1 00:00:05,902 --> 00:00:08,873 I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster. 2 00:00:08,974 --> 00:00:12,777 An old Underwood 5 with original carriage return. 3 00:00:14,685 --> 00:00:18,386 Took her home, polished her up and bought a brand new ribbon 4 00:00:18,459 --> 00:00:20,486 off of electronicbay. Com. 5 00:00:21,699 --> 00:00:23,692 Okay, somebody has got to do something. 6 00:00:23,770 --> 00:00:25,603 I'm getting a cluster headache. 7 00:00:26,742 --> 00:00:28,336 He's leaving. 8 00:00:28,713 --> 00:00:29,703 Let's go. 9 00:00:29,782 --> 00:00:31,581 I've got to throw it away. 10 00:00:32,454 --> 00:00:34,447 No, I'm not. It weighs a billion tons. 11 00:00:34,525 --> 00:00:35,686 What is he typing, anyway? 12 00:00:36,028 --> 00:00:39,797 "If you sons of bitches try to remove this typewriter, I'll kill you." 13 00:00:42,007 --> 00:00:44,341 I'm going to type every word I know! 14 00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:48,809 Rectangle. America. 15 00:00:49,288 --> 00:00:51,987 Megaphone. Monday. 16 00:00:53,529 --> 00:00:54,519 Butthole. 17 00:01:15,373 --> 00:01:17,605 Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, 18 00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:20,443 but these interviews are more important than we thought. 19 00:01:20,884 --> 00:01:22,786 Harvest Fest is two weeks away, 20 00:01:22,854 --> 00:01:25,121 and awareness is still pretty low. 21 00:01:25,260 --> 00:01:28,323 Boy, 35%? It's actually 34.2%. 22 00:01:28,499 --> 00:01:31,437 "34.2%." I'm Ben, the numbers robot. 23 00:01:31,505 --> 00:01:33,441 It's just an exact calculation. 24 00:01:33,509 --> 00:01:35,741 "It's just an exact calculation." All right. 25 00:01:36,048 --> 00:01:39,384 So, we're doing a huge media blitz to publicize the Harvest Festival, 26 00:01:39,455 --> 00:01:42,393 and we've got TV, newspaper, radio... 27 00:01:42,461 --> 00:01:45,331 And I even called Oprah. 28 00:01:46,335 --> 00:01:48,862 Well, I tried to call Oprah. I couldn't get her number. 29 00:01:49,007 --> 00:01:50,669 I'm putting it out there, like The Secret. 30 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:54,179 And hopefully, she'll call me. 31 00:01:54,785 --> 00:01:58,555 Our first interview is at 93.7 F.M. with Crazy Ira and The Douche. 32 00:01:58,726 --> 00:02:01,425 Crazy Ira and... The Douche. 33 00:02:01,499 --> 00:02:04,232 They are Pawnee's most hilarious drive time radio guys. 34 00:02:04,404 --> 00:02:06,772 So much better than Tubby Tony and the Papaya. Am I right? 35 00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:08,602 They're seriously so funny. 36 00:02:08,914 --> 00:02:10,177 Is this right? 37 00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:11,843 This feels almost perfect, 38 00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:14,915 but I don't think your core has maximized elasticity. 39 00:02:15,293 --> 00:02:18,459 Okay. I'll come back, if you guys are being weird. 40 00:02:18,533 --> 00:02:19,558 No, no, no, no, no. 41 00:02:19,635 --> 00:02:22,607 You're exactly the person that I most want to talk to, right at this moment. 42 00:02:22,942 --> 00:02:24,240 And lunge. 43 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,508 Have you given my offer any more thought? 44 00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:29,482 What exactly would happen if I said yes? 45 00:02:29,956 --> 00:02:31,481 Well, you would work at the state house. 46 00:02:31,659 --> 00:02:34,062 You would coordinate my professional and personal schedule, 47 00:02:34,264 --> 00:02:37,065 and we would give you a small relocation fee for your move to Indianapolis. 48 00:02:37,304 --> 00:02:38,602 That sounds boring. 49 00:02:39,641 --> 00:02:41,942 But I have nothing keeping me here. 50 00:02:42,414 --> 00:02:44,475 Do you have Internet in your office? Yes. 51 00:02:46,455 --> 00:02:47,445 Fine, I'll do it. 52 00:02:47,524 --> 00:02:50,428 That is literally the best news that I've heard all day. 53 00:02:50,663 --> 00:02:53,533 Unlike April, I still do not know 54 00:02:53,603 --> 00:02:55,573 what my future holds with Chris. 55 00:02:56,609 --> 00:02:58,602 And it's starting to bum me out. 56 00:02:59,815 --> 00:03:02,412 I need some more vitamin D. Yeah. 57 00:03:03,522 --> 00:03:06,085 Hey. Crazy. What was that meeting about? 58 00:03:06,295 --> 00:03:08,288 It turns out Chris is my real dad. 59 00:03:09,368 --> 00:03:10,563 I think you're lying. 