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Support for
Pawnee Community Radio

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comes from the Wendell G. and
Muriel Fathwright Korbleman Foundation,

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and Sweetums Cares,

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a nonprofit group that puts
umbrella hats on homeless people

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when it rains.

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Welcome to
Thoughts for your thoughts

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I'm Derry Murbles
filling in for David Parker,

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who took off for eight months to
study the migration patterns

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of our nation's squirrels.

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We have not
seen him since.

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My guest today is author
Leslie Knope.

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The book:

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The greatest town in America.

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I wrote a book.

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The first historical guide
to Pawnee.

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I wrote it as a reference
for myself,

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but then,
my campaign advisor said

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we should make it
a big, wide release.

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So we had people contribute,

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we added pictures,

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and we removed
a lot of my poems

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and emotional ramblings
and pictures of unicorns,

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and here it is!

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Leslie, could one say that

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a book is nothing more
than a painting of words,

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which are the notes
on the tapestry

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of the greatest film
ever sculpted?

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One could say that.

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But should one?

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Join us next week
when David Bianculli

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will be filling in
for Richard Chang-Jefferson,

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who will be filling in
for me.

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Leslie, would you like to
take us out?

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Okay.

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"Please enjoy a song

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"from the lesbian
Afro-Norwegian Funk duo,

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Nefertiti's Fjord."

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Oh, wow.
They are terrible.

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Oh, yes.
Th-they're quite awful.

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But they are lesbians,
so—

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Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

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Usually,
I only read nautical novels

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and my own personal manifestos,

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but I'm proud to make
this exception.

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Thank you, Ron.

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I expect all of you
to buy additional copies.

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But I wanted the first one
that you owned

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to be delivered and signed
by me.

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God, this goes on for,
like, seven pages!

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I started thinking about you
as a woman,

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and as a person,
and I got carried away.

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Okay, mine just says,
"Get well soon."

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Aren't you sick?

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No.

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Something's off.

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Leslie, I loved your book.

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- I read it cover to cover.
- Wow.

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I just gave it to you
an hour ago.

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I'm a speed reader.

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I can read
over 3,000 words a minute

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with total comprehension.

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One time, I read all
of Siddhartha at a traffic stop.

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Pawnee's most notorious
businessman in the building.

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I brought some
Entertainment 720 pillowcases

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for your pillow.

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"Never stop dreaming."
Tom Haverford.

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"I never do."
Chris Traeger.

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Respect.
Game recognize game.

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Tom, I have Pawnee Today
in an hour.

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Was my book selected
for Joan's book club?

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Joan Callamezzo
has a book club?

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Joan Callamezzo started

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a book club four years ago.

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And now she is the literary
tastemaker in the town.

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The Time Traveler's
Optometrist,

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by Pawnee's own
Penelope Foster.

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A heartwarming story
about a caveman eye doctor

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who travels
to present-day Cincinnati

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and can see everything
but love.

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Unreadable.

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Then Joan slaps her sticker
on it,

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best seller,
four years in a row.

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You told me you could get me
that sticker.

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- Did you get it?
- I'm trying, Leslie.

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But Joan got
an anonymous tip

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that there's a
factual inaccuracy

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in your book.

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That's impossible.

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I checked every detail
with the historical society.

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Did she say what it was?

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She won't tell me.

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I think she wants one
of her big "gotcha" moments.

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Well, she's not gonna
getch me.

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I found no inaccuracies.

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Joan Callamezzo claims there
is a mistake in my book,

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which there is not,

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and so now,
she's tryin' to get me

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on a tiny technicality.

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So just in case
there is a mistake,

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which there is not,

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I need all of you
fact-checking

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every single detail.

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Jerry, I need you
to hit the road

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and re-interview everyone
who lives out of town.

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On it, boss.

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The rest of you,
call me

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as soon as you
find the mistake

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that does not exist.

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Do you think there's actually
a mistake in here?

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I doubt it.

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If there's one thing
Leslie's not,

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it's sloppy.

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She's also not brief.

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This is gonna take forever.

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It's just us,
I hope.

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I wish.

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Hey, guys!

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Ready to do
some fact-checkin'?

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Here we go.
Helping Leslie.

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Okey-doke.

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Hi.
Joan Callamezzo.

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Oh, yeah.
Hi. Ben Wyatt.

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W-we've met.

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I don't think so.

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Yeah,
I was on your show.

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Nope.

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Getting the book

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into Joan's book club
will really help Leslie.

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But it'll also help my company,
Entertainment 720.

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At the risk of bragging,

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one of the things
I'm best at

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is riding coattails.

