1 00:00:01,123 --> 00:00:03,121 This is "The Final Word with Perd." 2 00:00:03,743 --> 00:00:06,176 With your host, Perderick L. Hapley. 3 00:00:06,493 --> 00:00:09,858 Issue number one is the first issue we're going to talk about. 4 00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:12,758 Is Bobby Newport's campaign for city council in trouble? 5 00:00:13,326 --> 00:00:14,825 When I say your names, I want you to respond. 6 00:00:15,691 --> 00:00:16,225 Dylan. 7 00:00:16,293 --> 00:00:19,025 Well, Newport's poll numbers have been plummeting. 8 00:00:19,093 --> 00:00:21,425 They just fired his campaign manager, 9 00:00:21,492 --> 00:00:22,790 and where's Bobby? 10 00:00:22,858 --> 00:00:23,958 He's on vacation in Spain. 11 00:00:24,025 --> 00:00:26,391 He's not on vacation, he's in hiding. 12 00:00:26,459 --> 00:00:28,991 Every time the guy speaks, he puts his foot in his mouth. 13 00:00:29,059 --> 00:00:30,958 That's a hilarious image. 14 00:00:31,025 --> 00:00:32,824 A foot in a mouth. 15 00:00:32,891 --> 00:00:35,458 It's a common expression. 16 00:00:35,524 --> 00:00:36,657 Okay. 17 00:00:36,724 --> 00:00:38,257 According to the newest polls, 18 00:00:38,325 --> 00:00:40,522 Leslie knope is now in second place. 19 00:00:40,590 --> 00:00:42,223 She's just 15 points back. 20 00:00:42,291 --> 00:00:43,489 Whoa, yeah! 21 00:00:43,557 --> 00:00:44,756 How did she close the gap? 22 00:00:44,824 --> 00:00:46,090 You have to give a lot of credit 23 00:00:46,158 --> 00:00:47,656 to her campaign manager, Ben Wyatt. 24 00:00:47,723 --> 00:00:50,489 So apparently, Newport just fired his campaign manager 25 00:00:50,557 --> 00:00:52,489 because Ben was kicking his ass. 26 00:00:52,557 --> 00:00:55,688 Ben is the best campaign manager anyone could ever have. 27 00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:58,056 Every move he's made has worked. 28 00:00:58,123 --> 00:01:02,488 He's like a brilliant, sexy, little hummingbird. 29 00:01:02,556 --> 00:01:03,621 What did you just say? 30 00:01:03,689 --> 00:01:05,256 Nothing. Keep up the good work. 31 00:01:05,324 --> 00:01:07,488 You're doing great. 32 00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:12,155 Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com 33 00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:13,754 Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com 34 00:01:29,821 --> 00:01:32,453 Senior citizens are basically the only people who vote 35 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,586 in local elections, so if you want to win, 36 00:01:34,654 --> 00:01:35,920 you gotta get the gray vote. 37 00:01:35,988 --> 00:01:37,087 And to get the gray vote, 38 00:01:37,155 --> 00:01:38,753 you need to get the endorsement of Ned Jones. 39 00:01:38,821 --> 00:01:40,986 He's the president of Pawnee Seniors United. 40 00:01:41,054 --> 00:01:43,086 He's like The Godfather but old. 41 00:01:43,154 --> 00:01:44,785 He's like The Grandfather. 42 00:01:44,853 --> 00:01:45,885 The Grand Godfather. 43 00:01:45,954 --> 00:01:47,919 The "grond" father, he's like— 44 00:01:47,987 --> 00:01:50,885 It doesn't matter. He's important, and he's old. 45 00:01:50,954 --> 00:01:53,819 Mr. Jones, such a pleasure to meet you. 46 00:01:53,886 --> 00:01:54,919 Please don't get up. 47 00:01:54,987 --> 00:01:57,152 Don't worry. I can't. 48 00:01:57,219 --> 00:01:58,884 - Oh. - Just joking. 49 00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:01,684 I can get up. But it's difficult. 50 00:02:01,752 --> 00:02:03,617 But I can do it, 51 00:02:03,685 --> 00:02:06,484 but it is hard. 52 00:02:06,552 --> 00:02:08,285 Look, I don't have a lot of time. 53 00:02:08,353 --> 00:02:10,884 Oh, God. I'm so sorry. 54 00:02:10,953 --> 00:02:12,451 Is it... cancer? 55 00:02:12,518 --> 00:02:16,483 No, I don't have a lot of time before my swim aerobics. 56 00:02:16,551 --> 00:02:17,750 Oh. 57 00:02:17,818 --> 00:02:20,716 Why are you better for seniors than Bobby Newport? 58 00:02:20,784 --> 00:02:21,716 Three words: 59 00:02:22,783 --> 00:02:24,483 Ramp Up Pawnee. 60 00:02:24,551 --> 00:02:26,117 Pawnee is way behind the times 61 00:02:26,185 --> 00:02:28,417 in terms of making its buildings wheelchair accessible. 62 00:02:28,484 --> 00:02:30,782 Not enough ramps is the number three complaint 63 00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:32,050 among Pawnee seniors... 64 00:02:32,117 --> 00:02:36,283 Right behind "everything hurts" and "I'm dying." 65 00:02:37,716 --> 00:02:39,649 You wanted to see me. 66 00:02:39,716 --> 00:02:42,216 Good God. What the hell are you doing? 67 00:02:42,284 --> 00:02:43,482 Upside-down sit-ups. 68 00:02:43,550 --> 00:02:45,714 Great exercise, and it literally lets me see 69 00:02:45,782 --> 00:02:47,115 the world from a different perspective. 70 00:02:47,183 --> 00:02:50,581 Isn't there a men's gymnasium where you could do that? 71 00:02:50,649 --> 00:02:52,448 The world's my gymnasium, Ron. 72 00:02:52,515 --> 00:02:54,781 But I will stop if it makes you uncomfortable. 73 00:02:54,849 --> 00:02:56,548 Could you hold me while I dismount? 