1 00:00:01,026 --> 00:00:03,978 And to my wife, I apologize. 2 00:00:04,197 --> 00:00:07,326 All I can say is I wasn't just having sex, 3 00:00:08,102 --> 00:00:11,277 I was making love to a beautiful woman 4 00:00:11,724 --> 00:00:13,282 and her boyfriend, 5 00:00:13,441 --> 00:00:16,315 and a third person, whose name I never learned. 6 00:00:16,545 --> 00:00:19,183 Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say 7 00:00:19,215 --> 00:00:21,707 I was building houses for the underprivileged, 8 00:00:21,785 --> 00:00:26,405 when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil. 9 00:00:26,551 --> 00:00:28,723 I bet cave sex is insane. 10 00:00:28,765 --> 00:00:29,495 Why? 11 00:00:29,526 --> 00:00:31,089 Because of the echoes and the humidity. 12 00:00:31,130 --> 00:00:32,119 Mmm-hmm. 13 00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:35,783 In my defense, it was my birthday 14 00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:38,103 and I really wanted to do it. 15 00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:39,819 I think it's a real shame 16 00:00:39,849 --> 00:00:43,217 when people focus on the tawdry details of a scandal. 17 00:00:43,512 --> 00:00:47,449 Personally, all I care about is Councilman Dexhart's policies. 18 00:00:47,517 --> 00:00:51,955 Not whether he was high on nitrous and cocaine during the cave sex. 19 00:00:52,022 --> 00:00:53,820 Which, by the way, I heard he was. 20 00:00:54,325 --> 00:00:58,319 One more shocking revelation in a story that just won't stop unfolding. 21 00:00:58,397 --> 00:01:00,160 It turns out Councilman Dexhart 22 00:01:00,232 --> 00:01:02,724 may have also had sex with a prostitute 23 00:01:02,803 --> 00:01:07,332 in the limousine on the way to and from the press conference 24 00:01:07,408 --> 00:01:09,467 where he apologized for having an affair. 25 00:01:09,811 --> 00:01:10,836 Perd Hapley, Channel Four Eyewitness News. 26 00:01:10,913 --> 00:01:12,710 Why does anybody wanna run for public office? 27 00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:15,580 You're just asking to have your entire life exposed. 28 00:01:15,819 --> 00:01:19,221 Well, if you're squeaky clean, like I am, there's no problem. 29 00:01:19,290 --> 00:01:21,554 Tom, you're married, and you hit on women constantly. 30 00:01:21,826 --> 00:01:25,820 Yeah, but I've never sealed the deal. Just window-shopping. 31 00:01:26,598 --> 00:01:28,829 You can fly to Brazil, just don't enter the cave. Am I right? 32 00:01:28,901 --> 00:01:30,095 Up top! 33 00:01:53,332 --> 00:01:54,890 I'm sure that you think that you're clean, 34 00:01:54,967 --> 00:01:57,163 but I bet that we could find something on you. 35 00:01:57,237 --> 00:01:58,704 I changed my name, which is legal, 36 00:01:58,771 --> 00:02:01,764 and once in high school, a girl beat me in a wrestling match. 37 00:02:01,842 --> 00:02:02,831 That's it. 38 00:02:02,910 --> 00:02:05,106 I bet anything I could find worse stuff on all you guys. 39 00:02:05,180 --> 00:02:07,205 Are you suggesting a game? 40 00:02:07,816 --> 00:02:09,148 - I'm in. - I'm in. 41 00:02:09,218 --> 00:02:11,974 - I'm out. - Not an option, Jerry. 42 00:02:12,066 --> 00:02:13,066 You're going down. 43 00:02:13,098 --> 00:02:14,901 No, seriously, I really don't wanna play. 44 00:02:14,925 --> 00:02:17,469 No, no. Seriously, you are playing. We're gonna nail you. 45 00:02:18,396 --> 00:02:19,522 I will play, too, 46 00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:23,728 if only to prove that I can find more dirt on you than you can on me. 47 00:02:24,064 --> 00:02:25,725 That's why we're all playing. 48 00:02:26,773 --> 00:02:28,434 Your desk is over there. 49 00:02:28,508 --> 00:02:30,807 I love games that turn people against each other. 50 00:02:31,345 --> 00:02:34,645 You guys will never believe what I just found on Jerry's Facebook. 51 00:02:34,716 --> 00:02:37,207 A friend. Burn. 52 00:02:37,286 --> 00:02:39,983 Okay, again, I'd really rather not play. 53 00:02:40,056 --> 00:02:41,717 Hey, guys. What are you guys doing? 54 00:02:41,791 --> 00:02:43,817 Trying to see who has the least amount of dirt on them 55 00:02:43,894 --> 00:02:45,486 in case someone wants to run for office. 56 00:02:45,563 --> 00:02:47,122 Well, it ain't Jerry. That's for sure. 57 00:02:47,199 --> 00:02:48,223 What? 58 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:51,270 Well, he's got a couple of 359s on him. Public urination. 