1 00:00:00,413 --> 00:00:01,430 Okay, time for gifts. 2 00:00:01,513 --> 00:00:05,230 We have gift certificates for facials for everybody, 3 00:00:05,531 --> 00:00:07,630 then you're gonna get a needlepoint pillow 4 00:00:07,631 --> 00:00:09,712 with your face on it and a news headline 5 00:00:09,713 --> 00:00:11,330 from a newspaper on the day you were born. 6 00:00:11,348 --> 00:00:13,566 "Joseph Stalin dies"? 7 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,201 That's right, Mom, and you replaced him. 8 00:00:15,235 --> 00:00:17,470 Though not in terms of genocide. 9 00:00:17,504 --> 00:00:19,388 Just in terms of, you know, being on earth. 10 00:00:19,439 --> 00:00:22,691 February 14th, Valentine's Day, is about romance, 11 00:00:22,726 --> 00:00:26,278 but February 13th, galentine's day, 12 00:00:26,313 --> 00:00:28,013 is about celebrating lady friends. 13 00:00:28,048 --> 00:00:30,850 It's wonderful, and it should be a national holiday. 14 00:00:31,384 --> 00:00:32,868 It should be a national holiday. 15 00:00:33,903 --> 00:00:36,689 Dear Congress, it's Leslie again. 16 00:00:36,723 --> 00:00:38,958 Let's talk about personal relationships. 17 00:00:38,992 --> 00:00:40,025 Who wants to start? Donna? 18 00:00:40,060 --> 00:00:42,495 I have several men in rotation. 19 00:00:42,529 --> 00:00:43,529 One's waiting for me out in the car. 20 00:00:44,714 --> 00:00:46,499 Don't worry, I rolled down the window. 21 00:00:46,533 --> 00:00:48,601 April, you're the old married broad here. 22 00:00:48,635 --> 00:00:49,701 - How's Andy? - Well... 23 00:00:49,719 --> 00:00:51,837 Last week he was supposed to buy gas, 24 00:00:51,871 --> 00:00:54,106 but instead he bought novelty cookie cutters. 25 00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:56,075 Now everything we eat is shaped like a dinosaur. 26 00:00:56,109 --> 00:00:57,644 He's amazing. 27 00:00:58,278 --> 00:01:00,679 Great. And mom, how's it going with Steven? 28 00:01:00,713 --> 00:01:02,548 Well, I met him on the Internet 29 00:01:02,566 --> 00:01:05,734 because of my lovely daughter, 30 00:01:05,769 --> 00:01:09,238 and we are compatible. 31 00:01:09,272 --> 00:01:10,606 La, la, la, la, la, la, la. 32 00:01:10,657 --> 00:01:13,058 Okay, no, no, no, no, no. Ann, can you start talking? 33 00:01:13,093 --> 00:01:15,744 Well, I'm—I'm—I'm in a bit of a lull right now, 34 00:01:15,779 --> 00:01:18,497 but I'm so glad that you all have people in your lives 35 00:01:18,532 --> 00:01:20,699 that you care about, so... Congrats! 36 00:01:22,202 --> 00:01:25,004 It's really hard to say congrats without sounding sarcastic. 37 00:01:25,038 --> 00:01:29,408 Seriously, I really hope you guys are all very happy— 38 00:01:29,443 --> 00:01:31,110 - Damn it. - We are. 39 00:01:36,516 --> 00:01:41,116 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 40 00:01:52,699 --> 00:01:54,450 Ann, I just wanted to say 41 00:01:54,484 --> 00:01:55,784 I'm sorry if I put you on the spot 42 00:01:55,819 --> 00:01:57,269 when I asked you about your love life. 43 00:01:57,287 --> 00:01:58,604 How are you doing? 44 00:01:58,622 --> 00:02:01,607 You know, I'm mostly fine being single. 45 00:02:01,641 --> 00:02:04,276 It's just this time of year with the hearts and roses, 46 00:02:04,294 --> 00:02:05,544 it just gets me a little down. 47 00:02:06,579 --> 00:02:08,797 But galentine's day made me feel better, 48 00:02:08,832 --> 00:02:10,799 so thanks. 49 00:02:10,834 --> 00:02:13,486 Oh, Ann, you beautiful spinster. 50 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:14,487 I will find you love. 51 00:02:14,521 --> 00:02:15,888 What? Did you say something? 52 00:02:15,922 --> 00:02:17,356 Love you. 53 00:02:17,390 --> 00:02:20,025 Thank you all for being here. 54 00:02:20,060 --> 00:02:21,026 Let's get started. 55 00:02:21,561 --> 00:02:23,679 Wow. Great attitude, Ron. 56 00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:27,766 Sorry, I was talking to these ribs. 57 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:30,102 Okay, so the Valentine's Day dance 58 00:02:30,136 --> 00:02:31,871 is planned, prepped, and under budget, 59 00:02:31,905 --> 00:02:34,356 but we have one final task. 60 00:02:34,407 --> 00:02:35,808 Ann Perkins is currently attending 61 00:02:35,842 --> 00:02:39,345 the Valentine's Day dance alone, so I need each one of you 62 00:02:39,379 --> 00:02:41,664 to bring an eligible bachelor for her tomorrow. 63 00:02:41,698 --> 00:02:43,415 Ann's not totally hideous. 64 00:02:43,450 --> 00:02:44,500 Why does she need our help? 65 00:02:44,534 --> 00:02:45,918 Because that's what friends do, April. 66 00:02:45,952 --> 00:02:48,153 They help friends find happiness. 