1
00:00:02,238 --> 00:00:05,933
So, gentlemen, you have evidence that
the Newport land should be preserved.

2
00:00:05,949 --> 00:00:07,561
Absolutely.

3
00:00:07,586 --> 00:00:11,947
You see, I'm a ninth level Octopriest
in the Church of the Reasonableists.

4
00:00:11,962 --> 00:00:15,509
- Oh, boy. - The land is
sacred in our religion.

5
00:00:15,524 --> 00:00:18,701
Because it's the place where all
human souls will be transmuted

6
00:00:18,721 --> 00:00:22,198
when Zorpe the Lizard God passes
through Jupiter's sphincter.

7
00:00:23,101 --> 00:00:24,701
- Hail, Zorpe.
- Hail, Zorpe!

8
00:00:24,726 --> 00:00:27,367
I'm looking for anything
to strengthen my case

9
00:00:27,383 --> 00:00:31,039
that the Newport land should become
a park, and not a corpate campus.

10
00:00:31,064 --> 00:00:34,801
Religious reasons, animal conservation,
historical significance.

11
00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:38,077
Anything. So hold on
to your straws, everybody.

12
00:00:38,087 --> 00:00:40,069
'Cause Mama's going graspin'.

13
00:00:40,481 --> 00:00:44,216
In 1980, there were more
than 600 million

14
00:00:44,241 --> 00:00:46,991
Indiana brown ants
in that forest.

15
00:00:47,006 --> 00:00:51,313
Today, there are only
595 million.

16
00:00:51,338 --> 00:00:55,424
At that rate, they'll all be
gone by the year 2030.

17
00:00:55,439 --> 00:00:58,666
- 60.
- 200 and 3,060?

18
00:00:58,681 --> 00:01:01,025
- 200,000 years from now?
- Yes.

19
00:01:01,048 --> 00:01:03,163
That doesn't seem like
an immediate crisis.

20
00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:05,212
I got a different idea
for that land.

21
00:01:05,237 --> 00:01:10,159
An amusement park with rides and food
and sexy cartoon characters.

22
00:01:10,184 --> 00:01:13,411
- I call it Disneyland.
- How did you get in here?

23
00:01:13,434 --> 00:01:14,994
Broke a window.

24
00:01:27,703 --> 00:01:35,703
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

25
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,129
Oh, hey, guys.
Come on in.

26
00:01:38,152 --> 00:01:42,946
You guys, I am Roscoe. I am Vice President
of Cool New Shizz here at Gryzzl.

27
00:01:42,953 --> 00:01:46,617
Feel free in this meeting to break
out your vapes and just kick back.

28
00:01:46,625 --> 00:01:47,945
Now, peep this.

29
00:01:47,969 --> 00:01:49,930
Leslie Knope has been
meeting with people

30
00:01:49,945 --> 00:01:52,057
to try to sexy-up
her presentation.

31
00:01:52,064 --> 00:01:54,454
So we had this far-out
brain tornado.

32
00:01:54,479 --> 00:01:55,416
Good idea.

33
00:01:55,439 --> 00:01:58,450
We should get a brity to come
kick it with us small time,

34
00:01:58,475 --> 00:02:01,207
and then just be like, "Hey, chumps.
Let's get tight with Gryzz."

35
00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:04,759
We need a celebrity. As a minority
owner, it'll strengthen Gryzzl's bid.

36
00:02:04,774 --> 00:02:09,271
Is a celebrity necessary?
I prefer quality over flash.

37
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:12,065
That's why I refuse to write
my signature in cursive.

38
00:02:12,077 --> 00:02:14,320
Celebrities can help
with this kind of thing.

39
00:02:14,327 --> 00:02:16,579
The Nets wouldn't be in Brooklyn
if it weren't for Jay-Z.

40
00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:20,071
And the sales for Chick-fil-A went through
the roof once Elton John bought 'em.

41
00:02:20,087 --> 00:02:22,876
Exactly. Gryzzl is
an outsider here in Pawnee,

42
00:02:22,891 --> 00:02:26,579
so a local celebrity is gonna make
everyone feel more at ease with us.

43
00:02:26,594 --> 00:02:29,962
And that's why we called on you home
court chillers to frack your braniums.

44
00:02:29,969 --> 00:02:32,863
Since we're locals, they want
us to think of ideas.

45
00:02:32,870 --> 00:02:35,095
- I got it in context.
- Okay.

46
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:38,768
I have no interest in
consorting with celebrities.

47
00:02:38,776 --> 00:02:41,511
The only celebrities I recognize
are furniture maker

48
00:02:41,533 --> 00:02:44,314
Garry Knox Bennett,
designer of the notorious

49
00:02:44,329 --> 00:02:47,529
16 Penny Nail Cabinet,
and Magnus,

50
00:02:47,554 --> 00:02:51,187
the five-by-five bull elk I saw
near my cabin two years ago.

51
00:02:51,202 --> 00:02:53,482
Took a shot at the bastard

52
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,460
and he stuck his antlers through
the door of my meat shed.

