1
00:00:01,345 --> 00:00:03,402
Pawnee is, as you all know,

2
00:00:03,479 --> 00:00:05,707
the fourth most
obese city in America.

3
00:00:05,979 --> 00:00:08,843
Soon to be number three.
We're coming for you, San Antonio.

4
00:00:08,913 --> 00:00:12,208
No, we are not.
We are slimming down.

5
00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:14,268
Starting right
here at City Hall.

6
00:00:14,345 --> 00:00:17,641
I am implementing a
government-wide health initiative.

7
00:00:17,712 --> 00:00:19,701
We could have a City Hall
dodgeball league!

8
00:00:19,779 --> 00:00:21,335
I have first pick,
and my pick is Ron.

9
00:00:21,546 --> 00:00:22,910
Great idea!
Keep 'em coming.

10
00:00:22,979 --> 00:00:26,070
Now, if anybody would like to join me,
I will be running backwards

11
00:00:26,146 --> 00:00:27,577
up the big hill
behind the Walmart.

12
00:00:29,445 --> 00:00:31,968
Don't freak out,
but Joe from Sewage

13
00:00:32,046 --> 00:00:33,841
just unhooked your
bra with his eyes.

14
00:00:33,913 --> 00:00:35,106
What?

15
00:00:35,812 --> 00:00:36,800
Oh, boy.

16
00:00:37,046 --> 00:00:38,671
Hi, Joe.
What's up, Knope?

17
00:00:39,379 --> 00:00:41,902
Looking good these days.
What do you say?

18
00:00:42,379 --> 00:00:44,470
Van's out back.
Let's roll.

19
00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,008
Where is this coming from?

20
00:00:46,079 --> 00:00:48,011
I don't know.
You're putting out some vibe today.

21
00:00:48,079 --> 00:00:49,510
It's just driving me
crazy.

22
00:00:49,579 --> 00:00:51,272
Listen, if you're
looking for a good time,

23
00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:53,672
why don't you come on down
to the Toilet Party?

24
00:00:54,612 --> 00:00:56,441
That's what we call
the Sewage Department.

25
00:00:56,579 --> 00:00:57,977
Great. Okay.

26
00:00:59,312 --> 00:01:00,300
Liking the view.

27
00:01:01,913 --> 00:01:03,674
Still got it, Joe.
- No, you don't.

28
00:01:25,445 --> 00:01:26,843
Christopher.
Got a second?

29
00:01:26,913 --> 00:01:27,901
Oh, hey, Ron.

30
00:01:27,979 --> 00:01:30,036
Listen. I've eaten
a commissary hamburger

31
00:01:30,179 --> 00:01:32,236
for lunch every
day for 12 years.

32
00:01:32,512 --> 00:01:36,001
I just wanted to make sure this
pointless health crusade won't affect

33
00:01:36,079 --> 00:01:38,271
the only part of
my job that I like.

34
00:01:38,846 --> 00:01:40,243
Oh, no,
those hamburgers are gone.

35
00:01:40,379 --> 00:01:42,971
Red meat can cause sluggishness,
heart disease, even impotence.

36
00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:45,437
Has the opposite
effect on me.

37
00:01:45,812 --> 00:01:47,209
You ever tried
a turkey burger?

38
00:01:47,345 --> 00:01:50,175
Is that a fried turkey leg
inside a grilled hamburger?

39
00:01:50,379 --> 00:01:51,845
If so, yes. Delicious.

40
00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:54,776
A turkey burger. You take lean,
ground turkey meat,

41
00:01:54,846 --> 00:01:57,141
you make that into a burger
instead of red meat.

42
00:01:57,212 --> 00:01:58,803
Why would anyone
do that to themselves?

43
00:01:58,879 --> 00:02:02,834
What if I told you that I could make
a turkey burger that tastes better

44
00:02:02,946 --> 00:02:04,969
than any other
burger you've ever had?

45
00:02:06,479 --> 00:02:09,968
Challenge accepted.
Cook-off later today in the courtyard.

46
00:02:10,145 --> 00:02:13,010
If I win, hamburgers remain
in the commissary.

47
00:02:13,245 --> 00:02:14,370
What do I get if I win?

48
00:02:14,679 --> 00:02:18,941
The rarest jewel of all.
Victory over me, Ron Swanson.

49
00:02:19,179 --> 00:02:20,167
I like that.

50
00:02:20,612 --> 00:02:21,600
We're on.

51
00:02:21,679 --> 00:02:24,372
You know, I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I actually checked out

52
00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:27,240
that snow globe museum
that you recommended,

53
00:02:27,312 --> 00:02:28,642
and it was pretty awesome.

54
00:02:28,712 --> 00:02:29,700
Yeah.
I have to say.

55
00:02:29,779 --> 00:02:31,506
I mean, I did get in
trouble for shaking one...

56
00:02:31,579 --> 00:02:33,636
Yeah, I'm not
allowed there anymore.

57
00:02:33,712 --> 00:02:34,973
So, I have some ideas
for the health initiative.

58
00:02:35,045 --> 00:02:37,568
Oh, okay.
How about I swing by later

59
00:02:37,646 --> 00:02:40,010
and we'll just, you know,
we'll go over everything?

60
00:02:40,078 --> 00:02:42,442
Or we could go out
after work.

