1
00:00:00,591 --> 00:00:02,292
Well, the honeymoon
was amazing.

2
00:00:02,643 --> 00:00:03,592
We saw the bus stop

3
00:00:03,593 --> 00:00:06,527
where a young Barack Obama used
to sit and wait for the bus.

4
00:00:06,528 --> 00:00:08,095
- Theoretically.
- It's possible.

5
00:00:08,096 --> 00:00:11,429
Then we went and visited
Honolulu City Hall.

6
00:00:11,465 --> 00:00:13,032
- Shut up.
- You know.

7
00:00:13,033 --> 00:00:15,167
- Oh, my God, what was it like?
- It was amazing.

8
00:00:15,168 --> 00:00:16,302
Well, it looked amazing,
but it was closed.

9
00:00:16,303 --> 00:00:17,737
Oh, my God, bummer.

10
00:00:17,738 --> 00:00:18,838
Okay, I have presents!

11
00:00:18,839 --> 00:00:22,141
Um... Chris, we got you
an Acai tree

12
00:00:22,142 --> 00:00:24,744
because the Acai berry
is a superfood.

13
00:00:24,745 --> 00:00:26,612
And a super gift.

14
00:00:26,613 --> 00:00:27,713
Donna,
we got you some coffee,

15
00:00:27,714 --> 00:00:28,880
because you said,
and I quote,

16
00:00:28,881 --> 00:00:30,515
"I like my coffee
like I like my men.

17
00:00:30,516 --> 00:00:31,617
Dark, rich, and full-bodied."

18
00:00:31,618 --> 00:00:33,585
Yes, indeed.

19
00:00:33,586 --> 00:00:36,488
Ann, we got you some very rare
Hawaiian fertility tea,

20
00:00:36,489 --> 00:00:37,756
guaranteed to help you
have a baby.

21
00:00:37,757 --> 00:00:39,424
That's so nice.
Where'd you find that?

22
00:00:39,425 --> 00:00:41,325
Well, the busboy
at our restaurant

23
00:00:41,326 --> 00:00:42,526
told us about a guy

24
00:00:42,527 --> 00:00:43,827
who we met in a parking lot,

25
00:00:43,828 --> 00:00:45,963
and then he had a backpack
full of this stuff,

26
00:00:45,964 --> 00:00:47,965
and I'm just realizing now
that it's not tea.

27
00:00:47,966 --> 00:00:49,166
And I'm gonna throw it away.

28
00:00:49,167 --> 00:00:52,500
Ron, this is
the Hawaiian god of anger.

29
00:00:53,138 --> 00:00:55,439
It reminded us of you
when you're at work.

30
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:56,774
A handsome gentleman.

31
00:00:56,775 --> 00:00:58,341
- We did not forget Jerry.
- Right, right.

32
00:00:58,342 --> 00:01:01,378
We got Jerry some earbuds,

33
00:01:01,379 --> 00:01:03,613
and a bag of peanuts,

34
00:01:03,614 --> 00:01:05,715
and the Skymall catalog.

35
00:01:05,716 --> 00:01:08,551
Same thing you got me
from your trip to Washington!

36
00:01:08,552 --> 00:01:11,154
Tom, we got you
an autographed portrait

37
00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:12,389
of your personal hero.

38
00:01:12,390 --> 00:01:13,855
No way!

39
00:01:13,856 --> 00:01:15,557
Scott Caan
from Hawaii five-0!

40
00:01:15,558 --> 00:01:17,660
April, as requested,

41
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,361
we threw that box you gave us
into that volcano.

42
00:01:20,162 --> 00:01:21,630
Thank you.

43
00:01:21,631 --> 00:01:22,798
Andy, as you requested,

44
00:01:22,799 --> 00:01:24,966
got you a three-pack
of white T-shirts

45
00:01:24,967 --> 00:01:26,134
from Target.

46
00:01:26,135 --> 00:01:29,004
Thank you.
All mine are dirty.

47
00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:30,305
Thank you, Hawaii.

48
00:01:33,309 --> 00:01:38,642
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

49
00:01:51,992 --> 00:01:53,026
Thank you so much.

50
00:01:53,027 --> 00:01:54,194
It's great to be here

51
00:01:54,195 --> 00:01:55,762
at the Pawnee
Correspondents' Lunch.

52
00:01:55,763 --> 00:01:57,864
There's so many wonderful,
talented journalists here.

53
00:01:57,865 --> 00:02:01,198
Also here are some reporters
from the Pawnee Sun.

54
00:02:01,601 --> 00:02:03,703
Oh, hey, hey.

55
00:02:03,704 --> 00:02:05,204
I love the Pawnee Sun.

56
00:02:05,205 --> 00:02:07,573
Some people say
that it's a useless tabloid.

57
00:02:07,574 --> 00:02:09,041
But I don't think it's useless.

58
00:02:09,042 --> 00:02:11,344
I think it's great
for housebreaking puppies.

59
00:02:12,746 --> 00:02:15,614
I am prepping for the
Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch.

60
00:02:15,615 --> 00:02:16,982
It's an annual affair

61
00:02:16,983 --> 00:02:18,950
where the media and
the government roast each other.

62
00:02:18,951 --> 00:02:20,485
My number one target...

63
00:02:20,486 --> 00:02:22,220
the Pawnee Sun.

64
00:02:22,221 --> 00:02:25,554
364 days a year,
they rake me over the coals.

65
00:02:25,758 --> 00:02:28,092
Today, I take
those burning coals,

66
00:02:28,093 --> 00:02:30,127
I shove them
back down their throats,

67
00:02:30,128 --> 00:02:33,461
and I watch their melting flesh
drip off their worthless faces!

68
00:02:35,132 --> 00:02:37,133
It's all in good fun.

69
00:02:37,134 --> 00:02:38,802
Okay, I need
more jokes, people.

70
00:02:38,803 --> 00:02:40,437
Ben is having
his first day at work,

71
00:02:40,438 --> 00:02:41,638
so he cannot help me.

72
00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:43,039
So I need you guys
to pick up the slack.

