1 00:00:00,430 --> 00:00:02,148 Mr. Haverford, on the morning of your crash 2 00:00:02,149 --> 00:00:03,747 - were you alone in your car? - Yes. 3 00:00:03,867 --> 00:00:05,185 Your Honor, this was an accident. 4 00:00:05,186 --> 00:00:07,909 Plain and simple. I don't want to put words in your mouth but... 5 00:00:08,161 --> 00:00:08,994 case dismissed. 6 00:00:09,113 --> 00:00:10,792 And you were texting at the time, correct? 7 00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:11,930 How dare you, sir? 8 00:00:12,050 --> 00:00:12,925 I was tweeting. 9 00:00:13,045 --> 00:00:14,196 Please, read Exhibit C, 10 00:00:14,316 --> 00:00:17,567 the transcript of your Twitter page leading to the immediatelly following crash. 11 00:00:17,687 --> 00:00:21,105 "9:15. Four green lights in a row. #blessed" 12 00:00:21,225 --> 00:00:26,295 "9:17. Drive faster, blue Civic. Daaaaaamn. #soccermoms" 13 00:00:26,415 --> 00:00:29,872 "9:18. Gotta pass this lady on the 'ejkerkj'." 14 00:00:29,906 --> 00:00:31,488 That's when I hit the fire hydrant. 15 00:00:31,539 --> 00:00:34,655 Sorry, allegedly hit the fire hydrant. 16 00:00:34,706 --> 00:00:37,438 "9:20. Just hit a fire hydrant, but I survived. 17 00:00:37,456 --> 00:00:39,238 "#unbreakable. 18 00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:41,448 "#what'sMr. Glassuptothesedays? 19 00:00:43,456 --> 00:00:45,872 Prosecution rests, Your Honor. 20 00:00:45,906 --> 00:00:47,622 Mr. Haverford, you have a problem 21 00:00:47,656 --> 00:00:48,989 keeping your eyes on the road 22 00:00:49,039 --> 00:00:50,612 and off your electronic devices. 23 00:00:50,732 --> 00:00:53,622 I'm going to tailor a punishment to fit the crime. 24 00:00:53,656 --> 00:00:55,572 One week without screens. 25 00:00:55,606 --> 00:00:58,803 No phone, tablets, computers, television... anything. 26 00:00:58,923 --> 00:01:00,416 No! Please, send me to jail! 27 00:01:00,536 --> 00:01:03,205 Any slipups, and that week becomes a month. 28 00:01:03,239 --> 00:01:04,405 Turn in your phone, please. 29 00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:05,789 Fine. One last tweet? 30 00:01:05,823 --> 00:01:07,789 Bailiff! 31 00:01:07,823 --> 00:01:10,271 Pr-press send, bailiff! Press send! 32 00:01:13,289 --> 00:01:21,281 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 33 00:01:30,456 --> 00:01:31,622 Howdy. 34 00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:33,488 Hey! What's with the get-up? 35 00:01:33,539 --> 00:01:35,497 I just got back from that dude ranch with Ricky. 36 00:01:35,532 --> 00:01:37,610 It was really fun. He bought this for me as a gift. 37 00:01:37,611 --> 00:01:39,739 A cowboy hat from your cowboyfriend. 38 00:01:39,773 --> 00:01:41,211 That makes it sound like he's a cow. 39 00:01:41,212 --> 00:01:43,739 From your cowboy boyfriend. Your boycow-cowboy. 40 00:01:43,773 --> 00:01:45,538 - Just call him "Ricky." - Okay, great. 41 00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:47,739 Okay, everyone. 42 00:01:47,773 --> 00:01:50,455 Great news: Lots of old people have chlamydia. 43 00:01:50,489 --> 00:01:51,772 Whoo! 44 00:01:51,790 --> 00:01:53,988 Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands, 45 00:01:54,039 --> 00:01:55,538 and what they're doing with that time 46 00:01:55,573 --> 00:01:57,905 is going at it hard, old people-style. 47 00:01:57,939 --> 00:02:00,121 A lot of them haven't had proper sex education, 48 00:02:00,156 --> 00:02:03,038 and as a result, STDs are having a field day. 49 00:02:03,072 --> 00:02:05,739 It's amazing what a few old guys can do 50 00:02:05,773 --> 00:02:08,271 with a little bit of charm and a lot of crabs. 51 00:02:08,289 --> 00:02:09,822 Okay, sex avengers, 52 00:02:09,873 --> 00:02:12,071 these old fogies are very set in their ways. 53 00:02:12,105 --> 00:02:13,955 They're hopped up on E.D. medication 54 00:02:13,989 --> 00:02:15,539 and they got nothing to lose, 55 00:02:15,540 --> 00:02:16,739 'cause they're close to death. 56 00:02:16,773 --> 00:02:19,071 Also, seniors can be pretty ornery. 57 00:02:19,105 --> 00:02:21,739 Actually, I think it's pronounced "horny." 58 00:02:21,773 --> 00:02:24,438 I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people, 59 00:02:24,456 --> 00:02:26,905 and we can ask Ann our grossest, 60 00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:28,739 most perverted sex questions. 61 00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:30,405 I'll start. I'm an old lady, 62 00:02:30,439 --> 00:02:32,405 why do I need birth control? 63 00:02:32,439 --> 00:02:35,538 I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president. 64 00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:36,538 Well, with the elderly, 65 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,572 we are not so concerned with pregnancy. 66 00:02:38,606 --> 00:02:40,372 We're more concerned with disease. 