61
00:02:43,345 --> 00:02:45,072
You know, go to J.J.'s or something,
grab a bite?

62
00:02:45,145 --> 00:02:47,236
Um, I don't think I can.

63
00:02:47,312 --> 00:02:50,745
But why don't we just talk about
it later, in this building?

64
00:02:52,779 --> 00:02:53,938
Okay? All right.

65
00:02:54,112 --> 00:02:58,306
But, you're great.
And you have great ideas. And...

66
00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:00,809
Uh...

67
00:03:02,179 --> 00:03:03,167
Bye.

68
00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:07,642
Bye, babe.

69
00:03:08,612 --> 00:03:11,077
Hey, I brought this cholesterol
testing kit for the health thing.

70
00:03:11,145 --> 00:03:15,669
Okay, let's do it. So, I asked
Ben out to dinner and he said no.

71
00:03:15,979 --> 00:03:16,967
What?
Yeah.

72
00:03:17,045 --> 00:03:19,511
He seemed really into you.
What did he say exactly?

73
00:03:19,579 --> 00:03:21,977
He was like,
"Huh? What? Uh... Bye."

74
00:03:22,045 --> 00:03:24,443
And then, he walked into
an office that wasn't his.

75
00:03:24,546 --> 00:03:26,603
You know what? If he doesn't want
to go out with you, he's nuts.

76
00:03:26,679 --> 00:03:29,736
You're awesome, and there's a
million other guys out there.

77
00:03:29,812 --> 00:03:32,607
I have been having so much fun
just dating a bunch of people.

78
00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:34,542
I know. Who was that guy you
were talking to out there?

79
00:03:34,612 --> 00:03:35,669
And then also kissing?

80
00:03:35,746 --> 00:03:38,541
I was... Crap on a crayfish.
That really stings.

81
00:03:38,612 --> 00:03:39,600
I haven't
pricked you, yet.

82
00:03:39,946 --> 00:03:41,536
Oh, sorry.
I was just picturing it.

83
00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:43,737
You know what?
Maybe you need to cast a wider net.

84
00:03:43,812 --> 00:03:45,175
Have you thought
about Internet dating?

85
00:03:45,245 --> 00:03:48,370
Really? I don't think that's for me.
You're a monster.

86
00:03:48,612 --> 00:03:49,600
Still haven't
done it, yet.

87
00:03:50,179 --> 00:03:51,974
You know what? I'll help you
set up a profile. It'll be fun.

88
00:03:52,045 --> 00:03:54,307
All right. Yeah, let's do it.
Okay. Good. I'm glad that's over.

89
00:03:54,379 --> 00:03:55,367
Oh, it's not.

90
00:03:56,579 --> 00:03:57,840
you, Ann!

91
00:03:59,779 --> 00:04:01,108
Who the hell is Forp?

92
00:04:01,646 --> 00:04:03,908
I don't know.
I couldn't really hear him.

93
00:04:03,978 --> 00:04:05,604
It sounded like
his name was Forp.

94
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:07,474
Get his number?
No.

95
00:04:07,812 --> 00:04:09,141
Good girl.

96
00:04:10,412 --> 00:04:12,207
Ron Swanson. April Ludgate.

97
00:04:12,379 --> 00:04:14,208
Hey, I'm just gonna pop over
to Grain 'N Simple

98
00:04:14,279 --> 00:04:15,540
to get the very
best ingredients

99
00:04:15,679 --> 00:04:16,974
for my burger.
Do you wanna come?

100
00:04:17,112 --> 00:04:19,010
What is Grain 'N Simple?

101
00:04:19,078 --> 00:04:20,169
It's a health food store.

102
00:04:20,312 --> 00:04:21,801
Pawnee doesn't have
a health food store.

103
00:04:21,879 --> 00:04:24,811
No, but Snerling does.
And it's only a 40-minute drive.

104
00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:26,336
What are you doing, Andy?

105
00:04:26,412 --> 00:04:28,310
I'm getting healthier snacks
for the shoeshine stand.

106
00:04:28,379 --> 00:04:29,709
Chris is a food genius.

107
00:04:30,078 --> 00:04:31,976
Did you know that the food
you eat becomes energy?

108
00:04:32,245 --> 00:04:34,438
Yeah. Boom.
That's spaghetti.

109
00:04:35,679 --> 00:04:38,736
Nachos. That's a cookie.

110
00:04:40,012 --> 00:04:41,273
That's my husband.

111
00:04:42,345 --> 00:04:43,504
See you tomorrow?
Okay.

112
00:04:43,978 --> 00:04:45,569
Is that a different guy
from earlier?

113
00:04:45,679 --> 00:04:46,770
What?
Never mind.

114
00:04:47,012 --> 00:04:48,205
You ready to
rock this profile?

115
00:04:48,345 --> 00:04:49,538
All right.

116
00:04:49,912 --> 00:04:51,572
Yellow-haired female.

117
00:04:51,945 --> 00:04:54,673
Likes waffles and news.

118
00:04:54,779 --> 00:04:58,938
Sexy, well-read blonde.
Loves the sweeter things in life.

119
00:04:59,012 --> 00:05:00,774
Much better.
Hobbies?

120
00:05:00,912 --> 00:05:03,470
Organizing my agenda.
Wait, that doesn't sound fun.

