1 00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:02,877 They wanna make a movie of our podcast? 2 00:00:02,961 --> 00:00:03,962 Paramount? 3 00:00:04,045 --> 00:00:05,839 They wanna fly us all out to LA 4 00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:07,048 for some meeting next week. 5 00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:09,300 I'm Eva Longoria. I'm Eugene Levy? 6 00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:11,469 I'm… Oliver, this is Zach Galifi… 7 00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:13,763 Oh, yes! Zach Galifragilistic. 8 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,098 I'm out. I'm done. 9 00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:18,768 Are we sure that the killer was after Ben, and not you, Charles? 10 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:19,853 What? 11 00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:21,438 I've been gettin' some vibes. 12 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,231 I also have my ham radio, 13 00:00:23,314 --> 00:00:26,693 and there's chatter of people wishing it was you instead of Ben. 14 00:00:26,776 --> 00:00:29,112 It's been a week, and Sazz's Bulgarian left shoulder 15 00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:30,780 and knee are still in that incinerator. 16 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,323 Hello, Charles. 17 00:00:33,491 --> 00:00:35,035 I broke out because I'm worried about Sazz. 18 00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:37,495 She said she thought someone had eyes on you. 19 00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,372 She was looking into someone who lives here? 20 00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:42,167 She said she thought there might be another murderer in the building. 21 00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:43,376 The Westies. 22 00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,962 We've met everybody except for Christmas Guy 23 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,715 and whoever's in that place with the lockbox on it? 24 00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:50,383 Oh, um, that's the Dudenoff place. 25 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,343 Dudenoff? 26 00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:53,678 Oh, goody. It works. 27 00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:56,848 This must be the sniper's nest. 28 00:00:56,931 --> 00:00:59,225 - A ham radio. - Is this tinsel? 29 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:01,978 Oliver! He's so cute. 30 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,730 Oh! The pig's loose! 31 00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:05,940 We worked together almost 40 years. 32 00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:08,610 We'd come to the most dangerous part of the scene. 33 00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:10,945 Did she write a message with her blood? 34 00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:12,155 And then Sazz would say… 35 00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:13,573 - Tap in. - …"Tap in." 36 00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:15,450 Charles, do you know what that means? 37 00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:17,827 Yes. I do. 38 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:35,303 I once had an acting teacher who said, 39 00:01:35,386 --> 00:01:39,349 "Finding your character is a lot like a detective finding a killer." 40 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:44,562 His thinking went you build this character piece by piece. 41 00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:46,064 What are their physical qualities? 42 00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:50,568 Their skills or special talents? 43 00:01:53,404 --> 00:01:54,989 Their motivations? 44 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:13,299 You keep doing that, asking and answering a million questions, 45 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:16,094 until there's only one person 46 00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:19,180 in the whole world who fits that description. 47 00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,601 Your character. 48 00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:27,313 Anyway, that's obviously bullshit. 49 00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:30,775 As a proud Greek man, presumably descended from Thespis himself, 50 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,695 trust me when I say 51 00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:35,780 acting is easy. 52 00:02:41,619 --> 00:02:42,996 Close the door. 53 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:45,999 Alright, so I'm gonna say this really quick 54 00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:48,126 'cause I'm not supposed to be here. It's not even public yet. 55 00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:50,545 And I really need you guys to know that at the end of the day… 56 00:02:50,628 --> 00:02:53,882 Wait, wait, wait, wait! Detective, are you helping us right now? 57 00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:54,966 Come on, cut that shit out! 58 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:56,551 Just stay focused. I'm trying to talk to you. 59 00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:58,678 Do you like us? She totally likes us. 60 00:02:58,761 --> 00:03:00,305 If she ever did, she doesn't now. 61 00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:03,349 Thank you, Mora. The feds are now on the case. 62 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:06,394 They don't want me involved, that's fine. But the least I can do 63 00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:08,813 is feed you idiots some useful information. So… 64 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,148 - She likes us. - She totally likes us. 65 00:03:10,231 --> 00:03:12,192 Can I just talk, please? 66 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:14,694 I wanna do a little cop monologue right now, okay? 67 00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:16,946 Let's all just pretend we're on Law & Order, 68 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,240 and I'm Olivia Benson. Can I have my moment? 69 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,618 - Yes, absolutely. - Of course. Or Aristotle Brazzos. 70 00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:23,578 I… I don't… I don't know what that is. 71 00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:25,914 So, 72 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,416 the feds think that Jan has something to do with this. 73 00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:31,711 Now, of course, she hadn't escaped yet, but they're thinking she hired someone, 74 00:03:31,794 --> 00:03:34,088 and they're suspecting that she's gone to Florida 75 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,883 because there's a shit ton of orchestras and sex toy shops. 76 00:03:36,966 --> 00:03:39,552 The shooter, very good. 77 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,930 A single.300 Win Mag casing was found 78 00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:44,307 in the West Tower in apartment 14F, 79 00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,976 belonging to a tenant by the name of M. Dudenoff, 80 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,061 retired professor, 81 00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:50,021 who the neighbors are conveniently saying 82 00:03:50,104 --> 00:03:52,148 he's not in town. He's in Portugal. 83 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,483 Well, that's suspicious. 84 00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:56,736 Exactly. That's what I said, Mora. That's really fucking suspicious 85 00:03:56,819 --> 00:03:59,614 'cause who in the absolute fuck would wanna go to Portugal 86 00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:01,908 when you got Spain? Right? 87 00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:03,284 I digress. 88 00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:05,912 Neighbors are busy playing card games when they hear the gunshot, 89 00:04:05,995 --> 00:04:09,082 except for one tenant. 