67 00:02:40,406 --> 00:02:42,772 Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get? 68 00:02:42,790 --> 00:02:43,805 I don't think so, no. 69 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:45,622 Because that's happening to me. 70 00:02:45,656 --> 00:02:47,238 What should I do? 71 00:02:47,272 --> 00:02:49,070 Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat? 72 00:02:49,071 --> 00:02:51,904 I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter. 73 00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:53,297 I think you're good to go, nursey. 74 00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:55,016 I want to jump on that caboose. Choo choo! 75 00:02:55,039 --> 00:02:56,843 You should never eat lube, 76 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,322 you need to see a doctor immediately, 77 00:02:58,373 --> 00:03:00,572 and I'm sorry, sir, but you have to be under 40 78 00:03:00,606 --> 00:03:01,937 to ride this train. 79 00:03:01,956 --> 00:03:03,872 That's how you do it, kids. 80 00:03:03,905 --> 00:03:05,238 Nice. 81 00:03:05,272 --> 00:03:08,038 "LeRon James." We still on for breakfast? 82 00:03:08,072 --> 00:03:10,121 You are an hour and a half late for work. 83 00:03:10,156 --> 00:03:12,372 Yeah. Sorry. I can't use my GPS, 84 00:03:12,406 --> 00:03:13,789 but I figured it out. 85 00:03:13,823 --> 00:03:16,438 I just drove around in circles until I saw something familiar. 86 00:03:16,456 --> 00:03:18,071 You live 3 miles from here. 87 00:03:18,105 --> 00:03:20,455 3.4, according to my GPS, 88 00:03:20,456 --> 00:03:21,655 which I used to use every day. 89 00:03:21,706 --> 00:03:23,205 I can't use screens for a week. 90 00:03:23,239 --> 00:03:25,205 Big deal! I'm adapting. 91 00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:28,238 I built a real-life Pinterest board. 92 00:03:31,573 --> 00:03:33,705 I really wish you could click those. 93 00:03:33,740 --> 00:03:36,238 Wow, there he is, Barack Obama. 94 00:03:36,272 --> 00:03:37,751 His name is congressman David Murray, 95 00:03:37,752 --> 00:03:40,322 he is our boss and he is white. 96 00:03:40,373 --> 00:03:41,538 Don't embarrass me. 97 00:03:41,573 --> 00:03:43,104 Congressman Murray, I'm Ben Wyatt, 98 00:03:43,122 --> 00:03:44,937 coordinating director of D.C. Operations. 99 00:03:44,956 --> 00:03:47,038 And I am April Blart, mall cop. 100 00:03:47,072 --> 00:03:49,405 Great! It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Ben. 101 00:03:49,439 --> 00:03:51,104 Heard such great things. 102 00:03:51,122 --> 00:03:52,920 Well, I really feel like I know you already. 103 00:03:52,921 --> 00:03:54,800 I've watched all of your speeches and debates. 104 00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,071 It's very inspiring. 105 00:03:56,105 --> 00:03:57,322 Thank you, Ben. 106 00:03:57,373 --> 00:03:59,622 And thank you all for your hard work. 107 00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:02,488 Now, stay cool. It's a hot one out there today. 108 00:04:02,539 --> 00:04:03,499 That's right, 109 00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:05,538 you could practically cook an egg on the sidewalk. 110 00:04:05,573 --> 00:04:08,488 Terrific. 111 00:04:09,706 --> 00:04:11,178 Okay, let's make sure we're ready 112 00:04:11,179 --> 00:04:12,538 for the strategy session tomorrow. 113 00:04:12,573 --> 00:04:13,871 - Okay. - Okay? 114 00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:16,288 Hey, we're still gonna assassinate him, right? 115 00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:18,904 - Don't say that. - Ben! 116 00:04:23,206 --> 00:04:26,937 What the hell is he doing? 117 00:04:26,956 --> 00:04:29,772 Hello, can everyone hear me okay? 118 00:04:29,790 --> 00:04:31,155 No. 119 00:04:31,206 --> 00:04:32,964 Okay, great. I'm councilwoman Leslie Knope, 120 00:04:32,989 --> 00:04:35,405 and today we are here to talk about safe sex. 121 00:04:35,439 --> 00:04:37,438 I know this is a personal question, 122 00:04:37,456 --> 00:04:40,205 but how many of you out there are sexually active? 123 00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:41,372 My. 124 00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:44,104 I have two partners, often at the same time. 125 00:04:44,122 --> 00:04:45,572 Wow. Thank you. 126 00:04:45,606 --> 00:04:47,622 Does anyone know what we risk 127 00:04:47,656 --> 00:04:49,705 when we have unprotected sex? 128 00:04:49,740 --> 00:04:51,288 - Heart attack. - Falling in love. 129 00:04:51,323 --> 00:04:52,937 Partner dies on top of you! 130 00:04:52,956 --> 00:04:54,955 Yes, but the truth is, 131 00:04:54,989 --> 00:04:56,538 the greatest risk you face 132 00:04:56,573 --> 00:04:58,488 is sexually transmitted diseases. 133 00:04:58,539 --> 00:05:00,904 Are these old people really having sex with each other? 134 00:05:00,938 --> 00:05:02,497 Yeah, what'd you think they were doing? 135 00:05:02,532 --> 00:05:03,970 I don't know, I thought we were just 136 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,238 talking about it. 137 00:05:09,872 --> 00:05:12,288 And the best way to prevent them is to use protection. 