1 00:00:00,642 --> 00:00:02,280 If I could sum up the Pawnee Commons 2 00:00:02,292 --> 00:00:04,410 in one word, it would be: 3 00:00:04,842 --> 00:00:06,210 Dynamite. 4 00:00:06,212 --> 00:00:09,280 "Dynamite" stands for daring, youth-friendly, 5 00:00:09,282 --> 00:00:11,782 natural, amazing, merry, inviting, 6 00:00:11,784 --> 00:00:14,952 tourist attraction-y, and eco-friendly. 7 00:00:14,954 --> 00:00:16,504 Thank you, Councilwoman Knope... 8 00:00:16,506 --> 00:00:17,639 very, very thorough 9 00:00:17,641 --> 00:00:19,891 - and so many acronyms. - I know. 10 00:00:19,893 --> 00:00:20,892 Councilman Jamm? 11 00:00:20,894 --> 00:00:21,893 Thank you, Bill. 12 00:00:21,895 --> 00:00:24,462 No, please, everyone be seated. 13 00:00:24,464 --> 00:00:27,797 Let the record show there was a standing ovation. 14 00:00:28,051 --> 00:00:29,550 - No, there wasn't. - There was not. 15 00:00:29,552 --> 00:00:30,668 History will decide. 16 00:00:30,670 --> 00:00:32,971 My plan for lot 48 is simple. 17 00:00:32,973 --> 00:00:34,305 But why read it 18 00:00:34,307 --> 00:00:37,392 when you can shove it right in your face? 19 00:00:37,394 --> 00:00:38,693 I want to sell this lot to Paunch Burger. 20 00:00:38,695 --> 00:00:39,694 Here's why. 21 00:00:39,696 --> 00:00:41,178 We make money. They make money. 22 00:00:41,180 --> 00:00:43,147 They make burgers. We eat burgers. 23 00:00:43,149 --> 00:00:44,148 Mmhmm. 24 00:00:44,150 --> 00:00:46,401 That's a win-win-win-win. 25 00:00:46,403 --> 00:00:48,286 Presentation over. Jamm out. 26 00:00:48,288 --> 00:00:49,520 Oh, man. 27 00:00:49,522 --> 00:00:51,572 Are there curly fries? I love their curly fries. 28 00:00:51,574 --> 00:00:53,190 Ann. 29 00:00:53,192 --> 00:00:55,126 Well, the planning commission has a week to decide 30 00:00:55,128 --> 00:00:58,129 if they want a beautiful, innovative community park 31 00:00:58,131 --> 00:01:00,248 or a bunch of greasy lard bombs. 32 00:01:00,250 --> 00:01:01,549 I'm not editorializing. 33 00:01:01,551 --> 00:01:03,968 Paunch Burger's number-one-selling burger 34 00:01:03,970 --> 00:01:05,770 is the greasy lard bomb. 35 00:01:05,772 --> 00:01:08,089 Just give me a hint as to which way you guys are leaning. 36 00:01:08,091 --> 00:01:10,308 Off the record? We're leaning towards Jamm. 37 00:01:10,310 --> 00:01:12,510 Why? You know my plan is better for the community. 38 00:01:12,512 --> 00:01:15,845 Oh, it's way better, but you're also short $50,000. 39 00:01:16,049 --> 00:01:18,149 We can't approve an underfunded project. 40 00:01:18,151 --> 00:01:19,550 Hey, get the rest of the money, 41 00:01:19,552 --> 00:01:21,052 you get your park. 42 00:01:21,054 --> 00:01:22,520 You only have a week. 43 00:01:22,522 --> 00:01:24,272 What are we going to do, guys? 44 00:01:24,274 --> 00:01:25,657 How are we going to get that money? 45 00:01:25,659 --> 00:01:28,409 Hey, come on. Cheer up, little pups. 46 00:01:28,411 --> 00:01:29,577 Registering for your wedding 47 00:01:29,579 --> 00:01:31,195 is the most important moment of your lives. 48 00:01:31,197 --> 00:01:33,031 Love... love fades away. 49 00:01:33,033 --> 00:01:36,117 But things... 50 00:01:36,119 --> 00:01:37,952 - Things are forever. - That's beautiful. 51 00:01:37,954 --> 00:01:39,787 Did the Dalai Lama say that? 52 00:01:39,789 --> 00:01:42,623 Ooh! A citrus reamer! 53 00:01:42,625 --> 00:01:44,625 Oh, this is the only way to ream citrus. 54 00:01:44,627 --> 00:01:45,626 You're gonna need two of these. 55 00:01:45,628 --> 00:01:46,678 I don't want a citrus reamer. 56 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,079 I don't want any of this stuff. 57 00:01:48,081 --> 00:01:50,581 Look, all I want is to be married to you 58 00:01:50,583 --> 00:01:53,551 and to somehow get $50,000. 59 00:01:53,553 --> 00:01:55,419 Hey, hang on. 60 00:01:55,421 --> 00:01:58,056 What if we register for the park instead of the stuff? 61 00:01:58,058 --> 00:02:00,558 We could organize a black-tie gala 62 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:01,642 with food and music 63 00:02:01,644 --> 00:02:03,728 and maybe a silent auction to raise money. 64 00:02:03,730 --> 00:02:05,146 Yeah, and people could donate, 65 00:02:05,148 --> 00:02:06,647 or they could bid to put their names 66 00:02:06,649 --> 00:02:07,649 on everything in the park, 67 00:02:07,650 --> 00:02:09,283 like benches, cobblestones, 68 00:02:09,285 --> 00:02:10,818 trees, ants, air. 69 00:02:10,820 --> 00:02:12,070 Right, some of that is possible. 70 00:02:12,072 --> 00:02:13,705 - You are a genius. Let's go. - Okay. 71 00:02:13,707 --> 00:02:14,872 Hey, guys. 72 00:02:14,874 --> 00:02:18,042 I'm really feeling these sheets... very cozy. 73 00:02:21,047 --> 00:02:25,380 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 74 00:02:38,230 --> 00:02:39,897 I just want to say thank you 75 00:02:39,899 --> 00:02:41,349 for all your hard work this week. 76 00:02:41,351 --> 00:02:42,400 Give yourselves a hand. 77 00:02:44,104 --> 00:02:45,686 But your applause is premature. 