60 00:03:10,637 --> 00:03:12,004 I think I know what that meeting was about. 61 00:03:12,073 --> 00:03:13,632 You can't go to Indianapolis. 62 00:03:13,843 --> 00:03:15,107 There's got to be something that I can do 63 00:03:15,179 --> 00:03:16,910 to convince you how much I care about you. 64 00:03:19,321 --> 00:03:21,450 Tell me your least favorite things you have to do every day, 65 00:03:21,525 --> 00:03:23,461 and I'll do them for a month. Fine. 66 00:03:23,863 --> 00:03:26,061 If you do everything I hate for a month, 67 00:03:26,268 --> 00:03:28,967 then I might begin to think about the possibility 68 00:03:29,174 --> 00:03:32,544 of thinking about maybe staying. 69 00:03:33,015 --> 00:03:35,042 That's all I have to hear. 70 00:03:35,687 --> 00:03:37,623 You won't live to regret this. 71 00:03:37,691 --> 00:03:41,529 Unless Andy can un-kiss Ann, 72 00:03:41,598 --> 00:03:43,568 then I'm not going to change my mind. 73 00:03:44,571 --> 00:03:47,270 But if he wants to take my dumb sister to her dumb dance class, 74 00:03:47,344 --> 00:03:50,111 then I'm not going to dumb stop him. 75 00:03:51,585 --> 00:03:54,455 Crazy Ira and The Douche, 93.7. 76 00:03:54,524 --> 00:03:56,824 You know why I'd never be an astronaut? 77 00:03:57,097 --> 00:03:59,795 Two words. Space farts. 78 00:04:00,336 --> 00:04:03,672 You can't roll down the window of the shuttle. Am I right, folks? 79 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,941 Houston, we have a... 80 00:04:06,014 --> 00:04:07,710 What do you think about that, Neil Armstrong? 81 00:04:07,817 --> 00:04:09,947 That's one smallfor man, 82 00:04:10,022 --> 00:04:12,117 one giantfor mankind. 83 00:04:14,331 --> 00:04:16,130 All right. Switching gears here now. 84 00:04:16,201 --> 00:04:21,166 We've got Leslie Knope and Tom "Haverfart" and Ben Wyatt. 85 00:04:21,245 --> 00:04:23,681 And they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming event 86 00:04:23,883 --> 00:04:25,580 called the Harvest Festival. 87 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:27,747 Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, 88 00:04:27,824 --> 00:04:30,125 and it's where fun meets awesome. 89 00:04:31,632 --> 00:04:32,999 Meets agriculture. 90 00:04:33,068 --> 00:04:35,904 And it is going to be next month, right here in Pawnee. 91 00:04:35,974 --> 00:04:39,105 And spoiler alert, it's going to have the best corn maze ever. 92 00:04:39,314 --> 00:04:41,807 You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you, Douche? 93 00:04:41,885 --> 00:04:43,149 That's right. To your mom. 94 00:04:45,159 --> 00:04:47,652 Crazy Ira! Clean your room! 95 00:04:47,932 --> 00:04:50,425 There's also going to be hay rides. "Hey, ride me," 96 00:04:50,503 --> 00:04:52,496 is what Crazy Ira's mom said. 97 00:04:52,674 --> 00:04:53,801 Stop it! 98 00:04:55,813 --> 00:04:57,339 China Joe, you are a poet. 99 00:05:00,056 --> 00:05:02,856 My bird is missing. I need a permit to post signs. 100 00:05:03,329 --> 00:05:05,492 Let me just look for that form. 101 00:05:05,566 --> 00:05:07,969 There's no time! He can fly! 102 00:05:08,472 --> 00:05:10,169 Nine things April hates to do. 103 00:05:10,276 --> 00:05:12,872 Number one, run the permits desk for an hour. 104 00:05:12,948 --> 00:05:13,938 That's no problem. 105 00:05:14,017 --> 00:05:16,351 I eat "running the permits desk for an hour" for breakfast. 106 00:05:16,655 --> 00:05:18,716 Ow. That's... Ow. 107 00:05:18,792 --> 00:05:20,056 Henry. Stop it. Great. Ow. 108 00:05:20,429 --> 00:05:22,558 Okay, Henry. Cute kid. 109 00:05:23,168 --> 00:05:24,397 Andy. 110 00:05:25,273 --> 00:05:26,673 Got a sec? Yeah. 111 00:05:27,377 --> 00:05:28,538 Henry. 112 00:05:29,214 --> 00:05:31,184 Why are you working the permits desk, 113 00:05:31,251 --> 00:05:34,246 and why was that child clubbing your nuggets? 114 00:05:34,391 --> 00:05:38,092 I'm trying to stop April from taking a job with Chris, 115 00:05:38,165 --> 00:05:41,467 so I'm doing everything she hates doing for the next month. 116 00:05:41,705 --> 00:05:43,402 That's going to work? 117 00:05:43,475 --> 00:05:44,465 She said it might. 118 00:05:44,979 --> 00:05:46,675 But it's all I've got, man. 119 00:05:48,385 --> 00:05:50,982 Give me the list. I'll help you. 120 00:05:51,525 --> 00:05:53,518 Oh, my God. Thank you. 121 00:05:56,802 --> 00:05:57,792 You got it. 122 00:05:57,870 --> 00:06:00,239 No, I don't care about their relationship. 