138 00:05:12,323 --> 00:05:13,904 Well, that's all fine and good, 139 00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,455 but what if the banana is soft and mushy, 140 00:05:16,489 --> 00:05:18,605 and doglegs sharply to the left? 141 00:05:25,439 --> 00:05:27,655 My God, Jerry, when you check your email, 142 00:05:27,706 --> 00:05:30,605 you go to Altavista and type "Please go to yahoo.com?" 143 00:05:30,623 --> 00:05:31,781 Well, how else would I do it? 144 00:05:31,795 --> 00:05:33,274 You don't have your email bookmarked? 145 00:05:33,275 --> 00:05:34,322 Do you have any bookmarks? 146 00:05:34,373 --> 00:05:35,771 What's bookmarks? 147 00:05:35,789 --> 00:05:38,488 God, Jerry! You don't deserve the Internet! 148 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:39,572 I'm going crazy, Ron! 149 00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:41,155 Life without screens is pointless. 150 00:05:41,206 --> 00:05:44,455 I made an iPhone out of paper. It's not the same, though. 151 00:05:47,656 --> 00:05:49,488 This is the work of a lunatic. 152 00:05:49,539 --> 00:05:51,488 You need to detox. 153 00:05:51,539 --> 00:05:53,937 Tomorrow, we'll go to my cabin in the woods. 154 00:05:53,956 --> 00:05:55,771 It's so far away from civilization, 155 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,455 the electric company is not even aware 156 00:05:57,489 --> 00:05:58,605 there's a structure there. 157 00:05:58,623 --> 00:06:00,372 Thanks, Ron. 158 00:06:00,406 --> 00:06:02,705 And hey, can you give me a ride after work? 159 00:06:02,739 --> 00:06:06,322 There's no chance I can find my way home. 160 00:06:06,373 --> 00:06:09,155 If you encounter this scenario, 161 00:06:09,206 --> 00:06:11,738 simply execute the following maneuver. 162 00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:14,372 And stop! 163 00:06:14,406 --> 00:06:16,104 Great job, and very informative, 164 00:06:16,122 --> 00:06:17,392 but we need to stop now forever 165 00:06:17,393 --> 00:06:18,871 and pretend like this never happened. 166 00:06:18,905 --> 00:06:19,937 Why? What happening? 167 00:06:22,439 --> 00:06:23,937 Boy. 168 00:06:23,956 --> 00:06:25,605 Marcia and Marshall Langman 169 00:06:25,623 --> 00:06:27,488 are the town's morality watchdogs. 170 00:06:27,539 --> 00:06:30,904 Marcia is motivated, calculating, and hyper-vigilant, 171 00:06:30,938 --> 00:06:33,988 and her husband, Marshall, is... 172 00:06:34,039 --> 00:06:35,271 vivacious. 173 00:06:35,289 --> 00:06:38,988 This, that's happening here, is not allowed! 174 00:06:39,039 --> 00:06:42,405 We at the society for family stability foundation 175 00:06:42,439 --> 00:06:45,071 object to this smut being taught. 176 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:46,821 It's against Pawnee's 177 00:06:46,872 --> 00:06:49,405 abstinence-only sex education law. 178 00:06:49,439 --> 00:06:50,771 That's only for schools. 179 00:06:50,789 --> 00:06:52,821 Actually, it's not. The way the bill is drafted 180 00:06:52,872 --> 00:06:54,538 prohibits any government employee 181 00:06:54,573 --> 00:06:57,738 from teaching anything but abstinence, city-wide. 182 00:06:57,772 --> 00:06:59,372 - Thank you, Chris. - You're welcome. 183 00:06:59,406 --> 00:07:01,679 If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors, 184 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,038 the next you thing you know, it'll be in our high schools, 185 00:07:04,039 --> 00:07:05,957 then our kindergartens, and before you know it, 186 00:07:05,958 --> 00:07:07,438 we have babies in thong underwear. 187 00:07:07,456 --> 00:07:08,438 Is that what you want? 188 00:07:08,456 --> 00:07:09,871 Yes, that's what I want. 189 00:07:09,905 --> 00:07:12,538 Ladies and gentlemen, this vulgar sex show is over. 190 00:07:12,573 --> 00:07:14,988 Please forget everything this horrible woman has told you. 191 00:07:15,039 --> 00:07:19,438 It is not over. It is far from over. 192 00:07:19,456 --> 00:07:22,455 Andy, pack up our bananas! 193 00:07:28,712 --> 00:07:29,733 This is a great idea. 194 00:07:29,853 --> 00:07:31,744 Fresh air, no screens. 195 00:07:31,795 --> 00:07:33,885 I'm getting really good at chopping wood too. 196 00:07:34,556 --> 00:07:35,760 You're a regular Paul Bunyan. 197 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,161 I got stung by the wood! 198 00:07:38,195 --> 00:07:39,220 No, it's a splinter. 199 00:07:39,269 --> 00:07:40,435 I need to get on webMD now! 200 00:07:40,453 --> 00:07:42,268 I need a iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy, 201 00:07:42,286 --> 00:07:43,368 something with 4G. 202 00:07:43,403 --> 00:07:44,881 There's no time for the edge network. 203 00:07:44,882 --> 00:07:46,569 What are you doing? Wha...? W-w-waa! 204 00:07:46,603 --> 00:07:48,785 Got it. 205 00:07:48,819 --> 00:07:50,452 I still think we should find a computer 206 00:07:50,486 --> 00:07:52,435 and Google "sterilization techniques." 207 00:07:52,453 --> 00:07:53,835 Yeah, I have a new idea. 208 00:07:53,869 --> 00:07:56,519 You need to purge all of this garbage from your system. 209 00:07:56,553 --> 00:07:58,801 Talk about all the things you do on those screens, 210 00:07:58,836 --> 00:08:01,569 and let the words just float away into the fresh air, 211 00:08:01,602 --> 00:08:04,202 - and then we will be done. - Okay, worth a shot. 212 00:08:04,236 --> 00:08:06,985 Every day I start by hitting up Facebook, Twitter, 213 00:08:07,036 --> 00:08:08,318 tumblr, and Instagram. 