1 00:00:03,024 --> 00:00:04,401 And before we start brainstorming, 2 00:00:04,415 --> 00:00:06,537 I just wanna thank Ron for lending us his cabin. 3 00:00:06,606 --> 00:00:07,892 Lending? 4 00:00:07,963 --> 00:00:09,597 Makes it sound like I had a choice in the matter. 5 00:00:09,668 --> 00:00:10,962 I never should've agreed to this 6 00:00:11,087 --> 00:00:12,739 or let you know that I have a cabin 7 00:00:13,009 --> 00:00:14,701 or gotten to know any of you. 8 00:00:14,826 --> 00:00:16,081 That's the spirit. 9 00:00:16,214 --> 00:00:17,918 Founder's week is a yearly celebration 10 00:00:17,989 --> 00:00:19,101 of all things Pawnee. 11 00:00:19,171 --> 00:00:21,049 We've got a pie-eating contest, 12 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:22,128 a giant petting zoo, 13 00:00:22,198 --> 00:00:23,936 and the granddaddy of them all, 14 00:00:24,006 --> 00:00:25,674 the founder's week parade. 15 00:00:25,745 --> 00:00:26,963 I don't wanna over-hype it, 16 00:00:27,033 --> 00:00:29,919 but our parade makes the rose bowl parade 17 00:00:29,990 --> 00:00:31,575 look like a turds-on-wheels convention. 18 00:00:31,702 --> 00:00:32,797 Let's do an exercise. 19 00:00:32,922 --> 00:00:35,186 April, what makes Pawnee the best city in the world? 20 00:00:35,311 --> 00:00:37,767 Most murders per capita. 21 00:00:37,892 --> 00:00:39,880 The guillotine was invented here. 22 00:00:40,005 --> 00:00:42,045 City Hall is run by the walrus mafia. 23 00:00:42,170 --> 00:00:44,869 Donna, help me out. What makes Pawnee so great? 24 00:00:44,994 --> 00:00:46,202 Cost of living is cheap. 25 00:00:46,327 --> 00:00:48,205 In about three years, I will have saved enough 26 00:00:48,211 --> 00:00:49,769 to pay off my condo in Seattle. 27 00:00:49,895 --> 00:00:51,556 You have a condo in Seattle? 28 00:00:51,681 --> 00:00:53,546 Yes, I like the rain and the fish markets. 29 00:00:53,689 --> 00:00:55,114 Guys, we need to focus. 30 00:00:55,184 --> 00:00:57,388 I want this to be the best founder's week ever, okay? 31 00:00:57,514 --> 00:01:01,241 - No more distractions. - I'm bored. 32 00:01:01,366 --> 00:01:03,241 Let's go have sex in a tree. 33 00:01:03,366 --> 00:01:04,729 He'll be back in eight minutes. 34 00:01:04,854 --> 00:01:06,503 Why did you have to bring her here? 35 00:01:06,628 --> 00:01:08,233 I don't really have any power in this relationship. 36 00:01:08,358 --> 00:01:09,651 I'll think of ideas in the tree. 37 00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:11,776 Anyone's welcome to join us in the tree! 38 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:26,067 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 39 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,165 Really? 40 00:01:36,236 --> 00:01:38,669 Okay. Thank you. 41 00:01:38,739 --> 00:01:40,687 Bye. 42 00:01:40,758 --> 00:01:42,879 You okay? 43 00:01:42,950 --> 00:01:43,923 Yeah, I'm fine. 44 00:01:43,993 --> 00:01:45,069 Good morning, 45 00:01:45,140 --> 00:01:47,471 colleagues, co-workers, friends. 46 00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:51,298 Everyone feeling normal... today? 47 00:01:51,369 --> 00:01:52,446 Here's what happened. 48 00:01:52,517 --> 00:01:54,150 I left my sweat shirt at Ron's cabin. 49 00:01:54,221 --> 00:01:57,804 When I went back to get it, I found this in the trash: 50 00:01:57,875 --> 00:01:59,650 Positive pregnancy test. 51 00:01:59,936 --> 00:02:02,336 Side note: I accidentally threw my sweat shirt away. 52 00:02:02,406 --> 00:02:03,866 That's why I was digging through the trash. 53 00:02:03,937 --> 00:02:05,293 Found that too. Pretty cool. 54 00:02:05,363 --> 00:02:07,623 So if my science is correct, 55 00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:10,790 one of the five women who were at the cabin... 56 00:02:10,861 --> 00:02:15,567 Leslie, Donna, Ann, Mona-Lisa, or April... 57 00:02:15,692 --> 00:02:16,818 is pregnant! 58 00:02:16,943 --> 00:02:18,254 Can't be April. 59 00:02:18,567 --> 00:02:19,562 She would've told me. 60 00:02:19,687 --> 00:02:21,872 That leaves four suspects. 61 00:02:22,471 --> 00:02:24,760 There's only one man for this job: 62 00:02:24,885 --> 00:02:27,831 Bert Macklin, FBI. 63 00:02:27,921 --> 00:02:29,764 They said I was retired. 64 00:02:29,835 --> 00:02:31,051 They said I was too dangerous 65 00:02:31,122 --> 00:02:32,512 for the Pawnee Police Department. 66 00:02:32,583 --> 00:02:34,080 Turns out they were right... 67 00:02:34,205 --> 00:02:35,669 and wrong. 68 00:02:35,794 --> 00:02:39,309 Macklin, you son of a bitch. 69 00:02:40,404 --> 00:02:41,822 Hello, fellow Pawneeans. 70 00:02:41,949 --> 00:02:43,967 As you know, the founder's week festivities 71 00:02:44,037 --> 00:02:45,011 kick off tomorrow. 72 00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:46,576 Um, one small announcement: 73 00:02:46,646 --> 00:02:48,246 Due to a tragic misunderstanding, 74 00:02:48,316 --> 00:02:50,819 the prettiest pig beauty pageant 75 00:02:50,891 --> 00:02:53,559 has been replaced by a pork rib barbecue competition. 76 00:02:54,455 --> 00:02:55,691 Oh, no. 77 00:02:55,816 --> 00:02:57,156 But on to less grisly news, 78 00:02:57,426 --> 00:02:58,731 thank you for participating 79 00:02:58,856 --> 00:03:01,129 in our special founder's week public forum 80 00:03:01,254 --> 00:03:03,535 led by councilwoman Leslie Knope. 