67 00:02:48,188 --> 00:02:49,889 Now the last guy she liked was Chris, 68 00:02:49,923 --> 00:02:52,324 but she can't date him again because he's her boss. 69 00:02:52,342 --> 00:02:54,510 So when we're thinking of prospective sweethearts, 70 00:02:54,544 --> 00:02:58,497 we need to think of people who are... Attractive 71 00:02:58,515 --> 00:03:00,900 and smart and kind. 72 00:03:00,934 --> 00:03:03,002 And if you're wondering what kind of guy is right for Ann, 73 00:03:03,036 --> 00:03:04,687 all you need to do is ask. 74 00:03:04,721 --> 00:03:07,339 Also you need to find someone educated, 75 00:03:07,357 --> 00:03:08,507 and friendly, and fun— 76 00:03:08,542 --> 00:03:10,509 - just tell us the damn word. 77 00:03:10,527 --> 00:03:13,245 Effervescent, he needs to be effervescent. 78 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,780 Quick question about Ann— 79 00:03:14,814 --> 00:03:17,750 does anyone know if she has any indian in her? 80 00:03:17,784 --> 00:03:19,018 No one respond. 81 00:03:19,052 --> 00:03:20,119 - No one say anything. - Why? 82 00:03:20,153 --> 00:03:22,288 I'm just curious if Ann 83 00:03:22,322 --> 00:03:25,057 - has a little indian in her. - Silence. 84 00:03:25,091 --> 00:03:26,858 - I don't think she does. - Would she like some? 85 00:03:26,876 --> 00:03:28,210 Jerry! 86 00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:30,810 Happy Valentine's Day. 87 00:03:31,097 --> 00:03:34,466 And... Ooh-ah! 88 00:03:34,501 --> 00:03:35,968 - Yachter Otter? - Yup. 89 00:03:36,002 --> 00:03:38,070 Two months ago, I have a dream 90 00:03:38,104 --> 00:03:39,972 about a playboy otter lost at sea, 91 00:03:40,006 --> 00:03:41,240 and you make him real? 92 00:03:41,274 --> 00:03:43,108 - Uh-huh. - I love it. 93 00:03:43,143 --> 00:03:44,476 I thought we had agreed that we weren't 94 00:03:44,511 --> 00:03:46,262 gonna get each other presents 'cause we were too busy 95 00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:47,930 with the campaign— I got you something too. 96 00:03:48,932 --> 00:03:51,984 Oh, a... bomb? 97 00:03:52,018 --> 00:03:54,320 It is a cryptex, like in that movie The Da Vinci Code, 98 00:03:54,354 --> 00:03:56,105 which was the first movie that you and I ever watched 99 00:03:56,156 --> 00:03:59,275 - on Starz HD. - Wow, that's specific. 100 00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:02,094 Inside it will tell you where to meet me at 9:00 P.M. tonight, 101 00:04:02,128 --> 00:04:04,597 and the combination is a five-letter code 102 00:04:04,631 --> 00:04:07,399 that captures the essence of our third date. 103 00:04:07,417 --> 00:04:09,168 - Yeah... - So I will see you tonight. 104 00:04:09,202 --> 00:04:11,670 Unless... You can't crack the code. 105 00:04:12,705 --> 00:04:15,341 I think I can crack the code. 106 00:04:17,627 --> 00:04:19,011 I have no idea what the code is. 107 00:04:19,045 --> 00:04:20,579 Hey, man, you okay? 108 00:04:20,614 --> 00:04:22,348 Still thinking about your ex? 109 00:04:22,382 --> 00:04:26,885 Millicent Gergich has literally 110 00:04:26,919 --> 00:04:30,356 torn my heart from my body and replaced it 111 00:04:30,390 --> 00:04:34,760 with a thick slab of sadness. 112 00:04:34,794 --> 00:04:36,061 I may never smile again. 113 00:04:37,464 --> 00:04:40,566 Cool, so I found a DJ for the dance, 114 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,951 and his name is DJ Bluntz. 115 00:04:43,986 --> 00:04:46,822 Tom, this is a publicly funded couples dance. 116 00:04:46,873 --> 00:04:48,874 I don't think it's appropriate for people 117 00:04:48,908 --> 00:04:51,160 to be getting "wet with sound." 118 00:04:51,211 --> 00:04:52,344 Who's gonna do it, then? 119 00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:54,813 I will. I certainly have no other plans 120 00:04:54,848 --> 00:04:58,617 for Valentine's Day, because I am completely alone. 121 00:05:00,670 --> 00:05:02,688 All right, I'll see you later, Chris. 122 00:05:03,723 --> 00:05:04,990 Aw, cool cryptex, can I have it? 123 00:05:05,025 --> 00:05:06,308 Hey, no. No, you can't— 124 00:05:06,343 --> 00:05:07,393 Where'd you get it? 125 00:05:07,427 --> 00:05:08,761 How do you know what a cryptex is? 126 00:05:08,795 --> 00:05:10,846 I know what things are. 127 00:05:10,897 --> 00:05:13,465 Well, Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place 128 00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:14,767 - in here. - No. 129 00:05:14,801 --> 00:05:16,685 I tried every five-letter word that has anything 130 00:05:16,736 --> 00:05:17,970 to do with our third date. 131 00:05:19,004 --> 00:05:21,040 Have you tried? 