1
00:00:02,010 --> 00:00:06,194
Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted!

2
00:00:06,228 --> 00:00:10,263
Article Two, Section Two
of the Pawnee Charter reads,

3
00:00:10,347 --> 00:00:13,283
"Be it decreed:
Should the taxation of tea

4
00:00:13,301 --> 00:00:15,118
"rise to an unacceptable level,

5
00:00:15,136 --> 00:00:18,472
citizens shall dump Ted
into Ramsett Lake."

6
00:00:20,641 --> 00:00:21,758
Does anyone object?

7
00:00:21,792 --> 00:00:23,560
As always, I object.

8
00:00:23,594 --> 00:00:25,345
Nay, enough dithering!

9
00:00:25,396 --> 00:00:26,930
Dump the miscreant!
Boo!

10
00:00:29,066 --> 00:00:32,302
Today is Ted Party Day,
where we commemorate

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00:00:32,336 --> 00:00:34,671
the great Pawnee tea dump
of 1817.

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00:00:34,705 --> 00:00:36,073
Historical fun fact...

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00:00:36,107 --> 00:00:38,125
when the Founding Fathers wrote
the charter,

14
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their old-timey script made

15
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one of the "a's
look like a "d,"

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so "tea" became "Ted."

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00:00:43,097 --> 00:00:44,431
It's just one
of those little things

18
00:00:44,465 --> 00:00:47,217
that reminds us of Pawnee's
rich and vibrant past.

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00:00:47,251 --> 00:00:48,852
Plus, we get to go find
a guy named Ted

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00:00:48,870 --> 00:00:50,253
and throw him
in a lake.

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00:00:50,288 --> 00:00:51,805
One!

22
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I don't even go by Ted!

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00:00:53,141 --> 00:00:54,975
- Two!
- I go by Theodore!

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00:00:55,009 --> 00:00:56,926
- Three!
- Aah!

25
00:01:02,750 --> 00:01:07,707
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

26
00:01:19,934 --> 00:01:21,902
Hey, Ted.
Great job today.

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You were so funny

28
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when you were like,
"My cell phone,

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I left it in my pocket."

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Then you checked it, remember,
and it didn't work.

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Yeah, that was hilarious.

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Listen,
I am just here to say

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that I am done
with Ted Party Day.

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- Ha! Classic Ted.
- I'm serious.

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00:01:34,632 --> 00:01:36,082
I'm not getting dumped
in that lake anymore.

36
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And I talked
to the other Teds in town,

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and they're not doing it
either.

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Come on, Ted Party Day
is protected

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00:01:40,321 --> 00:01:41,755
by Article Two
in the town charter.

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And we have the right,
nay, the obligation,

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to dump Ted into the lake
every year.

42
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That's the way
it's always been done.

43
00:01:47,295 --> 00:01:48,445
Okay, first of all,

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"That's the way
it's always been done"

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is not a good reason
to keep doing something.

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Second, it was a misprint.
They clearly meant "tea."

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I just think you need
to be careful

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about speculating
what the Founders meant

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when they were writing
the town charter.

50
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Okay, fine.

51
00:02:01,192 --> 00:02:02,025
You want to enforce
every single old law

52
00:02:02,043 --> 00:02:03,210
we have on our books?

53
00:02:03,244 --> 00:02:04,378
Hey, can I see your keys
for a second?

54
00:02:05,429 --> 00:02:06,796
Here's a quarter.

55
00:02:06,830 --> 00:02:08,315
I own your car now.

56
00:02:08,349 --> 00:02:10,066
- Wha...
- Sorry.

57
00:02:10,101 --> 00:02:12,636
The Pawnee Charter clearly
states that any white citizen

58
00:02:12,670 --> 00:02:14,688
has the right to seize
any Indian property

59
00:02:14,739 --> 00:02:16,156
for 25 cents.

60
00:02:16,207 --> 00:02:18,308
That is an outdated
and racist law.

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00:02:18,342 --> 00:02:20,477
And obviously they meant
"American Indian."

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Whoa, I think
we should be careful

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when we speculate
what the Founders intended

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when they wrote the charter.

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00:02:24,966 --> 00:02:26,900
Okay, Ted.
I know what you're doing.

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00:02:26,934 --> 00:02:28,385
You're quoting me back to me.

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But I'm gonna quote me
back to you and say

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that Ted Party Day
will never change.

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Uhoh.

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You, a woman,
just raised your voice

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00:02:35,610 --> 00:02:36,859
to a landowning male.

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According to a Pawnee statute
passed in 1868,

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I get to do this.

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I was not aware
of that statute.

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Ron, you have to help me.

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Chris is making me do

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some stupid management
training leadership course.

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Now that you run
the Animal Control department,

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you have qualified

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for the Chris Traeger
Management Training Seminar

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or "Ka-tumts."

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It's not a great acronym,
but it is a great seminar.

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Can you get me out of it?

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00:03:04,906 --> 00:03:06,356
Yes.

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00:03:06,374 --> 00:03:08,041
Normally, if given a choice

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between doing something
and nothing,

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I'd choose to do nothing.

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But I will do something

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if it helps someone else
do nothing.

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I'd work all night

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if it meant nothing got done.

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Ron Swanson
and April Ludgate,

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literally my two favorite people
in the catalogued universe.

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April will not be
participating

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in your pointless course

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because she has
more important things to do

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like not participating
in your pointless course.

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I just want April
to become as great

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00:03:32,466 --> 00:03:34,017
a department head
as yourself.

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Which is why
this is pointless.

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I've been head of the Parks
department for 12 years,

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and I never had any
"management training" course.

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Ron, you've never been
"ka-tumtsed?"

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I am legally required

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to ka-tumts
every department head.

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Otherwise, we are open
to all kinds of liability.

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What are you saying?

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I'm saying that tomorrow
during the seminar,

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April is going to have
a classmate.

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00:03:53,737 --> 00:03:55,088
And spoiler alert...

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- it's Alf.
- It's you.

