1 00:00:01,020 --> 00:00:02,857 Are you kidding? "I was here first"? Get lost! 2 00:00:02,889 --> 00:00:03,795 We were here first. 3 00:00:03,817 --> 00:00:05,726 But we're scheduled for this time on this field. 4 00:00:05,757 --> 00:00:08,157 Okay, this is no way for adults to act in front of children. 5 00:00:08,226 --> 00:00:10,217 You're not only coaches, you're also role models. 6 00:00:10,995 --> 00:00:13,332 I would hardly call what he does coaching. 7 00:00:16,965 --> 00:00:18,660 Wow. Excellent role modeling. 8 00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:20,444 Apparently, the girls' team does not have 9 00:00:20,483 --> 00:00:22,130 a field assigned to them for practice, 10 00:00:22,172 --> 00:00:23,969 but the boys' team does. 11 00:00:24,008 --> 00:00:25,805 No. Not on my watch. 12 00:00:26,474 --> 00:00:27,941 Every child has the right to play, 13 00:00:28,009 --> 00:00:29,567 no matter how boring the sport. 14 00:00:30,043 --> 00:00:33,308 Okay. Could you just share the field with the girls today, please? 15 00:00:33,613 --> 00:00:35,877 I'm the girls' coach. She's the boys' coach. 16 00:00:35,949 --> 00:00:37,007 Oh. Okay. Sorry. 17 00:00:37,150 --> 00:00:38,241 That's sexist. 18 00:00:38,550 --> 00:00:40,313 - No, it's not. - Yeah. It kind of is. 19 00:00:40,386 --> 00:00:42,650 Okay, why don't the boys take the field today. 20 00:00:42,721 --> 00:00:44,848 And then I will make sure that the girls get 21 00:00:44,923 --> 00:00:47,117 a place to practice by the end of the week. 22 00:00:47,291 --> 00:00:50,783 And that, little lady, is a Leslie Knope promise! 23 00:00:50,862 --> 00:00:51,920 I'm a boy. 24 00:00:51,996 --> 00:00:53,190 Good. Yeah. 'Cause I wasn't talking to you. 25 00:00:53,264 --> 00:00:54,958 I was talking to you. You're a girl, right? 26 00:00:55,032 --> 00:00:56,021 Yeah. 27 00:00:56,099 --> 00:00:57,157 Yeah. She. 28 00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:19,646 Mail's here. 29 00:01:21,021 --> 00:01:22,181 - Hey. - Now what? 30 00:01:22,256 --> 00:01:25,589 Jerry! You got soup all over our mail! You jerk. 31 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:28,857 Oh, my God. It's an envelope from the IOW Awards Office! 32 00:01:28,961 --> 00:01:30,588 Nobody freak out! 33 00:01:31,531 --> 00:01:33,556 Do you know what this means? 34 00:01:33,633 --> 00:01:35,965 I am Pawnee's Woman of the Year! 35 00:01:36,334 --> 00:01:38,928 The IOW is the Indiana Organization of Women. 36 00:01:39,104 --> 00:01:41,937 I have been a dues-paying member since I was nine. 37 00:01:42,007 --> 00:01:43,599 And every year, they choose one woman 38 00:01:43,675 --> 00:01:46,802 to win the Dorothy Everton Smythe Female Empowerment Award. 39 00:01:46,877 --> 00:01:49,072 Winning is every girl's dream. 40 00:01:49,146 --> 00:01:51,979 But it's my destiny. And my dream. 41 00:01:52,550 --> 00:01:55,677 Can you read it, please? Where are my ladies at? 42 00:01:56,439 --> 00:01:58,091 Here we go. 43 00:01:58,879 --> 00:02:01,213 The I.O.W. Is proud to announce this year's 44 00:02:01,238 --> 00:02:02,757 "Dorothy Everton Smythe 45 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:06,350 Female Empowerment Award Ronald Swanson." 46 00:02:06,395 --> 00:02:07,919 Ha-ha. Okay, pretty funny. 47 00:02:07,952 --> 00:02:10,677 - It says Ronald Swanson. - What? No, no. No, it doesn't. 48 00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:14,395 I... that... no. That... what? 49 00:02:14,469 --> 00:02:15,697 They only honor women. 50 00:02:15,770 --> 00:02:17,498 And Ron's the opposite of a woman. 51 00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:18,731 What's going on? 52 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:21,933 You're Pawnee's Woman of the Year, it looks like. 53 00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:25,470 Well, it's about time. 54 00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:27,341 No, no, no. 55 00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:29,338 They've obviously made some sort of mistake. 56 00:02:29,381 --> 00:02:30,609 Bully for me! 57 00:02:30,645 --> 00:02:31,726 Congratulations, Ron. 58 00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:33,064 - Yeah, congratulations. - Congrats. 59 00:02:33,102 --> 00:02:34,827 - It's very exciting. - That's awesome. 