1
00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:03,459
- Leslie.
- What's up, Ron?

2
00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:07,371
I'm gonna need you to go up to the Bureau
of Motor Vehicles on the fourth floor.

3
00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:11,343
We gotta talk ourselves out of this late
registration fee for the Parks van.

4
00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:13,471
Come on. I don't want to
go to the fourth floor.

5
00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:15,674
That is the creepiest
place on Earth.

6
00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:17,775
The fourth floor is awful.

7
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:22,745
The DMV, divorce filings,
probation offices. Ugh!

8
00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:26,518
They put a popcorn machine up
there just to brighten things up,

9
00:00:26,549 --> 00:00:28,012
but they used
the wrong kind of oil,

10
00:00:28,062 --> 00:00:30,758
and a bunch of people had to
get their throats replaced.

11
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:32,866
They'll only talk to you or me,

12
00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:35,603
and I can't go,
because I don't want to.

13
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,364
Okay.

14
00:00:56,758 --> 00:00:58,157
Hey, boo. You're pretty.

15
00:00:58,226 --> 00:00:59,591
Uh... Thank you, sir.

16
00:00:59,861 --> 00:01:00,885
Hey, girl.

17
00:01:00,962 --> 00:01:01,986
Are you on probation?

18
00:01:02,064 --> 00:01:04,532
I got clean urine.
You need female? I got female.

19
00:01:04,599 --> 00:01:06,868
- I'm good, thank you.
- Hey, you clean? I buy, too.

20
00:01:06,910 --> 00:01:08,502
Order. Order!

21
00:01:08,837 --> 00:01:11,829
Next case. Indiana vs...

22
00:01:19,848 --> 00:01:22,043
I know, I'm just telling you.

23
00:01:27,622 --> 00:01:28,850
Tom and Wendy?

24
00:01:29,558 --> 00:01:30,786
Popcorn?

25
00:01:53,982 --> 00:01:55,472
So, Tom,

26
00:01:55,817 --> 00:01:58,615
how's everything in
your life, generally?

27
00:01:58,854 --> 00:02:02,052
Amazing. Took a risk.
Bought some shoes online.

28
00:02:03,826 --> 00:02:06,351
Paid off handsomely,
as you can see.

29
00:02:07,430 --> 00:02:08,419
Uh-huh.

30
00:02:08,931 --> 00:02:13,561
And how are your institutions,
that you're a part of?

31
00:02:14,303 --> 00:02:15,964
Ah. You heard
about my divorce?

32
00:02:16,038 --> 00:02:19,496
I saw you on the fourth floor.
I'm so, so sorry.

33
00:02:19,976 --> 00:02:21,739
Honestly, it's fine.

34
00:02:22,078 --> 00:02:26,071
Lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and
the guy from Sum 41, am I right?

35
00:02:26,149 --> 00:02:30,279
I don't know what those are.
Look, Tom, stop working.

36
00:02:30,653 --> 00:02:31,711
Whoa!

37
00:02:31,787 --> 00:02:32,879
Would have been nice
to have saved that.

38
00:02:32,955 --> 00:02:34,517
- You should've auto-saved that.
- Right.

39
00:02:34,557 --> 00:02:36,991
That kind of feels
like your fault.

40
00:02:37,059 --> 00:02:39,789
Look, I've heard your voice when
she calls you on the phone.

41
00:02:39,862 --> 00:02:42,490
I've seen you look at her ass
when she leaves the room.

42
00:02:42,546 --> 00:02:43,903
You love her.

43
00:02:43,953 --> 00:02:46,141
Leslie, I really appreciate
what you're trying to do,

44
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,536
but I'm fine.

45
00:02:47,561 --> 00:02:50,291
Look, look at my face.
Are you watching?

46
00:02:52,108 --> 00:02:53,410
I did a little research,

47
00:02:53,476 --> 00:02:58,709
and divorce is the number two most
stressful event in a person's life.

48
00:02:59,115 --> 00:03:03,848
Of course, marriage is number seven.
So, watch out, everyone.

49
00:03:04,854 --> 00:03:06,321
It's all bad.

50
00:03:08,824 --> 00:03:11,315
We have to step up,
for Tom's sake.

51
00:03:11,394 --> 00:03:13,021
I think Tom seems fine.

52
00:03:13,095 --> 00:03:14,687
Well, that is the problem.

53
00:03:14,897 --> 00:03:17,422
Tom always seems like
Mr. Slickster Cool Guy,

54
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:19,025
but he's actually
hiding his emotions

55
00:03:19,102 --> 00:03:22,037
underneath a very thick
layer of Axe body spray.

