1
00:00:02,467 --> 00:00:05,332
"Hey Ben, just a few things
to remind you of home."

2
00:00:05,366 --> 00:00:06,365
"Love, Leslie."

3
00:00:06,383 --> 00:00:08,166
Ah, Waffle Mix.

4
00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:09,865
JJ's diner mug.

5
00:00:09,883 --> 00:00:11,832
New pajamas.

6
00:00:11,866 --> 00:00:13,999
Wow, there's a lot
of stuff in here.

7
00:00:14,033 --> 00:00:16,748
"Box 1 of 12"?

8
00:00:17,299 --> 00:00:19,365
"April, here's something
to help you remember

9
00:00:19,383 --> 00:00:21,382
our three-legged dog
champion."

10
00:00:21,417 --> 00:00:22,532
Ah, that's cute.

11
00:00:22,550 --> 00:00:24,032
"Also, you are way better
at laundry.

12
00:00:24,050 --> 00:00:26,532
"Can you please do mine
and send it back to me?

13
00:00:26,550 --> 00:00:29,299
Thanks. Love you.
Mouse Rat rules. Love, Andy."

14
00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:30,382
Less cute.

15
00:00:30,417 --> 00:00:31,633
"P.S. Please hurry.

16
00:00:31,666 --> 00:00:33,332
"I've been wearing
a bandana as underwear

17
00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:34,332
for three days now."

18
00:00:34,366 --> 00:00:35,999
Look, there's a picture.

19
00:00:36,033 --> 00:00:38,798
Ah!
That's horrifying.

20
00:00:41,517 --> 00:00:43,849
I love him so much.

21
00:00:46,883 --> 00:00:51,479
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

22
00:01:04,050 --> 00:01:06,266
Okay, so do you have
the results of the study?

23
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,682
Yes, and they're great.

24
00:01:07,716 --> 00:01:09,182
Your tax on soda

25
00:01:09,217 --> 00:01:11,299
would definitely
lower diabetes in this town.

26
00:01:11,333 --> 00:01:13,665
Oh, and I have a great prop
for the meeting.

27
00:01:13,683 --> 00:01:15,099
This is the amount of sugar

28
00:01:15,133 --> 00:01:17,099
that the average Pawnee
10-year-old consumes,

29
00:01:17,133 --> 00:01:19,299
from soda, every month.

30
00:01:19,333 --> 00:01:20,682
- That is gross.
- It's gross.

31
00:01:20,716 --> 00:01:22,499
- All that sugar?
- It's really gross.

32
00:01:22,517 --> 00:01:24,299
- What a powerful image.
- What are you doing?

33
00:01:24,333 --> 00:01:25,516
What did you put in the sugar?
It's so good.

34
00:01:25,550 --> 00:01:27,516
My first act
as a city councilwoman...

35
00:01:27,550 --> 00:01:30,632
I've proposed a tax on
all those giant sugary sodas

36
00:01:30,666 --> 00:01:32,698
so we can discourage people
from drinking them.

37
00:01:32,733 --> 00:01:34,099
I believe, with my help,

38
00:01:34,133 --> 00:01:35,998
all local restaurants
can get healthier...

39
00:01:36,016 --> 00:01:38,682
Paunch Burger, Big and Wide,
The Fat Sack,

40
00:01:38,716 --> 00:01:40,432
Coronel Plum's Slop Trough...

41
00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:42,632
which was formerly
Sue's Salads

42
00:01:42,666 --> 00:01:45,165
until we ran that
out of town.

43
00:01:46,166 --> 00:01:47,499
Ah, councilwoman.

44
00:01:47,517 --> 00:01:49,266
In honor of
your never-ending quest

45
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:50,998
to personally babysit

46
00:01:51,016 --> 00:01:52,549
each and every
American citizen,

47
00:01:52,599 --> 00:01:55,266
I went to Paunch Burger
and got myself a Number two...

48
00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:58,332
Double Bacon Grenade Deluxe,
hash browns,

49
00:01:58,350 --> 00:02:00,665
chili cheese fries,
and one poached egg.

50
00:02:00,683 --> 00:02:02,665
Ugh!
Number two is right.

51
00:02:02,683 --> 00:02:05,682
I also picked up a 64-ounce
Sweetums Sugar Splash.

52
00:02:05,716 --> 00:02:07,516
Damn it, I love this country
so much.

53
00:02:07,549 --> 00:02:10,015
Ron, I'm really glad
that you're here.

54
00:02:10,050 --> 00:02:11,998
Our political differences
aside,

55
00:02:12,016 --> 00:02:14,165
I am about to go to
my first committee meeting

56
00:02:14,183 --> 00:02:17,632
as a city councilwoman.

57
00:02:17,666 --> 00:02:19,132
There's something
I need to say to you.

58
00:02:19,166 --> 00:02:20,349
Please don't.

59
00:02:20,383 --> 00:02:22,099
I know you hate
feelings and emotions,

60
00:02:22,133 --> 00:02:24,182
but I would not be where I am
if it wasn't for you.

61
00:02:24,217 --> 00:02:26,998
You hired me.
You've always supported me.

62
00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:28,466
How can I ever repay you?

63
00:02:29,966 --> 00:02:31,132
Get me a refill.

64
00:02:33,716 --> 00:02:35,299
Hey, everybody.

65
00:02:35,333 --> 00:02:37,015
So, I've been going
over your reports.

66
00:02:37,050 --> 00:02:41,099
Let's try to be consistent
with our fonts, guys, okay?