123 00:06:00,343 --> 00:06:02,711 I just don't want to lose April. 124 00:06:03,115 --> 00:06:06,485 I would never be able to find a worse assistant. 125 00:06:07,290 --> 00:06:08,690 Okay. Thanks, Leslie. 126 00:06:08,759 --> 00:06:11,287 But you know, what we really want to do today 127 00:06:11,365 --> 00:06:14,896 is have a chat with Ben Wyatt, here. 128 00:06:14,972 --> 00:06:16,304 Come on, Ben. Come on, Ben. 129 00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:18,641 I'm more of a behind-the-scenes kind of guy. 130 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,013 Well, it's either come with us or get in the spank chair. 131 00:06:21,118 --> 00:06:24,318 So, maybe it's time for an interview. Come on, everybody, give him a hand. 132 00:06:24,391 --> 00:06:27,488 Come on! Come on over, Ben. Yeah. 133 00:06:27,563 --> 00:06:31,902 So, this guy, Ben Wyatt... We're looking him up on AltaVista. 134 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:36,437 He's from some hick town, Partridge, Minnesota. 135 00:06:36,648 --> 00:06:41,022 And when he's 18, he's elected mayor. 136 00:06:49,507 --> 00:06:51,170 That's funny. That's funny. 137 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,476 Yeah, he's 18, becomes the mayor, 138 00:06:53,649 --> 00:06:57,214 and then blows the whole budget on an ice skating rink. 139 00:06:57,323 --> 00:06:59,156 City goes bankrupt. Joke! 140 00:06:59,929 --> 00:07:00,954 Get out of there! 141 00:07:01,031 --> 00:07:03,729 What did you call it again, bro? What was it called? 142 00:07:04,704 --> 00:07:05,729 Say it. 143 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:06,865 Ice Town. 144 00:07:09,214 --> 00:07:14,282 I was a kid. And when you... 145 00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:17,794 You end up getting out there and there's a... 146 00:07:17,898 --> 00:07:20,232 I really wish you guys could see this guy right now. 147 00:07:20,302 --> 00:07:22,204 He is drenched in sweat. 148 00:07:22,273 --> 00:07:25,143 There's also going to be ponies at the Harvest Festival. 149 00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:28,207 All right. Let's take a caller from Douche Nation. 150 00:07:28,418 --> 00:07:29,910 All right. Talk to me, caller. 151 00:07:30,022 --> 00:07:32,151 What's up, guys? Just douching over here in Eagleton. 152 00:07:32,226 --> 00:07:33,251 Sweet. 153 00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:36,061 Seems like 18 is pretty young for a mayor. 154 00:07:36,134 --> 00:07:37,432 What were you, like, 12? 155 00:07:38,872 --> 00:07:41,639 The funny... When... 156 00:07:42,547 --> 00:07:43,537 I guess... 157 00:07:45,820 --> 00:07:47,722 The fortunate... 158 00:07:48,058 --> 00:07:50,494 Can we just, sort of... 159 00:07:52,466 --> 00:07:54,595 Game over, man. Game over. 160 00:07:55,974 --> 00:07:58,206 Nice job, man. Was that your first time talking to other people? 161 00:07:58,378 --> 00:07:59,607 Because it came off that way. 162 00:07:59,814 --> 00:08:01,147 You embarrassed me in front of The Douche. 163 00:08:01,218 --> 00:08:02,345 I'm sorry, you guys. I just... 164 00:08:02,420 --> 00:08:05,586 I haven't had to deal with that mayor stuff for 17 years. 165 00:08:05,659 --> 00:08:06,786 I guess I'm not totally over it. 166 00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:09,026 No worries. Look, it was just a bump in the road. 167 00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:11,002 Okay. Fortunately, the Leslie-mobile 168 00:08:11,071 --> 00:08:12,266 is an all-terrain vehicle. 169 00:08:12,941 --> 00:08:14,637 So, everything involving Ben is fine. 170 00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:17,980 I just need to talk to you in private about something different 171 00:08:18,051 --> 00:08:19,417 that is not Ben-related. 172 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:20,510 Ben, good job. 173 00:08:21,591 --> 00:08:22,924 Your boy's a nightmare. 174 00:08:22,995 --> 00:08:24,827 I know, but we need him. 175 00:08:25,299 --> 00:08:27,701 If they ask us about the budget, he's our numbers guy. 176 00:08:27,770 --> 00:08:30,003 Well, we should just slap a pair of Ray-Bans on a calculator, 177 00:08:30,075 --> 00:08:31,373 because that would be way more charming. 