81 00:03:05,679 --> 00:03:07,118 Thanks to a lot of hard work 82 00:03:07,243 --> 00:03:08,828 and some very dedicated civil servants, 83 00:03:08,865 --> 00:03:11,345 this has been a banner year for our city. 84 00:03:11,470 --> 00:03:13,957 Obesity and diabetes are down. 85 00:03:14,082 --> 00:03:15,207 Test scores are up. 86 00:03:15,332 --> 00:03:17,243 Pawnee raccoon attacks have decreased. 87 00:03:17,368 --> 00:03:19,170 People can now suddenly feel safe 88 00:03:19,295 --> 00:03:21,119 in our parks, grocery stores, and hospitals. 89 00:03:21,244 --> 00:03:23,382 I am very proud of what we've accomplished. 90 00:03:23,508 --> 00:03:27,883 In fact, this forum is kind of my victory lap. 91 00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:30,534 I am here today to ask you one question. 92 00:03:30,659 --> 00:03:34,674 Are you better off now than you were a year ago? 93 00:03:34,799 --> 00:03:36,394 Who'd like to start? Uh-oh. 94 00:03:36,636 --> 00:03:39,663 Kathryn Pinewood, Pawnee Restaurant Association. 95 00:03:39,788 --> 00:03:41,739 This town is not better off. 96 00:03:41,864 --> 00:03:43,787 This past year has been a disaster, 97 00:03:43,912 --> 00:03:45,665 and this government is hell-bent 98 00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:49,556 on stripping away our most basic personal freedoms. 99 00:03:49,682 --> 00:03:50,993 Okay, counterpoint. 100 00:03:51,118 --> 00:03:54,088 Ms. Pinewood, I've never stripped away anyone's freedoms. 101 00:03:54,213 --> 00:03:55,949 I simply stopped a restaurant 102 00:03:56,074 --> 00:04:00,051 from serving an insane 500-ounce soda to its customers, 103 00:04:00,176 --> 00:04:01,761 which only made our citizens healthier. 104 00:04:01,892 --> 00:04:03,596 And frankly, I don't see any of those citizens 105 00:04:03,666 --> 00:04:05,055 standing up and complaining abo... 106 00:04:07,704 --> 00:04:09,026 Okay. Now, I see them. 107 00:04:09,282 --> 00:04:11,785 Whoa! Darren! Slow down! 108 00:04:11,910 --> 00:04:13,963 That sweat suit's not for sweatin' in, okay? 109 00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:15,049 This is crushed velvet. 110 00:04:15,127 --> 00:04:16,281 If you go at more than a brisk walk, 111 00:04:16,406 --> 00:04:17,199 it will fall apart. 112 00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:19,720 This looks dope. Let's pay for it. 113 00:04:19,845 --> 00:04:21,682 Business is booming. 114 00:04:21,807 --> 00:04:23,800 If it keeps up like this, I would leave the Parks Department 115 00:04:23,925 --> 00:04:26,712 and do Rent-A-Swag full-time, maybe even expand. 116 00:04:26,838 --> 00:04:28,476 I could add a baby section over there, 117 00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:29,443 call it "Li'l Swaggers." 118 00:04:29,568 --> 00:04:30,708 I could add some old people stuff, 119 00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:31,825 call it "Rent-A-Sag." 120 00:04:31,950 --> 00:04:34,404 Ugh, no. Old people are gross. 121 00:04:34,530 --> 00:04:36,266 Oh. Nice. 122 00:04:36,391 --> 00:04:38,768 Hey, dingdong! Can I go home? 123 00:04:38,893 --> 00:04:40,403 My tum-tum feels gross, 124 00:04:40,528 --> 00:04:42,805 and also, I hate working. 125 00:04:43,131 --> 00:04:45,650 I guess, but find someone to cover for you, okay? 126 00:04:45,775 --> 00:04:46,758 'Cause we're really busy right now. 127 00:04:48,036 --> 00:04:50,297 Also, a lawyer guy called you. 128 00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:53,002 He sounded really sexy on the phone, 129 00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:54,488 and I was very into that. 130 00:04:54,613 --> 00:04:57,289 Like, I was, like, very into that. 131 00:04:57,414 --> 00:04:58,597 All right, let's set up some boundaries 132 00:04:58,723 --> 00:05:00,433 on what's cool for you to say to me, okay? 133 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,455 Okay. I frenched my cousin one time. 134 00:05:02,581 --> 00:05:03,632 That's gross. 135 00:05:03,757 --> 00:05:04,868 I might still be in love with him. 136 00:05:04,993 --> 00:05:07,045 - Please leave. - All right, bye. 137 00:05:09,227 --> 00:05:11,260 Tom Haverford, my name is Trevor Nelsson. 138 00:05:11,385 --> 00:05:14,133 I represent a client who would like to make you an offer. 139 00:05:14,258 --> 00:05:15,855 Babyface heard my demo? 140 00:05:15,980 --> 00:05:17,489 I will accept a record deal. 141 00:05:17,614 --> 00:05:19,650 No, you deeply misunderstand. 142 00:05:19,775 --> 00:05:22,032 My client has taken an interest in Rent-A-Swag. 143 00:05:22,157 --> 00:05:23,973 He'd like to know if you are looking 144 00:05:24,098 --> 00:05:25,921 to sell a controlling interest in the store. 145 00:05:26,046 --> 00:05:28,400 Whoa, Diddy wants to buy Rent-A-Swag? 146 00:05:28,525 --> 00:05:30,711 - Not what I said. - This is a lot to process. 147 00:05:30,836 --> 00:05:33,796 Will Diddy be coming to the meeting? 148 00:05:33,921 --> 00:05:35,965 I'm not at liberty to tell you who my client is. 149 00:05:36,025 --> 00:05:37,722 It would violate confidentiality. 150 00:05:37,847 --> 00:05:40,632 - I understand. - It's not Diddy. 151 00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:41,712 Got it. 152 00:05:50,385 --> 00:05:53,362 - Oh. - Oh, hello... Ann. 153 00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:55,566 Oh, boy. What do you want, Macklin? 