59 00:02:51,804 --> 00:02:54,398 I don't like this game. I just don't like it. 60 00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,437 He's probably gonna go anger-pee in the courtyard. 61 00:03:02,150 --> 00:03:05,177 Well, you crazy park people, I'm out of here. 62 00:03:06,088 --> 00:03:07,453 Leslie, I'll see you tomorrow. 63 00:03:07,523 --> 00:03:09,219 Tomorrow, will be our 64 00:03:09,292 --> 00:03:11,283 first official... First date. 65 00:03:11,494 --> 00:03:12,484 Roger that. 66 00:03:12,563 --> 00:03:14,053 Copy. Over and out. 67 00:03:15,233 --> 00:03:18,499 Dave and I are going on our first date tomorrow. 68 00:03:18,570 --> 00:03:19,439 I'm not nervous. 69 00:03:19,476 --> 00:03:20,521 Why should I be nervous? 70 00:03:20,552 --> 00:03:22,664 We're just two people going on a first date. 71 00:03:22,831 --> 00:03:24,294 There's nothing to be nervous about. 72 00:03:31,219 --> 00:03:32,812 That was my phone. 73 00:03:34,223 --> 00:03:35,281 - Hey. - Hey. Hi there. 74 00:03:35,358 --> 00:03:37,384 What are you... What are you doing here? 75 00:03:37,461 --> 00:03:40,089 Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to? 76 00:03:40,664 --> 00:03:44,726 Oh, I'm looking for scandalous information about my co-workers, 77 00:03:44,802 --> 00:03:46,395 for a game that we're playing. 78 00:03:47,406 --> 00:03:49,101 My taxes pay your salary, right? 79 00:03:50,277 --> 00:03:51,676 - Yeah. - Cool. 80 00:03:56,851 --> 00:03:58,149 And he looked up at me, 81 00:03:58,220 --> 00:04:01,849 and he said, "Thank you. You saved my life." 82 00:04:03,092 --> 00:04:04,650 Yeah. Hey, listen, I'm really nervous 83 00:04:04,727 --> 00:04:06,251 about this date tomorrow night. 84 00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,628 Do you have, like, a first date outfit I can borrow? 85 00:04:08,699 --> 00:04:11,567 Like, I don't know, a pair of cargo pants? 86 00:04:11,636 --> 00:04:13,331 Yeah, I wouldn't go with a cargo pant. 87 00:04:13,405 --> 00:04:14,964 What about, like, a sexy hat? 88 00:04:15,041 --> 00:04:16,508 I don't know what that even is. 89 00:04:16,575 --> 00:04:18,133 Helping already. 90 00:04:18,210 --> 00:04:20,008 Do you wanna just come by after work today? 91 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,547 Sure. Yeah. Tonight? 92 00:04:22,182 --> 00:04:24,083 Several hours from now? 93 00:04:27,556 --> 00:04:29,319 Or you could just come over now? 94 00:04:29,391 --> 00:04:30,449 I think that would be better. 95 00:04:30,526 --> 00:04:31,687 Yeah, that would give us more time. Let's go. 96 00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:38,531 Oh, what you doing, guys? 97 00:04:38,602 --> 00:04:41,163 Looking for dirt on me? No point. 98 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:43,330 Give up now. 99 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,400 Oh, wait, there's this. 100 00:04:46,779 --> 00:04:50,341 Everybody, I bought a Croissan'wich this morning. 101 00:04:50,918 --> 00:04:53,479 This isn't even a real receipt. Just a scrap of paper. 102 00:04:54,022 --> 00:04:55,489 Taliban robes! 103 00:04:55,557 --> 00:04:56,615 What? 104 00:04:56,859 --> 00:04:57,985 Where'd you get that photo from? 105 00:04:58,961 --> 00:05:01,692 Hey, Tom. Nice Taliban robes. 106 00:05:01,765 --> 00:05:03,232 Those aren't Taliban robes. 107 00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:05,531 That's from Halloween, 10 years ago. I was dressed like a Jedi. 108 00:05:05,603 --> 00:05:08,766 I'm sure that the voters would be able to tell the difference. 109 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,105 Mmm, looks to me like you're in the Taliban. 110 00:05:11,176 --> 00:05:14,112 Well, did everybody know that Ron's ex-wife, Tammy, 111 00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:16,740 is actually his second ex-wife named Tammy? 112 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:22,150 That's right. Ron has two ex-wives, each named Tammy. 113 00:05:23,725 --> 00:05:25,556 Both of them bitches. 114 00:05:25,995 --> 00:05:28,964 Yes, my mom's name is Tammy. 115 00:05:31,702 --> 00:05:33,033 What's your point? 116 00:05:33,170 --> 00:05:35,571 Tom, that was a Jaeger-secret. 117 00:05:36,408 --> 00:05:38,877 You just breached a Jaeger-secret. 118 00:05:39,345 --> 00:05:41,677 Damn, this just heated up quick! 119 00:05:43,283 --> 00:05:44,307 Ta-da! 120 00:05:44,384 --> 00:05:45,976 - That looks great. - Yeah? 121 00:05:46,052 --> 00:05:48,146 Will you be wearing it out of the store today, madame? 