1 00:00:01,068 --> 00:00:02,331 Hey, Leslie. Hey. 2 00:00:02,404 --> 00:00:05,035 Thank you for that year-over-year maintenance cost analysis. 3 00:00:05,110 --> 00:00:06,408 That was really helpful. You're so welcome. 4 00:00:06,479 --> 00:00:08,415 I was thinking about you when I wrote it. 5 00:00:08,483 --> 00:00:10,214 'Cause I was, um... 6 00:00:11,222 --> 00:00:13,158 'Cause I told you I wanted to read it? 7 00:00:13,226 --> 00:00:14,285 Yeah. 8 00:00:14,361 --> 00:00:15,522 That's a good reason. 9 00:00:15,597 --> 00:00:18,262 Anyway, Chris wants to see us in his office. 10 00:00:18,336 --> 00:00:19,463 I guess we should head over there. 11 00:00:19,538 --> 00:00:20,563 All right. All right. 12 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:21,665 All right, cool. Great. 13 00:00:21,742 --> 00:00:23,712 See you there. I'll see you there, Benjamin. Ben. 14 00:00:24,181 --> 00:00:25,444 All right, "Lesliemin." 15 00:00:25,517 --> 00:00:26,712 Leslie. 16 00:00:27,888 --> 00:00:28,948 Hi, Ben. 17 00:00:30,126 --> 00:00:31,560 Oh, hey, Ann. 18 00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:36,736 Wow! That was the most sexual tension 19 00:00:36,806 --> 00:00:39,505 I have ever seen in a conversation about documents. 20 00:00:39,578 --> 00:00:40,637 It can't happen. 21 00:00:40,714 --> 00:00:41,875 We could both get fired. 22 00:00:41,950 --> 00:00:43,714 That's a dumb rule. I know! 23 00:00:43,786 --> 00:00:45,119 Well, if you have to follow it, 24 00:00:45,323 --> 00:00:50,789 I would just suggest avoiding one-on-one, tension-y situations with him. 25 00:00:51,102 --> 00:00:52,798 You're right. Good plan. 26 00:00:53,006 --> 00:00:55,306 I am sending you two on a trip. 27 00:00:56,579 --> 00:00:57,638 Really? Really? 28 00:00:57,714 --> 00:01:00,208 The Indiana Little League Baseball Tournament is upon us, 29 00:01:00,286 --> 00:01:02,722 and Pawnee hasn't hosted it in 20 years. 30 00:01:03,159 --> 00:01:06,791 So, I would like you two to go to Indianapolis and state our case, 31 00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:09,838 because you two are my dynamic duo. 32 00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:12,171 Right here. Ah... 33 00:01:12,310 --> 00:01:14,337 Ah... 34 00:01:14,415 --> 00:01:15,474 And go team! Yep. 35 00:01:35,824 --> 00:01:38,295 Ann, everything you have is too sexy. 36 00:01:38,362 --> 00:01:40,355 This is actually the dress that Julia Roberts wore 37 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:41,696 as a prostitute in Pretty Woman. 38 00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,500 I know. I look really good in it. 39 00:01:43,573 --> 00:01:45,475 I need, like, a sweat suit or something. 40 00:01:45,543 --> 00:01:48,037 I need to send out a signal that nothing is gonna happen. 41 00:01:48,116 --> 00:01:49,744 Oh, this is insane. 42 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:52,381 It's so obvious you're dying to be together. 43 00:01:52,457 --> 00:01:53,686 And now you're going on a road trip? 44 00:01:53,759 --> 00:01:56,026 I mean, you guys could literally "get a room." 45 00:01:56,098 --> 00:01:57,726 Yeah, and I could literally get "a-fired." 46 00:01:57,801 --> 00:02:00,238 All right, I will help you anti-seduce him. 47 00:02:00,306 --> 00:02:02,242 Just tell me what else you need. 48 00:02:02,310 --> 00:02:05,043 I need to think of unsexy, boring conversation topics 49 00:02:05,116 --> 00:02:06,311 we can talk about in the car. 50 00:02:06,585 --> 00:02:08,316 I have a few ideas. 51 00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:11,657 We could discuss The New Yorker article "The History of the Ladder." 52 00:02:11,762 --> 00:02:12,821 Okay. 53 00:02:12,898 --> 00:02:15,870 We could talk about different dorms at Johns Hopkins University, 54 00:02:16,172 --> 00:02:18,699 and I could read from my Sonicare booklet. 55 00:02:19,211 --> 00:02:20,509 Oh, I have a good idea! What? 56 00:02:20,580 --> 00:02:22,140 Why don't you ask him about his penis? 57 00:02:26,759 --> 00:02:28,888 Pawnee Zoo, monkey speaking. 58 00:02:30,533 --> 00:02:33,266 Okay! Everyone stop what you're doing 59 00:02:33,339 --> 00:02:34,898 and come with me. All four of you. 60 00:02:34,976 --> 00:02:36,672 Where are you going? Leslie's not here today. 