1 00:00:01,580 --> 00:00:03,696 Merry Congratu-Christmas! 2 00:00:03,978 --> 00:00:05,095 - What? - Half "Merry Christmas," 3 00:00:05,147 --> 00:00:06,611 half "Congratulations," 4 00:00:06,613 --> 00:00:08,011 because I just received some news. 5 00:00:08,013 --> 00:00:11,445 You, Ron Swanson, have been nominated for an award 6 00:00:11,447 --> 00:00:13,562 from the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association. 7 00:00:13,564 --> 00:00:15,645 How did you hear about that? 8 00:00:15,647 --> 00:00:16,945 I've had a "Ron Swanson" Google alert 9 00:00:16,947 --> 00:00:19,178 for seven years and it finally paid off. 10 00:00:19,180 --> 00:00:22,312 Recently, I made a chair. 11 00:00:22,314 --> 00:00:26,195 When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair. 12 00:00:26,197 --> 00:00:29,645 I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association, 13 00:00:29,647 --> 00:00:33,512 who felt it merited consideration for an award. 14 00:00:33,514 --> 00:00:35,845 It's been a real whirlwind. 15 00:00:35,847 --> 00:00:36,995 I have to confess, 16 00:00:36,997 --> 00:00:38,895 I'm very honored by this nomination. 17 00:00:38,897 --> 00:00:40,062 Right? 18 00:00:40,064 --> 00:00:41,228 This might be the first time 19 00:00:41,230 --> 00:00:42,895 I've ever wanted to attend an event. 20 00:00:42,897 --> 00:00:44,745 Oh, my God, I love events! 21 00:00:44,797 --> 00:00:45,961 I can't wait to go tonight. 22 00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:47,262 Why are you going? 23 00:00:47,264 --> 00:00:49,095 As your self-appointed emotional guardian, 24 00:00:49,097 --> 00:00:51,595 it is my duty to love and support you. 25 00:00:51,597 --> 00:00:52,595 Plus, you know, this is a big deal. 26 00:00:52,597 --> 00:00:53,812 You shouldn't be there alone. 27 00:00:53,814 --> 00:00:55,512 That's correct. I'm bringing Diane. 28 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:56,678 Things are going very well with us. 29 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,762 Even better. I am very excited to meet Diane. 30 00:00:58,764 --> 00:01:00,628 You're not taking "no" for an answer, are you? 31 00:01:00,630 --> 00:01:01,645 Oh, I forgot to sing you 32 00:01:01,647 --> 00:01:03,295 my merry Congratu-Christmas carol. 33 00:01:06,181 --> 00:01:07,312 - Get out. - Yup. 34 00:01:10,314 --> 00:01:15,908 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 35 00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:29,978 How about the new sushi place in Eagleton? 36 00:01:29,980 --> 00:01:31,128 I'm allergic to sushi. 37 00:01:31,130 --> 00:01:33,812 Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf. 38 00:01:33,814 --> 00:01:35,928 Hey, Ann, you been to any swanky restaurants lately? 39 00:01:35,930 --> 00:01:37,346 - What's the occasion? - It's December. 40 00:01:37,348 --> 00:01:38,628 It's the time we celebrate 41 00:01:38,630 --> 00:01:40,978 our most sacred and special event: 42 00:01:46,797 --> 00:01:48,312 what the hell is Jerry Dinner? 43 00:01:48,314 --> 00:01:50,678 Every time we laugh at something stupid Jerry does, 44 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,728 we put a dollar in this box. 45 00:01:52,730 --> 00:01:54,845 At the end of the year, we take all the cash 46 00:01:54,847 --> 00:01:57,062 and treat ourselves to a fancy dinner. 47 00:01:57,064 --> 00:01:58,678 This year, we have... 48 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,628 $516. 49 00:02:01,630 --> 00:02:04,429 Aw, jeez! 50 00:02:04,431 --> 00:02:06,728 And that's 517. 51 00:02:06,730 --> 00:02:09,511 Oh! 52 00:02:09,513 --> 00:02:11,179 518. 53 00:02:11,181 --> 00:02:15,295 You guys, that's so mean. 54 00:02:15,297 --> 00:02:17,595 It's not mean if he doesn't know about it. 55 00:02:17,597 --> 00:02:19,678 It's like talking about people behind their backs. 56 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,762 - Everybody wins. - No. 57 00:02:21,764 --> 00:02:24,179 You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner. 58 00:02:24,181 --> 00:02:25,346 Ha! 59 00:02:25,348 --> 00:02:27,262 That's hilarious. You should do stand-up. 60 00:02:27,763 --> 00:02:29,928 If you're kidding, you suck, but if you're serious, 61 00:02:29,930 --> 00:02:31,645 I actually have been thinking about it. 62 00:02:32,347 --> 00:02:35,928 Hey, April, Matlock called. He wants his cardigan back. 63 00:02:35,930 --> 00:02:38,128 Boom! I'm out. 64 00:02:39,129 --> 00:02:40,145 Who's Matlock? 65 00:02:40,147 --> 00:02:41,346 Hey, bud. 66 00:02:41,348 --> 00:02:42,795 - Hey! - How are you? 67 00:02:42,797 --> 00:02:45,461 Great. I just finished making an entry in my dream journal. 