1 00:00:01,110 --> 00:00:03,806 Hi, I'm Tom Haverford. I work at the Parks Department. 2 00:00:04,379 --> 00:00:05,505 It's a little douchie. 3 00:00:05,869 --> 00:00:06,787 Good call, J. 4 00:00:06,815 --> 00:00:09,010 I'm getting divorced, so I'm trying to up my game. 5 00:00:09,084 --> 00:00:11,327 Who am I supposed to ask for fashion advice? Jerry? 6 00:00:11,385 --> 00:00:13,853 He wears the same soup-stained khakis every day. 7 00:00:13,921 --> 00:00:17,383 Justin's my savior. He's like an issue of GQ that's come to life. 8 00:00:20,027 --> 00:00:21,187 Tommy Timberlake. 9 00:00:21,262 --> 00:00:22,820 You look like Encyclopedia Brown. 10 00:00:23,798 --> 00:00:24,787 Sequins! 11 00:00:26,134 --> 00:00:27,465 Try it without the gloves. 12 00:00:28,736 --> 00:00:31,363 Sequins, minus the gloves. 13 00:00:31,548 --> 00:00:33,730 Hey, what's up? I'm Tom. Is my shirt lighting up? 14 00:00:33,761 --> 00:00:35,455 'Cause I didn't even notice. 15 00:00:36,042 --> 00:00:38,010 All right, guys. Let's talk accessories. 16 00:00:38,078 --> 00:00:40,638 Be honest. Which cane do you like better? Dragon? Serpent? 17 00:00:40,714 --> 00:00:42,069 Dragon? Serpent? 18 00:00:42,115 --> 00:00:43,742 Belt buckle, says, "What's cracking?" 19 00:00:43,817 --> 00:00:46,377 I can have it say whatever I want. It can say, "What's cracking? I'm Tom. 20 00:00:46,453 --> 00:00:48,216 "What's cracking, girl? What's cracking, boo?" 21 00:00:49,088 --> 00:00:50,713 Eagle medallion! 22 00:00:51,347 --> 00:00:54,077 Well, as far as white, leather suits go... 23 00:00:54,226 --> 00:00:55,523 It's horrible. 24 00:00:56,929 --> 00:00:58,078 I like it. 25 00:01:20,185 --> 00:01:21,880 Sweetums has been Pawnee's 26 00:01:21,909 --> 00:01:26,428 leading sweet-treat manufacturer for over 80 years. 27 00:01:26,591 --> 00:01:32,028 And we are so excited about our new partnership with the Parks Department. 28 00:01:33,897 --> 00:01:34,921 Starting next month, 29 00:01:34,998 --> 00:01:37,432 Sweetums is gonna take over the concession stands in our parks. 30 00:01:38,468 --> 00:01:40,938 I mean, I don't love the idea of corporate sponsorship, 31 00:01:40,963 --> 00:01:42,963 but Sweetums is an institution. 32 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,605 When you think of Pawnee, you think of Sweetums. 33 00:01:45,775 --> 00:01:48,300 Although candy is our bread and butter, 34 00:01:48,678 --> 00:01:51,078 we also care about the health of our customers. 35 00:01:51,347 --> 00:01:57,877 And that's why we'll be debuting our new healthy energy bar, NutriYums. 36 00:01:58,421 --> 00:01:59,479 Take a look. 37 00:02:01,190 --> 00:02:04,989 Hi, I'm Nick Newport, Jr., CEO of Sweetums. 38 00:02:05,060 --> 00:02:09,463 And I'd like to introduce to you our new line of energy bars, NutriYums. 39 00:02:09,531 --> 00:02:11,590 We start with 100% all-natural corn, 40 00:02:11,933 --> 00:02:13,992 then we add just a little bit of Sweetums corn syrup, 41 00:02:14,269 --> 00:02:16,396 a little drop of sunshine, and some other stuff. 42 00:02:16,471 --> 00:02:18,905 And since they're from Sweetums, you know your kids are gonna love them. 43 00:02:18,974 --> 00:02:21,841 Wow, that family looks so healthy. Look at them. They're all wearing vests! 44 00:02:21,879 --> 00:02:23,704 - Dakota, denver. 45 00:02:23,729 --> 00:02:25,864 Sorry, shoelace, we don't make nutriyums 46 00:02:25,889 --> 00:02:27,714 For dogs... Yet. 47 00:02:28,383 --> 00:02:29,477 Shoelace. 48 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:33,314 NutriYums. Where nutritious meets tasty. By Sweetums. 49 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:36,314 If you can't beat them... 50 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:37,789 - Sweetums! - Sweetums! 51 00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,745 I could not be happier about this. 52 00:02:39,897 --> 00:02:42,888 I think the entire government should be privatized. 53 00:02:43,162 --> 00:02:45,653 Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks. 54 00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:50,226 Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. 55 00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:53,094 Drop in another token, take a walk. 56 00:02:53,606 --> 00:02:55,233 Drop in a token, look at a duck. 57 00:02:57,210 --> 00:03:01,306 Brendanawicz! Quick question, do you personally know Xzibit? 