90 00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:10,959 Rudy Thurber. 91 00:04:11,042 --> 00:04:13,294 He's like some Christmas freak or something. 92 00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:14,921 You know the types who are like, "Oh, my God, 93 00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:17,757 it's 364 sleeps until Christmas." That kinda guy. 94 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,300 What is key to note, 95 00:04:19,384 --> 00:04:21,803 Sazz's phone has been turned off, 96 00:04:21,886 --> 00:04:24,639 but we are reviewing the CCTV in that area. 97 00:04:24,722 --> 00:04:27,267 Alright, that's my whole thing. So now, 98 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:30,436 please feel free to ask what other questions you have. 99 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:34,190 You really don't know Aristotle Brazzos? 100 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,067 I just did all of that, and that's all you got? 101 00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:39,320 Well, i-it doesn't matter. The feds… feds have it wrong. 102 00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:41,489 Jan didn't kill Sazz. You have to trust me on that. 103 00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:43,658 I do. I just… 104 00:04:43,741 --> 00:04:46,452 I don't know if Sazz was the target. 105 00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:50,331 W-Well, be honest. Do you think someone over there 106 00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,667 could hate me enough to try and kill me? 107 00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:54,168 Don't make her answer that. 108 00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:57,797 Look, if this is the part where you tell us not to investigate, 109 00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,632 you're wasting your time. 110 00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:02,593 Yeah, I know. After three seasons, I got that. 111 00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:05,471 Well, even if I was the target, 112 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,391 I still have to solve this for Sazz. 113 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:09,684 I'm tapping in. 114 00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:11,644 What are you even talking about? 115 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:13,730 This is serious shit here now! Focus… 116 00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:15,523 Oh, my God! 117 00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:17,275 Well… 118 00:05:17,358 --> 00:05:20,486 I guess this sends the investigation into a… 119 00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:22,697 whole new direction. 120 00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:27,410 That's Aristotle Brazzos. From Brazzos. The show I was on. 121 00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:24,342 Well, hello, Hollywood A-listers! 122 00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:28,221 What are you doing here? I promise I won't leak it to the trades. 123 00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:30,390 We celebrities value our privacy. 124 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:33,393 The Brothers Sisters thought it'd be a good idea if we followed you for a day. 125 00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:35,144 You know, do a character study. 126 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,230 I did the same thing on Boss Baby 2. 127 00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:39,315 I shadowed a baby. Yeah. 128 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,900 And we still text every day. 129 00:06:40,983 --> 00:06:42,110 Oh, I love it. 130 00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,321 Zach! You want to come learn more about Oliver Putnam? 131 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,948 Study at the foot of the master? 132 00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:49,867 That's right. So much to learn. 133 00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:53,454 Definitely didn't take this job just thinking it would be easy money. 134 00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:56,332 Now, personally, I was pushing for one more day, 135 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,085 just a little more time to take a deep dive 136 00:06:59,168 --> 00:07:01,754 into this complex man. 137 00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:04,549 Eugene, you realize you're playing Charles, right? 138 00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:06,384 Hey, twin. 139 00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:08,428 I've been practicing my Mabel. 140 00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:11,597 Uh, look, n-now's not a good time. 141 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:12,974 There's been another murder. 142 00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:15,726 Yay! Oh! 143 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:18,563 Forget the character study. We're gonna solve a murder today? 144 00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:20,731 Oh, I'm gonna get us some snacks. Not you. 145 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,734 Galifianakis? 146 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:25,903 That scrumptious fuckable baklava 147 00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:28,448 is portraying you in a movie? 148 00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:31,242 Oh no, that is all wrong. That's so messed up! 149 00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:34,996 I didn't realize you were on a Mediterranean diet, Detective. 150 00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:37,290 - Would you like me to make an intro? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 151 00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:38,875 I'm not ready, I'm not ready. But, 152 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:42,128 if anything happens to that delicious little man, 153 00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:43,421 I'll kill you myself. 154 00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,381 Don't fuck with my sex pass. 155 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,258 Obviously, the actors can't stay. 156 00:07:47,341 --> 00:07:49,677 No! This is a murder investigation, 157 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,805 not some acting exercise for Eva Longoria. 158 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:56,058 - Charles is still in danger. - Yeah, bu… just hear me out. 159 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:58,936 You get one shot at a biopic. 160 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,939 Maybe two if you're someone special like Marilyn Monroe 161 00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:03,399 or Jeffrey Dahmer, 162 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:06,944 and the first 24 hours of character study are the most crucial. 163 00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:10,823 I need Zach Galifianakis to fall in love with his character today. 164 00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:15,453 Okay, well you've been outvoted. 165 00:08:15,536 --> 00:08:17,788 Charles, you get it. You were an actor once. 166 00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:20,333 Don't you want Eugene Levy to learn the real you? 167 00:08:20,416 --> 00:08:23,085 Me? The unlikeable guy that everyone wants to kill? 168 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,379 No, thanks. And my ego isn't so delicate 169 00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:27,590 that I need random validation 170 00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,967 from a… Emmy award-winning actor. 171 00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,469 Charles? 172 00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:33,429 The History of Wood? 173 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,890 Looks and brains? 