132 00:05:21,074 --> 00:05:22,441 That's a four-letter word. 133 00:05:22,475 --> 00:05:24,193 Oh. Add an "s"? 134 00:05:24,244 --> 00:05:25,744 I really don't think it's that. 135 00:05:25,779 --> 00:05:27,479 Uh, I wish I could help you, bro, I don't know if I can. 136 00:05:27,497 --> 00:05:30,049 You're, like, the second smartest guy I know. 137 00:05:30,083 --> 00:05:32,051 You should go to the first smartest guy I know. 138 00:05:32,085 --> 00:05:33,669 Okay, so the clue is inside, 139 00:05:33,703 --> 00:05:37,172 but it takes a five-letter code to open it— Andy! 140 00:05:37,707 --> 00:05:38,925 Did you try? 141 00:05:39,517 --> 00:05:40,125 Ha! 142 00:05:40,159 --> 00:05:42,461 Yes, why is that everyone's first suggestion? 143 00:05:42,495 --> 00:05:43,545 Just smart people. 144 00:05:43,596 --> 00:05:45,631 I think I might be able to help you. 145 00:05:45,665 --> 00:05:46,665 Told you. 146 00:05:50,704 --> 00:05:51,837 - Let me see it! - Yeah, you're gonna see it. 147 00:05:51,855 --> 00:05:54,039 I'll show you. I can unroll it. 148 00:05:54,074 --> 00:05:56,108 "The murals with this heart you see, 149 00:05:56,142 --> 00:05:59,144 look to the first, and there your next clue will be." 150 00:05:59,178 --> 00:06:00,896 The first letter of the name of each mural 151 00:06:00,947 --> 00:06:03,916 with a heart on it will spell out the clue. 152 00:06:03,950 --> 00:06:05,534 Or some— or something. 153 00:06:05,568 --> 00:06:07,152 Let's check out the murals. 154 00:06:07,186 --> 00:06:12,024 Happy Valentine's Day, Pawnee. For me, it is not happy. 155 00:06:12,058 --> 00:06:15,728 But don't let my sadness diminish your night. 156 00:06:18,098 --> 00:06:20,165 Anyway, life is fleeting. 157 00:06:20,698 --> 00:06:22,765 Leslie. Found a date for Ann. 158 00:06:22,869 --> 00:06:24,253 Jerry, well done. 159 00:06:24,304 --> 00:06:25,721 I put an ad on Craigslist: 160 00:06:25,755 --> 00:06:28,674 "Man seeking man for a night of casual fun." 161 00:06:28,708 --> 00:06:30,175 Enrico, he responded right away. 162 00:06:30,209 --> 00:06:32,728 - I'll meet you inside, okay? - Okay. 163 00:06:32,762 --> 00:06:34,613 You hired a male escort. 164 00:06:34,647 --> 00:06:36,048 A what? 165 00:06:36,082 --> 00:06:37,516 Please get your gigolo out of here. 166 00:06:37,550 --> 00:06:41,120 I— uh— oh, my God. 167 00:06:41,154 --> 00:06:42,688 Okay, so we've got all the ones 168 00:06:42,722 --> 00:06:44,022 from this side with the heart sticker. 169 00:06:46,057 --> 00:06:47,743 All right, the ones from the other hallway are... 170 00:06:47,777 --> 00:06:51,730 "Cornfield Slaughter," "Lament of the Buffalo," 171 00:06:51,748 --> 00:06:54,533 "Needless Slaughter," "Slaughter Gone Wrong," 172 00:06:54,567 --> 00:06:57,803 "Eating the Reverend," "It's Raining Blood," 173 00:06:57,837 --> 00:07:01,006 - and "Death Everywhere." - Great. I got it from here. 174 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,241 Thanks, guys. I hope I didn't screw up your Valentine's Day too much. 175 00:07:03,259 --> 00:07:05,627 Oh, God, no. April hates Valentine's Day. 176 00:07:05,678 --> 00:07:07,746 And brunch. And outside. 177 00:07:07,764 --> 00:07:09,414 And smiling. 178 00:07:09,432 --> 00:07:11,950 - She's weird. - I figured it out. 179 00:07:11,985 --> 00:07:16,288 The letters unscrambled say, "No food finer. 180 00:07:16,322 --> 00:07:18,757 Clue three at J.J.'s Diner." 181 00:07:18,792 --> 00:07:20,392 How many clues are there, exactly? 182 00:07:23,062 --> 00:07:24,096 Hey, you're here. 183 00:07:24,130 --> 00:07:26,732 And I brought a bachelor. 184 00:07:26,766 --> 00:07:27,733 - Are you kidding me? - No. 185 00:07:27,767 --> 00:07:29,401 You brought Orin? 186 00:07:29,435 --> 00:07:31,436 Ann is not some weird, morose mummy. 187 00:07:31,454 --> 00:07:34,573 Offense intended, Orin. Let this be a wake-up call 188 00:07:34,607 --> 00:07:36,275 about the way you present yourself to the world. 189 00:07:36,309 --> 00:07:38,377 I think Ann and him would be cute together. 190 00:07:38,411 --> 00:07:39,578 I ask you to do one thing. 191 00:07:39,612 --> 00:07:41,046 Do you know how hard I've been working 192 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,182 to try to pull this together before Ann gets here? 193 00:07:43,216 --> 00:07:44,416 - Hey. - Hey, you're here. 194 00:07:44,450 --> 00:07:45,484 We weren't talking about you. 195 00:07:45,518 --> 00:07:46,952 - How are you? - Well... 196 00:07:46,986 --> 00:07:48,754 It's Valentine's Day, and I'm single, 197 00:07:48,788 --> 00:07:50,122 and I'm at a couples dance. 