1 00:00:01,107 --> 00:00:02,175 Is the coast clear? 2 00:00:02,195 --> 00:00:03,113 What are you wearing? 3 00:00:03,154 --> 00:00:05,005 My sneak-around clothes. Is he gone? 4 00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:06,356 Yeah, he's gone. Come in. 5 00:00:06,390 --> 00:00:07,757 You gotta see this. 6 00:00:07,792 --> 00:00:09,693 Tom and I have been seeing each other for a few weeks, 7 00:00:09,727 --> 00:00:13,430 and... I think I'm ready to say, "I love you"... 8 00:00:13,464 --> 00:00:14,664 To his apartment. 9 00:00:14,699 --> 00:00:18,535 I... love you so much. 10 00:00:18,569 --> 00:00:20,337 Look at all these blankets. 11 00:00:20,371 --> 00:00:22,572 One on the ottoman, one on the chair, 12 00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:25,041 one on the couch... here, feel. 13 00:00:25,076 --> 00:00:27,210 Holy hell, that's soft. 14 00:00:27,245 --> 00:00:28,712 Oh, my God, is that... 15 00:00:28,746 --> 00:00:31,014 Yep! A whole shelf of coconut water. 16 00:00:31,048 --> 00:00:33,350 I think I'm gonna cry. This is like girl heaven. 17 00:00:33,384 --> 00:00:34,784 Did he do all this just for you? 18 00:00:34,819 --> 00:00:36,353 No! He just lives like this. 19 00:00:36,387 --> 00:00:38,722 He's deeply in debt, but you know what? Who cares! 20 00:00:38,756 --> 00:00:40,123 'Cause check it out. 21 00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:42,192 Cheese plate and Adriatic figs. 22 00:00:42,226 --> 00:00:44,394 Leslie, this is always here. 23 00:00:44,428 --> 00:00:46,263 I don't know when he has time to make it. 24 00:00:46,297 --> 00:00:49,266 Boutique eye cream, unisex cologne, 25 00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:51,668 lip exfoliator, chocolate-covered almonds, 26 00:00:51,702 --> 00:00:54,604 and a Sudoku book... just amenities everywhere! 27 00:00:54,639 --> 00:00:56,540 - I love amenities. - I know! 28 00:00:56,574 --> 00:00:57,908 Check this out. It's the best part. 29 00:00:57,942 --> 00:01:00,510 80 degrees. Night and day. 30 00:01:00,545 --> 00:01:02,579 Look at this one. 31 00:01:02,613 --> 00:01:04,197 There's another soft one. 32 00:01:05,316 --> 00:01:06,783 Ohh. 33 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:15,420 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 34 00:01:28,806 --> 00:01:30,974 Councilman Pillner, could I have a moment? 35 00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:32,175 Make it quick. 36 00:01:32,210 --> 00:01:34,344 In his seminal 2009 documentary, 37 00:01:34,378 --> 00:01:37,447 filmmaker Ken Burns describes the national park system 38 00:01:37,481 --> 00:01:39,366 as a America's best idea. 39 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,117 - Way quicker. - Okay. 40 00:01:41,152 --> 00:01:43,486 Well, but you should watch that documentary. 41 00:01:43,521 --> 00:01:45,822 Now I realize that you're drafting the new city budget, 42 00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,324 and I've heard that you're planning on 43 00:01:47,358 --> 00:01:49,459 reducing the parks funding by 8%. 44 00:01:49,493 --> 00:01:52,696 Councilman Pillner, that cannot happen. 45 00:01:52,730 --> 00:01:55,298 I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well 46 00:01:55,333 --> 00:01:56,299 because of my campaign. 47 00:01:56,334 --> 00:01:57,801 If you hear any of them 48 00:01:57,835 --> 00:01:59,603 talking about that "blonde pain in the ass," 49 00:01:59,637 --> 00:02:01,771 that's a-me. 50 00:02:01,806 --> 00:02:04,441 Leslie, that budget is all but finalized. 51 00:02:04,475 --> 00:02:06,943 I love building ships in bottles. 52 00:02:06,978 --> 00:02:09,246 When the ship is done, I put a cork in it, 53 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:10,563 put it on the shelf, and I move on. 54 00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:12,282 Hold that cork, sir... 55 00:02:12,316 --> 00:02:13,900 'Cause I'm about to put an adorable face 56 00:02:13,935 --> 00:02:16,052 on your proposed cuts. 57 00:02:16,070 --> 00:02:18,154 Meet Melody Sternway. 58 00:02:18,189 --> 00:02:20,757 She's enrolled in five of our parks programs. 59 00:02:20,791 --> 00:02:22,225 Our department is the only thing 60 00:02:22,260 --> 00:02:26,830 between her and a life of tube tops and tribal tattoos 61 00:02:26,864 --> 00:02:29,499 and barfing in hot tubs. 62 00:02:29,533 --> 00:02:30,667 Please. 63 00:02:30,701 --> 00:02:32,068 Okay, you got me. 64 00:02:32,103 --> 00:02:33,905 I'll find the cuts somewhere else. 65 00:02:40,011 --> 00:02:41,811 Good morning, everyone! 66 00:02:41,846 --> 00:02:44,948 I'm April Ludgate and I will be filling in for Leslie 67 00:02:44,982 --> 00:02:47,467 while she runs for office. 68 00:02:47,518 --> 00:02:51,788 So the new emergency protocol for the Parks department 69 00:02:51,822 --> 00:02:54,057 can be found in your binders. 70 00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,810 What exactly is the chain of command vis-a-vis 71 00:02:56,861 --> 00:02:58,144 on-site response? 