1
00:00:15,543 --> 00:00:18,812
I'm looking for Ronald Ulysses Swanson?

2
00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:21,616
He stepped out.
Can I take a message?

3
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,392
Sure. Tell him
he just won a free dinner

4
00:00:23,404 --> 00:00:24,737
from St. Elmo steak house.

5
00:00:26,775 --> 00:00:28,428
I'm Ron Swanson!

6
00:00:28,827 --> 00:00:31,305
You've been served.
Have a nice day.

7
00:00:31,529 --> 00:00:33,150
I don't like you.

8
00:00:33,463 --> 00:00:34,931
But I respect the effort.

9
00:00:34,990 --> 00:00:36,264
Oh, man, subpoena?

10
00:00:36,282 --> 00:00:38,265
Which ex-wife is it,
Tammy one or Tammy two?

11
00:00:38,296 --> 00:00:39,612
Neither.

12
00:00:39,755 --> 00:00:42,296
Apparently councilman
Jeremy Jamm is not pleased

13
00:00:42,315 --> 00:00:45,156
that I punched him in the face
on the night of Leslie's wedding.

14
00:00:45,199 --> 00:00:46,467
He's suing me.

15
00:00:46,656 --> 00:00:49,230
$13,000
for orthodontic surgery,

16
00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:50,954
$6,000 for enamel repair,

17
00:00:50,979 --> 00:00:54,116
and $46 million
for psychological damages.

18
00:00:54,151 --> 00:00:55,742
Yeah, that seems
about accurate.

19
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,613
That guy is the worst.

20
00:00:57,660 --> 00:00:59,105
We should sue Jamm's parents

21
00:00:59,124 --> 00:01:01,087
for spawning
a human turdburger.

22
00:01:01,131 --> 00:01:02,967
Ron, hey,
let me be your lawyer.

23
00:01:02,992 --> 00:01:04,602
I'll object
to everything anyone says,

24
00:01:04,614 --> 00:01:06,676
trial will go on forever,
you don't have to pay.

25
00:01:06,724 --> 00:01:07,925
Problem solved.

26
00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:09,065
That's a kind offer, Andrew,

27
00:01:09,084 --> 00:01:10,855
but I won't be hiring
an attorney.

28
00:01:10,908 --> 00:01:12,354
I'll represent myself,

29
00:01:12,377 --> 00:01:15,315
as I do in all legal matters
and livestock auctions.

30
00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:17,990
I wish we had $46 million.

31
00:01:18,026 --> 00:01:19,849
We could buy my parents' house
and evict them.

32
00:01:19,861 --> 00:01:21,084
Surprised he's taking it
this well.

33
00:01:21,106 --> 00:01:22,258
Aghh!

34
00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:27,710
April, could you
call maintenance please?

35
00:01:40,381 --> 00:01:44,385
Parks and Recreation
S05E17
Partridge

36
00:01:44,429 --> 00:01:49,434
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com

37
00:01:50,095 --> 00:01:52,092
Okay, move a little bit
to your left

38
00:01:52,110 --> 00:01:53,555
and then turn to the side.

39
00:01:53,579 --> 00:01:55,859
Okay, and freeze.

40
00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:57,797
That is the exact spot

41
00:01:57,884 --> 00:02:00,411
where an 18-year-old
Ben Wyatt was inaugurated

42
00:02:00,430 --> 00:02:01,941
as mayor of Partridge,
Minnesota.

43
00:02:01,965 --> 00:02:04,614
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Yes, congratulations to you.

44
00:02:04,626 --> 00:02:05,815
- I don't know.
- I have chills.

45
00:02:05,833 --> 00:02:07,967
Can't believe they're finally
giving me the key to the city.

46
00:02:07,979 --> 00:02:09,777
I can't believe
it took so long.

47
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:12,500
They gave the key to every other
mayor in the town's history,

48
00:02:12,513 --> 00:02:15,202
and I guarantee that none of them
had as cute a butt as you do.

49
00:02:15,214 --> 00:02:18,730
And none of them caused the city's
unemployment rate to hit 30%.

50
00:02:18,780 --> 00:02:21,082
You're so sexy when you talk
about percentages.

51
00:02:21,220 --> 00:02:23,857
When Ben was mayor,
he sunk all of the town's money

52
00:02:23,876 --> 00:02:26,721
into a winter sports complex
called "Ice Town,"

53
00:02:26,738 --> 00:02:28,079
and they went bankrupt.

54
00:02:28,097 --> 00:02:30,960
Now they've invited him back
as a gesture of goodwill,

55
00:02:30,991 --> 00:02:34,448
and he'll finally get some closure
on this miserable chapter in his life.

56
00:02:35,053 --> 00:02:36,091
Yay, Ben!

57
00:02:36,122 --> 00:02:37,042
Town hero!

58
00:02:37,079 --> 00:02:39,931
- Yes!
- Whoo!

59
00:02:41,754 --> 00:02:45,290
Well, if it isn't
the defendant, Ron Swansuck.

60
00:02:46,302 --> 00:02:47,430
Why are you doing this, Jamm?

61
00:02:47,443 --> 00:02:49,299
This lawsuit is
Chronicles of Riddick-ulous.

62
00:02:49,324 --> 00:02:50,156
I'll tell you why.

63
00:02:50,169 --> 00:02:52,697
It's 'cause I'm sick of
this whole Parks and Rec gang.

64
00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:53,530
That's why.

65
00:02:53,555 --> 00:02:55,930
This munch throws me
into a swimming pool.

66
00:02:56,039 --> 00:02:57,817
The nurse still
won't have sex with me,

67
00:02:57,829 --> 00:02:59,151
and she's not even queer.

68
00:02:59,163 --> 00:03:01,375
Now Swansuck punches me
in the mouth.

