1 00:00:08,094 --> 00:00:09,549 Okay, Pawnee Parks Department. 2 00:00:09,598 --> 00:00:11,548 Soon, you will be paired up with a person 3 00:00:11,566 --> 00:00:13,757 who was roughly your equivalent in Eagleton. 4 00:00:13,774 --> 00:00:15,661 Donna, you'll be with Craig. 5 00:00:15,694 --> 00:00:18,029 April, you'll be with someone named Tynnyfer. 6 00:00:18,078 --> 00:00:20,269 And Ron, your guy is also named Ron. 7 00:00:20,302 --> 00:00:22,429 Guess there's no Tom Haverford equivalent. 8 00:00:22,462 --> 00:00:24,301 Not surprised, I'm one of a kind, 9 00:00:24,350 --> 00:00:25,661 just like the custom Nikes I designed 10 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:28,269 that say "Tommy's Tootsies" across the toes. 11 00:00:28,318 --> 00:00:29,565 You do have a counterpart, actually. 12 00:00:29,598 --> 00:00:31,773 His name is Eric, and I've heard he's amazing. 13 00:00:31,806 --> 00:00:33,773 Anyway, I also have a little surprise. 14 00:00:33,822 --> 00:00:35,949 I would like to introduce our new filing temp. 15 00:00:35,998 --> 00:00:37,997 - Hey, everybody. - No! 16 00:00:38,046 --> 00:00:39,901 No, why? This can't be happening. 17 00:00:39,934 --> 00:00:41,229 Why, Leslie? 18 00:00:41,262 --> 00:00:43,069 We brought Jerry out of retirement 19 00:00:43,102 --> 00:00:44,957 because we have a mountain of filing to get through. 20 00:00:44,990 --> 00:00:47,213 - Welcome back, Jerry Gergic. - Thank you, Leslie. 21 00:00:47,246 --> 00:00:48,861 And as long as we're starting out fresh, 22 00:00:48,893 --> 00:00:50,157 Leslie, I was wondering if people 23 00:00:50,190 --> 00:00:51,581 would call me by my real name. 24 00:00:51,598 --> 00:00:53,485 - Larry? - No, it's not Larry. 25 00:00:53,518 --> 00:00:55,421 It's Jerry. No, it's Gary. 26 00:00:55,454 --> 00:00:57,421 Your name is Larry, Larry Gengurch. 27 00:00:57,454 --> 00:00:58,765 His name is Larry Gengurch. 28 00:00:58,798 --> 00:01:00,157 Come on, April, it's already hard enough 29 00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:02,685 for my family when you call me "Gary." 30 00:01:02,718 --> 00:01:04,413 - Jerry. - Ha, ha, classic Larry. 31 00:01:04,445 --> 00:01:06,589 Larry. 32 00:01:06,622 --> 00:01:08,461 - Larry, Larry, Larry. - Aw, jeez. 33 00:01:08,494 --> 00:01:11,005 Look, I'm trying to save as many jobs as possible, 34 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,861 but we're gonna have to lose some people. 35 00:01:12,894 --> 00:01:14,381 I'm not sure who we should keep. 36 00:01:14,414 --> 00:01:16,269 April, Tom and Donna are three of the best human beings 37 00:01:16,302 --> 00:01:17,597 that have ever lived. 38 00:01:17,630 --> 00:01:20,941 Ron is basically a better version of George Washington. 39 00:01:20,974 --> 00:01:25,469 But... the Eagletonians are probably good too. 40 00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:28,125 Today, we are not just merging two towns. 41 00:01:28,157 --> 00:01:30,413 We're throwing a birthday party for a new city. 42 00:01:30,462 --> 00:01:35,437 Happy birthday, New Pawnee. 43 00:01:35,485 --> 00:01:36,845 Party's over. 44 00:01:36,878 --> 00:01:39,741 You guys lost millions of taxpayer dollars, 45 00:01:39,773 --> 00:01:42,477 and we have to clean up the obscene mess you've made. 46 00:01:42,526 --> 00:01:44,445 You're not as nice as the other guy. 47 00:01:44,477 --> 00:01:46,333 I don't care. 48 00:01:46,366 --> 00:01:49,229 When we were state auditors, we had an amazing system. 49 00:01:49,278 --> 00:01:50,989 Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up 50 00:01:51,038 --> 00:01:52,653 and made them feel positive and happy. 51 00:01:52,686 --> 00:01:55,837 And I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons. 52 00:01:55,870 --> 00:01:57,517 Like a majestic alley-oop. 53 00:01:57,550 --> 00:01:59,757 You're all amazing! 54 00:01:59,806 --> 00:02:01,613 You're all fired. 55 00:02:01,646 --> 00:02:03,181 Teamwork. 56 00:02:03,214 --> 00:02:05,181 Hi, you've reached the voicemail 57 00:02:05,214 --> 00:02:08,285 of Larry Gengurch. 58 00:02:08,318 --> 00:02:10,813 Please leave your message after the tone. 59 00:02:10,846 --> 00:02:12,412 Well, when Leslie called to see if I could help, 60 00:02:12,430 --> 00:02:15,229 Gayle and I were just getting on a cruise ship 61 00:02:15,246 --> 00:02:16,733 to the Bahamas. 62 00:02:16,765 --> 00:02:18,493 I said, "Gayle, put that bikini away, 63 00:02:18,526 --> 00:02:20,477 because Pawnee needs me." 64 00:02:20,510 --> 00:02:24,557 Oh ho! Somebody forgot a banana in here... ooh! 65 00:02:24,606 --> 00:02:26,173 Hi, I'm Donna. 66 00:02:26,206 --> 00:02:27,533 Oh, that is the perfect name for you. 67 00:02:27,566 --> 00:02:29,181 I love it. Never change it! 68 00:02:29,214 --> 00:02:32,220 Wasn't gonna. You're Craig, right? 69 00:02:32,238 --> 00:02:34,445 Ugh, yes, but I hate that name. 70 00:02:34,478 --> 00:02:36,445 It's so boring. Sounds like someone's cousin. 71 00:02:36,462 --> 00:02:37,773 Craig! Craig! 