154 00:05:55,691 --> 00:05:57,700 Me? Just observing. 155 00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:59,911 A little something they taught us down at Quantico. 156 00:05:59,944 --> 00:06:01,758 Well, I guess I'll get out of your hair. 157 00:06:01,884 --> 00:06:04,692 Wait, there is just one more question. 158 00:06:04,817 --> 00:06:07,282 - Congratulations. - Is that a question? 159 00:06:07,407 --> 00:06:09,614 It's an accusation, 'cause I know your secret. 160 00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:13,111 - You're pregnant. - What? I'm not pregnant. 161 00:06:13,237 --> 00:06:15,088 You're not? Damn it. Who is? 162 00:06:15,214 --> 00:06:16,997 'Cause I found this at Ron Swanson's cabin. 163 00:06:17,122 --> 00:06:18,462 - It's a pregnancy test. - Oh, my God. 164 00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:19,823 Someone we know is pregnant? 165 00:06:19,949 --> 00:06:21,742 I'm trying to get pregnant. That's not fair. 166 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:23,629 I mean, great, and happy for them, 167 00:06:23,754 --> 00:06:25,006 and congratulations, whatever, 168 00:06:25,088 --> 00:06:26,928 but ooh! No! Boo! 169 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,351 We have to find out who this is. 170 00:06:28,476 --> 00:06:31,313 Whoa, I don't think so. Bert Macklin works alone. 171 00:06:31,438 --> 00:06:32,624 I will buy lunch. 172 00:06:32,749 --> 00:06:33,801 You can have as many burgers as you want. 173 00:06:33,926 --> 00:06:35,270 Welcome to the FBI. 174 00:06:36,662 --> 00:06:38,984 Ms. Pinewood, Leslie's public health initiative 175 00:06:39,089 --> 00:06:40,442 has been a huge success. 176 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,207 Pawnee is no longer the fourth most obese city in America. 177 00:06:43,332 --> 00:06:44,619 We're now ninth. 178 00:06:44,690 --> 00:06:46,185 Together, as a town, we lost 179 00:06:46,256 --> 00:06:48,950 an amount of weight equal to 800 pregnant manatees. 180 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,468 A gym opened, and it stayed in business. 181 00:06:51,593 --> 00:06:53,490 And people checking into the E.R. 182 00:06:53,561 --> 00:06:56,628 after ingesting a whole candy wrapper is down 40%. 183 00:06:56,753 --> 00:06:58,291 But where will it end? 184 00:06:58,416 --> 00:07:00,382 Now, you wanna rob our children of fun 185 00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:03,183 by attacking the Sweetums school lunch program, 186 00:07:03,309 --> 00:07:05,473 literally taking candy from babies. 187 00:07:05,598 --> 00:07:07,798 Those school lunches are incredibly unhealthy. 188 00:07:07,924 --> 00:07:10,015 You somehow convinced the school board 189 00:07:10,086 --> 00:07:11,615 that napkins are a vegetable. 190 00:07:11,686 --> 00:07:12,770 They're made from plants. 191 00:07:12,894 --> 00:07:15,930 Stop restricting our freedoms. 192 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:19,199 Yeah! 193 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,586 My name is Dewey from Sanitation. 194 00:07:23,836 --> 00:07:25,469 Ever since you stripped us of our freedoms 195 00:07:25,540 --> 00:07:27,000 by making us hire women, 196 00:07:27,071 --> 00:07:28,913 we've had to turn one of our bathrooms 197 00:07:28,984 --> 00:07:30,584 into a woman's bathroom. 198 00:07:30,654 --> 00:07:32,010 We only have one bathroom now. 199 00:07:32,081 --> 00:07:33,262 I'm so sorry, Dewey. 200 00:07:33,333 --> 00:07:34,967 That sounds like a horrible price to pay 201 00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:37,473 for something as trivial as gender equality. 202 00:07:37,543 --> 00:07:38,864 So you agree. 203 00:07:38,935 --> 00:07:41,437 Bjorn Lerpiss of the Pawnee Lerpiss family. 204 00:07:41,508 --> 00:07:43,136 There was supposed to be a Paunch Burger 205 00:07:43,197 --> 00:07:44,407 in this lot next to my house. 206 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:45,575 And then, you stripped my freedom 207 00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:46,783 by putting a park there. 208 00:07:46,908 --> 00:07:47,886 Now, if I wanna start my day off 209 00:07:48,012 --> 00:07:49,847 with a triple-decker pancake breakfast pizza, 210 00:07:49,934 --> 00:07:51,489 I gotta go to the one that's 10 minutes away, 211 00:07:51,614 --> 00:07:53,395 and that makes me 20 minutes late to work every day. 212 00:07:53,708 --> 00:07:54,532 I work at home. 213 00:07:54,657 --> 00:07:56,496 Have you ever considered not eating that for breakfast? 214 00:07:56,621 --> 00:07:58,373 I'll never consider that. 215 00:07:58,498 --> 00:08:00,905 This feels strangely personal. 216 00:08:01,030 --> 00:08:02,224 Maybe it's because they're all standing up 217 00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:04,870 saying how much they hate me as a person. 218 00:08:06,164 --> 00:08:08,738 How many people am I talking to, Donna? 219 00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:10,825 One or 11/9? 220 00:08:10,950 --> 00:08:12,774 Are you asking me if I'm pregnant? 221 00:08:12,899 --> 00:08:15,188 Oh. Interesting. 222 00:08:15,313 --> 00:08:16,795 I don't remember saying anything 223 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:18,899 about anyone being pregnant. 