56
00:03:22,105 --> 00:03:24,835
We have to help him.
We are his safe bubble.

57
00:03:24,908 --> 00:03:27,968
She's kind of right.
None of his family lives here,

58
00:03:28,045 --> 00:03:30,536
and all of his friends
are frat guys and morons.

59
00:03:30,614 --> 00:03:32,639
This seems like
none of our business.

60
00:03:32,716 --> 00:03:34,081
Be supportive, okay?

61
00:03:34,151 --> 00:03:37,643
Don't be all, like, "No, I don't want to.

62
00:03:37,921 --> 00:03:43,052
"I am a guy and I like fire and
playing hockey and eating meat!

63
00:03:43,126 --> 00:03:45,458
"No, no, says I!"

64
00:03:46,863 --> 00:03:48,160
That was a really good Ron.

65
00:03:48,232 --> 00:03:49,256
Thank you.

66
00:03:49,333 --> 00:03:50,595
I don't know how to explain...

67
00:03:50,667 --> 00:03:51,759
Hey, Mark.

68
00:03:51,835 --> 00:03:54,633
The shoeshine stand still doesn't
have that syphilis medication

69
00:03:54,705 --> 00:03:56,605
you were asking about.

70
00:03:57,407 --> 00:04:00,035
Ann, hey!
What a coincidence!

71
00:04:00,510 --> 00:04:04,105
Are you in this office
purely for business reasons?

72
00:04:04,681 --> 00:04:08,378
Pleasure, actually.
My boyfriend Mark works here.

73
00:04:08,452 --> 00:04:09,612
He's sitting right next to me.

74
00:04:09,686 --> 00:04:10,812
Hey, Andy.

75
00:04:10,887 --> 00:04:15,722
What a surprise, running into you all day,
every day, every single place that we are.

76
00:04:15,792 --> 00:04:19,660
Likewise. Well, I guess
I'll see you guys around.

77
00:04:19,730 --> 00:04:20,719
See you.

78
00:04:20,797 --> 00:04:23,129
Oh! Uh, also, Mark, again,

79
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:26,699
we don't have those extra-small
condoms you ordered.

80
00:04:27,137 --> 00:04:30,038
I called the factory, it's
gonna take a special order.

81
00:04:30,107 --> 00:04:33,975
Not just because of the size, but
because of the weird shape as well.

82
00:04:34,044 --> 00:04:36,673
Something they've never dealt with before.
We'll talk.

83
00:04:37,081 --> 00:04:39,709
Mark never asked me for any
small, weirdly-shaped condoms.

84
00:04:39,784 --> 00:04:41,308
I made that up.

85
00:04:42,153 --> 00:04:45,452
Every day, I subtly chip
away at their relationship.

86
00:04:45,590 --> 00:04:47,455
Weakening it, little by little.

87
00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:54,487
Where's Tom Haverford?

88
00:04:56,857 --> 00:04:58,307
For sake.

89
00:04:58,369 --> 00:05:02,396
So, you had a divorce,
of course, of course

90
00:05:02,473 --> 00:05:04,532
And no one enjoys
a divorce, of course

91
00:05:04,809 --> 00:05:05,935
I don't know what to do, man.

92
00:05:06,010 --> 00:05:09,502
I can't be like, "Hey, Leslie, it's
a green card marriage, I'm fine."

93
00:05:09,580 --> 00:05:11,548
You know, Leslie just thinks
you're a wounded animal,

94
00:05:11,616 --> 00:05:15,313
so her female instincts are kicking in.
Here's what you do.

95
00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:18,350
Act sad, let her pull
the thorn out of your paw

96
00:05:18,423 --> 00:05:20,288
and wrap a bandage around it.

97
00:05:20,425 --> 00:05:23,292
That'll make her feel better.
She'll get off your jock.

98
00:05:23,361 --> 00:05:26,296
You still can't tell anyone
about the green card thing.

99
00:05:26,364 --> 00:05:29,060
Apparently you can get in
trouble even after a divorce.

100
00:05:29,133 --> 00:05:32,034
Damn the man. Well, hey,
your secret's safe with me.

101
00:05:32,103 --> 00:05:33,593
Thanks, Rondoleezza Rice.

102
00:05:33,671 --> 00:05:37,732
Okay, everyone. The rumors are true.
Wendy and I are splitting up.

103
00:05:38,509 --> 00:05:39,976
Yeah, I'm really hurt.

104
00:05:40,044 --> 00:05:42,842
I'm so sorry you feel
that way, little friend.

105
00:05:43,147 --> 00:05:45,843
Why don't we go out tonight,
hit the town after work, huh?

106
00:05:45,917 --> 00:05:49,580
We'll make it Tom's night.
You can go anywhere you want, our treat.