72 00:02:37,822 --> 00:02:39,421 I want to be a Spanish man named Terrence, 73 00:02:39,453 --> 00:02:41,197 but that didn't happen. 74 00:02:41,246 --> 00:02:45,261 Okay. So here's my list of duties. 75 00:02:45,294 --> 00:02:47,389 I'm basically the office manager. 76 00:02:47,422 --> 00:02:49,677 - How about you? - Oh, I did everything. 77 00:02:49,709 --> 00:02:50,893 Everything! 78 00:02:50,925 --> 00:02:52,093 I carried the Eagleton department on my shoulders 79 00:02:52,126 --> 00:02:53,613 for years, and I loved every second of it. 80 00:02:53,662 --> 00:02:56,381 You don't even know! 81 00:02:56,398 --> 00:02:57,740 I'm sorry, was your name Jennifer? 82 00:02:57,758 --> 00:03:00,365 No, it's Tynnyffer with two y's. 83 00:03:00,414 --> 00:03:02,221 I used to be Jennifer, but then I decided 84 00:03:02,270 --> 00:03:04,716 to rebrand myself. 85 00:03:04,765 --> 00:03:06,893 Oh, wait, hang on. It's Xanax o'clock. 86 00:03:10,654 --> 00:03:13,885 Um, well, nice to meet you. 87 00:03:13,918 --> 00:03:15,197 My name's April, 88 00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:18,589 and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute 89 00:03:18,622 --> 00:03:19,661 it's bonks. 90 00:03:19,710 --> 00:03:21,309 I saw my spinning instructor wearing it, 91 00:03:21,341 --> 00:03:23,437 and I was like, "Shut up. Where do I get that?" 92 00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,157 Oh, my God. Who's your spinning instructor? 93 00:03:25,166 --> 00:03:26,573 Gregory or Wynona? 94 00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:28,893 I go to Yonis. Who are Gregory and Wynona? 95 00:03:28,926 --> 00:03:29,820 I've never heard of them before. 96 00:03:29,838 --> 00:03:32,669 - Are they better? - Wynona rocks my world. 97 00:03:32,686 --> 00:03:34,253 Seriously, you need to get me in there. 98 00:03:34,286 --> 00:03:36,653 Like, that's a must, must, must. 99 00:03:36,686 --> 00:03:38,941 She's the worst person I've ever met. 100 00:03:38,973 --> 00:03:41,037 I want to travel the world with her. 101 00:03:41,070 --> 00:03:43,341 Ron. 102 00:03:43,373 --> 00:03:45,996 Ron. 103 00:03:46,030 --> 00:03:47,292 Last name? 104 00:03:47,309 --> 00:03:48,828 Dunne. 105 00:03:48,861 --> 00:03:50,525 Is that your name, 106 00:03:50,558 --> 00:03:52,604 or are you telling me you're finished talking? 107 00:03:52,621 --> 00:03:55,341 Both. 108 00:03:55,390 --> 00:03:56,829 Dunne and done. 109 00:03:59,294 --> 00:04:03,324 I like Ron. 110 00:04:03,342 --> 00:04:05,309 - Hi. - Well, well, well. 111 00:04:05,342 --> 00:04:06,397 You must be Eric. 112 00:04:06,430 --> 00:04:09,596 I'm Ragiv from I.T. This is E.R.I.C. 113 00:04:09,629 --> 00:04:11,453 E.R.I.C. is a computer program? 114 00:04:11,486 --> 00:04:14,045 Stands for Eagleton Reservation Information Center. 115 00:04:14,062 --> 00:04:15,741 It does all the scheduling in Eagleton. 116 00:04:15,774 --> 00:04:17,101 I'm here to install it. 117 00:04:17,150 --> 00:04:19,261 But scheduling's the main part of my job. 118 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,333 You still have a human being 119 00:04:20,366 --> 00:04:21,756 in charge of booking tennis courts? 120 00:04:21,773 --> 00:04:23,932 What is this, 1990? 121 00:04:23,949 --> 00:04:25,469 I guess that explains the shoulder pads. 122 00:04:30,749 --> 00:04:32,541 How did he notice these? 123 00:04:32,574 --> 00:04:35,212 Hey, this is a surprise. 124 00:04:35,261 --> 00:04:37,469 Yeah, I just wanted to chat for a sec. 125 00:04:37,502 --> 00:04:39,837 You know, just so you could hear some things from me. 126 00:04:39,870 --> 00:04:41,628 Verbal things from my mouth. 127 00:04:41,661 --> 00:04:42,925 Did that sound weird? 128 00:04:42,958 --> 00:04:45,133 - Is everything okay? - Yeah, everything's fine. 129 00:04:45,165 --> 00:04:46,380 First of all, this is Evelyn. 130 00:04:46,414 --> 00:04:47,933 Oh, hello. 131 00:04:47,966 --> 00:04:50,349 She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton. 132 00:04:50,382 --> 00:04:52,140 There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. 133 00:04:52,174 --> 00:04:53,885 Eagletonians are very healthy. 134 00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:55,164 Oh, well, this might be 135 00:04:55,197 --> 00:04:56,764 a very interesting challenge for you, 136 00:04:56,782 --> 00:04:58,061 because Pawnee has the very first documented case 137 00:04:58,094 --> 00:04:59,741 of mega-diabetes. 138 00:04:59,773 --> 00:05:01,820 And the only know occurrence 139 00:05:01,837 --> 00:05:03,756 of Lou Gehrig's other disease. 140 00:05:03,790 --> 00:05:05,501 We've been written about in textbooks. 141 00:05:05,518 --> 00:05:07,165 Thanks, Evelyn, I'll see you back in my office. 142 00:05:07,197 --> 00:05:10,365 I just need to talk some more words into Leslie's face. 143 00:05:10,398 --> 00:05:12,733 Nice to meet you. Ahem. 144 00:05:12,766 --> 00:05:14,141 Wow. I feel sorry for her. 145 00:05:14,173 --> 00:05:16,061 I mean, nobody can fill your shoes, Ann. 146 00:05:16,093 --> 00:05:17,661 With your tiny little doll feet. 147 00:05:17,693 --> 00:05:19,628 Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. 