1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:02,146 April! 2 00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:03,546 Listen, I was trying to buy 3 00:00:03,614 --> 00:00:05,248 this hand-crafted mahogany wood model 4 00:00:05,816 --> 00:00:08,650 of a B-25 Mitchell Panchito aircraft. 5 00:00:08,718 --> 00:00:10,852 - Aw, for me? - Don't sass me. 6 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:13,288 And I went to this website, and this ad popped up 7 00:00:13,356 --> 00:00:15,290 that said "Hey, Ron Swanson! 8 00:00:15,358 --> 00:00:17,326 Check out this great offer." 9 00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:19,260 What's your question? 10 00:00:19,329 --> 00:00:21,296 My question is, what the hell? 11 00:00:21,364 --> 00:00:23,031 Like, how did they know who you are? 12 00:00:23,098 --> 00:00:25,466 - Yeah. - Okay. 13 00:00:25,534 --> 00:00:27,835 Um, there are these things called cookies, 14 00:00:27,902 --> 00:00:30,270 where, like you go to a site and buy something, 15 00:00:30,339 --> 00:00:32,506 it'll remember you and then create ads 16 00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:33,874 for other stuff you might want to buy. 17 00:00:33,942 --> 00:00:37,110 So it learns information? About me? 18 00:00:37,178 --> 00:00:39,279 That seems like an invasion of privacy. 19 00:00:39,348 --> 00:00:40,780 Dude, if you think that's bad, 20 00:00:40,848 --> 00:00:43,783 go to Google Earth and type in your address. 21 00:00:56,230 --> 00:01:01,236 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 22 00:01:14,230 --> 00:01:18,136 The point is, Ben and I have been dating on and off for about a year. 23 00:01:18,449 --> 00:01:20,918 I am, of course, shocked... 24 00:01:20,986 --> 00:01:24,454 And not just because Ben usually prefers tall brunettes. 25 00:01:24,522 --> 00:01:25,556 We're very sorry 26 00:01:25,623 --> 00:01:28,659 for the position this puts you in. 27 00:01:28,726 --> 00:01:29,926 What's happening? 28 00:01:29,994 --> 00:01:31,260 Are you hugging me, or are we fighting? 29 00:01:31,328 --> 00:01:32,461 Are you hugging or fighting? Let me know. 30 00:01:32,529 --> 00:01:34,297 Neither of those things. 31 00:01:34,364 --> 00:01:36,099 I love both of you. 32 00:01:36,167 --> 00:01:38,534 You are exemplary government employees. 33 00:01:38,602 --> 00:01:41,237 "Exemplary"? That's the word we were thinking of. 34 00:01:41,305 --> 00:01:43,306 - Well, it's true. - Isn't it? 35 00:01:43,373 --> 00:01:45,140 Which makes what I'm about to say even sadder. 36 00:01:45,208 --> 00:01:46,775 Then don't say it. 37 00:01:46,843 --> 00:01:48,143 I'm launching a full investigation 38 00:01:48,211 --> 00:01:49,878 into the extent of your wrongdoing. 39 00:01:49,946 --> 00:01:52,314 Please report Monday first thing to the council chambers 40 00:01:52,381 --> 00:01:55,918 for your ethics trial and subsequent punishment. 41 00:01:59,155 --> 00:02:01,222 I told you we'd feel better. 42 00:02:03,625 --> 00:02:04,859 Hey. 43 00:02:04,927 --> 00:02:06,493 It's 6:30 in the morning. 44 00:02:06,561 --> 00:02:09,130 Your hearing doesn't start for another two hours. 45 00:02:09,198 --> 00:02:10,598 Well, I wanted to get here early, 46 00:02:10,665 --> 00:02:11,999 you know, get a feel of the room. 47 00:02:12,067 --> 00:02:14,268 - So you got here— - 3:00 A.M. 48 00:02:14,336 --> 00:02:15,737 I couldn't sleep anyway. 49 00:02:15,804 --> 00:02:18,205 Well, I wanted to sneak in before you got here— 50 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:21,174 an absurd pipe dream I now realize was impossible. 51 00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:22,809 Is that a present for me? 52 00:02:22,877 --> 00:02:24,544 Yeah. What do you think? 53 00:02:25,613 --> 00:02:26,847 Li'l Sebastian. 54 00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:28,548 Yeah, I had him made for you at the toy store. 55 00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:31,218 Aw, thank you so much for making my life so wonderful. 56 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,085 - You're welcome. - I was talking to him. 57 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,720 - Of course. - But also to you. 58 00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,088 Thanks. 59 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,556 I wish we could go through this together. 60 00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:38,891 Look, it's going to be okay. 61 00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,726 You're just gonna get a slap on the wrist, 62 00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:42,461 maybe a brief suspension. 63 00:02:42,528 --> 00:02:43,629 That's not okay. 64 00:02:43,696 --> 00:02:45,097 That's gonna go on my permanent record. 65 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,066 I'm not the kind of person that has a permanent record. 