78 00:02:45,688 --> 00:02:47,271 You just told us to applaud. 79 00:02:47,273 --> 00:02:49,407 Well, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? 80 00:02:49,409 --> 00:02:51,025 I hope so, because the only way 81 00:02:51,027 --> 00:02:52,160 that this gala is going to happen 82 00:02:52,162 --> 00:02:53,411 is if you do everything I say. 83 00:02:53,413 --> 00:02:54,912 Tom, I need you to contact 84 00:02:54,914 --> 00:02:56,447 three more food vendors on this list, 85 00:02:56,449 --> 00:02:57,698 and they need to do it for free. 86 00:02:57,700 --> 00:02:58,866 I'm omelet. 87 00:02:58,868 --> 00:02:59,951 Get it? "I'm on it,"I'm omelet"? 88 00:02:59,953 --> 00:03:01,169 I get it, and I love it, 89 00:03:01,171 --> 00:03:02,787 but I don't have time for food puns right now. 90 00:03:02,789 --> 00:03:03,871 Okay, I'm heading out. Good-pie. 91 00:03:03,873 --> 00:03:05,206 Go. 92 00:03:05,208 --> 00:03:07,208 Gurt. Go-gurt. I'm incredible. 93 00:03:07,210 --> 00:03:08,209 See you guys. 94 00:03:08,211 --> 00:03:09,210 Okay. Donna, Jerry... 95 00:03:10,213 --> 00:03:11,495 Leslie! 96 00:03:11,497 --> 00:03:13,631 Leslie, we need you back at the command center right now! 97 00:03:13,633 --> 00:03:15,183 We have a class-one city emergency. 98 00:03:15,185 --> 00:03:16,801 Oh, my God. Gayle. 99 00:03:16,803 --> 00:03:18,469 My girls! 100 00:03:18,471 --> 00:03:19,604 What's the emergency? 101 00:03:19,606 --> 00:03:21,172 Oh, this is just a drill, 102 00:03:21,174 --> 00:03:23,007 but I am having so much fun pretending it's real. 103 00:03:23,009 --> 00:03:24,175 Are you kidding me? 104 00:03:24,177 --> 00:03:26,394 The disaster-preparedness people picked today? 105 00:03:26,396 --> 00:03:28,980 Each year every city in Indiana is reviewed 106 00:03:28,982 --> 00:03:31,115 by the Department of Emergency Preparedness. 107 00:03:31,117 --> 00:03:34,202 And Pawnee has failed 12 years in a row. 108 00:03:34,204 --> 00:03:36,654 On last year's report, they stated, 109 00:03:36,656 --> 00:03:39,457 "Every time it so much as drizzles in Pawnee, 110 00:03:39,459 --> 00:03:40,958 "the town is in danger of collapsing 111 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,377 into Thunderdome-style, post-apocalyptic mayhem." 112 00:03:43,379 --> 00:03:46,631 Okay, we don't know how long Leslie's going to be gone, 113 00:03:46,633 --> 00:03:49,167 so let's just knock some of this stuff off. 114 00:03:49,169 --> 00:03:51,502 Should someone stop Jerry? 115 00:03:52,722 --> 00:03:54,889 Gayle! 116 00:03:54,891 --> 00:03:58,042 Eh, he'll figure it out eventually. 117 00:03:58,044 --> 00:03:59,977 First, we do the written exam, 118 00:03:59,979 --> 00:04:02,396 and then we do the personality evaluation, 119 00:04:02,398 --> 00:04:04,982 which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cause people always say, 120 00:04:04,984 --> 00:04:07,101 "But he's got a great personality." 121 00:04:08,353 --> 00:04:10,188 Okay, quiz me. 122 00:04:10,190 --> 00:04:13,523 Okay, what does it mean when an officer calls in a 3542? 123 00:04:13,726 --> 00:04:15,893 Assault and battery. The way I remember that, 124 00:04:15,895 --> 00:04:19,928 I picture 35 a-salt shakers and 42 batteries. 125 00:04:20,416 --> 00:04:22,733 Great. What is the criminal code for arson? 126 00:04:22,735 --> 00:04:24,035 Arson is 533. 127 00:04:24,037 --> 00:04:25,169 You know how I remember that? 128 00:04:25,171 --> 00:04:27,872 I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries 129 00:04:27,874 --> 00:04:29,173 lighting a building on fire. 130 00:04:29,175 --> 00:04:30,842 Oh, I'm nervous. 131 00:04:30,844 --> 00:04:32,409 Babe, look at me. 132 00:04:32,411 --> 00:04:33,711 You are going to pass this test, 133 00:04:33,713 --> 00:04:35,046 and you are going to become a cop. 134 00:04:35,048 --> 00:04:37,548 And if you don't, I'll just divorce you 135 00:04:37,550 --> 00:04:38,716 and marry someone else 136 00:04:38,718 --> 00:04:40,384 and then cheat on them with you. 137 00:04:40,386 --> 00:04:43,020 Aw, that's so sweet. 138 00:04:43,022 --> 00:04:45,756 Also, I got you a lucky charm. 139 00:04:45,758 --> 00:04:47,141 I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road, 140 00:04:47,143 --> 00:04:49,310 and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm. 141 00:04:49,312 --> 00:04:52,230 Baby, you are so creepy. 142 00:04:52,232 --> 00:04:54,598 Thank you. I love it. 143 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,567 Dwyer, you're up. 144 00:04:56,969 --> 00:04:58,369 My name is Leonard Tchulm. 145 00:04:58,371 --> 00:04:59,704 I'm head of the Indiana Department 146 00:04:59,706 --> 00:05:01,739 of Emergency Preparedness. 147 00:05:01,741 --> 00:05:02,990 And today I'm going to bring 148 00:05:02,992 --> 00:05:04,742 death and destruction to your town. 149 00:05:05,244 --> 00:05:07,879 I am Leslie Knope. I am the Pawnee Emergency Czar. 150 00:05:07,881 --> 00:05:09,964 And this year, we are more than prepared for your test, 151 00:05:09,966 --> 00:05:13,117 but, um, it just so happens, today is a little inconvenient. 