148 00:05:19,677 --> 00:05:22,556 I, uh, I'm gonna step down, 149 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:24,828 and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn. 150 00:05:24,861 --> 00:05:25,869 What? No. 151 00:05:25,918 --> 00:05:27,308 Did somebody put you up to this? 152 00:05:27,357 --> 00:05:29,660 Was it Evelyn? I knew she was a monster. 153 00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:30,717 No. No, no, no. 154 00:05:30,749 --> 00:05:32,349 Chris and I have been talking, 155 00:05:32,382 --> 00:05:34,636 and we are thinking very seriously 156 00:05:34,670 --> 00:05:36,237 about leaving Pawnee 157 00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:39,228 and moving somewhere else to start our family... 158 00:05:39,261 --> 00:05:41,756 Oh, my God, look at that. It's waffles! 159 00:05:41,790 --> 00:05:44,076 - Delicious waffles. - Wait. 160 00:05:44,110 --> 00:05:45,917 Should we try? Yeah, let's try. 161 00:05:45,949 --> 00:05:47,149 - Huh? - Mmm. 162 00:05:47,198 --> 00:05:48,637 - Wait, what were you saying? - Try. 163 00:05:48,670 --> 00:05:52,429 Just enjoy. Yeah. There we go. 164 00:05:54,318 --> 00:05:55,696 So, if I'm hearing you correctly, 165 00:05:55,849 --> 00:05:57,759 you're telling me you're not thinking about leaving Pawnee. 166 00:05:57,874 --> 00:05:59,450 I am thinking about leaving. 167 00:05:59,565 --> 00:06:01,884 Is this one of those classic Ann "not" jokes? 168 00:06:01,933 --> 00:06:03,579 Like, "I'm leaving Pawnee... not!" 169 00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:04,398 I don't do that. 170 00:06:04,513 --> 00:06:05,729 I was hoping that you had started. 171 00:06:05,841 --> 00:06:06,816 It's not definite. 172 00:06:06,849 --> 00:06:08,256 It's just neither of us are from Pawnee. 173 00:06:08,288 --> 00:06:11,244 And I have a whole family in Michigan. 174 00:06:11,359 --> 00:06:13,775 And Chris is missing life in a bigger city. 175 00:06:13,808 --> 00:06:15,550 And I just wanted... 176 00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:17,578 to talk to you about it so you could hear it from me. 177 00:06:19,568 --> 00:06:21,152 - Do you hear that galloping? - Hmm? 178 00:06:21,267 --> 00:06:24,180 Wha... oh, my... look at that! 179 00:06:24,295 --> 00:06:27,167 Joe Biden on a horse shirtless. 180 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,358 That's amazing! 181 00:06:29,392 --> 00:06:31,230 Uh, I've got a ton of work to do. 182 00:06:31,264 --> 00:06:33,071 I'm super busy, so you... 183 00:06:33,103 --> 00:06:35,998 can let yourself... 184 00:06:36,015 --> 00:06:38,783 Look, if Ann wants to leave Pawnee, I get it. 185 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,110 I mean, who wants to stay 186 00:06:40,159 --> 00:06:41,919 in the greatest town in the world 187 00:06:41,952 --> 00:06:43,567 with her best friend and be happy forever 188 00:06:43,599 --> 00:06:46,430 when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe 189 00:06:46,464 --> 00:06:48,750 and move to a garbage city full of jerks. 190 00:06:48,784 --> 00:06:51,886 I get it. No hard feelings. 191 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:53,983 - You have to text me. - I will. 192 00:06:54,015 --> 00:06:55,214 Sorry for the delay, ladies, 193 00:06:55,264 --> 00:06:57,023 I was busy being ambushed by treachery. 194 00:06:57,055 --> 00:06:58,879 So did you have a chance to compare notes 195 00:06:58,911 --> 00:07:00,238 on your respective duties? 196 00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:01,327 Totally. 197 00:07:01,376 --> 00:07:03,118 Tynny and I have been, like, totally bonding. 198 00:07:03,151 --> 00:07:05,182 We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! 199 00:07:05,215 --> 00:07:06,527 Like, talking, like, so much forever. 200 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,878 - It was all so delicious. - I know, right? 201 00:07:08,927 --> 00:07:10,047 This is, like, the best day ever. 202 00:07:10,079 --> 00:07:11,823 I know, I'm eating it all up. 203 00:07:11,855 --> 00:07:13,310 Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming 204 00:07:13,343 --> 00:07:17,183 instead of wiling away like a dying turd flower. 205 00:07:17,215 --> 00:07:19,166 Totes. Um, we also came up 206 00:07:19,183 --> 00:07:20,782 with these nicknames for each other. 207 00:07:20,831 --> 00:07:23,855 Slut and Skank. 208 00:07:23,887 --> 00:07:25,455 How craze-mazing is that, Lez? 209 00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:27,903 Well, you know what I think is craze-mazing? Commitment. 210 00:07:27,936 --> 00:07:30,527 I'm looking for someone who's in it for the long haul. 211 00:07:30,559 --> 00:07:32,847 We are basically creating a new version of Pawnee, 212 00:07:32,879 --> 00:07:34,782 and if Pawnee is gonna commit to one of you, 213 00:07:34,816 --> 00:07:36,126 you need to commit to Pawnee. 