1
00:00:00,566 --> 00:00:03,834
Okay, everybody.
Big, big news.

2
00:00:04,027 --> 00:00:05,727
Uh, Leslie, would you like
to do the honors?

3
00:00:05,795 --> 00:00:07,162
No, I think
you should deliver the news.

4
00:00:07,211 --> 00:00:08,324
Yeah, but you're the candidate.

5
00:00:08,343 --> 00:00:09,778
Yeah, but you're
the brilliant campaign manager.

6
00:00:09,808 --> 00:00:11,130
- But you're the cutest.
- I love you.

7
00:00:11,172 --> 00:00:12,805
I love you too.

8
00:00:13,843 --> 00:00:15,895
Hey, were you going
to tell us something?

9
00:00:15,971 --> 00:00:17,205
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, right.

10
00:00:17,253 --> 00:00:18,687
The latest poll has us

11
00:00:18,773 --> 00:00:21,175
only two points
behind Bobby Newport!

12
00:00:21,243 --> 00:00:22,576
- Whoo! Yes!
- Two points!

13
00:00:22,644 --> 00:00:23,911
I know, you guys,

14
00:00:23,979 --> 00:00:25,613
we only have one more day
to close the gap,

15
00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:28,883
and we're going to do so
in a one-time campaign blitz

16
00:00:28,950 --> 00:00:30,783
aboard the S.S. Knope.

17
00:00:30,851 --> 00:00:32,852
This is going to be our home
for the next 24 hours.

18
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,654
And if we win, hopefully,
it will be the home

19
00:00:34,690 --> 00:00:36,624
- that Ben and I share forever.
- Uh, what?

20
00:00:36,642 --> 00:00:37,986
It's just an idea I had.
We don't have to do it.

21
00:00:38,007 --> 00:00:38,939
Whatever.
We can talk about it.

22
00:00:39,027 --> 00:00:40,060
Okay, here we go!

23
00:00:40,128 --> 00:00:41,361
We've come so far.

24
00:00:41,429 --> 00:00:43,463
I want this so bad,
I can taste it.

25
00:00:43,531 --> 00:00:45,664
When I close my eyes,

26
00:00:45,732 --> 00:00:47,866
I can picture
the flash of the cameras

27
00:00:47,934 --> 00:00:49,468
at my swearing in.

28
00:00:49,536 --> 00:00:51,904
And I can hear
the sound of the applause

29
00:00:51,971 --> 00:00:53,596
when I take my oath.

30
00:00:53,715 --> 00:00:55,983
And I can see in the crowd

31
00:00:56,176 --> 00:00:59,245
president Obama smiling at me.

32
00:00:59,812 --> 00:01:01,179
He made it.

33
00:01:01,247 --> 00:01:04,149
I didn't think he would come,
but he made it.

34
00:01:04,528 --> 00:01:05,982
Hey, buddy.

35
00:01:09,155 --> 00:01:14,155
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

36
00:01:26,871 --> 00:01:28,539
A few days ago,
on a routine campaign stop

37
00:01:28,606 --> 00:01:29,873
in downtown Pawnee,

38
00:01:29,941 --> 00:01:33,509
one Leslie Knope—
pause—was attacked—

39
00:01:33,783 --> 00:01:36,418
play—
by a pie.

40
00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:39,178
Luckily, it only hit Jerry,
so no damage was done.

41
00:01:39,228 --> 00:01:41,498
Play—
the only evidence we have

42
00:01:41,552 --> 00:01:42,842
is a video shot by...

43
00:01:42,886 --> 00:01:46,456
pause—my wife,
April Ludgate.

44
00:01:46,618 --> 00:01:49,532
This is Bert Macklin's
greatest assignment yet.

45
00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:52,759
If you are watching,
perpetrator,

46
00:01:53,545 --> 00:01:56,886
just know that
you are still at large.

47
00:01:56,999 --> 00:01:58,401
Okay, listen up, folks.

48
00:01:58,436 --> 00:02:00,171
We have
a security situation here.

49
00:02:00,231 --> 00:02:02,932
As you know,
when we reach the location,

50
00:02:02,962 --> 00:02:05,362
I will be conducting
a security sweep.

51
00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:07,632
Also, from now on,
we'll be using code names.

52
00:02:07,675 --> 00:02:09,929
You can address me
as "eagle one."

53
00:02:10,039 --> 00:02:12,322
Ann, code name:
"Been there, done that."

54
00:02:12,347 --> 00:02:14,517
April is
"currently doing that."

55
00:02:14,623 --> 00:02:16,907
Donna is
"it happened once in a dream."

56
00:02:16,946 --> 00:02:19,122
Chris, code name:
"If I had to pick a dude."

57
00:02:19,227 --> 00:02:21,851
Ben is "eagle two."

58
00:02:21,937 --> 00:02:23,472
Oh, thank God.

59
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,712
No, please.
Come—

60
00:02:25,892 --> 00:02:27,360
we have a problem.

61
00:02:27,403 --> 00:02:28,478
The vans we rented to take

62
00:02:28,503 --> 00:02:30,233
senior citizens
to the polls tomorrow

63
00:02:30,264 --> 00:02:32,165
are now, quote,
"no longer available."

64
00:02:32,233 --> 00:02:32,869
What?

65
00:02:32,900 --> 00:02:34,923
I thought we locked those vans
down, like, a week ago.

66
00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:36,748
Yeah, we worked really hard
to get those seniors back

67
00:02:36,778 --> 00:02:38,511
on our side
after that ramp debacle.