152 00:05:13,119 --> 00:05:14,835 Good, because the best day for a drill 153 00:05:14,837 --> 00:05:16,287 is when it's inconvenient for everyone. 154 00:05:16,289 --> 00:05:18,455 My mother is getting a colonoscopy today. 155 00:05:18,457 --> 00:05:20,641 I'm not even sure there's anyone there to drive her home, 156 00:05:20,643 --> 00:05:22,560 so we're all making sacrifices, Ms. Knope. 157 00:05:22,562 --> 00:05:24,395 Well, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. 158 00:05:24,397 --> 00:05:26,097 Mm, we're not that close. 159 00:05:26,099 --> 00:05:27,598 Oh. Good. 160 00:05:28,601 --> 00:05:30,634 Okay, volunteer victims, 161 00:05:30,636 --> 00:05:32,636 please put your identification placards on now 162 00:05:32,638 --> 00:05:34,822 and go to your designated areas throughout town. 163 00:05:34,824 --> 00:05:36,657 First Responders, return to your stations, 164 00:05:36,659 --> 00:05:38,659 and the simulation begins... 165 00:05:38,661 --> 00:05:41,445 N-n-n... 166 00:05:44,249 --> 00:05:46,500 Went past the zero. 167 00:05:46,502 --> 00:05:49,086 I got to wait till it goes... 168 00:05:50,822 --> 00:05:51,839 Okay, now. 169 00:05:51,841 --> 00:05:53,490 All right, officers, bolt the doors. 170 00:05:53,492 --> 00:05:55,593 We are officially in lockdown mode. 171 00:05:55,595 --> 00:05:56,877 The doors will not open 172 00:05:56,879 --> 00:05:59,463 until Leonard announces that this drill is complete. 173 00:05:59,465 --> 00:06:00,664 The most important event 174 00:06:00,666 --> 00:06:02,383 that I have ever organized in my entire life 175 00:06:02,385 --> 00:06:05,718 is happening in eight hours, and I am stuck in this room. 176 00:06:05,772 --> 00:06:08,172 This is a nightmare. 177 00:06:08,174 --> 00:06:11,192 Wait. Maybe this is a nightmare. 178 00:06:13,561 --> 00:06:15,062 Nope, can't fly away. 179 00:06:15,064 --> 00:06:16,314 This is real life. 180 00:06:17,564 --> 00:06:20,314 And now, I'm going to open one of these ten envelopes at random 181 00:06:21,452 --> 00:06:23,152 to determine your simulated disaster. 182 00:06:24,205 --> 00:06:26,756 Pawnee has been hit by... 183 00:06:26,758 --> 00:06:28,040 A strain of avian flu. 184 00:06:28,042 --> 00:06:30,075 Yes! Avian flu! Jackpot. 185 00:06:30,077 --> 00:06:31,510 This is a simple one, guys. 186 00:06:31,512 --> 00:06:33,179 Everybody open their binders, okay? 187 00:06:33,181 --> 00:06:35,882 - "The Knope Protocol"? - Uh, correction. 188 00:06:35,884 --> 00:06:38,935 That's "Mission Im-Pawnee-able: Knope Protocol." 189 00:06:38,937 --> 00:06:41,053 Now, if everyone just follows my instructions, 190 00:06:41,055 --> 00:06:43,606 we will ace this test, and we will be done in 90 minutes. 191 00:06:43,608 --> 00:06:46,425 "Step one... insert the DVD scenario." 192 00:06:46,427 --> 00:06:48,427 Hmm, what could be on this? 193 00:06:48,429 --> 00:06:50,596 Good evening, this is Channel 4 lead anchor 194 00:06:50,598 --> 00:06:51,931 Willow Tremaine, with breaking news. 195 00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:54,867 Avian flu has just hit the town of Pawnee. 196 00:06:54,869 --> 00:06:57,236 We go live now to St. Joseph's Medical Center 197 00:06:57,238 --> 00:06:58,938 for an update. 198 00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:00,072 Hello, my name is 199 00:07:00,074 --> 00:07:01,824 Donatella Breckinridge, M.D. I graduated 200 00:07:01,826 --> 00:07:03,627 first in my class from Harvard Medical School, 201 00:07:03,628 --> 00:07:04,777 so I know what I'm talking about. 202 00:07:04,779 --> 00:07:07,914 This is the avian flu, or we call "H5N1." 203 00:07:07,916 --> 00:07:10,950 Donna, are we on schedule for the tent setup? 204 00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:12,969 The tables showed up, which is good, 205 00:07:12,971 --> 00:07:14,971 but there are no chairs, which is bad. 206 00:07:14,973 --> 00:07:18,306 Okay, well, get some chairs from somewhere. 207 00:07:19,310 --> 00:07:21,677 Great leadership... inspiring. 208 00:07:21,679 --> 00:07:24,230 Oh, God. Leslie was gonna go on Pawnee Today 209 00:07:24,232 --> 00:07:27,565 - to promote the gala. - I'll do it. 210 00:07:27,568 --> 00:07:30,236 No offense, Ron, but I don't think you'd be great on TV. 211 00:07:30,238 --> 00:07:32,905 I can speak in full sentences, and I won't cry. 212 00:07:33,407 --> 00:07:36,240 Fair point. I did cry last time. 213 00:07:36,244 --> 00:07:38,661 Godspeed. 214 00:07:38,663 --> 00:07:41,996 Mmm! Smells amazing, Chef. What you cooking? 215 00:07:42,166 --> 00:07:44,283 Little coq au vin? Little bouillabaisse? 216 00:07:44,285 --> 00:07:46,619 You can stop the ass-kissing, Haverford. 217 00:07:46,621 --> 00:07:49,005 I know why you're here. I cannot do the gala. 218 00:07:49,007 --> 00:07:50,322 It doesn't make business sense 219 00:07:50,324 --> 00:07:51,841 to cater something that big for free. 220 00:07:51,843 --> 00:07:54,176 Please. If the gala doesn't go perfectly, 221 00:07:54,178 --> 00:07:55,678 the lot could become a Paunch Burger. 