214 00:07:36,143 --> 00:07:37,070 Tynnyfer, do you have kids? 215 00:07:37,103 --> 00:07:38,159 Ew, no. 216 00:07:38,192 --> 00:07:39,486 I've had so much rejuvenation 217 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:40,927 that I don't think a baby could get out of there 218 00:07:40,959 --> 00:07:42,174 if it tried. 219 00:07:42,207 --> 00:07:43,742 You know it. 220 00:07:43,775 --> 00:07:45,983 I guess we can make a switch to Bermuda grass. 221 00:07:46,015 --> 00:07:47,839 It's only 80 cents more per square foot? 222 00:07:47,871 --> 00:07:50,206 What? Gimme gimme gimme. 223 00:07:50,239 --> 00:07:52,990 You want me to put Bermuda grass in a continental climate 224 00:07:53,023 --> 00:07:54,750 that's a six on beaufort scale? 225 00:07:54,784 --> 00:07:56,287 In a park with zero drainage? 226 00:07:56,319 --> 00:07:58,655 I want Kentucky bluegrass, I want a 10 percent discount, 227 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,847 and I want you to apologize to my best friend Donna! 228 00:08:03,664 --> 00:08:05,054 Yeah, hi. 229 00:08:05,072 --> 00:08:06,750 Is there... and I'm just guessing here... 230 00:08:06,767 --> 00:08:08,990 some kind of medication that you maybe 231 00:08:09,007 --> 00:08:10,814 need a lot of and have taken none of 232 00:08:10,847 --> 00:08:12,014 or maybe too much of today? 233 00:08:12,064 --> 00:08:13,950 Oh, I have a medical condition all right. 234 00:08:13,984 --> 00:08:15,806 It's called caring too much! 235 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:18,078 And it's incurable! 236 00:08:18,095 --> 00:08:21,614 Also I have eczema. 237 00:08:21,664 --> 00:08:25,358 Okay, Eagleton Ron, tell me a little about yourself. 238 00:08:25,392 --> 00:08:27,854 Well, I love the outdoors, love nature. 239 00:08:27,887 --> 00:08:29,327 Amen. 240 00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:31,214 I'm a big believer in environmental conservation. 241 00:08:31,264 --> 00:08:33,614 Recycling and composting and the like. 242 00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:37,023 I'm a yoga nut. And I'm a nut nut. 243 00:08:38,255 --> 00:08:39,662 They make delicious milks, man. 244 00:08:39,696 --> 00:08:41,263 And I'm a vegan, of course. 245 00:08:41,295 --> 00:08:43,598 Slowly working toward full freegan-vegan. 246 00:08:43,632 --> 00:08:45,934 What in God's name is freegan-vegan? 247 00:08:45,968 --> 00:08:47,375 You only eat vegetables 248 00:08:47,424 --> 00:08:48,814 that have been thrown out in people's dumpsters. 249 00:08:48,863 --> 00:08:51,455 What is on your foot, sir? 250 00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:53,279 My trusty sandals. 251 00:08:53,311 --> 00:08:56,126 I believe a man's feet should remain uncaged. 252 00:08:56,159 --> 00:08:57,983 Same goes for all chickens. 253 00:08:58,015 --> 00:08:59,870 Well, Eagleton Ron, 254 00:08:59,904 --> 00:09:03,502 we here in Pawnee value loyalty above all else. 255 00:09:03,536 --> 00:09:05,615 So would you be opposed to signing 256 00:09:05,647 --> 00:09:08,110 an official loyalty pledge to our new town? 257 00:09:08,144 --> 00:09:10,782 As long as that new town were open to the ideals 258 00:09:10,815 --> 00:09:13,278 of communal living, everyone pitches in 259 00:09:13,311 --> 00:09:14,846 towards a common good. 260 00:09:14,879 --> 00:09:16,623 In the immortal words of Cat Stevens, 261 00:09:16,655 --> 00:09:19,998 "If you want to be free, be free." 262 00:09:20,031 --> 00:09:22,847 I no longer like Ron. 263 00:09:22,879 --> 00:09:24,334 E.R.I.C. is an amazing program. 264 00:09:24,368 --> 00:09:26,431 Fast, fun and easy to use. 265 00:09:26,463 --> 00:09:28,959 But there's one thing no man or machine 266 00:09:28,991 --> 00:09:30,750 can beat Tom Haverford at... 267 00:09:30,767 --> 00:09:33,326 talking mad trash till I get what I want. 268 00:09:33,375 --> 00:09:35,662 This guy Eric is a disaster. 269 00:09:35,695 --> 00:09:37,582 - What do you mean? - Just a bad attitude. 270 00:09:37,615 --> 00:09:39,070 "Oh, I hate this place. Get me out here." 271 00:09:39,102 --> 00:09:41,439 That kind of thing. And unreliable. 272 00:09:41,471 --> 00:09:43,055 And racist. 273 00:09:43,087 --> 00:09:44,254 I think he may have even been to jail. 274 00:09:44,287 --> 00:09:45,662 Although, you know, 275 00:09:45,695 --> 00:09:47,182 maybe those are just regular face tattoos. 276 00:09:47,231 --> 00:09:49,679 Wow. That's not good. 277 00:09:49,711 --> 00:09:50,735 I should probably talk to him. 278 00:09:50,767 --> 00:09:52,414 Well, let me see if can turn him around. 279 00:09:52,448 --> 00:09:53,534 I don't want to put this on your plate. 280 00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:54,686 You have a lot to deal with. 281 00:09:54,703 --> 00:09:57,310 Thanks, Tom. You're the best. 282 00:09:58,991 --> 00:10:00,750 Okay, let's take a look at this list of assets 283 00:10:00,784 --> 00:10:02,255 owned by the Eagleton government. 284 00:10:02,287 --> 00:10:04,750 400 Segway scooters. 