58 00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:05,282 Because I was checking out that pickup truck of yours, and that ride is pimped! 59 00:03:05,751 --> 00:03:10,017 It's really nice of you to compliment my pickup truck with no ulterior motives. 60 00:03:10,088 --> 00:03:12,454 Yeah, so, listen, I need to move some stuff this weekend 61 00:03:12,524 --> 00:03:15,322 into my new bachelor pad, since my divorce is finally going down. 62 00:03:15,394 --> 00:03:16,486 Just some odds and ends. 63 00:03:16,561 --> 00:03:18,859 You can bring up the Mark-mobile, help me move, right? 64 00:03:18,930 --> 00:03:21,659 I'm totally blanking on a valid excuse right now, 65 00:03:21,732 --> 00:03:23,757 so, yes. I'll help you. - My boy! 66 00:03:25,361 --> 00:03:27,488 I hate having a pickup truck. 67 00:03:28,039 --> 00:03:31,907 Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you. 68 00:03:31,976 --> 00:03:33,757 I'm moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place 69 00:03:33,790 --> 00:03:35,917 this weekend. - Can I help you move? 70 00:03:36,447 --> 00:03:37,734 I'm really good at it. 71 00:03:37,807 --> 00:03:40,576 Afterwards, I'll take the cardboard from the boxes and use it for break dancing. 72 00:03:40,625 --> 00:03:42,525 - I'll go, too. - Really? 73 00:03:42,652 --> 00:03:43,676 'Cause an hour ago 74 00:03:43,753 --> 00:03:46,017 you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents. 75 00:03:46,089 --> 00:03:49,718 Shut up. I don't have anything else to do. Do you want help or not? 76 00:03:49,926 --> 00:03:51,826 All right. See you guys later. 77 00:03:52,629 --> 00:03:57,566 I think that that's really, really sweet, that your grandparents still make love. 78 00:04:04,139 --> 00:04:05,800 - Ready to go? - Yes. 79 00:04:06,141 --> 00:04:07,403 Your keys, please. 80 00:04:07,476 --> 00:04:09,842 You gotta be kidding me. I'm fine. 81 00:04:10,145 --> 00:04:12,477 Well, we'll let the chart be the judge of that. 82 00:04:13,148 --> 00:04:17,948 What are you, 5'11", 210 pounds, three whiskeys? 83 00:04:18,052 --> 00:04:21,180 Looks like you are just over the line into impaired. 84 00:04:21,422 --> 00:04:23,219 You carry that with you all the time? 85 00:04:23,291 --> 00:04:24,451 It comes in handy. 86 00:04:24,859 --> 00:04:26,850 And on the back, it teaches you how to play blackjack. 87 00:04:26,928 --> 00:04:30,193 Swansons have a preternaturally high tolerance for alcohol. 88 00:04:30,264 --> 00:04:32,755 My old man used to put Wild Turkey on his Corn Flakes. 89 00:04:32,834 --> 00:04:35,166 I'm not gonna argue with you, Ron. We're just gonna sit and wait 90 00:04:35,236 --> 00:04:38,295 until, you know, you're safe to drive, which would be in about 91 00:04:39,706 --> 00:04:40,695 one hour. 92 00:04:42,709 --> 00:04:48,375 "Insurance is a side bet when you wager half of your original bet 93 00:04:48,448 --> 00:04:52,680 "because you believe the dealer has a 10 in the hole." 94 00:04:54,855 --> 00:04:56,879 Get off my car, woman! 95 00:04:56,956 --> 00:04:58,150 Twenty minutes. 96 00:04:59,058 --> 00:05:02,585 The dealer really has an advantage. That's what I get the most from this. 97 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:08,194 Hey, Ron. 98 00:05:09,835 --> 00:05:12,235 Morning, Leslie. Did you have a good night? 99 00:05:12,304 --> 00:05:15,500 I did. I watched a really good... What is that? 100 00:05:15,573 --> 00:05:17,268 This is what I did last night. 101 00:05:17,342 --> 00:05:20,937 After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whiskey 102 00:05:21,012 --> 00:05:23,412 and then I finished crafting this small harp, 103 00:05:23,481 --> 00:05:27,417 using a band saw, a spoke shave and an oscillating spindle sander. 104 00:05:29,921 --> 00:05:31,582 - Beautiful. - But wait, there's more. 105 00:05:31,723 --> 00:05:34,350 Here are some photographs of me drinking the whiskey. 106 00:05:34,425 --> 00:05:36,290 You'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper, 107 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,692 so you can tell that I'm not lying. 108 00:05:39,263 --> 00:05:41,424 I feel like I'm in a spa. 109 00:05:43,767 --> 00:05:46,861 So, I got my truck all cleaned out and ready to go for tomorrow. 