74 00:03:00,882 --> 00:03:02,414 - Thanks so much. - You bet. 75 00:03:02,481 --> 00:03:03,547 Question for you. 76 00:03:03,614 --> 00:03:05,547 In a town of this size, the Parks department 77 00:03:05,614 --> 00:03:07,680 traditionally has ten employees. 78 00:03:07,748 --> 00:03:10,014 You have only seven. Why is that? 79 00:03:10,082 --> 00:03:11,948 I work hard to make sure my department 80 00:03:12,015 --> 00:03:14,480 is as small and ineffective as possible. 81 00:03:14,548 --> 00:03:16,713 The department is so small because Leslie Knope 82 00:03:16,781 --> 00:03:19,080 single-handedly does the work of four people. 83 00:03:19,148 --> 00:03:20,879 And she's already scaled back her time. 84 00:03:20,948 --> 00:03:22,813 If she wins, she'll be dividing her time 85 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,446 between Parks and City Council. 86 00:03:24,513 --> 00:03:26,314 I'm going to have to hire a deputy director 87 00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:27,379 to pick up the slack. 88 00:03:27,447 --> 00:03:30,646 No! Chris, that's unnecessary. 89 00:03:30,713 --> 00:03:32,913 The department is doing fine without Leslie. 90 00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:35,279 Then prove it. Complete one major project. 91 00:03:35,346 --> 00:03:38,046 Either we complete a government project 92 00:03:38,113 --> 00:03:39,312 which is abhorrent to me, 93 00:03:39,379 --> 00:03:41,611 or we bring a new person into the department, 94 00:03:41,679 --> 00:03:43,312 which repulses me to my core. 95 00:03:43,379 --> 00:03:45,979 Reminds me of when my dad made me choose 96 00:03:46,047 --> 00:03:48,945 which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands 97 00:03:49,012 --> 00:03:51,245 for my sixth birthday. 98 00:03:51,312 --> 00:03:56,677 I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them. 99 00:03:56,745 --> 00:03:58,610 And they were delicious. 100 00:03:58,678 --> 00:04:00,245 Essentially, we're going to put a ramp 101 00:04:00,312 --> 00:04:01,245 on every building in town. 102 00:04:01,312 --> 00:04:02,911 Like I always say, 103 00:04:02,979 --> 00:04:04,744 stairs are a young man's game. 104 00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,410 Damn straight. 105 00:04:06,477 --> 00:04:08,876 This is very impressive. 106 00:04:08,945 --> 00:04:11,543 You know, you remind me of my brother. 107 00:04:11,610 --> 00:04:13,543 You have the same name, Leslie. 108 00:04:13,610 --> 00:04:17,709 He lost a third of his body in a motorcycle accident. 109 00:04:17,777 --> 00:04:19,676 The middle third. 110 00:04:19,744 --> 00:04:21,575 But they sutured the hell out of him. 111 00:04:21,643 --> 00:04:23,775 He's— he's fine now. 112 00:04:23,843 --> 00:04:27,875 Much shorter, but a good-looking, young, flat man. 113 00:04:27,944 --> 00:04:31,209 What have you heard about Newport's new campaign manager, 114 00:04:31,276 --> 00:04:32,209 Jennifer Barkley? 115 00:04:32,276 --> 00:04:33,642 Uh, who? 116 00:04:33,709 --> 00:04:36,143 She wants to have a meeting with me at 5:00. 117 00:04:36,210 --> 00:04:37,541 I told her sorry. 118 00:04:38,108 --> 00:04:42,208 I don't talk politics after dinner. 119 00:04:42,975 --> 00:04:45,942 Oh my God... Newport hired a real Washington hotshot. 120 00:04:46,009 --> 00:04:48,175 Wow, she worked with James Carville? 121 00:04:48,242 --> 00:04:50,241 She ran two Republican congressional campaigns 122 00:04:50,309 --> 00:04:51,774 and a Senate race. 123 00:04:51,842 --> 00:04:53,506 Yeah, and check out this picture. 124 00:04:53,574 --> 00:04:56,107 She's eating egg salad with Colin Powell. 125 00:04:56,175 --> 00:04:58,740 That's the most impressive thing I've ever seen. 126 00:04:58,808 --> 00:05:00,107 Why are you smiling? 127 00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:02,907 Why is this terrifying information making you smile? 128 00:05:02,975 --> 00:05:04,307 Newport's scared. 129 00:05:04,374 --> 00:05:06,273 I mean, he must've shelled out a fortune to hire her. 130 00:05:06,341 --> 00:05:09,406 - So what do we do next? - I'm going to set up a meeting. 131 00:05:09,473 --> 00:05:11,040 I mean, we can size her up, but more importantly, 132 00:05:11,107 --> 00:05:13,406 it'll humanize you and make it harder for her to attack you. 133 00:05:13,473 --> 00:05:16,140 And we'll do it at JJ's Diner. 134 00:05:16,206 --> 00:05:17,505 Home field advantage. 135 00:05:17,573 --> 00:05:19,839 As a candidate, I appreciate your strategic mind, 136 00:05:19,907 --> 00:05:21,572 but as woman, all I care about is 137 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,739 your slight but powerful body. 138 00:05:24,807 --> 00:05:26,571 Hello, Ann Perkins. 139 00:05:27,139 --> 00:05:29,538 This is the first time you've said my entire name correctly. 140 00:05:29,605 --> 00:05:31,538 Nonsense. We are close friends. 141 00:05:31,605 --> 00:05:33,172 I have good news for you. 142 00:05:33,239 --> 00:05:35,771 I'm making the water fountain hygiene upgrade 143 00:05:35,839 --> 00:05:37,005 our number one priority. 