67
00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:42,515
There's a crazy amount

68
00:02:42,549 --> 00:02:45,165
of random font differences
in these memos.

69
00:02:45,183 --> 00:02:48,332
Yeah, people.
Consistent font usage. Come on.

70
00:02:48,350 --> 00:02:51,015
Times New Roman,
across the board.

71
00:02:51,050 --> 00:02:54,598
No Geneva, no Garamond,
definitely no Papyrus.

72
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,099
Papyrus?
Are you kidding me?

73
00:02:56,133 --> 00:02:58,665
There's no place for that in
a professional office setting.

74
00:02:58,683 --> 00:03:00,099
Yes!
Thank you, April.

75
00:03:00,133 --> 00:03:04,349
These college interns really
need to be whipped into shape,

76
00:03:04,383 --> 00:03:07,132
but don't worry, because
they call me Devo,

77
00:03:07,166 --> 00:03:09,432
'cause I can
"whip 'em good."

78
00:03:11,350 --> 00:03:14,665
And obviously make sure
the content's perfect too.

79
00:03:14,683 --> 00:03:17,332
Oh, and, uh, 12 point.

80
00:03:17,350 --> 00:03:20,632
13's just obnoxious.
Great meeting.

81
00:03:20,666 --> 00:03:22,515
Out of the way, people.

82
00:03:22,549 --> 00:03:24,182
Motivational brigade
coming through.

83
00:03:24,217 --> 00:03:25,998
Ho ho!

84
00:03:26,016 --> 00:03:28,831
So, you boys are gonna go
work out together, huh?

85
00:03:28,850 --> 00:03:31,965
Nice. Whereabouts?
Community college.

86
00:03:31,999 --> 00:03:33,132
Eh, that's too far.

87
00:03:33,166 --> 00:03:35,132
Chris and Tom offered
to help me train

88
00:03:35,166 --> 00:03:36,798
to become a police officer.

89
00:03:36,832 --> 00:03:39,998
The physical exam is
about three months away

90
00:03:40,016 --> 00:03:47,099
and I am in terrible shape,
but I can already do this...

91
00:03:47,133 --> 00:03:49,765
So, I'm getting there.

92
00:03:49,799 --> 00:03:50,882
So, I've got
a list of everything

93
00:03:50,933 --> 00:03:52,132
that I'm supposed to
be able to do

94
00:03:52,166 --> 00:03:54,015
to get into the police academy,
and number one is,

95
00:03:54,050 --> 00:03:57,165
"be able to run 2 miles
in under 25 minutes."

96
00:03:57,183 --> 00:03:58,349
That's a typo, right?

97
00:03:58,383 --> 00:03:59,632
I mean,
that's humanly impossible.

98
00:03:59,666 --> 00:04:02,431
When you are able to focus
your mind and your body,

99
00:04:02,466 --> 00:04:04,099
anything is possible.

100
00:04:04,133 --> 00:04:07,765
Anything is possible!

101
00:04:07,799 --> 00:04:09,632
Ms. Pinewood,

102
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,299
recently, many of
the local restaurants

103
00:04:11,333 --> 00:04:14,216
have changed their
"small-size" option

104
00:04:14,267 --> 00:04:17,099
to a whopping 64-ounces.

105
00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:19,548
That's correct, and it's
great for the consumer.

106
00:04:19,599 --> 00:04:20,998
More bang for the buck.

107
00:04:21,016 --> 00:04:23,099
Are we putting bargains
on trial here?

108
00:04:23,133 --> 00:04:25,498
How could any sane person
call that "small"?

109
00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:27,598
Well, if the customer
truly wants a smaller size,

110
00:04:27,633 --> 00:04:28,765
there is an option.

111
00:04:28,799 --> 00:04:31,632
Oh, do you mean
the "li'I swallow"?

112
00:04:31,666 --> 00:04:33,349
Does anybody buy that?

113
00:04:33,383 --> 00:04:34,765
Some girls buy them
for their dollhouses,

114
00:04:34,799 --> 00:04:36,548
but they're not
very popular.

115
00:04:36,599 --> 00:04:38,049
I mean, for only
a nickel more,

116
00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:39,765
you get 64 ounces.

117
00:04:40,299 --> 00:04:43,665
Well, uh, Paunch Burger
just recently came out

118
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:47,965
with a new 128-ounce option.

119
00:04:47,999 --> 00:04:50,349
Most people call it
a gallon,

120
00:04:50,382 --> 00:04:51,682
but they call it
the "regular."

121
00:04:51,716 --> 00:04:55,715
Then, there is a horrifying
512-ounce version

122
00:04:55,766 --> 00:04:58,465
that the call "child size."

123
00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:01,266
How is this
a "child-size soda"?

124
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,015
Well, it's roughly the size
of a two-year-old child,

125
00:05:04,050 --> 00:05:05,515
if the child were liquefied.

126
00:05:05,549 --> 00:05:07,932
It's a real bargain
at $1.59.

127
00:05:07,966 --> 00:05:09,182
I'm sorry, Ms. Pinewood,

128
00:05:09,217 --> 00:05:10,932
but why would anybody
need this much soda?

129
00:05:10,966 --> 00:05:13,099
It's not my place to speak
for the consumer,

130
00:05:13,133 --> 00:05:16,349
but everyone should buy it.

131
00:05:16,382 --> 00:05:18,431
Come on, Andy, come on.
You can do it.

132
00:05:18,466 --> 00:05:19,765
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go.

133
00:05:19,799 --> 00:05:21,831
Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig,
dig, dig, dig, dig.

