1 00:00:01,659 --> 00:00:04,526 Okay, everybody. Time for the hummingbird lottery. 2 00:00:05,697 --> 00:00:09,431 Okay. You know how it works. Write your name down on a piece of paper. 3 00:00:09,501 --> 00:00:11,056 No, they don't win a hummingbird. 4 00:00:11,136 --> 00:00:13,948 I installed hummingbird feeders in all the parks, 5 00:00:14,039 --> 00:00:17,338 so the winner gets to refill those feeders. 6 00:00:17,542 --> 00:00:20,943 Scientifically, hummingbirds are the world's cutest animals. 7 00:00:21,012 --> 00:00:24,311 I mean, they're so small. And they have tiny beaks. 8 00:00:24,382 --> 00:00:28,182 And they only eat sugar water. I mean, what beats that? 9 00:00:28,253 --> 00:00:33,714 Come on. Baby monkeys in diapers? Yeah. They do. 10 00:00:33,792 --> 00:00:35,453 Baby monkeys in diapers are the cutest. 11 00:00:35,794 --> 00:00:36,852 Okay. Who's it going to be? 12 00:00:36,928 --> 00:00:37,952 Not me. 13 00:00:38,029 --> 00:00:39,053 Not me. Not me. Not me. 14 00:00:39,130 --> 00:00:40,859 Jerry. Yeah! 15 00:00:41,032 --> 00:00:43,023 You can stop by tomorrow morning before work. 16 00:00:43,101 --> 00:00:45,126 This is my third time in a row. 17 00:00:45,203 --> 00:00:46,227 Just a bad luck streak, buddy. 18 00:00:46,304 --> 00:00:48,272 Next time, I'm sure it will definitely be one of us. 19 00:00:48,540 --> 00:00:51,907 But it won't be me. Because I always write... 20 00:00:54,479 --> 00:00:55,503 Yeah. 21 00:00:55,713 --> 00:00:56,737 Yep. 22 00:00:56,815 --> 00:00:59,215 No, I always write my own name. 23 00:00:59,284 --> 00:01:04,984 But just to be safe, I do add 20 extra "Jerry" s. 24 00:01:25,844 --> 00:01:29,177 And finally, we are going to kick off the Children's Concert Series this weekend 25 00:01:29,247 --> 00:01:31,715 with a performance by Freddy Spaghetti. 26 00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,282 I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd. 27 00:01:33,351 --> 00:01:36,700 No. That's Mr. Funny Noodle. And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him. 28 00:01:36,831 --> 00:01:37,570 Oh. 29 00:01:37,592 --> 00:01:39,691 Where is Jerry, by the way? Why isn't he back? 30 00:01:39,724 --> 00:01:41,351 How long does it take to fill bird feeders? 31 00:01:41,426 --> 00:01:42,984 Maybe he fell into the toilet. 32 00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:44,629 Remember when he fell into the toilet? 33 00:01:45,530 --> 00:01:47,122 "Oh, sorry, guys. Sorry I'm late." 34 00:01:47,198 --> 00:01:48,726 "I got confused and took a shower," 35 00:01:48,755 --> 00:01:50,762 "after I got dressed, because I'm Jerry." 36 00:01:51,870 --> 00:01:55,829 David Meyers, the Jewish guy who works at City Hall, 37 00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:57,169 once told me something. 38 00:01:57,242 --> 00:02:02,202 A "schlemiel" is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. 39 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:05,681 A "schlimazel" is the guy he spills it on. 40 00:02:05,850 --> 00:02:10,913 Jerry is both the "schlemiel" and the "schlimazel" of our office. 41 00:02:11,764 --> 00:02:15,299 "And then I put my underwear on my head instead of my butt." 42 00:02:16,879 --> 00:02:18,941 Okay, okay, guys, that's enough. 43 00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:21,622 Unless somebody has another good one. 44 00:02:23,401 --> 00:02:24,629 Oh. 45 00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:26,630 Hi, Ann. 46 00:02:27,708 --> 00:02:28,786 Oh, no. 47 00:02:28,973 --> 00:02:31,479 Jerry. Jerry, are you okay? Ann, is Jerry okay? 48 00:02:31,509 --> 00:02:33,794 What's wrong with your arm? Ann, tell me what's wrong with Jerry's arm. 49 00:02:33,816 --> 00:02:35,647 Jerry, talk to me. Ann, get Jerry to talk to me. 50 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,113 Okay. He's okay. 51 00:02:37,146 --> 00:02:39,979 He's got a couple of scrapes and a dislocated shoulder. 52 00:02:40,018 --> 00:02:41,246 - Oh! - What happened? 53 00:02:41,486 --> 00:02:42,976 You guys are just going to laugh. 54 00:02:43,054 --> 00:02:44,497 Why? Did you throw out your shoulder 55 00:02:44,535 --> 00:02:46,503 trying to swing a honey pot off your hand? 56 00:02:46,752 --> 00:02:48,447 - I was mugged. - Oh. 57 00:02:48,721 --> 00:02:51,385 Oh, my God. Oh, I'm so sorry, Jerry. 58 00:02:51,496 --> 00:02:53,239 I was on my way to the hummingbird feeders 59 00:02:53,264 --> 00:02:54,754 and I was walking Lord Sheldon. 