1 00:00:02,430 --> 00:00:03,488 Mmm. 2 00:00:08,002 --> 00:00:10,163 Necesito un bueno worker. 3 00:00:10,238 --> 00:00:11,967 Tu es fuerte. Come on. 4 00:00:13,630 --> 00:00:19,704 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers. 5 00:00:20,781 --> 00:00:21,907 We don't go with that man. 6 00:00:21,983 --> 00:00:24,577 I've seen several men go with that man and none come back. 7 00:00:26,053 --> 00:00:27,111 We've lost friends... 8 00:00:28,489 --> 00:00:30,150 We don't know what he does with them. 9 00:00:32,193 --> 00:00:33,683 I don't wanna talk about it anymore. 10 00:00:34,896 --> 00:00:36,124 I pick up day laborers 11 00:00:36,197 --> 00:00:38,097 and tell them that they'll get paid at 6:00 p.m. 12 00:00:38,533 --> 00:00:41,263 At 5:45, a certain I.N.S. Agent, 13 00:00:41,335 --> 00:00:43,132 by the name of Mose Schrute, 14 00:00:43,204 --> 00:00:44,762 throws them in the back of a van, 15 00:00:44,839 --> 00:00:46,363 drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg 16 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,533 and tells them it's Canada. 17 00:00:50,878 --> 00:00:52,436 Tu es un bueno worker? 18 00:00:52,513 --> 00:00:54,174 Si. Yo muy bueno worker. 19 00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:56,783 Yel acento... Donde are you from? 20 00:00:56,884 --> 00:00:58,181 Scranton. 21 00:00:58,319 --> 00:01:01,083 Y... before that, la Philadelphia. 22 00:01:01,255 --> 00:01:02,620 You speak English? Yes. 23 00:01:02,690 --> 00:01:04,282 I'm really good at English. Okay, good, me too. 24 00:01:04,358 --> 00:01:05,916 Get in the car. Okay. 25 00:01:08,095 --> 00:01:09,926 Who is this guy by our cars? 26 00:01:10,031 --> 00:01:12,261 That is my new maintenance worker, Nate, 27 00:01:12,333 --> 00:01:14,096 and you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of 28 00:01:14,168 --> 00:01:16,363 that hornet's nest that you've been griping about. 29 00:01:16,871 --> 00:01:18,304 Yeah. I got stung up my dress. 30 00:01:18,372 --> 00:01:19,566 Poor hornet. 31 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,471 I've left him all the tools he needs. 32 00:01:21,542 --> 00:01:22,907 This is do or die. 33 00:01:22,977 --> 00:01:24,706 If he chooses correctly, he'll conquer the hornets. 34 00:01:24,779 --> 00:01:26,440 And if he doesn't? 35 00:01:27,715 --> 00:01:28,704 He'll die. 36 00:01:28,916 --> 00:01:30,349 What? Beg your pardon? 37 00:01:30,418 --> 00:01:32,477 When did the phrase "do or die" become so corrupted? 38 00:01:32,653 --> 00:01:34,450 Is that a blowtorch? No. 39 00:01:34,522 --> 00:01:37,355 No, no, no! No, no! 40 00:01:37,425 --> 00:01:39,052 Interesting choice. 41 00:01:39,126 --> 00:01:40,388 Yes. 42 00:01:40,595 --> 00:01:41,584 Very, very smart. 43 00:01:41,662 --> 00:01:42,651 Walking away. 44 00:01:43,297 --> 00:01:44,286 No! No, no, no! 45 00:01:44,365 --> 00:01:45,354 The bat. 46 00:01:45,566 --> 00:01:46,590 What is he doing? 47 00:01:46,667 --> 00:01:48,328 Oh! They're stinging him! 48 00:01:48,402 --> 00:01:49,596 No, no, no! 49 00:01:49,704 --> 00:01:50,898 No, no! 50 00:02:14,695 --> 00:02:17,459 Good morning, Erin. Any mustaches, I mean messages? 51 00:02:18,099 --> 00:02:19,657 Terrific. 52 00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:21,694 There are many reasons 53 00:02:21,769 --> 00:02:23,828 a man would wear a fake mustache to work. 54 00:02:24,572 --> 00:02:26,005 He is a fan 55 00:02:26,073 --> 00:02:27,540 of the outrageous. 56 00:02:27,608 --> 00:02:28,700 He loves to 57 00:02:28,776 --> 00:02:30,038 surprise! 58 00:02:30,778 --> 00:02:33,906 He loves other things as well. 59 00:02:35,016 --> 00:02:36,005 Wow. 60 00:02:40,454 --> 00:02:41,443 Okay. 61 00:02:43,090 --> 00:02:44,990 It's a pimple, Phyllis. 62 00:02:45,059 --> 00:02:46,458 Avril Lavigne gets them all the time, 63 00:02:46,527 --> 00:02:48,154 and she rocks harder than anyone alive. 64 00:02:48,596 --> 00:02:50,291 That's no pimple, Michael. 65 00:02:50,698 --> 00:02:51,858 You mean cancer? 66 00:02:52,033 --> 00:02:54,331 What? No way. No. Definitely not. Not cancer. 67 00:02:54,502 --> 00:02:56,595 It's just good to catch a Michael train of thought early 68 00:02:56,704 --> 00:02:59,002 before it derails and destroys the entire town. 69 00:02:59,940 --> 00:03:00,929 Wait, wait, wait. 70 00:03:01,008 --> 00:03:02,134 It's just a cold sore. 71 00:03:02,209 --> 00:03:03,233 It is? 72 00:03:03,311 --> 00:03:05,108 Yup, just a cold sore. Just a cold sore. 73 00:03:05,179 --> 00:03:07,340 Thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. 