1
00:00:01,803 --> 00:00:04,936
Okay, Ron. Enough's enough.
Let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.

2
00:00:05,056 --> 00:00:07,139
- Dear God, woman.
- Three main activities...

3
00:00:07,173 --> 00:00:09,339
baby bingo, baby food tasting,

4
00:00:09,373 --> 00:00:12,588
and my personal favorite...
baby onesie decorating station.

5
00:00:12,639 --> 00:00:14,372
I'm gonna make mine
look like an astronaut.

6
00:00:14,390 --> 00:00:15,705
What are you doing
up there in space, baby?

7
00:00:15,723 --> 00:00:17,222
Ah! So cute!
Okay.

8
00:00:17,256 --> 00:00:19,853
I have some gift ideas.
I was looking at a very adorable stroller.

9
00:00:19,907 --> 00:00:21,739
We already have a stroller.

10
00:00:21,773 --> 00:00:22,956
Oh, shoot. Really?

11
00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:24,373
I'm gonna have to think
of something else.

12
00:00:25,407 --> 00:00:26,489
Oh, my God, whose baby is that?

13
00:00:26,541 --> 00:00:27,989
That would be mine.

14
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:30,272
Guys, get in here!
Ron has a baby!

15
00:00:30,290 --> 00:00:32,605
- Oh, Ron, cool baby.
- Thank you, Andrew.

16
00:00:32,623 --> 00:00:34,655
Everyone,
I'd like to introduce you

17
00:00:34,706 --> 00:00:38,323
to my son, John middle name
redacted Swanson.

18
00:00:38,374 --> 00:00:40,540
John was born some time ago,

19
00:00:40,573 --> 00:00:43,206
weighing multiple pounds
and several ounces.

20
00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:46,105
Much like his father,
he is a fan of silence.

21
00:00:46,123 --> 00:00:47,605
Please keep your voices down.

22
00:00:47,623 --> 00:00:49,072
How am I supposed
to keep my voice down

23
00:00:49,106 --> 00:00:50,872
when you had your baby,

24
00:00:50,907 --> 00:00:52,489
and you didn't
tell me that you had your baby?

25
00:00:52,540 --> 00:00:53,939
Why would you need to know
something like that?

26
00:00:53,957 --> 00:00:55,989
Why would I...
oh, my God.

27
00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,655
I have not even
sent Diane a gift.

28
00:00:57,706 --> 00:00:59,772
She's just walking around,

29
00:00:59,790 --> 00:01:01,406
wondering why I haven't
sent her a gift yet.

30
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:02,789
Should we do something?

31
00:01:02,823 --> 00:01:04,239
Just let her tire herself out.

32
00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:06,456
If you need anything from us,
Ron, please just let us know.

33
00:01:06,490 --> 00:01:07,939
Actually there is something.

34
00:01:07,957 --> 00:01:10,156
Could one of you please
stop by the pet store

35
00:01:10,207 --> 00:01:12,373
and pick up some fish food
for me?

36
00:01:12,407 --> 00:01:14,156
When did you get a fish?

37
00:01:17,190 --> 00:01:25,206
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

38
00:01:36,003 --> 00:01:37,303
Okay, youth committee.

39
00:01:37,337 --> 00:01:39,336
Update on the unity concert.
Madison.

40
00:01:39,387 --> 00:01:41,669
So far, 12 bands have said yes.

41
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:43,119
And we asked them all
to submit a song

42
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:44,552
for the new
town anthem contest.

43
00:01:44,586 --> 00:01:46,502
I think we should book Orin
as a headliner.

44
00:01:46,553 --> 00:01:48,002
I think it's a no-brainer.

45
00:01:48,053 --> 00:01:51,002
Um, he dislocates his shoulder
to the music of Billy Joel.

46
00:01:51,053 --> 00:01:52,336
The Pawnee Journal called it,

47
00:01:52,387 --> 00:01:53,502
"Why would anyone do this?"

48
00:01:53,553 --> 00:01:55,336
Stop suggesting Orin.

49
00:01:55,387 --> 00:01:57,002
Craig, any update
on the art tents?

50
00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:59,095
14 local artists have
signed up to show their work.

51
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,002
It was going to be 15,
but then this one guy

52
00:02:01,053 --> 00:02:02,835
described himself
as "Jackson Pollock-esque"

53
00:02:02,887 --> 00:02:04,468
and I told him that's
finger painting for adults

54
00:02:04,503 --> 00:02:05,835
and I hate it!

55
00:02:05,887 --> 00:02:08,468
The Pawnee-Eagleton merger
has made for a rough year,

56
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,386
both for me and for the town.

57
00:02:10,420 --> 00:02:12,286
But if I can pull off
this unity concert

58
00:02:12,304 --> 00:02:14,669
and prove that this merger
was a success,

59
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:19,169
Pawnee might once again
tolerate-slash-ignore me.

60
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:21,286
I know that sounds bad,
but for a politician

61
00:02:21,304 --> 00:02:23,618
it's pretty much
the best-case scenario.

62
00:02:23,636 --> 00:02:25,585
You guys might as well be
a pile of leaves

63
00:02:25,619 --> 00:02:27,152
because you're about
to get blown away.

64
00:02:27,187 --> 00:02:31,386
I have booked a meeting with
none other than Grant Larson.

65
00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:35,119
- No one knows who that is?
- Um, I do.

66
00:02:35,137 --> 00:02:36,886
"Grant Larson,"
otherwise known as Elton John.

67
00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:38,169
Congratulations, Leslie.

68
00:02:38,220 --> 00:02:39,752
No, Grant Larson
is the director

69
00:02:39,786 --> 00:02:42,286
of the Midwest branch
of the National Park Service.

70
00:02:42,304 --> 00:02:44,119
He's basically
the Liam Bonneville

71
00:02:44,137 --> 00:02:46,468
of the Midwest.

72
00:02:46,503 --> 00:02:47,802
Liam Bonneville?

73
00:02:47,836 --> 00:02:49,585
The department of the interior's
resident bad boy?