60 00:02:54,832 --> 00:02:55,856 Ew! 61 00:02:55,934 --> 00:02:58,220 Is that code for some kind of weird sex act? 62 00:02:58,369 --> 00:03:00,768 Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him. 63 00:03:00,952 --> 00:03:01,715 Ew! 64 00:03:01,773 --> 00:03:03,297 Anyway, these kids, they came out of nowhere, 65 00:03:03,374 --> 00:03:05,672 they pinned my arm back, they grabbed my wallet, 66 00:03:05,743 --> 00:03:06,971 and they knocked me to the ground. 67 00:03:07,045 --> 00:03:09,605 How did you counter-attack? Fist to the throat? 68 00:03:09,681 --> 00:03:11,046 Did you hit him in the beanbag? 69 00:03:11,115 --> 00:03:13,777 There's no shame in attacking a criminal's beanbag. 70 00:03:13,851 --> 00:03:16,149 No, I just curled up and laid still until they left. 71 00:03:17,422 --> 00:03:19,583 Well, that's another way to play it. 72 00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:22,319 Did any of them have weird tattoos or scars or anything? 73 00:03:22,393 --> 00:03:25,294 If even one of them had a unique scar, we got them. 74 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:27,021 I didn't get a good look. 75 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:31,226 Damn it, Jerry. Sorry. You're the victim. Sorry. Sorry. 76 00:03:31,603 --> 00:03:34,367 I feel like we're responsible for this. 77 00:03:34,439 --> 00:03:36,235 Why? We didn't mug Jerry. 78 00:03:36,306 --> 00:03:38,740 Well, why was he in the park in the first place? 79 00:03:38,809 --> 00:03:40,970 Because we tricked him into going there. I don't see the connection. 80 00:03:41,044 --> 00:03:43,672 I don't know. This is on us. It's karma. 81 00:03:43,747 --> 00:03:45,612 Wouldn't it be karma if we were the ones that got mugged? 82 00:03:45,682 --> 00:03:46,979 Yeah. That's how pathetic Jerry is. 83 00:03:47,050 --> 00:03:48,278 He can't even get karma right. 84 00:03:50,087 --> 00:03:51,281 No, that's not funny. 85 00:03:54,591 --> 00:03:56,456 Our friend got mugged this morning. 86 00:03:56,526 --> 00:03:58,084 And we will not let that happen in vain. 87 00:03:58,195 --> 00:03:59,355 He doesn't have a black eye. 88 00:03:59,429 --> 00:04:01,954 Well, frankly, the whole department has a black eye. 89 00:04:02,032 --> 00:04:03,624 This is our wake-up call, guys. 90 00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:05,463 Jerry's face is the symbol of failure. 91 00:04:07,271 --> 00:04:09,102 Our failure to keep the parks safe. 92 00:04:09,373 --> 00:04:11,898 I have some folders. Inside are some assignments. 93 00:04:11,975 --> 00:04:14,307 And some homemade taffy. 94 00:04:14,378 --> 00:04:16,175 - Mmm. - Mmm-hmm. 95 00:04:16,246 --> 00:04:18,976 April, I want you to check in with our police liaison. 96 00:04:19,049 --> 00:04:21,847 Donna, I need you to go to Ramsett Park. Tom, you're with me. 97 00:04:21,952 --> 00:04:25,149 So, when you say that you want me to check in with the police liaison, 98 00:04:25,222 --> 00:04:26,883 you mean hook up with him, right? 99 00:04:27,057 --> 00:04:30,117 No. Just check in with him. Everybody dismissed. 100 00:04:30,294 --> 00:04:31,818 Wait. I want to help. 101 00:04:31,895 --> 00:04:32,987 What? 102 00:04:33,063 --> 00:04:36,794 I'm going to teach everybody self-defense, so you can defend yourselves. 103 00:04:36,867 --> 00:04:39,893 We need it. Because we certainly are a bunch of weaklings. 104 00:04:39,970 --> 00:04:42,268 - Especially Tom. - I am not a weakling. 105 00:04:42,339 --> 00:04:43,499 Arm wrestle me right now. 106 00:04:43,573 --> 00:04:44,665 Okay. 107 00:04:45,909 --> 00:04:48,605 I think I'm more than holding my own here... 108 00:04:49,546 --> 00:04:51,707 Three, four, five... 109 00:04:51,782 --> 00:04:52,840 Hey. 110 00:04:55,085 --> 00:04:57,781 Six. Hey! How you doing? 111 00:04:57,854 --> 00:04:58,912 Not too bad. 112 00:04:58,989 --> 00:05:01,048 I was just dropping off Jerry from the hospital. 113 00:05:01,124 --> 00:05:02,284 He was mugged in the park. 114 00:05:02,492 --> 00:05:04,357 No. Jerry? 115 00:05:04,428 --> 00:05:07,056 The black guy with the Looney Tunes ties? I love him. 116 00:05:07,130 --> 00:05:09,257 No. Jerry who works with Leslie. 117 00:05:09,533 --> 00:05:11,694 That Jerry? Yeah. 118 00:05:11,768 --> 00:05:13,633 He got mugged? 119 00:05:14,304 --> 00:05:16,898 Oh. Well, I mean, that's kind of a bummer, too. 120 00:05:16,973 --> 00:05:19,567 Hey, while I have you here, what do you think of this? 121 00:05:20,444 --> 00:05:21,468 Uh... 122 00:05:21,545 --> 00:05:23,137 Scrotation Marks. 123 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:26,147 I don't know what you're talking about, but my gut says no. 124 00:05:26,416 --> 00:05:27,610 New band name. 125 00:05:28,318 --> 00:05:30,411 Because "Mouse Rat," it's a great name, 126 00:05:30,487 --> 00:05:33,047 but at the same time, it sucks. 