69
00:03:01,461 --> 00:03:04,082
It's what we
in the Jamm family call...

70
00:03:04,169 --> 00:03:05,036
"Payback time."

71
00:03:05,054 --> 00:03:06,087
Everyone calls it that.

72
00:03:06,099 --> 00:03:07,712
Yeah, because I invented it.

73
00:03:07,734 --> 00:03:10,364
Yeah, you're not gonna win
$50 million, you freak.

74
00:03:10,388 --> 00:03:11,334
Maybe not,

75
00:03:11,390 --> 00:03:14,662
but I'm not not going
to win nothing.

76
00:03:15,209 --> 00:03:16,493
Paul.

77
00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:18,846
That guy is a joke.

78
00:03:18,858 --> 00:03:20,703
This lawsuit is definitely
getting thrown out.

79
00:03:20,741 --> 00:03:22,752
I don't know, those are
Jean-Ralphio's lawyers.

80
00:03:22,777 --> 00:03:24,198
They once got him $60,000

81
00:03:24,216 --> 00:03:26,238
'cause he got too scared
at a haunted house.

82
00:03:29,518 --> 00:03:31,493
Okay, are you done?
Are we done? Did we win?

83
00:03:31,524 --> 00:03:34,032
- You can't win this.
- You can win at anything.

84
00:03:34,177 --> 00:03:36,181
Last year I won
an organic gardening contest.

85
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,734
Who were you competing against?

86
00:03:37,762 --> 00:03:38,920
My own taste buds.

87
00:03:39,063 --> 00:03:42,451
I wanna have a baby, and Chris
has agreed to be the father.

88
00:03:42,647 --> 00:03:45,066
My fertility counselor
showed me this online quiz

89
00:03:45,085 --> 00:03:47,391
that determines whether
we'd be compatible parents.

90
00:03:47,459 --> 00:03:49,609
If this were the '80s,
all we'd have to do is, like,

91
00:03:49,633 --> 00:03:51,946
not drop an egg
for a whole day.

92
00:03:52,126 --> 00:03:53,894
Stupid Internet.

93
00:03:53,997 --> 00:03:58,196
Okay, our official
co-parenting score is...

94
00:03:58,458 --> 00:04:00,773
58% compatibility.

95
00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:02,232
Not amazing.

96
00:04:02,265 --> 00:04:03,481
Oh, I think it's fantastic.

97
00:04:03,499 --> 00:04:05,757
I think it's literally the best score
we could have hoped for.

98
00:04:05,825 --> 00:04:08,152
- Not sure that that's true.
- Oh, snap!

99
00:04:08,182 --> 00:04:09,532
I just filled it out for fun.

100
00:04:09,556 --> 00:04:12,530
Chris and I are 81% compatible.

101
00:04:12,971 --> 00:04:14,355
You wanna make a baby, traeger?

102
00:04:14,493 --> 00:04:16,710
Your hair, my everything else.

103
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,869
That kid would be unstoppable.

104
00:04:18,964 --> 00:04:21,030
Guys, I couldn't resist.
I did it too.

105
00:04:21,074 --> 00:04:23,863
Ann and I got 84%.

106
00:04:24,435 --> 00:04:28,036
- Well, this sucks.
- Yes, we did not win.

107
00:04:29,274 --> 00:04:31,702
So was, like,
Ben a bossy older brother?

108
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,038
Did he make you watch
star war movies?

109
00:04:34,114 --> 00:04:35,216
Make me?

110
00:04:35,263 --> 00:04:37,236
I loved those movies
just as much as he did.

111
00:04:37,255 --> 00:04:38,959
That's so cute.

112
00:04:39,344 --> 00:04:41,395
Oh, you do a lot of hugging.

113
00:04:41,414 --> 00:04:43,456
Yeah, get used to it.
We're sisters now.

114
00:04:44,957 --> 00:04:46,931
Benji, I'm really glad
you came back for this.

115
00:04:46,949 --> 00:04:48,720
A lot of jerks around here
didn't think you'd show up.

116
00:04:48,754 --> 00:04:51,508
Well, I wasn't sure, but
Leslie gave me the extra push,

117
00:04:51,526 --> 00:04:55,143
and I figured it'd be nice to put the ice
town thing behind me once and for all.

118
00:04:55,334 --> 00:04:57,288
Now that you're both here,
let's get started.

119
00:04:57,359 --> 00:04:59,567
Just have a few questions.

120
00:05:00,278 --> 00:05:02,221
- You have a binder?
- That's right.

121
00:05:02,252 --> 00:05:03,738
Who were
Ben's high school girlfriends,

122
00:05:03,750 --> 00:05:05,579
and what base
do you think he got to?

123
00:05:05,637 --> 00:05:07,697
- Um...
- What's that?

124
00:05:07,943 --> 00:05:09,958
And what exactly
did you witness?

125
00:05:09,993 --> 00:05:12,075
Defendant, alias Ron Swanson,

126
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:14,249
alias my boss,

127
00:05:14,294 --> 00:05:17,103
used appropriate force
to prevent further damage

128
00:05:17,128 --> 00:05:19,036
to the wedding of Leslie Knope,

129
00:05:19,045 --> 00:05:20,723
alias my other boss.

130
00:05:20,735 --> 00:05:23,027
You sound as if you have a
special interest in law enforcement.

131
00:05:23,046 --> 00:05:24,559
Yes, sir.
In fact, at the time,

132
00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:26,564
I was trying
to become a police officer

133
00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:28,038
but was deemed
unfit for the force.

134
00:05:28,077 --> 00:05:29,198
And what happened?

135
00:05:29,223 --> 00:05:29,961
Don't know.

136
00:05:29,991 --> 00:05:31,791
Well, I pooched the brain exam.