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Behind every successful man...

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Is me, smiling
and taking partial credit.

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Now, about Leslie's book.

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Am I gonna be happy?

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We'll see,
won't we? Ooh!

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Wow, you guys
are really cute together.

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Ben, I'm cute together
with everybody.

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Anyone find any mistakes?

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Yeah, actually.

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In here, it says that
Pawnee is great.

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But in reality,
it's terrible.

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Let Tom know
we haven't found anything.

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Hey, I'm thinking
about getting a new phone.

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Do you guys like your phones?

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I've never used a phone
in my life.

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What about you, Ron?
Do you like your phone?

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Here's my goal.

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I'm gonna get these two people

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that I've known
for a long time

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to talk to me
for five minutes.

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Who am I kidding?

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One minute.

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One minute would be amazing.

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So, Leslie.

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You're a real native of Pawnee,
aren't you?

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Yes, I was born
and raised here, Joan.

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And I love the town so much,

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I literally wrote
the book on it.

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I have it right here.

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And also, in this hand,
right here,

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I have a sticker.

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Which, when applied,
legally determines

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the newest selection
of Joan's book club.

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Uh... Oh... Whoa!

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Where—
over here?

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Back here?

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- Where is it now?
- Come on, stick it.

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Ooh.
Oh, hang on—

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Stick the sticker.
Stick the st—

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No, no, no.
Not so fast.

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We received
a tip that you,

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Leslie "born and raised" Knope,

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were not born in Pawnee.

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What?

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Gotcha!

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And because you lied about it,

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we cannot make this
a book club selection.

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I was born in Pawnee.

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I'd stake my reputation on it.

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I have to tell you,

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this feels like
gotcha journalism.

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In what way?

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That way.
You put "gotcha" on my face.

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After the break:

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Where was Leslie Knope
actually born?

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Pawnee!

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We will pull out
the world map

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and speculate wildly.

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Oh, God.
Not the gotcha dancers.

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Tnat was despicable!

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I am horrified
at her tactics.

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That said,
the show was pretty lively.

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It's very catchy.

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Okay, Ben, Tom,

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you stay here, stay on Joan.
Get that sticker.

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Chris, Andy,
we're gonna stay on schedule,

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and we're gonna do
some damage control.

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All right.
Everybody move!

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Move, move, move!

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This entire event is
under federal jurisdiction.

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Unless he's in trouble,

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there's only one man
for the job.

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Bert Macklin, FBI.

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You thought I was dead?

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So did the president's
enemies.

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Call if you need us.

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Okay.

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All right, so we don't
have to fact-check anymore.

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But Leslie wants us
to be on ready-alert one

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just in case
something comes up.

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Now I can get
some real work done.

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You know, I think I'm
just gonna hang out here

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00:08:04,161 --> 00:08:05,143
with you guys,
if that's cool.

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It's not.

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Great.

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I could leave.
I could.

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But I'm not going to.

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I will get my one minute

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of small talk,
damn it.

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And it will be casual,

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and it will be amicable!

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Did Leslie leave?

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We wanted her to sign
the gotcha wall.

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Joanie.

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Come on, now.
What was that?

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I thought we were
gonna get that sticker.

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Sorry, Tom.

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But I am,
first and foremost,

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a journalist.

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Let us take you to lunch.

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Okay?
We'll talk about the book.

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And...
Whatever else may come up.

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Let me go change
into something more tantalizing.

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All right?

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00:08:42,977 --> 00:08:45,943
So, what?
We're taking her to lunch now?

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00:08:45,977 --> 00:08:48,544
Ben, Leslie hired my company
to get her that sticker.

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You're the one that told me

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"businesses" need "clients"
to get "money."

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I was the first one
to tell you that?

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Don't worry.
This is in the bag.

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Joan's a married woman.

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She wants what she can't have.

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It's a game
of cat and mouse.

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00:09:11,861 --> 00:09:13,943
Thank you all for coming.

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00:09:13,977 --> 00:09:16,943
Our journey begins on page one,
the preface.

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Oh, boy.
Yes?

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I think I speak on behalf
of everyone

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in the entire world
when I say...

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We need to know the truth
about where you were born.

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- Okay. Well—
- Leslie?

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Let me handle this.

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Does it really matter?

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00:09:32,328 --> 00:09:33,826
I mean,
how many of you

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were actually born
in Pawnee?

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Sure enough.

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No matter what you heard,
ma'am,

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the truth is,
I was born here.

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If you were so born here,

261
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then where's
your birth certificate?