224 00:08:19,024 --> 00:08:21,358 Are you sure it's not you? 225 00:08:21,484 --> 00:08:23,392 I'm a grown woman with a good head on her shoulders. 226 00:08:23,517 --> 00:08:24,857 Don't worry about me. 227 00:08:25,241 --> 00:08:29,045 Whew. This case just got interesting. 228 00:08:29,170 --> 00:08:29,898 Well, not just. 229 00:08:30,023 --> 00:08:31,818 It was pretty interesting to begin with. 230 00:08:31,943 --> 00:08:35,637 This case just remained interesting. 231 00:08:36,491 --> 00:08:38,283 Listen, my wife and I do not feel 232 00:08:38,408 --> 00:08:40,030 that we're better off than a year ago 233 00:08:40,155 --> 00:08:41,565 because a year ago, this town 234 00:08:41,690 --> 00:08:43,030 was not a horrifying sex den 235 00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:44,559 where people could put their body parts 236 00:08:44,684 --> 00:08:45,875 anywhere they want with impunity. 237 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,169 And then, you were elected. 238 00:08:47,263 --> 00:08:49,783 And now, this town a horrifying sex den 239 00:08:49,908 --> 00:08:51,409 where people can put their body parts 240 00:08:51,415 --> 00:08:53,355 anywhere they want to with impunity. 241 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:54,009 Yeah. 242 00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:55,815 If you are referring to my fight 243 00:08:55,940 --> 00:08:58,466 to teach comprehensive sex education, 244 00:08:58,592 --> 00:09:00,261 you need to at least acknowledge the fact 245 00:09:00,342 --> 00:09:02,421 that STDs are down 14% from last year. 246 00:09:02,547 --> 00:09:05,992 And deviant behavior in Pawnee is up a billion percent! 247 00:09:06,117 --> 00:09:06,952 No, it's... no, it's... 248 00:09:06,956 --> 00:09:08,041 This town is going to hell 249 00:09:08,094 --> 00:09:10,270 in a Gucci knock-off handbag, girl. 250 00:09:10,395 --> 00:09:12,317 See? See? 251 00:09:12,442 --> 00:09:14,309 They agree. Come on. 252 00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:16,812 I am definitely better off than I was a year ago, 253 00:09:16,937 --> 00:09:18,495 and it's all thanks to Leslie Knope. 254 00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:21,133 This woman single-handedly saved my business. 255 00:09:21,258 --> 00:09:23,260 Thank you, Dennis. There you go, perfect example. 256 00:09:23,341 --> 00:09:24,666 No need for further questions on that one. 257 00:09:24,791 --> 00:09:27,532 Oh, I'm sorry. What is your business, sir? 258 00:09:27,657 --> 00:09:29,642 Oh, I run a pornographic DVD emporium. 259 00:09:29,768 --> 00:09:33,335 Well, it used to be a quaint, little movie rental place 260 00:09:33,460 --> 00:09:34,871 with a lot of community value. 261 00:09:35,006 --> 00:09:36,223 - Oh, it's much better now. - Yeah! 262 00:09:38,833 --> 00:09:41,406 - Leslie is the best. - No, no, Brandi. 263 00:09:41,477 --> 00:09:42,520 - Gah, gah, gah, gah... - Hello, everyone. 264 00:09:42,591 --> 00:09:45,512 - I'm Brandi Maxxxx... - Hi, Brandi. 265 00:09:45,582 --> 00:09:49,338 Star of such films as the incredible Burt Wonderbone, 266 00:09:49,409 --> 00:09:52,506 A Good Guy to Lay Hard, and Argo. 267 00:09:52,631 --> 00:09:54,312 I had a small part in Argo 268 00:09:54,437 --> 00:09:56,729 as well as the porn version Our Goo. 269 00:09:56,854 --> 00:09:58,421 I've seen the first 90 seconds. 270 00:09:58,546 --> 00:09:59,330 It's thrilling. 271 00:09:59,456 --> 00:10:00,830 If it weren't for Leslie Knope, 272 00:10:00,955 --> 00:10:03,929 there would be far, far less pornography in this town. 273 00:10:04,054 --> 00:10:06,967 No, what happened was there was a misunderstanding, 274 00:10:07,092 --> 00:10:09,413 and I accidentally got the government involved 275 00:10:09,539 --> 00:10:11,500 in an unseemly business, but I cleared that up, 276 00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:12,511 and everything's fine. 277 00:10:12,636 --> 00:10:15,753 It's not like I'm some kind of sex-crazed maniac or something. 278 00:10:15,878 --> 00:10:17,289 Leslie, are you pregnant? 279 00:10:17,414 --> 00:10:18,824 Did you or did you not leave 280 00:10:18,949 --> 00:10:21,341 this positive pregnancy test in a dumpster in the woods? 281 00:10:22,734 --> 00:10:24,341 Hey, everybody. 282 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,222 - No. - Really? 283 00:10:28,347 --> 00:10:30,099 Okay. Well, I'll get out of your hair. 284 00:10:30,224 --> 00:10:31,602 Sorry to interrupt. 285 00:10:31,727 --> 00:10:33,692 Was that Brandi Maxxxx? 286 00:10:34,722 --> 00:10:38,818 Investors, I have some very exciting news about Rent-A-Swag. 287 00:10:38,943 --> 00:10:41,220 Someone... I'm not saying Diddy, 288 00:10:41,345 --> 00:10:43,170 but I'm not not saying Diddy... 289 00:10:43,295 --> 00:10:45,103 has offered to buy out Rent-A-Swag 290 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:46,909 for a buttload of money. 291 00:10:47,034 --> 00:10:48,580 How big a buttload, son? 292 00:10:48,705 --> 00:10:52,199 We would all basically double our investments. 293 00:10:52,324 --> 00:10:54,509 Are you kidding me? Sell, baby. 294 00:10:54,634 --> 00:10:56,026 Imagine the kind of treat-yourself day 295 00:10:56,151 --> 00:10:57,249 we could have with the profits. 296 00:10:57,374 --> 00:11:01,073 I'm talking pedicures on pedicures on pedicures. 297 00:11:01,199 --> 00:11:02,183 That is appealing. 