53
00:02:56,483 --> 00:02:59,985
One day, Magnus.
I will wear you as a jacket.

54
00:03:00,491 --> 00:03:04,390
Have you thought about this.
You could be an airline pilot.

55
00:03:04,405 --> 00:03:07,820
- I don't like heights.
- What about a submarine pilot?

56
00:03:07,834 --> 00:03:10,155
- I don't like depths.
- Mm.

57
00:03:10,178 --> 00:03:11,663
I don't like anything, okay.

58
00:03:11,679 --> 00:03:13,864
You're not gonna be able to find
a career for me, so just give up.

59
00:03:13,876 --> 00:03:15,884
No way, babe.
We can do this.

60
00:03:15,899 --> 00:03:17,266
Let's play a game. Okay?

61
00:03:17,286 --> 00:03:20,099
You say a word, I say a word.
We see if it makes a profession.

62
00:03:20,113 --> 00:03:22,576
- Executive.
- Trampoline.

63
00:03:22,601 --> 00:03:24,590
- Computer.
- Trampoline.

64
00:03:25,196 --> 00:03:27,821
- Trampoline.
- Pass.

65
00:03:27,845 --> 00:03:32,140
Hey, Leslie? I need both you and Ron
to sign this city point of sale document

66
00:03:32,155 --> 00:03:34,822
since the land you're gunning
for lies within city limits.

67
00:03:34,845 --> 00:03:36,884
Can we run over to Ron's office
and take care of this?

68
00:03:36,899 --> 00:03:39,204
Well, I love it when you
talk point of sale doc,

69
00:03:39,211 --> 00:03:41,305
'cause you know it turns
me on, but, no, no.

70
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:44,146
There's no way that I will be in
the same room with Ron Swanson,

71
00:03:44,171 --> 00:03:46,257
unless it is during
a police lineup

72
00:03:46,282 --> 00:03:48,743
when I am pointing him out
as the man who betrayed me.

73
00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:51,134
That's him, officer.
Ronald Swanson.

74
00:03:51,157 --> 00:03:53,654
Thank you, Leslie. That's the fifth
crime you've solved this month.

75
00:03:53,669 --> 00:03:55,570
I'm not supposed to do this,
but let me give you a badge

76
00:03:55,586 --> 00:03:58,750
- and a siren for your car. - Could you
please focus? It'll take two minutes.

77
00:03:58,765 --> 00:04:00,845
And all signatures
need to be notarized,

78
00:04:00,870 --> 00:04:04,503
and I really don't want to have to schedule
two different notary appointments.

79
00:04:04,510 --> 00:04:08,440
Uh, not to eavesdrop,
but I have a crazy story.

80
00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:10,339
I recently had a bit
of a health scare,

81
00:04:10,346 --> 00:04:11,628
just a couple weeks
in the hospital.

82
00:04:11,643 --> 00:04:14,456
Oh, God. This
story's terrible so far.

83
00:04:14,472 --> 00:04:16,573
Anyway, I became really
motivated once I got out

84
00:04:16,592 --> 00:04:18,960
to finally live life
to the fullest.

85
00:04:19,531 --> 00:04:22,707
So... I fulfilled one of
my lifelong dreams.

86
00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:25,615
And I became
a notary public.

87
00:04:25,638 --> 00:04:28,818
So if I go with you, Ron and Leslie
can sign the document separately.

88
00:04:28,841 --> 00:04:30,814
Yeah, see?
Ben, it all works out.

89
00:04:30,829 --> 00:04:34,107
I'll sign the documents here
and then you can bring it to Ron

90
00:04:34,123 --> 00:04:37,239
and he can sign it there, and then
you can tell Ron to rot in hell.

91
00:04:37,254 --> 00:04:39,360
How long are you two
gonna go on like this?

92
00:04:39,375 --> 00:04:42,477
- You're acting like a little kid.
- No, I'm not.

93
00:04:42,492 --> 00:04:44,752
And infinity plus one year.

94
00:04:44,768 --> 00:04:46,683
Andy? Bring me
the next person.

95
00:04:47,502 --> 00:04:50,472
Perd Hapley.
Crazy Ira and the Douche.

96
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:52,512
Tom Haverford?

97
00:04:52,527 --> 00:04:55,340
That's nice, but I don't know if you
can really consider me a celebrity.

98
00:04:55,355 --> 00:04:56,511
Yeah, that's your
handwriting.

99
00:04:56,534 --> 00:04:57,732
These are all
great options,

100
00:04:57,757 --> 00:05:01,468
but I think we need to go
after Pawnee's biggest fish—

101
00:05:01,487 --> 00:05:02,838
Annabel Porter
from Bloosh.

102
00:05:02,860 --> 00:05:04,693
That horrifying
lifestyle newsletter

103
00:05:04,708 --> 00:05:07,873
filled with vegan recipes
and pointless tchotchkes?

104
00:05:07,888 --> 00:05:10,224
Forget it. That woman
is my nightmare.

105
00:05:10,239 --> 00:05:13,177
Um, she's a big deal, Ron.