72 00:02:58,695 --> 00:03:00,947 You know what, why don't we just say that 73 00:03:00,982 --> 00:03:03,083 whoever gets to the emergency first 74 00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:04,434 will be in charge? 75 00:03:04,468 --> 00:03:06,936 Okay, so if there's an explosion, say, 76 00:03:06,971 --> 00:03:10,440 in Ramset Park and someone from Sewage gets there first, 77 00:03:10,474 --> 00:03:12,642 they'd be in charge? 78 00:03:12,677 --> 00:03:14,844 I had no idea how terrible Leslie's job is. 79 00:03:14,879 --> 00:03:18,715 She referred to this meeting as a nonstop thrill ride. 80 00:03:18,749 --> 00:03:24,254 I'm not quite sure, but Tom can answer that if... 81 00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:25,655 What are you doing? 82 00:03:25,690 --> 00:03:27,557 Just bouncing some business ideas off Russell Simmons 83 00:03:27,591 --> 00:03:29,059 on Twitter. 84 00:03:29,093 --> 00:03:30,093 Why? 85 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,862 All due respect, miss Ludgate, do you even know what you're doing here? 86 00:03:32,897 --> 00:03:35,131 All due respect, Mr. Hamster penis, 87 00:03:35,149 --> 00:03:36,266 but no, I don't. 88 00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:39,002 - My last name is Guiles. - Are you sure? 89 00:03:39,036 --> 00:03:40,904 Because you look like a hamster penis. 90 00:03:40,938 --> 00:03:43,990 What about a cologne that can kill spiders? 91 00:03:44,025 --> 00:03:47,777 Ron Swanson, it is my pleasure to inform you 92 00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:49,846 that you are a finalist for the job 93 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:51,531 of Assistant City Manager. 94 00:03:51,582 --> 00:03:53,500 Chris, I feel I should remind you 95 00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:54,851 that I do not believe 96 00:03:54,885 --> 00:03:57,454 that the position or the entire government should exist. 97 00:03:57,488 --> 00:04:00,590 That said, you'd be a fool not to pick me. 98 00:04:00,624 --> 00:04:03,126 I will walk deeper into the belly of the beast 99 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,861 if it means I'm able to further limit 100 00:04:04,895 --> 00:04:06,829 reckless government spending. 101 00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:09,466 I mean, I have so many ideas. 102 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,568 Some are simple like "take down traffic lights" 103 00:04:11,602 --> 00:04:13,937 and "eliminate the Post Office." 104 00:04:13,971 --> 00:04:15,805 The bigger ones will be tougher, 105 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:19,209 like "bring all of this crumbling to the ground." 106 00:04:19,243 --> 00:04:21,578 There is one more step in the vetting process. 107 00:04:21,612 --> 00:04:24,414 You and I will embark on a quick session 108 00:04:24,448 --> 00:04:27,450 of heart rate meditation, focusing on conscious breathing 109 00:04:27,485 --> 00:04:29,486 and opening the heart chakra. 110 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,621 I'm not sure I'm interested in that. 111 00:04:31,655 --> 00:04:34,424 No, I am sure. I am not interested in that. 112 00:04:34,458 --> 00:04:37,160 Ron, you and I are very different people, 113 00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,795 and we have often been at odds. 114 00:04:38,829 --> 00:04:42,332 It is crucial that you and I spend a day spiritually engaged, 115 00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:44,401 and consider what it would really mean to work together. 116 00:04:44,435 --> 00:04:46,169 Trust me, you'll love it. I'll see you tomorrow. 117 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:49,606 Oh, wear your yoga pants. 118 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:50,940 Okay, I really wish we would've 119 00:04:50,975 --> 00:04:52,242 talked about this first. 120 00:04:52,276 --> 00:04:53,710 What could possibly be wrong 121 00:04:53,744 --> 00:04:55,378 about me saving the Parks department budget? 122 00:04:55,413 --> 00:04:57,647 I don't know. That's the point. 123 00:04:57,681 --> 00:05:00,450 You're thinking like a Parks department employee, 124 00:05:00,484 --> 00:05:02,485 not a city council candidate. 125 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:03,653 You're in a campaign literally. 126 00:05:03,687 --> 00:05:04,921 Everything you do right now is politics. 127 00:05:04,955 --> 00:05:06,573 Oh, really? Is this politics? 128 00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,241 Ow. 129 00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:09,592 What is... what is that? 130 00:05:09,627 --> 00:05:11,744 - What... why did you do that? - I'm in a good mood. 131 00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:13,696 Because the city councilor listened to me. 132 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,615 It means I have some juice. 133 00:05:15,666 --> 00:05:17,200 Look, this might be a good thing. 134 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,335 But there's a reason we strategize 135 00:05:19,370 --> 00:05:21,488 - before we make decisions. - Okay. 136 00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:24,007 Okay. I'll make some calls, see where we are. 137 00:05:24,041 --> 00:05:26,643 - Enjoying the view. - What is going on? 138 00:05:26,677 --> 00:05:30,263 I'm just really into you. Gimme a spin, baby. 139 00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:32,382 I hate doing Leslie's job. 140 00:05:32,416 --> 00:05:34,784 I'm filling in for a person who smiles 90% of the time. 141 00:05:34,819 --> 00:05:36,352 Tom, can you please help me? 142 00:05:36,387 --> 00:05:38,888 Please? Or just do it? 143 00:05:38,923 --> 00:05:40,790 Come on, lil sparkle. Don't give up. 144 00:05:40,825 --> 00:05:41,991 What does Leslie always say? 145 00:05:42,026 --> 00:05:44,461 I don't know, weird stuff about waffles. 146 00:05:44,495 --> 00:05:47,063 She says, "you get out of a job what you put into it." 147 00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:49,199 You just need to find a project you're passionate about. 148 00:05:49,233 --> 00:05:50,967 For instance, I was incredible 149 00:05:51,001 --> 00:05:52,602 at naming drinks at the Snakehole Lounge 150 00:05:52,636 --> 00:05:55,004 because I care a great deal about signature beverages. 151 00:05:55,039 --> 00:05:57,540 The Beer-yonce Knowles. 152 00:05:57,575 --> 00:05:59,809 It's just a regular beer, but we put it in a sexy-ass mug. 153 00:05:59,844 --> 00:06:01,711 Pairs nicely with the Jay-zima. 154 00:06:01,745 --> 00:06:03,746 We bought a bunch of zima when the factory shut down. 155 00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:06,015 That sounds fun. Maybe I should work at a bar. 156 00:06:06,050 --> 00:06:08,418 Come on, there must be some aspect of this job 157 00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:10,353 you care about. 158 00:06:10,387 --> 00:06:11,955 Hello. 159 00:06:11,989 --> 00:06:15,458 Here are some papers Leslie requested. 160 00:06:15,493 --> 00:06:17,594 - These are blank. - Weird. 161 00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:19,596 As long as I'm here, can I ask you a question? 162 00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:23,399 Did you ever participate in meditation with Chris? 163 00:06:23,434 --> 00:06:25,268 Oh, yeah. 164 00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:26,569 When we dated, he made me do it every week. 165 00:06:26,604 --> 00:06:29,405 - What am I in for here? - Okay, here's the deal. 166 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,908 It's crazy boring, it lasts forever, 167 00:06:31,942 --> 00:06:33,677 you're gonna wish you were dead. 168 00:06:34,712 --> 00:06:37,249 Do you wanna borrow my yoga pants? 169 00:06:39,283 --> 00:06:40,350 Hey. 170 00:06:40,384 --> 00:06:41,551 So did Pillner finalize the budget? 171 00:06:41,585 --> 00:06:42,886 Are we okay? 172 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,338 - We are the opposite of okay. - What do you mean? 173 00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:46,689 To keep the money in Parks, 174 00:06:46,724 --> 00:06:48,291 they're gonna shut down the Westside animal shelter. 175 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:50,326 The money had to come from somewhere, 176 00:06:50,361 --> 00:06:52,095 and the shelter is on its last legs. 177 00:06:52,129 --> 00:06:54,063 So... they're closing it at the end of the week. 178 00:06:54,098 --> 00:06:55,848 That's where Champion came from. 179 00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:57,033 What will happen to all the other animals? 180 00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:59,802 - Well, they'll be... - Fine. 181 00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:02,372 No. They'll be... 182 00:07:02,406 --> 00:07:04,574 No! 183 00:07:04,608 --> 00:07:06,075 Guys. 184 00:07:06,110 --> 00:07:09,646 Apparently, Leslie Knope wielded her insider influence 185 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,531 and got Councilman Pillner 186 00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,049 to save her precious department, 187 00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:15,685 even though it meant closing the shelter. 188 00:07:15,719 --> 00:07:18,488 Now I am not saying that Leslie Knope is a dog murderer, 189 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:21,491 per se, I just think that her actions raise some questions. 190 00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,993 Like, for example, is she a dog murderer? 191 00:07:24,028 --> 00:07:25,662 God. 192 00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,230 Well, I don't know the answer to that, Jennifer, 193 00:07:27,264 --> 00:07:29,499 but your tone makes me think... Yes. 194 00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:33,136 Say your good-byes, Pebble... 195 00:07:33,170 --> 00:07:35,905 'Cause "Weswie" Knope gonna kill you. 196 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,241 She got the perfect puppy for that shot. 197 00:07:38,275 --> 00:07:39,576 She is good. 198 00:07:39,610 --> 00:07:41,094 Leslie, there is a woman on the phone 199 00:07:41,145 --> 00:07:42,745 that says her daughter's scared to go to sleep 200 00:07:42,780 --> 00:07:46,616 because Leslie Knope's going to come murder her kitty. 201 00:07:46,650 --> 00:07:48,785 - Okay, we can fix this. - Yes, we can. 202 00:07:48,819 --> 00:07:50,687 Tomorrow morning, we are going back to Pillner 203 00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:52,322 and telling him to cut the Parks budget. 204 00:07:52,356 --> 00:07:53,489 No, no, no, no. 205 00:07:53,524 --> 00:07:55,725 We can figure something else out. 206 00:08:05,219 --> 00:08:07,053 Leslie! 207 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:09,305 Hey, honey, good morning. How did you sleep? 208 00:08:09,340 --> 00:08:11,608 I adopted 32 cats and dogs. Do you want pancakes? 209 00:08:11,642 --> 00:08:13,676 - I'm gonna make pancakes. - Is that a pig? 210 00:08:13,711 --> 00:08:15,044 - What? Which one? - Is that a pig? 211 00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:17,280 You talking about this one? This one right here? 212 00:08:17,314 --> 00:08:19,749 Yes, that is a pig. 213 00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:25,421 This is the best meditation center in the area. 214 00:08:25,820 --> 00:08:27,021 It doesn't look like much. 215 00:08:27,055 --> 00:08:30,191 Actually, this strip mall has surprisingly decent chi. 216 00:08:30,225 --> 00:08:32,727 Although, the smells from the Greek restaurant next door 217 00:08:32,761 --> 00:08:34,128 are not ideal. 218 00:08:34,162 --> 00:08:38,666 But through this door lies a deep, serene quietude. 219 00:08:42,771 --> 00:08:45,373 Excuse me, ladies. On your right. 220 00:08:45,407 --> 00:08:47,241 After you, Ron. 221 00:08:47,259 --> 00:08:49,744 Now... take in the vibe of the room 222 00:08:49,778 --> 00:08:53,014 and remain open of mind and of spirit. 223 00:08:53,048 --> 00:08:55,433 Now quietly... sit behind me 224 00:08:55,467 --> 00:08:57,151 and let's join breath. 225 00:08:57,185 --> 00:09:00,605 - I'll stand. - Interesting technique. 226 00:09:10,032 --> 00:09:12,800 Andy, look at this little guy! 227 00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:14,835 He's such a little runt. Hey, there. 228 00:09:14,870 --> 00:09:16,487 Hey, Tom, look. 229 00:09:16,538 --> 00:09:19,106 Oh, I just had five cats on me at once! 230 00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:21,208 You wanna come in here and try to break my record? 231 00:09:21,243 --> 00:09:22,994 That's okay, Andy, I think I'm gonna keep my distance. 232 00:09:23,045 --> 00:09:24,679 Don't want none of that animal dander 233 00:09:24,713 --> 00:09:26,613 interacting with this cashmere. 234 00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:28,449 What's your endgame here, my dear? 235 00:09:28,483 --> 00:09:29,917 This is only temporary 236 00:09:29,951 --> 00:09:31,669 until I find a way to keep the shelter open 237 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,054 without cutting the Parks budget. 238 00:09:33,088 --> 00:09:35,122 Hey, what if I threw together a pet adoption 239 00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:37,141 in one of our parks... would that be cool? 240 00:09:37,175 --> 00:09:38,793 April, that would be the coolest thing 241 00:09:38,827 --> 00:09:42,229 since 'N Sync, Aerosmith, and Nelly performed together 242 00:09:42,264 --> 00:09:43,597 at the Super Bowl halftime show. 243 00:09:43,632 --> 00:09:45,032 Ew. 244 00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,600 I think I may have found a project 245 00:09:46,635 --> 00:09:49,036 I'd actually enjoy doing... 246 00:09:49,071 --> 00:09:50,972 helping these cats and dogs. 247 00:09:51,006 --> 00:09:52,974 They should be rewarded for not being people. 248 00:09:53,008 --> 00:09:55,476 I hate people. 249 00:09:55,510 --> 00:09:57,611 I'm very proud of you, April. 250 00:09:57,646 --> 00:09:59,880 Meanwhile, you and I are gonna look at the town budget 251 00:09:59,915 --> 00:10:02,283 and we're gonna find something expendable. 252 00:10:02,317 --> 00:10:04,885 Hey, Ben, the pig ate your noise-canceling headphones. 253 00:10:06,505 --> 00:10:09,357 Pigs are awesome! 254 00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:12,877 All told, we were in there about six hours. 255 00:10:12,928 --> 00:10:15,529 And no, I was not meditating. 256 00:10:15,564 --> 00:10:17,798 I just stood there, quietly breathing. 257 00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:20,067 There were no thoughts in my head whatsoever. 258 00:10:20,102 --> 00:10:22,203 My mind was blank. 259 00:10:22,237 --> 00:10:25,006 I don't know what the hell these other crackpots are doing. 260 00:10:28,243 --> 00:10:30,528 Jerry, the puppies are going to the bathroom everywhere. 261 00:10:30,562 --> 00:10:31,879 We can't let people see that. 262 00:10:31,913 --> 00:10:34,198 I need you to continuously clean out the cages, okay? 263 00:10:34,232 --> 00:10:35,682 - You got it, boss. - Thank you. 264 00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:38,302 Donna, did you put the info sheets on all the cages? 265 00:10:38,336 --> 00:10:39,520 - Last one. - Great. 266 00:10:39,554 --> 00:10:41,822 Each animal has a photo, special talents, 267 00:10:41,857 --> 00:10:43,157 and a personal history... 268 00:10:43,191 --> 00:10:44,992 That I made up. 269 00:10:45,027 --> 00:10:48,129 A lot of these dogs have rescued people from burning buildings. 270 00:10:48,163 --> 00:10:50,664 This one helped Ray Charles around. 271 00:10:50,698 --> 00:10:54,168 What? This cat was in Boogie Nights? 272 00:10:54,202 --> 00:10:57,254 - Hi. You like this little guy? - He's so cute. 273 00:10:57,305 --> 00:10:58,506 I know. 274 00:10:58,540 --> 00:11:00,541 All the animal are up-to-date on their shots. 275 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:03,044 - And I think he likes you. - He's pretty awesome. 276 00:11:03,078 --> 00:11:04,412 Did you know his great-grandfather 277 00:11:04,446 --> 00:11:06,180 was Spuds Mackenzie? 278 00:11:06,214 --> 00:11:09,216 What do you think, sweetie? Do you wanna take him home? 279 00:11:09,234 --> 00:11:11,885 Yes, please. 280 00:11:11,903 --> 00:11:14,188 Realistically, I'm guessing we dropped 281 00:11:14,222 --> 00:11:16,724 three to five points in the polls. 282 00:11:16,758 --> 00:11:19,794 This late in the game, it's killer. 283 00:11:19,828 --> 00:11:21,328 And that's a dog biscuit. 284 00:11:21,363 --> 00:11:22,830 Andy put them on the table 285 00:11:22,864 --> 00:11:24,898 'cause he wanted to try to have the dogs play poker. 286 00:11:24,916 --> 00:11:27,284 Okay, Leslie, we are out of time. 287 00:11:27,335 --> 00:11:29,637 - We have to go back to them. - Oh, my God! 288 00:11:29,671 --> 00:11:33,040 This is it. 289 00:11:33,075 --> 00:11:35,309 Hmm. 290 00:11:35,343 --> 00:11:37,478 Oh, for God's sake, Leslie. 291 00:11:37,512 --> 00:11:38,779 There's just not enough money to do all the things 292 00:11:38,814 --> 00:11:40,080 you wanna do. 293 00:11:40,098 --> 00:11:42,416 You're trying to fit two ships into one bottle. 294 00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:44,819 Take it from me, you can't do that. 295 00:11:44,853 --> 00:11:46,020 Okay, just look at this. 296 00:11:46,054 --> 00:11:49,023 There are three employees designated as D1, 297 00:11:49,057 --> 00:11:50,391 or on retainer. 298 00:11:50,425 --> 00:11:51,725 Public Works is still paying them 299 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,594 even though they haven't worked in two years. 300 00:11:53,612 --> 00:11:54,929 It's an oversight. 301 00:11:54,963 --> 00:11:56,597 We get rid of them and we have just enough money 302 00:11:56,631 --> 00:11:57,998 to keep the animal shelter operating 303 00:11:58,033 --> 00:12:00,034 while still maintaining the Parks budget. 304 00:12:00,068 --> 00:12:01,368 Interesting. 305 00:12:01,403 --> 00:12:03,320 Looks like we found a bigger bottle. 306 00:12:03,371 --> 00:12:05,206 I know you're just making a joke, 307 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,675 but using a bigger bottle would be considered cheating 308 00:12:07,709 --> 00:12:09,543 by most of our major trade publications. 309 00:12:09,578 --> 00:12:11,245 FYI. 310 00:12:11,279 --> 00:12:13,948 Ron, you've radiated mindfulness. 311 00:12:13,982 --> 00:12:15,382 What were you thinking about? 312 00:12:15,417 --> 00:12:17,852 - I wasn't thinking at all. - Incredible. 313 00:12:17,886 --> 00:12:19,854 It takes a ton of work for me 314 00:12:19,888 --> 00:12:21,722 to get to that kind of a clear head space, 315 00:12:21,756 --> 00:12:23,357 no matter how hard I try. 316 00:12:23,391 --> 00:12:25,392 Don't try so hard. 317 00:12:25,427 --> 00:12:28,596 Don't try... so hard. 318 00:12:28,630 --> 00:12:31,198 Ron, I'm going to try your "not trying" method 319 00:12:31,233 --> 00:12:32,833 right here, right now. 320 00:12:32,868 --> 00:12:34,735 Chris, wait. 321 00:12:34,769 --> 00:12:36,704 I know this crap is important to you, 322 00:12:36,738 --> 00:12:38,372 so I should come clean. 323 00:12:38,406 --> 00:12:40,741 I got nothing out of that experience at all. 324 00:12:40,775 --> 00:12:43,511 So if you're looking for someone who enjoys meditation... 325 00:12:43,545 --> 00:12:44,979 Oh, I didn't expect you to enjoy it. 326 00:12:45,013 --> 00:12:47,915 My one reservation about you as a co-worker 327 00:12:47,949 --> 00:12:49,416 was that you seem inflexible. 328 00:12:49,451 --> 00:12:51,085 And merely by agreeing 329 00:12:51,119 --> 00:12:52,720 to an activity you're not interested in, 330 00:12:52,754 --> 00:12:55,089 you showed flexibility. 331 00:12:55,123 --> 00:12:58,292 Ron, you've got the job. 332 00:12:58,326 --> 00:12:59,960 - You wanna head back? - I do. 333 00:12:59,994 --> 00:13:03,864 But first, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat 334 00:13:03,899 --> 00:13:06,133 in that Greek restaurant next door. 335 00:13:06,167 --> 00:13:10,671 I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the whole thing. 336 00:13:10,705 --> 00:13:12,839 Why is it so dead? Where is everyone? 337 00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:14,808 Don't give up yet. There's a few minutes left. 338 00:13:14,842 --> 00:13:17,177 Is this where we drop off our unwanted cats? 339 00:13:17,195 --> 00:13:20,064 - No. It's the opposite. - Okay. 340 00:13:20,115 --> 00:13:22,733 I'm just gonna put these here for a second. 341 00:13:22,784 --> 00:13:25,119 And then, uh... 342 00:13:27,021 --> 00:13:28,856 We ended up with more animals than we started with. 343 00:13:28,890 --> 00:13:30,641 This is what happens when you try. 344 00:13:30,675 --> 00:13:32,576 All of these animals are gonna die. 345 00:13:32,627 --> 00:13:33,961 God! 346 00:13:33,995 --> 00:13:35,329 I hope you're happy, 347 00:13:35,363 --> 00:13:37,264 stupid people in this stupid town! 348 00:13:37,299 --> 00:13:40,367 Hey! Hey, you! 349 00:13:40,402 --> 00:13:43,170 Get back here and get your cats out of there! 350 00:13:43,205 --> 00:13:45,472 Do you think Barack and Michelle Obama 351 00:13:45,507 --> 00:13:47,208 feel like this at the end of the day? 352 00:13:47,242 --> 00:13:49,310 Probably. I mean, I don't know how else... 353 00:13:49,344 --> 00:13:51,145 wait a second. Is that... 354 00:13:51,179 --> 00:13:52,680 so am I Michelle? 355 00:13:52,714 --> 00:13:55,316 Hey, how is everyone? 356 00:13:55,350 --> 00:13:56,650 - Great! - Pretty good. 357 00:13:56,685 --> 00:13:58,819 We saved the animal shelter and the Parks budget. 358 00:13:58,853 --> 00:14:01,121 That's great news. Let me guess. 359 00:14:01,156 --> 00:14:03,090 You found room in other parts of the budget somewhere? 360 00:14:03,124 --> 00:14:04,425 Totally. 361 00:14:04,459 --> 00:14:07,060 Got rid of a bunch of lame-ass D1's from Public Works. 362 00:14:07,078 --> 00:14:08,229 Awesome news. 363 00:14:08,263 --> 00:14:10,114 Hey, you know what else is pretty neat, 364 00:14:10,165 --> 00:14:11,332 is thanks to you, 365 00:14:11,366 --> 00:14:13,534 councilman Pillner went through the budget 366 00:14:13,568 --> 00:14:15,402 and decided that not just Public Works 367 00:14:15,420 --> 00:14:17,504 but all D1's will be terminated in two weeks. 368 00:14:18,039 --> 00:14:20,073 - I'm getting fired. - Ba-what now? 369 00:14:22,375 --> 00:14:23,476 Oh! Councilman Houser... 370 00:14:23,575 --> 00:14:25,365 I was just looking for you. 371 00:14:25,375 --> 00:14:26,976 I have found my assistant city manager. 372 00:14:27,010 --> 00:14:28,778 You wanna guess who it is? It's Ron Swanson! 373 00:14:28,812 --> 00:14:30,429 I'm sorry. I should've let you guess. 374 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:31,547 I'm just so excited. 375 00:14:31,581 --> 00:14:33,182 I'd put a pin in this for now. 376 00:14:33,216 --> 00:14:35,184 Why? Why pin it? 377 00:14:35,218 --> 00:14:36,752 The council vote is three to two 378 00:14:36,787 --> 00:14:38,154 in favor of another term for you. 379 00:14:38,188 --> 00:14:40,189 But one of the yes votes is retiring. 380 00:14:40,223 --> 00:14:41,657 If Bobby Newport wins, 381 00:14:41,692 --> 00:14:42,892 he's gonna try to bring in his own guy. 382 00:14:42,926 --> 00:14:44,293 Why would he do that? 383 00:14:44,328 --> 00:14:46,078 He's not exactly thrilled you've been volunteering 384 00:14:46,113 --> 00:14:48,431 for the Knope campaign in your spare time. 385 00:14:48,465 --> 00:14:50,766 Sorry, Chris. If Newport wins... 386 00:14:50,801 --> 00:14:52,303 You're gone. 387 00:14:54,338 --> 00:14:56,655 I just need one more week. 388 00:14:56,690 --> 00:14:58,341 - And then I think... - Sorry, could you please... 389 00:14:58,375 --> 00:14:59,842 Be careful? 390 00:14:59,876 --> 00:15:01,963 Oh, I am always careful. 391 00:15:04,414 --> 00:15:05,214 We're good. 392 00:15:05,248 --> 00:15:07,049 If I could just get a little bit more time, 393 00:15:07,083 --> 00:15:08,484 I could figure out how to fix this. 394 00:15:08,518 --> 00:15:10,919 Unfortunately, I cannot give you any more time. 395 00:15:10,937 --> 00:15:12,088 With due respect... 396 00:15:12,122 --> 00:15:13,956 Leslie, I am retiring at the end of this term, 397 00:15:13,990 --> 00:15:15,458 so I've been fine with you guys 398 00:15:15,492 --> 00:15:16,992 pushing me around on this budget thing. 399 00:15:17,027 --> 00:15:19,595 But if you're ever gonna hold this job, 400 00:15:19,629 --> 00:15:21,330 there's something you need to understand. 401 00:15:21,365 --> 00:15:24,066 City Council isn't about making everybody in town happy. 402 00:15:24,101 --> 00:15:25,868 In fact, every decision you make 403 00:15:25,902 --> 00:15:28,838 is gonna make a lot of people very unhappy. 404 00:15:28,872 --> 00:15:32,608 We play with live ammo around here. 405 00:15:32,642 --> 00:15:34,710 Now I'm gonna close the book on this budget draft 406 00:15:34,745 --> 00:15:36,379 by the end of the business day. 407 00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:39,048 So if you can find some way out of this mess by 5:00 P.M., 408 00:15:39,082 --> 00:15:40,449 you let me know. 409 00:15:40,484 --> 00:15:42,284 - Thank you. - That's fair. 410 00:15:42,319 --> 00:15:44,253 I did it! I got it out. 411 00:15:44,287 --> 00:15:46,589 Oh, geez. You don't take the ship out. 412 00:15:46,623 --> 00:15:49,392 Here you go. 413 00:15:50,894 --> 00:15:53,095 Chris! Great news! 414 00:15:53,130 --> 00:15:57,400 I found a way to reduce government spending by 85%. 415 00:15:57,434 --> 00:15:59,368 Here's a hint... no more departments. 416 00:15:59,403 --> 00:16:02,471 Ha, that crazy and impractical plan 417 00:16:02,506 --> 00:16:03,806 may have to wait. 418 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,608 Turns out that Bobby Newport, if he beats Leslie, 419 00:16:05,642 --> 00:16:06,942 is going to appoint his own city manager. 420 00:16:06,977 --> 00:16:08,611 So I may have offered you a job 421 00:16:08,645 --> 00:16:11,680 that I have no authority to offer. 422 00:16:11,715 --> 00:16:15,818 - I'm so so sorry. - Well, that is disappointing. 423 00:16:15,852 --> 00:16:17,720 But don't worry about me. I'll be fine. 424 00:16:17,754 --> 00:16:19,088 Oh, I know. 425 00:16:19,122 --> 00:16:20,973 I mean, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? 426 00:16:21,007 --> 00:16:22,391 We're all just molecules, 427 00:16:22,426 --> 00:16:25,761 floating around in random patterns... 428 00:16:25,796 --> 00:16:28,497 Devoid of meaning. 429 00:16:28,532 --> 00:16:30,232 Well, I'll see you when I see you. 430 00:16:30,267 --> 00:16:31,867 I'm a rolling stone. 431 00:16:31,902 --> 00:16:33,769 - Peace. - Stop. 432 00:16:33,804 --> 00:16:35,771 Have a seat. 433 00:16:35,806 --> 00:16:39,675 We did things your way, now we're gonna do it my way. 434 00:16:39,693 --> 00:16:43,011 Prepare to experience true freedom and bliss. 435 00:16:43,029 --> 00:16:45,848 Oh, maybe I should just go back to being a nurse full-time. 436 00:16:45,882 --> 00:16:49,418 No, I will not let you return to a life of shaving wieners 437 00:16:49,453 --> 00:16:51,420 and dodging knife attacks from meth heads. 438 00:16:51,955 --> 00:16:55,324 Right. Okay, what are you gonna do? 439 00:16:55,358 --> 00:16:58,527 Well, either you get fired, the Parks budget shrinks, 440 00:16:58,562 --> 00:16:59,929 or the animal shelter's gotta go. 441 00:16:59,963 --> 00:17:01,363 Or we find money somewhere else. 442 00:17:01,398 --> 00:17:03,466 Okay, Leslie, there is nowhere else. 443 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:06,268 This is a town budget, not a bottomless trust fund. 444 00:17:06,303 --> 00:17:08,170 Okay? 445 00:17:08,204 --> 00:17:09,405 Money doesn't just appear out of nowhere. 446 00:17:09,439 --> 00:17:10,673 - Shh. Stop talking. - What? 447 00:17:10,707 --> 00:17:12,041 Shh. 448 00:17:12,075 --> 00:17:13,709 I have half an idea and I'm putting it together. 449 00:17:13,743 --> 00:17:14,977 - Okay. - Hey! 450 00:17:15,011 --> 00:17:16,145 - Do you wanna... - Heh. 451 00:17:16,179 --> 00:17:17,213 - I'm... - No! 452 00:17:17,247 --> 00:17:19,281 - Do you? - Unh. Shh. 453 00:17:19,316 --> 00:17:21,584 Okay, now I have a complete idea. 454 00:17:21,618 --> 00:17:25,020 Ben, I'm going to commit political suicide. 455 00:17:29,092 --> 00:17:33,095 Hey, it's me. Tommy! 456 00:17:33,129 --> 00:17:34,630 - Hi! - I'm not here. 457 00:17:34,664 --> 00:17:35,865 April. 458 00:17:35,899 --> 00:17:37,199 Swear on my great-great-grandmother's grave 459 00:17:37,234 --> 00:17:38,334 I'm not here. 460 00:17:38,368 --> 00:17:40,286 I'm gonna come in for a second. 461 00:17:40,337 --> 00:17:42,137 Can you just leave me alone? 462 00:17:42,172 --> 00:17:44,423 Why so glum, sugar plum? 463 00:17:44,457 --> 00:17:45,841 Um, I don't know. 464 00:17:45,876 --> 00:17:47,910 Maybe because I worked so hard on that dumb pet adoption 465 00:17:47,944 --> 00:17:49,578 and I failed. 466 00:17:49,613 --> 00:17:51,514 That's why it's stupid to work hard. 467 00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:52,648 Let me show you something. 468 00:17:52,682 --> 00:17:54,300 Because you worked hard, 469 00:17:54,351 --> 00:17:57,052 this little terribly-dressed girl has a puppy. 470 00:17:57,086 --> 00:17:59,588 And this little puppy has a home. 471 00:17:59,623 --> 00:18:02,224 If Leslie's taught me anything, it's that yes, 472 00:18:02,259 --> 00:18:05,361 98% of the time, this job is frustrating 473 00:18:05,395 --> 00:18:07,530 and you hit brick walls. 474 00:18:07,564 --> 00:18:11,433 But the other 2%, it's stuff like this kid. 475 00:18:11,468 --> 00:18:13,302 And that puppy. 476 00:18:13,336 --> 00:18:15,004 What... what is that photo? 477 00:18:15,038 --> 00:18:17,006 That must come preloaded in there or something. 478 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,009 - Oh, my God. - See you at work tomorrow? 479 00:18:20,043 --> 00:18:21,343 Fine. 480 00:18:21,378 --> 00:18:22,478 All right. 481 00:18:22,512 --> 00:18:24,582 Bye, pups! Bye, little piggies! 482 00:18:26,616 --> 00:18:29,585 I don't usually poison my body with dark alcohol, 483 00:18:29,619 --> 00:18:32,688 but this whiskey is... excellent! 484 00:18:32,722 --> 00:18:33,956 Nectar of the gods. 485 00:18:33,990 --> 00:18:37,026 Well, I should get back to my office. 486 00:18:37,060 --> 00:18:39,128 As long as I have one. 487 00:18:39,162 --> 00:18:41,797 Chris, I'm not one for positive thinking 488 00:18:41,831 --> 00:18:44,149 or visualization or meditation 489 00:18:44,184 --> 00:18:46,468 or really anything in the world that you believe in. 490 00:18:47,003 --> 00:18:49,972 But you might consider the upside of losing your job. 491 00:18:50,706 --> 00:18:51,740 For example? 492 00:18:51,775 --> 00:18:54,510 You would no longer be a government parasite, 493 00:18:54,544 --> 00:18:57,279 sucking the lifeblood from honest, hardworking people. 494 00:18:57,314 --> 00:19:01,750 Instead, you'd contribute to society like a man. 495 00:19:01,785 --> 00:19:03,652 That's just one way it might be good. 496 00:19:03,687 --> 00:19:05,305 I'm sure there are others. 497 00:19:07,256 --> 00:19:08,826 I'm sure there are. 498 00:19:13,013 --> 00:19:15,264 Uh-oh. You look serious. What's on the agenda? 499 00:19:15,298 --> 00:19:16,849 Just one item, Jennifer. 500 00:19:16,883 --> 00:19:18,333 You're going to announce 501 00:19:18,351 --> 00:19:19,835 that Bobby Newport will use his personal fortune 502 00:19:19,869 --> 00:19:21,103 to save the animal shelter. 503 00:19:21,137 --> 00:19:24,273 No. No, that's... 504 00:19:24,307 --> 00:19:27,009 that's, um... 505 00:19:27,043 --> 00:19:28,510 that is a great idea. 506 00:19:28,545 --> 00:19:30,813 In fact, I don't know why I hadn't thought of it already. 507 00:19:30,847 --> 00:19:32,114 Damn it. Damn it! 508 00:19:33,550 --> 00:19:34,900 I swear the air in this town is killing my brain cells. 509 00:19:34,951 --> 00:19:36,585 Actually, the water's not good for you either. 510 00:19:36,620 --> 00:19:37,820 You shouldn't drink the tap water. 511 00:19:37,854 --> 00:19:38,988 Has anyone told you that yet? 512 00:19:39,022 --> 00:19:41,457 In exchange, no more puppy killer ads 513 00:19:41,491 --> 00:19:42,992 for the rest of the campaign. 514 00:19:43,026 --> 00:19:44,860 - That's all we ask. - Okay. 515 00:19:44,878 --> 00:19:47,162 Well, what's to stop me from just paying for the shelter 516 00:19:47,197 --> 00:19:48,163 and still running the ads? 517 00:19:48,198 --> 00:19:49,665 Because I told councilman Pillner 518 00:19:49,699 --> 00:19:51,033 that if you don't agree to our terms, 519 00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:52,334 he should cut the Parks budget. 520 00:19:52,369 --> 00:19:55,037 And we'll leak that it was Leslie's decision 521 00:19:55,071 --> 00:19:56,839 and yours seem tough and fair, 522 00:19:56,873 --> 00:19:59,341 what with sacrificing her old apartment. 523 00:19:59,376 --> 00:20:01,710 Okay, what's in it for you? 524 00:20:01,745 --> 00:20:03,979 A safe home for the animals, a job for my friend, 525 00:20:04,014 --> 00:20:05,280 and a full Parks budget. 526 00:20:05,315 --> 00:20:06,749 I wasn't born yesterday. 527 00:20:06,783 --> 00:20:09,284 You've gotta have an angle. This is a home run for us! 528 00:20:09,319 --> 00:20:11,186 We're gonna dominate the news cycle for a whole week. 529 00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:13,739 Well, you can have this week. We'll take the next one. 530 00:20:13,773 --> 00:20:15,791 Oh, yeah? What makes you so sure? 531 00:20:15,825 --> 00:20:18,060 Because in a week, we have a debate. 532 00:20:18,078 --> 00:20:20,896 And your guy Bobby Newport is gonna have to show up, 533 00:20:20,930 --> 00:20:22,898 and he's gonna have to open his mouth. 534 00:20:22,932 --> 00:20:25,634 And I'm gonna kick his ass. 535 00:20:25,669 --> 00:20:28,370 She'll take care of that. See ya next week! 536 00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:34,590 How's my best buddy? Just bought this. 537 00:20:34,674 --> 00:20:36,075 Cranium. It's a board game. Have you heard of it? 538 00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:38,994 It is literally the most fun I have ever had. 539 00:20:39,045 --> 00:20:40,146 What do you say, after work, 540 00:20:40,180 --> 00:20:43,149 you, me, whiskey, wheatgrass, Cranium? 541 00:20:43,183 --> 00:20:44,867 - Ron? - Chris? 542 00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:47,420 Sorry, he's meditating. 543 00:20:47,454 --> 00:20:48,921 He asked me to tell anyone who comes in 544 00:20:48,955 --> 00:20:51,056 that he wishes to remain undisturbed 545 00:20:51,091 --> 00:20:53,926 so as to better clarify his head space. 546 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,261 Oh, God, Ron. I am so sorry. 547 00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:56,611 I'll let you get at it. 548 00:20:58,295 --> 00:21:03,611 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 549 00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:08,187 VeRdiKT