144 00:05:37,073 --> 00:05:38,105 Oh, great. 145 00:05:38,173 --> 00:05:39,438 For some reason, 146 00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:41,971 when people in Pawnee use the water fountain, 147 00:05:42,039 --> 00:05:45,171 they put their mouths completely over the spouts. 148 00:05:45,238 --> 00:05:48,603 It's like this weird, disgusting, local quirk. 149 00:05:48,671 --> 00:05:50,770 Kiss one water-fountain drinker, 150 00:05:50,838 --> 00:05:53,670 you're kissing everyone in Pawnee. 151 00:05:54,237 --> 00:05:55,703 Including him. 152 00:05:55,771 --> 00:05:57,536 I'd like to complete this project 153 00:05:57,603 --> 00:05:59,736 by... tomorrow. 154 00:05:59,804 --> 00:06:00,736 Oh. 155 00:06:00,804 --> 00:06:01,736 Set up shop in our office. 156 00:06:01,804 --> 00:06:03,436 In fact, take Leslie's desk. 157 00:06:03,503 --> 00:06:05,469 Okay, I will. Thanks. Great. 158 00:06:05,537 --> 00:06:06,869 Do you want the door open or shut? 159 00:06:06,938 --> 00:06:07,869 Ah, open's fine. 160 00:06:07,938 --> 00:06:11,202 Okay. 161 00:06:11,270 --> 00:06:12,502 Hello, Marta. 162 00:06:12,570 --> 00:06:14,201 We would like our regular table, 163 00:06:14,269 --> 00:06:16,568 but we want you to set it up a little fancier than normal 164 00:06:16,636 --> 00:06:18,002 because we're trying to impress someone. 165 00:06:18,070 --> 00:06:19,069 You mean Ms. Barkley. 166 00:06:19,137 --> 00:06:20,402 She's already here. Last booth. 167 00:06:20,469 --> 00:06:22,668 Leslie Knope. Hi. 168 00:06:22,736 --> 00:06:23,835 I'm Jen Barkley. 169 00:06:23,903 --> 00:06:25,102 - Hi. - Hi. 170 00:06:25,169 --> 00:06:26,435 Grab a seat. 171 00:06:26,502 --> 00:06:27,535 Thanks. 172 00:06:27,602 --> 00:06:28,735 Sorry about all these papers. 173 00:06:28,803 --> 00:06:30,367 I had them shipped in. I'm a news junkie. 174 00:06:30,435 --> 00:06:31,968 Is this in Arabic? 175 00:06:32,036 --> 00:06:34,267 Well, I've been reading up on you two. 176 00:06:34,335 --> 00:06:36,234 Ben, it's a great job on this campaign. 177 00:06:36,302 --> 00:06:38,035 Oh. Well, thank you. 178 00:06:38,102 --> 00:06:40,700 And Leslie, your Parks work, it's no joke. 179 00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:42,534 This is federal government caliber. 180 00:06:42,601 --> 00:06:46,133 Not to sound rude, but what are you doing here? 181 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,733 This campaign seems beneath you. 182 00:06:48,801 --> 00:06:49,934 Yeah. 183 00:06:50,001 --> 00:06:52,466 Bobby Newport's daddy called me out of the blue. 184 00:06:52,534 --> 00:06:54,034 I'd never heard of Bobby Newport before, 185 00:06:54,101 --> 00:06:55,466 but it became clear in two seconds 186 00:06:55,534 --> 00:06:57,034 this guy is a moron. 187 00:06:57,101 --> 00:06:58,333 So I was, like, "sorry, Nick. 188 00:06:58,401 --> 00:07:00,300 Your son is a moron. There's no way." 189 00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:01,933 Then he offered me a crazy amount of money. 190 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,765 I shouldn't even tell you how much. 191 00:07:03,833 --> 00:07:06,033 But I will. $250,000. 192 00:07:06,099 --> 00:07:08,365 Good lord. For six weeks of work? 193 00:07:08,433 --> 00:07:09,532 I know. 194 00:07:09,599 --> 00:07:11,232 Plus frankly, I needed a break from Washington. 195 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:13,365 Do you know Joe Biden? 196 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,365 Oh, mm-hmm. 197 00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:16,098 He's on my celebrity sex list. 198 00:07:16,166 --> 00:07:18,298 Well, he is my celebrity sex list. 199 00:07:18,365 --> 00:07:20,032 Oh, trust me. You can do better than Joe. 200 00:07:20,098 --> 00:07:21,164 Oh, no. 201 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:22,932 I don't— I don't think I can. 202 00:07:24,332 --> 00:07:25,398 No way. 203 00:07:27,332 --> 00:07:29,364 Oh, man. 204 00:07:29,432 --> 00:07:31,331 I knew I shouldn't have met you guys. 205 00:07:31,399 --> 00:07:34,096 Now I kind of hope you win. 206 00:07:34,664 --> 00:07:36,397 She's just doing this for the money. 207 00:07:36,464 --> 00:07:38,196 She doesn't even like her own client. 208 00:07:38,264 --> 00:07:40,296 This could be the best case scenario for us. 209 00:07:40,363 --> 00:07:43,195 Or the real best case scenario is if she just takes the money 210 00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,862 and doesn't even try. 211 00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:47,362 Tell me a little bit about Leslie Knope. 212 00:07:47,430 --> 00:07:49,095 Well, Perd, Leslie Knope represents 213 00:07:49,163 --> 00:07:51,362 everything that is wrong about politics in America. 214 00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:53,930 She's naive, she's untested, 215 00:07:53,997 --> 00:07:55,662 and she's an entrenched bureaucrat 216 00:07:55,730 --> 00:07:58,295 that's got the stink of big government all over her. 217 00:07:58,362 --> 00:07:59,461 - Oh, God. - What? 218 00:07:59,529 --> 00:08:01,494 Wow, strong words from a powerful lady. 219 00:08:01,562 --> 00:08:02,628 So I guess we both agree. 