1 00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:03,886 So, we've been called out to this hiking trail 2 00:00:03,954 --> 00:00:05,216 because there's some reports 3 00:00:05,288 --> 00:00:08,849 that some teenagers are digging bags of dog poop out of the trash 4 00:00:08,925 --> 00:00:11,155 and having dog poop fights. 5 00:00:11,227 --> 00:00:12,751 I don't believe it. 6 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,070 Oh, my God. It's real. 7 00:00:28,144 --> 00:00:31,705 Uh... Yeah, I'm not gonna go deal with this. I'm leaving. 8 00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:37,810 Hey! Hey! Hello? Boys! 9 00:00:37,887 --> 00:00:40,447 I am Leslie Knope. I work for the Department of Parks and Recreation. 10 00:00:40,523 --> 00:00:41,888 Nice! 11 00:00:42,425 --> 00:00:46,452 Okay, all right. Cool it! Okay. 12 00:00:46,529 --> 00:00:47,996 - Get her shoes! - No! 13 00:00:48,064 --> 00:00:49,895 That's disgusting! What are you doing? 14 00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,367 Help! Help! Help! Tom! 15 00:00:53,570 --> 00:00:54,969 Tom! 16 00:00:55,672 --> 00:00:58,368 No! Smells so bad! 17 00:00:59,943 --> 00:01:02,241 Why would you think this was fun? 18 00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:03,745 Really? Oh, really? Really? 19 00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:05,405 Oh, hey! Hey! You like it? 20 00:01:05,715 --> 00:01:06,704 Boom! 21 00:01:10,186 --> 00:01:11,346 Okay, here we go. Who wants it? 22 00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:14,881 Whoo, missed it! 23 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:17,418 Yeah! 24 00:01:18,028 --> 00:01:21,020 Actually, this is a little fun. This is fun. 25 00:01:21,965 --> 00:01:23,023 Get her hair! 26 00:01:23,099 --> 00:01:24,088 Oh. 27 00:01:46,489 --> 00:01:48,548 Ooh. Hey, Tom. Check it out. 28 00:01:48,625 --> 00:01:50,752 Norton Construction just sent this over. 29 00:01:50,827 --> 00:01:52,158 Whoa, mama! 30 00:01:52,228 --> 00:01:53,718 I love Great Lakes wine. 31 00:01:53,797 --> 00:01:57,597 You can have the wine. I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it. 32 00:01:59,169 --> 00:02:00,363 No, no, no, no, no! 33 00:02:01,037 --> 00:02:02,368 You know as well as I do 34 00:02:02,439 --> 00:02:05,567 that we are not allowed to accept gifts over $25, 35 00:02:05,642 --> 00:02:07,007 for corruption reasons. 36 00:02:07,077 --> 00:02:08,271 We live in a fish bowl 37 00:02:08,344 --> 00:02:10,175 and the public is always watching. 38 00:02:10,246 --> 00:02:11,440 That's why I go two towns over 39 00:02:11,514 --> 00:02:13,379 if I want to rent a movie with nudity in it. 40 00:02:13,450 --> 00:02:14,439 Mmm. 41 00:02:14,517 --> 00:02:16,041 Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that. 42 00:02:22,258 --> 00:02:23,282 When you're in government, 43 00:02:23,359 --> 00:02:25,327 there's a million ways to exploit your power. 44 00:02:25,762 --> 00:02:27,354 Have I ever given in to that temptation? 45 00:02:27,430 --> 00:02:29,864 No, never. I'm not that kind of politician. 46 00:02:29,933 --> 00:02:31,059 Official Parks and Rec business. 47 00:02:31,134 --> 00:02:32,965 Just need to grab a quick hot dog. 48 00:02:33,036 --> 00:02:35,095 Sorry about that, little girl, you can have the next one. 49 00:02:35,171 --> 00:02:37,765 I have a moral code, and I never violate it. 50 00:02:37,841 --> 00:02:40,241 People look at me and they say, "Wow, Tom. 51 00:02:40,310 --> 00:02:43,108 "You are so pure, you're like a brown Superman with a beard 52 00:02:43,179 --> 00:02:47,115 "that just stands for justice and truth and the American way." 53 00:02:48,184 --> 00:02:50,550 So, Ann. I asked April to create one of those 54 00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:53,555 social network Internet profiles for the Sullivan Street pit. 55 00:02:53,623 --> 00:02:55,386 So, are you guys ready for the debut? 56 00:02:55,458 --> 00:02:57,585 Yes, can we cut that red ribbon around your monitor now? 57 00:02:57,660 --> 00:03:00,060 Absolutely. I love a good ribbon cutting. 58 00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:03,797 Oh. April, that's good. 59 00:03:03,867 --> 00:03:05,095 - Yeah. - Kids. 60 00:03:05,168 --> 00:03:07,966 Hey, look, the pit already has six friends. 61 00:03:08,838 --> 00:03:10,271 Oh, yeah. Mark. Mark's a friend. 62 00:03:10,340 --> 00:03:12,240 Well, you guys gotta see Mark's profile. 