174 00:08:35,973 --> 00:08:38,976 Eugene, you have big shoes to fill. 175 00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:41,979 You know, 176 00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:45,566 maybe the actors could be helpful. Yes! 177 00:08:46,984 --> 00:08:47,985 What? 178 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:55,785 We stare at boxes, 179 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,664 wondering what it must feel like to have an apartment of our own. 180 00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:02,792 A feeling of permanence for once in our life. 181 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,835 What? No. 182 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,504 And stop saying "we." Hmm. 183 00:09:06,587 --> 00:09:08,214 That's where the shot was fired, 184 00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:10,883 and anyone on that floor could've used the code to get in. 185 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,593 Mm… 186 00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,429 I'm sorry, are you drinking at 10 in the morning? 187 00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,098 Yeah, I'm getting into character. 188 00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:19,016 I don't drink at 10 in the morning. 189 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,018 No, my Mabel does. 190 00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:23,521 She's a tableau of vices. Alright. 191 00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:26,816 Williams said the bullet was a Winchester.300 Magnum. 192 00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:30,861 Developed in the '60s, it remains the most popular cartridge among hunters. 193 00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:32,697 I learned that on Brazzos. 194 00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:35,491 I know, I know. Episode 403, 195 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,285 A Lady and Her Luger. 196 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:40,288 So, our killer is a hunter. 197 00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:44,959 Little did they know that the hunter 198 00:09:45,042 --> 00:09:48,087 was about to become the hunted. 199 00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:51,465 Zach, are you getting this? Oh yeah. 200 00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:53,342 Say a hacky joke every couple of minutes, 201 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,970 something, something, Zsa Zsa Gabor. 202 00:09:56,053 --> 00:09:59,640 - Lotta nuance. - Y-You certainly have my wit. 203 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:03,686 How could anyone hate this American icon enough to wanna try and kill him? 204 00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,354 It boggles the mind. 205 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,940 Oh, it's really quite simple. If you ever saw him consume 206 00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:10,693 a plate of peel-and-eat shrimp, you'd get it. 207 00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:14,447 A bullet that size would have a bit of kick. 208 00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:17,908 So, is that eye patch covering antibiotic-resistant pink eye 209 00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:21,871 or a bruise from the recoil of a gun? 210 00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:24,373 Okay, well, I've heard enough. 211 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,834 We have our killer! 212 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,962 My Mabel's confident. 213 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:33,716 Okay, uh, please don't ever touch my murder board. 214 00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:37,595 We met Vince. There's no way he's strong enough to carry Sazz's body. 215 00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:39,388 Rudy Thurber, on the other hand, 216 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:42,350 "Christmas All the Time Guy," he's pretty jacked. 217 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:44,727 Mm-hmm, I've heard enough. 218 00:10:45,561 --> 00:10:47,772 We have our killer. 219 00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,982 My Mabel can admit when she's wrong. 220 00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:53,361 Charles, does this man have any reason to hate you? 221 00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:54,528 No! 222 00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:56,697 Well, maybe the Christmas tree thing. 223 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,410 I got everyone to sign a petition banning real Christmas trees. 224 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,871 They're a fire hazard. 225 00:11:03,954 --> 00:11:05,289 They are that. 226 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,208 But who would kill someone over something like that? 227 00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:10,294 Someone whose whole identity is loving Christmas. 228 00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,546 Okay, but he was out of town the night Sazz was killed. 229 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:15,132 Or was he? We found this 230 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:16,926 by the window at Dudenoff's. 231 00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:19,428 It kind of looks like Christmas tinsel. 232 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:22,014 That could place Rudy here that night after all. 233 00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:24,600 Yes! Yes. 234 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,812 - Killer! - Again with the touching. 235 00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:31,399 "Ooh! Looks like Rudy the Red Hot Reindeer has been caught red-handed!" 236 00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,025 Something, something, Bea Arthur. 237 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,278 I still vote Vince Fish. 238 00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:43,327 Why choose? We can divide and conquer. 239 00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:45,705 Uh, you and Eugene go and see Vince, 240 00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:48,499 and Mabel and Eva visit Rudy. 241 00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:50,626 Alright! I'm gonna go fire my agent and visit my kids. 242 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,920 Thanks, everybody! No! I mean… 243 00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:57,508 No. Y-You and I have something very important to do back at my apartment. 244 00:11:57,591 --> 00:11:58,676 Um… 245 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:02,847 Uh, monitor this ham radio that we got from Dudenoff's. 246 00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:05,182 And… 247 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:08,436 should you fall in love with me because of my relentless charm assault, 248 00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:11,981 then that's okay, too. Let's… 249 00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:23,075 Pink eye? Or the bruise from the recoil of a gun? 250 00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,995 How to get an eye patch off? 251 00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:29,331 How to get an eye patch off? 252 00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:32,209 I got it. 253 00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:33,794 I got it. 254 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,882 You ask for a glass of water. I tell a great joke. 255 00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:40,634 You do a spit take. You spray water all over his face. 256 00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:42,553 And then, when he's… when he's drying his face, 257 00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:45,264 he's forced to remove the eye patch. 258 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,185 That's one of the stupidest things I've ever come out with. 259 00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,729 I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Charles. I'm… 260 00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:53,773 still a little nervous. 261 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,191 I'm nervous playing you. 262 00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:57,860 I get it. It's a challenge. 