214 00:08:08,369 --> 00:08:10,318 Sometimes I like to throw in Linkedln, 215 00:08:10,369 --> 00:08:12,535 for the professional shorties. 216 00:08:12,570 --> 00:08:14,235 See? That was easy. 217 00:08:14,269 --> 00:08:15,734 Then I like to go on reddit. 218 00:08:15,768 --> 00:08:16,951 Reddit's great, 'cause it has 219 00:08:16,986 --> 00:08:18,985 all the important links you need. 220 00:08:20,786 --> 00:08:22,202 - New shirt? - Yeah. 221 00:08:22,236 --> 00:08:24,568 I got it at the dude ranch with my boyfriend. 222 00:08:24,602 --> 00:08:26,951 - You like it? - It's not my favorite shirt, 223 00:08:26,986 --> 00:08:30,485 but it is my least favorite shirt. 224 00:08:30,536 --> 00:08:32,068 Perd, we strongly believe 225 00:08:32,102 --> 00:08:35,601 in teaching and practicing abstinence. 226 00:08:35,619 --> 00:08:38,734 We all have some crazy urges from time to time, 227 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,101 but you just can't act on them. 228 00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:43,068 You have to bury them way down deep inside. 229 00:08:43,102 --> 00:08:45,818 You have to say, "Get out of here, you crazy urges! 230 00:08:45,869 --> 00:08:47,627 You are not welcome in this brain of mine!" 231 00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,235 There are some statistics 232 00:08:49,269 --> 00:08:50,785 that I'd like to share with you now, 233 00:08:50,819 --> 00:08:52,452 and they are numbers. 234 00:08:52,486 --> 00:08:54,535 Some 85% of Pawnee residents 235 00:08:54,569 --> 00:08:57,268 support abstinence-only education. 236 00:08:57,286 --> 00:08:59,618 And the other 15% are perverts. 237 00:08:59,652 --> 00:09:01,268 J.K., you guys. 238 00:09:01,286 --> 00:09:04,152 And 100% of Pawneeans are "perd-verts." 239 00:09:04,203 --> 00:09:05,435 That's the name I call 240 00:09:05,453 --> 00:09:06,568 fans of this show 241 00:09:06,602 --> 00:09:09,368 based on the fact that my name is Perd. 242 00:09:09,403 --> 00:09:11,121 We'll see you after the break, perd-verts. 243 00:09:12,436 --> 00:09:14,314 Look, we need an emergency task force meeting. 244 00:09:14,315 --> 00:09:15,068 What do we do? 245 00:09:15,102 --> 00:09:16,485 Objective studies have shown 246 00:09:16,535 --> 00:09:18,785 that abstinence-only education doesn't work. 247 00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:20,101 People still have sex. 248 00:09:20,119 --> 00:09:21,637 They don't know how to use protection, 249 00:09:21,638 --> 00:09:23,202 so the disease keeps spreading. 250 00:09:23,236 --> 00:09:25,068 We need to give people practical knowledge. 251 00:09:25,102 --> 00:09:27,318 Ann Perkins, your expertise is thrilling, 252 00:09:27,369 --> 00:09:30,152 and frankly, almost arousing, 253 00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:31,534 but the law is the law. 254 00:09:31,569 --> 00:09:33,101 Well, you're on city council now. 255 00:09:33,119 --> 00:09:35,402 - Change the law. - The people support this. 256 00:09:35,436 --> 00:09:37,767 I couldn't fight those numbers even if I wanted to. 257 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,200 It's political suicide. 258 00:09:39,201 --> 00:09:41,399 So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? 259 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,238 - Great plan. - There's no other option, Ann. 260 00:09:43,239 --> 00:09:44,118 Put away your sex toys 261 00:09:44,119 --> 00:09:45,557 and play with them on your own time. 262 00:09:45,558 --> 00:09:47,601 I did eat all the bananas, 263 00:09:47,619 --> 00:09:50,235 so you can't play with those. 264 00:09:51,403 --> 00:09:52,841 Hey, nice work on the jobs research. 265 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:55,568 Shh! Look. 266 00:09:56,786 --> 00:09:58,664 What am I looking at? He's not doing anything. 267 00:09:58,665 --> 00:09:59,452 That's the point. 268 00:09:59,485 --> 00:10:01,701 This morning he got in, sat down in there, 269 00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:04,901 and has been staring straight ahead, doing nothing. 270 00:10:04,935 --> 00:10:06,651 - He's a robot. - He's not a robot. 271 00:10:06,702 --> 00:10:09,118 He's just thinking. He's got a lot on his mind. 272 00:10:09,153 --> 00:10:11,435 Yeah, like, "One, one, zero, one. 273 00:10:11,453 --> 00:10:12,985 Must eat babies for fuel." 274 00:10:13,036 --> 00:10:14,452 Why would a robot 275 00:10:14,485 --> 00:10:16,368 need to consume organic matter? 276 00:10:16,403 --> 00:10:17,818 Sorry. 277 00:10:17,869 --> 00:10:20,268 You know what, they probably put a TV in there, 278 00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:23,734 and he's watching old speeches to bone up or something. 279 00:10:23,768 --> 00:10:25,701 Let's go see. 280 00:10:25,735 --> 00:10:27,152 Congressman, 281 00:10:27,203 --> 00:10:30,068 here is the briefing packet for our strategy meeting later. 282 00:10:30,102 --> 00:10:33,101 Excellent, thank you. 283 00:10:34,102 --> 00:10:35,568 Anything else I can do for you? 284 00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:38,268 No, sir. All systems are operational. 