1 00:00:11,690 --> 00:00:15,376 The tea in Nepal is very hot. 2 00:00:16,970 --> 00:00:21,851 "But the coffee in Peru is much hotter." 3 00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:26,659 Last week, I finally became permanent 4 00:00:26,770 --> 00:00:28,534 manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton! 5 00:00:28,610 --> 00:00:31,295 My first project, increase security. 6 00:00:31,370 --> 00:00:32,895 I got these doors from a jewelry store 7 00:00:32,970 --> 00:00:34,415 that had recently gone out of business. 8 00:00:34,530 --> 00:00:38,296 Now they're protecting America's real treasure, papefl 9 00:00:38,370 --> 00:00:41,499 Every morning, I e-mail the day's security codes. 10 00:00:41,610 --> 00:00:43,294 Something that's been really missing 11 00:00:43,410 --> 00:00:45,139 from my life has been writing secret codes. 12 00:00:45,210 --> 00:00:48,259 It's not the KGB, but it's a start. 13 00:00:51,050 --> 00:00:53,621 The tea in Nepal is very hot. 14 00:00:53,690 --> 00:00:55,658 But the coffee in Peru is far hotter. 15 00:00:55,730 --> 00:00:57,175 Close. 16 00:00:58,210 --> 00:01:00,178 This is Tuesday, right? 17 00:01:00,250 --> 00:01:02,651 The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter? 18 00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:03,970 Colder. 19 00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:05,416 The coffee in Paraguay is colder? 20 00:01:05,530 --> 00:01:07,259 No, I meant you were getting colder. 21 00:01:07,330 --> 00:01:11,460 The correct response is, "The coffee in Peru is much hotter." 22 00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:12,975 Ah. "Much," okay. 23 00:01:13,050 --> 00:01:15,337 But that's three wrongs, so I've got to give you the steam. 24 00:01:15,410 --> 00:01:17,333 No. Unless you want me to break protocol. 25 00:01:23,370 --> 00:01:25,850 No, no. Give me the steam. 26 00:01:31,570 --> 00:01:34,096 It's just harmless steam to panic intruders. 27 00:01:34,170 --> 00:01:37,219 I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd. 28 00:01:38,090 --> 00:01:43,051 Break protocol! 29 00:01:43,410 --> 00:01:45,651 Oh, I'm saving a fortune on dry-cleaning. 30 00:01:47,090 --> 00:01:53,164 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 31 00:02:18,810 --> 00:02:20,141 Mama. 32 00:02:20,290 --> 00:02:21,576 Angela, someone wants you. 33 00:02:21,650 --> 00:02:23,379 Okay. Coming. 34 00:02:26,530 --> 00:02:27,577 Hi, baby. 35 00:02:27,650 --> 00:02:29,618 Angela's divorce from the Senator 36 00:02:29,730 --> 00:02:31,653 has been very difficult for her. 37 00:02:31,770 --> 00:02:33,977 When she got kicked out of her apartment, 38 00:02:34,090 --> 00:02:36,252 I invited her to move in with me. 39 00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:39,812 Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet. 40 00:02:39,890 --> 00:02:41,176 Hey-o! 41 00:02:42,210 --> 00:02:43,974 Saddle shoes with denim? 42 00:02:44,850 --> 00:02:47,251 I will, literally, call Child Protective Services. 43 00:02:54,930 --> 00:02:56,216 Go get 'em, honey. 44 00:02:56,290 --> 00:02:58,531 Don't worry. They'll get got. 45 00:02:59,410 --> 00:03:01,139 Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. 46 00:03:01,210 --> 00:03:03,781 Owner of a 1,600 acre beet farm? Check. 47 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:07,900 Engaged to be married to an actual milk maid? Check... 48 00:03:09,130 --> 00:03:10,814 on that later today. 49 00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:13,973 This is my grandmother's ring. 50 00:03:15,210 --> 00:03:17,531 It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. 51 00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:20,136 She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. 52 00:03:20,210 --> 00:03:23,339 This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring. 53 00:03:25,050 --> 00:03:26,290 Hi. Good morning. 54 00:03:26,370 --> 00:03:28,372 Name is Andrew Bernard. 55 00:03:28,890 --> 00:03:32,781 You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight. 56 00:03:32,850 --> 00:03:35,217 Also killed it in local theater 57 00:03:35,290 --> 00:03:38,931 and I'm fresh off of a hot industrial flick. 58 00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:40,375 Okay. Thanks. 59 00:03:40,450 --> 00:03:41,940 Go ahead and get in the back of the line. 60 00:03:42,050 --> 00:03:43,620 Yes! 61 00:03:49,570 --> 00:03:52,176 Well, I burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, 62 00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:54,491 and time to become the next American Idol 63 00:03:54,570 --> 00:03:58,017 by winning America's Next A Cappella Sensation 64 00:03:58,090 --> 00:03:59,979 on Channel TBD! 65 00:04:00,650 --> 00:04:02,220 It's a really cool show. It's like a total 66 00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:03,855 reinvention of the whole American Idol, 67 00:04:03,930 --> 00:04:06,171 Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. 68 00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:09,060 On this show all three judges are mean! 69 00:04:11,770 --> 00:04:13,738 Sales form for you to sign. 70 00:04:13,810 --> 00:04:15,141 You know what to do. 71 00:04:27,770 --> 00:04:28,976 Okay- 72 00:04:29,050 --> 00:04:30,654 Behind every great regional manager 73 00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:32,374 is a great assistant to the regional manager. 74 00:04:32,450 --> 00:04:33,690 And I have chosen one of the best. 75 00:04:33,770 --> 00:04:35,056 Aw. Thanks, man. 76 00:04:35,130 --> 00:04:36,655 Once upon a time, we were natural enemies. 77 00:04:36,770 --> 00:04:38,374 But we've overcome our differences, 78 00:04:38,450 --> 00:04:40,020 much like Germany and Italy, in World War... 79 00:04:40,130 --> 00:04:41,700 Nope. 80 00:04:41,770 --> 00:04:42,896 Good call. 81 00:04:42,970 --> 00:04:45,098 Together we run a no-nonsense office. 82 00:04:56,690 --> 00:04:58,818 Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well. 83 00:04:58,890 --> 00:05:00,813 Oh! Bodes well for the post-conference room meeting. 84 00:05:00,890 --> 00:05:02,892 All depends on the conference room meeting itself. 85 00:05:05,050 --> 00:05:06,734 Okay- 86 00:05:06,810 --> 00:05:08,096 Was that them again? 87 00:05:08,250 --> 00:05:09,490 Yeah. 88 00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:10,776 Maybe you should call them back. 89 00:05:11,690 --> 00:05:15,297 I will. 90 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,539 The guys at Athlead are still bugging me 91 00:05:18,650 --> 00:05:20,573 about this three-month road show thing. 92 00:05:20,650 --> 00:05:23,415 Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships. 93 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:27,495 Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and that's final. 94 00:05:28,570 --> 00:05:32,655 I almost lost Pam over this business. I'm not risking that again. 95 00:05:33,490 --> 00:05:35,174 When Jim decided to come back to 96 00:05:35,290 --> 00:05:36,940 Scranton full time, I was relieved 97 00:05:37,010 --> 00:05:40,173 but I also feel a little guilty. 98 00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:43,299 I mean, he's giving up this big thing for me. 99 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:47,537 But he seems happy. He's certainly been goofing around a lot. 100 00:05:48,530 --> 00:05:50,373 I love goofy Jim. 101 00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:52,452 Welcome. He welcomes you. 102 00:05:52,530 --> 00:05:53,816 Please take an agenda item. 103 00:05:53,890 --> 00:05:55,335 Your agenda-taking pleases him. 104 00:05:55,450 --> 00:05:56,815 Have a seat, Phyllis. 