'Cause, you know, 263 00:12:57,943 --> 00:13:00,488 I've only played the dullest pencils in the drawer 264 00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:04,074 'cause I thought they were the funniest, but you're not funny. 265 00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:06,952 I mean, yeah, you do have a dull pencil quality about you, 266 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:09,413 but what you did with Brazzos… 267 00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:13,167 I mean, you know, th-th-the fearlessness, the complexity. 268 00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:15,669 I used to say to myself, "Am I watching a TV show, 269 00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:19,173 or am I watching a doctorate-level physics class?" 270 00:13:19,256 --> 00:13:21,717 Oh, stop! 271 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,511 Unless you had more to say. 272 00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,304 No, I think that was it. 273 00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:27,765 I'm nervous, you're fearless… 274 00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,350 No, that was it. 275 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,563 I got it. 276 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:37,358 I know how to get that eye patch off. 277 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,654 Hey, slow down, slow down! What's the plan? 278 00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:42,947 How do we approach Rudy? 279 00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:46,283 What do we do, tackle him? Accuse him? Watch him squirm? 280 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,327 I'd like to stay away from sexual manipulation. 281 00:13:48,410 --> 00:13:50,913 I mean, I'm not closed off to it because I'm good at it. But… 282 00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:54,875 Okay, "Mabel." I think there's been a misunderstanding here. 283 00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:57,503 Oh, hey, are we attached to "Mabel"? 284 00:13:57,586 --> 00:13:59,296 I'd say so. 285 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:02,591 It's just such an old person name, which we are not. 286 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:05,803 So, I think we can do better. What about, um… 287 00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:08,722 Mabél? 288 00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:11,767 Yes. Yes! It's giving elusive. 289 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,186 It's giving mysterious. It's giving, 290 00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:16,355 "Where are you from, and can I go there?" 291 00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:18,607 Bayport, Long Island, and no. 292 00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:23,028 Oliver and I found this tinsel in the sniper's nest. 293 00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:25,781 So I need to go to Rudy's and see if it matches 294 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,242 any of the tinsel there without tipping him off. 295 00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:31,829 What? We're just gonna go snoop on the Christmas freak? Ugh! 296 00:14:32,496 --> 00:14:34,999 God, we are young women of action. 297 00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:37,877 I say we go there and press his Christmas buttons 298 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,920 and provoke him until he confesses. 299 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,964 Or… he could kill us because, 300 00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:44,550 I don't know, he might be a killer. 301 00:14:45,217 --> 00:14:46,594 Do you wanna know about Mabel? 302 00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:47,970 Mm. 303 00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:49,889 Mabel works alone. 304 00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,266 Fine. 305 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,227 Mabél doesn't stay where she's not wanted. 306 00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:59,356 It's Mabel! 307 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,191 What? 308 00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:09,241 Zach? 309 00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:12,536 Um, I feel we got off on the wrong foot. 310 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,914 - Can we start over? - Yeah. 311 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:18,292 My ass is looking good… Look at that. 312 00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:21,253 I see you've mastered my morning mantra. 313 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,923 We Putnams are known for our dump trucks. 314 00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:26,967 No wonder they cast you. 315 00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:31,013 So, what I like to do is work from the outside in. 316 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:34,433 What would the character wear? How do their clothes make you feel? 317 00:15:34,516 --> 00:15:36,435 I'm more of an inside-out guy. 318 00:15:36,518 --> 00:15:39,146 I read the inside of the script, 319 00:15:39,229 --> 00:15:41,649 and then I say the words outside of my mouth. 320 00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:42,858 Ah. 321 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,902 - I see. Yeah. - Pretty easy. 322 00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:46,946 Weren't we supposed to be doing something with a ham radio? 323 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,114 Oh, no, any idiot can do that. 324 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:50,783 Hello? 325 00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:54,787 My ears are burning. 326 00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:56,372 Huh. 327 00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:58,207 So you're who they cast. 328 00:15:58,290 --> 00:15:59,833 Well, I can see why. I mean, 329 00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:02,086 where else would they have found bearded comic relief? 330 00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:05,881 Jealousy and yellow are not good colors on you. 331 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,257 Also, the pig? 332 00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:09,134 Was found wandering the halls, very depressed. 333 00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:11,470 But, we're gonna cheer you up and have a great day. 334 00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:13,472 Isn't that right, Natalie Porkman? 335 00:16:13,555 --> 00:16:16,100 I'm guessing names and waiting for a reaction. 336 00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:17,601 George Swinebrenner. 337 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,770 She's obviously a she, funny man. 338 00:16:19,853 --> 00:16:21,188 Gloria Swineham then. 339 00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:25,609 Howard, uh, monitor this ham radio. 340 00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:27,736 I-I need to get Zach into character. 341 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,363 Seriously, Oliver, I think w-we're done here. 342 00:16:29,446 --> 00:16:31,865 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pop quiz, hotshot. 343 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:33,534 Uh, you're Oliver Putnam. 344 00:16:33,617 --> 00:16:35,744 You're six Cosmos deep at Joe Allen 345 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,746 when Frank Rich picks a fight. 346 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,040 Who is the definitive Mrs. Lovett, 347 00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,584 Lansbury or LuPone? 348 00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:45,879 LuPone? 349 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:48,382 Go. Just go. This guy needs a lot of work. 350 00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:12,865 Ugh. What are you doing here? 351 00:17:12,948 --> 00:17:14,533 What are you doing here? 352 00:17:14,616 --> 00:17:16,160 Solving a murder. 353 00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:17,953 Mabél works alone, remember? 