1
00:00:12,472 --> 00:00:15,374
Welcome to Animal Control.
Let me show you around.

2
00:00:15,494 --> 00:00:18,042
Those are some chairs.
That's a cat or opossum.

3
00:00:18,077 --> 00:00:21,048
Oh, this is a napkin
where I wrote down

4
00:00:21,099 --> 00:00:23,754
a cool name for a dog.
"Bark Obama."

5
00:00:23,788 --> 00:00:24,973
Right?

6
00:00:25,007 --> 00:00:26,392
Is that...
what's happening here?

7
00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,964
Oh. Yo. Yeah.
We found this bird outside.

8
00:00:28,998 --> 00:00:30,835
We tried to turn it
into a work whistle,

9
00:00:30,886 --> 00:00:33,589
like in the beginning
of The Flintstones.

10
00:00:33,624 --> 00:00:34,826
Tougher than it looked, though.

11
00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:37,280
We have a massive pest problem
in this town,

12
00:00:37,315 --> 00:00:38,917
and it's because
the Animal Control Department

13
00:00:38,952 --> 00:00:41,923
has been disaster...
at catching animals.

14
00:00:41,958 --> 00:00:45,497
They're great at ingesting
and selling marijuana.

15
00:00:45,531 --> 00:00:47,050
This place
is a miserable suck hole

16
00:00:47,084 --> 00:00:49,088
run by two pot-head
losers.

17
00:00:49,122 --> 00:00:51,058
It's completely
and utterly mismanaged.

18
00:00:51,092 --> 00:00:52,160
Thanks!

19
00:00:52,194 --> 00:00:53,764
It does seem to be
very poorly run,

20
00:00:53,798 --> 00:00:55,266
but we've only been here
for two minutes.

21
00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:56,870
There may be a method
to their madness.

22
00:00:56,904 --> 00:00:58,539
There's more than one way
to skin a cat.

23
00:00:58,574 --> 00:01:00,493
Four. There's four ways
to skin a cat. Regular blade...

24
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:02,949
Ow!
Ah! What is this?

25
00:01:02,983 --> 00:01:05,470
- Coyote trap, dude.
- Ah! This hurts!

26
00:01:05,521 --> 00:01:06,923
Yeah, we got, like,
a huge vermin problem.

27
00:01:06,958 --> 00:01:08,576
I mean, we've been meaning
to call somebody about it,

28
00:01:08,627 --> 00:01:10,230
but you know,
nobody get on the phone.

29
00:01:10,264 --> 00:01:12,050
You're the people
you would be calling.

30
00:01:12,084 --> 00:01:13,754
That is so trippy.

31
00:01:13,788 --> 00:01:16,058
Ow! You're fired!
You're fired!

32
00:01:16,092 --> 00:01:17,461
The whole department is fired.

33
00:01:17,495 --> 00:01:19,966
Ow, this hurts!
This was one of my running feet!

34
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,889
- Yo, let's go to Jamaica.
- No, we should go to Jamaica.

35
00:01:22,923 --> 00:01:23,841
Oh, is that what you said?

36
00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:25,878
Yeah, dog.

37
00:01:28,918 --> 00:01:38,928
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

38
00:01:48,273 --> 00:01:50,828
Ron, you've been sweating
in here all day.

39
00:01:50,862 --> 00:01:51,897
Are you drinking any fluids?

40
00:01:51,931 --> 00:01:54,218
Yes, plenty.

41
00:01:54,252 --> 00:01:56,907
No, you need to drink water.

42
00:01:56,941 --> 00:01:58,292
Usually, I take it neat,

43
00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:01,198
but I will make an exception
in the name of health.

44
00:02:01,233 --> 00:02:04,187
Last night, I watched a movie
with Diane and the girls

45
00:02:04,222 --> 00:02:07,561
in which an orange fish
is separated from his father.

46
00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:09,164
The children were sniffling,

47
00:02:09,215 --> 00:02:12,287
which I believed to be due
to the sad nature of the film.

48
00:02:12,321 --> 00:02:15,878
I was wrong.

49
00:02:15,912 --> 00:02:17,648
You need to take off
those layers,

50
00:02:17,683 --> 00:02:19,251
rehydrate,
and go to the doctor.

51
00:02:19,285 --> 00:02:22,792
Thank you for your concern,
I will be fine.

52
00:02:22,826 --> 00:02:25,731
Please turn the thermostat
up to 90 and leave me alone.

53
00:02:25,765 --> 00:02:26,800
Ron, this isn't safe.

54
00:02:26,834 --> 00:02:28,452
I am a grown man.

55
00:02:28,470 --> 00:02:31,075
I have had a cold before,
I need no help,

56
00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:33,797
so if you don't mind...

57
00:02:36,202 --> 00:02:38,322
That seems about right.

58
00:02:38,357 --> 00:02:42,197
Okay, pop quiz.
Name the scent.

59
00:02:42,248 --> 00:02:44,184
Uh, "Spasm."
No, "Butter Face"!

60
00:02:44,218 --> 00:02:45,887
- Very good!
- Yes!

61
00:02:45,905 --> 00:02:47,306
I'm trying to get
more big companies

62
00:02:47,324 --> 00:02:49,027
to donate
to the Sweetums Foundation,

63
00:02:49,061 --> 00:02:51,432
and tom got us a meeting
with Dennis Feinstein,

64
00:02:51,466 --> 00:02:54,806
Pawnee's premiere manufacturer
of perfumes and cologne.

65
00:02:56,894 --> 00:02:59,114
Oh!

66
00:02:59,148 --> 00:03:02,103
Or possibly, insecticide.
Whew!

67
00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:04,524
Dennis Feinstein belongs
to a new generation of wealth...