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This went poorly.

113
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What, no.
Damn it!

114
00:04:03,097 --> 00:04:04,714
What are you bidding on?

115
00:04:04,748 --> 00:04:06,016
It better not be
Terrence Howard's tank top

116
00:04:06,050 --> 00:04:07,017
from Hustle & Flow.

117
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- It is not.
- Good.

118
00:04:08,819 --> 00:04:10,019
'Cause I am bidding on it

119
00:04:10,037 --> 00:04:11,371
and I am ready to spend
an amount

120
00:04:11,405 --> 00:04:13,206
that my accountant calls
"Dangerous and irresponsible."

121
00:04:13,257 --> 00:04:15,859
JJ's diner put an old
waffle iron up for auction.

122
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It's the perfect breakfast
day gift for Leslie.

123
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"Breakfast day"?

124
00:04:19,413 --> 00:04:21,414
Leslie has anniversaries
for everything.

125
00:04:21,465 --> 00:04:23,733
"Zoo day," first time we went
to the zoo together.

126
00:04:23,768 --> 00:04:25,118
"Double date day,"

127
00:04:25,152 --> 00:04:26,119
it was the first time
we went on a double date.

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00:04:26,153 --> 00:04:27,403
"Daniel Day-Lewis day.

129
00:04:27,421 --> 00:04:28,538
"Talk-like-a-pirate day.

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00:04:28,572 --> 00:04:30,056
Talk-like-a-Pittsburgh-pirate
day,"

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which why and how?

132
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This calendar was last year's
calendar day present

133
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celebrating the first time

134
00:04:36,130 --> 00:04:38,465
she ever bought me
a calendar.

135
00:04:39,967 --> 00:04:41,685
You have to buy a present
for every one of these?

136
00:04:41,719 --> 00:04:43,903
She always tells me not to,
but then she buys me something

137
00:04:43,954 --> 00:04:45,922
that's awesome and thoughtful,
and then I feel terrible.

138
00:04:45,956 --> 00:04:47,916
But that's the thing.
This is the perfect present.

139
00:04:47,942 --> 00:04:49,743
I just keep getting outbid
by someone named

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00:04:49,777 --> 00:04:51,478
"Tall Tie-ree-on Lannister."

141
00:04:51,512 --> 00:04:53,380
What kind of name is
Tie-ree-on anyway?

142
00:04:53,414 --> 00:04:56,266
You're kidding, right?
Tyrion Lannister?

143
00:04:56,300 --> 00:04:58,651
Lord of Casterly Rock?
The Half-Man?

144
00:04:58,703 --> 00:05:00,420
You don't watch
Game of Thrones?

145
00:05:00,454 --> 00:05:02,389
- No. You do?
- Hell yeah.

146
00:05:02,423 --> 00:05:04,424
Have you seen
those Dothraki dudes?

147
00:05:04,475 --> 00:05:05,975
They can get it.

148
00:05:06,010 --> 00:05:09,813
Everybody on that show
can get it.

149
00:05:09,847 --> 00:05:11,965
I think I know
who I'm bidding against.

150
00:05:11,999 --> 00:05:14,801
I now realize
that I was wrong,

151
00:05:14,852 --> 00:05:16,853
and it's time
that we purged the books

152
00:05:16,887 --> 00:05:20,573
of many of our town's
outdated and obscure laws.

153
00:05:20,608 --> 00:05:21,824
The bill that I have written

154
00:05:21,842 --> 00:05:23,510
with the full support
of the city council

155
00:05:23,561 --> 00:05:26,613
will repeal 110 obsolete laws

156
00:05:26,647 --> 00:05:29,332
such as all menstruating women
shall be confined

157
00:05:29,367 --> 00:05:30,417
to their bathtubs

158
00:05:30,451 --> 00:05:33,903
and Article Two,
aka, Ted Party Day.

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00:05:33,938 --> 00:05:36,139
The floor is now open
for public comments.

160
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Oh, here we go.

161
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Thank you.
My name is Garth Blundin,

162
00:05:38,943 --> 00:05:41,261
and I object
to your ridiculous proposal.

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The Pawnee Charter
shall not be changed.

164
00:05:45,048 --> 00:05:46,483
Not today, not ever!

165
00:05:46,517 --> 00:05:48,068
Wow, a lot of passion,
Mr. Blundin.

166
00:05:48,119 --> 00:05:49,452
Thank you so much.

167
00:05:49,486 --> 00:05:51,037
Your objection is noted
and officially in the record.

168
00:05:51,088 --> 00:05:53,690
- Shall we proceed to a vote?
- No. No, we shall not.

169
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Article Seven,
Section Three allows

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for a "Citizen filibuster."

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If I stand here
and refuse to yield my time,

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you are prohibited
from voting on the bill.

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00:06:03,884 --> 00:06:06,603
That section defines
"Buffalo meat"

174
00:06:06,637 --> 00:06:07,987
as acceptable currency.

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00:06:08,022 --> 00:06:09,372
- Is that the Buffalo meat one?
- Mm-hmm.

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00:06:09,407 --> 00:06:13,443
I meant Article Three,
Section Seven.

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Let the filibustering begin.

178
00:06:16,964 --> 00:06:18,531
I would now like to share

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00:06:18,566 --> 00:06:22,185
some ideas I have for
J.J. Abrams' seventh chapter

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00:06:22,203 --> 00:06:23,920
in the Star Wars' saga.

181
00:06:23,954 --> 00:06:26,956
Pan down from
the twin suns of Tatooine.

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00:06:26,974 --> 00:06:29,959
We are now close on the mouth
of the Sarlacc Pit.

183
00:06:29,977 --> 00:06:31,311
After a beat,

184
00:06:31,345 --> 00:06:35,181
the gloved Mandalorian
armor gauntlet of Boba Fett

185
00:06:35,232 --> 00:06:38,134
grabs onto the sand outside
of the Sarlacc Pit

186
00:06:38,152 --> 00:06:41,154
and the feared bounty hunter
pulls himself

187
00:06:41,188 --> 00:06:44,073
from the maw
of the sand beast.

