I know what you're doing.
Another week, another wedding full of people you've slept with.
- That's rubbish. - Whole chapels of them.
Coachloads coming in from across the country.
- That's just not true. - It is true.
It's not. I… I barely know anyone here.
Then why do you keep looking at the door?
This is it!
Can you move a little bit? For goodness' sake, Euan.
God, my dress.
Can you let us out, please?
Child lock, sorry. This car's secondhand. I don't know how to turn them off.
There you go. Thank you.
Coming. Coming. Coming. Coming.
Oh, shit. Your little feather thing!
Your feather thing's been fluttering in the wind since Cherwell services.
- Can you just take it off? - No, I can't.
- It's stitched into my hair. - Okay. Perhaps if I just…
That's…
No. Stop. Right. Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. God.
Oh, shit. Where are we gonna sit? Psst!
Come here.
Tills! Oh, you look beautiful.
Oh, if not today, then when?
What's going on with Fiona's…
Don't worry about it. It got… Hey.
- Hi, Mr. Killick. - Oh, Leon, please.
Hey, everyone. This is the Rankeillor Street massive!
- Um, Raj and Euan used to live at… - Seventy-eight!
Yes! And Em and I were at 17. Nana, you were just across the street.
Oh, and this is Fiona, Raj's wife.
- I'm looking forward to your speech. - No, not a speech. It's just a toast.
It's just a toast.
- Okay, listen. Dex is here. - Okay.
He RSVP'd "Yes." I didn't think he'd show up, but he has, so he's here.
Fine. It's fine.
Right. Well, um, I would love to stay and chat,
but if you could all bugger off and take your seats now,
I'd quite like to get married.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
A writer?
Yeah, I suppose so. Technically.
Have you given up teaching? God, I'd love to give up teaching.
I've not given it up. I'm just not doing it right now.
I've got a tiny advance, so taking a sabbatical at the moment. Yeah.
Bloody fantastic. Well, you look great on it.
People keep saying that. Did I look terrible before?
Now you sound like your old self.
Raj, I cannot believe you came all this way.
Well, there's only one Tilly Killick.
Well, there's probably not now. 'Cause isn't she taking Graham's name?
- Oh. What you talking about? Me, I hope. - Oh.
Um, Tilly Killick or Tilly Gibson?
Oh, Tilly Killick.
And Graham Killick. He's taking my last name, aren't you?
She got her man.
She did.
Yeah, just to piss off the parents.
Oh, auntie.
Bye.
Oh my God. Is that Dexter Mayhew?
Why is he still so handsome?
If there was any justice in this world, he'd be bald and minging.
I had a thing with him once.
I can't believe you're still dining out on this.
- Wait, what? When? - Remember when your mom stayed over?
Here we go. In the bathroom then.
Oh my God. Was there anyone he didn't shag?
You really do seem to know no one.
I thought you and Tilly were old university friends.
We are.
I mean, we're, you know, more friends of friends, really.
Dexter.
Ah. Cal. Wow, long time.
This is Sylvie.
Uh, Louisa.
- Were you at Edinburgh? - Met at Freshers' Week, didn't we?
We always used to knock around together in London,
until your man here went quiet on me.
Did I? Yeah.
Well, you know, you could've… could've phoned me too.
I did, eejit. You never returned my calls.
Didn't I?
Sorry. Sorry.
Uh, I had…
I had things on my mind.
It's a long time ago now. Yeah.
So how did you two meet?
- Uh… - Did you see that Emma Morley's here?
Uh, yeah.
- I heard you two fell out. - We did.
But you're all right now?
Um, I'm… I'm not sure. We'll see.
Did you two ever, uh…
Nearly, once or twice.
Nearly? What does that mean?
Louisa, she seems nice.
Yeah, I wouldn't get too attached. She's on the way out.
But life's good, yeah?
Dex, I'm 32.
I've got my own house, my own business.
I work hard at something I enjoy, and I… I make enough money.
I'd say life is good.
What about you, eh? I haven't seen you much on TV these days.
Um, that's because you don't watch cable and satellite.
I do a lot of work on cable and satellite.
Mm.
Hi.
That's him.
And let's do the thing that we do before we go.
- One. - Two.
Sandwiches. That's the future.
High-quality, ethically-minded convenience food.
That's where it's at, my friend. Food is the new rock and roll.
I thought comedy was.
Well, then it was rock and roll again. And now it's food. Keep up, Dex.
Everything we sell is organic.
We've got four branches, and they're full all the time.
I tell you, the food culture in this country is changing.
Seriously. You should come and have a talk to me about it sometime.
I think there could be a lot of opportunities for you.
Cal, are you… are you offering me a job?
Hey, why not? A little apron.
No, I'm just saying, come in and just…
Can't believe a friend of mine is offering me a job.
Come and have lunch. My treat.
Sounds delightful.
Yes, Dexter Mayhew will attend.
Ah.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
Do I know you from somewhere?
I don't think so.
Though I suppose distantly your face does ring a bell.
- You look different. - People keep telling me that.
- Is that a "Rachel"? - Christ, I hope not.
A lovely day.
