1 00:00:00,307 --> 00:00:03,373 So what do we got so far? We need big-ticket items. 2 00:00:03,493 --> 00:00:04,692 I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers 3 00:00:04,693 --> 00:00:05,959 to send us a signed guitar. 4 00:00:05,993 --> 00:00:07,692 That's great, April. How'd you do that? 5 00:00:07,726 --> 00:00:10,492 It's a long story, but the short version is, 6 00:00:10,526 --> 00:00:12,925 I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis. 7 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,259 We're throwing a charity auction to raise money 8 00:00:15,292 --> 00:00:16,259 for the unity concert, 9 00:00:16,293 --> 00:00:18,126 and we're gonna need it too, 10 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,126 if I'm gonna perform Islands In the Stream 11 00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:22,492 with a Sacagawea hologram. 12 00:00:22,526 --> 00:00:24,259 Plus, we need lights, generators, 13 00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,925 microphones, water, that boring stuff too. 14 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,159 Why don't we put a pin in this? 15 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:29,925 'Cause we have to do that thing. 16 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,192 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, okay. 17 00:00:31,227 --> 00:00:32,425 - All right, yep. - Just, like... 18 00:00:32,459 --> 00:00:34,658 Everybody, keep working. We'll be back. 19 00:00:34,693 --> 00:00:38,092 Andy, hey, you haven't told anyone about the baby, right? 20 00:00:38,127 --> 00:00:41,825 No, but my brain is about to explode from stress. 21 00:00:41,860 --> 00:00:43,139 I am not good at keeping secrets. 22 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:44,825 That's exactly what I told Kyle when he told me 23 00:00:44,860 --> 00:00:46,059 his wife was cheating on him. 24 00:00:46,093 --> 00:00:48,792 - Andy, come on! - Ah! See? Oh! 25 00:00:48,826 --> 00:00:50,859 - Not cool, man. - Not him, not that Kyle. 26 00:00:50,893 --> 00:00:53,625 Okay, we are going to have a doctor's appointment, 27 00:00:53,660 --> 00:00:55,026 and then after that, we can probably tell people. 28 00:00:55,060 --> 00:00:56,291 So just hang in there, please. 29 00:00:56,326 --> 00:00:58,625 I can do this. People do this. People keep secrets. 30 00:00:58,660 --> 00:01:01,059 My neighbor Eric... he's kept a secret for 20 years. 31 00:01:01,093 --> 00:01:02,959 He's in Witness Protection. 32 00:01:02,993 --> 00:01:04,525 Okay. 33 00:01:07,559 --> 00:01:15,558 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 34 00:01:24,726 --> 00:01:26,992 - You wanted to see me? - Yes. 35 00:01:27,027 --> 00:01:30,792 I need to ask you for a... 36 00:01:30,826 --> 00:01:31,925 favor. 37 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:35,192 What? Ron Swanson asking for help? 38 00:01:35,226 --> 00:01:38,092 Keep your voice down, woman! 39 00:01:38,127 --> 00:01:41,059 Part of the unity concert is a youth revue 40 00:01:41,093 --> 00:01:42,859 about the history of Pawnee. 41 00:01:42,893 --> 00:01:45,026 They require volunteers, so I want you 42 00:01:45,060 --> 00:01:47,792 to come with me to my daughters'... 43 00:01:47,826 --> 00:01:50,225 public elementary school 44 00:01:50,259 --> 00:01:51,859 to help make costumes. 45 00:01:51,893 --> 00:01:53,692 The elementary school. 46 00:01:53,726 --> 00:01:55,925 I'll do you this solid, but you're gonna have 47 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,492 to keep an eye out for my ex-boyfriend Joe. 48 00:01:58,526 --> 00:02:01,092 He teaches music at that school, and he is a nightmare. 49 00:02:01,127 --> 00:02:03,425 - He's my Tammy. - Your Tammy? 50 00:02:03,459 --> 00:02:07,159 Donna, my two ex-wives are the worst people in the world. 51 00:02:07,192 --> 00:02:09,392 Tammy two once seduced a coroner 52 00:02:09,426 --> 00:02:11,358 and had me declared legally dead 53 00:02:11,393 --> 00:02:13,525 just so she could get a discount on a plane ticket. 54 00:02:13,559 --> 00:02:14,926 When I'm with Joe, 55 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:18,191 he turns me into a person I don't like or recognize. 56 00:02:18,226 --> 00:02:19,625 I go insane. 57 00:02:19,660 --> 00:02:23,258 All I'm asking is for you to keep him away from me. 58 00:02:23,293 --> 00:02:25,692 I understand this problem well 59 00:02:25,726 --> 00:02:29,659 and agree to this exchange of services. 60 00:02:29,693 --> 00:02:32,592 We need to raise a minimum of $30,000 61 00:02:32,626 --> 00:02:35,026 from the auction, or else the concert's gonna be in trouble. 62 00:02:35,060 --> 00:02:38,325 What else can we auction off? What about those fish? 63 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:40,792 Think they're valuable? Cover me. 64 00:02:40,826 --> 00:02:42,859 Maybe you should start taking it easy. 65 00:02:42,893 --> 00:02:45,926 You're stressing out for two now. 66 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,158 Hmm, that's actually a pretty decent t-shirt idea. 67 00:02:48,193 --> 00:02:50,325 Babe, I cannot slow down. 68 00:02:50,359 --> 00:02:51,692 The concert is in three weeks. 