74
00:02:49,619 --> 00:02:52,052
He's basically the Tim Dweck...
Okay, never mind.

75
00:02:52,087 --> 00:02:54,502
I have asked Grant
to declare Eagleton Hills

76
00:02:54,553 --> 00:02:56,219
a national park

77
00:02:56,254 --> 00:02:58,169
as the grand finale
of our unity concert.

78
00:02:58,220 --> 00:02:59,635
Great idea, Leslie.

79
00:02:59,670 --> 00:03:00,919
And with that update,

80
00:03:00,953 --> 00:03:02,802
the Pawnee new founder's day
unity concert

81
00:03:02,836 --> 00:03:04,919
is now officially...

82
00:03:04,953 --> 00:03:06,835
ahead of schedule!

83
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:10,303
And that banner unfurling
marks the 100th time

84
00:03:10,337 --> 00:03:13,886
that one of my projects
has been...

85
00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:15,451
ahead of schedule.

86
00:03:15,469 --> 00:03:17,585
This is your chance
to put your names

87
00:03:17,619 --> 00:03:21,802
on the Pawnee unity concert,
the biggest event of 2014...

88
00:03:21,836 --> 00:03:23,418
besides the unveiling
of Tricia's new highlights.

89
00:03:23,452 --> 00:03:26,002
You think I wouldn't notice?
You look fly as hell, girl!

90
00:03:27,304 --> 00:03:29,518
This unity concert
needs corporate sponsorship,

91
00:03:29,553 --> 00:03:31,502
so Ben and I are meeting
with local bigwigs.

92
00:03:31,553 --> 00:03:34,169
I'm gonna do what I do best...
lock down deals.

93
00:03:34,220 --> 00:03:36,752
And dork-asaurus over here is
gonna handle the boring stuff.

94
00:03:36,786 --> 00:03:41,136
You said you genuinely valued
my business acumen.

95
00:03:41,170 --> 00:03:43,969
Also, I'm your boss.

96
00:03:44,003 --> 00:03:45,585
Oh, my God, he's so cute.

97
00:03:45,619 --> 00:03:47,618
You're the cutest
little boo-bear I've ever seen.

98
00:03:47,636 --> 00:03:49,253
You are the world's
most adorable baby

99
00:03:49,287 --> 00:03:50,835
and I love you!

100
00:03:50,887 --> 00:03:52,952
You are so freaking precious!

101
00:03:52,970 --> 00:03:54,290
Look what Gayle made
for the baby.

102
00:03:54,304 --> 00:03:56,752
It says "Property
of Pawnee government."

103
00:03:56,786 --> 00:03:58,169
Isn't that adorable?

104
00:03:59,836 --> 00:04:01,552
Come on, John.

105
00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:05,335
Jeez.

106
00:04:05,386 --> 00:04:06,502
Here we are...

107
00:04:06,553 --> 00:04:08,952
the park that borders
Pawnee and Eagleton.

108
00:04:08,970 --> 00:04:10,502
This is the perfect place
for the press conference

109
00:04:10,553 --> 00:04:11,919
to announce our unity concert.

110
00:04:11,953 --> 00:04:13,631
People are gonna clap,
they're gonna cheer.

111
00:04:13,636 --> 00:04:16,086
Today might be the day
that I finally crowd surf.

112
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,451
I should probably
empty my pockets just in case.

113
00:04:18,469 --> 00:04:20,002
Hey, one question.

114
00:04:20,053 --> 00:04:21,835
Um, where do you think
you're gonna stand,

115
00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:25,186
in front of the graffiti
that says "Pawnee, you suck,"

116
00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:26,969
or "Go home, Eagleton snobs"?

117
00:04:27,003 --> 00:04:28,585
I painted over that graffiti
a week ago.

118
00:04:28,619 --> 00:04:29,919
These people are the worst!

119
00:04:29,953 --> 00:04:31,802
I cannot announce
a unity concert

120
00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:33,219
in front of a picture
of a bald eagle

121
00:04:33,254 --> 00:04:34,585
giving the middle finger.

122
00:04:34,619 --> 00:04:35,835
Yeah, you probably
wanna stand to the side

123
00:04:35,887 --> 00:04:37,136
so people can see it.

124
00:04:37,170 --> 00:04:39,119
You know, why do we even
have this wall?

125
00:04:39,137 --> 00:04:41,302
We're supposed to be
uniting the two towns,

126
00:04:41,336 --> 00:04:44,286
and this literally
divides them.

127
00:04:44,303 --> 00:04:45,502
We should just knock it down.

128
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:48,335
On it, boss.

129
00:04:48,386 --> 00:04:49,585
Ahh!

130
00:04:49,619 --> 00:04:50,802
Ow.

131
00:04:50,836 --> 00:04:53,253
The kool-aid guy
makes it look so easy.

132
00:04:56,137 --> 00:04:57,618
In the time I've worked here,

133
00:04:57,636 --> 00:04:59,052
I've taken great pains

134
00:04:59,087 --> 00:05:01,002
to see as little
of this building as possible.

135
00:05:01,053 --> 00:05:04,335
Turns out the third floor
is silent, empty,

136
00:05:04,386 --> 00:05:07,385
and completely free
of government work.

137
00:05:07,419 --> 00:05:09,468
I can't think of anything
more beautiful

138
00:05:09,503 --> 00:05:11,302
to share with my son.

139
00:05:12,786 --> 00:05:14,136
If I had a toolbox

140
00:05:14,170 --> 00:05:17,052
I could take care
of that faulty radiator.

141
00:05:17,087 --> 00:05:20,418
Ooh!
This place is a paradise!

142
00:05:20,452 --> 00:05:23,835
Nicely done, Tom.
We have 15 sponsorship offers.

143
00:05:23,887 --> 00:05:25,802
Make that 16.
Mitch Savner.

144
00:05:25,836 --> 00:05:27,618
- Savner Bleaches and Chemicals!
- That's it.

145
00:05:27,636 --> 00:05:29,335
You guys make my favorite
teeth-whitening strips...

146
00:05:29,386 --> 00:05:30,451
pearlies for girlies.