68 00:02:46,363 --> 00:02:50,728 This time, the giant spider got caught in my web. 69 00:02:52,646 --> 00:02:53,845 Progress. 70 00:02:53,847 --> 00:02:56,396 So I feel like we haven't gotten a ton of time together 71 00:02:56,398 --> 00:02:57,978 since I got back from D.C. 72 00:02:57,980 --> 00:03:00,128 Well, we both are in serious relationships. 73 00:03:00,130 --> 00:03:02,961 You have Leslie and I have my therapist, 74 00:03:02,963 --> 00:03:05,346 Dr. Richard Nygard, who I see 15 times a week. 75 00:03:05,348 --> 00:03:08,595 Well, Leslie has plans tonight, so I'm solo. 76 00:03:08,597 --> 00:03:10,645 - You wanna hang out? - I'd love to. 77 00:03:10,647 --> 00:03:13,145 It—it'll be just like old times in Indianapolis. 78 00:03:13,377 --> 00:03:15,428 - We're back. - All right. 79 00:03:17,630 --> 00:03:20,095 Lots of hugs. 80 00:03:20,496 --> 00:03:23,229 Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Awards, 81 00:03:23,231 --> 00:03:25,645 or as I like to call it, heaven. 82 00:03:25,647 --> 00:03:27,128 - Ron. - Ah! 83 00:03:27,130 --> 00:03:29,179 Leslie, may I present Diane Lewis? 84 00:03:29,181 --> 00:03:30,628 - Oh. - Diane, this is Leslie Knope. 85 00:03:30,630 --> 00:03:33,179 Diane, wow. Ron has told me so much about you, 86 00:03:33,181 --> 00:03:35,312 in that he has told me your name is Diane, and you exist. 87 00:03:35,314 --> 00:03:36,312 Oh, yeah. 88 00:03:36,314 --> 00:03:37,478 He's not a big sharer. 89 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:38,978 I don't even know what his middle name is. 90 00:03:38,980 --> 00:03:40,346 Oh, it's Ulysses. 91 00:03:40,348 --> 00:03:41,978 I can see why he didn't tell me that. 92 00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:44,012 Mary, mother of God. 93 00:03:46,264 --> 00:03:47,812 That's Christian Becksvoort! 94 00:03:47,814 --> 00:03:49,762 He's the modern master of the Shaker style. 95 00:03:49,764 --> 00:03:52,511 I never dreamed that I would see him in the flesh. 96 00:03:52,513 --> 00:03:54,312 Go over and say hello. 97 00:03:54,314 --> 00:03:56,628 No, I'm sure he gets swamped with attention all the time. 98 00:03:57,130 --> 00:03:59,428 Ooh, if you ladies will excuse me, 99 00:03:59,430 --> 00:04:02,095 there is a jack plane that needs my attention. 100 00:04:02,097 --> 00:04:03,728 Go on then. 101 00:04:03,730 --> 00:04:05,812 So tell me everything about yourself: 102 00:04:05,814 --> 00:04:07,762 Your kids, your hobbies. 103 00:04:07,764 --> 00:04:08,812 What are your five biggest hopes, 104 00:04:08,814 --> 00:04:10,845 dreams, fears, and regrets? 105 00:04:12,129 --> 00:04:13,595 In honor of Jerry Dinner, 106 00:04:13,597 --> 00:04:17,128 let's each say our favorite Jerry moment from the past year. 107 00:04:17,130 --> 00:04:18,762 - Yes. - Mine was... 108 00:04:18,764 --> 00:04:20,395 The time he slipped on a cinnabon 109 00:04:20,397 --> 00:04:21,795 and landed in a bunch of garbage. 110 00:04:23,181 --> 00:04:26,345 My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue. 111 00:04:28,014 --> 00:04:29,678 My favorite Jerry moment is when 112 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,928 you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know. 113 00:04:32,930 --> 00:04:34,311 You're so cute 114 00:04:34,313 --> 00:04:35,345 when you're bullying, babe. 115 00:04:35,947 --> 00:04:37,311 You know what? Ann was right. 116 00:04:37,313 --> 00:04:40,012 This is mean. We are going to pick up Jerry. 117 00:04:40,014 --> 00:04:41,595 - What? - No! 118 00:04:41,597 --> 00:04:43,595 It's Christmastime. Don't you want to be good people? 119 00:04:43,597 --> 00:04:44,845 - Not really. - Never. 120 00:04:44,847 --> 00:04:45,845 Hey, if we're going that way, 121 00:04:45,847 --> 00:04:46,928 can we stop at our place real quick? 122 00:04:46,930 --> 00:04:48,428 'Cause I forgot to put on deodorant. 123 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:51,229 And a jacket and one of my socks. 124 00:04:51,231 --> 00:04:53,611 Plus, I gotta poop, but I could stop anywhere for that. 125 00:04:53,613 --> 00:04:56,845 I know you didn't, but if you had gone to Hogwarts Academy, 126 00:04:56,847 --> 00:04:58,262 which House do you think you would have been? 127 00:04:58,264 --> 00:05:00,229 Look, obviously, 128 00:05:00,231 --> 00:05:01,345 I want to say Gryffindor... 129 00:05:01,347 --> 00:05:02,961 But I've got to go with Hufflepuff. 130 00:05:02,963 --> 00:05:04,395 I respect your honesty. 131 00:05:04,397 --> 00:05:07,145 Gryffindor. Seeker on the Quidditch team. 132 00:05:07,147 --> 00:05:09,678 Diane, that's my chair, right there. 