68
00:03:04,558 --> 00:03:08,115
rappers, tech geniuses,
X games medallists,

69
00:03:08,150 --> 00:03:10,002
and of course,
"scent artists."

70
00:03:10,037 --> 00:03:12,607
The man owns a Rolexus.

71
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:13,977
It's a Lexus
filled with Rolexes.

72
00:03:14,011 --> 00:03:14,979
What's the point of that?

73
00:03:15,013 --> 00:03:17,116
To have it, which he does.

74
00:03:17,134 --> 00:03:19,304
Okay, I'll lay out
the benefits of donating.

75
00:03:19,338 --> 00:03:21,876
Tom will flatter and schmooze
as only tom can.

76
00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:23,914
Andy, you know, this is just
a learning experience for you,

77
00:03:23,948 --> 00:03:25,416
so you just watch and listen.

78
00:03:25,451 --> 00:03:27,554
I had to pull a lot of strings
to get this meeting,

79
00:03:27,605 --> 00:03:29,324
so please, no one embarrass me.

80
00:03:29,358 --> 00:03:32,230
Ben, put on something decent,
like a tux.

81
00:03:32,264 --> 00:03:34,836
Andy, you're hopeless,
just take a shower.

82
00:03:34,870 --> 00:03:36,740
I already took what I call
a "dwyer shower."

83
00:03:36,774 --> 00:03:40,530
I rubbed my armpits
with air fresheners.

84
00:03:40,564 --> 00:03:42,217
New car.

85
00:03:42,251 --> 00:03:45,456
Animal control
has long been a repository

86
00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:48,596
for some of this government's
most incompetent employees.

87
00:03:48,631 --> 00:03:50,183
Jerry Gergich
got his start there.

88
00:03:50,217 --> 00:03:51,552
- Well.
- All right, well.

89
00:03:51,586 --> 00:03:53,740
Yeah, so our new director
needs to be competent,

90
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:56,128
effective, and not completely
stoned all the time.

91
00:03:56,162 --> 00:03:57,464
I'm way ahead of you
there, girly.

92
00:03:57,498 --> 00:03:58,599
I got the perfect guy.

93
00:03:58,634 --> 00:04:01,371
Friend of mine,
bit of an alcoholic,

94
00:04:01,389 --> 00:04:04,361
a little grabby, either
a war hero or war criminal,

95
00:04:04,395 --> 00:04:06,833
depending on who you ask,
but a good dude.

96
00:04:06,867 --> 00:04:08,602
- How do you know him?
- I do his teeth.

97
00:04:08,638 --> 00:04:12,678
A few coffee stains up front,
but his canines are insane.

98
00:04:12,712 --> 00:04:14,982
Gosh, Jeremy,
he sounds perfect.

99
00:04:15,033 --> 00:04:17,086
- Are his gums great too?
- Oh, yeah.

100
00:04:17,121 --> 00:04:19,324
They are excellent, beet red.

101
00:04:19,358 --> 00:04:20,560
I was being sarcastic.

102
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:21,863
I think we should open this
to the floor

103
00:04:21,897 --> 00:04:25,119
- for more discussion.
- Uh, maybe you would like

104
00:04:25,153 --> 00:04:26,940
to explain this to her,
please?

105
00:04:26,974 --> 00:04:29,144
Traditionally, Leslie,
the councilmen just

106
00:04:29,178 --> 00:04:31,064
kind of take turns
on departmental appointments.

107
00:04:31,082 --> 00:04:34,655
Yeah, this one is mine,
then Dexhart, then you.

108
00:04:34,690 --> 00:04:36,241
This whole place runs on dibs.

109
00:04:36,259 --> 00:04:38,813
Are you kidding me?
You guys are all fine with this?

110
00:04:38,831 --> 00:04:40,918
Well, Milton's asleep,
but the rest of you?

111
00:04:40,952 --> 00:04:42,587
This is how departments
get mismanaged.

112
00:04:42,621 --> 00:04:44,257
No. We are going to be
thorough.

113
00:04:44,292 --> 00:04:45,861
I'm going to find a candidate,

114
00:04:45,895 --> 00:04:47,416
and I encourage you all
to do the same,

115
00:04:47,448 --> 00:04:49,584
and then, we will interview
all of them.

116
00:04:49,619 --> 00:04:50,721
Boring!

117
00:04:50,755 --> 00:04:52,942
"Boring"
is my middle name, so...

118
00:04:52,976 --> 00:04:54,929
my thoroughly vetted candidate

119
00:04:54,963 --> 00:04:56,615
is going to blow your candidate
out of the water.

120
00:04:56,650 --> 00:05:00,473
Oh, I guess I'm leaving.
Good to see you. Great meeting!

121
00:05:00,507 --> 00:05:02,410
I'd like to object again

122
00:05:02,444 --> 00:05:04,632
to being brought here
against my will.

123
00:05:04,666 --> 00:05:06,485
Okay, I'm just gonna
double-check your form here.

124
00:05:06,519 --> 00:05:09,441
Ron! You redacted
all the information.

125
00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:10,944
- I answered some of them.
- For "date of birth,"

126
00:05:10,962 --> 00:05:12,130
you wrote "springtime."

127
00:05:12,164 --> 00:05:14,367
- Which is true.
- Everything you write down

128
00:05:14,402 --> 00:05:15,486
is confidential.

129
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:16,973
We need you
to give real answers.

130
00:05:17,007 --> 00:05:18,342
Fine.

131
00:05:18,393 --> 00:05:20,212
How many drinks of alcohol
do you consume a week?

132
00:05:20,247 --> 00:05:22,350
- One.
- That's it, one drink?

133
00:05:22,401 --> 00:05:24,571
One shelf.