178 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:35,214 I'll do the newspaper interview. You and Ben do Channel Four. 179 00:08:35,319 --> 00:08:37,687 Perd Hapley is a big softie. It'll be a puff piece. 180 00:08:37,757 --> 00:08:38,747 He can do it. 181 00:08:38,859 --> 00:08:40,522 So, how are you liking Pawnee? 182 00:08:40,863 --> 00:08:42,993 There are a lot of cars. 183 00:08:43,201 --> 00:08:44,396 I mean, not too many. 184 00:08:45,472 --> 00:08:48,968 Trucks and stuff. But, you know... 185 00:08:50,316 --> 00:08:53,550 Cool. Good talk, Ice Town. Okay. 186 00:08:56,963 --> 00:08:59,958 Wow. Who knew that watercress, garbanzo beans and walnuts 187 00:09:00,035 --> 00:09:01,435 could complement each other so well? 188 00:09:01,771 --> 00:09:03,297 Good dressing, too, right? 189 00:09:03,642 --> 00:09:07,377 Flaxseed and agave. Same basic ingredients as bird feed. 190 00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:10,619 I'm just going to come right out and say it. 191 00:09:13,328 --> 00:09:14,523 I want to define your bagua. 192 00:09:15,265 --> 00:09:16,928 Okay. What's that? 193 00:09:17,103 --> 00:09:18,332 It's a feng shui term. 194 00:09:18,672 --> 00:09:21,701 The energy in this house is a little stale. 195 00:09:22,079 --> 00:09:26,213 But I think I can redefine your flow in a very positive way. 196 00:09:27,056 --> 00:09:30,517 Great. I'm not really attached to the way this stuff is arranged. 197 00:09:31,197 --> 00:09:32,688 Or the stuff itself. 198 00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:34,234 Or this house, even, really. 199 00:09:34,303 --> 00:09:35,828 Great, let's do it. 200 00:09:36,274 --> 00:09:38,836 Am I not being obvious enough? 201 00:09:38,913 --> 00:09:40,472 I feel like I'm being obvious. 202 00:09:41,251 --> 00:09:44,883 This just in. Harvest Festival more like "Harvest Bestival." 203 00:09:44,958 --> 00:09:46,517 The Parks Department has planted the seeds, 204 00:09:46,594 --> 00:09:48,655 and now, they're harvesting the rewards. 205 00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:49,890 Great. You done? 206 00:09:49,968 --> 00:09:53,270 They'll put the fun in funnel cake. Okay. Now, I'm done. 207 00:09:53,442 --> 00:09:55,412 Tell me about Ben Wyatt. Sure. 208 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:56,502 He works for the state government, 209 00:09:56,581 --> 00:09:58,448 and he's been coming to advise us about our budget. 210 00:09:58,552 --> 00:10:02,048 Come on, Leslie. The Douche blew this story wide open. 211 00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:04,253 Ben Wyatt bankrupts a town and then comes to Pawnee 212 00:10:04,330 --> 00:10:05,593 to tell us how to spend our money? 213 00:10:05,666 --> 00:10:07,101 There's no story here, Shauna. 214 00:10:07,169 --> 00:10:10,232 He's just a dedicated civil servant who is doing whatever he can 215 00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:12,940 to make sure that this is the best Harvest Festival ever. 216 00:10:15,085 --> 00:10:16,918 And he's easy on the eyes, too. 217 00:10:18,391 --> 00:10:20,588 What exactly is the nature of your relationship with him? 218 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,188 Strictly professional. Just friends. 219 00:10:22,266 --> 00:10:23,700 So, are you colleagues or are you friends? 220 00:10:23,802 --> 00:10:26,137 We are colleagues with benefits. 221 00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:32,243 We're colleagues who benefit from the fact that we're also friends. 222 00:10:33,054 --> 00:10:35,456 I'm sorry, Shauna. I think I need to go. 223 00:10:35,526 --> 00:10:36,755 But, thank you so much, 224 00:10:36,828 --> 00:10:38,559 and as always, everything I said is off the record. 225 00:10:38,632 --> 00:10:39,965 Okay? Bye. 226 00:10:40,469 --> 00:10:41,732 What's the next task? 227 00:10:42,173 --> 00:10:43,300 We have to write her grandmother 228 00:10:43,375 --> 00:10:45,038 a thank you note for a birthday check. 229 00:10:45,112 --> 00:10:47,548 It has to be really good, too, because it's five months late. 230 00:10:47,750 --> 00:10:50,347 Never written a thank you note before. This will be fun. 231 00:10:50,589 --> 00:10:51,852 What does she call her? 232 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:54,220 Gamma. No. Nanna. 233 00:10:54,497 --> 00:10:57,094 Or Nana. Gizmo. Something like that. 234 00:11:01,344 --> 00:11:05,148 This is for your Gizmo. I think you'll find it's pretty good. 235 00:11:05,319 --> 00:11:08,485 "Dear April's grandmother..." I said grandfather. 236 00:11:10,262 --> 00:11:11,252 Oops. Okay. 237 00:11:11,331 --> 00:11:13,563 "You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man. 238 00:11:13,635 --> 00:11:15,764 "I hope someday, I can become half the woman you are." 239 00:11:15,839 --> 00:11:16,899 He's a man. 240 00:11:16,976 --> 00:11:19,173 "Thank you for the $500." It was $5. 241 00:11:19,247 --> 00:11:22,276 "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD." He is deaf. 242 00:11:23,388 --> 00:11:26,019 Okay. Do you want me to make those changes, or is it good? 243 00:11:27,696 --> 00:11:28,823 Before we do this next interview, 244 00:11:28,899 --> 00:11:30,800 there's a little secret I want to let you in on. 245 00:11:30,869 --> 00:11:32,736 It's called the "Haverford Schmooze." 246 00:11:32,806 --> 00:11:34,537 Look, I was just caught off guard. I'm fine. 247 00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:35,839 Three easy steps. 248 00:11:36,180 --> 00:11:40,712 Smile, friendly physical contact and flattery. 249 00:11:41,057 --> 00:11:43,995 "Hey, Perd. Was your dad RoboCop? Because your arms are guns." 250 00:11:44,163 --> 00:11:46,030 RoboCop didn't have guns for arms. 251 00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:48,229 Oh, my God. That's so not the point, you nerd. 252 00:11:48,305 --> 00:11:49,466 Just saying. 253 00:11:49,540 --> 00:11:50,599 Why are we at a mall? 254 00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:52,205 We're getting you a new suit. 255 00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:53,908 I've let this go on long enough. 256 00:11:54,050 --> 00:11:55,712 I like this suit. You shouldn't, 257 00:11:55,852 --> 00:11:57,151 because it looks like garbage. 258 00:11:57,456 --> 00:12:00,121 Your suit looks more like garbage. 259 00:12:00,228 --> 00:12:01,355 Really? Yeah. 260 00:12:01,431 --> 00:12:03,560 Because Brooks Brothers Boys doesn't make garbage. 261 00:12:04,737 --> 00:12:07,470 Okay. This next thing is a photography class assignment. 262 00:12:07,543 --> 00:12:08,670 Can you figure that out? 263 00:12:09,213 --> 00:12:11,706 "Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy." 264 00:12:11,784 --> 00:12:13,515 Melancholy. Easy. 265 00:12:14,623 --> 00:12:16,286 Boom. A sad desk. 266 00:12:16,494 --> 00:12:18,225 Boom. Sad wall. 267 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:22,903 It's art. Anything is anything. Right on. 268 00:12:23,174 --> 00:12:24,733 I'm going to go drop this off and pick up the mail. 269 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:26,744 Sad floor. 270 00:12:27,082 --> 00:12:28,880 It does look sad, kind of. 271 00:12:30,288 --> 00:12:32,315 Sorry for stepping on you, floor. 272 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:39,001 Hey. You got Andy doing all your work for you? 273 00:12:39,573 --> 00:12:41,839 Yes, but he said he wanted to do it. 274 00:12:41,912 --> 00:12:43,437 I'm only doing it because I'm getting him back... 275 00:12:43,515 --> 00:12:45,883 Yeah, I don't care. I got something to add to your list. 276 00:12:47,523 --> 00:12:49,152 Yup. There we go. 277 00:12:49,693 --> 00:12:51,219 That's the stuff. 278 00:12:51,597 --> 00:12:53,430 April really does this every day? 279 00:12:53,601 --> 00:12:55,628 Yes. Work the heel. 280 00:12:55,739 --> 00:12:56,866 Andy, can I be next? 281 00:12:58,044 --> 00:12:59,034 Yeah. 282 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,047 I have got a corn so big you could slap butter on it. 283 00:13:02,686 --> 00:13:05,157 Welcome to Ya' Heard? With Perd. 284 00:13:05,225 --> 00:13:06,318 I'm Perd Hapley. 285 00:13:06,461 --> 00:13:08,328 The story of our guests today is that 286 00:13:08,398 --> 00:13:10,493 they are from the Department of Parks and Recreation. 287 00:13:10,702 --> 00:13:12,262 Ben Wyatt and Tom Haverford. 288 00:13:12,339 --> 00:13:13,864 What up, Perd? Big fan. 289 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,112 Me, too, Perd. What up? 290 00:13:16,982 --> 00:13:18,975 The thing about this first question is, 291 00:13:19,053 --> 00:13:21,250 I'd like to ask you about the Harvest Festival. 292 00:13:21,357 --> 00:13:24,488 Perd, it's going to be amazing. Carnival rides, games... 293 00:13:24,797 --> 00:13:27,929 Sweetums is even building a plus-sized roller coaster 294 00:13:28,004 --> 00:13:30,167 for some of Pawnee's obese thrill-seekers. 295 00:13:30,375 --> 00:13:32,072 You must be this wide to ride. 296 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,445 Wow. That's going to be a pretty big roller coaster. 297 00:13:35,051 --> 00:13:36,110 Yup. 298 00:13:37,022 --> 00:13:38,422 Hey, guys. How did it go? 299 00:13:38,491 --> 00:13:40,324 Well, there were some sticky moments. 300 00:13:40,395 --> 00:13:42,422 Let's go to the videotape. 301 00:13:43,868 --> 00:13:46,305 Look. Who hasn't had gay thoughts? 302 00:13:46,474 --> 00:13:47,909 Who? - Are you okay? 303 00:13:47,977 --> 00:13:49,206 Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. 304 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,648 I mean, you know, sometimes, I feel like I might need glasses. 305 00:13:51,817 --> 00:13:53,047 Is there a bird in here? 306 00:13:53,121 --> 00:13:56,389 I swear, I keep seeing a bird in this studio. 307 00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:57,986 Maybe that's all there is to it. How did this happen? 308 00:13:58,064 --> 00:14:01,093 He was fine until Perd started asking him about the "boy mayor" stuff. 309 00:14:01,170 --> 00:14:02,798 What's wrong with you? You look psychotic. 310 00:14:02,873 --> 00:14:07,110 I was 18 when I was elected mayor. Okay? So, excuse me for that. 311 00:14:07,316 --> 00:14:09,981 Cindy Eckert had just turned me down for senior prom. 312 00:14:10,055 --> 00:14:12,423 Do you know how that... I should call her. I should. 313 00:14:12,526 --> 00:14:14,052 No, I shouldn't. And I'm not going to. 314 00:14:14,129 --> 00:14:15,563 And I'm proud of myself for that. 315 00:14:16,902 --> 00:14:20,500 And then, he talked about feeling up Cindy Eckert for the first time 316 00:14:20,575 --> 00:14:21,873 for about five minutes. 317 00:14:22,212 --> 00:14:23,202 And then, the show ended. 318 00:14:23,615 --> 00:14:26,143 As did our careers and, probably, Harvest Fest. 319 00:14:27,322 --> 00:14:30,294 Boom. Sadness. That's the one. 320 00:14:34,436 --> 00:14:36,930 Natalie! Hey. It's me, Andy. 321 00:14:37,275 --> 00:14:39,108 You're an hour and a half late. 322 00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:42,151 I know. I know. I had to massage a ton of feet. 323 00:14:42,285 --> 00:14:43,412 Super sorry. 324 00:14:43,488 --> 00:14:45,651 Come on. Get in. I need to do everything on April's list 325 00:14:45,725 --> 00:14:47,217 or she's not going to go out with me. 326 00:14:47,629 --> 00:14:49,394 You're into April? 327 00:14:49,466 --> 00:14:51,994 Come on. We'll talk about it in the car. 328 00:14:52,072 --> 00:14:53,404 Hold on. I'll get my books. 329 00:14:53,508 --> 00:14:54,737 Okay. 330 00:14:55,913 --> 00:14:57,814 Okay, great. Call me. 331 00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:02,285 That should be some damage control. I'm having dinner with Perd Hapley. 332 00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:03,349 Tom, what do we have? 333 00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:05,088 I've gotten calls from a dozen businesses 334 00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:06,861 thinking about pulling their sponsorships. 335 00:15:06,968 --> 00:15:09,404 Sweetums might cancel the Fat-Coaster. Oh, my God. 336 00:15:09,773 --> 00:15:10,832 Okay, look, we need to focus. 337 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,538 We still have the Pawnee Today interview. 338 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,138 Well, is it too late to cancel? 339 00:15:14,349 --> 00:15:17,287 Yeah. Yeah. It's too late to cancel. 340 00:15:17,355 --> 00:15:19,291 Joan Callamezzo runs this town. 341 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,963 But Ben, don't worry about it. You're not going in front of the camera. 342 00:15:22,032 --> 00:15:23,022 Fine with me. 343 00:15:23,969 --> 00:15:25,870 Are you trying to lure this young lady into your van? 344 00:15:26,407 --> 00:15:27,397 Yeah. 345 00:15:27,743 --> 00:15:31,649 But she's being really difficult about it, and it's actually not my van. 346 00:15:31,784 --> 00:15:33,879 I stole it from a friend of mine. 347 00:15:34,156 --> 00:15:37,322 I technically shouldn't be even driving, because 348 00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:39,456 my license is crazy expired. 349 00:15:40,635 --> 00:15:44,302 That's Dwyer. D-W-Y-E-R. 350 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:48,012 Dude! Come on. I've got to get out of here! 351 00:15:48,084 --> 00:15:50,316 Natalie, tell this guy you know me. 352 00:15:53,728 --> 00:15:57,327 Joan? I thought you were Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here. 353 00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:01,242 Joan, let's make a pact, okay? 354 00:16:01,410 --> 00:16:03,938 If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married. 355 00:16:04,016 --> 00:16:06,612 Tom, I'm already married. That's right. To Seal. 356 00:16:06,922 --> 00:16:09,119 What? I confused you with Heidi Klum again. 357 00:16:10,295 --> 00:16:11,786 See you later, Joan. That's just... 358 00:16:11,864 --> 00:16:15,167 That's how it's done. - In five, four... 359 00:16:16,073 --> 00:16:19,705 Hello, and welcome to Pawnee Today. I'm Joan Callamezzo. 360 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,351 Today's guest is Leslie Knope, who is here to tell us 361 00:16:22,419 --> 00:16:25,789 how this year's Harvest Festival is going to bankrupt the city. 362 00:16:26,393 --> 00:16:29,924 Well, Joan, actually, there's a lot of false information flying around. 363 00:16:30,001 --> 00:16:32,164 The Harvest Festival is... Jumping right in. 364 00:16:32,706 --> 00:16:33,970 That's rude. 365 00:16:34,109 --> 00:16:35,338 I just want everyone to know 366 00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,381 what an extraordinary event this is going to be. 367 00:16:37,682 --> 00:16:39,151 But at what cost? 368 00:16:39,486 --> 00:16:42,322 How many cities does Ben Wyatt need to destroy 369 00:16:42,392 --> 00:16:43,918 before he's put behind bars? 370 00:16:44,229 --> 00:16:45,926 Ben Wyatt has done nothing wrong. 371 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:50,672 You know? If you want to ask him questions, let's go for it, huh? 372 00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:52,742 Just ask any question about his past or present. 373 00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:54,372 Just get it over with. Ben, let's get up here. 374 00:16:54,449 --> 00:16:55,439 What? Yeah. Come on. 375 00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:57,683 We'll just ask him a bunch of questions, 376 00:16:57,756 --> 00:16:59,749 and then, we'll get everything cleared and out of the way. 377 00:16:59,860 --> 00:17:01,329 Sound good? Yeah? Great. 378 00:17:01,397 --> 00:17:03,891 Good. Let's take some calls, Joan. 379 00:17:04,202 --> 00:17:06,935 Why don't you? Okay. Caller, are you there? 380 00:17:07,375 --> 00:17:09,607 Yeah, how can you justify raising taxes 381 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,274 for something that will hurt the town? 382 00:17:12,485 --> 00:17:13,544 I... 383 00:17:15,692 --> 00:17:17,025 For... 384 00:17:18,497 --> 00:17:20,991 Just to add to what Ben's stammering about, 385 00:17:21,070 --> 00:17:22,732 we aren't going to raise taxes. 386 00:17:23,341 --> 00:17:26,541 So, that's that. Next caller? 387 00:17:29,453 --> 00:17:30,887 Do you fish, April? 388 00:17:30,956 --> 00:17:32,515 No. Fish are gross. 389 00:17:32,692 --> 00:17:34,594 Let me give you a piece of fishing advice. 390 00:17:34,696 --> 00:17:36,598 I said I don't... When you have a fish on the line, 391 00:17:36,667 --> 00:17:38,466 you don't just drag it behind the boat. 392 00:17:39,306 --> 00:17:41,538 You either reel it in or you cut him loose. 393 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:45,348 Especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart. 394 00:17:45,451 --> 00:17:47,284 You don't know what you're talking about. 395 00:17:47,389 --> 00:17:50,555 Maybe not. Maybe you really do hate Andy. 396 00:17:51,063 --> 00:17:54,058 Maybe moving to Indianapolis just to get revenge on him 397 00:17:54,136 --> 00:17:55,627 is a really good idea. 398 00:17:56,507 --> 00:17:58,033 What do I know? 399 00:18:05,959 --> 00:18:07,552 You are going to love this. 400 00:18:07,897 --> 00:18:11,063 Verosian tea really supercharges the bacteria in your colon. 401 00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:13,037 Plus, it smells interesting. Waft it. 402 00:18:14,276 --> 00:18:17,043 Are we actually ever going to drink it, or we're just going to sniff it? 403 00:18:17,115 --> 00:18:18,982 I love sniffing. Don't get me wrong. 