68
00:02:38,555 --> 00:02:40,050
- I really need their votes.
- Okay.

69
00:02:40,075 --> 00:02:42,355
Tom, go down there
and get those vans back.

70
00:02:42,380 --> 00:02:44,664
I'll use
my legendary Haverford charm.

71
00:02:44,695 --> 00:02:46,347
I have total faith in you.

72
00:02:46,378 --> 00:02:48,372
Take Donna with you.
Ron, you go too.

73
00:02:48,687 --> 00:02:50,987
April, you are a very intelligent
and savvy young woman.

74
00:02:51,006 --> 00:02:52,701
I do not just think of you
as just a gofer,

75
00:02:52,785 --> 00:02:54,318
but right now,
I need you to get me

76
00:02:54,373 --> 00:02:56,055
a triple espresso
with eight sugars.

77
00:02:56,251 --> 00:02:56,993
Okay.

78
00:02:57,086 --> 00:02:59,440
Wha— I'm on it.
I'll go. I'm going.

79
00:02:59,531 --> 00:03:01,116
Please, I can go.
I don't mind.

80
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,510
It's better than listening to her
stump speech for a millionth time.

81
00:03:03,526 --> 00:03:06,314
No. I will do it.
I have to do it.

82
00:03:06,362 --> 00:03:08,270
I need to do it.
Good-bye.

83
00:03:08,433 --> 00:03:10,833
This has been a difficult
year for me, romantically.

84
00:03:11,125 --> 00:03:15,004
Millicent Gergich,
Ann Perkins, Andy's professor—

85
00:03:15,239 --> 00:03:16,706
lots of disappointment,

86
00:03:16,774 --> 00:03:19,142
but if I keep my body moving

87
00:03:19,172 --> 00:03:21,039
and my mind occupied
at all times,

88
00:03:21,064 --> 00:03:24,880
I will avoid falling into
a bottomless pit of despair.

89
00:03:25,715 --> 00:03:28,116
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

90
00:03:28,153 --> 00:03:31,087
the next city councilor
of the great city of Pawnee,

91
00:03:31,188 --> 00:03:32,488
Leslie Knope!

92
00:03:34,209 --> 00:03:35,933
This is "eagle one,"
"been there, done that"

93
00:03:35,958 --> 00:03:37,196
is leaving the stage.

94
00:03:37,227 --> 00:03:39,747
"I'd be lying if I said
I hadn't thought about it"

95
00:03:39,789 --> 00:03:41,736
is in position.

96
00:03:42,498 --> 00:03:45,500
What do we want for our city?
I'll tell you what I want.

97
00:03:45,568 --> 00:03:48,536
I want better schools,
I want cleaner streets,

98
00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:50,605
I want to expel
the violent gangs

99
00:03:50,648 --> 00:03:53,349
of geese in Detweiler Square.

100
00:03:53,404 --> 00:03:57,506
And I will finally eliminate
this city's libraries!

101
00:03:58,613 --> 00:03:59,979
Thank you.

102
00:04:00,047 --> 00:04:01,972
In the last few weeks,
we've turned this campaign

103
00:04:02,016 --> 00:04:03,817
into a well-oiled machine.

104
00:04:03,884 --> 00:04:07,171
Leslie's stump speech
is 10 minutes and 40 seconds

105
00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:08,196
every time.

106
00:04:08,235 --> 00:04:09,668
Here, check this out.

107
00:04:09,924 --> 00:04:14,259
There will be a big laugh
right... now.

108
00:04:17,551 --> 00:04:20,239
And now,
a two-second awkward silence

109
00:04:20,271 --> 00:04:22,161
after Leslie does her
Rodney Dangerfield impression.

110
00:04:22,189 --> 00:04:23,177
I tell ya,

111
00:04:23,202 --> 00:04:24,402
these geese
don't give me no respect.

112
00:04:24,442 --> 00:04:26,906
No respect at all.

113
00:04:27,576 --> 00:04:29,769
She insists on trying it
every time,

114
00:04:29,808 --> 00:04:31,643
and it never works.

115
00:04:31,711 --> 00:04:34,097
But the rest of the speech,
fantastic.

116
00:04:34,128 --> 00:04:36,829
When I was building parks,
helping the community,

117
00:04:36,847 --> 00:04:39,012
and putting together
the harvest festival,

118
00:04:39,082 --> 00:04:40,349
where was Bobby?

119
00:04:40,542 --> 00:04:42,363
He and his father, Nick Newport

120
00:04:42,399 --> 00:04:45,312
were exploiting this city
for their personal gain.

121
00:04:45,523 --> 00:04:46,890
You deserve more.

122
00:04:47,900 --> 00:04:48,956
Here's the best part.

123
00:04:48,974 --> 00:04:50,594
Watch what happens
when she says...

124
00:04:50,662 --> 00:04:54,045
Together,
we can build a better Pawnee.

125
00:04:58,103 --> 00:05:00,602
Everybody says
they care about the issues,

126
00:05:00,727 --> 00:05:02,262
but at the end of the day,

127
00:05:02,305 --> 00:05:05,106
all anyone really wants
is free clothing

128
00:05:05,150 --> 00:05:07,552
shot at them from a cannon.

129
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:12,064
I've been staring
at this board for days.

130
00:05:12,349 --> 00:05:13,783
I'm so close
to putting it together.

131
00:05:13,850 --> 00:05:15,652
There's got to be
something we missed.

