Business at Rent-a-Swag could not be better.
Yesterday Jaden Smith came in, and he was like,
"Look, I want to quit the music/acting business and work here with you."
And I was like, "Jaden, be serious.
The world needs you. You have a gift."
Ever since my client opened his store across the street,
your sales have plummeted.
It's only a matter of time before you're out of business.
But my client has had a moment of weakness,
something he referred to as "sympathy"?
He's made you a final offer...
$40,000 for Rent-a-Swag and all of its contents.
I suggest you take it.
Well, I've heard all the facts, and it's pretty obvious what I have to do...
Get a big old mug of hot chocolate, put on my thinking PJs, and get back to you.
The offer is valid for 48 hours.
We would also be interested in acquiring your thinking PJs.
Listen to me very carefully.
No matter what happens,
you will never acquire
my thinking PJs
or my YouTube blazer...
Nonnegotiable.
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Sorry. Sorry.
Larry, everyone else was able to make it to the committee meeting on time.
What's your excuse?
I was voting for you in the recall election.
Lots of people wearing Leslie Knope buttons.
No discussion about the recall election until the polls close at 8:00.
Let's focus on what we can control.
In 24 hours, we are going to transform City Hall
into the best haunted house Pawnee has ever seen.
There's been a mistake.
This says that I'm in charge of the silly skeleton room,
when really it should say "the undead serial killer room."
- Who do I talk to about changing this? - It's recall day. I've made my case,
and the latest polls have it as a dead heat,
so there's nothing left to do but wait.
I'm fine. I mean, I got stuff to do. I'm planning a haunted house.
Plus, um...
It's Kevin Pollacks birthday.
That's something to focus on today.
Who cares about the recall? It's Kevin's day.
I don't know what to do...
I could take the offer and break even, but I've come so far.
Ron, can you put some more tiny marshmallow in my hot chocky?
Thank you.
If there was something I could do for you, I would.
Maybe you should try taking a walk...
Out of my office.
- Ron! You're in Bloosh! - What?
- Ron's in Bloosh? - Ron is in Bloosh!
What is Bloosh?
Bloosh is a weekly lifestyle email written by Annabel Porter.
She used to be the face of the Eagleton phone book.
Then she moved to Hollywood to pursue her dream
of becoming friends with a bunch of celebrities.
Then she moved back to become a lifestyle guru.
She's legit.
She spent four months living in Kate Bosworth's pool house.
"A Ron Swanson-designed chair is the must-have item of the season,"
"along with red quinoa, wind therapy, and buying an island."
Annabel says that buying an island
is the only real way to know that your goji-berry farm is pesticide-free.
I've been trying to get Rent-a-Swag in Bloosh for months.
And now that you got in, I can get in too. Congratulations, Ron! We did it!
- Someone's getting a new leather jacket. - I don't want a leather jacket.
It's for me. This is a great day!
Ron's in Bloosh!
- Ron's in Bloosh! - What?
Ron's in Bloosh!
- Do it. - Ron's in Bloosh!
April, you seem depressed, and I would know.
I spent most of last year being treated by Dr. Richard Nygard
for my own emotional problems.
Yeah, I just miss Andy.
Halloween was, like, kind of our thing.
Every year, we would dress up like demons and egg Larry's house.
- That was you? - Larry, please.
We're having a private conversation.
Well, I'd like to make Halloween fun for you,
like Andy would have, starting right now...
With scary, scary monster claws!
Okay, people, the grand opening is in 20 hours.
Larry, you had the easiest job...
Two triangles and a tooth.
Nobody wants Gengurch-family-themed Jack-o-lanterns.
- Gayle likes them. - Is any of this even good?
Why didn't we call it "City Hall-oween"?
Okay, we need to change every single banner.
Leslie's been holding it together pretty well,
but today is when she needs us the most.
That's why we formed the Leslie Knope emotional support task force.
Anything she could possibly need to get her through these final hours,
we got it covered...
Back rubs, YouTube videos of turtles and birds becoming friends...
A poster announcing the new Lilith Fair concert.
It's fake, but it'll buy us an hour.
We even have a secret hand signal in case we think she needs help.
It's loosely based on the Klingon greeting salute.
I just learned that. And if I had known, I would not have agreed to it.
Uh, hey, Leslie, how about instead of slightly changing a lot of banners,
we paint our toenails to look like pumpkins?
Fun! Ann, you're a genius!
Your brain is almost as perfect as your face.
Hey, Ron, baby, what are the hot deets on Bloosh?
Start over and speak differently.
Sorry. Did you call that P.R. guy? What's the latest news?
Apparently, Joan Callamezzo wants me to go on Pawnee Today
to discuss my chairs with this Porter woman.