106
00:05:13,185 --> 00:05:18,003
Bloosh just won the Pulitzer Prize for
Best Top Ten Listicle two years in a row.

107
00:05:18,598 --> 00:05:19,743
Hi, Leslie.

108
00:05:19,768 --> 00:05:22,420
Bill Haggerty from the Pawnee
Historical Society.

109
00:05:22,436 --> 00:05:24,819
Oh, yes, Bill.
I remember you.

110
00:05:24,834 --> 00:05:27,311
I heard you were looking for
information on the Newport land,

111
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,217
and I have some very
exciting news for you.

112
00:05:30,224 --> 00:05:33,081
It concerns William
Henry Harrison.

113
00:05:33,682 --> 00:05:36,010
We claim William Henry
Harrison as a hero

114
00:05:36,033 --> 00:05:38,549
because he was the first governor
of the Indiana territories,

115
00:05:38,564 --> 00:05:40,752
and then President
of the United States.

116
00:05:40,759 --> 00:05:42,262
We're also a little
ashamed of him

117
00:05:42,287 --> 00:05:45,107
because he didn't wear a coat
at his inauguration,

118
00:05:45,122 --> 00:05:48,201
caught a bad cold
and died 32 days later.

119
00:05:48,216 --> 00:05:49,883
He's an embarrassing footnote.

120
00:05:49,902 --> 00:05:52,404
But he's our embarrassing
footnote.

121
00:05:52,414 --> 00:05:56,562
I've recently self-Published
a biography about Harrison entitled,

122
00:05:56,585 --> 00:05:58,552
Barely A President.

123
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:02,138
William Henry Harrison's
32 Days In The White House."

124
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:06,591
I discovered that Harrison had
a heretofore unknown hunting lodge

125
00:06:06,607 --> 00:06:09,275
on the very land you're
trying to acquire.

126
00:06:09,294 --> 00:06:12,692
Um, spoilers much?
Now I'll never read that book.

127
00:06:12,708 --> 00:06:15,185
If a U.S. President had
a house on that land,

128
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,309
it could qualify for historic
landmark status,

129
00:06:17,321 --> 00:06:19,322
and we could really
stick it to Ron's team.

130
00:06:19,340 --> 00:06:22,158
Which would be icing on the cake, not
the reason why we're doing this.

131
00:06:22,176 --> 00:06:24,084
Okay. Show me this
incredible lodge.

132
00:06:24,109 --> 00:06:25,309
Let's go.

133
00:06:25,329 --> 00:06:27,438
That book sounded so boring,
I cried a little.

134
00:06:27,462 --> 00:06:30,029
Oh, babe. I'm sorry
you had to hear that.

135
00:06:30,054 --> 00:06:31,560
You're safe now.

136
00:06:31,585 --> 00:06:34,002
Hey, Ron. Sorry to bother
you, but I need you to sign

137
00:06:34,025 --> 00:06:36,205
this point of
sale document.

138
00:06:36,213 --> 00:06:38,648
And please sign
it in cursive.

139
00:06:38,663 --> 00:06:40,228
It raises a lot of
red flags if you—

140
00:06:40,243 --> 00:06:42,005
- No.
- Okay.

141
00:06:42,824 --> 00:06:45,317
So... what's Leslie up to?

142
00:06:45,331 --> 00:06:48,617
Well, I don't think I should discuss
that, given that you're in competition.

143
00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:51,435
- Need to remain neutral.
- Fair enough.

144
00:06:51,460 --> 00:06:53,127
Terry, what's Leslie up to?

145
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:56,497
She is trying to find a historical
to earmark the land for preservation.

146
00:06:56,513 --> 00:07:00,087
- Terry, come on, man.
- Leslie, you little sneak.

147
00:07:00,858 --> 00:07:03,171
If Leslie's going for a hook,
we should too.

148
00:07:03,185 --> 00:07:06,827
- Let's get Annabel Bloosh Person.
- Yes!

149
00:07:06,845 --> 00:07:09,607
Glad to see you finally come around
after these two minutes of insanity.

150
00:07:09,622 --> 00:07:11,820
Now will you please
consider investing

151
00:07:11,835 --> 00:07:14,307
in that toddler cologne
I've been bugging you about.

152
00:07:14,332 --> 00:07:17,563
Toddler cologne. Baby—tsst
tsst— you smell good.

153
00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:21,270
Here we are.

154
00:07:21,703 --> 00:07:25,137
Here we are, like, "Here's
the place where I buried the map

155
00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:28,474
that will show us the way to William
Henry Harrison's awesome hunting cabin?"

156
00:07:28,499 --> 00:07:31,984
- No, this is all that's left.
- This place is awesome.

157
00:07:32,007 --> 00:07:34,161
Hey, we should sell our dumb
house and buy this one.

158
00:07:34,184 --> 00:07:36,825
Okay, you know, I love William
Henry Harrison as much,

159
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:40,903
if not slightly more than the
next guy, but this is garbage.

160
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:43,544
I mean, literally, there's a bag
of old hamburgers over there.