222 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:57,964 Doesn't that offend your refined Parisian sensibilities? 223 00:07:57,966 --> 00:07:59,515 I'm from Orlando. 224 00:07:59,517 --> 00:08:01,300 And I don't care about the Paunch Burger. 225 00:08:01,302 --> 00:08:04,635 If it was another French restaurant, maybe I'd worry. 226 00:08:06,606 --> 00:08:07,773 Hey! Well, you know what? 227 00:08:07,775 --> 00:08:09,475 What? What? 228 00:08:09,477 --> 00:08:11,343 What you got for me? Get out of my kitchen! 229 00:08:11,345 --> 00:08:12,561 Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. 230 00:08:12,563 --> 00:08:13,814 Pardon! Pardon! 231 00:08:14,816 --> 00:08:15,948 Hey, can you hear me? 232 00:08:15,950 --> 00:08:18,017 Oh! Leslie, you on the TV! 233 00:08:18,019 --> 00:08:19,685 Well, you're on mine, Brett. 234 00:08:19,687 --> 00:08:22,154 - We're having a video conference. - Oh, okay. 235 00:08:22,156 --> 00:08:24,156 Pawnee has been hit with the avian flu. 236 00:08:24,558 --> 00:08:26,659 - Tight. - No, this is bad news. 237 00:08:26,661 --> 00:08:28,494 I need everyone there at Animal Control 238 00:08:28,496 --> 00:08:31,297 to eradicate all the infected birds in town. 239 00:08:31,299 --> 00:08:34,216 "Kill all birds." 240 00:08:34,218 --> 00:08:36,385 - This is for the drill, right? - Yes. 241 00:08:36,387 --> 00:08:38,721 But I'm actually gonna kill these birds for real? 242 00:08:38,723 --> 00:08:40,589 No. No, just pretend. 243 00:08:40,591 --> 00:08:43,375 Right. So how do I kill 'em... like, with a gun? 244 00:08:43,377 --> 00:08:44,877 No. 245 00:08:44,879 --> 00:08:46,979 I could fill up a bathtub and just drown 'em one at a time. 246 00:08:46,981 --> 00:08:48,898 Okay, let's forget we ever talked. 247 00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:50,016 Got it. Kill 'em. 248 00:08:50,018 --> 00:08:52,101 Okay, casualty update... only four dead, 249 00:08:52,103 --> 00:08:54,737 two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers. 250 00:08:54,739 --> 00:08:56,388 That family took a terrible hit. 251 00:08:56,390 --> 00:08:57,523 Well, that's great news. 252 00:08:57,525 --> 00:08:59,391 Not so fast. I regret to inform you 253 00:08:59,393 --> 00:09:01,694 that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms... 254 00:09:01,696 --> 00:09:04,196 - Christopher Traeger. - What? 255 00:09:04,198 --> 00:09:07,416 A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, 256 00:09:07,418 --> 00:09:09,168 even hypothetical, would have sent me 257 00:09:09,170 --> 00:09:11,236 careening towards Bummerville, 258 00:09:11,238 --> 00:09:14,571 but now I am infected with a killer virus, 259 00:09:15,593 --> 00:09:17,760 and I feel fine. 260 00:09:17,762 --> 00:09:19,095 Therapy! 261 00:09:19,097 --> 00:09:20,513 This is highly irregular. 262 00:09:20,515 --> 00:09:22,247 We have followed protocol to the letter. 263 00:09:22,249 --> 00:09:23,549 No, you did not. 264 00:09:23,551 --> 00:09:25,384 Unfortunately, no one contacted the transit department 265 00:09:25,386 --> 00:09:26,519 to shut down bus service. 266 00:09:26,521 --> 00:09:29,254 So you rode a bus with a contagious man, 267 00:09:29,256 --> 00:09:31,390 and he infected you and 39 others. 268 00:09:31,392 --> 00:09:33,275 That is impossible. I do not ride the bus. 269 00:09:33,277 --> 00:09:35,427 I ride my bicycle behind the bus as a windbreak. 270 00:09:35,429 --> 00:09:37,096 Doesn't matter. Prepare for the diarrhea. 271 00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:39,765 Okay, who was supposed to deal with Transit? 272 00:09:43,620 --> 00:09:46,739 My bad, guys. That's my bad. Chris, very sorry. 273 00:09:46,741 --> 00:09:48,107 Damn it, Jamm. 274 00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:49,942 I should've had animal control kill you. 275 00:09:49,944 --> 00:09:51,944 - Oh, who you want me to kill? - No one. 276 00:09:51,946 --> 00:09:53,278 I'll kill him... 277 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,631 As soon as I'm done with these birds. 278 00:09:56,133 --> 00:09:57,766 Hello. 279 00:09:57,768 --> 00:10:00,601 I'm here for the interview about tonight's gala. 280 00:10:00,638 --> 00:10:03,455 Yeah, listen, I'm a little under the weather. 281 00:10:03,457 --> 00:10:05,124 I went on a booze cruise last week. 282 00:10:05,626 --> 00:10:07,726 It just finished up an hour ago. 283 00:10:07,728 --> 00:10:12,849 On a completely unrelated note, I have horrible allergies. 284 00:10:12,850 --> 00:10:14,383 - I'm sorry to hear that. - Yeah. 285 00:10:14,385 --> 00:10:16,902 But I do need to promote this event. 286 00:10:16,904 --> 00:10:18,854 Don't worry about me. I'm a true professional. 287 00:10:18,856 --> 00:10:20,722 The show must go on. In five, four, three... 288 00:10:20,724 --> 00:10:22,191 Two... 289 00:10:22,193 --> 00:10:25,526 Hello. I'm Joan Callamezzo. 