69 00:02:51,726 --> 00:02:53,926 Look, I feel fine, and if you're worried, 70 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,592 we can just ask Dr. Saperstein what he thinks. 71 00:02:56,626 --> 00:02:59,392 Someone say "Saperstein"? Come on, you two. 72 00:02:59,426 --> 00:03:02,325 Let's saddle you up and put some jelly on the belly. 73 00:03:02,359 --> 00:03:04,358 - He's a little weird. - Mm-hmm. 74 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:08,992 - Look at me! - Jeez. 75 00:03:09,027 --> 00:03:11,192 Okay, here's what's happening... I want to auction off 76 00:03:11,226 --> 00:03:13,092 a personalized Johnny Karate song tomorrow, 77 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,759 so I need you to come to the auction. 78 00:03:14,793 --> 00:03:16,059 Auction? 79 00:03:16,093 --> 00:03:17,525 Okay, yeah. Let me write that down. 80 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,792 Andy, you already have three Johnny Karate shows tomorrow. 81 00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:22,625 No, not according to my file here. 82 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:25,125 Oh, I forgot, other hand. Crap. 83 00:03:25,159 --> 00:03:26,859 Okay, we need a better system. 84 00:03:26,893 --> 00:03:29,392 Look, I'll just write down an itinerary for you, 85 00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:30,692 so you can just focus on songs. 86 00:03:30,726 --> 00:03:32,458 Okay, well, you have to catalog all this stuff. 87 00:03:32,493 --> 00:03:33,759 I mean, this is hours' worth of work. 88 00:03:33,793 --> 00:03:35,258 What is that? "Don't tell secret"? 89 00:03:35,293 --> 00:03:36,859 Oh, no, that's not one. 90 00:03:36,893 --> 00:03:39,026 Andy, if you have a secret, you have to tell me. 91 00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:40,091 That's the whole point of marriage. 92 00:03:40,126 --> 00:03:41,358 You get twice the secrets. 93 00:03:41,393 --> 00:03:44,459 Dude, it is nothing. I don't have anything. 94 00:03:44,493 --> 00:03:45,592 I'm not acting weird. 95 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:47,525 You're acting weird. Excuse me. 96 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:51,125 I have to get back to work now. 97 00:03:56,126 --> 00:03:57,091 What are you doing? 98 00:03:57,126 --> 00:03:58,492 I'm getting a picture of you 99 00:03:58,526 --> 00:04:00,525 volunteering at a public elementary school 100 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,859 in case I ever need to blackmail you. 101 00:04:03,893 --> 00:04:05,125 That's Joe, 12:00. 102 00:04:05,159 --> 00:04:07,358 Donna, how are you? 103 00:04:07,393 --> 00:04:09,959 - It's really nice to see you. - Mm-hmm. 104 00:04:09,993 --> 00:04:11,225 Thank you so much for helping out. 105 00:04:11,259 --> 00:04:13,659 These kids are so lucky to have your fashion expertise. 106 00:04:13,693 --> 00:04:16,559 Hello, Joe. My name is Ron Swanson. 107 00:04:16,593 --> 00:04:18,692 I am Donna's work-proximity associate. 108 00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:21,792 Oh, my gosh, Donna has told me so much about you. 109 00:04:21,827 --> 00:04:23,759 It's nice to put a face to the name. 110 00:04:23,793 --> 00:04:25,659 Mm-hmm. 111 00:04:25,693 --> 00:04:28,459 Well, I gotta get back to my classroom. 112 00:04:28,493 --> 00:04:30,759 It's a pleasure to meet you, Ron. 113 00:04:30,793 --> 00:04:32,659 And if either of you guys need anything at all today, 114 00:04:32,693 --> 00:04:34,325 please do not hesitate to ask, okay? 115 00:04:34,359 --> 00:04:36,425 - I'm onto you, friend. - What? 116 00:04:36,460 --> 00:04:38,025 Tread lightly. 117 00:04:38,059 --> 00:04:40,058 Okay. 118 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,292 Now, Ben wants me to slow down, 119 00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:45,158 but I have this huge project coming up, 120 00:04:45,193 --> 00:04:48,358 and slowing down isn't really my jam. 121 00:04:48,393 --> 00:04:50,192 Your body is going through some changes, 122 00:04:50,226 --> 00:04:51,992 but you're a healthy gal, right, Leslie? 123 00:04:52,026 --> 00:04:54,425 There is no reason for you not to be yourself. 124 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:55,792 I win. 125 00:04:55,827 --> 00:04:58,025 - It wasn't a competition. - All right. 126 00:04:58,059 --> 00:04:59,926 Let's see what's going down in baby town. 127 00:05:01,293 --> 00:05:02,525 There's your healthy baby. 128 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,959 Oh, wow. 129 00:05:04,993 --> 00:05:07,525 Oh, and there's another one. 130 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,592 The baby has two bodies? 131 00:05:09,626 --> 00:05:12,358 Twins. Ben, we're having twins. 132 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,959 No, you're not, 'cause look who's hiding over here. 133 00:05:19,326 --> 00:05:21,991 Triplets? Triplets? 134 00:05:22,026 --> 00:05:24,192 And here's a fourth. I'm so sorry, no. 135 00:05:24,226 --> 00:05:25,826 It's a little fleck of cream cheese on the screen. 