127 00:05:33,123 --> 00:05:35,254 So, I think we have to change it just one more time... 128 00:05:35,292 --> 00:05:37,283 Dude, you've got to stop doing that. 129 00:05:37,336 --> 00:05:39,842 How are people going to become fans if they literally don't know 130 00:05:39,875 --> 00:05:41,567 the name of the band they're listening to? 131 00:05:42,265 --> 00:05:43,527 That is a really good point. 132 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,332 I always had fun with Andy. 133 00:05:46,403 --> 00:05:49,531 The problem is, when you're his girlfriend, you're also his mother, 134 00:05:49,606 --> 00:05:52,302 and his maid and his nurse. 135 00:05:52,376 --> 00:05:56,472 He's completely helpless. He's like a baby in a straightjacket. 136 00:05:56,546 --> 00:05:59,242 Ooh! "Baby in a Straightjacket." That's a good band name. 137 00:05:59,316 --> 00:06:00,874 I should tell him that. 138 00:06:01,585 --> 00:06:04,110 Ha-ha, guys. Really funny. Where's the real banner? 139 00:06:04,187 --> 00:06:05,384 We only had an hour. 140 00:06:05,455 --> 00:06:07,534 So did I. Look what I did. 141 00:06:08,225 --> 00:06:09,249 Hey, guys. 142 00:06:09,326 --> 00:06:10,350 Jerry! 143 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:11,925 Welcome back. 144 00:06:13,096 --> 00:06:15,394 Really. My gosh, you should not have gone to all this trouble. 145 00:06:15,532 --> 00:06:18,660 Oh. It's no trouble for our buddy. Here you go. 146 00:06:18,802 --> 00:06:21,703 Listen. Today is Jerry Day. We'll do whatever you want to do. 147 00:06:21,772 --> 00:06:22,761 Anything at all. 148 00:06:22,839 --> 00:06:26,297 Honestly, what I would like to do is just have everything go back to normal. 149 00:06:26,376 --> 00:06:27,843 - That sounds good to me. - Okay. 150 00:06:27,911 --> 00:06:30,209 I believe you were going to do a presentation. 151 00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:31,770 Yes, sir, I was. I will go set up. 152 00:06:31,848 --> 00:06:32,940 Okay. 153 00:06:34,484 --> 00:06:38,818 Remember, you guys. No jokes. No comments. Nothing but support. 154 00:06:38,889 --> 00:06:40,322 He needs a lot of support. 155 00:06:40,390 --> 00:06:41,448 Tom. 156 00:06:41,525 --> 00:06:43,015 Talking about a bra for a man. 157 00:06:45,295 --> 00:06:47,627 Okay, seriously. That was the last one. 158 00:06:47,864 --> 00:06:50,856 So, as we know, Spring Hunting Season is upon us. 159 00:06:52,402 --> 00:06:56,964 Uh, anyway, here's the info about the new licensing system. 160 00:06:57,340 --> 00:06:58,364 Um... 161 00:06:58,442 --> 00:07:01,707 Jerry? I don't... I don't think your computer is plugged in. 162 00:07:01,978 --> 00:07:04,344 I'm sorry, guys. Just got to power up. 163 00:07:04,414 --> 00:07:09,044 First thing we should have is my graph about the season. What? 164 00:07:09,119 --> 00:07:11,417 Wait a minute. No. That is not the graph. 165 00:07:11,488 --> 00:07:13,752 That's a picture from my vacation to Muncie. 166 00:07:13,890 --> 00:07:16,950 You went on a vacation and you chose Muncie, Indiana? 167 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:18,821 Yeah. My wife and I have a time-share. 168 00:07:19,663 --> 00:07:20,823 In Muncie? 169 00:07:20,897 --> 00:07:22,990 Tom, Muncie is a lovely city. 170 00:07:24,634 --> 00:07:27,228 Anyway, Hunting and Fishing Season is winding down. Okay? 171 00:07:27,304 --> 00:07:31,001 And we all know that it's already closed season on "twout." So, now... 172 00:07:32,142 --> 00:07:34,576 I said "twout" instead of "trout." 173 00:07:34,744 --> 00:07:36,177 It happens to everyone. 174 00:07:36,413 --> 00:07:38,381 My marbles are full of mouth today. 175 00:07:39,149 --> 00:07:41,549 You know what? Has anybody seen my glasses? 176 00:07:41,618 --> 00:07:43,381 I don't even think I can... 177 00:07:52,028 --> 00:07:54,378 It says here "1:00 meeting." And who are we meeting with? 178 00:07:54,424 --> 00:07:56,774 - Don't worry about it. - Oh, no. Please, no. 179 00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:59,132 Tom, it's important to meet with the Park Rangers. 180 00:07:59,202 --> 00:08:01,102 They are the first line of defense. 181 00:08:01,705 --> 00:08:03,229 Leslie Knope! 182 00:08:04,641 --> 00:08:06,871 - Hey, Carl. - What's up, pencil pushers? 183 00:08:07,077 --> 00:08:08,942 Haverford. Good to see you, man. 184 00:08:10,213 --> 00:08:13,148 Is it hot in here? I feel hot. Are you guys hot? 185 00:08:13,216 --> 00:08:16,151 How you guys doing? I'm good. You guys got any snacks? 186 00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:19,412 Carl is the head of all outdoor security. 