110 00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:49,531 Do you have, like, furniture pads and dollies? 111 00:05:49,556 --> 00:05:50,473 That sort of thing? 112 00:05:50,492 --> 00:05:52,056 Ooh, I thought the mover supplied those. 113 00:05:52,125 --> 00:05:53,250 I'm not a mover! 114 00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:56,210 I'm a sap who owns a truck. 115 00:05:56,228 --> 00:05:58,788 Don't talk about yourself like that. And bring some coffee. 116 00:05:59,048 --> 00:06:01,915 Hey, are you moving out? Have you told Wendy how you feel yet? 117 00:06:02,518 --> 00:06:04,645 - Waiting for the right time. - It's right now. 118 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:05,778 The time is now. 119 00:06:05,855 --> 00:06:07,720 Just don't worry about it. I'm fine. 120 00:06:07,790 --> 00:06:08,848 Hmm. 121 00:06:08,925 --> 00:06:09,914 What's that over there? 122 00:06:09,992 --> 00:06:11,425 - Mmm! - Holy cow. 123 00:06:11,494 --> 00:06:12,687 - Yeah. - Wow. 124 00:06:12,761 --> 00:06:14,661 - That is good stuff. - Great, right? 125 00:06:14,729 --> 00:06:15,904 - Oh, my God. - They're amazing. 126 00:06:15,950 --> 00:06:17,008 They're more than amazing. 127 00:06:17,065 --> 00:06:18,362 They are terrific. 128 00:06:18,433 --> 00:06:20,128 Terrific's not more than amazing, Jerry. 129 00:06:20,202 --> 00:06:22,227 No? Well, it's not less. 130 00:06:22,304 --> 00:06:24,772 Everything Sweetums makes is off the charts. 131 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,705 I like their candy fingernails. 132 00:06:26,775 --> 00:06:28,538 I can't believe these things are healthy. 133 00:06:28,610 --> 00:06:31,476 It's not that crazy. Krackel bars, also healthy and delicious. 134 00:06:31,545 --> 00:06:32,534 No, they're not. 135 00:06:32,913 --> 00:06:35,541 Yeah. They actually have rice in them. So... 136 00:06:36,183 --> 00:06:39,346 Andy, you're fine, but you're simple. 137 00:06:44,458 --> 00:06:46,517 Who just put 100 of these in their body? 138 00:06:46,594 --> 00:06:51,587 Ann! Oh! Look at you! You're looking pretty unhealthy today. 139 00:06:51,664 --> 00:06:54,258 You might need one of these, NutriYum, by Sweetums. 140 00:06:54,334 --> 00:06:55,858 If you can't beat them, Sweetums! 141 00:06:55,935 --> 00:06:57,698 - I love that song. - Ow! 142 00:06:57,770 --> 00:06:59,328 I need to go check my e-mail. 143 00:06:59,405 --> 00:07:00,963 We're gonna sell these in the park now. 144 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:02,234 They're healthy! 145 00:07:03,142 --> 00:07:05,440 Holy God. No, they're not, they're terrible for you. 146 00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:07,503 No, they're not. There's a picture of Lance Armstrong on there. 147 00:07:07,580 --> 00:07:11,015 Yeah, but look at the ingredients. "High-fructose corn syrup, corn syrup." 148 00:07:11,083 --> 00:07:13,483 - There's only eight grams of fat. - Yeah. Per serving. 149 00:07:13,552 --> 00:07:15,019 A bar is four servings. 150 00:07:15,087 --> 00:07:17,647 Well, people seem to enjoy them. Look how happy everybody is. 151 00:07:22,294 --> 00:07:24,057 Yeah, that's a sugar rush. 152 00:07:24,129 --> 00:07:25,187 - Yeah. - Yeah. 153 00:07:25,264 --> 00:07:26,959 - That makes sense. - They're gonna crash soon, 154 00:07:27,032 --> 00:07:29,158 and it's not gonna be pretty. - Yeah, I'm gonna crash soon, too. 155 00:07:29,233 --> 00:07:31,394 - 'Cause I've eaten, like, 40 of these. - Oh, God! 156 00:07:31,469 --> 00:07:34,063 Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. 157 00:07:34,138 --> 00:07:37,596 But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. 158 00:07:37,975 --> 00:07:39,670 The kids here are beefy. 159 00:07:39,744 --> 00:07:44,408 They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized chunk monsters. 160 00:07:45,449 --> 00:07:47,075 I call them like I see them. 161 00:07:51,621 --> 00:07:53,020 - Leslie? - Yeah? 162 00:07:53,089 --> 00:07:54,647 Let's get some almonds in you, okay? 163 00:07:54,711 --> 00:07:55,837 Okay. 164 00:07:56,045 --> 00:07:58,172 - Get it. - I can't open them. 165 00:08:00,163 --> 00:08:01,255 Back to work. 166 00:08:01,665 --> 00:08:03,633 I hate it here. This place is evil. 167 00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:06,395 I think these are the only two films that say "Sweetums" on the label. 