354 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:21,498 Who's there? Ooh! Do we have company, Eva? 355 00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,083 I guess. 356 00:17:29,339 --> 00:17:30,632 Oh, hello. 357 00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:33,594 What's this? 358 00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:37,389 Well, I was just bringing around comedy legend, uh, Eugene Levy, 359 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:39,808 to help everyone cope with the recent murders in the building. 360 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,728 You know, maybe bring a few smiles. 361 00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:46,899 - And what's with the eye patches? - Thanks for asking. 362 00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:49,068 It just, uh, it turns out that Eugene and I 363 00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:51,945 both simultaneously, uh, developed this, uh, 364 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,740 pesky, uh, conjunctivitis, and, uh… 365 00:17:54,823 --> 00:17:58,327 But thankfully, uh, we have this… these new amazing drops. 366 00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,537 And we were thinking that if your patch 367 00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:04,124 is covering the same thing, you know, pesky conjunctivitis, 368 00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:07,086 y-you may wanna remove it, uh, right here, and… 369 00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:09,838 That's right, and I would be happy to share my drops. 370 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,674 Y-You know what? I'll pass, okay? 371 00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:16,011 I-I-I tried every drop on the market. Here… 372 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:19,515 W-Wait! Wait! Uh, wait, I get it. I get it. You've tried… 373 00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:21,266 everything on the market, 374 00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:23,894 but you will change your tune 375 00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:26,355 when you… when you hear my friend's tale. 376 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,524 My tale? 377 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,943 Mm-hmm. The tale you told me last week 378 00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:33,529 - at, uh, at the Improv. - Oh. 379 00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:36,573 Oh, y-yes, and… Uh, well, my tale is simple. 380 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:39,326 Uh, my, my cousin is an ophthalmologist. 381 00:18:39,409 --> 00:18:42,037 Dr. Savage. Salazar Savage. 382 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,497 Yes, and, 383 00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:47,000 uh, his, u-uh, father, m-my uncle, 384 00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:49,586 uh, he went to Paraguay 385 00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:51,213 as a missionary in the '40s 386 00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:53,590 to… help… convert… 387 00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:55,801 the indigenous… 388 00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:58,220 Montaguayo people 389 00:18:58,303 --> 00:19:01,723 - and raise his only son. - Again, th-the genius, 390 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:05,519 but criminally obscure Dr. Salazar Savage. 391 00:19:05,602 --> 00:19:07,020 Yes, and… 392 00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:09,982 - I-I'm sorry. Where is this going? - I'll tell you where this is going! 393 00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:13,443 My cousin developed a cutting-edge pink eye treatment 394 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:16,321 from the native, uh, lava cactus… 395 00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:18,490 Which is not available here 396 00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:21,243 due to some trivial FDA regulations, 397 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:24,454 and I will not go into detail about that. 398 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:25,831 Yeah, anyway, the point is… 399 00:19:25,914 --> 00:19:28,709 Oh, thank God, yes! The point being… 400 00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:31,795 The point is I was recently sent a bottle 401 00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:33,714 of this amazing stuff, 402 00:19:33,797 --> 00:19:36,425 uh, from Asunción. 403 00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:40,345 Which is the actual capital of Paraguay. 404 00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:44,391 Alright, fine, fine, fine. I'll… Yeah, I-I-I'll try it. Uh… 405 00:19:44,474 --> 00:19:46,351 S-So what you do is… 406 00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:50,314 Is you just, uh, pull down your eye patch, and you put in, uh, 16 drops. 407 00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:52,274 I think I know how to use an eye dropper. 408 00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:53,984 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 409 00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:56,111 No, no, you really wanna do it here because… 410 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,113 we want to video it, 411 00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:01,867 so we can send the tape to Dr. Salavar? 412 00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:02,993 - Dr. Savage. - Savage. 413 00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:04,578 I'll be right back. 414 00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:17,466 Ho ho ho! Here we go! 415 00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:20,177 Two protein eggnogs! Yummy! 416 00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:22,971 It's my personal recipe, patent pending. 417 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,599 Actually, Eva, I'm something of a mogul myself. 418 00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,018 Mm. Mm. 419 00:20:28,101 --> 00:20:30,395 - That's thick. - Oh, thank you! 420 00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:32,564 The secret: more egg than nog. 421 00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:34,024 And ground deer hoof. 422 00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:39,821 So, I-I'm sorry to barge in on you like this. 423 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:43,158 I'm not sure what Eva Longoria has told you, but… 424 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,868 Oh, I told him we're investigating the murder. 425 00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:47,871 - Of course you did. - And that we're looking for clues. 426 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:51,166 We're gonna have answers by the end of day. 427 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,960 Unrelated. Rudy, uh, 428 00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:55,420 your home is… so cozy. 429 00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:57,756 I love Christmas decorations. 430 00:20:57,839 --> 00:21:01,009 But I-I have to say, you, uh, you're missing my favorite. 431 00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,595 What's that? Advent calendar? 432 00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:07,057 I have five. Nutcrackers? I got a whole family. 433 00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:09,851 12-foot-tall snowman? I had to put him in my room. 434 00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:11,561 People were put off by the scale 435 00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:13,313 and anatomical correctness. 436 00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:15,190 Oh, that makes sense. 437 00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:18,360 No, I meant tinsel. Do you have any of that? 438 00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:24,324 Is that the Perfect Strangers theme? 439 00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:25,659 Is that a ham radio? 440 00:21:25,742 --> 00:21:28,662 Yeah, it's a gift from a friend. Here, lemme just get rid of that. 441 00:21:30,580 --> 00:21:32,291 Hey, Mabél, look around. 442 00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:33,375 There's no tinsel. 