134
00:05:24,605 --> 00:05:26,960
- Do you exercise?
- Yes.

135
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,780
Lovemaking and woodworking.

136
00:05:28,814 --> 00:05:31,351
Do you have any history of
mental illness in your family?

137
00:05:31,369 --> 00:05:33,472
I have an uncle who does yoga.

138
00:05:33,506 --> 00:05:36,829
- Allergies?
- Cowardice and weak-willed men.

139
00:05:36,864 --> 00:05:37,848
And hazelnuts.

140
00:05:37,882 --> 00:05:38,966
Sexual history.

141
00:05:38,985 --> 00:05:41,088
Epic and private.

142
00:05:41,122 --> 00:05:43,727
Okay. I'm gonna go
get your doctor.

143
00:05:43,761 --> 00:05:47,801
He's a rude, brash jerk.
You'll love him.

144
00:05:47,836 --> 00:05:49,421
I'm gonna cut
right to the chase.

145
00:05:49,455 --> 00:05:51,776
I don't like charity.
I don't get it.

146
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,947
Feels to me like
I'm giving money away,

147
00:05:53,981 --> 00:05:55,667
and getting nothing in return.

148
00:05:55,702 --> 00:05:56,869
Well, that's not true.

149
00:05:56,887 --> 00:05:58,522
You can really help
your personal brand

150
00:05:58,556 --> 00:06:01,929
if you show that you're a mogul
that gives as much as he gets.

151
00:06:01,964 --> 00:06:04,501
If I give as much as I get,
I'm giving $20 million.

152
00:06:04,535 --> 00:06:07,106
Ay yi yi.

153
00:06:07,141 --> 00:06:09,862
That's how much I'm worth,
20... million... dollars.

154
00:06:09,896 --> 00:06:11,632
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

155
00:06:13,002 --> 00:06:16,141
Ah, he's disgusting,
but I want to take his money

156
00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:17,427
and give it to needy people,

157
00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:20,834
so I'm just gonna
keep on smiling. Yay!

158
00:06:22,806 --> 00:06:26,244
People who give to charity,
they get amazing press.

159
00:06:26,279 --> 00:06:27,781
- Huh.
- Like Bill Gates.

160
00:06:27,816 --> 00:06:30,086
Have you ever
heard of Bill Gates?

161
00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:32,891
He lives in Seattle,
guy with glasses.

162
00:06:32,942 --> 00:06:33,860
Bill Gates?

163
00:06:33,911 --> 00:06:35,630
I know who Bill Gates is.

164
00:06:35,665 --> 00:06:37,100
Bill Gates is, like,
a super nerd.

165
00:06:37,151 --> 00:06:39,922
Is this some sort of nerd thing?
Are you calling me a nerd?

166
00:06:39,956 --> 00:06:41,792
Uh, he meant Mark Cuban.

167
00:06:41,810 --> 00:06:44,364
Cuban?
Now, that's the kind of guy

168
00:06:44,398 --> 00:06:45,817
I can hang out with...
Mark Cuban.

169
00:06:45,852 --> 00:06:47,186
- Yeah.
- I'm interested now.

170
00:06:47,221 --> 00:06:48,773
Keep talking.

171
00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:50,209
Stay still.

172
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,396
"Don't think about
how much this itches."

173
00:06:52,431 --> 00:06:53,532
That's very good advice.

174
00:06:53,566 --> 00:06:54,818
I have to say, this is

175
00:06:54,836 --> 00:06:56,772
the greatest search committee
ever assembled

176
00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:58,609
to find a new Animal Control
Department head.

177
00:06:58,644 --> 00:07:00,246
Chris Traeger can do more
with one foot

178
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:01,531
than most people can do
with three.

179
00:07:01,566 --> 00:07:03,468
I'm not going to lie to you.
I needed that.

180
00:07:03,486 --> 00:07:04,571
I know.

181
00:07:04,605 --> 00:07:06,291
- April Ludgate is beautiful...
- Stop.

182
00:07:06,325 --> 00:07:07,761
- You are talented...
- No.

183
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,698
But most importantly, you're
passionate about animals.

184
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:12,003
That's true.
It's because I'm half wolf.

185
00:07:12,037 --> 00:07:14,057
Okay, Donna, you took
a look at all the resumes,

186
00:07:14,091 --> 00:07:15,492
so send in the best candidate.

187
00:07:15,527 --> 00:07:18,498
Wassup? I'm Harris.
I'm 33 years young.

188
00:07:18,532 --> 00:07:21,454
I have my cousin Jason's truck
for two more weeks.

189
00:07:21,489 --> 00:07:24,076
I have one testicle...
whac-a-mole accident...

190
00:07:24,094 --> 00:07:26,047
and I'm down to clown.

191
00:07:26,065 --> 00:07:29,772
Harris, we know who you are.
I literally just fired you.

192
00:07:29,806 --> 00:07:33,897
Oh, is this that job?
That's crazy! Never mind.

193
00:07:33,931 --> 00:07:36,318
Why would you think Harris
would be the best candidate?

194
00:07:36,352 --> 00:07:38,305
'Cause he's one
of only two applicants

195
00:07:38,323 --> 00:07:40,326
with actual experience
at animal control.

196
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,494
Uh-ohh.
Does that mean...

197
00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:44,083
What up?
Yo, my name is Brett.

198
00:07:44,118 --> 00:07:47,824
I like burgers, and also,
I'm very high right now.

199
00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:50,830
- Dude, this is hilarious!
- Oh, yo!

200
00:07:52,334 --> 00:07:54,838
- We live together!
- Yo, we live in the same place!

201
00:07:54,856 --> 00:07:58,780
- This is my boy!
- Hey, "Wyld Stallyns"!