73
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,575
- I have a joke for you.
- Okay.

74
00:02:44,576 --> 00:02:47,811
The government in this town
is excellent

75
00:02:47,812 --> 00:02:50,646
and uses
your tax dollars efficiently.

76
00:02:52,716 --> 00:02:54,917
- That's not really a joke, Ron.
- I disagree.

77
00:02:54,918 --> 00:02:56,986
I find it hilarious.

78
00:02:58,622 --> 00:03:00,356
- Ann Perkins!
- Hey, Chris!

79
00:03:00,357 --> 00:03:01,391
Got to run
to a meeting.

80
00:03:01,392 --> 00:03:02,625
With Ron.

81
00:03:02,626 --> 00:03:05,959
Great idea! I'll run
to my next meeting.

82
00:03:08,998 --> 00:03:10,799
Sorry, the door was open.

83
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,301
I wish this office
had only walls.

84
00:03:13,302 --> 00:03:14,903
Chris broke up
with his girlfriend a week ago,

85
00:03:14,904 --> 00:03:17,071
and I have decided
to ask him

86
00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,441
to be the father
of my baby.

87
00:03:19,442 --> 00:03:21,575
Except I cannot work up
the nerve to do it.

88
00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,944
Turns out
they don't make greeting cards

89
00:03:23,945 --> 00:03:25,212
for asking your ex-boyfriend

90
00:03:25,213 --> 00:03:28,181
if he will
artificially inseminate you.

91
00:03:28,182 --> 00:03:31,184
Actually, Ron, I-I could
use your advice

92
00:03:31,185 --> 00:03:33,287
on how to be blunt
and honest.

93
00:03:34,038 --> 00:03:36,621
I want my friend
to do something for me,

94
00:03:36,991 --> 00:03:38,925
and I don't know how
to ask him.

95
00:03:38,926 --> 00:03:41,327
What do you want him to do?

96
00:03:41,328 --> 00:03:43,696
Plant ficuses.

97
00:03:43,697 --> 00:03:45,465
In my front yard.

98
00:03:45,466 --> 00:03:47,834
Grossest metaphor ever.

99
00:03:47,835 --> 00:03:48,835
I've seen your house.

100
00:03:48,836 --> 00:03:50,036
You'd have more success

101
00:03:50,037 --> 00:03:52,939
if he planted ficuses
in your backyard.

102
00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:54,706
No, I don't think so.

103
00:03:54,707 --> 00:03:58,040
Anyway, what if he thinks
I'm asking too much of him,

104
00:03:58,244 --> 00:04:00,312
and I ask him
to plant the ficuses,

105
00:04:00,313 --> 00:04:01,980
and he doesn't want to,
and he gets weird about it,

106
00:04:01,981 --> 00:04:03,148
and it ruins our friendship?

107
00:04:03,149 --> 00:04:05,451
Then plant
the damn ficuses yourself.

108
00:04:05,452 --> 00:04:08,720
I wish that were possible.

109
00:04:08,721 --> 00:04:12,054
We are so excited
to have you working with us

110
00:04:12,724 --> 00:04:15,426
here at the all-new
Sweetums Foundation.

111
00:04:15,427 --> 00:04:18,596
This is your office.

112
00:04:18,597 --> 00:04:20,698
This is incredible.

113
00:04:20,699 --> 00:04:23,033
And look at that art.

114
00:04:23,034 --> 00:04:25,702
Ah, yes.
My late husband.

115
00:04:25,703 --> 00:04:27,804
He was so decrepit.

116
00:04:29,206 --> 00:04:30,406
I really like helping people.

117
00:04:30,407 --> 00:04:32,375
Running the new
Sweetums Foundation charity

118
00:04:32,376 --> 00:04:34,243
allows me to do that

119
00:04:34,244 --> 00:04:37,577
and work in an office
with more mahogany wood

120
00:04:38,015 --> 00:04:41,348
than currently remains
in the Amazon rain forest.

121
00:04:41,385 --> 00:04:44,052
So, win-win.

122
00:04:44,053 --> 00:04:45,754
Except for the rain forest.

123
00:04:45,755 --> 00:04:49,088
I need you to select
your first charity by tomorrow.

124
00:04:49,793 --> 00:04:51,794
Sweetums' public image
is currently

125
00:04:51,795 --> 00:04:53,362
at an all-time low.

126
00:04:53,363 --> 00:04:54,563
Yeah, there's even
a rumor going around

127
00:04:54,564 --> 00:04:56,732
that the chocolate
is made of rat parts.

128
00:04:56,733 --> 00:04:57,866
Well...

129
00:04:57,867 --> 00:04:58,967
You know what they say
about rumors.

130
00:04:58,968 --> 00:05:01,068
- Yeah.
- They're mostly true.

131
00:05:01,069 --> 00:05:02,937
Including the rat thing?

132
00:05:02,938 --> 00:05:04,105
Yeah.
What are you gonna do?

133
00:05:04,106 --> 00:05:05,874
It's where
all the flavor comes from.

134
00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:09,208
Oh, would you look at that.
There is a smudge on my tail.

135
00:05:09,712 --> 00:05:11,312
Oh!

136
00:05:13,181 --> 00:05:15,849
All better.

137
00:05:15,850 --> 00:05:17,384
Ladies and gentlemen,

138
00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:19,285
welcome to the Pawnee
Correspondents' Lunch,

139
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:20,854
where politicians
and the media

140
00:05:20,855 --> 00:05:22,322
make fun of each other.

141
00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:23,590
But, if you ask me,

142
00:05:23,591 --> 00:05:25,258
we should be making fun
of the food.

143
00:05:25,259 --> 00:05:27,293
"I am not the cook."

144
00:05:28,630 --> 00:05:30,029
Oh, well, well, well.

145
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,464
If it isn't Kim Terlando
from the Pawnee Sun.

146
00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:34,433
Do you happen
to have a can opener?

147
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:36,869
'Cause I'm about
to open this on you.

148
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:39,038
Did you make that can
of "whoop ass"

149
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:40,439
for this exact moment?