285 00:10:38,286 --> 00:10:41,035 Great. Stay cool. Hot one out there today. 286 00:10:42,203 --> 00:10:45,402 Thank you, congressman. 287 00:10:48,153 --> 00:10:51,534 Mankind's greatest invention/ 288 00:10:51,569 --> 00:10:52,818 you can learn about anything. 289 00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:54,818 Take Ray J, for example. 290 00:10:54,869 --> 00:10:56,867 We all know he's a singer, he's Brandy's brother, 291 00:10:56,868 --> 00:10:58,267 and he was in that classic sex tape 292 00:10:58,269 --> 00:10:59,651 with Kim Kardashian, 293 00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:02,484 but did you also know he's Snoop Dogg's cousin 294 00:11:02,535 --> 00:11:05,651 and he was in the '96 Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks? 295 00:11:05,702 --> 00:11:07,734 Suddenly, you're on the Mars Attacks page. 296 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:10,484 I love GChat. You can talk to anybody. 297 00:11:10,535 --> 00:11:13,268 I hit up Brad. Pitt. It wasn't the actor. 298 00:11:13,286 --> 00:11:16,868 It's actually a guy named Brad that's a teacher in Pittsburgh. 299 00:11:19,119 --> 00:11:21,357 We don't have a lot in common, but we chat quite a bit. 300 00:11:21,358 --> 00:11:23,701 "Emoji" are little cartoons you text instead of words. 301 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,119 Instead of saying, "What up, boo?" 302 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,318 You can type "What up," and then a cute, little ghost, 303 00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:28,318 'cause that means "boo." 304 00:11:28,369 --> 00:11:29,687 There's even a little Indian guy, 305 00:11:29,688 --> 00:11:31,651 but he has a turban on, which I think is racist, 306 00:11:31,702 --> 00:11:34,068 but the Asian guy also has a racist hat on, 307 00:11:34,102 --> 00:11:35,061 and it's like, "Hold up, 308 00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:36,540 didn't Japanese people invent this?" 309 00:11:36,541 --> 00:11:38,401 Podcasts. There are a million of 'em, 310 00:11:38,435 --> 00:11:40,101 and they're all amazing. 311 00:11:40,119 --> 00:11:43,002 Jean-Ralphio and I have one called "Nacho average podcast," 312 00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:44,601 where we rate different kinds of nachos. 313 00:11:44,619 --> 00:11:46,534 - It seems like... - Okay, that's enough! 314 00:11:46,569 --> 00:11:47,767 No more talking. 315 00:11:47,786 --> 00:11:49,704 But you told me to get it all out of my system. 316 00:11:49,705 --> 00:11:51,901 I had no idea how much you had in your system. 317 00:11:51,935 --> 00:11:53,118 This is a real problem, tom. 318 00:11:53,153 --> 00:11:56,651 You are an addict and you need to change. 319 00:11:56,702 --> 00:12:00,618 I've downloaded every episode of Intervention. 320 00:12:00,652 --> 00:12:03,534 I know what to do here. 321 00:12:03,569 --> 00:12:04,785 You're right. 322 00:12:04,819 --> 00:12:06,152 I am an addict. 323 00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:09,534 I've hurt all my friends and family with my addiction. 324 00:12:09,569 --> 00:12:11,934 I will accept this gift of rehabilitation. 325 00:12:11,952 --> 00:12:13,202 I'm proud of you, 326 00:12:13,236 --> 00:12:15,618 but also a bit fearful that we're verging on 327 00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:18,367 what I call "feelings territory," 328 00:12:18,402 --> 00:12:20,568 so let's stare at the fire in silence. 329 00:12:20,602 --> 00:12:22,601 I've had a breakthrough, Ron. 330 00:12:22,619 --> 00:12:24,434 What do you say you chop up some more wood, 331 00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:25,701 and I'll take your car 332 00:12:25,735 --> 00:12:29,202 and go grab us some victory steaks? 333 00:12:30,286 --> 00:12:31,568 Perfect. 334 00:12:31,602 --> 00:12:33,818 I'm so glad you've come to your senses. 335 00:12:33,869 --> 00:12:35,734 Here's our educational pamphlet. 336 00:12:35,768 --> 00:12:37,868 I recommend you start reading at chapter three. 337 00:12:37,902 --> 00:12:39,235 "Chapter three. 338 00:12:39,269 --> 00:12:41,426 There's a party in your pants and no one is invited." 339 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,068 This is crazy. I mean, obviously, 340 00:12:43,102 --> 00:12:45,951 the best way to prevent disease is to magically stop all sex, 341 00:12:45,986 --> 00:12:47,401 but that's not gonna happen. 342 00:12:47,435 --> 00:12:50,101 Well, maybe not where you come from in "Tramp-sylvania." 343 00:12:50,119 --> 00:12:52,534 Good one, honey! 344 00:12:52,569 --> 00:12:55,317 I'm from Michigan! 345 00:12:55,368 --> 00:12:56,985 That wasn't worth saying. 346 00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:59,025 Why are you doing this? You're gonna get up there 347 00:12:59,026 --> 00:13:00,784 and say a bunch of stuff you don't believe? 348 00:13:00,785 --> 00:13:01,544 Well, it's the law. 349 00:13:01,545 --> 00:13:02,951 I get that. I just... 350 00:13:02,986 --> 00:13:04,568 You're not acting like yourself. 