168 00:08:06,468 --> 00:08:09,369 Yeah, well, let's take them both. We might find something interesting. 169 00:08:09,438 --> 00:08:11,167 Here, just let me stick them under my shirt. No. 170 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,208 Just walk out. They have sensors! 171 00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:15,235 Just check them out. It's free. 172 00:08:15,678 --> 00:08:18,112 - Hey, Marci. - Leslie. 173 00:08:18,547 --> 00:08:21,641 Are they finally teaching you Parks people how to read? 174 00:08:21,717 --> 00:08:23,911 Oh, I guess not. It's a movie. 175 00:08:24,053 --> 00:08:27,790 You're pretty cocky for someone whose job is obsolete because of the Internet. 176 00:08:29,457 --> 00:08:30,446 Let's see. 177 00:08:31,926 --> 00:08:33,863 Hmm. You seem to have a $40 late fee 178 00:08:33,895 --> 00:08:36,732 on a book called Mysteries of the Female Orgasm. 179 00:08:37,031 --> 00:08:38,020 No, I don't. 180 00:08:38,099 --> 00:08:39,225 Yeah, you do. 181 00:08:39,968 --> 00:08:43,335 Ann, grab the movie! Go, go, go, go! 182 00:08:44,504 --> 00:08:46,472 Punk-ass book jockeys! 183 00:08:51,745 --> 00:08:55,511 So, you guys all good with the Sweetums concession-stand deal? 184 00:08:55,582 --> 00:08:56,913 I can go ahead and sign off on it? 185 00:08:56,984 --> 00:08:58,281 - You betcha. - Actually, no. 186 00:08:58,352 --> 00:09:00,115 No. We are worried that the energy bars 187 00:09:00,187 --> 00:09:01,984 that they're gonna sell are grossly unhealthy 188 00:09:02,055 --> 00:09:04,716 and they're misleading people about what's actually in them. 189 00:09:04,790 --> 00:09:08,749 No, we're not worried about that. We're fine and we sign off. 190 00:09:09,095 --> 00:09:11,290 Paul, can I have a sidebar with Ron? 191 00:09:11,364 --> 00:09:12,422 I guess. 192 00:09:12,531 --> 00:09:15,989 Sidebar, Ron. I did some research, and NutriYums are terrible for you. 193 00:09:16,068 --> 00:09:17,501 I don't care. We're doing it. 194 00:09:17,570 --> 00:09:19,800 That's a... We're in a sidebar. 195 00:09:20,006 --> 00:09:21,802 Do you not care about your city's health? 196 00:09:21,873 --> 00:09:25,536 I care about the people's right to consume whatever they want. 197 00:09:25,610 --> 00:09:26,941 Paul, can you and I have a sidebar? 198 00:09:27,012 --> 00:09:28,070 No. 199 00:09:28,146 --> 00:09:30,546 Okay. I think maybe we should hold a public forum. 200 00:09:30,615 --> 00:09:32,708 That way we won't be liable. 201 00:09:32,784 --> 00:09:34,843 There's no point. It's a home run for the city. 202 00:09:34,919 --> 00:09:38,320 No, I think she's right. It's a good cover-our-ass move. 203 00:09:38,390 --> 00:09:39,880 - Let's do it. - Paul! 204 00:09:40,658 --> 00:09:43,456 Leslie, why must you stick your nose into everyone else's business? 205 00:09:43,527 --> 00:09:46,724 Sidebar, Paul. Ron's upset because I didn't let him drive last night. 206 00:09:46,797 --> 00:09:48,890 Stop sidebarring. 207 00:09:50,367 --> 00:09:52,096 Somebody's grouchy. 208 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,180 You said it was just odds and ends. 209 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,990 It is, yeah. And some furniture. 210 00:09:57,063 --> 00:09:58,155 And the plasma TV. 211 00:09:58,230 --> 00:09:59,924 You haven't even folded up the boxes yet. 212 00:09:59,998 --> 00:10:01,761 Dude, Deep Blue Sea. 213 00:10:01,833 --> 00:10:03,957 Greatest movie ever made. 214 00:10:04,536 --> 00:10:06,834 That's the Canadian version, 22 extra minutes, 215 00:10:06,905 --> 00:10:09,897 and there's a bonus audio track where LL Cool J raps all his dialog. 216 00:10:09,975 --> 00:10:13,213 - What? We're watching this right now. - Yes! 217 00:10:13,250 --> 00:10:14,274 - Pop it in! - No, no, no! 218 00:10:14,297 --> 00:10:17,209 We should really pack this room up and get moving. 219 00:10:17,349 --> 00:10:20,681 So, this is a really big room I need packed up, guys. 220 00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:23,415 This is your bedroom? 221 00:10:23,787 --> 00:10:26,187 No, it's a spare room I converted 222 00:10:26,256 --> 00:10:29,350 into a walk-in closet lhome fitness center. 