147
00:05:30,469 --> 00:05:31,802
It's unisex.

148
00:05:31,836 --> 00:05:33,502
The cartoon princess
on the label says so.

149
00:05:33,553 --> 00:05:35,451
I'll sponsor your concert.

150
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:36,785
But I'm also looking
to invest in other ventures.

151
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:38,219
I have a feeling
a bright guy like you

152
00:05:38,253 --> 00:05:39,451
has some ideas of his own.

153
00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:41,468
I may have a few eggs
ready to hatch

154
00:05:41,503 --> 00:05:42,785
in the personal idea nest.

155
00:05:42,803 --> 00:05:44,669
Why don't you come
to my office tomorrow

156
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,119
and pitch me your hottest idea?

157
00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:48,618
Perfect!
I'll see you then.

158
00:05:48,636 --> 00:05:49,785
Oh, that's pretty cool.

159
00:05:49,803 --> 00:05:51,468
It's all happening, Ben.

160
00:05:51,503 --> 00:05:53,719
Soon I'll have a new career,
new crib, new friends.

161
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,919
If all goes well, this may be
one of the last times

162
00:05:56,953 --> 00:05:58,802
I ever have to speak to you.

163
00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:00,169
Come with me, I need your help.

164
00:06:01,753 --> 00:06:04,002
Thank you so much, everyone,
for coming.

165
00:06:04,053 --> 00:06:05,451
And a special thank you
to the city council

166
00:06:05,469 --> 00:06:06,952
for their support.

167
00:06:06,970 --> 00:06:08,285
I was told there'd be
a free barbecue buffet?

168
00:06:08,303 --> 00:06:10,335
Just take some beef jerky
and... hush!

169
00:06:10,386 --> 00:06:14,552
This spring we will be holding
a massive unity concert

170
00:06:14,586 --> 00:06:17,952
to commemorate the merger
between Pawnee and Eagleton.

171
00:06:17,970 --> 00:06:20,468
This three-day
music and arts festival

172
00:06:20,503 --> 00:06:23,919
will end on a day we will call
"New Founder's Day,"

173
00:06:23,953 --> 00:06:25,802
an official beginning
to our new town.

174
00:06:25,836 --> 00:06:27,502
A few years ago,

175
00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:29,669
Eagleton put up this wall
along the border.

176
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:34,086
Now it is time
to tear down this wall.

177
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:37,136
In the name of unity,

178
00:06:37,170 --> 00:06:40,218
I have given some former
Eagletonians the first strike.

179
00:06:40,253 --> 00:06:42,052
Take it away, guys.

180
00:06:45,219 --> 00:06:47,136
This is such a great day
for...

181
00:06:47,170 --> 00:06:48,502
Bees!

182
00:06:48,553 --> 00:06:49,835
Bees!
Oh!

183
00:06:49,887 --> 00:06:50,835
Nobody panic!

184
00:06:50,887 --> 00:06:52,785
Ohhh, noooo!

185
00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:54,969
Ah! It stung me
in the eyeball!

186
00:06:55,003 --> 00:06:57,919
Oh, man, this is amazing, man.

187
00:06:57,953 --> 00:06:59,418
The stupid Eagletonians

188
00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:01,835
are totally getting the pwned
by these bees.

189
00:07:01,887 --> 00:07:03,325
I'm gonna send this
straight to tosh.

190
00:07:03,336 --> 00:07:06,052
Ow,

191
00:07:06,087 --> 00:07:08,086
Don't worry, babe,
I'll protect you.

192
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,552
I got stung once, I'm immune.

193
00:07:09,586 --> 00:07:12,052
Go ahead and sting me, bees.
It does nothing.

194
00:07:13,565 --> 00:07:17,248
Leslie, it appears that most of the people
that were stung were from Eagleton.

195
00:07:17,488 --> 00:07:18,654
How did you pull that off?

196
00:07:18,689 --> 00:07:20,105
I didn't pull anything off.

197
00:07:20,139 --> 00:07:22,154
The Eagletonians were simply
closest to the wall.

198
00:07:22,188 --> 00:07:25,437
Plus, one Pawneean was stung...
in his mouth

199
00:07:25,471 --> 00:07:27,189
because he was laughing
at the Eagletonians.

200
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:30,071
How did you get your bees
into the wall,

201
00:07:30,106 --> 00:07:32,304
and how long did it take
to plan

202
00:07:32,322 --> 00:07:34,637
this hilarious bee prank
on Eagleton?

203
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:37,437
They were not my bees, Trodd.

204
00:07:37,471 --> 00:07:40,071
And for the last time
this was not a prank.

205
00:07:40,106 --> 00:07:42,154
I did not know
that bees were in that wall.

206
00:07:42,188 --> 00:07:43,571
I mean, in fact
you should treat this

207
00:07:43,605 --> 00:07:44,821
like a public service
announcement.

208
00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:47,487
Everybody... should check
their walls for bees.

209
00:07:47,522 --> 00:07:49,404
Nice try, prank queen.
Probably bees in there.

210
00:07:49,438 --> 00:07:51,071
Okay, that's all the time
I have.

211
00:07:51,106 --> 00:07:52,404
What else can you do
with your bees?

212
00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:53,654
Leslie, what's your next prank?

213
00:07:53,689 --> 00:07:54,854
Ooh.

214
00:07:54,906 --> 00:07:56,821
Leslie, Grant Larson
is on the phone

215
00:07:56,855 --> 00:07:58,154
from the National Park Service.

216
00:07:58,188 --> 00:07:59,487
I cannot meet with him
right now.

217
00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:00,804
We are in crisis mode, okay?

218
00:08:00,822 --> 00:08:02,938
Larry, just tell him
I need to reschedule

219
00:08:02,972 --> 00:08:04,905
because I am trying
to fix my bee hole disaster.

220
00:08:04,939 --> 00:08:06,521
- Okeydokey.
- Wait! No, wait!

221
00:08:06,572 --> 00:08:08,271
No!
Larry, don't tell him that.

222
00:08:08,305 --> 00:08:09,905
Don't mention my bee hole.

