1 00:00:01,527 --> 00:00:04,123 Ron? Jack Cooper, from the Controller's Office. 2 00:00:04,198 --> 00:00:05,325 Got a second? 3 00:00:05,602 --> 00:00:06,797 Sure, what can I do you for? 4 00:00:06,871 --> 00:00:08,534 Frankly, this is a little awkward. 5 00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:11,168 We've received this letter from a collection agency 6 00:00:11,246 --> 00:00:14,309 about an outstanding debt from the Pawnee Public Library. 7 00:00:14,385 --> 00:00:15,979 It appears you have an overdue book. 8 00:00:16,055 --> 00:00:17,284 Oh, do I? 9 00:00:17,358 --> 00:00:22,096 Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis. 10 00:00:23,604 --> 00:00:24,765 Tammy. 11 00:00:24,907 --> 00:00:27,936 My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often 12 00:00:28,013 --> 00:00:30,142 and make sure I'm doing okay. 13 00:00:30,585 --> 00:00:34,115 And if I am, she tries to everything up. 14 00:00:34,191 --> 00:00:36,958 Okay, I pre-dialed 911, so all you have to do is press send. 15 00:00:37,031 --> 00:00:38,397 You're worrying over nothing. 16 00:00:38,466 --> 00:00:40,265 If she binds your hands and you can't reach your phone, 17 00:00:40,337 --> 00:00:41,931 just try to chew yourself free. 18 00:00:45,147 --> 00:00:46,673 Whale tail. Whale tail. 19 00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:48,446 She's flashing a whale tail. Abort. Abort. 20 00:00:48,521 --> 00:00:49,682 Hello, Tammy. 21 00:00:50,625 --> 00:00:51,650 Oh! 22 00:00:51,727 --> 00:00:54,163 Hello, Ron. I didn't see you come in. 23 00:00:54,533 --> 00:00:56,730 I was just checking myself for scoliosis. 24 00:00:56,804 --> 00:00:58,671 And? Straight as an arrow. 25 00:00:59,141 --> 00:01:00,804 Just like somebody else I know. 26 00:01:01,312 --> 00:01:02,337 Jerky? 27 00:01:02,782 --> 00:01:04,273 Call off the dogs. 28 00:01:04,686 --> 00:01:07,624 You and I both know that in my entire adult life, 29 00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:11,153 I have never checked a book out of the library. 30 00:01:11,734 --> 00:01:13,430 Oh, my God, she's amazing. 31 00:01:14,105 --> 00:01:15,095 Ooh! 32 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:16,767 Mmm. 33 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,939 I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior 34 00:01:19,015 --> 00:01:21,076 would've driven me wild. 35 00:01:21,352 --> 00:01:24,017 But I am in a healthy relationship now, Tammy. 36 00:01:24,158 --> 00:01:26,253 A relationship? With whom? 37 00:01:26,329 --> 00:01:30,360 A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy. 38 00:01:30,772 --> 00:01:32,206 Sounds like a real whore. 39 00:01:32,942 --> 00:01:35,276 Clear the late charges and cut the crap. 40 00:01:35,848 --> 00:01:36,975 Good day. 41 00:01:38,988 --> 00:01:40,013 Good day, Leslie. 42 00:01:40,090 --> 00:01:42,253 Good... Good day. 43 00:02:03,169 --> 00:02:06,870 Okay, so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas, so let's talk toppings. 44 00:02:06,944 --> 00:02:08,641 Sausage, onion, and peppers. 45 00:02:08,714 --> 00:02:10,877 Scientifically proven to be the best toppings. 46 00:02:10,952 --> 00:02:12,113 Nice. 47 00:02:12,187 --> 00:02:15,683 Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option? 48 00:02:15,762 --> 00:02:17,424 Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben. 49 00:02:17,532 --> 00:02:20,196 Yeah, Ben, these guys are cops, not ballerinas. 50 00:02:20,303 --> 00:02:21,602 So we are throwing a little shindig 51 00:02:21,673 --> 00:02:23,939 for the police department because we're asking them 52 00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:26,574 to volunteer as security during the Harvest Festival. 53 00:02:26,950 --> 00:02:29,250 I don't know what it is about big outdoor gatherings 54 00:02:29,355 --> 00:02:33,420 that makes everyone want to urinate all over everything, 55 00:02:34,298 --> 00:02:35,699 but it does. 56 00:02:36,068 --> 00:02:37,503 And they do. 57 00:02:37,839 --> 00:02:40,002 Okay, how about some calzones? 58 00:02:40,110 --> 00:02:42,673 Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. 