220 00:08:02,695 --> 00:08:06,494 Leslie Knope is wrong for Pawnee. 221 00:08:06,562 --> 00:08:07,761 Worst case scenario. 222 00:08:07,829 --> 00:08:09,328 Worst case scenario! 223 00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:12,325 I'm Leslie Knope 224 00:08:12,654 --> 00:08:13,504 and when I grow up, 225 00:08:13,505 --> 00:08:17,371 I want to be a unicorn princess or a city councilor. 226 00:08:17,588 --> 00:08:20,120 Wrong. Not in my town, kid. 227 00:08:20,188 --> 00:08:23,553 City council's a real job for a real adult. 228 00:08:23,621 --> 00:08:25,687 It's playing every hour on every channel. 229 00:08:25,754 --> 00:08:27,520 It's official. I hate Jennifer Barkley. 230 00:08:27,587 --> 00:08:29,553 When I go to that senior center, I'm going to go up onstage, 231 00:08:29,621 --> 00:08:30,821 and I'm going to viciously attack her. 232 00:08:30,822 --> 00:08:32,753 Okay, don't let Barkley knock us off message. 233 00:08:32,822 --> 00:08:35,920 We are going there to get Ned Jones' endorsement, 234 00:08:35,987 --> 00:08:37,552 - and that's huge. - You're right. 235 00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:39,219 And I should listen to you always 236 00:08:39,287 --> 00:08:40,886 because you are a man genius 237 00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:44,452 with a taut, narrow frame like a sexy, elf king. 238 00:08:45,319 --> 00:08:47,419 Do you wish I were taller or— what's going on? 239 00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:48,752 Nothing. You're perfect. 240 00:08:48,821 --> 00:08:49,653 Okay, everyone. 241 00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:52,251 So the Health department is working on a poster campaign 242 00:08:52,319 --> 00:08:54,418 to warn people about diseases. 243 00:08:54,485 --> 00:08:58,551 Now we are going to build a better water fountain for the parks. 244 00:08:58,619 --> 00:09:00,885 Andy is our official water-fountain tester. 245 00:09:00,953 --> 00:09:03,387 All right, let's give this sucker a test-drive. 246 00:09:08,250 --> 00:09:10,750 Yeah, so the idea is to make a fountain 247 00:09:10,819 --> 00:09:13,517 that he can't do that to. 248 00:09:13,584 --> 00:09:14,750 Ah, that's good. 249 00:09:14,819 --> 00:09:16,951 Okay, any ideas? Jerry? 250 00:09:17,018 --> 00:09:19,017 Well, I was thinking that 251 00:09:19,084 --> 00:09:21,851 we could put this cage thing around it. 252 00:09:21,919 --> 00:09:23,616 Okay. That could work. 253 00:09:23,684 --> 00:09:25,616 Andy? 254 00:09:30,583 --> 00:09:32,116 Yeah. 255 00:09:32,184 --> 00:09:33,183 Thank you, Andy. 256 00:09:33,250 --> 00:09:34,516 Ah, still good. 257 00:09:34,583 --> 00:09:36,549 - Tom? - Full disclosure. 258 00:09:36,617 --> 00:09:39,748 Ann and I are romantically intertwined. 259 00:09:39,817 --> 00:09:41,115 Oh, God. 260 00:09:41,183 --> 00:09:43,015 So let's not be surprised if she picks my idea. 261 00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,248 Would you just go, dummy? 262 00:09:44,316 --> 00:09:46,715 What's the best kind of water fountain? 263 00:09:46,783 --> 00:09:48,215 How about no water fountain? 264 00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:49,215 This... 265 00:09:50,282 --> 00:09:52,948 is the Voss Water Butler by Tumi. 266 00:09:53,016 --> 00:09:54,115 And only $600 a bag. 267 00:09:54,183 --> 00:09:55,947 April, what's your idea? 268 00:09:56,015 --> 00:09:58,214 To go in that room and finish this book. 269 00:09:58,282 --> 00:09:59,347 - Oh, really? - Yeah. 270 00:09:59,415 --> 00:10:00,716 - Is it good? - Yeah. 271 00:10:02,282 --> 00:10:03,247 You're going to stay here, and you're going to help. 272 00:10:03,815 --> 00:10:04,447 Donna? 273 00:10:04,515 --> 00:10:06,415 Do I look like I drink water? 274 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,947 Yoo-hoo. I'm over here. 275 00:10:09,015 --> 00:10:11,213 Just about to start my presentation. 276 00:10:11,281 --> 00:10:14,079 I— uh-oh, stairs. 277 00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:15,113 What do I do? 278 00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:17,680 How do I get from here to there? 279 00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:20,113 I'm not a professional mountain climber. 280 00:10:20,181 --> 00:10:22,079 It's a real problem in our town, 281 00:10:22,147 --> 00:10:25,246 but not any more, thanks to Ramp Up Pawnee. 282 00:10:25,314 --> 00:10:28,445 We're going to put ramps in every building in this town 283 00:10:28,513 --> 00:10:31,512 because if there's one thing I believe, 284 00:10:31,579 --> 00:10:34,245 it's that stairs are a young man's game. 285 00:10:34,313 --> 00:10:35,245 Yeah. 286 00:10:36,814 --> 00:10:39,212 Ramps are an idiot's game. 287 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:41,846 This is nothing more than a worse version 288 00:10:41,913 --> 00:10:43,444 of Bobby Newport's plan. 289 00:10:43,512 --> 00:10:44,577 What plan? 290 00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:46,244 Bobby Newport doesn't have a plan. 291 00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:48,711 Was somebody just talking about Bobby Newport's plan? 292 00:10:48,779 --> 00:10:51,411 Because Ned Jones and I would love to share it with you. 293 00:10:51,478 --> 00:10:52,511 Come on out here, Ned. 294 00:10:53,077 --> 00:10:54,611 Ned Jones is here. 295 00:10:54,679 --> 00:10:56,377 Say hello to Ned Jones. 