105 00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:58,051 Here we go. 106 00:05:58,130 --> 00:06:01,134 As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote. 107 00:06:01,210 --> 00:06:05,613 Some say, the only failure there is, is the failure to try. 108 00:06:05,690 --> 00:06:09,854 That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure. 109 00:06:09,930 --> 00:06:10,977 Jim, over to you. 110 00:06:11,050 --> 00:06:13,781 Let's not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak. 111 00:06:13,850 --> 00:06:17,138 All right? So, for instance, if you're expecting a fax today, 112 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:21,010 please don't yell out, "Michael J. Fax, from Fax to the Future!" 113 00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:22,660 Okay? That's nonsense. 114 00:06:22,730 --> 00:06:24,619 Question. Yes, beautiful girl in the front? 115 00:06:25,370 --> 00:06:28,499 We are expecting a water delivery today at 10:00 a.m. 116 00:06:28,570 --> 00:06:30,493 What if as they're delivering the waterjugs 117 00:06:30,610 --> 00:06:32,578 someone screams out, "Nice jugs!" 118 00:06:32,650 --> 00:06:34,334 That's obviously nonsense. 119 00:06:34,410 --> 00:06:35,491 Nonsense. 120 00:06:35,570 --> 00:06:39,495 And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office? 121 00:06:39,570 --> 00:06:41,811 Zero percentage of nonsense. 122 00:06:41,890 --> 00:06:42,891 Can't have nonsense. 123 00:06:43,010 --> 00:06:44,011 What is going on? 124 00:06:44,090 --> 00:06:45,660 Daycare won't take Phillip anymore. 125 00:06:45,730 --> 00:06:47,175 Why? 126 00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:49,252 Apparently my station in life has descended 127 00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:51,458 to a depth even they won't forgive. 128 00:06:51,530 --> 00:06:53,180 So, hi. 129 00:06:53,810 --> 00:06:54,936 Hi, buddy. 130 00:06:55,010 --> 00:06:57,820 Okay, new agenda item, 131 00:06:57,890 --> 00:07:00,211 Phillip will be joining us at the office today. 132 00:07:00,290 --> 00:07:01,416 Got to write that down. 133 00:07:01,530 --> 00:07:05,137 Okay, big day today, airing of the documentary. Who's excited? 134 00:07:06,450 --> 00:07:08,452 I'd better come out of this smelling like a rose. 135 00:07:08,530 --> 00:07:11,374 I've been on my best behavior for nine years. 136 00:07:11,450 --> 00:07:15,057 If it wasn't for the cameras I would've done some truly vulgar crap. 137 00:07:15,170 --> 00:07:17,855 Over the course of this documentary, I've had three affairs. 138 00:07:17,930 --> 00:07:19,819 If you find my body in a ditch, 139 00:07:19,930 --> 00:07:21,853 let me save the police some trouble. 140 00:07:21,930 --> 00:07:23,694 My wife did it. 141 00:07:23,770 --> 00:07:27,058 I'm letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. 142 00:07:27,130 --> 00:07:28,575 So you can make it up to me by working 143 00:07:28,690 --> 00:07:30,180 an extra half an hour tomorrow, 144 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,571 or a minute extra for the rest of the month. 145 00:07:32,650 --> 00:07:36,052 Ooh, announcement. Some of us whose televisions got broken 146 00:07:36,130 --> 00:07:38,258 during an all-you-can-eat-shrimp commercial 147 00:07:38,370 --> 00:07:40,498 will be watching tonight at Poor Richard's. 148 00:07:40,610 --> 00:07:42,977 But note, all are welcome, 149 00:07:43,050 --> 00:07:46,338 not just those who saw an all-you-can-eat-shrimp commercial 150 00:07:46,450 --> 00:07:49,181 and charged their televisions. 151 00:07:49,250 --> 00:07:52,140 I can't believe the doc is finally going to air. 152 00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:56,056 When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. 153 00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:58,417 As was Kevin, I believe. 154 00:07:58,490 --> 00:08:00,413 This airs tonight? 155 00:08:00,490 --> 00:08:01,821 Oh, my God. 156 00:08:02,490 --> 00:08:05,255 If my parents see this, I am toast. 157 00:08:10,570 --> 00:08:12,254 This is really huge. 158 00:08:12,330 --> 00:08:14,253 This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. 159 00:08:15,530 --> 00:08:17,100 Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here 160 00:08:17,170 --> 00:08:19,377 and sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miz? 161 00:08:19,450 --> 00:08:22,135 With that baritone? That would be historic. 162 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,941 Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati, Ohio! 163 00:08:25,010 --> 00:08:27,217 Doctor, Doctor Give me the news 164 00:08:27,290 --> 00:08:30,100 I got a great Casey Dean for you 165 00:08:30,170 --> 00:08:31,251 Whoa. No. America! 166 00:08:31,370 --> 00:08:34,931 No, this is my time. You don't belt on my time, I belt on my time. 167 00:08:35,010 --> 00:08:37,251 Casey Dean 168 00:08:37,370 --> 00:08:41,375 Casey Dean 169 00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:46,299 Man, those are some nice pipes. Yeah. 170 00:08:46,370 --> 00:08:47,701 What's your name? 171 00:08:50,050 --> 00:08:51,575 What's yours? 172 00:08:52,570 --> 00:08:56,211 Why didn't you pack the apple snacks? 173 00:08:56,290 --> 00:08:57,416 Guys. 174 00:08:57,530 --> 00:08:58,691 Because whenever I pack the bag 175 00:08:58,770 --> 00:09:00,135 you say I do it wrong. 176 00:09:00,210 --> 00:09:01,700 Guys. Guys. Why don't you pack it? 177 00:09:01,770 --> 00:09:02,931 Kevin, what? Kevin, what is it? 178 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:05,377 Do you want to see a video of a weatherman 179 00:09:05,450 --> 00:09:08,579 who says "bold front" instead of "cold front"? 180 00:09:08,650 --> 00:09:09,981 It is insane! 181 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,371 Not now, Kevin. Can't you see we're busy? 182 00:09:12,450 --> 00:09:14,339 Phillip needs his apple snacks! 183 00:09:14,410 --> 00:09:15,616 Seriously, Kevin. 184 00:09:15,690 --> 00:09:16,896 I'm just going to have to go to the store. 185 00:09:17,050 --> 00:09:18,336 Okay, you go to the store. 186 00:09:18,410 --> 00:09:22,813 Phillip. Phillip. Phillip. It's all about Phillip. 187 00:09:22,890 --> 00:09:25,461 I hate Phillip. 188 00:09:27,930 --> 00:09:29,500 Not now! Private time. 189 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,493 I love Star Wars as much as the next guy... 190 00:09:31,570 --> 00:09:33,572 Hey, hey! Seriously? 191 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:38,572 My God. I'm so sorry. 192 00:09:39,930 --> 00:09:41,375 Well, this might make up for it. 193 00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:45,296 I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN. 194 00:09:46,330 --> 00:09:47,616 Which is, of course... 195 00:09:47,770 --> 00:09:49,010 Potential Future Nonsense. 196 00:09:49,090 --> 00:09:52,014 Yes. Good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. 197 00:09:52,090 --> 00:09:53,216 Now hurry up, shut the door! 198 00:09:55,450 --> 00:09:56,451 Break it down for me. 199 00:09:56,530 --> 00:09:58,771 I'm going to need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. 200 00:09:59,770 --> 00:10:00,817 You've got a regional manager. 