198 00:07:50,156 --> 00:07:51,957 I can't imagine a more depressing place to be. 199 00:07:51,991 --> 00:07:54,760 What about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom, 200 00:07:54,794 --> 00:07:56,328 and you're the only one there without a date, 201 00:07:56,362 --> 00:07:58,931 so the bride makes you dance to Single Ladies by yourself? 202 00:07:58,965 --> 00:08:00,232 Oh, my God, did that happen to you? 203 00:08:00,266 --> 00:08:02,300 Maybe. Let's get a drink, and then you and I 204 00:08:02,318 --> 00:08:04,870 are gonna have some f-u-n. 205 00:08:04,904 --> 00:08:07,105 Well, at least the music seems about right. 206 00:08:10,476 --> 00:08:12,828 There was supposed to be, like, 20 guys here for Ann, 207 00:08:12,862 --> 00:08:15,113 and there's only four. Who else do we have? 208 00:08:15,148 --> 00:08:17,115 Ben, taken. Jerry, taken. 209 00:08:17,150 --> 00:08:20,385 Oh! My dentist... Is 80, and he's gay, 210 00:08:20,420 --> 00:08:22,688 and he's taken. Uh... what's this? 211 00:08:22,722 --> 00:08:24,223 P. Hut? Oh, Pizza Hut! 212 00:08:24,257 --> 00:08:25,958 Hold on... 213 00:08:25,992 --> 00:08:28,510 Hi, how cute are you? 214 00:08:30,792 --> 00:08:33,110 Ann, this is my lawyer friend, Alex. 215 00:08:33,167 --> 00:08:34,251 - Hi. - Hi. 216 00:08:34,302 --> 00:08:35,302 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 217 00:08:35,336 --> 00:08:37,203 I've heard a lot about you... 218 00:08:37,221 --> 00:08:38,588 - In the last hour. - Yeah. 219 00:08:38,639 --> 00:08:40,540 Well, Alex gives my campaign legal advice, 220 00:08:40,575 --> 00:08:43,210 and Ann is the greatest human being ever invented. 221 00:08:43,244 --> 00:08:45,429 So I'm gonna— what? Uh, someone needs me. 222 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,681 I'm gonna go, and you two just hit it off now. 223 00:08:47,715 --> 00:08:49,883 - You crazy kids. - Okay... 224 00:08:51,652 --> 00:08:55,188 Okay..."There is no food finer." 225 00:08:55,222 --> 00:08:57,574 For Leslie, that means whipped cream, or... 226 00:08:58,608 --> 00:09:00,059 No, it's whipped cream. 227 00:09:00,078 --> 00:09:01,728 I'm gonna look in the whipped cream cans. 228 00:09:02,546 --> 00:09:04,232 Oh, got some! 229 00:09:08,736 --> 00:09:10,237 Oh... 230 00:09:11,071 --> 00:09:12,622 Nothing yet. 231 00:09:12,673 --> 00:09:15,208 Okay, "something wicked this way comes," 232 00:09:15,243 --> 00:09:18,128 "whence you peruse a book with your thumbs. 233 00:09:18,179 --> 00:09:20,213 "Go to the one who succumbs. 234 00:09:20,247 --> 00:09:22,182 I'll be attached with a little gum." 235 00:09:22,216 --> 00:09:23,433 Oh, come on, Leslie, gimme a break. 236 00:09:23,468 --> 00:09:26,319 I hate riddles and other such nonsense, 237 00:09:26,354 --> 00:09:28,438 I want that on the record. 238 00:09:28,473 --> 00:09:30,891 But something wicked with a book 239 00:09:30,925 --> 00:09:33,160 is my ex-wife, from the library. 240 00:09:33,194 --> 00:09:34,661 Which means I'm the one that succumbs. 241 00:09:34,695 --> 00:09:37,864 Uh..."I'll be attached with a little gum." 242 00:09:37,899 --> 00:09:40,300 Good God. That woman is good. 243 00:09:40,334 --> 00:09:42,436 "Follow me to the sheltered snow. 244 00:09:42,470 --> 00:09:44,488 Only 22 clues left to go." 245 00:09:44,539 --> 00:09:47,207 22? 246 00:09:47,241 --> 00:09:49,810 Well, this is the woman I've chosen to love. 247 00:09:49,844 --> 00:09:51,244 Well, I guess there's nothing to do 248 00:09:51,279 --> 00:09:52,662 but spend the entire night 249 00:09:52,713 --> 00:09:54,314 methodically solving this puzzle. 250 00:09:54,348 --> 00:09:56,216 There's no way we'll finish in time. 251 00:09:56,250 --> 00:09:57,951 Okay, I'll just make a list of places 252 00:09:57,969 --> 00:10:00,153 she and I have been together, and hope we luck out 253 00:10:00,188 --> 00:10:01,421 and find the last clue. 254 00:10:01,456 --> 00:10:03,089 We'll split up, cover more ground. 255 00:10:03,123 --> 00:10:04,174 Move. 256 00:10:08,796 --> 00:10:11,331 Hey, Kriss Kross, can we change up the music? 257 00:10:11,365 --> 00:10:13,467 It kind of sounds like the end of a movie 258 00:10:13,501 --> 00:10:14,818 about a monk who killed himself. 259 00:10:14,852 --> 00:10:16,937 - It is. - Listen, man... 260 00:10:16,971 --> 00:10:18,605 There's some attractive women here. 261 00:10:18,639 --> 00:10:19,673 Why don't you rebound? 262 00:10:19,707 --> 00:10:22,742 Nobody here compares to Millicent. 263 00:10:22,777 --> 00:10:23,844 Except maybe Jerry. 264 00:10:23,878 --> 00:10:27,180 Technically they share 50% of the same DNA. 265 00:10:34,388 --> 00:10:36,323 Stop staring at Jerry like that. 266 00:10:40,878 --> 00:10:43,713 I don't know. It's working now. 267 00:10:43,764 --> 00:10:45,164 Hey, how's it going? 