187 00:08:19,489 --> 00:08:22,219 Why was he transferred from his indoor desk job, you ask. 188 00:08:22,292 --> 00:08:23,520 Listen. 189 00:08:23,593 --> 00:08:27,529 Hey, Leslie. Have you seen Avatar? I never saw Avatar. 190 00:08:27,597 --> 00:08:29,497 I wanted to read the book first, 191 00:08:29,566 --> 00:08:32,467 but then I realized there's no book version of Avatar. 192 00:08:32,802 --> 00:08:35,032 What did you guys do for St. Patty's Day? 193 00:08:35,105 --> 00:08:38,074 I was wearing this t-shirt that said "Kiss me, I'm Irish." 194 00:08:38,141 --> 00:08:40,033 But no one would kiss me. 195 00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:47,061 So. You're too important for me until one of your own gets attacked. 196 00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:51,220 I just feel like there's more we can do to keep the parks safe. 197 00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:53,562 Oh, you think you know how to do my job? 198 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:58,433 Well, you might not be so confident once you've walked a mile in my size sevens. 199 00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:00,130 Kind of small feet. 200 00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,294 Actually, seven is the worldwide average. 201 00:09:02,404 --> 00:09:03,496 Boom! 202 00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:08,346 Welcome to the emergency self-defense class. 203 00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:11,976 I'll be showing you how to escape from a variety of situations, 204 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:15,112 while inflicting maximum damage on your attackers. 205 00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:18,119 Ron, do you think that maybe I should put Mark in a headlock? 206 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:21,092 That way, I can show everyone how to escape a pervert? 207 00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:24,820 In the scenario you just laid out, you're the pervert. 208 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,195 You understand that, right? 209 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,700 - You wish. - Enough. 210 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,896 I'm going to start off simple, and demonstrate 211 00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:34,498 how to extract oneself from a wrist grab. 212 00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:37,504 Andy. Ann. Step up here. 213 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,341 I watch a lot of Lifetime movies. There was this one, 214 00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:44,248 How Far is Too Far Enough: The Teri Palliber Lonergan Story. 215 00:09:44,318 --> 00:09:47,253 This woman had agoraphobia and her therapist was obsessed with her, 216 00:09:47,321 --> 00:09:48,481 and he hid in her house. 217 00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:51,524 And then he attacked her and tried to eat her toes. 218 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,786 Also, her daughter was having sex way too young. 219 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,995 So, yeah. Free self-defense class? I'm there. 220 00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:01,560 And then just twist away. 221 00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,569 Very good. Very good. Well done. 222 00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,605 Oh! What's up now, mugger? 223 00:10:05,672 --> 00:10:08,573 Ann, that was awesome. That was really good. 224 00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,668 I don't know, Leslie. I'd rather be back at the office. 225 00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:16,440 I know this is painful for you, Jerry, but you have to be strong. 226 00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:19,215 You guys ready? 227 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,552 Oh, boy. Yeah, okay. We're ready. 228 00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:26,054 I'm going to show you guys all the problems we've been facing. 229 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,253 I'm going to show you that we've been doing everything we can. 230 00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:30,262 Well, I'm looking forward to working together, Carl. 231 00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:33,265 And after that, I'm going to show you this log I found. 232 00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:37,667 It's got, like, fifty worms on it. I call it "worm log." 233 00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,073 Yeah, I've always been a bit of an outdoorsman. 