122 00:05:48,222 --> 00:05:50,713 I think I will, good lady. 123 00:05:53,095 --> 00:05:54,528 Hey, while I have you, can I ask you a question? 124 00:05:54,596 --> 00:05:55,621 Shoot. 125 00:05:55,698 --> 00:05:56,756 What if he asks me if I've been married? 126 00:05:56,833 --> 00:05:58,323 - Have you? - No. 127 00:05:58,401 --> 00:05:59,493 Well, then, say that. 128 00:05:59,570 --> 00:06:01,197 But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married. 129 00:06:01,272 --> 00:06:03,240 You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna say that I was married. 130 00:06:03,307 --> 00:06:05,367 The real question is, should I say that I have kids. 131 00:06:05,444 --> 00:06:06,809 Guys like girls that have kids, right? 132 00:06:06,878 --> 00:06:07,867 Whoa! 133 00:06:07,947 --> 00:06:09,972 What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? 134 00:06:10,049 --> 00:06:12,143 Or not enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough? 135 00:06:12,219 --> 00:06:13,243 Leslie, relax. 136 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:14,309 Yeah. 137 00:06:14,388 --> 00:06:15,480 Okay? 138 00:06:15,589 --> 00:06:18,457 I just have a few more questions for you, Ann. 139 00:06:18,526 --> 00:06:20,153 What if he shows up with another woman? 140 00:06:20,228 --> 00:06:23,858 What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? 141 00:06:23,933 --> 00:06:27,199 What if instead of Tic Tacs, I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien 142 00:06:27,270 --> 00:06:29,171 and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake? 143 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,333 Those are all insane hypotheticals. 144 00:06:31,409 --> 00:06:33,310 And I promise you they won't happen. 145 00:06:34,379 --> 00:06:36,108 They have happened. 146 00:06:36,748 --> 00:06:38,876 All of these have happened to me. 147 00:06:39,519 --> 00:06:40,577 No, there's more. 148 00:06:40,653 --> 00:06:43,680 One time, I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. 149 00:06:43,757 --> 00:06:45,054 I thought it was terrible wine. 150 00:06:45,125 --> 00:06:46,218 Once I went out with a guy 151 00:06:46,294 --> 00:06:48,592 who wore 3D glasses the entire evening. 152 00:06:48,897 --> 00:06:51,833 Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, 153 00:06:51,901 --> 00:06:54,632 and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. 154 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:57,970 Another time, I went to a really boring movie with a guy, 155 00:06:58,041 --> 00:07:01,478 and while I was asleep, he tried to pull out one of my teeth. 156 00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,380 I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. 157 00:07:04,450 --> 00:07:06,577 We went out a couple times after that, but then he got weird. 158 00:07:06,686 --> 00:07:10,315 I know it sounds crazy, I'm a grown woman, 159 00:07:10,390 --> 00:07:12,359 but I am just not good on first dates. 160 00:07:12,426 --> 00:07:14,632 Oh, okay. Okay. 161 00:07:14,691 --> 00:07:16,541 You have a problem, and this is how we're gonna fix it. 162 00:07:16,566 --> 00:07:17,457 I know what you're thinking. 163 00:07:17,507 --> 00:07:20,104 I wear an earpiece, you sit at a table nearby, 164 00:07:20,136 --> 00:07:22,161 you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say on the date. 165 00:07:22,194 --> 00:07:23,890 But let me tell you something, Ann, it never works. 166 00:07:23,939 --> 00:07:27,555 No, no, no. We are gonna go to a restaurant and have a practice date. 167 00:07:27,588 --> 00:07:30,148 I will pretend to be Dave, and you will practice on me. 168 00:07:30,357 --> 00:07:32,155 That's a way better idea. 169 00:07:34,762 --> 00:07:36,663 Hey, Dave, it's me. It's Leslie. 170 00:07:36,732 --> 00:07:38,256 - Hi, Leslie. It's good to see you. - Hi! 171 00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:40,235 You don't wanna do that quite yet. 172 00:07:41,163 --> 00:07:42,563 So, Dave. 173 00:07:42,674 --> 00:07:44,302 Let's begin our conversation. 174 00:07:46,611 --> 00:07:48,580 What's on the note cards? 175 00:07:48,647 --> 00:07:50,376 They're possible topics of conversation. 176 00:07:50,449 --> 00:07:53,578 "Whales, parades, electricity." 177 00:07:54,521 --> 00:07:55,647 And the rest are blank. 178 00:07:55,722 --> 00:07:57,418 Yeah, well, I couldn't think of anything else. 179 00:07:57,791 --> 00:08:00,323 Leslie's in worse shape than I thought. 