262
00:09:46,144 --> 00:09:48,160
Well, I don't carry
my birth certificate around

263
00:09:48,194 --> 00:09:50,477
- with me—
- Why?

264
00:09:50,511 --> 00:09:52,160
Because you're hiding something?

265
00:09:52,194 --> 00:09:53,810
You should go back
where you came from.

266
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:55,694
I am back from
where I came from!

267
00:09:55,744 --> 00:09:57,776
That sentence was confusing!

268
00:09:57,810 --> 00:09:59,160
You might as well be from China!
Tell us!

269
00:09:59,194 --> 00:10:00,743
- That's ridiculous!
- Is it?

270
00:10:00,777 --> 00:10:01,860
I'm from here!

271
00:10:01,911 --> 00:10:03,310
This crowd getting
very hostile, Ms. Knope.

272
00:10:03,328 --> 00:10:04,310
I'm gonna get you
outta here.

273
00:10:04,328 --> 00:10:05,544
- Oh, my God.
- Back off!

274
00:10:05,578 --> 00:10:06,610
Okay, okay.

275
00:10:06,644 --> 00:10:08,277
Thank you.
Go, go, go!

276
00:10:08,311 --> 00:10:10,444
When I was 18,

277
00:10:10,478 --> 00:10:13,310
Val Kilmer saw me
at a mall

278
00:10:13,345 --> 00:10:15,277
and told me
I should model.

279
00:10:16,311 --> 00:10:18,693
That never happened.

280
00:10:18,744 --> 00:10:20,710
So, Joan, how is
married life treating you?

281
00:10:20,744 --> 00:10:22,677
Your husband still know he's
the luckiest man in the world?

282
00:10:22,711 --> 00:10:24,644
Santino and I are divorcing.

283
00:10:24,677 --> 00:10:25,743
Oh.

284
00:10:25,777 --> 00:10:27,444
It's actually
quite liberating.

285
00:10:27,478 --> 00:10:30,976
I'm a woman
with a strong sexual appetite.

286
00:10:30,994 --> 00:10:33,410
I'm like a caged peacock,

287
00:10:33,445 --> 00:10:36,160
yearning for the wind
on her haunches.

288
00:10:36,194 --> 00:10:38,676
That's a powerful metaphor.

289
00:10:38,711 --> 00:10:41,444
Maybe we can get
that book club sticker in order,

290
00:10:41,478 --> 00:10:43,860
and we can work on
unlockin' that peacock cage.

291
00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:45,027
Things have changed,
Tom.

292
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:48,510
Don't make any promises
you can't keep.

293
00:10:48,545 --> 00:10:49,809
I'll have another drink,

294
00:10:49,827 --> 00:10:54,360
and so will this adorable hunk
of caramel to my right.

295
00:10:54,411 --> 00:10:55,494
Drink up,
Tom.

296
00:10:55,528 --> 00:10:57,277
I'm gonna go powder
my nose...

297
00:10:57,311 --> 00:10:59,743
Amongst other things.

298
00:10:59,777 --> 00:11:05,327
If you know what I mean.

299
00:11:05,361 --> 00:11:06,360
Crap.

300
00:11:06,411 --> 00:11:09,143
Is she gonna powder
her vagina?

301
00:11:09,178 --> 00:11:10,642
- You gotta help me, man.
- Why?

302
00:11:10,660 --> 00:11:12,943
Seems to be going
the usual amount of gross.

303
00:11:12,977 --> 00:11:14,110
No, this is way different.

304
00:11:14,144 --> 00:11:15,143
She's not married anymore.

305
00:11:15,178 --> 00:11:16,143
She had, like,
five bottles of alcohol,

306
00:11:16,178 --> 00:11:17,610
she's callin' me
"caramel."

307
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,243
You've gotta throw some
cold water on this situation.

308
00:11:19,278 --> 00:11:20,610
Start talkin' about nerd stuff.

309
00:11:20,643 --> 00:11:22,477
You know,
nerd culture is mainstream now.

310
00:11:22,495 --> 00:11:23,743
So when you use the word

311
00:11:23,777 --> 00:11:25,310
"nerd" derogatorily,

312
00:11:25,345 --> 00:11:26,943
means you're the one
that's out of the zeitgeist.

313
00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:28,743
Yes, that's perfect.
Just like that.

314
00:11:28,777 --> 00:11:30,010
Be incredibly boring.

315
00:11:30,044 --> 00:11:32,809
Well, I've made
a little progress.

316
00:11:32,827 --> 00:11:35,277
I'm up to four seconds
with April.