285 00:10:04,784 --> 00:10:05,982 Sell 'em. They're gone. 286 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,111 You had six full-time baristas on the payroll. 287 00:10:08,143 --> 00:10:09,727 The baristas are gone. 288 00:10:09,759 --> 00:10:11,934 As are the masseurs. 289 00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:13,710 And the full-time barista 290 00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,982 who provided coffee for the masseurs. 291 00:10:16,031 --> 00:10:17,246 It is excellent 292 00:10:17,279 --> 00:10:18,846 having the old band back together again. 293 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,254 You know what? 294 00:10:20,288 --> 00:10:23,262 This calls for some celebratory lunges. 295 00:10:23,295 --> 00:10:24,943 One... 296 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,174 two... 297 00:10:26,191 --> 00:10:27,359 All right, Donna. 298 00:10:27,391 --> 00:10:28,687 There's gonna have to be some cutbacks. 299 00:10:28,719 --> 00:10:30,078 I mean, your job is secure, of course. 300 00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:31,838 You're basically the glue of this department. 301 00:10:31,855 --> 00:10:34,062 But I think Craig's gonna have to go. 302 00:10:34,095 --> 00:10:35,710 No, you should keep him. 303 00:10:35,743 --> 00:10:37,838 He's crazy intense, but I've never met anyone 304 00:10:37,872 --> 00:10:39,422 who cares more about this job. 305 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,438 Uh, Donna, I'm right here. 306 00:10:41,471 --> 00:10:43,279 No joke. He might care more than you. 307 00:10:43,311 --> 00:10:44,830 Honestly, if I had to choose between him and me, 308 00:10:44,863 --> 00:10:46,719 - I'd choose him. - Wait, what are you saying? 309 00:10:46,751 --> 00:10:47,902 Are you thinking about leaving? 310 00:10:47,903 --> 00:10:49,181 I wasn't planning on it, but I could. 311 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,686 You know, I got the condo in Seattle, 312 00:10:50,719 --> 00:10:51,934 the fiance in Denver. 313 00:10:51,967 --> 00:10:54,095 - Huh? - It won't last. 314 00:10:54,144 --> 00:10:55,870 Leslie, I would be happy to go back into retirement 315 00:10:55,903 --> 00:10:57,071 if you have to cut the staff. 316 00:10:57,103 --> 00:10:58,991 What? Even Larry wants out? 317 00:10:59,039 --> 00:11:00,229 What the hell is happening here? 318 00:11:00,239 --> 00:11:01,502 Does everybody think that running a town 319 00:11:01,535 --> 00:11:02,750 is just some game 320 00:11:02,767 --> 00:11:04,959 where people can come and go as they please? 321 00:11:04,991 --> 00:11:07,054 Okey-dokey, Leslie. You're mad at me. 322 00:11:07,088 --> 00:11:08,446 Don't take it out on everybody else. 323 00:11:08,463 --> 00:11:10,222 - It's not fair. - I'll tell you what's not fair. 324 00:11:10,255 --> 00:11:12,094 I'm gonna have to watch the Oscars with Ben 325 00:11:12,127 --> 00:11:13,343 alone this year. 326 00:11:13,375 --> 00:11:15,150 Last year, don't you remember 327 00:11:15,183 --> 00:11:17,070 Angelina Jolie and the leg dress moment? 328 00:11:17,119 --> 00:11:20,527 He had, and I quote, "no comment." 329 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:21,535 How can you not have an extreme reaction 330 00:11:21,567 --> 00:11:22,654 about a dress like that? 331 00:11:22,686 --> 00:11:23,774 It just doesn't make any sense! 332 00:11:23,807 --> 00:11:25,662 - Okay, we need to talk. - I'm sorry, Ann. 333 00:11:25,695 --> 00:11:26,702 I can't understand you. 334 00:11:26,751 --> 00:11:27,788 You've developed some accent 335 00:11:27,791 --> 00:11:29,710 from that new town you might move to! 336 00:11:29,743 --> 00:11:31,839 It seems like no one around here 337 00:11:31,871 --> 00:11:33,598 understands the meaning of loyalty. 338 00:11:33,631 --> 00:11:35,710 I am the merger czar. I make the rules. 339 00:11:35,728 --> 00:11:37,166 And I'm gonna teach people the meaning of loyalty 340 00:11:37,215 --> 00:11:38,607 in a language they will understand... 341 00:11:38,655 --> 00:11:40,814 complicated legalese. 342 00:11:40,847 --> 00:11:42,974 Knope, what are these contracts? 343 00:11:43,007 --> 00:11:44,894 It's just a little something that I drew up 344 00:11:44,927 --> 00:11:46,382 for all the employees of the new town. 345 00:11:46,415 --> 00:11:48,014 Basic boilerplate language, 346 00:11:48,064 --> 00:11:49,445 50-year commitment, blah, blah, blah. 347 00:11:49,455 --> 00:11:51,326 I'm so sorry, honey, but Tynny and I 348 00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,934 won't sign anything until we speak with our life coach. 349 00:11:53,983 --> 00:11:54,974 When Eric saw this, 350 00:11:55,007 --> 00:11:56,703 he smashed a bunch of computers. 351 00:11:56,735 --> 00:11:58,975 - Why are you doing this? - What's the big deal? 352 00:11:59,007 --> 00:12:00,462 I'm just trying to stop time 353 00:12:00,495 --> 00:12:02,303 with legally-binding friendship contracts. 354 00:12:02,335 --> 00:12:03,934 What part of that do you not understand? 