180 00:08:04,165 --> 00:08:06,361 Is she practice-laughing? 181 00:08:06,469 --> 00:08:09,233 Oh, Dave... you! 182 00:08:12,454 --> 00:08:15,110 The Danish call it "op og ned apparat," 183 00:08:15,141 --> 00:08:18,771 which literally translated means the "up and down machine." 184 00:08:18,820 --> 00:08:22,120 Wow, that's a thorough history of the teeter-totter. 185 00:08:22,172 --> 00:08:24,784 Now I'm gonna talk about the local flora and fauna 186 00:08:24,828 --> 00:08:25,853 found in Pawnee. - Okay. 187 00:08:25,930 --> 00:08:28,353 - What's amazing... - You know what? Just ask me a question. 188 00:08:28,381 --> 00:08:29,667 Just try to get to know me. 189 00:08:29,698 --> 00:08:30,791 Okay. 190 00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:35,835 I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry. My mind is blank. 191 00:08:35,908 --> 00:08:38,103 Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head. 192 00:08:38,158 --> 00:08:39,649 How big is it? 193 00:08:41,281 --> 00:08:42,943 - Really? - Oh, my God. 194 00:08:43,685 --> 00:08:45,676 Hey, Tommy. Hi. 195 00:08:45,753 --> 00:08:46,778 - Hey. - Are you ready? 196 00:08:46,812 --> 00:08:49,246 Yes, I am. Just give me one second. 197 00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:52,492 Hey, Donna. Let me ask you something. 198 00:08:52,729 --> 00:08:54,058 Do you hate black people? 199 00:08:54,097 --> 00:08:55,103 Excuse me? 200 00:08:55,146 --> 00:08:57,467 'Cause, apparently, in 1988, 201 00:08:57,635 --> 00:09:02,369 you donated money to the presidential campaign for David Duke. 202 00:09:02,441 --> 00:09:03,534 The KKK guy? 203 00:09:03,578 --> 00:09:06,430 I got a phone call. They said he would lower taxes. 204 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:07,777 Boom! 205 00:09:07,829 --> 00:09:09,738 How's it feel to lose so hard? 206 00:09:10,284 --> 00:09:12,276 I'm sorry, honey. Let's get coffee. 207 00:09:12,449 --> 00:09:15,130 Ree-Ron! You remember my wife, Wendy Haverford. 208 00:09:15,190 --> 00:09:16,215 - Of course. - Yeah, hi. 209 00:09:16,260 --> 00:09:17,428 How are things at the hospital? 210 00:09:17,479 --> 00:09:21,507 Very good, thank you. I just got a pediatric surgery fellowship. 211 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:23,741 Nice. We're celebrating, 212 00:09:23,796 --> 00:09:26,823 'cause she's super rich and super hot also. 213 00:09:26,894 --> 00:09:28,893 Okay. Come on, Tommy. Cut it out. 214 00:09:28,974 --> 00:09:31,442 You're super hot. Everybody else has to deal with it. 215 00:09:31,510 --> 00:09:33,945 Let's get out of here. See you later, Ron. 216 00:09:35,651 --> 00:09:39,448 I've established a scientifically perfect 10-point scale 217 00:09:39,478 --> 00:09:40,604 of human beauty. 218 00:09:40,655 --> 00:09:42,487 Wendy is a 7.4, 219 00:09:42,558 --> 00:09:47,190 which is way too high for Tom, who is a 3.8. 220 00:09:47,664 --> 00:09:50,065 Ten is tennis legend Steffi Graf. 221 00:09:53,170 --> 00:09:54,331 Hi, Dave. 222 00:09:54,406 --> 00:09:57,534 You're late. And I can see your nipples through your dress. 223 00:09:57,589 --> 00:09:59,422 What? No. Really? 224 00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:02,582 In nursing school, we took a psych course on how to treat phobias 225 00:10:02,649 --> 00:10:05,117 with a method called "exposure therapy." 226 00:10:05,185 --> 00:10:06,619 So, like, if you were afraid of snakes, 227 00:10:06,668 --> 00:10:08,829 they would immerse you in a tank of snakes. 228 00:10:08,923 --> 00:10:13,190 So, I am going to immerse Leslie in a tank of bad date. 229 00:10:13,429 --> 00:10:15,091 You're 20 minutes late, I almost left. 230 00:10:15,165 --> 00:10:16,189 Okay. 231 00:10:16,266 --> 00:10:17,733 - God! - Well, I was 232 00:10:18,468 --> 00:10:19,834 dropping my niece off. 233 00:10:19,904 --> 00:10:20,962 What's your niece's name? 234 00:10:21,038 --> 00:10:22,027 Torple. 235 00:10:22,106 --> 00:10:24,166 What? I don't know. 236 00:10:24,243 --> 00:10:26,370 That's not a name. I don't have a niece. 237 00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:29,741 - My niece's name is Stephanie. - Stop lying. 238 00:10:29,790 --> 00:10:32,385 Hey, look. There's bread. You want some? Oh, no! 239 00:10:32,486 --> 00:10:35,649 - I got flowers in your soup. I'm so sorry. - Oh come on! 240 00:10:35,704 --> 00:10:39,762 Just... I have to go to the whiz palace. 