188
00:06:44,108 --> 00:06:46,242
Ugh, he's right.
He can do this.

189
00:06:46,277 --> 00:06:48,578
This is exactly why we need
to modernize these laws.

190
00:06:48,612 --> 00:06:51,748
This kind of thing made sense
when we had council in a barn

191
00:06:51,782 --> 00:06:53,316
and there were
80 people in the town,

192
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but now this is nuts.

193
00:06:55,536 --> 00:06:56,920
If he holds
the reality gem,

194
00:06:56,954 --> 00:07:00,206
that means he can jump
from different realities.

195
00:07:00,257 --> 00:07:01,925
This will be our link

196
00:07:01,959 --> 00:07:04,043
to the Marvel Universe
from the Star Wars Universe.

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00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:08,343
Imagine those who
were up against Chewbacca

198
00:07:08,435 --> 00:07:11,420
'cause that's gonna happen.
After a beat, Luke says,

199
00:07:11,504 --> 00:07:13,605
"Darth Vader was my father,
but Ben Kenobi was my master."

200
00:07:14,123 --> 00:07:15,940
And he cuts Hannibal Lecter
in half.

201
00:07:15,958 --> 00:07:17,091
Mr. Blundin,

202
00:07:17,142 --> 00:07:19,060
look, the laws
I'm trying to get rid of

203
00:07:19,111 --> 00:07:20,945
have no more relevance
in modern society

204
00:07:20,980 --> 00:07:22,530
and they're embarrassing
to Pawnee.

205
00:07:22,565 --> 00:07:25,567
Repealing them would show that
we're changing with the times.

206
00:07:25,601 --> 00:07:28,186
You can't just change
the charter willy-nilly.

207
00:07:28,220 --> 00:07:31,188
You start by casually repealing
a couple of "old laws,"

208
00:07:31,207 --> 00:07:33,675
the next thing you know,
your jack-booted storm troopers

209
00:07:33,726 --> 00:07:36,144
are kicking in my door
and arresting my wife

210
00:07:36,178 --> 00:07:37,662
for no reason
if I were married.

211
00:07:37,696 --> 00:07:38,896
By "jack-booted
storm troopers,"

212
00:07:38,914 --> 00:07:40,465
do you mean
the Pawnee Police Department?

213
00:07:40,499 --> 00:07:42,800
- Hey, Clyde.
- Hi, Leslie.

214
00:07:42,835 --> 00:07:44,252
Good Danish today.

215
00:07:44,286 --> 00:07:47,455
The Pawnee charter is not
a "living document," Ms. Knope.

216
00:07:47,489 --> 00:07:49,591
You have no respect
for the traditions of this town.

217
00:07:49,642 --> 00:07:51,142
I absolutely do.

218
00:07:51,176 --> 00:07:53,695
I used to give tours
at the Pawnee Historical House.

219
00:07:53,729 --> 00:07:55,580
Three times,
"Employee Of The Fortnight."

220
00:07:55,614 --> 00:07:58,233
Oh, big deal, you put
on a costume for a couple hours.

221
00:07:58,267 --> 00:08:00,885
By that logic, every time
I go to bed at night,

222
00:08:00,919 --> 00:08:02,370
I am Wolverine.

223
00:08:02,404 --> 00:08:04,038
You bought
X-Men pajamas?

224
00:08:04,073 --> 00:08:06,307
I won them, madam,
in a raffle.

225
00:08:06,342 --> 00:08:08,059
The point is is that
our Founding Fathers

226
00:08:08,093 --> 00:08:09,654
were brilliant
and they were courageous,

227
00:08:09,662 --> 00:08:11,212
but they also had
wooden teeth

228
00:08:11,247 --> 00:08:12,664
and pooped in holes
in the ground.

229
00:08:12,698 --> 00:08:14,666
It was a more primitive time.

230
00:08:14,700 --> 00:08:16,367
It was a better time.

231
00:08:16,385 --> 00:08:19,287
You wouldn't have survived
two weeks in their day.

232
00:08:19,321 --> 00:08:21,439
Oh, really?
How about a little wager?

233
00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:23,874
How about you and I go live
in that historical house,

234
00:08:23,892 --> 00:08:27,111
no modern technology,
1817 rules.

235
00:08:27,146 --> 00:08:28,947
If you last longer,
I withdraw my bill.

236
00:08:28,981 --> 00:08:31,132
I win,
you stop this nonsense.

237
00:08:31,166 --> 00:08:34,819
You have yourself a deal.

238
00:08:34,853 --> 00:08:36,020
Please write down

239
00:08:36,038 --> 00:08:38,006
what you hope to gain
from the seminar,

240
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:39,307
seal it in the envelope,

241
00:08:39,341 --> 00:08:40,725
and then we'll open it
when it's over.

242
00:08:40,759 --> 00:08:42,610
When is this over?

243
00:08:42,645 --> 00:08:43,645
As soon as you learn
to embrace

244
00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:46,147
the power
of positive motivation.

245
00:08:46,198 --> 00:08:47,915
It's a nine-hour seminar
over two days.

246
00:08:47,950 --> 00:08:49,567
- Whoa!
- Oh, good.

247
00:08:49,602 --> 00:08:50,668
All right, let's begin.

248
00:08:50,686 --> 00:08:53,021
Hop on board
"The Management Train."

249
00:08:53,055 --> 00:08:55,406
First stop...
Motivation Station.

250
00:08:56,592 --> 00:08:57,875
All aboard!

251
00:08:58,927 --> 00:09:01,379
Stop bidding on
my waffle iron.

252
00:09:01,397 --> 00:09:02,964
You're FutureMrsTigerWoods?

253
00:09:02,998 --> 00:09:04,332
I made that profile,
like, ten years ago.

254
00:09:04,366 --> 00:09:05,526
I don't know how
to change it.

