Today we are welcoming a delegation
from the Parks Department of our sister city,
Boraqua, Venezuela.
Our photo-op with the mayor is tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.
So, I'm gonna need your suggestions about my wardrobe ASAP:
I told you, gold sequin sweatpants.
Also, remember, everyone, Venezuela is a poor country.
These men are not used to the wealth
and flash that we have here in central Indiana.
Our only job over the next two days
is to make these men feel at home.
Yes, I am a little nervous.
Pawnee has kind of a tricky history
with welcoming foreign visitors.
But things have changed.
Our guests are gonna stay in a motel, for sure.
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Oh, God! What if they don't speak English?
April, you know Spanish, right?
Oh, good. Excellent.
My mom's Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colorful.
Oh, my God. Here they are. Okay, everybody, clean up.
Pull your thing up. Everyone, just be... Good. Jerry, hit it.
This is my baby. I've put this whole trip together,
and let me tell you something.
It's not been easy, you know?
How do you fit all of Pawnee in a 48-hour visit?
I had to drop the Rock and Roll bowling alley
from our itinerary.
That was one of the most difficult phone calls I've ever had to make.
Hello, most excellent representatives of the great Parks Department
of Boraqua, Venezuela.
I am Deputy Director of Parks and Recreation,
and Chairwoman of the Departmental Ad-Hoc
Sub-Committee for Pit Beautification, Leslie Knope.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm Vice-Director Ejecutivo del Diputado del Departamento de Parques,
Raul Alejandro Bastilla Pedro de Veloso de Maldonado.
I'm Tom.
These are my colleagues, Antonio Rivera-Fonseca, Minister of Small Fountains.
And Elvis Correja, Administrator of Hedges.
And he is?
Pay no attention to him.
He's our intern, Johnny. He is worthless.
We are quite tired from our trip.
Could you have your servant collect our bags, please?
- What'd he call me? - Tom, please.
It's a different culture, okay? Just be a good host. Do this for me?
Fine.
Yes. We will get our pathetic servant boy
to fetch your luggage. Go, boy!
Now, I know you gentlemen had a long flight,
but I have prepared a welcome party in your honor.
Excellent. I like to party.
Well, my job is to see to your every need.
Do we just select the woman we desire?
I will take the large black one.
- Interesting choice. - What?
Do you have some kind of book with photos of the women available to us?
If not, I will also take the sexy black one.
I am not surprised at all. I've been to South America.
I did very well there.
I think there might've been a translation problem.
When I said party, I meant one that did not include sex for pay.
But one that had food and drink and dancing, that sort of thing.
So, no women?
No.
Off to kind of a weird start.
We have so much to learn from each other.
What kind of birds do you guys eat?
Chickens.
Us, too! Amazing.
What is this?
Water, I'm sorry. Agua.
In our country, government officials drink only bottled water.
I can assure you that that water's very safe to drink.
No. Bottled, please. Send the boy.
Tom, go get water.
Leslie, come on!
For your troubles.
You got it, Chief.
Hey, April, can you help me out a second...
Go away, Jerry.
Okay.
This is a gold plated replica of the gun Hugo Chavez used
in the 1992 Socialist revolution.
It is a gift.
This gun truly symbolizes the blossoming peace between our two nations.
A key aspect to diplomacy is gift-giving.
The gift has to be nice enough to honor and respect the guest,
but not so nice that it shames him.
Plus, it needs to represent the local culture.
And I found the perfect thing.
A bottle of high-fructose corn syrup,
made right here in Pawnee's own Sweetums factory.
Sweetums! If you can't beat 'em, Sweetums! Since 1891.
And eight and a half dozen rubber baby bottle nipples, also made here in Pawnee.
Kernston's Rubber Nipples, tastes like the real thing.
Yes. And we too are pleased to be here in your dirty alleyway.
We thank you for the container of sap, and the bag of garbage.
His English isn't perfect, so I don't think he realizes how insulting he's being.
We're also sister cities with Kaesong, North Korea.
Their town is far nicer.