137
00:05:31,816 --> 00:05:35,698
Just to be safe, I wouldn't take
anything I say too seriously.

138
00:05:36,673 --> 00:05:38,002
Next witness, your honor.

139
00:05:38,062 --> 00:05:40,587
Ms. Ludgate, have you
ever heard Mr. Swanson

140
00:05:40,599 --> 00:05:42,455
threaten to hurt
councilman Jamm?

141
00:05:42,495 --> 00:05:44,354
Ronny?
Are you kidding me?

142
00:05:44,613 --> 00:05:47,150
I've never heard him threaten
to hurt anyone or anything.

143
00:05:47,188 --> 00:05:49,810
The guy's, like, a vegetarian.

144
00:05:50,065 --> 00:05:53,073
Look at him, he's like
a big, old, soft teddy bear.

145
00:05:53,130 --> 00:05:54,363
His nickname around the office

146
00:05:54,381 --> 00:05:57,524
is "Softy-Pants McHuggable."

147
00:05:57,541 --> 00:05:58,809
Did you ever hear
Mr. Swanson

148
00:05:58,843 --> 00:06:01,061
say he intended to injure
councilman Jamm

149
00:06:01,085 --> 00:06:02,638
before the day of the wedding?

150
00:06:02,677 --> 00:06:05,242
The answer is a flat "no."

151
00:06:05,376 --> 00:06:07,316
Ron doesn't really pay
much attention to other people.

152
00:06:07,340 --> 00:06:09,023
I doubt he even knew
you existed.

153
00:06:09,042 --> 00:06:12,106
Also, may I say for the record,
that is a dope pocket square.

154
00:06:12,161 --> 00:06:13,429
Can I see that bad boy?

155
00:06:13,538 --> 00:06:17,007
Tom and April were excellent
witnesses in my defense.

156
00:06:17,105 --> 00:06:20,453
Unfortunately, every single word
out of their mouths was a lie.

157
00:06:20,536 --> 00:06:23,006
There's only one thing
I hate more than lying.

158
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:24,361
Skim milk.

159
00:06:24,394 --> 00:06:28,060
Which is water that's lying
about being milk.

160
00:06:28,954 --> 00:06:31,516
Despite everything
that happened 20 years ago,

161
00:06:31,541 --> 00:06:34,255
this will always be
my hometown.

162
00:06:35,301 --> 00:06:36,332
Are you crying again?

163
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:38,468
It's just every time
you say that speech,

164
00:06:38,493 --> 00:06:40,816
I think about where you've been
and where you're going

165
00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:43,372
and our future children
and America

166
00:06:43,397 --> 00:06:45,704
and just our history
as a nation.

167
00:06:45,740 --> 00:06:47,535
Wow, I didn't think
about all that,

168
00:06:47,553 --> 00:06:49,804
but I thought it was good.
- Thanks, Steph.

169
00:06:49,842 --> 00:06:52,368
Ah, I'm feeling sweaty.
Do I look swe...

170
00:06:52,387 --> 00:06:55,745
I feel... oh, I need to use
the bathroom one more time.

171
00:06:55,777 --> 00:06:57,393
That's, like,
five times in an hour.

172
00:06:57,505 --> 00:06:59,647
Well, somebody's nervous
about the ceremony.

173
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:00,536
I don't blame him.

174
00:07:00,548 --> 00:07:03,403
He didn't exactly leave Partridge
as the most popular guy in town.

175
00:07:03,483 --> 00:07:06,123
Ben?

176
00:07:06,253 --> 00:07:07,202
Oh, my God.

177
00:07:09,241 --> 00:07:11,067
Are you okay?

178
00:07:11,626 --> 00:07:13,326
I think I'm giving birth.

179
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:15,245
Is that possible?
No, right?

180
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:16,705
- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, God!

181
00:07:16,714 --> 00:07:18,016
I'll call an ambulance.

182
00:07:18,034 --> 00:07:19,725
Oh, God! It's twins!

183
00:07:19,750 --> 00:07:22,041
- I'm having twins!
- Oh! Okay.

184
00:07:24,391 --> 00:07:27,367
- Kidney stone?
- Big sucker too.

185
00:07:27,456 --> 00:07:29,487
We're gonna have to keep him
here until it passes.

186
00:07:29,499 --> 00:07:32,882
Leslie
and Dr. Clipperton...

187
00:07:33,101 --> 00:07:36,761
Wow, man, I'm so glad
you guys are meeting.

188
00:07:36,805 --> 00:07:39,946
It's like worlds collide.
You know, I love it.

189
00:07:40,284 --> 00:07:41,985
I want candy.

190
00:07:42,151 --> 00:07:43,266
What is he on?

191
00:07:43,290 --> 00:07:45,087
Morphine.
It's good stuff.

192
00:07:45,118 --> 00:07:46,252
Leslie, come here.

193
00:07:46,328 --> 00:07:48,451
Do you have any idea
how beautiful you are?

194
00:07:48,519 --> 00:07:51,351
I'm serious.
You're like a flower.

195
00:07:51,369 --> 00:07:55,606
Or, no, like a snug-bug
or like a snugger-doodle

196
00:07:55,636 --> 00:07:56,937
or something like that.

197
00:07:56,948 --> 00:07:59,552
We should just go for it,
you know?

198
00:07:59,829 --> 00:08:01,036
Life.

199
00:08:01,068 --> 00:08:04,210
We have a ceremony
we need to be at in two hours.

200
00:08:04,223 --> 00:08:05,705
Is there anything
that we can do?

201
00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:08,537
Sorry, Ice Town, you're not going
anywhere for at least a day.

202
00:08:09,042 --> 00:08:10,732
Okay, well,
I'll call mayor Stice,

203
00:08:10,744 --> 00:08:12,240
and we'll reschedule
the ceremony.

