Okay, Randall,
today is gonna be a big day of training.
- Years of notes in here. - What's that?
It's nothing. But if a man comes in with a white gardenia,
you don't talk to him. Only me, okay?
You don't wanna get involved. Got it?
Guys, the police report just came in.
Accidental death?
- You're the cuckoo chick! - Cuckoo what?
Lester likened all the tenants to birds.
Why does the shrimp you're holding
have a fingernail?
It looks like there's some sort of green fungus on the nail.
You've heard about my family's ties to criminal activity.
Can you explain what you meant when you said
that your missing husband has everything to do with our building?
We own Clean-Ups, the dry cleaner in the Arconia.
How many guests are we expecting?
Just Althea, Tim, and a few friends from Bayport.
Nicky used to carry these decks around everywhere he went.
There's a map on the back of one of Nicky's cards.
Hello?
George Bernard Shaw once said,
"In gambling, the many must lose
in order that the few may win."
He also said some pro-Stalin things,
and he was kind of anti-cow, which isn't relevant here.
- Mabel, can we cut that? - No.
Okay, great.
At the onset of the 1910s, the rise of the automobile
rendered the horse stables under the Arconia obsolete.
It wasn't long before some of New York's most infamous mobsters
found a new, more lucrative use for the space.
By the 1920s, the mob had secret gaming rooms
all over the city,
and none played host to more power players
than the Velvet Room.
For over a century,
some of the most consequential decisions in the city were made here.
Rumor has it,
this is where the Empire State Building contract was awarded,
where it was decided that bars could stay open until 4:00 a.m.,
and where, at the last second,
it was changed from "Zachary Taylor Island,"
to "Roosevelt Island."
Even as the fashion, decor, and clientele changed over the years,
one constant remained: the mob.
Everyone from Lucky Luciano to John Gotti wielded power
over the five boroughs from this location,
known to an elite few.
And that continues to this day.
I always assumed the Velvet Room was a myth,
but it was right here all along.
How did I miss it?
Well, to be fair, it was down a secret staircase
that only opened with a magic deck of cards.
I wouldn't beat yourself up too much.
You know, this does make for a good opening twist of our podcast.
Should I be videoing? A lot of podcasts
are doing video now.
Do you hear that?
- Is that…? - Oh, my God, oh, my God!
- Oliver, is that you? - Mabel?
Are you okay? What's going on?
I'm in the dry cleaners. I found Nicky Caccimelio.
Oh, great! Can you keep him there?
Shouldn't be too hard.
He's dead!
Does he have all his fingers?
His fingers?
- Ugh! Geez. - Okay, okay, just stay calm,
and meet us at Charles's apartment!
And Oliver, whatever you do, don't touch the body!
The last thing you want is your DNA all over a dead mobster's body.
Ooh!
- Hey, watch where you're going, pal! - Sorry.
- Oh no! - Whoa!
Oh! Wha… What are you doing?
I paid extra for starch, I'll have you know!
Uma, so fun to see you.
Smells like somebody died in here.
You… you truly are the building cut-up.
Have… have you ever tried open mic?
Why are you sweating?
Excuse me?
Why are you sweating?
Oh, I wasn't… I wasn't aware that I'm sweating.
Menopause is tricky, even for us fellas.
I gotta move out of this building.
- Oliver? - What's with the dry cleaning?
Oh, my God, Oliver!
What the hell did you do?
Oh, my God, Oliver!
What part of "don't touch a dead body" did you not understand?
Well, I sneezed on him.
I'm allergic to gardenias and Martinizing.
Look, I-I-I get that this looks…
- Like you've lost your mind. - Like you've committed a felony.
I was gonna go "A bit kooky," but yes, those also work.
Oliver, what did you do?
It's really quite simple. After sneezing,
I had to clean my essence off him,
and then I blacked out, and the next thing I know,
I am pushing a corpse down 86th Street.
And no one noticed you with a dead body, pushing it in a laundry cart?
Oh, please, this is Manhattan, it didn't even crack
the top three weirdest things happening on the block.