296 00:10:56,445 --> 00:10:58,211 Make way for Ned Jones. 297 00:10:58,279 --> 00:11:00,043 Why don't we just turn up the pressure? 298 00:11:00,111 --> 00:11:03,811 That way you don't have to put your mouth so close. 299 00:11:03,877 --> 00:11:05,710 All right, here we go. 300 00:11:05,778 --> 00:11:07,777 Ah, stop! 301 00:11:07,845 --> 00:11:09,076 Honey, I'm sorry. 302 00:11:09,144 --> 00:11:11,043 That'll teach you to pay attention. 303 00:11:11,111 --> 00:11:13,210 I have an idea. 304 00:11:13,278 --> 00:11:15,342 Um, I was thinking, "what if we did 305 00:11:15,410 --> 00:11:16,676 "something like... 306 00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:17,742 this?" 307 00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:21,709 Oh, my— dude, what the hell? 308 00:11:21,777 --> 00:11:26,042 Bobby Newport's plan is called "Rise Up! Pawnee." 309 00:11:26,110 --> 00:11:27,909 He is going to put an electric lift 310 00:11:27,976 --> 00:11:32,208 on every outdoor staircase in town. 311 00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:33,874 Wow. 312 00:11:33,942 --> 00:11:35,675 Now you could use a ramp, 313 00:11:35,742 --> 00:11:37,741 but that seems like a lot of work. 314 00:11:37,810 --> 00:11:40,108 Bobby Newport thinks that the stairs 315 00:11:40,176 --> 00:11:42,675 should do the work for you, don't you agree? 316 00:11:42,742 --> 00:11:44,008 Give him a hand. 317 00:11:44,075 --> 00:11:48,274 As President of Seniors United, 318 00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:52,774 I endorse Bobby Newport. 319 00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:57,073 I've started meeting with people to fill in for Leslie. 320 00:11:57,141 --> 00:11:59,740 I have found five candidates I'd like to hire 321 00:11:59,808 --> 00:12:02,107 and two I'd like to be lifelong friends with. 322 00:12:02,175 --> 00:12:04,072 Well, you will not be hiring anyone 323 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,906 because my department is just finishing up a major project. 324 00:12:06,973 --> 00:12:07,906 Incoming! 325 00:12:10,807 --> 00:12:12,173 Got you! 326 00:12:14,407 --> 00:12:15,706 Donna, don't! 327 00:12:15,774 --> 00:12:16,839 Excuse me. 328 00:12:16,907 --> 00:12:18,439 Help, everything I'm wearing is suede! 329 00:12:18,507 --> 00:12:20,238 Everything I'm wearing is suede, everything I'm wearing is suede! 330 00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:21,772 Excuse me, everybody. 331 00:12:21,839 --> 00:12:24,238 Attention! 332 00:12:27,306 --> 00:12:29,338 I think you'll agree that this department 333 00:12:29,406 --> 00:12:31,038 could use a little leadership. 334 00:12:31,106 --> 00:12:32,738 Kamikaze! 335 00:12:32,806 --> 00:12:33,938 Oh. 336 00:12:39,401 --> 00:12:41,032 "Stumbling for the first time in months, 337 00:12:41,180 --> 00:12:43,279 "the Knope campaign seems to be rolling down 338 00:12:43,647 --> 00:12:45,178 "a ramp to nowhere." 339 00:12:46,745 --> 00:12:48,444 We are getting our butts kicked 340 00:12:48,512 --> 00:12:50,478 by a guy who is not even in the country. 341 00:12:50,545 --> 00:12:53,111 He's making out with some floozy in Majorca. 342 00:12:53,179 --> 00:12:54,778 Sorry, I wish I was better at this. 343 00:12:54,845 --> 00:12:57,746 Then you could be making out with some floozy in Majorca. 344 00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,910 Maybe we take the fight to her? 345 00:13:00,978 --> 00:13:02,644 I mean I could try to get you on Perd's show, 346 00:13:02,711 --> 00:13:04,277 and you could tell him how she stole your idea. 347 00:13:05,343 --> 00:13:06,110 That sounds good. 348 00:13:06,178 --> 00:13:07,343 Okay, I'll just do that. 349 00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:09,977 I can call, or maybe I'll just go down there. 350 00:13:11,043 --> 00:13:11,843 Hey. 351 00:13:11,911 --> 00:13:13,110 Chris wants you in his office 352 00:13:13,178 --> 00:13:14,743 for the final round of interviews. 353 00:13:17,244 --> 00:13:20,243 And sorry we goofed around so much. 354 00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:22,109 Normally, I'd be very proud of you 355 00:13:22,177 --> 00:13:23,576 for what you did. 356 00:13:23,644 --> 00:13:24,842 This is a rare example 357 00:13:24,910 --> 00:13:27,243 where wasting a full day of work is a bad thing. 358 00:13:27,310 --> 00:13:29,243 Is there really going to be a weird, new person 359 00:13:29,310 --> 00:13:30,709 in the office? 360 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:31,942 I think so. 361 00:13:32,010 --> 00:13:35,077 We may be in for a good, old-fashioned shake-up. 362 00:13:37,143 --> 00:13:38,508 Jennifer Barkley. 