351 00:13:04,602 --> 00:13:07,401 Really? You want to go there? 352 00:13:07,435 --> 00:13:08,434 Go where? 353 00:13:08,452 --> 00:13:09,531 You know where we're going. 354 00:13:09,532 --> 00:13:10,818 No, I have no idea, honestly. 355 00:13:10,869 --> 00:13:12,148 Okay, I guess we're going there. 356 00:13:12,149 --> 00:13:13,101 Are we leaving? 357 00:13:13,119 --> 00:13:14,357 You want me to act like myself? 358 00:13:14,391 --> 00:13:15,550 You're dressed like a cowboy! 359 00:13:15,551 --> 00:13:18,068 So? It's fun, and I like it. 360 00:13:18,102 --> 00:13:20,451 When you dated Andy, you dressed in flannels. 361 00:13:20,485 --> 00:13:22,618 When you dated Chris, you dressed in spandex. 362 00:13:22,652 --> 00:13:25,401 Ann, please do not lecture me about acting like myself. 363 00:13:25,435 --> 00:13:28,785 You're dressed like an abstinence girl 364 00:13:28,819 --> 00:13:30,484 on the outside! 365 00:13:30,535 --> 00:13:32,134 God, I'm off my comeback game right now. 366 00:13:32,168 --> 00:13:34,206 You know what? I don't care, do whatever you want. 367 00:13:34,207 --> 00:13:35,534 Okay. 368 00:13:35,569 --> 00:13:37,035 Girl, you look like Annie Oakley 369 00:13:37,069 --> 00:13:40,451 and Pippi Longstocking had a baby and I love it. 370 00:13:42,485 --> 00:13:43,844 A deer jumped in front of the car, 371 00:13:43,845 --> 00:13:45,643 and then a bear jumped in front of the deer! 372 00:13:46,652 --> 00:13:49,152 "'Tommy-edamame' is back on the grid. 373 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:51,367 "Tell everyone to light me up with their dijjies, 374 00:13:51,402 --> 00:13:52,985 gotta load 'em into my burner." 375 00:13:53,036 --> 00:13:55,601 Yes, I went to best buy and bought a phone. 376 00:13:55,619 --> 00:13:57,651 Out of the car, now. 377 00:13:57,702 --> 00:13:59,868 Where are we going, Ron? 378 00:13:59,902 --> 00:14:01,900 Are we walking to best buy to get a better phone? 379 00:14:12,102 --> 00:14:13,767 Word. 380 00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,767 Whoo! Whoo! 381 00:14:15,786 --> 00:14:17,267 Thank you very much, Marshall. 382 00:14:17,285 --> 00:14:19,068 Hello, my aged friends. 383 00:14:19,102 --> 00:14:21,701 Some of you might remember that I was here before. 384 00:14:21,735 --> 00:14:23,985 - I don't remember that. - Well, I was. 385 00:14:24,036 --> 00:14:26,035 But I have a new message for you. 386 00:14:26,069 --> 00:14:30,901 The best way to be safe is to simply postpone sex 387 00:14:30,935 --> 00:14:32,484 until marriage. 388 00:14:32,535 --> 00:14:34,568 I am not going to be told not to have sex 389 00:14:34,602 --> 00:14:37,317 by someone who's ten years my junior. 390 00:14:37,368 --> 00:14:39,367 Amen, Gladys. You're right! 391 00:14:39,402 --> 00:14:41,434 Not about the age thing, about the other thing. 392 00:14:41,452 --> 00:14:43,101 Perhaps you might understand it better 393 00:14:43,119 --> 00:14:45,152 if I read to you from this pamphlet, 394 00:14:45,202 --> 00:14:47,651 So you think you know more than God. 395 00:14:47,702 --> 00:14:48,934 "Our bodies are God's gift, 396 00:14:48,952 --> 00:14:50,901 "but they're also the devil's playground. 397 00:14:50,935 --> 00:14:52,985 "The devil likes to hide 398 00:14:53,036 --> 00:14:55,201 "in all your private nooks and crannies, 399 00:14:55,235 --> 00:14:57,101 "and if you open too wide, 400 00:14:57,119 --> 00:14:59,701 he might get out, or in." What...? 401 00:14:59,735 --> 00:15:02,451 Can we just see the condom demonstration again? 402 00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:05,367 'Cause I don't know where Lou has been. 403 00:15:05,402 --> 00:15:10,234 Well, I-I wish I-I could, but I... 404 00:15:13,768 --> 00:15:15,651 Screw it. Okay, here. 405 00:15:15,702 --> 00:15:16,934 This is a penis, right? 406 00:15:16,952 --> 00:15:19,189 You put a condom on it, and you pull the tip like this, 407 00:15:19,190 --> 00:15:21,118 and you roll it all the way down the penis. 408 00:15:21,152 --> 00:15:22,631 Tell you what, condoms for everybody! 409 00:15:22,632 --> 00:15:23,818 Who wants some? 410 00:15:23,869 --> 00:15:25,484 Safe sex for everybody! 411 00:15:25,535 --> 00:15:26,534 - Hey! - This is... 412 00:15:26,569 --> 00:15:28,395 Hey, who wants to party? 413 00:15:30,064 --> 00:15:32,027 It's a censure from the mayor's office. 414 00:15:32,258 --> 00:15:33,224 It's so official. 415 00:15:33,258 --> 00:15:34,707 I mean, look at the paper quality. 416 00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:36,341 This is no joke. 417 00:15:36,375 --> 00:15:38,307 I know I'm supposed to help educate the public, 418 00:15:38,342 --> 00:15:41,291 but I also have an obligation to uphold the laws. 419 00:15:41,325 --> 00:15:42,841 You're my boss. What's my move here? 420 00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:44,641 Actually, Leslie, you're my boss now. 421 00:15:44,675 --> 00:15:45,370 That's right. 422 00:15:45,490 --> 00:15:46,998 Why am I still weirdly scared of you? 423 00:15:47,118 --> 00:15:49,674 I'm very confident and I make a lot of eye contact. 