107
00:05:49,654 --> 00:05:54,422
Oh, I know there's a really fun documentary
about tandem bicycles at the art house.

108
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:57,651
It's supposed to be
pretty unapologetic.

109
00:05:57,730 --> 00:05:58,822
Or we could go
to a restaurant...

110
00:05:58,897 --> 00:06:01,388
Strip club?
Did somebody say strip club?

111
00:06:01,467 --> 00:06:02,991
- No...
- Did somebody say strip club?

112
00:06:03,068 --> 00:06:05,730
You did. I definitely heard
someone say strip club.

113
00:06:05,804 --> 00:06:08,068
- You just did.
- Would the Glitter Factory be okay

114
00:06:08,140 --> 00:06:09,471
with whoever
suggested strip club?

115
00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:11,475
I don't think
that's a good idea, Tom.

116
00:06:11,543 --> 00:06:13,943
There is a great
dinosaur-themed restaurant

117
00:06:14,012 --> 00:06:16,640
in Patterson.
It is called Jurassic Fork.

118
00:06:18,584 --> 00:06:21,144
I have gone there three times
a week for the last 15 years.

119
00:06:21,220 --> 00:06:23,586
Ooh! Dinosaurs, huh?

120
00:06:24,289 --> 00:06:25,620
All right. Sounds okay.

121
00:06:25,691 --> 00:06:27,659
Okay! It's gonna be
a crazy night, guys!

122
00:06:27,726 --> 00:06:31,567
- I will see you at Jurassic Fork
at 5:45 p.m. - Yes.

123
00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:37,294
Hi. Welcome to Jurassic Fork,

124
00:06:37,369 --> 00:06:39,948
where the only thing that'll
be extinct is your appetite.

125
00:06:40,793 --> 00:06:42,480
- You ready to order?
- Yes.

126
00:06:42,508 --> 00:06:45,944
I will have the Jamaican
Jerk Chicken Veloci-Wrap.

127
00:06:46,178 --> 00:06:48,305
I'm gonna get
the Tricera-chops, please.

128
00:06:48,380 --> 00:06:50,109
How do you want that cooked?

129
00:06:50,182 --> 00:06:52,182
Medium roar.

130
00:06:53,308 --> 00:06:54,297
Medium rare?

131
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:55,797
No, medium roar.

132
00:06:56,688 --> 00:06:58,319
For legal reasons, we're
not allowed to make puns

133
00:06:58,357 --> 00:07:00,325
about the temperature
of the meats anymore.

134
00:07:00,392 --> 00:07:03,259
I'll have
the surf-and-turf-a-saurus,

135
00:07:03,328 --> 00:07:05,193
and a couple of
bottles of wine.

136
00:07:06,098 --> 00:07:08,623
I'm gonna need a lot of
wine, so keep it flowing.

137
00:07:08,700 --> 00:07:10,292
I'm not gonna be
drinking anything.

138
00:07:10,369 --> 00:07:12,463
Just wanted
everybody to know that.

139
00:07:12,739 --> 00:07:14,206
I'm not a big fan
of group dinners

140
00:07:14,274 --> 00:07:15,536
where everybody splits the bill

141
00:07:15,608 --> 00:07:17,371
no matter what they get.

142
00:07:17,444 --> 00:07:19,241
I ordered
a Tyranna-Caesar salad,

143
00:07:19,312 --> 00:07:21,075
and that's all I'm paying for.

144
00:07:23,016 --> 00:07:25,416
Hey, check it out.
They got pool.

145
00:07:26,619 --> 00:07:28,086
Mark, you want to
play a quick game?

146
00:07:28,154 --> 00:07:31,817
Finally settle the debate about who's
the better pool player?

147
00:07:31,891 --> 00:07:33,950
I've never had that debate
with anyone, Andy.

148
00:07:34,027 --> 00:07:35,679
Come on, we'll put
a little money on it.

149
00:07:35,711 --> 00:07:36,769
Make it a little
more interesting.

150
00:07:36,808 --> 00:07:38,140
- Andy, please.
- No, I just figured

151
00:07:38,165 --> 00:07:40,759
because pool is all about angles
and he's a failed architect

152
00:07:40,788 --> 00:07:42,779
that he might
want to play pool.

153
00:07:42,813 --> 00:07:45,247
- Let's do it.
- Really? That worked?

154
00:07:45,701 --> 00:07:48,470
How to hustle somebody
in pool, by Andy Dwyer.

155
00:07:48,650 --> 00:07:50,483
Step one, find the person
you want to hustle.

156
00:07:50,514 --> 00:07:51,989
Invite them to play pool.

157
00:07:52,147 --> 00:07:54,665
Should they accept, you're in.

158
00:07:55,513 --> 00:07:56,701
Here's what I think
we should do.

159
00:07:56,725 --> 00:08:00,286
Everyone should go around and say
one thing that they love about Tom.

160
00:08:00,318 --> 00:08:01,478
I'll start.

161
00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:04,304
- I really wish I could
have your body. - What?

162
00:08:04,353 --> 00:08:06,913
Ew! Like, tied up,
naked, in your basement?

163
00:08:06,970 --> 00:08:10,497
No, no. I mean, you're in good shape
and you can eat whatever you want.

164
00:08:10,592 --> 00:08:12,423
Well, that was weird, Jerry.

165
00:08:12,494 --> 00:08:13,654
Ann, you go ahead.

166
00:08:13,729 --> 00:08:15,629
I think Tom is really nice.

167
00:08:15,672 --> 00:08:17,560
Also, if you guys want to
give me your credit cards,

168
00:08:17,585 --> 00:08:19,012
I'll just divide it up
myself, I don't mind.

169
00:08:19,058 --> 00:08:20,088
Oh, my God!
Don't worry about it.

170
00:08:20,112 --> 00:08:21,668
The restaurant will
just divide it evenly.

171
00:08:21,705 --> 00:08:24,299
Just enjoy yourself.
April, go ahead.

172
00:08:25,196 --> 00:08:28,029
Tom is the only cool
person in the office.

173
00:08:29,211 --> 00:08:30,337
Ridiculous. Donna?

174
00:08:30,412 --> 00:08:33,041
I love you, Tom.
You're my little prince.

175
00:08:33,516 --> 00:08:38,317
I just want to put you in a little cape
and a little hat and just fly you around.

176
00:08:38,388 --> 00:08:41,400
Thank you, Donna.
Hey, garçon.

177
00:08:42,125 --> 00:08:46,112
I'm still feeling pretty sad.
Can I get two crème brûlées

178
00:08:46,162 --> 00:08:48,687
and another glass
of bronto grigio?

179
00:08:49,098 --> 00:08:53,933
I thought I had Tom all figured out, but
it's almost like he's faking being sad.

180
00:08:54,470 --> 00:08:55,937
Why would he do that?

181
00:08:58,675 --> 00:09:02,611
And that's game.
I think you now owe me $25.

182
00:09:02,779 --> 00:09:05,873
Shoot. Someone had a pool
table growing up, huh?

183
00:09:06,182 --> 00:09:07,672
Hey, no, no. What do
you say we play again?

184
00:09:07,750 --> 00:09:11,242
We'll make it a little more interesting.
Go double or nothing?

185
00:09:11,321 --> 00:09:12,549
Why not?

186
00:09:12,989 --> 00:09:14,013
Step two.

187
00:09:14,691 --> 00:09:18,422
Lose to your opponent intentionally
so they gain confidence.

188
00:09:18,728 --> 00:09:21,253
Step two has been
completed easily.

189
00:09:22,365 --> 00:09:25,334
Very easily.
Mark is pretty good at pool.

190
00:09:26,970 --> 00:09:30,599
So, how are you feeling, Tom?
Are you feeling okay?

191
00:09:30,940 --> 00:09:34,398
I like pretending to be sad.
I now see why girls do it.

192
00:09:34,611 --> 00:09:38,877
So, your arrangement with Wendy,
it really was completely platonic?

193
00:09:39,382 --> 00:09:41,714
Yeah. Never so much
as even kissed,

194
00:09:41,784 --> 00:09:44,651
except for a little peck at the
wedding ceremony for appearances.

195
00:09:44,721 --> 00:09:47,053
Uh, now that you're
getting divorced,

196
00:09:47,123 --> 00:09:52,391
I sort of feel like there may be
some potential with me and Wendy.

197
00:09:53,564 --> 00:09:58,365
Would it be okay with you if I was to ask
her out, once the fake dust settles?

198
00:09:59,436 --> 00:10:01,802
Yeah, why not? Sure.

199
00:10:02,506 --> 00:10:07,443
Looking at her, I feel like she might
be the perfect spooning size for me.

200
00:10:08,445 --> 00:10:10,310
I'm gonna take a leak.

201
00:10:17,087 --> 00:10:20,318
Oh! That would be $6,400.

202
00:10:21,492 --> 00:10:24,052
I accept checks and
most major credit cards.

203
00:10:24,228 --> 00:10:25,422
Yeah!

204
00:10:25,496 --> 00:10:27,930
Mark is way better than me.
I'm gonna...