That's fine, it's my job. I'm a diplomat.
I'm not supposed to take it personally.
We haven't been here for a very long time, but what we have seen is,
really, from the bottom of our hearts, truly depressing.
Really, really sad stuff.
I mean, that's why people respect Hillary Clinton so much.
'Cause, nobody takes a punch like her.
She's the strongest, smartest punching bag in the world.
It's funny because Antonio said to me, "Can we turn this car around
"and say we're sick or something, or that we lost our way?"
Of course, that would be rude to you.
What is your profession?
I'm a city planner.
This city was planned?
On the drive in, I saw a tattoo parlor, next to a school
next to a Taco Bell.
It looks like it was designed by a very stupid rodent.
He's actually a pretty smart rodent.
- Uh-oh! - Ah!
You have a quick wit.
You know what? I've changed my mind,
I will have you for the evening.
Oh! Boy.
She'll get back to you on that.
Politically, no, I don't support Chavez.
I despise him and everything that he does.
On the other hand, this is a pretty sweet-ass gun.
The banana you wanted, senor.
Ah! Finally. You peel.
What?
With your hands, you peel the banana.
Okay! Let's get started, shall we?
I have a full day of activities planned.
I would like to see where the children are fed the sweeteners.
A restaurant?
American children are fattened more efficiently
than any other children in the world.
I mean, they're like little basketballs.
I mean, they're huge, little porkers.
Okay.
This is our thermometer!
I'm trying to turn a giant dirt pit into a community park.
But I need $35,000, and the city doesn't have enough money in its budget.
I do not understand.
You've never had a budget shortage?
No.
Venezuela is blessed with massive oil reserves.
Massive, I mean, tremendous, like, you would not believe.
Hmm.
The state sells the oil, and keeps all the money,
and we build whatever we want.
Wow, well. Now, I do not understand.
I feel my English was very clear. Shall I repeat?
Venezuela, Venezuela, my country,
has a lot of oil. Oil is food for cars.
The Venezuelans are a very confident people.
Okay, look, I know these guys didn't turn out to be exactly
how we thought they would be.
You said they might not know what toilet paper is.
I'm calling an audible. We can't be humble anymore.
What we're gonna do is, we're gonna take them to our best park
and we're gonna blow their socks off.
Yeah, I don't think that's gonna blow their socks off.
Fine, we'll go further. We'll take them to Chicago
and pretend it's part of Pawnee. Or New York. Or London!
No, wait, the money's different there.
They'll figure it out. Okay, never mind. We'll go to the park.
Everybody doing okay back there? Comfortable?
Well, the motel we're putting you up in is really nice.
You can watch TBS. Do you have TBS in Venezuela?
I have everything in Venezuela.
I have four satellite dishes on my estate.
We get 14,000 channels. Fourteen thousand.
I already know who wins Project Runway.
Wow. I'm coming over to your house then.
I see what you're getting at, but no, thank you.
I am still primarily interested in the large black woman.
Here we are! Take it in, boys.
- This is an embarrassment to America. - I'm sorry?
You are right to want to correct this.
Correct what?
This is the giant pit of dirt you were telling us about, is it not?
The one you want to turn into a park?
No, no. This is already a park.
And it's one of our best-loved parks.
Why are the trees so small?
They're not that small.
Besides, size doesn't matter.
Yes, it does. Our trees are huge.
We build tunnels through them.
The parks in Boraqua are far superior.
The park in my hometown, El parque del Este,
we have a monorail, and we have an aquarium,
and we have the Jaripa Amphitheater. It's huge.
Lady Gaga played there last week.
Great. Well, we don't have Lady Gaga.
And I don't think she's going to come here
unless her career takes a very bad turn.
But we have something more beautiful than Lady Gaga. Democracy.
I'm gonna show you an example of that.
Let's go to a town hall meeting.
Elvis, Oh Henry! Raul, Butterfinger.
Antonio, Nestle Crunch with the crispy rice removed.
Weird choice, but for you, I got it done.