61 00:02:36,745 --> 00:02:38,146 No boss. We can do whatever we want. 62 00:02:38,749 --> 00:02:39,842 I'm your boss. 63 00:02:41,121 --> 00:02:42,180 That's a good one, Ron. 64 00:02:42,290 --> 00:02:44,385 Let's go. Seriously. Come on. 65 00:02:44,628 --> 00:02:45,891 Here's the sitch. 66 00:02:45,965 --> 00:02:47,831 I developed a dope new game show 67 00:02:47,969 --> 00:02:49,870 where I ask couples scandalous questions, 68 00:02:49,939 --> 00:02:51,771 and they have to guess what the other one answered. 69 00:02:51,842 --> 00:02:54,279 I call this Know Ya Boo. 70 00:02:54,514 --> 00:02:56,143 Oh, that sounds like The Newlywed Game. 71 00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:58,848 Shut up, Jerry! It's not The Newlywed Game, okay? 72 00:02:59,124 --> 00:03:01,526 It is totally The Newlywed Game. 73 00:03:01,595 --> 00:03:03,394 But big deal. Everyone steals. 74 00:03:03,466 --> 00:03:06,370 My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing, with Nick Cannon, 75 00:03:06,438 --> 00:03:08,169 which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, 76 00:03:08,242 --> 00:03:10,371 which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer or something, 77 00:03:10,446 --> 00:03:11,972 which I think was Shakespeare. 78 00:03:12,050 --> 00:03:13,780 Don't know, don't care. 79 00:03:13,853 --> 00:03:16,416 And what exactly do you plan on doing with this game show idea? 80 00:03:16,492 --> 00:03:18,086 Are you going to shove it up your butt? 81 00:03:18,162 --> 00:03:19,152 No. 82 00:03:19,231 --> 00:03:22,328 I'm gonna test it out on you four bing-bongs and work out the kinks, 83 00:03:22,437 --> 00:03:25,238 then hire actual attractive people, and make a demo. 84 00:03:25,543 --> 00:03:27,570 What network is gonna buy a game show from you? 85 00:03:27,781 --> 00:03:30,948 There's a million networks out there, and they all need programming. 86 00:03:31,021 --> 00:03:35,621 Spike, G4, GSN, Fuse, WOW, Boom, Zip, Kablam, 87 00:03:35,697 --> 00:03:37,860 Slurp, Slurp Latin, Slurp HD. 88 00:03:37,935 --> 00:03:39,563 I love Slurp HD. 89 00:03:39,638 --> 00:03:41,369 Have you guys seen Ultimate Battle Smoothie? 90 00:03:41,442 --> 00:03:43,105 That's a dope show. Oh, my God. 91 00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:45,843 Yeah, so, basically every dorm allows bed lofting, 92 00:03:45,918 --> 00:03:48,913 but the students have really taken to it at Wolman and McCoy. 93 00:03:48,990 --> 00:03:50,720 Did you go to Johns Hopkins? 94 00:03:50,994 --> 00:03:52,053 No. 95 00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,658 Do you wanna play some music? 96 00:03:55,737 --> 00:03:59,006 Sure! Ann and I burned an awesome CD for the trip. 97 00:03:59,144 --> 00:04:01,444 Jimmy Carter's "Crisis of Confidence" speech, 98 00:04:01,515 --> 00:04:03,280 Learning to Speak Mandarin, 99 00:04:03,352 --> 00:04:06,347 16 minutes of Old Timey Car Horn, 100 00:04:06,425 --> 00:04:09,956 and something called Banjo Boogie Bonanza. 101 00:04:14,474 --> 00:04:16,376 It's an amazing instrument, the banjo. 102 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:20,452 Yeah. I didn't realize it could be this loud. 103 00:04:23,793 --> 00:04:25,194 Hello? 104 00:04:26,098 --> 00:04:27,430 Hello? 105 00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:29,565 Can I help you? 106 00:04:29,638 --> 00:04:31,369 Hi. My class is here on a field trip, 107 00:04:31,442 --> 00:04:33,776 and I'm supposed to interview someone for a school project. 108 00:04:33,846 --> 00:04:35,509 Okay. 109 00:04:35,583 --> 00:04:36,984 You can wait at that table, 110 00:04:37,053 --> 00:04:40,116 and someone will be here sometime. 111 00:04:41,128 --> 00:04:42,790 But aren't you here now? 112 00:04:43,967 --> 00:04:45,265 No. 113 00:04:48,944 --> 00:04:51,779 It's time to know your... 114 00:04:53,954 --> 00:04:55,320 I don't have the instrumental backing track yet, 115 00:04:55,389 --> 00:04:56,379 but it's gonna say "boo" right there. 116 00:04:56,692 --> 00:04:58,787 Hey, everybody! 117 00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:01,391 Welcome to Know Ya Boo. I'm your host, Tom Haverford, 118 00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:05,237 and with me as always is my CGI puppy co-host, 119 00:05:05,309 --> 00:05:06,641 Bobby the Boo! 120 00:05:06,913 --> 00:05:08,347 Hey, everybody! 121 00:05:08,716 --> 00:05:10,481 All right, let's get to it. 122 00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:11,947 First question. 