202
00:07:58,814 --> 00:08:01,034
You guys know why there are
all those cops out there?

203
00:08:01,068 --> 00:08:02,654
Where are the cops at?

204
00:08:02,688 --> 00:08:04,875
- I gotta go.
- Yo.

205
00:08:08,299 --> 00:08:10,696
A lot of charities waste their money
on overhead,

206
00:08:10,816 --> 00:08:12,292
but we at the Sweetums Foundation,

207
00:08:12,412 --> 00:08:14,031
- spend our money wisely.
- Okay.

208
00:08:14,066 --> 00:08:15,952
- You know what? Shut up.
- All right.

209
00:08:15,986 --> 00:08:17,404
You guys seem like
pretty cool dudes

210
00:08:17,439 --> 00:08:19,960
and I'm feeling pretty generous,
so why don't we

211
00:08:19,994 --> 00:08:22,397
take this conversation
to the Pawnee Smokehouse?

212
00:08:22,415 --> 00:08:23,718
Dumb-Dumb Eddie,
get the checkbook.

213
00:08:23,752 --> 00:08:25,003
We're going out.

214
00:08:25,021 --> 00:08:26,372
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

215
00:08:26,407 --> 00:08:27,742
Guys, we're going out.
Let's scent up!

216
00:08:27,777 --> 00:08:29,880
I call dibs on "Ooze."

217
00:08:29,914 --> 00:08:32,167
- I got "Money Shot."
- Yeah.

218
00:08:32,202 --> 00:08:33,203
I got "Blood Spurt."

219
00:08:33,237 --> 00:08:34,421
Ooh, no, don't use that one.

220
00:08:34,439 --> 00:08:36,059
Eh, go ahead.

221
00:08:36,093 --> 00:08:38,263
So why do you want this job?

222
00:08:38,281 --> 00:08:42,021
Well, I love cats,
and dogs sure are great.

223
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:43,874
Well, you have
all the qualifications.

224
00:08:43,892 --> 00:08:45,360
You went
to a four-year college.

225
00:08:45,411 --> 00:08:47,464
Actually, when I went there,
it was just a two-year college.

226
00:08:47,515 --> 00:08:49,703
Wow, so you're not even
technically qualified

227
00:08:49,737 --> 00:08:51,740
to work at your current job.

228
00:08:51,775 --> 00:08:53,109
Aw, geez.

229
00:08:53,144 --> 00:08:54,980
- You're fired. Get out.
- No, no, you're not fired,

230
00:08:55,014 --> 00:08:57,067
but we're definitely going to
have to lower your salary.

231
00:08:57,085 --> 00:08:58,854
Oh, well, fair's fair.

232
00:08:58,889 --> 00:09:03,396
I am very, very, very,
very frightened of animals.

233
00:09:03,447 --> 00:09:05,500
This may not be
the job for you.

234
00:09:05,551 --> 00:09:07,739
I know, but my therapist,
Dr. Richard Nygard,

235
00:09:07,773 --> 00:09:09,125
told me to confront my fears.

236
00:09:09,159 --> 00:09:12,281
You see Dr. Richard Nygard?
I'm a Nygardian too!

237
00:09:12,315 --> 00:09:14,302
Would you sign my cast?

238
00:09:14,336 --> 00:09:15,888
Yes, but just please
don't give me this job.

239
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,909
The spaying
and neutering tools,

240
00:09:17,943 --> 00:09:19,612
do you think those fit humans?

241
00:09:19,647 --> 00:09:21,499
- Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
- And is there a lock

242
00:09:21,533 --> 00:09:22,484
on the spaying room door?

243
00:09:22,519 --> 00:09:23,586
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

244
00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:24,940
Thank you so much
for coming in.

245
00:09:24,974 --> 00:09:26,710
- Thanks for having me.
- Okay.

246
00:09:26,745 --> 00:09:29,916
Hello, Orin. Thank you so much
for applying, now leave.

247
00:09:29,951 --> 00:09:31,452
Hey, give him a chance.

248
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:33,456
What makes you qualified
for animal control?

249
00:09:33,491 --> 00:09:36,012
I studied zoology in college,

250
00:09:36,046 --> 00:09:38,968
and I can control animals
with my mind.

251
00:09:39,002 --> 00:09:42,959
- Get out.
- I made you say that.

252
00:09:44,062 --> 00:09:45,330
I liked him.

253
00:09:45,365 --> 00:09:46,633
Well, that was

254
00:09:46,668 --> 00:09:48,771
a truly depressing
slate of candidates.

255
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:50,407
I think you've got
several options.

256
00:09:50,441 --> 00:09:52,628
They're all terrible,
but you have them.

257
00:09:52,663 --> 00:09:55,283
Before you begin,
a few ground rules.

258
00:09:55,317 --> 00:09:57,404
I need you to explain
everything you do

259
00:09:57,439 --> 00:09:59,425
before you do it,
so I can determine

260
00:09:59,459 --> 00:10:00,594
whether I will allow you...

261
00:10:00,628 --> 00:10:01,529
Oh!

262
00:10:02,867 --> 00:10:04,085
Ugh!

263
00:10:04,119 --> 00:10:07,057
Balsa wood?
You could at least use mahogany.

264
00:10:11,718 --> 00:10:13,938
There's something
occluding your ear.

265
00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:15,825
It's sawdust.
Just blow.

266
00:10:16,961 --> 00:10:19,031
- Oh.
- You've got strep throat.

267
00:10:19,065 --> 00:10:21,586
I'm writing you
a prescription for penicillin.

268
00:10:21,638 --> 00:10:23,006
We'll have the rest
of your test results

269
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,475
in about 20 minutes.
Cholesterol...

270
00:10:24,509 --> 00:10:27,381
Not interested.
Good day.