363 00:13:38,576 --> 00:13:40,242 You two-faced, carpetbagging— 364 00:13:40,309 --> 00:13:41,675 Hi, Leslie. Good to see you. 365 00:13:41,742 --> 00:13:43,475 Hi, nice to see you, too. You are a two-faced, carpet— 366 00:13:43,542 --> 00:13:45,175 You want anything? Anything? It's on me. 367 00:13:45,243 --> 00:13:46,741 Everything in this town is so cheap. 368 00:13:46,809 --> 00:13:47,576 I would never accept anything 369 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,007 from a two-faced, carpetbagging— 370 00:13:49,075 --> 00:13:50,040 - Leslie. - Please. 371 00:13:50,108 --> 00:13:51,241 Let me get my insults out. 372 00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:52,973 I've been practicing it the whole way over here. 373 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,340 I sense that you're angry. Tell me why. 374 00:13:55,408 --> 00:13:58,774 Because you stole my idea, and yours won't even work. 375 00:13:58,841 --> 00:13:59,974 Ramps are more practical, 376 00:14:00,041 --> 00:14:01,940 and they're less expensive than lifts. 377 00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,307 My idea is better. 378 00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:05,939 Oh, I don't doubt it. The fact is I don't care. 379 00:14:06,007 --> 00:14:08,106 Ramps, lifts, your plan, my plan— 380 00:14:08,174 --> 00:14:09,539 I don't actually care about any of this. 381 00:14:09,607 --> 00:14:10,640 I'm just trying to win. 382 00:14:11,206 --> 00:14:13,306 Look, it's not personal. I like you. 383 00:14:13,374 --> 00:14:15,306 But my job is to beat you. 384 00:14:15,374 --> 00:14:16,839 So have a seat. 385 00:14:16,907 --> 00:14:18,606 I'll get you some of those waffles you love. 386 00:14:18,673 --> 00:14:20,938 - How do you know that— - It's my job to know. 387 00:14:21,006 --> 00:14:22,772 - God, you're good. - I know. 388 00:14:23,339 --> 00:14:24,805 Hi, guys. What's so imporant? 389 00:14:24,873 --> 00:14:28,772 Well, after yesterday's hands-on brainstorming session— 390 00:14:28,839 --> 00:14:29,772 Water balloon fight. 391 00:14:30,339 --> 00:14:31,305 Fair enough. 392 00:14:31,373 --> 00:14:33,704 We think we came up with a fountain idea 393 00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:35,239 that really works. 394 00:14:35,306 --> 00:14:38,171 Presenting the amazing spoutless fountain. 395 00:14:38,239 --> 00:14:40,304 Huh? What? 396 00:14:40,372 --> 00:14:41,804 We just removed the splash guard 397 00:14:41,872 --> 00:14:43,771 because if it's not there, you can't put your mouth on it. 398 00:14:43,838 --> 00:14:45,837 Well, I'll— I'll try it. 399 00:14:49,070 --> 00:14:50,837 - I did it. - Good job, babe. 400 00:14:50,905 --> 00:14:54,669 Simple, elegant, and cost-effective. 401 00:14:54,737 --> 00:14:56,536 If your team keeps this up, I think we can hold off 402 00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:58,237 on filling the Leslie void. 403 00:14:58,304 --> 00:15:00,903 I think Ben's already filling the Leslie void. 404 00:15:00,971 --> 00:15:02,636 - Oh! - Oh! 405 00:15:02,703 --> 00:15:04,003 I'll give it up for that. 406 00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:06,903 So what's Ben's next move for you? 407 00:15:06,971 --> 00:15:08,603 Oh, oh, I'm not going to tell you that. 408 00:15:08,670 --> 00:15:09,735 Oh, let me guess. 409 00:15:09,803 --> 00:15:11,236 Um, you're going to attack me. 410 00:15:11,303 --> 00:15:13,535 You're going to go on that perm show again, 411 00:15:13,603 --> 00:15:15,835 so you could tell everyone that that ramp idea was yours. 412 00:15:15,903 --> 00:15:18,835 It's "Perd," first of all, and no. 413 00:15:18,903 --> 00:15:20,035 Maybe. No. 414 00:15:20,103 --> 00:15:21,969 That's not a terrible idea. 415 00:15:22,036 --> 00:15:24,136 No, actually, it is kind of terrible 416 00:15:24,203 --> 00:15:25,968 because if you go on the air and tell everybody 417 00:15:26,035 --> 00:15:27,235 that I stole your idea... 418 00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:28,768 - Which you did. - Which I did, 419 00:15:28,835 --> 00:15:30,168 everyone's going to think you're a sore loser, 420 00:15:30,236 --> 00:15:31,968 a goody-goody nerd. 421 00:15:32,035 --> 00:15:33,834 Because you know what people don't care about? 422 00:15:33,902 --> 00:15:36,734 They don't care about whose idea was first. 423 00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:39,934 They care about whose idea was best. 424 00:15:40,002 --> 00:15:41,333 Well, let's say that that was our plan, which it isn't. 425 00:15:41,401 --> 00:15:42,333 Mm-hmm, okay. 426 00:15:42,401 --> 00:15:44,767 What would you do instead? 427 00:15:44,834 --> 00:15:46,134 Oh, Leslie. 428 00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:48,599 I really shouldn't give you campaign advice. 429 00:15:48,667 --> 00:15:51,067 - Right. - Ah, what the hell. 430 00:15:51,135 --> 00:15:52,699 If you love chess, which I do, 431 00:15:52,768 --> 00:15:54,500 but you don't have anybody to play against, 432 00:15:54,567 --> 00:15:55,833 which I don't, 433 00:15:55,901 --> 00:15:58,766 then sometimes, you just gotta play yourself. 