204
00:08:12,270 --> 00:08:14,478
No, this town expects me
to wuss out.

205
00:08:14,509 --> 00:08:15,779
I'm making that speech,

206
00:08:15,804 --> 00:08:19,185
and I'm simply gonna explain to
the crowd that love is everywhere

207
00:08:19,209 --> 00:08:22,471
and they have to surrender to the
flow of the universe, you know?

208
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:24,406
Price Is Right is on, I think.

209
00:08:24,868 --> 00:08:28,986
Oh, you remember staying home
sick from school...

210
00:08:29,911 --> 00:08:31,980
watching the price is right?

211
00:08:32,046 --> 00:08:34,076
Oh, God.

212
00:08:35,192 --> 00:08:36,983
Look, I know that this
is just a silly quiz,

213
00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:39,254
but it is so discouraging
to do so poorly.

214
00:08:39,287 --> 00:08:42,721
Well, look, this is not the only way
to see if we would be good parents.

215
00:08:42,809 --> 00:08:43,983
I know it's a little lame,

216
00:08:44,008 --> 00:08:46,004
but I bought a dozen eggs
at the grocery store,

217
00:08:46,022 --> 00:08:49,082
and I thought we could do that thing where
we pretend the egg is a kid for a day.

218
00:08:49,118 --> 00:08:50,621
That's a great idea!

219
00:08:50,792 --> 00:08:52,557
I don't see them.

220
00:08:53,012 --> 00:08:54,002
Oh, my God.

221
00:08:54,208 --> 00:08:56,285
- I left them at the grocery store.
- Oh, boy.

222
00:08:56,396 --> 00:08:57,611
I bought 12 babies,

223
00:08:57,617 --> 00:08:59,620
and then I immediately
abandoned them at a Kroger's.

224
00:08:59,632 --> 00:09:01,577
Look, we can use
anything as a baby.

225
00:09:01,589 --> 00:09:04,294
I mean, we could use this mug.

226
00:09:10,284 --> 00:09:11,754
I don't understand.
I was great.

227
00:09:11,797 --> 00:09:13,671
I was like Mark Z
in The Social "N."

228
00:09:13,699 --> 00:09:15,226
My testimony was amazing
for your case.

229
00:09:15,251 --> 00:09:16,765
But it wasn't the truth.

230
00:09:16,803 --> 00:09:18,202
And neither was yours.

231
00:09:18,237 --> 00:09:20,514
You even called me a...
vegetarian.

232
00:09:20,929 --> 00:09:22,531
What if that testimony leaks?

233
00:09:22,574 --> 00:09:24,034
How will people
ever respect me?

234
00:09:24,047 --> 00:09:26,769
Ugh, whatever.
The truth is stupid.

235
00:09:26,982 --> 00:09:29,523
I only tell the truth when it
makes me sound like I'm lying.

236
00:09:29,542 --> 00:09:31,300
Yeah, lying is all I know.

237
00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:33,674
It's how I was able to scrape by
on the streets of Bombay

238
00:09:33,693 --> 00:09:35,939
and make it on the Indian version
of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire

239
00:09:35,958 --> 00:09:37,641
and get reunited
with the love of my life,

240
00:09:37,691 --> 00:09:38,623
Latika.

241
00:09:38,635 --> 00:09:40,745
You could both take
a lesson from Andrew.

242
00:09:40,757 --> 00:09:43,075
He told the truth
about everything he was asked,

243
00:09:43,105 --> 00:09:45,102
even when it was
humiliating for him.

244
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:47,576
That's right.
I love telling the truth.

245
00:09:47,639 --> 00:09:48,597
Case in point,

246
00:09:48,635 --> 00:09:50,279
sometimes when I blow my nose,
I get a boner.

247
00:09:50,306 --> 00:09:52,415
I don't know why.
It just happens.

248
00:09:52,518 --> 00:09:53,669
Truth bomb.

249
00:09:53,735 --> 00:09:55,511
I'm gonna call you both
back in that room,

250
00:09:55,529 --> 00:09:57,060
and you'll recant
your testimony.

251
00:09:57,091 --> 00:09:59,458
- No!
- You committed perjury.

252
00:09:59,538 --> 00:10:02,078
But more importantly,
you've dishonored yourselves.

253
00:10:02,515 --> 00:10:03,854
Oh, brother.

254
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:07,871
They are so young.

255
00:10:07,915 --> 00:10:09,988
So much to learn.

256
00:10:10,666 --> 00:10:13,382
- What are you talking about?
- I know, right?

257
00:10:14,794 --> 00:10:16,062
Wisdom.

258
00:10:16,404 --> 00:10:17,429
Sick?

259
00:10:17,485 --> 00:10:20,181
Do you really expect me to believe that?
What has he got, acute wimping out?

260
00:10:20,212 --> 00:10:22,250
No, he has kidney stones.
We have proof.

261
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:26,332
Yeah, I took a video of him
at the hospital an hour ago.

262
00:10:26,808 --> 00:10:29,613
I feel like I never gave
miles Davis proper shrift.

263
00:10:29,718 --> 00:10:31,693
Like, I just didn't
get into it.

264
00:10:31,736 --> 00:10:34,941
But the good news is I'm here
to accept the key on his behalf.

265
00:10:35,253 --> 00:10:36,754
Boy, it's just a real shame

266
00:10:36,772 --> 00:10:39,307
it had to happen today
of all days.

267
00:10:39,411 --> 00:10:40,544
Damn it!

268
00:10:41,548 --> 00:10:43,006
Excuse me.

269
00:10:43,385 --> 00:10:44,679
Hi.
Everything okay?

270
00:10:44,692 --> 00:10:46,036
You want me to come back
to the hospital?