201 00:10:00,930 --> 00:10:02,011 The power source. 202 00:10:02,090 --> 00:10:04,377 Obviously. The assistant to the regional manager. 203 00:10:04,450 --> 00:10:05,975 The loyal but bungling apostle. 204 00:10:06,090 --> 00:10:10,095 But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager? 205 00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:17,295 Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliere. 206 00:10:17,370 --> 00:10:18,371 Exactly. 207 00:10:18,450 --> 00:10:21,374 I'd have to get some more wire and string. 208 00:10:21,450 --> 00:10:22,690 But it's doable. 209 00:10:22,770 --> 00:10:24,898 Do you think any of them out there are capable? 210 00:10:24,970 --> 00:10:26,096 Yeah, right. 211 00:10:26,170 --> 00:10:28,172 I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests. 212 00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:30,218 I like the sound of that. 213 00:10:30,290 --> 00:10:31,371 What did you have in mind? 214 00:10:31,490 --> 00:10:32,935 Well, I know this sounds crazy, 215 00:10:33,010 --> 00:10:34,819 but how would King Arthur choose 216 00:10:34,930 --> 00:10:36,694 the next knight of his Round Table? 217 00:10:37,490 --> 00:10:41,654 That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's the sanest thing I've ever heard. 218 00:10:43,850 --> 00:10:45,181 What are you listening to? 219 00:10:45,250 --> 00:10:47,252 Hmm? I'm locking in my starting note. 220 00:10:47,330 --> 00:10:49,697 A 440 221 00:10:49,810 --> 00:10:51,494 Oh, sweet. A cappella is all about pitch, 222 00:10:51,570 --> 00:10:54,574 and I am nothing if not a total pitch-bitch. 223 00:10:55,250 --> 00:10:57,651 What's up, everybody, and welcome to 224 00:10:57,850 --> 00:11:00,251 America's Next A Cappella Sensation. 225 00:11:00,330 --> 00:11:02,492 Hi, Mark McGrath! 226 00:11:02,570 --> 00:11:03,981 Oh, my God! 227 00:11:04,050 --> 00:11:05,176 You're gorgeous! 228 00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:06,371 Thank you. Thank you so much, 229 00:11:06,450 --> 00:11:08,612 and thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys 230 00:11:08,690 --> 00:11:10,374 within the next five to seven hours. 231 00:11:10,450 --> 00:11:13,101 Now, just to give you a couple of parameters of the show, 232 00:11:13,170 --> 00:11:15,980 each of you will sing a song for 30 seconds, 233 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,178 after which our judges will decide 234 00:11:18,370 --> 00:11:20,452 if they want you in their a cappella group. 235 00:11:20,530 --> 00:11:22,931 Now each group will start with 90 singers 236 00:11:23,010 --> 00:11:26,412 which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges. 237 00:11:26,490 --> 00:11:27,616 Oh! 238 00:11:27,690 --> 00:11:29,454 And look out for that pesky mole! 239 00:11:29,530 --> 00:11:31,612 Ooh! There's a mole? 240 00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:34,296 Oops. I'm not supposed to... 241 00:11:34,370 --> 00:11:36,213 I'm not supposed to say that. All right, no mole. 242 00:11:36,290 --> 00:11:37,655 Forget I said it. All right? 243 00:11:37,730 --> 00:11:40,131 What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it. 244 00:11:40,210 --> 00:11:41,291 Good man, right there. 245 00:11:41,370 --> 00:11:43,577 I'll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right? 246 00:11:43,650 --> 00:11:45,300 Yeah! 247 00:11:45,370 --> 00:11:48,021 Pour some Sugar Ray on me! 248 00:11:48,610 --> 00:11:49,975 On a roll much? I don't know where that came from. 249 00:11:50,050 --> 00:11:51,256 That was amazing, man. Yeah. 250 00:11:51,330 --> 00:11:52,695 Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny. 251 00:11:52,770 --> 00:11:54,534 Yeah, you made a personal connection with him. 252 00:11:54,610 --> 00:11:55,941 I did! I felt it. Big time. 253 00:11:57,490 --> 00:11:58,696 What are you so excited about? 254 00:11:58,770 --> 00:11:59,817 Nothing. 255 00:11:59,930 --> 00:12:01,011 What are you up to? 256 00:12:05,130 --> 00:12:06,859 Members of the office, hear ye! 257 00:12:06,970 --> 00:12:08,699 That means ye, Plop. 258 00:12:09,370 --> 00:12:10,974 "Plop"? Still? 259 00:12:11,090 --> 00:12:12,774 We owe Andy that much. 260 00:12:12,850 --> 00:12:14,500 - Yeah. - Absolutely we do. 261 00:12:14,570 --> 00:12:15,981 Am I right, people? 262 00:12:17,090 --> 00:12:18,251 Fine. 263 00:12:18,410 --> 00:12:19,571 Today we will be testing candidates 264 00:12:19,690 --> 00:12:23,456 for the position of Assistant to the Assistant to the Regional Manager. 265 00:12:23,530 --> 00:12:25,180 Oh, heck yeah! Nice. 266 00:12:25,250 --> 00:12:27,059 You'll always have the upper hand 267 00:12:27,130 --> 00:12:31,215 when you've got a good AARM. Trademark pending. 268 00:12:31,290 --> 00:12:33,133 This is not an excuse to blow off work 269 00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:35,139 doing carnival-like activities. 270 00:12:35,210 --> 00:12:37,690 Sure, every participant will be getting a corndog, 271 00:12:37,770 --> 00:12:40,171 but that's for fueling only. No savoring. 272 00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:42,537 Wow, what an honor. God, I envy them. 273 00:12:42,610 --> 00:12:44,100 He envies you. 274 00:12:44,210 --> 00:12:45,575 You don't need to repeat right now. 275 00:12:45,690 --> 00:12:46,771 All right. What I'm saying. 276 00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,421 By 2:00, Dwight will choose himself 277 00:12:49,530 --> 00:12:52,136 to be assistant to his own assistant, me. 278 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:01,770 What's up? 279 00:13:01,930 --> 00:13:03,170 What's going on? How was the delivery? 280 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:04,934 Delivered all my furniture to Philly. 281 00:13:05,010 --> 00:13:07,490 Hey, keep it down though. Nobody knows I'm here. 282 00:13:08,010 --> 00:13:09,739 I hate goodbyes. 283 00:13:09,810 --> 00:13:12,381 So last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, 284 00:13:12,450 --> 00:13:14,134 I pulled the old Irish exit. 285 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,178 Just slipped out without making a big deal. 286 00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:19,140 No hard feelings. No feelings at all. 287 00:13:21,770 --> 00:13:24,341 A good assistant knows what their superior 288 00:13:24,450 --> 00:13:26,293 is thinking before they even think it. 289 00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,338 Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now? 290 00:13:28,410 --> 00:13:30,458 Uh... Two? 291 00:13:30,530 --> 00:13:33,056 Nine-hundred-eighty-five trillion seventeen. 292 00:13:33,170 --> 00:13:35,298 Not even close, Meredith. Come on! 293 00:13:35,370 --> 00:13:37,850 Pam, what song is running through my head right now? 294 00:13:37,930 --> 00:13:39,978 Theme song from Saved by the Bell. 295 00:13:40,050 --> 00:13:42,257 Oh, my God! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World. 296 00:13:42,330 --> 00:13:43,377 Wait! No, no, no, stop. 297 00:13:43,450 --> 00:13:44,895 Spouses can read each other's minds. 298 00:13:45,010 --> 00:13:46,500 You're trying to give your wife this job. 299 00:13:47,290 --> 00:13:48,655 That's exactly what I was doing. 300 00:13:49,130 --> 00:13:51,337 Plop, what animal am I picturing? 301 00:13:51,450 --> 00:13:52,497 A horse? 302 00:13:52,810 --> 00:13:54,141 Ooh. Exact opposite, actually. 303 00:13:54,210 --> 00:13:55,621 What's the opposite of a horse? 