241 00:10:39,861 --> 00:10:42,353 You know, Dave, the place where you... 242 00:10:42,387 --> 00:10:44,083 You know, the toilet thing. 243 00:10:48,158 --> 00:10:50,889 It's a bathroom! It's called a bathroom! 244 00:10:54,013 --> 00:10:55,344 Hey, Mark. 245 00:10:56,448 --> 00:11:01,149 A little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket. 246 00:11:01,184 --> 00:11:02,816 Well, that's funny, because a little birdie told me 247 00:11:02,846 --> 00:11:06,080 that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession. 248 00:11:06,135 --> 00:11:08,122 Oh, snap! 249 00:11:08,178 --> 00:11:09,004 What? 250 00:11:09,049 --> 00:11:11,075 You didn't know that, huh? 251 00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:14,931 I didn't know I was adopted. 252 00:11:17,701 --> 00:11:20,917 Oh, no. Oh, Jerry. Oh, Jerry. I'm so sorry. 253 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,602 - I really didn't wanna play. - You... 254 00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:26,793 That was not my intention. 255 00:11:26,870 --> 00:11:28,207 It's not your fault. He totally baited you 256 00:11:28,238 --> 00:11:30,238 with that unpaid parking ticket. 257 00:11:30,742 --> 00:11:33,233 Tom, could you come into my office? 258 00:11:34,513 --> 00:11:36,003 Tom-ato sauce. 259 00:11:36,546 --> 00:11:38,070 Ron-tonamo Bay. 260 00:11:38,217 --> 00:11:42,561 Do be seated and congratulate me. 261 00:11:43,024 --> 00:11:44,048 For what? 262 00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:45,456 Winning the game. 263 00:11:45,526 --> 00:11:48,587 I just found out, through some pretty impressive investigating, 264 00:11:48,664 --> 00:11:52,692 that your wedding was a sham. It's a green card marriage. 265 00:11:52,969 --> 00:11:56,133 That's crazy. I was born in South Carolina. These colors don't run, baby. 266 00:11:56,206 --> 00:11:59,437 Yes, but Wendy was born in Ottawa, Canada. 267 00:12:00,412 --> 00:12:03,404 Her visa was set to expire the day after you got married 268 00:12:03,481 --> 00:12:07,646 at the county courthouse in front of three strangers and no family. 269 00:12:08,522 --> 00:12:11,082 Okay. We met in college. 270 00:12:11,158 --> 00:12:13,787 She wanted to work in the States, she couldn't get a permit... 271 00:12:15,430 --> 00:12:18,195 I knew it. I knew you couldn't get a wife as hot as her. 272 00:12:18,267 --> 00:12:20,896 Seriously, Ron. Games aside, you gotta keep this between us. 273 00:12:20,970 --> 00:12:21,994 Don't tell anybody, please. 274 00:12:22,072 --> 00:12:24,438 Now, come on. Don't worry. I'm not gonna turn you in. 275 00:12:24,507 --> 00:12:27,102 Just admit that when it comes to digging up dirt, 276 00:12:27,178 --> 00:12:30,376 I bested you in this game. Say it. Say, "I bested you." 277 00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:32,849 Fine. You bested me. Is that all? 278 00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:36,348 No. I'll have your wife tonight. 279 00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:37,782 What? 280 00:12:38,692 --> 00:12:40,990 I'm just kidding. Get out of here. 281 00:12:41,863 --> 00:12:44,798 Why would you say that, Dave? That dog was, like, my best friend. 282 00:12:44,866 --> 00:12:46,027 And when she died, it was one of... 283 00:12:46,102 --> 00:12:47,694 Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring. 284 00:12:47,770 --> 00:12:48,896 Hey, Tiffany. 285 00:12:49,405 --> 00:12:51,340 Yeah, I definitely wanna see you tonight. 286 00:12:52,409 --> 00:12:53,706 No, I can't really talk right now, 287 00:12:53,777 --> 00:12:55,439 'cause I'm on a date with this drip. 288 00:12:56,347 --> 00:12:57,371 Yeah, I can ask. 289 00:12:57,448 --> 00:13:00,350 Hey, do you wanna watch a porno after this with me and my wife? 290 00:13:00,419 --> 00:13:03,184 No, Dave. 'Cause you're disgusting. 291 00:13:05,191 --> 00:13:06,283 So, it's definitely a no? 292 00:13:06,359 --> 00:13:08,453 I don't understand why you're being so terrible. 293 00:13:08,529 --> 00:13:10,087 We're just two people trying to go on a date. 294 00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:11,393 It's supposed to be fun. It's just a date. 295 00:13:11,466 --> 00:13:14,264 You're right, it is. Well done. 296 00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:16,395 Sorry I had to get all medical on you. 297 00:13:16,472 --> 00:13:19,965 But now you see that even if everything goes wrong, you'll survive. 