223
00:08:09,939 --> 00:08:11,738
Just as we suspected, John.

224
00:08:11,772 --> 00:08:13,971
We repaired
the valve stem seal,

225
00:08:13,989 --> 00:08:15,971
and now all that remains
is to tighten down

226
00:08:15,989 --> 00:08:18,404
this packing nut.

227
00:08:18,438 --> 00:08:20,321
And... that should do it.

228
00:08:20,355 --> 00:08:21,688
Can we help you?

229
00:08:21,739 --> 00:08:24,654
No. We have everything
under control.

230
00:08:24,689 --> 00:08:26,470
My crew's redoing
this whole floor.

231
00:08:26,488 --> 00:08:28,304
We're the only people
allowed up here right now.

232
00:08:28,322 --> 00:08:31,154
Well, proceed with your work.
You won't notice us at all.

233
00:08:32,522 --> 00:08:33,854
We're gonna be kinda loud.

234
00:08:33,906 --> 00:08:36,821
My son is several weeks old.

235
00:08:36,855 --> 00:08:39,104
He's quite familiar
with the sound of power tools.

236
00:08:40,906 --> 00:08:43,971
Okay, how about this one...
Lasik for fingernails?

237
00:08:43,989 --> 00:08:46,804
Cut your fingernails once,
never have to cut 'em again.

238
00:08:46,822 --> 00:08:48,971
All we need
is a complicated laser

239
00:08:48,989 --> 00:08:50,404
I have no idea how to build.

240
00:08:50,438 --> 00:08:52,854
- Seems impossible.
- All right.

241
00:08:52,906 --> 00:08:56,187
Uh-oh! "Saltweens!"
Saltines for tweens.

242
00:08:56,238 --> 00:08:58,487
Seems... unnecessary?

243
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:00,988
The only business idea I have

244
00:09:01,022 --> 00:09:02,654
that's even remotely
fleshed out is a restaurant.

245
00:09:02,689 --> 00:09:03,938
No way.

246
00:09:03,972 --> 00:09:05,471
Restaurants
were ranked number one

247
00:09:05,505 --> 00:09:08,021
in Accounting Magazine's
"Riskiest Businesses" issue.

248
00:09:08,071 --> 00:09:10,230
That was their last issue
before they folded, actually.

249
00:09:10,238 --> 00:09:11,521
Magazines are also very risky.

250
00:09:11,572 --> 00:09:12,854
I can't believe
an angel investor

251
00:09:12,906 --> 00:09:14,137
floated down from the heavens,

252
00:09:14,155 --> 00:09:15,571
and I don't even have
anything to pitch him.

253
00:09:15,605 --> 00:09:17,487
Come on, you must've had
one good business idea.

254
00:09:17,522 --> 00:09:18,988
You're 52 years old!

255
00:09:19,021 --> 00:09:21,437
No, I'm not.
But I do have an idea.

256
00:09:21,471 --> 00:09:22,738
It's air-tight.

257
00:09:22,772 --> 00:09:24,738
But I have to warn you,
it's not super sexy.

258
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:27,321
- What is it?
- Okay, listen up.

259
00:09:27,355 --> 00:09:30,070
You would be the middleman
between dry cleaners

260
00:09:30,105 --> 00:09:32,688
and the companies
that sell chemicals...

261
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:34,437
to dry cleaners.

262
00:09:34,471 --> 00:09:36,821
- Wow!
- Right?

263
00:09:36,855 --> 00:09:40,738
You're right, man.
That is not sexy.

264
00:09:40,772 --> 00:09:42,437
Leslie Knope's little stunt

265
00:09:42,471 --> 00:09:44,187
put three people
in the hospital.

266
00:09:44,238 --> 00:09:46,854
This bee incident
is just the latest assault

267
00:09:46,906 --> 00:09:48,905
coming from the Pawnee side
of this merger.

268
00:09:48,939 --> 00:09:51,470
Mike Patterson is Eagleton's
most tenacious reporter.

269
00:09:51,488 --> 00:09:52,838
When he sinks his teeth
into something,

270
00:09:52,872 --> 00:09:54,237
he's like a dog with a bone!

271
00:09:54,272 --> 00:09:55,571
Oh, my God!

272
00:09:55,605 --> 00:09:56,971
You can't lean in to whisper
and then yell.

273
00:09:56,988 --> 00:09:58,104
That's not fair.

274
00:09:58,138 --> 00:09:59,905
This merger is so fragile,

275
00:09:59,939 --> 00:10:01,237
everyone is on edge,

276
00:10:01,272 --> 00:10:02,971
and no one is talking
about the unity concert.

277
00:10:02,988 --> 00:10:04,688
Why would anybody think
that was a prank?

278
00:10:04,739 --> 00:10:06,104
So sad.
People will believe anything.

279
00:10:06,138 --> 00:10:07,297
It was a prank though, right?

280
00:10:07,305 --> 00:10:08,854
No more press, okay?

281
00:10:08,906 --> 00:10:10,688
You just have to lay low
for a while.

282
00:10:10,739 --> 00:10:12,354
I promise it'll all blow over.

283
00:10:12,405 --> 00:10:14,688
April, your competence
and your levelheadedness

284
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:16,854
is very moving to me,
and I will follow your advice

285
00:10:16,906 --> 00:10:18,271
right after
I go to the hospital

286
00:10:18,305 --> 00:10:19,738
and apologize to every victim
in person.

287
00:10:19,772 --> 00:10:21,938
- Fine, but no cameras.
- Fine, I won't bring any.

288
00:10:21,971 --> 00:10:24,938
Aghh! I can't handle
all this fighting.

289
00:10:24,971 --> 00:10:26,905
It's like Thanksgiving 2004
all over again!

290
00:10:26,939 --> 00:10:28,854
Don't even ask!

291
00:10:28,906 --> 00:10:31,321
Somebody follow me,
I'm distraught!

292
00:10:31,355 --> 00:10:34,637
Who's a big guy?

293
00:10:34,655 --> 00:10:35,905
Man, forget about working.

294
00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:38,571
I just wanna stare
at this baby all day.