223 00:10:29,426 --> 00:10:30,415 What is that? 224 00:10:31,095 --> 00:10:32,119 Oh. 225 00:10:32,196 --> 00:10:35,063 I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor cleaning robots. 226 00:10:35,132 --> 00:10:36,362 I call him "DJ Roomba." 227 00:10:36,387 --> 00:10:38,066 Little guy cruises around and plays music. 228 00:10:38,091 --> 00:10:39,287 What's hot, DJ Roomba? 229 00:10:41,004 --> 00:10:43,871 DJ Roomba, tearing it up! 230 00:10:45,808 --> 00:10:47,239 He likes me. 231 00:10:48,978 --> 00:10:50,843 Let's dance for a little while, Mark. What... 232 00:10:52,148 --> 00:10:55,447 NutriYums energy bars are just absolutely loaded 233 00:10:55,517 --> 00:10:57,747 with high-fructose corn syrup and fatty oils. 234 00:10:57,819 --> 00:10:59,184 And any way you slice it, 235 00:10:59,254 --> 00:11:01,779 they're just extremely unhealthy for you. 236 00:11:01,990 --> 00:11:03,457 Leslie needs to butt out. 237 00:11:03,525 --> 00:11:05,720 The whole point of this country is, 238 00:11:05,794 --> 00:11:06,886 if you want to eat garbage, 239 00:11:06,962 --> 00:11:11,365 balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. 240 00:11:11,667 --> 00:11:15,124 You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful. 241 00:11:15,636 --> 00:11:17,297 Any questions? 242 00:11:18,005 --> 00:11:21,600 If sugar is so bad, how come Jesus made it taste so good? 243 00:11:23,277 --> 00:11:24,266 Yes? 244 00:11:24,345 --> 00:11:25,403 But isn't all food bad for you? 245 00:11:25,479 --> 00:11:27,140 I've been eating lasagna and muffins 246 00:11:27,214 --> 00:11:28,545 every day of my life for 40 years 247 00:11:28,616 --> 00:11:29,674 and I feel terrible. 248 00:11:29,750 --> 00:11:30,739 Right. 249 00:11:30,818 --> 00:11:32,718 What's so bad about corn syrup? 250 00:11:32,787 --> 00:11:34,754 It's natural. Corn's a fruit. 251 00:11:34,888 --> 00:11:36,150 Syrup comes from a bush. 252 00:11:36,222 --> 00:11:37,314 Oh, boy. 253 00:11:38,024 --> 00:11:39,582 How do we know you're really a nurse? 254 00:11:39,659 --> 00:11:41,820 I am, I promise. I work at Saint Joe's. 255 00:11:41,895 --> 00:11:44,728 Well, the point is, my friend thinks you're cute. 256 00:11:45,298 --> 00:11:46,959 Give me your number so he can have it. 257 00:11:47,033 --> 00:11:48,830 Yeah, that's not gonna happen. 258 00:11:48,902 --> 00:11:50,494 - Can I have your e-mail address? - Oh, my God. 259 00:11:50,570 --> 00:11:51,867 - I just got on AOL. - No! 260 00:11:52,038 --> 00:11:53,700 I think we ought to throw those bars out 261 00:11:53,739 --> 00:11:55,104 and eat ham-and-mayonnaise sandwiches. 262 00:11:55,174 --> 00:11:56,334 That's not a good idea. 263 00:11:56,408 --> 00:11:57,602 - Ham and mayonnaise! - That's not... 264 00:11:57,644 --> 00:11:58,872 - No. - Ham and mayonnaise! 265 00:11:58,902 --> 00:12:00,913 - No, no, no, no. - Ham and mayonnaise! 266 00:12:01,013 --> 00:12:02,819 Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise! 267 00:12:02,850 --> 00:12:04,544 Oh, God. I can't believe you do this every week. 268 00:12:04,581 --> 00:12:05,707 I'm actually encouraged. 269 00:12:05,751 --> 00:12:07,946 The questions were more relevant than usual. 270 00:12:08,087 --> 00:12:11,988 Yeah. I need to order the brown Timberlands in a size eight, narrow. 271 00:12:12,056 --> 00:12:14,024 How much is the next-day shipping? 272 00:12:14,959 --> 00:12:16,551 And, what's two-day shipping? 273 00:12:16,627 --> 00:12:20,256 Yeah, I'd like to place an order for one pad thai, chicken, 274 00:12:20,331 --> 00:12:22,162 and no scallions on it, please. 275 00:12:22,233 --> 00:12:24,224 Just for one person, yeah. Just one. 276 00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:27,366 Yeah, I saw Mark carrying, like, three boxes. 277 00:12:27,391 --> 00:12:29,119 That dude is strong. 278 00:12:29,741 --> 00:12:31,092 Whatever. I'll carry five boxes! 279 00:12:31,161 --> 00:12:32,342 Go get 'em, champ! 280 00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:36,876 Okay, Donna. Where do you want this? 281 00:12:36,947 --> 00:12:38,505 Uh-uh. That's it. 282 00:12:38,882 --> 00:12:40,943 My baby has a delicate suspension. 283 00:12:41,818 --> 00:12:43,461 - Are you kidding me? - No, I'm not. Move. 284 00:12:43,487 --> 00:12:45,680 Put it in your truck, Brendanawicz. There's plenty of room. 285 00:12:48,658 --> 00:12:50,215 Hey! 286 00:12:50,330 --> 00:12:52,558 Ah! My pocket squares! 287 00:12:53,696 --> 00:12:57,598 Sorry, Shoelace. We don't make NutriYums for dogs. Yet. 288 00:12:57,700 --> 00:13:00,343 NutriYums. Where nutritious meets tasty. By Sweetums. 289 00:13:01,604 --> 00:13:03,071 I guess that about says it all. 290 00:13:03,139 --> 00:13:04,572 You know, it doesn't, actually. 291 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,108 I think we should watch another video right now, 292 00:13:07,176 --> 00:13:09,473 one that your company made 30 years ago. 293 00:13:12,347 --> 00:13:14,907 I'm Nick Newport, president of Sweetums, 294 00:13:14,983 --> 00:13:17,816 giving you a look inside our corn syrup factory. 295 00:13:17,886 --> 00:13:21,083 This is all-new, high-fructose corn syrup, 296 00:13:21,156 --> 00:13:24,922 a miracle product that's sweeter than sugar, but cheaper to produce! 297 00:13:25,393 --> 00:13:29,692 Cheap, delicious, sugary corn is currently being used by farms 298 00:13:29,763 --> 00:13:32,163 to fatten up their cows and pigs. 299 00:13:32,232 --> 00:13:34,496 Look how fat those cows are! 300 00:13:34,568 --> 00:13:38,470 Fat, happy and docile, the way we like them. 301 00:13:41,175 --> 00:13:43,700 So, you still want to claim that corn syrup is healthy? 302 00:13:43,777 --> 00:13:46,143 Corn syrup is natural, and it's fine in moderation. 303 00:13:46,213 --> 00:13:48,271 But don't take my word for it. 304 00:13:48,347 --> 00:13:50,975 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nick Newport, Jr! 305 00:13:52,151 --> 00:13:53,584 All right! 306 00:13:54,754 --> 00:13:56,153 - What's going on? - Yeah! 307 00:13:56,222 --> 00:13:58,622 How you doing? Yeah! Yeah! 308 00:13:58,691 --> 00:13:59,953 That's what I'm saying! 309 00:14:00,026 --> 00:14:02,358 My kids, Denver and Dakota! 310 00:14:05,364 --> 00:14:07,092 Come on down, guys! 311 00:14:11,303 --> 00:14:13,540 I just wanna get... That's good hose water. 312 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,264 Don't get my shoes. 313 00:14:16,341 --> 00:14:18,400 Hey, what's up, guys? You come to help Tom move, too? 314 00:14:18,476 --> 00:14:20,944 Too late! We already almost got all of it. 315 00:14:21,012 --> 00:14:22,673 No, we just thought it'd be funny 316 00:14:22,747 --> 00:14:24,305 to see April doing physical labor. 317 00:14:26,350 --> 00:14:27,600 It's been an awesome moving day. 318 00:14:27,643 --> 00:14:30,612 I got the little robot to play Dave Matthews. 319 00:14:30,654 --> 00:14:31,882 Little baby! 320 00:14:32,423 --> 00:14:33,515 What's he talking about? 321 00:14:33,591 --> 00:14:34,615 DJ Roomba. 322 00:14:34,692 --> 00:14:36,023 What? 323 00:14:36,093 --> 00:14:38,152 All right. Back to the grindstone. 324 00:14:38,729 --> 00:14:40,287 Awesome seeing you, dudes. 325 00:14:40,364 --> 00:14:41,888 - See you. - Later, bro. 326 00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:46,134 - Hi. - Hi. 327 00:14:47,837 --> 00:14:51,780 God, this is so weird. It's, like, end of an era, huh? 328 00:14:52,742 --> 00:14:54,209 It's kind of sad. 329 00:14:54,277 --> 00:14:55,308 Yeah, we'll still be friends. 330 00:14:55,345 --> 00:14:56,403 Yeah. 331 00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:58,413 Well, hey, you guys must be starving. 332 00:14:58,456 --> 00:14:59,812 You want me to order you pizza or something? 333 00:14:59,843 --> 00:15:01,262 - Oh, that'd be great, yeah. - Okay. 334 00:15:01,299 --> 00:15:03,779 Why don't you get some Canadian bacon on it, since you're from Canada. 335 00:15:03,816 --> 00:15:04,436 Mmm-hmm. 336 00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:06,678 And sausage, 'cause I am brown and spicy. 337 00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:13,326 Okay, all right. Well, I will see you around, I guess. 338 00:15:13,395 --> 00:15:14,760 - Yeah. - Right? 339 00:15:15,197 --> 00:15:16,255 I'm around. 340 00:15:16,331 --> 00:15:17,355 I'll see you around. 341 00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:19,698 - Bye. - Bye. 342 00:15:23,905 --> 00:15:27,500 Wow. Mr. Newport, Jr., thank you so much for coming. 343 00:15:27,575 --> 00:15:30,738 But don't you think that every person has a right to know 344 00:15:30,811 --> 00:15:32,836 what they're putting in their bodies? Right, everybody? 