I said no.
Ron, you said if there was something you could do to help me, you would.
Getting in Bloosh is my last chance to save my store.
You have to go and take me so I can meet her.
- Please? - Fine.
If it's that important to your company, I'll do it.
Yes!
Now, I know high-end, Internet-only lifestyle magazine really isn't your scene,
so Donna and I wrote up some cocktail banter
and some conversation snippets for you to practice so you can fit in.
"Annabel, could I be more jels of your low-lights right now?"
"I mean, O.M. Squee, talk about bangs envy."
Oof, you got a long way to go, Swanson.
- Let's go again, from the top. - I regret everything.
- Babe, you made it. It's 8:00. - Thank God.
Okay, everyone, great work, as always.
I'm gonna stay here and just kind of wait for the results to pour in.
Thank you. I'll see you all tomorrow.
We're not going anywhere. We're staying with you.
No, really, it's gonna be hours before they call it.
We're not leaving, woman. Stop trying to get rid of us.
Yeah, I made frappuccinos for a little caffeine boost,
and Larry went to get pizzas for everyone.
Aw, that's very sweet, you guys.
Thank you.
All right, let's hunker down. It's gonna be a long night.
Too close to call, a real nail-biter,
anybody's game...
These are three phrases you won't hear tonight,
as Leslie Knope has been voted out of office.
What was expected to be a close race...
What did he say?
Has actually been a not close race.
Pawnee voters have decisively removed Leslie Knope...
- Honey, I'm so sorry. - ... From the City Council.
pizza time, it's-a pizza time!
Larry, everyone is miserable,
and you are only making it worse.
- Okay, Leslie's on her way in. - Is she okay?
I left her, like, 30 voice mails,
and her outgoing message is just her sobbing and burping and crazy laughing.
Yeah, you know what? She's actually handling it pretty well.
What's up, fartwads?
Are you eating a paunch burger?
Well, you know what? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
I mean, I've been boycotting them ever since pinewood and her goons
started this whole recall business, but who cares now, right?
What does it matter? Nothing matters anymore.
Mmm. Oh, my God. This is good.
This is really good.
Why did I ever fight this?
Have you thought about a concession speech?
Oh, concession speech?
Yeah, I wrote one.
"Eat my shorts, Jabronies. Knope, out."
I thought it best to revisit the concession speech at a later time.
But we should focus on the haunted house.
And you know what I think it needs, actually,
is a papier-mâché li'l Sebastian!
- What? - Oh!
I'm gonna go fall asleep on a bench.
I can honestly say
today's guest is the only person in this town
who's a bigger deal than I am.
Please welcome lifestyle guru Annabel Porter.
Hello, hello. It's me. I'm here.
- Yes, you are. - Hi.
Can I just say, as a journalist,
I feel like we're best friends.
Tell the audience about yourself.
Well, I'm just a simple former phonebook model who found her calling.
- You know, I'm not perfect. - Oh.
The average woman worries about what she looks like in a bathing suit.
So does my nanny. So I get it.
Annabel, what trends are...
Pardon the pun, but... Trending?
First of all, Mozambique cashmere is the new cast-iron stove.
Of course.
I have found some amazing new conflict-free paella recipes,
and, luckily, my favorite fishmonger now makes house calls.
- Thank God. - Finally.
But my fave new item is a deliciously bold chair...
- Ooh. - By local artist Ron Swanson.
Ron Swanson is here.
He will be joining us after the break, so stick around.
Did that woman call my chair "delicious"?
Whoo, Happy Halloween.
Oh, caterpillar! Thank you.
Hey, guys, come on in.
- Welcome to the den of horrors. - Where's all the scary stuff?
Scary stuff is invisible, Leah...
Broken dreams, disappointment, achieving your greatest goal
and having it all fall apart
and knowing that you'll never climb any higher.
Can we have some candy?
I'm gonna give you something sweeter than candy, Ryan...
The truth.
It's very possible that some of you have already peaked.
It's all downhill from here, turkeys.
Okay, let's say good-bye to Ms. Knope, kids.
It is Ms. Knope.
It's not city councilwoman Knope, because that chapter of my life is already over.
Just remember, kids,
nothing gold can stay.
Okay.
Oh, my goodness, we are back with America's greatest leader...
Annabel Porter
and her new favorite artisan,
local woodworker Ron Swanson.
Hello.
I discovered Ron's chairs a few months ago,
and what I absolutely love about a Swanson
is you can really use it for anything.
Yes, mostly you use it for sitting.
Make it a rustic accent piece in your solarium.
Even better, use it as a focal point in your yoga tent.
Put it by a table and eat a meal.
We don't do meals in my home.