268 00:10:45,183 --> 00:10:47,534 It's Valentine's Day, 269 00:10:47,568 --> 00:10:49,553 and I'm working the late shift of the snow globe museum, 270 00:10:49,604 --> 00:10:51,021 so I'm right where I wanna be. 271 00:10:51,055 --> 00:10:54,608 Okay, um, my girlfriend left a clue here, I think. 272 00:10:54,642 --> 00:10:56,343 Like, for a scavenger hunt. 273 00:10:56,377 --> 00:10:58,879 - Right. You're Ben. - Yes. 274 00:10:58,913 --> 00:11:01,715 She said you'd be here by noon. 275 00:11:01,749 --> 00:11:03,116 - Not doing so good. - All right, well. 276 00:11:03,150 --> 00:11:04,751 Thanks, Kevin. I'm supposed to tell you 277 00:11:04,785 --> 00:11:06,186 that it's under one of the snow globes. 278 00:11:06,220 --> 00:11:09,222 But which one? Ooh, I don't know. 279 00:11:11,876 --> 00:11:14,694 Nope. No. 280 00:11:14,729 --> 00:11:17,030 - No. You really suck at this. - Okay, why don't you just... 281 00:11:17,048 --> 00:11:18,164 tell me where it is and I can get out of here? 282 00:11:18,198 --> 00:11:19,866 That would take all the fun out of it. 283 00:11:19,901 --> 00:11:22,035 - Ah! - Winner. 284 00:11:22,069 --> 00:11:23,703 Ah, ha, ha, ha. I found it. 285 00:11:23,738 --> 00:11:26,039 Yep. Oh, wait. 286 00:11:26,073 --> 00:11:28,041 No, that might be from another scavenger hunt. 287 00:11:28,059 --> 00:11:31,011 Ann, looks like you already met Jeff. 288 00:11:31,045 --> 00:11:33,212 Well, you didn't tell me that your friend was so beautiful. 289 00:11:33,231 --> 00:11:34,781 Aww, thanks, Jeff. 290 00:11:34,815 --> 00:11:36,449 Not as beautiful as my sister, 291 00:11:36,484 --> 00:11:38,785 but you know the law. 292 00:11:38,819 --> 00:11:40,587 - What? - No, Jeff. 293 00:11:40,621 --> 00:11:43,240 How am I supposed to find the love of Ann's life 294 00:11:43,274 --> 00:11:44,608 when it sounds like a funeral in here? 295 00:11:44,659 --> 00:11:46,960 There's no changing it as long as Chris is depressed. 296 00:11:46,994 --> 00:11:48,778 I'm gonna go talk to Chris. You go help Ann. 297 00:11:48,829 --> 00:11:50,430 She's not responding to my top candidates, 298 00:11:50,464 --> 00:11:52,249 so we're gonna have to go with some wild cards. 299 00:11:52,283 --> 00:11:53,300 - Got it. - And April... 300 00:11:53,334 --> 00:11:54,751 Thanks for nothing. 301 00:11:54,785 --> 00:11:55,952 Why should I do anything to help her? 302 00:11:56,003 --> 00:11:57,571 Because despite the fact that all you do 303 00:11:57,605 --> 00:12:00,240 is give her a hard time, she would do this for you. 304 00:12:00,274 --> 00:12:02,809 Just go hide under the table with your friend Orin. 305 00:12:02,843 --> 00:12:04,744 Yeah, I see you, weirdo. 306 00:12:07,481 --> 00:12:09,248 So Leslie dragged you 307 00:12:09,267 --> 00:12:11,484 into this sneaky little fix-up scheme, huh? 308 00:12:11,519 --> 00:12:14,053 We're stuck at a Parks and Rec community couples event. 309 00:12:14,088 --> 00:12:15,554 What else you gotta do? 310 00:12:15,589 --> 00:12:17,524 What the hell. You're right. 311 00:12:17,558 --> 00:12:18,608 Bring 'em on, Tom. 312 00:12:18,643 --> 00:12:20,760 I'm Harris. Heard you were desperate 313 00:12:20,795 --> 00:12:23,396 for a man-piece. We in business? 314 00:12:23,431 --> 00:12:26,132 He's 33 years old, still lives with his parents, 315 00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:29,269 and he's been to at least 200 Phish concerts. 316 00:12:29,303 --> 00:12:31,004 Try 308. 317 00:12:31,038 --> 00:12:32,305 I'm gonna have to pass right now. 318 00:12:32,340 --> 00:12:33,740 Your mistake, mama. 319 00:12:33,774 --> 00:12:38,545 So, Bill, this stunning woman saves lives for a living. 320 00:12:38,579 --> 00:12:39,913 What do you bring to the table? 321 00:12:39,947 --> 00:12:42,182 Uh, where to begin? Uh, I'm an amateur juggler— 322 00:12:42,216 --> 00:12:43,449 Nope, you shouldn't have begun there. 323 00:12:43,467 --> 00:12:46,619 Get out. No one's trying to get with jugglers. 324 00:12:46,637 --> 00:12:48,505 Thanks for playing. 325 00:12:55,563 --> 00:12:58,398 Hello, my name is Ron Swanson. 326 00:12:58,432 --> 00:13:00,967 I believe Leslie Knope may have left some kind 327 00:13:00,985 --> 00:13:02,535 of scavenger hunt clue here. 328 00:13:02,570 --> 00:13:04,938 She did. One second. 329 00:13:09,858 --> 00:13:10,977 Gentlemen. 330 00:13:11,995 --> 00:13:13,848 Ah. 331 00:13:13,995 --> 00:13:15,048 Enjoy your evening. 332 00:13:17,082 --> 00:13:21,100 Well... it always says "Break glass in case of an emergency." 333 00:13:23,156 --> 00:13:23,957 Wait a second. 334 00:13:27,211 --> 00:13:31,848 Well, there we go. 335 00:13:31,882 --> 00:13:34,500 Hey, Chris, what do you think about changing the music? 