295
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:41,237
What is the nature
of your work on this floor?

296
00:10:41,272 --> 00:10:43,637
Total redo... new floors,
fixtures, plumbing.

297
00:10:43,655 --> 00:10:45,070
How long will it take?

298
00:10:45,105 --> 00:10:46,970
Six to eight weeks.

299
00:10:46,988 --> 00:10:48,271
Deal.

300
00:10:48,305 --> 00:10:51,137
I will do all this work for you
in the time allotted.

301
00:10:51,155 --> 00:10:53,404
Just have your tools
and materials brought up here.

302
00:10:53,438 --> 00:10:54,637
Are you crazy?

303
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:56,093
This is enough work
for a whole crew.

304
00:10:56,105 --> 00:10:57,504
I'm sure the government
believed you

305
00:10:57,522 --> 00:10:59,070
when you told them that,

306
00:10:59,105 --> 00:11:02,804
and I tip my cap to you for
profiting off their ignoe.

307
00:11:02,822 --> 00:11:04,905
But I'm offering you
two months paid vacation

308
00:11:04,938 --> 00:11:08,154
and the ability to take credit
for my work,

309
00:11:08,188 --> 00:11:10,987
which will be flawless.

310
00:11:11,021 --> 00:11:15,321
Okay.
Guys, let's go!

311
00:11:15,355 --> 00:11:17,271
I got all help I'll need
right here.

312
00:11:18,638 --> 00:11:20,604
Okay, this is
the really exciting part.

313
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:24,187
We buy tetrachloroethylene
at $1.60 a gallon,

314
00:11:24,238 --> 00:11:26,521
but we sell it back
at 2.38 a gallon.

315
00:11:26,572 --> 00:11:28,104
Now I know
what you're thinking.

316
00:11:28,138 --> 00:11:31,020
What if it's a cleaner
who wants to buy glycol ethers?

317
00:11:31,071 --> 00:11:33,104
Ben, stop!

318
00:11:33,138 --> 00:11:34,637
This is so boring!

319
00:11:34,655 --> 00:11:35,970
This is like listening
to a TED talk

320
00:11:35,988 --> 00:11:37,154
by the color beige.

321
00:11:37,188 --> 00:11:39,904
Look, I know this idea
doesn't excite you.

322
00:11:39,938 --> 00:11:42,237
But I promise it'll make you
a lot of money.

323
00:11:42,272 --> 00:11:44,970
Well, I sold tons
of awesome stuff.

324
00:11:44,988 --> 00:11:46,354
Guess it makes sense
my next challenge

325
00:11:46,405 --> 00:11:48,688
is to sell something
mind-numbingly dull.

326
00:11:48,739 --> 00:11:50,637
Dull?

327
00:11:50,655 --> 00:11:53,771
Does this look dull to you?

328
00:11:53,805 --> 00:11:56,104
Ahhhh.

329
00:11:56,138 --> 00:11:58,154
I'm so incredibly sorry.

330
00:11:58,188 --> 00:12:00,354
That's very kind of you,
Ms. Knope.

331
00:12:00,405 --> 00:12:02,637
I hope you look a lot
less gross very soon.

332
00:12:04,021 --> 00:12:05,437
Hey!

333
00:12:05,471 --> 00:12:08,821
Thanks for coming, Knope.
I knew we were besties.

334
00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,773
What do you got in there for me,
some dirty mags?

335
00:12:10,805 --> 00:12:13,304
No! These gift baskets
are for innocent victims...

336
00:12:13,322 --> 00:12:15,104
not for jerks who got stung

337
00:12:15,138 --> 00:12:16,688
because they were laughing
at other people's pain.

338
00:12:16,739 --> 00:12:17,853
Whatever.

339
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,470
Got a lotta filth
in my kindle anyway.

340
00:12:19,488 --> 00:12:21,104
We can just hang.

341
00:12:21,138 --> 00:12:23,070
- Wanna come up?
- What?

342
00:12:23,105 --> 00:12:24,137
- We gotta get this.
- Roll camera.

343
00:12:24,155 --> 00:12:25,853
Tell me when.
Is my hair okay?

344
00:12:25,905 --> 00:12:27,321
We good?

345
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:29,321
Welcome to Eagleton Now,
with Mike Patterson.

346
00:12:29,355 --> 00:12:31,271
We're live
ambushing Leslie Knope

347
00:12:31,305 --> 00:12:33,304
who's in the middle
of a crass publicity stunt,

348
00:12:33,322 --> 00:12:34,887
shoving cameras cameras
into the faces

349
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,521
of these poor, injured victims.

350
00:12:36,572 --> 00:12:39,521
These are your cameras.
This is not a publicity stunt.

351
00:12:39,572 --> 00:12:41,354
I just came here by myself

352
00:12:41,405 --> 00:12:43,654
to apologize to all
the Eagletonians who got stung.

353
00:12:43,689 --> 00:12:46,571
Really? Because all we see
is you talking to your friend,

354
00:12:46,605 --> 00:12:49,237
known Eagleton hater
Jeremy Jamm.

355
00:12:49,272 --> 00:12:51,404
Excuse me, Mike.
That's, uh, best friend.

356
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,437
Pawneeans and Eagletonians
need to find a way

357
00:12:53,471 --> 00:12:55,654
to come together
and bury the hatchet.

358
00:12:55,689 --> 00:12:57,803
It doesn't matter
who bailed out who,

359
00:12:57,821 --> 00:12:59,521
or who seceded from you.

360
00:12:59,572 --> 00:13:00,904
Awesome idea, Lezzie.

361
00:13:00,938 --> 00:13:04,004
As a matter of fact I say
we should secede from Eagleton!

362
00:13:04,038 --> 00:13:06,538
Whose dumb-ass idea was it
for them to merge anyway?

363
00:13:06,572 --> 00:13:07,954
Mine. It was my idea.

364
00:13:08,005 --> 00:13:09,287
You heard it here first.