298 00:11:02,308 --> 00:11:04,405 If someone is interested in buying you out, 299 00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:05,849 it means you're doing something right. 300 00:11:05,974 --> 00:11:07,550 I say you continue to grow, 301 00:11:07,675 --> 00:11:09,800 accumulate power, find this investor, 302 00:11:09,925 --> 00:11:11,971 and buy his business to teach him a lesson. 303 00:11:12,096 --> 00:11:14,507 - April, what do you think? - I thought about this a lot. 304 00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:17,279 I actually think that you should get a "Hello Kitty" tattoo. 305 00:11:17,404 --> 00:11:19,053 - No, with the store. - Oh. 306 00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,987 Uh, burn it for the insurance money. 307 00:11:21,243 --> 00:11:23,006 Tom, listen to me, if there's one thing I've learned... 308 00:11:23,131 --> 00:11:25,178 - God, nobody cares, Gary. - Enough. 309 00:11:25,911 --> 00:11:27,795 - Thank you. - I miss you guys. 310 00:11:28,753 --> 00:11:31,282 What a wonderful event. Everyone is having fun. 311 00:11:31,406 --> 00:11:32,691 This is great. 312 00:11:32,763 --> 00:11:34,396 Chris, could you just please... 313 00:11:34,467 --> 00:11:36,311 I'm sorry, I was just trying to cheer you up. 314 00:11:36,382 --> 00:11:37,633 - Just hang in there. - Thanks. 315 00:11:37,665 --> 00:11:39,214 All right, if you'll excuse me, I found out 316 00:11:39,339 --> 00:11:41,321 this morning that I am playing 317 00:11:41,391 --> 00:11:43,617 a special role in this parade. 318 00:11:43,688 --> 00:11:44,708 No spoilers. 319 00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:47,893 Honey, I hate to state the obvious, 320 00:11:48,018 --> 00:11:49,941 but you chose a life in politics. 321 00:11:50,066 --> 00:11:51,757 I mean, the more you actually accomplish, 322 00:11:51,827 --> 00:11:53,323 the more heat you're gonna draw. 323 00:11:53,392 --> 00:11:56,071 - Yeah, I know. - Let's go watch the parade. 324 00:11:56,142 --> 00:11:57,134 You know you can't resist a parade. 325 00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:58,342 That's true. 326 00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:00,350 Parades and your butt: 327 00:12:00,421 --> 00:12:01,567 - My two vices. - There you go. 328 00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:03,446 Whoa, what are you doing? 329 00:12:03,517 --> 00:12:05,644 My assistant has something she'd like to show you. 330 00:12:05,771 --> 00:12:07,279 Partner. 331 00:12:07,678 --> 00:12:10,464 Oh, my assistant has something she'd like to show you, partner. 332 00:12:10,834 --> 00:12:12,426 It's a positive pregnancy test, Tom. 333 00:12:12,551 --> 00:12:14,046 I found it outside of Ron's cabin 334 00:12:14,172 --> 00:12:15,284 after our brainstorming session. 335 00:12:15,409 --> 00:12:18,365 Is there any possibility Mona-Lisa could be pregnant? 336 00:12:18,490 --> 00:12:21,259 We always use protection... 337 00:12:21,363 --> 00:12:22,894 but I'm pretty positive she pokes holes in them. 338 00:12:22,964 --> 00:12:24,459 What brand pregnancy test is it? 339 00:12:24,529 --> 00:12:26,407 It's called "Womb There It Is." 340 00:12:26,478 --> 00:12:28,083 That's her brand. 341 00:12:28,424 --> 00:12:30,258 I'm gonna be a dad? 342 00:12:30,515 --> 00:12:33,401 I'm gonna have a baby with Jean-Ralphio's sister? 343 00:12:33,526 --> 00:12:35,256 Oh, God. What have I done? 344 00:12:35,381 --> 00:12:37,176 Like, to humanity? 345 00:12:43,603 --> 00:12:44,687 This is the perfect thing 346 00:12:44,751 --> 00:12:46,142 to take my mind off of yesterday. 347 00:12:46,213 --> 00:12:49,065 I am going to pretend that this is my victory parade 348 00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:51,951 and the town is celebrating my hard work and dedication. 349 00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:53,657 - There you go. - Leslie, Leslie. 350 00:12:53,727 --> 00:12:55,485 I'm so sorry. I need to talk to you. 351 00:12:55,610 --> 00:12:58,271 What are... what? 352 00:12:58,546 --> 00:12:59,902 I'm the Nipple King. 353 00:12:59,973 --> 00:13:01,538 Kernston's Rubber Nipple Company 354 00:13:01,607 --> 00:13:03,651 elects a nipple king and a nipple queen every year 355 00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:04,876 to ride on the float. 356 00:13:04,947 --> 00:13:06,963 - Congratulations, Chris. - Thank you. 357 00:13:07,034 --> 00:13:09,086 - It's such an amazing honor. - It's wonderful. 358 00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:10,365 But I do need to talk to you 359 00:13:10,409 --> 00:13:11,911 about a float that is in this parade, 360 00:13:11,940 --> 00:13:12,948 because I'm not sure that you're going to be... 361 00:13:13,019 --> 00:13:15,557 - No fun for you! - Uh-oh. 362 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,332 No fun for you! 363 00:13:17,401 --> 00:13:19,558 - Is that me? - Maybe it's not you. 364 00:13:19,629 --> 00:13:21,837 - Maybe it's Kate Upton. - Oh, thank you. 365 00:13:21,962 --> 00:13:24,482 No, it's me, and damn them. No fun for you! 366 00:13:24,608 --> 00:13:26,203 Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! 367 00:13:26,328 --> 00:13:27,533 Hey, stop, please! 368 00:13:27,659 --> 00:13:29,226 Stop! Excuse me, Pawnee. 