443 00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:34,543 Uh, look around. 444 00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:37,963 There's a gun on the wall and another ham radio. 445 00:21:38,046 --> 00:21:40,424 There has to be tinsel. He probably just hid it 446 00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,718 because you were telling him we're looking for clues. 447 00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:44,303 Okay, stop saying tinsel! 448 00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:46,638 Let's just provoke a reaction outta the guy, 449 00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:49,016 so he can confess by my 7:30 dinner. 450 00:21:49,099 --> 00:21:50,517 By the way, I have a 7:30 dinner, 451 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,228 and I'd love to tell everybody I solved a murder today. 452 00:21:53,312 --> 00:21:57,274 Eva, m-my friend is in very real danger. We're not provoking a killer 453 00:21:57,357 --> 00:21:59,985 so that you can share some charming anecdote with… 454 00:22:00,068 --> 00:22:01,945 Roger Federer, Anderson Cooper, Michelle Obama, 455 00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:04,990 and the lady from Shark Tank. Barb something. 456 00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:08,785 Okay, well, we'll try to get you out by 6:00. 457 00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:10,871 Great. 458 00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:16,418 You may think it's silly, but… 459 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:20,839 when I was a kid, I had a dream… 460 00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:24,384 that I would live a life that, someday, 461 00:22:24,468 --> 00:22:26,970 someone would wanna turn into a film. 462 00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:30,015 And now, all I want is it 463 00:22:30,098 --> 00:22:32,976 to be the best film ever made. 464 00:22:33,310 --> 00:22:35,312 Wow, that's really brave for you to admit that, 465 00:22:35,395 --> 00:22:37,439 but probably not for the reasons you think. 466 00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:43,570 Okay. I-I'm sorry. 467 00:22:44,279 --> 00:22:46,448 I get it. You don't wanna be forgotten. 468 00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:49,701 Oh. Who could ever forget Oliver Putnam? 469 00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:51,495 Right. Right. 470 00:22:52,204 --> 00:22:55,123 So, let's give a lift to that hair… Oh, boy. 471 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,044 It's gonna be a little journey here. 472 00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:03,340 I do have one question though. 473 00:23:03,423 --> 00:23:05,050 I just need a second here. 474 00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:07,552 All those stories that you tell. 475 00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:10,889 There's no way they're true, right? 476 00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:14,643 Well, the key to an Oliver Putnam story 477 00:23:14,726 --> 00:23:17,437 - is that you want it to be true. - Yeah. 478 00:23:17,521 --> 00:23:20,816 It should take place between 1960 and 1980, 479 00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:22,567 it should involve a celebrity 480 00:23:22,651 --> 00:23:24,611 who you're shocked to discover is still alive… 481 00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:29,449 …and the best ones take place in a nightclub that's now an Applebee's. 482 00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,785 Or involve a drug that no longer exists. 483 00:23:32,577 --> 00:23:34,371 Okay, now… 484 00:23:35,330 --> 00:23:36,832 close your eyes. 485 00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:45,257 Ooh! Someone just got back from Ibiza. 486 00:23:45,340 --> 00:23:49,052 Where I did opium with Barbara Eden at a Souplantation? 487 00:23:50,971 --> 00:23:52,431 No one gets it the first time. 488 00:23:52,514 --> 00:23:55,100 - Okay. - Come on! Come here. 489 00:24:25,213 --> 00:24:26,590 Whatever this is… 490 00:24:28,091 --> 00:24:29,217 …I hate it. 491 00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:56,912 Okay, he's gonna be out any second. 492 00:24:56,995 --> 00:24:59,623 Any second, Charles. Do you have another plan? 493 00:24:59,706 --> 00:25:02,000 - I have a plan. I have a plan. - Good. Good. 494 00:25:02,083 --> 00:25:03,335 And it is… 495 00:25:05,212 --> 00:25:07,255 Oh, my God, I'm in a murderer's apartment, 496 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:10,675 and you don't have a plan! Okay, thanks. 497 00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:13,261 Here you go. Let's hope that they work. 498 00:25:15,430 --> 00:25:18,016 Um, um, listen, before we go, um, I'm wondering 499 00:25:18,099 --> 00:25:20,352 i-i-if you can, uh, bring my friend Charles 500 00:25:20,435 --> 00:25:22,562 a glass of, uh, water. 501 00:25:22,646 --> 00:25:25,565 Sure. I'm a restaurant now. 502 00:25:28,985 --> 00:25:30,487 We're not doing your spit take plan! 503 00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:32,781 I don't think we have a choice. I tell a joke, 504 00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:35,158 you spit in his face, we get to see under his eye patch! 505 00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:36,952 If he hates me, and he's a murderer, 506 00:25:37,035 --> 00:25:38,745 and he can shoot directly into my apartment, 507 00:25:38,828 --> 00:25:40,830 maybe I shouldn't spit in his face? 508 00:25:41,248 --> 00:25:43,542 Good point. That's a good point. 509 00:25:43,625 --> 00:25:45,168 But he can still murder me. 510 00:25:45,252 --> 00:25:46,670 - Here you go. - Yeah. 511 00:25:47,629 --> 00:25:49,923 Oh, here's the water you wanted. Anyway, uh, 512 00:25:50,006 --> 00:25:52,342 so these two snails are vacationing in Beverly Hills… 513 00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:54,094 Here. Try it, try it, try it. 514 00:25:54,177 --> 00:25:55,929 A-A priest and a… and a duck walk into a synagogue… 515 00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:57,973 No, that's not funny. You take it. You drink… You drink it. 516 00:25:58,056 --> 00:25:59,432 You drink it. You drink it. You drink it. 517 00:25:59,516 --> 00:26:01,184 Anyway, these two cannibals 518 00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:04,020 are sitting down to a nice meal of baked asshole of clown. 519 00:26:04,104 --> 00:26:05,480 What the? 520 00:26:07,107 --> 00:26:09,985 And one cannibal says to the other, "This taste funny to you?" 521 00:26:14,614 --> 00:26:16,616 That's… That's not a bruise. 522 00:26:16,700 --> 00:26:19,202 That is a pink… pink eye. 523 00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:20,579 Yeah! 524 00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:24,291 Antibiotic-resistant pink eye! 525 00:26:26,126 --> 00:26:29,504 Nothing, nothing… 526 00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:32,299 - You wanna help out here? - No, I'm kinda busy. 527 00:26:33,383 --> 00:26:35,093 Hey, what are you doing? 528 00:26:35,176 --> 00:26:37,596 Oh! Uh, nothing. I was, uh, 529 00:26:37,679 --> 00:26:41,391 just admiring this so sweet and… 530 00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:42,559 - Ho ho ho. - Oh. 531 00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:44,102 Oh, no, no, please. Ho ho ho. 532 00:26:44,185 --> 00:26:46,396 - Don't touch him. - Uh, yeah. 533 00:26:46,479 --> 00:26:49,107 Mrs. Claus is a lucky lady. 534 00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:50,609 Oh, great. 535 00:26:50,692 --> 00:26:53,069 Dinner got moved up to 6:30. 536 00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:54,696 Time to land this plane. 537 00:26:54,779 --> 00:26:56,906 - Oh, no, no, no, no, no. - Hey, Rudy. 538 00:26:57,574 --> 00:26:58,992 No, no, no, no, no! 539 00:26:59,075 --> 00:27:00,619 Does this piss you off? 540 00:27:00,702 --> 00:27:02,120 What… 541 00:27:02,203 --> 00:27:03,538 Or… Hey! No, no, no! 542 00:27:03,622 --> 00:27:04,914 What about this? Don't… 543 00:27:04,998 --> 00:27:06,541 Why? 544 00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:08,960 Oh, and by the way, your eggnog sucks. 545 00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:10,337 Aw! What you gonna do about it? 546 00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:12,255 You gonna cry? Are you gonna cry about it? 547 00:27:12,339 --> 00:27:14,591 'Cause word on the street is you get a little murderous 548 00:27:14,674 --> 00:27:17,385 when somebody tries to ruin Christmas! 