271
00:10:46,054 --> 00:10:48,203
Pfft, nah.
I'm goodie goodie.

272
00:10:48,262 --> 00:10:50,328
You just do your thing,
baby smurf.

273
00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:51,772
I mean, I wish you were here.

274
00:10:51,803 --> 00:10:53,724
It seems pretty fun
and festive.

275
00:10:53,759 --> 00:10:55,058
Town mascot is here.

276
00:10:55,083 --> 00:10:56,304
Fred the Sled?

277
00:10:56,348 --> 00:10:59,319
They only bring him out
for special occasions.

278
00:10:59,469 --> 00:11:01,873
I can't believe they're doing
all this for me.

279
00:11:02,194 --> 00:11:03,975
The universe is love.

280
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,403
Okay, stay away
from sharp things.

281
00:11:06,564 --> 00:11:07,831
Well, well, well,

282
00:11:07,849 --> 00:11:10,384
heard you want to recant
your earlier statements.

283
00:11:10,447 --> 00:11:13,028
Yes, I misremembered
some things.

284
00:11:13,053 --> 00:11:15,389
I did in fact hear
Ron Swanson say

285
00:11:15,414 --> 00:11:17,902
he intended to injure
Jeremy Jamm.

286
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:19,666
Boom, knew it.

287
00:11:19,678 --> 00:11:22,267
- Tell us about it, please.
- Which time?

288
00:11:22,478 --> 00:11:23,854
Well, how many were there?

289
00:11:23,942 --> 00:11:25,575
Well...

290
00:11:25,803 --> 00:11:26,914
Yeah, we did a trade.

291
00:11:26,933 --> 00:11:28,704
I gave his wife new enamels,

292
00:11:28,841 --> 00:11:30,858
he gave my wife new yabbos.

293
00:11:31,176 --> 00:11:32,711
Who's that gentleman?

294
00:11:32,788 --> 00:11:34,337
Jeremy Jamm, city councilman.

295
00:11:34,349 --> 00:11:35,935
- You don't know him?
- Never met him.

296
00:11:35,941 --> 00:11:38,807
He looks like he could use a swift
punch in the face though.

297
00:11:39,286 --> 00:11:40,396
Yes!

298
00:11:40,414 --> 00:11:43,626
And then before he can say anything,
I just run over, shove him into the pool.

299
00:11:43,657 --> 00:11:44,684
Bully for you.

300
00:11:44,702 --> 00:11:48,064
If it were me, I would have
just punched him in the face.

301
00:11:49,282 --> 00:11:50,683
What's up, Ron?

302
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:53,706
Just daydreaming
about punching Jamm in the face.

303
00:11:53,783 --> 00:11:55,160
And there were
a few other times too.

304
00:11:55,185 --> 00:11:57,523
- We get the picture, son.
- Hold on.

305
00:11:57,547 --> 00:12:00,685
We need your full,
truthful testimony on record.

306
00:12:00,781 --> 00:12:03,012
Keep going, Tom.

307
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:06,015
But now, 20 years later,

308
00:12:06,106 --> 00:12:08,202
the city has finally healed

309
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:11,594
from the festering wound
of Ice Town.

310
00:12:11,673 --> 00:12:15,576
Today we put those horribly
painful memories behind us

311
00:12:15,595 --> 00:12:19,526
as we welcome back the mayor
who made all of that possible,

312
00:12:20,878 --> 00:12:22,343
Ben Wyatt.

313
00:12:24,051 --> 00:12:25,936
Oh, that's a typo.
That's a major typo.

314
00:12:25,964 --> 00:12:28,067
That says "Ice Clown."

315
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:29,684
I'm just realizing now
that's not a typo.

316
00:12:29,715 --> 00:12:31,877
Hey, aren't you his sister?

317
00:12:32,035 --> 00:12:33,237
I gotta get outta here.

318
00:12:33,272 --> 00:12:34,523
Good luck, Leslie.

319
00:12:34,548 --> 00:12:37,639
Here to accept the key
to the city of Partridge,

320
00:12:37,664 --> 00:12:40,592
because Mr. Wyatt
is conveniently ill,

321
00:12:40,778 --> 00:12:43,081
is his wife Leslie Knope.

322
00:12:45,972 --> 00:12:47,341
And it's water.

323
00:12:48,541 --> 00:12:52,053
Uhoh, the key was made of ice.

324
00:12:52,127 --> 00:12:55,759
And much like the hopes and dreams
of the people of Partridge,

325
00:12:55,795 --> 00:12:57,713
it melted away.

326
00:12:57,994 --> 00:13:00,625
Again, this would all be way
more satisfying if Ben was here.

327
00:13:00,643 --> 00:13:02,290
Okay, excuse me.

328
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,288
I would like to point out
that we drove

329
00:13:04,307 --> 00:13:06,270
all the way here
from Pawnee, Indiana,

330
00:13:06,288 --> 00:13:08,626
a city with some class,
by the way.

331
00:13:09,130 --> 00:13:13,099
And, sure, my husband made
an honest mistake 20 years ago.

332
00:13:13,257 --> 00:13:15,152
But it was very meaningful
that you were gonna finally...

333
00:13:15,176 --> 00:13:16,626
- Hi, Leslie.
- Be able to forgive him.

334
00:13:16,651 --> 00:13:18,747
If it's so meaningful to him,
then where is he?

335
00:13:18,759 --> 00:13:20,243
He's in the hospital, sir.

336
00:13:20,262 --> 00:13:23,128
He has a calcified rock
lodged in his penis!

337
00:13:24,192 --> 00:13:27,077
Frankly, Ben Wyatt is the best thing
to ever come out of this crap town.

338
00:13:27,102 --> 00:13:29,347
Oh, yeah?
What about Judy Garland?