255
00:09:05,551 --> 00:09:07,502
The point is I'm getting
that waffle iron

256
00:09:07,553 --> 00:09:09,354
for Leslie
for breakfast day.

257
00:09:09,388 --> 00:09:10,438
Uh, no, you're not.

258
00:09:10,489 --> 00:09:12,073
I'm getting it for her
for waffle day.

259
00:09:12,124 --> 00:09:13,625
Wait, you have
a breakfast day too?

260
00:09:13,659 --> 00:09:15,459
- Mine's in June.
- Please, Ben.

261
00:09:15,477 --> 00:09:17,178
This is the celebration
of the anniversary

262
00:09:17,229 --> 00:09:18,513
of the first time
we hung out at JJ's,

263
00:09:18,564 --> 00:09:20,682
which she considers
the beginning of our friendship.

264
00:09:20,716 --> 00:09:22,533
Well, imagine
being married to her.

265
00:09:22,567 --> 00:09:25,169
It's like being smothered
with a hand-quilted pillow

266
00:09:25,204 --> 00:09:26,888
filled
with cherished memories.

267
00:09:26,922 --> 00:09:28,222
I can't believe
I'm complaining about

268
00:09:28,257 --> 00:09:29,657
how thoughtful my wife is.

269
00:09:29,692 --> 00:09:31,442
Sorry, honey.
I love you.

270
00:09:31,477 --> 00:09:32,610
Look, I have known her
for longer,

271
00:09:32,644 --> 00:09:34,495
I have five years' worth
of anniversaries,

272
00:09:34,546 --> 00:09:35,680
so I have seniority.

273
00:09:35,714 --> 00:09:36,747
Oh, God. Oh, no.

274
00:09:36,765 --> 00:09:38,232
- We've lost the auction.
- What-no.

275
00:09:38,267 --> 00:09:39,787
Somebody swooped in
at the last second,

276
00:09:39,818 --> 00:09:42,537
- and now we're both screwed.
- No.

277
00:09:42,571 --> 00:09:45,123
Okay, Tyrion Lannister,
why don't you just cast a spell

278
00:09:45,157 --> 00:09:46,307
and get us
the waffle iron back?

279
00:09:46,358 --> 00:09:47,709
Oh, okay.

280
00:09:47,743 --> 00:09:49,110
I don't even have time to tell
you how wrong you are.

281
00:09:49,161 --> 00:09:50,878
Actually, it's gonna bug me
if I don't.

282
00:09:50,913 --> 00:09:52,630
The Lannisters,
while very wealthy,

283
00:09:52,664 --> 00:09:54,665
do not possess
the magical abilities

284
00:09:54,683 --> 00:09:56,601
of, say, the warlocks
of Qarth for example.

285
00:09:56,635 --> 00:10:00,355
This is why
we don't hang out.

286
00:10:00,389 --> 00:10:02,223
Think of yourselves
as engineers

287
00:10:02,257 --> 00:10:04,225
steering
a locomotive of positivity

288
00:10:04,276 --> 00:10:05,660
that runs on team power.

289
00:10:05,694 --> 00:10:08,413
First of all, you don't
"steer" a locomotive.

290
00:10:08,447 --> 00:10:09,430
The tracks do.

291
00:10:09,465 --> 00:10:11,516
Second,
there are only three ways

292
00:10:11,550 --> 00:10:14,285
to motivate people...
money, fear, and hunger.

293
00:10:14,319 --> 00:10:15,486
Oh, I disagree.

294
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,056
What about encouragement,
appreciation,

295
00:10:18,090 --> 00:10:20,108
and smiles.

296
00:10:20,142 --> 00:10:21,559
When people feel supported,

297
00:10:21,593 --> 00:10:23,277
they will literally explode
with productivity.

298
00:10:23,312 --> 00:10:25,313
Can you guys just figure out
which way is better

299
00:10:25,347 --> 00:10:26,764
and tell me so we can leave?

300
00:10:26,799 --> 00:10:27,965
Thank you
for your input, April,

301
00:10:27,999 --> 00:10:29,434
but the ka-tumts requires
that we follow

302
00:10:29,468 --> 00:10:30,618
a very specific syllabus.

303
00:10:30,652 --> 00:10:32,120
You're not being
very inclusive, Chris.

304
00:10:32,154 --> 00:10:34,122
I feel like my input isn't
being appreciated.

305
00:10:34,156 --> 00:10:35,773
You've killed my spirit.

306
00:10:35,808 --> 00:10:38,342
My spirit blood is
on your hands.

307
00:10:38,877 --> 00:10:41,179
My God, I've taught you
so much already.

308
00:10:41,213 --> 00:10:43,347
Ron, I propose a challenge

309
00:10:43,382 --> 00:10:45,049
to see whose
motivational methods

310
00:10:45,083 --> 00:10:46,217
are more effective.

311
00:10:46,235 --> 00:10:48,119
Challenge accepted.

312
00:10:48,153 --> 00:10:50,121
I don't want to seem
overdramatic,

313
00:10:50,155 --> 00:10:53,174
but this is literally
a battle for April's soul.

314
00:10:53,225 --> 00:10:55,276
I don't want to seem
overdramatic,

315
00:10:55,310 --> 00:10:57,962
but I don't really care
what happens here.

316
00:10:57,996 --> 00:11:00,164
Oh, God.

317
00:11:00,199 --> 00:11:01,832
I hate this place.

318
00:11:01,850 --> 00:11:04,185
Everything is old.
Old things are dumb.

319
00:11:04,219 --> 00:11:06,137
It's like, just be new.

320
00:11:06,155 --> 00:11:07,605
I don't know, Tom.

321
00:11:07,623 --> 00:11:09,507
I think there's some pretty
cool things from back then.

322
00:11:09,541 --> 00:11:10,558
That is a dope bonnet.

323
00:11:10,592 --> 00:11:12,677
Oh, just getting here,
I see.

324
00:11:12,711 --> 00:11:14,345
Yikes.
Did you sleep here last night?