136 00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:28,092 Just triplets. 137 00:05:28,126 --> 00:05:30,425 Wow, you guys really dodged a bullet. 138 00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:33,158 Can you imagine raising four children at one time? 139 00:05:33,193 --> 00:05:35,792 Ha, a nightmare. 140 00:05:35,827 --> 00:05:39,404 - Triplets. - Triplets. 141 00:05:42,156 --> 00:05:43,371 I can't believe it. 142 00:05:43,423 --> 00:05:45,402 We knocked it out of the park on the first try. 143 00:05:45,522 --> 00:05:47,292 If we do this right, we can be parents 144 00:05:47,412 --> 00:05:49,411 to 1/3 of the supreme court! 145 00:05:49,445 --> 00:05:52,211 - This is insane. - This is amazing. 146 00:05:52,245 --> 00:05:53,811 I always knew we were one in a million, 147 00:05:53,846 --> 00:05:54,845 and now we got the proof! 148 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,945 Well, actually, one in 8,000. 149 00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:59,912 Triplets occur a lot more frequently than you imagine, 150 00:05:59,945 --> 00:06:01,178 - especially at your age. - Oh. 151 00:06:01,212 --> 00:06:04,598 Your body is prone to releasing multiple eggs. 152 00:06:04,718 --> 00:06:06,378 It's what we doctors like to call... 153 00:06:06,412 --> 00:06:08,158 and I don't mean to be insensitive... 154 00:06:08,356 --> 00:06:10,622 a going-out-of-business sale. 155 00:06:10,657 --> 00:06:13,689 So, doctor, um, what do we... 156 00:06:13,723 --> 00:06:16,689 like, what do we do? Like, what do we do? 157 00:06:16,723 --> 00:06:19,922 Um, how do we... how... how... how... 158 00:06:19,956 --> 00:06:21,984 how... what do we do? 159 00:06:22,104 --> 00:06:24,389 The first thing you do is, you forget everything 160 00:06:24,423 --> 00:06:26,255 that I said before because you, young lady, 161 00:06:26,290 --> 00:06:30,689 need a lot of rest and especially avoiding stress. 162 00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:33,155 Leslie, I need you to be Buddha on quaaludes, 163 00:06:33,190 --> 00:06:34,722 and, Ben, you are 164 00:06:34,757 --> 00:06:37,389 Matthew McConaughey in a hammock on the beach. 165 00:06:37,423 --> 00:06:40,888 All right, all right. All right. 166 00:06:40,923 --> 00:06:43,355 This is insane. Three kids? 167 00:06:43,390 --> 00:06:45,888 I just multiplied all our future expenses by three, 168 00:06:45,923 --> 00:06:47,222 and you know what happened? 169 00:06:47,256 --> 00:06:49,422 The numbers got a lot higher. 170 00:06:49,457 --> 00:06:51,455 I think I heard the computer laugh at me. 171 00:06:51,490 --> 00:06:53,856 And Saperstein wants us to relax? 172 00:06:53,889 --> 00:06:56,322 Are you ready to go, my gentle dove? 173 00:06:56,356 --> 00:07:00,222 Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing, 174 00:07:00,256 --> 00:07:02,255 and I love you. 175 00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:06,489 We are so screwed. 176 00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:10,756 Uh-oh. 177 00:07:10,790 --> 00:07:13,255 What did you do now, Joe? 178 00:07:13,290 --> 00:07:14,888 Thank you so much. 179 00:07:14,923 --> 00:07:16,823 We thought we were gonna have to tell Dylan 180 00:07:16,856 --> 00:07:18,456 that his doggie was gone forever. 181 00:07:18,490 --> 00:07:19,489 Oh, my gosh. 182 00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:21,322 Barbara, don't even mention it. 183 00:07:21,356 --> 00:07:23,689 Look, I hate it when my students are upset, 184 00:07:23,723 --> 00:07:25,855 so I just went out, driving around. 185 00:07:25,889 --> 00:07:27,255 I checked a few neighborhood parks. 186 00:07:27,290 --> 00:07:29,022 It took barely six hours. 187 00:07:29,056 --> 00:07:30,855 Oh, how can we ever repay you? 188 00:07:30,889 --> 00:07:33,022 No need. Would you like a muffin? 189 00:07:33,056 --> 00:07:35,089 I made them last night. 190 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,689 It's the best muffin I've ever had. 191 00:07:39,723 --> 00:07:41,155 You're welcome, guys. 192 00:07:41,190 --> 00:07:43,389 You're welcome. Oh. 193 00:07:45,156 --> 00:07:46,855 So whose birthday is it anyway? 194 00:07:46,889 --> 00:07:48,222 Oh, who knows? 195 00:07:48,256 --> 00:07:50,422 I got so many kids from different women, 196 00:07:50,457 --> 00:07:52,055 I just get all of their birthdays out of the way 197 00:07:52,090 --> 00:07:54,888 one day a year. 198 00:07:54,923 --> 00:07:56,522 Ladies. 199 00:07:56,557 --> 00:07:57,988 Okay, so when this ends, 200 00:07:58,023 --> 00:07:59,556 we have a half hour to get to the next party. 201 00:07:59,590 --> 00:08:01,622 That gives us 15 minutes of travel time 202 00:08:01,657 --> 00:08:03,974 and 15 minutes for you to take a wet-nap shower in the car. 203 00:08:03,989 --> 00:08:06,522 - Good, I need one. - Also, tell me your secret. 204 00:08:06,557 --> 00:08:09,422 Babe, don't make me tell. I don't wanna break my promise. 205 00:08:09,457 --> 00:08:11,656 Tell me now. 206 00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:13,355 Oh, jeez, this is heavy. Pardon me. 207 00:08:13,390 --> 00:08:15,322 It's about Larry. 