133 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,511 It's beautiful, Ron. Yours is the winner. 134 00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,428 I'm not sure I stand a chance. 135 00:05:14,430 --> 00:05:17,461 Hey, you most certainly do. 136 00:05:18,479 --> 00:05:20,095 They'd be crazy not to vote for you. 137 00:05:20,097 --> 00:05:21,345 Which one is Ron's? 138 00:05:21,347 --> 00:05:23,478 I don't know. 139 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,645 Smart, funny, independent, and sexy? 140 00:05:25,647 --> 00:05:29,145 Diane Lewis? More like Diane Sawyer. 141 00:05:29,946 --> 00:05:32,145 Whoa! What is going on at the Gergiches? 142 00:05:32,147 --> 00:05:33,478 Whoa. 143 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,645 Oh, my God! Jerry's having a Christmas party! 144 00:05:35,647 --> 00:05:37,095 I can't believe he didn't invite us. 145 00:05:37,097 --> 00:05:38,311 How dare he! 146 00:05:38,313 --> 00:05:39,428 What'd we ever do to him? 147 00:05:39,430 --> 00:05:40,762 It's probably just family. 148 00:05:40,764 --> 00:05:42,795 And Ben and Chris. 149 00:05:42,797 --> 00:05:46,179 And Ann. I didn't even know she knew Jerry. 150 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,628 Wow. The Gergiches really go all out. 151 00:05:49,630 --> 00:05:51,762 This is incredible. 152 00:05:51,764 --> 00:05:53,561 Mmm! This is literally 153 00:05:53,563 --> 00:05:55,978 the best non-fat eggnog I've ever had. 154 00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:58,728 Remain calm, but I think you just drank 155 00:05:58,730 --> 00:06:01,961 some of the regular, full-fat eggnog. 156 00:06:01,963 --> 00:06:04,261 Chris, one cup won't kill you. 157 00:06:04,263 --> 00:06:07,978 No, but it will add exactly 440 calories. 158 00:06:08,279 --> 00:06:11,561 But you know what? I'm fine. 159 00:06:12,063 --> 00:06:14,762 You only live once. 160 00:06:14,764 --> 00:06:17,261 Mmm! I don't know if you know this, 161 00:06:17,263 --> 00:06:18,461 but things with fat in them 162 00:06:18,463 --> 00:06:20,595 taste way better than things with no fat. 163 00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:22,645 Yeah, Chris— everybody knows that. 164 00:06:23,147 --> 00:06:25,678 Ron, guess why my thumbs are up. 165 00:06:25,980 --> 00:06:27,128 No. 166 00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:29,628 Because I'm giving you my 100% approval about Diane. 167 00:06:29,930 --> 00:06:32,012 She is perfect for you. She gets you. 168 00:06:32,114 --> 00:06:35,261 She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin, neat 169 00:06:35,263 --> 00:06:37,145 for you. I mean, she's even putting up 170 00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:40,511 with all this stupid, boring woodworking stuff. 171 00:06:40,513 --> 00:06:43,478 I'm sorry, but, you know, it's not the Super Bowl, guys. 172 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:45,095 Let's take it down a notch. 173 00:06:45,097 --> 00:06:47,294 Anyway, you have my approval. 174 00:06:47,296 --> 00:06:48,311 I don't need your approval. 175 00:06:48,313 --> 00:06:49,428 - But you have it. - Don't need it. 176 00:06:49,430 --> 00:06:51,795 But you got it. 177 00:06:51,797 --> 00:06:53,511 This could end up being 178 00:06:53,513 --> 00:06:55,478 the best night in Ron Swanson's life. 179 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:56,762 I am so, so happy for him— 180 00:06:56,764 --> 00:07:00,145 Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen. 181 00:07:00,147 --> 00:07:02,128 Wow, look at this room. 182 00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:05,145 So much wood, ready to be worked. 183 00:07:07,063 --> 00:07:08,012 me! 184 00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:13,361 Alert... alert, alert, alert. 185 00:07:13,796 --> 00:07:15,159 She's here, isn't she? 186 00:07:15,161 --> 00:07:18,827 Oh, hey, Ron. What a coincidence. 187 00:07:18,829 --> 00:07:20,993 Gosh, I never dreamed you'd be here. 188 00:07:20,995 --> 00:07:23,044 Tammy, this is Diane. 189 00:07:23,545 --> 00:07:26,343 Diane, this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy, 190 00:07:26,345 --> 00:07:27,677 who is also my ex-wife. 191 00:07:27,679 --> 00:07:29,677 Twice ex-wife. We were married twice. 192 00:07:29,679 --> 00:07:30,877 And divorced twice. 193 00:07:30,879 --> 00:07:32,960 Everything is done. They are totally done. 194 00:07:32,962 --> 00:07:34,677 Tammy, what are you doing here? 195 00:07:35,119 --> 00:07:38,493 Oh, I just have a little something I need to get drilled. 196 00:07:38,745 --> 00:07:40,627 Can I speak with you for a moment? 