404 00:18:19,052 --> 00:18:20,714 You are hilarious. 405 00:18:22,258 --> 00:18:24,285 So, you're leaving soon. 406 00:18:24,629 --> 00:18:26,496 Back to Indianapolis briefly, 407 00:18:26,567 --> 00:18:29,471 and then, on to a town called Snerling, Indiana, 408 00:18:29,606 --> 00:18:30,631 for several months. 409 00:18:30,808 --> 00:18:31,798 Never heard of it. 410 00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:34,472 It's quite small. The cows outnumber the people forty to one. 411 00:18:35,017 --> 00:18:36,007 It sounds amazing. 412 00:18:37,455 --> 00:18:41,862 I like you a lot. I love spending time with you. 413 00:18:42,398 --> 00:18:44,698 And I thoroughly enjoy you, Ann Perkins. 414 00:18:45,037 --> 00:18:49,034 I just think we need to talk about what that means for us. 415 00:18:49,112 --> 00:18:50,671 I don't want to be clingy. No, no, no. Please. 416 00:18:50,748 --> 00:18:52,240 It is something that we need to figure out, 417 00:18:52,318 --> 00:18:54,254 and we should do that right now. 418 00:18:55,825 --> 00:18:57,624 I'm so happy you said that. 419 00:18:59,065 --> 00:19:00,397 Wow, that's disgusting. 420 00:19:00,668 --> 00:19:02,865 Yes, it's very hard to drink. 421 00:19:05,913 --> 00:19:07,906 Yeah, why should we trust this Ben Wyatt guy? 422 00:19:08,584 --> 00:19:10,747 Because I'm trusty. Trust me. 423 00:19:10,855 --> 00:19:15,593 I'm trustworthy. And I am working very hard to... 424 00:19:16,066 --> 00:19:19,402 make sure that this town gets back on its feet. 425 00:19:19,573 --> 00:19:22,374 Here we go. Okay, great. Next caller? 426 00:19:22,779 --> 00:19:24,578 So, I looked you up on AltaVista, and I found out 427 00:19:24,649 --> 00:19:27,416 that the last seven towns you've gone to ended up bankrupt. 428 00:19:28,290 --> 00:19:31,751 Okay. First of all, why does everyone in this town use AltaVista? 429 00:19:32,465 --> 00:19:36,667 Is it 1997? And second, I am a budget specialist. 430 00:19:36,908 --> 00:19:40,939 I went to those towns because they were bankrupt, and now, they aren't. 431 00:19:41,650 --> 00:19:43,711 And yeah, I screwed up when I was 18, 432 00:19:43,787 --> 00:19:45,951 but who doesn't do dumb stuff when they're 18? 433 00:19:47,262 --> 00:19:50,564 Joan? I stole my gym teacher's husband. 434 00:19:52,940 --> 00:19:53,965 So, there you go. 435 00:19:55,278 --> 00:19:57,680 Well. What else you got, callers? 436 00:19:57,916 --> 00:19:59,544 Going once, going... Here we go. 437 00:20:00,521 --> 00:20:04,291 Yeah, hi. Can you tell me more about the corn maze at the Harvest Festival? 438 00:20:04,362 --> 00:20:05,660 Are dogs allowed? 439 00:20:08,804 --> 00:20:10,296 Hello. Hello. 440 00:20:10,708 --> 00:20:11,904 How did it go today? 441 00:20:12,278 --> 00:20:13,303 It was super fun. 442 00:20:13,447 --> 00:20:14,710 It was? Yeah. 443 00:20:15,184 --> 00:20:16,277 You have a list for tomorrow? 444 00:20:18,892 --> 00:20:20,485 You want to do this again tomorrow? 445 00:20:20,561 --> 00:20:22,360 Yes, I do. I mean, it's the deal, right? 446 00:20:22,432 --> 00:20:24,334 I got to do it for a whole month, and then, 447 00:20:24,402 --> 00:20:25,836 you're not going to move to Indianapolis. 448 00:20:33,821 --> 00:20:35,518 I better be the only person you kissed today. 449 00:20:36,326 --> 00:20:39,355 Yeah, I'm positive that you are. 450 00:20:43,073 --> 00:20:45,100 If I thought you were serious, I'd be offended, Perd. 451 00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:46,372 But I know that we're buddies. 452 00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:47,778 And I know you wouldn't do that to me. 453 00:20:47,849 --> 00:20:50,650 But, no, this is a birthmark, Perd. Okay? 454 00:20:50,922 --> 00:20:53,985 This is the little scar I got when I was nine and I fell off my bike. 455 00:20:54,095 --> 00:20:55,894 So, no, I'm not perfect. 456 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,894 I can't look away. It's amazing. 457 00:20:58,972 --> 00:21:00,634 Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Now, here's the best part. 458 00:21:00,808 --> 00:21:04,270 Okay, that's all the time we have here on Ya' Heard? 459 00:21:04,349 --> 00:21:06,478 I'm Perd Hapley, Channel Four. 460 00:21:06,586 --> 00:21:07,919 More like "Turd Crapley." 461 00:21:08,925 --> 00:21:10,291 Yes. Yes. Yeah? 462 00:21:11,263 --> 00:21:12,595 Bravo! Thank you very much.