150
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:41,941
Yeah, I came prepared.

151
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,475
I'd expect nothing less.

152
00:05:43,476 --> 00:05:44,644
Good luck with your speech.

153
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:45,710
Uh, my speech doesn't need
your luck.

154
00:05:45,711 --> 00:05:47,445
It needs
a Surgeon General's warning

155
00:05:47,446 --> 00:05:49,147
because it's so harmful
to your health.

156
00:05:49,148 --> 00:05:50,949
Oh, look, it has one.

157
00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:52,851
That's how ready I am.

158
00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:54,317
I'm glad you're so confident.

159
00:05:54,318 --> 00:05:55,318
Nice to see you.

160
00:05:55,319 --> 00:05:57,688
It was nice to see you too.

161
00:05:59,123 --> 00:06:01,391
Chris, can I talk
to you for a second?

162
00:06:01,392 --> 00:06:02,993
Absolutely.
I cannot wait.

163
00:06:02,994 --> 00:06:04,227
One second.
Excuse me, sir.

164
00:06:04,228 --> 00:06:06,363
I think I accidentally
got the meat option.

165
00:06:06,364 --> 00:06:07,965
Yeah, and I got
the veggie option.

166
00:06:07,966 --> 00:06:10,399
Shauna Malwae-Tweep,

167
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:11,701
my ex-girlfriend.

168
00:06:11,702 --> 00:06:13,803
It seems like you and I
have a classic mix 'em up.

169
00:06:13,804 --> 00:06:15,504
Yeah, fancy meeting you here.

170
00:06:15,505 --> 00:06:17,273
This isn't awkward
for you, is it?

171
00:06:17,274 --> 00:06:18,340
Chris, it's okay.

172
00:06:18,341 --> 00:06:19,876
You wanna switch?
I'm starving.

173
00:06:19,877 --> 00:06:21,310
Definitely.

174
00:06:24,048 --> 00:06:26,682
Whoa! Check out
the new digs.

175
00:06:26,683 --> 00:06:27,816
This place is insane.

176
00:06:27,817 --> 00:06:29,051
Thanks for coming, guys.

177
00:06:29,052 --> 00:06:31,252
I'm super swamped,
and I need your help.

178
00:06:31,253 --> 00:06:32,487
Pass.

179
00:06:32,488 --> 00:06:34,756
You came down here
to pass on helping me?

180
00:06:34,757 --> 00:06:36,458
Yeah, I wanted to see
what your face looked like

181
00:06:36,459 --> 00:06:37,525
when I said no.

182
00:06:37,526 --> 00:06:39,595
It was totally worth it.

183
00:06:39,596 --> 00:06:41,596
Andy, are you okay?

184
00:06:41,597 --> 00:06:42,863
Oh, I'm fine.

185
00:06:42,864 --> 00:06:44,331
It's just
that life is pointless

186
00:06:44,332 --> 00:06:46,033
and nothing matters
and I'm always tired.

187
00:06:46,034 --> 00:06:48,435
Also, I can't sleep,
I'm overeating,

188
00:06:48,436 --> 00:06:50,905
none of my old hobbies
interest me.

189
00:06:50,906 --> 00:06:53,273
Ever since Andy failed
the police academy exam,

190
00:06:53,274 --> 00:06:55,576
his self-esteem
has hit rock bottom.

191
00:06:55,577 --> 00:06:58,411
He's always sad and sweaty.

192
00:06:58,412 --> 00:07:00,747
He's usually happy and sweaty.

193
00:07:00,748 --> 00:07:03,549
I have to pick
our first charity by tomorrow,

194
00:07:03,550 --> 00:07:05,184
and there's
a million applications.

195
00:07:05,185 --> 00:07:07,353
Can you guys
help me sort 'em out?

196
00:07:07,354 --> 00:07:09,255
You know what?
This sounds like fun.

197
00:07:09,256 --> 00:07:11,024
Babe, come on.

198
00:07:11,025 --> 00:07:13,593
Let's help him.
It'll be fun.

199
00:07:13,594 --> 00:07:15,360
Well, it sounds
like you guys got it covered.

200
00:07:15,361 --> 00:07:16,595
I'm gonna head out.

201
00:07:16,596 --> 00:07:17,863
Actually have my own charity
to attend to.

202
00:07:17,864 --> 00:07:19,732
Tommy's tummy foundation.

203
00:07:19,733 --> 00:07:21,266
Well, they bring me
fancy lunches here.

204
00:07:21,267 --> 00:07:22,601
If you stay,
you can have some.

205
00:07:22,602 --> 00:07:25,704
What? Crab, caviar?

206
00:07:25,705 --> 00:07:27,606
On behalf
of Tommy's tummy foundation,

207
00:07:27,607 --> 00:07:30,708
I'm happy to accept
this generous donation.

208
00:07:30,709 --> 00:07:33,210
Please welcome Kim Terlando.

209
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:38,315
Thank you, Martin.

210
00:07:38,316 --> 00:07:40,118
It's nice to be here

211
00:07:40,119 --> 00:07:42,854
among all
of these excellent journalists.

212
00:07:42,855 --> 00:07:44,956
And also the people
that work with me

213
00:07:44,957 --> 00:07:46,790
over at the Pawnee Sun.

214
00:07:47,825 --> 00:07:49,059
Damn it.

215
00:07:49,060 --> 00:07:50,593
That was my opener.

216
00:07:50,594 --> 00:07:53,030
Now I love working
at the Sun, okay?

217
00:07:53,031 --> 00:07:55,766
And I know you all think
it's just a useless tabloid,

218
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:56,900
but it's not.

219
00:07:56,901 --> 00:07:58,234
It is great.

220
00:07:58,235 --> 00:08:00,103
For housebreaking puppies.

221
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:02,905
Those are my jokes.

222
00:08:02,906 --> 00:08:04,606
She's stealing my jokes.

223
00:08:04,607 --> 00:08:06,175
Some people say

224
00:08:06,176 --> 00:08:08,678
that the Sun has a problem
with the truth.