317
00:11:35,311 --> 00:11:36,277
Hey, April.

318
00:11:36,311 --> 00:11:38,043
I was looking to get
some new music,

319
00:11:38,078 --> 00:11:40,210
and I was wondering
if you could recommend anything.

320
00:11:40,244 --> 00:11:41,477
The Internet.

321
00:11:41,511 --> 00:11:42,577
I really like your haircut.

322
00:11:42,610 --> 00:11:44,577
- W-w-where'd you get it?
- Prison.

323
00:11:44,610 --> 00:11:45,577
How's your sister doin'?

324
00:11:45,610 --> 00:11:46,976
She has the shingles.

325
00:11:47,011 --> 00:11:49,027
Who's your favorite character
on Sex and the City?

326
00:11:49,578 --> 00:11:51,444
Alf.

327
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,310
And...
Nine seconds with Ron.

328
00:11:53,328 --> 00:11:55,110
You're stranded
on a desert island.

329
00:11:55,144 --> 00:11:57,110
What is the one thing
that you bring with you?

330
00:11:57,544 --> 00:11:59,496
Silence.

331
00:12:04,328 --> 00:12:06,593
We did a flash poll.

332
00:12:06,627 --> 00:12:09,010
68% of Pawneeans
now believe you're lying

333
00:12:09,044 --> 00:12:10,043
about where you were born.

334
00:12:10,078 --> 00:12:11,810
Honesty is important to voters.

335
00:12:11,844 --> 00:12:13,943
13% think I'm crazy-eyed?

336
00:12:13,977 --> 00:12:16,010
What?
Why?

337
00:12:16,044 --> 00:12:17,527
Whatever,
I can end this now.

338
00:12:17,577 --> 00:12:18,743
Here's my birth certificate.

339
00:12:18,777 --> 00:12:20,444
Mm-hmm.

340
00:12:20,478 --> 00:12:22,010
Well, this just says
"Wamapoke County."

341
00:12:22,044 --> 00:12:23,609
Yeah.
That's the county Pawnee is in.

342
00:12:23,644 --> 00:12:25,160
Well, no.
This won't do it.

343
00:12:25,194 --> 00:12:26,976
See, you staked
your reputation on this.

344
00:12:27,011 --> 00:12:28,110
So you need to go down

345
00:12:28,144 --> 00:12:29,609
to the county records office
in Eagleton

346
00:12:29,644 --> 00:12:31,444
and get the original,
long-form certificate.

347
00:12:31,478 --> 00:12:33,444
Oh, God.
Don't make me go to Eagleton.

348
00:12:33,478 --> 00:12:35,943
Eagleton is the land
of rich, snobby jerks.

349
00:12:35,977 --> 00:12:38,344
There's a whole chapter
about it in my book.

350
00:12:38,378 --> 00:12:39,810
I could write a second book
about Eagleton

351
00:12:39,844 --> 00:12:41,377
and how stupid it is.

352
00:12:41,411 --> 00:12:44,377
And I'd call it Eagleton:
The land of rich, snobby jerks.

353
00:12:44,411 --> 00:12:47,976
Hello... and welcome to the
Wamapoke County Records Office,

354
00:12:47,994 --> 00:12:50,077
here in beautiful Eagleton.

355
00:12:50,111 --> 00:12:51,776
My name is Alexis Pratchett.

356
00:12:51,811 --> 00:12:53,494
Take it down a notch,
Alexis.

357
00:12:53,527 --> 00:12:55,876
I need a copy
of my birth certificate.

358
00:12:55,911 --> 00:12:57,310
Ooh, I'm sorry.

359
00:12:57,345 --> 00:12:59,843
It takes three to eight weeks
to receive a birth certificate.

360
00:12:59,877 --> 00:13:01,494
Really?

361
00:13:05,677 --> 00:13:07,143
Hi,
I'm Chris.

362
00:13:07,178 --> 00:13:09,676
I was wondering if you might
make an exception for me?

363
00:13:09,711 --> 00:13:13,177
Oh, I'm sorry.
No.

364
00:13:15,178 --> 00:13:16,693
Wow.
That usually works.

365
00:13:16,744 --> 00:13:18,494
Oh, God.
I hate this stupid town

366
00:13:18,527 --> 00:13:20,444
with all its stupid,
terrible people.

367
00:13:20,478 --> 00:13:21,609
I need that birth certificate.

368
00:13:21,643 --> 00:13:24,410
Leslie, wait here.

369
00:13:24,445 --> 00:13:26,344
Bert Macklin is on the case.

370
00:13:26,378 --> 00:13:28,077
- Andy—
- No.