74 00:03:07,415 --> 00:03:09,383 I have a cold sore. I didn't even have a cold. 75 00:03:09,717 --> 00:03:10,741 I don't know how I got it. 76 00:03:10,818 --> 00:03:12,012 I know how you got it. 77 00:03:12,086 --> 00:03:13,144 How? 78 00:03:13,220 --> 00:03:14,414 Michael, come on. 79 00:03:14,655 --> 00:03:16,520 A cold sore is herpes. 80 00:03:17,058 --> 00:03:18,923 What? What you should do, Michael, 81 00:03:18,993 --> 00:03:20,255 is have a doctor take a look at it, 82 00:03:20,328 --> 00:03:21,625 'cause we don't really know what that is. 83 00:03:21,829 --> 00:03:24,525 I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. 84 00:03:24,699 --> 00:03:25,996 I have it myself. 85 00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:27,056 That's what it is. 86 00:03:27,134 --> 00:03:28,567 I've never seen herpes on you. 87 00:03:28,636 --> 00:03:30,263 'Cause it's on my genitals, genius. 88 00:03:30,638 --> 00:03:31,798 You have a penis? 89 00:03:32,039 --> 00:03:34,337 Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs? 90 00:03:34,475 --> 00:03:36,500 Yeah, my last physical when I was 40. 91 00:03:37,078 --> 00:03:38,170 That was, like, 10 years ago. 92 00:03:38,245 --> 00:03:39,473 No, it was, like, four years ago. 93 00:03:39,580 --> 00:03:41,207 Michael, you're at least 46. 94 00:03:41,282 --> 00:03:42,271 Why "at least"? 95 00:03:42,350 --> 00:03:44,750 If you're guessing 46, just say 46. 96 00:03:52,626 --> 00:03:54,992 Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is? 97 00:03:55,696 --> 00:03:56,856 This is what you get 98 00:03:56,931 --> 00:03:58,899 when you treat your body like an outhouse. 99 00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:01,091 You know what, guys? 100 00:04:01,168 --> 00:04:03,466 How about we just chill out a little bit on the herp chat? 101 00:04:03,871 --> 00:04:05,600 Okay? I was an R.A. In college, 102 00:04:05,673 --> 00:04:06,765 and I can tell you, 103 00:04:06,841 --> 00:04:08,536 the number one sexually transmitted disease 104 00:04:10,344 --> 00:04:11,811 is ignorance. 105 00:04:12,012 --> 00:04:14,810 I guess maybe she could marry a meth dealer with crabs... 106 00:04:14,882 --> 00:04:16,509 I don't even want to know about these things. 107 00:04:16,584 --> 00:04:17,744 Hey, guys. 108 00:04:24,992 --> 00:04:26,687 How did this happen? How did I get this? 109 00:04:26,761 --> 00:04:28,956 Sometimes it can lie dormant in a woman for years. 110 00:04:29,029 --> 00:04:30,360 They may not even know that they have it. 111 00:04:30,431 --> 00:04:31,830 You know what? I feel like 112 00:04:31,899 --> 00:04:33,127 one of those old-timey sailors with VD. 113 00:04:34,268 --> 00:04:36,168 Eh, it's me own darn fault. 114 00:04:36,237 --> 00:04:37,966 Girl in every port! What port? 115 00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:40,006 The Jan port? 116 00:04:40,641 --> 00:04:42,302 The Holly port? Don't even... 117 00:04:42,610 --> 00:04:44,168 Holly was clean, okay? 118 00:04:44,245 --> 00:04:46,110 If anything, I gave it to her. 119 00:04:46,180 --> 00:04:47,670 You may have. Oh, my God. 120 00:04:47,748 --> 00:04:48,772 What if I did? 121 00:04:48,849 --> 00:04:50,874 You need to contact Holly. 122 00:04:50,951 --> 00:04:53,943 You need to notify her that she is crawling with herpes. 123 00:04:54,088 --> 00:04:55,555 Okay. You know what? 124 00:04:55,623 --> 00:04:56,647 Might. 125 00:04:56,724 --> 00:04:59,284 Might be crawling with herpes. 126 00:05:00,661 --> 00:05:02,219 I might have gotten it after her. 127 00:05:02,296 --> 00:05:04,355 You need to contact every woman you've been with 128 00:05:04,432 --> 00:05:06,457 and notify them of your herpes infestation. 129 00:05:06,834 --> 00:05:07,994 It's the right thing to do. 130 00:05:08,402 --> 00:05:09,892 There's no way I'm gonna do that. 131 00:05:10,137 --> 00:05:11,161 Then I will. 132 00:05:11,238 --> 00:05:12,330 All right, I... 133 00:05:14,208 --> 00:05:16,005 Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me 134 00:05:16,076 --> 00:05:18,101 that we all have an obligation to the public health 135 00:05:18,179 --> 00:05:20,545 to track down anyone who gives us a disease, 136 00:05:20,614 --> 00:05:21,911 inform them of it, 137 00:05:21,982 --> 00:05:24,177 and take overwhelming revenge on that person. 138 00:05:24,652 --> 00:05:26,449 Again, I'm no doctor. 139 00:05:26,554 --> 00:05:28,647 I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge. 140 00:05:31,158 --> 00:05:32,318 Hello. 141 00:05:33,027 --> 00:05:34,358 Hi, Donna. It's Michael. 