205
00:10:27,998 --> 00:10:32,128
I'm gonna say that
there is at least a chance

206
00:10:32,803 --> 00:10:34,930
that I didn't think
this through completely.

207
00:10:36,573 --> 00:10:38,234
I think I'm done, Andy.

208
00:10:38,308 --> 00:10:39,400
Okay. Forget money.

209
00:10:39,476 --> 00:10:42,411
We'll play for something else.

210
00:10:42,479 --> 00:10:43,844
You have nothing
else to give me.

211
00:10:43,981 --> 00:10:47,348
I have a T-shirt I tackled Eddie Vedder in.
It's literally priceless.

212
00:10:47,418 --> 00:10:50,854
Okay, how about this?
If you win, you don't owe me any money,

213
00:10:50,921 --> 00:10:53,151
but if I win, you have to
stop bugging me and Ann.

214
00:10:53,223 --> 00:10:54,349
What are you talking about?

215
00:10:54,425 --> 00:10:57,394
No more comments, no more showing
up when we're hanging out together.

216
00:10:57,461 --> 00:10:58,792
You have to leave us alone.

217
00:10:58,862 --> 00:11:02,491
That doesn't seem like
a very fair bet, Mark.

218
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:06,230
So, if I win, I also get Ann.

219
00:11:07,037 --> 00:11:10,303
Okay, fine. If you win,
then you get Ann.

220
00:11:11,209 --> 00:11:12,369
Rack them up!

221
00:11:12,444 --> 00:11:13,843
Somebody punch someone!

222
00:11:14,979 --> 00:11:18,346
So, how you doing, buddy?
Want some steak? Champagne?

223
00:11:18,850 --> 00:11:20,340
Think of something extravagant
and we'll get it for you.

224
00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:23,615
What do you want?
A cheese fountain? A ruby?

225
00:11:24,389 --> 00:11:26,619
A goose heart?

226
00:11:27,192 --> 00:11:29,752
How about a marriage?
How about a non-divorce?

227
00:11:29,828 --> 00:11:32,524
Tom, I'm sorry.
Maybe you guys just need some time apart,

228
00:11:32,597 --> 00:11:34,622
you know, to remember how much
you care about each other.

229
00:11:34,699 --> 00:11:38,465
Leslie, think about it.
Does our marriage really make sense to you?

230
00:11:38,536 --> 00:11:40,868
She's a tall,
beautiful surgeon.

231
00:11:41,005 --> 00:11:44,941
I'm a short, beautiful government
employee/club promoter.

232
00:11:45,710 --> 00:11:46,904
You're a club promoter?

233
00:11:46,978 --> 00:11:48,138
Aspiring.

234
00:11:49,147 --> 00:11:52,605
The point is, I
never meant anything to her.

235
00:11:52,684 --> 00:11:54,242
It wasn't even a real marriage.

236
00:11:55,086 --> 00:11:57,714
Now, the sadness is
pouring out of Tom,

237
00:11:57,789 --> 00:12:01,555
like blood from a pterodactyl
after it's attacked by a T-Rex.

238
00:12:01,626 --> 00:12:05,426
I have to take him to a place
where he can't possibly be sad.

239
00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:10,492
Oh, crap.

240
00:12:10,935 --> 00:12:12,766
- We are going to the Glitter Factory.
- What?

241
00:12:12,837 --> 00:12:15,067
Not me.
I can't go back there.

242
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,902
But if you see Jasmine,
tell her she can keep Anthony,

243
00:12:17,976 --> 00:12:20,103
but I want my microwave back.

244
00:12:20,445 --> 00:12:22,413
Okay, good. You're gonna
take April home.

245
00:12:22,781 --> 00:12:24,544
No, I want to go
to the Glitter Factory.

246
00:12:24,616 --> 00:12:28,610
Well, drop out of school and start doing meth.
Let's go, everybody.

247
00:12:29,822 --> 00:12:32,188
Leslie, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

248
00:12:32,258 --> 00:12:35,989
but once you go in there, you will
see things you cannot un-see.

249
00:12:36,061 --> 00:12:38,586
I'm a feminist, okay?
I would never, ever go to a strip club.

250
00:12:38,664 --> 00:12:41,599
I've gone on record that if I
had to have a stripper's name,

251
00:12:41,667 --> 00:12:43,567
it would be "Equality."

252
00:12:43,736 --> 00:12:45,829
But I'm willing to sacrifice
all that I've worked for

253
00:12:45,905 --> 00:12:48,430
just to put a smile on your
perverted little face.

254
00:12:48,507 --> 00:12:49,940
- So don't blow this.
- All right.

255
00:12:50,009 --> 00:12:52,569
Okay! Lap dances are on me.
I mean, I'm paying for them.