424 00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:51,941 As your city manager, 425 00:15:51,976 --> 00:15:55,141 I recommend that you formally apologize 426 00:15:55,175 --> 00:15:56,207 and that, in the future, 427 00:15:56,225 --> 00:15:58,141 you stick to the letter of the law, 428 00:15:58,175 --> 00:16:00,307 but between you and me, as your best friend... 429 00:16:00,342 --> 00:16:02,091 - Wha...? - I kind of admire 430 00:16:02,142 --> 00:16:03,558 what you did up there. 431 00:16:03,592 --> 00:16:04,975 Made me happy that I voted for you 432 00:16:05,009 --> 00:16:07,508 as my city council member. 433 00:16:07,542 --> 00:16:09,915 Okay, this is great, just make sure 434 00:16:09,916 --> 00:16:11,794 that you don't go too tight on him, all right? 435 00:16:11,914 --> 00:16:13,474 Hey, can I ask you a question? 436 00:16:13,509 --> 00:16:15,424 What's the deal with the congressman? 437 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,224 Seriously, like, he seems a little robotic... 438 00:16:18,258 --> 00:16:19,307 Or something? 439 00:16:19,342 --> 00:16:21,174 Yeah, yeah, he's great, yeah. 440 00:16:21,208 --> 00:16:22,508 He turns it on when he has to, 441 00:16:22,542 --> 00:16:24,174 and when he doesn't, he just sits there. 442 00:16:24,208 --> 00:16:26,257 There's no surprises, it's perfect. 443 00:16:26,308 --> 00:16:28,891 Congressman, can you just sit in the chair 444 00:16:28,926 --> 00:16:30,874 to test the satellite feed? 445 00:16:30,892 --> 00:16:32,307 Okey-dokey. 446 00:16:32,342 --> 00:16:34,307 Just run through some of your stump speech. 447 00:16:34,342 --> 00:16:37,591 We've gone through some difficult times, 448 00:16:37,642 --> 00:16:40,207 but we're from Ohio. We're tough. 449 00:16:40,225 --> 00:16:43,008 We won't just survive these dark times, 450 00:16:43,042 --> 00:16:45,508 we will thrive! 451 00:16:45,542 --> 00:16:47,391 That's great. Good. 452 00:16:47,425 --> 00:16:49,925 Cool beans. 453 00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:52,975 See you guys later. 454 00:16:54,308 --> 00:16:57,674 God, I love him. He's the best. 455 00:16:57,708 --> 00:17:00,374 I'm sorry I crashed your car. 456 00:17:00,392 --> 00:17:02,508 Please forgive me, Ron. Please, Ron? 457 00:17:02,542 --> 00:17:04,891 Please? 458 00:17:04,926 --> 00:17:06,764 What are you doing? Are you going to kill me? 459 00:17:06,765 --> 00:17:10,224 Why do you need to be constantly distracted, tom? 460 00:17:12,342 --> 00:17:13,558 The truth is 461 00:17:13,592 --> 00:17:15,508 I spend a lot of time looking at screens 462 00:17:15,542 --> 00:17:16,975 because recently, 463 00:17:17,009 --> 00:17:18,424 a lot of the stuff in my real life 464 00:17:18,475 --> 00:17:19,891 isn't going that great. 465 00:17:19,926 --> 00:17:22,975 So I'd rather play Doodle Jump then think about that. 466 00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:25,975 Okay? I'm sorry, I really am. 467 00:17:27,208 --> 00:17:28,558 Go sit in your office 468 00:17:28,592 --> 00:17:31,808 while I consider whether to turn you in to the judge. 469 00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:34,975 And while you're there, neither doodle nor jump. 470 00:17:39,642 --> 00:17:43,374 Hey. I just wanted to come lend my support. 471 00:17:43,392 --> 00:17:44,831 What are you going to say out there? 472 00:17:44,832 --> 00:17:47,007 I don't know. I got censured, it's a big deal. 473 00:17:47,041 --> 00:17:49,925 Well, if you ask me, you were elected to lead 474 00:17:49,976 --> 00:17:51,341 and not to follow. 475 00:17:51,375 --> 00:17:53,641 Which is probably what I should've said 476 00:17:53,675 --> 00:17:55,007 instead of what I did say. 477 00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:56,674 I feel terrible about what I said too. 478 00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:58,207 No, you were right. 479 00:17:58,225 --> 00:18:00,374 I know, but I still feel terrible. 480 00:18:00,392 --> 00:18:01,724 I'm sorry, continue. 481 00:18:01,759 --> 00:18:04,007 I kind of lost myself in this relationship. 482 00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:06,207 I bought a lasso online, Leslie. 483 00:18:06,225 --> 00:18:07,307 Yikes. 484 00:18:07,342 --> 00:18:09,674 I turned all my jeans into Daisy Dukes. 485 00:18:09,708 --> 00:18:11,808 My personality kinda gets swept up 486 00:18:11,842 --> 00:18:15,040 in whatever guy I'm dating, and I want to change that. 487 00:18:15,058 --> 00:18:16,541 I broke it off with Ricky. 488 00:18:16,559 --> 00:18:18,037 Well, that's good, but I'll tell you, 489 00:18:18,041 --> 00:18:20,508 he'll never lasso another heifer 490 00:18:20,542 --> 00:18:24,090 as fine as you, Annie Oakley. 491 00:18:24,142 --> 00:18:26,374 The story of that commercial break is 492 00:18:26,408 --> 00:18:27,508 it's over. 493 00:18:27,542 --> 00:18:30,141 Leslie, what exactly does "censure" mean? 494 00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:32,057 It means that I have been formally disciplined 495 00:18:32,091 --> 00:18:33,591 for breaking the law. 496 00:18:33,642 --> 00:18:36,874 Well, you know what they say, "You break it, you buy it." 497 00:18:36,892 --> 00:18:38,357 That doesn't really apply here. 498 00:18:38,392 --> 00:18:40,391 Tell that to the folks at Pier 1, 499 00:18:40,425 --> 00:18:43,707 an establishment I'm no longer allowed inside. 