121
00:05:04,412 --> 00:05:06,275
Jamming on my planner.

122
00:05:06,512 --> 00:05:07,671
Favorite place?

123
00:05:07,746 --> 00:05:10,337
Upstairs, there is
this mural of wildflowers.

124
00:05:10,412 --> 00:05:12,139
And I like to sit on
a bench in front of it.

125
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:14,902
Really? It could be
anywhere in the world.

126
00:05:15,045 --> 00:05:17,102
Paris, Hawaii,
the Grand Canyon.

127
00:05:17,179 --> 00:05:19,145
Nope. Just the bench
in front of the mural.

128
00:05:19,212 --> 00:05:21,508
What about, like,
an actual meadow where wildflowers are?

129
00:05:21,579 --> 00:05:24,010
Eww, Ann.
I'm scared of bees. Mural.

130
00:05:24,312 --> 00:05:25,403
Okay. What do you
think of dogs?

131
00:05:25,546 --> 00:05:26,637
Love.

132
00:05:26,746 --> 00:05:27,904
Cats?
Love.

133
00:05:28,179 --> 00:05:29,338
Fish?
Love.

134
00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:30,670
Turtles?

135
00:05:30,812 --> 00:05:31,902
No opinion.

136
00:05:34,179 --> 00:05:35,475
They're condescending.

137
00:05:35,546 --> 00:05:37,535
Describe your ideal man.

138
00:05:38,579 --> 00:05:44,034
He's dark and mysterious.
And he can sing. And he plays the organ.

139
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:46,939
I think you just described
the Phantom of the Opera.

140
00:05:47,379 --> 00:05:48,367
Hmm.

141
00:05:50,279 --> 00:05:52,336
Ah, Nirvana. Hey, guys.

142
00:05:52,412 --> 00:05:53,435
Hey, Chris.

143
00:05:53,512 --> 00:05:54,977
Amber. Annie. Bill. Johnny.

144
00:05:56,012 --> 00:05:58,604
No. I don't plan
to buy anything here.

145
00:05:58,912 --> 00:06:02,140
I buy my burger ingredients
at Food and Stuff,

146
00:06:02,379 --> 00:06:05,573
a discount food outlet equidistant
from my home and my work.

147
00:06:06,212 --> 00:06:09,201
I came here for the same
reason people go to the zoo.

148
00:06:11,612 --> 00:06:12,600
Shh.

149
00:06:12,811 --> 00:06:14,539
Look at that thing.

150
00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:18,938
Nature is amazing.

151
00:06:19,512 --> 00:06:20,500
Okay.

152
00:06:21,179 --> 00:06:23,940
Oh, my God. A 98% match?

153
00:06:24,045 --> 00:06:25,806
That's
a soul mate-level match.

154
00:06:25,945 --> 00:06:27,707
I've never seen
anything this high before.

155
00:06:28,746 --> 00:06:29,972
Awesome.

156
00:06:30,312 --> 00:06:33,335
Okay. I know what you're thinking.
And you know what?

157
00:06:33,412 --> 00:06:36,776
You have to forget about Ben.
He had his chance and he blew it.

158
00:06:36,845 --> 00:06:40,107
This computer could have found
the future Mr. Leslie Knope.

159
00:06:40,646 --> 00:06:45,873
Yeah. Okay. Entire universe of guys
I might date, let's see what you got.

160
00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:54,171
This is Craig at hoosiermate.
com. How can I help you?

161
00:06:54,245 --> 00:06:55,643
Craig, your service
is crap.

162
00:06:55,912 --> 00:06:57,003
Can you be more specific?

163
00:06:57,078 --> 00:06:59,670
Yes. Your soul mate match
was totally wrong for me.

164
00:06:59,746 --> 00:07:02,644
I mean, I like him as a friend and everything,
but I'd never go out with him.

165
00:07:02,712 --> 00:07:03,904
He's like
a little sister to me.

166
00:07:03,978 --> 00:07:05,410
We have a very
sophisticated algorithm

167
00:07:05,546 --> 00:07:06,977
that's paired up
thousands of couples.

168
00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:08,873
I actually met my
wife on the site.

169
00:07:08,945 --> 00:07:10,377
Really?
Well, that's not gonna last.

170
00:07:10,445 --> 00:07:11,536
Excuse me?
You heard me.

171
00:07:11,612 --> 00:07:13,475
Your marriage is a sham.
Goodbye, Craig. No, actually...

172
00:07:14,845 --> 00:07:15,833
See you, sweetheart.

173
00:07:17,445 --> 00:07:18,910
He seems nice.

174
00:07:18,978 --> 00:07:21,274
Eh, he kind of lives
in a barn. What's up?

175
00:07:21,412 --> 00:07:23,310
What's wrong with me?
Why do good guys hate me

176
00:07:23,379 --> 00:07:24,572
and gross guys love me?

177
00:07:24,646 --> 00:07:25,770
Diagnose me.
You're a nurse.

178
00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:27,505
There's nothing
wrong with you.

179
00:07:27,579 --> 00:07:31,067
You're an intelligent, classy,
attractive woman.

180
00:07:31,279 --> 00:07:33,211
But for whatever reason,
right now,

181
00:07:33,279 --> 00:07:35,472
only douchey guys are
buying what you're selling.

182
00:07:35,679 --> 00:07:38,668
So, I should go and ask them
what they think I'm selling.