But why'd you bring him to my apartment?
Well, I… Obviously, I didn't want a dead body in my apartment.
You only think of yourself. This is so typical you.
I have never brought a dead body to your home.
What is this?
Well, you've implied I've done it before, which I haven't!
Go fuck yourself!
Believe me, I've tried that, it didn't work.
You tried it?
- Guys! - You've tried… What?
Can we focus on what to do with this expired human in front of us?
- Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - He is so dead.
I mean, this is it. This is what we're all gonna look like.
No, no. No, no, not me. I have a signed napkin
from the guy who did makeup on Planet of the Apes,
and Rick told me no matter how mangled it is,
he's gonna make my corpse look like, tops, 35.
I feel faint. I'm woozy.
Do I look woozy? I feel woozy.
Okay, calm down, woozy.
The dry cleaners doesn't open until 7:00.
Whoever put Nicky there is expecting for the body
- to be found tomorrow when they open. - Right, right, right, right.
So, we need to get Oliver's DNA off and put the body back
before they realize we took it. Okay?
- Good plan. Yes. - I hate this.
Now… does anybody know how to clean DNA off a dead body?
Okay, I think I'm off him.
I'm glad I got these wet-naps from the wings place.
- You eat wings? - No, of course not.
But you can't get the wet-naps anywhere else.
Well, at least now we know he has all of his fingers.
Wait.
There's something green under his nails,
just like our shrimp finger.
That's F1 Grade Lachlan felt,
made from the wool of the now-extinct Scottish Dunface sheep.
That's the same felt they have in the Velvet Room downstairs.
- What are you talking… - Well, I used to deal cards
on poker night, and you'd be surprised
how different felts can affect the card slide.
You wanna get a good toss and have the card…
My God, he managed to make gambling boring.
Can we get back to Nicky?
Do we have to call the body by its name?
I mean, you're not even supposed to name lobsters.
Well, his name is the only thing we know about him.
It's kind of weird.
First time we didn't know a victim.
It's easy to guess the kind of guy he was, I suppose.
- Oh, I can't stand to look at him. - What's the matter?
Thinkin' about what your corpse is gonna look like in this apartment?
I'm guessin' you're gonna die alone,
in the bedroom.
Or on the toilet.
Also a popular pick.
Why does this always happen to me?
Or maybe you'll make things really interesting
and die alone in a laundry cart, huh? Twinsies!
Except I didn't die alone.
I got a hot wife.
But I don't gotta tell you about her, do I?
You little perv.
Okay, and this ends this episode of "My Apartment."
- Let's take the body back. - Um…
Really?
Hear me out.
We found the envelope,
so we know that Lester was in the gaming room.
If you're right about the felt, Nicky was in there, too.
And if there's any chance these deaths are linked,
don't you think we owe it to Lester to find out?
Linked? They died a week apart.
He is wearing the same clothes from the day of my wedding.
He could have been dead since then.
Look at his gardenia. It's not wilted.
He died recently.
I agree, something's not adding up.
Look, we handed Lester's body to the cops,
and they called it "an accident."
Are we really gonna do the same thing with Nicky?
I know it's kind of gross, but this is an opportunity
for us to look for clues we'd otherwise never get.
Plus, it'd be good for the podcast.
I mean, I don't think anybody's doing this.
I do love a good "first."
Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a little peek.
We're doing an autopsy?
I said a peek, a little peek!
Okay, yes, yes.
Autopsy step one, cause of death.
Well, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say meat cleaver to the chest.
"Meat cleaver."
Nice.
You know, I always wanted to get gunned down in a toll booth,
Sonny Corleone style.
But that dream went out the window with E-ZPass.
Still, this isn't bad. Better than whatever boring way
you're gonna go out, right, Savage?
Time of death.
"Corpse is Cristy."
That podcast about Cristy Tejas,
the co-ed who died in Corpus Christi, Texas.
Oh, they got so lucky.
The whole case revolved around the time of her death.