59 00:02:42,816 --> 00:02:45,252 They're dumb, and so was that idea. 60 00:02:45,555 --> 00:02:47,923 Seriously? This is embarrassing for you. 61 00:02:48,026 --> 00:02:50,520 Sorry to interrupt. Ron, are you ready? 62 00:02:50,898 --> 00:02:52,161 Absolutely, my dear. 63 00:02:52,535 --> 00:02:55,905 I am off to have a mid-morning pre-lunch with my lady friend, 64 00:02:55,975 --> 00:02:57,672 but I will be back in time for lunch. 65 00:02:57,745 --> 00:02:58,770 All right. 66 00:03:00,050 --> 00:03:01,211 Ron's girlfriend's pretty. 67 00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:05,886 Tom's ex-wife. 68 00:03:06,797 --> 00:03:07,787 Oh. 69 00:03:08,767 --> 00:03:11,363 I don't want to see them together. It's like they're rubbing it in my face. 70 00:03:11,439 --> 00:03:14,970 All I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife. 71 00:03:15,046 --> 00:03:17,711 And you imagine he's wearing a cape while he's plowing her? 72 00:03:17,819 --> 00:03:18,844 What? 73 00:03:18,921 --> 00:03:20,355 No, just, Captain Mustache? 74 00:03:20,423 --> 00:03:22,758 I mean, if all you can think of is Ron, you know... 75 00:03:22,829 --> 00:03:25,630 Maybe put him in some tights and a cape, and then it would be funny. 76 00:03:26,435 --> 00:03:28,497 Now I'm imagining a cape. 77 00:03:30,176 --> 00:03:31,235 April? 78 00:03:32,882 --> 00:03:34,214 Did you call me? 79 00:03:34,285 --> 00:03:35,845 I did call you. Good ears. 80 00:03:36,255 --> 00:03:39,455 Chris's assistant went back to Indianapolis, 81 00:03:39,529 --> 00:03:42,933 so he's borrowing me for a few days. 82 00:03:43,637 --> 00:03:44,662 Yay! 83 00:03:44,739 --> 00:03:48,178 I'd like you to get me some more Post-its. I'd like them in multiple colors. 84 00:03:48,246 --> 00:03:49,613 I'd like green. I'd like yellow. 85 00:03:49,683 --> 00:03:51,049 Do not buy orange. 86 00:03:51,452 --> 00:03:53,251 I do not want orange. I have plenty of orange. 87 00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:54,649 Got it. 88 00:03:54,726 --> 00:03:56,559 You want five million orange Post-its. 89 00:03:57,164 --> 00:03:58,189 That's hilarious. 90 00:03:59,703 --> 00:04:03,335 Oh, wait! I have a Post-it for you. 91 00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:06,271 It says, "Great job!" 92 00:04:06,717 --> 00:04:07,742 Mmm... 93 00:04:07,819 --> 00:04:08,809 Great job. Mmm... 94 00:04:09,221 --> 00:04:10,280 There you go. 95 00:04:14,866 --> 00:04:17,770 They're getting really old, and I'm an only child. 96 00:04:18,607 --> 00:04:22,410 I just feel like the right thing to do is to move back home. 97 00:04:23,684 --> 00:04:25,414 I'm sorry to see you go. 98 00:04:26,155 --> 00:04:29,184 I've really come to think of you as 99 00:04:31,132 --> 00:04:32,533 a companion. 100 00:04:34,973 --> 00:04:38,674 Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada? 101 00:04:42,087 --> 00:04:43,613 Canada. 102 00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:47,395 No, I don't suppose I would. 103 00:04:48,132 --> 00:04:50,261 Hey, I hate to nag, 104 00:04:50,336 --> 00:04:51,771 but shouldn't we be talking strategy, 105 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:55,370 like, when to ask the chief for this huge critical favor? 106 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,508 Yes. I know exactly when we should do it. 107 00:04:57,585 --> 00:05:00,614 Post-pizza, pre-ice cream, between his third and fourth beer. 108 00:05:00,691 --> 00:05:02,718 He'll be full but not stuffed, tipsy but not drunk. 109 00:05:02,795 --> 00:05:03,820 Should be around 9:00. 110 00:05:03,897 --> 00:05:05,958 Okay, so you've thought this through. 111 00:05:06,035 --> 00:05:08,301 Just sit tight. I'll get you a beer. 112 00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:11,573 Can I have two beers, please? 113 00:05:12,682 --> 00:05:13,741 Hey, you okay? 114 00:05:14,151 --> 00:05:16,053 Wendy and I are over. 115 00:05:16,122 --> 00:05:17,591 She's moving back to Canada. 116 00:05:18,259 --> 00:05:19,488 It's too bad. 117 00:05:19,562 --> 00:05:22,124 I just taught her how to whittle. 118 00:05:22,768 --> 00:05:25,797 She made me this tiny sharpened stick. 119 00:05:25,875 --> 00:05:28,209 Look, I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends 120 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:30,146 when they get dumped. 