66 00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:50,068 For me, a slap on the wrist is like a kick to the nuts. 67 00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:51,970 I know it is. 68 00:02:52,037 --> 00:02:53,537 What's gonna happen to you? 69 00:02:53,605 --> 00:02:56,141 Don't worry about me. 70 00:02:56,208 --> 00:02:57,876 Well, look, I'll be outside all day, 71 00:02:57,943 --> 00:02:59,911 right on the other side of that wall. 72 00:02:59,979 --> 00:03:03,181 So, if you miss me, you just look at this... 73 00:03:03,249 --> 00:03:05,082 Wrinkled, hideous monster 74 00:03:05,150 --> 00:03:07,384 and you'll know I'm sitting there 75 00:03:07,451 --> 00:03:09,987 - rooting for you, okay? - Okay. 76 00:03:10,054 --> 00:03:11,354 All right. 77 00:03:11,422 --> 00:03:12,790 - Go. - Okay. 78 00:03:12,857 --> 00:03:15,192 Marcus Everett Langley was Pawnee's greatest lawyer 79 00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:16,860 at the turn of the century. 80 00:03:16,928 --> 00:03:19,196 His nickname was "Old Stone Face" 81 00:03:19,264 --> 00:03:20,530 because of his steely demeanor 82 00:03:20,598 --> 00:03:22,865 and because he got in an accident at the rock quarry 83 00:03:22,933 --> 00:03:25,501 and dynamite blew up his face. 84 00:03:26,268 --> 00:03:27,736 Leslie Knope! Good morning! 85 00:03:27,804 --> 00:03:30,206 It is snowing outside. Isn't that great? 86 00:03:30,273 --> 00:03:31,607 You seem like you're in a good mood. 87 00:03:31,674 --> 00:03:33,376 Actually, I'm quite miserable. 88 00:03:33,443 --> 00:03:35,378 I admire and respect you, 89 00:03:35,445 --> 00:03:37,445 and dragging you through an ethics trial 90 00:03:37,513 --> 00:03:38,980 is filling me with sadness. 91 00:03:39,048 --> 00:03:42,350 I have never felt so low. 92 00:03:42,418 --> 00:03:44,519 Well, you're radiating pure joy. 93 00:03:44,586 --> 00:03:46,754 I went to my herbalist and got two B-12 shots. 94 00:03:46,822 --> 00:03:49,891 And then I ate an unreasonable amount of St. John's wort, 95 00:03:49,958 --> 00:03:52,127 and my herbalist took this weird bee pollen paste 96 00:03:52,194 --> 00:03:53,460 rubbed it around my gums. 97 00:03:53,528 --> 00:03:55,695 And now my mouth feels like a spaceship. 98 00:03:55,763 --> 00:03:57,664 This is stressful. 99 00:03:57,863 --> 00:03:59,464 And stress leads to depression. 100 00:03:59,563 --> 00:04:02,364 And if I don't mantain an extremely high dosages of herbal remedies, 101 00:04:02,663 --> 00:04:05,164 I will get very depressed. 102 00:04:05,407 --> 00:04:06,873 Oh, God. 103 00:04:06,941 --> 00:04:08,575 It's happening right now. 104 00:04:08,643 --> 00:04:11,645 We are here today to determine whether Leslie Knope 105 00:04:11,712 --> 00:04:13,379 violated any municipal rules or laws 106 00:04:13,447 --> 00:04:15,148 due to her romantic relationship 107 00:04:15,215 --> 00:04:16,716 with her superior Ben Wyatt, 108 00:04:16,784 --> 00:04:18,552 whose hearing will be held tomorrow. 109 00:04:18,619 --> 00:04:20,854 Would you like to make a statement at this time? 110 00:04:21,422 --> 00:04:22,522 Yes. 111 00:04:22,590 --> 00:04:24,390 I freely admit to the relationship, 112 00:04:24,458 --> 00:04:26,091 and I will not be fighting the charges 113 00:04:26,159 --> 00:04:28,894 that we violated Chris' rule. 114 00:04:28,962 --> 00:04:32,364 But we did nothing else wrong or unethical. 115 00:04:32,432 --> 00:04:35,834 In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindle exposed her elbow outdoors, 116 00:04:35,902 --> 00:04:38,070 which was a class "A" felony. 117 00:04:38,137 --> 00:04:40,072 Although she felt the law unjust, 118 00:04:40,139 --> 00:04:42,239 she acknowledged that she had broken it, 119 00:04:42,307 --> 00:04:44,909 and she nobly accepted her punishment— 120 00:04:44,977 --> 00:04:46,611 to be set adrift on Lake Michigan 121 00:04:46,679 --> 00:04:48,412 like a human Popsicle. 122 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:51,382 Look how calm she looks. That's how I feel— 123 00:04:51,450 --> 00:04:52,917 totally zen. 124 00:04:52,985 --> 00:04:54,652 Ms. Knope, on what day 125 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,354 did your relationship with Ben Wyatt begin? 126 00:04:57,422 --> 00:05:01,825 Last May, at your request, Ben and I drove to Indianapolis 127 00:05:01,893 --> 00:05:03,460 to bid for the state little league tournament. 128 00:05:03,527 --> 00:05:05,896 The night we returned was the first time 129 00:05:05,964 --> 00:05:08,699 we kissed each other on each other's mouths. 130 00:05:08,766 --> 00:05:10,366 It was excellent. 131 00:05:10,934 --> 00:05:13,436 That was unnecessary to add. I'm sorry. I'm nervous. 132 00:05:13,504 --> 00:05:14,770 Next question— 133 00:05:14,838 --> 00:05:17,306 did you ever receive special treatment 134 00:05:17,373 --> 00:05:20,242 as a result of your relationship with Ben Wyatt? 