161
00:07:43,557 --> 00:07:45,781
What? Ohh.

162
00:07:46,401 --> 00:07:48,912
We're running out of time
and we need to beat Ron.

163
00:07:48,937 --> 00:07:50,125
So...

164
00:07:50,594 --> 00:07:52,712
we're gonna have to use
this old pile of bricks.

165
00:07:52,727 --> 00:07:55,802
I need to gather everything
I can on William Henry Harrison.

166
00:07:55,827 --> 00:07:58,795
Let's head to the Harrison
Museum over in Vincennes.

167
00:07:58,806 --> 00:08:00,759
I volunteer there
part time.

168
00:08:00,782 --> 00:08:03,542
I just found an artifact!
Historical artifact.

169
00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:05,370
William Henry Harrison's wig.

170
00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:08,137
Andy, put that down.

171
00:08:08,810 --> 00:08:09,849
Cool.

172
00:08:11,184 --> 00:08:12,384
You've got to be
kidding me.

173
00:08:12,407 --> 00:08:14,641
No, I'm sorry, but there's a page
missing from the document

174
00:08:14,656 --> 00:08:17,092
so then the signatures
are invalid.

175
00:08:17,115 --> 00:08:19,070
Can't we just say
it was there?

176
00:08:19,095 --> 00:08:21,421
You're asking a notary to lie.

177
00:08:21,446 --> 00:08:22,747
I signed an oath, Ben.

178
00:08:22,772 --> 00:08:25,907
And then a different notary
notarized the oath I signed.

179
00:08:27,537 --> 00:08:30,382
William Henry Harrison
is totally ridiculous.

180
00:08:30,397 --> 00:08:32,446
They can't even fill a small
museum with real stuff

181
00:08:32,461 --> 00:08:34,357
about his life because
he was so lame.

182
00:08:34,382 --> 00:08:37,691
The "If He'd Worn A Coat Room"
explores how great America

183
00:08:37,706 --> 00:08:41,769
would have been if Harrison had
worn a coat at his inauguration.

184
00:08:41,794 --> 00:08:43,193
And not died.

185
00:08:43,809 --> 00:08:47,361
This room is called "Other Things
That Were Famous for One Month."

186
00:08:47,846 --> 00:08:52,458
Oh, and side note, admission
to this museum costs $14.

187
00:08:53,470 --> 00:08:55,834
And while you're here,
why not visit

188
00:08:55,859 --> 00:08:58,876
the "Other Famous Harrisons"
exhibit.

189
00:08:59,492 --> 00:09:01,586
Okay, guys, this
is so great.

190
00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:05,727
During the election campaign of 1840,
William Henry Harrison supporters

191
00:09:05,742 --> 00:09:09,312
rolled this ten foot
tin and paper ball

192
00:09:09,336 --> 00:09:12,039
down country lanes
all across America.

193
00:09:12,062 --> 00:09:14,199
And—And they would sing
along with a jug band,

194
00:09:14,222 --> 00:09:15,691
and it was just so exciting.

195
00:09:15,716 --> 00:09:17,250
People would come for
miles just to see it.

196
00:09:17,269 --> 00:09:20,598
Why, was there something
inside this stupid ball?

197
00:09:20,623 --> 00:09:22,592
Ooh, like a giant hamster?

198
00:09:23,006 --> 00:09:24,887
This is what we have
to work with, okay.

199
00:09:24,902 --> 00:09:27,093
We are up against a very
flashy internet company,

200
00:09:27,116 --> 00:09:30,655
and we should be aiming
for quantity over quality.

201
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:32,835
So we're gonna throw a bunch
of Harrison facts at them

202
00:09:32,850 --> 00:09:36,334
and a big pile of bricks
and whatever else we can find.

203
00:09:36,358 --> 00:09:38,827
Quantity, people.
Quantity!

204
00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,235
Wow.

205
00:09:41,258 --> 00:09:43,664
This is exactly what I imagine
Heaven looks like.

206
00:09:43,672 --> 00:09:46,664
Right down to the unisex
linen tunics.

207
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,704
- Annabel, ma cherie.
- Hi.

208
00:09:48,711 --> 00:09:50,351
I'm sorry I'm late
for our coven.

209
00:09:50,374 --> 00:09:53,970
I was polishing my oyster forks
with a cage-free olive oil rub.

210
00:09:53,988 --> 00:09:58,269
Apology accepted, and then I have no
reaction to anything else you said.

211
00:09:58,285 --> 00:10:01,312
I can't help but ask,
what's in right now?

212
00:10:01,335 --> 00:10:04,945
Well, this season
I'm intrigued by...

213
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:06,970
asymmetrical overalls,

214
00:10:06,984 --> 00:10:12,355
angora toothbrushes, and locally
sourced Italian flip flops.

215
00:10:12,370 --> 00:10:15,214
Also, there's a flirty
trend in beverages.

216
00:10:15,229 --> 00:10:17,218
So you've had soy milk
and almond milk.

217
00:10:17,238 --> 00:10:21,110
Now try the hottest
new craze...