225
00:08:08,679 --> 00:08:11,346
There's no problem,
we just ignore it.

226
00:08:16,586 --> 00:08:18,352
Jerry, stop laughing.
Those are stolen jokes!

227
00:08:18,353 --> 00:08:20,021
Totally dead.

228
00:08:20,022 --> 00:08:21,355
What am I gonna do?

229
00:08:21,356 --> 00:08:23,658
Oh! I just opened up
a can of "whoop ass" on myself!

230
00:08:24,841 --> 00:08:28,108
I remember the very first
Correspondents' Lunch.

231
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,508
I rode here in a horse and buggy.

232
00:08:32,010 --> 00:08:34,946
No, no, no,
that wasn't a joke.

233
00:08:34,947 --> 00:08:37,615
I actually did.

234
00:08:37,616 --> 00:08:38,817
That also was not a joke.

235
00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:41,553
Ron, Kim told
all my jokes, all of them.

236
00:08:41,554 --> 00:08:43,888
She must have gotten
a copy of my speech.

237
00:08:43,889 --> 00:08:44,989
Did anybody lose their copy?

238
00:08:44,990 --> 00:08:46,190
- Nope.
- Right here.

239
00:08:46,191 --> 00:08:49,192
Mine is right here.

240
00:08:49,193 --> 00:08:50,694
Oh, jeez.

241
00:08:50,695 --> 00:08:53,263
Go stand in the corner and
think about what you've done.

242
00:08:53,264 --> 00:08:55,265
And no dessert!

243
00:08:55,266 --> 00:08:56,700
I need new material,
and it needs to be great,

244
00:08:56,701 --> 00:08:58,535
and it needs
to knock people on their butts,

245
00:08:58,536 --> 00:09:01,171
and it needs to transcend
the genre of roast comedy.

246
00:09:01,172 --> 00:09:03,172
- Perkins, go.
- Oh, wow.

247
00:09:03,173 --> 00:09:04,740
Um, okay,

248
00:09:04,741 --> 00:09:07,276
so Councilman Milton
is old, right?

249
00:09:07,277 --> 00:09:08,945
And he's wearing a green tie.

250
00:09:08,946 --> 00:09:10,212
So, like, maybe
there's something there,

251
00:09:10,213 --> 00:09:11,781
where, like,
he went to school

252
00:09:11,782 --> 00:09:13,616
with his high-school buddies
that were dinosaurs.

253
00:09:13,617 --> 00:09:15,084
And his tie is green.

254
00:09:15,085 --> 00:09:17,887
They're green.

255
00:09:17,888 --> 00:09:19,855
Oh, Ann, you're too
beautiful to be funny.

256
00:09:19,856 --> 00:09:21,322
It's not your fault.

257
00:09:21,323 --> 00:09:22,757
You've never had
to compensate for anything.

258
00:09:22,758 --> 00:09:25,894
The rest of you ugly nerds
need to give me some jokes stat.

259
00:09:25,895 --> 00:09:27,562
Ben?

260
00:09:27,563 --> 00:09:29,531
Ben?

261
00:09:29,532 --> 00:09:30,699
Yeah, Andy.

262
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:31,833
I think
I might have found something

263
00:09:31,834 --> 00:09:33,167
that's actually pretty cool.

264
00:09:33,168 --> 00:09:35,235
Okay, well, just put it aside,
and I'll read it later.

265
00:09:35,236 --> 00:09:36,604
No. Andy found it,

266
00:09:36,605 --> 00:09:39,272
and he's gonna tell you
about it right now. Go, babe.

267
00:09:39,273 --> 00:09:42,606
Uh, it's
the Redwood Music Program.

268
00:09:42,844 --> 00:09:46,177
It's an after-school music class
for at-risk kids.

269
00:09:46,481 --> 00:09:47,948
- It'll keep them off the street.
- Whoa.

270
00:09:47,949 --> 00:09:50,984
And the streets,
as you know, are dangerous.

271
00:09:50,985 --> 00:09:53,419
Example... I fell
in a sewer grate once.

272
00:09:53,420 --> 00:09:54,420
I was there all day.

273
00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:55,889
In conclusion,

274
00:09:55,890 --> 00:09:58,825
we cannot let our children
live in the sewer any longer.

275
00:09:58,826 --> 00:10:02,159
Redwood Music Program...
go, your honor, amen.

276
00:10:02,830 --> 00:10:03,997
That's a great idea.

277
00:10:03,998 --> 00:10:05,899
Anyone else come across
anything good?

278
00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:08,734
Tom?

279
00:10:08,735 --> 00:10:10,235
Um, yeah.

280
00:10:10,236 --> 00:10:11,904
I got a good one.

281
00:10:11,905 --> 00:10:15,238
It's called
the Clean Sheet Foundation.

282
00:10:15,975 --> 00:10:17,475
That's my pick.

283
00:10:17,476 --> 00:10:20,809
They provide legal assistance
to the KKK.

284
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,414
This is your pick?

285
00:10:22,415 --> 00:10:24,682
Yeah. Can you pass
the bonbons?

286
00:10:24,683 --> 00:10:27,752
Perd Hapley is here today.

287
00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:28,920
Or, as Perd would say,

288
00:10:28,921 --> 00:10:30,621
"My name is Perd Hapley,

289
00:10:30,622 --> 00:10:33,955
and the person
I see here today... is me."

290
00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:38,162
Everyone seems
to be laughing now.

291
00:10:38,163 --> 00:10:41,031
Do you see what is happening
with Chris and Shauna?

292
00:10:41,032 --> 00:10:43,600
They are flirting like crazy.

293
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,334
It's disgusting.
They're in public.

294
00:10:45,335 --> 00:10:47,003
That's called a conversation.

295
00:10:47,004 --> 00:10:50,173
Ron, there are
no ficuses, okay?

296
00:10:50,174 --> 00:10:53,176
I wanted to ask Chris
to be the father of my baby.

297
00:10:53,177 --> 00:10:54,377
Good God.