123 00:05:12,023 --> 00:05:14,858 Fellas, which rock star would your lady bang 124 00:05:14,929 --> 00:05:17,263 if she could bang one rock star? 125 00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:18,767 Jerry! 126 00:05:19,070 --> 00:05:23,135 I believe I have heard Donna talk about Prince, a lot. 127 00:05:23,212 --> 00:05:24,305 What'd your boo say? 128 00:05:27,186 --> 00:05:28,484 Impressive! 129 00:05:28,556 --> 00:05:30,219 All right, Andy, 130 00:05:30,293 --> 00:05:31,922 which rock star would your lady get with? 131 00:05:31,996 --> 00:05:35,162 Um, this is almost too easy. Me! 132 00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:36,760 Let's check in with your boo! 133 00:05:37,807 --> 00:05:39,208 Yay! Oh! 134 00:05:40,446 --> 00:05:41,471 Sorry. 135 00:05:41,548 --> 00:05:43,313 Who is Jeff Mangum? 136 00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:44,785 The guy from Neutral Milk Hotel. 137 00:05:44,854 --> 00:05:46,346 Oh! Oh. 138 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,387 Neutral Milk Hotel. What is that? 139 00:05:49,464 --> 00:05:52,265 That's my favorite band. I've told you that, like, a thousand times. 140 00:05:52,337 --> 00:05:53,498 I don't remember. 141 00:05:53,572 --> 00:05:54,767 Why wouldn't you pick me? 142 00:05:54,976 --> 00:05:57,276 I don't know. You're not technically a rock star. 143 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,109 Booyah! 144 00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:01,086 Somebody don't know their boo! 145 00:06:01,154 --> 00:06:03,454 That's the sound bite that's gonna play when a fight breaks out. 146 00:06:04,461 --> 00:06:08,231 Look, little girl, can we postpone this for another day? 147 00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,596 It's unsettling having you just sit there. 148 00:06:10,673 --> 00:06:12,609 But my report's due tomorrow. 149 00:06:12,744 --> 00:06:15,079 What's it on? Why government matters. 150 00:06:15,951 --> 00:06:17,112 Really? 151 00:06:17,186 --> 00:06:21,092 It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet 152 00:06:21,161 --> 00:06:23,427 that suckles on a taxpayer's teat 153 00:06:23,565 --> 00:06:25,865 until they have sore, chapped nipples. 154 00:06:29,077 --> 00:06:32,709 I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine-year-old. 155 00:06:32,817 --> 00:06:34,150 What's your name, ma'am? 156 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:35,413 Lauren Burkiss. 157 00:06:35,489 --> 00:06:38,586 Lauren, my name is Ron Swanson, 158 00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:41,297 and I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know 159 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:45,034 about the miserable, screwed-up world of local government. 160 00:06:45,609 --> 00:06:47,078 You have mustard in your mustache. 161 00:06:47,714 --> 00:06:50,652 Don't sass me, Burkiss. Let's get started. 162 00:06:51,121 --> 00:06:54,651 "Life, liberty, and property." That's John Locke. 163 00:06:57,968 --> 00:06:59,163 What is this? 164 00:06:59,604 --> 00:07:00,799 Whale sounds. 165 00:07:01,141 --> 00:07:02,200 Okay. 166 00:07:02,276 --> 00:07:03,869 You can change it if you want. 167 00:07:03,947 --> 00:07:05,176 Yeah? 168 00:07:07,921 --> 00:07:09,048 What the hell? 169 00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:10,387 Oh, no, no, no. This is such a great song. 170 00:07:12,230 --> 00:07:15,100 Yeah, I snuck an Al Green song in there. 171 00:07:15,937 --> 00:07:17,405 I want them to get together. 172 00:07:17,473 --> 00:07:18,839 Sue me. 173 00:07:18,910 --> 00:07:21,142 Did you see this? According to their rules, 174 00:07:21,214 --> 00:07:23,343 we may not have enough hotel rooms within city limits. 175 00:07:23,418 --> 00:07:25,149 I know. It's a silly rule. 176 00:07:25,222 --> 00:07:27,522 But maybe they'll be reasonable and not care. 177 00:07:27,593 --> 00:07:29,085 Yeah, maybe we could just point out to them 178 00:07:29,164 --> 00:07:31,396 there are tons of hotel rooms just outside city limits. 179 00:07:31,468 --> 00:07:32,458 Uh-huh. 180 00:07:32,938 --> 00:07:34,965 Have you been to the Granville Hotel and Spa? 181 00:07:35,109 --> 00:07:36,168 Uh-uh. 182 00:07:36,244 --> 00:07:38,077 They have the softest towels. 183 00:07:38,148 --> 00:07:40,641 Oh, I gotta tell you. I love a nice towel in my life. 184 00:07:40,719 --> 00:07:41,744 Me too. I know. 185 00:07:41,822 --> 00:07:43,223 I mean, it's the simplest luxury, 186 00:07:43,358 --> 00:07:44,758 but it makes all the difference. 