135 00:05:20,310 --> 00:05:24,146 I received adorable nicknames and amazing back rubs. 136 00:05:24,214 --> 00:05:25,748 Oh, you mean professionally. No. 137 00:05:25,816 --> 00:05:29,051 And did you break any local, state, or federal law 138 00:05:29,119 --> 00:05:31,853 in an effort to cover up your relationship with Ben Wyatt? 139 00:05:31,921 --> 00:05:34,388 Absolutely not. 140 00:05:34,456 --> 00:05:36,357 Thank you. Ms. Knope, that is all. 141 00:05:36,425 --> 00:05:38,559 Mr. Traeger, this says you're gonna be calling 14 witnesses. 142 00:05:38,628 --> 00:05:39,961 Is that correct? 143 00:05:40,029 --> 00:05:41,162 Uh, yes, sir. 144 00:05:41,230 --> 00:05:42,563 14? Why so many? 145 00:05:42,632 --> 00:05:44,699 I've already admitted that I broke your rule. 146 00:05:44,767 --> 00:05:46,967 It's not my rule, Leslie. 147 00:05:47,035 --> 00:05:49,837 It is an important rule that exists in every government. 148 00:05:49,904 --> 00:05:51,238 Romantic relationships 149 00:05:51,305 --> 00:05:53,240 between superiors and their employees 150 00:05:53,307 --> 00:05:55,643 lead to fraud, corruption, and misuse of public funds. 151 00:05:55,710 --> 00:05:57,077 And you think I'm guilty of that? 152 00:05:57,145 --> 00:05:58,679 I think that you began your relationship 153 00:05:58,747 --> 00:06:00,480 with Ben Wyatt earlier than you're saying. 154 00:06:00,548 --> 00:06:02,682 I believe that you certainly received special treatment, 155 00:06:02,750 --> 00:06:05,251 and I think that you may even be guilty of bribery. 156 00:06:05,318 --> 00:06:06,853 None of those things are true. 157 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,656 And I will prove it, Mr. Traeger. 158 00:06:09,723 --> 00:06:11,590 Okay, ten-minute break please. 159 00:06:11,659 --> 00:06:12,925 Here you go, boss. 160 00:06:12,993 --> 00:06:15,862 Okay, guys, we need to counter every charge 161 00:06:15,929 --> 00:06:17,696 that Chris has leveled against me. 162 00:06:17,764 --> 00:06:19,330 - Andy, I need evidence. - Got it! 163 00:06:19,398 --> 00:06:21,166 Wait! You don't know what evidence. 164 00:06:21,233 --> 00:06:22,634 Ah, right on. Yes. Hit me. 165 00:06:22,702 --> 00:06:25,002 Next to my desk is a picture of a female politician— 166 00:06:25,070 --> 00:06:25,871 Bella Abzug. 167 00:06:25,938 --> 00:06:27,806 Get the key that's taped to the back of that picture. 168 00:06:27,874 --> 00:06:29,141 It opens up my bottom desk drawer 169 00:06:29,208 --> 00:06:30,876 in there are some files— pay attention. 170 00:06:30,943 --> 00:06:32,443 Where are you looking? Look here, focus here. 171 00:06:32,511 --> 00:06:33,912 Get the files in the drawer, 172 00:06:33,980 --> 00:06:35,513 and then get all the file boxes in the office. 173 00:06:35,581 --> 00:06:36,814 Put the files in the drawer. Let's go. 174 00:06:36,882 --> 00:06:38,849 - No. - Okay, I'll go with him. 175 00:06:38,917 --> 00:06:40,552 Thank you. Ron, Chris has 14 witnesses. 176 00:06:40,619 --> 00:06:42,187 I need you to talk to all the department heads 177 00:06:42,254 --> 00:06:43,555 and find out who's gonna testify. 178 00:06:43,622 --> 00:06:45,690 I don't know the names of the other department heads. 179 00:06:45,757 --> 00:06:47,792 I'll go with him. Seriously? With the men in this office? 180 00:06:47,859 --> 00:06:48,293 - Ann? - Yeah? 181 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,894 I need you to text me every 30 seconds 182 00:06:49,961 --> 00:06:51,829 - that everything's gonna be okay. - Okay. 183 00:06:54,799 --> 00:06:57,501 Thanks, Ann! 184 00:06:57,569 --> 00:07:00,204 I broke one rule, and I will accept a slap on the wrist. 185 00:07:00,271 --> 00:07:02,506 But when you sit back and let your reputation be destroyed. 186 00:07:02,574 --> 00:07:07,176 You go down in history as a frozen whore. 187 00:07:07,244 --> 00:07:08,544 I'm fighting. 188 00:07:09,244 --> 00:07:10,844 Hey, grab my computer. I'm all set. 189 00:07:10,845 --> 00:07:13,274 - Great. You're up next. - How is Ben? Is he sad? 190 00:07:13,341 --> 00:07:15,375 - You need to cheer him up, Ann. - Ben is fine. 191 00:07:15,443 --> 00:07:17,110 He says he's sorry he's not in here. 192 00:07:17,178 --> 00:07:18,946 He said to look at the monster. 193 00:07:19,013 --> 00:07:20,614 I'm hoping you know what that means. 194 00:07:20,682 --> 00:07:22,950 There's a rumor going around that Chris has a killer witness. 195 00:07:23,017 --> 00:07:24,416 How? Why? That makes no sense. 196 00:07:24,484 --> 00:07:25,751 There's no killer witness, 197 00:07:25,819 --> 00:07:27,252 because we didn't do anything wrong— 198 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:30,255 unless someone's planning to lie or slander us. 199 00:07:30,323 --> 00:07:32,959 Okay, just to be safe, find out who it is and silence him. 200 00:07:33,026 --> 00:07:35,327 - With pleasure. - Wait. Let me make it clear. 