134
00:05:21,850 --> 00:05:23,165
- Aah!
- Yes!

135
00:05:23,183 --> 00:05:24,515
Oh, my God.

136
00:05:24,549 --> 00:05:27,431
It's so hot.
It was horrible.

137
00:05:27,466 --> 00:05:30,632
Oh, I'm going to die.
I'm so tired.

138
00:05:30,666 --> 00:05:33,348
Everything hurts.

139
00:05:33,382 --> 00:05:35,665
Running is impossible.

140
00:05:36,183 --> 00:05:37,431
What are you doing?

141
00:05:37,466 --> 00:05:39,715
Tom, now is not the time
for criticism.

142
00:05:39,766 --> 00:05:41,165
How did he do?

143
00:05:41,183 --> 00:05:44,266
Andy finished his two-mile run
in 29 minutes and 43 seconds.

144
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:47,882
No! I'm never
gonna be a cop.

145
00:05:47,933 --> 00:05:49,515
I'm gonna have to be
a robber.

146
00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:50,998
Oh, come on.
Hang in there, pal.

147
00:05:51,016 --> 00:05:52,598
I'm gonna drive around.

148
00:05:53,632 --> 00:05:56,498
Andy, I'm proud of you.

149
00:05:56,516 --> 00:05:58,831
Not because of what you did,
which was terrible,

150
00:05:58,850 --> 00:06:01,715
but because of what I'm going to
be able to get you to do.

151
00:06:01,766 --> 00:06:03,182
I guess I'm proud of me.

152
00:06:03,217 --> 00:06:04,348
Thanks, man.
Me too.

153
00:06:05,381 --> 00:06:06,831
We have so much work to do.

154
00:06:06,850 --> 00:06:08,431
Oh, hey, Ellis,

155
00:06:08,466 --> 00:06:09,998
have you put the campaign
pictures up on the website?

156
00:06:10,016 --> 00:06:13,932
Oh. Yeah.
I started doing them.

157
00:06:13,966 --> 00:06:17,315
And are you going to
finish doing them?

158
00:06:17,349 --> 00:06:20,465
Oh.
Later, man.

159
00:06:26,832 --> 00:06:28,882
I actually think
you look really good,

160
00:06:28,933 --> 00:06:31,682
except for the stick
up your butt.

161
00:06:31,716 --> 00:06:33,099
Who do you think drew it?

162
00:06:33,133 --> 00:06:35,099
Was it Nathaniel?
Ellis?

163
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:37,049
Man, I feel like
these interns

164
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:39,798
do not respect
or like me at all.

165
00:06:39,832 --> 00:06:41,798
Honestly, you could
loosen up a bit

166
00:06:41,832 --> 00:06:43,049
on the font stuff.

167
00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:45,998
And everything in general.

168
00:06:46,016 --> 00:06:47,798
God, this is insane.
They're interns.

169
00:06:47,832 --> 00:06:50,682
They're totally replaceable,
and I'm their boss.

170
00:06:50,716 --> 00:06:53,099
Just fire them.

171
00:06:53,133 --> 00:06:54,798
Uh, hey, Jen.

172
00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:57,165
Listen, I'm having a problem
with some of the interns.

173
00:06:57,183 --> 00:06:59,132
I'm thinking of
making some changes.

174
00:06:59,166 --> 00:07:01,265
Yeah.

175
00:07:01,299 --> 00:07:04,798
Turns out Ellis is
Congressman Murray's nephew.

176
00:07:04,832 --> 00:07:08,015
Nathaniel is related
to Donald Rumsfeld.

177
00:07:08,050 --> 00:07:10,165
Brittany's dad is
Ben Bernanke's dentist.

178
00:07:10,183 --> 00:07:12,099
Every single one
of these little twerps

179
00:07:12,133 --> 00:07:13,665
is seriously connected.

180
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:15,182
So, new plan.

181
00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:17,831
Instead of firing them,

182
00:07:17,850 --> 00:07:21,331
I am going to kiss
their asses like crazy.

183
00:07:22,348 --> 00:07:24,682
Ms. Knope, this is about
consumer rights,

184
00:07:24,716 --> 00:07:27,099
and if they don't want to
drink our delicious sodas,

185
00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:30,331
we do provide healthier
options, like water zero.

186
00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:32,682
Oh, yes. Let's talk
about water zero.

187
00:07:32,716 --> 00:07:35,331
The name implies that
there are zero calories,

188
00:07:35,349 --> 00:07:37,831
like most water,
but in fact,

189
00:07:37,850 --> 00:07:40,015
it has 300 calories
per serving.

190
00:07:40,050 --> 00:07:42,015
Isn't that misleading?

191
00:07:42,050 --> 00:07:43,165
The zero on the label

192
00:07:43,183 --> 00:07:44,498
refers to the amount
of water in it,

193
00:07:44,516 --> 00:07:45,632
which is zero.

194
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:48,465
If you want
zero-calorie water,

195
00:07:48,499 --> 00:07:50,265
try diet water zero lite.

196
00:07:50,299 --> 00:07:51,831
It has only 60 calories.

197
00:07:51,850 --> 00:07:53,182
Okay, I think
we're done here.

198
00:07:53,216 --> 00:07:54,331
Thank you so much.

199
00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:56,831
Oh, councilwoman,
one more thing.

200
00:07:56,850 --> 00:07:59,015
If your tax bill passes,

201
00:07:59,050 --> 00:08:01,015
local restaurants
will hurt badly.

202
00:08:01,050 --> 00:08:03,298
We'll have to lay off
about 100 people.