371
00:13:28,111 --> 00:13:31,943
Don't worry.
I can do this.

372
00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:33,976
Believe in me!

373
00:13:36,577 --> 00:13:38,993
That's broken.

374
00:13:41,994 --> 00:13:42,976
Hold on.

375
00:13:42,994 --> 00:13:44,243
Leslie.
Real quick.

376
00:13:44,278 --> 00:13:45,943
Uh, spell your last name for me.

377
00:13:49,861 --> 00:13:53,377
Wow. That was as long
as it was loud.

378
00:13:54,411 --> 00:13:56,444
Take me home,
dumpling.

379
00:13:56,477 --> 00:13:57,659
It's beddy time.

380
00:13:57,694 --> 00:13:59,344
Ah.
Hey, Ben.

381
00:13:59,378 --> 00:14:00,344
You like Star Trek.

382
00:14:00,378 --> 00:14:01,509
Talk about that
for a little bit.

383
00:14:02,044 --> 00:14:03,827
They're making a sequel...

384
00:14:05,361 --> 00:14:07,910
I'm assuming with
the same alternate timeline.

385
00:14:07,944 --> 00:14:09,444
But if J.J. Abrams and company

386
00:14:09,477 --> 00:14:10,976
expect us to believe
that it's Spock

387
00:14:11,011 --> 00:14:14,027
with the romantic tension
with Uhura and not Kirk...

388
00:14:14,078 --> 00:14:17,609
Well, let's just say, the
message boards are goin' nuts.

389
00:14:17,643 --> 00:14:21,659
I wanna take you both home
and bend you over

390
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:25,310
and just.

391
00:14:25,328 --> 00:14:28,443
at the same time.
Whoo!

392
00:14:28,477 --> 00:14:29,642
I'm leaving.

393
00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:30,876
Wait, wait, wait.

394
00:14:30,911 --> 00:14:31,993
We gotta get her home.

395
00:14:32,028 --> 00:14:33,993
Tom, I know
your business is failing,

396
00:14:34,028 --> 00:14:35,443
but this just isn't worth it.

397
00:14:35,477 --> 00:14:36,993
It's not about
the business anymore, man.

398
00:14:37,028 --> 00:14:38,143
Sh-she's a disaster.

399
00:14:38,161 --> 00:14:40,210
We gotta make sure
she gets home safe.

400
00:14:42,111 --> 00:14:43,493
Whoa, whoa.

401
00:14:43,527 --> 00:14:45,110
Whoa.

402
00:14:45,144 --> 00:14:46,476
What the hell?

403
00:14:46,494 --> 00:14:48,043
Okay, let's get her
on the bed.

404
00:14:48,078 --> 00:14:49,860
- Okay. One.
- Oh, my God.

405
00:14:49,911 --> 00:14:51,776
Two.

406
00:14:51,810 --> 00:14:54,642
Three.

407
00:14:56,111 --> 00:14:57,710
Let's go, bro.

408
00:14:57,744 --> 00:14:58,976
Say what you will about Joan,

409
00:14:58,994 --> 00:15:00,143
but she knows how to
decorate a bedroom.

410
00:15:00,178 --> 00:15:02,310
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.

411
00:15:02,345 --> 00:15:03,776
Where the hell am I?

412
00:15:03,811 --> 00:15:05,843
I just wanna see how soft
these sheets are. One second.

413
00:15:05,877 --> 00:15:07,642
Tom, no.
Come on. Let's go.

414
00:15:07,660 --> 00:15:08,943
Ah!

415
00:15:08,977 --> 00:15:10,809
Joan, we left you some water
and aspirin by the bed!

416
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:13,277
Bye!

417
00:15:13,311 --> 00:15:14,526
Got it!

418
00:15:14,577 --> 00:15:16,310
Got it!

419
00:15:16,328 --> 00:15:18,143
Nice!

420
00:15:18,161 --> 00:15:19,310
I also got
this dude's briefcase.

421
00:15:19,328 --> 00:15:20,443
It was just layin' there.

422
00:15:20,477 --> 00:15:22,526
Kind of a panic move.

423
00:15:22,577 --> 00:15:23,943
I believed in you,
buddy.

424
00:15:23,977 --> 00:15:24,993
But you should put that back.

425
00:15:25,028 --> 00:15:26,409
Okay.

426
00:15:26,444 --> 00:15:27,643
Okay, so.
Leslie Barbara Knope,

427
00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:29,193
born January 18th,

428
00:15:29,244 --> 00:15:30,376
to Robert and Marlene Knope,

429
00:15:30,410 --> 00:15:35,243
in Eagleton, Indiana.