201 00:07:35,395 --> 00:07:39,598 Don't silence him. Just make sure he can't talk. 202 00:07:40,265 --> 00:07:41,432 Okay, we're back. 203 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:42,934 Clear this chamber, please. 204 00:07:43,002 --> 00:07:45,203 Ms. Perkins, Chris Traeger has questioned 205 00:07:45,270 --> 00:07:47,005 when my relationship with Ben Wyatt began. 206 00:07:47,374 --> 00:07:49,310 I'd like to direct you to your inbox 207 00:07:49,374 --> 00:07:51,910 and specifically an email entitled "yay". 208 00:07:51,978 --> 00:07:56,046 That's Y-A and 18 "Y's and 44 exclamation points. 209 00:07:56,114 --> 00:07:59,049 Yes, it is an email from you. 210 00:07:59,117 --> 00:08:00,484 Oh, and there's an attachment. 211 00:08:00,551 --> 00:08:02,419 Mm. Intriguing. 212 00:08:03,187 --> 00:08:05,055 Could you play the attachment, please? 213 00:08:05,123 --> 00:08:07,224 Sure. 214 00:08:07,291 --> 00:08:09,392 In a world on the brink 215 00:08:09,460 --> 00:08:12,962 of financial meltdown... 216 00:08:13,030 --> 00:08:17,233 In a town unlike any other... 217 00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:21,804 An adorable man with a cute face 218 00:08:21,872 --> 00:08:26,375 and the future president of the United States— 219 00:08:26,443 --> 00:08:27,576 what?-- 220 00:08:27,644 --> 00:08:30,145 went from being friends 221 00:08:30,212 --> 00:08:36,217 to being so much more. 222 00:08:36,285 --> 00:08:39,855 Ann! Ben and I hooked up last night! Aah! 223 00:08:39,922 --> 00:08:41,790 And I learned how to use iMovie. 224 00:08:41,858 --> 00:08:44,659 Call me later! Bye! 225 00:08:44,726 --> 00:08:47,061 So what was the date you received that email? 226 00:08:47,129 --> 00:08:50,031 - Uh, May 12th. - May 12th... 227 00:08:50,098 --> 00:08:53,067 The day after we returned from Indianapolis. 228 00:08:55,170 --> 00:08:56,737 Mr. Haverford, 229 00:08:56,805 --> 00:08:59,373 would you consider Leslie Knope a good employee? 230 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,841 Did Tom Ford turn around the House of Gucci? 231 00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:04,010 I do not know, but I'll assume that that is a yes. 232 00:09:04,078 --> 00:09:05,178 How long were you two lovers? 233 00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,713 - Excuse me? - Oh, God. 234 00:09:06,781 --> 00:09:09,049 Last march, I witnessed 235 00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:11,718 Leslie Knope and Tom Haverford 236 00:09:11,786 --> 00:09:15,055 engaged in a passionate yet tender kiss. 237 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,890 It seems that Ms. Knope has a pattern 238 00:09:17,957 --> 00:09:20,159 of becoming involved with her co-workers. 239 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,394 Tom, will you please tell the committee 240 00:09:22,461 --> 00:09:23,996 why we were kissing? 241 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:27,666 An online dating site randomly paired us up. 242 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,902 So, as a joke, I thought it would be funny 243 00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:32,737 to pretend you and I were dating. 244 00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:35,673 And then you kissed me as a joke... 245 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:37,075 To shut me up. 246 00:09:37,142 --> 00:09:39,944 But we never had any other romantic contact after that. 247 00:09:40,012 --> 00:09:43,181 No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt. 248 00:09:43,248 --> 00:09:45,282 No, it wouldn't. 249 00:09:45,350 --> 00:09:46,984 Well, we've been at it for hours. 250 00:09:47,052 --> 00:09:49,285 And I did have some problem with my character witnesses. 251 00:09:49,353 --> 00:09:50,921 I don't know why Leslie Knope's on trial. 252 00:09:50,988 --> 00:09:52,789 Ethel Beavers did it! 253 00:09:52,857 --> 00:09:54,557 - Beavers did it! - Sit down. 254 00:09:54,625 --> 00:09:57,060 I will hold myself in contempt of the court! 255 00:09:57,128 --> 00:09:58,929 Is this about the laptop? I didn't mean to steal it. 256 00:09:58,996 --> 00:10:00,763 I took it home, and I spaced. I forgot. 257 00:10:00,831 --> 00:10:01,832 I'm gonna bring it back. 258 00:10:01,899 --> 00:10:04,700 It totally works, but I got spaghetti in the keyboard. 259 00:10:04,768 --> 00:10:06,436 What laptop? 260 00:10:08,003 --> 00:10:08,938 Objection. 261 00:10:09,005 --> 00:10:11,774 But other than that, I think I'm winning. 262 00:10:11,842 --> 00:10:14,176 I've refuted every one of Chris' claims so far. 263 00:10:15,244 --> 00:10:18,147 I have here a receipt from Pawnee Supersuites Motel. 264 00:10:18,215 --> 00:10:21,816 Leslie Knope submitted that receipt for reimbursement. 