298 00:13:21,211 --> 00:13:22,838 Well, well, well. 299 00:13:24,115 --> 00:13:26,174 You coy bastard. 300 00:13:28,988 --> 00:13:30,080 Mark. 301 00:13:31,190 --> 00:13:33,159 - Tom. - You hate Ron, right? 302 00:13:33,725 --> 00:13:35,124 No. I think Ron is fine. 303 00:13:35,430 --> 00:13:36,864 So, we're on the same page. 304 00:13:37,096 --> 00:13:38,393 You gotta help me take this guy down. 305 00:13:38,464 --> 00:13:39,954 There's gotta be something on him. 306 00:13:40,032 --> 00:13:42,695 Tom, I'm starting to feel kind of gross about this game. 307 00:13:42,769 --> 00:13:44,362 It's not about the game anymore. 308 00:13:44,438 --> 00:13:46,633 Ron has some serious dirt on me. I need to balance things out. 309 00:13:46,707 --> 00:13:49,142 You must know how that feels, you got tons of dirt in your past. 310 00:13:49,211 --> 00:13:50,610 Please, you gotta help me. 311 00:13:53,616 --> 00:13:56,016 There is a man named Duke Silver. 312 00:13:56,786 --> 00:13:59,415 He hangs out at a bar in Eagleton. 313 00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:02,949 He's an old friend of Ron's, maybe you should ask him. 314 00:14:03,027 --> 00:14:05,622 Thanks, man. I'm gonna dig up so much dirt on this guy, 315 00:14:05,698 --> 00:14:08,531 there's gonna be worms all over the place. 316 00:14:10,404 --> 00:14:12,133 - It sounded snappier in my head. - Yeah. 317 00:14:12,906 --> 00:14:14,499 Ann is so awesome. 318 00:14:14,575 --> 00:14:15,735 I'm lucky to have a friend 319 00:14:15,810 --> 00:14:19,042 who would spend a whole day being so mean to me. 320 00:14:20,115 --> 00:14:21,275 Catch. 321 00:14:21,350 --> 00:14:23,376 I don't need your dress anymore, I'm gonna wear my own stuff. 322 00:14:23,453 --> 00:14:24,477 Me-power. 323 00:14:24,554 --> 00:14:27,422 Good. You're officially first date-proof. 324 00:14:27,558 --> 00:14:29,150 Thank you, Dave. 325 00:14:29,693 --> 00:14:33,061 Listen, it is impossible that he's not gonna like you. 326 00:14:33,131 --> 00:14:34,963 He's gonna freak out about how awesome you are. 327 00:14:35,034 --> 00:14:36,126 No, he's not. 328 00:14:36,202 --> 00:14:37,897 Yes, he is. He's gonna love you. 329 00:14:37,970 --> 00:14:41,134 You're cool and you're sexy and you're funny and you're smart... 330 00:14:41,171 --> 00:14:42,638 - Yeah. - Look, any guy would be lucky 331 00:14:42,676 --> 00:14:44,076 to date you. - Yeah. 332 00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:45,941 - Yeah. Hell, yeah. - Yeah. Hells, yeah! 333 00:14:45,989 --> 00:14:47,027 - Yeah. - I am awesome. 334 00:14:47,081 --> 00:14:48,606 You are awesome. 335 00:14:48,684 --> 00:14:50,151 Yeah, and you are, too. 336 00:14:50,219 --> 00:14:51,710 - Thank you. - You are, too. 337 00:14:51,788 --> 00:14:53,221 - Thank you. - You are, too, Ann. 338 00:14:53,290 --> 00:14:54,940 Okay. You're awesome. 339 00:14:54,984 --> 00:14:56,009 You're awesome. 340 00:14:59,530 --> 00:15:02,338 Help, police! Help! Help! 341 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:05,754 Hey. 342 00:15:05,834 --> 00:15:09,501 Look, I know today is today, and it's not tomorrow, 343 00:15:09,543 --> 00:15:12,672 but I felt like you should know that I'm awesome, 344 00:15:12,747 --> 00:15:14,271 and you're lucky to have me. 345 00:15:14,349 --> 00:15:17,080 And I think our first date tomorrow is gonna go awesome, 346 00:15:17,153 --> 00:15:19,677 off-the-charts amazing. Up top. 347 00:15:21,725 --> 00:15:23,659 All right, let's do this, bitch! 348 00:15:24,275 --> 00:15:27,040 I'm not scared. Can I come and sit down for a little bit? 349 00:15:27,131 --> 00:15:29,157 'Cause I walked here, 'cause... the drinking. 350 00:15:29,235 --> 00:15:30,259 I don't know... 351 00:15:30,336 --> 00:15:33,773 I do know. I'm coming inside. So, move, okay? 352 00:15:34,341 --> 00:15:36,275 You make a better door than a guy. 353 00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:40,097 Hey. 354 00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:43,689 This is gonna sound weird. I'm looking for a guy named Duke Silver. 355 00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:45,438 Yeah, he goes on in a second. 356 00:15:46,221 --> 00:15:49,419 Ladies, ladies, ladies, it's just about that time. 357 00:15:49,492 --> 00:15:52,427 It's with the jazziest pleasure that I bring out for you, 358 00:15:52,495 --> 00:15:55,567 my man, Mr. Duke Silver! 359 00:16:00,638 --> 00:16:01,901 Thank you, Dwayne. 