208 00:08:15,357 --> 00:08:18,356 He is very sick. He has some kind of disease. 209 00:08:18,390 --> 00:08:21,855 Oh, so that's why you've been so nice to him 210 00:08:21,889 --> 00:08:23,255 and let him carry all your stuff. 211 00:08:23,290 --> 00:08:26,389 Yes, that's the reason. Good call, babe. 212 00:08:28,724 --> 00:08:30,389 Jeez. 213 00:08:30,423 --> 00:08:32,489 Poor guy. 214 00:08:32,523 --> 00:08:34,255 Hello, everyone. 215 00:08:34,290 --> 00:08:38,589 Thank you all for coming to this wonderful and calm event. 216 00:08:38,623 --> 00:08:43,189 Our first item up for bid is two all-access V.I.P. passes 217 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:44,356 to the unity concert. 218 00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:46,255 Let's start the bidding at $40. 219 00:08:46,290 --> 00:08:48,055 Do I hear 40? 220 00:08:48,090 --> 00:08:50,723 Thank you. 40. We can beat this. 50. 221 00:08:50,757 --> 00:08:53,089 Anyone for 50? $50. Thank you, sir. 222 00:08:53,123 --> 00:08:54,322 Terrific. 223 00:08:54,357 --> 00:08:56,822 Any higher? No? 224 00:08:56,856 --> 00:08:57,988 Well, that's fine. 225 00:08:58,023 --> 00:09:00,888 We're all just calm and happy people 226 00:09:00,923 --> 00:09:02,855 enjoying ourselves together on earth. 227 00:09:02,889 --> 00:09:05,922 Sold for $50. How magnificent. 228 00:09:05,956 --> 00:09:07,888 Leslie, that's less than face value. 229 00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:10,322 You need passion, zeal, showmanship. 230 00:09:10,357 --> 00:09:11,356 I don't have the gavel, so I'm powerless. 231 00:09:11,390 --> 00:09:13,155 I respect the hierarchy of the auction! 232 00:09:13,190 --> 00:09:14,489 I think Leslie's doing a great job. 233 00:09:14,523 --> 00:09:15,888 Thank you, Craig. Hey, are you doing all right? 234 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:16,955 - Yeah. - You want to do some tai chi? 235 00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:18,055 - No, I'm doing really fine. - Okay. 236 00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:20,089 Leslie is already the queen of stress, 237 00:09:20,123 --> 00:09:23,656 so I have to be like her stress shamwow. 238 00:09:23,690 --> 00:09:26,556 I wrap myself around her, I soak up all of her stress, 239 00:09:26,590 --> 00:09:27,788 and then after the kids are born, 240 00:09:27,823 --> 00:09:30,422 someone can squeeze me out into a bucket. 241 00:09:30,457 --> 00:09:31,755 - Ron! - Ron! 242 00:09:31,789 --> 00:09:32,822 Ron, play with us! 243 00:09:32,856 --> 00:09:34,256 - Okay. - Ron, play with us. 244 00:09:34,290 --> 00:09:36,189 Girls, Ron's got sharp tools now. 245 00:09:36,223 --> 00:09:37,888 - Oh, Ron! - Ladies. 246 00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:54,022 That was well played. 247 00:09:54,056 --> 00:09:57,322 Children their age respond positively to melody and rhyme. 248 00:09:57,357 --> 00:09:58,522 They are great girls. 249 00:09:58,557 --> 00:10:01,256 You must feel very lucky to be their stepdad. 250 00:10:01,290 --> 00:10:04,589 I do, indeed. 251 00:10:04,624 --> 00:10:05,989 If you'll excuse me, Joe, 252 00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:09,022 I have to finish hogging out the cheeks on these lap joints. 253 00:10:09,056 --> 00:10:12,189 Oh, maybe you could use this jig I made. 254 00:10:12,223 --> 00:10:13,623 It's just a hardwood clamping block 255 00:10:13,657 --> 00:10:15,022 connected to a small piece of hackberry. 256 00:10:15,056 --> 00:10:18,189 You could use it to locate your cuts for the inside shoulder... 257 00:10:18,223 --> 00:10:20,755 Without having to reset the fence. 258 00:10:20,789 --> 00:10:23,122 Exactly. 259 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:26,688 Muffin? 260 00:10:28,357 --> 00:10:30,356 Thirsty there, big guy? 261 00:10:30,390 --> 00:10:33,822 Well, jeez, yes. Thank you so much. 262 00:10:33,856 --> 00:10:36,222 Do you remember the time when you put sleeping pills 263 00:10:36,257 --> 00:10:38,222 in my soda? 264 00:10:38,257 --> 00:10:39,888 I fell right over in the middle of a town hall meeting. 265 00:10:39,923 --> 00:10:42,522 Mm, no. I don't remember that. 266 00:10:42,557 --> 00:10:46,356 You made a video of it and showed it at my birthday party. 267 00:10:46,390 --> 00:10:47,549 Yes, it went over really big. 268 00:10:47,557 --> 00:10:51,022 Well, I'm sorry. 269 00:10:51,056 --> 00:10:54,189 Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? 270 00:10:54,223 --> 00:10:55,422 That's very sweet. 271 00:10:55,457 --> 00:10:57,389 Yeah, um, I have got an itch 272 00:10:57,423 --> 00:10:58,889 that I have not been able to get to all day, 273 00:10:58,923 --> 00:11:01,089 and even against the wall, nothing will do it. 274 00:11:01,123 --> 00:11:03,089 - Would you mind doing that? - No, not at all. 275 00:11:03,123 --> 00:11:05,855 Just... if you could, like... okay, go up. 276 00:11:05,890 --> 00:11:08,356 Go up the back. 277 00:11:08,390 --> 00:11:09,389 Hey, Ben. 278 00:11:09,423 --> 00:11:12,855 Can I just please tell just April? 279 00:11:12,890 --> 00:11:14,622 I am hanging on by a thread over here. 280 00:11:14,656 --> 00:11:17,356 No, just... look, everyone's healthy and fine, 281 00:11:17,390 --> 00:11:19,089 but it's complicated. There's a lot going on. 282 00:11:19,123 --> 00:11:20,688 So just don't say anything to anyone 283 00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:22,289 about anything forever, okay? 284 00:11:24,257 --> 00:11:25,522 Andy? 285 00:11:25,557 --> 00:11:26,922 You can say "Okay." 286 00:11:26,956 --> 00:11:29,523 Okay. Bye. 287 00:11:29,557 --> 00:11:30,755 I didn't mean to say "Bye." 288 00:11:30,789 --> 00:11:33,222 Our next item up for bid is the naming rights 289 00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:34,922 for our children's tent, 290 00:11:34,956 --> 00:11:37,889 so let's start the bidding at $1,000, please. 291 00:11:37,923 --> 00:11:39,256 I'll bid 100 bucks. 292 00:11:39,290 --> 00:11:42,389 1,000? Anyone want to... 293 00:11:42,423 --> 00:11:44,122 Oh, thank you, madam. 294 00:11:44,156 --> 00:11:46,556 A very wealthy and elegant-looking woman 295 00:11:46,589 --> 00:11:48,289 with a diamond-encrusted eye patch just raised her hand. 296 00:11:48,323 --> 00:11:49,556 Don't look at her. 297 00:11:49,589 --> 00:11:51,456 She doesn't like attention, but she's there. 298 00:11:51,490 --> 00:11:54,788 She's real. So do I hear 2,000? 299 00:11:54,823 --> 00:11:57,422 Ooh, yeah, here we go. 300 00:11:57,457 --> 00:11:59,422 The sheik has thrown his hat into the ring. 301 00:11:59,457 --> 00:12:00,889 - Well... - There's no sheik. 302 00:12:00,923 --> 00:12:02,256 It looks like we've got a real bidding war between... 303 00:12:02,290 --> 00:12:03,889 There's no bidding war. No one's talking... 304 00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:05,256 - An elegant... - 'Cause there's no sheik, 305 00:12:05,290 --> 00:12:06,523 and there's no old lady with a diamond... 306 00:12:06,557 --> 00:12:07,889 what is it, a diamond eye patch? 307 00:12:07,923 --> 00:12:09,556 - 3,000, says the gentleman... - There's no 3,000. 308 00:12:09,589 --> 00:12:11,055 With the crazy hat and a monkey on his shoulder. 309 00:12:11,090 --> 00:12:13,588 - It's 100 bucks. It's my bid. - That is outrageous. 310 00:12:13,623 --> 00:12:14,955 That's the only bid out there right now. 311 00:12:14,990 --> 00:12:17,256 Naming rights for the kids' tent go to Jamm Orthodontics 312 00:12:17,290 --> 00:12:19,922 for 100 smackers. 313 00:12:19,956 --> 00:12:22,122 Now that is the steal of the day. 314 00:12:22,157 --> 00:12:23,755 I think it's going great. You want a head massage? 315 00:12:23,789 --> 00:12:25,555 Okay. 316 00:12:25,589 --> 00:12:28,755 So, um, Andy told me what's going on. 317 00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:30,755 Really? Oh. 318 00:12:30,789 --> 00:12:33,389 I was trying to keep it hush-hush. 319 00:12:33,423 --> 00:12:34,955 It's kind of embarrassing. 320 00:12:34,990 --> 00:12:37,722 Well, if you ever need to talk to anyone, I'm here for you. 321 00:12:37,756 --> 00:12:42,789 Or, like, you know, I'm here, standing near you. 322 00:12:42,823 --> 00:12:45,688 Well, earlier today, I was licking icing off of my finger, 323 00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:48,722 and then, boom, I swallow my wedding ring. 324 00:12:48,756 --> 00:12:50,754 And I wish I could say it was the first time, but... 325 00:12:50,756 --> 00:12:51,722 Wait, wait, wait. 326 00:12:51,756 --> 00:12:54,922 So you're not, like, dying? 327 00:12:54,956 --> 00:12:57,755 No, no, no, I mean, 328 00:12:57,790 --> 00:12:58,989 can it be painful? 329 00:12:59,023 --> 00:13:00,289 Sure, but the good news is, 330 00:13:00,323 --> 00:13:01,721 I've gotten very good at passing it. 331 00:13:01,723 --> 00:13:04,289 It's just a matter of getting out the old colander. 332 00:13:04,323 --> 00:13:06,222 Come on, Pearl, jump in. 333 00:13:06,257 --> 00:13:08,489 Don't make me pull the permits on your rental units. 334 00:13:08,523 --> 00:13:10,389 Hey, all the paperwork on those buildings 335 00:13:10,424 --> 00:13:11,655 are under my dog's name, 336 00:13:11,689 --> 00:13:13,688 so if you got a problem, take it up with Princess. 337 00:13:13,723 --> 00:13:16,322 Honey, why don't you take a whale-sounds break, okay? 338 00:13:16,357 --> 00:13:17,822 I'll finish this up. 339 00:13:17,856 --> 00:13:19,122 Guys, come on, now. 340 00:13:19,157 --> 00:13:21,688 This is signed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. 341 00:13:21,723 --> 00:13:24,222 Just think about all their great songs, 342 00:13:24,257 --> 00:13:25,822 covering everything from the culture 343 00:13:25,856 --> 00:13:27,222 of Southern California 344 00:13:27,257 --> 00:13:30,189 to drug use in Southern California. 345 00:13:30,223 --> 00:13:31,855 - I'll bid 30 bucks. - Okay. 346 00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:35,089 This is easily worth $500. Come on. 347 00:13:35,123 --> 00:13:36,555 Please, anyone. 348 00:13:36,589 --> 00:13:38,755 We're just trying to raise some money for this concert, 349 00:13:38,790 --> 00:13:41,389 - so no one gets stressed out. - Fine. 350 00:13:41,424 --> 00:13:45,688 50 and another win for Old Herman. 351 00:13:45,723 --> 00:13:46,889 Why would you erase the signatures? 