132
00:05:15,907 --> 00:05:18,040
Let's go over this again.

133
00:05:18,094 --> 00:05:22,477
The video shows that
the pie came from a high angle,

134
00:05:22,692 --> 00:05:26,928
so it would've hit your face...
like this.

135
00:05:27,664 --> 00:05:28,809
Mm-hmm.

136
00:05:28,851 --> 00:05:30,984
Don't close your eyes.

137
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,434
Uh—

138
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,700
No, no.
It was actually from up higher.

139
00:05:40,054 --> 00:05:41,188
Is that about right?

140
00:05:41,288 --> 00:05:42,910
- Yeah.
- Good.

141
00:05:42,941 --> 00:05:45,527
Clean yourself up.
Let's do this again.

142
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,415
Hey, Bill!

143
00:05:47,482 --> 00:05:49,283
Tom Haverford
from the Knope campaign.

144
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,893
And you brought
the whole posse with you, huh?

145
00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:53,602
I'm not changing my mind.

146
00:05:53,646 --> 00:05:55,691
We already paid
for those vans, Mr. Butler.

147
00:05:55,724 --> 00:05:57,662
$900 for one day.

148
00:05:57,705 --> 00:06:00,270
Yeah, it was $900,
but now it's $10,000.

149
00:06:00,353 --> 00:06:01,466
Excuse me?

150
00:06:01,499 --> 00:06:03,669
The Newport campaign
offered me 10 grand

151
00:06:03,687 --> 00:06:05,800
to just rent the vans
and park them somewhere.

152
00:06:05,857 --> 00:06:07,345
So I'm going to tear up
your contract,

153
00:06:07,380 --> 00:06:08,513
and I'm going to take the money.

154
00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:09,568
Anything else?

155
00:06:09,623 --> 00:06:11,690
No? Great.

156
00:06:12,146 --> 00:06:13,180
Well, what now?

157
00:06:13,228 --> 00:06:14,595
He's just playing hardball.

158
00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,216
Let me tell you
how it's gonna go down.

159
00:06:16,266 --> 00:06:17,847
In a few minutes,
we'll walk in there,

160
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:19,878
we'll give him our demands,
and then, bam!

161
00:06:20,014 --> 00:06:21,358
I start crying.

162
00:06:21,401 --> 00:06:24,219
We need the vans, so please,

163
00:06:24,257 --> 00:06:26,360
give the vans, please?

164
00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:27,533
We need the vans.

165
00:06:27,559 --> 00:06:30,864
And if elected,
I promise to stop the Newports

166
00:06:30,918 --> 00:06:34,156
and Sweetums from
blatantly dumping contaminants

167
00:06:34,193 --> 00:06:35,360
into the Pawnee river.

168
00:06:37,288 --> 00:06:40,961
Leslie, can you comment
on Bobby's father Nick Newport?

169
00:06:41,013 --> 00:06:43,849
Nick Newport has been
intimidating and bullying

170
00:06:43,872 --> 00:06:45,539
and poisoning
this town for years.

171
00:06:45,670 --> 00:06:47,639
Frankly, he's a real jerk,

172
00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:49,537
and if he thinks he can buy
this election for his son,

173
00:06:49,562 --> 00:06:50,237
he's wrong.

174
00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:51,793
Sorry, I meant
can you comment on

175
00:06:51,843 --> 00:06:54,978
Nick Newport
dying earlier today?

176
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,545
He died?

177
00:06:58,305 --> 00:07:00,605
I...

178
00:07:00,717 --> 00:07:01,605
Sad.

179
00:07:01,642 --> 00:07:03,273
Is that
your official statement?

180
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:04,547
"I sad"?

181
00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:08,111
No, my official statement is

182
00:07:08,491 --> 00:07:10,776
that is overall,

183
00:07:10,846 --> 00:07:11,780
a bummer.

184
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:12,897
Oof.

185
00:07:12,916 --> 00:07:15,952
And—and together
we can build a better Pawnee.

186
00:07:24,407 --> 00:07:26,056
Frankly, he's a real jerk.

187
00:07:26,143 --> 00:07:29,827
Harsh words, but this reporter
does love those t-shirt cannons.

188
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:31,982
Now, Jen, what are
your thoughts about all of this?

189
00:07:32,018 --> 00:07:34,012
This is not a time
for politics.

190
00:07:34,216 --> 00:07:36,739
I am calling on Leslie Knope
to cancel

191
00:07:36,777 --> 00:07:38,058
all of her campaign events

192
00:07:38,089 --> 00:07:40,396
out of respect
for the Newport family.

193
00:07:40,465 --> 00:07:42,867
Anything else would
be a classless move,

194
00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:48,421
on par with spray-painting
nipples on the Lincoln memorial.

195
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,181
Okay, emergency meeting.

196
00:07:50,248 --> 00:07:52,483
I need everyone
to gather around me

197
00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:53,915
in order of
how much I trust them.

198
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,295
Here's the situation.
A man has died.

199
00:07:58,348 --> 00:08:00,910
But that man is 98 years old,
and he's an awful man.

200
00:08:00,928 --> 00:08:02,604
However, he is a man,
and he died.

201
00:08:02,626 --> 00:08:04,632
Also, you called
the dead man a jerk.

202
00:08:04,663 --> 00:08:06,395
However, he was a jerk.

203
00:08:06,673 --> 00:08:08,432
He put a lot of people
out of work,

204
00:08:08,540 --> 00:08:09,919
he had tons of mistresses,

205
00:08:09,937 --> 00:08:11,470
he polluted this town.

