Then I'll live
in a mansion up
on a mountain
with fast internet.
How fast?
Faster... than you!
Whoa!
Watch it!
Beep, beep!
Yo, my horn is broken!
Let's go! Beep!
Oh, C.J.'s
here early.
Hey, can you
cover for me so
we can go hang out?
Sure, man!
Cool!
Double fisted!
Stab, stab, stab!
Oh, hey, man,
sorry about this.
I'm taking C.J.
to see that Swedish movie
with the crying, sooo...
Oh, okay.
Well, have fun.
I probably won't. It's pretty
cerebral and really sa-a-a-d!
Stab! Stab!
Hey, uh, sorry, but...
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Great!
Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!
So, if anyone has any
leads on this issue,
there is
a $12 reward. Oh.
Maybe Mordecai
has some insight
on who's been wrapping
the public toilet seats
with plastic wrap!
Sorry I'm late.
I was moving C.J.'s couch.
Oh, ho-ho!
I guess C.J.'s the remote
in that relationship
because she's the one
with all the control!
Does anyone want me to explain?
Do we get it?
We get it.
I'm afraid
I don't quite—
We get it!
Good thing
you're here.
I need you to help Rigby
change the light bulbs.
I can do that myself.
Yeah, sure you can.
Yeah, I can!
I help all the time!
Why are you laughing?
Bro, without Mordecai,
you'd be totally useless!
Wha? Come on, Mordecai,
tell 'em how useful I am.
Uh... yeah,
I mean, you're fun.
What?
No! tell 'em I'm useful!
Yeah. You're my friend.
Why aren't you
saying "useful"?
Well, I mean,
there was the time
with the chairs,
the limousine, the pretzel.
You're basically
the opposite of useful
pretty much anytime
we do anything.
But we did those
things together!
Yeah, I mean,
you were there.
So the whole time I've been
covering for you and C.J.?
Well, I mean,
it's the least you could do.
The least... I could...
I quit.
What?
I quit!
I can get
a paycheck anywhere!
Dude, you can't get
a job without me.
It's my references that got you
this job in the first place.
Reference this!
I'm gonna go out
and get a job,
and I'm gonna make money
at that job,
and that money's gonna come
in the form of a check,
and that check's gonna be
in an envelope,
and the envelope's
gonna be sealed,
and I'm gonna rub
that sealed envelope
all up in your face,
Mordecai!
Puh-eace!
[INHALES DEEPLY
Do you have
any openings
for somebody who wants to rub
something in his friend's face?
Oh, sure.
We have a variety of positions
for anyone with
a college diploma.
I never went to college.
Well, there are still some
for high-school graduates.
I never graduated
high school.
Oh. Well,
as long as you have
a driver's license...
Well, there is this one...
As long as I get a paycheck,
I'm doing it!
All right.
Hmm.
The name's Manny.
This here's
my moving company.
I built it from
the back up.
We got everything
you need here:
Cardboard boxes,
packing peanuts,
packing tape.
Hey, turn around.
What?
Hmm. Well, you only
have one butt cheek,
and you don't have
much of a back on you,
but we need as many backs as
we can get for this next job.
Okay. So, what should I do?
Just load up on the back of that
truck with the other flunkies.
All right,
you crumb bums,
we got a seven-bedroom
doghouse
we got to move in an hour!
Now, I don't
want to hear
anymore back talk
out of you back blisters,
or you're back
on the street!
Now, keep up the good work.
I respect the heck
out of ya!
Whoa there, new back!
What do you think
you're doing?
You got to lift
with your back!
What? Really?
We're called
"lift with your back"
for a reason! Are you
trying to ruin my brand?
Let me show you
how it's done, kid.
Ew!
Uh...
You want that paycheck,
you lift with your back!
Uh...
Come on!
What are you doing, kid?
Don't use the front door!
Use the back door!
But that's twice as far!
What, are you trying
to ruin my brand?
Get back there!
Hmm, the kid's got heart.
Oh, there you are.
I knew you were faking earlier.