203
00:08:03,332 --> 00:08:05,849
You're bluffing.
She's bluffing.

204
00:08:06,382 --> 00:08:07,515
Are you bluffing?

205
00:08:07,549 --> 00:08:09,431
The second
your tax bill passes,

206
00:08:09,466 --> 00:08:13,331
this press release
goes wide.

207
00:08:13,349 --> 00:08:14,932
See you at the meeting.

208
00:08:14,966 --> 00:08:19,298
"Leslie Knope Soda Tax
Forces Massive Layoffs."

209
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,798
Oh, my God, Ann.
I need some sugar.

210
00:08:20,832 --> 00:08:22,331
No, no. No, no, no!
Stop it!

211
00:08:22,349 --> 00:08:23,998
Leslie, you stop it
right now!

212
00:08:26,759 --> 00:08:28,057
Okay, let's get started.

213
00:08:28,058 --> 00:08:29,141
I proposed this bill,

214
00:08:29,174 --> 00:08:30,857
but the issue has become
very complicated,

215
00:08:30,891 --> 00:08:33,091
so before I decide how
I am going to vote,

216
00:08:33,291 --> 00:08:34,740
I'd love to hear
from both sides.

217
00:08:34,791 --> 00:08:35,857
Who'd like to start?
Yes.

218
00:08:35,875 --> 00:08:37,523
Yeah, I work
at Colonel Plump's,

219
00:08:37,541 --> 00:08:39,040
and word around
the Slop Trough is,

220
00:08:39,075 --> 00:08:40,407
they're talking about
laying people off.

221
00:08:40,458 --> 00:08:42,407
So, maybe you could get off
your high horse

222
00:08:42,458 --> 00:08:43,490
and help me keep my job.

223
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:44,490
- Yeah!
- Yeah!

224
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,690
Well, sir, I may vote
against the tax,

225
00:08:46,724 --> 00:08:48,874
because, frankly, I don't
take job losses lightly.

226
00:08:48,908 --> 00:08:50,290
No. I want the tax.

227
00:08:50,324 --> 00:08:52,373
My husband started drinking
those giant sodas,

228
00:08:52,408 --> 00:08:54,690
and he's gained 100 pounds
in three months.

229
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,707
Consequently, we haven't
had sex in ten years.

230
00:08:56,741 --> 00:08:58,323
I-I thought you said

231
00:08:58,357 --> 00:08:59,623
he gained weight
in the last three months.

232
00:08:59,658 --> 00:09:01,040
Well, we have lots
of other problems.

233
00:09:01,075 --> 00:09:03,156
Well, ma'am,
my original stance

234
00:09:03,190 --> 00:09:04,707
was that implementing
this tax

235
00:09:04,741 --> 00:09:06,156
would be good
for public health.

236
00:09:06,190 --> 00:09:08,707
All taxation is theft!

237
00:09:08,741 --> 00:09:10,156
If the government
can tax me,

238
00:09:10,190 --> 00:09:12,023
I-I can... I can do this.

239
00:09:12,041 --> 00:09:14,040
Grover, give that woman
her purse back.

240
00:09:14,824 --> 00:09:16,856
There's a lot of
pill bottles in here.

241
00:09:16,874 --> 00:09:17,990
Okay.

242
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:21,023
Been making some modifications
to the pace car.

243
00:09:21,041 --> 00:09:25,123
Speaker system, Mad Men bar,
iPad dock, and bam!

244
00:09:25,157 --> 00:09:26,490
Orange racing stripe.

245
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,623
It's a perfect recreation
of Han lue's Nissan

246
00:09:28,658 --> 00:09:30,874
in The Fast And The Furious:
Tokyo Drift.

247
00:09:30,908 --> 00:09:34,290
Weirdly, so far,
no one has noticed.

248
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:37,657
I want to find something
that really motivates you.

249
00:09:37,691 --> 00:09:39,957
Why do you want to achieve
this goal?

250
00:09:39,991 --> 00:09:41,857
I just want to get
a good job for me and April.

251
00:09:41,875 --> 00:09:44,407
- Yes! Keep going. Dig.
- Okay, yeah.

252
00:09:44,458 --> 00:09:47,957
Uh, I love April.
I think she's awesome.

253
00:09:47,991 --> 00:09:49,707
She's all I care about
in the whole world.

254
00:09:49,741 --> 00:09:52,074
Yes. Love and family.

255
00:09:52,124 --> 00:09:53,490
What else is there,
really?

256
00:09:53,524 --> 00:09:55,206
Nothing at all.

257
00:09:55,241 --> 00:09:57,189
I exercise because,
when I was a baby,

258
00:09:57,207 --> 00:09:58,490
I had
a rare blood disorder,

259
00:09:58,524 --> 00:10:00,040
and I suppose
I need to feel

260
00:10:00,074 --> 00:10:01,539
like my body's
in tip-top shape...

261
00:10:01,574 --> 00:10:02,824
Ah.

262
00:10:02,858 --> 00:10:06,490
So it doesn't destroy me,
leaving me to die alone.

263
00:10:06,524 --> 00:10:08,907
Great. You got yours,
I got mine.

264
00:10:08,958 --> 00:10:12,206
I'm gonna go run
till I puke. Let's go.

265
00:10:12,241 --> 00:10:14,356
Guess what's in these boxes,
everybody?

266
00:10:14,374 --> 00:10:18,573
What? Pizza.
That's right.

267
00:10:18,624 --> 00:10:21,123
Everybody chill out.
Take a pizza break on me.