360 00:16:01,974 --> 00:16:05,432 As always, it is a thrill to be here, during this witching hour 361 00:16:05,511 --> 00:16:07,241 with you lovely ladies. 362 00:16:07,313 --> 00:16:09,907 Now, relax, and let the Duke Silver Trio 363 00:16:09,983 --> 00:16:12,612 take you on a little journey to yourself. 364 00:16:28,006 --> 00:16:32,535 Ann was helping me because I was panicking about tomorrow. 365 00:16:33,646 --> 00:16:35,204 Well, did I say something to make you worry about... 366 00:16:35,281 --> 00:16:36,840 No, no. 367 00:16:37,384 --> 00:16:40,786 Just the whole idea of first dates just kind of freak me out. 368 00:16:40,855 --> 00:16:42,618 But not anymore. 369 00:16:42,690 --> 00:16:46,024 I can't even believe that I was scared to go on a date with you. 370 00:16:46,095 --> 00:16:48,587 I mean, you should be scared of me. 371 00:16:48,732 --> 00:16:49,721 Okay. 372 00:16:49,799 --> 00:16:51,892 I think I need to return this sweater. 373 00:16:51,968 --> 00:16:54,938 I think it fused with my shirt in the dryer or something. 374 00:16:55,005 --> 00:16:57,304 Okay, I think that's a sweater-shirt combo. 375 00:16:59,845 --> 00:17:02,872 I think it's going pretty well with Dave. 376 00:17:02,949 --> 00:17:05,783 He wants me. I can totally tell that he wants me. 377 00:17:05,853 --> 00:17:08,651 I'm right here. You know I'm here, right? 378 00:17:10,258 --> 00:17:13,660 Did you see my bra? Mmm? Bee, boop. 379 00:17:13,729 --> 00:17:15,856 Guess what? I'm wearing the hot one tomorrow, the black one. 380 00:17:15,931 --> 00:17:17,832 - Okay. - Can I use your bathroom? 381 00:17:17,901 --> 00:17:18,993 - Yes. - Are you impressed 382 00:17:19,031 --> 00:17:20,163 that I know what it's called? 383 00:17:20,197 --> 00:17:21,591 Look, maybe I ought to give you a lift home. 384 00:17:21,618 --> 00:17:24,781 Good. Well, in London, they call elevators "lifts." 385 00:17:24,842 --> 00:17:25,935 So, you're gonna give me an elevator home? 386 00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:27,569 - No, thank you. - Okay. Let's... Let's go. 387 00:17:27,608 --> 00:17:29,046 - Okay? - Okay. Let's go... 388 00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:30,777 - Okay. - ... down to the pub... 389 00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,442 - That's right. To the pub. - ... get a pint. 390 00:17:32,487 --> 00:17:33,544 - Yes. - We'll put our knickers 391 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,145 in The Beatles records. - Okay, yeah. That's... 392 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:36,670 This is an English accent. 393 00:17:36,791 --> 00:17:39,420 What I cannot believe is Dexhart's wife. 394 00:17:39,494 --> 00:17:41,318 I mean, how clueless can you get? 395 00:17:41,363 --> 00:17:44,231 How did she not know this was going on? 396 00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:48,032 More importantly, how does she stay with him after all this? 397 00:17:48,472 --> 00:17:49,530 I think Dexhart's credibility... 398 00:17:49,606 --> 00:17:53,805 Hey. Can I help you at 11:48 p. M? 399 00:17:53,878 --> 00:17:57,076 Okay, here's the whole thing. Here are all my skeletons. 400 00:17:57,149 --> 00:17:59,846 When I was 16, I had sex with a married woman. 401 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:01,615 - Right. - When I was in college, 402 00:18:01,644 --> 00:18:03,376 I smoked a decent amount of pot. 403 00:18:03,424 --> 00:18:05,124 - Uh-huh. - Nothing insane. When I tell you what... 404 00:18:05,144 --> 00:18:06,338 What the hell are you doing? 405 00:18:06,394 --> 00:18:09,228 What I'm doing is, I'm trying to tell you that I've done some stuff 406 00:18:09,298 --> 00:18:11,630 that I'm not very proud of. But I like you. 407 00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:13,362 So, I would rather you not find out about this 408 00:18:13,436 --> 00:18:15,427 from anyone but me. 409 00:18:15,505 --> 00:18:17,141 This was a bad idea. 410 00:18:17,875 --> 00:18:20,039 No, no. It's fine. 411 00:18:20,378 --> 00:18:23,074 I get what this is, and why you did it. 412 00:18:25,017 --> 00:18:27,417 Is there anything that you would like to share from your past, 413 00:18:27,486 --> 00:18:29,045 to sort of balance the scales? 414 00:18:29,122 --> 00:18:30,146 Yeah. 415 00:18:30,224 --> 00:18:32,283 One time this guy rang my doorbell at midnight, 416 00:18:32,359 --> 00:18:34,920 to brag about getting laid when he was 16, so I shot him. 417 00:18:34,996 --> 00:18:36,361 Good night. 