325
00:11:14,363 --> 00:11:16,814
Indeed. I want to be here
when the cock crows

326
00:11:16,848 --> 00:11:17,949
to get the chores done.

327
00:11:17,983 --> 00:11:19,450
Already, I've done
the preserves

328
00:11:19,485 --> 00:11:22,353
and chased off
an interloping cable installer.

329
00:11:22,387 --> 00:11:25,656
Okay, well, let's put
all modern devices in this pail.

330
00:11:25,691 --> 00:11:29,243
Nothing can be used
that was invented past 1817.

331
00:11:29,294 --> 00:11:31,129
Andy, Tom,
you will be our referees.

332
00:11:31,163 --> 00:11:32,163
Thank you for volunteering.

333
00:11:32,197 --> 00:11:33,264
Definitely didn't volunteer.

334
00:11:33,298 --> 00:11:34,348
I had much better things
to do.

335
00:11:34,383 --> 00:11:35,600
Leslie said she'd pay me
100 bucks.

336
00:11:35,634 --> 00:11:36,834
And I had nothing better
to do.

337
00:11:36,852 --> 00:11:37,935
I'm doing it for free.

338
00:11:37,970 --> 00:11:39,821
There's no way
I'm losing this contest.

339
00:11:39,872 --> 00:11:41,322
Old-timey dress? Check.

340
00:11:41,373 --> 00:11:43,107
Extensive knowledge
about early prairie life?

341
00:11:43,125 --> 00:11:44,108
Right here.

342
00:11:44,126 --> 00:11:45,193
Rickets? Cured.

343
00:11:45,227 --> 00:11:46,344
Don't need to worry
about rickets.

344
00:11:46,378 --> 00:11:49,213
Antiperspirant?
Not allowed.

345
00:11:49,215 --> 00:11:51,883
Might get a little rough
in there.

346
00:11:51,917 --> 00:11:54,469
I was wondering
if you could help me out.

347
00:11:54,503 --> 00:11:55,970
Say no more.

348
00:11:56,004 --> 00:11:57,755
Here's a bunch of guns.

349
00:11:57,789 --> 00:11:58,773
Nope.

350
00:11:58,807 --> 00:12:00,107
Different thing.

351
00:12:00,142 --> 00:12:01,425
I saw that you recently won

352
00:12:01,443 --> 00:12:03,528
an auction for
the JJ's diner waffle iron.

353
00:12:03,562 --> 00:12:05,729
And I'd like to...
that's it right there.

354
00:12:05,747 --> 00:12:07,515
- I'd like to buy it.
- You and everyone else.

355
00:12:08,549 --> 00:12:09,467
Hello, Ben.

356
00:12:09,501 --> 00:12:12,487
Seems like I love Leslie
more than you do.

357
00:12:12,521 --> 00:12:14,405
- Get in line.
- Yeah.

358
00:12:14,439 --> 00:12:15,623
Get in line, pal.

359
00:12:15,657 --> 00:12:17,074
- Who are you?
- I'm Roz.

360
00:12:17,092 --> 00:12:19,293
I'm Leslie's mailwoman,
and I need to get her

361
00:12:19,344 --> 00:12:21,762
a Mail Day present
by next Wednesday.

362
00:12:21,814 --> 00:12:23,347
It's the anniversary
of the first...

363
00:12:23,381 --> 00:12:25,500
Time you delivered
her mail. Yeah, we get it.

364
00:12:25,534 --> 00:12:26,984
Looks like
we've got ourselves

365
00:12:27,002 --> 00:12:29,620
an old-fashioned pawnshop
waffle iron bidding war.

366
00:12:29,655 --> 00:12:32,640
Let's start the bidding
at $650,000.

367
00:12:32,674 --> 00:12:34,942
Okay, I'll counter
with 100 bucks.

368
00:12:34,977 --> 00:12:36,060
200.

369
00:12:36,094 --> 00:12:37,228
I'll let you take anything

370
00:12:37,262 --> 00:12:38,563
- out of this bag.
- I'll tell you what, Ann.

371
00:12:38,597 --> 00:12:39,718
I'll give it to you
if you go

372
00:12:39,731 --> 00:12:41,332
- on a date with me.
- Oh, God.

373
00:12:41,366 --> 00:12:43,501
I can't believe
I'm about to do this, but fine.

374
00:12:43,535 --> 00:12:46,187
One date. But let me make
one thing perfectly clear...

375
00:12:46,221 --> 00:12:47,905
- 500 bucks.
- Sold.

376
00:12:47,940 --> 00:12:49,740
- What?
- You still want to go out?

377
00:12:49,775 --> 00:12:53,494
I just come into some money.
$500 buys a lot of nitrous.

378
00:12:53,545 --> 00:12:55,630
Yeah, nothing warms
the blood

379
00:12:55,664 --> 00:12:58,299
like an old whirly-bout
with the old butter-gyre,

380
00:12:58,333 --> 00:12:59,800
- eh, Leslie?
- Indeed.

381
00:12:59,835 --> 00:13:02,253
Man, this guy's tougher
than I thought.

382
00:13:02,287 --> 00:13:04,055
I don't know how either
of you guys are doing this.

383
00:13:04,089 --> 00:13:05,773
One time my refrigerator
stopped working,

384
00:13:05,807 --> 00:13:07,391
I didn't know what to do.
I just moved.

385
00:13:07,425 --> 00:13:09,143
I just don't think
he's ever gonna quit.

386
00:13:09,194 --> 00:13:10,561
He has that look
in his eye

387
00:13:10,595 --> 00:13:13,698
that Ben gets
when he plays Risk.

388
00:13:15,367 --> 00:13:17,501
Oh, wow.
That is really good.

389
00:13:17,536 --> 00:13:18,736
- Andy.
- No, I'm sorry.

390
00:13:18,754 --> 00:13:19,954
This tastes great.

391
00:13:20,005 --> 00:13:21,839
All my favorite foods
have butter on 'em.

392
00:13:21,874 --> 00:13:25,126
Pancakes, toast,
popcorn, grapes.