218
00:10:21,135 --> 00:10:22,875
beef milk.

219
00:10:22,884 --> 00:10:28,777
It's like almond milk that's been squeezed
through tiny holes in living cows.

220
00:10:31,329 --> 00:10:32,728
It's fucking milk.

221
00:10:33,343 --> 00:10:34,663
- No.
- No.

222
00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:36,208
Milk cost $3 a gallon.

223
00:10:36,231 --> 00:10:40,107
Annabel's authentic, hand-strained
teat-to-table beef milk,

224
00:10:40,121 --> 00:10:41,746
that costs $60 a gallon.

225
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:44,607
Yeah, and there's a wait list.

226
00:10:44,622 --> 00:10:46,754
This woman knows business.

227
00:10:46,769 --> 00:10:49,411
And I'd be extremely jazzed
to be a part of the Gryzzl bid.

228
00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:52,335
Shall we discuss it in my yurt?
Great.

229
00:10:52,999 --> 00:10:54,238
Ron?

230
00:10:54,622 --> 00:10:57,028
Okay, let's try
this again.

231
00:10:57,051 --> 00:11:01,802
All pages accounted for,
just sign right here.

232
00:11:01,825 --> 00:11:04,013
How is Leslie doing
with her quest?

233
00:11:04,028 --> 00:11:08,216
Again, I don't want to talk about her
plan with you, nor yours with her.

234
00:11:08,231 --> 00:11:10,450
- Sure you understand.
- Absolutely.

235
00:11:10,466 --> 00:11:12,186
Terry, what is Leslie up to?

236
00:11:12,192 --> 00:11:15,451
- Oh, getting ready for a big press
conference. - Terry, come on.

237
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,163
A press conference.

238
00:11:17,188 --> 00:11:19,851
So she's found something
to strengthen her bid.

239
00:11:19,859 --> 00:11:23,648
Ms. Porter, no need
to discuss any further.

240
00:11:23,671 --> 00:11:25,791
You will be the face
of the Gryzzl bid.

241
00:11:25,816 --> 00:11:27,144
Smashing.

242
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:30,541
Well, this calls for a celebratory
dram of aged grappa.

243
00:11:30,558 --> 00:11:33,738
- Okay, so I just sign here?
- No. No, no! Aw.

244
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,344
Great. There you go.

245
00:11:36,725 --> 00:11:39,460
- Yeah, that's invalid now.
- Yeah, I know.

246
00:11:39,469 --> 00:11:41,404
Excuse me, Mr. Haggerty?

247
00:11:41,423 --> 00:11:44,108
I just wanted to say that
I really like your museum.

248
00:11:44,133 --> 00:11:48,401
It's weird and sad
and unnecessary.

249
00:11:49,180 --> 00:11:54,852
Is there, like, a museum curator
position I could apply for?

250
00:11:54,867 --> 00:11:57,936
Sorry, everyone here
is a volunteer.

251
00:11:57,955 --> 00:12:03,670
Though you do get a yearly stipend
of 50,000 Harrison Bucks.

252
00:12:03,684 --> 00:12:07,345
Accepted only at that
vending machine.

253
00:12:07,370 --> 00:12:09,988
- Thanks.
- That's a bummer.

254
00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:11,583
But, hey, hey, listen.

255
00:12:11,608 --> 00:12:14,881
Maybe you could start
your own museum.

256
00:12:14,891 --> 00:12:16,068
About what?

257
00:12:16,093 --> 00:12:18,662
I'm sorry, but
I am not like you.

258
00:12:18,687 --> 00:12:23,415
You love everything. The
only things I like are dogs,

259
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,776
sleeping late,
and weird birthmarks.

260
00:12:25,799 --> 00:12:27,598
You can't make museums
about those.

261
00:12:27,613 --> 00:12:29,407
- This is another dead end.
- Guys?

262
00:12:29,414 --> 00:12:32,069
Let's keep it going, right?
Somebody grab the reading glasses,

263
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:35,100
somebody grab that walking stick.
Grab everything you can.

264
00:12:35,115 --> 00:12:38,302
I'm officially dubbing this
Operation Quantity.

265
00:12:38,317 --> 00:12:39,764
Oh, thank God
you're still here.

266
00:12:39,780 --> 00:12:44,098
I cannot believe the weird notary
hell I've been trapped in.

267
00:12:44,113 --> 00:12:46,502
Been more like heaven for me.
I mean, what a day.

268
00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:47,662
What's Ron up to?

269
00:12:47,687 --> 00:12:49,232
- Okay, I am not—
- No, no, you have to tell me

270
00:12:49,257 --> 00:12:51,929
because you legally vow yourself
to me in marriage. Sucker.

271
00:12:51,944 --> 00:12:55,686
Okay, fine. They got Annabel Porter to be
the celebrity face of their group.

272
00:12:55,709 --> 00:12:57,003
Little rat.

273
00:12:57,028 --> 00:12:58,662
Okay. Two can
play this game.

274
00:12:58,673 --> 00:13:01,868
Bill? Operation
Quantity needs a face.