No, every two hours, we eat what I like to call a food tease,
like an oat wedge or a seaweed lozenge.
Can I just say...
And I think this is really important,
so I need everyone to shut up...
- I love your hair. - Oh. Thank you.
It's genetic and unattainable.
I am scaring you!
I could see you.
There's, like, a million mirrors in front of me.
And you're never gonna make me not miss Andy, okay?
What about this? I'm Bert Macklin, friendly lifeguard.
Bert Macklin is not a lifeguard. He's an FBI agent.
- Really? That's even harder to believe. - Just stop, okay?
Your lame attempts at trying to cheer me up are not working.
Now I'm sad that I miss Andy and sad that I can't make fun of you to Andy.
I understand. I'm sorry.
I've failed you, both as a scary monster and a friend.
- Hey, I am really sorry. - I know you must feel awful.
I don't feel awful.
You know, actually, I feel like I can finally relax.
Accepting that you've peaked is very freeing.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
I was impeached when I was 18, and it was brutal.
But you just have to keep climbing back up that hill.
Or do you?
Maybe instead of working super hard to rebuild your life,
you just said, "I peaked. Wow. What a great run."
"And now I'm going to spend the rest of my life really chill."
Well, sure, I mean, part of that sounds very appealing.
- Yeah. - But, n-no.
Uh, see, I-it was important for me...
See, I took a job in City budget crisis management,
and now I work for a candy charity.
Oh, God, did I peak when I was 18?
- There it is. - Drink up.
- Whoo! - Shots!
B-13 shots.
Bird bath salts.
Wha...? Champagne decanters!
This is heaven.
I love your chair.
I need 12 for my stepdaughter's craft room.
Well, I make two a year, so maybe in six years.
- Can you put me on the wait list? - Me too...
Unless your chair was ever touched by someone who ate refined sugar.
Then I can't buy any of your chairs, and I protest this entire event.
Okay, Ron, Annabels coming over.
When you talk me up, be sure to mention that you really admire
how I take big risks with men's neck accessories.
- There he is. - Hello, hello.
Thank you for your kind words about my chairs, Miss Porter.
No, thank us.
You are about to make a ton of money.
I want to license your designs.
We are going to put Swanson chairs in every six-bedroom home in the Midwest.
If my chairs were mass-produced, they wouldn't be Swanson chairs.
Swanson chairs are handmade.
Yes, and now they will be made by thousands of tiny Chinese hands.
Oh, Miss Porter, this is my very good friend Tom Haverford.
He's a big fan of your... Whatever you call what you do.
Please speak to each other while I leave.
Oh, no, I am not done with you, you wicked little so-and-so.
Terrific.
You know what? I had my time, you know? I did my thing.
I wanted to be a city councilor, and I did, and I was, and I was like, whoo!
And the people were like, pffft!
- At least we have each other. - I love you so much.
I love you too.
- This is real. - I know.
- You're my husband. - You're my wife.
- You married me in front of people. - I did. I was there.
We may have peaked, but it doesn't matter.
We need to do something big, you know,
something that really lets people know
that we're gonna love each other forever.
- Yeah! What is it? - I got it.
Hello, sir. We are sober.
We would like to get tattoos on our bodies, 'cause we love each other.
Tattoos? This is a pawnshop.
- But, yeah, sure, I can do that. - Awww!
Yes! It happened!
Look what he's doing. He's breaking pens.
- This is the idea of the century. - Right here.
Come here.
My store is called Rent-a-Swag. It's a clothing rental service for teens.
It's an interesting idea. Are you guys doing well?
- We're doing amazing. - Mm.
And it'd be perfect for Bloosh.
Why don't you take out whatever you wrote about my chairs
and put something in about Rent-a-Swag instead?
This month's trends are final. I can't just throw a trend out.
But my bloosh scouts have started trend-tracking for the February zine blast.
- Good God, these words. - I'll have them stop by your store.
That'll be too late. We'll be out of business by then.
I thought you said you were doing well.
Ronnie, one last time, have you reconsidered mass production?
I can sell your chairs on my site.
No, thank you, ma'am.
I'm not interested in letting someone else sell my work.
Well, that's too bad.
This party is over. It no longer is.
It was.
- It was...? That was my last shot. - Sorry, Tommy.
Let's just grab some of that lychee body oil and bounce.
Can you grab me some of those pomegranate face masks too?
Fo' sho'.
Can I ask you a question?
Are we the cutest couple you've ever seen?
Nope.
Okay, you want the long needle or the short needle?
Doesn't matter. Can't find a short needle. Long needle it is.
I have a big idea.
I want a portrait of Eleanor Roosevelt,
tastefully done,
and then she has a very classy tattoo of Pat Benatar on her arm.