197 00:07:40,629 --> 00:07:42,426 Everything's fine, we're just gonna chat. 198 00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:46,077 Shouldn't you be at the library, forcing people to borrow books? 199 00:07:46,079 --> 00:07:47,209 Leslie, you and I both know 200 00:07:47,211 --> 00:07:48,760 that the library closes at 3:00 p.m. 201 00:07:48,762 --> 00:07:50,260 Of course it does. 202 00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,760 Besides, I like to keep tabs on Ron. 203 00:07:51,762 --> 00:07:53,409 So you can ruin his life? 204 00:07:53,411 --> 00:07:54,843 So I can have fun with him, 205 00:07:54,845 --> 00:07:57,910 and sometimes ruining his life can be a part of that, sure. 206 00:07:57,912 --> 00:07:59,760 This may be the hardest challenge yet 207 00:07:59,762 --> 00:08:01,242 for Leslie Knope, emotional guardian. 208 00:08:01,244 --> 00:08:03,293 I need to protect a sweet couple 209 00:08:03,295 --> 00:08:05,260 from a sex-crazed demon librarian 210 00:08:05,262 --> 00:08:08,010 who makes me question my stance on using the "B" word. 211 00:08:08,012 --> 00:08:09,426 I don't know, maybe just this once. 212 00:08:09,428 --> 00:08:12,409 No, Leslie, fight it. Fight it. 213 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:15,743 It looks warm in there! 214 00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:16,927 Warm and happy. 215 00:08:16,929 --> 00:08:19,376 Mm, look at that gingerbread man. 216 00:08:19,378 --> 00:08:21,543 What? I don't see any gingerbread cookies. 217 00:08:21,545 --> 00:08:23,409 I'm talking about that jacked-up, light-skinned dude. 218 00:08:23,411 --> 00:08:24,760 Look like Blake Griffin. 219 00:08:25,261 --> 00:08:26,593 You guys! 220 00:08:26,595 --> 00:08:29,426 There's a buffet— in the house! 221 00:08:29,928 --> 00:08:31,209 I didn't even know you could do that! 222 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,677 We need to crash this party. 223 00:08:33,712 --> 00:08:35,861 Ann, let us in. 224 00:08:36,962 --> 00:08:38,210 Let's go. 225 00:08:40,294 --> 00:08:41,426 Well, well, well. 226 00:08:41,428 --> 00:08:44,576 You want to come into Jerry's party? 227 00:08:44,578 --> 00:08:45,927 And why is that? 228 00:08:45,929 --> 00:08:47,743 I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann. 229 00:08:47,745 --> 00:08:49,093 It's coming out of me right now. I'm pregnant. 230 00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:51,543 This is a lovely party 231 00:08:51,545 --> 00:08:54,293 thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. 232 00:08:54,295 --> 00:08:56,043 There's no place for meanies. 233 00:08:56,045 --> 00:08:58,209 Aw, forget it, I'm coming in. 234 00:08:58,211 --> 00:08:59,209 Ow! 235 00:08:59,211 --> 00:09:00,793 - Get off me. - Wait. 236 00:09:01,294 --> 00:09:02,743 You're so weak, really? 237 00:09:02,745 --> 00:09:03,793 I mean, 238 00:09:03,795 --> 00:09:05,209 I'm barely even doing anything. 239 00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:07,293 Are you iron-deficient? Let me look at your palm. 240 00:09:07,295 --> 00:09:09,627 Ow. It's because of your man strength, 241 00:09:10,019 --> 00:09:11,209 Man Perkins. 242 00:09:11,211 --> 00:09:12,460 Let us in, Ann. 243 00:09:12,462 --> 00:09:13,793 It's cold outside, and I can't wear mittens 244 00:09:13,795 --> 00:09:15,710 'cause they're unflattering to my hands. 245 00:09:15,712 --> 00:09:17,460 Sorry, guys. This is your penance. 246 00:09:17,462 --> 00:09:19,910 You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry. 247 00:09:19,912 --> 00:09:22,043 Hey, I already did something nice for Jerry. 248 00:09:22,045 --> 00:09:24,376 I drove here to take him to Jerry Dinner. 249 00:09:24,378 --> 00:09:26,743 Oh, Donna. You can come in. 250 00:09:26,745 --> 00:09:27,760 Okay. 251 00:09:27,762 --> 00:09:28,910 What? What about us? 252 00:09:28,912 --> 00:09:31,093 - What? Donna! - Merry critches, bitches! 253 00:09:31,095 --> 00:09:32,760 Donna, don't leave us! Donna? 254 00:09:32,762 --> 00:09:34,076 Oh, well, whatever. 255 00:09:34,078 --> 00:09:36,293 It's Jerry's party. How cool could it be? 256 00:09:36,595 --> 00:09:37,710 Santa! 257 00:09:37,712 --> 00:09:39,076 - They have a Santa! - Oh, my God. 258 00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:40,743 - What? - Aw! 259 00:09:40,745 --> 00:09:44,743 Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association Awards. 260 00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:49,093 I'm your host, Martin Housely, 261 00:09:49,095 --> 00:09:50,293 and wow, it's gonna be a great show— 262 00:09:50,295 --> 00:09:51,293 knock on wood. 263 00:09:53,345 --> 00:09:55,743 - That's good. - Oh, my gosh. 264 00:09:55,745 --> 00:09:57,743 What a coinky-dinky. Look, we're sitting at the same table! 