275
00:13:01,883 --> 00:13:04,930
Does William Henry Harrison have any
direct descendants in the area?

276
00:13:04,953 --> 00:13:09,095
One—a distant nephew
named Zack Harrison.

277
00:13:09,548 --> 00:13:11,962
This is our guy.
American royalty.

278
00:13:11,985 --> 00:13:15,123
His veins pulse with the blood
of our storied forefather.

279
00:13:15,148 --> 00:13:17,630
Zack Harrison? I went
to camp with this guy.

280
00:13:17,655 --> 00:13:18,500
Ha ha!

281
00:13:18,508 --> 00:13:21,100
No one would ride in the boat with
him 'cause he had terrible B.O.,

282
00:13:21,115 --> 00:13:22,473
and then he went with
Janine, our counselor,

283
00:13:22,498 --> 00:13:23,743
and he fell asleep
and got a boner.

284
00:13:23,758 --> 00:13:25,673
Well, he's American
royalty, okay?

285
00:13:25,696 --> 00:13:29,126
And we need him for the press conference,
and we need all of this stuff.

286
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:33,290
So help me God, I will make a
mountain out of this mole hill.

287
00:13:33,849 --> 00:13:37,262
- Leslie, I do—
- Quantity, people.

288
00:13:38,728 --> 00:13:42,665
Notary public's can trace our origin
all the way back to ancient Rome.

289
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,993
- No way.
- Calvin Coolidge was a notary.

290
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,063
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

291
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:50,287
And so was Calvin Coolidge's dad and so was
Calvin Coolidge's paternal grandfather.

292
00:13:50,305 --> 00:13:51,118
Uh-huh.

293
00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:55,414
It's 2.5 pounds of pressure is what
you need to get the perfect stamp.

294
00:13:55,430 --> 00:13:57,277
They have this monthly—

295
00:13:57,302 --> 00:13:59,755
Well, it's a notary email
newsletter and, oh, my gosh—

296
00:13:59,770 --> 00:14:02,613
- All right.
- Ben, it's fun. It's just fun.

297
00:14:03,279 --> 00:14:06,111
Babe? I have been thinking a lot
about what you said.

298
00:14:06,136 --> 00:14:09,290
I made a list of everything
that I know you like.

299
00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:13,668
Playing with our dog, staring
contests, sex with me, et cetera.

300
00:14:13,693 --> 00:14:16,240
And then, I lost the list.

301
00:14:16,255 --> 00:14:17,568
So I had to make
a new list.

302
00:14:17,575 --> 00:14:19,427
I didn't have any paper,
so I wrote it on my leg.

303
00:14:19,443 --> 00:14:21,987
And that's when my
leg fell asleep—

304
00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:23,911
Okay, could you just
skip ahead a little?

305
00:14:23,934 --> 00:14:26,467
What do all the things on
that list have in common?

306
00:14:26,492 --> 00:14:28,201
They're one-on-one.

307
00:14:28,616 --> 00:14:33,390
You like dealing with people,
or dogs, one-on-one.

308
00:14:33,407 --> 00:14:36,268
See, we don't make a list
of the things that you love,

309
00:14:36,291 --> 00:14:38,906
we make a list of the reasons
why you love them.

310
00:14:38,931 --> 00:14:42,030
And then we find something
that fits that list.

311
00:14:42,630 --> 00:14:44,798
You're the best
husband ever.

312
00:14:48,266 --> 00:14:49,519
Hi, Zack Harrison.

313
00:14:49,534 --> 00:14:52,403
- You wanted to meet with me about a press
conference? - Oh, yes. Hello, Zack.

314
00:14:52,421 --> 00:14:54,657
Yes, I am Leslie. It is
an honor to have you here.

315
00:14:54,682 --> 00:14:58,176
You are Indiana's last living
link to this great man.

316
00:14:58,192 --> 00:15:01,309
Look, I really don't think you
should make a big deal out of this.

317
00:15:01,325 --> 00:15:03,520
I just happen to be
a descendant of a guy.

318
00:15:03,527 --> 00:15:05,365
You could be the descendant
of George Washington.

319
00:15:05,373 --> 00:15:06,897
- I wouldn't know.
- Do you—

320
00:15:06,904 --> 00:15:09,199
- No, that was just a hypothetical.
- Could that be possible?

321
00:15:09,224 --> 00:15:13,139
Because, you know, I have always thought
that we shared very similar jaw lines.

322
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:14,834
Wow. That is something
to chew on.

323
00:15:14,857 --> 00:15:16,411
Anyway, okay.
It doesn't matter.

324
00:15:16,436 --> 00:15:18,103
I need this to be
very impressive.

325
00:15:18,123 --> 00:15:22,439
So head on in there and be
presidential... ly descendant.

326
00:15:22,453 --> 00:15:23,686
Just go in there. Okay?

327
00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:24,838
- Just walk, walk, walk.
- I don't—

328
00:15:24,861 --> 00:15:26,284
Quiet down. Walk in.

329
00:15:26,309 --> 00:15:28,661
Zack. Camp Wamapo,
you got a boner.