Mm.
I didn't have Tilly pegged as a traditional wedding person.
I'm not sure coming down the aisle to a club anthem
can be described as traditional, but…
- Mm, true. - Homage to Graham.
Graham. "Acid House Graham."
Yeah. I can't believe he lasted the course.
Mm.
Um… I'd better go. I'm, uh… I'm under strict instructions.
That's Sylvie.
Sylvie?
- Will you come and say hi? - Oh yeah, later. Absolutely.
I just wanna have a look at my speech.
You're making a speech?
Not really. It's just a toast.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Please can you make your way to your seats? Dinner is served.
Okay, then. Well…
Maybe we'll be sitting next to each other at the reception.
Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
Hey. Have you spoken to Dex?
- Briefly. - How was it?
Yeah, fine.
His girlfriend is disgustingly beautiful.
- Disgustingly. - God.
Look at that neck. I just want to snap it like a chicken's.
I don't know why. She's actually quite nice.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Speech!
It's one of the great cosmic mysteries.
How it is that someone can go from being a total stranger
to being the most important person in your life.
No, Graham. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about me.
Yeah. I'm talking about Tilly and me. Um…
Cast your minds back 11 and a half years.
Edinburgh. First term of first year.
Four in the morning, and I'm woken by frantic banging on the door.
I get up, afraid, open it,
and on the other side is a girl telling me quite unapologetically
that she's dying for sweet corn and could she borrow my tin opener.
Yeah. "Weirdo," I thought. "Definitely avoid."
But it was too late.
'Cause from the moment that that stranger rocked up with her can of sweet corn,
I stopped worrying about stupid stuff,
like not having gone to the right school,
or not being the Edinburgh type.
And instead, I just had four of the funniest,
happiest years of my life.
And so it was with Graham and Tilly.
One minute she's telling me about this odd guy
that she's met at this sparsely attended nightclub in Wandsworth,
who is not even remotely her type.
And why did she give him her phone number?
And the next…
Well, here we are,
at what must be the finest "Grantham meets Grenada" mash-up the world has ever seen.
One of the writers we studied in Edinburgh was Dickens,
who we didn't really get that much, did we? Um…
Apart from this one bit, uh, from Great Expectations, which says,
"Imagine one selected day struck out of your life,
and think how different its course would have been."
"Think for a moment
of the long chain of iron or gold,
of thorns or flowers,
that would never have bound you,
but for the formation of the first link on that memorable day."
Graham.
I am so glad that that apparently inauspicious night in Wandsworth
turned out to be the first link in your golden chain with Tilly.
Because you've made an already cheerful person
happier than you could ever imagine.
And, Tills,
I adore you,
but any chance I can have my tin opener back now, please?
To Tilly and Graham!
Tilly and Graham!
She seems fantastic.
Hurry up and introduce us.
Is that you off, then?
- I thought you were leaving. - Oh my God, no.
I just went to change my shoes.
Great speech.
Thanks.
Em, can we go somewhere, just me and you?
Um…
Just for a chat.
Okay. Uh, yeah. Where do you want to go?
Well, apparently, there's a maze.
A maze?
Yeah.
Uh…
Well, why didn't you say?
What if we get lost?
I think that's sort of the idea.
Where's Sylvie?
She's okay. She's being "Callumed."
Ah.
He's doing very well, you know.
So everyone tells me.
- Especially him. - Hmm?
Yeah, he just offered me a job.
What about Sport Extreme?
- Oh God. Have you seen it? - I never miss an episode.
You know me. There's nothing I like more in the early morning than a bit of BMX.
My favorite bit is when you say things are rad.
- They make me say that. - "Rad" and "sweet."
"Check out these sweet old-school moves."
- I think I get away with it. - Well, not always.
- Left or right? - Mm, left, I think.
What about you? What about me?
What about you?
Let's see. You've written a book. Got a massive advance.
- You've given up teaching. - Hang on. Hang on. Who told you that?
- Well, Tilly, obviously. - Ah.
Which part's inaccurate?
Well, it's not a massive advance.
But it's enough not to work for a bit till I finish the book.
What's it about?
I don't know yet. It's still kind of taking shape.
It's about me, isn't it?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
It's entirely about you.
Working title, "Dexter, Dexter, Dexter, Dexter."
And that's just volume one.
Well, you look really good on it.
Do I?
Absolutely.
Thanks. Do you want me to say that you look better too?
Only if you can pull it off.
Well, you do.
Left?
Left.
Better than you did during the rock and roll years,
when you were giving it large, or whatever it is that you were doing.
I was worried about you.
Were you?
Yeah.
It wasn't so much the drinking and drugs. It was more the flat cap.
Fuck off.
Shall we sit for a bit?
Yeah.
From Callum's girlfriend. Want one?
No, thanks. I haven't touched them in years.
Well done, you.
Yeah, I stopped too.
Officially.
So, how are you these days?
Yeah.
Different.
A lot more sensible than the last time you saw me.
Just had to get something out of my system.
And is it out?
I think so.
You know, if you're 22 and fucking up,
you can say, "It's okay."
"I'm only 22."