265 00:09:57,745 --> 00:10:00,677 Tammy, this table is reserved. 266 00:10:00,679 --> 00:10:02,843 A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. 267 00:10:02,845 --> 00:10:04,843 That's my boob and my butt, respectively. 268 00:10:04,845 --> 00:10:06,877 Remember that, Ron? 269 00:10:06,879 --> 00:10:08,260 Subtle. 270 00:10:08,262 --> 00:10:09,910 Well, you know, they asked me if I would host this event, 271 00:10:09,912 --> 00:10:13,910 and I said, "Would I?" 272 00:10:14,411 --> 00:10:16,409 Ben, come meet Jerry's wife. 273 00:10:16,411 --> 00:10:17,343 Gayle? 274 00:10:18,928 --> 00:10:22,409 - Happy holidays, Chris. - It's so good to see you. 275 00:10:22,411 --> 00:10:23,543 I have someone I'd like you to meet. 276 00:10:23,545 --> 00:10:26,076 I'm Gayle Gergich. 277 00:10:27,344 --> 00:10:29,543 Gayle— you're Gayle? 278 00:10:29,545 --> 00:10:30,959 Jerry's beautiful wife... 279 00:10:30,961 --> 00:10:33,593 - Oh. - Who looks like that. 280 00:10:33,595 --> 00:10:34,910 Gayle, I hope you're not 281 00:10:34,912 --> 00:10:37,009 in any way uncomfortable that I'm here, 282 00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:40,043 - since I dated your daughter. - Oh, not at all. 283 00:10:40,045 --> 00:10:42,093 You're welcome here any time. 284 00:10:42,395 --> 00:10:45,209 Oops, there's a little hair on your shoulder. 285 00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:46,409 Oh. 286 00:10:46,411 --> 00:10:50,209 Well, look who's a silver fox. 287 00:10:50,211 --> 00:10:52,926 Will you look at that? 288 00:10:52,928 --> 00:10:54,877 I'm sorry, you're okay? 289 00:10:54,879 --> 00:10:57,076 You don't feel like your body is in decay 290 00:10:57,078 --> 00:10:58,343 or death is inevitable? 291 00:10:58,345 --> 00:11:02,576 My, my. Somebody's being a gloomy goose. 292 00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:06,093 Yeah. Relax, gloomy goose. 293 00:11:06,095 --> 00:11:10,627 Welcome, everybody, to another Gergich Christmas. 294 00:11:10,629 --> 00:11:13,043 Sadly, one of our three beautiful angels, 295 00:11:13,045 --> 00:11:14,376 Millicent, couldn't be here tonight, 296 00:11:14,378 --> 00:11:17,293 but our other two beauties— Miriam and Gladys— 297 00:11:17,295 --> 00:11:20,293 are going to help Gayle and me play a little tune. 298 00:11:47,712 --> 00:11:49,076 I'm going to call a cab. 299 00:11:49,078 --> 00:11:51,009 Why does everyone act like Jerry's the victim here? 300 00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:52,209 He's the one that didn't invite us 301 00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:54,343 to his Christmas party. 302 00:11:54,345 --> 00:11:56,843 - Jerry Filter! - Jerry Filter! 303 00:11:56,845 --> 00:11:58,293 Who's Jerry Filter? 304 00:11:58,295 --> 00:12:01,093 Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends a lot of annoying emails. 305 00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:03,710 So a while ago, I put a filter on all our accounts. 306 00:12:03,712 --> 00:12:06,376 Everything from Jerry goes directly to spam. 307 00:12:06,378 --> 00:12:09,209 A-a-and... 308 00:12:09,211 --> 00:12:11,710 Here's our invitation. 309 00:12:11,712 --> 00:12:13,909 There's three years of nice messages on here. 310 00:12:13,911 --> 00:12:15,460 "Congratulations on your wedding. 311 00:12:15,462 --> 00:12:17,593 I'm rooting for you kids. Jerry." 312 00:12:17,595 --> 00:12:19,093 "Hope you have the best birthday, Tom." 313 00:12:19,395 --> 00:12:22,126 I just tied my high score in Snake. 314 00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:27,943 Our next award is for "Achievement in Chairs." 315 00:12:27,945 --> 00:12:31,426 The nominees are: Asa Christiana for chair, 316 00:12:31,428 --> 00:12:33,426 Ron Swanson for chair, 317 00:12:33,428 --> 00:12:36,043 - H.W. Davenport for chair. - So exciting, Ron. 318 00:12:36,045 --> 00:12:38,510 Okay, Ron, this is your moment. 319 00:12:38,512 --> 00:12:40,376 Tune her out. She's not even here. 320 00:12:40,378 --> 00:12:42,043 And the winner is... 321 00:12:42,045 --> 00:12:43,842 Ron Swanson for chair. 322 00:12:43,844 --> 00:12:46,909 Oh, wow! Whoo! 323 00:12:54,910 --> 00:12:58,926 This award is the only one I'd ever give a damn about. 324 00:13:00,344 --> 00:13:03,543 I made my first chair when I was five, 325 00:13:03,545 --> 00:13:05,627 but the quality of the wood was wanting, 326 00:13:05,629 --> 00:13:08,593 so when I turned nine, I used my factory wages 327 00:13:08,595 --> 00:13:11,576 to purchase some beautiful local walnut. 