330
00:15:28,668 --> 00:15:30,396
We'll catch up.
What a dick.

331
00:15:30,421 --> 00:15:31,746
Hey!

332
00:15:31,771 --> 00:15:33,037
No.

333
00:15:33,051 --> 00:15:35,381
No, no, no, no, no, no.
What—Ron?

334
00:15:35,396 --> 00:15:36,193
What are you doing here?

335
00:15:36,208 --> 00:15:37,737
Setting up for our
press conference,

336
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,965
which will take place
immediately after yours.

337
00:15:39,988 --> 00:15:41,512
Are you crazy?
You can't do that.

338
00:15:41,531 --> 00:15:43,868
- Do you want me to bite him?
- No.

339
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:45,384
Ignore them.

340
00:15:45,409 --> 00:15:47,052
We start in ten minutes.

341
00:15:48,306 --> 00:15:52,165
Swanson, you didn't say anything about
ambushing Leslie's press conference.

342
00:15:52,180 --> 00:15:53,697
I didn't think it was relevant.

343
00:15:53,713 --> 00:15:55,400
Come on, man.
This isn't cool.

344
00:15:55,414 --> 00:15:58,764
This is a competition.
We need to win it.

345
00:15:58,789 --> 00:16:00,633
Please do your jobs.

346
00:16:01,267 --> 00:16:05,293
Good evening. Pawnee is a place of
culture, history, and heritage,

347
00:16:05,315 --> 00:16:07,463
and the National Park
Service is proud to say

348
00:16:07,478 --> 00:16:09,841
that we've discovered a new
chapter in the life

349
00:16:09,848 --> 00:16:13,174
of local hero and president,
William Henry Harrison.

350
00:16:13,189 --> 00:16:18,284
A heretofore unknown hunting
lodge was recently discovered

351
00:16:18,309 --> 00:16:21,498
smack dab in the middle
of the Newport land.

352
00:16:21,505 --> 00:16:24,215
What great
historical moments

353
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,704
took place within
these hallowed halls?

354
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:31,869
Did Harrison plan his presidential
campaign while sitting around the hearth?

355
00:16:31,894 --> 00:16:33,403
Which used to be there.

356
00:16:33,428 --> 00:16:36,754
Did he write letters to Thomas
Jefferson on his roll top desk?

357
00:16:36,777 --> 00:16:38,801
Which, you know, I don't
know, might have existed.

358
00:16:38,824 --> 00:16:40,355
The point is,

359
00:16:40,380 --> 00:16:45,703
William Henry Harrison would have wanted
this land preserved as a national park.

360
00:16:45,728 --> 00:16:48,166
Don't believe me?
Let's ask him.

361
00:16:48,181 --> 00:16:52,348
In the form of his direct
descendant, Zachary.

362
00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:57,193
Hi, I'm Zack.

363
00:16:58,362 --> 00:17:00,209
- Harrison.
- Amazing.

364
00:17:00,233 --> 00:17:04,170
Zachary, what is it like being
a descendant of William Henry Harrison?

365
00:17:04,195 --> 00:17:07,816
- Uh, Harrison's a pretty
common last name. - Okay, sit.

366
00:17:07,841 --> 00:17:12,951
Now. Travel back in time with me
to 1840 when William Henry Harrison,

367
00:17:12,976 --> 00:17:15,773
Old Tippecanoe,
runs for president.

368
00:17:15,796 --> 00:17:20,890
And his campaign rolls this
giant tin and paper ball

369
00:17:20,913 --> 00:17:25,325
from town to town, while
Americans everywhere sing along.

370
00:17:25,332 --> 00:17:26,332
Hit it, gang.

371
00:17:35,113 --> 00:17:36,551
They're talking
about this ball.

372
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:44,600
Van. Van's Martin van Buren.
That's who.

373
00:17:52,007 --> 00:17:53,992
Wow, that was cool.

374
00:17:54,015 --> 00:17:57,340
Said some boring idiot
from 200 years ago.

375
00:17:57,363 --> 00:17:59,664
Who cares about some dumb
grandpa and a tin ball?

376
00:17:59,682 --> 00:18:02,395
That's the past.
Gryzzl is the future.

377
00:18:02,410 --> 00:18:05,028
The Newport land will become
the Midwest headquarters

378
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:07,762
of America's most dynamic
technology company.

379
00:18:07,778 --> 00:18:11,458
Here to introduce our vision
is Annabel Riordan from Bloosh

380
00:18:11,473 --> 00:18:16,529
and the sexy ladies known in Pawnee
as The Somebody's Daughter Dancers.

381
00:18:18,510 --> 00:18:20,113
Fresh.

382
00:18:20,138 --> 00:18:23,154
Innovative. Place-Making.

383
00:18:23,176 --> 00:18:27,145
Disposable duvets.
Growth-Hacking.

384
00:18:27,170 --> 00:18:29,905
Super-Moon Gryzzl.

385
00:18:29,916 --> 00:18:35,458
Now come with me as we
binge watch the future.

386
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:42,182
That was sickening.
All flash and no substance.