206
00:08:11,530 --> 00:08:12,580
Okay, Ben, what do we do?

207
00:08:12,611 --> 00:08:15,316
Okay, it's unfortunate,
but the stakes are too high.

208
00:08:15,335 --> 00:08:18,838
We can't just stop campaigning.
We stop, we lose.

209
00:08:18,875 --> 00:08:20,188
Good answer, great body.

210
00:08:20,213 --> 00:08:21,519
Ann, try to beat what he said.

211
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:23,011
I'm not going to beat him.

212
00:08:23,079 --> 00:08:24,267
Not with that attitude.

213
00:08:24,301 --> 00:08:26,066
Okay, fine.
I think you should stop.

214
00:08:26,309 --> 00:08:27,975
At least until you apologize
to Bobby in person.

215
00:08:28,137 --> 00:08:28,982
April?

216
00:08:29,013 --> 00:08:31,601
I wasn't listening, but
I strongly disagree with Ann.

217
00:08:31,653 --> 00:08:32,586
Andy?

218
00:08:32,633 --> 00:08:35,677
If the—if the guy—if—

219
00:08:35,722 --> 00:08:36,434
Okay.

220
00:08:36,465 --> 00:08:39,039
I absolutely think that
we should keep campaigning.

221
00:08:39,094 --> 00:08:41,159
The worst possible thing
we could do would be to stop,

222
00:08:41,196 --> 00:08:43,498
'cause if the campaign stops,
we all stop.

223
00:08:43,522 --> 00:08:45,716
And stopping is certain death.
Who wants a panini?

224
00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:47,666
Anyone? Everyone?
I'm going to say everyone.

225
00:08:47,697 --> 00:08:49,422
All right.

226
00:08:49,503 --> 00:08:50,970
All right, Leslie,
what's your call?

227
00:08:51,202 --> 00:08:54,217
Ann, there is nothing harder
in the entire world

228
00:08:54,275 --> 00:08:55,942
than saying no
to your beautiful face.

229
00:08:56,010 --> 00:08:57,073
But I'm going to.

230
00:08:57,098 --> 00:08:58,737
No! We're going
to keep campaigning.

231
00:08:58,779 --> 00:09:00,545
Okay, but we're going to do it
in a classy and respectful way

232
00:09:00,613 --> 00:09:01,916
to get Ann off of our backs.

233
00:09:02,101 --> 00:09:03,569
What's next on the "schedge?"

234
00:09:03,906 --> 00:09:05,514
If you let Newport
have the vans,

235
00:09:05,532 --> 00:09:06,745
they just sit there in a lot.

236
00:09:06,787 --> 00:09:10,098
If you let us have the vans,
they drive around town all day.

237
00:09:10,199 --> 00:09:13,068
Free publicity.
Everyone will see your logo.

238
00:09:13,274 --> 00:09:16,361
Which is you all pressed
up on some chick with huge cans.

239
00:09:16,409 --> 00:09:18,368
Yeah.
It was a hell of a day.

240
00:09:18,534 --> 00:09:19,905
People need to know about it.

241
00:09:19,936 --> 00:09:21,461
And I don't need free publicity.

242
00:09:21,486 --> 00:09:25,012
I can just pay for it.
With my $10,000.

243
00:09:25,070 --> 00:09:27,272
Look, I ain't gonna try
to play a player.

244
00:09:27,307 --> 00:09:29,301
You're trying to get beaucoup bucks
just like the rest of us.

245
00:09:29,347 --> 00:09:30,285
So how about this?

246
00:09:30,321 --> 00:09:33,418
I have a business idea
for a gourmet alcoholic yogurt.

247
00:09:33,511 --> 00:09:35,878
I call it...
Yogurt platinum.

248
00:09:36,132 --> 00:09:37,533
I'll let you in
on the ground floor.

249
00:09:37,675 --> 00:09:38,982
And let me tell you,
it's going to be

250
00:09:39,007 --> 00:09:40,532
worth way more than 10 grand.

251
00:09:40,584 --> 00:09:42,353
Yeah, but now that
I know your bad idea,

252
00:09:42,386 --> 00:09:46,155
I can start the company myself.
With my $10,000.

253
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:48,368
No, you can't do that!
Ron!

254
00:09:48,425 --> 00:09:51,389
Tom, Donna, could
you please give us a moment?

255
00:09:51,551 --> 00:09:53,951
I'd like to talk to Bill,
man to man.

256
00:09:54,163 --> 00:09:55,500
He's gonna steal
yogurt platinum.

257
00:09:55,532 --> 00:09:56,966
No, I'm not.

258
00:09:57,284 --> 00:09:59,105
"We're all your friends,"
said Mr. Bacon.

259
00:09:59,139 --> 00:10:01,710
"Welcome home."
The end.

260
00:10:01,766 --> 00:10:04,536
And that is
Groffle, the awful Waffle,

261
00:10:04,561 --> 00:10:06,511
a book that
I wrote and published

262
00:10:06,759 --> 00:10:09,026
on behalf
of my education initiative.

263
00:10:09,231 --> 00:10:10,197
Any questions?

264
00:10:10,403 --> 00:10:11,337
Yes?

265
00:10:11,372 --> 00:10:13,578
How did Groffle cross
the syrup river?

266
00:10:13,612 --> 00:10:16,320
And why did you call
Mr. Newport a jerk?