265 00:10:21,884 --> 00:10:25,787 Taxpayers' money is not meant to be spent on a romantic getaway. 266 00:10:26,255 --> 00:10:28,923 Donna, will you please describe what we were wearing 267 00:10:28,991 --> 00:10:30,825 the evening you saw us? 268 00:10:30,893 --> 00:10:33,427 Um, khakis and button-down shirts— 269 00:10:33,495 --> 00:10:34,963 your basic white people clothes. 270 00:10:35,030 --> 00:10:36,964 And when you walked into the room, what did it look like? 271 00:10:37,031 --> 00:10:38,232 Did it look like anything romantic had happened? 272 00:10:38,299 --> 00:10:39,332 Oh, hell, no. 273 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,269 I have ruined my share of hotel rooms, 274 00:10:42,336 --> 00:10:44,537 and trust me, nothing sexual happened in that room. 275 00:10:44,605 --> 00:10:46,306 It kind of looked like an office. 276 00:10:46,374 --> 00:10:48,175 Maybe because it was an office. 277 00:10:48,243 --> 00:10:50,944 City Hall was being fumigated, 278 00:10:51,012 --> 00:10:52,845 and we need to pull an all-nighter. 279 00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:55,114 The only thing that was ravaged 280 00:10:55,182 --> 00:10:57,817 were these federal grant proposals 281 00:10:57,885 --> 00:11:00,019 that Donna had dropped off earlier. 282 00:11:00,087 --> 00:11:02,321 I've seen over 200 episodes of Law & Order, 283 00:11:02,389 --> 00:11:04,157 and it's paying off big-time. 284 00:11:04,224 --> 00:11:08,026 And by the way, we got the gramps— 285 00:11:08,094 --> 00:11:10,262 grants. God! Oh. 286 00:11:10,329 --> 00:11:12,363 It was gonna be such an awesome moment. 287 00:11:12,731 --> 00:11:15,101 So, Ethel, you've been to a million of these ethics trials. 288 00:11:15,169 --> 00:11:19,204 - What do you think my chances are? - I'd say it's 50/50. 289 00:11:19,272 --> 00:11:22,640 You want to put money on it, I'll give you 60/40 against. 290 00:11:22,708 --> 00:11:24,542 Is it ethical for a court stenographer 291 00:11:24,610 --> 00:11:26,043 to bet on the outcome of a hearing? 292 00:11:26,111 --> 00:11:27,445 You tell me. 293 00:11:27,513 --> 00:11:29,146 You're the one on trial. 294 00:11:29,214 --> 00:11:33,184 Ron Swanson to the stand, please. 295 00:11:33,251 --> 00:11:35,520 Mr. Swanson, there has been a question posed 296 00:11:35,587 --> 00:11:37,789 about when my relationship with Ben Wyatt ended. 297 00:11:37,856 --> 00:11:39,390 Can you confirm that you own a cabin 298 00:11:39,458 --> 00:11:41,725 - at 930— - Ah! 299 00:11:41,793 --> 00:11:43,193 Stop, please. 300 00:11:43,260 --> 00:11:45,195 I don't like to give out my address to anyone, 301 00:11:45,262 --> 00:11:47,364 much less have it on an official record. 302 00:11:47,432 --> 00:11:49,466 Ron, don't be ridiculous. This is very important. 303 00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:51,901 - Do you own a cabin— - Ah! 304 00:11:51,969 --> 00:11:54,237 9301 Cedarcrest Dr— 305 00:11:54,305 --> 00:11:56,472 - 9301 Cedarcrest Dr— - Beep! 306 00:11:56,540 --> 00:11:58,040 I didn't hear that. 307 00:11:58,107 --> 00:12:00,576 9301 Cedarcrest Drive! 308 00:12:05,148 --> 00:12:07,082 She's here. 309 00:12:07,150 --> 00:12:08,250 Who's here? 310 00:12:08,318 --> 00:12:10,753 My ex-wife—Tammy two. 311 00:12:10,821 --> 00:12:13,421 I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves. 312 00:12:13,489 --> 00:12:15,523 Good nose, Ron. Tammy Swanson is here. 313 00:12:15,591 --> 00:12:16,858 She'll be my next witness. 314 00:12:16,925 --> 00:12:19,260 Tammy two is your killer witness? 315 00:12:19,328 --> 00:12:21,095 Please! You're gonna have to do better— 316 00:12:21,163 --> 00:12:22,930 Actually, she is a terrifying sociopath 317 00:12:22,998 --> 00:12:25,066 who could say or do anything— 318 00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:27,268 A pretty good killer witness. 319 00:12:27,336 --> 00:12:30,103 Ms. Swanson, do you, as you claimed, 320 00:12:30,171 --> 00:12:31,839 have evidence linking 321 00:12:31,906 --> 00:12:33,841 Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law breaking? 322 00:12:33,908 --> 00:12:34,842 Absolutely. 323 00:12:34,909 --> 00:12:36,243 I have several photographs 324 00:12:36,310 --> 00:12:38,111 that will definitively prove— 325 00:12:38,179 --> 00:12:39,780 May I remind you that you are under oath, 326 00:12:39,848 --> 00:12:41,915 and if you lie, I will fire you and have you prosecuted. 327 00:12:41,983 --> 00:12:43,116 Nothing. 328 00:12:43,184 --> 00:12:45,217 They will definitively prove nothing. 329 00:12:45,285 --> 00:12:46,686 You cut me off. 330 00:12:46,754 --> 00:12:48,588 I don't have any evidence. 331 00:12:48,655 --> 00:12:50,289 Oh, Chris— so silly. 332 00:12:50,357 --> 00:12:51,624 Okay, bye, guys. 333 00:12:51,692 --> 00:12:53,459 Leslie, have fun with this trial. 