234 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,403 When I was a kid, my parents used to 235 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,205 make me hang out in the backyard a lot 236 00:10:45,277 --> 00:10:47,768 and just run around until I got tired. 237 00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:52,477 But if there's any criminals out there watching, I never get tired. 238 00:10:52,551 --> 00:10:54,644 And ladies, too. 239 00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:58,084 This thing is a mess. 240 00:10:58,157 --> 00:11:00,022 We used to have three carts, actually. 241 00:11:00,092 --> 00:11:03,186 The first one got pushed into the creek by some kids. 242 00:11:03,262 --> 00:11:07,289 The second one, raccoons got onto. There was urine everywhere. 243 00:11:07,366 --> 00:11:09,334 And the third one was recently stolen. 244 00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:11,533 What's this one? This is the second one. 245 00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:14,198 The raccoon piss one. 246 00:11:14,273 --> 00:11:16,901 All right. So we're going to just head out. 247 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:23,143 Oh, no. You know what? I think we've got too much weight. 248 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:25,207 Oh. 249 00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:26,546 That's Tom, probably. 250 00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:28,114 Are you serious? 251 00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:29,848 Tom, can you get off, please? 252 00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:32,590 Just run alongside the cart, okay? 253 00:11:32,658 --> 00:11:34,091 Okay. Here we go. 254 00:11:34,226 --> 00:11:35,215 Whoa! 255 00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:38,395 So, I want to tell you a little bit about the park. 256 00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:43,060 Up here on the left is one of our most beautiful grass fields. 257 00:11:43,129 --> 00:11:44,966 It's primarily grass. 258 00:11:44,991 --> 00:11:46,753 All right, I'm going to make a hard left here. 259 00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:48,552 Stick with us, Tom. 260 00:11:48,741 --> 00:11:52,905 Okay. Lesson learned. Thank you. Next. Andy. 261 00:11:56,015 --> 00:11:59,781 Impressive. I'm going to engage Andy in an attack hold, 262 00:11:59,852 --> 00:12:00,978 and he's going to try and break free. 263 00:12:01,854 --> 00:12:03,845 Cool. Now, I don't want to hurt you, Ron. 264 00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:06,357 Don't worry about that. Just try to escape my attack. 265 00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:09,917 Now, when I get out, am I allowed to counter-strike? 266 00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:14,933 Sure. When you get out, you may counter-attack. 267 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,093 But just promise me you'll be ready, 268 00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:19,967 because, I mean, I don't want to destroy you. 269 00:12:20,773 --> 00:12:23,765 Okay. I see where we're going with this... 270 00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:30,114 Now, when your arms are pinned to your sides, use your legs to break free, 271 00:12:30,182 --> 00:12:32,514 instead of your neck, which is what Andy is trying to do. 272 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,081 Okay, hold up. Get off! 273 00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:38,512 Let him go. 274 00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:43,684 Andy. 275 00:12:46,232 --> 00:12:47,665 - Oh, God. - Oops. 276 00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:50,064 Any of this looking familiar? 277 00:12:50,135 --> 00:12:52,194 Yeah. It happened right over there. 278 00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:56,799 Oh, yeah. I'm not surprised. Take a look at this path. 279 00:12:57,243 --> 00:13:00,144 With budget cuts, we can't afford a single safety light. 280 00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:02,112 There's been 10 assaults already this year. 281 00:13:02,181 --> 00:13:03,409 Wow. Really? 282 00:13:03,482 --> 00:13:05,313 Can't you station a Park Ranger out here? 283 00:13:05,384 --> 00:13:08,114 We have! Who do you think they're assaulting? 284 00:13:08,187 --> 00:13:09,916 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. 