369 00:13:29,351 --> 00:13:31,898 I'm sorry, I don't mean to stop your parade or anything, 370 00:13:32,023 --> 00:13:34,062 but I just have to say something here, okay? 371 00:13:34,187 --> 00:13:35,768 I don't think this is very fair! 372 00:13:35,893 --> 00:13:37,603 Babe... babe, stop wagging your finger. 373 00:13:37,728 --> 00:13:39,542 Certain people are lashing out at me 374 00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:41,477 because of things that I did this year. 375 00:13:41,602 --> 00:13:43,951 But I am not trying to stop you from having fun. 376 00:13:44,076 --> 00:13:45,782 I am an extremely fun person. 377 00:13:45,907 --> 00:13:48,369 This float represents a group 378 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:52,349 of over 300 business owners, individuals, 379 00:13:52,474 --> 00:13:55,548 and community leaders who are protesting 380 00:13:55,673 --> 00:13:57,660 unfair government regulation. 381 00:13:57,786 --> 00:14:01,845 We are the committee to recall Leslie Knope. 382 00:14:01,970 --> 00:14:04,555 Let's kick her out of office. 383 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,847 Recall Knope! 384 00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:09,173 Recall Knope! 385 00:14:09,298 --> 00:14:11,013 Recall Knope! 386 00:14:11,138 --> 00:14:14,421 - Recall Knope! - Legalize weed! 387 00:14:14,491 --> 00:14:17,344 Recall Knope! Recall Knope! 388 00:14:18,018 --> 00:14:19,618 So, I need to ask you something 389 00:14:19,743 --> 00:14:22,207 and I kinda wish Jean-Ralphio wasn't here. 390 00:14:22,332 --> 00:14:24,976 Please tell me that you're dumping my sister, 391 00:14:25,046 --> 00:14:28,052 because I will laugh... I will laugh so much. 392 00:14:28,177 --> 00:14:30,370 Actually, it may be the opposite. 393 00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:33,304 - Is this yours? - No, no. 394 00:14:35,658 --> 00:14:39,379 Yeah. It's mine. 395 00:14:39,450 --> 00:14:42,019 - I'm pregnant. - Lemony snicket. 396 00:14:42,144 --> 00:14:44,161 Oh, my God, are you serious? 397 00:14:44,232 --> 00:14:45,468 I'm gonna be an uncle? Is that a real thing? 398 00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:46,633 Is that gonna happen? 399 00:14:46,758 --> 00:14:48,667 No, no, that's too much... too much responsibility for me. 400 00:14:48,792 --> 00:14:50,672 I gotta... I gotta find another way out of this. 401 00:14:50,797 --> 00:14:52,424 Well, I wish you told me. 402 00:14:52,549 --> 00:14:54,402 I mean, obviously, we need to talk about our future. 403 00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:55,678 Maybe I could sell the business, 404 00:14:55,803 --> 00:14:56,730 and we could use the profits 405 00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:58,379 to put a down payment on a house or something, or... 406 00:14:58,505 --> 00:15:00,356 - Psych! - What? 407 00:15:01,851 --> 00:15:05,789 Ah, ha, ha. Look at your stupid face. 408 00:15:05,914 --> 00:15:08,448 - You had a dumdum face. - That was hilarious. 409 00:15:15,204 --> 00:15:17,235 So you're not pregnant? This isn't yours? 410 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:18,372 , no. 411 00:15:18,498 --> 00:15:21,841 Do you know how many different pills I take, 412 00:15:21,967 --> 00:15:24,082 birth control or otherwise? 413 00:15:24,207 --> 00:15:27,138 There is no way that I could be pregnant with a human baby. 414 00:15:27,264 --> 00:15:29,107 Thank God. Yes! 415 00:15:29,232 --> 00:15:31,126 Tommy has his life back! Let's go! 416 00:15:31,251 --> 00:15:32,178 What the hell is wrong with you, man? 417 00:15:32,303 --> 00:15:33,351 That's my sister. 418 00:15:33,956 --> 00:15:35,504 Nah! I'm just kidding, man. 419 00:15:35,629 --> 00:15:38,618 She's the worst. You dodged a bullet, baby. 420 00:15:38,743 --> 00:15:39,870 - Congratulations. - Thanks. 421 00:15:39,894 --> 00:15:41,162 Bad, bad, bad, bad. 422 00:15:41,287 --> 00:15:43,735 Well, Macklin, it's not Mona-Lisa. 423 00:15:43,823 --> 00:15:45,523 It's not me, it's not Donna, it's not Leslie. 424 00:15:45,649 --> 00:15:47,485 There was only one other woman at that cabin. 425 00:15:47,610 --> 00:15:49,234 April? No, she would've told me. 426 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:50,881 Besides, the math doesn't add up 427 00:15:51,006 --> 00:15:53,227 because we only have sex every single day. 428 00:15:53,352 --> 00:15:56,344 And since she's the only one that we haven't talked to, 429 00:15:56,469 --> 00:15:58,647 it has to be hers. 430 00:15:58,772 --> 00:16:00,183 Oh, my God. 431 00:16:04,681 --> 00:16:06,257 I don't like seeing you like this. 432 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:07,880 I've never felt this way before. 433 00:16:08,005 --> 00:16:09,091 Maybe I should just quit. 434 00:16:09,216 --> 00:16:10,854 Maybe we should both quit, 435 00:16:10,979 --> 00:16:12,357 and we should move to the Bahamas, 436 00:16:12,444 --> 00:16:15,814 live on a beach, catch fish with homemade spears. 437 00:16:15,939 --> 00:16:18,160 Yeah, you'd last about 30 seconds with that work. 438 00:16:18,285 --> 00:16:19,549 When we went to Hawaii, 439 00:16:19,674 --> 00:16:21,426 you woke me up at 3:00 A.M. to watch Meet the Press. 440 00:16:21,551 --> 00:16:23,246 Well, it was Elizabeth Warren. 441 00:16:23,371 --> 00:16:25,486 Like, I'm not going to watch that live? 442 00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:27,155 Look, you can hate your job sometimes. 