334 00:12:53,527 --> 00:12:56,061 Yay! 335 00:12:56,129 --> 00:13:00,132 I think I've proven that the only rule Ben and I broke 336 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,200 was dating each other. 337 00:13:02,268 --> 00:13:04,603 And I am very happy that I have not uncovered 338 00:13:04,670 --> 00:13:06,872 any additional evidence of unethical behavior. 339 00:13:06,939 --> 00:13:08,540 But I-I do have one last witness— 340 00:13:08,608 --> 00:13:10,575 George Williams from Public Works. 341 00:13:10,643 --> 00:13:15,046 George Williams? Who's— 342 00:13:15,114 --> 00:13:16,647 Oh, George Williams— 343 00:13:16,715 --> 00:13:19,550 He's just a maintenance worker, NASCAR enthusiast, I believe. 344 00:13:19,618 --> 00:13:21,251 And, oh, interesting tidbit— 345 00:13:21,319 --> 00:13:24,822 I once bribed him to keep my relationship with Ben quiet. 346 00:13:26,354 --> 00:13:29,783 You're saying that you saw Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope 347 00:13:29,784 --> 00:13:31,485 kissing at Li'l Sebastian's memorial? 348 00:13:31,553 --> 00:13:32,819 Yeah! 349 00:13:32,887 --> 00:13:35,689 Can you identify Leslie Knope in this chamber? 350 00:13:35,757 --> 00:13:38,158 - She's right there. - Right— 351 00:13:38,626 --> 00:13:41,261 And what happened after this incident? 352 00:13:41,328 --> 00:13:42,828 Well, I got real nervous. 353 00:13:42,896 --> 00:13:45,430 They came up to me, and they told me to forget what I saw. 354 00:13:45,498 --> 00:13:48,467 What you saw was not what you think it is. 355 00:13:48,535 --> 00:13:50,870 I have a gift certificate, actually, for you. 356 00:13:50,937 --> 00:13:52,337 Oh, my God. 357 00:13:52,405 --> 00:13:54,506 And then they gave me a $50 gift certificate 358 00:13:54,574 --> 00:13:55,775 to a spa and said... 359 00:13:55,842 --> 00:13:59,010 And thank you for your discretion. 360 00:13:59,078 --> 00:14:00,779 - And did you use it? - Yeah. 361 00:14:00,846 --> 00:14:02,180 I got a facial. 362 00:14:02,247 --> 00:14:04,549 My wife said my skin was luminous. 363 00:14:04,616 --> 00:14:05,817 That's enough. 364 00:14:05,885 --> 00:14:07,318 Now, in order to cover up their illicit affair, 365 00:14:07,386 --> 00:14:10,889 Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope bribed a city employee. 366 00:14:10,956 --> 00:14:12,724 George, I notice that you're wearing glasses, 367 00:14:12,792 --> 00:14:14,592 yet on the day in question, 368 00:14:14,660 --> 00:14:16,393 I don't recall you wearing glasses. 369 00:14:16,460 --> 00:14:18,962 Could it be because you weren't wearing glasses? 370 00:14:19,030 --> 00:14:20,330 I never wear 'em on the job. 371 00:14:20,398 --> 00:14:22,632 Can you take your glasses off, please, 372 00:14:22,701 --> 00:14:24,134 and read this for us? 373 00:14:24,202 --> 00:14:27,104 "I could read this if I weren't so blind." 374 00:14:27,172 --> 00:14:28,839 Well, that went terribly. 375 00:14:28,907 --> 00:14:31,307 I need to check some facts and figures. 376 00:14:31,374 --> 00:14:33,076 I would like to request a 55-day recess. 377 00:14:33,143 --> 00:14:34,844 You can have 30 minutes, 378 00:14:34,912 --> 00:14:38,414 but we're nearing the end here, Ms. Knope. 379 00:14:38,481 --> 00:14:41,084 Okay, guys, my only hope is that in one of these old books, 380 00:14:41,151 --> 00:14:42,819 there's some weird, arcane statute or government rule 381 00:14:42,886 --> 00:14:44,153 that helps me. 382 00:14:44,221 --> 00:14:47,689 So everybody grab a volume, and let's just read up. 383 00:14:47,757 --> 00:14:49,991 Okay, mine doesn't have any pictures. 384 00:14:50,559 --> 00:14:54,096 Does anyone have anything? Did anybody find anything good? 385 00:14:54,163 --> 00:14:57,999 In 1856, the city council banned all sexual positions 386 00:14:58,067 --> 00:15:00,001 except for missionary. 387 00:15:00,069 --> 00:15:02,470 And two years later, they banned missionary. 388 00:15:02,538 --> 00:15:05,172 1882, should a presbyterian speak out of turn, 389 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:06,941 he may be caned across the shinbone. 390 00:15:07,008 --> 00:15:08,308 Oh, my God. 391 00:15:08,376 --> 00:15:10,978 Black people still can't legally use city sidewalks. 392 00:15:11,046 --> 00:15:13,214 Look, I know we're not supposed to be seen together, 393 00:15:13,281 --> 00:15:15,082 but I think Ben could be really helpful with this. 394 00:15:15,150 --> 00:15:17,517 - Can somebody go get him? - All right, I'll go. 395 00:15:17,585 --> 00:15:20,653 "Any woman caught laughing is a witch." 396 00:15:20,721 --> 00:15:22,421 That's true. 397 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:23,890 Um, he's not there. 398 00:15:23,958 --> 00:15:26,392 No, he said he'd just be on the other side of that wall. 399 00:15:26,460 --> 00:15:28,895 - He's probably in the bathroom. - All right, I'll find him. 400 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:40,205 This mural is called Bad Pawnee, Good Pawnee. 