285 00:13:10,656 --> 00:13:13,750 One way or another, I'm going to get money so you can protect Jerry, 286 00:13:13,826 --> 00:13:16,693 and all the other helpless, pathetic people in this town. 287 00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:21,230 You guys have got to slow down. 288 00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:22,597 Can I just take a rest for a minute? 289 00:13:22,668 --> 00:13:24,067 No, Tom. Sorry. No can do. 290 00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:25,797 Sun's going down and it's real dangerous out here. 291 00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:27,805 - Let's roll, Carl. - Okay. Going fast. 292 00:13:32,077 --> 00:13:34,045 Okay, what day is it today? 293 00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:35,171 I don't know. 294 00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:37,205 Okay, but to be fair, you never know. 295 00:13:37,283 --> 00:13:38,545 That's kind of true. 296 00:13:38,617 --> 00:13:43,486 I'm super bad at days. But honestly, I'm fine. 297 00:13:44,356 --> 00:13:46,586 Sorry I squeezed your lights out there, son. 298 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:49,389 No worries. Will you show me how to do that move, though? 299 00:13:49,461 --> 00:13:50,485 Sure. I can teach you right now... 300 00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:53,623 No, no, no. Andy, you should really just take it easy, I think. 301 00:13:53,699 --> 00:13:56,998 Do you want some more water? Or maybe some pancakes? 302 00:13:57,069 --> 00:13:59,469 No. No, I'm fine. Thank you. 303 00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:01,439 What is the first move in any fight? 304 00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:02,735 Punch to the balls. 305 00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:05,903 We've all heard the old saying. 306 00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:08,139 "Parks are supposed to be fun." 307 00:14:08,213 --> 00:14:10,704 But sometimes, muggers have their own ideas. 308 00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:14,776 Leslie Knope is with us again from the Parks Department. 309 00:14:14,853 --> 00:14:17,048 Leslie, tell us your story. 310 00:14:17,122 --> 00:14:19,647 This is my co-worker, Jerry Gergich. 311 00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:24,595 Diabetic. Sloppily out of shape. Friend. 312 00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:28,224 He was mugged this morning in Ramsett Park. 313 00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:33,403 Who's next? Your frumpy uncle? Your simple neighbor? 314 00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:36,404 Your unpopular co-worker? 315 00:14:36,475 --> 00:14:37,965 Head of security, Carl Lorthner, 316 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,136 is doing his best to keep the parks safe, 317 00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:41,236 but he's failing. 318 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:43,814 So, what is the solution to fix this? 319 00:14:43,882 --> 00:14:47,648 To make it right. And not bad. 320 00:14:48,854 --> 00:14:52,221 We need money from City Hall. And it's not coming through. 321 00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:54,486 And Pawnee, I am sorry to say this, 322 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,721 but your government is failing you. 323 00:14:56,829 --> 00:15:00,959 Up next, 10 objects you didn't know you can eat. 324 00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:04,501 What possessed you to do that? 325 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:07,596 I'm sorry, Paul, but one of my guys got mugged in the park. 326 00:15:07,673 --> 00:15:10,107 I don't care how upset you are. 327 00:15:10,175 --> 00:15:13,440 You do not badmouth your own government on TV. 328 00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:17,514 I'm sure you'll be happy to know your little stunt worked. 329 00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:23,582 The Mayor is going to divert $2500 to the Parks for security upgrades. 330 00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:24,714 There's going to be an announcement 331 00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:26,155 tomorrow at 10:00 in the press room. 332 00:15:26,225 --> 00:15:30,457 So... Make sure you bring the doofus who got his ass kicked. 