387
00:18:42,201 --> 00:18:45,206
It was exactly as substantive
as your presentation.

388
00:18:45,229 --> 00:18:46,596
No, it was not.

389
00:18:46,621 --> 00:18:48,569
We had way more
quantity than you.

390
00:18:48,591 --> 00:18:50,499
Please. Please.

391
00:18:50,514 --> 00:18:57,259
For the love of all that is holy,
both of you, please sign this form.

392
00:18:57,284 --> 00:18:59,895
Not that it matters. I'm definitely
gonna wake up tomorrow morning

393
00:18:59,918 --> 00:19:01,714
with these same forms
for you to sign

394
00:19:01,739 --> 00:19:04,655
because I've died somehow
and now I'm a ghost

395
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:08,078
living in Purgatory until
I complete my unfinished business.

396
00:19:08,101 --> 00:19:10,328
Okay, I'm not signing
anything he's signing.

397
00:19:10,335 --> 00:19:12,226
Did you just hear
what I said?

398
00:19:12,233 --> 00:19:14,710
No, of course, you didn't,
because I'm a ghost.

399
00:19:14,725 --> 00:19:16,952
You know what?
I can't stand you.

400
00:19:16,975 --> 00:19:20,944
I can't stand your stupid
mustache and your stupid shirt,

401
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,179
and your stupid name, Ron.

402
00:19:23,194 --> 00:19:25,202
Ron. It's not even a word.

403
00:19:25,217 --> 00:19:28,554
Well, I have had just about
enough of your stubborn behavior.

404
00:19:28,562 --> 00:19:30,223
Ever since
the Morningstar incident,

405
00:19:30,238 --> 00:19:32,247
you have been completely
unreasonable.

406
00:19:32,269 --> 00:19:33,718
You are the unreasonable one!

407
00:19:33,742 --> 00:19:36,093
You've been unreasonable
way before Morningstar.

408
00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:38,511
You're the most unreasonable,
stubborn person I have ever met.

409
00:19:38,526 --> 00:19:40,283
And I am never gonna
change my mind on that,

410
00:19:40,299 --> 00:19:42,236
no matter what
anybody says!

411
00:19:43,651 --> 00:19:46,089
You're not that good
at scrapbooking.

412
00:19:46,790 --> 00:19:48,477
What?

413
00:19:49,918 --> 00:19:52,637
Okay, would you just
sign right here?

414
00:19:52,652 --> 00:19:55,292
And I will need your
thumbprints.

415
00:19:57,801 --> 00:19:59,879
Man, those two really
hate each other.

416
00:19:59,895 --> 00:20:01,887
That feud's like
Biggie-Tupac level.

417
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:04,566
Maybe even Morgan Freeman-
Shailene Woodley level.

418
00:20:04,574 --> 00:20:06,590
Nah, it's bad,
but it's not that bad.

419
00:20:06,605 --> 00:20:09,391
This is like when the triplets
fight, except I can't just give

420
00:20:09,414 --> 00:20:13,076
Leslie and Ron stuffed animals
to make them calm down.

421
00:20:13,101 --> 00:20:15,656
Actually, that might work.
Have we tried that?

422
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:17,040
They've always
butted heads.

423
00:20:17,064 --> 00:20:18,884
I really—I don't think
they hate each other.

424
00:20:18,908 --> 00:20:21,169
I just think they're
very different people

425
00:20:21,194 --> 00:20:24,875
and they just drifted apart once they
stopped working in the same office.

426
00:20:29,075 --> 00:20:32,770
- You okay? - Yeah, well I ordered
60 veggie pizzas to Ron's office,

427
00:20:32,778 --> 00:20:34,677
so that calmed me
down a little.

428
00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:36,992
I know you're
furious at him.

429
00:20:37,398 --> 00:20:41,718
But please, come to a neutral
site and sit with Ron

430
00:20:41,733 --> 00:20:44,853
for 30 seconds so I can get
this dumb document signed.

431
00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:46,579
Ugh.

432
00:20:46,604 --> 00:20:49,530
I'll let you rename the triplets
Ruth, Bader, and Ginsburg.

433
00:20:50,478 --> 00:20:53,716
Okay, fine. But I get
to sign first.

434
00:20:53,741 --> 00:20:55,117
Oh, my God.

435
00:20:55,142 --> 00:20:58,671
- All right, let's just get this over with.
- Oh, let me get that for you.

436
00:21:04,613 --> 00:21:06,233
- Got 'em.
- What?

437
00:21:06,258 --> 00:21:08,172
What's going on?
What's going on?

438
00:21:08,195 --> 00:21:10,703
- Let us out immediately.
- No.

439
00:21:10,726 --> 00:21:12,261
You guys are being
ridiculous.

440
00:21:12,276 --> 00:21:13,917
This has gone too far,

441
00:21:13,942 --> 00:21:17,268
and you are not leaving this
office until you've made peace.

442
00:21:18,930 --> 00:21:20,930
Nooo!

443
00:21:20,952 --> 00:21:29,952
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther