So, gentlemen, you have evidence that the Newport land should be preserved.
Absolutely.
You see, I'm a ninth level Octopriest in the Church of the Reasonableists.
- Oh, boy. - The land is sacred in our religion.
Because it's the place where all human souls will be transmuted
when Zorpe the Lizard God passes through Jupiter's sphincter.
- Hail, Zorpe. - Hail, Zorpe!
I'm looking for anything to strengthen my case
that the Newport land should become a park, and not a corpate campus.
Religious reasons, animal conservation, historical significance.
Anything. So hold on to your straws, everybody.
'Cause Mama's going graspin'.
In 1980, there were more than 600 million
Indiana brown ants in that forest.
Today, there are only 595 million.
At that rate, they'll all be gone by the year 2030.
- 60. - 200 and 3,060?
- 200,000 years from now? - Yes.
That doesn't seem like an immediate crisis.
I got a different idea for that land.
An amusement park with rides and food and sexy cartoon characters.
- I call it Disneyland. - How did you get in here?
Broke a window.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
Oh, hey, guys. Come on in.
You guys, I am Roscoe. I am Vice President of Cool New Shizz here at Gryzzl.
Feel free in this meeting to break out your vapes and just kick back.
Now, peep this.
Leslie Knope has been meeting with people
to try to sexy-up her presentation.
So we had this far-out brain tornado.
Good idea.
We should get a brity to come kick it with us small time,
and then just be like, "Hey, chumps. Let's get tight with Gryzz."
We need a celebrity. As a minority owner, it'll strengthen Gryzzl's bid.
Is a celebrity necessary? I prefer quality over flash.
That's why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.
Celebrities can help with this kind of thing.
The Nets wouldn't be in Brooklyn if it weren't for Jay-Z.
And the sales for Chick-fil-A went through the roof once Elton John bought 'em.
Exactly. Gryzzl is an outsider here in Pawnee,
so a local celebrity is gonna make everyone feel more at ease with us.
And that's why we called on you home court chillers to frack your braniums.
Since we're locals, they want us to think of ideas.
- I got it in context. - Okay.
I have no interest in consorting with celebrities.
The only celebrities I recognize are furniture maker
Garry Knox Bennett, designer of the notorious
16 Penny Nail Cabinet, and Magnus,
the five-by-five bull elk I saw near my cabin two years ago.
Took a shot at the bastard
and he stuck his antlers through the door of my meat shed.
One day, Magnus. I will wear you as a jacket.
Have you thought about this. You could be an airline pilot.
- I don't like heights. - What about a submarine pilot?
- I don't like depths. - Mm.
I don't like anything, okay.
You're not gonna be able to find a career for me, so just give up.
No way, babe. We can do this.
Let's play a game. Okay?
You say a word, I say a word. We see if it makes a profession.
- Executive. - Trampoline.
- Computer. - Trampoline.
- Pass.
Hey, Leslie? I need both you and Ron to sign this city point of sale document
since the land you're gunning for lies within city limits.
Can we run over to Ron's office and take care of this?
Well, I love it when you talk point of sale doc,
'cause you know it turns me on, but, no, no.
There's no way that I will be in the same room with Ron Swanson,
unless it is during a police lineup
when I am pointing him out as the man who betrayed me.
That's him, officer. Ronald Swanson.
Thank you, Leslie. That's the fifth crime you've solved this month.
I'm not supposed to do this, but let me give you a badge
- and a siren for your car. - Could you please focus? It'll take two minutes.
And all signatures need to be notarized,
and I really don't want to have to schedule two different notary appointments.
Uh, not to eavesdrop, but I have a crazy story.
I recently had a bit of a health scare,
just a couple weeks in the hospital.
Oh, God. This story's terrible so far.
Anyway, I became really motivated once I got out
to finally live life to the fullest.
So... I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams.
And I became a notary public.
So if I go with you, Ron and Leslie can sign the document separately.
Yeah, see? Ben, it all works out.
I'll sign the documents here and then you can bring it to Ron
and he can sign it there, and then you can tell Ron to rot in hell.
How long are you two gonna go on like this?
- You're acting like a little kid. - No, I'm not.
And infinity plus one year.
Andy? Bring me the next person.
Perd Hapley. Crazy Ira and the Douche.
Tom Haverford?
That's nice, but I don't know if you can really consider me a celebrity.
Yeah, that's your handwriting.
These are all great options,
but I think we need to go after Pawnee's biggest fish—
Annabel Porter from Bloosh.
That horrifying lifestyle newsletter
filled with vegan recipes and pointless tchotchkes?