339
00:13:29,494 --> 00:13:31,045
Judy Garland's from Partridge?

340
00:13:31,064 --> 00:13:33,018
She lived here for a while.

341
00:13:33,039 --> 00:13:34,395
And Lee Janzen.

342
00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:35,552
Who's Lee Janzen?

343
00:13:35,577 --> 00:13:37,393
He's a golfer.
He's pretty good.

344
00:13:37,430 --> 00:13:39,413
Well, Ben Wyatt's
better than Lee Janzen,

345
00:13:39,432 --> 00:13:40,858
and he's better
than Judy Garland.

346
00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:43,691
That's crazy.
Judy Garland's amazing.

347
00:13:43,788 --> 00:13:47,010
But Ben Wyatt is better than all of you
because he cared about this town,

348
00:13:47,029 --> 00:13:48,362
and he tried to help it.

349
00:13:48,415 --> 00:13:50,083
You know, screw you, Partridge.

350
00:13:51,710 --> 00:13:55,153
And a sled is a stupid mascot.

351
00:13:57,213 --> 00:13:58,796
Thank you, Ms. Ludgate.

352
00:13:58,884 --> 00:14:01,543
It is now quite clear
that on innumerable occasions

353
00:14:01,561 --> 00:14:04,418
Ron Swanson said he intended
to punch councilman Jamm

354
00:14:04,437 --> 00:14:06,225
in the face, and then he did.

355
00:14:06,252 --> 00:14:07,590
Yeah, but who cares?

356
00:14:07,608 --> 00:14:08,741
He says a lot of things.

357
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:10,576
He's always talking about
overthrowing the government,

358
00:14:10,601 --> 00:14:11,682
but he never does that.

359
00:14:11,706 --> 00:14:13,110
Well, that'll make
a nice pull quote

360
00:14:13,135 --> 00:14:16,066
for the article about me
taking you to the cleaners.

361
00:14:16,239 --> 00:14:19,748
Mr. Swanson, if you'd like
to make a statement, you may.

362
00:14:20,088 --> 00:14:22,667
On the night I punched
councilman Jamm in the face,

363
00:14:22,679 --> 00:14:24,773
I warned him several times
to back off.

364
00:14:24,810 --> 00:14:27,706
And instead,
he attacked me twice.

365
00:14:27,855 --> 00:14:30,428
Truthfully, I barely
registered his attack.

366
00:14:30,641 --> 00:14:33,100
He's incredibly frail,
and his arms are weak.

367
00:14:33,227 --> 00:14:35,084
And when I punched him,
he dropped so quickly,

368
00:14:35,096 --> 00:14:37,498
I thought he was diving
towards the ground.

369
00:14:37,805 --> 00:14:40,109
I regret nothing.
The end.

370
00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:44,303
Well, this turned out better
than I ever imagined.

371
00:14:44,340 --> 00:14:46,282
You got Jammed
by your own team.

372
00:14:46,393 --> 00:14:47,539
Self-Jamm!

373
00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:48,746
I'll see you in court, Swanson,

374
00:14:48,777 --> 00:14:51,048
and, uh, bring your checkbook.

375
00:14:51,154 --> 00:14:53,824
I would like to punch you
in the face again.

376
00:14:54,341 --> 00:14:56,924
Okay, Paul, let's go.

377
00:14:58,618 --> 00:14:59,863
I'm glad you're feeling better.

378
00:14:59,888 --> 00:15:02,013
Well,
get your normal conversation

379
00:15:02,044 --> 00:15:03,196
in with me while you can.

380
00:15:03,220 --> 00:15:05,895
Got about 20 minutes
before I get all loopy again.

381
00:15:06,185 --> 00:15:08,168
Mm, let me see the key.

382
00:15:08,212 --> 00:15:10,354
Oh, uh, they took it back.

383
00:15:10,418 --> 00:15:12,013
They wanted to get it engraved.

384
00:15:12,044 --> 00:15:12,677
Huh.

385
00:15:12,702 --> 00:15:14,263
You know,
the key is just a metaphor.

386
00:15:14,282 --> 00:15:17,339
I mean, the real key has been
inside you all along.

387
00:15:17,447 --> 00:15:18,655
It was a setup, wasn't it?

388
00:15:18,686 --> 00:15:20,480
They were gonna make fun of me?

389
00:15:21,556 --> 00:15:22,738
Yes.

390
00:15:22,836 --> 00:15:25,874
Ice Town was a debacle.
They'll never get over it.

391
00:15:26,154 --> 00:15:27,449
Just don't know
why I got my hopes up.

392
00:15:27,474 --> 00:15:29,343
It's so unfair.
You worked so hard.

393
00:15:29,368 --> 00:15:30,632
You've done
so many great things.

394
00:15:30,643 --> 00:15:33,868
And for your hometown
to treat you this way is just...

395
00:15:35,118 --> 00:15:36,312
You know what, screw this.

396
00:15:36,324 --> 00:15:37,854
We're gonna make one more stop
before we leave.

397
00:15:37,872 --> 00:15:40,087
Tuck in your shirt.
We're going to city hall.

398
00:15:40,341 --> 00:15:42,934
So, Dr. Van Dyne, we took
the compatibility test

399
00:15:42,959 --> 00:15:45,542
that you recommended,
and we didn't do amazing.

400
00:15:45,706 --> 00:15:48,915
But I'm sure that happens
with a lot of couples, right?

401
00:15:48,927 --> 00:15:50,172
And it's not like we failed.

402
00:15:50,203 --> 00:15:51,557
We got a 58%,

403
00:15:51,588 --> 00:15:54,379
which as I'm saying it, sounds
very clearly like we failed.

404
00:15:54,523 --> 00:15:57,036
Look, there are many ways
to judge compatibility.