187 00:07:44,861 --> 00:07:47,765 Their bath mats are amazing. It's like stepping on a lamb. 188 00:07:50,372 --> 00:07:53,071 Oh, hold on. Hey, come here. 189 00:07:53,612 --> 00:07:56,607 You've got an eyelash on your face. 190 00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:58,746 I got it. Make a wish. 191 00:07:58,822 --> 00:08:01,293 Learning to speak Mandarin. Unit three. 192 00:08:01,361 --> 00:08:03,058 Get away from me. Sorry. 193 00:08:03,131 --> 00:08:04,690 I'm sorry. Sorry. 194 00:08:06,338 --> 00:08:07,601 I'm allergic to fingers. 195 00:08:07,673 --> 00:08:09,336 Where are you going? 196 00:08:10,546 --> 00:08:13,040 Maybe we should just not talk to each other for the rest of the trip, 197 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:15,645 and I'm just gonna concentrate on the presentation. 198 00:08:15,723 --> 00:08:16,850 Okay. 199 00:08:16,926 --> 00:08:18,189 This is my little brother. 200 00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:25,832 Next up. The delegation from Pawnee, please? 201 00:08:25,944 --> 00:08:27,344 And, so, as you can see, 202 00:08:27,413 --> 00:08:30,385 Pawnee has 12 beautiful baseball diamonds, 203 00:08:30,653 --> 00:08:32,486 and our seats have extra cushioning 204 00:08:32,857 --> 00:08:35,192 due to the massive size of our average citizen. 205 00:08:35,262 --> 00:08:37,232 I have to bring up what happened 206 00:08:37,300 --> 00:08:39,770 the last time Pawnee hosted this tournament. 207 00:08:39,837 --> 00:08:40,931 No, you don't. 208 00:08:41,241 --> 00:08:44,236 Good evening. We begin with our first story tonight. 209 00:08:44,314 --> 00:08:47,844 They're cute, they're cuddly, but now they're wreaking havoc 210 00:08:47,921 --> 00:08:49,412 at the State Little League Championship. 211 00:08:49,791 --> 00:08:51,818 Pawnee's raccoon infestation. 212 00:08:52,296 --> 00:08:55,700 Have these little bandits stolen our sense of safety? 213 00:08:56,871 --> 00:08:59,206 The raccoon problem is under control. 214 00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:01,645 They have their part of the town, and we have ours. 215 00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:04,881 Muncie is larger. Bloomington is more central. 216 00:09:04,955 --> 00:09:06,982 What's the advantage of doing it in Pawnee? 217 00:09:07,059 --> 00:09:10,828 The advantage is that it's a wonderful city. 218 00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:14,738 I mean, look, I've been to 40-some-odd towns in Indiana, 219 00:09:15,542 --> 00:09:17,444 and Pawnee is special. 220 00:09:17,780 --> 00:09:20,149 I mean, the people are passionate and kind. 221 00:09:20,219 --> 00:09:23,885 They love their city. They take pride in their work. 222 00:09:25,729 --> 00:09:28,166 It's a very, very special place. 223 00:09:32,911 --> 00:09:35,381 Hey, it's Tom Haverford back here with Know Ya Boo. 224 00:09:35,516 --> 00:09:37,349 Let's move to the next question. 225 00:09:37,653 --> 00:09:40,682 Where is your favorite place to smush your boo? 226 00:09:40,826 --> 00:09:42,227 Donna! 227 00:09:42,363 --> 00:09:43,797 Back of my Benz? 228 00:09:43,865 --> 00:09:45,061 Let's check in with your boo! 229 00:09:46,204 --> 00:09:48,106 He said, "Her Mercedes"! 230 00:09:49,243 --> 00:09:51,213 Jerry and Donna on fire. 231 00:09:51,381 --> 00:09:52,371 April? 232 00:09:52,450 --> 00:09:53,440 This question is gross. 233 00:09:53,518 --> 00:09:55,681 That's kind of the point. What's your answer? 234 00:09:55,924 --> 00:09:58,190 In our bed, I guess. 235 00:09:58,261 --> 00:09:59,251 Andy? 236 00:09:59,597 --> 00:10:01,226 Where's your boo's favorite place to smush? 237 00:10:03,906 --> 00:10:05,772 Get over it. No, you get over it. 238 00:10:05,843 --> 00:10:07,039 You like some other dude's band more than me. 239 00:10:07,113 --> 00:10:09,015 Do you even think Mouse Rat is the greatest band in the world? 240 00:10:09,083 --> 00:10:10,108 'Cause it's starting to not feel that way. 241 00:10:10,185 --> 00:10:11,483 That band is really important to me. 242 00:10:11,554 --> 00:10:13,114 And, honestly, I've asked you to listen to them, 243 00:10:13,191 --> 00:10:15,127 like, a million times, and you never have, so... 244 00:10:15,195 --> 00:10:17,665 'Cause their music is sad, and depressing, and weird. 