434 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:02,399 You could attack the Newport plan for costing too much money. 435 00:16:02,467 --> 00:16:04,099 No, but that would backfire because then we would just say, 436 00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:05,732 "you can never spend too much on seniors." 437 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,266 - Of course. - You need to beat our idea. 438 00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:10,066 Come up with something better. I don't know. 439 00:16:10,134 --> 00:16:12,598 Maybe a free shuttle service for seniors. 440 00:16:12,666 --> 00:16:13,697 All right, that could work. 441 00:16:13,766 --> 00:16:14,798 Wow. 442 00:16:14,866 --> 00:16:16,798 Waffles and a cappuccino. 443 00:16:16,866 --> 00:16:18,431 Gracias, Marta. 444 00:16:18,499 --> 00:16:20,331 JJ's doesn't have a cappuccino maker. 445 00:16:20,399 --> 00:16:22,564 Oh, it does now. I bought them one. 446 00:16:22,632 --> 00:16:23,631 Course you did. 447 00:16:24,198 --> 00:16:26,298 You talked to Barkley without me? 448 00:16:26,366 --> 00:16:27,831 I wanted to tell her what a jerk she was. 449 00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:30,063 And then she guessed your plan immediately 450 00:16:30,131 --> 00:16:30,864 and demolished it. 451 00:16:30,931 --> 00:16:32,797 Okay, as a rule, you shouldn't take advice 452 00:16:32,865 --> 00:16:34,730 from your opponent's campaign manager. 453 00:16:34,798 --> 00:16:35,730 But what if she's right? 454 00:16:35,798 --> 00:16:37,097 Well, what if it's a trick? 455 00:16:37,165 --> 00:16:39,197 I mean, maybe she thinks our original plan would work, 456 00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:41,231 and she convinced you to use her plan instead 457 00:16:41,298 --> 00:16:43,131 because she knows that won't work. 458 00:16:43,198 --> 00:16:44,164 Or maybe she thinks that we think that 459 00:16:44,232 --> 00:16:45,396 she thinks that, so we won't do it. 460 00:16:45,464 --> 00:16:47,029 But she knows that I know that she knows that— 461 00:16:47,097 --> 00:16:50,528 She's in our heads. 462 00:16:50,596 --> 00:16:53,629 I'm sorry, Leslie. She's better at this than I am. 463 00:16:53,696 --> 00:16:55,996 Hey, there is no one on Earth 464 00:16:56,563 --> 00:16:59,096 that I would rather go into battle with than you. 465 00:16:59,164 --> 00:17:01,095 - Really? - Yes. 466 00:17:01,163 --> 00:17:03,362 So tell me, what do we do, 467 00:17:03,429 --> 00:17:04,428 my campaign manager? 468 00:17:04,495 --> 00:17:06,928 I don't know. 469 00:17:06,996 --> 00:17:07,962 Okay. 470 00:17:11,463 --> 00:17:13,862 I'd like to talk about your future. 471 00:17:13,929 --> 00:17:15,895 Why are we on this bench? This is weird. 472 00:17:15,963 --> 00:17:18,861 You did a great job solving that problem today. 473 00:17:19,677 --> 00:17:21,961 The leadership you displayed has gotten me thinking— 474 00:17:22,028 --> 00:17:24,128 I didn't solve that problem. April did. 475 00:17:24,195 --> 00:17:27,427 Really? Why did she tell me you did? 476 00:17:27,994 --> 00:17:30,427 Because she's April, and she doesn't want you to think 477 00:17:30,494 --> 00:17:32,994 that she actually cares about something. 478 00:17:34,061 --> 00:17:36,260 If you're looking for someone to help fill in for Leslie, 479 00:17:36,826 --> 00:17:39,326 April's a pain in the ass, but she's clearly the answer. 480 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,627 Perhaps you're right. 481 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:47,893 Should I go? 482 00:17:48,460 --> 00:17:50,559 Oh, you're still here? Yes. 483 00:17:53,227 --> 00:17:55,359 Let's begin the show by starting it. 484 00:17:55,426 --> 00:17:58,625 Now, Leslie, you claim the Newport campaign 485 00:17:58,692 --> 00:18:00,394 stole one of your ideas. 486 00:18:02,459 --> 00:18:04,524 Well, uh... 487 00:18:04,592 --> 00:18:06,824 They did, they stole our idea. 488 00:18:06,892 --> 00:18:08,924 We were working on the Ramp Up Pawnee initiative 489 00:18:08,992 --> 00:18:10,058 for many weeks. 490 00:18:10,126 --> 00:18:12,758 Oh, Perd. This is politics as usual. 491 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:16,391 The fact is, Bobby Newport's plan is better for seniors, 492 00:18:16,458 --> 00:18:17,657 better for Pawnee. 493 00:18:17,725 --> 00:18:19,158 Well, our plan is more practical, 494 00:18:19,226 --> 00:18:20,158 and it's cheaper. 495 00:18:20,226 --> 00:18:21,623 There she goes again, Perd. 496 00:18:22,891 --> 00:18:25,057 I don't know where she went the first time. 497 00:18:25,125 --> 00:18:27,390 Bobby Newport cares about better, 498 00:18:27,457 --> 00:18:29,124 not cheaper for our seniors. 499 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:30,723 And our flash poll seems to agree. 500 00:18:30,791 --> 00:18:34,723 Some 78% of those we surveyed prefer the Newport plan 501 00:18:34,791 --> 00:18:35,890 to the Knope plan. 502 00:18:35,958 --> 00:18:37,289 This is why Ned Jones has endorsed us. 503 00:18:37,357 --> 00:18:39,322 Let's get back on track. 