418 00:18:37,833 --> 00:18:41,531 It's been a real gift making sonic love to you tonight. 419 00:18:41,605 --> 00:18:44,768 If you want more of the Duke, both my albums are for sale here, 420 00:18:44,841 --> 00:18:47,936 Smooth As Silver and Hi Ho, Duke. 421 00:18:48,012 --> 00:18:52,040 And look for my new CD next month, The Memories of Now. 422 00:18:52,951 --> 00:18:56,547 So, come see me, come talk to me, come love with me, 423 00:18:56,623 --> 00:18:59,252 and maybe we can walk through fire together. 424 00:18:59,460 --> 00:19:00,688 Thank you. Good night. 425 00:19:06,569 --> 00:19:09,163 Duke! Huge fan. 426 00:19:14,378 --> 00:19:17,780 Look, Tom. I imagine you'll wanna tell everyone about this, 427 00:19:17,849 --> 00:19:20,876 but I have worked pretty hard to cultivate a certain authoritative, 428 00:19:20,953 --> 00:19:22,318 or intimidating image around the office... 429 00:19:22,388 --> 00:19:23,856 Can I... Can I get a picture? 430 00:19:23,924 --> 00:19:25,050 Sure. 431 00:19:25,125 --> 00:19:26,683 Say, "I bested you!" 432 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:28,194 I bested you. 433 00:19:29,371 --> 00:19:31,410 - All right. Thanks for loving the Duke. - Thank you. Thank you. 434 00:19:31,433 --> 00:19:33,654 That... That was a lovely photo. 435 00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:35,463 Truce? 436 00:19:35,537 --> 00:19:36,698 Truce. 437 00:19:38,074 --> 00:19:39,166 You're kidding me. 438 00:19:39,242 --> 00:19:40,540 No. I'm not. 439 00:19:40,611 --> 00:19:41,976 You showed up at the guy's house 440 00:19:42,046 --> 00:19:44,572 in the middle of the night, drunk, 441 00:19:44,649 --> 00:19:45,911 and you didn't even sleep with him? 442 00:19:45,984 --> 00:19:46,973 Should I have? 443 00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:48,378 It never hurts. 444 00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:49,478 God. 445 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,453 Hey. 446 00:19:52,526 --> 00:19:53,550 Hey. 447 00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:54,719 Hey! 448 00:19:55,996 --> 00:19:59,558 You left quite a bit of stuff at my place last night. 449 00:19:59,634 --> 00:20:02,502 Purse, and earrings, and a shoe. 450 00:20:02,738 --> 00:20:04,365 I am so sorry for what happened last night. 451 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,137 On my list of embarrassing things that I've done in my life, 452 00:20:07,210 --> 00:20:09,907 that was numbers one through seven. 453 00:20:10,648 --> 00:20:12,172 I totally understand if you wanna cancel. 454 00:20:12,249 --> 00:20:13,273 It's okay. 455 00:20:13,351 --> 00:20:15,650 You can make it up to me tonight on our second date. 456 00:20:16,621 --> 00:20:17,680 Second? 457 00:20:17,757 --> 00:20:19,247 Well, yeah. Last night was our first date. 458 00:20:19,325 --> 00:20:21,020 So, that would make tonight our second. 459 00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:23,461 I'm looking forward to it. 8:00? 460 00:20:24,665 --> 00:20:25,791 8:00. 461 00:20:26,601 --> 00:20:27,659 You like dancing? 462 00:20:27,736 --> 00:20:28,930 Yeah! 463 00:20:28,985 --> 00:20:30,185 I don't... I'm a... I don't like dancing. 464 00:20:30,206 --> 00:20:31,537 - Then we don't have to go. - Okay. 465 00:20:32,074 --> 00:20:35,169 Well, we went on our first date, and I didn't even know it. 466 00:20:35,245 --> 00:20:37,008 A.K.A., I nailed it. 467 00:20:37,748 --> 00:20:40,274 No fires, no ambulances, 468 00:20:40,351 --> 00:20:42,046 just good old-fashioned showing up drunk 469 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,248 at a guy's house late at night. 470 00:20:46,573 --> 00:20:48,768 However, I wanna be clear, 471 00:20:49,776 --> 00:20:52,339 I have no plans to resign. 472 00:20:52,914 --> 00:20:54,416 Is it weird that my feelings are hurt 473 00:20:54,438 --> 00:20:56,703 that no one's found any dirt on me yet? 474 00:20:58,253 --> 00:21:02,735 Hello! I drove a riding lawn mower through a Nordstrom! 475 00:21:03,761 --> 00:21:07,124 There's video that I took! It's on the Internet. 476 00:21:10,201 --> 00:21:11,481 Nothing. 477 00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:14,420 Jerry. Plastic surgery? 478 00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,470 I got hit by a fire engine. 479 00:21:20,548 --> 00:21:22,174 You are so lucky. 480 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,441 How?