333 00:15:30,529 --> 00:15:31,860 I don't know who you're referring to. 334 00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:33,488 We treat everyone with respect around here. 335 00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,458 Okay. 336 00:15:37,636 --> 00:15:40,161 Good morning. As many of you know, 337 00:15:40,239 --> 00:15:46,337 there was an incident involving a government employee in Ramsett Park. 338 00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:47,639 Jerry, are you nervous? 339 00:15:47,946 --> 00:15:51,404 Just talk about how hard it was for you. Speak from the heart. 340 00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:52,973 You'll be fine. 341 00:15:53,218 --> 00:15:55,516 Leslie? I wasn't mugged. 342 00:15:55,587 --> 00:15:56,986 Safety of our citizens. 343 00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:58,887 That's why we're here today to give Pawnee... 344 00:16:00,774 --> 00:16:02,343 Jerry? Why don't you step on up here? 345 00:16:02,402 --> 00:16:04,692 No, I will. 346 00:16:04,874 --> 00:16:08,880 Get up here. I'm going to speak for Jerry. 347 00:16:08,912 --> 00:16:14,668 He can't talk right now because he has hysterical muteness from trauma. 348 00:16:14,719 --> 00:16:15,618 Correct. 349 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:16,669 Jerry. 350 00:16:18,288 --> 00:16:20,219 What about this? Is this fake? Huh? Is this fake? 351 00:16:20,257 --> 00:16:22,725 This is real. I really dislocated my shoulder. 352 00:16:22,769 --> 00:16:24,701 Were you even in the park yesterday? 353 00:16:24,761 --> 00:16:26,854 Look, I was on my way to feed the hummingbirds, 354 00:16:26,930 --> 00:16:28,829 and I stopped for a breakfast burrito. 355 00:16:29,599 --> 00:16:31,032 - The farting. - Yeah. 356 00:16:31,101 --> 00:16:34,321 And Lord Sheldon... He lunged at a bird, I dropped the burrito, 357 00:16:34,371 --> 00:16:36,066 and it landed on a log in the creek. 358 00:16:36,139 --> 00:16:38,004 So, I go to reach for it, I lose my balance, 359 00:16:38,074 --> 00:16:40,001 and I fall on my shoulder really weird. 360 00:16:40,043 --> 00:16:42,136 Well, why didn't you just tell everybody the truth? 361 00:16:42,212 --> 00:16:45,846 Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said. 362 00:16:46,583 --> 00:16:49,609 Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? 363 00:16:49,686 --> 00:16:52,655 What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Kill your wife? 364 00:16:52,889 --> 00:16:55,983 Block the opponent's punch and counter-punch to the jaw. 365 00:16:57,460 --> 00:16:58,722 Shoeshine? 366 00:16:58,795 --> 00:16:59,887 Hey. 367 00:16:59,963 --> 00:17:03,069 Oh! Hey! Ann Perkins, in the "shoe-shouse." 368 00:17:03,733 --> 00:17:06,775 I wanted to check in. I brought some stuff from the hospital. 369 00:17:06,806 --> 00:17:10,936 Water, a compress, aspirin, some lollipops, I know you love those. 370 00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:13,694 Ann, you know, thank you. But really, I'm feeling great. 371 00:17:13,710 --> 00:17:16,084 I took a couple of aspirin and slept right through the night. 372 00:17:16,127 --> 00:17:20,223 And... Hold on a second. Ludgate. What the hell? 373 00:17:20,249 --> 00:17:22,513 I got you one of those veggie muffins that you're always eating. 374 00:17:22,547 --> 00:17:25,272 - Score. - Yeah. It tastes like a rug. 375 00:17:25,355 --> 00:17:27,647 - Shut up. - Don't hit me. 376 00:17:28,391 --> 00:17:30,041 Good. Well, I'm glad you're feeling better. 377 00:17:30,066 --> 00:17:32,091 I am. Thank you for that. 378 00:17:32,228 --> 00:17:33,695 That's so cool. 379 00:17:33,838 --> 00:17:36,705 Since when did he start doing stuff for other people? 380 00:17:36,775 --> 00:17:40,506 Now, I actually am worried that something happened to his brain. 381 00:17:41,168 --> 00:17:43,193 People change, I guess... 382 00:17:44,238 --> 00:17:46,672 Wouldn't you rather the money go to keeping the parks safe? 383 00:17:46,741 --> 00:17:49,309 Yes, but now, we have the money under false pretenses. 384 00:17:49,410 --> 00:17:51,903 I actually think that you have a bigger problem than the money. 385 00:17:52,368 --> 00:17:53,108 What? 386 00:17:53,151 --> 00:17:54,613 There is someone in your department 387 00:17:54,655 --> 00:17:56,330 who is willing to lie about being mugged, 388 00:17:56,354 --> 00:17:58,117 because he's afraid of his co-workers. 389 00:18:00,186 --> 00:18:04,122 Knope. Yep. No. 390 00:18:06,426 --> 00:18:08,291 Carl. What are you doing? 391 00:18:08,728 --> 00:18:10,389 Oh, Leslie. 392 00:18:10,588 --> 00:18:13,368 Well, since you decided to drag my name through the mud on TV, 393 00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:14,920 I figured why not return the favor. 394 00:18:14,942 --> 00:18:17,570 Carl, could you quietly quiet down for a second, 395 00:18:17,601 --> 00:18:19,846 and please tell mewhat is going on, quietly? 