328 00:13:13,910 --> 00:13:16,743 Uh, thank you... for this... 329 00:13:16,745 --> 00:13:19,876 Uh, this all good— night good. 330 00:13:19,878 --> 00:13:22,260 Uh... 331 00:13:22,562 --> 00:13:24,293 There it is. 332 00:13:31,761 --> 00:13:33,293 Hey, you're looking at a picture of Millie. 333 00:13:33,295 --> 00:13:35,426 You want to take off, grab some vegan fries? 334 00:13:35,428 --> 00:13:37,260 She really was delightful. 335 00:13:37,262 --> 00:13:39,409 I truly wish her all the best. 336 00:13:39,411 --> 00:13:43,043 Man, maybe going to therapy 1,000 times a week is helping. 337 00:13:43,045 --> 00:13:44,792 I mean, if you'd seen that picture a month ago, 338 00:13:44,794 --> 00:13:46,009 you would have fallen apart. 339 00:13:46,511 --> 00:13:48,076 It's just a picture. 340 00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,710 - Millie! - Hi, mom! 341 00:13:51,178 --> 00:13:53,209 We wanted to surprise you and come home early. 342 00:13:54,512 --> 00:13:56,426 Oh, hey, Chris. 343 00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:59,043 Hi. 344 00:13:59,045 --> 00:14:01,209 Let's take a moment now to remember 345 00:14:01,211 --> 00:14:03,593 those woodworkers who are no longer with us, 346 00:14:03,595 --> 00:14:07,242 and the beautiful coffins they all designed themselves. 347 00:14:10,761 --> 00:14:11,759 Hey. 348 00:14:11,761 --> 00:14:13,260 - Hey. - Have you seen Ron? 349 00:14:13,262 --> 00:14:15,909 He disappeared after the speech and I can't find him anywhere. 350 00:14:15,911 --> 00:14:18,409 Diane— ugh. The stuff with Tammy 351 00:14:18,411 --> 00:14:20,759 is so complex and weird and gross. 352 00:14:20,761 --> 00:14:23,242 It just would probably be better if you let me handle it. 353 00:14:23,244 --> 00:14:24,742 I'm not worried about Tammy. 354 00:14:24,744 --> 00:14:26,909 I mean, I'm a middle school vice-principal. 355 00:14:26,911 --> 00:14:29,209 I deal with hormonal psychopaths all the time. 356 00:14:29,211 --> 00:14:30,677 Oh, great. Good. 357 00:14:30,679 --> 00:14:33,242 - What concerns me is you. - You who? 358 00:14:33,244 --> 00:14:34,876 - You you. - You me? 359 00:14:34,878 --> 00:14:36,409 You're the one who's been at his side all night. 360 00:14:36,411 --> 00:14:37,742 You're the one who's been protecting him, 361 00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:39,709 you're the one who knows all the intimate details 362 00:14:39,711 --> 00:14:41,510 of his romantic history with that monster. 363 00:14:41,512 --> 00:14:43,593 Oh, no, no, no, no. Diane, you misunderstand. 364 00:14:43,595 --> 00:14:45,176 I'm happily engaged. 365 00:14:45,178 --> 00:14:48,176 You and Ron have an intimacy that I just don't understand, 366 00:14:48,178 --> 00:14:50,510 so if there is a threat to my relationship with Ron, 367 00:14:50,512 --> 00:14:53,926 it's not Tammy. It's you. 368 00:14:53,928 --> 00:14:56,093 Okay, folks, fasten your seatbelts. 369 00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:58,926 It's the big one: Best Desk. 370 00:15:02,682 --> 00:15:04,231 Where's Diane? I need her. 371 00:15:04,481 --> 00:15:05,929 - She left. - Of course. 372 00:15:05,931 --> 00:15:07,179 Tammy ruins everything. 373 00:15:07,181 --> 00:15:08,546 No, she left because of me. 374 00:15:09,147 --> 00:15:11,312 She's threatened by our relationship. 375 00:15:13,847 --> 00:15:14,762 That's ridiculous. 376 00:15:14,764 --> 00:15:17,096 I don't think of you romantically. 377 00:15:17,098 --> 00:15:19,429 You're pro-government, you never stop talking, 378 00:15:19,431 --> 00:15:21,729 and you have blonde hair. You're my worst nightmare. 379 00:15:21,731 --> 00:15:23,513 Excuse me, one man's "worst nightmare" 380 00:15:23,515 --> 00:15:26,396 is every other man's "total package." 381 00:15:26,398 --> 00:15:28,379 But the point is, I don't think it's about dating. 382 00:15:28,381 --> 00:15:30,546 I kind of see where Diane is coming from. 383 00:15:30,548 --> 00:15:33,712 We are close friends, and I'm very involved in your life. 384 00:15:33,714 --> 00:15:34,979 I wouldn't say we're close. 385 00:15:34,981 --> 00:15:36,929 By Swanson standards, we're close. 386 00:15:36,931 --> 00:15:38,096 I know when your birthday is. 387 00:15:38,098 --> 00:15:39,513 So does Baskin-Robbins. 388 00:15:39,515 --> 00:15:41,979 I know that you secretly love artichokes 389 00:15:41,981 --> 00:15:43,812 - and plums. - Keep your voice down, woman! 390 00:15:45,397 --> 00:15:47,762 Fine, we're friends. So what do I do? 391 00:15:48,064 --> 00:15:49,679 Tammy's waiting for me in my car. 392 00:15:50,181 --> 00:15:52,729 I think you should take my car and go get Diane, 393 00:15:52,731 --> 00:15:55,179 and I will handle Tammy. 