Someone's gonna have to check to see if he has rigor mortis.
Mm-hmm.
Fine, I'll do it.
Ah-ha! No rigor mortis.
So, he died in the last few hours.
Or the rigor mortis has already passed and he's limbered up again.
Yeah, it looks like blood has pooled by his ankles.
I don't think that's supposed to happen right away.
Probably a little sauce from that meatball sandwich
I was eating earlier. Oh! Bada-bing!
Seriously, this is how you imagine I speak?
I mean, I know I'm a member of the family,
but I'm personally offended.
I went to Cornell, you know.
Okay, fine, I didn't go to Cornell, but you didn't know that.
Wait.
And there's this white substance on his sleeve.
- Maybe cocaine? - Ooh, let me sniff.
I directed theater in the '80s, I could probably tell you
the exact street in Colombia it came from.
I think it looks like paint.
Yeah.
Gee, I miss cocaine.
I'm sure it misses you too, pal.
No sign of maggots or blowfly eggs.
And I was just getting hungry. Ugh.
Don't "ugh" me.
What, your corpse is too good for maggots,
or whatever those other things this girl said are?
Rope marks. Ooh, this could be a sexy crime.
We probably should check his nipples.
- What's this? - No, not the Sur la Table tongs!
Oh, please don't say maggots. Please don't say maggots.
No, it kinda looks like a burn.
While rigor indicates Nicky's been dead for days,
the decomp level suggests he died recently.
Wow, that was so cool.
I know, I'm giving, like, Meredith Grey vibes.
You seem awfully cheery
about this autopsy.
I know this is weird to say over a dead body,
but I feel like I'm in a really good place in life right now.
You are.
You're doing your first autopsy.
- Your new apartment is really shaping up. - I know.
It feels like I've earned my spot in the building.
And I feel… Oh! Wait, sorry, we still don't have time of death.
Ah-ha! What we need is leftovers.
Charles, what do you have in your fridge?
I think I have some Chinese in the freezer,
- but it's a couple of months… - Perfect!
All my greatest creative breakthroughs have happened
over reheated Chinese food.
What if this is the last thing Lester saw before he died?
- Me, yelling at him about shrimp. - Oliver.
After all he did for me. Am I a narcissist?
No! I mean, just clinically.
What?
Mabel, what's the first word that comes to mind
- when you think of me? - Oh, narcissist.
What the hell?
How am I just learning this at 55?
Look, you can't change the last things you said to Lester,
and you can't change who you are.
We are complex characters. We are flawed heroes.
Flawed dudes. Flawed…
…lucky fuckers.
Sorry, I didn't mean to get philosophical.
Yeah, where is this coming from?
It happens every time I have a dead body in my kitchen.
Hey, buddy.
Ow!
Enjoying Oliver's famous microwaved dumplings?
He managed to make it boiling hot on the outside,
- yet freezer burned on the inside. - Oh, please.
Oliver, you're a genius.
Wow, where was that word two minutes ago?
What if the burn behind Nicky's ear
isn't a regular burn, it's freezer burn?
It would explain why the body hasn't decomposed.
He could have been killed days ago, frozen, and just now thawed.
I'm gonna check his lips to see if they're chapped.
The creative power of Chinese food remains undefeated.
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time
I've had a breakthrough over some moo shu…
Mabel, what the hell are you doing?
It's a piece of paper.
I mean, it's really soggy, but…
Is that the logo of the Arconia?
Nicky had Arconia stationery in his mouth? Why?
Well, we'll add that to our list of questions.
We should start thinking about getting this body back.
It's 6:45 a.m.
We spent all night autopsying?
Damn you, murder, for being so interesting!
Okay, we got this. We'll just make sure
we bring his body back to the dry cleaner's place
- in less than 15. - Okay.
Well, now it's 14 minutes.
Not helping, Charles.
Okay.
Hi.
- Hi. - Alright.
How are you?
- It's Oliver. - Oh, that makes sense.
Just headed to the dry cleaners. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Oh, perfect! Um, I'm in a bit of a time crunch.