405
00:15:57,111 --> 00:15:59,292
Okay, you know what,
let's do a little exercise.

406
00:15:59,410 --> 00:16:02,249
I'm gonna say something
about your future child,

407
00:16:02,352 --> 00:16:04,974
and then you just say the first thing
that pops into your mind.

408
00:16:05,014 --> 00:16:06,683
Okay?
Gender.

409
00:16:06,717 --> 00:16:07,851
- Girl.
- Boy.

410
00:16:07,947 --> 00:16:09,683
Okay.
Religion.

411
00:16:09,743 --> 00:16:10,880
- Buddhist.
- Whatever he wants.

412
00:16:10,911 --> 00:16:12,545
Whatever he wants.

413
00:16:12,768 --> 00:16:14,437
Um, how 'bout occupation?

414
00:16:14,617 --> 00:16:16,688
- Teacher.
- Sixtime tour de France champion.

415
00:16:16,784 --> 00:16:17,389
Really?

416
00:16:17,413 --> 00:16:19,655
Okay, I'm sorry,
are you guys complete strangers?

417
00:16:19,661 --> 00:16:22,079
Is this one of those
craigslist father situations?

418
00:16:22,104 --> 00:16:22,961
No, no, no.

419
00:16:22,979 --> 00:16:25,009
We actually know each other
quite well.

420
00:16:25,021 --> 00:16:26,899
Yeah, we used to date actually,

421
00:16:26,961 --> 00:16:28,384
but it didn't work out

422
00:16:28,434 --> 00:16:30,967
because we had
some compatibility issues.

423
00:16:31,177 --> 00:16:34,042
You know what, why don't we just
try one more compatibility test?

424
00:16:34,073 --> 00:16:35,608
- Great, let's do it!
- No, let's not.

425
00:16:37,709 --> 00:16:39,582
Okay, well,
we all told the truth,

426
00:16:39,601 --> 00:16:41,389
and Jamm's definitely
going to win.

427
00:16:41,432 --> 00:16:42,365
What do we do now?

428
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:44,267
I intend to do
as the court orders.

429
00:16:44,301 --> 00:16:47,267
Do you know if one can pay
court-ordered settlements in gold?

430
00:16:47,292 --> 00:16:48,981
All of my money's in gold.

431
00:16:49,179 --> 00:16:50,959
I also have some money
in palladium.

432
00:16:50,971 --> 00:16:53,378
What if it's a huge amount?
Are you gonna be okay financially?

433
00:16:53,396 --> 00:16:54,225
I think so.

434
00:16:54,250 --> 00:16:56,480
I'm actually not sure
how much money I have.

435
00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:59,051
But I do know how many pounds
of money I have.

436
00:16:59,064 --> 00:17:01,041
Whoa, whoa, that is awesome.

437
00:17:01,053 --> 00:17:03,436
Yes, it is, and I'm definitely
tweeting that to Drake

438
00:17:03,448 --> 00:17:04,617
to use in his next rhymes,

439
00:17:04,641 --> 00:17:07,528
but still I kinda feel
like this is our fault.

440
00:17:07,554 --> 00:17:10,625
Ugh, do we have to do
something nice now?

441
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,852
Let me start by apologizing,
mayor Stice.

442
00:17:13,877 --> 00:17:15,826
I had no right
to disparage your town.

443
00:17:15,876 --> 00:17:17,937
Well, I owe you guys
an apology too.

444
00:17:17,955 --> 00:17:20,721
I, uh, had a little
bad publicity lately,

445
00:17:20,745 --> 00:17:24,602
and frankly, it's still really easy
to score points by bashing Wyatt.

446
00:17:24,646 --> 00:17:27,718
Can't you just give Ben
a key to the city,

447
00:17:27,883 --> 00:17:29,881
here, now, in your office,

448
00:17:29,906 --> 00:17:31,986
where no one
will know your shame?

449
00:17:32,277 --> 00:17:33,804
- Sorry, babe.
- No worries.

450
00:17:33,872 --> 00:17:35,312
I love you.

451
00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:35,990
Aw.

452
00:17:36,009 --> 00:17:38,174
You know, if people found out

453
00:17:38,244 --> 00:17:40,447
I gave Wyatt
the key to the city,

454
00:17:40,475 --> 00:17:41,837
I would never
get re-elected.

455
00:17:41,855 --> 00:17:42,793
So...

456
00:17:42,855 --> 00:17:43,863
no.

457
00:17:44,012 --> 00:17:46,216
What are you doing there,
Wyatt?

458
00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:48,465
I'm feeding your eagle.

459
00:17:48,492 --> 00:17:50,389
He's starving.

460
00:17:50,490 --> 00:17:52,496
It's... it's bronze, babe.

461
00:17:52,519 --> 00:17:54,555
- Why?
- The eagle...

462
00:17:54,664 --> 00:17:56,334
We should go.
- Yeah.

463
00:17:57,651 --> 00:17:58,828
Ann Perkins.

464
00:17:58,885 --> 00:18:02,325
I know it didn't seem to go
very well at the counselor's.

465
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:05,087
But I have found a new quiz,

466
00:18:05,319 --> 00:18:06,633
and I think we should take it.

467
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:07,459
Are you sure?

468
00:18:07,484 --> 00:18:11,315
Everything we do makes it seem like it's
a bad idea for us to have a kid together.

469
00:18:11,402 --> 00:18:13,213
Maybe we shouldn't even
be friends.

470
00:18:13,484 --> 00:18:14,748
Take a look.

471
00:18:15,250 --> 00:18:16,527
"Will you love our child

472
00:18:16,552 --> 00:18:20,197
and work hard to see
that he or she has a good life?"

473
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:22,905
You see, I think that's
the only question that matters.