121 00:05:30,216 --> 00:05:31,708 Men are dogs. 122 00:05:32,555 --> 00:05:33,989 Thank you, Leslie. 123 00:05:34,592 --> 00:05:36,892 That does not apply to this situation at all. 124 00:05:36,963 --> 00:05:38,990 But thank you. I appreciate it. 125 00:05:39,536 --> 00:05:40,731 This is a disaster. 126 00:05:41,071 --> 00:05:42,096 You're not into football? 127 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,976 I knew there was something wrong with you. 128 00:05:46,081 --> 00:05:47,607 I knew it. I knew it, knew it, knew it. 129 00:05:47,752 --> 00:05:50,450 Honestly, I haven't felt this good in years. 130 00:05:50,791 --> 00:05:53,421 And it's not just because of the supplements he has me taking 131 00:05:53,497 --> 00:05:56,332 and the soluble fiber and the increase in regularity. 132 00:05:56,402 --> 00:05:57,461 It's him. 133 00:05:57,572 --> 00:06:02,013 He's moving back to Indianapolis in a couple of weeks, which sucks. 134 00:06:02,615 --> 00:06:04,812 But if he asked me to move with him, 135 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,051 I think I would. 136 00:06:07,157 --> 00:06:09,093 I would like a local beer. 137 00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:10,321 I'd like it in a bottle. 138 00:06:10,396 --> 00:06:11,865 I'd like the bottle to be cold. 139 00:06:11,933 --> 00:06:14,267 I would like a glass of white wine. 140 00:06:14,338 --> 00:06:15,967 I would like it to be chardonnay. 141 00:06:16,041 --> 00:06:17,236 And I would like that with one ice cube. 142 00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:18,603 Thanks. 143 00:06:20,551 --> 00:06:22,417 Chief Trumple? Hey, Knope. 144 00:06:22,521 --> 00:06:25,083 You know Ben Wyatt from the State Budget Office. 145 00:06:25,159 --> 00:06:26,354 Hello. Yeah, how's it going? 146 00:06:26,428 --> 00:06:27,863 Thanks for the party. Good pizza. 147 00:06:27,932 --> 00:06:31,029 Great. So, yeah, the pizza's dynamite, isn't it? 148 00:06:31,606 --> 00:06:33,097 I just said it was good pizza. 149 00:06:33,409 --> 00:06:35,276 It's good. Pizza's good. 150 00:06:35,748 --> 00:06:36,773 You... 151 00:06:38,452 --> 00:06:40,616 You know what I like? Calzones. 152 00:06:41,926 --> 00:06:43,087 What the hell is wrong with this guy? 153 00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,824 Sorry. We'll check in with you later. 154 00:06:45,166 --> 00:06:46,863 Take it easy. Yeah, will do. 155 00:06:46,936 --> 00:06:49,099 What is wrong with you? I was getting somewhere with that. 156 00:06:49,174 --> 00:06:51,041 Yeah, great small talk over there. Okay, let me handle this. 157 00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:52,910 I get a little nervous with cops. I'm in control. 158 00:06:52,982 --> 00:06:55,384 What's up? 159 00:06:55,788 --> 00:06:57,815 Tom Haverford's in the building. 160 00:06:57,892 --> 00:06:58,917 Whoo! 161 00:06:58,994 --> 00:07:00,691 Tom, what the hell are you doing? 162 00:07:00,764 --> 00:07:02,961 Same thing you're doing, celebrating Pawnee's finest. 163 00:07:03,035 --> 00:07:04,800 I believe you know my date, Tammy Swanson. 164 00:07:04,872 --> 00:07:05,897 Hi-ya, Ron. 165 00:07:06,475 --> 00:07:08,468 Oh. Hi-ya, Ron. Hey, Ron. 166 00:07:08,613 --> 00:07:09,638 I'm sorry. 167 00:07:09,749 --> 00:07:13,587 Is seeing your ex-wife on my arm making you uncomfortable? 168 00:07:13,657 --> 00:07:16,457 Gee, I can't imagine why. Or can I? 169 00:07:16,930 --> 00:07:18,695 I like this song. Do you wanna dance, Tammy? 170 00:07:18,767 --> 00:07:19,757 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 171 00:07:21,171 --> 00:07:22,161 Oh. Ah. 172 00:07:22,742 --> 00:07:24,575 I know Tammy seems scary. 173 00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:27,275 But really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic, 174 00:07:27,350 --> 00:07:30,186 library-book-peddling, sex-crazed she-demon. 175 00:07:32,962 --> 00:07:34,225 Yeah. 176 00:07:34,331 --> 00:07:35,823 I think that's enough. Tammy. 