I find it incredibly demeaning. But guess what?
Cash money. I'm gonna make it rain
I'm just gonna pick that up real quick.
So, are you guys ready? We're about to start.
This is where you have your meetings?
Well, the location rotates.
Sometimes we have them on the volleyball courts.
Where do you hold your meetings?
Well, now that you ask,
we usually rotate as well between different fortresses
and citadels, and palaces.
Hmm. We don't need palaces.
The ideas are what shine in our meetings.
What are you? Some kind of moron?
Why don't you have hand dryers in the park bathrooms?
They're so much more sanitary than paper towels!
Anyone knows that!
My dog went to one of your parks and ate another dog's feces.
And I'm going to sue you for that.
- How do you like it? - No!
How do you like that?
Now imagine you're holding coffee.
This is outrageous.
Where are the armed men who come in to take the protesters away?
Where are they?
This kind of behavior is never tolerated in Boraqua.
You shout like that, they put you in jail.
Right away. No trial, no nothing.
Journalists? We have a special jail for journalists.
You're stealing? Right to jail.
You're playing music too loud? Right to jail. Right away.
You're driving too fast? Jail. Slow? Jail.
You're charging too high prices for sweaters,
glasses, you right to jail.
You undercook fish, believe it or not, jail.
You overcook chicken, also jail.
Undercook, overcook.
You make an appointment with the dentist and you don't show up?
Believe it or not, jail, right away.
We have the best patients in the world, because of jail.
Well, it was tough going, but it was lively.
What did you think of the open forum?
This meeting of ugly people yelling? It is like torture.
That's one perspective.
In Boraqua, the government moves like a hot knife through butter.
Not as this here, listening to people yelling,
these fat faces turning all red?
Are you kidding me? We're like kings!
We walk down the street and they treat us like rock stars.
We answer to nobody.
In a true Democracy, we believe that the input of our citizens
is extremely valuable.
Hey! These pretzels suck!
Thank you. See?
No wonder nothing ever gets done in this country.
Really? Nothing gets done?
Tell that to the Golden Gate Bridge.
Or American Idol. Or the moon!
Oh, wait, you can't, 'cause you've never been there.
Look, this is not personal.
We just think that you are weak and your city is disgusting.
I think you're rude. And I think you've been rude since you came here.
And I think that your medals are stupid and your uniform is lame,
and you guys want to marry Hugo Chavez!
Hey! Do not disrespect Chavez.
Stupid Chavez.
- I just told you not to disrespect him. - Good, I just did.
- That's twice. - I don't like Chavez.
Yes, you do. And do not disrespect him.
- No, I don't! - Yes, you do!
No, I don't, Raul. Look, if you don't like it here, then go, okay, Raul?
- Great. - Good. Shut up.
We're shutting up, yeah. And we'll go.
- Those are our pens. - Right.
We don't even need them. Great, then don't take them.
We didn't.
They started it.
Look, those guys were rude, arrogant, narrow-minded, class-A jerks.
Now, I may have lost my cool, but they deserved it.
Okay. I'll call the mayor and cancel the photo-op.
- No! Don't do that! - Okay.
Then call the Venezuelans and apologize.
No, they were rude, arrogant, narrow-minded, class-A jerks!
Okay. Then I'll call the mayor and cancel the photo-op.
No!
Do you see the problem here?
Yes! But I don't want to!
Yesterday I was tough and direct
and today I have to be charming.
Basically... Thank you!
Yesterday I was Hillary Clinton, and today I'm Bill.
Can I get anyone anything to drink before we start?
Coffee? Brandy?
I'd love some coffee.
- Anything, guys? - No.
- Some nuts? - I'll have some nuts.
- Gummi Bears? - Sure.
- Apple crisps? - Yeah.
- Granola bars? - I'll take those.
Nothing? Sure?
Okay. I'll be right out there if you need me.
Well, Raul, gentlemen, thank you for coming.
Well, I would just like to first say,
I am so sorry for blowing up yesterday.
It was completely uncalled for.