And that's very subtle.
No, scratch that. Scratch all that. Just write "Ben".
Do you have anything to numb the pain?
Sure, take a scoop out of the pill bucket.
Okay, you said you wanted "mouth queen"?
No, stop. Stop it. Stop everything that you're doing.
- Stop it. - Ann's here! Ann wants a tattoo!
- Ann! - No, no!
- Ann! - No!
Shh! Ann does not want a tattoo. No one wants a tattoo.
Ann, relax.
Be "respitable" for a second, okay?
What we are doing is not nuts.
We are merely getting tattoos
so that everybody knows we love each other and that we haven't peaked.
- It makes a lot of sense. - Okay, we're leaving, all right?
So say good-bye to the nice man
and thank me for saving you from being on dateline.
Okay, let's go. Come on.
- Good-bye, world traveler. - Later, bro Heisen.
- Go. - Come on.
I don't want to be a failure again, Ron.
There's no shame in failure
if you gave it an honest effort.
Easy for you to say.
People are dying to give you money for your business,
and you didn't even take it.
I didn't sell my chairs to that website because I value my name.
The only thing that's important at the end of the day
is what's on your gravestone... Your name.
My gravestone's gonna be a 60-inch touchscreen
with a hologram of four mes
singing End of the Road by Boyz II Men...
But point taken.
Ben, what is the first rule of the Leslie Knope emotional support task force?
Don't let her get a tattoo.
- What the hell happened? - I couldn't help it.
She's so cute when she's coming up with destructive ideas.
Never send a husband to do a best friend's job.
Out, Wyatt. Walk it off.
- Walk it off. - Fine.
- You did it. - Yep.
- See you later, Ann. - No, Knope, sit down.
- You are avoiding your problems. - What? No, I'm not.
- Can we talk about this tomorrow? - You were down in the polls.
Your opponents were well funded and well organized.
You must have known this would be a possibility.
Intellectually, I knew that I might be in trouble,
but deep in my heart, I never really thought...
Ben and I tried to help you,
but as usual, you're the best person for the job.
You need to hear yourself read this.
"They held the recall election, and I lost."
"I was voted out of office."
"In 30 days, I will no longer be a Pawnee city councilor."
Oh, it's so hard to read when you're drunk.
Keep going.
"But I am Leslie Knope."
"I am more than a city councilor."
"I am an unstoppable force of energy."
"And I will use those days to work as hard as I can."
These are all your ongoing projects,
everything you're currently working on for Pawnee.
You have things to do.
You have a month left. Use it.
Ann, you poetic and noble land mermaid,
you're right once again.
Thank you.
I flushed my car keys down the toilet.
No problem.
Eww... stop.
Hello to you too, April.
I'm sorry I said you were lame, okay?
You are, but I know
you were just trying to help me, so...
Thank you, April. Happy Halloween.
And if you want to egg Larry's house, come find me.
You guys are cute.
- Where'd that come from? - I'm weak.
I miss Andy, and it's making me weak.
Also, if Chris puts that much effort
into making my stupid night better,
I'm sure that he'll make your lame life perfect.
Or he's secretly super in love with me.
It's probably that.
That's a funny joke, April.
But the truth is, I'm very much in love with Ann.
Okay, gross. The spell's broken.
I've made my decision, and I'll sell you Rent-a-Swag, but on my terms.
Which are?
$40,000 for the inventory, the website, and everything else in the store,
but I keep the name Rent-a-Swag. It's mine, and I'm keeping it.
The name is actually an important part of the sale.
- Really? - Yes. My client likes the name.
It's better than Tommy's closet. He needs the name.
Well, I don't know what to tell you, except...
I'll throw in the name in exchange for $20,000 more
and 5% of your client's business.
I'll run it past my client, but I think we have a deal.
Ron said there's nothing more valuable than my name, but he's not a businessman.
I am.
And now I have seed money for my next venture.
I sold out, baby.
The votes have been counted, and I have been recalled.
I am, of course, disappointed.
But I am still your City councilwoman for 30 more days,
and I intend to spend every second I have left
working for you and this great city.
The thing about being part
of the Leslie Knope emotional support task force
is that it's a very easy job.
She's never down for that long.
And now that she's had a little time to recharge,
she is like a toddler bouncing back from a nap.
Hey! There you guys are.
Okay, Ben, I need some help with the re-zoning thing.
Also, I think we should paint our deck, so I have some color samples for you.
And to thank you both for being there when I needed you,
I carved your faces into these Jack-o-lanterns.
Ann, it was very hard to capture your beauty,
and, Ben, you make a sexy pumpkin...
No surprise.
Love you both. See you later.
- Okay. - Wow.
This is amazing.
Not bad.
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