352 00:13:46,923 --> 00:13:48,522 I'm more of a Jack Johnson guy. 353 00:13:48,556 --> 00:13:49,722 Okay, give it back. 354 00:13:49,756 --> 00:13:50,989 If you want it so bad, bid on it. 355 00:13:51,023 --> 00:13:53,488 I don't like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. 356 00:13:53,523 --> 00:13:55,322 It's not even the original lineup. 357 00:13:55,357 --> 00:13:56,522 Give it back! 358 00:13:56,556 --> 00:13:58,722 Ben! 359 00:13:58,756 --> 00:14:00,855 It's okay. I'm fine. Stay relaxed. 360 00:14:00,890 --> 00:14:02,423 Oh, my God, there's blood everywhere. 361 00:14:02,456 --> 00:14:04,688 Call a doctor! No, call a coroner! 362 00:14:04,723 --> 00:14:06,325 It just got insane! 363 00:14:09,035 --> 00:14:10,500 You have very weak hands. 364 00:14:10,534 --> 00:14:11,533 Why would you say that? 365 00:14:11,534 --> 00:14:13,067 Just making an observation. 366 00:14:13,101 --> 00:14:14,867 Poor Ben. 367 00:14:14,901 --> 00:14:17,933 You know the EMT said that if flea had sent you his bass, 368 00:14:17,968 --> 00:14:18,933 you could've lost a thumb. 369 00:14:18,968 --> 00:14:20,600 I'm totally fine, babe. 370 00:14:20,634 --> 00:14:23,767 Everything is a-okay coolio beans. 371 00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:25,800 - You want to meditate real quick? - No, we do not have time. 372 00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:28,800 We have a concert to save. Excuse me, he's feeling better. 373 00:14:28,834 --> 00:14:31,466 He can go, right, Ann? Damn it. 374 00:14:31,501 --> 00:14:32,700 I wonder if I'll ever stop doing that. 375 00:14:32,734 --> 00:14:35,300 Come on. 376 00:14:35,335 --> 00:14:37,967 I honestly don't care, but I'm just gonna say it. 377 00:14:38,001 --> 00:14:39,167 I like Joe. 378 00:14:39,201 --> 00:14:41,600 He's a nice man who's good with kids, 379 00:14:41,634 --> 00:14:43,401 and he seems to be smart and patient. 380 00:14:43,434 --> 00:14:45,633 I know. That's why he's my Tammy. 381 00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:47,234 I'm a social butterfly. 382 00:14:47,268 --> 00:14:50,000 When we're together, all we do is have sex, 383 00:14:50,035 --> 00:14:51,967 sit on the couch, eat homemade pasta, 384 00:14:52,001 --> 00:14:53,700 - have sex again. - Enough. 385 00:14:53,734 --> 00:14:55,500 He's constantly being respectful, 386 00:14:55,534 --> 00:14:59,000 wanting to spend time with me, trying to "connect" with me. 387 00:14:59,035 --> 00:15:01,500 It's a nightmare. I become boring. 388 00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:04,700 Live your life how you want, 389 00:15:04,734 --> 00:15:08,667 but don't confuse drama with happiness. 390 00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,466 So I've been talking to Larry, 391 00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:13,100 and he's definitely not dying. 392 00:15:13,135 --> 00:15:14,933 Technically, we're all dying, 393 00:15:14,968 --> 00:15:17,167 unless you choose the right grail. 394 00:15:17,201 --> 00:15:18,500 It's the dusty one. 395 00:15:18,534 --> 00:15:20,800 Andy, I was nice to Larry. 396 00:15:20,834 --> 00:15:23,301 I scratched his back. I had a conversation with him. 397 00:15:23,335 --> 00:15:25,234 It was horrible. How can you do that to me? 398 00:15:25,268 --> 00:15:28,400 Fine. I'll tell you the secret. 399 00:15:28,434 --> 00:15:30,466 - Ben's dog is dying. - Lie. 400 00:15:30,501 --> 00:15:33,533 Ben is dying... he has the same disease Larry has. 401 00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:34,833 - Leslie is dying. - No. 402 00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:36,134 - They're both dying. - No. 403 00:15:36,168 --> 00:15:38,167 I'm dying. 404 00:15:38,201 --> 00:15:40,301 - Chris and Ann are moving. - They already moved. 405 00:15:40,335 --> 00:15:44,667 They're moving again to China... town in France. 406 00:15:44,701 --> 00:15:46,134 - No! - Okay, fine. 407 00:15:46,168 --> 00:15:47,566 - Do you really want to know? - Yes. 408 00:15:47,601 --> 00:15:49,633 - Leslie is a spy. - No. 409 00:15:49,668 --> 00:15:51,228 Tom has something wrong with his butt. 410 00:15:51,235 --> 00:15:52,433 - Oh, my God. - What? 411 00:15:52,467 --> 00:15:53,833 Did you hear that? They need an encore. 412 00:15:53,868 --> 00:15:55,867 Honey, they want... the kids want an encore, I'm sorry. 413 00:15:55,901 --> 00:15:57,466 What song should we do? You wanna do Toots? 414 00:15:57,501 --> 00:15:59,934 I hope you don't mind, but I noticed that 415 00:15:59,968 --> 00:16:01,400 your right rear tire was a little flat, 416 00:16:01,434 --> 00:16:04,134 so I patched it, and I inflated it for you. 417 00:16:04,168 --> 00:16:06,034 But you're still gonna want to go to a garage 'cause I don't... 418 00:16:06,068 --> 00:16:07,700 - I like to do things. - Excuse me. 419 00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:10,400 Museums, opera, nightclubs. 420 00:16:10,434 --> 00:16:13,800 Sometimes I disappear for a day or two 'cause I'm fly-fishing 421 00:16:13,834 --> 00:16:15,667 or I'm at a Seattle Sounders game. 422 00:16:15,701 --> 00:16:18,500 I promise not to cheat on you 423 00:16:18,534 --> 00:16:22,767 if you promise not to try to pin me down too fast. 424 00:16:22,801 --> 00:16:25,100 I have no problem with that. 425 00:16:25,135 --> 00:16:27,366 You can take me to dinner Friday. 