267
00:10:17,107 --> 00:10:20,185
Ah—well, I should not have
called Nick Newport a jerk,

268
00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:23,042
because we need to be respectful
of all dead people.

269
00:10:23,108 --> 00:10:25,625
I mean, not Stalin or Hitler,
but—

270
00:10:26,206 --> 00:10:27,974
I'm not calling
Nick Newport Hitler.

271
00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,517
Ms. Knope, I have a follow-up

272
00:10:29,581 --> 00:10:32,017
to what I'm now deciding
to call "jerk-gate."

273
00:10:32,073 --> 00:10:34,236
Are there any other
deceased members

274
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,510
of Bobby Newport's family
you'd like to attack?

275
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:38,139
And quit ducking
the waffle question.

276
00:10:38,164 --> 00:10:39,720
Did Groffle use
a boat of some kind?

277
00:10:39,757 --> 00:10:41,374
All right, that's all
the questions for now.

278
00:10:41,417 --> 00:10:42,366
Thank you, everybody.

279
00:10:42,395 --> 00:10:44,411
Are we to assume that he swam
across the syrup river?

280
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:45,378
Ms. Knope!

281
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:46,703
I'm never going to get away

282
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,881
from these Nick Newport
questions.

283
00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:50,798
It's obvious
what you need to do.

284
00:10:50,923 --> 00:10:53,973
You have to apologize
to Bobby and stop campaigning.

285
00:10:54,403 --> 00:10:55,680
Okay, fine.

286
00:10:56,038 --> 00:10:58,751
- We go to Bobby Newport,
you apologize... - Good.

287
00:10:58,782 --> 00:11:00,998
And then we leak
the details to the press,

288
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:03,696
which restores your reputation
and buys us enough time

289
00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:05,446
- to finish the bus tour.
- Nice.

290
00:11:05,507 --> 00:11:07,368
No, that's not a real apology.

291
00:11:07,399 --> 00:11:08,874
It's just sneaky.
I don't like it.

292
00:11:08,909 --> 00:11:11,124
Ann, for once,
this is not about you.

293
00:11:11,386 --> 00:11:13,463
A man is dead.

294
00:11:14,150 --> 00:11:16,984
Look, friend,
I respect your slavish devotion

295
00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:18,319
to the free market,

296
00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:20,713
but you can't welch
on a contract.

297
00:11:21,488 --> 00:11:24,926
Where I come from,
a man's word is sacred.

298
00:11:25,093 --> 00:11:27,394
Okay, what's your stance
on pinky swears,

299
00:11:27,462 --> 00:11:29,137
George Washington?

300
00:11:29,303 --> 00:11:30,937
I'm taking the money.

301
00:11:32,023 --> 00:11:34,192
Fine.
I'll match it.

302
00:11:34,585 --> 00:11:36,586
I'll give you
$10,000 for the vans.

303
00:11:36,622 --> 00:11:37,269
Deal?

304
00:11:37,307 --> 00:11:39,307
No. Price has gone up.

305
00:11:39,843 --> 00:11:40,910
Now it's $12,000.

306
00:11:40,972 --> 00:11:42,299
What? Why?

307
00:11:42,359 --> 00:11:43,259
Look,

308
00:11:43,299 --> 00:11:45,600
I own a fleet
of 22 crappy white vans,

309
00:11:45,630 --> 00:11:47,230
and for some reason
there's a massive bidding war

310
00:11:47,255 --> 00:11:48,722
going on over them.

311
00:11:48,819 --> 00:11:52,383
Now for a guy whose only assets
are 22 crappy white vans,

312
00:11:52,536 --> 00:11:53,962
it's pretty much
a dream scenario,

313
00:11:54,036 --> 00:11:56,092
so I'm just going
to ride this out,

314
00:11:56,158 --> 00:11:58,074
see where it takes me.

315
00:11:58,105 --> 00:11:59,972
And now it's 15,000.

316
00:12:00,242 --> 00:12:02,724
Okay, I talked Newport's
people into giving us

317
00:12:02,761 --> 00:12:04,293
ten minutes alone with Bobby,

318
00:12:04,318 --> 00:12:06,332
so we get in there,
we apologize,

319
00:12:06,363 --> 00:12:08,066
and then we get back
on the campaign trail.

320
00:12:08,101 --> 00:12:09,501
Okay, how do we leak this
to the press?

321
00:12:09,532 --> 00:12:10,953
Do we, like, release
a statement?

322
00:12:10,978 --> 00:12:12,097
Do we call somebody?

323
00:12:12,159 --> 00:12:15,236
Um, I don't think that's going
to be a problem.

324
00:12:15,305 --> 00:12:18,207
Oh, my God, why are
there so many people here?

325
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:20,445
It's a trap.
It's a trap!

326
00:12:20,486 --> 00:12:22,023
We got to get out of here.
Turn around! Turn around!

327
00:12:22,073 --> 00:12:24,559
This is a time of solemnity
and remembrance.

328
00:12:24,799 --> 00:12:28,149
This is not a time
for politi—

329
00:12:28,179 --> 00:12:30,680
Oh, wow.

330
00:12:30,823 --> 00:12:34,464
Leslie Knope is
driving her campaign bus

331
00:12:34,570 --> 00:12:35,938
through a memorial service.

332
00:12:35,980 --> 00:12:37,347
- Back it up!
- Back it up!

333
00:12:37,383 --> 00:12:38,879
- Okay, back up!
- Back it up!

334
00:12:38,898 --> 00:12:40,832
Just when we thought
she couldn't stoop any lower.

335
00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:42,918
Just—oh!

336
00:12:44,245 --> 00:12:45,463
- Oh!
- Aah!

337
00:12:45,506 --> 00:12:47,176
- Uh...
- Go forward!

338
00:12:47,208 --> 00:12:48,909
Go forward!
Go forward!

339
00:12:48,939 --> 00:12:51,041
I feel like
he's dying all over again.

340
00:12:51,803 --> 00:12:53,422
- Stop it!
- Ah!

341
00:12:53,459 --> 00:12:55,398
- Oh.
- Oh, no.

342
00:13:02,567 --> 00:13:06,336
Hi...
Sorry, are we late?

343
00:13:09,806 --> 00:13:12,043
So I—I hate
to bring this up again,

344
00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:14,053
but I just want to make sure
that I'm going to get paid.

345
00:13:14,090 --> 00:13:16,342
It was a handshake agreement
with Mr. Newport.

346
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,546
It was for a lot of money.

347
00:13:17,613 --> 00:13:19,015
Anyway,
you can wire-transfer it.

348
00:13:19,046 --> 00:13:19,865
Sorry for your loss.

349
00:13:19,896 --> 00:13:21,608
I can't believe
you turned this situation

350
00:13:21,628 --> 00:13:23,285
into a political sideshow.

351
00:13:23,319 --> 00:13:24,719
Oh, come on,
you guys were only going

352
00:13:24,768 --> 00:13:26,118
to apologize for the press.

353
00:13:26,157 --> 00:13:28,154
No way, that's not us.
You don't know us at all.

354
00:13:28,190 --> 00:13:29,156
It's rude to say it.

355
00:13:29,224 --> 00:13:30,391
We wouldn't even think it.

356
00:13:30,427 --> 00:13:32,300
Yeah,
that's a ridiculous claim.

357
00:13:32,404 --> 00:13:36,073
We brought a "sorry
for your loss" fruit basket

358
00:13:36,136 --> 00:13:36,804
for Bobby.

359
00:13:36,844 --> 00:13:39,813
And it is very classy.
No melon, no apples.

360
00:13:39,850 --> 00:13:41,601
You were going to use us,

361
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,413
and we just turned
the tables on you.

362
00:13:43,711 --> 00:13:45,042
'Cause I'm smarter and faster.

363
00:13:45,073 --> 00:13:47,608
That is not a judgment.
That's just a fact.

364
00:13:47,851 --> 00:13:50,214
We're both just doing whatever
it takes to win, right?

365
00:13:51,234 --> 00:13:53,290
I love polka dots.
It's so cute.

366
00:13:54,644 --> 00:13:56,487
I'm sorry,
I should have seen this coming.

367
00:13:56,505 --> 00:13:58,434
And we should not
have driven here

368
00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,222
on a bus with your face on it.

369
00:14:00,253 --> 00:14:01,353
No, it's my fault.

370
00:14:01,378 --> 00:14:02,380
And you know what?
Jen is right.

371
00:14:02,433 --> 00:14:03,671
I'm no better than her.

372
00:14:03,731 --> 00:14:05,899
No, Leslie, yes, you are.

373
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,328
All you need to do is
stop the machine for a second

374
00:14:08,378 --> 00:14:10,112
and go apologize to Bobby.

375
00:14:10,230 --> 00:14:12,459
Alone without cameras.

376
00:14:12,765 --> 00:14:15,166
Thanks, Ann, but where was
that advice six hours ago?

377
00:14:15,233 --> 00:14:16,475
That's not going to work.

378
00:14:16,506 --> 00:14:18,041
I had to try.

379
00:14:22,488 --> 00:14:23,482
April.

380
00:14:23,575 --> 00:14:25,376
I just got Champion
his dog food,

381
00:14:25,419 --> 00:14:27,141
cleaned your house,
filed that paperwork—

382
00:14:27,178 --> 00:14:29,410
you're officially
April Ludgate Dwyer,

383
00:14:29,460 --> 00:14:31,593
installed a smoke detector,
and now I'm back.

384
00:14:31,618 --> 00:14:32,520
What's next?

385
00:14:32,551 --> 00:14:33,789
Nothing, Chris.

386
00:14:33,827 --> 00:14:36,297
Just sit down somewhere
and stop bothering me.

387
00:14:36,387 --> 00:14:37,651
I can't.

388
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,374
I've had a very tough year.

389
00:14:40,455 --> 00:14:43,761
I can't stop thinking about
Ann and Millicent.

390
00:14:43,906 --> 00:14:45,463
And if I'm alone
with my thoughts,

391
00:14:45,494 --> 00:14:47,176
I go to a dark place.

392
00:14:47,269 --> 00:14:49,711
Okay, first of all,
dark places are awesome.

393
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,955
Secondly, Ann is kind of lame,
so way to dodge a bullet.

394
00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:56,405
And Millicent is Jerry's
daughter, so two bullets.

395
00:14:56,540 --> 00:15:00,942
And you're not alone.
You've got... lots of friends.

396
00:15:01,290 --> 00:15:02,845
Somewhere.

397
00:15:03,131 --> 00:15:04,998
I assume.

398
00:15:05,846 --> 00:15:07,514
You're going to be just fine.

399
00:15:07,876 --> 00:15:10,854
Thank you.
You're right.

400
00:15:10,986 --> 00:15:13,020
I'll be fine.

401
00:15:13,288 --> 00:15:15,022
I'm not fine.
It didn't work.