271
00:10:30,823 --> 00:10:32,792
Wish all patients
were like that.

272
00:10:32,810 --> 00:10:35,297
It's really annoying
when they ask questions.

273
00:10:35,331 --> 00:10:36,599
You know,

274
00:10:36,634 --> 00:10:38,203
they claim that smoking
is bad for you,

275
00:10:38,237 --> 00:10:40,190
but is there
any medical evidence

276
00:10:40,224 --> 00:10:41,743
to back that up?

277
00:10:41,778 --> 00:10:44,281
- Great point.
- So the Sweetums Foundation

278
00:10:44,299 --> 00:10:45,918
has really accomplished
a lot recently.

279
00:10:45,953 --> 00:10:47,822
Our health care
outreach program

280
00:10:47,857 --> 00:10:49,676
has reduced pink eye
in the rural community

281
00:10:49,727 --> 00:10:52,097
by 30%...

282
00:10:52,115 --> 00:10:53,483
to 70%.

283
00:10:53,517 --> 00:10:55,905
Snooze. You guys
ever been fox hunting?

284
00:10:55,939 --> 00:10:58,510
I have my own foxes
flown in from Russia.

285
00:10:58,544 --> 00:11:01,566
We drug them pretty heavily
so they can't get very far.

286
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,321
In fact, mostly, they just
flop around on the ground.

287
00:11:04,356 --> 00:11:06,542
Makes it easier
to just walk up and "pow!"

288
00:11:07,980 --> 00:11:11,168
Stupid foxes.
It's deeply erotic.

289
00:11:11,186 --> 00:11:12,237
That sounds amazing.

290
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:13,757
We should go hunting sometime.

291
00:11:13,792 --> 00:11:15,126
I'd love to.

292
00:11:15,161 --> 00:11:17,749
I could bust out my Ralph Lauren
Fall 2010 collection.

293
00:11:17,783 --> 00:11:20,437
Copped it in 2012.
Clearance rack!

294
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:21,723
Wear whatever you want,

295
00:11:21,741 --> 00:11:24,813
as long as it's not too bright
or reflective.

296
00:11:24,847 --> 00:11:28,202
You know, I want you
blending in to the surroundings.

297
00:11:28,237 --> 00:11:30,423
How fast can you run?

298
00:11:30,458 --> 00:11:32,394
I think that guy
wants to hunt me.

299
00:11:32,428 --> 00:11:33,981
So, Dennis,
not to interrupt...

300
00:11:34,015 --> 00:11:36,102
Then don't.
Boom! Ha ha!

301
00:11:36,136 --> 00:11:37,755
Shut him right down!

302
00:11:37,790 --> 00:11:40,427
I have heard so much talking
from you.

303
00:11:40,461 --> 00:11:43,216
I don't want to hear your
fat mouth say anything else.

304
00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:44,418
- Boo!
- Oh.

305
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:48,126
You're a dick.

306
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,363
Excuse me?

307
00:11:50,398 --> 00:11:51,332
- Andy...
- How dare you

308
00:11:51,366 --> 00:11:52,467
talk to me like that?

309
00:11:52,502 --> 00:11:53,553
Where are your manners?

310
00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:55,190
You come to me
asking for money,

311
00:11:55,224 --> 00:11:57,177
and you treat me like this?
I don't think so.

312
00:11:57,211 --> 00:11:59,531
Wrap it up! We're done!

313
00:11:59,566 --> 00:12:03,222
Hey!
Show these garbage people out!

314
00:12:03,257 --> 00:12:06,529
Take the garbage out, Eddie.

315
00:12:06,580 --> 00:12:08,549
Donna?

316
00:12:08,583 --> 00:12:10,705
Gentlemen.

317
00:12:12,091 --> 00:12:15,831
Mr. Palletta, what is
your occupation currently?

318
00:12:15,866 --> 00:12:17,752
I run a children's
break dancing studio

319
00:12:17,786 --> 00:12:19,673
called
"D.J. Jazzy Vern's."

320
00:12:19,707 --> 00:12:21,092
Do you have any experience
with animals?

321
00:12:21,126 --> 00:12:23,162
Uh, a bat
landed on my face once.

322
00:12:23,197 --> 00:12:24,799
Hey, you know what,
he's not a rack of ribs,

323
00:12:24,834 --> 00:12:27,587
so stop grilling him.

324
00:12:27,605 --> 00:12:28,691
Nailed it.

325
00:12:28,725 --> 00:12:30,160
Ribs are better smoked
than grilled,

326
00:12:30,194 --> 00:12:32,280
so un-nailed it, with
the back part of the hammer.

327
00:12:32,315 --> 00:12:34,234
How many more questions
are there gonna be?

328
00:12:34,268 --> 00:12:35,755
Jamm said
if I got my teeth whitened,

329
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,324
- I'd just get the gig.
- Uh, ga ga ga... ho.

330
00:12:37,358 --> 00:12:39,763
Hold up, that's enough.
Thank you, you're done.

331
00:12:39,797 --> 00:12:41,115
You did a heck of a job,
Vernie.

332
00:12:41,149 --> 00:12:42,501
Thanks, Jimbo.

333
00:12:42,535 --> 00:12:45,156
Not bad, right? I mean,
if he can catch raccoons

334
00:12:45,174 --> 00:12:47,527
as well as he can teach
six-year-olds to pop and lock,

335
00:12:47,562 --> 00:12:48,947
he's a home run.

336
00:12:48,998 --> 00:12:50,684
That is an insane statement.

337
00:12:50,719 --> 00:12:53,741
Well,
I don't see anyone better.

338
00:12:53,775 --> 00:12:57,564
April, I got a present for you.