365
00:13:09,338 --> 00:13:11,671
Self-proclaimed dumb-ass
Leslie Knope

366
00:13:11,705 --> 00:13:13,254
and councilman Jeremy Jamm

367
00:13:13,288 --> 00:13:15,204
are spearheading
a Pawnee secession movement.

368
00:13:15,238 --> 00:13:17,087
And I, for one, am sick of it.

369
00:13:17,121 --> 00:13:18,903
All right, you know what,
Eagleton, enough!

370
00:13:18,921 --> 00:13:20,204
Get these cameras outta here!

371
00:13:20,238 --> 00:13:22,371
Don't touch my camera,
you Pawnee animal!

372
00:13:22,405 --> 00:13:23,704
Name-calling, huh?

373
00:13:23,738 --> 00:13:25,120
Classy move, douche bag.

374
00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:26,504
Oh! All right.

375
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:28,037
Is that how you wanna play?

376
00:13:28,071 --> 00:13:30,087
- Yeah! Come on!
- No fighting in a hospital.

377
00:13:30,121 --> 00:13:31,760
There shouldn't be
fighting in a hospital!

378
00:13:31,788 --> 00:13:33,120
Wish I had my ninja stars!

379
00:13:33,171 --> 00:13:36,371
Oh, my God!
What's happening?

380
00:13:36,405 --> 00:13:37,621
Oh!

381
00:13:37,672 --> 00:13:39,675
Mother... puncher!

382
00:13:41,273 --> 00:13:43,220
Hey, girl.
What up?

383
00:13:43,460 --> 00:13:44,380
What are you wearing?

384
00:13:44,421 --> 00:13:46,375
It's to distract people
from my black eye.

385
00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:48,208
See?
It's working.

386
00:13:48,259 --> 00:13:52,442
Cool. Um...
well, there is some good news.

387
00:13:52,476 --> 00:13:56,158
That Mike Patterson guy's show
just aired, everyone is angry,

388
00:13:56,193 --> 00:13:58,375
and Jamm is introducing
a secession bill

389
00:13:58,426 --> 00:13:59,705
at the next
city council meeting.

390
00:13:59,710 --> 00:14:01,409
- How is any of that good news?
- It's not.

391
00:14:01,443 --> 00:14:03,542
I just wanted you to have
a brief moment of happiness

392
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:04,709
before you got sadder.

393
00:14:04,759 --> 00:14:07,509
Those jerks that hate the merger
are a minority.

394
00:14:07,543 --> 00:14:09,421
They're just shouting louder
than everyone else.

395
00:14:09,426 --> 00:14:12,925
I'm sorry this town keeps being
stupid and letting you down.

396
00:14:12,959 --> 00:14:14,092
It sucks.

397
00:14:14,126 --> 00:14:15,709
It's okay, April.
It's fine.

398
00:14:15,759 --> 00:14:16,958
You know, it's a challenge.

399
00:14:16,992 --> 00:14:21,092
It's just like a big, fun...

400
00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:22,824
stinking turd nugget.
It sucks.

401
00:14:22,842 --> 00:14:24,158
You're right, everything sucks.

402
00:14:24,176 --> 00:14:26,675
Everything I try
with this merger backfires.

403
00:14:26,710 --> 00:14:29,875
I wonder what other
excellent surprise lies in store

404
00:14:29,926 --> 00:14:31,342
for Leslie Knope.

405
00:14:31,376 --> 00:14:33,374
Leslie, Grant Larson
from the National Park Service

406
00:14:33,376 --> 00:14:34,658
is here for your meeting.

407
00:14:34,676 --> 00:14:35,875
Excellent.

408
00:14:35,926 --> 00:14:38,342
Now I shall meet
with a very important person

409
00:14:38,376 --> 00:14:40,375
whilst sporting
a gruesome shiner.

410
00:14:40,426 --> 00:14:42,208
Hey, you're also wearing
a tie-dye t-shirt.

411
00:14:42,259 --> 00:14:45,375
Oh, yes! I am!

412
00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:47,008
Wonderful!

413
00:14:47,042 --> 00:14:48,342
Mitch!
Thanks for meeting me.

414
00:14:48,376 --> 00:14:49,509
My pleasure.

415
00:14:49,543 --> 00:14:51,824
It's not often
that I see someone

416
00:14:51,842 --> 00:14:54,208
with your sparkle and passion.

417
00:14:54,259 --> 00:14:56,258
That's what makes
businesses work...

418
00:14:56,293 --> 00:14:57,625
passion!

419
00:14:57,659 --> 00:15:00,342
So, Mr. Haverford,
let's get to it.

420
00:15:00,376 --> 00:15:03,592
What idea
are you passionate about?

421
00:15:05,209 --> 00:15:08,658
I've got two words for you...

422
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,092
"Tom's Bistro,"

423
00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:12,958
an old-fashioned,
old-world Italian restaurant.

424
00:15:12,992 --> 00:15:15,925
Classy, authentic ambience
in a small-town setting.

425
00:15:15,959 --> 00:15:17,325
Why does that say

426
00:15:17,343 --> 00:15:20,008
"dry cleaning chemical
transactional holding company?"

427
00:15:20,042 --> 00:15:23,041
Ben! You brought
the wrong easel. God!

428
00:15:23,093 --> 00:15:25,791
Can't take this guy anywhere.
Let me paint you a picture.

429
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:27,592
Oh, Mr. Larson, I'm sorry.

430
00:15:27,626 --> 00:15:30,092
I had to reschedule.
It's been kind of a hectic week.

431
00:15:30,126 --> 00:15:31,625
- What happened to your face?
- It doesn't matter.

432
00:15:31,658 --> 00:15:34,459
I would like to apply
to turn some of our new land

433
00:15:34,493 --> 00:15:35,925
into a national park.

434
00:15:35,959 --> 00:15:37,542
I read your request,
Ms. Knope,

435
00:15:37,593 --> 00:15:40,041
and I'm sorry,
but we can't make that happen.

436
00:15:40,093 --> 00:15:41,492
Great.

437
00:15:41,510 --> 00:15:43,824
Well, this week just keeps
getting better and better.