142 00:05:34,695 --> 00:05:36,595 Michael. I didn't think I'd hear from you. 143 00:05:36,897 --> 00:05:37,921 How've you been? 144 00:05:37,998 --> 00:05:39,431 I have a disease 145 00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:41,727 for which there is no known cure 146 00:05:41,802 --> 00:05:44,327 that has been sexually transmitted to me. 147 00:05:44,872 --> 00:05:46,066 Oh, no! 148 00:05:46,507 --> 00:05:47,838 I can't even say it. 149 00:05:47,908 --> 00:05:50,035 H-I 150 00:05:50,110 --> 00:05:51,099 Oh, my God! 151 00:05:51,178 --> 00:05:56,480 R-P-E-E-S. 152 00:05:56,550 --> 00:06:00,384 Wait. You're calling to tell me that you have herpes? 153 00:06:00,454 --> 00:06:04,481 No. I am calling to see if you gave me herpes, 154 00:06:04,592 --> 00:06:06,253 because if you did, 155 00:06:06,327 --> 00:06:08,522 I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. 156 00:06:09,663 --> 00:06:11,528 So you have it, right? No. 157 00:06:11,899 --> 00:06:13,196 Does your stupid husband have it? 158 00:06:13,267 --> 00:06:14,632 No, he doesn't. 159 00:06:14,702 --> 00:06:16,363 Are you telling me I have to get tested? 160 00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:18,605 Yes, I'm telling you you have to get tested for herpes. 161 00:06:18,672 --> 00:06:20,139 Good-bye! So long, Donna. 162 00:06:20,508 --> 00:06:23,238 Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please? 163 00:06:23,310 --> 00:06:24,334 Not again. 164 00:06:24,411 --> 00:06:25,400 What do you mean "again"? 165 00:06:25,479 --> 00:06:27,379 You're always asking for our attention. 166 00:06:27,548 --> 00:06:28,845 Well, maybe like a year ago. 167 00:06:28,916 --> 00:06:30,110 Mmm. Seems recent. 168 00:06:30,184 --> 00:06:31,481 No, that's... 169 00:06:31,552 --> 00:06:33,645 Andy, the reason it seems more recent 170 00:06:33,721 --> 00:06:35,689 is because many of us here have never stood up 171 00:06:35,756 --> 00:06:37,223 and asked for everyone's attention, 172 00:06:37,424 --> 00:06:39,517 and it seems like you've done it on several occasions. 173 00:06:39,593 --> 00:06:41,390 Everyone, I've noticed that 174 00:06:41,462 --> 00:06:44,260 we've not been entirely kind to one of our own, 175 00:06:44,765 --> 00:06:46,790 due to stigmas and prejudices. 176 00:06:46,867 --> 00:06:48,459 Oh! When you got your new phone, 177 00:06:48,536 --> 00:06:50,026 that's when you asked for everyone's attention. 178 00:06:50,104 --> 00:06:51,162 World Cup. That's what I was thinking. 179 00:06:51,238 --> 00:06:52,227 That's right. 180 00:06:52,306 --> 00:06:54,137 You kept announcing scores. 181 00:06:54,341 --> 00:06:56,434 It's the world's only international sport, so... 182 00:06:58,812 --> 00:07:00,245 This is Holly. 183 00:07:01,715 --> 00:07:03,376 No, this is Holly. 184 00:07:04,818 --> 00:07:06,718 No, this is Holly. 185 00:07:07,288 --> 00:07:08,949 No, this is Holly. 186 00:07:09,156 --> 00:07:11,090 No... This is Michael Scott. 187 00:07:12,826 --> 00:07:14,020 Busted. 188 00:07:16,063 --> 00:07:17,394 So, what can I do for you, Holly? 189 00:07:17,464 --> 00:07:19,329 I'm calling because 190 00:07:19,567 --> 00:07:20,829 there was a terrible car accident. 191 00:07:21,435 --> 00:07:23,369 Oh, really? Was anyone killed? 192 00:07:23,971 --> 00:07:25,563 A lot of people. 193 00:07:25,639 --> 00:07:26,936 Any nuns? 194 00:07:27,007 --> 00:07:28,235 Three nuns. 195 00:07:28,776 --> 00:07:31,074 Missionaries from South Africa. 196 00:07:31,445 --> 00:07:33,709 Were they in the missionary position? 197 00:07:35,215 --> 00:07:37,513 Hot pizza, check it and see 198 00:07:38,686 --> 00:07:41,052 I got a whole Bunch of pepperoni 199 00:07:41,121 --> 00:07:43,248 Yeah. Now you're looking at me. 200 00:07:43,591 --> 00:07:45,183 Anyone who's interested in entering into 201 00:07:45,259 --> 00:07:47,921 an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos 202 00:07:47,995 --> 00:07:51,522 of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break. 203 00:07:52,132 --> 00:07:53,963 Do you ever wonder what life would have been like 204 00:07:54,034 --> 00:07:55,126 if you hadn't been transferred? 205 00:07:56,203 --> 00:07:57,431 Yeah. 206 00:07:57,504 --> 00:07:58,664 We would have twins. 207 00:07:59,139 --> 00:08:00,629 I don't think we'd have kids. 208 00:08:00,708 --> 00:08:02,107 Mmm-hmm. We dated for a few weeks. 209 00:08:02,343 --> 00:08:04,311 Mmm-mmm. We would be married. 210 00:08:04,578 --> 00:08:07,445 Michael, I've been dating A.J. For a year and a half now. 211 00:08:07,781 --> 00:08:09,248 You do this, you know? 212 00:08:09,316 --> 00:08:10,340 Do what? 213 00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:12,651 You romanticize things. 214 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,418 I don't romantici... 215 00:08:15,489 --> 00:08:16,478 No. 216 00:08:16,557 --> 00:08:17,581 Michael, you cried 217 00:08:17,658 --> 00:08:19,717 at that tag line for a movie you made up. 218 00:08:20,361 --> 00:08:21,623 "He had no arms or legs. 219 00:08:21,695 --> 00:08:23,287 "He couldn't see, hear or speak. 220 00:08:24,898 --> 00:08:26,365 "This is how he led a nation." 221 00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:28,564 You made us out to be more than we were. 222 00:08:29,203 --> 00:08:30,830 Maybe we were more than we were. 223 00:08:31,271 --> 00:08:33,262 I don't know what you're getting so upset about. 224 00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:35,365 We had a fun fling a long time ago. 225 00:08:35,709 --> 00:08:37,506 It's a good memory. Okay, all right. 226 00:08:37,578 --> 00:08:39,478 I gotta go. Michael... 227 00:08:43,751 --> 00:08:45,150 He forgot to mention the herpes. 228 00:08:45,619 --> 00:08:47,450 It didn't come up organically. 229 00:08:48,722 --> 00:08:50,952 to accommodate the suppliers. 230 00:08:51,158 --> 00:08:53,422 Gentlemen, nice to see you. It'll be just a moment. 231 00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,289 If you could show them into conference room B. 232 00:08:55,362 --> 00:08:56,351 The pharmaceutical company 233 00:08:56,430 --> 00:08:57,954 should be able to accommodate us. 234 00:08:58,065 --> 00:09:00,260 How do I do it? Raise my daughter, 235 00:09:00,334 --> 00:09:02,199 work as director of office purchasing for this hospital 236 00:09:02,269 --> 00:09:04,169 and release an album of Doris Day covers 237 00:09:04,238 --> 00:09:05,830 on my own label? 238 00:09:07,174 --> 00:09:08,539 If I knew, I'd tell you. 239 00:09:08,609 --> 00:09:09,667 It's nice to see you doing so well. 240 00:09:09,943 --> 00:09:10,967 Yeah, I'm really happy. 241 00:09:11,078 --> 00:09:14,013 Me and Astrid against the world. We're loving it. 242 00:09:14,248 --> 00:09:16,216 Yeah, so, kind of the supermom. 243 00:09:16,283 --> 00:09:17,773 Bringing home the bacon. Yeah. 244 00:09:17,851 --> 00:09:19,318 Fry it up in a pan 245 00:09:19,386 --> 00:09:20,751 Never, never, never let you 246 00:09:20,821 --> 00:09:21,845 Forget you're a man 247 00:09:23,023 --> 00:09:24,513 Love that commercial. 248 00:09:24,591 --> 00:09:26,491 I don't understand the reference. 249 00:09:27,494 --> 00:09:28,688 Well, 250 00:09:28,896 --> 00:09:30,386 Michael, it was nice to get your call. 251 00:09:30,464 --> 00:09:32,523 We had to come over right away. It's urgent. Okay. 252 00:09:32,599 --> 00:09:33,930 Michael has something to tell you. Shh. 253 00:09:34,001 --> 00:09:35,468 Are you gonna keep me in suspense? 254 00:09:43,544 --> 00:09:44,568 Would you excuse us? 255 00:09:44,645 --> 00:09:45,634 Okay, I'm gonna 256 00:09:46,613 --> 00:09:47,602 head outta here. 257 00:09:47,681 --> 00:09:50,047 I know you have a lot to talk about, okay? 258 00:09:50,517 --> 00:09:52,644 Is there an operating theater 259 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,017 that's open to visitors? 260 00:09:54,088 --> 00:09:55,453 Never mind. I'll find it. 261 00:09:57,291 --> 00:09:59,054 He hasn't changed. No. 262 00:09:59,727 --> 00:10:01,695 So, what couldn't wait? 263 00:10:03,163 --> 00:10:04,858 Am I the kind of person 264 00:10:04,932 --> 00:10:06,866 to misremember our relationship 265 00:10:06,934 --> 00:10:08,731 as something more than it was? 266 00:10:08,802 --> 00:10:09,791 Michael Scott, 267 00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:12,100 you are here for a post-mortem. 268 00:10:12,439 --> 00:10:13,428 What? 269 00:10:13,807 --> 00:10:15,741 You wanna dig into our relationship, 270 00:10:16,310 --> 00:10:18,608 go over it, see what killed it. 271 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,172 Okay. 272 00:10:22,449 --> 00:10:23,643 I'm in. 273 00:10:24,351 --> 00:10:25,909 So, guys, I've been really bothered 274 00:10:25,986 --> 00:10:29,012 by the way certain people are getting treated around here. 275 00:10:29,089 --> 00:10:32,058 And I just think as an office, we're better than that. 276 00:10:32,292 --> 00:10:34,726 Okay, now, I'm gonna show you a picture 277 00:10:35,562 --> 00:10:36,620 of genitalia. 278 00:10:37,798 --> 00:10:38,787 Andy. 279 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,397 What, 'cause he's black? Nope. 280 00:10:41,468 --> 00:10:42,730 It's 'cause it's genitalia. 281 00:10:42,803 --> 00:10:45,465 Perfectly normal genitalia, Tuna. 282 00:10:46,006 --> 00:10:49,203 Now I'm gonna show you another picture 283 00:10:49,276 --> 00:10:51,471 of perfectly normal genitalia. 284 00:10:51,545 --> 00:10:52,910 Oh, my God! 285 00:10:53,313 --> 00:10:55,440 Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see? 286 00:10:55,516 --> 00:10:57,143 Perfectly normal. Big deal. 287 00:10:57,351 --> 00:10:59,319 Yeah, sure, it's got some herpes on it. 288 00:11:00,354 --> 00:11:03,187 But you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's. 289 00:11:04,291 --> 00:11:06,987 No. In the beginning, we were not good. 290 00:11:07,261 --> 00:11:09,126 Well, there was a bit of a learning curve 291 00:11:09,263 --> 00:11:10,992 in the conversation department, 292 00:11:11,064 --> 00:11:12,725 but between the sheets, 293 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,267 we were like Jordan and Pippen. 294 00:11:14,535 --> 00:11:15,627 Well, if there was anything exciting about it, 295 00:11:15,702 --> 00:11:17,567 it was because we both knew it was wrong. 296 00:11:17,905 --> 00:11:18,963 Because we worked together. 297 00:11:19,039 --> 00:11:20,063 No. 298 00:11:20,140 --> 00:11:22,005 Okay, imagine there's a princess 299 00:11:22,409 --> 00:11:23,899 who falls for a guy beneath her station, 300 00:11:23,977 --> 00:11:25,444 and the queen doesn't like this at all. 301 00:11:25,546 --> 00:11:27,275 And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it, 302 00:11:27,347 --> 00:11:28,780 and so it makes her want to do it all the more 303 00:11:28,849 --> 00:11:29,838 just to get at the queen. 304 00:11:31,084 --> 00:11:32,779 Am I the princess? No, I'm the princess. 305 00:11:32,853 --> 00:11:34,343 And the queen. 306 00:11:34,454 --> 00:11:36,251 Okay. So I'm the guy at the station. 307 00:11:38,192 --> 00:11:39,181 Mommy! 308 00:11:39,459 --> 00:11:41,188 Assie! Oh! 309 00:11:41,261 --> 00:11:44,287 How was school? 310 00:11:44,364 --> 00:11:45,353 It was cool 311 00:11:45,432 --> 00:11:47,957 What did you learn? 312 00:11:48,035 --> 00:11:49,332 What did I learn? 313 00:11:49,403 --> 00:11:51,894 You might have learned 314 00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:54,532 Shapes, or blocks 315 00:11:54,608 --> 00:11:56,974 Or clocks, or colors 316 00:11:57,044 --> 00:11:58,875 Or you might have learned 317 00:11:58,946 --> 00:12:02,074 That we're all sisters and brothers... 318 00:12:02,149 --> 00:12:03,446 I have herpes. 319 00:12:03,517 --> 00:12:04,779 What? You... 320 00:12:05,652 --> 00:12:07,483 I used to think that she was "the one." 321 00:12:08,288 --> 00:12:10,381 Or at least a "the one." 322 00:12:11,725 --> 00:12:13,420 And if I called that one so wrong... 323 00:12:16,630 --> 00:12:19,758 Herpes, like all STDs, is a consequence of sex. 324 00:12:19,833 --> 00:12:21,767 Can anyone else name any other consequences? 325 00:12:22,469 --> 00:12:24,334 It feels unbelievable. 326 00:12:25,038 --> 00:12:26,801 Okay, I guess we can make a pros column. 327 00:12:28,008 --> 00:12:28,997 "Feels..." 328 00:12:29,076 --> 00:12:30,441 "Unbelievable." 329 00:12:30,510 --> 00:12:31,568 Okay. 330 00:12:31,645 --> 00:12:34,136 The ability to express love physically. 331 00:12:34,982 --> 00:12:36,779 It's a magical thing. 332 00:12:37,317 --> 00:12:38,682 "Express love." "Magical." 333 00:12:40,187 --> 00:12:41,586 It feels amazing. 334 00:12:41,855 --> 00:12:44,449 Um... Okay, is that different from "feels unbelievable"? 335 00:12:44,791 --> 00:12:46,258 Yes. 336 00:12:46,326 --> 00:12:47,725 Then I will write it down. 337 00:12:48,395 --> 00:12:50,522 The feeling of pure risk. 338 00:12:50,631 --> 00:12:52,758 Creed, I had that in the cons column, 339 00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:54,964 but... It's thrilling. 340 00:12:55,302 --> 00:12:58,362 Okay. Then... 341 00:12:59,273 --> 00:13:00,501 We'll move that. 342 00:13:00,574 --> 00:13:02,235 "Thrill of risk." 343 00:13:02,309 --> 00:13:04,209 Andy, aren't there also negatives to sex? 344 00:13:04,611 --> 00:13:06,135 Yes! Thank you. 345 00:13:06,546 --> 00:13:07,570 Such as... 346 00:13:07,648 --> 00:13:08,637 Unplanned pregnancy. 347 00:13:08,749 --> 00:13:10,410 Yes. Unplanned pregnancy. 348 00:13:10,517 --> 00:13:11,575 Like Jim and Pam, what? 349 00:13:11,652 --> 00:13:12,641 Hey. 350 00:13:12,753 --> 00:13:14,914 Just admit that your baby was a mistake. 351 00:13:14,988 --> 00:13:17,456 Whoa! Hey, our baby was not a mistake. 352 00:13:18,825 --> 00:13:20,486 She was a surprise. Good. 353 00:13:20,661 --> 00:13:22,788 I'm sure they don't regret having that child. 