355 00:12:03,966 --> 00:12:06,622 You have lost your mind. 356 00:12:06,656 --> 00:12:08,648 I think you need a spa day, Les. 357 00:12:08,763 --> 00:12:10,495 Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead! 358 00:12:10,527 --> 00:12:11,844 Is that better? 359 00:12:14,874 --> 00:12:18,042 What in the name of all that is holy is that smell? 360 00:12:18,418 --> 00:12:20,334 Yerba matte tea. 361 00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:22,048 Sweetened with stevia. 362 00:12:22,081 --> 00:12:24,160 It's an all-natural plant extract. 363 00:12:24,193 --> 00:12:26,000 Shut your damn mouth. 364 00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:26,932 No need to curse. 365 00:12:27,054 --> 00:12:28,334 There most certainly is. 366 00:12:28,351 --> 00:12:31,359 Okay, all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room. 367 00:12:31,407 --> 00:12:34,366 All Pawnee people, sit at your desks. 368 00:12:34,399 --> 00:12:35,662 And take it personally. 369 00:12:35,695 --> 00:12:38,750 I kind of feel like we got off on the wrong foot, 370 00:12:38,783 --> 00:12:41,518 so I made unity cookies 371 00:12:41,535 --> 00:12:42,894 with the Pawnee town's original colors 372 00:12:42,926 --> 00:12:44,062 of blue and yellow. 373 00:12:44,111 --> 00:12:45,534 However, I did not have yellow frosting, 374 00:12:45,567 --> 00:12:46,878 so I had to use mustard. 375 00:12:46,911 --> 00:12:47,806 But do not worry. 376 00:12:47,855 --> 00:12:49,054 I put tons of sugar on them, 377 00:12:49,103 --> 00:12:50,094 so it will even it out. 378 00:12:51,087 --> 00:12:53,758 Mmm! Sugar mustard. 379 00:12:53,791 --> 00:12:55,918 That's awful kind of you, Leslie, 380 00:12:55,951 --> 00:12:57,534 but I'm afraid those are a little too sweet for me. 381 00:12:57,567 --> 00:12:59,422 I unhooked from that big sugar train 382 00:12:59,471 --> 00:13:01,150 over 30 years ago. 383 00:13:01,199 --> 00:13:03,774 You are a man of principle and I respect that, cool Ron. 384 00:13:03,807 --> 00:13:05,646 So, what's your story, new Ann? 385 00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:06,670 You're kind of pretty. 386 00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:07,582 I mean, you're not "Ann" pretty, 387 00:13:07,631 --> 00:13:08,542 but you have potential. 388 00:13:08,591 --> 00:13:09,630 Thank you, 389 00:13:09,679 --> 00:13:10,814 but I-I don't work in this department. 390 00:13:10,847 --> 00:13:11,917 Shut your kind of pretty mouth 391 00:13:11,935 --> 00:13:13,326 and, uh, eat a mustard cookie. 392 00:13:13,343 --> 00:13:15,758 Okay, so let's chit-chat, huh? 393 00:13:15,791 --> 00:13:17,229 Let's get to know each other 394 00:13:17,247 --> 00:13:18,334 and then become familiar best friends. 395 00:13:18,367 --> 00:13:19,566 I don't have time for this. 396 00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:21,070 I'm halfway through designing a bamboo gazebo 397 00:13:21,103 --> 00:13:22,942 as a tribute to the founders of motown. 398 00:13:22,991 --> 00:13:24,270 That's so Craig. 399 00:13:24,302 --> 00:13:26,366 Oh, Craig! We have fun, don't we? 400 00:13:26,415 --> 00:13:28,126 Do you guys remember when this all started 401 00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:29,374 and I came in here with the cookies, 402 00:13:29,423 --> 00:13:31,086 and then Craig said something so Craig 403 00:13:31,119 --> 00:13:33,470 and we all laughed, and we were like, "Craig!" 404 00:13:33,519 --> 00:13:36,446 Do you think it would be weird if we held hands? 405 00:13:36,495 --> 00:13:37,662 - Probably. - This way, please. 406 00:13:37,695 --> 00:13:40,030 Excuse me, Ron, I am talking to my best friends. 407 00:13:40,063 --> 00:13:43,406 Let me go! Best friends, attack Ron! 408 00:13:43,439 --> 00:13:45,646 Ben, it has been an honor watching you work today. 409 00:13:45,663 --> 00:13:47,870 It's been like watching Leonardo work. 410 00:13:47,903 --> 00:13:50,142 Da Vinci or DiCaprio. You're that good. 411 00:13:50,175 --> 00:13:53,709 Thanks, man. I was in the zone today. 412 00:13:53,727 --> 00:13:55,566 This really has been a lot of fun. 413 00:13:55,599 --> 00:13:57,230 The old juice is back! 414 00:13:57,263 --> 00:13:58,670 Hey, should we keep this going? 415 00:13:58,703 --> 00:14:00,621 Celebratory dinner, just like the old days? 416 00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:02,638 Ben, that's a great idea. Hey, you know what? 417 00:14:02,655 --> 00:14:05,325 I know who I'm gonna use to calculate tax and tip. 418 00:14:05,343 --> 00:14:07,838 Me? 419 00:14:07,871 --> 00:14:09,150 Can I just say something? 420 00:14:09,199 --> 00:14:11,214 I'm having so much fun right now. 421 00:14:11,247 --> 00:14:13,854 Oh, my God, me too. Like, so much fun. 422 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:14,925 Can I just say something, though? 