63 00:03:12,308 --> 00:03:14,299 Look at the photos of these ladies on his page. 64 00:03:14,377 --> 00:03:16,436 - Wow. - Ew! Sick. 65 00:03:16,513 --> 00:03:17,878 Maybe those are his relatives. 66 00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:20,609 Yeah, maybe fake boobs run in his family. 67 00:03:20,683 --> 00:03:23,447 Look at this lady. She's got a thong on her face. 68 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:25,715 Oh, my God, his favorite movie is Dances With Wolves. 69 00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:27,153 Okay, we're good. 70 00:03:27,223 --> 00:03:28,815 We'll keep checking in on this. 71 00:03:28,892 --> 00:03:29,984 Where is Mark, anyway? 72 00:03:30,059 --> 00:03:33,324 Attending yet another meeting of the old boys' club. 73 00:03:33,997 --> 00:03:37,262 Politics is full of boys' clubs, formal and informal. 74 00:03:37,333 --> 00:03:41,394 Behind me are all the members of the city council over the past 30 years. 75 00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:44,497 And every day, as a woman, I have to walk past this wall of men. 76 00:03:44,574 --> 00:03:47,338 It can be very upsetting. Especially because of that guy. 77 00:03:48,244 --> 00:03:49,370 No matter what direction I move, 78 00:03:49,445 --> 00:03:51,777 he's always staring at my chest. 79 00:03:52,015 --> 00:03:53,004 Hmm. 80 00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:55,007 See? 81 00:03:55,418 --> 00:03:57,352 What are they doing out there? 82 00:03:57,420 --> 00:03:59,388 Wheeling and dealing. 83 00:03:59,455 --> 00:04:01,252 Divvying up the empire. 84 00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:03,322 Oh, my wife got me this shirt. 85 00:04:03,393 --> 00:04:05,384 She swears it makes me look thinner. 86 00:04:05,461 --> 00:04:06,450 It kind of does. 87 00:04:06,529 --> 00:04:08,463 You know what we should do? Let's go out there. 88 00:04:08,531 --> 00:04:10,294 Let's bust up that old boys' club. 89 00:04:10,366 --> 00:04:13,028 We're doing great work in the government. We deserve to be included. 90 00:04:13,102 --> 00:04:14,729 Sure, yeah. I could use a beer. 91 00:04:14,804 --> 00:04:16,294 Yes, Ann! That's good, think like a man. 92 00:04:16,372 --> 00:04:17,703 April, we're leaving, you're in charge. 93 00:04:17,774 --> 00:04:19,571 And it's because you're a woman! 94 00:04:20,410 --> 00:04:23,004 What, do you really like red tape and uphill battles? 95 00:04:23,079 --> 00:04:24,205 - Hey, Leslie! - Hey! 96 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:25,338 What is up? 97 00:04:25,415 --> 00:04:26,439 I'll tell you what's up. 98 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:30,316 A couple of ladies are coming to bust up your little boys' club. 99 00:04:30,386 --> 00:04:33,219 Awesome. Glad to have you. Let me get you a beer. 100 00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:35,820 We're in. Hey, I'm Brian. 101 00:04:35,892 --> 00:04:37,883 - Hi, Brian, Leslie Knope. - Deputy director of... 102 00:04:37,961 --> 00:04:39,428 - Drink that. - Okay. 103 00:04:39,495 --> 00:04:42,123 I'm Ann, everyone. I don't work here. 104 00:04:42,198 --> 00:04:43,597 - Hey, Ann. - Steve. 105 00:04:43,666 --> 00:04:45,759 So, what are you guys talking about? What's the topic du jour? 106 00:04:45,835 --> 00:04:46,824 Oh! 107 00:04:49,405 --> 00:04:50,565 Did you hear that? 108 00:04:51,274 --> 00:04:54,471 That was the sound of a glass ceiling being shattered. 109 00:04:55,144 --> 00:04:58,580 The boys' club is more about socializing than work, you know? 110 00:04:58,648 --> 00:05:00,172 I mean, you gotta loosen up. 111 00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:03,811 I kind of feel like I'm already in the boys' club. 112 00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:06,354 I mean, look at those bitches clean up after me. 113 00:05:06,422 --> 00:05:09,186 So, is this, like, your regular Tuesday night scene? 114 00:05:09,259 --> 00:05:11,022 Well, it's just a way to unwind, you know. - Mmm-hmm. 115 00:05:11,094 --> 00:05:13,790 Really different from your Friday night crowd, right? 116 00:05:13,863 --> 00:05:14,852 - What crowd? - You know, 117 00:05:14,931 --> 00:05:16,956 the girls with the tribal back tattoos 118 00:05:17,033 --> 00:05:18,432 who drink Red Bull for a living. 119 00:05:18,501 --> 00:05:20,901 - Oh! Oh, I like this. This is banter. - That crowd. 120 00:05:20,970 --> 00:05:22,267 - Banter's fun. - Where'd that come from? 121 00:05:22,338 --> 00:05:23,600 We were just on the computer, 122 00:05:23,673 --> 00:05:25,106 looking at your profile. 