354 00:13:22,863 --> 00:13:23,852 Let's move it to the pros. 355 00:13:23,931 --> 00:13:24,920 Thank you. 356 00:13:24,998 --> 00:13:28,627 Okay. "Unplanned pregnancy," going in the pros column. 357 00:13:29,870 --> 00:13:31,633 Next up is Helene. 358 00:13:32,472 --> 00:13:34,463 You're gonna want to make a left on Willow, 359 00:13:34,608 --> 00:13:36,439 which is a little ways away. 360 00:13:36,510 --> 00:13:37,499 I'll remind you. 361 00:13:37,577 --> 00:13:39,511 You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment. 362 00:13:39,613 --> 00:13:41,513 She... Jan knows paper. 363 00:13:41,581 --> 00:13:43,446 No, not paper. Relationships. 364 00:13:43,517 --> 00:13:45,508 To have the ability to point out 365 00:13:45,585 --> 00:13:48,247 if a man is making a bigger deal out of something 366 00:13:48,322 --> 00:13:50,051 than is really there. Wait, what Holly said? 367 00:13:50,157 --> 00:13:52,022 Yes! I don't... Forget it, Michael. 368 00:13:52,359 --> 00:13:53,417 Today is about herpes. 369 00:13:53,493 --> 00:13:54,482 I know. 370 00:13:54,628 --> 00:13:56,721 Okay? Who gave it to you, who has it... 371 00:13:56,797 --> 00:13:57,991 Right. And who is going to pay. 372 00:13:58,065 --> 00:13:59,054 Okay. 373 00:13:59,132 --> 00:14:00,121 To answer your question about Jan... 374 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:01,633 No, Jan is insane. 375 00:14:01,702 --> 00:14:02,828 Why do you think I... 376 00:14:02,936 --> 00:14:04,062 Left! Willow, now! 377 00:14:04,137 --> 00:14:05,195 All right! God! 378 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,507 Hi, stranger. 379 00:14:09,242 --> 00:14:10,300 Long time. 380 00:14:10,377 --> 00:14:11,366 Who are you? 381 00:14:11,745 --> 00:14:13,804 I'm Michael. We dated for a while. 382 00:14:14,014 --> 00:14:15,242 I don't think so. 383 00:14:15,682 --> 00:14:16,910 Michael? 384 00:14:18,919 --> 00:14:20,352 Oh, hey! 385 00:14:21,021 --> 00:14:24,184 Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk 386 00:14:24,257 --> 00:14:25,588 while I talk to the real Helene? 387 00:14:25,659 --> 00:14:26,683 Come on, old lady, let's go. 388 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:27,749 What is happening? 389 00:14:27,828 --> 00:14:29,352 Come on. 390 00:14:29,529 --> 00:14:32,726 Who can tell me the safest form of safe sex? 391 00:14:32,866 --> 00:14:34,561 Condoms. Incorrect. 392 00:14:34,735 --> 00:14:36,828 The only true form of safe sex... 393 00:14:37,871 --> 00:14:39,566 Okay? Abstinence. 394 00:14:39,706 --> 00:14:41,833 Oh! I didn't realize we were doing 395 00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:43,507 trick questions. 396 00:14:43,710 --> 00:14:45,507 What's the safest way to go skiing? 397 00:14:45,979 --> 00:14:47,310 Don't ski. 398 00:14:47,381 --> 00:14:48,575 Huh? 399 00:14:49,249 --> 00:14:50,307 I just thought I'd bring it up 400 00:14:50,384 --> 00:14:52,352 in case someone here was practicing abstinence. 401 00:14:53,186 --> 00:14:54,278 That's all. Anybody? 402 00:14:54,421 --> 00:14:56,514 Andy, that's way too personal of a question. 403 00:14:56,590 --> 00:14:58,319 Well, someone could answer it if they wanted to. 404 00:15:01,695 --> 00:15:03,287 Okay, in that case, 405 00:15:03,363 --> 00:15:06,628 I will now show you how to put this condom on using... 406 00:15:09,202 --> 00:15:10,863 this pencil. Oh, God! 407 00:15:11,405 --> 00:15:12,429 What? 408 00:15:12,506 --> 00:15:13,996 Why would you choose a pencil, Andy? 409 00:15:14,307 --> 00:15:15,831 Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar. 410 00:15:15,909 --> 00:15:17,672 It's not exactly hard right now, anyway. 411 00:15:17,744 --> 00:15:19,871 Come on, give it a rest, pencil. 412 00:15:19,946 --> 00:15:21,573 I'm doing this for you, Meredith! 413 00:15:21,748 --> 00:15:23,511 I didn't want it! Well, didn't you? 414 00:15:23,583 --> 00:15:25,016 Why didn't... 415 00:15:25,085 --> 00:15:27,952 Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now? 416 00:15:28,989 --> 00:15:30,251 Whoa! 417 00:15:32,092 --> 00:15:34,356 It'll go away in time. Just don't touch it. 418 00:15:34,761 --> 00:15:36,922 Did I make more of what we had 419 00:15:36,997 --> 00:15:38,089 than was really there? 420 00:15:38,432 --> 00:15:39,524 What did you think we were? 421 00:15:39,766 --> 00:15:42,792 Just a quirky indie movie, 422 00:15:42,869 --> 00:15:44,336 weird sort of thing, 423 00:15:44,838 --> 00:15:47,739 breaking all the rules, but had to end 424 00:15:47,808 --> 00:15:50,299 because the summer was over for you. 425 00:15:50,944 --> 00:15:53,208 I think that for you to have come here 426 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,271 even expecting 427 00:15:55,982 --> 00:15:57,779 that we could have a conversation like this 428 00:15:57,851 --> 00:16:00,786 shows how self-deluded you are. 429 00:16:01,221 --> 00:16:05,419 Michael, your memory has failed you greatly. 