401 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,740 All the terrible things that have happened 402 00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:43,976 in this town's history are on one side. 403 00:15:44,043 --> 00:15:46,278 And on the other side are all the good things 404 00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:47,846 that have happened. 405 00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:49,481 I'm on the bad side. 406 00:15:49,548 --> 00:15:51,548 - No, you're not. - Yes, I am, Ron. 407 00:15:51,616 --> 00:15:53,785 I'm guilty. I did something bad. 408 00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:56,320 I'm a bad person. 409 00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:58,990 It's not that simple. 410 00:15:59,057 --> 00:16:02,326 You know what makes a good person good? 411 00:16:02,394 --> 00:16:04,495 When a good person does something bad, 412 00:16:04,562 --> 00:16:06,497 they own up to it. 413 00:16:06,564 --> 00:16:10,533 They try to learn something from it, and they move on. 414 00:16:13,370 --> 00:16:15,005 Guys, everybody stop reading— 415 00:16:15,072 --> 00:16:16,907 no more loopholes, no more fighting. 416 00:16:16,974 --> 00:16:18,074 Are you sure, boss? 417 00:16:18,142 --> 00:16:19,843 Yeah. I know I let you down. 418 00:16:19,911 --> 00:16:21,945 And I just want to say I'm really sorry. 419 00:16:22,013 --> 00:16:23,512 Leslie, what are you talking about? 420 00:16:23,579 --> 00:16:24,980 Yeah, this makes me like you more. 421 00:16:25,048 --> 00:16:27,283 Bribing someone to hide a sexcapade— 422 00:16:27,350 --> 00:16:28,650 I'm proud to call you a friend. 423 00:16:28,718 --> 00:16:30,319 And I always liked you. 424 00:16:30,386 --> 00:16:32,387 Okay, we're back. 425 00:16:32,455 --> 00:16:35,090 Clear the chamber, please. 426 00:16:35,158 --> 00:16:38,993 I think I'm about to get fired, Ron. 427 00:16:39,061 --> 00:16:41,896 Ms. Knope, unless you have any objections, 428 00:16:41,964 --> 00:16:43,631 we'll be ending this investigation 429 00:16:43,699 --> 00:16:46,301 and moving on to the punishment phase. 430 00:16:46,368 --> 00:16:48,469 I have no objections. 431 00:16:48,537 --> 00:16:51,639 We hereby hand down the following judgment. 432 00:16:51,707 --> 00:16:54,642 You will be suspended for two weeks with pay. 433 00:16:54,710 --> 00:16:57,410 - Just two weeks? - Correct. 434 00:16:57,478 --> 00:17:00,080 This concludes the investigation. 435 00:17:02,383 --> 00:17:04,484 I thought I was gonna get fired. 436 00:17:04,552 --> 00:17:06,786 I should've gotten fired. Why didn't I get fired? 437 00:17:07,355 --> 00:17:10,824 Ben asked for a private meeting with the committee, 438 00:17:10,891 --> 00:17:13,993 and he took full responsibility for the bribe 439 00:17:14,061 --> 00:17:16,162 and resigned, effective immediately. 440 00:17:16,230 --> 00:17:17,496 What? Wait. Hang on. 441 00:17:17,564 --> 00:17:19,332 You can't let him resign. 442 00:17:19,399 --> 00:17:21,167 I tried to talk him out of it, but... 443 00:17:21,235 --> 00:17:24,303 His mind was made up. 444 00:17:24,371 --> 00:17:26,638 Look, my job is to protect the government 445 00:17:26,706 --> 00:17:29,640 from fraud and corruption. 446 00:17:29,708 --> 00:17:31,776 I was just doing my job. 447 00:17:31,844 --> 00:17:34,179 I hope that you can understand that. 448 00:17:34,247 --> 00:17:35,713 I do. 449 00:17:35,781 --> 00:17:37,048 Honestly, I do. 450 00:17:37,116 --> 00:17:39,050 'Cause your actions wounded me to my core, 451 00:17:39,118 --> 00:17:41,186 which is not easy since the bulk of my workouts 452 00:17:41,254 --> 00:17:44,121 are focused on core strengthening. 453 00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:46,957 But we will get through this. You are... 454 00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:48,825 An excellent government employee. 455 00:17:48,894 --> 00:17:50,627 And more importantly, 456 00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:52,462 you're the only person I've ever met who's worthy 457 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:55,132 of being Ben's girlfriend. 458 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,901 I hope that's true. 459 00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:02,405 You know, the meeting that Ben and I had— 460 00:18:02,472 --> 00:18:04,307 it's on the record. 461 00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:07,209 You should take a look at the last page of the transcript. 462 00:18:10,580 --> 00:18:13,616 "Mr. Chris, for God's sake, 463 00:18:13,683 --> 00:18:15,884 "would you mind not jumping for a while?" 464 00:18:15,952 --> 00:18:17,519 Mr. "Sorry, Ben, but"... 465 00:18:17,586 --> 00:18:20,122 This is how I fight depression. 