298
00:10:54,378 --> 00:10:55,778
And the metaphor you chose

299
00:10:55,779 --> 00:10:58,180
was planting ficuses
in your front yard?

300
00:10:58,181 --> 00:11:00,015
I was gonna wait till
he was single to ask him,

301
00:11:00,016 --> 00:11:01,349
but now he's flirting
with Shauna again.

302
00:11:01,350 --> 00:11:03,285
What do I do?

303
00:11:04,487 --> 00:11:06,855
- It's been nice talking to you.
- What?

304
00:11:08,692 --> 00:11:10,192
Maybe I should
just do impressions.

305
00:11:10,193 --> 00:11:12,193
"I'm-a Borat."
There's one.

306
00:11:12,194 --> 00:11:14,361
But I need to do someone
that no one has heard before.

307
00:11:14,362 --> 00:11:16,130
Like, I don't know,
Neve Campbell?

308
00:11:16,131 --> 00:11:17,198
What does
Neve Campbell sound like?

309
00:11:17,199 --> 00:11:19,533
I don't know.

310
00:11:19,534 --> 00:11:21,836
Someone, tell me
what Neve Campbell sounds like.

311
00:11:21,837 --> 00:11:23,471
Just keep it short
and get the hell out of there.

312
00:11:24,573 --> 00:11:25,940
Thank you.

313
00:11:25,941 --> 00:11:28,208
Our next guest has asked me
to read this.

314
00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:30,543
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I forgot I did this.

315
00:11:30,544 --> 00:11:31,812
Joan, no...

316
00:11:31,813 --> 00:11:33,213
"Strap on
your adult diapers, everyone.

317
00:11:33,214 --> 00:11:36,547
"Because you're about
to wet yourself from laughter.

318
00:11:36,985 --> 00:11:38,284
Give it up for Leslie Knope."

319
00:11:43,490 --> 00:11:45,858
"Whassup," Pawnee?

320
00:11:47,227 --> 00:11:48,961
Um...

321
00:11:48,962 --> 00:11:49,996
Borat.

322
00:11:52,599 --> 00:11:54,000
Well, that's my time.

323
00:11:54,001 --> 00:11:55,101
They're giving me the light.

324
00:11:55,102 --> 00:11:58,435
So, uh, I did great.

325
00:11:58,438 --> 00:11:59,604
Thank you, Leslie Knope.

326
00:11:59,605 --> 00:12:00,705
You know what they say.

327
00:12:00,706 --> 00:12:02,007
Drama is hard,

328
00:12:02,008 --> 00:12:04,609
and sometimes comedy
is not in our wheelhouse.

329
00:12:06,411 --> 00:12:08,747
Tom, do you have
to run that right now?

330
00:12:08,748 --> 00:12:10,048
Oh, no, Ben!

331
00:12:10,049 --> 00:12:13,382
These smoothies will
just blend themselves!

332
00:12:15,553 --> 00:12:16,654
Okay.

333
00:12:19,758 --> 00:12:22,192
Think I have our winner.

334
00:12:22,193 --> 00:12:23,727
It's called
Rural Ambu-care.

335
00:12:23,728 --> 00:12:25,529
They want to buy an ambulance

336
00:12:25,530 --> 00:12:27,497
for people who live far away
from the hospital.

337
00:12:27,498 --> 00:12:28,832
Ambulances are dumb.

338
00:12:28,833 --> 00:12:30,367
When has an ambulance
ever helped anyone?

339
00:12:30,368 --> 00:12:31,934
What about Andy's music thing?

340
00:12:31,935 --> 00:12:33,069
Well, this is a great service

341
00:12:33,070 --> 00:12:34,570
that will help a lot
of needy people.

342
00:12:34,571 --> 00:12:35,571
Sorry, Andy.

343
00:12:35,572 --> 00:12:37,707
Why? No, it's totally fine.

344
00:12:37,708 --> 00:12:39,608
I'm happy for them.
That's awesome.

345
00:12:39,609 --> 00:12:40,710
You know what I'm gonna do?

346
00:12:40,711 --> 00:12:43,112
I'm gonna head out
to, uh, the car.

347
00:12:43,113 --> 00:12:44,213
It's a little hot in here,
a little sweaty.

348
00:12:44,214 --> 00:12:45,948
Well,
I'm terribly disappointed.

349
00:12:45,949 --> 00:12:49,282
But I'm sure
the doctors or giraffes

350
00:12:49,385 --> 00:12:51,452
or whatever you decided
to help

351
00:12:51,453 --> 00:12:52,688
will be thrilled

352
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,623
with the whatever you decided
to whatever.

353
00:12:55,624 --> 00:12:56,658
I'm outtie.

354
00:12:56,659 --> 00:12:58,927
Great job, team.

355
00:12:58,928 --> 00:13:00,062
What?

356
00:13:00,063 --> 00:13:01,863
Ever since Andy failed
the police exam,

357
00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:03,130
he's been really depressed.

358
00:13:03,131 --> 00:13:04,498
Picking out a dumb charity

359
00:13:04,499 --> 00:13:06,300
is the most excited
he's been in weeks.

360
00:13:06,301 --> 00:13:07,601
You're so selfish.

361
00:13:07,602 --> 00:13:09,770
Selfish?
I'm running a charity.

362
00:13:09,771 --> 00:13:12,106
Oh, it's all about
what you're doing, isn't it?

363
00:13:12,107 --> 00:13:14,975
Classic Ben!

364
00:13:14,976 --> 00:13:17,111
Sorry, forgot the oysters.

365
00:13:17,112 --> 00:13:18,380
Great work today.

366
00:13:20,581 --> 00:13:21,247
Christopher.

367
00:13:21,248 --> 00:13:23,583
"Chris-toe-fur."

368
00:13:23,584 --> 00:13:24,617
It's like you have furry toes.

369
00:13:24,618 --> 00:13:26,252
Hilarious.

370
00:13:26,253 --> 00:13:28,354
I have a question... for you.

371
00:13:28,355 --> 00:13:30,456
It's something very important.

372
00:13:30,457 --> 00:13:33,093
Which is...