290 00:10:25,913 --> 00:10:29,246 Today's show will not go on. 291 00:10:35,255 --> 00:10:37,106 It seems like her allergies are kicking in. 292 00:10:38,376 --> 00:10:40,709 My name is Ron Swanson. 293 00:10:40,711 --> 00:10:42,094 I am here to tell you 294 00:10:42,096 --> 00:10:45,080 about a black-tie gala fund-raiser for Pawnee Commons 295 00:10:45,082 --> 00:10:46,215 happening tonight. 296 00:10:46,217 --> 00:10:48,951 All proceeds will go toward building a park. 297 00:10:48,953 --> 00:10:50,786 It will be enjoyable. 298 00:10:50,788 --> 00:10:52,721 Take a... take a phone call. 299 00:10:52,723 --> 00:10:54,873 Now I will take your calls, apparently. 300 00:10:54,875 --> 00:10:56,358 Yes? 301 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,060 Hey, Joan, settle a bet for me. 302 00:10:58,062 --> 00:11:00,396 Who's the sexiest couple in history? 303 00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:02,614 R-Patz and K-Stew, or Bieber... 304 00:11:06,036 --> 00:11:07,436 Hey, how's it going? 305 00:11:07,438 --> 00:11:10,771 Uh, well, this simulated disaster is a total disaster. 306 00:11:10,875 --> 00:11:11,957 How are you? 307 00:11:11,959 --> 00:11:14,209 Ron subbed for you on Pawnee Today. 308 00:11:14,211 --> 00:11:17,279 Ron who? Ron Swanson? On television? 309 00:11:17,281 --> 00:11:19,915 You know we want people to come, right? 310 00:11:19,917 --> 00:11:21,583 Donna still can't find any chairs. 311 00:11:21,585 --> 00:11:22,835 We don't know where Jerry is. 312 00:11:22,837 --> 00:11:24,920 And now some firemen are using 313 00:11:24,922 --> 00:11:27,506 the lot as a triage center for the emergency drill. 314 00:11:27,508 --> 00:11:29,141 Okay, here's what you do. Listen to me caref... 315 00:11:29,143 --> 00:11:30,926 Attention. Panic from the outbreak 316 00:11:30,928 --> 00:11:32,561 has overloaded cell phone towers. 317 00:11:32,563 --> 00:11:34,513 Please deposit your phones into this box. 318 00:11:34,515 --> 00:11:35,964 Oh, my God, this drill will never end. 319 00:11:35,966 --> 00:11:37,649 - Okay, tell the firefighters... - All phones. 320 00:11:37,651 --> 00:11:39,435 To set up triage at the high school... 321 00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:40,569 - All phones. - And then to... 322 00:11:40,571 --> 00:11:41,636 but I'm talking to someone important. 323 00:11:41,638 --> 00:11:42,771 - All phones. - Let me tell him 324 00:11:42,773 --> 00:11:44,356 something important. Fix it, Ben! Fix it! 325 00:11:44,358 --> 00:11:45,524 Okay. 326 00:11:45,526 --> 00:11:47,576 What? 327 00:11:47,578 --> 00:11:50,412 I found one chair, got a lead on a second. 328 00:11:50,414 --> 00:11:52,781 Keep me posted. 329 00:11:52,783 --> 00:11:54,649 So this test will determine 330 00:11:54,651 --> 00:11:56,752 whether you have the right personality profile 331 00:11:56,754 --> 00:11:57,836 to be a police officer. 332 00:11:57,838 --> 00:11:59,872 Just to make sure the machine is working, 333 00:11:59,874 --> 00:12:02,124 is your name Andy? 334 00:12:02,126 --> 00:12:04,293 I don't know how to answer that. 335 00:12:04,295 --> 00:12:07,446 - A simple "yes" or "no." - Well, everyone calls me Andy, 336 00:12:07,448 --> 00:12:09,848 but my full name is Andrew, I think, 337 00:12:09,850 --> 00:12:12,184 so... 338 00:12:12,186 --> 00:12:13,936 No? 339 00:12:13,938 --> 00:12:15,670 Wait. Yes. 340 00:12:15,672 --> 00:12:17,005 Let's move on. 341 00:12:17,007 --> 00:12:19,107 Scenario... a high-school-aged child 342 00:12:19,109 --> 00:12:20,976 asks to hold your service revolver. 343 00:12:20,978 --> 00:12:21,977 What do you do? 344 00:12:21,979 --> 00:12:24,112 Yes, I give it to him. 345 00:12:24,114 --> 00:12:26,482 When I was a kid, I always wanted to hold a cop's gun. 346 00:12:26,484 --> 00:12:29,184 To make that dream come true for another kid... 347 00:12:29,186 --> 00:12:31,954 Well, that's what being a cop is all about. 348 00:12:31,956 --> 00:12:34,689 Scenario... you pull a car over for speeding. 349 00:12:34,691 --> 00:12:36,024 You find out that it's your father. 350 00:12:36,026 --> 00:12:37,793 - How do you handle the situation? - Ooh. 351 00:12:37,795 --> 00:12:41,128 Well, first, I would be like, 352 00:12:41,198 --> 00:12:42,714 "Dad... 353 00:12:42,716 --> 00:12:44,883 "You're alive? What the hell? 354 00:12:44,885 --> 00:12:47,302 Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?" 355 00:12:47,304 --> 00:12:50,205 Shouldn't you be taking her to lie down somewhere? 356 00:12:50,207 --> 00:12:52,541 Oh, no. If she ever found out that we took her off camera, 357 00:12:52,543 --> 00:12:53,875 we'd all be fired. 358 00:12:53,877 --> 00:12:56,061 So just, uh, keep taking calls. You're doing great. 359 00:12:56,063 --> 00:12:57,229 Three, two... 360 00:12:57,231 --> 00:12:58,981 Hello, again. 361 00:12:58,983 --> 00:13:00,232 I'm Ron Swanson, 362 00:13:00,234 --> 00:13:02,267 and I am still taking your calls... 