60 00:02:34,886 --> 00:02:36,786 Awards are stupid, 61 00:02:36,855 --> 00:02:40,246 which is why I fully intend to decline this nonsense, 62 00:02:40,271 --> 00:02:45,024 and recommend it go to Leslie because she works really hard, and I don't. 63 00:02:46,663 --> 00:02:50,621 However, she cares way too much about crap like this, 64 00:02:50,700 --> 00:02:55,093 which is why I can't pass up this opportunity to tease her about it. 65 00:02:56,072 --> 00:02:59,131 Well, we can't stand around all day congratulating me 66 00:02:59,207 --> 00:03:02,472 on receiving an award from some lousy women's organization. 67 00:03:02,544 --> 00:03:04,512 Back to work, everyone. 68 00:03:10,584 --> 00:03:16,249 Hey, Freddy. Good news! Your liquor license renewal got got, yo. 69 00:03:17,357 --> 00:03:18,449 What do you mean by that? 70 00:03:18,525 --> 00:03:21,426 I got you temporary approval from the liquor board 71 00:03:21,528 --> 00:03:24,496 pending full-board authorization and council review. 72 00:03:24,563 --> 00:03:25,655 Got got. 73 00:03:25,731 --> 00:03:26,891 Thank you. Thank you so much. 74 00:03:26,965 --> 00:03:30,025 No worries. You know the Snakehole's my favorite Pawnee hot spot. 75 00:03:30,302 --> 00:03:31,893 I want to open up my own club one day. 76 00:03:31,969 --> 00:03:33,994 Maybe call it something like Club-a-Dub-Dub 77 00:03:34,071 --> 00:03:37,973 or The Clubmarine, sort of a submarine-themed club. 78 00:03:38,042 --> 00:03:43,498 Or Tom's Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as. 79 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:47,986 Tom, we are looking for a few top-quality guys like yourself 80 00:03:48,084 --> 00:03:49,710 to become part-owners. 81 00:03:49,785 --> 00:03:52,015 A guy like you, with your political connections, 82 00:03:52,087 --> 00:03:53,662 I think you'd make a great asset. 83 00:03:53,923 --> 00:03:56,483 I agree. That's why I got into public service. To help me. 84 00:03:56,559 --> 00:04:00,085 All right. $10,000 a share. I need the money by Friday. 85 00:04:01,362 --> 00:04:04,092 $10,000. That's chump change. 86 00:04:05,065 --> 00:04:08,796 I will see you Friday with $10,000. 87 00:04:08,869 --> 00:04:10,097 All right, partner. 88 00:04:12,606 --> 00:04:15,574 I just don't get why the IOW would give that award to Ron. 89 00:04:15,975 --> 00:04:16,964 Yeah, it's a bummer. 90 00:04:17,043 --> 00:04:18,135 One, he's not a woman. 91 00:04:18,511 --> 00:04:21,946 And two, they mentioned the Camp Athena project in that letter. 92 00:04:22,013 --> 00:04:24,777 That's my project. I started that. It was my brainchild. 93 00:04:24,849 --> 00:04:27,477 Why would Ron start a camp for troubled girls? 94 00:04:27,886 --> 00:04:29,114 - He wouldn't? - Exactly. 95 00:04:29,254 --> 00:04:32,586 I deserve that award. That award is mine. Not his. It's mine. 96 00:04:32,756 --> 00:04:33,848 You know what you should do? 97 00:04:33,924 --> 00:04:35,050 I know, I already started a list. 98 00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:36,921 "Write an e-mail to Barack Obama. 99 00:04:36,994 --> 00:04:39,518 "Lock myself in my office and scream until I lose my voice." 100 00:04:39,596 --> 00:04:40,722 That's all I have so far. 101 00:04:40,797 --> 00:04:42,958 I was gonna suggest maybe you just go and talk to him. 102 00:04:43,633 --> 00:04:46,067 You're only gonna get more resentful if you don't. 103 00:04:46,135 --> 00:04:47,123 Hmm. 104 00:04:49,104 --> 00:04:50,128 Hey, Ann. How... 105 00:04:50,205 --> 00:04:51,194 Ann. 106 00:04:51,273 --> 00:04:52,865 I have so much I need to tell you right now. 107 00:04:53,242 --> 00:04:55,471 Hey, Ann. Leslie would like to talk to you for a moment. 108 00:04:55,543 --> 00:04:57,135 Is that all right? Good. 109 00:04:58,713 --> 00:05:00,340 Jean-Ralphio. 110 00:05:00,414 --> 00:05:02,973 Big T! What it do, nephew? 111 00:05:05,585 --> 00:05:08,611 Jean-Ralphio, I have a hot investment opportunity 112 00:05:08,688 --> 00:05:10,451 that you are gonna wanna jump all over. 113 00:05:10,523 --> 00:05:11,546 Hit me with it, daddy. 114 00:05:11,624 --> 00:05:12,648 The Snakehole Lounge... 115 00:05:12,725 --> 00:05:13,749 Heard of it. 116 00:05:13,826 --> 00:05:14,918 Is looking for investors. 