Faking? Ha!
Does this look like
the back of a faker?
Look, I need you
to cover for me again.
C.J.'s half birthday is
tomorrow, it's pretty important.
What?
Are you serious?
Yeah, come on, man! You've
slacked off your whole life.
Can't I just have this?
No, you have things
all the time.
Player one, the bed, punchies,
a diploma, a girlfriend!
Oh, geez, is that
what this is about?
You not liking C.J.?
No, C.J. is cool,
but I help you
all the time with her,
and I helped you get
with and over, Margaret,
and you never even
thanked me!
Of course I did!
I think I did.
Four days, Mordecai.
Four days till I rub
that paycheck
all up in your sorry face!
Oh, uh, Rigby,
you're... still here.
As you know, room and board
is for employees only,
and we kind of need the space
for this old dot matrix printer.
Fine!
Maybe I'll stay
at a four-star hotel
with a pool!
Oh, with the paycheck
you earned
in a sealed envelope?
Yes, in a sealed
envelope!
Four more days.
Your back! You got
to use your back!
Agh, my back!
How was day two?
Ugh, all this
back-breaking labor
is killing my back.
I don't know if I can lift
with my back all week.
Maybe I should just take
my old job back.
Why do you keep
saying "back"?
It's all I hear
all day!
I don't mean to sound harsh,
but this seems like
a toxic work environment,
and your back's all
mangled and ropey.
Thanks. Ow!
Quit squirming.
Doesn't your boss know
to lift with your legs?
That's, like Hauling
and Packing 101.
Yeah, I don't know
what his deal is,
but he keeps saying
I've got heart or something.
Then that's the one thing
upon which we agree.
You've got heart, Rigby,
and in three days,
you'll have a paycheck, too.
Can I get a cup of coffee?
Got $1.50?
Now, today's
gonna be a big day,
and some of you schnooks
are looking a little
back-bottomed,
so I'm gonna play
the company song
to get your backs on track!
All right,
you pickle pouches,
time for your
back pay!
Joe! Murray!
Rorschach!
Rigby! Ah!
Hey, what the heck, man?
I've been doing your
back stuff all week!
Now pay up!
Oh, you'll get your paycheck.
Hey, what gives?
Tell him, Murray.
Hello, Rigby.
Murray.
I's kind of company tradition
that on your first paycheck,
you got to move
a full truck by yourself.
What?
Ae you serious?
Hey, my back is tied.
You want the paycheck,
you move the boxes!
Ugh! Eileen, why'd you
bring that guy here?
Because you guys
are friends,
and you always
support each other.
Dude, you don't have to go
through this to prove a point.
You got to stop, man.
Let me help.
No,
I'm doing it myself!
You're just gonna hurt
your back, dude!
Can't be worse than
when you stabbed it!
What? Come on!
You think the only thing
I'm useful for
is being your chump!
"Rigby, help me
get a girlfriend!"
"Let me borrow
your time machine, Rigby!"
"Rigby, I found a dumb sweater,
and I got to return it!"
All you do is use me, man.
But I never asked you
to do those things!
Of course you didn't!
I helped 'cause
you're my friend.
Then let me help you.
No, this is my job,
and I got to unload this truck!
You got to stop this,
boss!
You're killing him!
He's making me
proud out there!
I love that kid like he was
my own flesh and back!
Rigby, stop!
You're never
gonna walk again!
Rigby, enough
of this!
I know you're useful!
Now lift with your back so
you can get that paycheck!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
You did it, Rigby!
Rigby,
you're the worst
worker I've ever had,
and you're
like a son to me!
I...
quit.
I'm going back to my real job.
You'll...
You'll be back!
That was so awesome, dude!
You were all like,
"Wah! Pssh!"
Yeah, but— but did
you see when I was like,
"Hyah!
Aah!
But seriously, dude,
I was taking you for granted.
Thanks for helping me
all the time.
So, the conflict's
been mediated?
I just got to do
one more thing.
What's that?
In your fa...
fa...
Do you need
some help, dude?