402
00:15:21,696 --> 00:15:23,229
Hey, Bobby.

403
00:15:23,534 --> 00:15:25,397
Oh, hi.

404
00:15:25,981 --> 00:15:27,391
Want to play bowling?

405
00:15:27,576 --> 00:15:29,911
Why don't you play
with the real one?

406
00:15:30,442 --> 00:15:33,177
Oh.
I like this one better.

407
00:15:33,408 --> 00:15:35,576
The little guy looks like me.
See?

408
00:15:36,009 --> 00:15:38,177
Hey, can we talk for a second?

409
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,198
Look, I just wanted to say
I'm really sorry your dad died,

410
00:15:41,223 --> 00:15:44,170
and I'm really, really sorry
I called him a jerk.

411
00:15:44,450 --> 00:15:45,963
That's okay.

412
00:15:46,253 --> 00:15:49,054
He was, like,
a million years old.

413
00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:51,417
And he was kind of a jerk.

414
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:54,139
The only reason I did this
campaign was to impress him,

415
00:15:54,171 --> 00:15:56,439
and he couldn't have cared less.

416
00:15:58,356 --> 00:16:01,205
You know, my mom was a great
athlete when she was a kid.

417
00:16:01,232 --> 00:16:04,186
So in junior high,
I joined the track team

418
00:16:04,439 --> 00:16:07,550
to impress her,
even though I hated it.

419
00:16:07,624 --> 00:16:09,090
And at the end of the year,

420
00:16:09,379 --> 00:16:13,515
I ran the 5,000 meters
in this huge track event.

421
00:16:13,583 --> 00:16:17,033
And I finished dead last.

422
00:16:17,399 --> 00:16:20,075
And I thought that she was going
to be really disappointed in me.

423
00:16:20,326 --> 00:16:21,508
But she wasn't.

424
00:16:21,574 --> 00:16:25,309
She ran up to me, and she
wrapped me up in this big hug,

425
00:16:25,332 --> 00:16:28,468
and she told me she had never
been more proud of me.

426
00:16:30,249 --> 00:16:32,864
Thanks, Leslie.
That's a great story.

427
00:16:34,166 --> 00:16:36,169
I'm not 100% sure
I get the point, but—

428
00:16:36,206 --> 00:16:38,677
You finished this race, Bobby.

429
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,876
The campaign is over,
and you finished.

430
00:16:42,638 --> 00:16:44,107
Win or lose,

431
00:16:44,710 --> 00:16:48,062
I bet you anything that
your dad was proud of you.

432
00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:50,726
- Now I get it.
- There you go.

433
00:16:50,779 --> 00:16:53,816
Your mom and my dad
are both dicks.

434
00:16:55,861 --> 00:16:57,600
There's no vans
within 50 miles,

435
00:16:57,624 --> 00:16:58,859
and, for some reason,

436
00:16:58,883 --> 00:17:01,440
no one wants
to lend me $10,000.

437
00:17:01,594 --> 00:17:03,125
Even if we had the dough,

438
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:06,025
that bunco artist would just
demand more, trust me.

439
00:17:07,483 --> 00:17:09,422
Don't move.
Let's just stay here.

440
00:17:09,454 --> 00:17:11,119
For like an hour,
and not let him out.

441
00:17:11,181 --> 00:17:13,483
This isn't right.
Our girl's worked hard.

442
00:17:13,551 --> 00:17:15,051
We're so close.

443
00:17:17,198 --> 00:17:19,348
I know he didn't
just hit my baby!

444
00:17:19,397 --> 00:17:21,492
Hey!
What the hell, guys?

445
00:17:21,613 --> 00:17:22,847
Move!

446
00:17:23,071 --> 00:17:24,204
All right.

447
00:17:24,271 --> 00:17:26,703
Y'all got your seat belts on?

448
00:17:26,918 --> 00:17:28,618
Oh!

449
00:17:30,321 --> 00:17:31,465
Did you see that?

450
00:17:31,507 --> 00:17:33,800
That son of a bitch
just rear-ended me.

451
00:17:33,977 --> 00:17:35,319
Am I dead?

452
00:17:35,412 --> 00:17:36,567
What the hell?

453
00:17:36,987 --> 00:17:39,986
Exactly, Bill.
What the hell?

454
00:17:40,021 --> 00:17:41,255
You just rear-ended me.

455
00:17:41,324 --> 00:17:42,623
That is not what happened.

456
00:17:42,678 --> 00:17:44,678
- But I got witnesses.
- Yeah.

457
00:17:44,725 --> 00:17:46,626
It went down exactly the way
my girl said it did,

458
00:17:46,664 --> 00:17:48,282
you mean, bald man.

459
00:17:48,489 --> 00:17:51,830
Hey, what about you,
Mr. "A man's word is sacred"?

460
00:17:51,868 --> 00:17:54,518
Well, it is, but you're an ass.

461
00:17:54,555 --> 00:17:56,284
So we can settle this now.

462
00:17:56,346 --> 00:17:59,914
I will accept payment
in van rentals.

463
00:18:00,970 --> 00:18:02,182
Gah!

464
00:18:02,223 --> 00:18:03,924
All right,
let's go to the video again.

465
00:18:04,486 --> 00:18:07,105
Sweet kick,
Leslie exits the building,

466
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,854
and then you get hit.

467
00:18:13,729 --> 00:18:15,113
What else do we know?