123 00:05:25,174 --> 00:05:27,335 You know, you have a friend who has a tattoo that says, 124 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,707 "Daddy's Girl." 125 00:05:28,778 --> 00:05:30,439 And both words are misspelled. 126 00:05:30,513 --> 00:05:32,777 Ooh! Mixing it up with the boys! So... 127 00:05:32,849 --> 00:05:34,407 What are you gonna say? What's your comeback? 128 00:05:34,484 --> 00:05:35,951 Those aren't really my friends anymore. 129 00:05:36,019 --> 00:05:37,646 I don't hang out with them. 130 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:41,315 Oh, boo. Brendanawicz, that's some weak sauce. You need to hit harder! 131 00:05:42,325 --> 00:05:44,725 Natalie, it's your sister. 132 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:48,993 Pick me up or I'm gonna draw all over your jeans. 133 00:05:52,235 --> 00:05:54,897 Well, it's official, people. We're out of beer. 134 00:05:55,571 --> 00:05:57,903 That's the cue. See you later, Leslie. 135 00:05:57,974 --> 00:06:00,204 It was nice hanging out, you know, after work hours. 136 00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:02,107 - Wait! - I think I'm gonna take off, too. 137 00:06:02,178 --> 00:06:03,770 - Yeah, I should go, Leslie. - Wait, you guys! 138 00:06:03,846 --> 00:06:05,006 Let's keep this good feeling going. 139 00:06:05,081 --> 00:06:06,275 It's just getting started! 140 00:06:06,349 --> 00:06:09,443 Uh, yeah, 'cause parties usually get started when you run out of booze. 141 00:06:09,519 --> 00:06:12,511 Okay, wait. Just hold on a second. 142 00:06:27,904 --> 00:06:28,893 I got wine! 143 00:06:28,971 --> 00:06:30,370 Hey! 144 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:31,429 And cheese! 145 00:06:31,507 --> 00:06:32,974 Hey! 146 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,558 Good morning. 147 00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:42,295 Last night, in a foolish attempt to infiltrate a boys' club, 148 00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:46,362 I violated the government employee ethics code of the state of Indiana. 149 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:50,398 I have always tried to live my life in an ethical way, and last night, I failed. 150 00:06:50,477 --> 00:06:54,641 I realize I have let down every female public official in America, 151 00:06:54,714 --> 00:06:57,205 and I would like to apologize to them, right now, 152 00:06:57,284 --> 00:06:59,309 individually, and in alphabetical order. 153 00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:06,053 Michele Bachmann, Republican, Minnesota. I am sorry. 154 00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:12,598 Tammy Baldwin, Democrat, Wisconsin. I'm so sorry, Tammy. 155 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:14,823 Melissa Bean. 156 00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:30,145 Okay. Double shift, remember? So I won't see you till tomorrow. 157 00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:31,844 - Are you gonna be okay? - Oh, yeah. 158 00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:34,751 I got dinner. 159 00:07:34,821 --> 00:07:38,348 Oh, God. Honey, can you just clean up a little bit? 160 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,626 I'll try. Don't expect much. 161 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:45,256 Okay. I'll do it when I get home. 162 00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:46,890 - You will? - Yes. Yes. 163 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,434 Ann is amazing. 164 00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:52,460 She takes care of me, she takes care of sick people, sick babies. 165 00:07:52,539 --> 00:07:56,635 She is an angel. And I seriously love her. 166 00:07:57,544 --> 00:07:58,636 Hard. 167 00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:03,077 She's going to be gone for the next 24 hours so I made this list 168 00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:08,280 and basically this place is gonna be like a sparkling palace when she returns. 169 00:08:08,588 --> 00:08:09,577 I took a bunch of painkillers. 170 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:12,056 They're about to kick in so I'm ready to go. 171 00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:16,895 There it is. Let's clear the air. 172 00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:20,922 Last night, I opened up this gift basket, for my own pleasure. 