430
00:15:35,278 --> 00:15:36,412
I'm from Eagleton!

431
00:15:37,875 --> 00:15:38,910
Is it true mom?

432
00:15:38,974 --> 00:15:42,307
Was I born in Eagleton?

433
00:15:42,510 --> 00:15:43,577
Yes, it's true.

434
00:15:43,711 --> 00:15:45,144
No!

435
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:48,393
Pawnee hospital was overrun
with raccoons at the time.

436
00:15:48,444 --> 00:15:50,726
So we had to go to
the next closest hospital.

437
00:15:51,578 --> 00:15:52,727
I'm sorry.

438
00:15:52,778 --> 00:15:54,810
Did you expect me
to give birth to you

439
00:15:54,844 --> 00:15:57,311
in an infested,
disease-filled room?

440
00:15:57,344 --> 00:15:59,560
Mom, why didn't you tell me?

441
00:15:59,611 --> 00:16:01,360
You try telling
that little girl

442
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:02,360
she's not from Pawnee.

443
00:16:02,394 --> 00:16:04,277
I certainly couldn't.

444
00:16:04,312 --> 00:16:06,410
So you were technically born
in Eagleton.

445
00:16:06,444 --> 00:16:07,877
Who cares?

446
00:16:07,911 --> 00:16:09,277
I care.

447
00:16:09,312 --> 00:16:11,443
The people of Pawnee care.

448
00:16:11,478 --> 00:16:13,044
I wrote on the cover
of my book

449
00:16:13,078 --> 00:16:14,577
that I was born in Pawnee.

450
00:16:14,611 --> 00:16:16,410
I went on Pawnee today,

451
00:16:16,444 --> 00:16:19,743
and I called Joan a liar!

452
00:16:19,778 --> 00:16:20,743
I'm the liar.

453
00:16:21,278 --> 00:16:22,343
I'm worse than a liar.

454
00:16:22,661 --> 00:16:25,727
I'm an...

455
00:16:27,376 --> 00:16:28,960
Eagletonian.

456
00:16:29,295 --> 00:16:30,560
Morning.

457
00:16:30,594 --> 00:16:32,643
Is Leslie here?

458
00:16:32,677 --> 00:16:35,044
Aw, man.
I am so tired.

459
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:38,044
I took a half-shift
at the hospital last night.

460
00:16:38,078 --> 00:16:41,360
And I had
this really weird patient.

461
00:16:43,361 --> 00:16:44,560
Weird how?

462
00:16:44,611 --> 00:16:46,227
I probably shouldn't talk
about it.

463
00:16:46,278 --> 00:16:48,877
It's one of the grossest things
I've ever seen.

464
00:16:48,911 --> 00:16:49,877
Talk.

465
00:16:49,911 --> 00:16:51,527
Well, this guy came in.

466
00:16:51,561 --> 00:16:53,310
He got his hand stuck
in a Pringles can,

467
00:16:53,344 --> 00:16:55,477
and he tried to cut himself out.

468
00:16:55,511 --> 00:16:57,643
- Was there a lot of blood?
- What kind of blade did he use?

469
00:16:57,678 --> 00:17:00,194
Uh, three-and-a-half-inch?

470
00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:02,144
Serrated?
Buckets of blood.

471
00:17:02,178 --> 00:17:04,310
He passed out over his arm,

472
00:17:04,344 --> 00:17:05,477
and slumped onto the floor.

473
00:17:05,511 --> 00:17:06,610
Did the bone show?

474
00:17:06,644 --> 00:17:07,727
Very good question, April.

475
00:17:07,778 --> 00:17:08,727
Answer her.

476
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:09,860
Yeah.

477
00:17:09,895 --> 00:17:11,977
The bone showed.

478
00:17:12,011 --> 00:17:14,177
Everyone in the universe loves
a gross medical story.

479
00:17:14,195 --> 00:17:15,360
Boom!

480
00:17:15,394 --> 00:17:16,560
I win!

481
00:17:16,611 --> 00:17:18,194
And so when I
finally cleaned up the vomit,

482
00:17:18,228 --> 00:17:19,977
I found the toe.

483
00:17:20,011 --> 00:17:20,977
I forgot about the toe!

484
00:17:21,011 --> 00:17:22,810
So did we!
Crazy, right?

485
00:17:22,845 --> 00:17:24,343
That story's awesome!

486
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:27,693
Indeed.
Thank you for sharing, Jenny.