393
00:13:26,378 --> 00:13:28,679
Butter is my favorite food.

394
00:13:28,714 --> 00:13:29,914
Well, then you're gonna love
what I'm churning up.

395
00:13:29,932 --> 00:13:30,965
Take a look at...

396
00:13:31,016 --> 00:13:32,350
Oh, my God.
This is horrifying.

397
00:13:32,384 --> 00:13:34,101
Nobody eat that.

398
00:13:34,136 --> 00:13:35,553
I think I'm in over my head.

399
00:13:35,587 --> 00:13:37,421
Garth really knows his stuff.

400
00:13:37,439 --> 00:13:39,640
He planted
an entire field of barley.

401
00:13:39,691 --> 00:13:41,926
How long is
he planning on staying here?

402
00:13:41,944 --> 00:13:45,930
Hey, um, aren't we husband
and wife in this scenario?

403
00:13:45,948 --> 00:13:47,765
- I mean, like, shouldn't you...
- Not a chance.

404
00:13:47,783 --> 00:13:49,767
Okay.

405
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,707
Wait, what's that?

406
00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:57,310
Do you guys feel that?

407
00:13:58,329 --> 00:13:59,379
Aah!

408
00:13:59,413 --> 00:14:00,881
How long was that under there?

409
00:14:00,915 --> 00:14:02,432
Man, Garth is a machine.

410
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,451
He brought his own whale
blubber to light the lamps.

411
00:14:04,485 --> 00:14:06,386
I thought he was gonna last
an hour max.

412
00:14:06,421 --> 00:14:08,805
It's like he's getting stronger
the longer he stays here.

413
00:14:08,856 --> 00:14:12,359
Whee!
Look at my hoop, Leslie.

414
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:13,844
Look at my hoop!

415
00:14:13,878 --> 00:14:15,128
Ugh! Who could live like this?

416
00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:17,531
No one.
That's why we've moved on.

417
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:18,732
It's fun to be here on,

418
00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:20,434
like, a school field trip
or something.

419
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:22,469
- It's so, so, so fun.
- So, so fun.

420
00:14:22,503 --> 00:14:24,671
But to live like this
is insane.

421
00:14:24,706 --> 00:14:26,723
He must have cheated somehow.

422
00:14:26,758 --> 00:14:28,508
I mean, there's no way a man
who's into X-Men that much

423
00:14:28,542 --> 00:14:30,377
can stay away
from the Internet that long.

424
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:31,745
We should check his phone.

425
00:14:36,634 --> 00:14:38,068
Jerry Gergich.

426
00:14:38,102 --> 00:14:40,053
I need you to stop whatever
it is you're doing

427
00:14:40,071 --> 00:14:42,689
and file as many of these
as you can.

428
00:14:42,707 --> 00:14:46,777
Wow, Duraflex cut-top A350s
in deep maroon?

429
00:14:46,811 --> 00:14:48,929
The honor is all mine.

430
00:14:48,963 --> 00:14:51,031
Well, I knew you were
the man for the job.

431
00:14:51,065 --> 00:14:53,400
You are smart and capable.

432
00:14:53,418 --> 00:14:56,136
And I believe
you can accomplish anything.

433
00:14:56,170 --> 00:14:57,688
Thank you so much.

434
00:14:57,739 --> 00:14:59,873
You got it, champ.
Get filing.

435
00:14:59,907 --> 00:15:01,208
Aye, aye, Captain.

436
00:15:02,927 --> 00:15:04,795
That is
one motivated worker bee.

437
00:15:04,829 --> 00:15:06,363
You guys doing experiments
on Jerry?

438
00:15:06,414 --> 00:15:07,447
Yes.

439
00:15:07,481 --> 00:15:09,416
Cool.

440
00:15:13,488 --> 00:15:14,855
Got it.

441
00:15:14,889 --> 00:15:16,356
Okay, now let's not
read anything.

442
00:15:16,390 --> 00:15:17,674
That's an invasion
of his privacy.

443
00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:19,325
Let's just look
at his browser history

444
00:15:19,343 --> 00:15:21,912
and his inbox and his outbox
and his Facebook page.

445
00:15:21,946 --> 00:15:23,113
Yeah, he doesn't
have any new emails.

446
00:15:23,147 --> 00:15:24,664
Oh, my God. It's true.

447
00:15:24,699 --> 00:15:26,133
He hasn't gotten an email in...

448
00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:28,268
12 days!

449
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:29,319
Is he a ghost?

450
00:15:29,353 --> 00:15:31,104
The only ones
he gets are spam.

451
00:15:31,122 --> 00:15:33,123
And he responds to them.

452
00:15:33,174 --> 00:15:34,214
I think I'm gonna be sick.

453
00:15:34,242 --> 00:15:36,343
Oh, man.
This guy has no friends.

454
00:15:36,377 --> 00:15:38,662
I don't know. Seems like
he's friends with that mule.

455
00:15:42,050 --> 00:15:43,300
What's that?

456
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:45,018
Well,
since I can't give her

457
00:15:45,053 --> 00:15:46,519
a waffle iron
for breakfast day,

458
00:15:46,537 --> 00:15:48,438
I am making her
a miniature Leslie

459
00:15:48,473 --> 00:15:50,140
- out of breakfast food.
- Good lord.

460
00:15:50,174 --> 00:15:51,475
Well, listen,
I've been thinking.

461
00:15:51,526 --> 00:15:52,676
How would you feel
about going in

462
00:15:52,710 --> 00:15:54,911
- on the waffle iron together?
- Seriously?

463
00:15:54,962 --> 00:15:56,079
That would be great,

464
00:15:56,130 --> 00:15:58,148
but whose holiday
are we celebrating?

465
00:15:58,182 --> 00:15:59,533
Well, I think
I may have a plan

466
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,901
that'll get us out of
breakfast day and waffle day

467
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:03,536
and all the other days
without making us

468
00:16:03,554 --> 00:16:05,605
seem like ungrateful people
who are annoyed

469
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,157
at how amazing Leslie is.