304 00:13:55,690 --> 00:13:56,691 A sea horse. 305 00:13:56,770 --> 00:13:57,817 A sea horse! 306 00:13:58,530 --> 00:13:59,656 Whoa. 307 00:14:00,050 --> 00:14:01,700 How did you know I was going to say that? 308 00:14:01,850 --> 00:14:03,500 Say that. 309 00:14:04,650 --> 00:14:06,220 Uncanny. Uncanny. 310 00:14:08,370 --> 00:14:10,941 Challenge number two. Protocol. Clark? Yeah. 311 00:14:11,010 --> 00:14:12,580 Do you want a corndog? 312 00:14:12,650 --> 00:14:13,731 I would love a corndog. 313 00:14:13,810 --> 00:14:15,539 We'll see. You are an assistant 314 00:14:15,690 --> 00:14:17,419 who's just gotten a phone message. 315 00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:19,891 I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder 316 00:14:20,050 --> 00:14:22,496 and his niece. Uh-oh! Look who came to join us. 317 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,493 The Turkish Ambassador to Armenia, 318 00:14:24,570 --> 00:14:26,095 Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely 319 00:14:26,210 --> 00:14:27,735 embarrassed about the size of his nose. 320 00:14:28,330 --> 00:14:30,617 Go ahead and read that phone message. 321 00:14:30,730 --> 00:14:32,573 Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how 322 00:14:32,730 --> 00:14:34,653 your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went. 323 00:14:34,730 --> 00:14:38,018 No, no, no. You don't read it aloud like that. 324 00:14:38,090 --> 00:14:40,536 God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. 325 00:14:40,610 --> 00:14:42,897 There's no Turkish Ambassador to Armenia, 326 00:14:42,970 --> 00:14:45,974 the two countries don't have diplomatic relations. 327 00:14:47,610 --> 00:14:48,850 Uncanny. 328 00:14:50,010 --> 00:14:53,412 I just hope if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win, 329 00:14:53,490 --> 00:14:55,458 they'll feel like anything is possible. 330 00:14:55,530 --> 00:14:58,261 Great, more screen time for the war vet. 331 00:14:58,650 --> 00:15:00,334 All you got to do is risk your life for this 332 00:15:00,450 --> 00:15:02,179 country and everyone goes ga-ga for you. 333 00:15:02,250 --> 00:15:03,331 Over at the porta potties, 334 00:15:03,410 --> 00:15:06,141 they were interviewing a homeless single mother with three kids. 335 00:15:06,210 --> 00:15:08,178 What? Yeah. 336 00:15:08,250 --> 00:15:12,938 Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit, 337 00:15:13,010 --> 00:15:15,058 or is it a show about singing? 338 00:15:15,130 --> 00:15:16,814 I don't know, but I'm getting really worried here. 339 00:15:16,890 --> 00:15:18,016 Me, too. 340 00:15:19,490 --> 00:15:20,651 Hold my place in line. 341 00:15:20,730 --> 00:15:22,494 Where are you going? 342 00:15:22,930 --> 00:15:24,580 They want feel-good stories? 343 00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:27,694 Wait till they get a good feel of me. 344 00:15:29,570 --> 00:15:31,174 Thanks, man. Thank you. 345 00:15:31,290 --> 00:15:32,451 Man, take care. 346 00:15:33,050 --> 00:15:34,211 Darryl! Hey! 347 00:15:34,290 --> 00:15:35,621 Hey- 348 00:15:35,730 --> 00:15:37,380 Cool, are you coming back to say hi? 349 00:15:37,450 --> 00:15:39,851 No, no. I'm not here, actually. 350 00:15:39,930 --> 00:15:41,614 These donuts are part of my escape 351 00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,454 from the guys at the warehouse I didn't say goodbye to. 352 00:15:43,850 --> 00:15:45,773 A-ha! How's Athlead? 353 00:15:45,850 --> 00:15:46,931 We're living like rock stars! 354 00:15:47,010 --> 00:15:49,012 I'm about to eat free steak with 355 00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:51,132 my sports heroes in 32 different cities! 356 00:15:51,210 --> 00:15:53,099 Wow! Jim really doesn't want to come? 357 00:15:53,170 --> 00:15:54,615 He says he doesn't want to. 358 00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:57,253 Man, I hope he doesn't regret it. 359 00:15:58,210 --> 00:16:00,975 Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin. 360 00:16:01,130 --> 00:16:04,213 Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin? 361 00:16:04,290 --> 00:16:05,496 That's what he says. 362 00:16:06,170 --> 00:16:07,217 If you say so. 363 00:16:07,290 --> 00:16:08,701 Hey, good seeing you, 364 00:16:08,770 --> 00:16:10,499 and remember, I was never here. 365 00:16:11,330 --> 00:16:12,980 All right, man. 366 00:16:13,650 --> 00:16:16,859 An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity, 367 00:16:16,930 --> 00:16:20,491 but an assistant to the assistant has 1,000 times more to prove. 368 00:16:20,570 --> 00:16:22,015 A thousand times more. 369 00:16:22,130 --> 00:16:23,780 I'll try this one. Phyllis. 370 00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,614 Grab both these coffees, double-fist it, 371 00:16:25,730 --> 00:16:27,459 and head through this obstacle course. 372 00:16:27,530 --> 00:16:28,736 Okay. Ooh, it's hot. 373 00:16:28,890 --> 00:16:30,130 Yeah, it's real. 374 00:16:31,530 --> 00:16:33,100 It's the only way you'll learn. Okay. 375 00:16:33,170 --> 00:16:34,660 And go ahead. 376 00:16:36,970 --> 00:16:39,052 Oh, God, nice. 377 00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:40,973 She's through the green, everybody. Here comes yellow. 378 00:16:41,050 --> 00:16:42,620 Oh, no, no, no. A real doozie. 379 00:16:42,690 --> 00:16:43,771 Phyllis? Seriously? 380 00:16:43,850 --> 00:16:44,817 Careful. 381 00:16:44,890 --> 00:16:45,937 Look at that form! 382 00:16:46,010 --> 00:16:47,011 Oh, God, this is pathetic. 383 00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,979 The boss needs his coffee! 384 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,461 Wow. 385 00:16:55,690 --> 00:16:57,374 Here you are, sir! Here's your coffee. 386 00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:58,611 Ow! My skin! 387 00:16:58,690 --> 00:17:00,101 Ow! Ow! Oh! 388 00:17:00,210 --> 00:17:01,336 It burns! Ow! 389 00:17:03,850 --> 00:17:05,375 Uncanny. 390 00:17:08,530 --> 00:17:10,373 Darryl? Darryl! 391 00:17:11,370 --> 00:17:15,375 Whoa! Oh, hey. Hey! What's up, y'all? 392 00:17:15,450 --> 00:17:17,373 You left us without saying goodbye! 393 00:17:17,530 --> 00:17:20,898 Oh. My bad. Goodbye, everybody. 394 00:17:20,970 --> 00:17:21,971 Hey, no way! 395 00:17:22,050 --> 00:17:23,017 That is totally uncool. 396 00:17:23,090 --> 00:17:24,501 Are you kidding? 397 00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:26,135 You broke our hearts! 398 00:17:26,210 --> 00:17:27,257 Get upstairs. 399 00:17:27,330 --> 00:17:28,297 I don't think I should. 400 00:17:28,370 --> 00:17:30,293 Get upstairs, mister! Yeah! 401 00:17:30,370 --> 00:17:31,701 Right now! 402 00:17:31,770 --> 00:17:33,374 Guess I'm going upstairs. 403 00:17:33,450 --> 00:17:36,135 You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing, 404 00:17:36,210 --> 00:17:37,450 none of these people are good enough. 405 00:17:37,530 --> 00:17:38,656 I know. 406 00:17:38,730 --> 00:17:41,336 What I'm about to say makes no logical sense, 407 00:17:41,410 --> 00:17:44,493 and yet it might be the most logical thing I've ever said. 408 00:17:44,570 --> 00:17:46,413 Jim, this is going to come as no surprise, 409 00:17:46,530 --> 00:17:48,339 but I know exactly what you are going to say. 410 00:17:48,410 --> 00:17:51,414 The only possible assistant to my assistant... 