504 00:18:39,390 --> 00:18:40,722 I just think o opppposition is losing sight 505 00:18:40,790 --> 00:18:42,956 of what all this is about. 506 00:18:43,023 --> 00:18:45,922 What this is about is Pawnee, and that is what I care about. 507 00:18:45,990 --> 00:18:48,123 What Bobby Newport cares about 508 00:18:48,190 --> 00:18:51,488 is romping around on some beach in Spain with a floozy. 509 00:18:51,556 --> 00:18:52,888 Excuse me? 510 00:18:52,956 --> 00:18:55,387 Oh, maybe you hadn't heard of it. 511 00:18:55,455 --> 00:18:57,988 It wasn't in the New York Times or Le Monde, 512 00:18:58,056 --> 00:18:59,420 which is what she reads. 513 00:18:59,488 --> 00:19:01,255 It was in the Pawnee papers. 514 00:19:01,322 --> 00:19:03,955 Bobby Newport's personal life is neither here nor there. 515 00:19:04,022 --> 00:19:05,222 It's certainly not here. 516 00:19:05,289 --> 00:19:07,755 And I think Pawneeans deserve a city councilor 517 00:19:07,822 --> 00:19:08,820 who stays in the city, 518 00:19:09,387 --> 00:19:10,955 like I do. 519 00:19:12,021 --> 00:19:13,254 Well, we were going to keep this sececret 520 00:19:13,321 --> 00:19:14,920 until we had everything in writing, 521 00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:16,354 but Bobby Newport is trying to convince 522 00:19:16,420 --> 00:19:19,453 a major European company to open up a factory in Pawnee. 523 00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:22,087 And that woman that he is with 524 00:19:22,155 --> 00:19:23,887 is an antiland-mine advocate. 525 00:19:24,954 --> 00:19:26,619 I didn't realize that you were proland-mine. 526 00:19:27,186 --> 00:19:28,986 I am not here to declare a winner, 527 00:19:29,054 --> 00:19:31,385 but Jennifer is the winner. 528 00:19:31,453 --> 00:19:32,619 Thank you. 529 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,186 Now it's time to move onto our next segment, 530 00:19:34,254 --> 00:19:35,652 which is a commercial. 531 00:19:36,419 --> 00:19:38,719 I am going to get drunk, and then I'm going to order 532 00:19:38,787 --> 00:19:40,585 a three-course meal where each course 533 00:19:40,686 --> 00:19:41,718 is made of dessert. 534 00:19:41,753 --> 00:19:43,584 - She kicked our asses. - Yeah. 535 00:19:43,685 --> 00:19:44,852 How are we going to beat her? 536 00:19:44,919 --> 00:19:47,551 I don't know. I mean, she's like a hurricane. 537 00:19:47,619 --> 00:19:49,085 She's everywhere. 538 00:19:50,152 --> 00:19:51,185 Literally. 539 00:19:51,286 --> 00:19:53,517 Hi, guys. 540 00:19:53,585 --> 00:19:55,718 You really stepped up your game. 541 00:19:55,786 --> 00:19:57,884 That was really fun. You almost got me. 542 00:19:57,952 --> 00:19:59,683 I would have if Bobby Newport hadn't gotten 543 00:19:59,752 --> 00:20:02,350 those stupid companies to build factories here. 544 00:20:02,917 --> 00:20:05,184 What are you talking about? 545 00:20:05,252 --> 00:20:06,416 Oh, that thing I said on the show? 546 00:20:06,484 --> 00:20:07,784 Oh, no. That was mostly made-up. 547 00:20:07,852 --> 00:20:09,550 Don't challenge me on that. That will backfire. 548 00:20:09,618 --> 00:20:11,017 Anyway, enjoy your dinner, guys. 549 00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:12,284 I already took care of the bill. 550 00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:17,183 - Another round, please? - Mm-hmm. 551 00:20:19,776 --> 00:20:21,342 Nice job on the water fountain. 552 00:20:21,410 --> 00:20:23,042 - It wasn't me. - Don't deny it. 553 00:20:23,110 --> 00:20:24,342 I know it wasn't the nurse. 554 00:20:24,910 --> 00:20:26,809 I'm asking you to step up. 555 00:20:27,127 --> 00:20:29,759 Not replacing Leslie, just picking up some slack. 556 00:20:29,827 --> 00:20:31,025 I don't want to do things. 557 00:20:31,093 --> 00:20:34,092 I want to not do things, just like you taught me. 558 00:20:34,159 --> 00:20:35,625 And I taught you well, 559 00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:37,858 but I don't like watching you wasting your brain. 560 00:20:37,926 --> 00:20:40,891 And you're too smart to stay my assistant here forever. 561 00:20:40,959 --> 00:20:42,324 I'd rather you start a business 562 00:20:42,391 --> 00:20:44,025 or use your hands to farm, 563 00:20:44,093 --> 00:20:47,057 but right now, the department needs you. 564 00:20:48,124 --> 00:20:49,523 Please. 565 00:20:49,591 --> 00:20:50,924 Okay... 566 00:20:51,192 --> 00:20:52,957 But only because you begged. 567 00:20:53,324 --> 00:20:54,924 Good girl. 568 00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:58,224 Chris Traeger. 569 00:20:58,290 --> 00:20:59,790 This is Ron Swanson. 570 00:20:59,858 --> 00:21:02,556 April's going to take over some of Leslie's responsibilities. 571 00:21:02,624 --> 00:21:03,689 Excellent. 572 00:21:03,757 --> 00:21:05,923 I have been a fan of April since day one. 573 00:21:05,991 --> 00:21:07,190 I told— 574 00:21:09,527 --> 00:21:15,023 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com