549 00:27:17,469 --> 00:27:19,054 Ooh! Hey, don't touch that! 550 00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:21,640 I bet you that's very… triggering! 551 00:27:21,723 --> 00:27:23,350 - Oh, my God! - What are you doing? 552 00:27:23,433 --> 00:27:26,811 I'm solving the murder. Admit it! Christmas is all you have. 553 00:27:26,895 --> 00:27:29,522 Yeah, Christmas and fitness. 554 00:27:29,606 --> 00:27:32,692 Fitness is clearly important to you. That is not lost on me, 555 00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:34,486 but, mostly, you love Christmas. 556 00:27:34,569 --> 00:27:36,571 So, when your scrooge of a neighbor 557 00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:39,824 tries to take away your real Christmas trees, you snapped. 558 00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:41,076 Eva, put the gun down. 559 00:27:41,159 --> 00:27:42,994 And once you had Charles in your sights… 560 00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:45,538 - Eva Longoria's unhinged. - That is correct. 561 00:27:45,622 --> 00:27:47,791 …you shot him! 562 00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:50,251 - Ho ho ho! - Oh, this is not a real gun. 563 00:27:50,335 --> 00:27:53,213 No, it's not. You think I shot Charles because I love Christmas? 564 00:27:53,296 --> 00:27:54,297 Yeah. 565 00:27:54,381 --> 00:27:56,549 I hate Christmas! 566 00:27:58,968 --> 00:28:00,470 But, um… 567 00:28:02,222 --> 00:28:04,224 Okay. 568 00:28:04,307 --> 00:28:05,725 I'm a fitness influencer. 569 00:28:05,809 --> 00:28:09,354 I made one Christmas-themed workout video, and it went viral. 570 00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:11,981 Now, I'm stuck being "Santa's Sexy Little Helper." 571 00:28:12,065 --> 00:28:15,694 I can't crack 100 likes unless it's Christmas-themed content! 572 00:28:15,777 --> 00:28:18,947 My success is my prison and these… 573 00:28:19,030 --> 00:28:22,992 ornaments, the reindeer, that gun from A Christmas Story, these are my jailers! 574 00:28:23,076 --> 00:28:26,246 Every five seconds, people are asking me if they're still on the naughty list! 575 00:28:27,580 --> 00:28:29,499 - That's a lot of names. - Hello. 576 00:28:29,582 --> 00:28:31,084 And abs. Thank you. 577 00:28:31,167 --> 00:28:34,671 Do you know how hard it is to write on yourself backwards? 578 00:28:34,754 --> 00:28:38,174 All my time is spent trying to come up with Christmas workout puns. 579 00:28:38,258 --> 00:28:41,052 "Yule be surprised at what your body can do!" 580 00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:44,055 "No time like the presents to believe in your elf!" 581 00:28:44,139 --> 00:28:46,307 My parents are so disappointed in me! 582 00:28:46,850 --> 00:28:48,852 It felt good to get that out. 583 00:28:51,980 --> 00:28:54,566 Um, hey, could you guys not tell people 584 00:28:54,649 --> 00:28:56,943 about the whole "I hate Christmas" thing? 585 00:28:57,026 --> 00:28:59,320 Yeah, sure. No problem. 586 00:28:59,404 --> 00:29:02,949 Um, I just have one more question. Can you explain this? 587 00:29:03,950 --> 00:29:06,369 We saw tinsel where the shot was fired, 588 00:29:06,453 --> 00:29:08,371 and kinda led us to you. 589 00:29:08,455 --> 00:29:11,458 Yeah, this is not tinsel. Tinsel is highly flammable. 590 00:29:11,541 --> 00:29:13,376 Christmas's silent killer. Huh. 591 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,254 Okay, thank you. Mm. 592 00:29:16,337 --> 00:29:17,756 I'm sorry Eva Longoria 593 00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:20,633 shot what she thought was a real gun in your apartment. 594 00:29:20,717 --> 00:29:21,718 My bad. 595 00:29:21,801 --> 00:29:23,303 Hey, but if it's any consolation, 596 00:29:23,386 --> 00:29:26,556 Michelle Obama will watch your TikTok tonight. 597 00:29:28,391 --> 00:29:30,977 Wait, what do you mean Michelle Obama will see my… 598 00:29:31,060 --> 00:29:32,562 Is that a euphemism for something? 599 00:29:32,645 --> 00:29:34,522 Merry Christmas! 600 00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:39,486 The Ollies are back! 601 00:29:39,569 --> 00:29:42,030 That was a long day alone with a pig and a radio. 602 00:29:42,113 --> 00:29:43,114 How was yours? 603 00:29:43,198 --> 00:29:45,283 Well, that depends. What do you call taking too many Quaaludes 604 00:29:45,366 --> 00:29:47,494 with Ving Rhames and getting kicked outta the Playboy Club? 605 00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:51,039 Oh, hold on. 606 00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:54,083 - Oh, that's my agent. One second. - Oh my… 607 00:29:54,626 --> 00:29:56,252 Seems like it went well. 608 00:29:56,336 --> 00:29:59,088 Huge success. Enormous success. 609 00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:01,216 The success has elephantitis. 610 00:30:01,299 --> 00:30:03,676 Meanwhile, I kept a very detailed ham radio journal. 611 00:30:04,969 --> 00:30:08,556 A few call signs, the theme song from Perfect Strangers, 612 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:11,226 a lot of weather chatter. A lot! 613 00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:15,104 Feels like most of these kooks are just waiting for the apocalypse. 614 00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:18,066 Including Kristen Piig, who is one open window away 615 00:30:18,149 --> 00:30:20,151 from turning herself into Canadian bacon. 616 00:30:20,235 --> 00:30:22,654 I'm really glad you pushed me to do this today. 617 00:30:22,737 --> 00:30:26,324 - Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, absolutely. - Ooh. 618 00:30:26,407 --> 00:30:28,868 It was a lot of fun. We did a lot of frolicking, 619 00:30:28,952 --> 00:30:32,330 and we got to know each other and, you know, the whole works. 620 00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:34,833 Of course, I'm being sarcastic! 621 00:30:34,916 --> 00:30:37,460 What part of "career pivot" was so confusing to you? 622 00:30:37,544 --> 00:30:42,298 I told you I wanted big, meaty, psychosexual leading man dramatic parts, 623 00:30:42,382 --> 00:30:45,218 and you give me pocket-sized, flop-sweat Willy Wonka. 624 00:30:45,301 --> 00:30:48,388 This man is a one-dimensional narcissist. 625 00:30:48,471 --> 00:30:50,974 Under those scarves deep, deep down, 626 00:30:51,057 --> 00:30:53,560 it's just more fucking scarves. I gotta go. 627 00:30:54,018 --> 00:30:55,019 Thanks, guys. 628 00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:57,480 I'm gonna take off. That was a lot of fun. 629 00:30:57,564 --> 00:30:59,065 Lot of fun. 630 00:30:59,148 --> 00:31:00,525 Yo, Galifianakis! 631 00:31:01,401 --> 00:31:05,196 How could you spend an entire day with this man and still not get it? 632 00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:08,700 Let me tell you a little something about Mr. Oliver Putnam. 633 00:31:08,783 --> 00:31:10,493 This man? 634 00:31:10,577 --> 00:31:11,953 He's my hero. 635 00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:14,581 Oliver doesn't know the definition of quit. 636 00:31:14,664 --> 00:31:18,835 There is no obstacle nor tragedy that Oliver Putnam can't bounce back from. 637 00:31:18,918 --> 00:31:20,628 Think about what he's been through. 638 00:31:20,712 --> 00:31:24,674 Flop… after flop… after flop. 639 00:31:24,757 --> 00:31:27,385 - Onstage. Off. - Right. 640 00:31:27,468 --> 00:31:30,597 Any other man with even a shred, a speck of dignity, 641 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,432 would be destroyed, 642 00:31:32,515 --> 00:31:35,226 - but not this man! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm! - Okay, Howard… 643 00:31:35,310 --> 00:31:37,478 Every time he falls, he gets right back up, 644 00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:39,522 and he meets the day with a song, don't you? 645 00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:40,732 Yeah, I… Yes. 646 00:31:40,815 --> 00:31:43,026 Even when he knows he's just gonna fall again. 647 00:31:43,109 --> 00:31:44,986 Alright, Howard, please. I think I can handle… 648 00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:48,573 Okay, take his current long-distance romance, for example. 649 00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:51,284 I give it six months, most would say three. 