Forget it. That woman is my nightmare.
Um, she's a big deal, Ron.
Bloosh just won the Pulitzer Prize for Best Top Ten Listicle two years in a row.
Hi, Leslie.
Bill Haggerty from the Pawnee Historical Society.
Oh, yes, Bill. I remember you.
I heard you were looking for information on the Newport land,
and I have some very exciting news for you.
It concerns William Henry Harrison.
We claim William Henry Harrison as a hero
because he was the first governor of the Indiana territories,
and then President of the United States.
We're also a little ashamed of him
because he didn't wear a coat at his inauguration,
caught a bad cold and died 32 days later.
He's an embarrassing footnote.
But he's our embarrassing footnote.
I've recently self-Published a biography about Harrison entitled,
Barely A President.
William Henry Harrison's 32 Days In The White House."
I discovered that Harrison had a heretofore unknown hunting lodge
on the very land you're trying to acquire.
Um, spoilers much? Now I'll never read that book.
If a U.S. President had a house on that land,
it could qualify for historic landmark status,
and we could really stick it to Ron's team.
Which would be icing on the cake, not the reason why we're doing this.
Okay. Show me this incredible lodge.
Let's go.
That book sounded so boring, I cried a little.
Oh, babe. I'm sorry you had to hear that.
You're safe now.
Hey, Ron. Sorry to bother you, but I need you to sign
this point of sale document.
And please sign it in cursive.
It raises a lot of red flags if you—
- No. - Okay.
So... what's Leslie up to?
Well, I don't think I should discuss that, given that you're in competition.
- Need to remain neutral. - Fair enough.
Terry, what's Leslie up to?
She is trying to find a historical to earmark the land for preservation.
- Terry, come on, man. - Leslie, you little sneak.
If Leslie's going for a hook, we should too.
- Let's get Annabel Bloosh Person. - Yes!
Glad to see you finally come around after these two minutes of insanity.
Now will you please consider investing
in that toddler cologne I've been bugging you about.
Toddler cologne. Baby—tsst tsst— you smell good.
Here we are.
Here we are, like, "Here's the place where I buried the map
that will show us the way to William Henry Harrison's awesome hunting cabin?"
- No, this is all that's left. - This place is awesome.
Hey, we should sell our dumb house and buy this one.
Okay, you know, I love William Henry Harrison as much,
if not slightly more than the next guy, but this is garbage.
I mean, literally, there's a bag of old hamburgers over there.
What? Ohh.
We're running out of time and we need to beat Ron.
So...
we're gonna have to use this old pile of bricks.
I need to gather everything I can on William Henry Harrison.
Let's head to the Harrison Museum over in Vincennes.
I volunteer there part time.
I just found an artifact! Historical artifact.
William Henry Harrison's wig.
Andy, put that down.
Cool.
You've got to be kidding me.
No, I'm sorry, but there's a page missing from the document
so then the signatures are invalid.
Can't we just say it was there?
You're asking a notary to lie.
I signed an oath, Ben.
And then a different notary notarized the oath I signed.
William Henry Harrison is totally ridiculous.
They can't even fill a small museum with real stuff
about his life because he was so lame.
The "If He'd Worn A Coat Room" explores how great America
would have been if Harrison had worn a coat at his inauguration.
And not died.
This room is called "Other Things That Were Famous for One Month."
Oh, and side note, admission to this museum costs $14.
And while you're here, why not visit
the "Other Famous Harrisons" exhibit.
Okay, guys, this is so great.
During the election campaign of 1840, William Henry Harrison supporters
rolled this ten foot tin and paper ball
down country lanes all across America.
And—And they would sing along with a jug band,
and it was just so exciting.
People would come for miles just to see it.
Why, was there something inside this stupid ball?
Ooh, like a giant hamster?
This is what we have to work with, okay.
We are up against a very flashy internet company,
and we should be aiming for quantity over quality.
So we're gonna throw a bunch of Harrison facts at them
and a big pile of bricks and whatever else we can find.
Quantity, people. Quantity!
Wow.
This is exactly what I imagine Heaven looks like.
Right down to the unisex linen tunics.
- Annabel, ma cherie. - Hi.
I'm sorry I'm late for our coven.
I was polishing my oyster forks with a cage-free olive oil rub.
Apology accepted, and then I have no reaction to anything else you said.
I can't help but ask, what's in right now?
Well, this season I'm intrigued by...
asymmetrical overalls,
angora toothbrushes, and locally sourced Italian flip flops.
Also, there's a flirty trend in beverages.