177 00:07:36,936 --> 00:07:38,199 Hi, Ron. 178 00:07:38,272 --> 00:07:41,244 I was just tasting my new boyfriend, Glenn. Tom. 179 00:07:41,311 --> 00:07:43,110 You don't know what you're mixed up in, son. 180 00:07:43,182 --> 00:07:45,414 This isn't about you. It's about me. 181 00:07:45,486 --> 00:07:48,083 Typical Ron Swanson. Always thinking about yourself. 182 00:07:48,159 --> 00:07:50,824 Maybe we like each other. Yeah, maybe we do. 183 00:07:52,267 --> 00:07:54,602 Okay. Let's take it easy. 184 00:07:54,672 --> 00:07:57,040 Tammy, leave him out of this. 185 00:07:57,110 --> 00:08:00,014 So it's okay for you to have a girlfriend, but I'm not supposed to see anybody? 186 00:08:00,082 --> 00:08:01,209 Damn it, woman! 187 00:08:01,318 --> 00:08:03,413 Just crawl back into the dank hole you came from 188 00:08:03,490 --> 00:08:04,788 and leave my friends alone. 189 00:08:05,226 --> 00:08:07,253 Okay, okay. Let's settle down. What seems to be the problem? 190 00:08:07,363 --> 00:08:08,957 What seems to be the problem? Is there a problem here? 191 00:08:09,034 --> 00:08:11,562 Basically what we had here was a dispute of a domestic nature. 192 00:08:11,639 --> 00:08:13,073 White male, 40, 45. 193 00:08:13,142 --> 00:08:15,305 Caucasian male. Stocky build. 194 00:08:15,379 --> 00:08:16,814 Approximately 5'10". 195 00:08:16,883 --> 00:08:19,514 Verbal altercation transpired at approximately 8:55 P.M. 196 00:08:19,589 --> 00:08:20,750 with a female unsub. 197 00:08:20,824 --> 00:08:22,417 Appears to be slightly intoxicated. 198 00:08:22,495 --> 00:08:24,430 Claims to be an ex-spouse. 199 00:08:24,499 --> 00:08:25,762 Real piece of work. 200 00:08:25,834 --> 00:08:27,268 Real piece of work. Real piece of work. 201 00:08:27,337 --> 00:08:28,829 Real piece of work. 202 00:08:28,907 --> 00:08:31,504 I know why you're doing this, and you're making a huge mistake. 203 00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:34,379 Fight fire with fire, Leslie. He dates my ex, I date his. 204 00:08:34,451 --> 00:08:37,947 Ron and Wendy aren't even dating anymore. She's moving back to Canada. 205 00:08:38,025 --> 00:08:39,688 What? Oh, God. 206 00:08:39,762 --> 00:08:40,923 Okay, hey. What's happening here? 207 00:08:41,465 --> 00:08:44,768 Ron and I are going to get a cup of coffee and talk things out. 208 00:08:44,839 --> 00:08:49,246 It's time for Tammy and me to bury the hatchet once and for all. 209 00:08:49,549 --> 00:08:51,415 Everything will be fine. 210 00:08:57,731 --> 00:09:00,031 It's been like this for hours. 211 00:09:01,204 --> 00:09:02,798 Right there. Right there. Yeah. Yeah. 212 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,309 Hey, Swanson! 213 00:09:05,479 --> 00:09:06,539 Snap out of it! 214 00:09:07,183 --> 00:09:08,173 Leslie. 215 00:09:08,853 --> 00:09:10,082 Congratulate us. 216 00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:13,760 Ron's got one just like it on his penis. 217 00:09:14,297 --> 00:09:15,664 Oh, yeah. 218 00:09:15,734 --> 00:09:17,362 What the hell happened to you? 219 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:19,733 Well... 220 00:09:29,495 --> 00:09:30,588 Here you go. 221 00:09:32,768 --> 00:09:34,965 Rock and roll! Yeah, baby! 222 00:09:35,039 --> 00:09:36,234 I got it! 223 00:09:36,308 --> 00:09:37,538 You may now kiss the bride. 224 00:09:48,098 --> 00:09:50,330 It's been kind of a crazy night. 225 00:09:50,570 --> 00:09:51,765 Come back, come back. 226 00:09:54,077 --> 00:09:55,808 April, could you come in here a second? 227 00:09:56,716 --> 00:09:58,845 April, way to come in. Great initiative. 228 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:00,445 You called me in. 229 00:10:00,524 --> 00:10:02,322 Listen, could you please call Ann Perkins 230 00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,762 and tell her that I will be unable to enjoy lunch with her today, 231 00:10:04,832 --> 00:10:07,200 as I am just swamped. All day. 232 00:10:08,072 --> 00:10:09,335 Copy that. 233 00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:12,738 Hi, Ann. This is April. 234 00:10:12,815 --> 00:10:16,915 I'm just calling to let you know that Chris can't make lunch today. 235 00:10:16,989 --> 00:10:19,323 I knew you wouldn't care. Good-bye. 236 00:10:20,262 --> 00:10:23,132 They started having sex at the court house. We had no choice. 