423 00:14:14,943 --> 00:14:15,885 - Yeah. - Okay. 424 00:14:15,903 --> 00:14:17,518 You don't want this job. 425 00:14:17,551 --> 00:14:19,998 Seriously, this place is the pits. 426 00:14:20,031 --> 00:14:20,926 It's like, if you worked here, 427 00:14:20,959 --> 00:14:22,126 you'd be like, "Ugh!" 428 00:14:22,159 --> 00:14:23,806 And Leslie would be like, "Blah, blah, blah." 429 00:14:23,839 --> 00:14:25,502 And you'd be like, "Uh..." 430 00:14:25,535 --> 00:14:26,702 Okay, can I say something? 431 00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:28,654 Right now, I totally think that you're right, 432 00:14:28,671 --> 00:14:30,878 and I had been thinking about going someplace warm 433 00:14:30,911 --> 00:14:32,846 while my husband is in jail. 434 00:14:32,879 --> 00:14:34,366 Oh, my God! Can I just say something? 435 00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:35,454 - Yes! - Okay. 436 00:14:35,503 --> 00:14:37,710 You should totally stay at my house in Miami. 437 00:14:37,743 --> 00:14:39,198 - What? - I'm serious. 438 00:14:39,231 --> 00:14:42,157 Come by anytime. Just let yourself in. 439 00:14:42,174 --> 00:14:43,934 The gate kind of jams sometimes, 440 00:14:43,983 --> 00:14:45,214 but you can just jump it. 441 00:14:45,263 --> 00:14:47,102 You are so amazing right now. 442 00:14:47,151 --> 00:14:50,718 You're like skinny Mother Theresa. 443 00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:51,854 It's Dwayne Wade's house. 444 00:14:51,887 --> 00:14:54,318 I got his address off the Internet. 445 00:14:54,350 --> 00:14:56,014 I really hope he's there when she walks in 446 00:14:56,047 --> 00:14:58,750 and he throws a basketball at her head. 447 00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:00,478 Okay, enough is enough. 448 00:15:00,527 --> 00:15:01,639 What is wrong with you, woman? 449 00:15:01,647 --> 00:15:02,942 I don't need to explain myself to you! 450 00:15:02,975 --> 00:15:05,214 I am the czar. I can do as I please. 451 00:15:05,247 --> 00:15:09,150 Those who cross the czar feel the wrath of the czar! 452 00:15:10,527 --> 00:15:13,086 Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee. 453 00:15:13,119 --> 00:15:15,294 Moving, with Chris. 454 00:15:15,343 --> 00:15:16,798 Well, that's nice. 455 00:15:16,831 --> 00:15:18,670 Nice, Ron? Edible arrangements are nice. 456 00:15:18,702 --> 00:15:21,086 This is volcanically hot betrayal! 457 00:15:21,135 --> 00:15:22,254 She is my best friend! 458 00:15:22,287 --> 00:15:23,975 She's thinking about leaving, just like that! 459 00:15:23,983 --> 00:15:25,710 And she wants to "talk to me" about it? 460 00:15:25,743 --> 00:15:27,710 It's like, I don't even know what to say. 461 00:15:27,743 --> 00:15:30,750 That you love her and you understand that it's her life, 462 00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:33,214 and geography will never change your feelings. 463 00:15:33,247 --> 00:15:34,462 Whatever. I don't even need her. 464 00:15:34,495 --> 00:15:36,206 I've got Tynnyfer now, and Craig, 465 00:15:36,223 --> 00:15:38,798 and Eric, the racist drug dealer who I've yet to meet. 466 00:15:38,831 --> 00:15:40,190 Those are my real friends. 467 00:15:40,239 --> 00:15:42,238 You can't force friendship, Leslie. 468 00:15:42,287 --> 00:15:43,774 It takes time. 469 00:15:43,807 --> 00:15:46,141 I once thought I had a friend. 470 00:15:46,175 --> 00:15:48,334 Then it turned out he was the single worst person 471 00:15:48,351 --> 00:15:49,773 I have ever met. 472 00:15:49,791 --> 00:15:52,798 I agree with Ron, Leslie. 473 00:15:52,831 --> 00:15:55,006 It's like Moz once said. 474 00:15:55,039 --> 00:15:58,222 "Hold on to your friends." 475 00:15:58,255 --> 00:16:00,750 Morrissey. The Smiths. 476 00:16:00,783 --> 00:16:02,142 You don't know Meat Is Murder? 477 00:16:02,191 --> 00:16:03,278 It's one of the best songs ever written 478 00:16:03,311 --> 00:16:05,421 about industrialized beef consumption. 479 00:16:05,439 --> 00:16:07,086 Okay, Eagleton Ron. 480 00:16:07,119 --> 00:16:08,494 I think it might be time for you to go. 481 00:16:08,526 --> 00:16:11,246 This Ron has the position pretty much locked up, 482 00:16:11,279 --> 00:16:14,174 and, uh, I don't think we have any room for you 483 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,134 in our department. 484 00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:16,253 Fair enough. 485 00:16:16,303 --> 00:16:18,254 I should have seen it. 486 00:16:18,287 --> 00:16:22,414 Taurus and Capricorns never mix, do they? 487 00:16:22,447 --> 00:16:24,062 Just remember, Ron. 488 00:16:24,095 --> 00:16:27,934 Giving in to hate is like drinking saltwater. 489 00:16:27,982 --> 00:16:30,942 The thirst only grows worse. 490 00:16:30,975 --> 00:16:32,414 Leslie, remove this man 491 00:16:32,463 --> 00:16:34,894 before I commit an act of violence against him. 492 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:38,542 Whatever you do, I won't fight back. 493 00:16:41,639 --> 00:16:43,556 After I defeated him in an epic struggle, 494 00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:44,614 E.R.I.C. is gone. 495 00:16:44,888 --> 00:16:47,346 He's been replaced by T.O.M... 496 00:16:47,461 --> 00:16:49,400 Town-wide Organizational Matrix. 