411 00:17:51,490 --> 00:17:52,696 ls... 412 00:17:52,810 --> 00:17:54,050 me. 413 00:17:54,970 --> 00:18:00,818 The new Assistant to the Assistant to the Regional Manager is 414 00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:03,334 Dwight K. Schrute! Yes! 415 00:18:03,410 --> 00:18:04,900 Yes. 416 00:18:05,330 --> 00:18:07,014 Thank you. 417 00:18:07,130 --> 00:18:08,814 I think you might want to kneel for this. 418 00:18:08,890 --> 00:18:12,497 And yet, the manager of Dunder Mifflin kneels for no man. 419 00:18:16,610 --> 00:18:17,850 That's it. Okay. 420 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,375 You look really, really good. 421 00:18:30,130 --> 00:18:33,339 Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me, 422 00:18:33,410 --> 00:18:36,141 has got to go through me first. All right? 423 00:18:42,250 --> 00:18:43,297 Hey! 424 00:18:44,130 --> 00:18:46,053 Hey. You all right? 425 00:18:48,250 --> 00:18:49,820 What's going on? 426 00:18:50,690 --> 00:18:51,930 Are you happy? 427 00:18:52,010 --> 00:18:53,739 Yes, I'm happy- 428 00:18:53,810 --> 00:18:56,575 No, I know that you're, like, happy 429 00:18:56,650 --> 00:18:57,890 and you had fun today. Yeah. 430 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,860 And that was fun. But what about a year from now? 431 00:19:00,970 --> 00:19:02,893 What? What about five years from now? 432 00:19:02,970 --> 00:19:04,017 Pam... 433 00:19:04,170 --> 00:19:05,251 Because I'm so glad you're back, baby, 434 00:19:05,330 --> 00:19:08,174 but I'm just... I was talking to Darryl, 435 00:19:08,250 --> 00:19:10,491 and he was talking about the trip, 436 00:19:10,610 --> 00:19:12,851 and I just feel like you're giving up so much. 437 00:19:12,970 --> 00:19:15,576 This was my decision, not yours. 438 00:19:15,650 --> 00:19:16,936 You didn't force me. 439 00:19:17,010 --> 00:19:18,091 I kind of forced you to do it. 440 00:19:18,170 --> 00:19:19,251 You did not force me to do this. 441 00:19:19,330 --> 00:19:20,934 Yes, I did. I don't know how else to tell you. 442 00:19:21,010 --> 00:19:22,250 I'm afraid you're going to resent me. 443 00:19:22,330 --> 00:19:24,059 I'm afraid that this is not enough for you. Resent you? 444 00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:26,815 And I'm afraid that I'm not enough for you. 445 00:19:27,690 --> 00:19:28,896 Is that really what you think? 446 00:19:32,410 --> 00:19:36,893 Not enough? I don't know how else to explain it to her, so, 447 00:19:38,170 --> 00:19:40,377 you know what? I know it's against the rules, 448 00:19:40,530 --> 00:19:42,658 but I'm going to need a favor from you guys. 449 00:19:42,730 --> 00:19:44,619 Okay. You got it, man. 450 00:19:50,810 --> 00:19:53,051 I didn't realize we were this close. 451 00:19:53,130 --> 00:19:55,940 We're all a little hormonal with the doc airing. 452 00:19:56,010 --> 00:19:58,536 Are you gonna come to Poor Richard's and watch with us tonight? 453 00:19:58,610 --> 00:20:00,055 Uh... 454 00:20:00,410 --> 00:20:02,492 Yeah, depending on traffic. 455 00:20:02,570 --> 00:20:03,901 He ain't coming. 456 00:20:04,010 --> 00:20:05,375 Oh, God! 457 00:20:06,850 --> 00:20:09,854 These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. 458 00:20:09,930 --> 00:20:12,456 Picked the wrong day to return a truck. 459 00:20:12,570 --> 00:20:14,220 Well, it's been great. 460 00:20:14,290 --> 00:20:17,055 Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years 461 00:20:17,130 --> 00:20:18,734 and then he's gone for who knows how long. 462 00:20:18,810 --> 00:20:20,300 Maybe forever. 463 00:20:20,410 --> 00:20:21,457 Anyhow... 464 00:20:21,530 --> 00:20:22,497 Did we ever have lunch together, 465 00:20:22,570 --> 00:20:24,971 just the two of us? 466 00:20:25,050 --> 00:20:26,859 You know what? I'm going to make 467 00:20:26,970 --> 00:20:28,813 reservations right now at Cugino's. 468 00:20:28,890 --> 00:20:30,016 Question for Darryl. 469 00:20:30,130 --> 00:20:32,656 Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van? 470 00:20:32,930 --> 00:20:34,898 Oh. Oh, I'm sure we did. 471 00:20:35,010 --> 00:20:37,775 Nah, I call one hour van time with Darryl. 472 00:20:37,850 --> 00:20:40,615 Darryl, I would love to just record some of your stories, 473 00:20:40,690 --> 00:20:42,897 just let the tape roll for six or eight 474 00:20:43,010 --> 00:20:45,172 or 10 hours and just see what we get. 475 00:20:45,250 --> 00:20:47,014 Listen, guys, we can do it all. 476 00:20:47,090 --> 00:20:48,615 We just have to divide Darryl's 477 00:20:48,770 --> 00:20:50,295 next 12 hours into 90-minute segments. 478 00:20:50,370 --> 00:20:53,101 I will go watch an e-How video on how to use Excel, 479 00:20:53,170 --> 00:20:54,581 and then we'll get this started. 480 00:20:54,690 --> 00:20:56,055 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute! 481 00:20:57,090 --> 00:21:01,140 Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here, and that's on me. 482 00:21:01,210 --> 00:21:04,419 But I'm not going to spend the rest of the day here 483 00:21:04,490 --> 00:21:07,141 doing stuff with you 'cause you're feeling sentimental. 484 00:21:07,250 --> 00:21:08,854 You have to! 485 00:21:08,930 --> 00:21:12,457 Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'll do one thing with y'all. 486 00:21:12,530 --> 00:21:13,816 Which thing? 487 00:21:13,890 --> 00:21:16,097 I don't care. Choose amongst yourselves. Not the van, though. 488 00:21:19,450 --> 00:21:21,020 Yeah, sleep time? 489 00:21:22,130 --> 00:21:23,700 Kevin. Kevin! 490 00:21:23,770 --> 00:21:25,579 Oh, you know my name. 491 00:21:25,650 --> 00:21:27,539 Well, that is shocking. 492 00:21:28,450 --> 00:21:30,532 Kevin, could you not do that? 493 00:21:30,610 --> 00:21:34,740 What? I'm moving the ink down in my pen, for work. 494 00:21:35,290 --> 00:21:36,530 Here, use my pen. 495 00:21:36,650 --> 00:21:38,937 Don't tell me what to do! 496 00:21:39,010 --> 00:21:42,332 I don't need this. And you obviously don't need me. 497 00:21:42,450 --> 00:21:44,259 Kevin, where are you going? Away! 498 00:21:45,010 --> 00:21:49,652 Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true! 499 00:21:52,930 --> 00:21:54,341 He just won't go down. 500 00:21:54,410 --> 00:21:56,651 It's as if he's excited by all this paper. 501 00:21:56,730 --> 00:22:01,418 I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond. 502 00:22:01,490 --> 00:22:03,015 Smart baby. 503 00:22:03,090 --> 00:22:05,218 That's the most flavorful bond. 504 00:22:12,170 --> 00:22:14,059 Hey, what's going on over here? 505 00:22:14,130 --> 00:22:16,701 Some sort of singing competition for the young'uns? 506 00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:17,931 You're back! 507 00:22:18,050 --> 00:22:19,256 No, it's me, Andy! 508 00:22:19,330 --> 00:22:20,616 No, I know! 509 00:22:20,730 --> 00:22:22,016 No, I'm wearing makeup! 510 00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:23,774 You did a really great job. 511 00:22:23,850 --> 00:22:25,056 Thank you. You even look shorter. 512 00:22:25,130 --> 00:22:27,974 Oh, I took out my lifts. Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, 513 00:22:28,050 --> 00:22:29,654 this character is my real height. 514 00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:31,096 Oh. 515 00:22:31,210 --> 00:22:34,657 All day long it's moo the cows and cluck the hens. 516 00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:37,853 Mmm-hmm. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs. 517 00:22:37,930 --> 00:22:40,137 Oink the pigs. That is very important. 