426 00:16:27,401 --> 00:16:29,767 I have only one request... 427 00:16:29,801 --> 00:16:32,500 that you wear that, uh, red thing. 428 00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:33,733 I'll wear that red thing 429 00:16:33,768 --> 00:16:38,700 when you deserve to see me in that red thing. 430 00:16:38,734 --> 00:16:41,433 Gotta go make some muffins. 431 00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,366 Okay, there's still plenty of ways 432 00:16:43,401 --> 00:16:45,267 to raise money for the concert, right? 433 00:16:45,301 --> 00:16:46,934 Maybe we'll win the lottery. 434 00:16:46,968 --> 00:16:48,267 I mean, hey, you're looking at a woman 435 00:16:48,301 --> 00:16:50,366 who just hit triple cherries in her uterus. 436 00:16:50,401 --> 00:16:51,767 We're screwed. 437 00:16:51,801 --> 00:16:53,600 No, we're not, we have three weeks until the concert. 438 00:16:53,634 --> 00:16:55,366 - It'll be fine. - No, not the concert. 439 00:16:55,401 --> 00:16:57,167 The triple cherries. 440 00:16:57,202 --> 00:16:58,720 I mean, of course it's the most amazing 441 00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:00,500 and wonderful thing to ever happen, 442 00:17:00,534 --> 00:17:01,833 but, okay, I am an accountant, 443 00:17:01,868 --> 00:17:05,134 and I am looking a cold, hard facts. 444 00:17:05,168 --> 00:17:09,366 Raising three kids is going to cost $2 million. 445 00:17:09,401 --> 00:17:11,100 Babe, our kids will be geniuses. 446 00:17:11,135 --> 00:17:12,466 They'll get scholarships. 447 00:17:12,501 --> 00:17:14,733 Half of my tuition was paid for 448 00:17:14,768 --> 00:17:17,700 by the Indiana scholarship for pretty blondes who like to read. 449 00:17:17,734 --> 00:17:20,767 It's now called the Virginia Woolf prize... different time. 450 00:17:20,801 --> 00:17:23,667 Leslie, I have been trying so hard not to stress you out, 451 00:17:23,701 --> 00:17:25,533 but we just spent our entire savings account 452 00:17:25,568 --> 00:17:28,000 on a trip to Paris. 453 00:17:28,035 --> 00:17:29,201 What were we thinking? 454 00:17:29,235 --> 00:17:30,834 We spent too much money on macaroons. 455 00:17:30,868 --> 00:17:32,034 Okay, honey... 456 00:17:32,068 --> 00:17:33,266 Okay, wait, what's the number for the Louvre? 457 00:17:33,301 --> 00:17:34,580 I mean, maybe I can get a refund. 458 00:17:34,601 --> 00:17:35,800 We barely looked at the Mona Lisa. 459 00:17:35,835 --> 00:17:37,800 Honey, can you just breathe for a second? 460 00:17:37,835 --> 00:17:38,834 Leslie, these numbers are going to determine everything 461 00:17:38,868 --> 00:17:39,834 for the rest of our lives! 462 00:17:39,868 --> 00:17:41,201 - Breathe. - I mean, 463 00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:42,466 maybe we should move because we could make more money, 464 00:17:42,501 --> 00:17:43,867 or maybe we should stay here 465 00:17:43,901 --> 00:17:45,500 because it's cheaper to live here than in Chicago. 466 00:17:45,534 --> 00:17:46,767 Oh, my God! 467 00:17:46,801 --> 00:17:48,201 I'm shamwowing all of your stress, 468 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:49,433 and there's no one here to wring me out. 469 00:17:49,468 --> 00:17:50,900 - Benjamin Wyatt... - I don't even know... 470 00:17:50,935 --> 00:17:54,734 The man of my dreams, the one that I love, shh. 471 00:17:54,768 --> 00:17:56,007 Leslie, we are in trouble here. 472 00:17:56,035 --> 00:17:57,533 We are in real trouble! 473 00:17:57,568 --> 00:17:59,667 - I'm so sorry. - What? 474 00:17:59,701 --> 00:18:02,134 You just look so crazy right now, but cute. 475 00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:06,000 You're always stressed out. How are you calm right now? 476 00:18:06,035 --> 00:18:08,167 Because I realized something. 477 00:18:08,201 --> 00:18:09,800 Everything that we have been through... 478 00:18:09,835 --> 00:18:12,767 the harvest festival, the election, the recall, 479 00:18:12,801 --> 00:18:14,433 the merger, Ann leaving, 480 00:18:14,467 --> 00:18:17,500 Larry changing his name for some stupid reason... 481 00:18:17,534 --> 00:18:21,867 all of it has just been preparation for this. 482 00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:25,433 I am immune to stress because I have you. 483 00:18:27,334 --> 00:18:29,967 Come on. I have an idea. 484 00:18:33,816 --> 00:18:36,415 Ron is King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest. 485 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,982 Much obliged. 486 00:18:39,016 --> 00:18:41,848 So I'm going to dinner with Joe next week. 487 00:18:41,883 --> 00:18:43,581 Glad to hear it. 488 00:18:43,616 --> 00:18:44,581 It's always nice to see someone 489 00:18:44,616 --> 00:18:45,915 actually change for the better. 490 00:18:45,949 --> 00:18:48,248 Yes, Joe seems like a good man, 491 00:18:48,282 --> 00:18:50,348 but at this point, I'm done talking about him. 492 00:18:50,382 --> 00:18:51,915 I was talking about you. 493 00:18:51,949 --> 00:18:53,882 Your family has made you a more patient 494 00:18:53,916 --> 00:18:55,748 and empathetic person. 495 00:18:55,783 --> 00:18:58,115 - You take that back. - Come on, Swanson. 496 00:18:58,150 --> 00:18:59,682 Did you think even two years ago 497 00:18:59,716 --> 00:19:01,181 you'd be playing matchmaker for me 498 00:19:01,215 --> 00:19:02,815 while wearing a glittery crown? 499 00:19:02,849 --> 00:19:04,082 Now you're a dad. 500 00:19:04,116 --> 00:19:06,215 You care a little, itty bit about your friends. 501 00:19:06,249 --> 00:19:09,448 You're King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest. 502 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,581 It suits you. 503 00:19:19,449 --> 00:19:22,115 Andy, the camo is not working. I can see you. 504 00:19:22,149 --> 00:19:25,115 - Damn, really? - Yes. 505 00:19:25,149 --> 00:19:26,848 Babe, you don't have to hide from me. 506 00:19:26,883 --> 00:19:29,181 I don't care about the secret anymore, okay? 507 00:19:29,215 --> 00:19:31,214 I just thought, when we got married, 508 00:19:31,249 --> 00:19:32,615 we would share everything, 509 00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:35,581 but if you really can't tell me or whatever, it's fine. 510 00:19:35,616 --> 00:19:36,848 I trust you. 511 00:19:36,883 --> 00:19:39,748 It's just that it's a really big secret, 512 00:19:39,783 --> 00:19:42,715 and for once, I wanted to keep my word. 513 00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:43,848 But screw it. 514 00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:45,515 You're more important than anything. 515 00:19:45,549 --> 00:19:46,748 I'm gonna tell you 516 00:19:46,783 --> 00:19:48,281 'cause it's super juicy... you ready? 517 00:19:48,316 --> 00:19:49,715 Okay. 518 00:19:49,749 --> 00:19:51,515 Everybody, if you could gather around... 519 00:19:51,549 --> 00:19:54,248 They're here... don't try to get it out of me anymore. 520 00:19:54,282 --> 00:19:55,915 The reason I have been acting so weird 521 00:19:55,949 --> 00:19:57,415 is not because I've been waiting 522 00:19:57,449 --> 00:20:00,114 for the results of the soil samples to come back. 523 00:20:00,149 --> 00:20:02,082 Well, jeez, I've been up all night trying to make sure... 524 00:20:02,115 --> 00:20:03,281 It doesn't matter, Larry. 525 00:20:03,316 --> 00:20:04,782 It was a pointless ruse designed to waste time. 526 00:20:04,816 --> 00:20:08,548 The truth is... I'm pregnant. 527 00:20:10,082 --> 00:20:12,582 Yes, I did it! I kept a secret. 528 00:20:12,616 --> 00:20:13,848 Congratulations. 529 00:20:13,883 --> 00:20:15,949 I'm sure you will both raise a wonderful child 530 00:20:15,983 --> 00:20:19,248 with whom I will profoundly disagree on nearly everything. 531 00:20:19,282 --> 00:20:21,415 Well, actually, and this is crazy, 532 00:20:21,449 --> 00:20:23,915 but it's children, plural. 533 00:20:23,950 --> 00:20:26,281 - We're having triplets, and... - Shut the... 534 00:20:26,316 --> 00:20:27,381 - Oh, my God! - A little freaked out about it. 535 00:20:27,416 --> 00:20:28,548 That's amazing. 536 00:20:28,583 --> 00:20:30,415 Babe, I am so glad you didn't tell me. 537 00:20:30,449 --> 00:20:32,015 I know. I'm incredible. 538 00:20:32,050 --> 00:20:33,448 Okay, now listen to me, you two. 539 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,782 Gayle and I have kept everything our girls ever used, 540 00:20:35,816 --> 00:20:38,381 so we have, like, millions of clothes and strollers and... 541 00:20:38,416 --> 00:20:40,448 - just don't buy a thing, okay? - A triple crib... 542 00:20:40,482 --> 00:20:42,949 sounds like an interesting woodworking challenge. 543 00:20:42,983 --> 00:20:45,214 Would you like oak or pine? 544 00:20:45,249 --> 00:20:46,748 I'll make both, and you can choose. 545 00:20:46,783 --> 00:20:48,648 My boyf... my friend Joe 546 00:20:48,683 --> 00:20:50,214 has the hookup at all the good preschools. 547 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,415 Andy and I can babysit anytime, 548 00:20:52,449 --> 00:20:54,515 except for on weekends and nights, 549 00:20:54,549 --> 00:20:56,081 but we're free anytime during work hours. 550 00:20:56,115 --> 00:20:59,281 This is gonna be the happiest time of your life! 551 00:20:59,316 --> 00:21:01,148 Well, I sold everything on the auction list, 552 00:21:01,182 --> 00:21:02,548 no thanks to you people. 553 00:21:02,583 --> 00:21:04,181 What's so wonderful that you're all celebrating 554 00:21:04,216 --> 00:21:05,915 while I do all the hard work? 555 00:21:05,950 --> 00:21:07,348 We're having triplets. 556 00:21:07,382 --> 00:21:09,949 Oh, great. 557 00:21:09,983 --> 00:21:12,415 First my cousin Winona gets into a car accident 558 00:21:12,449 --> 00:21:14,548 the night my one-man show opens, and now this? 559 00:21:14,583 --> 00:21:16,915 Why are my accomplishments always overshadowed? 560 00:21:16,950 --> 00:21:20,782 Congratulations, I suppose. 561 00:21:20,816 --> 00:21:21,882 That's nice of him. 562 00:21:21,916 --> 00:21:23,354 - Yeah, yeah, I'll take that. - Yeah. 563 00:21:23,769 --> 00:21:30,306 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com