245 00:10:17,733 --> 00:10:22,072 And art is supposed to be happy and fun, and everyone knows that. 246 00:10:22,877 --> 00:10:25,007 You know what? Whatever. Forget it. 247 00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:28,315 Fine, forget it. 248 00:10:28,388 --> 00:10:30,688 Damn! This game's got juice. 249 00:10:31,161 --> 00:10:33,154 This is your lunch. 250 00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:37,763 Now, you should be able to do whatever you want to with this, right? 251 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,400 If you wanna eat all of it, great. 252 00:10:39,477 --> 00:10:42,881 If you wanna throw it away in the garbage, that's your prerogative. 253 00:10:42,951 --> 00:10:45,649 But here I come, the government, 254 00:10:49,764 --> 00:10:52,668 and I get to take 40 percent of your lunch. 255 00:10:55,008 --> 00:10:57,570 And that, Lauren, is how taxes work. 256 00:10:58,048 --> 00:10:59,141 But that's not fair. 257 00:10:59,217 --> 00:11:00,276 You're learning. 258 00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:01,748 Uh-oh. 259 00:11:02,089 --> 00:11:03,751 Capital gains tax. 260 00:11:05,629 --> 00:11:07,496 Well, Chris says congratulations 261 00:11:07,566 --> 00:11:09,695 and that together we're unstoppable. 262 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,706 Wow, cheers, sir! Yup. 263 00:11:11,774 --> 00:11:13,073 You did it. No, you did it. 264 00:11:13,144 --> 00:11:15,205 No, normally I do it. 265 00:11:15,282 --> 00:11:16,443 This time, you did it. 266 00:11:16,517 --> 00:11:18,282 Well, all right. You should take the praise. 267 00:11:18,355 --> 00:11:19,516 Can I get a shot of you guys? 268 00:11:19,624 --> 00:11:20,957 Yeah. Sure. 269 00:11:23,732 --> 00:11:26,795 Hey, when this thing's over, do you wanna grab some dinner? 270 00:11:26,871 --> 00:11:28,272 Chris recommended a place. 271 00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:30,610 Sure. Yeah? 272 00:11:31,714 --> 00:11:34,447 Hey, we were thinking about going to dinner, photographer. 273 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,217 You want in? You wanna grab some grub? 274 00:11:36,357 --> 00:11:37,586 Uh, no, thanks. 275 00:11:37,693 --> 00:11:39,390 They have great burgers. 276 00:11:39,463 --> 00:11:41,057 Well, you don't even know where we're going yet. 277 00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:42,727 I'm sure they have great burgers there, though. 278 00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:45,297 Come on, photographer. Last chance. 279 00:11:47,413 --> 00:11:49,110 Okay. Well, then, it's just us then. 280 00:11:49,183 --> 00:11:51,916 Yeah. Sure. Okay. I tried. 281 00:11:52,256 --> 00:11:55,888 And that, Lauren, is how FDR ruined this country. 282 00:11:55,963 --> 00:11:58,365 Lauren, ready to head back? 283 00:11:58,435 --> 00:12:01,202 Well, I guess it's time for you to head home. 284 00:12:01,274 --> 00:12:02,765 I've really enjoyed talking with you. 285 00:12:03,445 --> 00:12:05,608 You are, and this is not a joke, 286 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:09,020 much smarter than most of the people who work in this building. 287 00:12:09,390 --> 00:12:11,724 I liked talking with you, too, Mr. Swanson. 288 00:12:11,828 --> 00:12:13,195 Ron. 289 00:12:13,631 --> 00:12:15,966 Hang on, hang on, I have something for you. 290 00:12:18,007 --> 00:12:20,603 This is a Claymore land mine. 291 00:12:21,147 --> 00:12:23,583 Use that to protect your property. 292 00:12:23,651 --> 00:12:24,676 Thanks, Ron. 293 00:12:24,820 --> 00:12:25,879 You got it. 294 00:12:28,561 --> 00:12:31,465 Tommy Hilfiger iPhone app, finally. 295 00:12:31,534 --> 00:12:34,028 Hey, your stupid Know Your Boo game 296 00:12:34,106 --> 00:12:35,574 made me and Andy get in a big fight. 297 00:12:36,177 --> 00:12:38,670 He just sold his guitar, and he's, like, quitting music now. 298 00:12:39,083 --> 00:12:40,244 What do you want me to do about it? 299 00:12:41,687 --> 00:12:44,591 Okay, welcome to the super awesome bonus lightning round. 300 00:12:44,961 --> 00:12:45,986 First question. 301 00:12:46,063 --> 00:12:49,524 Andy, who did your boo say makes the best mac and cheese 302 00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:50,662 in the universe? 303 00:12:51,174 --> 00:12:53,167 The universe? 304 00:12:55,917 --> 00:12:57,749 Kraft? April said... 305 00:13:00,258 --> 00:13:02,387 Best couple ever. You just won 50 points. 306 00:13:02,463 --> 00:13:03,692 Wait, why? We got it wrong. 307 00:13:03,765 --> 00:13:05,598 Next lightning round thing. 308 00:13:05,669 --> 00:13:09,940 Who is the number one Colts fan in the world? 309 00:13:12,349 --> 00:13:15,617 Wait a minute. You set this whole thing up so I would be un-mad at you. 310 00:13:15,689 --> 00:13:17,886 Well, guess what, ain't gonna work. 311 00:13:18,161 --> 00:13:21,531 You figured out April's trying to trick you. That's worth 100 points. 312 00:13:23,171 --> 00:13:25,038 Wait. No. 313 00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:26,599 Goodbye. 314 00:13:30,652 --> 00:13:32,713 You were really great in that presentation today. 315 00:13:32,823 --> 00:13:33,882 Oh, thanks. 316 00:13:33,959 --> 00:13:35,427 I liked the stuff you said about Pawnee. 317 00:13:35,495 --> 00:13:37,226 That was really nice to hear. 318 00:13:37,299 --> 00:13:41,205 You know, Pawnee is a really special town. I love living there. 319 00:13:41,975 --> 00:13:43,136 And... 320 00:13:44,613 --> 00:13:47,107 And I look forward to the moments in my day where I... 321 00:13:47,921 --> 00:13:50,721 Where I get to hang out with the town 322 00:13:50,792 --> 00:13:53,389 and talk to the town about stuff. 323 00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:56,563 And the town has really nice blond hair, too, 324 00:13:56,637 --> 00:13:59,575 and has read a shocking number of political biographies 325 00:13:59,643 --> 00:14:01,078 for a town, which I like. 326 00:14:02,316 --> 00:14:03,716 Oh, God. I'm sorry. 327 00:14:03,785 --> 00:14:07,623 And I know we can get into trouble, but I can't take this anymore, 328 00:14:07,693 --> 00:14:09,526 and I feel like we have to at least talk about it. 329 00:14:10,432 --> 00:14:12,766 I mean, it's not just me, right? 330 00:14:14,273 --> 00:14:15,936 No, it's not just you. 331 00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,186 Oh, God. 332 00:14:22,255 --> 00:14:23,416 What? Are you... 333 00:14:23,491 --> 00:14:25,085 Are you all right? Perfect. 334 00:14:25,161 --> 00:14:26,629 I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, 335 00:14:26,697 --> 00:14:28,223 you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. 336 00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:30,498 I'm going to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as I like to call it. 337 00:14:30,572 --> 00:14:32,907 And I'm not calling Ann, so... 338 00:14:33,378 --> 00:14:35,007 Ann, we have a serious code Ben. 339 00:14:35,081 --> 00:14:37,142 Well, it's not really code if you say his name. 340 00:14:37,219 --> 00:14:38,448 He told me that he liked me, 341 00:14:38,521 --> 00:14:41,516 and I'm gonna go make out with him right now. On his face. 342 00:14:41,594 --> 00:14:42,584 That's awesome! 343 00:14:42,663 --> 00:14:43,653 No, no. 344 00:14:43,731 --> 00:14:45,701 Read me the script. Seriously? 345 00:14:45,769 --> 00:14:46,828 Yes! All right. 346 00:14:48,508 --> 00:14:50,705 "Leslie, it's Leslie Knope from the Parks Department 347 00:14:50,779 --> 00:14:53,512 "speaking to you through Ann Perkins, friend and beautiful nurse." 348 00:14:53,818 --> 00:14:54,912 Thank you. 349 00:14:54,988 --> 00:14:56,251 "Do not do anything with Ben. 350 00:14:56,323 --> 00:14:58,691 "Be responsible, no matter how cute his mouth is. 351 00:14:58,962 --> 00:15:00,726 "Your job is on the line!" 352 00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:02,496 Shut up, Ann! You wrote that. 353 00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,469 No, you... Then, Leslie, 354 00:15:04,606 --> 00:15:06,508 Leslie, you don't know what you're talking about. 355 00:15:06,777 --> 00:15:08,269 I care about him very much, 356 00:15:08,347 --> 00:15:10,214 and I've had two and a half glasses of red wine, 357 00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:12,312 and what that means is I'm gonna go make out with him right now, 358 00:15:12,389 --> 00:15:13,379 and it's gonna be awesome. 359 00:15:13,558 --> 00:15:14,821 Yay! 360 00:15:14,961 --> 00:15:16,691 No, you're supposed to talk me out of this. 361 00:15:16,764 --> 00:15:18,529 No. Don't. Stop. 362 00:15:18,735 --> 00:15:20,204 Shut up, Ann, I'm doing it anyway. 363 00:15:20,305 --> 00:15:21,432 Yay! 364 00:15:24,646 --> 00:15:25,979 Leslie! 365 00:15:28,956 --> 00:15:33,260 When Ben told me that you had won the bid, I was wildly ecstatic, 366 00:15:33,331 --> 00:15:35,164 and I had to come up here and celebrate with you. 367 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,967 There is literally nothing in this world that you cannot do. 368 00:15:38,641 --> 00:15:40,976 So, what's the plan now? Should we take a long walk? 369 00:15:42,449 --> 00:15:43,474 Mini-golf. 370 00:15:43,551 --> 00:15:44,712 I'll probably... 371 00:15:44,787 --> 00:15:46,917 Shouldn't we just go back to Pawnee? Yeah. 372 00:15:46,992 --> 00:15:49,964 Nonsense. There's no reason to drive all the way back home. 373 00:15:50,031 --> 00:15:52,024 I've got a perfectly good condo right here in the city. 374 00:15:52,235 --> 00:15:53,635 Oh, we couldn't put you out like that. 375 00:15:53,704 --> 00:15:55,902 Double nonsense. I would love to have you stay with me. 376 00:15:55,976 --> 00:15:57,274 Leslie, you can take the guest room, 377 00:15:57,345 --> 00:16:00,806 and, Ben, you have to sleep on my couch. 378 00:16:00,885 --> 00:16:04,347 It is literally the comfiest couch you've ever been on. 379 00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:09,959 This is weird. 380 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:12,435 We're on Chris' couch. 381 00:16:12,576 --> 00:16:13,771 Yep, we are. 382 00:16:13,845 --> 00:16:15,975 And I'm wearing his clothes. 383 00:16:20,692 --> 00:16:22,286 Well... Well... 384 00:16:23,664 --> 00:16:25,725 Sorry, I keep myself very well hydrated, 385 00:16:25,835 --> 00:16:28,204 and my bladder is the size of a thimble. 386 00:16:28,274 --> 00:16:30,506 I urinate roughly 12 times a night. 387 00:16:32,315 --> 00:16:34,751 I think I might go to bed, too, actually. 388 00:16:34,853 --> 00:16:36,413 Oh, yeah? 389 00:16:36,490 --> 00:16:37,788 Okay. 390 00:16:38,962 --> 00:16:40,430 Well, look... 391 00:16:41,935 --> 00:16:44,531 Good job, again, today. It was... 392 00:16:44,606 --> 00:16:46,007 You, too. Really? 393 00:16:46,076 --> 00:16:47,169 Yeah. 394 00:16:47,245 --> 00:16:49,613 Well, that was quick and to the point. Here's a tip. 395 00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:52,613 The key to a healthy urethra, radishes. 396 00:16:52,722 --> 00:16:54,955 Good, I'm gonna go to bed. 397 00:16:55,028 --> 00:16:56,587 Good night. Good night. 398 00:16:56,965 --> 00:16:59,265 Well, now I'm up. You wanna Boggle? 399 00:17:02,008 --> 00:17:03,738 Are you Ron Swanson? I am. 400 00:17:03,811 --> 00:17:05,781 Okay, what exactly did you teach my daughter? 401 00:17:06,050 --> 00:17:07,712 You must be Mrs. Burkiss. 402 00:17:07,786 --> 00:17:10,918 Lauren was supposed to do a paper on why government matters. 403 00:17:10,993 --> 00:17:12,427 This is what she wrote. 404 00:17:14,399 --> 00:17:17,030 "It doesn't." Well said. 405 00:17:17,105 --> 00:17:18,835 Is this a joke? No, ma'am. 406 00:17:18,909 --> 00:17:21,175 I legitimately believe that. I'm a libertarian. 407 00:17:21,246 --> 00:17:23,682 Oh, that's nice. Well, she is a fourth grader. 408 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:25,311 And fourth graders aren't supposed to have 409 00:17:25,388 --> 00:17:26,879 their heads crammed full of weird ideas. 410 00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:29,554 They're supposed to do cute reports and get gold stars. 411 00:17:29,730 --> 00:17:30,960 I'm very sorry. I was only... 412 00:17:31,066 --> 00:17:32,261 And you ate her lunch? 413 00:17:32,335 --> 00:17:35,796 And you gave her a land mine? Really? 414 00:17:35,976 --> 00:17:39,278 Well, it seemed appropriate at the time. 415 00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:40,681 I... How? 416 00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:48,330 You know this is my house, right? 417 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:49,596 Yeah, hi. 418 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:50,966 Do you wanna come in? 419 00:17:52,842 --> 00:17:54,141 You okay? No. 420 00:17:54,212 --> 00:17:56,079 Andy is totally mad at me right now, 421 00:17:56,150 --> 00:17:57,675 and I don't know how to deal with him. 422 00:17:57,752 --> 00:17:59,051 So I thought I would ask you. 423 00:17:59,122 --> 00:18:01,422 You know, Andy and I broke up so long ago. 424 00:18:01,493 --> 00:18:02,962 I don't think that I'd be the best source to... 425 00:18:03,030 --> 00:18:04,225 Please. 426 00:18:05,201 --> 00:18:06,362 What happened? 