474
00:18:22,967 --> 00:18:25,101
All the rest of it is details.

475
00:18:25,468 --> 00:18:26,504
Yes.

476
00:18:26,604 --> 00:18:28,613
The answer is yes.

477
00:18:29,373 --> 00:18:31,047
I said the exact same thing.

478
00:18:31,128 --> 00:18:33,895
We're 100% on the same page.

479
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:35,283
Are you sure about this?

480
00:18:35,301 --> 00:18:37,398
You are caring,

481
00:18:37,460 --> 00:18:38,511
intelligent,

482
00:18:38,542 --> 00:18:39,654
and reliable.

483
00:18:39,697 --> 00:18:42,288
And I am certain
that you will literally be

484
00:18:42,307 --> 00:18:44,564
the world's best mom.

485
00:18:45,174 --> 00:18:48,546
Wow.
This is really happening.

486
00:18:51,475 --> 00:18:53,733
- You know there's nothing in there
yet, right? - Yes, sorry.

487
00:18:54,486 --> 00:18:56,938
No, I was with Johnny Cougar
Mellencamp at that music fest.

488
00:18:56,956 --> 00:19:00,591
We both thought, biggest yabbos
we've ever seen in...

489
00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:02,859
What the hell?
That was important.

490
00:19:02,879 --> 00:19:04,598
Game's over, councilman.

491
00:19:04,723 --> 00:19:05,612
Drop the suit.

492
00:19:05,654 --> 00:19:07,806
And why exactly
would I do that?

493
00:19:07,833 --> 00:19:09,778
We took a look
at your affidavit.

494
00:19:09,828 --> 00:19:11,869
We cross-referenced it
with telephone records

495
00:19:11,893 --> 00:19:13,573
and eyewitness accounts,

496
00:19:13,597 --> 00:19:16,682
and, uh-oh,
we found 11 lies.

497
00:19:16,713 --> 00:19:18,451
Lying under oath
is called perjury,

498
00:19:18,521 --> 00:19:20,257
and they should know,
they did it yesterday.

499
00:19:20,494 --> 00:19:24,028
Well, I mean,
maybe I accidentally

500
00:19:24,065 --> 00:19:26,783
said something that wasn't...

501
00:19:26,951 --> 00:19:28,364
Let me see that.

502
00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:30,545
Ow!
My wrist!

503
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:32,374
You twisted my arm
like a maniac!

504
00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:34,863
- Oh, no!
- You monster.

505
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:35,814
Ow!

506
00:19:35,832 --> 00:19:38,205
You assaulted me,
and I'm injured!

507
00:19:38,229 --> 00:19:39,599
Oh, my God, Tom, are you okay?

508
00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:41,220
All right, you know what,
I see what you're doing.

509
00:19:41,239 --> 00:19:42,490
I barely touched you.

510
00:19:42,505 --> 00:19:43,643
That's not what I saw.

511
00:19:43,655 --> 00:19:45,959
My face!
Is my face still there?

512
00:19:46,114 --> 00:19:47,249
What happened to my knees?

513
00:19:47,274 --> 00:19:48,723
Someone please tell me
if Tom is okay.

514
00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:50,909
- Jamm, I'm gonna sue you.
- Okay, fine.

515
00:19:50,927 --> 00:19:54,894
Hey, listen, keep your mouths
shut about the affidavit,

516
00:19:54,925 --> 00:19:56,652
I'll drop the suit, okay?

517
00:19:56,766 --> 00:19:58,820
Hurry, Tom,
let's get you into surgery!

518
00:19:58,845 --> 00:20:00,034
Yeah.

519
00:20:00,817 --> 00:20:02,321
Yeah, it's me.

520
00:20:03,516 --> 00:20:05,331
We got Jammed.

521
00:20:06,292 --> 00:20:09,253
My friend Jack and I used to
fish this lake in the summer.

522
00:20:09,304 --> 00:20:12,442
One time,
our boat almost tipped over,

523
00:20:12,583 --> 00:20:15,054
but then it didn't.

524
00:20:15,507 --> 00:20:16,712
That's not a great story.

525
00:20:16,730 --> 00:20:18,985
Yeah, I had
a pretty uneventful childhood.

526
00:20:19,569 --> 00:20:21,541
I got you something.

527
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:24,193
- No way.
- Yeah.

528
00:20:24,205 --> 00:20:25,763
Where did you get that?

529
00:20:25,788 --> 00:20:27,523
I stole it
from mayor Stice's office.

530
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,455
Screw that guy.
You should have it.

531
00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:32,370
You're the best wife
in the world.

532
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:35,007
But I don't want this.

533
00:20:35,257 --> 00:20:36,302
Really?

534
00:20:36,346 --> 00:20:38,136
Yeah, I mean, I love Partridge,

535
00:20:38,152 --> 00:20:40,088
but I have Pawnee now.

536
00:20:40,130 --> 00:20:41,689
And I have you.

537
00:20:41,772 --> 00:20:43,323
Well, I'm not giving it
back to Stice.

538
00:20:43,341 --> 00:20:45,472
- That guy sucks.
- Yeah.

539
00:20:45,863 --> 00:20:48,201
Well, you know what then?

540
00:20:56,726 --> 00:20:59,164
Hey, lake's not
a garbage can, pal.

541
00:20:59,182 --> 00:21:01,267
Yeah, sorry, it was symbolic.

542
00:21:01,292 --> 00:21:02,657
Is that Ben Wyatt?

543
00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:04,456
Get the hell out of here,
Ice Town!

544
00:21:04,475 --> 00:21:06,258
- Run! Run!
- Go, go, go, go, go.

545
00:21:06,339 --> 00:21:08,074
Sorry.

546
00:21:08,150 --> 00:21:13,155
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com