237 00:10:23,202 --> 00:10:24,967 Oh, well, I completely understand. 238 00:10:25,473 --> 00:10:27,340 Chief, I need to ask you a huge favor. 239 00:10:27,410 --> 00:10:28,435 Leslie. 240 00:10:28,513 --> 00:10:30,038 Ron is a good man 241 00:10:30,149 --> 00:10:32,278 who just got caught up in something terrible. 242 00:10:32,353 --> 00:10:34,118 And I was hoping that maybe you would 243 00:10:34,190 --> 00:10:36,821 reduce his charges and release him into my custody. 244 00:10:37,831 --> 00:10:39,197 All right. 245 00:10:39,434 --> 00:10:41,632 But keep him away from that crazy librarian. 246 00:10:41,706 --> 00:10:42,901 I'll do my best. 247 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:45,947 In fact, I don't want him within 500 feet of the library. 248 00:10:46,481 --> 00:10:48,144 That's good advice for all of us. 249 00:10:48,218 --> 00:10:49,243 Nothing but trouble there. 250 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,087 Thanks a lot, bro. Sorry. Hey, stop. 251 00:10:55,634 --> 00:10:58,504 Take me back to Tammy. For the millionth time, no. 252 00:10:58,573 --> 00:11:00,736 That was not the favor we needed to ask for, Leslie. 253 00:11:00,844 --> 00:11:03,212 If we don't get the police for the Harvest Festival, 254 00:11:03,315 --> 00:11:04,682 there is no Harvest Festival. 255 00:11:04,752 --> 00:11:06,551 I know. I'll figure it out later. 256 00:11:06,622 --> 00:11:08,922 Can you turn the radio off? This is our song. 257 00:11:09,628 --> 00:11:12,428 Your song is Dancing on the Ceiling by Lionel Richie? 258 00:11:13,335 --> 00:11:17,173 Oh, wow, look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That's lovely. 259 00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:20,181 I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off. 260 00:11:20,884 --> 00:11:22,182 From friction. 261 00:11:22,253 --> 00:11:23,243 Ugh. 262 00:11:23,322 --> 00:11:25,623 Ugh. Ugh. 263 00:11:25,861 --> 00:11:28,058 Ron Swanson, this is an intervention. 264 00:11:28,131 --> 00:11:32,937 You have been spending the last 24 hours sipping on joy juice and tripping on Tammy. 265 00:11:33,008 --> 00:11:35,536 Well, the people in this room are your methadone. 266 00:11:35,614 --> 00:11:37,048 And we're here to get you clean. 267 00:11:37,116 --> 00:11:39,177 Congratulations! 268 00:11:39,855 --> 00:11:42,850 Holy matrimony, there's the man of the hour. 269 00:11:43,128 --> 00:11:45,030 Jerry, what is this? 270 00:11:45,099 --> 00:11:47,662 That is the set of tumblers that I got from the registry. 271 00:11:47,738 --> 00:11:49,070 This is an intervention. 272 00:11:49,140 --> 00:11:52,078 I thought you said on the phone it was a reception. 273 00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:54,173 Okay. All right, let's begin. 274 00:11:54,250 --> 00:11:57,051 I would like to address the goofy-Iooking, 275 00:11:57,123 --> 00:12:00,186 dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. 276 00:12:00,730 --> 00:12:04,636 If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message? 277 00:12:05,239 --> 00:12:07,368 You used to be a man. 278 00:12:07,443 --> 00:12:09,174 You need to get your house in order. 279 00:12:09,548 --> 00:12:11,380 Look, I love you like a brother, 280 00:12:11,451 --> 00:12:15,084 but right now, I hate you like my actual brother, LeVondrious, 281 00:12:15,159 --> 00:12:16,218 who I hate. 282 00:12:17,463 --> 00:12:18,488 Okay, Tom. 283 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,361 Ron, you look great. 284 00:12:20,436 --> 00:12:22,463 Your skin is glowing. I've never seen you so happy. 285 00:12:22,541 --> 00:12:23,736 Okay, sit down. 286 00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:26,037 Andy. 287 00:12:27,383 --> 00:12:32,121 Ron, I do not really understand what is going on right now. 288 00:12:32,894 --> 00:12:36,162 But no matter what, 289 00:12:37,370 --> 00:12:39,933 you must keep going. 290 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,136 No. 291 00:12:41,211 --> 00:12:43,614 You must stop. 292 00:12:44,384 --> 00:12:45,978 I love you, buddy. 293 00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:48,018 Follow your dreams. 294 00:12:49,828 --> 00:12:50,887 Powerful stuff. 