So you've had soy milk and almond milk.
Now try the hottest new craze...
beef milk.
It's like almond milk that's been squeezed through tiny holes in living cows.
It's fucking milk.
- No. - No.
Milk cost $3 a gallon.
Annabel's authentic, hand-strained teat-to-table beef milk,
that costs $60 a gallon.
Yeah, and there's a wait list.
This woman knows business.
And I'd be extremely jazzed to be a part of the Gryzzl bid.
Shall we discuss it in my yurt? Great.
Ron?
Okay, let's try this again.
All pages accounted for, just sign right here.
How is Leslie doing with her quest?
Again, I don't want to talk about her plan with you, nor yours with her.
- Sure you understand. - Absolutely.
Terry, what is Leslie up to?
- Oh, getting ready for a big press conference. - Terry, come on.
A press conference.
So she's found something to strengthen her bid.
Ms. Porter, no need to discuss any further.
You will be the face of the Gryzzl bid.
Smashing.
Well, this calls for a celebratory dram of aged grappa.
- Okay, so I just sign here? - No. No, no! Aw.
Great. There you go.
- Yeah, that's invalid now. - Yeah, I know.
Excuse me, Mr. Haggerty?
I just wanted to say that I really like your museum.
It's weird and sad and unnecessary.
Is there, like, a museum curator position I could apply for?
Sorry, everyone here is a volunteer.
Though you do get a yearly stipend of 50,000 Harrison Bucks.
Accepted only at that vending machine.
- Thanks. - That's a bummer.
But, hey, hey, listen.
Maybe you could start your own museum.
About what?
I'm sorry, but I am not like you.
You love everything. The only things I like are dogs,
sleeping late, and weird birthmarks.
You can't make museums about those.
- This is another dead end. - Guys?
Let's keep it going, right? Somebody grab the reading glasses,
somebody grab that walking stick. Grab everything you can.
I'm officially dubbing this Operation Quantity.
Oh, thank God you're still here.
I cannot believe the weird notary hell I've been trapped in.
Been more like heaven for me. I mean, what a day.
What's Ron up to?
- Okay, I am not— - No, no, you have to tell me
because you legally vow yourself to me in marriage. Sucker.
Okay, fine. They got Annabel Porter to be the celebrity face of their group.
Little rat.
Okay. Two can play this game.
Bill? Operation Quantity needs a face.
Does William Henry Harrison have any direct descendants in the area?
One—a distant nephew named Zack Harrison.
This is our guy. American royalty.
His veins pulse with the blood of our storied forefather.
Zack Harrison? I went to camp with this guy.
Ha ha!
No one would ride in the boat with him 'cause he had terrible B.O.,
and then he went with Janine, our counselor,
and he fell asleep and got a boner.
Well, he's American royalty, okay?
And we need him for the press conference, and we need all of this stuff.
So help me God, I will make a mountain out of this mole hill.
- Leslie, I do— - Quantity, people.
Notary public's can trace our origin all the way back to ancient Rome.
- No way. - Calvin Coolidge was a notary.
- Oh. - Mm-hmm.
And so was Calvin Coolidge's dad and so was Calvin Coolidge's paternal grandfather.
Uh-huh.
It's 2.5 pounds of pressure is what you need to get the perfect stamp.
They have this monthly—
Well, it's a notary email newsletter and, oh, my gosh—
- All right. - Ben, it's fun. It's just fun.
Babe? I have been thinking a lot about what you said.
I made a list of everything that I know you like.
Playing with our dog, staring contests, sex with me, et cetera.
And then, I lost the list.
So I had to make a new list.
I didn't have any paper, so I wrote it on my leg.
And that's when my leg fell asleep—
Okay, could you just skip ahead a little?
What do all the things on that list have in common?
They're one-on-one.
You like dealing with people, or dogs, one-on-one.
See, we don't make a list of the things that you love,
we make a list of the reasons why you love them.
And then we find something that fits that list.
You're the best husband ever.
Hi, Zack Harrison.
- You wanted to meet with me about a press conference? - Oh, yes. Hello, Zack.
Yes, I am Leslie. It is an honor to have you here.
You are Indiana's last living link to this great man.
Look, I really don't think you should make a big deal out of this.
I just happen to be a descendant of a guy.
You could be the descendant of George Washington.
- I wouldn't know. - Do you—
- No, that was just a hypothetical. - Could that be possible?
Because, you know, I have always thought that we shared very similar jaw lines.
Wow. That is something to chew on.
Anyway, okay. It doesn't matter.