345 00:15:32,914 --> 00:15:34,404 Is Shoelace here? Where's Shoelace? 346 00:15:35,583 --> 00:15:36,709 - Shoelace couldn't make it. - Aw! 347 00:15:36,784 --> 00:15:38,445 But I do agree with this nice lady. 348 00:15:38,519 --> 00:15:42,079 That's why I say we should let the people be the judge. 349 00:15:42,322 --> 00:15:43,346 Denver? 350 00:15:43,423 --> 00:15:45,050 Everybody! Check under your seats! 351 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,222 Look, look! I got chocolate! 352 00:15:55,735 --> 00:15:57,896 Denver, you little son of a bitch. 353 00:16:02,730 --> 00:16:04,220 Mmm. 354 00:16:06,267 --> 00:16:07,291 There's no pizza left? 355 00:16:07,368 --> 00:16:09,131 Sorry, Jer. Too slow. 356 00:16:09,203 --> 00:16:10,670 Do you want my crusts? Here, take this. 357 00:16:10,738 --> 00:16:13,138 Nobody even told me the pizza was here. 358 00:16:14,898 --> 00:16:17,526 Jerry! You stepped on DJ Roomba! 359 00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:19,969 That was an accident. 360 00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:21,343 You killed him! 361 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:24,212 I built him myself. He was like a son to me. 362 00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:26,609 Okay. Time to vote. 363 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,153 All those who would like 364 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,086 the bloated corpse of the government 365 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,987 to keep running the snack bars 366 00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:35,118 at taxpayer expense, raise your hands. 367 00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:37,252 That seems like an unfair phrasing. 368 00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:41,865 And all those in favor of letting this heartless corporation, Sweetums, 369 00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:44,494 stuff your children with sugary crap, raise your hand. 370 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,566 Thank you, everybody. 371 00:16:49,841 --> 00:16:51,331 I can't believe this. 372 00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:52,877 You know what? We did our job. 373 00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,845 We informed the public. That's all we can do. 374 00:16:57,114 --> 00:16:58,638 I'm sorry, man. There's nothing we can do. 375 00:16:58,716 --> 00:16:59,740 Are you serious? 376 00:16:59,817 --> 00:17:01,717 Look, we'll get it fixed and I'll see you Monday. 377 00:17:02,753 --> 00:17:04,653 I just got off the phone with my new landlord. 378 00:17:04,722 --> 00:17:07,452 Apparently, there's been some sort of gas leak 379 00:17:07,558 --> 00:17:10,493 and I can't move into my place until Monday now. 380 00:17:11,529 --> 00:17:13,190 Are you telling us we have to unload this 381 00:17:13,264 --> 00:17:14,526 and move it back in the house? 382 00:17:14,599 --> 00:17:15,862 No, I can't put it there. 383 00:17:15,900 --> 00:17:18,133 I promised Wendy I'd be out of here tonight. 384 00:17:20,170 --> 00:17:21,194 I got it. 385 00:17:21,771 --> 00:17:25,571 Everybody go home, pack away my stuff in your own houses. 386 00:17:25,642 --> 00:17:28,202 Then on Monday, pack it back up, 387 00:17:28,278 --> 00:17:30,269 meet me at my new place, unload it there. 388 00:17:35,751 --> 00:17:37,013 Come on, guys. 389 00:17:37,086 --> 00:17:38,678 - See you, Tom. - Bye. 390 00:17:39,588 --> 00:17:40,782 Later. 391 00:17:41,924 --> 00:17:43,789 Hey, bro, wanna go get our grub on? 392 00:17:43,859 --> 00:17:45,622 Totes, bro. Wings and brews! 393 00:17:46,028 --> 00:17:47,393 Why are you guys talking like that? 394 00:17:47,463 --> 00:17:49,988 Just chillaxin' like your new bro, Andy. 395 00:17:50,065 --> 00:17:51,760 Yeah. Wanna play some Hacky Sack later, 396 00:17:51,834 --> 00:17:53,960 maybe listen to Blues Traveler? 397 00:17:54,035 --> 00:17:55,696 Okay. I'm leaving. 398 00:17:55,770 --> 00:17:57,260 We're just kidding. Let's go to dinner. 399 00:17:57,338 --> 00:17:58,464 I'm not hungry. 400 00:17:58,539 --> 00:18:00,006 And you guys aren't being funny. 401 00:18:00,074 --> 00:18:01,132 Why are you being weird? 