183
00:07:39,778 --> 00:07:41,677
A douche-vestigation.

184
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:43,542
Nice.

185
00:07:44,045 --> 00:07:46,273
Hi, Joe. I know you're gonna
take this the wrong way,

186
00:07:46,345 --> 00:07:47,833
but can I talk to
you for a second?

187
00:07:48,579 --> 00:07:50,636
You can do anything to me,
for any number of seconds.

188
00:07:50,711 --> 00:07:51,734
Hmm.

189
00:07:51,811 --> 00:07:53,368
Would you like to
talk outside in my van?

190
00:07:53,445 --> 00:07:58,571
No, here's fine. I was flattered
by what you said earlier.

191
00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:01,606
And I was just wondering,
what do you look for in a woman?

192
00:08:02,811 --> 00:08:06,403
She can't be in a wheelchair.
No canes. No gray hair.

193
00:08:06,512 --> 00:08:07,772
So, basically,
you're just attracted to me

194
00:08:07,912 --> 00:08:09,208
because I'm not
an elderly person.

195
00:08:09,279 --> 00:08:14,439
Yeah. And as I aforementioned,
you have a killer dumpster.

196
00:08:16,878 --> 00:08:18,037
What does this do?

197
00:08:25,412 --> 00:08:29,071
Would you like to sample our
vegan bacon? 100% meatless.

198
00:08:29,345 --> 00:08:30,742
Yes, please.

199
00:08:34,845 --> 00:08:36,038
Another, please.

200
00:08:41,412 --> 00:08:42,877
Sir? Is there a problem?

201
00:08:43,012 --> 00:08:45,807
I'm just making sure no
one ever has to eat this.

202
00:08:46,445 --> 00:08:48,343
I don't think I can
give you any more.

203
00:08:48,678 --> 00:08:49,666
I want one.

204
00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:51,100
Hey.

205
00:08:54,245 --> 00:08:56,404
Yeah, I'm calling to
lodge a complaint about

206
00:08:56,546 --> 00:08:58,704
the seaweed and
almond under-eye cream

207
00:08:58,778 --> 00:09:00,801
I purchased from you guys.

208
00:09:00,878 --> 00:09:02,935
Oh, my problem is
it smells terrible.

209
00:09:03,179 --> 00:09:04,509
Yeah, I even mixed it
with another

210
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:06,009
under-eye cream
and it still smelled.

211
00:09:06,145 --> 00:09:09,168
So, I ruined two eye creams.
Yes, I will hold.

212
00:09:12,012 --> 00:09:17,035
Forever young,
I wanna be forever young

213
00:09:17,645 --> 00:09:20,373
Do you really
wanna live forever

214
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,536
What's this?

215
00:09:23,678 --> 00:09:24,735
Dragon fruit.

216
00:09:25,778 --> 00:09:27,472
What's this?

217
00:09:27,612 --> 00:09:29,339
A kiwano, or horned melon.

218
00:09:29,412 --> 00:09:30,605
What's this?

219
00:09:30,745 --> 00:09:31,972
A peach.

220
00:09:33,579 --> 00:09:34,567
I knew that.

221
00:09:35,045 --> 00:09:39,602
Wow! Fresh lettuce is my
all-time favorite food.

222
00:09:40,012 --> 00:09:41,000
What's your favorite food?

223
00:09:41,078 --> 00:09:44,976
Well, I take Skittles,
and I put it between two Starbursts.

224
00:09:45,212 --> 00:09:47,007
You know what I call it?
Skittle sandwich?

225
00:09:48,012 --> 00:09:51,376
That's pretty good.
No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.

226
00:09:51,912 --> 00:09:55,867
It's nice because
the flavor of the Starbursts

227
00:09:56,179 --> 00:10:01,077
really bring out a similar
flavor in the Skittles.

228
00:10:02,711 --> 00:10:05,473
Forever young I wanna be...

229
00:10:05,678 --> 00:10:07,542
Hey, Tom.

230
00:10:07,978 --> 00:10:09,103
What's up?

231
00:10:09,445 --> 00:10:11,343
Do you wanna go to lunch?

232
00:10:11,811 --> 00:10:14,039
No, I don't really
feel like going to J.J.'s.

233
00:10:14,112 --> 00:10:16,442
We can go anywhere.
Your choice. I'm buying.

234
00:10:17,145 --> 00:10:18,906
Can I get apps
and 'zerts?

235
00:10:19,279 --> 00:10:21,142
'Zerts are what
I call desserts.

236
00:10:21,279 --> 00:10:22,642
Tray-trays are entrees.

237
00:10:22,711 --> 00:10:26,041
I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles,
or Adam Sandlers.

238
00:10:26,345 --> 00:10:28,742
Air conditioners are
cool blasterz, with a Z.

239
00:10:28,811 --> 00:10:30,038
I don't know
where that came from.

240
00:10:30,112 --> 00:10:32,203
I call cakes
big ol' cookies.

241
00:10:32,312 --> 00:10:34,505
I call noodles
long-ass rice.

242
00:10:34,578 --> 00:10:36,771
Fried chicken is
fry-fry chicky-chick.

243
00:10:36,945 --> 00:10:39,036
Chicken parm is
chicky-chicky parm-parm.

244
00:10:39,112 --> 00:10:41,305
Chicken cacciatore?
Chicky catch.

245
00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:44,209
I call eggs
pre-birds or future birds.

246
00:10:44,312 --> 00:10:46,039
Root beer is super water.

247
00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:47,935
Tortillas are bean blankies.

248
00:10:48,078 --> 00:10:51,374
And I call forks food rakes.

249
00:10:52,578 --> 00:10:55,101
Yeah.
You can get as many 'zerts as you want.

250
00:10:55,212 --> 00:10:57,303
Well, let's get
in my go-go mobile.

251
00:10:57,811 --> 00:10:58,799
Car.

252
00:10:59,645 --> 00:11:02,577
This'll be fun. Let's say you rub
a bottle and a genie comes out

253
00:11:02,645 --> 00:11:04,736
and gives you three wishes.
What would those wishes be?

254
00:11:04,945 --> 00:11:06,535
Come on, Leslie.
This'll be a fun game.

255
00:11:06,611 --> 00:11:07,702
Three wishes. Go.

256
00:11:07,845 --> 00:11:11,369
Okay. First wish? I have a huge
house with a ton of balconies.

257
00:11:11,678 --> 00:11:12,701
Yeah. Okay.

258
00:11:12,778 --> 00:11:13,937
And I would just
stand out there

259
00:11:14,012 --> 00:11:16,637
and survey my empire, like a drug
dealer in a Michael Bay movie.

260
00:11:16,711 --> 00:11:18,904
And I'll just
spend my time out there

261
00:11:18,978 --> 00:11:22,308
reading my iPad and drinking
espressos in a terry cloth robe.

262
00:11:23,611 --> 00:11:24,634
Wish number two.

263
00:11:24,711 --> 00:11:28,507
Okay. I'm the CEO of
the Spike TV network.

264
00:11:28,878 --> 00:11:33,901
And my best friend slash personal
assistant is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx.

265
00:11:34,078 --> 00:11:37,374
And we create a raunchy animated
series based on our friendship,

266
00:11:37,511 --> 00:11:39,977
called Tommy and the Foxx.

267
00:11:40,878 --> 00:11:42,810
Okay. We don't have
to do this anymore.

268
00:11:42,878 --> 00:11:46,436
No, no. I'm into it now. Wish number
three. They remake Point Break.

269
00:11:46,878 --> 00:11:50,003
I play both roles.
Keanu and Swayze.

270
00:11:50,478 --> 00:11:51,808
I think if you
continue cross-training

271
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:53,309
the way you have,
you're gonna...

272
00:11:55,245 --> 00:11:57,608
I don't see any ingredients.
Have you bought ingredients?

273
00:11:57,912 --> 00:11:59,071
Nope.

274
00:11:59,212 --> 00:12:01,473
Do you need help shopping?
No.

275
00:12:01,545 --> 00:12:03,841
Are you hurt? Can you move?
Never felt better.

276
00:12:03,912 --> 00:12:07,401
Chris! Can I get these?

277
00:12:07,545 --> 00:12:09,171
I said one thing.

278
00:12:10,645 --> 00:12:11,838
Honey?

279
00:12:11,912 --> 00:12:13,003
Pinwheel.

280
00:12:15,012 --> 00:12:17,376
Let's play a different game.
I'm gonna say stuff about me,

281
00:12:17,444 --> 00:12:19,172
and you say,
on a scale from 1 to 10,

282
00:12:19,312 --> 00:12:21,073
how interested in
that thing you are.

283
00:12:21,478 --> 00:12:22,637
Ready?
Okay.

284
00:12:22,878 --> 00:12:25,537
I love sunshine and fresh
air and early-morning walks.

285
00:12:25,711 --> 00:12:27,438
One.
I've read five biographies

286
00:12:27,511 --> 00:12:28,602
of Eleanor Roosevelt.
One.

287
00:12:28,678 --> 00:12:30,406
I work at the Parks
and Recreation... One.

288
00:12:30,478 --> 00:12:31,603
That's what you do.
One.

289
00:12:31,778 --> 00:12:33,335
I once kissed
a girl in college.

290
00:12:33,412 --> 00:12:34,536
Eight.

291
00:12:34,611 --> 00:12:36,577
Where I graduated summa
cum laude in history.

292
00:12:36,645 --> 00:12:39,440
One. Zero. Negative a billion.
Don't talk about it anymore, please.

293
00:12:43,845 --> 00:12:45,402
I love Food and Stuff.

294
00:12:46,611 --> 00:12:48,509
It's where I buy
all of my food.

295
00:12:50,078 --> 00:12:51,873
And most of my stuff.

296
00:12:53,379 --> 00:12:54,503
Hey, can I get these?

297
00:12:54,645 --> 00:12:55,804
How much are they?

298
00:12:56,379 --> 00:12:57,844
Two bucks apiece.

299
00:12:57,912 --> 00:12:59,037
Good deal.

300
00:13:00,912 --> 00:13:02,139
Anything else?

301
00:13:02,212 --> 00:13:04,769
Nope. Just the crows
and the beef.

302
00:13:05,279 --> 00:13:08,040
So, the only thing that's
important to you is hotness?

303
00:13:08,179 --> 00:13:10,906
Wendy? Lucy? All you cared about
was the shape of their boobs?

304
00:13:10,978 --> 00:13:14,308
No, I really liked them,
and they happened to have nice breasts.

305
00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:17,011
You're acting really weird.
What did you even buy me lunch for?

306
00:13:17,078 --> 00:13:19,475
Just so you could yell at me
for what I like about women?

307
00:13:20,345 --> 00:13:22,469
Okay. Promise
not to tell anyone?

308
00:13:22,545 --> 00:13:23,533
Sure.

309
00:13:23,611 --> 00:13:28,010
This is insane, but you and I got
matched up on hoosiermate. Com.

310
00:13:29,578 --> 00:13:30,976
98% match.

311
00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:33,543
Soul mate-level match.

312
00:13:35,978 --> 00:13:38,739
You wanna date me!
This is a date!

313
00:13:38,811 --> 00:13:40,504
This is not
a date, okay?

314
00:13:40,578 --> 00:13:44,136
You took me to a fancy restaurant,
you paid for my meal,

315
00:13:44,212 --> 00:13:45,472
and you're trying to
get to know me better.

316
00:13:45,545 --> 00:13:47,239
I was just trying to
figure out why only

317
00:13:47,378 --> 00:13:49,072
sleazy guys are
into me right now.

318
00:13:49,145 --> 00:13:51,610
Nice try. You love me.

319
00:13:52,279 --> 00:13:54,870
Leslie Knope,
Tom Haverford

320
00:13:55,012 --> 00:13:57,637
Dating in the day,
dating in the night

321
00:13:57,778 --> 00:14:00,244
Dating all day 'cause
he's keeping it tight

322
00:14:00,312 --> 00:14:01,300
All right, Tom. Enough.

323
00:14:01,378 --> 00:14:03,844
Dating in the car,
dating on the floor

324
00:14:03,945 --> 00:14:06,467
Dating everywhere
'cause she wants some more

325
00:14:06,545 --> 00:14:10,000
What, yeah,
oh, we're going to, yeah...

326
00:14:11,411 --> 00:14:13,536
Hey, Tom,
I'm just printing out these health tips.

327
00:14:13,611 --> 00:14:15,009
Can you grab them for me?

328
00:14:15,078 --> 00:14:18,135
One second. I'm just looking
at some real estate listings.

329
00:14:18,745 --> 00:14:20,608
Oh, this is perfect for us.

330
00:14:20,678 --> 00:14:23,667
Three-bedroom, and...
Oh, God, Les.

331
00:14:24,912 --> 00:14:26,810
It has that dream closet
you've always wanted.

332
00:14:26,878 --> 00:14:27,901
A walk-in closet.

333
00:14:27,978 --> 00:14:28,966
Oh, God.

334
00:14:29,045 --> 00:14:32,011
Hey, hey, boo.
What's wrong?

335
00:14:32,112 --> 00:14:35,566
Where did you go?
Come back to me.

336
00:14:35,645 --> 00:14:36,702
Stop it.

337
00:14:36,778 --> 00:14:39,040
Don't disappear on me.
I need you, boo.

338
00:14:41,678 --> 00:14:45,804
All right. Let's get into it.
What do you guys have for health tips?

339
00:14:45,878 --> 00:14:48,037
Ben, if it's okay
with you, Leslie and I

340
00:14:48,112 --> 00:14:49,577
are going to lead
the meeting today,

341
00:14:49,645 --> 00:14:51,941
because of our deep
spiritual connection.

342
00:14:52,478 --> 00:14:55,808
Okay. All right.
Is everything okay or...

343
00:14:55,878 --> 00:14:56,935
Oh, yeah.
Okay.

344
00:14:57,012 --> 00:14:58,375
Everything is great, Ben.

345
00:14:58,444 --> 00:15:02,207
Les and I just had something
magical happen today at lunch.

346
00:15:03,012 --> 00:15:05,500
There is some weird juju
in this room right now.

347
00:15:05,711 --> 00:15:09,041
Office yoga. We do stretches
at our desk or next to our desk

348
00:15:09,112 --> 00:15:11,771
or in a chair.
Always good for you.

349
00:15:13,278 --> 00:15:16,211
We give everyone pedometers
and we have a contest.

350
00:15:16,278 --> 00:15:18,710
Whoever takes
the most steps wins a prize.

351
00:15:19,678 --> 00:15:21,405
Anything to get
their heart rate up.

352
00:15:21,678 --> 00:15:23,667
You know what else
gets people's heart rate up?

353
00:15:24,778 --> 00:15:25,766
Doing it.

354
00:15:26,344 --> 00:15:28,640
Talking about
sex with my boss.

355
00:15:31,344 --> 00:15:33,038
Can you excuse us for a second?
Yeah.

356
00:15:33,112 --> 00:15:35,101
Hey. Can I talk to you for a second?

357
00:15:35,179 --> 00:15:36,202
Let me get off the chair.

358
00:15:36,511 --> 00:15:37,943
Hey...
What is wrong with you?

359
00:15:38,078 --> 00:15:41,044
Leslie. It's the workplace. You're
being a little bit too feisty right now.

360
00:15:41,112 --> 00:15:43,703
You are being a little bit too
much of an ass right now. Okay?

361
00:15:43,778 --> 00:15:45,243
Knock it off.

362
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,444
I can't fight
this feeling anymore.

363
00:15:47,811 --> 00:15:50,538
You and I, we're dating.

364
00:15:55,078 --> 00:15:56,066
You should be so lucky.

365
00:15:56,278 --> 00:15:58,006
Leslie.
Huh?

366
00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:00,033
Tom.

367
00:16:04,411 --> 00:16:06,037
They should fix that.

368
00:16:08,211 --> 00:16:09,472
It was all just a joke.

369
00:16:09,545 --> 00:16:12,205
I can assure you, there's nothing
romantic going on between me and Tom.

370
00:16:12,278 --> 00:16:14,904
I have a very strict policy.
No office relationships,

371
00:16:15,444 --> 00:16:17,842
particularly between a
supervisor and an employee.

372
00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:21,642
The taxpayers pay us.
So, we can't have anything appearing

373
00:16:21,711 --> 00:16:22,734
even remotely scandalous.

374
00:16:22,845 --> 00:16:24,504
I'm just saying, if you can't
keep your mouth to yourself,

375
00:16:24,578 --> 00:16:25,601
I'm gonna have
to suspend you.

376
00:16:25,912 --> 00:16:26,900
I understand.

377
00:16:27,511 --> 00:16:29,636
Look. Cucumber flower.

378
00:16:30,078 --> 00:16:31,236
Wow, that's so cute.

379
00:16:32,678 --> 00:16:34,473
Wait, that's a garnish.
You're not supposed to eat that.

380
00:16:34,545 --> 00:16:35,533
What?

381
00:16:35,611 --> 00:16:37,338
So, just type up those
ones we talked about,

382
00:16:37,478 --> 00:16:39,205
and we'll get it
finalized tomorrow.

383
00:16:39,378 --> 00:16:40,366
Yep.

384
00:16:41,444 --> 00:16:42,535
Hey, Tom.
Yeah.

385
00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:47,636
What was all that
stuff with you and Leslie?

386
00:16:47,711 --> 00:16:50,336
Girl likes Indian food.
What can I say?

387
00:16:50,778 --> 00:16:53,767
Fine. We got matched up
on an online dating site.

388
00:16:53,845 --> 00:16:55,970
And I was messing
with her, she got pissed.

389
00:16:56,045 --> 00:16:58,943
So, she took me out in the hallway
and kissed me, out of revenge.

390
00:16:59,278 --> 00:17:00,335
Really?

391
00:17:00,411 --> 00:17:04,071
And as much as it pains me to
admit this, it was not disgusting.

392
00:17:04,145 --> 00:17:06,111
Okay. Well, I don't need
the details or anything.

393
00:17:06,178 --> 00:17:07,838
I'm just saying.
She knows what to do.

394
00:17:07,912 --> 00:17:09,003
All right.

395
00:17:09,078 --> 00:17:10,805
Like, I was impressed.
Yeah.

396
00:17:11,045 --> 00:17:12,840
It was stirring.

397
00:17:12,945 --> 00:17:14,638
Goodbye.
It felt like...

398
00:17:14,811 --> 00:17:15,799
Yeah.
All right.

399
00:17:15,878 --> 00:17:17,071
Just...

400
00:17:17,144 --> 00:17:18,667
Anyway, like I was saying...

401
00:17:19,144 --> 00:17:20,474
I humbly place before you

402
00:17:20,545 --> 00:17:23,011
my east-meets-west patented
Traeger Turkey Burger,

403
00:17:23,378 --> 00:17:27,310
an Asian-fusion burger made with
Willow Farms organic turkey,

404
00:17:27,378 --> 00:17:30,208
a toasted taleggio cheese crisp,
papaya chutney,

405
00:17:30,278 --> 00:17:32,574
black truffle aioli,
and microgreens

406
00:17:32,711 --> 00:17:35,007
on a gluten-free
brioche bun. Enjoy.

407
00:17:35,178 --> 00:17:36,303
Mmm.
Mmm.

408
00:17:36,378 --> 00:17:38,708
This tastes as
delicious as Beyoncé smells.

409
00:17:38,878 --> 00:17:39,969
I'm guessing.

410
00:17:40,144 --> 00:17:42,337
What is this in here?
Saffron?

411
00:17:42,411 --> 00:17:44,377
Wow! Somebody's
got a sharp palate.

412
00:17:44,444 --> 00:17:46,672
I love the umami flavor.

413
00:17:46,745 --> 00:17:48,608
Stop being
so pretentious, Kyle.

414
00:17:48,678 --> 00:17:49,666
Sorry.

415
00:17:49,745 --> 00:17:55,200
Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made
out of meat, on a bun, with nothing.

416
00:17:56,045 --> 00:17:58,704
Add ketchup if you want.
I couldn't care less.

417
00:18:00,645 --> 00:18:02,975
Ron, I am so disappointed.

418
00:18:03,045 --> 00:18:04,943
I thought that you and I were
gonna have a real challenge.

419
00:18:05,511 --> 00:18:06,738
Never mind.
This is better.

420
00:18:06,811 --> 00:18:07,799
Way better.

421
00:18:07,945 --> 00:18:09,274
Mmm. Yep.
Mmm-hmm.

422
00:18:10,144 --> 00:18:11,132
Kyle?

423
00:18:11,511 --> 00:18:12,909
Sorry, Andy.
Ron's is better.

424
00:18:13,078 --> 00:18:17,373
Damn it, Kyle. Oh, my God.
It's so much better, it's crazy.

425
00:18:18,411 --> 00:18:21,309
Turkey can never
beat cow, Chris. Sorry.

426
00:18:22,211 --> 00:18:23,472
Well, I don't understand.

427
00:18:23,545 --> 00:18:26,102
I've tinkered with
this recipe for years.

428
00:18:26,444 --> 00:18:29,342
Granted, it's been a long time
since I've had a hamburger.

429
00:18:36,511 --> 00:18:39,341
This is better.
The commissary will continue to serve

430
00:18:39,411 --> 00:18:41,434
horrifying, artery-clogging hamburgers.

431
00:18:45,545 --> 00:18:48,375
Man. We spent, like, 50 hours
working on those burgers.

432
00:18:49,012 --> 00:18:51,136
I know.
Hard work never pays off.

433
00:18:51,211 --> 00:18:52,199
Cooking is dumb.

434
00:18:53,845 --> 00:18:58,243
I swear on this dead crow that
I will never cook for you.

435
00:18:59,645 --> 00:19:01,270
I love you.

436
00:19:01,912 --> 00:19:03,935
I just wanted to make sure that
there were no hard feelings

437
00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:05,534
after I forced you
to break up with Tom.

438
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:09,469
Oh, we weren't...
No. No hard feelings.

439
00:19:09,745 --> 00:19:12,472
'Cause it's just a real bugaboo of mine.
And it applies to everyone.

440
00:19:12,711 --> 00:19:14,939
Just the other day,
Ben told me that he might

441
00:19:15,012 --> 00:19:16,568
want to socialize with
somebody from the government

442
00:19:16,645 --> 00:19:18,406
and I said, "I'm sorry.
Not possible."

443
00:19:18,811 --> 00:19:21,242
Really? Did he say who?

444
00:19:21,811 --> 00:19:25,299
No, and I didn't ask. Because it's irrelevant.
He oversees every department.

445
00:19:25,645 --> 00:19:28,736
It simply can't happen.
This is literally the best thing I've ever eaten.

446
00:19:29,344 --> 00:19:31,469
Mmm. And it's so bad for me.

447
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:34,102
I'm gonna have to jog while
I digest this. Excuse me.

448
00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:37,067
Hey. What's up?

449
00:19:37,144 --> 00:19:40,508
Hey. Well, I think
I'm allergic to chutney.

450
00:19:41,077 --> 00:19:42,543
Also, what's chutney?

451
00:19:42,945 --> 00:19:44,342
No clue.
Yeah.

452
00:19:44,411 --> 00:19:46,070
Hey, I never got to tell
you the rest of my ideas.

453
00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:48,042
You wanna go somewhere
and talk about them?

454
00:19:48,111 --> 00:19:51,669
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.
Let me get some actual food,

455
00:19:51,745 --> 00:19:56,700
and then, do you know that wildflower
mural up on the second floor?

456
00:19:57,144 --> 00:19:58,167
Mmm-hmm.

457
00:19:58,244 --> 00:19:59,938
Yeah? You wanna meet there?

458
00:20:01,011 --> 00:20:01,999
Yeah.
Okay.

459
00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:03,065
Sounds good.

460
00:20:03,511 --> 00:20:05,443
I don't know if
the online thing is for me.

461
00:20:05,912 --> 00:20:08,241
I prefer to meet
people in person.

462
00:20:08,878 --> 00:20:11,901
It's like door number two
on Let's Make a Deal.

463
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:15,400
Do you want
the thing that you have,

464
00:20:15,545 --> 00:20:18,067
that you know you like,
but isn't perfect,

465
00:20:19,211 --> 00:20:21,734
or do you give it up for
what's behind door number two?

466
00:20:24,211 --> 00:20:25,541
I think I like what I have.

467
00:20:27,011 --> 00:20:28,807
I'm gonna try to
make it work with Tom.

468
00:20:30,545 --> 00:20:31,533
I'm kidding!

469
00:20:33,411 --> 00:20:36,639
All right, be honest, Tom.
How did you and I get matched up?

470
00:20:36,977 --> 00:20:38,500
I made 26 profiles,

471
00:20:38,578 --> 00:20:40,373
each designed to attract
a different type of girl.

472
00:20:41,144 --> 00:20:43,076
Tom A. Haverford.
Sporty and sexy.

473
00:20:43,811 --> 00:20:46,402
Tom B. Haverford,
smooth and soulful.

474
00:20:46,845 --> 00:20:48,310
Which letter did you get?

475
00:20:48,378 --> 00:20:50,003
N, Tom N. Haverford.

476
00:20:50,211 --> 00:20:52,700
The N
stands for nerd!

477
00:20:52,778 --> 00:20:54,970
I never even check that one,
'cause no one ever responds to it.

478
00:20:55,044 --> 00:20:56,101
Okay. Well, whatever.

479
00:20:56,178 --> 00:20:58,337
Tom N. Haverford
collects globes.

480
00:20:58,411 --> 00:20:59,468
Great. That's enough.

481
00:20:59,545 --> 00:21:01,602
His favorite movie
is books.

482
00:21:02,044 --> 00:21:03,032
Donna?

483
00:21:07,578 --> 00:21:09,737
Every time I want you
to shut up, from now on.