339
00:12:57,598 --> 00:12:59,234
I don't like lotion.
I like my hands

340
00:12:59,285 --> 00:13:01,522
to be cracked and calloused
like a railway worker.

341
00:13:01,556 --> 00:13:03,977
I know. I filled the bottles
with fake blood,

342
00:13:04,012 --> 00:13:05,146
vinegar, and mud.

343
00:13:05,181 --> 00:13:08,419
- Really? Thanks.
- On an unrelated note,

344
00:13:08,470 --> 00:13:09,722
do you remember
all those candidates

345
00:13:09,757 --> 00:13:12,010
we were interviewing
for the Animal Control job

346
00:13:12,044 --> 00:13:13,881
and how they were all
total losers

347
00:13:13,915 --> 00:13:15,016
who didn't care about animals?

348
00:13:15,050 --> 00:13:16,585
Except for Jerry,
who was great,

349
00:13:16,603 --> 00:13:18,206
but who we had to pass on
for other reasons.

350
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,276
I was just happy
to be considered.

351
00:13:20,311 --> 00:13:23,232
Anyhoo, I nominated you
for the position,

352
00:13:23,266 --> 00:13:25,186
and your confirmation hearing
is in three minutes.

353
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,257
- Surprise.
- No, I don't want the job.

354
00:13:27,291 --> 00:13:28,811
You can have
your mud and blood back.

355
00:13:28,845 --> 00:13:30,597
April, please,
you will be so good at it.

356
00:13:30,632 --> 00:13:31,917
You are so good with animals.

357
00:13:31,951 --> 00:13:33,452
Even if I wanted the job,
I don't want to do

358
00:13:33,470 --> 00:13:34,989
the stupid
confirmation hearing, okay?

359
00:13:35,024 --> 00:13:36,993
Stupid councilmen
asking me stupid questions

360
00:13:37,011 --> 00:13:38,429
about my stupid life...
it seems stupid.

361
00:13:38,447 --> 00:13:40,918
No, it's easy... they'll just
ask you a few questions.

362
00:13:40,952 --> 00:13:42,320
Let's practice.
What's your name?

363
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:43,940
Batman.
See? I failed.

364
00:13:43,958 --> 00:13:45,627
I will be there
to help you, okay?

365
00:13:45,662 --> 00:13:46,946
I will be your Pocahontas.

366
00:13:46,964 --> 00:13:49,418
Climb into my papoose.
Please do this.

367
00:13:49,452 --> 00:13:51,005
Please, please.
Do it. Do it. Do it.

368
00:13:51,056 --> 00:13:52,340
- Do it. You're gonna do it.
- Okay.

369
00:13:52,391 --> 00:13:54,979
- Yes! Yay!
- But only if you divorce Ben.

370
00:13:55,014 --> 00:13:56,336
Hey, don't even joke
about that.

371
00:13:56,349 --> 00:13:58,803
What? I really think
he's wrong for you.

372
00:14:00,980 --> 00:14:03,562
We now resume the confirmation
proceedings

373
00:14:03,683 --> 00:14:05,743
for director of
the Animal Control Department.

374
00:14:05,863 --> 00:14:09,109
Okay. Let's tear this chick
a new one, shall we?

375
00:14:09,144 --> 00:14:11,731
Ms. Ludgate,
we have found many emails

376
00:14:11,766 --> 00:14:14,052
showing
how you sexually harassed

377
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,388
Leslie Knope's assistant.

378
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,643
Andy?
That's my husband.

379
00:14:17,661 --> 00:14:19,463
They were still
extremely graphic,

380
00:14:19,497 --> 00:14:21,033
and appreciated by all of us.

381
00:14:21,067 --> 00:14:24,239
I had never heard of several
of those terms, and I'm a freak.

382
00:14:24,274 --> 00:14:26,410
Those are personal.
No one's allowed to read those.

383
00:14:26,444 --> 00:14:28,447
You once posted
a video of yourself

384
00:14:28,498 --> 00:14:30,501
drinking alcohol in City Hall

385
00:14:30,519 --> 00:14:33,124
while you were still a minor.
How do you justify that?

386
00:14:33,175 --> 00:14:36,715
Easily.
Alcohol is delicious and fun...

387
00:14:36,749 --> 00:14:39,687
Damentally a substance
that should not be abused.

388
00:14:39,721 --> 00:14:41,173
I agree, April.
Very good point.

389
00:14:41,208 --> 00:14:44,146
Wow. Ms. Ludgate,
are you a ventriloquist?

390
00:14:44,180 --> 00:14:45,683
I mean, that is amazing
how you make

391
00:14:45,717 --> 00:14:48,404
your words come out
of Ms. Knope's mouth.

392
00:14:48,438 --> 00:14:49,774
Would you like
to put her on your knee?

393
00:14:49,792 --> 00:14:51,110
I mean, that'd be really fun.

394
00:14:51,144 --> 00:14:52,312
Just three years ago,
you drove...

395
00:14:52,346 --> 00:14:53,547
She's not ready.

396
00:14:53,582 --> 00:14:55,368
Now, you've rushed her
into this,

397
00:14:55,419 --> 00:14:57,289
and now, Jamm's
sharpening the knives.

398
00:14:57,323 --> 00:15:00,278
Leslie, no one needs
to be jammed today.

399
00:15:00,312 --> 00:15:03,200
Okay, all we need
is some kind of distraction.

400
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:05,054
Grab that gavel
and break your other foot.

401
00:15:05,089 --> 00:15:07,425
I like the idea
of double the signings,

402
00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:08,996
but I think the negatives
outweigh the positives.

403
00:15:09,047 --> 00:15:10,933
Don't panic.
Maybe she can pull this off.