443 00:16:27,218 --> 00:16:28,927 It's allowed. But let me ask you this: 444 00:16:29,052 --> 00:16:30,638 Do you think this town is better off 445 00:16:30,764 --> 00:16:32,529 - than it was a year ago? - Yes. 446 00:16:32,654 --> 00:16:34,489 Do you stand behind everything you've done? 447 00:16:34,612 --> 00:16:36,600 - Yes. - Then screw 'em. 448 00:16:37,503 --> 00:16:39,748 But even if I wanted to fight this recall, 449 00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:41,056 how would I do it? 450 00:16:42,378 --> 00:16:44,058 Thank you all for coming. 451 00:16:44,172 --> 00:16:45,979 As most of you probably know, 452 00:16:46,050 --> 00:16:48,554 there is a large committee that has announced plans 453 00:16:48,625 --> 00:16:50,084 to recall me from office. 454 00:16:50,155 --> 00:16:53,146 My response to them is this: 455 00:16:53,216 --> 00:16:54,820 Bring it on. 456 00:16:54,945 --> 00:16:57,563 Step up. Step Up 2: The Streets. 457 00:16:57,635 --> 00:16:59,411 I'm sorry, my adrenaline is pumping, 458 00:16:59,536 --> 00:17:01,459 so all I can think of is dance movie titles. 459 00:17:01,584 --> 00:17:03,364 Stomp the Yard. There's one. 460 00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:05,394 Look, I work very hard for this town, 461 00:17:05,519 --> 00:17:06,560 as hard as I can, 462 00:17:06,685 --> 00:17:08,508 and all that matters to me is whether or not 463 00:17:08,633 --> 00:17:11,031 everyone here thinks that they are better off now 464 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,039 than they were a year ago. 465 00:17:13,164 --> 00:17:14,131 I think you are. 466 00:17:14,256 --> 00:17:16,492 If you disagree with me, then go ahead and recall me. 467 00:17:16,617 --> 00:17:18,777 Go crazy. You Got Served. 468 00:17:19,114 --> 00:17:21,125 Silver Linings Playbook, kind of. 469 00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:22,910 The committee says they plan to push 470 00:17:23,014 --> 00:17:24,339 for a recall vote within two months. 471 00:17:24,464 --> 00:17:25,850 - Do you have a comment on that? - Nope. 472 00:17:25,975 --> 00:17:29,115 Again, all I really care about is are you better off? 473 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:30,949 I think I'm better off. 474 00:17:31,074 --> 00:17:32,428 I haven't had a date in a while, 475 00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:34,248 but I'm learning a lot about me. 476 00:17:34,373 --> 00:17:35,958 Well, I wasn't asking you specifically, 477 00:17:35,975 --> 00:17:37,157 but I'm happy to hear that, Shauna. 478 00:17:37,282 --> 00:17:40,390 So, in conclusion, recall, shmecall. 479 00:17:40,516 --> 00:17:44,035 No, I can't end my big press conference 480 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:45,329 by saying "Recall, shmecall." 481 00:17:45,376 --> 00:17:47,378 That's ridiculous. Ben, can you help me out here? 482 00:17:47,397 --> 00:17:49,651 That concludes councilwoman Knope's press conference. 483 00:17:49,761 --> 00:17:51,585 And if you have any further questions... 484 00:17:51,710 --> 00:17:54,286 hold on to them, 485 00:17:54,411 --> 00:17:56,048 because she has a lot of work to do. 486 00:17:56,173 --> 00:17:57,413 Thanks, honey. Honey. 487 00:17:57,538 --> 00:18:00,144 That's another dance movie with Jessica alba. 488 00:18:01,153 --> 00:18:02,375 Alright, people. 489 00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:04,356 The Pawnee river's not gonna clean itself. 490 00:18:04,481 --> 00:18:06,742 Volunteer weekend task force, mobilize. 491 00:18:06,813 --> 00:18:08,690 Oh, Leslie, this goes without saying, 492 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,160 but if you need any speeches or testimonials 493 00:18:11,230 --> 00:18:13,594 or just general enthusiasm for your recall fight, 494 00:18:13,665 --> 00:18:14,812 I'm your man. 495 00:18:14,882 --> 00:18:16,135 - Thank you, Chris. - You're welcome. 496 00:18:16,205 --> 00:18:17,908 I'll see you at the river. Oh, oh, oh! 497 00:18:17,979 --> 00:18:20,403 Last one to pick up 100 rusty cans 498 00:18:20,694 --> 00:18:22,850 has still accomplished a great deal. 499 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,298 Hey, maybe after, you wanna come 500 00:18:24,347 --> 00:18:25,598 meet me and Chris for a drink? 501 00:18:25,635 --> 00:18:27,720 Sure. Hey, how's it going with you guys? 502 00:18:27,790 --> 00:18:31,025 We're great, actually, and we're having a good time. 503 00:18:31,095 --> 00:18:32,625 - Sex is ridiculous. - Mm-hmm. 504 00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:34,887 Hopefully, that ridiculous sex will lead to a baby. 505 00:18:34,958 --> 00:18:35,973 I'm so happy for you. 506 00:18:36,075 --> 00:18:37,292 Just remember to use protection. 507 00:18:37,364 --> 00:18:39,345 Wait, no, don't. That would defeat the purpose. 508 00:18:39,416 --> 00:18:41,363 Okay, no. Do your thing. 509 00:18:43,654 --> 00:18:45,572 Yeah! 510 00:18:45,642 --> 00:18:48,962 - My wife is pregnant! - Okay, put me down. 511 00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:50,164 Hey, you can't keep it from me. 512 00:18:50,235 --> 00:18:51,208 I found the pregnancy test, honey. 