336 00:13:34,518 --> 00:13:35,204 Sure. 337 00:13:38,239 --> 00:13:39,556 Ugh. Hey, you know what? 338 00:13:39,607 --> 00:13:41,274 You should look on the bright side. 339 00:13:41,308 --> 00:13:43,276 I'm sure that Millicent couldn't keep up with you 340 00:13:43,310 --> 00:13:46,146 on your runs, so now you can go full speed again. 341 00:13:46,180 --> 00:13:49,149 On the contrary, she was faster than I was. 342 00:13:49,183 --> 00:13:53,153 I set many personal bests just trying to keep up with her. 343 00:13:53,187 --> 00:13:55,955 Which is what I'm worried about. 344 00:13:55,990 --> 00:13:58,925 What if she was my personal best? 345 00:13:58,959 --> 00:14:01,261 No, your best is still ahead of you. 346 00:14:01,295 --> 00:14:03,530 I am 44 years old. 347 00:14:03,564 --> 00:14:04,931 You don't look a day over 30. 348 00:14:04,965 --> 00:14:06,232 Most people say 25. 349 00:14:06,267 --> 00:14:07,867 - Who says that? - Lot of people. 350 00:14:07,902 --> 00:14:10,437 You don't think that Millicent was my soul mate? 351 00:14:10,471 --> 00:14:12,639 There are a lot of soul mates in the world. 352 00:14:12,673 --> 00:14:13,973 I mean, look at Ann. 353 00:14:14,008 --> 00:14:16,242 You dated her, and she's a perfect human specimen, 354 00:14:16,277 --> 00:14:18,611 and you tossed her out like day-old chowder. 355 00:14:18,646 --> 00:14:20,680 But it's gonna be okay. 356 00:14:20,714 --> 00:14:21,681 Buck up. 357 00:14:21,715 --> 00:14:24,684 Thanks, I'll try. 358 00:14:37,081 --> 00:14:39,082 - Hey. - Hey. 359 00:14:39,116 --> 00:14:40,450 How is your evening unfolding 360 00:14:40,501 --> 00:14:41,918 in terms of your conversations with men? 361 00:14:41,952 --> 00:14:44,087 I have met a lot of different guys tonight. 362 00:14:44,121 --> 00:14:46,956 How lucky that that happened to you 363 00:14:47,007 --> 00:14:49,342 - on Valentine's Day. - What's lucky 364 00:14:49,376 --> 00:14:52,312 is that I have a best friend who spent her Valentine's Day 365 00:14:52,346 --> 00:14:53,313 trying to find me a date. 366 00:14:53,347 --> 00:14:55,348 Thank you. I'm gonna go home. 367 00:14:55,382 --> 00:14:56,850 No. Stay. 368 00:14:56,884 --> 00:14:58,885 I just— I'm gonna go home and watch TV. 369 00:14:58,919 --> 00:15:00,987 Okay, well, can you just do me a favor 370 00:15:01,021 --> 00:15:02,322 and give me your car keys for a second? 371 00:15:02,356 --> 00:15:04,157 There's something I need to look at on your car keys. 372 00:15:04,191 --> 00:15:05,692 You're gonna throw them on the roof again 373 00:15:05,726 --> 00:15:07,560 - so I can't leave. - You know me too well. 374 00:15:07,594 --> 00:15:11,147 You're the best. 375 00:15:11,198 --> 00:15:13,432 It sucks being alone on Valentine's Day, 376 00:15:13,451 --> 00:15:15,835 so I'm gonna take Ann out for a drink, you know. 377 00:15:15,870 --> 00:15:19,105 Try to cheer her up. And I can be late meeting Ben. 378 00:15:19,123 --> 00:15:22,642 He's not gonna be on time, 'cause those clues are hard. 379 00:15:22,676 --> 00:15:25,078 They're really, really hard, and I'm really worried 380 00:15:25,112 --> 00:15:27,347 that he's not gonna be able to figure it out. 381 00:15:34,621 --> 00:15:36,890 Ann, you tricky bastard. 382 00:15:36,924 --> 00:15:39,292 - Leslie, what are you doing? - Look at Ann. 383 00:15:39,326 --> 00:15:42,061 She's putting on makeup. She using the emergency 384 00:15:42,096 --> 00:15:43,396 mini curling iron that I gave her. 385 00:15:43,430 --> 00:15:45,682 - She has a date. - You don't know that. 386 00:15:45,733 --> 00:15:48,334 Why wouldn't she tell me who it is? 387 00:15:48,869 --> 00:15:49,636 Because she doesn't want me to know. 388 00:15:49,670 --> 00:15:51,971 Because it's someone she shouldn't be dating. 389 00:15:52,006 --> 00:15:54,641 Wait, the music's better. Have you seen Chris? 390 00:15:54,675 --> 00:15:56,576 I don't know, maybe he's in the bathroom or something. 391 00:15:58,110 --> 00:15:59,679 She's going to meet Chris. 392 00:16:03,574 --> 00:16:06,261 Hey, I got nine, three and four. 393 00:16:06,574 --> 00:16:10,661 I have 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 19. 394 00:16:10,695 --> 00:16:11,728 Whoa. 395 00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:13,413 I got— I got lucky. 396 00:16:13,464 --> 00:16:15,566 And I love riddles. 397 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:19,636 Yo, found some clues. Also found this. 398 00:16:19,671 --> 00:16:21,872 Weird stick. Might be a clue. 399 00:16:21,906 --> 00:16:23,340 - No. - Okay. 400 00:16:23,374 --> 00:16:25,242 Did you find the 25th clue? 401 00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:27,511 No, I got #8, and #22. 402 00:16:32,364 --> 00:16:33,517 What do you want, April? 403 00:16:33,551 --> 00:16:35,386 Leave Ann alone. This is none of your business. 404 00:16:35,420 --> 00:16:37,921 After all the hoops that Ben and I had to jump through 405 00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:39,723 because of the boss-employee thing, 406 00:16:39,758 --> 00:16:41,625 it is absolutely my business. 407 00:16:41,659 --> 00:16:45,529 Chris needs to explain himself, and Ann lied to me 408 00:16:45,563 --> 00:16:48,882 about this date. I mean, so many injustices. 409 00:16:48,917 --> 00:16:51,468 Ann would never do anything to piss you off, Leslie. 410 00:16:51,503 --> 00:16:53,670 You guys are such close friends, it's lame. 411 00:16:53,704 --> 00:16:56,073 Just have a nice night with Ben, and forget about this. 412 00:16:56,107 --> 00:16:59,843 Okay, fine. I will let it go for now. 413 00:16:59,878 --> 00:17:01,845 But I want you to know that I think there is some— 414 00:17:04,048 --> 00:17:05,718 Okay, she hung up on me. 415 00:17:07,752 --> 00:17:09,686 We failed. 416 00:17:09,721 --> 00:17:11,605 If I just had a little more time. 417 00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:13,557 She's waiting for me somewhere in Pawnee, 418 00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:15,909 - and I'm not gonna be there. - Wait... 419 00:17:15,944 --> 00:17:18,729 Leslie loves romance, but she also loves being right. 420 00:17:18,763 --> 00:17:21,465 Is there something you used to disagree on, 421 00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:23,534 but you've since come around to her way of thinking? 422 00:17:25,068 --> 00:17:26,753 Ron, you're a genius. 423 00:17:31,242 --> 00:17:32,759 Little Sebastian. 424 00:17:32,794 --> 00:17:34,411 At first you did not understand 425 00:17:34,446 --> 00:17:36,847 what made this tiny horse so special, 426 00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:38,081 and now you love him more than I do. 427 00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:41,018 Yep, I miss him every day. 428 00:17:41,052 --> 00:17:43,020 I really tried to make that hard. 429 00:17:43,054 --> 00:17:44,621 I'm very impressed with you. 430 00:17:44,656 --> 00:17:45,989 Eh, some of them were kind of tough. 431 00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:47,991 So are you ready to go 432 00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,960 have our first ever Valentine's dinner? 433 00:17:49,994 --> 00:17:51,829 Yes, but I have to tell you something. 434 00:17:51,863 --> 00:17:55,098 Chris and Ann are on a secret date. 435 00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:57,301 Which is crazy because he's her boss, 436 00:17:57,335 --> 00:17:59,002 which is the exact situation we were in, 437 00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:01,405 except we were put on trial for it. 438 00:18:01,439 --> 00:18:02,406 And I know I'm not supposed to care, 439 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:03,507 and I'm supposed to let it go, 440 00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:05,275 and we should just have a romantic dinner— 441 00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:07,177 No, we have to go catch them in the act. 442 00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:08,679 - Right now. - Really? 443 00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:10,998 Yeah. Screw romantic dinners. 444 00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,583 Let's go rub it in their face. 445 00:18:12,617 --> 00:18:14,751 God, I love you so much. 446 00:18:14,785 --> 00:18:16,786 I cannot wait to see the look 447 00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:18,955 on Chris' remarkably youthful face 448 00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:21,175 when we march in there and confront him— 449 00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:22,860 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Leslie. 450 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,097 What? 451 00:18:27,131 --> 00:18:29,099 Ahh! 452 00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:30,100 Shh. 453 00:18:30,134 --> 00:18:32,135 - Shh. - April. 454 00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:34,137 - Hey. - April. 455 00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:36,673 - Tom and Ann are on a date. - I know. 456 00:18:36,708 --> 00:18:38,308 What do you mean you know? How do you know? 457 00:18:38,343 --> 00:18:42,145 Because... I set them up. 458 00:18:43,343 --> 00:18:45,145 I was watching Ann with Tom at the dance 459 00:18:45,543 --> 00:18:47,445 and she seemed to be having a good time. 460 00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:49,445 So I went over to talk to her. 461 00:18:50,054 --> 00:18:52,322 What are you looking for in a date anyway? 