117 00:05:15,261 --> 00:05:17,252 No way. Yesterday, if you would have asked me, 118 00:05:17,329 --> 00:05:18,489 I would've said no, but thank God, 119 00:05:18,564 --> 00:05:20,224 my grandfather just died, so I am 120 00:05:20,298 --> 00:05:24,428 a- flush with cash! 121 00:05:24,496 --> 00:05:28,924 Awesome. I have 4,000 bucks. All I need you to do is kick in six G's. 122 00:05:29,013 --> 00:05:31,322 - Six G's. - And then you and I are part-owners 123 00:05:31,353 --> 00:05:32,980 of the hottest nightclub in Pawnee. 124 00:05:33,010 --> 00:05:34,671 Also, sorry about your grandpa. 125 00:05:34,745 --> 00:05:37,076 No worries. He was a dick. Here's the thing. 126 00:05:37,146 --> 00:05:39,944 I can kick in five G's. That should be enough, right? 127 00:05:40,016 --> 00:05:42,280 No, it's not enough. I just said I need six G's. 128 00:05:42,485 --> 00:05:43,543 What about your trust fund? 129 00:05:43,619 --> 00:05:44,662 My parents had it amended. 130 00:05:44,686 --> 00:05:46,583 I don't get anything until I'm 50, which is a waste, 131 00:05:46,626 --> 00:05:49,032 'cause I'm gonna be a billionaire in Costa Rica by then, 132 00:05:49,177 --> 00:05:51,737 eating dolphins and hanging out with lady singers. 133 00:05:51,775 --> 00:05:54,971 It's not a huge deal. Just sit tight. I'll take care of it. 134 00:05:55,126 --> 00:05:56,320 You wanna come home with me? 135 00:05:56,361 --> 00:05:58,522 Don't you work at Lady Foot Locker? 136 00:05:59,166 --> 00:06:00,724 Look, if you're not gonna pay rent, 137 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,461 at least clean up your dishes. 138 00:06:04,507 --> 00:06:05,417 Is that all? 139 00:06:05,442 --> 00:06:07,611 No. Also, The Bag of Smells 140 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:10,017 was a fun experiment, but it has to stop. 141 00:06:10,062 --> 00:06:13,498 Come on! No. We're finally starting to get serious results. 142 00:06:13,566 --> 00:06:17,127 Andy, dude, I love you, but shape up or move out. 143 00:06:19,750 --> 00:06:21,856 - What's going on? - The guitarist from my band 144 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,557 is driving me crazy. He's such a control freak. 145 00:06:24,964 --> 00:06:27,158 "That's not a working fireplace, Andy." 146 00:06:27,232 --> 00:06:29,166 "Stop writing phone messages on the wall, Andy." 147 00:06:29,234 --> 00:06:30,459 "Dude, seriously, I love you 148 00:06:30,496 --> 00:06:32,740 "but stop digging that weird hole in the backyard." 149 00:06:33,021 --> 00:06:34,633 Is Mouse Rat gonna break up? 150 00:06:34,748 --> 00:06:37,754 Well, we're not Mouse Rat anymore. We changed it to Tackleshaft. 151 00:06:38,072 --> 00:06:38,839 Oh. 152 00:06:38,884 --> 00:06:40,545 I should just get my own place. 153 00:06:40,778 --> 00:06:42,984 You should. I'll help you. 154 00:06:43,179 --> 00:06:45,113 You can help me? Yeah, that'd be fun. 155 00:06:45,181 --> 00:06:48,068 April, you're like an angel with no wings. 156 00:06:48,351 --> 00:06:49,682 So, like, a person? 157 00:06:52,988 --> 00:06:54,988 Hey. What's in the envelope? 158 00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,351 Nothing. 159 00:06:57,146 --> 00:06:58,135 You wanted to see me? 160 00:06:58,176 --> 00:07:01,440 I think the Pawnee Chapter of the IOW has made a little mistake. 161 00:07:03,068 --> 00:07:06,765 Really? You're saying a women's organization made a mistake? 162 00:07:07,071 --> 00:07:08,629 I was as surprised as you were. 163 00:07:08,806 --> 00:07:11,866 But the fact is, they only give that award to women. 164 00:07:12,043 --> 00:07:15,661 Hmm. Well, it definitely said Ron Swanson in the letter. 165 00:07:15,846 --> 00:07:17,939 Yeah, but it also mentioned my camp project. 166 00:07:18,014 --> 00:07:19,504 Yes. Camp Xena. 167 00:07:19,555 --> 00:07:21,161 Athena. Camp Athena. 168 00:07:21,251 --> 00:07:22,411 You don't even know the name. 169 00:07:22,455 --> 00:07:23,944 I almost got it. I was pretty close. 170 00:07:23,963 --> 00:07:24,602 No. 171 00:07:24,634 --> 00:07:26,740 Look, Leslie, your job, 172 00:07:27,022 --> 00:07:29,456 which you're great at, is making me look good. 173 00:07:29,525 --> 00:07:31,618 Which you've clearly done well 174 00:07:31,694 --> 00:07:34,903 because I'm getting an award. Right? 175 00:07:35,698 --> 00:07:37,675 - Yeah. - Be proud of yourself. 176 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,265 You deserve an award. 177 00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:42,341 Not this one, obviously, this one belongs to me, 178 00:07:42,369 --> 00:07:45,427 but some other one. Some other lesser award. 179 00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:48,437 And if the shoe were on the other foot and you won the award, 180 00:07:48,474 --> 00:07:50,669 I would've congratulated you. 181 00:07:53,212 --> 00:07:54,692 - Congratulations, Ron. - What's that? 182 00:07:54,747 --> 00:07:55,771 You heard me. 183 00:07:58,450 --> 00:08:00,543 You promised the girls a field by the end of this week. 184 00:08:01,753 --> 00:08:04,278 Well, it's a man's world, Winston. Get used to it. 185 00:08:04,656 --> 00:08:05,679 I'm a man. 186 00:08:07,525 --> 00:08:10,016 You know who you should talk to? Ron Swanson. 187 00:08:10,094 --> 00:08:11,686 He's an award-winning public servant. 188 00:08:11,829 --> 00:08:13,420 He's the guy that's gonna help you out. 189 00:08:13,496 --> 00:08:14,554 Go on in there. 190 00:08:15,532 --> 00:08:18,194 Excuse me? Ron, someone's coming in. 191 00:08:18,868 --> 00:08:21,462 Hi. Leslie said I should come over here. 192 00:08:22,504 --> 00:08:25,496 If you don't get credit for your work, why bother doing it? 193 00:08:25,574 --> 00:08:27,235 Because I love it! 194 00:08:27,910 --> 00:08:29,740 But I'm going to make a point! 195 00:08:32,959 --> 00:08:35,587 This VIP card gives you exclusive access 196 00:08:35,662 --> 00:08:38,580 to the investment opportunity of a lifetime. 197 00:08:38,697 --> 00:08:42,428 Where? Multipurpose Room F. When? 3:00 p.m. 198 00:08:42,902 --> 00:08:46,496 Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life. 199 00:08:48,806 --> 00:08:50,273 Hey, you wanted to see me? 200 00:08:50,341 --> 00:08:52,935 Yes, yes. Just hang on one second. 201 00:08:54,478 --> 00:08:55,877 I'm doing my official portrait 202 00:08:55,946 --> 00:08:57,777 for the IUD Awards Dinner Program. 203 00:08:57,848 --> 00:08:58,906 IOW. 204 00:08:59,917 --> 00:09:02,755 No, this portrait is not official in any way. 205 00:09:02,798 --> 00:09:04,622 I'm paying for it myself. 206 00:09:04,854 --> 00:09:06,180 Did you need me? 207 00:09:06,989 --> 00:09:09,617 Because some of us actually do work around here. 208 00:09:09,692 --> 00:09:12,023 Work that often goes unrewarded. 209 00:09:12,527 --> 00:09:14,358 I need your opinion. 210 00:09:14,696 --> 00:09:18,598 Which of these objects most represents women for this portrait? 211 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:20,428 A pot? 212 00:09:22,269 --> 00:09:24,635 Or this Deputy Director Barbie? 213 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:29,538 Isn't it adorable? She's got a little briefcase, her cell phone. 214 00:09:29,609 --> 00:09:32,100 "I'm going to help my boss win an award." 215 00:09:32,178 --> 00:09:35,635 How's the scheduling conflict with the soccer teams going? 216 00:09:35,714 --> 00:09:36,703 Take care of that, did you? 217 00:09:36,782 --> 00:09:38,807 Nope. Passed the buck to Donna. 218 00:09:39,218 --> 00:09:42,187 That's not really the attitude I'd expect from an award winner. 219 00:09:42,254 --> 00:09:45,051 Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner 220 00:09:45,122 --> 00:09:46,680 because I've won an award. 221 00:09:48,726 --> 00:09:50,853 So, what kind of place are you looking for? 222 00:09:50,928 --> 00:09:52,986 I can afford, like, 300 bucks a month. 223 00:09:53,430 --> 00:09:56,627 I've always wanted a doorman named Ernie. That'd be awesome. Or Kipp. 224 00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:58,031 I'm pretty flexible on that. 225 00:09:58,101 --> 00:10:00,466 Here's a great one. It's a Tudor mansion. 226 00:10:00,536 --> 00:10:04,870 It's got seven rooms, four bathrooms. It's got a tennis court, 227 00:10:04,940 --> 00:10:06,669 a pool and a three-car garage. 228 00:10:06,742 --> 00:10:07,868 What? 229 00:10:07,943 --> 00:10:11,503 And it's only $20,000 a month. And it's in Chicago. 230 00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:12,973 Ah! 231 00:10:13,214 --> 00:10:14,977 That close! It was almost perfect. 232 00:10:15,350 --> 00:10:17,817 Actually, there are a couple of cool places in here. 233 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,483 - Let's go look at them! - Now? 234 00:10:19,553 --> 00:10:21,090 - Let's roll. - Okay. 235 00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:31,423 Thank you all so much for joining me today. 236 00:10:31,497 --> 00:10:33,294 I have two questions for you. 237 00:10:33,765 --> 00:10:37,064 One, are you ready for the investment opportunity of a lifetime? 238 00:10:37,135 --> 00:10:40,434 And two, do any of you have pacemakers or a history of epilepsy? 239 00:10:40,505 --> 00:10:42,472 - Yes, both. - Anybody? No? 240 00:10:42,539 --> 00:10:43,836 - Both. - All right. 241 00:10:48,345 --> 00:10:49,676 Ladies! 242 00:10:52,382 --> 00:10:56,284 Jay-Z. Rihanna. Audrina Patridge. 243 00:10:56,886 --> 00:11:00,514 Jon Gosselin. Lady Gaga. Snooki. 244 00:11:00,789 --> 00:11:02,279 Are these real people? 245 00:11:02,357 --> 00:11:04,348 Cash Warren and Dennis Rodman. 246 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,450 These are just a few of the celebrities that wish they could invest 247 00:11:07,528 --> 00:11:10,520 in Pawnee's hottest club. But they can't. 248 00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:15,930 And you can. For the small price of only one, one, one, 249 00:11:16,002 --> 00:11:19,130 thousand, thousand, thousand dollars, dollars, dollars! 250 00:11:19,205 --> 00:11:22,538 The only question is, who's gonna be my partner? 251 00:11:23,242 --> 00:11:26,336 Mark, I'm talking to you! Donna, I'm talking to you! 252 00:11:26,412 --> 00:11:29,540 Jerry! I'm talking to you! Mark! I'm talking to you! 253 00:11:31,416 --> 00:11:34,078 Twenty-six certificates, plaques, ribbons, 254 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,143 trophies, medals and miscellany 255 00:11:36,220 --> 00:11:37,915 certifying that I am the kind of person 256 00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:39,979 who deserves recognition for her achievements. 257 00:11:40,390 --> 00:11:41,652 What do you have, Ron? 258 00:11:41,725 --> 00:11:45,217 I have the Dorothy Every Time Smurf Girl Trophy 259 00:11:45,295 --> 00:11:47,024 for excellence in female stuff. 260 00:11:47,097 --> 00:11:49,326 Dorothy Everton Smythe. I swear to God, I would... 261 00:11:49,398 --> 00:11:50,695 Leslie. 262 00:11:50,766 --> 00:11:53,735 Before you continue, please read this. 263 00:11:54,303 --> 00:11:56,702 Another organization giving you credit for something you didn't do? 264 00:12:00,408 --> 00:12:02,706 "I, Ron Swanson, recognize that 265 00:12:03,845 --> 00:12:06,779 "Leslie Knope should have received the IOW Award 266 00:12:06,847 --> 00:12:08,405 "for all the hard work she has done, 267 00:12:08,482 --> 00:12:10,245 "especially for the Camp Athena project. 268 00:12:11,518 --> 00:12:13,041 "However, in my opinion, 269 00:12:13,119 --> 00:12:16,782 "she is far too concerned with institutional gratification." 270 00:12:16,856 --> 00:12:18,323 No, I'm not. 271 00:12:18,391 --> 00:12:20,882 "So, I am going to let her dangle 272 00:12:21,493 --> 00:12:25,725 "in order to show her that awards are bull crap." 273 00:12:26,231 --> 00:12:29,688 Come on, Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women. 274 00:12:29,934 --> 00:12:32,368 You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games. 275 00:12:32,570 --> 00:12:37,836 I'm just saying that awards are political, and everybody has an agenda. 276 00:12:37,907 --> 00:12:40,740 If you spend your life chasing them, you'll drive yourself nuts. 277 00:12:40,944 --> 00:12:45,472 Yeah, all right. But Dorothy Everton Smythe was a trailblazing feminist. 278 00:12:45,548 --> 00:12:48,380 She was the first woman in Pawnee to wear pants on a Sunday. 279 00:12:48,450 --> 00:12:50,077 She spent four years in jail for that. 280 00:12:50,419 --> 00:12:52,478 I know I'm not supposed to care about these things, 281 00:12:53,722 --> 00:12:55,120 but this one means a lot. 282 00:12:57,558 --> 00:12:59,890 I know you've been changing 283 00:13:00,595 --> 00:13:02,585 The acoustics in the bathroom are insane. 284 00:13:03,230 --> 00:13:05,721 So, how much is this one again? 285 00:13:05,799 --> 00:13:08,825 This one is $425 a month, plus utilities. 286 00:13:09,469 --> 00:13:13,734 I like it. It seems to have a lot of potential 287 00:13:13,973 --> 00:13:17,602 and a lot of "advantages," per se. 288 00:13:18,377 --> 00:13:22,005 I could definitely picture myself doing something over there. 289 00:13:24,482 --> 00:13:25,676 Can you hear that? 290 00:13:26,651 --> 00:13:28,083 What is that? 291 00:13:28,585 --> 00:13:29,643 It's still on. 292 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,244 You can light a match to get rid of that smell. 293 00:13:31,488 --> 00:13:33,479 I feel really good about this. 294 00:13:33,557 --> 00:13:34,683 Really? 295 00:13:34,758 --> 00:13:35,815 It screams Andy Dwyer. 296 00:13:36,092 --> 00:13:39,357 And I live nearby. So, we could, like, carpool to work or something. 297 00:13:39,492 --> 00:13:40,857 - Are you serious? - Yeah. 298 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,650 The scream just got louder. 299 00:13:42,862 --> 00:13:44,021 So, what do you think? 300 00:13:44,416 --> 00:13:46,312 I don't know. Make me an offer. 301 00:13:47,966 --> 00:13:51,947 Okay. First come, first served. Who's in? Jerry? 302 00:13:52,269 --> 00:13:53,497 Jeez, Tom, 303 00:13:53,570 --> 00:13:56,130 if I spend any more than 25 bucks, I gotta ask my wife. 304 00:13:56,206 --> 00:13:57,332 Jerry, get out. 305 00:13:57,407 --> 00:13:58,396 Okay. 306 00:13:58,976 --> 00:14:00,943 "Mark? What are we doing tonight?" 307 00:14:01,010 --> 00:14:02,671 "I don't know, Ann. 308 00:14:02,745 --> 00:14:06,010 "We could do the usual boring stuff like eat some chicken salad 309 00:14:06,082 --> 00:14:08,675 "with some crackers, or watch the pay-per-view, 310 00:14:08,750 --> 00:14:13,483 "or we could go to my nightclub and do some dancing." 311 00:14:13,822 --> 00:14:15,153 I don't think so, man. 312 00:14:15,223 --> 00:14:16,781 You'd never have to beg for sex again. 313 00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:21,390 I don't wanna get into this, really, but I don't beg for sex now. 314 00:14:21,595 --> 00:14:23,460 Forget about that, Mark. Are you in or out? 315 00:14:24,131 --> 00:14:25,427 It's just not really my thing. 316 00:14:25,932 --> 00:14:27,126 Bye, Mark. 317 00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:30,128 Cindi. 318 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,602 Donna? 319 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:33,501 Maybe. I like The Snakehole. 320 00:14:33,972 --> 00:14:34,961 Plus, I would look good 321 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,009 pulling into my owner's parking space in my Mercedes. 322 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:40,569 Just to be clear, you wouldn't be an owner, per se. 323 00:14:40,646 --> 00:14:42,135 You, me and my boy, Jean-Ralphio, 324 00:14:42,213 --> 00:14:43,840 would each own part of a share. 325 00:14:44,115 --> 00:14:45,582 Will that be cash or check? 326 00:14:45,650 --> 00:14:48,847 Not so fast. I like to know who I'm in business with. 327 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,386 I want to meet your boy. 328 00:14:50,787 --> 00:14:52,846 In here. This lady's here. 329 00:14:52,923 --> 00:14:56,450 Hi, I'm Elise Yarktin, I'm with the IOW. 330 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,528 I'm Woman of the Year, Ron Swanson. 331 00:14:59,595 --> 00:15:01,586 Yes, I know. We are very excited to be 332 00:15:01,664 --> 00:15:03,495 presenting you with the Smythe Award. 333 00:15:03,866 --> 00:15:05,424 That's what I called you to talk about. 334 00:15:05,501 --> 00:15:08,162 I don't know if I can take all of the excitement. 335 00:15:08,436 --> 00:15:11,132 So, I think the award should go to Miss Knope, here. 336 00:15:11,873 --> 00:15:12,723 Hello. 337 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:14,284 She's the one who really deserves it. 338 00:15:14,309 --> 00:15:18,327 Camp Athena was her idea. She did all the work. You made a mistake. 339 00:15:18,545 --> 00:15:20,570 We didn't make a mistake. 340 00:15:20,647 --> 00:15:24,703 We made a very conscious decision this year to choose a man. 341 00:15:24,951 --> 00:15:25,975 Why? 342 00:15:26,027 --> 00:15:29,622 Well, every year, we give it to a woman, and, frankly, nobody cares. 343 00:15:29,722 --> 00:15:34,055 Yeah, the media has all but written us off as a niche interest group. 344 00:15:34,125 --> 00:15:37,030 But if you give a women's award 345 00:15:37,055 --> 00:15:39,911 to a mustachioed, masculine man, 346 00:15:39,930 --> 00:15:43,297 such as yourself, well, then, eventually, people take notice. 347 00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:44,977 I don't want the damn thing. 348 00:15:45,169 --> 00:15:46,636 Well, we're giving it to you. 349 00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:50,194 So, you're gonna take it, like a man. 350 00:15:51,074 --> 00:15:52,803 So congratulations. 351 00:15:53,710 --> 00:15:55,615 The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks 352 00:15:55,646 --> 00:15:57,620 who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong, 353 00:15:57,646 --> 00:15:59,082 and leave the real feminist work 354 00:15:59,114 --> 00:16:01,505 to actual feminists like Ron Swanson! 355 00:16:01,683 --> 00:16:03,913 Oh, my God! What is happening? 356 00:16:05,748 --> 00:16:07,783 Now do you see how silly these things are? 357 00:16:07,815 --> 00:16:08,571 Unbelievable. 358 00:16:08,597 --> 00:16:10,231 Obviously, I'm just gonna decline it. 359 00:16:10,250 --> 00:16:11,444 No, I want you to accept it. 360 00:16:11,475 --> 00:16:12,656 I want you to go to the podium 361 00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:14,362 and talk about how stupid awards are. 362 00:16:14,477 --> 00:16:16,308 And how they are superficial and meaningless. 363 00:16:16,379 --> 00:16:18,745 I want you to rip awards a new a-hole! 364 00:16:18,814 --> 00:16:21,907 Now we're talking. I tell you what. You write the speech. 365 00:16:21,945 --> 00:16:23,008 Don't pull your punches. 366 00:16:23,046 --> 00:16:24,670 I won't. I'm gonna push my punches 367 00:16:24,711 --> 00:16:26,474 as far as my fists can extend! 368 00:16:26,521 --> 00:16:28,806 Attagirl. Kind of. 369 00:16:29,490 --> 00:16:32,471 What up, Big T! Stop. 370 00:16:33,127 --> 00:16:34,890 This must be the lovely Donna. 371 00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,531 Listen, beautiful, let's cut the bull, right? 372 00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:42,159 You want this. I definitely want this. 373 00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:44,260 T.H. wants this. 374 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:47,066 Let's seal this devil's three-way right here, right now. 375 00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:49,232 Step one, we buy into this club. 376 00:16:49,307 --> 00:16:51,036 Step two, we roll over to the club, 377 00:16:51,109 --> 00:16:53,906 either in your Mercedes Benz or my pre-owned Acura Legend. 378 00:16:53,978 --> 00:16:56,811 Step three, I dagger you on the dance floor. 379 00:16:56,881 --> 00:16:58,348 Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce 380 00:16:58,416 --> 00:17:01,816 Now, all the ladies say it Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce 381 00:17:02,118 --> 00:17:03,210 What do you say, sexy? 382 00:17:03,453 --> 00:17:04,477 I'm out. 383 00:17:04,554 --> 00:17:06,488 - Why? - I hate that guy. 384 00:17:10,259 --> 00:17:14,093 Mr. Swanson. Hi, welcome to the IOW Awards, 385 00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:16,495 and congratulations on winning. 386 00:17:17,199 --> 00:17:18,222 Yay! 387 00:17:18,299 --> 00:17:20,130 Well, here is your awards packet, 388 00:17:20,201 --> 00:17:21,998 and if you will just follow me, 389 00:17:22,070 --> 00:17:24,334 we're gonna have a little meet-and-greet before the ceremony. 390 00:17:24,405 --> 00:17:25,394 - Okay. - Great. 391 00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:28,799 No, I'm sorry. This area is for award winners only. 392 00:17:29,176 --> 00:17:30,803 Get over yourself, Elise. 393 00:17:31,478 --> 00:17:34,242 Work on the speech. Let's nail these women. 394 00:17:35,247 --> 00:17:36,646 - You know what I mean. - Yeah. 395 00:17:36,816 --> 00:17:39,614 I don't know, Andy. What's it all about? What's the secret? 396 00:17:40,786 --> 00:17:41,878 Yeah. 397 00:17:41,954 --> 00:17:43,250 Why's it so hard to become a mogul? 398 00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:46,517 All I want in life is to own a nightclub on every continent, 399 00:17:46,591 --> 00:17:48,149 have my own line of upscale sweat suits, 400 00:17:48,226 --> 00:17:49,488 and a cologne called Tommy Fresh. 401 00:17:49,561 --> 00:17:51,222 And I fell $1,000 short. 402 00:17:51,562 --> 00:17:53,826 Seriously? That's all you needed? 403 00:17:54,264 --> 00:17:56,061 Tom, I have $1,000. You can have it. 404 00:17:56,433 --> 00:17:57,900 Thanks, Andy, but I can't take your money. 405 00:17:57,968 --> 00:17:59,525 I'm a singerlsongwriter. 406 00:17:59,735 --> 00:18:02,203 The two lines I've put into every song I've ever sang, 407 00:18:02,271 --> 00:18:05,331 "Spread your wings and fly," and "You deserve to be a champion." 408 00:18:05,942 --> 00:18:10,105 If you're telling me that all you need is $1,000 to do your dreams, 409 00:18:10,846 --> 00:18:12,211 then I want you to have it. 410 00:18:13,548 --> 00:18:15,106 Are you sure about this? 411 00:18:15,984 --> 00:18:16,972 Maybe. 412 00:18:17,051 --> 00:18:18,678 You don't know how happy you just made me. 413 00:18:20,187 --> 00:18:24,248 He's the Director of the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department. 414 00:18:24,324 --> 00:18:26,519 He is also the recipient of this year's 415 00:18:26,593 --> 00:18:29,892 Dorothy Everton Smythe Female Empowerment Award. 416 00:18:29,963 --> 00:18:32,658 Please put your hands together for Mr. Ron Swanson. 417 00:18:43,541 --> 00:18:44,701 Thank you. Thank you. 418 00:18:46,511 --> 00:18:51,243 Every award, from the smallest trophy to the Nobel Prize, 419 00:18:51,848 --> 00:18:53,509 is nothing more than... 420 00:19:01,090 --> 00:19:04,355 Is nothing more than a great way to honor someone. 421 00:19:04,793 --> 00:19:09,286 So, I would like to present this year's Dottie English Whatever Award 422 00:19:09,697 --> 00:19:12,427 to the person who actually deserves it, 423 00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:14,558 Leslie Knope. Come on up here, Leslie. 424 00:19:20,974 --> 00:19:22,100 Thank you. 425 00:19:22,176 --> 00:19:24,166 I don't know what to say. 426 00:19:24,510 --> 00:19:27,502 Honestly, I'm just very honored to work for someone 427 00:19:27,580 --> 00:19:30,276 as insightful and kind as my boss. 428 00:19:31,049 --> 00:19:36,544 So, I would like to present this year's Dorothy Everton Smythe Award 429 00:19:36,621 --> 00:19:38,145 to Ron Swanson. 430 00:19:41,525 --> 00:19:43,390 I don't want it. Just take the damn thing. 431 00:19:43,460 --> 00:19:44,552 You deserve it. 432 00:19:44,628 --> 00:19:46,596 - No, no. Really. - No, Ron, you deserve it. 433 00:19:46,645 --> 00:19:48,226 - Really, but I don't want it. - But you won it. 434 00:19:48,251 --> 00:19:49,464 - And you should win it. - You should take it. 435 00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:51,271 - After that whole conversation... - I'm being ridiculous. 436 00:19:51,299 --> 00:19:52,737 - You've done... - Could someone please just take it? 437 00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:55,590 Okay, I'll take it. Who do I speak to about getting this changed? 438 00:19:55,616 --> 00:19:57,379 - Get off the stage! - Yeah! 439 00:19:57,439 --> 00:19:59,737 I still think awards are stupid. 440 00:20:00,609 --> 00:20:04,305 But they'd be less stupid if they went to the right people. 441 00:20:09,283 --> 00:20:10,682 You gave Tom all your money? 442 00:20:10,818 --> 00:20:12,250 Yeah, well, I'm investing. 443 00:20:13,019 --> 00:20:14,919 I'm like Warren Buffay. 444 00:20:15,455 --> 00:20:16,752 I kind of feel like it would have been 445 00:20:16,823 --> 00:20:18,051 good for you to have your own place. 446 00:20:18,124 --> 00:20:23,220 Yeah, I know. But I feel like Tom really needed the money, 447 00:20:23,295 --> 00:20:24,489 and small sacrifice 448 00:20:24,563 --> 00:20:26,690 to see one of your best friends' dreams come true. 449 00:20:31,836 --> 00:20:33,064 They cropped you out. 450 00:20:33,471 --> 00:20:34,529 Figures. 451 00:20:34,672 --> 00:20:36,299 So, where are you gonna put it? 452 00:20:36,608 --> 00:20:38,234 I have an idea. 453 00:20:38,809 --> 00:20:41,778 One, two, three. Two, three. 454 00:20:58,591 --> 00:20:59,580 What's up? 455 00:20:59,639 --> 00:21:01,324 Hey, guys. How long did you wait in line? 456 00:21:01,355 --> 00:21:03,349 I didn't wait at all! I'm a part-owner. 457 00:21:03,481 --> 00:21:05,506 Freddy! I'm back. 458 00:21:05,697 --> 00:21:08,256 Tom Haverford, part-owner. Let me know if you need anything. 459 00:21:08,490 --> 00:21:10,582 Keep this booth warm for me every night. 460 00:21:10,613 --> 00:21:12,428 I'm gonna live in this booth. 461 00:21:14,778 --> 00:21:16,040 Yes, sir. 462 00:21:17,897 --> 00:21:19,091 Donna? 463 00:21:20,099 --> 00:21:21,396 What are you doing here? 464 00:21:21,467 --> 00:21:24,614 I bought three shares. Thanks for the tip.