487
00:17:29,711 --> 00:17:32,376
Ann was getting
a little chummy.

488
00:17:32,411 --> 00:17:34,910
When people get too chummy
with me,

489
00:17:34,945 --> 00:17:37,310
I like to call them by
the wrong name to let them know

490
00:17:37,344 --> 00:17:39,243
I don't really care about them.

491
00:17:39,277 --> 00:17:40,877
That's a genius move.

492
00:17:40,911 --> 00:17:42,194
Thank you.

493
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:45,227
You're welcome,
Lester.

494
00:17:46,611 --> 00:17:48,027
Oh, my God.

495
00:17:48,061 --> 00:17:50,376
I wonder who else was born
in Eagleton.

496
00:17:50,411 --> 00:17:52,727
Voldemort, probably.

497
00:17:52,778 --> 00:17:54,343
Bad news, team.

498
00:17:54,361 --> 00:17:56,310
Entertainment 720 was unable
to get the sticker

499
00:17:56,344 --> 00:17:57,410
for Leslie's book.

500
00:17:57,444 --> 00:17:59,243
The sticker is the least
of my problems.

501
00:17:59,277 --> 00:18:01,677
If I come clean about
where I'm from,

502
00:18:01,711 --> 00:18:03,977
then my political career
is over.

503
00:18:04,011 --> 00:18:05,743
You don't have to tell them
a damn thing.

504
00:18:05,778 --> 00:18:07,677
The only thing the voters need
to know about you

505
00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:09,010
is your name.

506
00:18:09,045 --> 00:18:11,044
And even that,
I go back and forth on.

507
00:18:11,078 --> 00:18:13,676
I'm sorry,
but I disagree.

508
00:18:13,694 --> 00:18:15,877
Leslie, where you were born
is a piece of trivia.

509
00:18:15,911 --> 00:18:17,343
Where you're from...

510
00:18:17,361 --> 00:18:18,677
That's what makes you
who you are.

511
00:18:18,711 --> 00:18:21,777
And you are from Pawnee.

512
00:18:21,811 --> 00:18:23,643
You're more Pawnee
than anyone I know.

513
00:18:23,677 --> 00:18:25,343
So I say,
tell them the truth,

514
00:18:25,377 --> 00:18:29,410
and trust that they're
gonna respect you for it.

515
00:18:29,444 --> 00:18:31,844
Damn it, he's right.
Well said.

516
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:32,877
Thanks, Ron.

517
00:18:32,911 --> 00:18:35,910
You're welcome, Steve.

518
00:18:37,344 --> 00:18:39,193
Joan.

519
00:18:39,227 --> 00:18:41,543
Thanks so much for havin'
Leslie back on the program.

520
00:18:41,578 --> 00:18:45,077
Well, thank you
for getting me home last night.

521
00:18:45,111 --> 00:18:48,360
I wasn't, uh,
feeling very well.

522
00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:50,560
Because of some bad seafood
that I ate.

523
00:18:50,611 --> 00:18:55,010
Yes, that's probably
what it was.

524
00:18:55,028 --> 00:18:58,510
I'd like to apologize
to those that I've misled.

525
00:18:58,544 --> 00:19:00,510
I thought I was
telling the truth,

526
00:19:00,544 --> 00:19:03,144
but, sadly,
I was born in Eagleton.

527
00:19:03,177 --> 00:19:05,410
Wha—?

528
00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:08,777
Well, that is worse than I
ever could have hoped for.

529
00:19:08,811 --> 00:19:09,810
I learned something, Joan.

530
00:19:09,845 --> 00:19:11,543
It's not where you're born.

531
00:19:11,578 --> 00:19:13,477
It's where you're from.

532
00:19:14,011 --> 00:19:15,477
When I was nine years old,

533
00:19:15,511 --> 00:19:16,577
I broke my arm.

534
00:19:16,611 --> 00:19:18,477
Sledding on that giant hill

535
00:19:18,511 --> 00:19:20,543
behind Kernston's
rubber nipple factory.

536
00:19:20,578 --> 00:19:22,510
- You know, "nipple hill".
- Of course.

537
00:19:22,544 --> 00:19:23,810
- It gets very slippery there.
- I know that.

538
00:19:23,845 --> 00:19:25,810
- Especially when it's wet.
- Yes.

539
00:19:25,845 --> 00:19:27,894
And, Jim. Jim Kabernick.
I know Jim.

540
00:19:27,945 --> 00:19:29,310
Jim and I have gone
to school together

541
00:19:29,344 --> 00:19:30,310
since we were, like,
three years old.