363 00:13:02,269 --> 00:13:04,136 hopefully, about tonight's gala. 364 00:13:04,138 --> 00:13:05,487 You're on the air. 365 00:13:05,489 --> 00:13:07,856 Hi, uh, what's wrong with Joan? 366 00:13:07,858 --> 00:13:09,725 She has a bad hangover, 367 00:13:09,727 --> 00:13:12,027 which she is pretending is allergies. 368 00:13:12,029 --> 00:13:13,529 Is she gonna be okay? 369 00:13:13,531 --> 00:13:16,014 Wouldn't know... never been hungover. 370 00:13:16,016 --> 00:13:17,883 After I've had too much whiskey, 371 00:13:17,885 --> 00:13:19,751 I cook myself a large flank steak, 372 00:13:19,753 --> 00:13:21,153 pan-fried in salted butter. 373 00:13:21,155 --> 00:13:22,921 I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, 374 00:13:22,923 --> 00:13:23,922 and go to sleep. 375 00:13:23,924 --> 00:13:26,124 - That works? - It does. 376 00:13:26,126 --> 00:13:29,027 Please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala 377 00:13:29,029 --> 00:13:31,730 or one of my other interests... 378 00:13:31,732 --> 00:13:35,065 Woodworking, uh, novels about tall ships, 379 00:13:35,302 --> 00:13:37,769 meat, that sort of thing. 380 00:13:37,771 --> 00:13:40,222 I'm afraid I have some very bad news. 381 00:13:40,224 --> 00:13:44,557 "I, Chris Traeger, after several sustained hours of diarrhea, 382 00:13:44,695 --> 00:13:47,262 "combined with violent coughing and a devastating fever, 383 00:13:47,264 --> 00:13:49,764 "followed by even more diarrhea, 384 00:13:49,766 --> 00:13:51,950 have succumbed to the avian flu." 385 00:13:53,286 --> 00:13:54,303 I'm dead. 386 00:13:54,305 --> 00:13:55,787 I got to say, Leonard, it kind of feels 387 00:13:55,789 --> 00:13:57,289 like you're putting us through the ringer here. 388 00:13:57,291 --> 00:13:59,408 Can you us an idea how long this is gonna take? 389 00:13:59,410 --> 00:14:00,626 Uh... 390 00:14:00,628 --> 00:14:02,044 Probably six to eight more hours. 391 00:14:02,046 --> 00:14:04,212 - Eight more hours? - Nine. 392 00:14:04,214 --> 00:14:05,881 Are all state emergency drills this intensive? 393 00:14:05,883 --> 00:14:09,134 Oh, no, hardly ever. Councilman Jamm requested it. 394 00:14:09,136 --> 00:14:10,469 Oh, really? 395 00:14:10,471 --> 00:14:12,254 Specifically asked that the drill to be done today 396 00:14:12,256 --> 00:14:13,972 and said I should give you everything I got. 397 00:14:13,974 --> 00:14:15,090 Mmhmm. 398 00:14:15,092 --> 00:14:16,124 Guys! Come here. 399 00:14:16,126 --> 00:14:17,426 The game is rigged. 400 00:14:17,428 --> 00:14:19,227 Jamm invited Leonard here, 401 00:14:19,229 --> 00:14:21,463 and he screwed up the bus thing on purpose to slow us down. 402 00:14:21,465 --> 00:14:23,649 It is with a heavy heart that I say, 403 00:14:23,651 --> 00:14:25,484 "We have been jammed." 404 00:14:25,486 --> 00:14:27,302 God, that guy is the worst! 405 00:14:27,304 --> 00:14:30,355 Look, we are stuck in this room until the drill is over. 406 00:14:30,357 --> 00:14:32,774 What are we gonna do? The only thing we can do. 407 00:14:32,776 --> 00:14:35,494 In order to save our park... 408 00:14:35,496 --> 00:14:38,280 We have to destroy the entire town. 409 00:14:39,104 --> 00:14:40,403 Ladies and gentlemen, 410 00:14:40,404 --> 00:14:42,892 we are making some changes to the Knope Protocol. 411 00:14:42,893 --> 00:14:45,956 Ann, how much flu vaccine does the hospital still have? 412 00:14:46,460 --> 00:14:48,126 Enough for 2,000 people. 413 00:14:48,128 --> 00:14:49,828 Great. Why don't you tell the hospital director 414 00:14:49,830 --> 00:14:51,513 - to flush them down the toilet. - You got it. 415 00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:54,299 Chief Fugleberg, I want you to order your officers 416 00:14:54,301 --> 00:14:57,634 to find all the infected birds in the area and perform CPR. 417 00:14:58,172 --> 00:14:59,504 Sorry. Won't they become infected? 418 00:14:59,506 --> 00:15:00,722 That's a risk we're gonna have to take. 419 00:15:00,724 --> 00:15:04,557 Our top priority is now saving all the birds. 420 00:15:04,678 --> 00:15:07,346 And you know what? Why don't we just kick this up a notch? 421 00:15:07,348 --> 00:15:10,232 Oh, no! Pawnee has been hit with... 422 00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:11,733 A tornado quake! 423 00:15:12,735 --> 00:15:14,937 This is Ron. Go ahead, caller. 424 00:15:14,939 --> 00:15:16,355 Hi. 425 00:15:16,357 --> 00:15:19,358 My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. 426 00:15:19,610 --> 00:15:21,860 Is there a cheap way to repair that? 427 00:15:21,862 --> 00:15:23,278 Great question. 428 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:26,148 Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. 429 00:15:26,150 --> 00:15:27,582 That'll mask the scratches. 430 00:15:27,584 --> 00:15:29,868 Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier 431 00:15:29,870 --> 00:15:31,620 and get yourself a proper dog. 432 00:15:31,622 --> 00:15:33,805 Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, 433 00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:35,106 and cats are pointless. 434 00:15:35,108 --> 00:15:37,142 Come to the gala. Next caller. 