268
00:10:21,157 --> 00:10:25,523
Ellis, what's up, my male?
You grab a slice of 'za, brah.

269
00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:27,040
All right.

270
00:10:27,074 --> 00:10:29,123
Hey, dude,
do you play Ultimate?

271
00:10:29,157 --> 00:10:30,457
Yeah, I play intramural
at Georgetown.

272
00:10:30,491 --> 00:10:33,323
Dude, so did I,
in college.

273
00:10:33,357 --> 00:10:34,990
Whoa, you guys
should get married.

274
00:10:35,024 --> 00:10:37,356
We should play tomorrow
morning in the park.

275
00:10:37,374 --> 00:10:41,023
- What about the website?
- Whatever.

276
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,657
You can put those pics up
anytime.

277
00:10:42,691 --> 00:10:44,540
We should lock down
some tight disc grabs,

278
00:10:44,574 --> 00:10:45,540
am I right, ell-bones?

279
00:10:45,574 --> 00:10:47,356
- Yeah, it sounds good.
- Yeah?

280
00:10:47,374 --> 00:10:48,907
It's better than working.

281
00:10:48,958 --> 00:10:50,290
No doubt, no doubt.

282
00:10:50,324 --> 00:10:51,957
All right, listen up,
pizza lovers.

283
00:10:51,991 --> 00:10:57,039
Tomorrow morning, pre-work
Ultimate in the park.

284
00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,990
Everybody's invited.
What do you say?

285
00:10:59,023 --> 00:11:01,356
Let's do it to it,
my dudes.

286
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,657
Okay, anyone else?

287
00:11:04,691 --> 00:11:06,540
Yeah, if we put
a tax on soda,

288
00:11:06,574 --> 00:11:08,206
I mean, what's next,
income?

289
00:11:08,241 --> 00:11:10,039
Sir, you don't pay
your income tax?

290
00:11:10,074 --> 00:11:11,657
Whether or not
I pay income tax

291
00:11:11,691 --> 00:11:13,206
is none of
the government's business.

292
00:11:13,241 --> 00:11:15,874
Oh, well, no,
actually, it is.

293
00:11:15,908 --> 00:11:17,540
Well, you don't know my name
or what I look like,

294
00:11:17,574 --> 00:11:18,989
so good luck finding me.

295
00:11:19,023 --> 00:11:22,022
I think we should tax
all bad things,

296
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:26,290
like racism
and women's vaginae.

297
00:11:26,324 --> 00:11:28,039
We're not taxing
anyone's genitals.

298
00:11:28,074 --> 00:11:30,022
Then what the hell
are we doing here?

299
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,039
Come on, boys.

300
00:11:33,741 --> 00:11:36,457
Okay, um, let's take
a quick straw poll.

301
00:11:36,491 --> 00:11:39,707
Hold up green if you agree
and red if you disagree. Ann?

302
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:43,373
"The soda tax is good and will
help people get healthier."

303
00:11:43,408 --> 00:11:45,123
- So, about half?
- Half.

304
00:11:45,157 --> 00:11:49,052
Okay, "the soda tax is bad
and unfair to consumers."

305
00:11:49,053 --> 00:11:50,323
Half and half.

306
00:11:50,324 --> 00:11:51,956
Thank you very much.
This is very confusing.

307
00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:52,989
I've got an idea.

308
00:11:53,023 --> 00:11:54,623
Maybe instead of me
losing my job,

309
00:11:54,658 --> 00:11:56,156
you ought to lose your job.

310
00:11:56,190 --> 00:11:58,022
Let's recall Leslie Knope.

311
00:12:02,541 --> 00:12:06,022
Let's do this!

312
00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:07,189
Nice catch!

313
00:12:07,207 --> 00:12:09,690
Someone please tell me
we kodaked that moment.

314
00:12:09,708 --> 00:12:11,874
Yeah,
rocked that scoober!

315
00:12:12,907 --> 00:12:16,156
Whoa! You got it, Howie!

316
00:12:16,190 --> 00:12:17,623
All right, April,
what's the score?

317
00:12:17,658 --> 00:12:19,657
1,000 to 7.

318
00:12:19,691 --> 00:12:21,956
Good sportsmanship, bro.

319
00:12:21,990 --> 00:12:23,323
Sorry.

320
00:12:23,357 --> 00:12:24,907
- Andy, repeat after me.
- Okay.

321
00:12:24,957 --> 00:12:26,623
- "I run for April."
- I run for April.

322
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:28,690
Run for your wife, son!

323
00:12:28,708 --> 00:12:30,523
- "I run for love."
- I run for love.

324
00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:31,956
Playaz, at your marks.

325
00:12:31,990 --> 00:12:33,206
What do you run for again,
Chris?

326
00:12:33,241 --> 00:12:36,356
Nobody. Nothing.
Does it really even matter?

327
00:12:36,374 --> 00:12:39,707
Get set.
Get at me!

328
00:12:40,990 --> 00:12:42,022
Whoa!

329
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:43,373
Oh, hey, you okay?

330
00:12:43,408 --> 00:12:45,690
No. There's something
wrong with my body.

331
00:12:45,708 --> 00:12:48,290
- What?
- My legs aren't working.

332
00:12:48,324 --> 00:12:49,857
I'm broken.

333
00:12:49,875 --> 00:12:52,356
I need to go to the hospital
and see a doctor right away.

334
00:12:52,374 --> 00:12:53,490
Hey.

335
00:12:53,524 --> 00:12:55,707
- Yikes. You look weird.
- So do you.