404
00:15:10,967 --> 00:15:13,204
I guess my first move
as director would be

405
00:15:13,238 --> 00:15:15,809
to fill your office, house,
and car with snakes,

406
00:15:15,844 --> 00:15:17,713
and then train a crow
to fly up your butt.

407
00:15:17,748 --> 00:15:20,535
Okay!
Let's take a brief recess.

408
00:15:20,569 --> 00:15:23,174
Well, well, well.
Look who's back.

409
00:15:23,208 --> 00:15:26,213
Thank you so much
for seeing us again, sir.

410
00:15:26,247 --> 00:15:28,919
We just came to apologize.

411
00:15:28,953 --> 00:15:30,856
Mr. Dennis Feinstein,

412
00:15:30,890 --> 00:15:33,327
let me just say,
from the bottom of my heart,

413
00:15:33,362 --> 00:15:34,814
my bad.

414
00:15:34,848 --> 00:15:36,116
I just started working here,

415
00:15:36,151 --> 00:15:40,776
and I really want to do
a good job, and I blew it.

416
00:15:43,348 --> 00:15:44,616
Thank you for saying that.

417
00:15:44,651 --> 00:15:46,537
Thought about it last night,
and I decided

418
00:15:46,588 --> 00:15:50,445
that if you came in here
and apologized to me like a man,

419
00:15:50,479 --> 00:15:53,000
that I would forgive you,
and that's what you've done,

420
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,486
so you're forgiven.

421
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:59,864
To that end, here is a check
for $25,000 for your charity.

422
00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:01,935
- Oh!
- Go out there

423
00:16:01,969 --> 00:16:03,490
and help some kids
with their pink eye,

424
00:16:03,522 --> 00:16:04,964
or whatever it is
you guys are doing.

425
00:16:04,975 --> 00:16:07,429
Mr. Feinstein, thank you.
This is extremely generous.

426
00:16:07,463 --> 00:16:08,982
It's nothing, really.
I'm happy to help.

427
00:16:09,016 --> 00:16:12,305
This check is made out
to "Go yourself."

428
00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:13,742
In your face!

429
00:16:13,776 --> 00:16:16,698
Dennis Feinstein helps no man!

430
00:16:16,732 --> 00:16:18,735
Get the hell out of my office!

431
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:20,054
- Hey, what's your problem, man?
- Why did you make me

432
00:16:20,072 --> 00:16:21,156
- apologize to him?
- Guys, guys, just hold it...

433
00:16:21,191 --> 00:16:22,208
hold on a sec, okay?

434
00:16:22,243 --> 00:16:23,929
Mr. Feinstein,

435
00:16:23,963 --> 00:16:26,617
with all due respect...

436
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,053
you are a major dick.

437
00:16:28,105 --> 00:16:29,389
- What?
- Run!

438
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,778
- Eddie, get my crossbow.
- Crossbow? What the...

439
00:16:31,812 --> 00:16:34,466
You will pay for this!

440
00:16:34,517 --> 00:16:36,253
Hey, you look better.

441
00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:38,424
I guess actual medicine
can be effective.

442
00:16:38,458 --> 00:16:39,392
Who'da thunk?

443
00:16:39,427 --> 00:16:40,628
Please leave me alone.

444
00:16:40,663 --> 00:16:42,265
Not until we go over
your test results

445
00:16:42,299 --> 00:16:43,484
and your blood work.

446
00:16:43,518 --> 00:16:45,471
Your blood pressure looks fine.

447
00:16:45,506 --> 00:16:46,891
I'm not sure
how this is possible,

448
00:16:46,926 --> 00:16:48,277
but your cholesterol is 120,

449
00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:49,596
which is the lowest
I've ever seen.

450
00:16:49,631 --> 00:16:51,099
What's "cholesterol"?

451
00:16:51,134 --> 00:16:53,554
And the only problem I see
is that your potassium's low,

452
00:16:53,588 --> 00:16:55,491
so just eat a banana
once in awhile.

453
00:16:55,526 --> 00:16:58,464
No, thank you.
I live the way I live,

454
00:16:58,498 --> 00:17:02,438
I eat the things I eat,
and I'll die the way I'll die.

455
00:17:02,473 --> 00:17:05,194
That's oddly beautiful...
but also stupid.

456
00:17:05,229 --> 00:17:07,131
You're not alone in the world
anymore, Ron.

457
00:17:07,183 --> 00:17:11,390
You're dating a woman who has
two kids, so every three days,

458
00:17:11,424 --> 00:17:13,728
think about Ivy and Zoe
and Diane,

459
00:17:13,763 --> 00:17:16,734
and eat a damn banana.

460
00:17:19,390 --> 00:17:21,728
I am so sorry, April.

461
00:17:21,779 --> 00:17:24,182
You are doing terribly up there,
and it's all my fault.

462
00:17:24,217 --> 00:17:25,786
It's not you, it's me.

463
00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:28,207
- Are you breaking up with me?
- I'm breaking up with the idea

464
00:17:28,258 --> 00:17:30,311
of you being director
of Animal Control.

465
00:17:30,362 --> 00:17:32,382
I say we just
withdraw your application

466
00:17:32,416 --> 00:17:35,471
and let Vern become director.
He does have good teeth.

467
00:17:35,505 --> 00:17:37,191
No!

468
00:17:37,226 --> 00:17:40,464
All right, I have an idea.
Trust me.

469
00:17:40,515 --> 00:17:44,322
Ms. Ludgate, it is the opinion
of this committee

470
00:17:44,357 --> 00:17:46,076
that you are terrible.

471
00:17:46,110 --> 00:17:48,998
Can you give me even one reason

472
00:17:49,016 --> 00:17:50,752
why you're the right man
for this job?

473
00:17:50,787 --> 00:17:53,591
No.
But neither is your guy.