373
00:13:33,094 --> 00:13:36,427
What is your... Spirit animal?

374
00:13:36,429 --> 00:13:38,597
Jaguar. Why do you ask?

375
00:13:38,598 --> 00:13:39,631
Doin' a survey.

376
00:13:39,632 --> 00:13:41,100
Well, survey completed.

377
00:13:41,101 --> 00:13:42,667
So take 'er easy.

378
00:13:42,668 --> 00:13:43,736
Uh, you didn't ask me.

379
00:13:43,737 --> 00:13:44,903
But if you had,

380
00:13:44,904 --> 00:13:46,839
the answer
I would have given is... Doggie.

381
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,441
Chris, Ann wants
to ask you something right now.

382
00:13:49,442 --> 00:13:50,808
Go, Ann.

383
00:13:50,809 --> 00:13:52,409
- In front of Perd?
- Yes.

384
00:13:52,410 --> 00:13:55,346
No more delays. Go.

385
00:13:55,347 --> 00:13:56,347
I want to have a baby.

386
00:13:56,348 --> 00:13:59,681
Will you be the sperm donor?

387
00:14:01,086 --> 00:14:03,387
The story
of this situation is

388
00:14:03,388 --> 00:14:05,623
it's extremely personal.

389
00:14:05,624 --> 00:14:08,957
Think it over. Bye.

390
00:14:09,526 --> 00:14:11,795
Leslie, permission
to leave the corner.

391
00:14:11,796 --> 00:14:13,163
Denied.

392
00:14:13,164 --> 00:14:14,731
But, look, I did not
lose your speech after all.

393
00:14:14,732 --> 00:14:16,366
I forgot.

394
00:14:16,367 --> 00:14:18,568
I put it in my shoe
for safekeeping.

395
00:14:18,969 --> 00:14:21,237
It's a little moist,
but it is still here.

396
00:14:21,238 --> 00:14:23,273
Well, then how did Kim
get the speech?

397
00:14:23,274 --> 00:14:24,974
Wait a minute.

398
00:14:24,975 --> 00:14:27,343
The Pawnee Sun has been
one step ahead of me for months.

399
00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:28,444
They knew that Kernston's

400
00:14:28,445 --> 00:14:30,379
withdrew its sponsorship
of the Commons

401
00:14:30,380 --> 00:14:31,747
before I even announced it.

402
00:14:31,748 --> 00:14:33,181
They asked me

403
00:14:33,182 --> 00:14:34,616
about the sewage eruption
in Ramsett Park

404
00:14:34,617 --> 00:14:36,418
right after Ron emailed me
about it.

405
00:14:36,419 --> 00:14:38,420
And Kim asked me
if I liked

406
00:14:38,421 --> 00:14:40,088
the first season
Army Wives

407
00:14:40,089 --> 00:14:43,258
just moments
after Netflix did.

408
00:14:43,259 --> 00:14:45,193
The Pawnee Sun
hacked my email.

409
00:14:45,194 --> 00:14:47,161
I've been hacked!

410
00:14:47,162 --> 00:14:50,030
Okay, smashing your phone
won't stop hacking.

411
00:14:50,031 --> 00:14:51,231
That's also my phone.

412
00:14:51,232 --> 00:14:53,334
Jerry, quiet!
This is serious.

413
00:14:54,633 --> 00:14:56,766
Well, the police said they're
gonna launch an investigation

414
00:14:56,767 --> 00:14:58,235
to see whether or not
I was hacked.

415
00:14:58,236 --> 00:15:00,203
But it's very complicated,
and it could take up to a month.

416
00:15:00,204 --> 00:15:02,321
There is nothing
more disgusting

417
00:15:02,322 --> 00:15:03,422
than an invasion of privacy.

418
00:15:03,423 --> 00:15:04,590
And I should know.

419
00:15:04,591 --> 00:15:06,892
I've had many women steal
my undershirts.

420
00:15:06,893 --> 00:15:08,593
I have a press conference
about the Pawnee Commons

421
00:15:08,594 --> 00:15:09,794
in two hours.

422
00:15:09,795 --> 00:15:11,228
So I need
to go through every email

423
00:15:11,229 --> 00:15:12,530
that I've ever sent, ever.

424
00:15:12,531 --> 00:15:14,899
I need to know what
they might use against me.

425
00:15:14,900 --> 00:15:16,300
You can't hack
into a typewriter.

426
00:15:16,301 --> 00:15:17,502
That's all I have to say.

427
00:15:17,503 --> 00:15:18,603
Can it, Unabomber.

428
00:15:18,604 --> 00:15:20,738
This is an emergency.

429
00:15:20,739 --> 00:15:22,941
- Hey, Ben.
- Hi.

430
00:15:22,942 --> 00:15:24,908
You wanted to talk to me?
Or probably not.

431
00:15:24,909 --> 00:15:26,777
I mean, I don't even want
to talk to me.

432
00:15:26,778 --> 00:15:28,579
- No, I wanted to talk to you.
- Oh.

433
00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:30,747
I just wanted to thank you
so much for your help, Andy.

434
00:15:30,748 --> 00:15:33,316
Sorry we didn't wind up choosing
the after-school music program.

435
00:15:33,317 --> 00:15:34,785
It's just...
I totally get it.

436
00:15:34,786 --> 00:15:36,319
The music program
would be effective,

437
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,155
but the ambulance
is gonna help people right now

438
00:15:39,156 --> 00:15:40,389
who are in trouble

439
00:15:40,390 --> 00:15:41,958
and will probably look good
in the media.

440
00:15:42,459 --> 00:15:45,292
Yeah, that's...
exactly right.

441
00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:46,829
Your morning tea, Mr. Wyatt.

442
00:15:46,830 --> 00:15:48,263
Imagine all the money
you could save

443
00:15:48,264 --> 00:15:49,932
if you didn't have to pay
for this expensive stuff.

444
00:15:49,933 --> 00:15:51,133
Am I right?

445
00:15:51,134 --> 00:15:52,702
You could help,
like, a zillion more charities.