I need this to be very impressive.
So head on in there and be presidential... ly descendant.
Just go in there. Okay?
- Just walk, walk, walk. - I don't—
Quiet down. Walk in.
Zack. Camp Wamapo, you got a boner.
We'll catch up. What a dick.
Hey!
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no. What—Ron?
What are you doing here?
Setting up for our press conference,
which will take place immediately after yours.
Are you crazy? You can't do that.
- Do you want me to bite him? - No.
Ignore them.
We start in ten minutes.
Swanson, you didn't say anything about ambushing Leslie's press conference.
I didn't think it was relevant.
Come on, man. This isn't cool.
This is a competition. We need to win it.
Please do your jobs.
Good evening. Pawnee is a place of culture, history, and heritage,
and the National Park Service is proud to say
that we've discovered a new chapter in the life
of local hero and president, William Henry Harrison.
A heretofore unknown hunting lodge was recently discovered
smack dab in the middle of the Newport land.
What great historical moments
took place within these hallowed halls?
Did Harrison plan his presidential campaign while sitting around the hearth?
Which used to be there.
Did he write letters to Thomas Jefferson on his roll top desk?
Which, you know, I don't know, might have existed.
The point is,
William Henry Harrison would have wanted this land preserved as a national park.
Don't believe me? Let's ask him.
In the form of his direct descendant, Zachary.
Hi, I'm Zack.
- Harrison. - Amazing.
Zachary, what is it like being a descendant of William Henry Harrison?
- Uh, Harrison's a pretty common last name. - Okay, sit.
Now. Travel back in time with me to 1840 when William Henry Harrison,
Old Tippecanoe, runs for president.
And his campaign rolls this giant tin and paper ball
from town to town, while Americans everywhere sing along.
Hit it, gang.
They're talking about this ball.
Van. Van's Martin van Buren. That's who.
Wow, that was cool.
Said some boring idiot from 200 years ago.
Who cares about some dumb grandpa and a tin ball?
That's the past. Gryzzl is the future.
The Newport land will become the Midwest headquarters
of America's most dynamic technology company.
Here to introduce our vision is Annabel Riordan from Bloosh
and the sexy ladies known in Pawnee as The Somebody's Daughter Dancers.
Fresh.
Innovative. Place-Making.
Disposable duvets. Growth-Hacking.
Super-Moon Gryzzl.
Now come with me as we binge watch the future.
That was sickening. All flash and no substance.
It was exactly as substantive as your presentation.
No, it was not.
We had way more quantity than you.
Please. Please.
For the love of all that is holy, both of you, please sign this form.
Not that it matters. I'm definitely gonna wake up tomorrow morning
with these same forms for you to sign
because I've died somehow and now I'm a ghost
living in Purgatory until I complete my unfinished business.
Okay, I'm not signing anything he's signing.
Did you just hear what I said?
No, of course, you didn't, because I'm a ghost.
You know what? I can't stand you.
I can't stand your stupid mustache and your stupid shirt,
and your stupid name, Ron.
Ron. It's not even a word.
Well, I have had just about enough of your stubborn behavior.
Ever since the Morningstar incident,
you have been completely unreasonable.
You are the unreasonable one!
You've been unreasonable way before Morningstar.
You're the most unreasonable, stubborn person I have ever met.
And I am never gonna change my mind on that,
no matter what anybody says!
You're not that good at scrapbooking.
What?
Okay, would you just sign right here?
And I will need your thumbprints.
Man, those two really hate each other.
That feud's like Biggie-Tupac level.
Maybe even Morgan Freeman- Shailene Woodley level.
Nah, it's bad, but it's not that bad.
This is like when the triplets fight, except I can't just give
Leslie and Ron stuffed animals to make them calm down.
Actually, that might work. Have we tried that?
They've always butted heads.
I really—I don't think they hate each other.
I just think they're very different people
and they just drifted apart once they stopped working in the same office.
- You okay? - Yeah, well I ordered 60 veggie pizzas to Ron's office,
so that calmed me down a little.
I know you're furious at him.
But please, come to a neutral site and sit with Ron
for 30 seconds so I can get this dumb document signed.
Ugh.
I'll let you rename the triplets Ruth, Bader, and Ginsburg.
Okay, fine. But I get to sign first.
Oh, my God.
- All right, let's just get this over with. - Oh, let me get that for you.
- Got 'em. - What?
What's going on? What's going on?
- Let us out immediately. - No.
You guys are being ridiculous.
This has gone too far,
and you are not leaving this office until you've made peace.
Nooo!
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther