1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:02,794 Who is Dudenoff? 2 00:00:02,877 --> 00:00:04,212 Do you know who's out to get me? 3 00:00:04,295 --> 00:00:05,672 The last person who came around 4 00:00:05,755 --> 00:00:07,257 asking these questions got killed. 5 00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:10,010 We're illegally subletting rent-controlled apartments. 6 00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:13,221 Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal. We send him rent. 7 00:00:13,304 --> 00:00:14,723 The voice on the ham radio said… 8 00:00:14,806 --> 00:00:17,225 - That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend, - Your crazy ex-girlfriend. 9 00:00:17,308 --> 00:00:20,645 You may have heard about our little "firearms moment" at the photo shoot. 10 00:00:21,896 --> 00:00:23,023 It's Glen! He's still alive! 11 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,483 They got me in my fat! 12 00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:27,402 Dudenoff? He's been cashing social security checks 13 00:00:27,485 --> 00:00:29,112 at a bodega on 125th Street. 14 00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:30,905 There's two left shoulders? 15 00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:34,075 Sazz's body wasn't the only one in the incinerator. 16 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,786 It belongs… to Dudenoff. 17 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,788 Oliver, I wanna marry you. 18 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,999 Whosever cashing Dudenoff's checks is after you. 19 00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:44,085 Your friend Howard says he knows who killed Dudenoff. 20 00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:46,671 Wasn't just one person cashing his checks. 21 00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:49,007 He found five different signatures 22 00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:51,051 - with one phone number. - Hello? 23 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,346 They know. 24 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:05,148 Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat is a film 25 00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:10,111 set entirely in a small boat filled with disparate characters 26 00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:13,865 who learn how far they'd go to survive the rough waters 27 00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:15,658 of their perilous circumstances. 28 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,828 In New York City, 29 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:23,625 a lifeboat can look a lot like an affordable apartment in a nice building 30 00:01:23,708 --> 00:01:25,752 on the Upper West Side. 31 00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:27,212 Can I go in this way? 32 00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:28,296 Hey, taxi! 33 00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:38,515 Well, I can make another tape. I c… 34 00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:42,811 - Hey! - Hey. Call… call me back. 35 00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:45,271 You got one of those fancy invites from Dudenoff, too, huh? 36 00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:48,024 Yeah, it's so, uh, "murder mystery." 37 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,151 I think it was delivered by a raven. 38 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:53,238 - Is your eye okay? - Yeah, it's probably just allergies. 39 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,990 Hey! You guys got an invite, too? 40 00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:57,867 Yeah. Check out this cardstock. 41 00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:00,954 He knows we can, like, text, right? 42 00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:03,623 Is someone gonna knock already? 43 00:02:03,706 --> 00:02:06,334 Wait for me! Wait for me! 44 00:02:06,417 --> 00:02:08,419 - Helga! - I brought my new girlfriend. 45 00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,088 I hope that is okay. 46 00:02:10,171 --> 00:02:12,632 Of course. Who would turn away Hammy Faye Bakker? 47 00:02:12,715 --> 00:02:14,467 Piggy in a blanket! 48 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:19,597 Oh, hell! 49 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:21,391 Look who it is. 50 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,977 Come on in. Make yourself comfortable. 51 00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,980 I'm about to change your lives. 52 00:03:19,073 --> 00:03:21,242 One thing about choosing a safe house 53 00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:22,410 filled with your family. 54 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,370 What's that, Charles? 55 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:28,541 It makes going home to a building full of murderers more appealing. 56 00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:36,132 Seriously? 57 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,885 Okay, just put… 58 00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:43,056 No, no, no. Charles, use your hips. 59 00:03:43,139 --> 00:03:45,391 Up and around like a hula hoop. Do this thing. 60 00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,352 - It's not helping. - Would you just let me? 61 00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:50,438 No, I can do it. It's just a problem with the, uh, th-the fuselage. 62 00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:52,815 How do neither of you know how to pop the hood of a car? 63 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:56,569 - Because real men hire other men, Mabel. - Triple-A says they're 15 minutes away, 64 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:59,447 and it's good to leave them something to do 'cause it makes 'em happy. 65 00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:02,533 You're a real philanthropist. Hang on. 66 00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,870 They're calling again! Ignore! 67 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:08,831 Well, while we're waiting, 68 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,833 we should probably do a recap. 69 00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:12,460 Here's what we know so far. 70 00:04:12,543 --> 00:04:15,255 This Dudenoff guy has a bunch of rent-controlled units, 71 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,173 and he moved the Westies in. 72 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:21,010 Then, even though they need him alive to keep their homes, 73 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,012 they kill and burn him. 74 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,014 And then, they cash his checks to cover it up. 75 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:29,060 And when poor Sazz caught onto them, they shot her from Dudenoff's apartment. 76 00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:30,853 And then, they shot at me, barely missing 77 00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:33,147 the most essential person to our investigative work. 78 00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,191 I can't believe Vince Fish would do this! 79 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,859 He was my Wordle buddy! 80 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:39,779 Oh! Hold on. 81 00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:42,407 Oh. Th-They're FaceTiming us now. 82 00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:43,825 Hello? 83 00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:47,829 Hey, guys! So the sexy half of this crime-solving sextet 84 00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:49,330 has some thoughts. 85 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:51,332 Don't you have to go to rehearsal? 86 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,876 Now that we know that we're indispensable, we cannot leave you alone. 87 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,962 We are professional investigators, 88 00:04:56,045 --> 00:04:58,172 and you are playing us in a movie because of it! 89 00:04:58,256 --> 00:04:59,632 We are fine on our own! 90 00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,884 Hey, can we just, uh, mute you for a second? 91 00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,803 If you're muting us, we're muting you! 92 00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:05,555 Okay, good. Muting each other. 93 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,933 Are these dumb-dumbs gonna ruin this? 94 00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:11,102 Uh, y-you didn't mute us. 95 00:05:11,185 --> 00:05:13,938 Oh, sorry about that. Uh, muting now. 96 00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:16,733 - What happened? I'm muted. - No, we can still hear you. 97 00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:19,068 Tell you what? Let's just not mute! 98 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,112 We need to find someplace safe to plan. 99 00:05:21,195 --> 00:05:23,156 Anywhere but the Arconia. 100 00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:27,368 Okay. I know just the place. 101 00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,751 Okay, but how do we get a confession? 102 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:38,087 Well, I have an idea, but it involves someone. 103 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,715 - Swear to God, if you say Tony Danza… - It's Tony Danza. 104 00:05:40,798 --> 00:05:43,760 Eugene, can we go one day without you mentioning Tony Danza? 105 00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:45,970 Hey, look. 106 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,185 How could my character live here? 107 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,771 The albums, not alphabetized. 108 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,106 Oh! Nice. 109 00:05:57,190 --> 00:06:00,985 Nice. A first edition touching a second edition! 110 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:03,321 Yeah, brilliant. That's really good. 111 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,323 Oh, really? 112 00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,911 - Oh. - Okay. 113 00:06:09,994 --> 00:06:11,871 So, we bust in on the Westies with two celebrities 114 00:06:11,954 --> 00:06:13,581 - and Eugene. - Mm-hmm. 115 00:06:13,664 --> 00:06:14,665 Then, what? 116 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,125 It's almost go-time on the movie, 117 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,086 so I'm gonna pump my cheeks while we spitball. 118 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,129 Can we get back to my idea for a minute? 119 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,214 Because it's so simple. 120 00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:23,841 We invite the Westies to, yes, 121 00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:26,344 Tony Danza's 35th annual 122 00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:28,805 "It's Time To Wear White Pants Extrava-Danza." 123 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:32,558 Tony Danza was a 1980s television star of Who's the Boss? 124 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,936 - I don't care. It's okay. - Oh. 125 00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:37,522 Then, we tell the Sauce Family that Tony wants 126 00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:40,233 to start his own line of sauces called 127 00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:41,609 "Who's the Sauce?" 128 00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:44,445 The Westies will then spill their story 129 00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:48,699 on account of Danza's, uh, neighborhood wise-guy charisma. 130 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:51,369 - Danza's the perfect plan-za. - Mm. 131 00:06:51,452 --> 00:06:52,745 I love it. I love it. 132 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:55,081 I would change it slightly and maybe not do it. 133 00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:58,584 And instead, surprise them with a ding-dong. 134 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:02,255 - Wh-What…? - Uh, say more about the ding-dong. 135 00:07:02,338 --> 00:07:06,134 In soapy TV, a "ding-dong" is a-a sexy surprise. 136 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:08,886 It's like a-a long-lost brother returns, 137 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:11,264 or, uh, your paralyzed uncle 138 00:07:11,347 --> 00:07:13,349 starts to walk again after 40 years. 139 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,851 Y-You're overthinking it. 140 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,937 One of them snapped, killed Dudenoff, and the others are covering for 'em. 141 00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:19,439 All we need to do is get them talking. 142 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:21,524 I say that we invite the Westies 143 00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:24,110 to a celebrity-studded… 144 00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:26,487 super-sized game of Oh Hell at Oliver's. 145 00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:27,822 That's good. 146 00:07:27,905 --> 00:07:30,199 Right. Our own turf. The key is to remain calm. 147 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:33,161 Well, having precise control of our emotions 148 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:35,163 is what actors do best. 149 00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:36,873 Yeah, the question is can you three do it? 150 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:38,916 First of all, I am an actor! 151 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,042 Well, let's not go crazy. 152 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:43,838 But also, I'm entirely capable of catching the killer of my dear friend 153 00:07:43,921 --> 00:07:46,883 who only wanted to open a trampoline park so young… 154 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,473 I need to lie down. 155 00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:59,228 Where the fuck is my bedroom? 156 00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:03,983 I hope Charles can hold it together. 157 00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:07,445 Confronting a friend's killer just brings up a lotta shit. 158 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,869 Oh, sorry. Just tightening my pores 159 00:08:14,952 --> 00:08:18,915 with the Lady Longoria 19-in-1 Multitool. 160 00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:20,500 This is the infrared setting. 161 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,293 Yeah, it's also a nail gun, 162 00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:25,296 has a Phillips head, and a vibrating head. 163 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,926 - Hello? - Hi! 164 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,720 Oh, hey, baby. It's my fiancée. 165 00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:35,806 We're getting married this weekend! 166 00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:37,683 Hello, my darling love. 167 00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:38,768 This weekend? 168 00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:41,854 I know, he's a little old to have a shotgun wedding. 169 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:44,941 Yeah. More like a musket wedding. 170 00:08:47,443 --> 00:08:48,694 Where did he go? 171 00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:53,032 Hey, look, it's also a recorder. 172 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,833 It has auto-tune. You wanna try it? 173 00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,920 Uh, don't… Definitely don't wanna touch that. 174 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:09,924 - Yeah. Okay. - Yeah. 175 00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:12,176 No, no, honey. I-I will… I will handle it all. 176 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,303 - I can't believe we're here. - I know. It's exciting. 177 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,763 Uh, no, I'll, I'll make the arrangements. 178 00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,431 Okay, I love you, too. Goodbye. 179 00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:20,935 Hey, that's my seat. 180 00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,896 Oh! Of course it is. 181 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,815 I, uh, I keep forgetting. 182 00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:28,693 - Okay. - We getting married this weekend? 183 00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:29,986 I am. 184 00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,488 Please don't tell me you're gonna do it at a courthouse. 185 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,449 Weddings demand spectacle. 186 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:38,286 Music, speeches, AK-47s shot right up in the air. 187 00:09:38,369 --> 00:09:40,413 Zach, I didn't realize you were a fellow romantic. 188 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:43,749 Weddings are the most important part of a marriage. 189 00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:45,334 My wife and I get married quarterly. 190 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:48,129 The venue sets the tone for your life together. 191 00:09:48,212 --> 00:09:50,464 When we want playfulness, we get married at the beach. 192 00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,341 If we've been fighting, then… 193 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,343 it's at the site of an important armistice. 194 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,929 Yalta, Potsdam, Camp David. 195 00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:59,348 We needed a lot of those. 196 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,935 - Well, Loretta said a courthouse is fine. - Oh, she's right. It's perfect 197 00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:04,604 'cause you'll be right back there for the divorce. 198 00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:06,772 - Zach? - Yes. 199 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:09,191 - We're rehearsing scene 13. - Which one is that one? 200 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,986 The one where Oliver explains why his previous marriage failed. 201 00:10:12,069 --> 00:10:13,446 Oh. 202 00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,452 Are you okay, Charles? 203 00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:22,913 I-I don't think I've ever seen you angry. 204 00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:26,500 And to be honest, it would layer my performance if I could, uh, 205 00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:28,753 see what it looks like. 206 00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:31,005 Well, uh, yes, I am angry. And no, 207 00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:33,007 uh, you'll not see what it looks like 208 00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:35,676 because it's not socially acceptable. 209 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,303 Eugene, you wanna practice flipping omelets? 210 00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:39,805 Oh, the infamous omelet bit. Yeah, yeah. Good. Thanks. 211 00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:41,182 I'll, uh, practice. Anyway, 212 00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:44,060 I'm curious. I mean, a-are-are you a yeller? 213 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,562 - Do you get violent? - Oh, no. Worse. 214 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,814 But it hasn't happened in decades because of my 215 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:51,275 emotion suppression technique, 216 00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:55,071 which involves breathing and a lot of, 217 00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,156 uh, room straightening. 218 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,420 There you go. 219 00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:15,132 This bother you? 220 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,636 - No. - This bother you? 221 00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,598 - No. - Does this bother you? 222 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,141 Why are you doing that? 223 00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:25,601 Does this… 224 00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:38,906 Okay, they'll be here any minute. 225 00:11:38,989 --> 00:11:41,367 Now, I know we're all running hot. We have a podcast, 226 00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:43,953 two murders, a wedding, 227 00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:45,204 but we're gonna stay calm. 228 00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:47,415 Well, we can stay calm way more than you can stay calm. 229 00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:50,042 - It's not a competition. - It's now a competition. 230 00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:52,795 I've set my sphincter to clenching, 231 00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,297 unclenching, re-clenching. 232 00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:57,383 - It's them. It's them. - Okay. Okay. 233 00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,679 Maybe I could throw together a wedding booze cruise. 234 00:12:01,762 --> 00:12:03,347 That's the blueprint you want for your marriage? 235 00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,182 You're freezing, you end up nowhere, 236 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:06,600 and the maid of honor fucks the skipper? 237 00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:10,771 - Come on, come on, come on. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 238 00:12:17,194 --> 00:12:19,029 Oh, hell-o! 239 00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:22,032 We brought snacks. 240 00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,452 Can't play cards without jamón! 241 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:26,162 That's right, mami. 242 00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:27,705 Okay. Well, thanks, guys, for coming. 243 00:12:27,788 --> 00:12:29,540 We figured we'd host since it's a big group. 244 00:12:29,623 --> 00:12:32,376 Ah, please. Any friends of yours are friends of ours. 245 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,712 Especially if they're Hollywood stars. 246 00:12:34,795 --> 00:12:37,465 You can't tell 'cause of the eye patch, 247 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,508 but I'm winking playfully. 248 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:43,429 Let's go. 249 00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:46,515 We know you know about the checks. 250 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,601 Give us your phones now! 251 00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:06,494 - So, what's your move now, Vince? - You're gonna sit there, 252 00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:08,537 you're gonna listen to our story. 253 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,456 Okay, everyone on my team, stay calm. 254 00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:13,959 Although killers do always tell you their story before they kill you. 255 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:18,464 They're gonna try to humanize themselves with long origin stories. 256 00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:20,841 Exactly. Like if we had gone through that, 257 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,802 we would've killed and eaten Dudenoff, too. 258 00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:25,262 - We didn't eat him. - Yeah, but you killed him, right? 259 00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:29,099 Okay. So, 260 00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,894 Dudenoff used to come to our restaurant. 261 00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:35,397 Milton and his wife were regulars, until she passed. 262 00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,942 Then, he started ordering in. 263 00:13:38,025 --> 00:13:41,445 And when we were understaffed, we delivered to him on our way home. 264 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,614 Oh, hell! 265 00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:45,908 He looked so alone in his little studio. 266 00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:49,453 He invited us in. We started playing cards. 267 00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:52,039 Oh Hell on Friday nights. 268 00:13:52,122 --> 00:13:53,874 It started to become a regular thing. 269 00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:56,085 - Please, please. - Okay. So, the, uh, 270 00:13:56,168 --> 00:14:00,130 the secret ingredient here is Jamón Ibérico. 271 00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:03,717 - Oh, well, nobody makes it like you do. - Oh, thank you. 272 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,594 Our dream, actually, is to, uh, 273 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:08,639 start our own line of sauces. And I-I know this sounds crazy, 274 00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:11,183 but Tony Danza would be an investor. 275 00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:13,519 So, you killed him 276 00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:18,399 because he didn't deliver the last piece of the dream? 277 00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:20,317 Don't say Tony Danza. 278 00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,236 Sauce Dad said it first! 279 00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:23,904 - We didn't kill him! - Never. 280 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:25,781 - Yeah. We definitely did not kill him. - We loved him. 281 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,409 - Then, Crazy Rudy killed him. - Crazy? Me? 282 00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,874 I don't know why I keep replacing the battery. 283 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,376 Lovely. 284 00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:40,588 I met Professor Dudenoff eight years ago. 285 00:14:40,671 --> 00:14:42,214 I was trying to be an actor, 286 00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:45,009 I was holding down five jobs, and I signed up for his class. 287 00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:46,510 I remember my first acting class. 288 00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:47,928 It was a film class. 289 00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:51,015 It was in a closet of a basement of a subway stop. 290 00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,975 Most of my scene partners were sex workers. 291 00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,311 Okay. 292 00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:59,148 One day, we watched A Few Good Men in Professor Dudenoff's class. 293 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:01,609 I ran up to him afterwards on the street, and I said, 294 00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:05,112 I'd studied a monologue from that film for my previous class. 295 00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:07,740 He asked me to do it, and I did. 296 00:15:07,823 --> 00:15:10,743 I did the whole thing, right there at the bus stop. 297 00:15:10,826 --> 00:15:13,037 - It went something like this. - Oh… 298 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,788 "You want answers?" "I think I'm entitled." 299 00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:16,665 "You want answers?" "I want the truth!" 300 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,834 "You can't handle the truth! 301 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,336 "Son, we live in a world that has walls, 302 00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,379 "and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. 303 00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:23,464 "Who's gonna do it? You? 304 00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:25,132 "You, Lieutenant Weinberg? 305 00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:26,258 I have a greater respons…" 306 00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:28,218 I-I'm sorry. Are you gonna do the whole monologue? 307 00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:31,221 Yeah, I was gonna do the whole thing. I think it's worth it. 308 00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:35,601 "I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom! 309 00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:37,227 "You weep for Santiago… Saves lives… 310 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:41,106 "My existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. 311 00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:42,775 "You don't want the truth because, deep down, 312 00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:44,818 "in places you don't talk about at parties, 313 00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:46,654 "you want me on that wall! 314 00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:48,322 "You need me on that wall… 315 00:15:48,405 --> 00:15:50,449 "Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. 316 00:15:50,532 --> 00:15:54,203 Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!" 317 00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:56,580 "Did you order the code red?" "I did the job." 318 00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:59,333 "Did you order the code red?" "You're goddamn right I did!" 319 00:15:59,416 --> 00:16:02,628 Oh… Oh, that was wonderful. 320 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:04,922 I blew his socks off. 321 00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:08,425 And he invited me back to his place at the Arconia. 322 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,511 - That's my jam. - And this? What's this? 323 00:16:10,594 --> 00:16:12,596 Uh, that is a ham radio. 324 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,139 What do you do with a ham radio? 325 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:17,101 No, it's just… it's just a hobby, you know? A-And a very… 326 00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:19,603 Of course, I got my own ham radio. 327 00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:21,271 And ultimately, we all did. 328 00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,440 And Professor Dudenoff looked at me. 329 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,817 He said… 330 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,944 You know, you're really very good, Rudy. 331 00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:28,904 Thank you. That… 332 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:29,989 That means a lot to me. 333 00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:34,660 Let me ask you somethin'. 334 00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:38,330 If your life were a movie, 335 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,917 what would be your happy ending? 336 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,461 And that's when he touched your Santa sack, 337 00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:45,629 and you had your "happy ending." 338 00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,423 - Eva! - What? 339 00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:49,550 No! I said I wanted to stay in the city, 340 00:16:49,633 --> 00:16:51,885 keep performing, keep trying, 341 00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:55,431 and live with fewer roommates who use towels as toilet paper. 342 00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:57,933 That was my dream. 343 00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:01,020 So, Charles, that leaves 344 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:02,771 your "friend" Vince. 345 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:05,941 He exposed you to pink eye, and what did you get? 346 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,443 Lies! 347 00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:08,902 And, likely, pink eye. 348 00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:12,031 Come on, doesn't that make you… angry? 349 00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:16,243 Oh, I'm fine. 350 00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:17,411 I'm suppressing, 351 00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:19,580 and I'm suppressing, and suppressing, 352 00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:21,665 and I'm… good. 353 00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:25,502 Alright. Since none of you seem 354 00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:27,963 to be on the verge of a psychotic break. 355 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:30,841 Before my wife died, she made me promise 356 00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:33,719 that I wouldn't turn into one of those weird lonely old men. 357 00:17:33,802 --> 00:17:35,596 Now, we both loved movies, 358 00:17:35,679 --> 00:17:38,849 so when I saw Professor Dudenoff's flyer for his film class, 359 00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:42,978 I thought that this way was her way of telling me to go out and make friends. 360 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,564 But, oh, those kids… 361 00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:56,617 You know, the reason 362 00:17:56,700 --> 00:18:02,623 It's A Wonderful Life is timeless comes down to one thing. 363 00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:06,502 Casting. You know, 364 00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:09,588 if you can populate your story 365 00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:11,799 with the right people, 366 00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,718 your work will live forever. 367 00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:17,429 Sorry, but the movie isn't timeless. 368 00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,223 It's pro-capitalist gaslighting! 369 00:18:19,306 --> 00:18:20,891 George Bailey's life still sucks, 370 00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:23,477 - and Potter just gets away with it. - No! 371 00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:26,021 No, you missed the point! 372 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,607 George ends up with his family. Potter's all alone. 373 00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:30,776 I like being alone. 374 00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:33,862 Well, excuse me, Mr. Life Experience. 375 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:35,823 But being really alone? 376 00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:39,952 There's nothing worse. You don't smile, you don't laugh, 377 00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:42,996 you stop caring about what food tastes like 'cause… 378 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,709 you still wake up alone again without her. 379 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:48,794 Every class… 380 00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:51,088 But Dudenoff, him I liked. 381 00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:53,590 "…hates poor people. This movie hates trees." 382 00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:55,259 Why do they have to be so mad all the time? 383 00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:57,928 - This world's a dumpster fire. - It sure is. 384 00:18:58,011 --> 00:19:00,472 In this city, you know, kid, 385 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:04,685 you can't even afford an apartment unless Mommy and Daddy pay for it. 386 00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:08,105 And why can't a movie just be a movie? 387 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,234 Jack Lemmon in The Apartment. I-I-I didn't know that… 388 00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,736 And he invited me to join his weekly card game. 389 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,196 I-I feel empathetic. 390 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,782 I had no idea why he knew we'd click… 391 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,578 …but we did. 392 00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:25,747 His wife had been a music teacher. Back when the city was cheap, 393 00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:28,208 whenever a unit would open up on their floor, 394 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:31,461 they would grab it. You know, she'd use it for music classes or, 395 00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:35,007 you know, uh, let a kid stay there if he was going through tough times. 396 00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:36,758 But with her gone, 397 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:41,013 Professor Dudenoff was living amid, um, an empty hallway. 398 00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:44,057 He just couldn't bear to give up those apartments. 399 00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:48,353 And one night, after many hours of Oh Hell, 400 00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:54,234 he decided that he wasn't going to turn into 401 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:57,321 one of those weird lonely old men. 402 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,866 He broke the law for us, 403 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:04,369 so that we could have a chance at our dreams. 404 00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,163 But he had a dream, too. 405 00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:07,623 To live in Portugal. 406 00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,167 And he left. And, no, 407 00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:14,213 - we haven't heard from him since. - And, yes, 408 00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:16,673 we've been keeping up the ruse and… 409 00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,218 cashing his checks. 410 00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:21,887 So that's the whole thing? 411 00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:25,015 Yeah, we could do it again if you like. I could do a comedy version if you want… 412 00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:28,185 - Thank you. - Oh God, no. 413 00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:30,479 Okay, I think we're done here. 414 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,481 Not yet. 415 00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:35,692 It's ding-dong time. 416 00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:38,111 You pulled a ding-dong? 417 00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:39,446 It was a good idea. 418 00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:47,120 Helga? 419 00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:49,706 What are you doing here? 420 00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:52,709 Mabel reached out on the ham radio. 421 00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:54,920 I'm here to tell the truth. 422 00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:58,173 We can't handle the truth. 423 00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:05,847 You're Helga? 424 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,891 I imagined you toothless with a club. 425 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:10,227 Disregard him, Helga. 426 00:21:10,310 --> 00:21:13,230 His brain is covered with plaque. Please go on. 427 00:21:14,314 --> 00:21:17,859 I-I first met Dudenoff when I'd just become a locksmith, 428 00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:19,653 which was my childhood dream. 429 00:21:19,736 --> 00:21:20,737 Wait? Really? 430 00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:24,116 No. Do I look like a locksmith? I'm hot. 431 00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:27,995 So, my father died and left me the business. 432 00:21:28,745 --> 00:21:32,249 He was all I had until I met Dudenoff. 433 00:21:41,216 --> 00:21:43,051 You know, it's before your time, 434 00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:44,636 but that's the theme song to… 435 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,180 It's Perfect Strangers, yes? I know. 436 00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:48,640 Yes. 437 00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:51,268 - Yeah. - You know, I've never met anyone 438 00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:52,978 who loses their keys this often. 439 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:57,482 Some people your age put it on a retractable belt… 440 00:21:57,566 --> 00:22:00,527 It's not dementia. I always lose my keys. I… 441 00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:04,614 My wife used to let me in, but… 442 00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:11,538 Okay! 443 00:22:11,621 --> 00:22:13,290 - Ah, look at that. - So, uh, 444 00:22:13,373 --> 00:22:16,001 what is a code that someone your age can remember? 445 00:22:17,919 --> 00:22:20,630 How about, um, 446 00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:21,798 "Oh Hell"? 447 00:22:22,382 --> 00:22:24,051 Wait, like the card game? 448 00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:25,802 - You know it? - My father and I 449 00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:27,554 used to play all the time. 450 00:22:27,637 --> 00:22:29,556 I haven't since he died. 451 00:22:30,140 --> 00:22:31,850 I'm sorry, 452 00:22:31,933 --> 00:22:34,186 you just look so much like him. 453 00:22:34,269 --> 00:22:35,896 Except, uh, he was tall. 454 00:22:35,979 --> 00:22:38,023 And blonde. And hot. 455 00:22:40,692 --> 00:22:43,278 Oh Hell and Perfect Strangers. 456 00:22:44,321 --> 00:22:45,572 Huh… 457 00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:49,368 You know, uh, 458 00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:51,661 we have this little card game Friday nights. 459 00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:53,663 And that is how I met the gang. 460 00:22:53,747 --> 00:22:56,208 - Why not? - Mm! Mm! 461 00:22:56,291 --> 00:22:58,835 Yeah, I was there, too. 462 00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:01,129 I'm sure they didn't mention that. 463 00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:03,298 - Wow. - Yeah! 464 00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,634 At first, they were the nicest group of people 465 00:23:05,717 --> 00:23:07,761 I had met in New York City, 466 00:23:07,844 --> 00:23:10,764 a place I'd always wanted to call home. 467 00:23:10,847 --> 00:23:13,350 Helga, so where do you live, honey? 468 00:23:13,433 --> 00:23:15,060 Uh, it's a wonderful little hovel. 469 00:23:15,143 --> 00:23:17,270 It's only 85 train stops away. 470 00:23:17,354 --> 00:23:18,814 You'd love it. 471 00:23:18,897 --> 00:23:21,733 Then, he gave us these nice cheap apartments, 472 00:23:21,817 --> 00:23:24,152 and he turned a bunch of perfect strangers 473 00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:26,655 into a family. 474 00:23:26,738 --> 00:23:28,740 But a few years later… 475 00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:32,244 …he was gone. 476 00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:38,208 Said he felt bad doing it in a note, 477 00:23:38,291 --> 00:23:40,836 but he'd had enough of goodbyes. 478 00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:42,129 He was off to Portugal. 479 00:23:42,879 --> 00:23:46,925 After helping us with our dreams, he wanted to live his. 480 00:23:51,805 --> 00:23:55,642 I knew the power only surged when the old incinerator was used, 481 00:23:55,725 --> 00:23:58,645 but I didn't suspect anything. Yet… 482 00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:03,483 Suddenly, we all went from talking every day to nothing. 483 00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:05,235 Total silence. 484 00:24:05,318 --> 00:24:07,654 And then, your podcast started. 485 00:24:07,737 --> 00:24:09,406 One thing was for sure. 486 00:24:09,489 --> 00:24:12,075 Someone in the Arconia was hiding something. 487 00:24:12,159 --> 00:24:14,828 A homicidal freak who poisoned a perfect, 488 00:24:14,911 --> 00:24:16,329 if gassy, dog. 489 00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:20,167 Everyone was acting so secretive. 490 00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:21,251 Helga! 491 00:24:21,334 --> 00:24:23,003 I listened to the podcast. 492 00:24:23,086 --> 00:24:24,880 All those unexplained things 493 00:24:24,963 --> 00:24:27,257 someone in the building was doing to scare you. 494 00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:31,595 What if it was them trying to cover up what they had done? 495 00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:33,263 Let's play cards. 496 00:24:33,346 --> 00:24:35,682 And I started to wonder. 497 00:24:37,851 --> 00:24:38,935 Please. 498 00:24:39,019 --> 00:24:41,730 Why did the power surge that night? 499 00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:45,775 I couldn't prove they had anything to do with Dudenoff's disappearance, 500 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,154 but I knew in my bones 501 00:24:49,237 --> 00:24:50,822 I had to move out. 502 00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:52,032 They killed him! 503 00:24:52,115 --> 00:24:53,492 We didn't! 504 00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:56,411 - No, no! He went to Portugal. - Dead men don't send ham! 505 00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:58,413 Then, what's this? 506 00:24:58,497 --> 00:24:59,956 I can't see. 507 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:01,958 I actually don't know. What is that? 508 00:25:02,042 --> 00:25:04,294 Dudenoff's prosthetic shoulder. 509 00:25:04,377 --> 00:25:07,506 It was in the incinerator. You killed and burned him that night. 510 00:25:07,589 --> 00:25:09,966 And when Sazz figured it out, you killed and burned her, too. 511 00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:12,802 And when we tried to look into that, you tried to kill me! 512 00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:15,722 Yeah, another way to put that is you actually shot me. 513 00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:18,308 What are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? 514 00:25:18,391 --> 00:25:19,851 These people are murderers! 515 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:24,314 I'm tired of being the nice guy here with no temper! 516 00:25:24,397 --> 00:25:26,816 I'm a Canadian man connected 517 00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:29,194 to his rage right now! 518 00:25:29,277 --> 00:25:32,447 And God, it feels so good! 519 00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:35,951 Charles, tantrum with me. 520 00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:37,661 No, no, no. 521 00:25:37,744 --> 00:25:40,664 They incinerated your friend, Charles. 522 00:25:40,747 --> 00:25:44,000 - And then plied you with word games… - No. No. No. 523 00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:46,545 …from the New York Times! 524 00:25:54,177 --> 00:25:55,845 So far, I'm underwhelmed. 525 00:25:58,557 --> 00:25:59,933 Uh-huh… 526 00:26:00,016 --> 00:26:02,310 Yes. Interesting. 527 00:26:02,394 --> 00:26:04,312 Is this how I find out he's a mime? 528 00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:06,815 No, no, no. We can't hear him, but I'm so tuned into his character, 529 00:26:06,898 --> 00:26:09,693 I can feel his words. He's saying… 530 00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:13,863 …"These people killed Sazz! 531 00:26:14,739 --> 00:26:17,576 "I am steamed… and put out! 532 00:26:18,118 --> 00:26:20,453 - To some degree." - Oh, the hell with this! 533 00:26:20,537 --> 00:26:22,330 Gimme that! Helga! 534 00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:26,626 You're not the only one who got a note the night that Dudenoff died. 535 00:26:26,710 --> 00:26:27,711 Now, everybody, 536 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,714 come with me! 537 00:26:41,516 --> 00:26:43,518 We all got notes that night. 538 00:26:44,477 --> 00:26:46,479 Only ours were different. 539 00:26:49,065 --> 00:26:51,943 "You are cordially invited to my funeral. 540 00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:54,237 Midnight, in the basement. Don't tell Helga." 541 00:26:55,530 --> 00:26:57,741 - What the fuck? - Funeral? 542 00:26:57,824 --> 00:26:59,492 I don't like it. 543 00:26:59,576 --> 00:27:01,661 Come on. Let's go. 544 00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:04,539 Come on, come on. 545 00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:18,678 Hey! Milton, what's going on? 546 00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:21,931 Hey… Okay… 547 00:27:22,015 --> 00:27:24,392 Hey, can I just talk? Can I? 548 00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:25,644 - Yeah. - Of course. 549 00:27:25,727 --> 00:27:27,103 Uh, so, 550 00:27:27,187 --> 00:27:30,565 you know I'm always saying a movie is only as good as its cast? 551 00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:34,736 Now, I'm just a teacher. I never got to make… 552 00:27:35,362 --> 00:27:36,613 my own movie. 553 00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:38,740 But I'll tell you this. 554 00:27:38,823 --> 00:27:41,660 If our lives were a movie… 555 00:27:43,453 --> 00:27:45,580 I cast the shit outta this one. 556 00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:51,628 Professor, what exactly are we doing here? 557 00:27:52,295 --> 00:27:54,297 Well, uh… 558 00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:57,467 I-I have some medical news. 559 00:27:57,550 --> 00:27:59,552 Um… 560 00:28:00,679 --> 00:28:02,263 I'm an old guy, so, you know, 561 00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:05,350 it's not like Terms of Endearment sad or anything, 562 00:28:05,433 --> 00:28:08,144 but, you know, I… Uh… 563 00:28:08,228 --> 00:28:10,021 they tell me I've, uh, only got a few months. 564 00:28:10,105 --> 00:28:11,648 And so… 565 00:28:11,731 --> 00:28:15,402 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, you know, when I'm gone… 566 00:28:17,445 --> 00:28:20,657 …uh, this building, they're gonna swoop in and, 567 00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:24,369 you know, tear our cast apart. But, 568 00:28:24,452 --> 00:28:26,663 I have a workaround. 569 00:28:26,746 --> 00:28:28,248 And, uh… 570 00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:34,504 and it's that you will all keep me alive. 571 00:28:36,089 --> 00:28:37,841 W-Well, I mean, actually no 572 00:28:37,924 --> 00:28:41,428 'cause I've just taken a hell of a lot of pills. 573 00:28:42,804 --> 00:28:45,014 I want you, tonight, 574 00:28:45,098 --> 00:28:47,517 to put my body in the incinerator! 575 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,477 Yes! Yes! 576 00:28:49,561 --> 00:28:53,189 And then, I want you to cash my social security checks, 577 00:28:53,273 --> 00:28:56,276 and I want you to tell everybody I just moved to Portugal. 578 00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:01,156 And you… 579 00:29:01,239 --> 00:29:03,158 you can't tell Helga. 580 00:29:03,992 --> 00:29:07,120 I'm just gonna record a message, you know, in case, uh, 581 00:29:07,746 --> 00:29:11,040 you know, she finds out, and then, she won't blame you. 582 00:29:11,124 --> 00:29:12,375 - We can call an ambulance. - Yeah… 583 00:29:12,459 --> 00:29:14,961 No, come on, let me do this. Just let… Just let me do this. 584 00:29:16,713 --> 00:29:19,132 Please. And then, you know, afterwards, 585 00:29:19,215 --> 00:29:21,092 then let's just all hug and shit, okay? 586 00:29:21,676 --> 00:29:23,303 Hey, so, Vince, come on. 587 00:29:24,971 --> 00:29:27,182 Chop, chop. Let's shoot this thing. 588 00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:30,059 Come on. One take. 589 00:29:33,646 --> 00:29:35,565 It's okay. 590 00:29:35,648 --> 00:29:36,983 It's okay. It's okay. 591 00:29:50,747 --> 00:29:53,541 Hey, Helga. I know you're angry. 592 00:29:54,626 --> 00:29:57,045 But, you know, you had such a, uh, 593 00:29:57,128 --> 00:30:00,423 hard time bouncing back after your dad that I-I had this… 594 00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:04,260 stupid thought that maybe I could… 595 00:30:04,344 --> 00:30:06,846 shield you from another death. 596 00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:08,681 But, if you're watching this, 597 00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:11,267 then, you know, my master plan has gone to hell. 598 00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:14,020 And, hopefully, I haven't. 599 00:30:14,687 --> 00:30:17,106 What can a guy do but try, right? 