518 00:22:40,210 --> 00:22:42,451 Dwight, I'm telling you all the things Ma 519 00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:44,777 said after the horse kicked her in the head. 520 00:22:44,890 --> 00:22:46,301 Where are you? 521 00:22:47,690 --> 00:22:48,976 Dwight? 522 00:22:49,050 --> 00:22:51,212 The way that boy looks at the Galactica, 523 00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:53,577 is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. 524 00:22:54,530 --> 00:22:56,897 And he eats the same kind of paper I do. 525 00:22:57,970 --> 00:22:59,176 Hmm. 526 00:23:06,890 --> 00:23:08,699 Thank you, Esther. Bye. 527 00:23:19,290 --> 00:23:21,531 You threw the summoning bag at me, sir? 528 00:23:21,610 --> 00:23:23,533 I need you to perform a test. 529 00:23:23,610 --> 00:23:25,135 Perform a test. 530 00:23:25,210 --> 00:23:26,450 On an innocent baby. 531 00:23:26,570 --> 00:23:28,732 Ooh. I like where this is going. 532 00:23:28,850 --> 00:23:30,500 Unfortunately, I have a lot on my plate today, 533 00:23:30,570 --> 00:23:32,459 so I'm going to have to hand this off to my number two. 534 00:23:32,530 --> 00:23:33,770 But don't worry. 535 00:23:34,130 --> 00:23:35,734 He's the best in the biz. 536 00:23:36,170 --> 00:23:37,376 Damn straight. 537 00:23:37,490 --> 00:23:38,730 Unless you think he can't handle it. 538 00:23:38,810 --> 00:23:40,255 Hey, he can handle it. 539 00:23:40,690 --> 00:23:41,691 All right. 540 00:23:46,770 --> 00:23:49,057 Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. 541 00:23:49,810 --> 00:23:51,300 Stanley is sleeping. You don't want to 542 00:23:51,410 --> 00:23:52,855 wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you? 543 00:23:52,930 --> 00:23:54,694 I heard that. 544 00:23:54,770 --> 00:23:56,101 Mama. 545 00:23:56,610 --> 00:23:58,533 Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? 546 00:23:58,610 --> 00:24:00,772 Pam can attest, there's no one better 547 00:24:00,930 --> 00:24:03,092 at getting brats to shut their yaps. 548 00:24:03,170 --> 00:24:04,456 He does have a gift. 549 00:24:04,530 --> 00:24:09,058 Well, he's crying for his mom, but, okay, here you go. Careful, he bites. 550 00:24:09,130 --> 00:24:10,575 Mama. Okay. 551 00:24:13,810 --> 00:24:16,336 You ever been in a manager's office before? 552 00:24:17,530 --> 00:24:19,134 Phillip, you want to play a little game? 553 00:24:19,210 --> 00:24:21,133 It's called Schrute or Consequences? 554 00:24:21,210 --> 00:24:23,338 You're going to choose one of these two things, 555 00:24:23,450 --> 00:24:26,181 a check for a million dollars 556 00:24:26,930 --> 00:24:30,252 or this dirty, old beet. 557 00:24:30,770 --> 00:24:32,659 Yuck! Phew! 558 00:24:33,130 --> 00:24:34,291 Which will it be, 559 00:24:36,090 --> 00:24:37,819 money or the beet? 560 00:24:39,330 --> 00:24:40,536 Beet. 561 00:24:41,410 --> 00:24:42,457 Yeah. 562 00:24:43,970 --> 00:24:45,893 Any ordinary child would have taken the money, 563 00:24:46,010 --> 00:24:49,253 but you're no ordinary child, are you? No. 564 00:24:49,330 --> 00:24:53,654 I can tell by your gorgeous, widely set eyes. 565 00:24:57,090 --> 00:24:58,899 Sorry, folks. The judges are totally swamped. 566 00:24:59,010 --> 00:25:00,853 We are all done taking auditions. 567 00:25:02,690 --> 00:25:03,771 Whoa, whoa! What? 568 00:25:03,850 --> 00:25:06,091 But thanks for coming out, and please be sure to watch 569 00:25:06,170 --> 00:25:07,774 America's Next A Cappella Sensation. 570 00:25:07,850 --> 00:25:09,534 Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't do that. 571 00:25:09,650 --> 00:25:11,254 You can't do that. We've all been waiting! 572 00:25:11,370 --> 00:25:12,974 Okay. lam going in there. 573 00:25:13,050 --> 00:25:14,176 No. 574 00:25:14,370 --> 00:25:15,451 Don't... Don't touch me! 575 00:25:15,530 --> 00:25:16,691 I'm not touching you. 576 00:25:18,490 --> 00:25:20,891 Look! Run, old man! Run! 577 00:25:20,970 --> 00:25:23,576 Run! Run for your life! 578 00:25:23,690 --> 00:25:25,454 Don't you dare. Don't get... 579 00:25:25,530 --> 00:25:27,578 I just thought you were going to get handsy with me. 580 00:25:27,650 --> 00:25:30,460 Not interested. I'm Casey Dean. 581 00:25:30,530 --> 00:25:31,975 Be seeing the last of me. 582 00:25:32,050 --> 00:25:34,894 Or I meant you won't be seeing the last of me. 583 00:25:37,810 --> 00:25:38,971 Hey! 584 00:25:39,050 --> 00:25:40,415 Did you manage to feed him? 585 00:25:40,490 --> 00:25:42,891 I don't know what it is, he just keeps spitting out the nipple. 586 00:25:42,970 --> 00:25:45,576 That's because this baby is of superior intelligence 587 00:25:45,650 --> 00:25:47,414 and can tell when he is being tricked 588 00:25:47,570 --> 00:25:49,379 out of the experience of a real human breast. 589 00:25:49,490 --> 00:25:50,730 Come on. 590 00:25:50,850 --> 00:25:52,090 He's not that smart. 591 00:25:52,170 --> 00:25:54,741 He doesn't know where I hid his duck. 592 00:26:14,050 --> 00:26:16,735 You're still here! Oh, thank God. 593 00:26:16,850 --> 00:26:18,818 Clay Aiken, Santigold and Aaron Rodgers! 594 00:26:18,930 --> 00:26:20,898 You're like my three favorite people ever! 595 00:26:20,970 --> 00:26:22,859 Excuse me, what is this? 596 00:26:22,930 --> 00:26:24,341 Sweetheart, you're amazing, okay? 597 00:26:24,410 --> 00:26:26,014 You're obviously going to be on the show. 598 00:26:26,090 --> 00:26:28,058 So, it's someone else's turn now. 599 00:26:28,130 --> 00:26:29,495 Go ahead. All right? 600 00:26:30,970 --> 00:26:32,210 Um... 601 00:26:32,290 --> 00:26:34,861 My name is Ezra Cornell! 602 00:26:34,930 --> 00:26:38,855 And I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart. 603 00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:42,412 No, you're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on. 604 00:26:42,490 --> 00:26:44,254 Busted. 605 00:26:44,330 --> 00:26:47,539 Got it. Yes, all right, tried to get your attention with tricks, 606 00:26:47,610 --> 00:26:50,216 but you just want to hear me sing. I respect that. 607 00:26:50,290 --> 00:26:53,134 We do not want to hear you sing. 608 00:26:53,210 --> 00:26:55,053 Gabriella was our last audition. 609 00:26:55,130 --> 00:26:56,211 Thank you, goodbye. 610 00:26:56,290 --> 00:26:58,213 Nope! Can't end like this. 611 00:26:58,290 --> 00:27:02,136 Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges! 612 00:27:02,210 --> 00:27:03,894 I went to the bathroom on my boss's car, 613 00:27:03,970 --> 00:27:06,894 and I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern. 614 00:27:06,970 --> 00:27:08,210 Flag on the play. 615 00:27:08,290 --> 00:27:12,215 That's what... Yeah. Okay, all right. Well, here's the song. 616 00:27:24,650 --> 00:27:25,936 What is this song? 617 00:27:26,050 --> 00:27:27,336 Are you insane? 618 00:27:27,410 --> 00:27:29,094 It's the Cornell Fight Song! 619 00:27:29,170 --> 00:27:31,901 Listen, all right, thank you very much. We're not interested. 620 00:27:32,010 --> 00:27:33,660 You didn't let me finish! That's not fair! 621 00:27:33,730 --> 00:27:35,414 Look, man, you're not terrible, but we've 622 00:27:35,530 --> 00:27:37,214 heard a lot of really good singers today, 623 00:27:37,290 --> 00:27:38,496 and you're just not good enough. 