474
00:17:53,625 --> 00:17:55,144
Neither of us
should get the job.

475
00:17:55,178 --> 00:17:57,131
Oh, no?
Why is that?

476
00:17:57,166 --> 00:17:59,286
There shouldn't be a separate
Animal Control Department.

477
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,691
Its budget is tiny,
and it's ineffective,

478
00:18:01,725 --> 00:18:04,145
and frankly,
no one could change that.

479
00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:07,035
So I think it should be absorbed
into the Parks Department.

480
00:18:07,069 --> 00:18:08,855
That is a genius idea.

481
00:18:08,889 --> 00:18:11,644
Somebody wake up Milton.
History is being made.

482
00:18:11,678 --> 00:18:12,896
Iwo Jima!

483
00:18:12,931 --> 00:18:14,850
Animal Control would be
way more effective

484
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:16,219
if it ran
through the Parks Department,

485
00:18:16,237 --> 00:18:18,758
and if you want, I can
write up an official report

486
00:18:18,793 --> 00:18:20,094
in language simple enough

487
00:18:20,128 --> 00:18:22,615
for even you dummies
to understand, dummies.

488
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:23,918
Councilman,
you have to admit that

489
00:18:23,969 --> 00:18:25,237
that idea makes a lot of sense.

490
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,592
Hang on a second.
You seem to be forgetting

491
00:18:27,626 --> 00:18:29,947
that I already told Vern
he got the job,

492
00:18:29,965 --> 00:18:31,466
and he already bought
a new speedboat.

493
00:18:31,517 --> 00:18:33,237
Well, I hope he kept a receipt.

494
00:18:33,271 --> 00:18:36,326
That was a brilliant idea
from a dark, tortured genius,

495
00:18:36,344 --> 00:18:39,800
and I move that Animal Control
be absorbed into Parks and Rec.

496
00:18:39,835 --> 00:18:41,871
I second that.

497
00:18:43,241 --> 00:18:44,459
Yay!

498
00:18:44,493 --> 00:18:47,582
Look at that, April.
You won over Jamm.

499
00:18:47,616 --> 00:18:48,918
Uh, no, she didn't.

500
00:18:48,952 --> 00:18:50,789
I'm just sick of being
on the losing side.

501
00:18:50,807 --> 00:18:54,462
I'm going to tell everyone
this was my idea.

502
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,266
Retro-jammed.

503
00:18:59,727 --> 00:19:01,961
What do we do now?
Can I apologize again?

504
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,521
I'm getting really
at apologizing.

505
00:19:03,555 --> 00:19:05,191
Screw that.
You should apologize

506
00:19:05,225 --> 00:19:06,744
for apologizing to that guy.

507
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,364
God, we really could've used
the money, though.

508
00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:10,234
Just wish we'd made
a bigger impression.

509
00:19:10,252 --> 00:19:12,673
You did...
I was really impressed

510
00:19:12,707 --> 00:19:14,092
by all the stuff
the foundation's done

511
00:19:14,127 --> 00:19:16,931
for all them poor homies,
so you know what?

512
00:19:16,966 --> 00:19:19,102
Rent-A-Swag is gonna
donate five cents

513
00:19:19,137 --> 00:19:21,106
from every dollar
we make this month.

514
00:19:21,141 --> 00:19:22,926
It's not Feinstein money,
but it'll help.

515
00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:24,914
That's very generous, Tom.

516
00:19:24,948 --> 00:19:27,085
Feinstein's the worst.
I hope he gets into an accident

517
00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:29,206
driving that Rolex Mobile.

518
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:30,876
For the last time,
it's a Rolexus,

519
00:19:30,910 --> 00:19:32,462
and you can't drive it.

520
00:19:32,496 --> 00:19:36,420
April, I have a gift
for you. Ta da.

521
00:19:36,454 --> 00:19:39,259
At Leslie's suggestion,
I have made you deputy director

522
00:19:39,293 --> 00:19:42,098
of Animal Control
within the Parks Department.

523
00:19:42,132 --> 00:19:44,236
You'll be amazing at it,
and the best part,

524
00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:45,488
there is no
confirmation hearing.

525
00:19:45,522 --> 00:19:47,575
How did you make this plaque
so quickly?

526
00:19:47,610 --> 00:19:49,112
I had it made
your first week here.

527
00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:53,370
I knew you'd be going places,
so I wanted to be prepared.

528
00:19:53,421 --> 00:19:55,091
- Can I hire an intern?
- Not yet.

529
00:19:55,125 --> 00:19:56,761
- Can I hire a Mexican elf?
- No.

530
00:19:56,795 --> 00:19:58,380
- Can I buy a child bride?
- No.

531
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:00,351
Then how is this even
a promotion?

532
00:20:00,385 --> 00:20:02,640
Government shouldn't operate
based on personal favors.

533
00:20:02,674 --> 00:20:04,843
It should operate
based on good ideas.

534
00:20:04,861 --> 00:20:08,234
April had the best idea,
and today the best idea won.

535
00:20:08,285 --> 00:20:10,154
Leslie, I really have to
go to the bathroom.

536
00:20:10,188 --> 00:20:12,024
Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

537
00:20:12,042 --> 00:20:13,043
You don't have to
come in with me.

538
00:20:13,078 --> 00:20:15,865
I wasn't going to.

539
00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:17,085
Could you pick up the pace
a little bit?

540
00:20:17,136 --> 00:20:19,139
Oh, yes, Miss Daisy.

541
00:20:19,173 --> 00:20:21,510
- Night, Ron.
- Night, Ron.

542
00:20:35,405 --> 00:20:37,910
Ladies, ladies.

543
00:20:58,899 --> 00:21:08,909
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com