600 00:30:17,190 --> 00:30:19,192 Here's looking at you, kid. 601 00:30:25,657 --> 00:30:28,284 We're so sorry, baby. 602 00:30:28,368 --> 00:30:31,663 Yeah. It's, uh, it's what he wanted, 603 00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:32,872 to keep us all together. 604 00:30:33,748 --> 00:30:35,124 Move on back in with us. 605 00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:37,001 - Please. - Please. 606 00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:40,463 It is the only place in New York where I can have a pig. 607 00:30:40,547 --> 00:30:42,465 Wait. 608 00:30:42,549 --> 00:30:45,718 Helga's not Rudy's ex-girlfriend? 609 00:30:45,802 --> 00:30:47,011 That was another lie? 610 00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:49,472 Yeah, in addition to setting a human on fire, 611 00:30:49,556 --> 00:30:51,558 we also lied about me having a girlfriend. 612 00:30:51,641 --> 00:30:53,142 May God have mercy. 613 00:31:04,362 --> 00:31:06,322 So, these are not murderers. 614 00:31:06,948 --> 00:31:08,157 No, but… 615 00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:10,201 we've got one hell of a podcast. 616 00:31:10,285 --> 00:31:12,829 And, yes, 617 00:31:12,912 --> 00:31:15,999 we've been keeping up the ruse and cashing his checks. 618 00:31:16,082 --> 00:31:17,208 Oh God. We're going to jail. 619 00:31:18,501 --> 00:31:19,794 Well… 620 00:31:19,878 --> 00:31:21,838 No, you're not. 621 00:31:21,921 --> 00:31:26,175 Guys, we used to be three lonely weirdos living in the Arconia. 622 00:31:27,552 --> 00:31:30,805 The podcast brought us together. I don't wanna use it to tear them apart. 623 00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:34,142 Bless you. 624 00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:39,772 So, humanity's more important to you than the podcast? 625 00:31:39,856 --> 00:31:41,149 - What a revelation. - Hmm. 626 00:31:43,401 --> 00:31:47,155 Okay, what if it's not three losers, but, like, a family of losers 627 00:31:47,238 --> 00:31:50,617 who wants to make the world a better place before two of them die? 628 00:31:51,117 --> 00:31:52,577 That's one way to look at it. 629 00:31:52,660 --> 00:31:53,661 Yeah. Well, I have more. 630 00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:55,079 - You wanna hear more? - No thanks. 631 00:31:55,163 --> 00:31:57,332 Speaking of family, I should tell you 632 00:31:58,249 --> 00:32:00,293 that I had my assistant's assistant 633 00:32:00,376 --> 00:32:02,879 book you a wedding atop… 634 00:32:02,962 --> 00:32:05,882 the Empire State Building, encircled by a fleet of hot air balloons. 635 00:32:05,965 --> 00:32:07,842 - No, no. I… - Don't worry. I-'m gonna… 636 00:32:07,926 --> 00:32:09,385 I'll pay for it. 637 00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:12,680 I wish I could tell you this gives me joy, but it doesn't. 638 00:32:13,681 --> 00:32:15,683 You are not the romantic I thought you were, 639 00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:18,269 and I don't know how I'm gonna play you 640 00:32:18,353 --> 00:32:20,355 or respect you. 641 00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:23,066 So, here we are. 642 00:32:23,149 --> 00:32:25,652 Well, thank you, Zachary, for those… 643 00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:27,779 lovely words. But, 644 00:32:27,862 --> 00:32:31,491 Loretta and I shall marry here, in the Arconia. 645 00:32:31,991 --> 00:32:33,785 This is where we fell in love, 646 00:32:35,036 --> 00:32:36,704 and I want a marriage 647 00:32:36,788 --> 00:32:39,332 where we fall in love every day 648 00:32:39,415 --> 00:32:42,126 for the rest of our very long lives. 649 00:32:43,461 --> 00:32:44,921 You… 650 00:32:45,004 --> 00:32:47,048 adorable baloney loaf. 651 00:32:47,131 --> 00:32:48,800 You… 652 00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:51,386 beautiful bitchy… 653 00:32:51,469 --> 00:32:54,013 baloney loaf. 654 00:32:54,097 --> 00:32:55,723 Do you know what a baloney loaf is? 655 00:32:55,807 --> 00:32:56,808 Uh… 656 00:33:00,603 --> 00:33:02,522 You are a romantic. 657 00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:07,610 You got me in touch with my emotions. Thank you. 658 00:33:08,486 --> 00:33:10,780 Well, it was an honor playing a small part 659 00:33:10,863 --> 00:33:13,241 in bringing out your true self. 660 00:33:13,324 --> 00:33:15,868 And Charles, I won't alienate your audience 661 00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:18,746 by putting any of it on film. 662 00:33:23,042 --> 00:33:24,544 - Bye. - Bye. 663 00:33:25,211 --> 00:33:26,212 Bye. 664 00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:29,841 You good? 665 00:33:29,924 --> 00:33:31,634 Yeah, I'm good. 666 00:33:35,263 --> 00:33:38,933 Whether or not everyone makes it back to shore in the movie Lifeboat… 667 00:33:45,106 --> 00:33:47,108 …I'll leave for you to discover. 668 00:33:48,609 --> 00:33:52,697 But what the film is really about is found families, 669 00:33:52,780 --> 00:33:55,283 fighting together for their survival 670 00:33:55,366 --> 00:33:58,703 in waters that can be really tough to get through 671 00:33:58,786 --> 00:34:00,204 if you're all alone. 672 00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:14,552 In the end, there was no murder in the West Tower. 673 00:34:14,635 --> 00:34:16,721 Just a guy who moved to Portugal 674 00:34:16,804 --> 00:34:19,390 and made a family out of strangers. 675 00:34:19,474 --> 00:34:21,059 Well, found family, 676 00:34:21,142 --> 00:34:25,521 we buried a great podcast story and are back to square one. 677 00:34:27,940 --> 00:34:31,903 Why can't we ever get a ding-dong when we run out of leads? 678 00:34:33,446 --> 00:34:35,448 Oh! A knock-knock ding-dong! 679 00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:41,204 Think he's got any Gut Milk in there? 680 00:34:41,287 --> 00:34:43,790 I already checked the fridge. He just has beer. 681 00:34:43,873 --> 00:34:45,917 Look who's here. 682 00:34:46,584 --> 00:34:49,003 Oh, hey, Helga. I see you got your pig back. 683 00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:52,882 Yes! I'm grateful to the angry man who reluctantly returned her to me. 684 00:34:52,965 --> 00:34:54,133 I think his name is Howard? 685 00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:57,678 I didn't want to bring it up among the reunions, 686 00:34:57,762 --> 00:35:01,307 but I wanted to tell you something about your friend, Sazz. 687 00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,227 Wait. You actually knew her? 688 00:35:04,310 --> 00:35:06,395 Yes. She was on the ham radio, 689 00:35:06,479 --> 00:35:09,357 asking about all these huge plot holes you had in your podcast. 690 00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:11,317 - Not holes. - Oh! 691 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:14,821 You're how Sazz knew about all the West Tower stuff in her notes. 692 00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:16,572 There was another thing though. 693 00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:20,868 She talked about a stuntman on a movie called Project Ronkonkoma. 694 00:35:20,952 --> 00:35:23,287 She said he was her protégé, 695 00:35:23,371 --> 00:35:26,457 but that he had messed up pretty badly and he was harassing her. 696 00:35:26,541 --> 00:35:30,545 She said, "He's dangerous, and he's gonna be the death of me." 697 00:35:31,712 --> 00:35:34,423 - What's Project Ronkonkoma? - Check IMDb. 698 00:35:34,507 --> 00:35:36,509 - That's a website. - I know what IMDb is. 699 00:35:36,592 --> 00:35:38,344 My agent says he's gonna get me on it. 700 00:35:38,427 --> 00:35:40,930 Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma. 701 00:35:41,013 --> 00:35:42,431 Who's the stuntperson? 702 00:35:42,515 --> 00:35:44,642 Is it someone we can talk to? 703 00:35:44,725 --> 00:35:47,436 Not exactly.