256
00:12:52,645 --> 00:12:55,637
- They're not gonna actually be on me.
- Got it.

257
00:12:55,981 --> 00:12:58,916
I kind of feel like Jane Goodall
studying the chimps, you know?

258
00:12:58,984 --> 00:13:00,815
'Cause there are some
feminist scholars

259
00:13:00,886 --> 00:13:03,855
who say that stripping
is a feminist act.

260
00:13:12,824 --> 00:13:15,759
There is a girl here
that also works at Quiznos.

261
00:13:15,827 --> 00:13:19,593
She's really nice to me here, but
really mean to me at Quiznos.

262
00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:24,208
Okay, Tom, go put these in
places I do not approve of.

263
00:13:24,353 --> 00:13:28,084
Leslie, I'm gonna put these in
places you've never heard of.

264
00:13:28,165 --> 00:13:32,397
Yeah, I've been a little down.
Totally natural. I'm getting divorced.

265
00:13:33,037 --> 00:13:36,413
But now, I'm ready to pull
myself up by some g-strings.

266
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:39,838
God! It is rough in here.
Is it always like this?

267
00:13:40,144 --> 00:13:42,612
I wouldn't know.
Don't like strip clubs.

268
00:13:43,013 --> 00:13:44,777
Smells like a wet mop in here.

269
00:13:45,183 --> 00:13:49,313
And I get the feeling that every one of
these women is running a low-grade fever.

270
00:13:49,387 --> 00:13:51,252
You're one
of the good ones, Ron.

271
00:13:51,323 --> 00:13:52,585
Wait a minute.

272
00:13:53,425 --> 00:13:55,052
Hello, beautiful.

273
00:13:56,728 --> 00:14:00,687
Strippers do nothing for me.
I like a strong, salt-of-the-earth,

274
00:14:00,765 --> 00:14:03,325
self-possessed woman
at the top of her field.

275
00:14:03,401 --> 00:14:05,926
Your Steffi Grafs,
your Sheryl Swoopeses.

276
00:14:06,504 --> 00:14:11,441
But I will take a free breakfast
buffet any time, any place.

277
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:22,084
Tomcat, pull up a mouth.
This buffet is unstoppable.

278
00:14:22,787 --> 00:14:24,277
Yeah, I'm not hungry.

279
00:14:24,356 --> 00:14:28,417
By the way, you're doing a bang-up
job of looking sad about Wendy.

280
00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:31,856
Does she make scrambled eggs?

281
00:14:32,764 --> 00:14:33,822
No.

282
00:14:33,899 --> 00:14:34,888
Take it down a notch.

283
00:14:35,467 --> 00:14:38,061
You already won
your Oscar, DiCaprio.

284
00:14:39,271 --> 00:14:41,865
Coming on stage
next is Angel. Angel!

285
00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:47,240
Ann, in case I don't sink this, it's
been a real pleasure dating you.

286
00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:54,347
Scratch on the eight!

287
00:14:57,522 --> 00:15:02,051
I'm victorious. I am awesome at
pool and I hustled your ass.

288
00:15:02,828 --> 00:15:05,456
Ann, take a moment
to say goodbye.

289
00:15:06,666 --> 00:15:09,191
I don't even know how to say this.
I am so sorry,

290
00:15:09,268 --> 00:15:12,328
and I will do my best
to visit you on holidays.

291
00:15:12,872 --> 00:15:14,032
Thanks, you tried.

292
00:15:14,106 --> 00:15:15,232
I guess you're his now.

293
00:15:15,308 --> 00:15:16,570
Do you want to get out of here?

294
00:15:16,642 --> 00:15:17,836
I do. Yeah.

295
00:15:17,910 --> 00:15:19,241
Bye, Andy.

296
00:15:19,445 --> 00:15:24,348
I know that, legally,
Ann is now mine,

297
00:15:24,717 --> 00:15:27,845
but it weirdly
doesn't feel that way.

298
00:15:30,222 --> 00:15:33,385
- All right, Tom! This is Seabiscuit.
- Sierra.

299
00:15:33,459 --> 00:15:35,120
Sierra. Sorry.
It's loud in here.

300
00:15:35,194 --> 00:15:38,891
And I gave her money to
writhe around on your parts.

301
00:15:39,465 --> 00:15:40,727
Leslie, I don't
want to do that.

302
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,233
Well, I already paid her.

303
00:15:42,301 --> 00:15:43,451
- Can I get my money back?
- No.

304
00:15:43,502 --> 00:15:44,935
Okay, so let her
do her writhing.

305
00:15:45,004 --> 00:15:46,062
All right.