295 00:12:53,536 --> 00:12:56,063 April? What are you doing here? 296 00:12:56,207 --> 00:12:59,043 I work for your boyfriend. What are you doing here? 297 00:12:59,247 --> 00:13:01,741 I came to see why Chris stood me up for lunch, 298 00:13:01,819 --> 00:13:03,151 but I think I just figured it out. 299 00:13:03,221 --> 00:13:05,920 Because he doesn't like you. No, I'm pretty sure that's not it. 300 00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:09,228 Actually it's because I didn't call you deliberately. 301 00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:11,601 Which, if you ask me, is a fire-able offense. 302 00:13:11,672 --> 00:13:12,935 So I would tell him that. 303 00:13:13,576 --> 00:13:15,603 Also, he's not into you sexually. 304 00:13:16,549 --> 00:13:21,013 Ann Perkins. April Ludgate. Literally two of my favorite people on earth. 305 00:13:21,224 --> 00:13:23,091 I'm sorry that I had to cancel lunch. 306 00:13:23,161 --> 00:13:24,687 Not at all. It's not a problem. 307 00:13:24,765 --> 00:13:29,103 April here was very apologetic on the phone. She also sent me flowers. 308 00:13:29,741 --> 00:13:31,711 April. Nice touch. 309 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,752 Hello, Ron. It's Ron. 310 00:13:38,693 --> 00:13:41,494 If you're watching this, it means that once again 311 00:13:41,565 --> 00:13:43,431 you have danced with the devil. 312 00:13:43,836 --> 00:13:48,744 Right now, you're probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." 313 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,341 But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite 314 00:13:52,821 --> 00:13:56,955 who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. 315 00:13:57,396 --> 00:13:58,922 So you have two choices. 316 00:13:59,267 --> 00:14:01,260 One, get rid of Tammy, 317 00:14:01,639 --> 00:14:04,668 or two, lobotomy and castration. 318 00:14:05,379 --> 00:14:06,507 Choose wisely. 319 00:14:07,049 --> 00:14:08,609 You stupid. 320 00:14:10,189 --> 00:14:11,954 This is a waste of time. 321 00:14:12,092 --> 00:14:15,223 You people have no idea what you're talking about. 322 00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:18,501 That was you on the tape. That was you talking. 323 00:14:18,773 --> 00:14:20,435 Ron? Ron! 324 00:14:20,510 --> 00:14:23,812 Ron. There you are. 325 00:14:26,822 --> 00:14:29,292 Ron. Stop it. God, please. 326 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:32,059 Ron, don't do that. Oh, it's done, Leslie. 327 00:14:32,867 --> 00:14:36,602 Tammy and I are in love, and we're gonna start a family together. 328 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,736 In fact, she's ovulating. 329 00:14:38,813 --> 00:14:42,274 So if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon. 330 00:14:42,353 --> 00:14:44,984 Wow. Where are you going? Jerry. 331 00:14:45,125 --> 00:14:48,530 We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods. 332 00:14:48,599 --> 00:14:53,233 We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40-pound bag of peanuts for energy. 333 00:14:53,341 --> 00:14:54,640 Oh, God. - Give me it. 334 00:14:57,383 --> 00:14:58,909 Okay. Excuse me. 335 00:14:59,721 --> 00:15:01,691 Oh, yeah. Oh, God. 336 00:15:03,729 --> 00:15:05,129 Ann and I are headed out 337 00:15:05,198 --> 00:15:08,136 and I just wanted to thank you for everything today, 338 00:15:08,204 --> 00:15:09,503 and I will see you tomorrow. 339 00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:11,773 Hi, Chris. 340 00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:16,516 Ron Swanson has sent me over to deliver to you this document. 341 00:15:18,058 --> 00:15:20,187 "To whom it may concern, dear Chris, 342 00:15:21,064 --> 00:15:23,398 "there is an emergency regarding the Parks Department, 343 00:15:23,468 --> 00:15:26,440 "and April may just be the only person who can help. 344 00:15:27,142 --> 00:15:30,478 "I can't get into details because it's super-classified. 345 00:15:30,550 --> 00:15:32,451 "Please release April back to us permanently. 346 00:15:33,388 --> 00:15:34,413 "God bless America. 347 00:15:35,125 --> 00:15:37,790 "Love, Bert Macklin, FBI." 348 00:15:38,966 --> 00:15:41,563 What? Okay. Well, bye. 349 00:15:41,638 --> 00:15:42,867 April, listen. 350 00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:45,878 If you don't want to work for me, I'm not gonna force you. 351 00:15:45,947 --> 00:15:47,438 You didn't have to do this. 352 00:15:47,517 --> 00:15:48,542 She didn't do that. That was... 353 00:15:48,619 --> 00:15:50,281 Dude, I think it sounds like it was Macklin's call. 354 00:15:50,757 --> 00:15:51,918 Look, I get it. 355 00:15:52,393 --> 00:15:55,126 You're young, and trying isn't cool. 356 00:15:55,332 --> 00:15:56,425 But I think you're smart. 357 00:15:57,136 --> 00:15:59,163 I'm gonna be going back to Indianapolis soon, 358 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,677 and I think you should come work for me. 359 00:16:02,012 --> 00:16:04,643 Wow, move all the way to Indianapolis, 360 00:16:04,718 --> 00:16:07,211 so I can pick up your vitamins and supplements. 361 00:16:07,957 --> 00:16:09,289 Everybody starts somewhere. 362 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,822 You'll travel, and you will meet interesting people. 363 00:16:13,602 --> 00:16:14,763 Think about it. 364 00:16:15,606 --> 00:16:16,869 Okay. I will. 365 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:22,384 Apparently he wants April to move to Indianapolis with him. 366 00:16:23,522 --> 00:16:25,115 So that's something. 367 00:16:28,364 --> 00:16:29,492 I hope you're happy. 368 00:16:30,235 --> 00:16:33,036 Look, I just wanted to show him what it felt like 369 00:16:33,107 --> 00:16:35,738 to have your ex-wife date someone you know. 370 00:16:35,813 --> 00:16:38,079 Whatever happened after that is not my fault. 371 00:16:38,151 --> 00:16:39,244 Yes, it is. 372 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:43,283 Tom, you did a really crappy thing, and I think deep down, you know that. 373 00:16:43,729 --> 00:16:46,701 Whatever happens to Ron Swanson is on you. 374 00:16:53,381 --> 00:16:55,442 Excuse me, chief. Sorry to interrupt. 375 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:57,011 Hey, calzone boy, what's up? 376 00:16:58,091 --> 00:17:01,427 Well, here's hoping that that nickname doesn't stick. Right? 377 00:17:03,869 --> 00:17:06,135 But that's not why I'm here. 378 00:17:06,307 --> 00:17:09,245 Leslie Knope asked you for a favor the other day, 379 00:17:09,313 --> 00:17:10,805 but the real favor we need is much bigger. 380 00:17:11,317 --> 00:17:13,378 You mean, like calzone size? 381 00:17:13,522 --> 00:17:14,512 Ah! 382 00:17:15,626 --> 00:17:17,117 Sure. 383 00:17:17,462 --> 00:17:20,025 We need the Pawnee police force to volunteer as security 384 00:17:20,101 --> 00:17:22,538 during the upcoming Harvest Festival. 385 00:17:22,607 --> 00:17:24,509 Now, the city won't let us throw the festival unless... 386 00:17:24,578 --> 00:17:26,137 Say no more. 387 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,582 Just send me a schedule of how many officers you need and when. 388 00:17:29,588 --> 00:17:30,783 Really? Just like that? 389 00:17:30,856 --> 00:17:33,349 Leslie Knope gets as many favors as she needs. 390 00:17:34,196 --> 00:17:35,323 Can I ask why? 391 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,498 Because she's the kind of a person who uses favors to help other people. 392 00:17:40,308 --> 00:17:43,144 And also, my buddy Dave was the crankiest bastard in the department 393 00:17:43,214 --> 00:17:44,239 till he started dating Leslie. 394 00:17:45,218 --> 00:17:46,481 So she... 395 00:17:47,624 --> 00:17:49,753 Okay. Are they still dating or... 396 00:17:50,362 --> 00:17:53,334 No. Moved to San Diego a year ago. 397 00:17:55,238 --> 00:17:56,673 Was it a serious thing, or... 398 00:17:57,977 --> 00:18:00,540 What do you care? You a pervert? Nope, nope. I'm all good. 399 00:18:01,050 --> 00:18:03,247 Everything's fine. This is fine. 400 00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:07,890 Don't think I won't do it. I'll wear this to work. 401 00:18:10,368 --> 00:18:12,669 All right, one more. What's in here, huh? 402 00:18:14,109 --> 00:18:15,840 A new library card? 403 00:18:15,913 --> 00:18:19,010 Read the name. "Tammy Swanson Swanson." 404 00:18:19,788 --> 00:18:21,917 You guys, that's amazing. 405 00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:26,263 Well, you about ready to go, my love? 406 00:18:26,333 --> 00:18:28,462 Yeah. Wait, wait, Ron! Stop! 407 00:18:28,539 --> 00:18:30,201 Tom? Jerry, what the hell? 408 00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:33,010 Don't do it. She doesn't love you. 409 00:18:33,649 --> 00:18:35,983 You don't know what you're talking about. What are you doing here? 410 00:18:36,053 --> 00:18:38,182 Yes, I do, okay? 411 00:18:38,458 --> 00:18:40,827 When I asked her to be my date, she cackled for a full minute 412 00:18:40,896 --> 00:18:42,866 and said, and I quote, 413 00:18:43,569 --> 00:18:45,869 "Anything to make Ron miserable." 414 00:18:47,142 --> 00:18:49,203 It's not real, man. She's just messing with you. 415 00:18:49,279 --> 00:18:51,876 He's lying, Ron. Stay out of this, Glenn. 416 00:18:51,952 --> 00:18:53,819 It's Tom! And I'm not lying. 417 00:18:54,123 --> 00:18:56,150 I'm not gonna let you destroy Ron. You're just gonna have to... 418 00:18:56,327 --> 00:18:57,317 Ow! 419 00:18:57,429 --> 00:18:58,419 Ow! 420 00:18:59,768 --> 00:19:01,533 He's attacking me, Ron! Kill him! 421 00:19:10,756 --> 00:19:12,885 Yeah! Do your worst, Glenn! 422 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,451 You're gonna have to do better than that. 423 00:19:18,137 --> 00:19:20,904 Why are you hitting yourself, Glenn? Stop hitting yourself. 424 00:19:20,976 --> 00:19:22,741 Tammy, that's enough! 425 00:19:22,814 --> 00:19:23,907 What? 426 00:19:24,349 --> 00:19:25,716 Hey, baby. 427 00:19:26,721 --> 00:19:27,984 You almost had me. 428 00:19:28,892 --> 00:19:30,155 Again. 429 00:19:30,395 --> 00:19:34,165 But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenseless little man... 430 00:19:34,269 --> 00:19:35,294 Hey. 431 00:19:35,371 --> 00:19:37,000 reminded me what kind of a monster you are. 432 00:19:37,175 --> 00:19:38,701 You're a joke. 433 00:19:38,779 --> 00:19:40,681 You're not even a man anymore. 434 00:19:40,749 --> 00:19:44,587 Oh, and by the way, last night, I faked four out of the seven. 435 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:47,590 So did I. 436 00:19:48,532 --> 00:19:49,625 Let's go, son. 437 00:19:56,882 --> 00:19:58,043 Hey. Hey. 438 00:19:58,117 --> 00:19:59,380 Sorry about the whole mess. 439 00:19:59,486 --> 00:20:03,221 The crisis has been averted, so let's go talk to the chief. 440 00:20:03,294 --> 00:20:04,455 I already talked to him. 441 00:20:04,564 --> 00:20:06,362 They'll give us the hours we need, no problem. 442 00:20:07,068 --> 00:20:09,004 Great. What a relief. Yeah. 443 00:20:10,943 --> 00:20:13,413 Hey, are you hungry? I haven't eaten. You know, yeah. 444 00:20:13,515 --> 00:20:16,418 There's a really great calzone place over in "Idiotville." 445 00:20:16,487 --> 00:20:18,583 Oh, really? Down on "Terrible Idea Avenue." 446 00:20:18,659 --> 00:20:19,718 Okay. That's weird. 447 00:20:19,794 --> 00:20:22,698 'Cause I thought it was on" Beating-a-Dead-Horse Boulevard." 448 00:20:24,303 --> 00:20:25,636 Calzones are pointless. 449 00:20:26,340 --> 00:20:27,775 They're just pizza that's harder to eat. 450 00:20:28,779 --> 00:20:30,111 No one likes them. 451 00:20:30,348 --> 00:20:31,407 Good day, sir. 452 00:20:31,818 --> 00:20:33,617 Leslie, I... You know, I... 453 00:20:34,724 --> 00:20:36,090 I'm just kidding. Let's go. 454 00:20:37,697 --> 00:20:39,393 Okay. That was funny. 455 00:20:43,174 --> 00:20:44,301 High and tight. 456 00:20:46,180 --> 00:20:47,513 Do you think it's gonna leave a scar? 457 00:20:47,850 --> 00:20:49,250 Tom, women like scars. 458 00:20:49,486 --> 00:20:51,046 Shows you survived an attack, 459 00:20:51,691 --> 00:20:54,093 and they'll assume the attack was from a man. 460 00:20:55,532 --> 00:20:57,194 Sorry, Ron, about everything. 461 00:20:59,373 --> 00:21:01,936 To true love. May we both find it. 462 00:21:02,012 --> 00:21:03,743 I'll drink to that. 463 00:21:05,652 --> 00:21:06,711 Nice glasses. 464 00:21:07,188 --> 00:21:08,521 Wedding present from Jerry. 465 00:21:08,859 --> 00:21:09,849 You're not gonna return them? 466 00:21:10,328 --> 00:21:12,025 Nah, too much hassle.