624 00:27:38,570 --> 00:27:41,301 Wow, you guys are really mean. 625 00:27:41,370 --> 00:27:43,020 I guess that's the show. 626 00:27:43,090 --> 00:27:44,421 Let me try a different song, okay? 627 00:27:44,490 --> 00:27:45,571 Can he do this? 628 00:27:58,010 --> 00:27:59,171 Yeah. 629 00:28:02,850 --> 00:28:04,852 Look, you've got to go. 630 00:28:09,890 --> 00:28:11,540 You can't just sit here and cry. 631 00:28:11,610 --> 00:28:14,375 I can so just sit here and cry! 632 00:28:28,450 --> 00:28:29,895 Thank you. 633 00:28:32,490 --> 00:28:34,333 Hey, Kev. How are you doing, buddy? 634 00:28:34,410 --> 00:28:35,855 I can't hear you. 635 00:28:35,930 --> 00:28:38,695 I'm giving you the silence treatment. 636 00:28:39,410 --> 00:28:41,572 How does it feel being ignored? 637 00:28:43,130 --> 00:28:46,134 Okay, I guess. It's just that Phillip got you something. 638 00:28:46,250 --> 00:28:49,777 Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes. 639 00:28:49,850 --> 00:28:51,500 I think there's, like, $7 left. 640 00:28:52,130 --> 00:28:54,098 It's just his way of saying, "Thanks 641 00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:56,173 for letting me hang out in Accounting." 642 00:28:56,250 --> 00:28:57,456 Phillip got this for me? 643 00:28:57,570 --> 00:28:58,810 Sure. 644 00:29:00,370 --> 00:29:01,781 That was a really cool move. 645 00:29:02,690 --> 00:29:04,215 Would you like to hold Phillip? 646 00:29:06,410 --> 00:29:08,538 Yeah, that's Kevin. 647 00:29:08,610 --> 00:29:09,941 Hi. 648 00:29:10,050 --> 00:29:11,290 - Whoa. - Easy. 649 00:29:11,370 --> 00:29:12,895 What a chubbers. 650 00:29:14,850 --> 00:29:16,261 Whoa... Okay, hey. 651 00:29:16,370 --> 00:29:17,815 I'm losing my balance. 652 00:29:17,890 --> 00:29:19,813 Okay, Kevin, no. No. No horseplay. 653 00:29:19,890 --> 00:29:20,937 Stop it. 654 00:29:21,050 --> 00:29:22,051 You want to play with the cactus? 655 00:29:22,130 --> 00:29:23,575 No! No! 656 00:29:23,650 --> 00:29:25,812 So me and Phillip were just talking, 657 00:29:25,890 --> 00:29:29,861 and we decided we're going to be best friends. 658 00:29:30,650 --> 00:29:32,937 He's a little stand-offish at first. 659 00:29:33,090 --> 00:29:35,172 But once he starts buying you things, 660 00:29:35,290 --> 00:29:37,452 man, you can tell he likes you. 661 00:29:41,970 --> 00:29:43,210 We have our decision. 662 00:29:44,250 --> 00:29:45,740 You chose one thing. 663 00:29:46,650 --> 00:29:48,220 We want to dance with you. 664 00:29:49,170 --> 00:29:50,296 You want to dance? 665 00:29:50,370 --> 00:29:52,532 One dance, all of us together. 666 00:29:54,490 --> 00:29:55,730 This is what you want? 667 00:29:55,810 --> 00:29:57,300 Yeah. Absolutely. 668 00:29:59,530 --> 00:30:02,295 Better get some decent speakers up here then, 669 00:30:02,410 --> 00:30:03,616 'cause we're going to do this right. 670 00:30:03,690 --> 00:30:06,455 Yes! 671 00:30:09,890 --> 00:30:11,699 Hey, you wanted to see me? 672 00:30:11,770 --> 00:30:12,851 Door. Chair. 673 00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:16,930 It's about Phillip. 674 00:30:17,050 --> 00:30:18,495 I'm sorry he's here today, but I had this... 675 00:30:18,610 --> 00:30:20,100 I beheve 676 00:30:20,170 --> 00:30:22,696 that that boy may be a Schrute, 677 00:30:22,770 --> 00:30:24,499 and if he is, 678 00:30:24,570 --> 00:30:27,733 that child needs to be accorded what is his, 679 00:30:27,850 --> 00:30:30,535 an enormous farm, an inheritance, 680 00:30:30,610 --> 00:30:34,171 and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. 681 00:30:35,530 --> 00:30:39,580 You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal. 682 00:30:42,330 --> 00:30:43,900 How thoughtful. 683 00:30:43,970 --> 00:30:46,371 Then the two of you would move to my 1,600 acre estate, 684 00:30:46,450 --> 00:30:48,134 which let's face it, is a big step up 685 00:30:48,290 --> 00:30:50,019 from living in a gay man's closet. 686 00:30:51,010 --> 00:30:53,411 If he is your son 687 00:30:54,850 --> 00:30:56,261 that's a great plan. 688 00:30:57,690 --> 00:31:01,217 But he's not. He's not your son. 689 00:31:03,650 --> 00:31:04,776 Very well. 690 00:31:06,210 --> 00:31:07,575 Can I go back to my desk now? 691 00:31:07,690 --> 00:31:08,896 Yes. 692 00:31:20,810 --> 00:31:22,221 What's this? 693 00:31:22,290 --> 00:31:24,941 Well, I've been trying to tell you how I feel, 694 00:31:25,050 --> 00:31:27,735 and you wouldn't believe me, so, 695 00:31:29,490 --> 00:31:30,730 I needed a little help. 696 00:31:31,770 --> 00:31:34,819 Jim. I need my Assistant to the Regional Manager. Code red. 697 00:31:34,890 --> 00:31:37,541 Okay, I don't have my pocket code chart on me right now, so... 698 00:31:37,890 --> 00:31:39,415 Now! 699 00:31:40,650 --> 00:31:43,256 I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. 700 00:31:43,330 --> 00:31:45,014 He is lazy, so crack the whip. 701 00:31:45,090 --> 00:31:47,900 Jim, I'm not kidding, I need you. 702 00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:53,855 Go ahead. 703 00:31:53,930 --> 00:31:55,136 Okay. Um... 704 00:31:56,290 --> 00:31:57,860 This is... 705 00:31:57,930 --> 00:31:59,659 I'll be right back. 706 00:32:04,290 --> 00:32:05,530 What have we got? 707 00:32:05,610 --> 00:32:08,181 I was thinking of proposing to Esther today. 708 00:32:08,250 --> 00:32:10,537 Wow! Okay, congratulations. 709 00:32:10,610 --> 00:32:11,771 That's a really big step, man. 710 00:32:11,890 --> 00:32:13,051 She's got a ton of great qualities. 711 00:32:13,130 --> 00:32:16,771 She's young, she's beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. 712 00:32:17,770 --> 00:32:20,376 Her family admires me, and my family tolerates hers. 713 00:32:20,450 --> 00:32:22,976 A lot of them are the same people, because we're third cousins, 714 00:32:23,090 --> 00:32:25,855 which is great for bloodlines, and isn't technically incest. 715 00:32:25,970 --> 00:32:28,257 Right in the sweet spot. I think you're going to be really happy. 716 00:32:28,330 --> 00:32:31,061 Plus, her dowry contains a walk-in freezer 717 00:32:31,170 --> 00:32:33,901 full of frozen premium cattle sperm. 718 00:32:33,970 --> 00:32:35,620 That's a lot of pros. 719 00:32:35,770 --> 00:32:36,931 And did I mention that she weaves? 720 00:32:37,010 --> 00:32:39,741 Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up. 721 00:32:39,810 --> 00:32:41,812 So what is the problem? 722 00:32:46,010 --> 00:32:47,694 Angela. 723 00:33:13,170 --> 00:33:15,491 I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. 724 00:33:17,770 --> 00:33:19,852 All I know is 725 00:33:19,970 --> 00:33:23,019 that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, 726 00:33:23,930 --> 00:33:28,299 there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern, 727 00:33:28,370 --> 00:33:30,850 one thing that will make you give up on 728 00:33:31,010 --> 00:33:33,490 everything you thought you knew. 729 00:33:33,570 --> 00:33:39,100 Every instinct, every rational calculation. 730 00:33:39,210 --> 00:33:41,053 Some sort of virus? 731 00:33:41,170 --> 00:33:43,013 Love. 732 00:33:43,850 --> 00:33:44,976 Oh. 733 00:34:44,890 --> 00:34:46,301 I'm in love with you. 734 00:34:46,770 --> 00:34:47,931 What? 735 00:35:03,770 --> 00:35:06,171 Dwight, listen, no matter what happens... 736 00:35:08,650 --> 00:35:10,493 you've got to forget about all the other stuff. 737 00:35:10,570 --> 00:35:15,576 You've got to forget about logic and fear and doubt. 738 00:35:15,650 --> 00:35:18,176 You've just got to do everything you can 739 00:35:18,970 --> 00:35:22,338 to get to the one woman who's going to make all this worth it. 740 00:35:22,410 --> 00:35:24,094 At the end of the day, 741 00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:26,855 you've got to jump. 742 00:35:30,890 --> 00:35:32,380 You love Angela, Dwight. 