Do you mind dropping off these shirts for me?
I can offer you a free therapy session in return.
Oh, that actually would be nice.
My DGA insurance lapsed in the early '80s.
It's me! I stink!
So, let's all just please drop it! Thanks.
- Randall. - Mm-hmm?
The elevator's making that weird humming noise again.
Oh, okay… oh, no! That's… that's bad.
Uh, the sound, is it more like a "eee," or more like a "mmm"?
Okay.
You know what, let me see what Lester had to say about that.
Hey, c-could you do this somewhere else?
- Oh! - Thank you.
Excuse us.
What are you doing?
The ledger that Lester gave him,
it looks like the same paper that we found in Nicky's mouth.
We've gotta get our hands on that.
You two go. I'll… I'll charm it off him.
- Oh, great plan. - Yeah.
Um…
Wait, did he just stick us with a dead body
that he brought here?
He's good. He's very good.
Wait, why is there paparazzi here?
Ugh, they finally found my address.
It's not for you, Charles.
Oh, my God.
- Mabel Mora? - Althea?
What are you…
Actually, it's THĒ now. I shortened it, T-H-Ē.
Isn't that just "The"?
No, it's not, 'cause the "Ē" has, like, the little line thingy above it.
My team thought it would be easier for my fans,
and they were right.
Ever since the name change…
I'm the number one most searched artist on Wondify.
Ah. So brat.
Mabel, I'm gonna… deliver this laundry.
How is that possible?
Oh, 'cause it sounds cool
and mysterious.
And also, anytime anyone searches for a band
that begins with "The," my name comes up first.
It's genius, right?
I mean, you wanna listen to The Beatles?
"THE" comes up.
The Spice Girls? It's "THE" again.
- Yeah. - The Chicks? "THE"!
Thank God I was unaffected by their name change.
But enough about me and my success. How are you, Mabel?
I am great.
- Ah! - And it's so crazy and wild
that I ran into you, but I gotta… better run.
Oh, my God, you haven't changed a bit.
I'll be seeing you all the time. I just bought the penthouse.
I'm sorry, you got a place here in my building?
- Yeah. - Bought, like an investment,
or bought, like you're living here?
Living. And do they allow pets?
'Cause I have an otter, and my last co-op,
they were such dicks about it.
It's Bloody Mabel! Bloody Mabel!
THĒ! Can we get a picture of the two of you?
Come on.
Come on. You'll get used to it. It's fine.
Bloody Mabel! You're amazing!
Really? You're gonna get DNA on me all over again?
Jesus, I thought you guys were supposed to be good at this.
Yeah.
What's he doing now?
Yeah?
Ah, Jesus!
I'm just fucking with you. I'm dead.
The fuck?
Okay, okay.
Just gimme a minute, I-I'll… I can look through the…
Get back, you animals! Back, I say!
You'll all get your waxed jackets and New Yorker totes in due time!
Scatter!
Mm!
Wow.
Thank you, Mr. Putnam.
Oh, no problem, champ.
Randall.
Randall, the Champ.
I just want to, uh, say that you're doing such a great job.
Oh?
Doesn't feel like it.
Oh, you're a natural.
You probably don't even need that.
What even is that?
A ledger. Here, just…
You flatter me, Mr. Putnam. You really do.
You know something?
I wish all the residents were as kind as you.
Oh, I'm not that kind.
Well, you are a friend of doormen.
No, I'm really not, actually.
What are you talking about? You just…
This is the real Oliver Putnam!
Sorry.
And even though, you know, I have my brownstone in the Village,
and my cave upstate, my team advised me
to buy somewhere more boring.
And I was like, "Oh, my God, duh. The Arconia."
It's all old people.
And Mabel.
You still living with your aunt?
Yea… no! Uh, actually, I have my own apartment.
Yeah, it's a studio, but it has everything I need.
A bed, a spot to record my podcast, obviously.
You've never heard of my podcast.
Uh, well, they're making a movie about it, so I don't know.