542
00:19:30,344 --> 00:19:31,710
Yes, that's true.

543
00:19:31,744 --> 00:19:33,543
Do you remember when you peed
your pants in second grade?

544
00:19:34,078 --> 00:19:36,410
Why—why did you
bring that up? I said yes.

545
00:19:36,444 --> 00:19:37,643
You stuck your underwear
in your drawer,

546
00:19:37,678 --> 00:19:38,944
and you got really embarrassed,

547
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:40,393
and then the teacher came over
and pulled them out.

548
00:19:40,444 --> 00:19:42,310
And everybody called you
"the gerbil" because

549
00:19:42,344 --> 00:19:44,810
you always smelled like
soiled wood chips?

550
00:19:44,845 --> 00:19:46,393
Leslie, for God's sake,
we're on TV.

551
00:19:46,944 --> 00:19:47,910
The point is

552
00:19:47,945 --> 00:19:49,310
you can't choose
where you were born.

553
00:19:49,344 --> 00:19:51,844
But you can choose
where you live.

554
00:19:51,878 --> 00:19:52,910
I love this town.

555
00:19:52,945 --> 00:19:55,243
I always have.
I always will.

556
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:58,077
And that's why I wrote
a book about it.

557
00:19:58,110 --> 00:20:01,477
And that's why I'm running
for City Council.

558
00:20:03,510 --> 00:20:05,693
Look, I'm not crazy.

559
00:20:05,728 --> 00:20:06,693
I know Pawnee isn't

560
00:20:06,728 --> 00:20:09,226
Paris, or London,
or Chicago.

561
00:20:09,277 --> 00:20:10,643
But it's a great place to live.

562
00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:11,810
And work.

563
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:14,310
And serving the goofballs
in this town

564
00:20:14,344 --> 00:20:16,393
is an honor and a privilege.

565
00:20:16,444 --> 00:20:19,109
And, yes, every town claims
its diner's waffles

566
00:20:19,144 --> 00:20:20,410
are the best in the world,

567
00:20:20,444 --> 00:20:21,843
but somewhere,
in some town,

568
00:20:21,861 --> 00:20:24,726
there really are
the best waffles in the world.

569
00:20:24,777 --> 00:20:27,527
So delicious, and rich,
and golden brown

570
00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:30,527
that anyone who tasted them
would decide

571
00:20:30,561 --> 00:20:33,510
never to leave that town.

572
00:20:33,544 --> 00:20:37,044
Somewhere,
those waffles exist.

573
00:20:37,077 --> 00:20:40,276
Why can't it be here?

574
00:20:40,311 --> 00:20:42,643
Joan put us
in her book club.

575
00:20:42,678 --> 00:20:45,675
Although I could do
without this.

576
00:20:46,824 --> 00:20:47,590
Leslie?

577
00:20:47,724 --> 00:20:49,156
Here's the thing.
I've been all over the State.

578
00:20:49,191 --> 00:20:51,824
Indianapolis, Bloomington,
Lafayette, Muncie, Gary...

579
00:20:51,858 --> 00:20:53,073
All the places you mention
in the book.

580
00:20:53,107 --> 00:20:54,240
And I interviewed

581
00:20:54,274 --> 00:20:56,024
all the people you mentioned.

582
00:20:56,057 --> 00:20:57,024
And so far,

583
00:20:57,057 --> 00:20:58,623
there is not one incorrect fact.

584
00:20:58,658 --> 00:21:00,824
So now I'm going to head
to the house, say hey to Gayle,

585
00:21:00,858 --> 00:21:02,290
wish my daughter
a happy belated birthday...

586
00:21:02,324 --> 00:21:03,423
It was yesterday...

587
00:21:03,458 --> 00:21:05,090
And then I'm gonna head back out

588
00:21:05,124 --> 00:21:06,573
and hit all the towns
in the southeast.

589
00:21:06,608 --> 00:21:08,256
But is there anything
I should know?

590
00:21:08,291 --> 00:21:11,757
Any new info?

591
00:21:11,791 --> 00:21:12,857
No.

592
00:21:12,891 --> 00:21:14,073
You're doin' great.
Godspeed.

593
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,090
- Doin' what I can.
- Yep!

594
00:21:15,124 --> 00:21:16,073
Hey, Ron.

595
00:21:16,107 --> 00:21:18,073
Gotta go, Donna.
Can't talk.

596
00:21:18,107 --> 00:21:19,907
He just seemed so happy.

597
00:21:19,941 --> 00:21:21,190
I didn't say anything.

598
00:21:22,377 --> 00:21:32,367
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com