446
00:15:52,703 --> 00:15:55,337
Yeah, that's...
also exactly right.

447
00:15:55,838 --> 00:15:57,338
I feel like
I should have thought of that.

448
00:15:57,339 --> 00:15:58,473
Well, let me tell you

449
00:15:58,474 --> 00:16:00,274
something else
that's interesting, Ben.

450
00:16:00,775 --> 00:16:04,012
- What?
- I farted five minutes ago.

451
00:16:04,013 --> 00:16:05,813
Didn't even smell it
till just now.

452
00:16:05,814 --> 00:16:07,848
That's how tight my pants are.

453
00:16:07,849 --> 00:16:09,417
Anyhow...

454
00:16:09,418 --> 00:16:10,785
Later days, dudes.

455
00:16:13,754 --> 00:16:15,523
Okay, nothing too bad so far.

456
00:16:15,524 --> 00:16:18,857
There's a "Top Ten
Ben's butt 2012 slide show."

457
00:16:19,027 --> 00:16:21,294
You emailed it to Ben
and Ann...

458
00:16:21,795 --> 00:16:23,230
And The Huffington Post?

459
00:16:23,231 --> 00:16:24,698
Yeah, I'm not embarrassed
by that.

460
00:16:24,699 --> 00:16:26,000
Who is Todo Toadfoot?

461
00:16:26,001 --> 00:16:27,501
You wrote him an email

462
00:16:27,502 --> 00:16:30,236
about riding your dragons
to Pelennor Fields

463
00:16:30,237 --> 00:16:32,739
and signed it
"Dimple Broadbelt of Buckland."

464
00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:34,908
Yes, that's Ben and my
fantasy Lord Of The Rings

465
00:16:34,909 --> 00:16:36,009
pen pal letters.

466
00:16:36,010 --> 00:16:37,476
I am a little embarrassed
by that.

467
00:16:37,477 --> 00:16:40,179
Here's one to me,
and it just says "Thanks."

468
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:41,480
You're welcome.

469
00:16:41,481 --> 00:16:43,215
Oh, great,
I got a new email

470
00:16:43,216 --> 00:16:44,883
about the parking lot
at the Pawnee Commons.

471
00:16:44,884 --> 00:16:46,818
I keep getting emails
all the time!

472
00:16:46,819 --> 00:16:49,555
I have to do well
at this press conference! Donna!

473
00:16:49,556 --> 00:16:50,622
Listen, freaky.

474
00:16:50,623 --> 00:16:52,424
Every single one
of my boyfriends

475
00:16:52,425 --> 00:16:55,493
has tried to hack into my email.
I've got an idea...

476
00:16:55,794 --> 00:16:57,495
Everybody out.

477
00:17:02,067 --> 00:17:04,902
Ann Perkins, I see you
behind that attractive purse.

478
00:17:04,903 --> 00:17:06,503
You haven't returned
any of my calls.

479
00:17:06,904 --> 00:17:09,837
Yeah, that's because,
uh, I'm mortified.

480
00:17:10,308 --> 00:17:13,641
I'm so sorry
that I was so weird and blunt.

481
00:17:13,895 --> 00:17:15,995
I am touched and honored

482
00:17:15,996 --> 00:17:17,163
that you would
even consider me

483
00:17:17,164 --> 00:17:18,597
to be the father
of your child.

484
00:17:18,598 --> 00:17:20,633
And I'm glad that you
came right out and said it.

485
00:17:20,634 --> 00:17:22,168
I mean, if we're
really considering this,

486
00:17:22,169 --> 00:17:25,502
then we have to start
at a place of complete honesty.

487
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,106
You're right.

488
00:17:27,107 --> 00:17:29,042
And I'll start now.

489
00:17:29,043 --> 00:17:32,144
You are a great specimen.

490
00:17:32,145 --> 00:17:33,912
That's a terrible choice
of words.

491
00:17:34,413 --> 00:17:38,246
If my baby turned out
to be anything like you...

492
00:17:39,352 --> 00:17:42,654
I'd be lucky.

493
00:17:42,655 --> 00:17:45,123
Can I have just a little bit
of time to think about it?

494
00:17:45,124 --> 00:17:46,291
Of course, yes.

495
00:17:46,292 --> 00:17:47,659
Take as much time as you want.

496
00:17:47,660 --> 00:17:49,193
Or just maybe, like,
a couple days.

497
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:50,494
'Cause I'm getting antsy.

498
00:17:50,495 --> 00:17:51,963
And I'm ovulating on Thursday.

499
00:17:51,964 --> 00:17:53,430
So, chop-chop.

500
00:17:53,431 --> 00:17:56,600
But take your time.

501
00:17:56,601 --> 00:17:59,603
Wear loose pants!

502
00:18:01,974 --> 00:18:03,841
I gotta tell you, Ron.

503
00:18:03,842 --> 00:18:07,175
You were absolutely
and totally right.

504
00:18:07,311 --> 00:18:09,246
I know. Stop talking
and get out.

505
00:18:09,247 --> 00:18:10,415
Yep.

506
00:18:12,116 --> 00:18:15,252
The redneck ambulance
is a great choice.

507
00:18:15,253 --> 00:18:17,687
We can release
a publicity shot

508
00:18:17,688 --> 00:18:19,722
of a bucktoothed hayseed
taking medicine

509
00:18:19,723 --> 00:18:21,690
for the first time in his life.

510
00:18:21,691 --> 00:18:23,859
We can figure out
the photo later.

511
00:18:23,860 --> 00:18:25,928
Oh, I forgot!

512
00:18:25,929 --> 00:18:28,063
It's Fondue Friday. Yay!

513
00:18:28,064 --> 00:18:29,731
Yeah, also,
as President of the foundation,

514
00:18:29,732 --> 00:18:30,866
I'm making a few changes.

515
00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:33,202
I'm giving up this office.

516
00:18:33,203 --> 00:18:35,237
And no more visits
from a masseuse

517
00:18:35,238 --> 00:18:36,837
or fancy lunches.

518
00:18:36,838 --> 00:18:38,239
It's way out of hand.