438
00:15:43,842 --> 00:15:45,958
Thank you for coming by
and plunging a dagger

439
00:15:45,992 --> 00:15:48,008
into my already-bleeding
corpse.

440
00:15:48,042 --> 00:15:50,991
I came here
because I wanted to meet you.

441
00:15:51,009 --> 00:15:53,425
I've actually wanted to meet you
since before you called me.

442
00:15:53,460 --> 00:15:55,425
- Really? You know who I am?
- Yes.

443
00:15:55,460 --> 00:15:57,875
You're the person
who wrote this.

444
00:15:57,926 --> 00:16:00,041
You read my proposal
to clean up the Pawnee river?

445
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,425
I wrote this two years ago.

446
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,875
Got shuffled around
in interior for a year and half.

447
00:16:03,926 --> 00:16:07,041
Liam Bonneville actually used it
to humiliate staffers, but...

448
00:16:07,093 --> 00:16:09,459
he's kind of a bad boy.

449
00:16:09,493 --> 00:16:10,875
Liam B...

450
00:16:10,926 --> 00:16:13,125
- You don't have to tell me!
- This report is legendary.

451
00:16:13,126 --> 00:16:14,841
It's easily
the most thoroughly research

452
00:16:14,876 --> 00:16:17,425
and passionate grant request
I've ever seen.

453
00:16:18,675 --> 00:16:20,925
Wow, you have no idea
how meaningful it is

454
00:16:20,959 --> 00:16:22,258
to hear you say that.

455
00:16:22,293 --> 00:16:23,624
But you're a little late.

456
00:16:23,658 --> 00:16:25,175
The river cleanup's
well underway.

457
00:16:25,209 --> 00:16:27,342
This is bigger
than the river cleanup.

458
00:16:27,376 --> 00:16:29,041
We're opening a new office
in Chicago.

459
00:16:29,093 --> 00:16:30,509
I spent the last few weeks

460
00:16:30,543 --> 00:16:31,925
reading about you
and your career

461
00:16:31,959 --> 00:16:33,708
and I think that you're
the perfect person to run it.

462
00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:36,591
Leslie, would you like
to run a branch

463
00:16:36,625 --> 00:16:38,657
of the National Park Service?

464
00:16:40,393 --> 00:16:42,674
Tom's Bistro will have
all the classic elements,

465
00:16:42,709 --> 00:16:44,041
but with modern twists...

466
00:16:44,093 --> 00:16:46,791
an oak bar, live music,

467
00:16:46,825 --> 00:16:49,242
and Sunday brunch
with scrambled eggs so fluffy

468
00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:51,258
they'll be like little pillows
for your bacon.

469
00:16:51,293 --> 00:16:53,875
Bacon pillows.
I like the sound of that.

470
00:16:53,926 --> 00:16:55,258
But I have to say,

471
00:16:55,293 --> 00:16:56,708
restaurants
are incredibly risky.

472
00:16:56,759 --> 00:17:00,158
Most of them
are dead on arrival.

473
00:17:00,176 --> 00:17:02,375
We're well-aware of that,

474
00:17:02,426 --> 00:17:04,674
but believe me,
Tom has thought this out.

475
00:17:04,709 --> 00:17:06,674
See, there's plenty
of real estate available

476
00:17:06,709 --> 00:17:09,041
in the old Eagleton
part of town.

477
00:17:09,093 --> 00:17:11,459
And with the recent closures,
there's massive demand

478
00:17:11,493 --> 00:17:15,092
for affordable dining
that feels high-end.

479
00:17:15,126 --> 00:17:17,509
Okay!

480
00:17:17,542 --> 00:17:19,925
As long as you're running,
I'm in.

481
00:17:19,959 --> 00:17:21,791
Amazing!

482
00:17:21,825 --> 00:17:23,041
Hey, kid...

483
00:17:23,093 --> 00:17:25,325
your boss here
sure knows his stuff.

484
00:17:31,959 --> 00:17:33,958
Ron.
What are you doing here?

485
00:17:33,992 --> 00:17:36,092
The most important
government work I've ever done...

486
00:17:36,126 --> 00:17:38,657
sanding rat urine stains
out of this floor.

487
00:17:38,675 --> 00:17:40,092
What are you doing here?

488
00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:41,841
I come here to think sometimes.

489
00:17:41,876 --> 00:17:43,624
By myself.

490
00:17:43,658 --> 00:17:45,958
- But now that you're here...
- Damn it.

491
00:17:45,992 --> 00:17:47,459
I am going to speak to you
very vaguely

492
00:17:47,493 --> 00:17:48,958
about a problem that I have,

493
00:17:48,992 --> 00:17:51,541
and you cannot ask me any
questions or details about it.

494
00:17:51,592 --> 00:17:54,958
That is my ideal conversation,
aside from no conversation.

495
00:17:54,992 --> 00:17:56,425
But that feels unlikely.

496
00:17:56,460 --> 00:17:58,824
Look, you know how much
I love Pawnee.

497
00:17:58,842 --> 00:18:02,008
But the more I try to fix it
the more people fight me.

498
00:18:02,042 --> 00:18:04,008
They call me names,
they recall me,

499
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:05,991
they try to kill the merger.

500
00:18:06,009 --> 00:18:08,375
They literally punch me
in the face.

501
00:18:08,426 --> 00:18:11,541
And yet every time
I contemplate leaving,

502
00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:15,459
just walking away
once and for all,

503
00:18:15,492 --> 00:18:17,958
I just can't do it.

504
00:18:17,992 --> 00:18:22,657
What is wrong with me?

505
00:18:22,675 --> 00:18:25,491
Yesterday, I fixed
that old steam radiator.

506
00:18:25,509 --> 00:18:27,791
Threaded a new valve
into the side,

507
00:18:27,825 --> 00:18:29,459
removed the handle
from the base,

508
00:18:29,492 --> 00:18:32,008
unscrewed the packing nut
from the stem.

509
00:18:32,042 --> 00:18:34,991
This subpar toolbox
only had one wrench,

510
00:18:35,009 --> 00:18:37,425
so I was lucky
it was a three-quarters

511
00:18:37,460 --> 00:18:38,708
or I'd have been screwed.