336
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,022
That's a lie.
You always look beautiful.

337
00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,740
Okay, well, I couldn't sleep
a wink last night,

338
00:12:59,791 --> 00:13:00,857
so at 5:00 in the morning,

339
00:13:00,875 --> 00:13:02,490
I went to Paunch Burger
for a pick-me-up.

340
00:13:02,524 --> 00:13:04,206
I couldn't decide
what kind of soda I wanted,

341
00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:05,690
so I had them put all six
in one cup.

342
00:13:05,708 --> 00:13:06,690
You know what it tastes like?

343
00:13:06,708 --> 00:13:08,189
- Disgusting?
- Mm-hmm.

344
00:13:08,207 --> 00:13:09,956
- How are you gonna vote?
- I don't know.

345
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:12,073
If I vote for the tax,
then I might lose my job,

346
00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:13,123
and if I vote against it,

347
00:13:13,157 --> 00:13:14,690
I might be betraying
my own bill.

348
00:13:14,708 --> 00:13:17,740
It's like I'm floating in
this giant river of ambiguity.

349
00:13:17,791 --> 00:13:20,290
I'm under a warm waterfall
of uncertainty.

350
00:13:20,324 --> 00:13:21,707
Do you just have to pee
real bad?

351
00:13:21,741 --> 00:13:23,290
- Yes.
- Yeah.

352
00:13:23,324 --> 00:13:25,206
I've lost
all of my instincts.

353
00:13:25,241 --> 00:13:27,290
I'm lost. I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

354
00:13:27,324 --> 00:13:29,206
I'm just gonna have to wait,
and when they call my name,

355
00:13:29,241 --> 00:13:31,707
I'll do what my gut
tells me to do.

356
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,323
- Councilman Howser?
- Aye.

357
00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:37,022
Councilman Howser
votes aye.

358
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:40,123
Councilwoman Knope,
how do you vote?

359
00:13:42,324 --> 00:13:43,790
Oh, no.

360
00:13:49,324 --> 00:13:50,707
Uhh!

361
00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:55,824
Gentlemen, it appears
that I have fallen ill.

362
00:13:55,857 --> 00:13:59,490
Mayhaps, might I suggest
that we have are... aah!

363
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:02,407
Can we take a recess?

364
00:14:04,795 --> 00:14:06,092
Well. Your pulse is super-fast,

365
00:14:06,093 --> 00:14:08,258
but that wouldn't be out of
line for someone who drank

366
00:14:08,293 --> 00:14:10,625
and then barfed up
a gallon of sugar water.

367
00:14:10,659 --> 00:14:12,091
Wow, I'm a mess.

368
00:14:12,126 --> 00:14:13,875
Everything's upside-down,
you know?

369
00:14:13,926 --> 00:14:15,658
I mean, when I used to
just work here,

370
00:14:15,676 --> 00:14:17,208
I was always
so sure of myself.

371
00:14:17,259 --> 00:14:18,824
Now everything is different.

372
00:14:18,842 --> 00:14:21,958
Jeez. Do you guys know
how to dissolve super glue?

373
00:14:22,492 --> 00:14:24,091
Well, not everything's
different, right?

374
00:14:27,459 --> 00:14:28,509
Right.

375
00:14:28,793 --> 00:14:30,625
Hey, Ellis.

376
00:14:30,660 --> 00:14:37,575
Ell-bow. Ell-chupacabra.
Drinkin' coffee.

377
00:14:37,959 --> 00:14:41,525
- What?
- Oh, it's... it's a...

378
00:14:41,559 --> 00:14:43,791
it's from 40 years ago.
Never mind.

379
00:14:43,825 --> 00:14:47,108
Hey, that was really fun
this morning, huh?

380
00:14:47,142 --> 00:14:48,108
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

381
00:14:48,142 --> 00:14:49,208
Yeah, totally.

382
00:14:49,293 --> 00:14:53,125
- Uh...
- Oh, wow, look at that.

383
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:56,091
Did you draw that?

384
00:14:56,126 --> 00:14:58,008
- Uh, no, I didn't.
- No, no, no, no, no.

385
00:14:58,042 --> 00:14:59,458
It's really good.

386
00:14:59,492 --> 00:15:02,991
I mean, you're a...
you're a great artist.

387
00:15:03,009 --> 00:15:04,258
Oh, I can't do this.

388
00:15:04,293 --> 00:15:07,759
Look, I don't care
who you're related to.

389
00:15:07,792 --> 00:15:10,325
I'm your boss, and you can't
keep disrespecting me like this.

390
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:14,824
Hey, man, I didn't draw it.
Your daughter did.

391
00:15:14,842 --> 00:15:17,791
- What?
- Her.

392
00:15:17,825 --> 00:15:20,158
April's not my daughter.
She's my friend.

393
00:15:20,176 --> 00:15:23,258
Does everyone think
she's my daughter? Whatever.

394
00:15:23,293 --> 00:15:26,758
The point is, she would
never do that to me.

395
00:15:27,592 --> 00:15:28,758
Sorry, Dad.

396
00:15:34,510 --> 00:15:37,791
Ron, my rock,
my steady, guiding light.

397
00:15:37,825 --> 00:15:39,592
O Captain, my Captain.

398
00:15:39,626 --> 00:15:41,958
Did you get that soda refill
I asked for?

399
00:15:41,992 --> 00:15:43,375
I need you, Ron, okay?
I'm in big trouble.

400
00:15:43,426 --> 00:15:45,158
I need to go back to
those chambers in 20 minutes,

401
00:15:45,176 --> 00:15:46,375
and I have to cast a vote,

402
00:15:46,426 --> 00:15:47,592
and I don't know what
I'm gonna do.

403
00:15:47,626 --> 00:15:48,791
I'm sure
you'll figure it out.

404
00:15:48,825 --> 00:15:50,542
Ron, the people
at the public forum

405
00:15:50,593 --> 00:15:51,841
said they might
want to fire me.

406
00:15:51,876 --> 00:15:53,458
So what?
I've tried to fire you.

407
00:15:55,459 --> 00:15:57,091
Okay, Ron, come on.
Be serious.

408
00:15:57,126 --> 00:15:59,791
I was not joking.

409
00:15:59,825 --> 00:16:02,675
Here is your personnel file.
See for yourself.

410
00:16:04,042 --> 00:16:06,824
"Brilliant work."
"Commendation."

411
00:16:06,842 --> 00:16:08,342
"Above and beyond."

412
00:16:08,376 --> 00:16:09,342
Keep reading.

413
00:16:10,874 --> 00:16:13,008
"Request
for termination"?

414
00:16:13,542 --> 00:16:15,158
You tried to fire me once?

415
00:16:15,176 --> 00:16:17,824
No, no, no, no.
I tried to fire you four times.

416
00:16:17,842 --> 00:16:23,592
What... you... me... fou...
four... fired... times?

417
00:16:23,626 --> 00:16:26,258
If you need to boot again,
the trash can's on your right.

418
00:16:28,009 --> 00:16:30,675
Hey, man, what'd the doc say?
Everything okay?

419
00:16:30,709 --> 00:16:32,758
The tests and blood work
came back,

420
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:35,008
and the news is terrible.

421
00:16:35,042 --> 00:16:37,269
They found

422
00:16:37,739 --> 00:16:38,258
nothing.

423
00:16:38,792 --> 00:16:39,674
Nothing?

424
00:16:39,709 --> 00:16:42,991
- Nothing. The silent killer.
- Oh, my God.

425
00:16:43,009 --> 00:16:44,258
Chris, that means
everything's okay.

426
00:16:44,293 --> 00:16:46,158
Why weren't you
at practice this morning?

427
00:16:46,176 --> 00:16:47,342
Yeah, you should have
been there.

428
00:16:47,376 --> 00:16:48,658
I finally hit
my minimum requirement.

429
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:51,158
Minimum champion!

430
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:52,674
I'm going to die one day,
probably,

431
00:16:52,709 --> 00:16:54,958
without ever having
left my mark

432
00:16:54,992 --> 00:16:56,824
on this silly,
little planet.

433
00:16:56,842 --> 00:17:02,542
I'm gonna die an anonymous,
meaningless speck of dust.

434
00:17:02,593 --> 00:17:03,791
Wow.

435
00:17:03,825 --> 00:17:04,791
It sounds like you're
really going through

436
00:17:04,825 --> 00:17:06,125
some tough stuff
right now.

437
00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:09,791
It's too bad there's not
doctors for your mind.

438
00:17:09,825 --> 00:17:11,175
All right, well, hey,

439
00:17:11,209 --> 00:17:12,342
I'm gonna go run
some more laps.

440
00:17:12,376 --> 00:17:14,208
Will you time me?
Go.

441
00:17:14,259 --> 00:17:15,509
He's kind of right,
Chris.

442
00:17:15,543 --> 00:17:16,625
You were freaking out

443
00:17:16,658 --> 00:17:18,425
because you were
thinking about Andy

444
00:17:18,459 --> 00:17:20,325
and his family
and how you don't have one.

445
00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:22,208
Every time something tiny
goes wrong,

446
00:17:22,259 --> 00:17:24,509
you spiral like crazy.

447
00:17:24,892 --> 00:17:28,007
Maybe you should see
a therapist.

448
00:17:28,025 --> 00:17:29,757
I hope I'm not out of line.

449
00:17:31,291 --> 00:17:33,807
Au contraire, mon frere.

450
00:17:33,841 --> 00:17:37,674
You are as "in line"
as a person can be.

451
00:17:37,692 --> 00:17:41,525
You are a genius
and an amazing motivator.

452
00:17:41,559 --> 00:17:44,674
What was my time?

453
00:17:44,692 --> 00:17:47,441
- I don't know. 43.
- Yes! New record.

454
00:17:47,476 --> 00:17:52,891
All my life, I have tried
to achieve external goals.

455
00:17:52,942 --> 00:17:56,525
Run a four-minute mile,
climb Mount Everest.

456
00:17:56,559 --> 00:17:58,674
But before I can do that,

457
00:17:58,692 --> 00:18:02,774
I need to climb
the Mount Everest

458
00:18:02,808 --> 00:18:04,508
of my mind.

459
00:18:04,576 --> 00:18:06,991
I don't understand. Why did
you try to get me fired?

460
00:18:07,026 --> 00:18:10,175
The first year you worked
here, you drove me nuts.

461
00:18:10,209 --> 00:18:12,391
I would say no to something
you wanted to do,

462
00:18:12,410 --> 00:18:13,658
and you'd ignore me

463
00:18:13,692 --> 00:18:15,242
or go over my head
and do it anyway.

464
00:18:15,276 --> 00:18:17,325
You were insubordinate,
stubborn,

465
00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:19,574
a pain in my ass,
and, worst of all, bubbly.

466
00:18:19,609 --> 00:18:21,574
I was a dedicated
public servant.

467
00:18:21,609 --> 00:18:23,908
Right. That was
the worst thing you were.

468
00:18:23,942 --> 00:18:25,492
The point is, I ended up

469
00:18:25,526 --> 00:18:28,075
withdrawing all four requests
to have you fired,

470
00:18:28,109 --> 00:18:29,325
because, ultimately,

471
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:31,941
I'd rather work with
a person of conviction

472
00:18:31,992 --> 00:18:34,075
than a wishy-washy kiss-ass.

473
00:18:34,109 --> 00:18:36,658
Well, I had conviction because
I knew what I believed in,

474
00:18:36,692 --> 00:18:38,192
but I know
with this new job.

475
00:18:38,226 --> 00:18:40,858
I-I just feel like
I've lost my bearings.

476
00:18:40,892 --> 00:18:42,325
No, you haven't.

477
00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:44,492
You may have wandered
into unknown terrain,

478
00:18:44,526 --> 00:18:46,908
but you're still you.

479
00:18:46,942 --> 00:18:48,525
You know what?

480
00:18:48,558 --> 00:18:50,058
Are you gonna pull out

481
00:18:50,076 --> 00:18:52,358
some embarrassing photo of me
from high school?

482
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:55,825
Take this compass.
All great adventurers need one.

483
00:18:57,807 --> 00:18:59,024
Thank you, Ron.

484
00:18:59,059 --> 00:19:02,108
And, listen, as far as
this firing stuff goes,

485
00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:05,174
I won't forget and I will
never forgive you.

486
00:19:05,192 --> 00:19:07,475
There she is.

487
00:19:07,509 --> 00:19:09,941
Here's that report
you wanted, boss.

488
00:19:09,975 --> 00:19:13,191
It's funny because it has
30 different fonts on it,

489
00:19:13,226 --> 00:19:14,557
and you only like one.

490
00:19:14,608 --> 00:19:17,840
Do you like it?
Yeah, it's hilarious.

491
00:19:17,859 --> 00:19:20,308
Okay, I'm sorry I drew
those pictures of you.

492
00:19:20,342 --> 00:19:21,641
I was just messing around.

493
00:19:21,675 --> 00:19:23,607
Look, you may not
take this seriously,

494
00:19:23,642 --> 00:19:25,858
but this job
is important to me.

495
00:19:25,942 --> 00:19:27,991
And by the way,
you should take it seriously,

496
00:19:28,026 --> 00:19:29,891
because I asked you
to come work here

497
00:19:29,909 --> 00:19:30,991
because I thought
you'd enjoy it

498
00:19:31,026 --> 00:19:32,391
and I think you're smart,

499
00:19:32,410 --> 00:19:35,691
but you have to have some
semblance of professionalism,

500
00:19:35,725 --> 00:19:39,158
and I need you to give, like,
even a 15% effort.

501
00:19:40,142 --> 00:19:41,807
- 12%.
- 15.

502
00:19:41,841 --> 00:19:43,807
For God's sake, I'm asking
for 15% effort.

503
00:19:43,841 --> 00:19:45,858
It's not supposed to be
a negotiation.

504
00:19:45,892 --> 00:19:50,174
Fine. I'm sorry. 15.

505
00:19:51,410 --> 00:19:55,225
City councilwoman Knope,
how do you vote?

506
00:19:57,193 --> 00:20:00,491
Aye.
Strongly in favor.

507
00:20:00,525 --> 00:20:03,358
The soda tax measure passes,
3-2.

508
00:20:04,609 --> 00:20:05,908
Yes, I'm very pleased
with my vote

509
00:20:05,942 --> 00:20:07,825
because I voted
my conscience.

510
00:20:07,859 --> 00:20:09,991
And by the way,
she's totally bluffing

511
00:20:10,026 --> 00:20:11,775
about laying people off,
you watch.

512
00:20:11,826 --> 00:20:14,574
Anyway, I may have made
some enemies today,

513
00:20:14,609 --> 00:20:15,658
but that is
part of the job.

514
00:20:15,692 --> 00:20:17,341
And who knows,
maybe in the future,

515
00:20:17,442 --> 00:20:19,724
my enemies will become
my friends.

516
00:20:19,775 --> 00:20:21,507
Stranger things
have happened.

517
00:20:21,525 --> 00:20:24,774
Let's keep it down
out there.

518
00:20:29,338 --> 00:20:31,802
Yeah, I love cupcakes.

519
00:20:32,337 --> 00:20:34,885
Ellis hates you,
and he has herpes.

520
00:20:34,919 --> 00:20:37,802
- Hey, what's your problem?
- My problem is you, Smellis.

521
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:39,386
Ben told you
to finish the website,

522
00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:41,002
and if you don't do it,
I swear to God,

523
00:20:41,053 --> 00:20:42,885
I'm gonna murder you
in your sleep.

524
00:20:42,919 --> 00:20:44,302
I know where you live.
14th street, right?

525
00:20:44,337 --> 00:20:45,802
I'm gonna get a melon baller

526
00:20:45,836 --> 00:20:47,718
and scoop your eyes out
and eat them,

527
00:20:47,753 --> 00:20:50,501
and your congressman uncle
is gonna have to buy you a dog

528
00:20:50,552 --> 00:20:52,802
to drag your eyeless face
around.

529
00:20:53,336 --> 00:20:54,751
Do you understand me?

530
00:20:54,785 --> 00:20:57,618
Yes.

531
00:20:58,686 --> 00:21:00,085
Do it.

532
00:21:03,411 --> 00:21:08,406
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com