306
00:15:46,138 --> 00:15:48,902
I just gotta say, Sierra.
I really don't get why this cheers men up,

307
00:15:48,975 --> 00:15:51,000
because it's very insincere
and it's very fleeting.

308
00:15:51,077 --> 00:15:53,875
But go crazy, okay?
Give my friend here the works.

309
00:15:53,946 --> 00:15:56,176
- Really grind the sorrow out of him.
- You got it.

310
00:15:56,248 --> 00:15:57,909
And then, afterwards, maybe
reconsider your profession,

311
00:15:57,984 --> 00:15:59,952
but for now, grind away.

312
00:16:03,456 --> 00:16:04,787
Whoo!

313
00:16:05,324 --> 00:16:07,383
Stripper dancing action!

314
00:16:10,162 --> 00:16:11,959
This isn't working.
I don't want to do this.

315
00:16:12,031 --> 00:16:15,057
Is it because you have a strong,
positive female figure watching you?

316
00:16:15,134 --> 00:16:17,193
No. It's because
I'm miserable.

317
00:16:17,269 --> 00:16:18,395
Okay. Never mind.

318
00:16:19,071 --> 00:16:21,700
Thank you, Seabiscuit.
That'll be all.

319
00:16:21,875 --> 00:16:24,639
All Glitter Factory
girls, please come backstage.

320
00:16:24,711 --> 00:16:25,735
Tom.

321
00:16:26,146 --> 00:16:27,443
I don't know
what's wrong with me.

322
00:16:28,382 --> 00:16:31,317
This is honestly
the saddest I've ever been.

323
00:16:31,385 --> 00:16:32,409
Glitter Bomb!

324
00:16:40,794 --> 00:16:41,783
Ah!

325
00:16:43,096 --> 00:16:46,532
I've been to the Glitter
Factory a million times.

326
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:50,701
That girl up there,
she's my emergency contact.

327
00:16:51,204 --> 00:16:53,604
But right now, I hate it here,

328
00:16:54,408 --> 00:16:56,467
and I just want to see Wendy.

329
00:16:56,543 --> 00:17:00,343
Tom, it's perfectly normal to feel
devastated when something's over.

330
00:17:00,414 --> 00:17:03,713
It's exactly how I felt when that
Planet Earth series ended.

331
00:17:03,784 --> 00:17:07,447
Sixty days. And then she's
free to marry Ron Swanson.

332
00:17:08,488 --> 00:17:09,887
What? Ron?

333
00:17:09,956 --> 00:17:12,049
He's gonna ask her out.
He told me.

334
00:17:12,526 --> 00:17:16,326
But who cares? If it's not him,
it'll just be some other guy.

335
00:17:19,332 --> 00:17:23,063
Swanson! Did you tell Tom that
you were gonna ask out Wendy?

336
00:17:24,037 --> 00:17:25,129
It's complicated.

337
00:17:25,205 --> 00:17:26,763
What is wrong with you?

338
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,308
I wish I wasn't alive
to hear myself say this,

339
00:17:29,376 --> 00:17:32,436
but I am ashamed
to be your deputy.

340
00:17:32,846 --> 00:17:34,279
I don't get men.

341
00:17:34,347 --> 00:17:36,542
If they're not wagering
their girlfriends in pool,

342
00:17:36,616 --> 00:17:39,017
then they're trying
to steal each other's wives.

343
00:17:39,087 --> 00:17:42,682
It makes you question the whole
notion of those bromance movies.

344
00:17:43,624 --> 00:17:44,682
Tom.

345
00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:49,696
Great! Good, okay.
Could you carry him out of here, please?

346
00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:53,564
And, you know, also maybe not
have sex with his wife? Thanks.

347
00:17:55,369 --> 00:17:56,529
From the knees.

348
00:17:56,604 --> 00:17:58,071
He weighs eight pounds.

349
00:18:00,741 --> 00:18:01,730
Oh! Oh.

350
00:18:02,043 --> 00:18:03,806
- Oh, boy.
- Hi, Wendy.

351
00:18:04,178 --> 00:18:06,738
We took Tom out tonight, and he had
a little bit too much to drink.

352
00:18:06,814 --> 00:18:08,111
Oh!

353
00:18:08,182 --> 00:18:10,980
Okay.
Come on in.

354
00:18:15,156 --> 00:18:18,387
Oh, my God.
You insensitive little hussy.

355
00:18:18,593 --> 00:18:19,582
Excuse me?

356
00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:21,491
Leslie, whoa. Halt.

357
00:18:21,829 --> 00:18:25,629
You're not even divorced yet and
you're inviting other men over?

358
00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:26,724
You were married?