435 00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:40,477 Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. 436 00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:43,465 Don't trust big banks or small banks. 437 00:15:43,467 --> 00:15:46,101 Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons. 438 00:15:46,103 --> 00:15:48,670 Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. 439 00:15:48,672 --> 00:15:51,072 Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. 440 00:15:51,074 --> 00:15:53,024 Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." 441 00:15:53,026 --> 00:15:54,843 That's as complicated as it should be 442 00:15:54,845 --> 00:15:56,761 to open a business in this country. 443 00:15:56,763 --> 00:15:59,114 I've seen three movies in my life... 444 00:15:59,116 --> 00:16:01,316 Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, 445 00:16:01,318 --> 00:16:03,635 and Herbie Fully Loaded. 446 00:16:03,637 --> 00:16:05,637 My girlfriend's kids love it. 447 00:16:06,039 --> 00:16:07,606 It's pretty funny. 448 00:16:07,608 --> 00:16:09,641 Next caller. 449 00:16:11,810 --> 00:16:12,711 Good morning. 450 00:16:13,113 --> 00:16:14,913 And... it is a wrap. 451 00:16:14,915 --> 00:16:17,031 Everyone in Pawnee is dead. 452 00:16:17,033 --> 00:16:19,033 Including Councilman Jamm. 453 00:16:19,035 --> 00:16:21,836 What? No, no, you can't do that. 454 00:16:21,838 --> 00:16:22,971 It says right there, you're dead, 455 00:16:22,973 --> 00:16:24,806 so is everyone you care about. 456 00:16:24,808 --> 00:16:26,874 Oh, well, joke's on you. 457 00:16:26,876 --> 00:16:28,843 I don't have anyone I care about. 458 00:16:28,845 --> 00:16:30,095 Ms. Knope, I'm afraid 459 00:16:30,097 --> 00:16:32,347 I have to once again give Pawnee a failing grade. 460 00:16:32,349 --> 00:16:35,066 This was bad... Fort Wayne bad. 461 00:16:35,068 --> 00:16:37,218 Bummer. Thank you for your time. 462 00:16:37,220 --> 00:16:38,603 I think we're done here. 463 00:16:38,605 --> 00:16:41,323 I will see everyone at the gala, and I will see you in hell. 464 00:16:41,325 --> 00:16:43,992 Yeah, you're too late, Knope. That lot is mine. 465 00:16:43,994 --> 00:16:45,610 I can't hear you. I'm a ghost. 466 00:16:45,612 --> 00:16:47,913 Yeah, well, so am I, so you can hear me! 467 00:16:47,915 --> 00:16:49,230 Ghost jammed! 468 00:16:50,333 --> 00:16:51,750 We got all the way to Muncie 469 00:16:51,752 --> 00:16:53,919 before we realized that it was just a drill. 470 00:16:53,921 --> 00:16:56,738 I mean, all I'm saying is you could've called. 471 00:16:56,740 --> 00:16:58,456 No one had your cell number, Big "J." 472 00:16:58,458 --> 00:16:59,624 I find that hard to believe. 473 00:16:59,626 --> 00:17:00,926 Oh, my God, why is everyone standing around? 474 00:17:00,928 --> 00:17:02,577 We have work to do. Status report. 475 00:17:02,579 --> 00:17:03,845 - Status report! - Well... 476 00:17:03,847 --> 00:17:05,079 Nope, we don't have time for that. 477 00:17:05,081 --> 00:17:06,414 We're gonna have to postpone the gala, 478 00:17:06,416 --> 00:17:07,915 but we can't, because the deadline is tomorrow. 479 00:17:07,917 --> 00:17:09,851 Oh, my God, I destroyed the entire town for nothing. 480 00:17:09,853 --> 00:17:11,919 Leslie, it's okay. 481 00:17:14,807 --> 00:17:18,140 Oh, my God. You did all this? 482 00:17:18,728 --> 00:17:20,094 How did you get food? 483 00:17:20,096 --> 00:17:22,647 I had a classic stroke of Haverford genius. 484 00:17:22,649 --> 00:17:24,783 Who has the most to lose from a new Paunch Burger? 485 00:17:24,785 --> 00:17:25,917 Their competitors. 486 00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:28,286 I got all the other fast-food places in town 487 00:17:28,288 --> 00:17:29,771 to donate food. 488 00:17:29,773 --> 00:17:31,939 I know black tie and chicky tenders isn't the best mix, 489 00:17:31,941 --> 00:17:34,075 - but... - No, Tom, I love it. 490 00:17:34,077 --> 00:17:37,410 And more importantly, so will all of our more ample citizens. 491 00:17:37,464 --> 00:17:38,780 How did you get the word out? 492 00:17:38,782 --> 00:17:41,616 Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass. 493 00:17:41,618 --> 00:17:44,252 I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy 494 00:17:44,254 --> 00:17:45,787 on his elderly uncle. 495 00:17:45,789 --> 00:17:47,722 It's been a very rewarding day. 496 00:17:47,724 --> 00:17:50,759 Also, I told the firemen they should use the lot as triage 497 00:17:50,761 --> 00:17:53,311 and then gave them and all the dead and wounded 498 00:17:53,313 --> 00:17:55,430 - two free drink tickets. - Wow. 499 00:17:55,732 --> 00:17:58,765 This is great. Thank you so much. 500 00:17:59,602 --> 00:18:00,819 Let's start the gala. 501 00:18:01,321 --> 00:18:04,154 Oh, and thanks for dressing up, Jerry. 502 00:18:13,784 --> 00:18:15,250 - Hello, Chief Fugleberg. - Hey. 503 00:18:15,252 --> 00:18:17,168 That's your buddy Andy Dwyer over there, isn't it? 504 00:18:17,170 --> 00:18:19,487 - Such a shame. - Oh, no. 505 00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:21,656 - Did he fail his test? - It's weird. 