743 00:35:35,210 --> 00:35:36,496 I think you always have. 744 00:35:41,450 --> 00:35:43,498 You're a good assistant, Jim. 745 00:35:43,570 --> 00:35:45,493 Not as good as you. 746 00:35:46,770 --> 00:35:48,420 That's very true. 747 00:35:50,290 --> 00:35:51,257 Get the hell out of here. 748 00:35:51,330 --> 00:35:52,456 You got it. 749 00:35:53,450 --> 00:35:56,533 I was just checking out my present. 750 00:35:57,650 --> 00:36:01,621 This is an amazing gift, because it comes with bonus gifts. 751 00:36:01,690 --> 00:36:03,260 Look inside. 752 00:36:08,330 --> 00:36:12,858 Oh, my God! The yearbook picture. 753 00:36:12,930 --> 00:36:14,420 Yes. Incredible. 754 00:36:14,530 --> 00:36:15,895 Is this the bottle timer? 755 00:36:16,010 --> 00:36:17,933 I didn't think you were going to get that one. I really didn't. 756 00:36:18,010 --> 00:36:20,217 Oh, no! This is like the best present ever. 757 00:36:20,330 --> 00:36:22,014 Well... Okay, wait. 758 00:36:22,090 --> 00:36:23,455 What is this? 759 00:36:23,530 --> 00:36:25,737 The mini-golf pencil you threw at me. 760 00:36:25,810 --> 00:36:28,973 Like three years ago? You saved this? 761 00:36:30,370 --> 00:36:32,657 Oh, my God. 762 00:36:39,210 --> 00:36:41,019 You watched it. 763 00:36:41,090 --> 00:36:42,694 Yeah. 764 00:36:42,810 --> 00:36:45,461 Well, then I guess you're ready for this. 765 00:36:47,210 --> 00:36:48,416 What's that? 766 00:36:48,530 --> 00:36:49,861 It's from the teapot. 767 00:36:51,890 --> 00:36:55,611 Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. 768 00:37:11,690 --> 00:37:13,658 Not enough for me? 769 00:37:13,730 --> 00:37:16,734 You are everything. 770 00:37:23,530 --> 00:37:25,180 Thank you. 771 00:37:28,570 --> 00:37:30,174 Okay, ready, everybody? 772 00:37:30,250 --> 00:37:31,297 Hit it, Red! 773 00:38:49,250 --> 00:38:50,581 I wanted to leave quietly. 774 00:38:50,650 --> 00:38:52,414 It seemed dignified. 775 00:38:52,490 --> 00:38:54,538 But having Kevin grind up on my front 776 00:38:54,690 --> 00:38:56,772 while Erin pretends to hump me from behind 777 00:38:56,850 --> 00:38:59,820 is a more accurate tribute to my years here. 778 00:39:01,290 --> 00:39:02,655 I'm going to miss these guys. 779 00:39:03,330 --> 00:39:04,616 Okay, I've got my... 780 00:39:04,690 --> 00:39:06,499 See you guys at Poor Richard's, okay? All right, Meredith. 781 00:39:06,570 --> 00:39:07,571 All right. Okay, bye. 782 00:39:07,650 --> 00:39:08,697 See you there. Bye, Phillip. 783 00:39:08,770 --> 00:39:10,374 Listen, I... High five! 784 00:39:11,450 --> 00:39:13,020 Yeah. Yay! 785 00:39:13,090 --> 00:39:15,172 I am going to drop Phillip off at my mother's, 786 00:39:15,250 --> 00:39:16,979 and I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour. 787 00:39:17,090 --> 00:39:18,774 You sure you don't want me to drop him off? 788 00:39:18,850 --> 00:39:20,898 She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman. 789 00:39:21,010 --> 00:39:22,136 I don't want to get her hopes up. 790 00:39:22,210 --> 00:39:23,416 All right. Okay? 791 00:39:23,490 --> 00:39:25,333 Bye, buddy! Bye, bye. 792 00:39:25,410 --> 00:39:27,219 Oh, my goodness! 793 00:39:34,210 --> 00:39:35,735 Pull over! 794 00:39:35,810 --> 00:39:37,175 Dwight! 795 00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:39,298 Move to the side of the road! 796 00:39:39,370 --> 00:39:40,576 Why? 797 00:39:40,730 --> 00:39:41,891 Pull over! 798 00:39:42,010 --> 00:39:44,251 What are you... Dwight! 799 00:39:47,210 --> 00:39:50,054 Dwight! What the is your problem? 800 00:39:50,130 --> 00:39:52,098 Silence, woman! Listen to me! Who drives like that? 801 00:39:52,170 --> 00:39:53,137 I love you. 802 00:39:53,250 --> 00:39:55,821 And I don't care that Phillip is not my son! 803 00:39:55,890 --> 00:39:58,052 I will raise 100 children 804 00:39:58,170 --> 00:40:01,174 with 100 of your lovers if it means I can be with you! 805 00:40:02,770 --> 00:40:04,181 Can you put that down? 806 00:40:04,250 --> 00:40:07,379 This expresses how loudly I love you! 807 00:40:07,450 --> 00:40:08,611 It's too loud. 808 00:40:15,090 --> 00:40:16,899 This is a ring 809 00:40:16,970 --> 00:40:19,450 taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, 810 00:40:19,530 --> 00:40:23,421 put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, 811 00:40:23,530 --> 00:40:26,215 melted in a foundry run by Mennonites. 812 00:40:26,290 --> 00:40:28,452 Okay. Yes. I will! 813 00:40:33,010 --> 00:40:35,616 I love you! 814 00:40:37,530 --> 00:40:38,577 And I lied to you. 815 00:40:38,690 --> 00:40:39,771 What? 816 00:40:40,250 --> 00:40:41,695 Phillip's your son. 817 00:40:41,770 --> 00:40:43,260 What? Why would you say that... 818 00:40:43,330 --> 00:40:45,697 I just needed you to want to marry me 819 00:40:45,810 --> 00:40:48,211 because you wanted to marry me. 820 00:40:50,050 --> 00:40:52,018 Get out! 821 00:40:52,090 --> 00:40:53,933 I'm a dad! You're a dad! 822 00:41:01,170 --> 00:41:02,695 Hey, grab a seat. 823 00:41:02,770 --> 00:41:05,421 We have that table and that table, but not that table, 824 00:41:05,530 --> 00:41:07,294 or that table, or that table. 825 00:41:07,370 --> 00:41:10,499 Floor's up for grabs. Meredith's been hogging the can. 826 00:41:12,330 --> 00:41:13,616 Oh! 827 00:41:16,170 --> 00:41:17,820 You have to change the channel to PBS. 828 00:41:17,890 --> 00:41:19,380 Yeah. College baseball's on. 829 00:41:19,450 --> 00:41:20,576 Well, there's a documentary coming up. 830 00:41:20,690 --> 00:41:21,851 Everyone in the bar will love it! 831 00:41:21,930 --> 00:41:23,136 What's it about? 832 00:41:23,250 --> 00:41:24,456 A paper company. Oh, ho, ho! 833 00:41:25,610 --> 00:41:26,736 How many people want the game? 834 00:41:26,810 --> 00:41:28,175 Yeah! 835 00:41:29,210 --> 00:41:30,371 Who wants PBS? 836 00:41:32,850 --> 00:41:35,330 Sorry. Tie means I do nothing. 837 00:41:35,410 --> 00:41:36,616 Sir, please! 838 00:41:37,010 --> 00:41:39,775 This show is about me and my attempts 839 00:41:39,890 --> 00:41:42,700 to find love in all the wrong places. 840 00:41:44,010 --> 00:41:45,341 One more for the doc! 841 00:41:48,410 --> 00:41:49,650 All right, Andy! 842 00:41:49,730 --> 00:41:51,334 All right. Yes. 843 00:41:52,570 --> 00:41:53,901 Hey, how was the singing show audition? 844 00:41:53,970 --> 00:41:55,176 Oh... 845 00:41:55,690 --> 00:41:57,772 Whatever. No big deal. 846 00:41:58,690 --> 00:42:01,216 Okay, 30 seconds to show time! 847 00:42:05,010 --> 00:42:06,341 I feel scared a little. I'm not ready for this! 848 00:42:06,410 --> 00:42:08,731 No one is ready for this! You can't be ready for this! 849 00:42:08,810 --> 00:42:10,221 We don't even know what this is! 850 00:42:10,290 --> 00:42:14,090 One thing we do know. Nothing will ever be the same. 851 00:42:14,170 --> 00:42:16,059 Here we go. 852 00:42:18,570 --> 00:42:21,779 All right, Jim, your quarterlies look very good. 853 00:42:21,850 --> 00:42:23,295 How are things going at the library? 854 00:42:23,370 --> 00:42:25,213 Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it, so... 855 00:42:25,290 --> 00:42:28,817 So you've come to the master for guidance? 856 00:42:28,890 --> 00:42:30,699 Is this what you're saying, Grasshopper? 857 00:42:30,770 --> 00:42:32,977 Actually you called me in here. 858 00:42:33,050 --> 00:42:35,496 All right, well, let me show you how it's done. 859 00:42:36,395 --> 00:42:46,395 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today