462 00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,491 I don't know. What does anyone want? 463 00:18:54,526 --> 00:18:59,229 Just a nice, funny guy who likes me and treats me well. 464 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:02,132 Tom's funny, and he'd treat you well. 465 00:19:02,166 --> 00:19:05,402 - Ha, ha. - I'm serious. 466 00:19:05,436 --> 00:19:06,870 You want a good date, why not ask out 467 00:19:06,905 --> 00:19:08,972 the only guy that's made you smile tonight? 468 00:19:09,007 --> 00:19:10,607 He's ridiculous. 469 00:19:10,642 --> 00:19:12,976 - All that dumb swagger. - It's an act. 470 00:19:13,011 --> 00:19:16,013 He's sweet. You should just ask him out for a drink. 471 00:19:16,047 --> 00:19:18,549 I'm 1,000% sure he'd say yes. 472 00:19:18,583 --> 00:19:21,151 I bet you guys would have a good time. 473 00:19:21,185 --> 00:19:23,820 Man, I need to, like, wrap my head around this. 474 00:19:23,855 --> 00:19:25,055 Why? It makes sense to me. 475 00:19:25,089 --> 00:19:27,891 This is a small, loser town with loser people, 476 00:19:27,926 --> 00:19:30,427 and Tom's, like, at least semi-cool. 477 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:31,762 You know what I'm hearing? 478 00:19:32,496 --> 00:19:35,866 You tried to make Ann happy for Valentine's Day. 479 00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:38,502 - Ugh. - You're a very nice person. 480 00:19:38,536 --> 00:19:39,503 - No. - Yes, you are. 481 00:19:39,537 --> 00:19:41,538 - Very nice person. - Bye. 482 00:19:44,175 --> 00:19:46,560 I do not understand this. This really confuses me. 483 00:19:46,594 --> 00:19:48,111 Well, you do love them both. 484 00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:52,099 Yeah, I love passionate speakers and Italian men. 485 00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:53,450 Doesn't mean I love Mussolini. 486 00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:54,901 You love Italian men? 487 00:19:54,936 --> 00:19:57,054 Not as much as... 488 00:19:57,088 --> 00:20:00,057 Irish... Scottish? 489 00:20:00,091 --> 00:20:03,527 White... whatever you are. 490 00:20:03,561 --> 00:20:06,263 This is the weirdest Valentine's Day ever. 491 00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:13,069 So, Ann, it's finally happening. 492 00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,072 Dude, this is so close to falling apart. 493 00:20:15,106 --> 00:20:16,707 Okay, okay, I'm sorry. 494 00:20:17,241 --> 00:20:20,627 Can I be honest, though? I'm a little freaked out. 495 00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:23,313 Like, I don't really understand what's going on. 496 00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:25,282 This is what's going on— 497 00:20:25,316 --> 00:20:26,550 we're gonna have a drink, 498 00:20:26,584 --> 00:20:29,920 and we're gonna talk, get to know each other. 499 00:20:29,954 --> 00:20:33,056 And then I am going to drive home... alone. 500 00:20:33,091 --> 00:20:35,058 Cool. Consider this alternate plan— 501 00:20:35,092 --> 00:20:36,727 we have drinks here, get to know each other, whatever. 502 00:20:36,761 --> 00:20:40,263 Then we go back to my place and snuggle up... 503 00:20:40,298 --> 00:20:41,732 Like little bunnies. 504 00:20:41,766 --> 00:20:43,767 - Yeah, this was a mistake. - No! 505 00:20:46,577 --> 00:20:49,429 Leslie, thanks to your annoying prying last year, 506 00:20:49,463 --> 00:20:51,531 I'm sure you remember my birthday's coming up. 507 00:20:51,565 --> 00:20:54,133 I know, I know. No parties, you hate parties. 508 00:20:54,168 --> 00:20:56,169 Correct. 509 00:20:56,203 --> 00:20:59,039 Oh, you know that wild goose chase 510 00:20:59,073 --> 00:21:00,707 you sent Ben on for Valentine's Day? 511 00:21:01,241 --> 00:21:02,441 The scavenger hunt? 512 00:21:02,476 --> 00:21:06,045 - I also do not want that. - Yep, I understand. 513 00:21:06,079 --> 00:21:08,414 I absolutely do not want to solve a series 514 00:21:08,448 --> 00:21:11,584 of riddles and clues, each more intricate than the last. 515 00:21:11,618 --> 00:21:12,585 You understand what I'm saying? 516 00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:14,720 - Yeah, I got it, Ron. - Good. 517 00:21:19,593 --> 00:21:23,446 Uh, I-I do want that. Please do that for me. 518 00:21:23,447 --> 00:21:27,470 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com