466 00:18:20,189 --> 00:18:21,390 Okay, fine. I'll stop. 467 00:18:21,457 --> 00:18:23,025 Thank you. 468 00:18:23,092 --> 00:18:25,994 Okay, so you are prepared 469 00:18:26,062 --> 00:18:28,797 to resign, effective immediately, 470 00:18:28,864 --> 00:18:31,565 and take full responsibility for all the events 471 00:18:31,633 --> 00:18:34,268 that transpired at Li'l Sebastian's memorial. 472 00:18:34,336 --> 00:18:36,503 - "Mr. That is correct." - That is correct. 473 00:18:36,571 --> 00:18:38,172 "Mr. Okay, fine. 474 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,641 "This makes me sadder than I previously thought 475 00:18:40,708 --> 00:18:43,577 "humanly possible, but I accept your resignation. 476 00:18:43,645 --> 00:18:45,879 Can I ask you one more question?" 477 00:18:45,948 --> 00:18:49,382 Was all of this— all the sneaking around, 478 00:18:49,450 --> 00:18:51,584 the scandal, losing your job— 479 00:18:51,652 --> 00:18:53,453 Was it worth it? 480 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:55,388 Yes. 481 00:18:55,456 --> 00:18:57,190 It was. 482 00:18:57,258 --> 00:18:59,459 "Because I love Leslie. I want to be with her. 483 00:18:59,526 --> 00:19:00,961 "And I don't want to hide 484 00:19:01,028 --> 00:19:03,562 "the way I feel about her anymore. 485 00:19:03,629 --> 00:19:04,896 "So, yeah, it was worth it, 486 00:19:04,965 --> 00:19:07,199 "because I'm in love with Leslie Knope. 487 00:19:07,267 --> 00:19:09,568 "Mr. That was beautiful. 488 00:19:09,635 --> 00:19:11,870 "I'm literally crying and jumping. 489 00:19:11,938 --> 00:19:15,307 "Crying noise, crying noise, nose blow. 490 00:19:15,375 --> 00:19:17,242 "Mr. It's gonna be okay. 491 00:19:17,310 --> 00:19:18,444 Mr. ..." 492 00:19:18,511 --> 00:19:21,479 Oh. 493 00:19:23,715 --> 00:19:26,284 Let it out, I guess. 494 00:19:26,352 --> 00:19:28,052 "End transcript." 495 00:19:34,059 --> 00:19:35,625 Hi, honey, how was your day? 496 00:19:35,693 --> 00:19:38,661 Oh, I've had better. 497 00:19:38,729 --> 00:19:40,163 How about you? 498 00:19:40,231 --> 00:19:42,699 I can't believe you did that for me. 499 00:19:42,766 --> 00:19:44,101 Well, I was pretty sure 500 00:19:44,168 --> 00:19:46,603 it was gonna happen one way or the other. 501 00:19:46,670 --> 00:19:48,605 I hope it doesn't affect your campaign. 502 00:19:48,672 --> 00:19:50,374 Don't worry about that right now. 503 00:19:50,441 --> 00:19:53,376 There was a piece of testimony that came out during the trial 504 00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:56,845 that I think you'd be interested in. 505 00:19:56,913 --> 00:20:00,082 Ethel? 506 00:20:00,150 --> 00:20:03,152 Ethel, could you please read page 132 507 00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:07,188 of the official testimony? 508 00:20:07,256 --> 00:20:09,957 "Ethel Beavers: The official record 509 00:20:10,026 --> 00:20:12,927 "has now annoyingly been reopened 510 00:20:12,995 --> 00:20:15,696 "so that Leslie Knope can make a statement. 511 00:20:15,764 --> 00:20:20,368 "Leslie Knope: Let the record state that I, Leslie Knope, 512 00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:22,003 "love Ben Wyatt. 513 00:20:22,071 --> 00:20:24,371 "I love him with all of my heart. 514 00:20:24,439 --> 00:20:25,606 "Did you get that? 515 00:20:25,674 --> 00:20:28,876 Ethel Beavers: Yes, I got it." 516 00:20:28,944 --> 00:20:31,612 Thank you, Ethel. 517 00:20:34,616 --> 00:20:37,752 Can I get a ride home? It's freezing. 518 00:20:39,159 --> 00:20:42,228 Can you please state your name for the committee? 519 00:20:43,295 --> 00:20:45,930 - Gary Gergich. - Oh, God, Jerry. 520 00:20:45,998 --> 00:20:47,764 You can't even get your own name right. 521 00:20:47,832 --> 00:20:50,234 Actually, my real name is Gary. 522 00:20:50,801 --> 00:20:51,401 Gary? 523 00:20:51,469 --> 00:20:52,903 On my first day here, the old director— 524 00:20:52,971 --> 00:20:54,137 he called me Jerry, 525 00:20:54,205 --> 00:20:56,039 and I just didn't think I should correct him. 526 00:20:56,107 --> 00:20:57,975 That's ridiculous. Your name is Jerry. 527 00:20:58,042 --> 00:20:59,042 No. 528 00:20:59,110 --> 00:21:01,211 Legally my name is Gary. 529 00:21:01,279 --> 00:21:03,412 Gary Gergich? 530 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:04,881 Jerry Gergich. 531 00:21:04,948 --> 00:21:07,083 Gary Gergich. Jerry Gergich. 532 00:21:07,150 --> 00:21:09,185 Gary Gergich. Jerry— God, they're both horrible. 533 00:21:09,253 --> 00:21:12,255 But Jerry's better. I'm gonna call you Jerry. 534 00:21:12,322 --> 00:21:16,926 Okay, Jerry, do you remember a time... 535 00:21:18,495 --> 00:21:20,262 I'm sorry. I can't get over the Gary/Jerry thing. 536 00:21:20,329 --> 00:21:21,596 Neither can I. Jerry, you can go. 537 00:21:21,663 --> 00:21:22,898 We need a five-minute break. 538 00:21:23,169 --> 00:21:28,206 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com