Well, we are sorry as well. We were very tired from our long journey.
Also, we were a bit jealous.
Our colleagues from Caracas are visiting their sister city of Miami.
Yeah. They've been partying with Dwyane Wade.
They sent us all these photos and QuickTime files.
I mean, you have to see this place Miami. Just gorgeous, everything.
There's so much soul and life everywhere!
Every little tiny street, so much culture, and history!
And the cars! People really take care of their cars there.
- You notice that and they're a little older. - Clean and shiny...
but still just beautiful. - Yeah.
Really, really nice.
And the food, so spicy and wonderful. We could not even believe it.
But Pawnee is really good as well.
Yes. In any case, I made a few phone calls,
and the government of Venezuela has authorized
a special gift for you.
$35,000?
Yes, it is to fill your pit to start to build a park.
No, no, we can't take this.
Yes, yes, yes. Please. We will see you later today at the photo-opportunity.
And I think we're good here. No?
Okay. Okay, gracias.
Good meeting.
I don't know. Maybe I should return the money.
It's from a foreign government,
I don't really trust these guys.
- I'm gonna return the money. - Are you crazy?
You could buy a low-end Lexus with that money.
Or, you could build a park with that money.
Let's look at the pros and cons.
Pro, we could fill in the pit and build a park.
Con, we might be filling it in with dirty money.
Pro, $35,000 worth of dirty money.
Con, not quite sure why that's a pro.
Pro, we can fill in the pit.
Con, Ann already said that. Pro and con never works!
Pro, yes it does.
Fine. Fine. We'll keep the money. Okay?
Everybody happy? Jerry, are you happy?
What did I do? Meeting adjourned, Jerry!
Can I just say, I still feel kind of weird about this money.
Okay. Look, I know they've given you a hard time.
When the mayor gets here, we'll do the photo-op,
they'll be out of our hair,
you'll get to build your park.
Ah! Leslie! Hello.
Raul. The mayor will be with us in just a few minutes.
If you don't mind, we would like to take
a video of you to show our superiors.
Okay, sure.
Do you have the check that we gave to you?
Ah, yes, I do.
Okay, you're gonna show it to the camera
and say how much it is and what it is for.
Okay, this is a check for $35,000 and it is to build a park.
How generous!
Yes, it's really generous.
Now say "Viva Venezuela!"
Viva Venezuela!
Viva Chavez!
Thank you, Venezuela!
"Viva Chavez!" Say it!
Aw, come on.
I don't want to "viva" that guy.
We just gave you $35,000. That's worth one "viva."
Viva Chavez.
Yes! Viva Chavez!
Yeah.
What is he saying?
They are very happy. They say Hugo Chavez will love this video
because it is another success for their committee.
Committee?
Yeah.
They're a Committee to Humiliate and Shame America.
It will be a good video.
The Committee to Humiliate and Shame America?
Yes. It is Hugo Chavez's passion project. And we just had an idea.
Why don't you call the park after Chavez?
You know, you call it Hugo Chavez Park.
And you can have a nice, big fountain of his head,
so that when the water is coming out
he is spitting at you all the time.
You should write this down.
Viva America! Viva Pawnee! Viva Mayor Walter Gunderson!
You have offended us.
You have offended the government of Boraqua.
You are no longer our sister.
No, America is not perfect.
But diplomacy isn't just sucking up and being a pushover.
Sometimes you got to get tough.
I am gonna build that park myself, and it is gonna be awesome.
And it's not gonna have a fountain
shaped like Hugo Chavez's head
spitting water all over everyone.
Unless that's what the people want. And that, sir, is democracy.
Leslie, come see this! Check out this video April sent me.
Hey, guys. I'm at Johnny's place in Venezuela.
It's okay, I guess.
He has like five million rooms.
And this is only his guesthouse.
Holy cow!
There's a lot of guys with guns here.
It's better than my mom's house, I guess.
So, tell Leslie I don't know when I'm gonna be back.
Oh, and Donna's here.
Hey, guys! Ola!