519
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,109
Sweetie, all the money
we spend on the foundation

520
00:18:41,110 --> 00:18:42,944
is tax deductible.

521
00:18:42,945 --> 00:18:44,979
I know, and it's
a huge waste of money.

522
00:18:44,980 --> 00:18:47,382
I mean, there's plenty
of cheap office space around.

523
00:18:47,383 --> 00:18:49,217
And I have an idea

524
00:18:49,218 --> 00:18:50,518
for how to use some
of the money we'll save.

525
00:18:51,686 --> 00:18:54,221
Get yourself
a matching nude portrait?

526
00:18:54,222 --> 00:18:56,356
- I can call the painter.
- Please don't.

527
00:18:56,357 --> 00:18:59,393
First, I'd like you all
to check under your chairs.

528
00:18:59,394 --> 00:19:02,727
I think you might be surprised
and excited by what you find.

529
00:19:02,964 --> 00:19:04,031
- Is it chocolate?
- Even better.

530
00:19:04,032 --> 00:19:05,365
It's dirt.

531
00:19:05,366 --> 00:19:07,867
The EPA has recently reviewed
our soil samples,

532
00:19:07,868 --> 00:19:09,768
and they determined
that we achieved,

533
00:19:09,769 --> 00:19:12,871
and I quote,
"Minimal acceptable standards."

534
00:19:12,872 --> 00:19:15,374
So...
not too shabby.

535
00:19:15,375 --> 00:19:17,209
Uh, Councilwoman Knope,

536
00:19:17,210 --> 00:19:19,611
you've claimed construction
will take 18 months,

537
00:19:19,612 --> 00:19:21,680
but a source tells me
it will be much longer.

538
00:19:21,681 --> 00:19:24,416
I would...
I would deny that report.

539
00:19:24,417 --> 00:19:25,716
I've also learned

540
00:19:25,717 --> 00:19:29,050
that the EPA found
midi-chlorians in the soil.

541
00:19:29,455 --> 00:19:30,755
How serious is that,
exactly?

542
00:19:30,756 --> 00:19:32,523
It's very serious, Kim.

543
00:19:32,524 --> 00:19:34,859
It's almost as serious
as email hacking,

544
00:19:34,860 --> 00:19:36,962
which is what
you have been doing to me

545
00:19:36,963 --> 00:19:38,596
for weeks.

546
00:19:41,299 --> 00:19:43,834
I really thought
you guys would gasp there.

547
00:19:43,835 --> 00:19:45,902
That is a baseless accusation.

548
00:19:45,903 --> 00:19:48,305
Midi-chlorians
are a fictional substance

549
00:19:48,306 --> 00:19:50,907
found in the blood
of Jedi knights

550
00:19:50,908 --> 00:19:54,110
from the movie Star Wars
Episode 1: The Phantom Menace.

551
00:19:54,111 --> 00:19:55,812
Which, side-note,
was a terrible movie.

552
00:19:55,813 --> 00:19:57,113
It almost destroyed
the franchise,

553
00:19:57,114 --> 00:19:58,514
according to my husband.

554
00:19:58,515 --> 00:19:59,715
But that is neither here
nor there.

555
00:19:59,716 --> 00:20:01,852
The point is
I sent Councilwoman Knope

556
00:20:01,853 --> 00:20:04,753
the fake email about the EPA
finding midi-chlorians,

557
00:20:04,754 --> 00:20:05,788
an hour ago...

558
00:20:05,789 --> 00:20:07,056
As a trap.

559
00:20:07,057 --> 00:20:08,358
Into which you have fallen.

560
00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:09,825
Well...

561
00:20:09,826 --> 00:20:11,594
I have never seen Star Wars,

562
00:20:11,595 --> 00:20:14,629
because I was
too busy hooking up with guys.

563
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:16,031
Unlike you losers.

564
00:20:16,032 --> 00:20:19,001
Uh, you wanna
compare numbers, Terlando?

565
00:20:19,002 --> 00:20:20,435
Get to steppin'.

566
00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:21,803
I would just like
to point out

567
00:20:21,804 --> 00:20:24,072
that Kim Terlando
stole all of my jokes

568
00:20:24,073 --> 00:20:25,540
for the
Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch,

569
00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:26,808
and they were great jokes.

570
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:29,143
So I spent the whole night
writing new ones.

571
00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:32,113
Lucky for you,
let's get... started.

572
00:20:32,114 --> 00:20:33,647
I'm very excited
to be here.

573
00:20:33,648 --> 00:20:34,781
You know who else is excited
to be here?

574
00:20:34,782 --> 00:20:36,283
- Neve Campbell.
- Oh, boy.

575
00:20:36,284 --> 00:20:38,652
What a great party... of five.

576
00:20:38,653 --> 00:20:40,121
All right,
thank you, guys.

577
00:20:40,998 --> 00:20:43,799
The point is, I could use someone
to help me at the foundation

578
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:47,100
as a part-time assistant
but also an idea man.

579
00:20:47,101 --> 00:20:48,502
Might I suggest Tom?

580
00:20:49,003 --> 00:20:51,838
He loves ideas.
Also a man.

581
00:20:51,839 --> 00:20:55,172
What... No, Andy,
I've already chosen the person.

582
00:20:55,276 --> 00:20:58,609
And it is not Tom...

583
00:20:59,346 --> 00:21:01,447
Then who is it?

584
00:21:01,448 --> 00:21:04,781
Well, he is, uh, sitting
right here in this courtyard.

585
00:21:08,321 --> 00:21:10,656
That guy?
Do you even know him?

586
00:21:10,657 --> 00:21:12,091
Oh, my God, Andy,
it's you.

587
00:21:12,092 --> 00:21:15,425
I think you may have a knack
for charitable giving.

588
00:21:15,495 --> 00:21:17,730
Will you come work for me?

589
00:21:17,731 --> 00:21:20,699
Uh-oh. What's happening?

590
00:21:20,700 --> 00:21:22,068
Oh.

591
00:21:22,568 --> 00:21:27,612
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com