468
00:18:15,258 --> 00:18:18,584
We know that Leslie was
about 15 feet in front of you,

469
00:18:18,916 --> 00:18:21,204
so clearly the assailant
has terrible aim.

470
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:22,168
Mm-hmm.

471
00:18:22,867 --> 00:18:24,670
Or...

472
00:18:25,807 --> 00:18:27,541
Leslie wasn't the target.

473
00:18:27,658 --> 00:18:29,526
Well, who then?

474
00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:33,045
Okay, that's permanent marker.

475
00:18:33,087 --> 00:18:34,700
Go find Ben,

476
00:18:34,737 --> 00:18:36,323
get a list of everyone
he's ever fired.

477
00:18:36,368 --> 00:18:37,976
Go, go!

478
00:18:38,889 --> 00:18:42,392
Macklin, you son of a bitch.

479
00:18:43,668 --> 00:18:44,968
A lot of people
have been asking me

480
00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:47,325
how I feel about everything
that's happened today.

481
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:48,949
Well, let me tell you
a little story.

482
00:18:49,017 --> 00:18:52,616
My dad was this amazing athlete
when he was a kid.

483
00:18:52,728 --> 00:18:55,725
When I was in junior high,
I started doing track

484
00:18:55,819 --> 00:18:57,328
just to impress him...

485
00:18:57,489 --> 00:18:58,657
Even though I hated it.

486
00:18:58,745 --> 00:19:02,414
At the end of the year,
I entered the 5,000 meters.

487
00:19:03,126 --> 00:19:06,186
And I won.
It was awesome.

488
00:19:06,269 --> 00:19:10,716
My dad wrapped me in a big hug,
said he was proud of me.

489
00:19:10,772 --> 00:19:13,663
That's just a great story that
happened between me and my dad

490
00:19:13,681 --> 00:19:14,614
and nobody else.

491
00:19:14,641 --> 00:19:15,808
Oh, we're dead.

492
00:19:15,842 --> 00:19:17,237
- It's over.
- That's my story.

493
00:19:17,274 --> 00:19:20,210
Before I go, I want to
bring up a special guest.

494
00:19:20,364 --> 00:19:23,672
Somebody who's been very
supportive and mega cool today.

495
00:19:23,761 --> 00:19:25,929
Leslie Knope.
Will you come up here?

496
00:19:25,996 --> 00:19:27,677
- What?
- Come on, come up here.

497
00:19:27,721 --> 00:19:28,977
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Do—

498
00:19:29,008 --> 00:19:31,342
You know, Leslie's been
getting a lot of heat today,

499
00:19:31,369 --> 00:19:34,764
but I want you all to know that
we talked person-to-person,

500
00:19:34,789 --> 00:19:36,523
and she's really great.

501
00:19:36,673 --> 00:19:39,092
People should stop being
so mean to her.

502
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:41,879
In fact, if you don't vote
for me tomorrow,

503
00:19:41,934 --> 00:19:43,415
you should vote for her,

504
00:19:43,446 --> 00:19:46,336
because she's super,
super awesome lady.

505
00:19:46,396 --> 00:19:49,231
Leslie, we did it!
Yeah!

506
00:19:51,161 --> 00:19:53,294
Maybe we're not dead.

507
00:19:54,654 --> 00:19:56,173
Chris, right?

508
00:19:56,234 --> 00:19:57,498
Hi, I'm Jen.

509
00:19:57,517 --> 00:19:58,329
Hello.

510
00:19:58,353 --> 00:20:01,260
You know, there are
30 bedrooms in this house.

511
00:20:01,744 --> 00:20:04,205
Bobby's in one,
there's a dead guy in another,

512
00:20:04,261 --> 00:20:06,028
the rest are free.

513
00:20:06,621 --> 00:20:08,528
What do you say?

514
00:20:09,290 --> 00:20:12,283
Oh!
That is very flattering.

515
00:20:12,406 --> 00:20:15,441
But you're the opposition
campaign manager.

516
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,390
I—I couldn't do that to Leslie.

517
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:18,606
Oh, for God's sake, Chris.

518
00:20:18,630 --> 00:20:21,880
This campaign is over.
My job is done and so is yours.

519
00:20:21,909 --> 00:20:23,510
It's just sex.

520
00:20:24,878 --> 00:20:27,045
I'm very good at it.

521
00:20:27,219 --> 00:20:28,152
- Okay.
- Great!

522
00:20:28,202 --> 00:20:29,402
Let's do it.

523
00:20:30,651 --> 00:20:32,131
Haven't got all day, honey.

524
00:20:36,925 --> 00:20:38,659
Sewage Joe.

525
00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:40,600
Ben Wyatt fired you
for sending pictures

526
00:20:40,619 --> 00:20:41,900
of your penis to everyone,

527
00:20:41,943 --> 00:20:43,918
and you've come here
to "pie" him.

528
00:20:43,980 --> 00:20:45,280
Little twerp has it coming.

529
00:20:45,335 --> 00:20:46,693
Oh, dude, I dare you.

530
00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:48,467
Please.

531
00:20:48,502 --> 00:20:50,800
Give me one reason
to take you down.

532
00:20:50,987 --> 00:20:53,050
I would love nothing more—

533
00:20:53,087 --> 00:20:55,264
Oh,
Ben, sorry.

534
00:20:55,308 --> 00:20:56,746
All right, let's go.

535
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,202
Oh, I did it!

536
00:21:00,056 --> 00:21:02,632
Yeah.
Great job.

537
00:21:02,738 --> 00:21:08,138
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