650 00:31:51,367 --> 00:31:54,746 Yet, here he remains, helping your little career, 651 00:31:54,829 --> 00:31:57,206 instead of enjoying his final precious hours 652 00:31:57,290 --> 00:31:59,375 upon that Hindenburg of a relationship. 653 00:31:59,459 --> 00:32:02,587 Th-That is not true. Loretta and I have never been this strong. 654 00:32:02,670 --> 00:32:05,298 I rest my case. 655 00:32:07,634 --> 00:32:09,719 Now, that's psychosexual. 656 00:32:09,802 --> 00:32:12,013 That's meaty! 657 00:32:12,096 --> 00:32:14,557 You're not the court jester. 658 00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:15,934 You're King Lear! 659 00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:18,686 Yes, I think what Howard meant was… No, no, no, no, no. 660 00:32:19,896 --> 00:32:21,439 You're this… 661 00:32:21,522 --> 00:32:23,816 elegant worm. 662 00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:25,193 This dressed-up doormat. 663 00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:28,112 This Technicolored cockroach who refuses to die! 664 00:32:29,614 --> 00:32:31,491 I hate you! 665 00:32:31,574 --> 00:32:33,034 But I love you. 666 00:32:36,537 --> 00:32:39,040 People might finally take me seriously after this. 667 00:32:40,875 --> 00:32:42,627 Uh-huh… 668 00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:44,420 I will immortalize you, Oliver, 669 00:32:46,130 --> 00:32:48,007 The real… 670 00:32:48,091 --> 00:32:49,467 tragic… 671 00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:51,803 heartbreaking… 672 00:32:52,804 --> 00:32:54,055 lonely… 673 00:32:54,931 --> 00:32:56,933 pathetic you. 674 00:32:59,394 --> 00:33:01,896 That's very kind. Thank you. 675 00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:04,357 Okay, let's get crackin'! 676 00:33:10,905 --> 00:33:13,366 Hey, bud! Look who's got a bloody nose? 677 00:33:13,449 --> 00:33:15,493 I used to get those all the time from anxiety. 678 00:33:15,576 --> 00:33:18,788 Yeah. Well, mine's from being punched in the face. 679 00:33:18,871 --> 00:33:21,165 Sorry about the haymaker. Oh, that's all right, Vince. 680 00:33:21,249 --> 00:33:24,085 Apology accepted. 681 00:33:24,168 --> 00:33:26,546 You know, I just realized something, Charles. 682 00:33:26,629 --> 00:33:28,673 You're not that complex. 683 00:33:28,756 --> 00:33:31,801 You're just as chicken shit as I am, which makes you funny. 684 00:33:31,884 --> 00:33:35,388 - I think I can play you. - Well, uh, that's something. 685 00:33:35,471 --> 00:33:38,850 I can't believe that you thought I killed your friend. 686 00:33:38,933 --> 00:33:41,394 I can't even kill this moderate to severe case 687 00:33:41,477 --> 00:33:43,604 of bacterial conjunctivitis. 688 00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:45,523 Well, whoever shot my friend, 689 00:33:45,606 --> 00:33:48,776 I think probably had something wrong with their eyes 690 00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:51,195 because I think they were aiming for me. 691 00:33:51,279 --> 00:33:54,741 And, honestly, I always thought you hated me. 692 00:33:54,824 --> 00:33:56,909 What? I hated you? 693 00:33:56,993 --> 00:33:58,953 I always thought that you hated me! 694 00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:02,123 Whenever I see you through the window, you always look away. 695 00:34:02,206 --> 00:34:03,958 No, I'm just awkward! 696 00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:07,170 I-I'm awkward, too! 697 00:34:07,253 --> 00:34:08,629 You're awkward? 698 00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:11,841 I'm very awkward! Yes! 699 00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:16,262 - Oh, Vince. Aw… - Ah, Charles! Aw! 700 00:34:18,848 --> 00:34:22,143 Yeah, Eugene! 701 00:34:23,853 --> 00:34:26,981 Yeah, okay, yeah. See, you're too tight. 702 00:34:27,065 --> 00:34:30,777 You're hugging just way too tight. 703 00:34:30,860 --> 00:34:31,903 This is enough. 704 00:34:31,986 --> 00:34:34,530 No, this is hugging for three people. This is enough. 705 00:34:34,614 --> 00:34:36,115 Okay, let's go. Done. 706 00:34:36,199 --> 00:34:38,701 - Okay, bye-bye. - Lovely apartment. 707 00:34:39,118 --> 00:34:40,119 Here you go. 708 00:34:43,706 --> 00:34:46,084 Think I'm gonna skip the part where I was wildly wrong 709 00:34:46,167 --> 00:34:47,960 when I tell this story tonight. 710 00:34:48,044 --> 00:34:50,254 Um, you know what? For what it's worth, 711 00:34:50,338 --> 00:34:52,173 you were actually kind of helpful. 712 00:34:52,256 --> 00:34:55,510 I probably would've wasted weeks thinking that guy had a motive. 713 00:34:56,177 --> 00:34:59,722 Maybe, you know, your Mabel's approach isn't that bad. 714 00:34:59,806 --> 00:35:02,350 - Or Mabél. - Mm, Mabél is bold. 715 00:35:02,433 --> 00:35:05,394 - She pops. She sells T-shirts. - Um… 716 00:35:05,478 --> 00:35:07,480 I think I'm gonna hang back for a second. 717 00:35:07,563 --> 00:35:09,565 Taking a page out of your playbook. 718 00:35:25,414 --> 00:35:27,959 I see you, Mabél. 719 00:36:28,477 --> 00:36:29,729 It's us! Hi! 720 00:36:29,812 --> 00:36:32,607 Housekeeping! 721 00:36:34,275 --> 00:36:36,527 So, you don't believe Dudenoff's in Portugal? 722 00:36:36,611 --> 00:36:37,862 I'm not convinced. 723 00:36:37,945 --> 00:36:39,572 Well, he's not gonna be happy you're here. 724 00:36:39,655 --> 00:36:42,325 I'm counting on it. If he finds out I'm squatting here, 725 00:36:42,408 --> 00:36:44,702 he'll have to show his face to kick me out. 726 00:36:44,785 --> 00:36:46,996 He could be our killer… 727 00:36:47,079 --> 00:36:49,457 Personally, I love that you're squatting. 728 00:36:49,540 --> 00:36:52,168 In the summer of '77, I spent an incredible three months 729 00:36:52,251 --> 00:36:55,504 squatting in Sonny Bono's Palm Springs pool house. 730 00:36:55,588 --> 00:36:59,258 Look, it'll be good for the case, and I needed a place to stay. 731 00:36:59,342 --> 00:37:00,968 Well, I just… 732 00:37:01,052 --> 00:37:02,428 I worry about you here. 733 00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:04,931 I worry about you all the time. 734 00:37:05,014 --> 00:37:07,391 At least we can watch over each other now. 735 00:37:08,851 --> 00:37:11,854 How come the actors couldn't come for one of our finales? 736 00:37:11,938 --> 00:37:14,523 Like when we figure everything out all at once? 737 00:37:14,607 --> 00:37:15,983 Mm-hmm. 738 00:37:33,709 --> 00:37:35,086 What is happening right now? 739 00:37:37,380 --> 00:37:38,965 What is that bizarrely catchy song? 740 00:37:39,048 --> 00:37:41,634 Oh, I heard it on Rudy's ham radio. 741 00:37:41,717 --> 00:37:43,678 You don't know the theme to Perfect Strangers? 742 00:37:43,761 --> 00:37:45,596 You do? 743 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:47,390 The theme to Perfect Strangers. 744 00:37:47,473 --> 00:37:51,018 Howard was clocking the same song on the radio. 745 00:37:51,102 --> 00:37:52,353 Gimme his book. 746 00:37:54,563 --> 00:37:57,441 Yes! A person came on the line and said, 747 00:37:57,525 --> 00:37:59,318 "Meet me at 445." 748 00:37:59,402 --> 00:38:01,570 What is the deal with these ham radios? 749 00:38:01,654 --> 00:38:04,657 I mean, are we in some sort of doomsday cult? 750 00:38:04,740 --> 00:38:07,576 You know, Vince had this photo of everyone on this floor, 751 00:38:07,660 --> 00:38:10,246 and someone was holding Rudy's hand with the pig, 752 00:38:10,329 --> 00:38:11,998 and their face was crossed out. 753 00:38:12,081 --> 00:38:13,833 Maybe that's who was on the radio. 754 00:38:13,916 --> 00:38:17,962 Okay, but what is 445? Is that an address? A time? 755 00:38:18,045 --> 00:38:19,547 It's a frequency! 756 00:38:20,798 --> 00:38:21,924 Oh, my gosh! 757 00:38:26,345 --> 00:38:28,848 Ah! Could you help me? 758 00:38:28,931 --> 00:38:30,516 Yeah, I gotcha. 759 00:38:32,435 --> 00:38:34,478 Hello? Hello? 760 00:38:35,771 --> 00:38:39,608 "OMIT-B" paging "Perfect Strangers," do you copy? 761 00:38:41,319 --> 00:38:42,695 Hello? 762 00:38:42,778 --> 00:38:44,780 You shouldn't be on this frequency. 763 00:38:45,990 --> 00:38:48,534 - Who is Dudenoff? - And what's with all the ham? 764 00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:49,910 Do you know who's out to get me? 765 00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:51,537 The last person 766 00:38:51,620 --> 00:38:53,539 who came around asking these questions got killed. 767 00:38:53,622 --> 00:38:55,875 I love you, Hammy Faye Bakker! 768 00:38:59,795 --> 00:39:01,505 Well, that solves that mystery. 769 00:39:01,589 --> 00:39:04,884 I tell you. Drop this, or you'll be next!