396 00:18:19,877 --> 00:18:22,780 Okay? In a quiet voice. 397 00:18:23,276 --> 00:18:26,395 A citizen handed in a very interesting home video 398 00:18:26,432 --> 00:18:30,391 that I think the people of Pawnee will find very interesting. 399 00:18:30,426 --> 00:18:31,893 Take a peek at this. 400 00:18:35,088 --> 00:18:37,056 Keep your eyes on the creek. 401 00:18:38,892 --> 00:18:42,487 There he is. This is my favorite part. 402 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,508 Not willing to share with a dog. 403 00:18:45,698 --> 00:18:49,573 So, it would appear that Park Security was not to blame after all. 404 00:18:49,869 --> 00:18:52,706 Okay, look. I have a proposition for you. 405 00:18:52,906 --> 00:18:54,862 Fine. I'll have sex with you in exchange for the tape. 406 00:18:54,899 --> 00:18:58,300 That's not what I am saying. Okay? 407 00:18:58,344 --> 00:19:01,544 Just listen to what I have to say. 408 00:19:02,515 --> 00:19:07,612 The Ramsett Park mugging story continues with a shiny new twist. 409 00:19:08,988 --> 00:19:12,219 Ranger Carl Lorthner is here today. 410 00:19:12,292 --> 00:19:14,108 Now, I understand 411 00:19:14,127 --> 00:19:19,320 that you have a bombshell to drop that you are just sitting on. 412 00:19:20,433 --> 00:19:21,706 Yes, that's correct. 413 00:19:21,733 --> 00:19:23,557 I came on today because I have some 414 00:19:23,603 --> 00:19:25,751 very important information to share. 415 00:19:25,805 --> 00:19:30,768 I finally saw Avatar and I thought it lived up to the hype. 416 00:19:32,111 --> 00:19:35,478 Well, I'm not sure what that has to do with the mugging. 417 00:19:35,548 --> 00:19:38,073 Uh... Leslie. Counterpoint. 418 00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:40,152 - I disagree with Carl. - Okay. 419 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:44,938 I have seen Avatar as well, and I think it exceeded the hype. 420 00:19:44,991 --> 00:19:45,980 What? 421 00:19:46,259 --> 00:19:48,955 Oh boy, we... 422 00:19:49,028 --> 00:19:50,546 Disagreement. 423 00:19:51,130 --> 00:19:54,065 Well, things are really heating up in here, aren't they? 424 00:19:54,133 --> 00:19:56,295 We should probably take some calls. 425 00:19:56,836 --> 00:20:01,386 That segment was a disaster. Don't you ever me like that again. 426 00:20:01,430 --> 00:20:03,698 This is Pawnee Today. 427 00:20:03,741 --> 00:20:05,003 Do you know that I bumped a cat 428 00:20:05,044 --> 00:20:07,512 that can stand up on its hinders for you? 429 00:20:07,647 --> 00:20:10,013 You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my sight. 430 00:20:10,149 --> 00:20:11,639 - Yes, ma'am. - Go. 431 00:20:12,051 --> 00:20:16,112 Go on. Oh, no, no, no. Don't make me chase you. 432 00:20:16,189 --> 00:20:17,816 You want to go eat something? 433 00:20:18,190 --> 00:20:19,214 Okay. 434 00:20:19,325 --> 00:20:21,109 I am part of a great team. 435 00:20:21,194 --> 00:20:24,186 And sometimes, the best way to maintain a strong team 436 00:20:24,264 --> 00:20:26,089 is just by letting someone know 437 00:20:26,118 --> 00:20:27,882 that he is still a part of it. 438 00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:32,026 This is the only copy, and I am going to destroy it. 439 00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:36,071 Right after I watch it one more time. 440 00:20:37,010 --> 00:20:40,366 I'm sorry, but it is so good. 441 00:20:41,963 --> 00:20:43,563 - Hey, Jerry. - Hmm. 442 00:20:43,631 --> 00:20:45,496 I got you a peppermint latte. 443 00:20:45,566 --> 00:20:49,002 Seriously? My goodness. I love a peppermint... 444 00:20:49,070 --> 00:20:50,662 I know. 445 00:20:51,806 --> 00:20:54,962 Oh, geez. Go ahead. 446 00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:57,224 We should just directly apply the food to your clothes. 447 00:20:58,246 --> 00:21:01,831 Making fun of Jerry is back! 448 00:21:02,550 --> 00:21:04,121 They can laugh at me all they want. 449 00:21:04,185 --> 00:21:08,315 Because two more years until I retire with full benefits and pension. 450 00:21:08,389 --> 00:21:11,085 And the wife and I, we have bought a little cottage on a lake. 451 00:21:11,159 --> 00:21:13,855 And I am going to get myself a stack of mystery novels, 452 00:21:13,928 --> 00:21:18,831 a box of cigars, and I am going to sit back and enjoy my life. 453 00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:20,026 Hey, Jerry? 454 00:21:20,101 --> 00:21:21,864 April was just double-checking the lunch order. 455 00:21:21,936 --> 00:21:24,097 Do you want the salmon or the "twout"? 456 00:21:24,305 --> 00:21:26,865 Twout! Twout! Twout! Twout!