497 00:16:50,488 --> 00:16:52,488 Big plans tonight, Craig? 498 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,023 No, I have a ton of work to do. 499 00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:56,218 Plus, my DVR is 13 months pregnant 500 00:16:56,235 --> 00:16:57,548 with episodes of Scandal. 501 00:16:57,663 --> 00:16:59,114 Scandal's my favorite show. 502 00:16:59,147 --> 00:17:01,675 I love every character, except for... 503 00:17:01,707 --> 00:17:02,938 Mellie. 504 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:04,746 Oh! Of course you like Scandal! 505 00:17:04,795 --> 00:17:07,341 Because you're amazing! I love you. 506 00:17:07,457 --> 00:17:09,274 And no matter what happens with this job, 507 00:17:09,307 --> 00:17:11,434 I will always love you. 508 00:17:11,467 --> 00:17:12,394 Excuse me! 509 00:17:12,427 --> 00:17:15,002 Who even are you? 510 00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:16,538 How's your salad? 511 00:17:16,555 --> 00:17:17,834 Well, it's called the "Good Earth Salad," 512 00:17:17,867 --> 00:17:19,897 but really, it's just cheese, 513 00:17:19,915 --> 00:17:23,226 toffee, and gummy bear worms. 514 00:17:23,259 --> 00:17:24,746 This town is really unhealthy. 515 00:17:24,795 --> 00:17:26,874 You know, I forgot that this part 516 00:17:26,907 --> 00:17:28,266 of being accounting bros 517 00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:29,626 was actually pretty depressing. 518 00:17:29,658 --> 00:17:32,778 I mean, after the intense, almost meth-like high 519 00:17:32,811 --> 00:17:34,186 of solving accounting puzzles, 520 00:17:34,235 --> 00:17:37,386 we were always just beat at the end of the day. 521 00:17:37,435 --> 00:17:38,586 I actually think it's something else. 522 00:17:38,619 --> 00:17:40,954 Back in the day, this was all we had. 523 00:17:40,987 --> 00:17:43,194 We'd go into a town, we'd fix problems. 524 00:17:43,227 --> 00:17:45,786 We'd go back to some rundown motel. 525 00:17:45,818 --> 00:17:46,874 Yeah, you'd exercise. 526 00:17:46,907 --> 00:17:48,266 I'd re-watch Twin Peaks, 527 00:17:48,315 --> 00:17:49,817 then hit the Twin Peaks message boards 528 00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:51,786 and read The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer 529 00:17:51,835 --> 00:17:53,497 to find Easter Eggs I'd missed. 530 00:17:53,515 --> 00:17:55,738 But now, Ann and Leslie are our real partners. 531 00:17:55,755 --> 00:17:57,786 Yeah. It's a good thing. 532 00:17:57,819 --> 00:18:01,337 But you were a fine surrogate before we found them. 533 00:18:01,355 --> 00:18:05,017 Just so you know, we're thinking of moving. 534 00:18:05,035 --> 00:18:06,298 Don't know where yet. 535 00:18:06,315 --> 00:18:08,218 Maybe Michigan, to be with Ann's family. 536 00:18:08,235 --> 00:18:11,594 Wow. That makes me kind of sad. 537 00:18:11,627 --> 00:18:16,378 But also incredibly happy for you and Ann. 538 00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:19,274 We have come a long way. 539 00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:20,746 Something healthy! 540 00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:22,138 A cherry tomato. 541 00:18:22,155 --> 00:18:23,674 Nope. 542 00:18:23,707 --> 00:18:25,194 A gumball. 543 00:18:25,227 --> 00:18:26,842 Ooh! 544 00:18:26,875 --> 00:18:30,346 What I really want to say is, I'm sorry. 545 00:18:30,379 --> 00:18:31,994 You're my best friend. 546 00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:34,458 This whole thing is just scary and confusing. 547 00:18:34,475 --> 00:18:35,674 I love you. 548 00:18:35,706 --> 00:18:36,858 I want to talk about this, 549 00:18:36,891 --> 00:18:40,346 all of this, whatever it means. 550 00:18:40,379 --> 00:18:41,658 Was that okay? 551 00:18:41,691 --> 00:18:43,114 I guess it's good. 552 00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:45,514 Again, I barely know you or Ann, 553 00:18:45,563 --> 00:18:47,434 so I don't have much to go off of. 554 00:18:47,483 --> 00:18:49,642 - Well... - Hey, Leslie. 555 00:18:49,675 --> 00:18:52,234 Hey. Uh, you are excused, Fake Ann. 556 00:18:52,283 --> 00:18:53,466 That was six hours well spent. 557 00:18:53,483 --> 00:18:54,922 I thank you. 558 00:18:54,955 --> 00:18:56,362 Looks like you've made all your decisions. 559 00:18:56,395 --> 00:18:58,202 Well, almost. 560 00:18:58,235 --> 00:18:59,642 What were you talking to Evelyn about? 561 00:18:59,675 --> 00:19:01,946 Nothing. It's not important. 562 00:19:01,963 --> 00:19:03,802 The only thing that's important is you. 563 00:19:03,835 --> 00:19:05,242 I'm ready to talk about this. 564 00:19:05,275 --> 00:19:07,402 I want to talk about this. 565 00:19:07,435 --> 00:19:09,722 Is now a good time? 566 00:19:11,003 --> 00:19:13,945 Yes. Now is a great time. 567 00:19:14,455 --> 00:19:20,979 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com