394 00:15:55,481 --> 00:15:56,396 Thank you. 395 00:15:56,398 --> 00:15:58,129 Protect your eyes, she's a gouger. 396 00:15:58,231 --> 00:15:59,045 Good to know. 397 00:15:59,297 --> 00:16:01,812 Chris, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Carl. 398 00:16:01,814 --> 00:16:03,479 - Well. - Hi, there. 399 00:16:03,481 --> 00:16:05,562 Hi. How did you two meet? 400 00:16:05,564 --> 00:16:06,562 Whitewater rafting. 401 00:16:06,564 --> 00:16:08,429 He was the young rafting instructor 402 00:16:08,431 --> 00:16:09,678 all the girls were into, 403 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,262 and I was the young rafting instructor 404 00:16:11,264 --> 00:16:12,396 all the guys were into... 405 00:16:12,398 --> 00:16:14,128 And then we got together. 406 00:16:14,130 --> 00:16:15,795 Ah, so random, right? 407 00:16:15,797 --> 00:16:19,062 What a story! I felt like my heart was whitewater rafting. 408 00:16:19,064 --> 00:16:20,845 Well, I won't keep you guys. 409 00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:22,145 It's good to see you. Mwah. 410 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,562 Oh, little tip, there is fat in the eggnog. 411 00:16:24,564 --> 00:16:25,895 Okay. 412 00:16:26,397 --> 00:16:28,479 So how'd it go? You okay? 413 00:16:29,981 --> 00:16:31,462 I'm fine. 414 00:16:31,464 --> 00:16:32,979 If therapy has taught me anything, 415 00:16:32,981 --> 00:16:34,795 it's that I need to face my fears, 416 00:16:34,797 --> 00:16:37,479 even when my fears are engaged to a man 417 00:16:37,481 --> 00:16:40,145 with the chiseled jawline of a young me. 418 00:16:40,147 --> 00:16:41,595 Thank you, Ben. 419 00:16:41,597 --> 00:16:42,762 Thank me? For what? 420 00:16:42,764 --> 00:16:44,962 For looking out for me tonight. 421 00:16:44,964 --> 00:16:46,479 You're a good friend. 422 00:16:46,980 --> 00:16:49,012 Hey... 423 00:16:49,014 --> 00:16:50,795 So Gayle and Jerry— 424 00:16:50,797 --> 00:16:53,512 I've thought about it a lot. There's no logical explanation. 425 00:16:57,014 --> 00:16:58,845 Well, hello there, Big B— 426 00:16:58,847 --> 00:17:02,312 Gross! Leslie? Where's Ron? 427 00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:03,979 Too late, Tammy. Ron's gone. 428 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,295 You'll never get him back. 429 00:17:05,297 --> 00:17:08,062 Wanna bet? That relationship is weak. 430 00:17:08,064 --> 00:17:11,479 All I have to do is find Ron within the next few hours, 431 00:17:11,481 --> 00:17:12,962 and he's toast. 432 00:17:12,964 --> 00:17:15,628 Few hours, you say? 433 00:17:15,630 --> 00:17:16,678 Leslie! 434 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,396 Stop this car! Where are we going? 435 00:17:18,398 --> 00:17:19,895 I don't know. 436 00:17:19,897 --> 00:17:21,962 You're gonna regret this! 437 00:17:23,629 --> 00:17:24,762 Well, hello again. 438 00:17:24,764 --> 00:17:26,429 You ready to be nice to Jerry? 439 00:17:26,431 --> 00:17:28,645 Because it's so cold out here, 440 00:17:28,947 --> 00:17:30,762 it reminds me of my wife's lasagna. 441 00:17:30,764 --> 00:17:32,628 I actually like that one. 442 00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:35,095 Hey, guys! I thought you weren't coming. 443 00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,229 I—you know, never got your RSVP: 444 00:17:37,231 --> 00:17:40,479 Hi, Jerry. We got you a gift. Merry Christmas. 445 00:17:40,481 --> 00:17:41,762 Yeah, just— 446 00:17:41,764 --> 00:17:43,795 we took up a collection to pay your hospital bills, 447 00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:46,645 since you almost farted yourself to death. 448 00:17:46,647 --> 00:17:48,095 Every time we did something mean, 449 00:17:48,097 --> 00:17:49,962 we put a dollar in a box. 450 00:17:49,964 --> 00:17:52,929 Wow. I'm the luckiest man on earth. 451 00:17:53,431 --> 00:17:55,511 Okay, well, come on in! It's a party. 452 00:18:01,263 --> 00:18:03,595 Uh— Oh, jeez. 453 00:18:03,597 --> 00:18:06,179 - Give me the keys! - No! 454 00:18:06,181 --> 00:18:08,429 - Give 'em to me! - Never! 455 00:18:08,431 --> 00:18:10,479 Hey, game over, Tammy. 456 00:18:10,481 --> 00:18:13,262 - What? You—! - Ah! 457 00:18:13,264 --> 00:18:14,962 I'm going in! 458 00:18:19,981 --> 00:18:22,346 Oh, my God, I am so turned on right now. 459 00:18:22,348 --> 00:18:23,929 What is wrong with you? 460 00:18:23,931 --> 00:18:25,561 Oh, yeah, tell me you're not feeling this. 461 00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:27,062 You are so crazy! 