402 00:18:01,209 --> 00:18:03,473 We make fun of people like that. That's what we do. 403 00:18:05,013 --> 00:18:06,310 You know, for a gay couple, 404 00:18:06,381 --> 00:18:08,076 you guys are being really gay. 405 00:18:09,450 --> 00:18:12,179 I said, "Of course I remember you. You're Chastity, right?" 406 00:18:14,187 --> 00:18:15,211 Leslie! 407 00:18:15,288 --> 00:18:18,655 Even though I didn't invite you, you came here anyway. 408 00:18:18,725 --> 00:18:22,821 I respect that, because you made a choice as a free American. 409 00:18:23,430 --> 00:18:24,454 What are you eating? 410 00:18:24,531 --> 00:18:26,590 I call this "turf and turf." 411 00:18:26,667 --> 00:18:30,103 It's a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. 412 00:18:30,170 --> 00:18:32,797 Also, whiskey and a cigar. 413 00:18:33,072 --> 00:18:35,540 I'm gonna consume all of this at the same time 414 00:18:35,608 --> 00:18:37,439 because I am a free American. 415 00:18:37,510 --> 00:18:38,807 No cigars inside, sir. 416 00:18:39,912 --> 00:18:42,779 Fine. I will smoke the entire thing outside. 417 00:18:43,349 --> 00:18:45,909 Even though it is bad for me, I am going to do it. 418 00:18:47,353 --> 00:18:48,615 Why is he being such an ass? 419 00:18:48,688 --> 00:18:49,916 It's a long story. 420 00:18:51,623 --> 00:18:55,252 It's freezing outside, so I will not be smoking this cigar. 421 00:18:55,326 --> 00:18:58,295 But rest assured, I could if I wanted to, because this... 422 00:18:58,363 --> 00:19:00,331 This is America, right? Is it? 423 00:19:00,398 --> 00:19:01,626 May I speak with you, please? 424 00:19:03,234 --> 00:19:05,725 Look, I don't know if you're being a jerk on purpose 425 00:19:06,137 --> 00:19:07,832 just to prove you have the right to be a jerk, 426 00:19:07,906 --> 00:19:09,236 but either way, you're being a jerk. 427 00:19:09,306 --> 00:19:11,604 So, here. Take the booze chart. 428 00:19:11,675 --> 00:19:12,903 - Are you kidding me? - No. 429 00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:14,701 If you're gonna drink, you should use it, okay? 430 00:19:14,726 --> 00:19:16,176 I'm gonna head out. 431 00:19:16,580 --> 00:19:18,878 By the way, maybe it's none of my business, 432 00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:22,749 but if you eat three pounds of steak every day, you're gonna die, 433 00:19:22,820 --> 00:19:25,653 and although I've already written your eulogy, 434 00:19:25,723 --> 00:19:29,419 and it's incredibly touching, I would prefer not to give it for a while. 435 00:19:31,094 --> 00:19:32,356 The first line, by the way? 436 00:19:33,196 --> 00:19:37,656 "O Captain! My Captain! Ron Swanson, a swan song." 437 00:19:38,067 --> 00:19:40,126 Yeah, and it gets better from there. 438 00:19:46,542 --> 00:19:48,133 April! April! 439 00:19:50,045 --> 00:19:52,309 You wanna watch me rollerblade in the parking lot after work? 440 00:19:52,380 --> 00:19:53,404 I'm pretty awesome. 441 00:19:53,482 --> 00:19:55,916 I used to be really good. That was, like, 70 pounds ago. 442 00:19:56,618 --> 00:19:58,984 I can't. I'm kind of busy. 443 00:19:59,054 --> 00:20:02,023 Oh, that's lame. Tomorrow? 444 00:20:02,891 --> 00:20:04,756 Maybe. I don't know. 445 00:20:07,461 --> 00:20:08,723 Okay. Bye. 446 00:20:12,399 --> 00:20:14,333 Just kidding! I don't fall! 447 00:20:19,173 --> 00:20:20,299 I... 448 00:20:22,243 --> 00:20:23,642 What are you eating? 449 00:20:23,711 --> 00:20:25,541 I didn't have time to have breakfast. 450 00:20:25,612 --> 00:20:27,671 I'm gonna toss these in the dumpster outside. 451 00:20:27,747 --> 00:20:30,113 And I don't wanna see you digging around in there later. 452 00:20:35,255 --> 00:20:36,620 I am sorry. 453 00:20:37,390 --> 00:20:39,620 I have been a horse's ass. 454 00:20:41,394 --> 00:20:44,794 And that is the end of what I have to say. 455 00:20:45,631 --> 00:20:47,292 Apology accepted. 456 00:20:51,236 --> 00:20:53,830 Put a coat on. It's freezing outside. 457 00:20:57,733 --> 00:21:02,169 Jerry! Jerry! 458 00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:08,136 This is the ghost of DJ Roomba. 459 00:21:09,377 --> 00:21:11,096 Why did you kill me? 460 00:21:11,479 --> 00:21:13,604 I'm gonna haunt you, Jerry. 461 00:21:14,015 --> 00:21:15,642 I'm gonna follow you 462 00:21:15,717 --> 00:21:19,603 and play the Black Eyed Peas on a non-stop loop!