430 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:07,652 Jerk. 431 00:16:20,807 --> 00:16:21,899 Michael. 432 00:16:23,910 --> 00:16:25,605 So, this is a chef's kitchen, 433 00:16:25,679 --> 00:16:28,113 which makes it perfect for real entertainers. 434 00:16:28,415 --> 00:16:30,440 Real entertainer, like Billy Joel. 435 00:16:30,884 --> 00:16:33,614 Michael. Carole. How are you? 436 00:16:33,787 --> 00:16:35,015 I'm great. How are you? 437 00:16:35,088 --> 00:16:37,784 I'm great. I saw your sign outside, 438 00:16:37,924 --> 00:16:39,653 and I decided I'm gonna pull in, 439 00:16:39,759 --> 00:16:41,556 and maybe I'm going to buy a house from her. 440 00:16:41,795 --> 00:16:43,228 You didn't call my office 441 00:16:43,296 --> 00:16:45,127 and ask them where I was? No! 442 00:16:45,198 --> 00:16:46,392 That's so... 443 00:16:46,566 --> 00:16:48,534 'Cause the receptionist told me that a man called, 444 00:16:48,602 --> 00:16:50,763 but he would only say that he was my ex-lover. 445 00:16:50,837 --> 00:16:51,895 Weird. Yeah. 446 00:16:51,972 --> 00:16:52,996 Sounds like a nice guy. 447 00:16:53,707 --> 00:16:56,733 I don't know, I mean, people were being really mean to Meredith and... 448 00:16:57,110 --> 00:16:58,975 But this wasn't really about Meredith, was it? 449 00:17:00,013 --> 00:17:01,037 You and Erin were broken up. 450 00:17:01,214 --> 00:17:03,375 How is that relevant to anything? 451 00:17:03,450 --> 00:17:06,180 I asked you if it was okay if I asked her out. 452 00:17:06,620 --> 00:17:08,110 You said, and I quote, 453 00:17:08,655 --> 00:17:11,215 "My good sir, nothing would make me happier 454 00:17:11,291 --> 00:17:14,192 "than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand." 455 00:17:14,628 --> 00:17:17,358 I specifically remembered it because you said it in such a weird way. 456 00:17:17,864 --> 00:17:18,888 Well, the only reason I said that 457 00:17:18,965 --> 00:17:20,830 is 'cause you asked me so politely, 458 00:17:20,967 --> 00:17:23,265 and it was very difficult for me to say no. 459 00:17:24,337 --> 00:17:25,531 I'll let this slide, 460 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,900 but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you. 461 00:17:30,477 --> 00:17:31,910 Oh, wow! Another living room. 462 00:17:32,145 --> 00:17:33,134 It's a family room. 463 00:17:33,380 --> 00:17:36,543 You put the TV there. You put your family here. 464 00:17:37,517 --> 00:17:39,542 Michael, why are you here? 465 00:17:40,220 --> 00:17:41,585 Somebody told me 466 00:17:41,655 --> 00:17:44,590 that I romanticize relationships. 467 00:17:45,492 --> 00:17:47,483 You know, we all do that. 468 00:17:48,161 --> 00:17:49,651 I have herpes. 469 00:17:50,230 --> 00:17:51,322 What? 470 00:17:51,965 --> 00:17:53,523 Did you have that while we were together? 471 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:54,692 I just found out today. 472 00:17:54,768 --> 00:17:57,066 It's right there. 473 00:17:57,470 --> 00:17:59,438 Oh! Oh! What, that's what you're talking about? 474 00:17:59,539 --> 00:18:01,200 Mmm-hmm. I'm sorry. 475 00:18:01,374 --> 00:18:02,671 Did you have a doctor check it out? 476 00:18:02,742 --> 00:18:04,642 I'm between specialists right now. 477 00:18:05,579 --> 00:18:07,604 Yes. Yes, Michael. 478 00:18:07,714 --> 00:18:10,877 Actually, you do make a bigger deal out of things 479 00:18:10,951 --> 00:18:12,350 than you need to. 480 00:18:12,452 --> 00:18:14,647 You proposed to me on our fourth date. 481 00:18:14,921 --> 00:18:16,479 Well, I believe in love at first sight. 482 00:18:16,990 --> 00:18:18,218 Well, so do I, 483 00:18:18,291 --> 00:18:20,486 but we didn't love each other at first, either. 484 00:18:21,361 --> 00:18:22,988 I don't know what you were thinking. 485 00:18:24,497 --> 00:18:26,089 I know what I was thinking at the time, 486 00:18:26,166 --> 00:18:28,157 but right now, it just seems ridiculous. 487 00:18:28,535 --> 00:18:29,866 Excuse me. 488 00:18:31,171 --> 00:18:33,002 Someone died in the upstairs bathroom, didn't they? 489 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:34,264 No. 490 00:18:37,110 --> 00:18:39,271 We should schedule meetings, 491 00:18:39,346 --> 00:18:41,280 'cause the days can slip away with chitchat. 492 00:18:42,882 --> 00:18:44,110 Are you crying? 493 00:18:44,651 --> 00:18:46,141 No, I'm just sweating. 