513 00:18:51,279 --> 00:18:52,530 Honey, I'm not pregnant, okay? 514 00:18:52,531 --> 00:18:54,159 And if I were, you shouldn't lift me up. 515 00:18:54,257 --> 00:18:55,910 Wait, are you sure you're not? 516 00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,757 Yeah. We've talked about this. 517 00:18:57,883 --> 00:18:58,640 Remember? 518 00:18:58,765 --> 00:18:59,944 I wanna wait until we're 50 519 00:19:00,069 --> 00:19:02,688 and then adopt a set of creepy adult twins from Romania. 520 00:19:02,813 --> 00:19:03,953 Oh, yeah. Of course. 521 00:19:04,078 --> 00:19:06,039 Actually, there is something I need to tell you. 522 00:19:06,063 --> 00:19:07,757 You're pregnant. 523 00:19:07,882 --> 00:19:09,165 - No. - No! 524 00:19:09,290 --> 00:19:10,972 We just ruled that out. 525 00:19:11,097 --> 00:19:13,024 - Ah, dang it. - Okay, a while ago, 526 00:19:13,149 --> 00:19:14,744 I applied to veterinary school in Bloomington, 527 00:19:14,869 --> 00:19:18,562 and I just found out that... I got in. 528 00:19:18,687 --> 00:19:21,000 You did? That's amazing! 529 00:19:21,126 --> 00:19:22,692 Wait, why did you wait to tell me? 530 00:19:22,817 --> 00:19:25,308 Because I don't even know if I wanna go, okay? 531 00:19:25,433 --> 00:19:27,761 I mean, yes, it's been my dream to work with animals 532 00:19:27,886 --> 00:19:30,008 since I was a kid and everything. 533 00:19:30,249 --> 00:19:31,230 But it would mean I would be spending 534 00:19:31,356 --> 00:19:33,137 a lot of time apart from you, and... 535 00:19:33,262 --> 00:19:34,764 Oh, we could get through that. 536 00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:36,527 I mean, look. It would suck for a while, 537 00:19:36,569 --> 00:19:38,446 and I would miss you while you're gone. 538 00:19:39,469 --> 00:19:41,560 But as I've known about you 539 00:19:41,685 --> 00:19:43,721 for the past 20 seconds, 540 00:19:43,846 --> 00:19:45,837 this is your dream. 541 00:19:46,892 --> 00:19:48,551 I'm really glad I married you. 542 00:19:48,676 --> 00:19:50,385 Yeah, we made a good call on that one. 543 00:19:51,679 --> 00:19:53,230 So I just wanted to let you know 544 00:19:53,355 --> 00:19:55,293 I will not be selling Rent-A-Swag. 545 00:19:55,418 --> 00:19:56,928 And you can go tell your client 546 00:19:57,053 --> 00:19:59,808 he now has 100 problems? 547 00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:01,611 - Is it Jay-Z? - No. 548 00:20:01,736 --> 00:20:02,862 But since you're not taking the deal, 549 00:20:02,987 --> 00:20:04,141 I should inform you that my client 550 00:20:04,267 --> 00:20:06,805 will be moving on to plan B: Opening his own store 551 00:20:06,930 --> 00:20:08,263 directly across the street from yours. 552 00:20:08,388 --> 00:20:09,301 Across the street? 553 00:20:09,426 --> 00:20:10,467 What kind of store is it gonna be? 554 00:20:10,592 --> 00:20:12,011 He's calling it "Tommy's Closet." 555 00:20:12,071 --> 00:20:14,320 It's a high-end secondhand clothing store 556 00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:15,458 where parents can rent clothes 557 00:20:15,583 --> 00:20:17,078 for their teens, tweens, and pres, 558 00:20:17,204 --> 00:20:20,380 as well as babies, toddlers, grown-ups, and olds. 559 00:20:20,505 --> 00:20:22,172 But that's my idea and my name. 560 00:20:22,297 --> 00:20:24,700 So I guess only Domino's is allowed to sell pizza now? 561 00:20:24,825 --> 00:20:26,776 It's called capitalism, Mr. Haverford, 562 00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:28,829 and you are about to get a free lesson. 563 00:20:28,954 --> 00:20:32,320 Only this free lesson is going to cost you. 564 00:20:32,774 --> 00:20:34,871 So it's not free? 565 00:20:36,223 --> 00:20:38,113 You're right. That was confusing. 566 00:20:38,809 --> 00:20:40,888 This lesson will cost you. Good day. 567 00:20:41,013 --> 00:20:43,617 This sucks, but I have to admit: 568 00:20:43,930 --> 00:20:45,392 It's a pretty baller move. 569 00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:47,862 You sure this isn't Diddy? 570 00:20:50,564 --> 00:20:52,731 - It is Diddy. - I knew it! 571 00:20:52,856 --> 00:20:53,840 It's not Diddy. 572 00:20:55,980 --> 00:20:58,313 Are you sure everything will be all right 573 00:20:58,438 --> 00:20:59,607 if April goes to vet school? 574 00:20:59,724 --> 00:21:02,087 There are no sure things in life, son, 575 00:21:02,212 --> 00:21:04,613 but you two seem pretty solid to me. 576 00:21:04,739 --> 00:21:07,613 - Change is good, I guess. - Not to me. 577 00:21:07,738 --> 00:21:09,841 Leslie's going around asking everybody 578 00:21:09,966 --> 00:21:12,030 if they're better off than they were a year ago. 579 00:21:12,155 --> 00:21:14,641 All I care about is that I'm the same. 580 00:21:14,766 --> 00:21:17,718 If I'm the same as I was a year ago, I'm happy. 581 00:21:17,843 --> 00:21:18,955 Wait, I forgot. 582 00:21:19,268 --> 00:21:21,252 - Who the hell is pregnant? - What? 583 00:21:21,377 --> 00:21:23,046 I found a pregnancy test at your cabin, 584 00:21:23,055 --> 00:21:24,523 and I checked with all the girls over there. 585 00:21:24,648 --> 00:21:27,004 It wasn't any of them. 586 00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:29,620 Hello, darling. What a surprise. 587 00:21:29,745 --> 00:21:31,829 Hey. Can we talk? 588 00:21:31,954 --> 00:21:33,884 Maybe in private? 589 00:21:36,946 --> 00:21:43,807 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com