512
00:18:38,759 --> 00:18:40,425
Yeah, man, you are lucky.

513
00:18:40,459 --> 00:18:41,674
Come on, Ron.

514
00:18:41,709 --> 00:18:42,875
What the hell?
I need your help.

515
00:18:42,926 --> 00:18:44,674
By the time I was done,

516
00:18:44,709 --> 00:18:47,591
this 100-year-old piece
of American-made cast iron

517
00:18:47,625 --> 00:18:49,958
was singing like a bird.

518
00:18:49,992 --> 00:18:52,824
Now... to most people,
this story would seem boring.

519
00:18:52,842 --> 00:18:55,158
That's ridiculous.
It's a story about a radiator.

520
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:57,991
But to me,
it was immensely satisfying

521
00:18:58,009 --> 00:19:01,425
because I enjoy
fixing radiators.

522
00:19:01,459 --> 00:19:04,791
You like fixing this town,
Leslie, you always have.

523
00:19:04,825 --> 00:19:08,041
You know it's an uphill battle,
but you love the struggle.

524
00:19:08,093 --> 00:19:10,508
I would also add
that you've already done

525
00:19:10,542 --> 00:19:12,375
a hell of a lot
to make this town better,

526
00:19:12,426 --> 00:19:15,208
and people
like this young man here

527
00:19:15,259 --> 00:19:17,158
will benefit
from your hard work.

528
00:19:17,176 --> 00:19:19,541
- He is a beautiful boy.
- He's quite a looker.

529
00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:21,708
Thank you, Ron.

530
00:19:25,009 --> 00:19:26,375
- What's that?
- Nothing.

531
00:19:26,425 --> 00:19:29,175
Clearing my throat.

532
00:19:32,196 --> 00:19:34,308
I've been thinking about your offer.

533
00:19:35,206 --> 00:19:37,244
And I have to say I can't think
of one single reason

534
00:19:37,269 --> 00:19:38,401
not to take it.

535
00:19:38,435 --> 00:19:39,800
That's great!

536
00:19:39,818 --> 00:19:41,235
I'll start drawing up
the paperwork.

537
00:19:41,269 --> 00:19:43,434
I'm sorry, I meant...

538
00:19:43,468 --> 00:19:45,351
because I can think
of a lot of reasons

539
00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:46,634
not to take it.

540
00:19:46,652 --> 00:19:49,800
Okay, wow, that's very
misleading phraseology.

541
00:19:49,818 --> 00:19:51,184
I'm sorry.

542
00:19:51,236 --> 00:19:53,101
It's an amazing offer
and I'm very interested,

543
00:19:53,135 --> 00:19:55,601
but if I'm going
to leave Pawnee...

544
00:19:55,635 --> 00:19:57,601
I need to know
it's gonna be okay without me.

545
00:19:57,635 --> 00:20:01,151
And I won't know until I finish
what I've started.

546
00:20:01,185 --> 00:20:02,601
When do you need your answer?

547
00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:04,517
Well, the gears
of federal government

548
00:20:04,568 --> 00:20:06,800
grind pretty slowly,
so you have a little time.

549
00:20:06,818 --> 00:20:10,235
But we can't wait forever.
I'll be in touch.

550
00:20:10,269 --> 00:20:12,318
Great. Thank you.

551
00:20:12,352 --> 00:20:14,101
That's not your hand.
Here it is.

552
00:20:14,135 --> 00:20:16,934
Sorry, my depth perception
is totally screwed up.

553
00:20:16,968 --> 00:20:19,268
Really happy that worked out
for you, Tom,

554
00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:21,734
but you kinda sold me out
back there.

555
00:20:21,768 --> 00:20:23,235
I know, and I'm sorry.

556
00:20:23,269 --> 00:20:26,018
But Mitch asked me
what I was passionate about,

557
00:20:26,069 --> 00:20:28,134
and honestly
I'm never gonna be passionate

558
00:20:28,152 --> 00:20:29,484
about dry cleaning chemicals.

559
00:20:29,518 --> 00:20:30,984
To each his own, I guess.

560
00:20:31,019 --> 00:20:32,484
I know opening a restaurant
is risky,

561
00:20:32,518 --> 00:20:33,901
but I can make this work.

562
00:20:33,935 --> 00:20:35,601
I know I can!

563
00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:38,268
Then count me in
as the second investor

564
00:20:38,302 --> 00:20:39,517
in Tom's Bistro.

565
00:20:39,568 --> 00:20:40,651
Thanks, man.

566
00:20:40,685 --> 00:20:43,134
I know this is
a symbolic gesture,

567
00:20:43,168 --> 00:20:45,134
but my investor floor
is $1,000.

568
00:20:45,168 --> 00:20:46,667
So as of now,
you own zero shares.

569
00:20:46,685 --> 00:20:48,384
Cool!
Thanks for clearing that up.

570
00:20:48,435 --> 00:20:50,167
Now go do work,
or I will fire you.

571
00:20:50,185 --> 00:20:51,384
I'm not kidding.

572
00:20:51,435 --> 00:20:53,167
Yep!

573
00:20:55,002 --> 00:20:56,634
Oh, look, John.
It's red pine.

574
00:20:56,668 --> 00:20:59,350
They were gonna put
flecked linoleum

575
00:20:59,385 --> 00:21:02,400
over this beautifully preserved
knotty red pine.

576
00:21:02,435 --> 00:21:05,884
Most people in this world,
John, are ass.

577
00:21:05,935 --> 00:21:07,384
This is the best day
I've ever spent

578
00:21:07,435 --> 00:21:09,051
in a government building,

579
00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:11,301
and luckily my son
was here to share it with me.

580
00:21:11,335 --> 00:21:13,134
He now has that satisfied look

581
00:21:13,168 --> 00:21:16,333
that only comes
with the pride of labor.

582
00:21:16,351 --> 00:21:17,217
Or he pooped.

583
00:21:18,254 --> 00:21:21,117
Either way, well done, John.

584
00:21:22,016 --> 00:21:30,339
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com