494 00:18:46,219 --> 00:18:47,948 I don't know what's got you upset, 495 00:18:48,021 --> 00:18:50,683 but my advice is stop crying. 496 00:18:50,757 --> 00:18:52,281 I'm not crying. I'm sweating. 497 00:18:52,626 --> 00:18:54,355 Look, you need to pick yourself up. 498 00:18:54,694 --> 00:18:56,355 Man up, all right? 499 00:18:57,030 --> 00:18:58,895 Son, you will win this in the end. 500 00:18:59,633 --> 00:19:01,533 It's all about heart 501 00:19:02,135 --> 00:19:03,625 and character. 502 00:19:03,703 --> 00:19:06,001 Be your best self. 503 00:19:07,073 --> 00:19:08,097 Okay. 504 00:19:08,208 --> 00:19:09,300 Yeah. 505 00:19:09,476 --> 00:19:10,966 I have no idea what his problem is. 506 00:19:11,077 --> 00:19:12,738 It's just my standard advice. 507 00:19:12,812 --> 00:19:14,040 It's good advice, right? 508 00:19:14,481 --> 00:19:15,709 This is Holly Flax. 509 00:19:15,782 --> 00:19:16,976 I can't come to the phone right now, 510 00:19:17,050 --> 00:19:18,278 but please leave a message 511 00:19:18,351 --> 00:19:20,342 at the sound of the tiny truck backing up. 512 00:19:22,122 --> 00:19:23,749 Hi, Holly, it's Michael. 513 00:19:24,891 --> 00:19:26,586 I just wanted to call and let you know 514 00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:28,423 that I was thinking about what you said. 515 00:19:29,162 --> 00:19:31,062 It's just, you know, 516 00:19:32,966 --> 00:19:34,900 it's weird. Today, I 517 00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:38,097 ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date, 518 00:19:39,105 --> 00:19:41,335 and in my mind, they were all great. 519 00:19:42,208 --> 00:19:44,176 And then when I actually saw them, 520 00:19:44,911 --> 00:19:47,004 it was mostly a freak show. 521 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:48,338 And you and me, 522 00:19:48,415 --> 00:19:50,883 that must have been a real train wreck. 523 00:19:52,619 --> 00:19:54,109 You know what? 524 00:19:55,655 --> 00:19:57,418 Holly, you're wrong. 525 00:19:59,292 --> 00:20:00,452 You are wrong. 526 00:20:01,661 --> 00:20:03,891 I remember every second of us. 527 00:20:03,963 --> 00:20:06,022 And talking to you today, 528 00:20:06,099 --> 00:20:10,695 I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. 529 00:20:11,438 --> 00:20:12,632 It's... 530 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,203 I didn't joke with any of them. 531 00:20:15,275 --> 00:20:16,902 I joked with you. 532 00:20:17,677 --> 00:20:19,110 You were the only one 533 00:20:19,179 --> 00:20:21,647 who was actually happy to hear from me. 534 00:20:22,082 --> 00:20:24,448 And I don't know why you downgraded what we had, 535 00:20:24,517 --> 00:20:26,610 but I did not make us up. 536 00:20:28,254 --> 00:20:29,346 Okay. 537 00:20:29,989 --> 00:20:32,549 Oh, and you might, you should talk to a doctor 538 00:20:32,625 --> 00:20:34,718 because you might have herpes. 539 00:20:34,861 --> 00:20:35,850 Bye. 540 00:20:42,068 --> 00:20:43,865 What is this about? Oscar, 541 00:20:44,137 --> 00:20:46,537 We once sucked face in public 542 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,504 as part of an office presentation 543 00:20:49,576 --> 00:20:53,034 to destroy the stigma about gay kissing. 544 00:20:53,380 --> 00:20:55,177 Do you recall? Yes, and... 545 00:20:55,248 --> 00:20:57,375 You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease. 546 00:20:57,884 --> 00:20:58,873 What? 547 00:20:58,952 --> 00:20:59,941 Herpes duplex. 548 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,880 It's probably just an ingrown mustache hair, but we have to be exhaustive. 549 00:21:03,256 --> 00:21:05,986 I've already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you. 550 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:07,954 We were never lovers. 551 00:21:08,027 --> 00:21:10,325 I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. 552 00:21:10,563 --> 00:21:13,123 I'm talking train stations, men's rooms... 553 00:21:13,199 --> 00:21:16,168 Flower shops, fireworks celebrations... 554 00:21:16,403 --> 00:21:17,495 Fence with a hole in it. 555 00:21:17,570 --> 00:21:18,594 Moonlit gondola. 556 00:21:18,671 --> 00:21:20,195 Carriage ride through Central Park. 557 00:21:20,273 --> 00:21:21,763 The woods behind the liquor store. 558 00:21:21,841 --> 00:21:23,240 The swamp behind the old folks' home. 559 00:21:23,309 --> 00:21:24,867 Electric car dealership. 560 00:21:24,944 --> 00:21:26,434 The Democratic Primary. 561 00:21:26,513 --> 00:21:28,640 Oscar, think about... Think. 562 00:21:29,935 --> 00:21:39,935 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.