359
00:18:26,757 --> 00:18:29,696
Uh... Technically.
Yeah, that's...

360
00:18:30,004 --> 00:18:31,335
That's my husband.

361
00:18:31,405 --> 00:18:32,633
Who's he carrying?

362
00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:34,832
No. No, that's his...
That's his boss.

363
00:18:34,909 --> 00:18:38,606
My husband's the one that's
being carried by his boss.

364
00:18:39,046 --> 00:18:40,911
- How's it going?
- Good.

365
00:18:41,249 --> 00:18:44,810
You know what, Wendy?
You and Ron will be perfect for each other.

366
00:18:44,886 --> 00:18:49,721
You two should get married and start a
club for people who betray Tom Haverford.

367
00:18:51,559 --> 00:18:53,459
You have a lovely home.

368
00:18:56,732 --> 00:18:58,632
So, where do you want this?

369
00:18:59,768 --> 00:19:02,259
So, how you feeling?
Rough morning?

370
00:19:02,504 --> 00:19:05,473
- You know those hangover pills
you can order on TV? - Mmm.

371
00:19:05,541 --> 00:19:08,237
I threw up a bunch of them this morning.
I feel much better.

372
00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:09,800
I know last night
was really rough,

373
00:19:09,878 --> 00:19:12,540
but all I want for you is to
be able to get over this.

374
00:19:12,614 --> 00:19:14,081
Leslie, I need to
tell you something.

375
00:19:14,148 --> 00:19:14,935
Okay.

376
00:19:14,966 --> 00:19:18,010
Uh... The reason I was
acting weird yesterday

377
00:19:18,053 --> 00:19:21,420
was Wendy and I have
a green card marriage.

378
00:19:23,292 --> 00:19:25,260
Oh, my God,
because you're a Libyan!

379
00:19:25,327 --> 00:19:27,261
No. Damn it.
Wendy's from Canada.

380
00:19:27,329 --> 00:19:29,320
Oh! Oh. Okay.

381
00:19:30,532 --> 00:19:31,688
Wait. Start again.

382
00:19:33,402 --> 00:19:34,596
This...

383
00:19:35,771 --> 00:19:39,502
Hey, Ann. Mark. You guys got a second?
It's about last night.

384
00:19:39,575 --> 00:19:43,136
I hope I'm not gonna have to explain
to you that you don't actually own me.

385
00:19:43,212 --> 00:19:44,201
Of course not.

386
00:19:44,279 --> 00:19:47,476
I never for one second
thought that that was for real.

387
00:19:48,250 --> 00:19:52,016
Look, you don't have to worry
about me bothering you anymore.

388
00:19:52,087 --> 00:19:55,818
You clearly have something going,
and I should respect that.

389
00:19:56,291 --> 00:20:00,125
Okay. If you say "psych" right
now I'm gonna be really pissed.

390
00:20:00,762 --> 00:20:03,663
You remembered how much
I like to say "psych."

391
00:20:04,199 --> 00:20:06,690
But no, no.
This is no psych.

392
00:20:07,269 --> 00:20:10,432
Andy, thank you for
saying all that just now.

393
00:20:11,173 --> 00:20:12,265
Sure.

394
00:20:13,275 --> 00:20:16,177
Goodbye, A-Cakes.
Hello, Ann.

395
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,341
Goodbye, Ann.

396
00:20:21,017 --> 00:20:22,507
Goodbye, Andy.

397
00:20:22,585 --> 00:20:23,574
Oh, oh.

398
00:20:28,258 --> 00:20:30,488
I thought for a second you were
gonna chase after me right there,

399
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:34,257
but you didn't, and that's okay.
I meant every word I said.

400
00:20:35,898 --> 00:20:38,890
Aw, you like your wife?
That's a bummer.

401
00:20:39,502 --> 00:20:41,339
Does anyone else know
that you like your wife?

402
00:20:41,371 --> 00:20:43,202
Does your wife know
that you like your wife?

403
00:20:43,273 --> 00:20:45,400
I didn't know until yesterday.

404
00:20:45,475 --> 00:20:48,911
So don't tell anyone.
Don't tell Ron. It's my problem.

405
00:20:50,346 --> 00:20:53,440
How could there possibly
still be glitter on me?

406
00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:57,814
It takes forever to get off.
My crotch looks like a disco ball.

407
00:21:12,068 --> 00:21:16,630
Leslie's sorry She
called you selfish, of course

408
00:21:16,706 --> 00:21:18,867
She just didn't know
the full story, of course

409
00:21:18,941 --> 00:21:22,468
But now that she does
She's sorry, of course

410
00:21:22,645 --> 00:21:24,738
She loves being your deputy