It might be a big deal, Eva Longoria is playing me.
Oh, wow. I only listen to podcasts to fall asleep.
- What's yours? - Only Murders in the Building.
Are you sure that's what it's called?
'Cause I'm just not seeing it in the top 10.
You might have to click "See More."
Oh, I didn't know that was a thing.
Okay, I'm clicking, I'm scrolling, I'm scrolling…
Number 17, that's great.
Idea.
What if I came on as a guest?
You'd shoot right to the top.
Wow, uh, y…
You know, I don't think we need
any, you know, shooting anywhere.
We're… we're pretty successful.
Totally.
This is my therapist, and she is so needy.
We've been playing phone tag for days, but the offer still stands.
Sandra? Honey, it's okay.
How have you been?
Psst, Mabel. I'm rooting for you.
Trauma's hard, Sandra. We all have it.
"Death Alone"?
Isn't that, uh, Pablo Neruda?
What?
Big scary mob guy can't like poetry?
- Sorry, I just thought that maybe… - You know what's funny?
I spent the last few years thinking about how fuckin' old I am.
And now that I'm dead, everybody's gonna be like,
"Oh, my God, he died so young."
Not sure that would be the case for me.
Well, you better get a move on, pal, because death is definitely coming.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
By the way, why the fuck did I quit smoking?
"There are lone cemeteries…
"tombs full of soundless bones,
"the heart threading a tunnel,
"a dark, dark tunnel.
"Death is drawn to sound.
"Like a slipper without a foot,
"a suit without its wearer, comes to knock with a ring,
stoneless and fingerless."
I thought the body was supposed to be hanging up.
Who cares? Just write up what they said.
Time of death, this morning.
Top suspect, Caputo crime family.
Less we know, the better.
- What the hell was that? - Come out with your hands up!
Hey, we must be hearing things.
Let's get out of here before anyone sees us, alright?
I put Nicky back.
These cops that found him are definitely crooked.
- I think there's a cover-up. - What… Charles, that's huge.
And I'm sorry I left you behind.
No. I enjoyed risking ten years' jail time
in my neighborhood dry cleaners.
But I'm glad you got to catch up with your friend.
She's not my friend.
She… I mean, she used to be my friend, but that ended poorly.
She brings out the worst in me.
Just when I'm feeling good about myself,
she moves into the penthouse.
She's literally looking down on me in my own home.
Screw her! You don't need her.
You got your whole life in front of you.
I, on the other hand, much like Pablo Neruda's poem,
will likely experience "Death Alone."
That's dark. Are you okay?
Yes.
I got it!
Oh, did you use the old Oliver Putnam charm
to get it away from him?
S-Something like that. It's a rich text.
There are notes on all the tenants, birdwatching notes.
There's even a poem about a doorman,
titled "After You."
A journeyman's effort. He tries to rhyme "cough" with "through."
- The missing page. - Wait.
Ooh, money amounts.
"Gun, blind." Oh, this is juicy.
"Brown-headed cowbird, Eurasian jay,
kākāpō, bowerbird."
Are you kidding me, more bird notes?
So, Nicky had a list of birds in his mouth.
But why are they all in a circle with dollar amounts under them?
Well, "gun, blind, river," those are poker terms.
So what, Lester was working on a bird version
of dogs playing poker?
God, this is more embarrassing than the poem.
Lester's wife said he liked comparing people to birds.
So, maybe these are code names
for people he was keeping tabs on?
And those dollar amounts were what they were betting?
Wow, that's a lot.
Ooh, and things are back to being juicy.
Looks like each page is a different week's game.
They play Saturday at midnight,
which means there might be a game tonight.
- We have to go. - It starts at midnight?
I've already gotten up three times to pee by midnight.
Well, figure it out, because the players who were there
the night Nicky and Lester died might be back.
So, I say we go early, find a place to hide,
and see who they are.
Okay, but if we're gonna infiltrate a midnight game
of New York's scariest and most powerful mobsters,
first, we must nap.
- Oh yeah. - Yeah.
Man, you can do this. You can do it, man.
Come on, Randall. You can do it.
You got this.
- Randall? - Um, how may I help…
Oh. Mr. Putnam.
I'm just, uh, returning your ledger.
And I'm… I'm sorry about the misunderstanding earlier.
Well, you ripped it from my hands.
Yes, the misunderstanding was you didn't think I would do that.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah.
No.
The building's falling apart without Lester.
And to be honest, I didn't finish my training with him,
so there's no way I can fill his shoes.
Have I ever told you the story about when Sheena Easton played Moses
in my gender-bending musical twist on The Ten Commandments?
Oh, no, the ledger mentioned this might happen.
So, okay, it was our opening night, and a then-unknown Sheena
was trying to fill the unfillable shoes of Mr. Charlton Heston.
And it… it… it just went horribly wrong. People rioted.
And it definitely didn't have anything to do with the script.
- Hmm. - So, I sat her down,
and I told her, "Sheena-baneena, stop trying to be Chuck
and start trying to be filet mignon."
And from then on, the rest is history.
So, the musical was a success?
I said it was history.
Point is, it's hard to follow a legend,
so stop trying to be Lester.
You can't be somebody you're not.
I still have a lot of follow-up questions about this musical,
but I think I get what you're trying to say.
Thank you, Mr. Putnam.
And I don't care what you say, you're a good guy.
Ah, well, thank you.
And, um, I know this might be hard to believe,
given my boyish good looks, but, uh,
I've actually lived in this building quite a while.
So, if you wanted, I could try and help you
finish some of that training.
- Really? - Yes.
A-Any question you have, please come to me.
Uh, I actually have a bunch of questions. Can we start right now?
No. Right now, I have to take a very important nap.
But, I would say any other time,
I promise, I'm there for ya.
- Thank you, Mr. Putnam. - You got it.
"Death lies in our beds:
"In the lazy mattresses, the black blankets,
"lives a full stretch and then suddenly blows…
"blows sound unknown, filling out the sheets.
"And there are beds sailing into a harbor
"where death is waiting,
dressed as an admiral."
Hi.
Uh, this is anonymous patient General Custer,
and I'm in Dr. Tidyman's trial group, and I'd like to get the next four doses
of 4-8-3-7-6-3-2-8-X-Y-T.
And I run out on Thursday,
so I'd like to get it delivered right away.
General Custer.
It's good we're getting here early.
People get whole new identities to hide from the mafia,
and we're breaking laws to see them.
It's locked.
I discovered it opens with a key card.
Give me that.
Finesse.
Wow!
This was really under the Arconia all these years?
Yes, and Lester and Nicky have both been here.
This room has gotta hold some answers for us.
Wait, wait. They don't look like mobsters.
Those aren't mobsters. They're CEOs.
Oh, right, I recognize them.
He's the one who invented the one thing.
And didn't she go to space with Gayle and Oprah?
Here, I'll Safari it.
H-T-T-P-slash-slash.
You… you don't have to type the "http" part.
Uh, give it here, old man.
- W-W-W… - You don't have to type that either.
Here, I got it.
Okay, so this is tech billionaire Sebastian Steed,
- goes by "Bash." - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what I told you. The guy who invented the thing.
Okay, so the other guy is Jay Pflug.
Heir of the Pflug pharma family.
Oh, they make highly addictive drugs
that ruined a lot of people's lives.
They also make my blood pressure medication, so I'm conflicted.
This is Camila White.
She owns half of New York's hotels.
And God, can she rock a neutral cashmere.
She's like the human incarnation of a Nancy Meyers kitchen.
Guys, guys, they're all billionaires.
This isn't the mob, this is the new mob of New York.
Please tell me you recorded that. Okay.
- I need a drink. - Let's check the bar.
As the city has changed,
so too have those in power.
The "mafia," as we once knew them, may be no more,
but the idea of many losing
in order for an elite few to win has never been more true.
Gone are the velour tracksuits and gold chains,
replaced now by boat shoes and Dogecoin.