173 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:25,335 Really. Leslie Knope. Usually such a prudish stickler for the rules. 174 00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:26,963 I'm not happy about it either, Tom. 175 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,735 It's like I don't even know you anymore. 176 00:08:28,808 --> 00:08:31,777 Last year you wrote me up for making personal phone calls to my mom. 177 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,506 Yes, I did. And I would do it again. 178 00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:35,013 Two wrongs do not make a right. 179 00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:37,015 Yes, but she was in the hospital. 180 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:40,012 I did not know that at the time. 181 00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:41,442 So, can I have the basket? 182 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,079 No, I'm sorry. It's evidence. 183 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,180 It's a nice basket. 184 00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:46,282 What would you put in there? 185 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,348 I don't know. Potpourri? 186 00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:48,416 That's a lot of potpourri. 187 00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:50,156 Hey, I am not the one on trial here. 188 00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:53,597 I appreciate and thank you in advance for your unwavering support. 189 00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:54,759 I think you should go to jail. 190 00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:56,563 Think about what you've done. 191 00:08:57,637 --> 00:08:59,298 Go to jail? What's going on? 192 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:03,103 Ron, I have a very important and very long story to tell you. 193 00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,110 - Put it in an e-mail? - Nope. 194 00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:11,572 It happened right out there, right outside this window. 195 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,852 Why can't I look away? 196 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,184 Let's not blow this out of proportion. 197 00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:18,554 I will blow this in proportion! 198 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:20,759 The minimum punishment for this 199 00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:23,421 is an official reprimand from the city manager. 200 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,520 It's not that big a deal. 201 00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:26,565 Maybe in your world it isn't a big deal. 202 00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:30,364 You're a white Protestant man with a full, rich mustache. 203 00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:31,631 But I am a woman 204 00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:34,139 and I need to hold myself up to a higher standard. 205 00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:36,402 This is ridiculous. You're punishing yourself 206 00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,444 more than anybody else is gonna punish you. 207 00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:40,638 No. What do you suggest we do? 208 00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,306 You think we should cover this up? 209 00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:45,283 No, I'm not saying that. No one said cover-up. 210 00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:48,515 Good, because the cover-up is worse than the crime. 211 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,852 When you spill something and you try to wipe it up 212 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,357 with something that's dirty, 213 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,450 then you get double dirty. 214 00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:55,653 Please don't make this worse. 215 00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:56,957 Oh, my God. 216 00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,327 Good afternoon. 217 00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:02,358 Since we last spoke, I have taken extraordinary steps 218 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:05,131 to make further amends for the mistakes that I have made. 219 00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:08,139 I have written a full confession, 220 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:12,907 which I will be e-mailing to everyone in the entire Pawnee government. 221 00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:16,142 I've also attached a link to the pit's web page, 222 00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:18,810 just to remind people of all the good work that I do. 223 00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:21,913 I asked Ron to blow the whistle on me, and he refused. 224 00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,923 And that is why I had to whistle-blow myself. 225 00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:33,127 I wish I could say some of this mess was Ann's, but it's all mine. 226 00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:34,666 I'm kind of a nester. 227 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:39,466 Huh? Not bad for a guy with two broken legs. 228 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,504 Hey. 229 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,374 Hey. 230 00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:55,146 I'm doing a little experiment tonight to see what will get me drunker. 231 00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,248 Drinking wine... - Leslie. Come here. 232 00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,224 See what April put on the pit's web page. 233 00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:02,488 Right now, drinking wine is winning... 234 00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:04,154 Oh, my God. What am I looking at? 235 00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:06,562 A video of me drinking some of that wine you stole. 236 00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,624 What? Why did you do this? 237 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,033 Because I was waiting for my sister and I was bored, 238 00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,697 and my hair looked really good. 239 00:11:13,773 --> 00:11:15,934 And you put it in the pit's web page? 240 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,874 - Yeah. - Okay, take this off. 241 00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:19,813 Okay. I just sent an e-mail to everyone in the government, 242 00:11:19,835 --> 00:11:20,961 and I put a link to this page! 243 00:11:22,148 --> 00:11:25,640 A young law-breaker. A future Leslie Knope. 244 00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:26,912 Play it again for us, Jerry. 245 00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:27,975 You got it. 246 00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:34,315 Leslie? 247 00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:36,352 She's 19 years old. 248 00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,991 I thought I told you not to make this worse. 249 00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:40,259 And I heard you loud and clear. 250 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:42,198 But then you made it worse. 251 00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:45,704 The disciplinary committee is having a hearing tomorrow, 252 00:11:45,772 --> 00:11:47,569 and you're gonna have to testify. 253 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,235 Oh, no. 254 00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:51,300 April might get dismissed. You could get fired. 255 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,538 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 256 00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:54,671 Oh, no. 257 00:11:54,747 --> 00:11:55,805 Oh, God. 258 00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:58,077 This bench is so uncomfortable. 259 00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:01,780 Ow. Help. Please, Ron. Ron. 260 00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:03,652 Ron, tell me it's gonna be okay. 261 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,554 - Tell me it's gonna be okay. - It's gonna... 262 00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:07,525 Ron? Where are you? 263 00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:09,528 It's... It'll... Hang in. 264 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:12,421 - Ron! - Okay. You're okay. 265 00:12:12,932 --> 00:12:13,956 Good evening. 266 00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:17,992 I've spoken to you a couple of times about something that happened, 267 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,504 but I don't want to... 268 00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,806 I don't want to talk about it anymore. 269 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,907 So, the disciplinary committee awaits. 270 00:12:27,946 --> 00:12:29,096 Feeling good? Feeling strong? 271 00:12:29,111 --> 00:12:30,271 Not really. No. 272 00:12:30,289 --> 00:12:32,007 Do you want me to run some test questions with you? 273 00:12:32,026 --> 00:12:34,920 Maybe give you an idea of what the disciplinary committee will be like? 274 00:12:35,017 --> 00:12:36,575 Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, thanks, Tom. 275 00:12:36,652 --> 00:12:37,846 Okay. 276 00:12:38,654 --> 00:12:43,091 So, Miss Knope, you're accused of stealing wine. 277 00:12:43,959 --> 00:12:46,553 How many drinks do you have per week, on average? 278 00:12:46,629 --> 00:12:47,721 Zero. 279 00:12:48,497 --> 00:12:49,486 Zero to six. 280 00:12:49,565 --> 00:12:52,728 - I'm gonna write down 10. - Yeah. 281 00:12:52,801 --> 00:12:54,132 Do you ever cheat on your taxes? 282 00:12:54,203 --> 00:12:55,727 No, no, no. Never. 283 00:12:55,804 --> 00:12:57,431 Good. You're doing great. 284 00:12:57,506 --> 00:13:00,066 How many sexual partners have you had in the last year? 285 00:13:00,142 --> 00:13:01,166 Are they gonna ask that? 286 00:13:01,187 --> 00:13:02,882 This is a deposition-style hearing, Miss Knope. 287 00:13:02,913 --> 00:13:04,437 Nothing is off-limits. You have to answer. 288 00:13:04,454 --> 00:13:07,753 Now, how many sexual partners have you had in the last year? 289 00:13:08,450 --> 00:13:10,281 Zero to six. Zero. 290 00:13:10,352 --> 00:13:12,843 - Have you ever thought about Ron sexually? - What? 291 00:13:12,922 --> 00:13:13,946 Including dreams. 292 00:13:14,023 --> 00:13:17,015 Have you ever had a sexual dream about our boss, Ron Swanson? 293 00:13:17,092 --> 00:13:19,492 - No! Absolutely not. No. - Yes. 294 00:13:19,562 --> 00:13:21,393 - No. - Now, in this recurring dream 295 00:13:21,463 --> 00:13:23,624 that you have about Ron, is he like a regular Ron, 296 00:13:23,699 --> 00:13:26,691 or is he half-Ron, half-animal, like a centaur? 297 00:13:26,769 --> 00:13:27,758 What? No... 298 00:13:27,836 --> 00:13:29,394 Is he wearing a football uniform? 299 00:13:29,505 --> 00:13:32,941 Are you making love to him on a couch shaped like his mustache? 300 00:13:33,008 --> 00:13:34,202 Is he covered in Powerade? 301 00:13:34,276 --> 00:13:35,573 No, okay. Time-out. Time-out. 302 00:13:35,644 --> 00:13:37,407 This committee doesn't take time-outs, Miss Knope. 303 00:13:37,479 --> 00:13:38,537 Now answer the question! 304 00:13:38,614 --> 00:13:39,603 I need something to drink. 305 00:13:39,682 --> 00:13:41,047 How about some stolen wine? 306 00:13:41,116 --> 00:13:42,344 No. I meant water. 307 00:13:43,218 --> 00:13:45,686 Thank you for your time, Miss Knope. You're fired. 308 00:13:46,622 --> 00:13:48,351 So, that's kind of your worst-case scenario, you know? 309 00:13:48,424 --> 00:13:50,858 If you can handle that, I think you'll be fine. 310 00:13:51,794 --> 00:13:52,818 Great. 311 00:13:54,797 --> 00:13:56,788 Ron, thank you for being here with me today. 312 00:13:57,366 --> 00:13:59,266 I'm your department head. I have to be. 313 00:13:59,902 --> 00:14:01,494 Nonetheless. 314 00:14:01,570 --> 00:14:02,901 - Miss Knope? - Yes. 315 00:14:02,972 --> 00:14:06,669 You're here because you allegedly accepted a gift of over $25 316 00:14:06,742 --> 00:14:09,609 and contributed to the delinquency of a minor. 317 00:14:09,678 --> 00:14:11,111 Can you tell us what happened? 318 00:14:11,180 --> 00:14:13,080 I'm gonna take a glass of water first, if I may. 319 00:14:13,148 --> 00:14:14,581 Certainly. 320 00:14:15,017 --> 00:14:16,143 Sorry. 321 00:14:27,796 --> 00:14:28,990 "Two days ago, 322 00:14:29,064 --> 00:14:33,433 "I attended an informal boys' club meeting for the very first time. 323 00:14:34,436 --> 00:14:36,597 "After one and a half beers, 324 00:14:36,672 --> 00:14:38,401 "awash in the glow of acceptance 325 00:14:38,474 --> 00:14:40,169 "into this elite, exclusive club..." 326 00:14:40,242 --> 00:14:42,233 Sorry, what club is this? 327 00:14:42,311 --> 00:14:44,677 A couple city planners like to drink beer 328 00:14:44,747 --> 00:14:46,806 in the courtyard on Tuesday nights. 329 00:14:46,882 --> 00:14:50,045 No one is supposed to drink alcohol on government property. 330 00:14:50,119 --> 00:14:52,212 That's not my department. 331 00:14:52,287 --> 00:14:53,914 Go ahead, Leslie. 332 00:14:55,324 --> 00:14:57,554 "I made a very unwise decision. 333 00:14:57,626 --> 00:15:00,220 "A decision that will live in infamy. 334 00:15:00,295 --> 00:15:03,230 "I opened a gift basket of wine and cheese. 335 00:15:07,436 --> 00:15:09,927 "Our intern, April Ludgate, 336 00:15:10,072 --> 00:15:12,563 "drank some of that wine without my knowledge. 337 00:15:13,709 --> 00:15:15,904 "That was never part of the plan. 338 00:15:15,978 --> 00:15:18,708 "She had not been invited to the meeting of the boys' club. 339 00:15:18,781 --> 00:15:21,375 "I repeat, not been invited. 340 00:15:21,850 --> 00:15:25,286 "Though it is my hope that someday, she lives in a world 341 00:15:25,354 --> 00:15:29,085 "where the very idea of boys' clubs is ancient history." 342 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:36,588 But you did open the gift basket. And the intern did drink the wine. 343 00:15:37,433 --> 00:15:39,901 Please don't blame her for my mistake. 344 00:15:39,968 --> 00:15:43,028 The biggest crime we could commit here 345 00:15:43,105 --> 00:15:48,270 would be to destroy a teenage girl's passion for local government. 346 00:15:49,511 --> 00:15:52,503 There's only one more thing I need to clean, me. 347 00:15:53,015 --> 00:15:55,540 Um, I can't really get into a shower, 348 00:15:55,617 --> 00:15:58,609 so I got this idea from my parents. 349 00:15:59,054 --> 00:16:00,988 This is how they clean their dog. 350 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,321 Do you like that? 351 00:16:07,396 --> 00:16:08,727 Huh? 352 00:16:08,797 --> 00:16:10,662 I wrote that for Ann. 353 00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:13,825 It's gonna be playing when she walks through the door today. 354 00:16:13,902 --> 00:16:18,066 And check this out. Washed my shorts. How do you like that? 355 00:16:20,709 --> 00:16:22,142 Hey. Turn that down. 356 00:16:22,211 --> 00:16:23,701 No. I wrote that song. 357 00:16:23,779 --> 00:16:24,871 I don't care. Turn it down. 358 00:16:24,947 --> 00:16:27,472 What are you doing in my yard, Lawrence? Get out of here. 359 00:16:27,549 --> 00:16:28,948 Okay, you know what? I'm taking this. 360 00:16:29,017 --> 00:16:30,450 Put down my boom box. 361 00:16:30,519 --> 00:16:32,146 It's my boom box now. I asked you nicely. 362 00:16:32,221 --> 00:16:35,384 You did not ask me nicely! Put that down! 363 00:16:36,191 --> 00:16:38,352 I just put 12 new batteries in that thing! 364 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:45,824 Lawrence, come on! 365 00:16:45,901 --> 00:16:47,061 What's going on out here? 366 00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:48,364 Give it to me! 367 00:16:50,172 --> 00:16:51,469 - Come on. - Go back inside, Hank. 368 00:16:52,107 --> 00:16:53,233 Miss Knope, 369 00:16:53,308 --> 00:16:56,368 what was the first thing you did when you arrived at work the next day? 370 00:16:56,445 --> 00:16:58,504 Can you go over the time line for us once more? 371 00:16:58,580 --> 00:17:01,572 Yes, of course. I awoke at 6:21 a.m. 372 00:17:01,650 --> 00:17:03,174 After a fitful night of sleep... 373 00:17:03,252 --> 00:17:04,719 We've been over this. 374 00:17:05,387 --> 00:17:08,049 What more could you guys possibly want her to do? 375 00:17:08,123 --> 00:17:09,715 Well, we don't know yet. 376 00:17:09,792 --> 00:17:11,259 Frankly we've got a lot more questions. 377 00:17:11,326 --> 00:17:12,816 Ron, it's okay. 378 00:17:12,895 --> 00:17:16,228 No, it's not. This is not communist China. 379 00:17:16,298 --> 00:17:17,765 You cannot make her whip herself. 380 00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:20,063 You cannot make her wear a hair shirt. 381 00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:21,913 We weren't planning on doing either of those things. 382 00:17:21,937 --> 00:17:23,461 This is America. 383 00:17:23,539 --> 00:17:26,565 You want to live in North Korea, you can live in North Korea. 384 00:17:26,642 --> 00:17:29,475 I don't want to. I want to live in America. 385 00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,409 Leslie has never broken a rule in her life, 386 00:17:32,548 --> 00:17:34,778 to the point that it's annoying. 387 00:17:35,651 --> 00:17:37,710 If you want to slap her on the wrist, go ahead. 388 00:17:37,786 --> 00:17:39,219 If you want to do anything more serious, 389 00:17:39,288 --> 00:17:40,653 you're gonna have to go through me. 390 00:17:40,722 --> 00:17:41,950 - Let's go. - Are we done? 391 00:17:42,024 --> 00:17:43,582 We're done, let's go. 392 00:17:48,897 --> 00:17:51,491 So, after all that, it's really not that bad. 393 00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:53,660 You're gonna get a letter in your file. 394 00:17:54,484 --> 00:17:55,817 Ron, I just wanted to say thank you, so... 395 00:17:55,843 --> 00:17:57,208 Don't worry about it. 396 00:18:02,611 --> 00:18:07,776 No, I didn't do it for Leslie. I did it because I hate bureaucracy. 397 00:18:07,850 --> 00:18:11,650 My idea of a perfect government is one guy, 398 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:13,813 who sits in a small room at a desk, 399 00:18:13,889 --> 00:18:17,450 and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. 400 00:18:17,526 --> 00:18:20,689 The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, 401 00:18:20,762 --> 00:18:24,289 and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. 402 00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:28,931 And women are brought to him, maybe, 403 00:18:29,905 --> 00:18:31,429 when he desires them. 404 00:18:32,074 --> 00:18:33,473 Oh, hey, Ann. You're here. 405 00:18:33,542 --> 00:18:36,568 Yeah, I came from the hospital. How'd it go? 406 00:18:36,645 --> 00:18:37,703 I don't want to be overdramatic, 407 00:18:37,779 --> 00:18:39,906 but today felt like 100 years in hell 408 00:18:39,982 --> 00:18:41,279 and the absolute worst day of my life. 409 00:18:41,350 --> 00:18:42,874 Oh, God. 410 00:18:42,951 --> 00:18:45,181 I never should have opened that stupid basket. 411 00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:46,881 Yeah. Why did you open that basket? 412 00:18:46,955 --> 00:18:48,547 It doesn't really seem like you. 413 00:18:48,624 --> 00:18:50,751 I think it's 'cause I wanted to shatter the glass ceiling. 414 00:18:50,826 --> 00:18:54,227 You know what I mean? And just kind of infiltrate the boys' club. 415 00:18:54,296 --> 00:18:55,388 Hmm. 416 00:18:57,399 --> 00:18:58,832 I did it for a guy. 417 00:18:59,701 --> 00:19:02,465 - Oh! - Yeah. Mark. 418 00:19:04,239 --> 00:19:05,331 Oh. 419 00:19:06,174 --> 00:19:08,005 Oh. Wow. 420 00:19:08,076 --> 00:19:13,480 I... We had a brief affair in February of 2004. 421 00:19:13,715 --> 00:19:18,118 And there's still something very complicated between us, so... 422 00:19:19,288 --> 00:19:20,949 Yeah. Sure. 423 00:19:21,056 --> 00:19:22,080 Yeah. 424 00:19:22,157 --> 00:19:25,217 Smart woman. Iffy choice in men. 425 00:19:26,528 --> 00:19:28,723 But then again, I'm not one to talk. 426 00:19:36,004 --> 00:19:37,528 What do you think? 427 00:19:37,606 --> 00:19:39,938 Andy. This is so sweet. 428 00:19:40,008 --> 00:19:41,032 It's nothing. 429 00:19:41,109 --> 00:19:42,371 What happened to you? 430 00:19:42,444 --> 00:19:46,244 Oh, I was chasing our neighbor who's a total jagweed 431 00:19:46,315 --> 00:19:48,715 and I fell in some prickly bushes. 432 00:19:48,917 --> 00:19:51,647 Doesn't matter. What do you think of the house, huh? 433 00:19:52,187 --> 00:19:53,677 - Were you totally surprised? - Yeah. 434 00:19:53,755 --> 00:19:55,882 - Do you love it? - Yeah. 435 00:19:55,958 --> 00:19:58,833 Here, baby. Sit down. I'm gonna put something on those scratches. 436 00:20:00,495 --> 00:20:03,555 Somebody is getting gently laid tonight. 437 00:20:03,632 --> 00:20:06,192 Andy! God! 438 00:20:14,312 --> 00:20:15,939 You look like you need one of these. 439 00:20:17,915 --> 00:20:20,315 Come on. You're over 21. 440 00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:23,183 You're not supposed to be drinking on government property. 441 00:20:23,254 --> 00:20:25,245 Loosen up. You're gonna drive yourself crazy 442 00:20:25,323 --> 00:20:27,848 trying to follow every single rule in government. 443 00:20:27,925 --> 00:20:30,359 Mark, I have a letter in my file. 444 00:20:30,428 --> 00:20:32,794 I got seven letters in my file. 445 00:20:33,431 --> 00:20:36,332 Pretty much every guy in city planning has a bunch of letters. 446 00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:39,836 So, welcome to the team. 447 00:20:45,710 --> 00:20:48,144 Look out, boys. I'm in your club now. 448 00:20:48,212 --> 00:20:49,577 I'm in your club. I'm in your club. 449 00:20:49,647 --> 00:20:50,944 I'm in your club. I'm in your club. 450 00:20:51,015 --> 00:20:54,678 I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your... Mmm. Creepy.