500 00:18:43,725 --> 00:18:45,207 Perd, I'd like to apologize. 501 00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:46,508 Thank you. 502 00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:49,374 Apologize for the antiquated laws in this city. 503 00:18:49,392 --> 00:18:52,090 States that teach abstinence-only 504 00:18:52,142 --> 00:18:54,674 have the highest rates of teen pregnancy and STDs. 505 00:18:54,708 --> 00:18:56,591 To continue this policy is insane. 506 00:18:56,642 --> 00:19:00,040 Look, we all want the same thing, right? 507 00:19:00,058 --> 00:19:03,174 We want fewer unwanted pregnancies and fewer STDs. 508 00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:05,541 Why don't we use every weapon that we have? 509 00:19:05,559 --> 00:19:07,874 I know that most of you don't agree with me on this, 510 00:19:07,892 --> 00:19:11,057 but I'm going to fight very hard to change your minds, 511 00:19:11,091 --> 00:19:13,674 and until then, I will take this censure, 512 00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:17,707 and I will wear it proudly, like a badge of honor. 513 00:19:17,725 --> 00:19:19,224 Wow, strong words from a woman 514 00:19:19,258 --> 00:19:21,924 who is trying to pin a piece of paper to her blazer. 515 00:19:21,975 --> 00:19:25,374 Next up on the program, we hear from you, our fans, 516 00:19:25,392 --> 00:19:28,474 in our new segment, "Are you there, perd-verts? 517 00:19:28,509 --> 00:19:31,674 It's me, Perd, hosting a new segment." 518 00:19:31,708 --> 00:19:35,207 I'm so bored. 519 00:19:35,225 --> 00:19:36,474 I have something for you, son. 520 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,424 - My iPhone? - No. 521 00:19:38,475 --> 00:19:40,374 I am giving you a non-electronic book 522 00:19:40,392 --> 00:19:41,591 made of paper from a tree. 523 00:19:41,642 --> 00:19:46,040 It is called Auto Repair Manual: 1982. 524 00:19:46,058 --> 00:19:48,040 You will read this book from cover to cover, 525 00:19:48,058 --> 00:19:51,307 then you will assist me in repairing the damage to my car. 526 00:19:51,342 --> 00:19:53,307 I will not report you to the judge, 527 00:19:53,342 --> 00:19:55,873 but if you slip up again, you will have much more to fear 528 00:19:55,891 --> 00:19:58,391 than some feeble government employee in a robe. 529 00:19:58,425 --> 00:19:59,873 - Thanks. - Two more things. 530 00:19:59,891 --> 00:20:01,174 When you do get your phone back, 531 00:20:01,208 --> 00:20:02,635 you will not stare at it 532 00:20:02,636 --> 00:20:04,474 when you're talking with another human being. 533 00:20:04,509 --> 00:20:06,674 Look a man in the eye when you speak with him. 534 00:20:06,708 --> 00:20:08,641 And second, if you ever need 535 00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:12,257 to discuss your problems with someone... 536 00:20:12,308 --> 00:20:14,873 find Leslie. She lives for that crap. 537 00:20:14,891 --> 00:20:18,040 Get to work. 538 00:20:18,058 --> 00:20:20,508 They're killing me in the press. 539 00:20:20,542 --> 00:20:23,307 The Pawnee Sun is calling me "Loose-ly Grope." 540 00:20:23,342 --> 00:20:24,873 But you know what? I don't even care. 541 00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,130 I'm gonna kick all their asses! 542 00:20:26,131 --> 00:20:27,391 I am so fired up! 543 00:20:27,425 --> 00:20:29,674 I'm gonna go right now and drink, like, 1,000 Red Bulls 544 00:20:29,708 --> 00:20:32,341 so I can draft a new bill to undo abstinence-only. 545 00:20:32,375 --> 00:20:34,591 Man, you are just a machine. 546 00:20:34,642 --> 00:20:35,802 Get stuff done. 547 00:20:35,803 --> 00:20:38,040 Hey, why don't you send it to me when you have a draft? 548 00:20:38,041 --> 00:20:39,760 - I'll try to help. - You're the greatest. 549 00:20:39,794 --> 00:20:41,871 But you're gonna have to take out a lot of cursing, 550 00:20:41,872 --> 00:20:43,431 'cause like I said, I am very fired up. 551 00:20:43,432 --> 00:20:45,691 Well, you go get 'em. I love you. 552 00:20:45,725 --> 00:20:47,974 I love you too. What are you wearing? 553 00:20:48,008 --> 00:20:49,674 I can't do that right now. 554 00:20:50,811 --> 00:20:57,700 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 555 00:20:58,414 --> 00:21:01,898 - Yo, you ready to go? - Why, yes, I am, April! 556 00:21:02,141 --> 00:21:03,805 Let's go now! 557 00:21:03,807 --> 00:21:04,805 What's wrong with you? 558 00:21:04,807 --> 00:21:06,814 Wonderful! 559 00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:08,388 Hey, be careful out there. 560 00:21:08,508 --> 00:21:10,773 Traffic is nuts on the streets and roads. 561 00:21:10,775 --> 00:21:13,306 No! They got you! 562 00:21:14,891 --> 00:21:16,543 Terrific! Hey, I'm hungry. 563 00:21:16,639 --> 00:21:19,219 Let's go eat some batteries... I mean, human food. 564 00:21:19,221 --> 00:21:20,503 Hey, batteries... 565 00:21:20,505 --> 00:21:22,470 I mean, human food sounds good to me. 566 00:21:22,472 --> 00:21:23,566 Wonderful. 567 00:21:25,954 --> 00:21:28,136 Let's go.