470
00:16:07,191 --> 00:16:09,593
Dude, whatever it is,
I'm in.

471
00:16:09,627 --> 00:16:11,628
- Okay, great.
- What should I do with this?

472
00:16:11,662 --> 00:16:13,630
Just burn it
and bury the ashes

473
00:16:13,664 --> 00:16:16,466
and pray
it doesn't haunt you.

474
00:16:17,501 --> 00:16:18,552
Jerry,

475
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:21,004
stop filing
those red folders at once.

476
00:16:21,055 --> 00:16:22,823
Begin filing
these blue ones.

477
00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:24,908
Oh. Sorry, Ron.
I promised Chris that...

478
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:26,576
This is the top priority.

479
00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,245
I need these blue folders
done now.

480
00:16:28,296 --> 00:16:31,314
You can eat
when you have finished.

481
00:16:31,849 --> 00:16:32,599
File!

482
00:16:32,633 --> 00:16:35,118
Oh, my goodness.

483
00:16:35,153 --> 00:16:38,989
Money, fear, hunger.

484
00:16:40,358 --> 00:16:43,026
Hey, there, Garth.
Whatcha whittling?

485
00:16:43,077 --> 00:16:44,010
A birthing stick.

486
00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:45,195
What's that?

487
00:16:45,229 --> 00:16:47,364
- You do not want to know.
- Oh, my God.

488
00:16:47,398 --> 00:16:48,565
You look beautiful.

489
00:16:48,599 --> 00:16:50,400
I mean, you changed clothes.

490
00:16:50,434 --> 00:16:52,169
Violation.
I-I challenge

491
00:16:52,203 --> 00:16:53,987
- you are bonnetless!
- Yes, you're right.

492
00:16:54,005 --> 00:16:55,839
I admit, I can't take it
anymore. You win.

493
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:58,892
Huzzah!
The day is mine.

494
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:02,762
- I'm gonna miss saying "huzzah."
- Yeah.

495
00:17:02,797 --> 00:17:04,831
Garth,
I have another proposition.

496
00:17:04,865 --> 00:17:06,600
Yes, I will go out
on a date with you,

497
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,685
but I realize
you're a modern woman,

498
00:17:08,719 --> 00:17:09,920
so I will let you pay.

499
00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:11,321
No.

500
00:17:11,372 --> 00:17:12,989
I was wondering
would you like to join

501
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:14,624
the Pawnee Historical Commission?

502
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,927
Those clowns?
No thank you.

503
00:17:16,978 --> 00:17:19,095
They haven't answered
a single one of my complaints

504
00:17:19,130 --> 00:17:22,098
about their anachronistic use
of fonts in their newsletter.

505
00:17:22,133 --> 00:17:23,166
Well, I'm a member,

506
00:17:23,201 --> 00:17:24,601
and I think
we could really use you.

507
00:17:24,602 --> 00:17:28,104
But the only problem is
there's tons of meetings,

508
00:17:28,156 --> 00:17:30,841
lots of work with people
who also love history,

509
00:17:30,875 --> 00:17:34,628
and many social occasions that
you're gonna have to attend,

510
00:17:34,662 --> 00:17:36,263
like cocktail parties
and such.

511
00:17:36,297 --> 00:17:37,814
I can understand
if it's something

512
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:38,865
you don't want
to commit to.

513
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:40,667
Just sounds like such
a big bite

514
00:17:40,701 --> 00:17:41,918
out of my soap-making time.

515
00:17:42,453 --> 00:17:44,721
My cousin's arraignment
is in May.

516
00:17:44,755 --> 00:17:45,889
But that's a day.

517
00:17:45,923 --> 00:17:47,474
I just fly out,
I come back the same day.

518
00:17:47,508 --> 00:17:48,808
On a trial basis, yes.

519
00:17:48,843 --> 00:17:50,160
Yes, yes.

520
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:52,779
Great.
Welcome to the team.

521
00:17:52,813 --> 00:17:53,864
Garth dropped his protest,

522
00:17:53,915 --> 00:17:55,115
and we were able
to get rid of

523
00:17:55,149 --> 00:17:57,000
all the outdated laws
in the town charter.

524
00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:59,119
I mean, the charter is
a wonderful document,

525
00:17:59,153 --> 00:18:01,287
but we've had the benefit
of almost 200 years

526
00:18:01,305 --> 00:18:03,089
of learning and advancing.

527
00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:04,891
Seems to me
we ought to use it.

528
00:18:04,926 --> 00:18:07,394
I did not change
Article Two, though.

529
00:18:07,428 --> 00:18:08,645
I just couldn't vote

530
00:18:08,679 --> 00:18:10,146
against a good, old-fashioned
lake dunking.

531
00:18:10,181 --> 00:18:12,131
Though Garth and I did come up
with a compromise

532
00:18:12,149 --> 00:18:14,067
that I think will make
everybody happy.

533
00:18:14,101 --> 00:18:15,318
From this year hence,

534
00:18:15,369 --> 00:18:17,604
a volunteer will represent Ted

535
00:18:17,622 --> 00:18:20,824
in our town's most historic
and cherished tradition.

536
00:18:20,875 --> 00:18:23,877
This year, the honor
goes to Mr. Garth Blundin!

537
00:18:27,048 --> 00:18:30,116
Huzzah, I'm Ted! I'm Ted!

538
00:18:30,134 --> 00:18:31,501
I'm Ted too, guys.

539
00:18:31,552 --> 00:18:32,802
- Andy!
- Yeah!

540
00:18:32,837 --> 00:18:35,305
He's naked, everybody!
Put that away!

541
00:18:35,339 --> 00:18:38,258
- We're all Ted! Yeah!
- No, Andy!

542
00:18:40,511 --> 00:18:42,145
Whoo!

543
00:18:42,179 --> 00:18:44,147
Thank God.
I don't know how to swim.

544
00:18:45,786 --> 00:18:47,285
Okay, final tally.

545
00:18:47,286 --> 00:18:51,519
- Jerry filed 268 red files.
- Yes!

546
00:18:51,553 --> 00:18:54,355
And 384 blue files.

547
00:18:54,889 --> 00:18:55,657
- Yes.
- Wait a minute.

548
00:18:55,691 --> 00:18:56,724
How is that possible?

549
00:18:56,742 --> 00:18:57,826
Well, he was so happy

550
00:18:57,860 --> 00:18:59,010
when you told him
he was doing a great job

551
00:18:59,044 --> 00:19:00,111
that he spent 20 minutes
on the phone

552
00:19:00,146 --> 00:19:01,279
telling Gayle about it.

553
00:19:01,313 --> 00:19:04,115
- And the prosecution rests.
- Not so fast.

554
00:19:04,150 --> 00:19:05,550
He may have filed
more blue ones,

555
00:19:05,584 --> 00:19:06,868
but they're almost
all filed wrong.

556
00:19:06,902 --> 00:19:09,204
Not surprising
since he was a mess

557
00:19:09,238 --> 00:19:10,455
after you talked to him.

558
00:19:10,506 --> 00:19:12,674
Another fascinating edition
of "ka-tumts."

559
00:19:12,708 --> 00:19:15,243
We may never know conclusively
which way works better.

560
00:19:15,261 --> 00:19:16,744
But I do know this...

561
00:19:16,762 --> 00:19:18,346
When we first started
the seminar,

562
00:19:18,380 --> 00:19:22,183
I hoped to be able to engage you
in the process.

563
00:19:22,218 --> 00:19:24,102
And by that measure
I succeeded.

564
00:19:24,136 --> 00:19:25,937
And I predicted that
I would learn nothing

565
00:19:25,971 --> 00:19:28,523
from this process.

566
00:19:28,557 --> 00:19:30,725
Mission accomplished.

567
00:19:30,759 --> 00:19:32,093
What did April write?

568
00:19:32,111 --> 00:19:34,195
Where is April?

569
00:19:36,699 --> 00:19:39,200
"I will pit Ron and Chris
against each other.

570
00:19:39,235 --> 00:19:41,035
They'll argue about dumb stuff

571
00:19:41,070 --> 00:19:42,737
that doesn't matter,
and I will bail.

572
00:19:42,771 --> 00:19:44,706
Then I'll steal $20
from Chris's wallet

573
00:19:44,740 --> 00:19:46,440
and buy pizza with Andy.

574
00:19:46,458 --> 00:19:49,911
Oh, and I'll also steal
Ron's watch, just for fun.

575
00:19:50,245 --> 00:19:53,114
I think April will be
a fine manager.

576
00:19:53,632 --> 00:19:54,716
I agree.

577
00:19:54,750 --> 00:19:56,384
It's my favorite kind
of battle...

578
00:19:56,918 --> 00:20:00,221
Two men enter,
one me leaves.

579
00:20:00,256 --> 00:20:03,141
- Happy waffle day.
- Happy breakfast day.

580
00:20:03,175 --> 00:20:04,759
Oh, my God!

581
00:20:04,793 --> 00:20:06,961
You guys,
this is the best

582
00:20:06,979 --> 00:20:08,479
Breakfast Day/Waffle Day
joint present

583
00:20:08,514 --> 00:20:10,348
I have ever received.

584
00:20:10,399 --> 00:20:12,433
Wow.
Thank you so much.

585
00:20:12,467 --> 00:20:13,518
You're welcome.

586
00:20:13,569 --> 00:20:15,687
But Ann and I wanted
to tell you

587
00:20:15,738 --> 00:20:18,690
that this is the last
Breakfast Day and Waffle Day

588
00:20:18,741 --> 00:20:19,741
we'll be celebrating.

589
00:20:19,775 --> 00:20:21,075
Wait, what?

590
00:20:21,610 --> 00:20:22,944
Oh, my God.
You're both dying.

591
00:20:22,978 --> 00:20:26,197
No, no. We just can't keep up
with all the anniversaries.

592
00:20:26,248 --> 00:20:28,649
It's too much, especially 'cause
you're so good at them.

593
00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:30,118
I'm no better at them
than you are.

594
00:20:30,152 --> 00:20:32,287
That's ridiculous, I'm so
much better. Point taken.

595
00:20:32,321 --> 00:20:34,021
But we have a compromise.

596
00:20:34,039 --> 00:20:36,741
Every year, there will be
one day, "Ann Day,"

597
00:20:36,792 --> 00:20:38,552
where you can celebrate
all of Ann's holidays

598
00:20:38,577 --> 00:20:41,746
and "Ben Day" where we can
celebrate all of ours.

599
00:20:41,797 --> 00:20:44,048
What about
Ann Month and Ben Month?

600
00:20:44,783 --> 00:20:45,883
How about a week?

601
00:20:47,418 --> 00:20:47,969
Fine.

602
00:20:48,003 --> 00:20:49,704
We went in with a day,

603
00:20:49,722 --> 00:20:51,339
figuring she'd counter
with a month.

604
00:20:51,373 --> 00:20:52,890
We were fine with a week.

605
00:20:52,925 --> 00:20:54,759
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

606
00:20:54,810 --> 00:20:55,876
But there will be
a third week.

607
00:20:55,894 --> 00:20:57,278
It will be called Friend Week.

608
00:20:57,313 --> 00:20:59,097
It will be commemorating
this week,

609
00:20:59,148 --> 00:21:00,381
the week that
my two best friends

610
00:21:00,399 --> 00:21:01,599
became each other's
best friends.

611
00:21:01,650 --> 00:21:03,518
I have a Friend Week present
for you right now.

612
00:21:03,552 --> 00:21:05,019
Here you go.

613
00:21:05,053 --> 00:21:07,388
How did you already
have these?

614
00:21:07,406 --> 00:21:08,889
- Thank you.
- Thanks.

615
00:21:08,890 --> 00:21:13,889
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com