"I'm only 25."
"I'm only 28."
But
32…
I screwed up my career and screwed up with my mom.
- No, you didn't. - I screwed up my friendships.
But then I met Sylvie.
Yeah.
It's just such a shame she's so unattractive.
Better yet, she takes no prisoners.
Um, I'm off the drugs. I'm off the booze.
Not smoking.
Special occasion.
So true love found you in the end.
Something like that.
I heard it was curtains for Ian.
- Anyone else on the horizon? - Oh, don't you start.
What?
Anyway.
I can actually go about saying I'm a writer now.
I don't, obviously, because that would be really sad. But I could.
Only downside is everyone thinks you're good for a wedding speech.
I mean, for today, I wrote my own, Graham's, and the best man's.
Well, I promise not to ask for that.
Though maybe you can read what I write.
Give it a polish.
I'm engaged.
De…
Dexter, that's… that's amazing.
Congratulations.
Oh.
Oops.
Um…
So you're… you're… you're pleased?
Pleased? I'm destroyed.
No. No. But seriously, that is fantastic news.
No, it's more than fantastic. It's rad and sweet. It's old-school.
Well, I wanted to tell you in person.
And
give you
this.
Wow.
Now, that is a wedding invitation.
- Is it scented? - It's lavender, apparently.
No, that's not lavender. That's, um…
Yeah, that's, um… that's money.
Yeah, that is the smell of money.
Yeah. It's eight quid a pop, which is obscene, I know, but…
…Sylvie loves 'em.
"Mr. And Mrs. Lionel Cope
invite you to the marriage of their daughter,
Sylvie Abigail Elizabeth Penelope."
"Sylvie Abigail Elizabeth Penelope."
Sounds like a ballet class. "To…"
"To…"
To plain old Dexter Mayhew.
Ah.
I can't believe I'm actually seeing this in print.
"Saturday, 13th September."
- That's in, like… - Seven weeks.
It's not too long.
It's what they call a shotgun wedding.
Oh my… Oh my God.
- Yeah. - You're gonna be a dad?
Fuck me, Dex. Space the bombshells out.
Hang on. You're getting married, and you're having a baby.
Dex, you're having a baby.
- I know. - Is that allowed? Will they even let you?
Apparently.
Look.
- There she is. - Oh.
Or he.
That's the spine.
Yeah, great spine.
- Hmm. - Oh, really good spine.
But you think it's a good thing?
Yes, of course it is.
Man, I turn my back for one minute, and…
Oh God.
Don't sound drunk.
Hello, darling. Where are you?
Uh, truth be told, I'm lost.
Well, how could you possibly be lost? Where are you?
I'm in a maze.
Yeah, I know.
It's a-maz-ing!
Dexter, everyone's on the dance floor, and I'm stuck with that deadly cousin.
Can you just get unlost and come back now?
- Yes, of course. - Who are you with?
Uh, um, there's a whole gang of us.
You know, Edinburgh posse.
Right. Callum's back now. It's fine. Hurry up.
Bollocks. Uh… 'Kay. We've gotta get out of here.
Apparently, if you put one hand on the wall,
you'll find your way out eventually.
- Okay, let's do that. - So, um…
Oh…
Shit.
- Uh, this way. - Okay.
Music's getting louder. Means we must be getting closer to the exit.
Can I just say something?
Uh, of course.
I'm a bit drunk now, but I'm just gonna say it.
Okay.
I've missed you.
- I've… I've missed you too. - No, but…
I've missed you so, so much.
There've been so many things I've wanted to talk about,
but you weren't there.
And
sometimes… I've really regretted just walking off like that.
I don't blame you.
- I was… - Awful?
Yeah. Yeah, you were.
And selfish and cruel and boring. So bloody boring.
Okay. Thanks.
You know, I could have stuck it out.
Because it was your mom.
It was… It was losing your mom.
It's okay. I mean, you… you said nothing wrong.
God, this is ridiculous. I've drunk too much.
- Your bad influence, as usual. - Come here.
I'll tell you what it is. I…
Every single day that I didn't see you, I thought about you.
- In some way or another. - So did I.
You know, I thought, "I wish Dex could see this."
Or "Dex would find this funny."
Or "What a wanker!"
And then seeing you today, I thought maybe I'd got you back.
My best friend.
But all of this, with the wedding and the baby.
I am so happy for you, Dex.
I really am, but…
But I kind of feel like I've lost you all over again.
You know what happens when you have a family. Your priorities change,
and you lose touch with people, and…
- Not necessarily. - No, it happens.
It happens all the time.
You'll have new friends.
Couples you met at antenatal classes.
Or be too tired 'cause you've been up all night.
No. We're gonna have one of those babies that takes care of themselves.
You just leave them in a room, apparently. A little gas stove, some bottled water.
It won't be like that.
Okay?
I promise.
Do you?
Absolutely.
- What time is it? - It's, um…
It's, uh… It's nearly midnight.
We should go. We're nearly there.
- Em? - Yeah, Dex?
Friends again?
Yeah. Friends.
Now, let's go. I wanna meet your fiancée.