506 00:18:21,658 --> 00:18:23,458 He got 100% on his written test... 507 00:18:23,460 --> 00:18:25,010 first guy in history to do it... 508 00:18:25,012 --> 00:18:27,495 but he failed his personality examination. 509 00:18:27,497 --> 00:18:28,930 He's a sweet kid... 510 00:18:28,932 --> 00:18:30,598 just doesn't have what it takes to be a cop. 511 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:31,933 Oh, Andy. 512 00:18:31,935 --> 00:18:35,002 Too bad. He's certainly something of a genius. 513 00:18:35,004 --> 00:18:37,305 We could use his brains on the force. 514 00:18:37,307 --> 00:18:39,747 Official police wrist lock. You can't hit me. Try to hit me. 515 00:18:40,976 --> 00:18:42,811 Or here, no, try... it's this hand. 516 00:18:42,813 --> 00:18:44,946 Wrist lock. Boom, too much pain, you can't even hit me. 517 00:18:44,948 --> 00:18:46,347 Try to hit me. 518 00:18:46,349 --> 00:18:48,066 If I had my gun, you wouldn't try to hit me, though, 519 00:18:48,068 --> 00:18:49,484 is the thing. 520 00:18:49,486 --> 00:18:52,186 Uh, if I could have everyone's attention please? 521 00:18:52,188 --> 00:18:55,356 I am so happy to announce that as of one minute ago, 522 00:18:55,358 --> 00:18:57,325 we have reached our fund-raising goal. 523 00:19:00,247 --> 00:19:03,580 Every dollar spent here tonight by you, the community, 524 00:19:03,884 --> 00:19:06,367 will be poured right back into this wonderful project. 525 00:19:06,369 --> 00:19:08,303 And speaking of community, 526 00:19:08,305 --> 00:19:11,372 I'd like to thank my community... my friends. 527 00:19:11,374 --> 00:19:14,008 It's a lesson that I have learned over and over again, 528 00:19:14,010 --> 00:19:15,209 but it bears repeating... 529 00:19:15,211 --> 00:19:16,878 No one achieves anything alone. 530 00:19:18,815 --> 00:19:21,015 Without further ado, the best band in Pawnee... 531 00:19:21,017 --> 00:19:22,016 Mouse Rat. 532 00:19:35,064 --> 00:19:36,581 Thank you. 533 00:19:38,451 --> 00:19:41,284 I thought you should see why Leslie tanked the drill. 534 00:19:41,588 --> 00:19:44,405 Councilman Jamm used you as a stalling tactic, 535 00:19:44,407 --> 00:19:47,740 hoping it would kill Leslie's park project. 536 00:19:48,095 --> 00:19:50,178 If the test were any other day, Leslie would have aced it. 537 00:19:50,180 --> 00:19:51,596 I believe you. 538 00:19:51,598 --> 00:19:54,432 Maybe I'll find my way back here in a month for are-do. 539 00:19:54,434 --> 00:19:56,134 I appreciate it. 540 00:19:57,470 --> 00:19:59,687 Have you ever thought of being a sperm donor? 541 00:19:59,689 --> 00:20:00,889 I'm impotent. 542 00:20:00,891 --> 00:20:02,089 Yeah, I don't need to know that. 543 00:20:02,091 --> 00:20:04,692 This is the best wedding present ever. 544 00:20:04,694 --> 00:20:06,111 This is the best night ever. 545 00:20:06,113 --> 00:20:07,228 I wish we were getting married tonight. 546 00:20:07,230 --> 00:20:08,947 Well, we only have three more months. 547 00:20:08,949 --> 00:20:10,782 I can't wait three more months. 548 00:20:10,784 --> 00:20:13,618 God, I just hate the feeling of not being married to you. 549 00:20:15,037 --> 00:20:16,704 Well... 550 00:20:17,506 --> 00:20:20,039 Let's just do it, then. 551 00:20:20,710 --> 00:20:23,545 Let's get married... Here, tonight. 552 00:20:24,347 --> 00:20:25,630 I mean, we're all in black tie. 553 00:20:25,632 --> 00:20:28,965 We've got plenty of food and entertainment... 554 00:20:29,419 --> 00:20:31,302 And you did want to invite the whole town 555 00:20:31,304 --> 00:20:33,087 to the wedding, right? 556 00:20:33,089 --> 00:20:36,422 Leslie... 557 00:20:36,676 --> 00:20:39,293 Let's get married... Tonight. 558 00:20:45,629 --> 00:20:47,309 Breaking news... I've just been handed this. 559 00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:50,298 Pawnee has been hit by a devastating earthquake. 560 00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:52,417 We go to our reporter, live, 561 00:20:52,435 --> 00:20:55,053 Winnifred Makepiece, for the story. Winnifred? 562 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:58,023 Thanks, Jessica. I'm here at the Pawnee Weather Center 563 00:20:58,057 --> 00:21:00,258 with celebrated geologist Isabella Winchester. 564 00:21:00,276 --> 00:21:02,594 Isabella, can you tell us more about this killer earthquake? 565 00:21:02,612 --> 00:21:03,945 That's right, Winnifred, 566 00:21:03,980 --> 00:21:06,498 the earthquake registered an 8.5 on the Richter scale. 567 00:21:06,532 --> 00:21:08,099 That's correct. It was a large one. 568 00:21:08,117 --> 00:21:09,885 Thank you so much, everyone. 569 00:21:09,919 --> 00:21:12,204 From all of us here at Channel 4 News, 570 00:21:12,238 --> 00:21:13,789 I'm Jessica Rabrit. 571 00:21:13,823 --> 00:21:16,908 Have a good evening and be safe out there. 572 00:21:21,443 --> 00:21:25,576 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com