427 00:18:06,437 --> 00:18:08,031 He doesn't think I like Mouse Rat. 428 00:18:08,407 --> 00:18:10,639 All I said to him was that this other band was better, 429 00:18:10,745 --> 00:18:12,078 but I don't know why he got all mad, 430 00:18:12,148 --> 00:18:13,913 because it's like an indisputable fact that they're better. 431 00:18:13,985 --> 00:18:15,010 They're a real band. 432 00:18:15,088 --> 00:18:16,113 Oh, boy. Okay. 433 00:18:16,190 --> 00:18:19,651 Well, Andy just wants you to be proud of him and his music. 434 00:18:19,931 --> 00:18:22,629 So, this isn't really about being right. 435 00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,762 It's more about being supportive. 436 00:18:25,308 --> 00:18:28,337 Oh, wow. I didn't realize you were a marriage counselor, Ann. 437 00:18:29,182 --> 00:18:30,241 Sorry. 438 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,319 My instinct is to be mean to you. 439 00:18:33,524 --> 00:18:34,583 I understand. 440 00:18:36,864 --> 00:18:38,333 O-M-G. 441 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:39,926 Leslie, I read that same article. 442 00:18:40,004 --> 00:18:42,497 "The History of the Ladder." It's utterly fascinating. 443 00:18:42,575 --> 00:18:43,736 Ben, you're gonna love this. Really? 444 00:18:43,811 --> 00:18:46,442 Do you know that the original image of a ladder 445 00:18:46,517 --> 00:18:48,544 is in a cave in Valencia, Spain, 446 00:18:48,621 --> 00:18:49,954 drawn over 10,000 years ago. 447 00:18:50,091 --> 00:18:51,457 Oh, my God. How about some music? 448 00:18:58,307 --> 00:19:00,607 This is amazing. What is this? 449 00:19:07,659 --> 00:19:09,994 Oh, man, I love this song. 450 00:19:11,033 --> 00:19:12,558 The pit 451 00:19:13,070 --> 00:19:14,561 Wait a minute. 452 00:19:15,909 --> 00:19:19,006 You were in the pit 453 00:19:19,082 --> 00:19:23,887 We all were in the pit 454 00:19:23,959 --> 00:19:25,484 The pit 455 00:19:25,561 --> 00:19:28,692 I was in the pit 456 00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:31,934 You were in the pit 457 00:19:32,008 --> 00:19:36,973 We all were in the pit 458 00:19:39,589 --> 00:19:40,716 What is this? 459 00:19:40,791 --> 00:19:41,850 Living out my dream. 460 00:19:41,928 --> 00:19:44,455 Playing a show with the greatest band ever. 461 00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:47,370 That's my guitar. You bought it back from Shoeless Joe? 462 00:19:47,872 --> 00:19:50,810 I actually stole it from his office, 463 00:19:51,380 --> 00:19:52,575 but whatever. 464 00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:53,708 He's a weirdo. 465 00:19:55,721 --> 00:19:57,988 Maybe April doesn't think that we're the greatest band in the world, 466 00:19:58,060 --> 00:20:00,964 but, man, she loves me. 467 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,296 And I love her. 468 00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:04,099 So, you know, who cares. 469 00:20:04,439 --> 00:20:07,036 I got the greatest wife in the world! 470 00:20:07,245 --> 00:20:09,181 Stop. We're married! 471 00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:13,515 We're totally gonna do it later! 472 00:20:13,590 --> 00:20:14,957 Oh, my God. 473 00:20:16,797 --> 00:20:18,733 Well, actually, I think it's good that Chris showed up, 474 00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,293 'cause I wasn't thinking clearly. 475 00:20:20,538 --> 00:20:22,531 I love my job, Ben loves his job, 476 00:20:22,675 --> 00:20:24,668 and it's just not worth the risk. 477 00:20:25,949 --> 00:20:27,110 Oh, hey. Hey. 478 00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:28,950 Chris just wanted me to drop off these receipts. 479 00:20:29,022 --> 00:20:31,083 Oh, well, he's not here. He took off. 480 00:20:31,426 --> 00:20:32,519 Okay. 481 00:20:45,654 --> 00:20:46,781 Uh-oh. 482 00:20:49,496 --> 00:20:52,798 All I'm saying is, keep an open mind for a while. 483 00:20:52,869 --> 00:20:56,138 Listen to your teachers and read all the books you can. 484 00:20:56,209 --> 00:21:00,149 Then when you're 18, you can drink, gamble and become a libertarian. 485 00:21:00,684 --> 00:21:02,381 The drinking age is 21. 486 00:21:02,588 --> 00:21:05,526 I know. Another stupid government rule. 487 00:21:07,131 --> 00:21:08,827 So you'll write a new paper? 488 00:21:08,902 --> 00:21:09,961 Yeah. 489 00:21:10,037 --> 00:21:11,596 Can you autograph this one for me? 490 00:21:11,740 --> 00:21:13,073 Sure.