462 00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:28,312 I got 'em! 463 00:18:28,314 --> 00:18:29,396 - I got 'em. - No! 464 00:18:30,814 --> 00:18:32,062 - No! - Ah! 465 00:18:32,064 --> 00:18:33,229 You'll never catch me! 466 00:18:33,231 --> 00:18:34,845 Come back here— Ow! 467 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,012 You are not 468 00:18:36,014 --> 00:18:37,095 gonna ruin this night! 469 00:18:37,097 --> 00:18:38,561 - Get away from this car! - No! 470 00:18:39,063 --> 00:18:40,396 What are you doing? 471 00:18:40,398 --> 00:18:41,762 You're crazy! 472 00:18:41,764 --> 00:18:44,461 Ron! Ron! Ha! 473 00:18:44,463 --> 00:18:45,461 You're too late! 474 00:18:46,764 --> 00:18:49,561 No! No, no, no, no, no, no! 475 00:18:50,562 --> 00:18:54,329 She just knows you so well, and I was starting to wonder 476 00:18:54,331 --> 00:18:56,145 if I was ever gonna get to that point. 477 00:18:56,437 --> 00:18:58,179 I'm worried that maybe 478 00:18:58,181 --> 00:19:00,396 there isn't room in your life for another woman. 479 00:19:00,398 --> 00:19:03,346 At this very moment, Leslie is throwing herself 480 00:19:03,348 --> 00:19:07,429 in front of a freight train named Tammy for me and you. 481 00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,979 Leslie is a wonderful, loyal friend, 482 00:19:09,981 --> 00:19:11,929 who is very important in my life, 483 00:19:11,931 --> 00:19:14,229 but I would sooner visit Europe 484 00:19:14,231 --> 00:19:16,812 than have something romantic happen between us. 485 00:19:16,814 --> 00:19:20,295 Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, 486 00:19:20,297 --> 00:19:22,762 I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it. 487 00:19:23,364 --> 00:19:25,561 But not France, right? 488 00:19:25,563 --> 00:19:26,595 God, no. 489 00:19:28,797 --> 00:19:31,262 See? You know me pretty well already, 490 00:19:31,264 --> 00:19:34,396 but you're about to get to know me even better. 491 00:19:34,398 --> 00:19:37,062 I brought you here because I want to show you something 492 00:19:37,064 --> 00:19:38,929 that almost no one knows about— 493 00:19:38,931 --> 00:19:42,478 certainly not Tammy, and not even Leslie Knope. 494 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:46,062 Ladies and gentleman, and especially the ladies, 495 00:19:46,064 --> 00:19:49,229 put your hands together for the one, the only, 496 00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:52,295 my man, Mr. Duke Silver. 497 00:19:56,181 --> 00:19:59,012 A mighty fine holiday evening to you all. 498 00:19:59,014 --> 00:20:02,262 - Yeah. - It might be cold outside, 499 00:20:02,264 --> 00:20:05,595 but it's about to get warm all up in my jazz. 500 00:20:06,597 --> 00:20:08,645 I, of course, am Duke Silver, 501 00:20:08,647 --> 00:20:11,628 and I would like to dedicate this first song... 502 00:20:11,630 --> 00:20:12,962 To my duchess. 503 00:20:18,297 --> 00:20:20,312 You're so lucky. 504 00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:24,845 I'm going to kill you. 505 00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:33,295 I think it's time to officially retire 506 00:20:33,297 --> 00:20:36,295 as Ron's emotional guardian. That's Diane's job now, 507 00:20:36,297 --> 00:20:38,628 and she seems more than up to the task. 508 00:20:38,630 --> 00:20:41,312 I mean, I'd do anything for Ron— 509 00:20:41,314 --> 00:20:44,795 even spend a whole night fighting his crazy ex-wife. 510 00:20:45,097 --> 00:20:48,795 But I think I'm safe. She's gotta be tired by now. 511 00:20:48,797 --> 00:20:49,812 Hi. 512 00:20:50,895 --> 00:20:56,905 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 513 00:20:57,390 --> 00:20:59,372 - Officer Skorggel. - I pulled over 514 00:20:59,473 --> 00:21:02,722 a Tammy Swanson for driving erratically. 515 00:21:02,773 --> 00:21:04,538 Ran the plates, saw it was your car. 516 00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:06,039 Figured it was stolen. 517 00:21:06,173 --> 00:21:08,006 Hey, Ron, why don't you get me out of these handcuffs, 518 00:21:08,024 --> 00:21:10,505 so I can put you into these handcuffs. 519 00:21:10,523 --> 00:21:12,906 Yes, please officer, get her out of those cuffs. 520 00:21:12,940 --> 00:21:14,338 I want this to be a fair fight. 521 00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:17,839 Officer, did you see any sign of a passenger? 522 00:21:19,256 --> 00:21:20,338 Ron! 523 00:21:20,473 --> 00:21:21,405 There we go. 524 00:21:21,690 --> 00:21:23,089 Hey! 525 00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:27,484 Help.