1
00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:04,905
So, Jessica,
I heard you broke up with Brad.

2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:06,740
Who are you gonna date
now that you can date anyone?

3
00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:07,908
I don't know.

4
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:10,778
I mean, obviously if someone
special comes along...

5
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:13,347
B-But I mean
really special, like,

6
00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:15,749
nothing I've even remotely
considered in the past.

7
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:18,252
Holy shit, holy shit,
holy shit.
I want that kind of love like
that docking kind of love.

8
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:21,489
Oh, yeah.
Like, penis in the foreskin
kind of love...

9
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:25,159
Mm-hmm.
just, like,
warm, just like...

10
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,927
He...

11
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:31,098
Everybody fuck off.

12
00:00:31,131 --> 00:00:32,433
Morty, I need your help.

13
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,368
W-W-W-We ... We need to go
on a quick adventure.

14
00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:35,836
You said
I could go to school today.

15
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,871
That was before
I needed something, Morty.

16
00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:40,007
There's a plasma shard
in the Abadango Cluster.

17
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,610
A princess has it.
If I get it, I'll be awesome.

18
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:45,313
We've been going non-stop, Rick.
It's not healthy.

19
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:46,814
You know,
these are my teenage years.

20
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:48,616
I-I just found out
Jessica's single.

21
00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:51,785
Oh, that's ... Wow, Morty. Wow.
What an exciting life you lead.

22
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:54,555
Let's go. In and out,
20 minutes adventure.

23
00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:57,525
They're on our tail!

24
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,992
Steady, Morty.
Five cetons.

25
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:06,166
Steady, God damn it!
Two cetons.

26
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,901
Wha!

27
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,275
Fire!

28
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:18,145
Pull up, Morty, pull up!
Pull up!

29
00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:46,740
Fuck

30
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:51,712
Oh, FUCK!

31
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:52,880
Fuck

32
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:55,349
Ahh! Ahh!

33
00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:57,518
I can't fucking do this
anymore!

34
00:01:57,551 --> 00:02:00,020
That was seriously fucked up.
We almost died.

35
00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:03,357
So you agree?
Fuck yes!
That w... T-This was insane!

36
00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:04,692
That was pure luck.

37
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:07,127
I was not in control
of that situation at all.

38
00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:13,033
Look at this, Morty.
Look at my fucking hand.

39
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:16,270
Look at this shit.
Why do you keep doing this
to us?

40
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,738
I don't know, Morty.

41
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:19,307
Maybe I hate myself,
maybe I think I deserve to die.

42
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,041
I-I-I-I don't ...
I don't know!

43
00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:26,213
We need a vacation.

44
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,587
Isn't that something?
You were right ...

45
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,088
best day spa
in the galaxy.

46
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:09,523
It's not even cruel, either.

47
00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:10,958
These things are just doing what
they do in the wild ...

48
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:12,760
It loves swallowing
stressed-out creatures

49
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:14,428
for 20 minutes
and then puking them up.

50
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:16,664
My whole body's
like a baby's ass.

51
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,832
Complimentary
psychological detox?

52
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,468
Removes
all your cognitive toxins,

53
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:21,835
purifies your system.

54
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,671
Oof, this guy on commission
or something?

55
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,473
I don't think...
Are you on commission?

56
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,107
We're not on commission.

57
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,175
We get paid by the hour.

58
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,309
There's no incentive
really ...

59
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:30,378
Oh, my God.
Okay, listen ...

60
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:31,679
W-W-W-We'll try
the machine,

61
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,213
but ... but I'd like you
to try something.

62
00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:35,949
Try swallowing
the giant ball of snot

63
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,785
that's dangling around
in the back of your throat.

64
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,219
It's disgusting.

65
00:03:39,252 --> 00:03:40,554
Nobody wants to hear that.

66
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,358
That's what you do.
Okay, Rick, come on.
Enough.

67
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,360
Man, did you hear me bite
that guy's head off?

68
00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:47,961
Geez, I really need
to chill.

69
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:50,197
Maybe you should go through
twice.

70
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:53,401
All right, mister comedy man,
you don't have to bust my balls.
You're not helping things.

71
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:57,304
Rick, is this thing
supposed to be making this ...

72
00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:07,247
Morty!

73
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,749
- Ri-Rick...
- Morty!

74
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:10,418
What happened?

75
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:12,886
We blew up, idiot!
Are you really that stupid?

76
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,988
Obviously the guy I yelled at
overloaded the machine.

77
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:17,324
It takes more than that to kill
Rick and Morty, motherfucker!

78
00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:21,729
But this might do it.

79
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,664
Run, Morty!
E-Everything hurts!

80
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,566
That's because
you're worthless!

81
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,201
Jesus,
how big was this explosion?

82
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:29,837
I'm a genius. I don't have time
for this shit.

83
00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:31,872
W-W-We're in Hell,
aren't we, Rick?

84
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,007
- You're so stupid, Morty.
- You're an idiot.

85
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,843
There's no such thing as Hell.

86
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,011
I believe you,
but I just want to die.

87
00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:40,914
You can die when I say so.
I control you.

88
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,617
I control the universe!
Why am I bragging about that?

89
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:45,018
I have nothing to prove.

90
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:47,154
I'm surrounded by inferior
pieces of shit and...

91
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:50,190
Toxins.

92
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:53,026
We're not in Hell, Morty.
We're in the detoxifier.

93
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:55,195
The machine didn't blow up.
It worked normally.

94
00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:56,530
It removed our toxins.

95
00:04:56,564 --> 00:04:58,031
We're the toxins.

96
00:04:58,065 --> 00:04:59,032
Are you listening,

97
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:00,534
you stupid little
garbage person?

98
00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:02,770
We're what got removed!

99
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,575
I hope you both found that detox
sufficiently relaxing.

100
00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:10,043
Hey, man, listen ...
Those comments I made
about your throat?

101
00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:11,479
It's all good.

102
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,280
It's nice of you
to let me off the hook.

103
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,916
It's still unacceptable
behavior, and I do regret it.

104
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,885
Believe me, man, I've been
working here a long time.

105
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:18,986
I get it.

106
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,391
Hey, uh, you mind
if I put on some music?

107
00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:25,893
Not at all.

108
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:31,465
What is that?
I just hit shuffle.

109
00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,000
Are you kidding?

110
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:35,135
- This universe.
- Oh, excuse me.

111
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,104
We should listen to one random
song a day, you know?

112
00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:38,939
We'd end up hearing
more songs we didn't like,

113
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,641
but we'd discover
a lot more that we did.

114
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:41,975
That is
an interesting concept.

115
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,443
You know,
it makes me wonder

116
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:44,912
if there's
an algorithmic expression

117
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:46,480
that could achieve
the ideal ratio.

118
00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:47,815
Listen to me ...

119
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,618
trying to calculate
happiness over here.

120
00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,119
Hoo, if anyone could,
Rick.

121
00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:54,087
Hey, here's something
no science could measure ...

122
00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:56,456
I'm real proud
to be your grandpa, Morty.

123
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:58,425
Thanks, Rick.
I love you.

124
00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:00,928
Yeah, motherfucker!
Yeah! Get it! Get some!

125
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:03,096
Right up your fucking bitch ass,
you fuck!

126
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:05,032
Guess who just discovered
a new element?

127
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,800
You think you could do that,
Morty?

128
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:09,603
You think anyone but me could do
that ever in a billion years?

129
00:06:09,637 --> 00:06:11,639
Do you think if God existed
he could do it?

130
00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:12,806
The answer is no.

131
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,642
If God exists,
it's fucking me.

132
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,610
Yes, Rick.
I-I agree, Rick.

133
00:06:16,644 --> 00:06:19,346
While you were flapping
your parasitic turd holster,

134
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:22,115
I discovered the
toxic equivalent
of electricity, Morty.

135
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:23,651
What do you think
about that?

136
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:25,653
Uh... I th... I think my voice
is annoying.

137
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,454
It is,
and it's your best quality.

138
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:28,856
So true.

139
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,659
Now, who can tell me
the common denominator

140
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,026
of these two factions?

141
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,128
You don't know
or y'all just bored?

142
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:37,397
Hey, listen, you know, wha...
if we're all bored over here,

143
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:39,700
wouldn't the common denominator
be you?

144
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,135
Damn, Morty.
That's hilarious.

145
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:44,572
Normally I would come down
on any kind of disruption,

146
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,173
but it seems to represent
a positive change

147
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:47,207
for your character.

148
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,009
Class dismissed!

149
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:50,811
- Awesome, Morty!
- You done good, Morty.

150
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,145
Oh, yeah!

151
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:53,747
Thanks for the advice,
Morty.
You got it.

152
00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:55,415
I did it, Morty!
I knew you could.

153
00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:56,650
Hey, Morty,
remember yesterday

154
00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:58,218
when I couldn't
play the trombone?

155
00:06:58,251 --> 00:06:59,653
Well, check this out!

156
00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:02,823
Just like I told you,
Mitch ...

157
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:04,357
The music was in your heart
the whole time.

158
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:08,328
Stupid hat ... Wish I had
the courage to just be myself.

159
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,097
There you are.

160
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:14,001
You might have
all these idiots fooled,

161
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,670
but I know you're still
the same pathetic loser

162
00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:18,572
hiding behind
a confident facade.

163
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,240
I know that because...

164
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,710
I'm doing the same thing,
brother.

165
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:24,511
I'm not alone anymore!

166
00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:28,682
Hey, Morty. Word around school
is you've become super healthy.

167
00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:30,117
I don't know
about all that.

168
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,085
I do, however, know that I have
a pretty bad case of

169
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,521
haven't taken you
to dinner-itis.

170
00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:35,856
Might be fatal.

171
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,758
Hey, kids.
Uh, hope I'm not interrupting.

172
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,392
Morty,
a moment of your time?

173
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:40,594
Happy to help, Rick.

174
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,095
I hate to bug you
with this,

175
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,131
but after our morning hike
I started receiving very faint,

176
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:46,767
highly unusual transmissions
on my sub ether phone.

177
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:47,868
Listen.

178
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:53,941
It's a bad phone.
Chuck it.

179
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,043
I downgraded to a clamshell
for emergencies only.

180
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,711
You know, if ... if ... if
something's worth saying,

181
00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:58,946
I-it's worth eye contact.

182
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,914
Uh, I-I-I traced
the source of the call

183
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:02,716
back to the spa we went to,
Morty.

184
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:04,217
I thought I could hear
a voice in there,

185
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:07,287
so I enhanced it,
a-and listen.

186
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,322
Hey, asshole!
Oh, man!

187
00:08:09,356 --> 00:08:11,224
Remember us?
Oh, I don't like confrontation!

188
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:13,093
You fucked us,
you pieces of garbage!

189
00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:15,462
That's right,
you're fucking garbage, not us.

190
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,797
I'm a fucking genius
and a god.

191
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,331
You really think
this thing can hold me?

192
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:20,267
I'm gonna rip
your throat ...

193
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,903
Morty, what if the toxic parts
of us have their own identities,

194
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:24,171
their own will to live?

195
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,906
W-What if mine shares
my intelligence

196
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,775
and devised a way
to reach out to us?

197
00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:28,976
Sounds like
he's in a lot of pain.

198
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,144
Lot. O. Pain.

199
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,113
But, you know, you shouldn't
have to deal with that, man.

200
00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:34,614
You know,
l-let's work off your trauma

201
00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:35,749
with some urban spin yoga.

202
00:08:35,783 --> 00:08:37,417
It's amazing.
You do yoga on a bike,

203
00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:38,852
but you have
an at-risk preteen ...

204
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,754
I don't think I can
just blow this off, Morty.

205
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:43,590
If I had known it worked this
way, I wouldn't have detoxed.

206
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:45,492
Well, I would have
because I was toxic.

207
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,762
Now I'm detoxed and I'm
accountable to my toxins, right?

208
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:51,765
I-It's a dilemma.
I think I know what to do.

209
00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:53,533
Morty!
Rick!

210
00:08:53,566 --> 00:08:56,103
You know, the only problem here
is a big fat brain

211
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,271
that misses eating
all them big fat problems.

212
00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:01,108
Focus on the good thing.
Trust me, things are good.

213
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:03,010
Taking that away from me...

214
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,778
that wouldn't be
healthy.

215
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:10,684
Oh, man. World's Greatest
Grandpa, for reals.

216
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,452
It's not just a coffee cup
for you, bud.

217
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:13,887
You're legit.

218
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,293
I love drums.
I never took drum lessons.

219
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:23,230
Why? Limitations. We are
addicted to our own limitations.

220
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,231
How amazing is that?

221
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,632
Is the kale prepared
in the kitchen?

222
00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:27,067
I'll have a water.
Uh...

223
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,737
How is the...
"cru-dite?"

224
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,072
Crudité.
It's a cup of carrot sticks.

225
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:34,141
Ha! It's okay!
Pronounce it however you want.

226
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,043
Words are just things.
Please. Thank you.

227
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,477
We're having
a conversation.

228
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:39,646
God, I am so excited
to finally have dinner with you.

229
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:41,514
You know how long
I've been waiting for this?

230
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:42,750
It's like, whew!

231
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:44,317
I-I-I wish you'd shut up,
though.

232
00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:46,319
Just kidding. You know,
you're so quiet. What's wrong?

233
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:47,888
W-Why don't you tell me
about yourself?

234
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,389
What's the atmosphere like
on planet Jessica?

235
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,892
Where's the equator,
what are the vacations,

236
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,393
a-and the holidays?

237
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,495
I mean, you know,
are they the same time?

238
00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:58,165
Talk to me.
Well... I...
like this restaurant.

239
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:01,434
Holy shit! Holy shit!
We have a moron over here!

240
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:02,836
I'm an idiot.

241
00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:04,104
I can't believe I haven't
thought of this.

242
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:05,906
You have to do
this detox thing I did.

243
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,707
It's an alien spa,
you go through it,

244
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:08,776
fwoos-s-s-ssh,

245
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,844
lasers, bwaa-bwaa-bwaa...

246
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:13,280
sucks everything out.

247
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:15,082
Everything that was holding me
back, everything bad,

248
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,683
I mean, it just...

249
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:18,185
Right?

250
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:20,187
Cooooool.

251
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,422
Oh, my God!
I can't believe this.

252
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,391
Yeah, phones are awful,
I downgraded to ...

253
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,059
I totally forgot my...

254
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:29,462
I have a... thing, and...

255
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:32,065
Things are good.
You know what?
Why am I doing that?

256
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:33,466
That's more rude
than the truth.

257
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,769
Look, I'm sorry, Morty.
I just don't think ...

258
00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:39,206
Do not. Even.
You have no need to explain.

259
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:41,541
It's all good.
I think you'd get bored
with me.

260
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,743
E-Exactly.
Look, the sparks aren't flying.

261
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,378
This is what dating is for,
you know?

262
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:47,314
First date, no sparks.

263
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,783
No damage, no worries.
Life is a highway.

264
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:51,551
We're gonna ride it
all night lonnngg!

265
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:53,420
Gonna eat some "crudite."
Mmm!

266
00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:56,223
Is this organic? Mmm.
All right.

267
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:57,958
You know,
the evening continues.

268
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,093
Okay, here we go.

269
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:02,429
Ma'am, I'm afraid I have
some bad news for you.

270
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:04,131
Your money's no good here.

271
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,632
I'll ... I'll get the next round,
sir.

272
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:08,268
Aren't you a child?
Only in the ways
that matter.

273
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:10,403
Morty.
Stacy.

274
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:11,905
I've been watching you drink,
Stacy.

275
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:13,306
I get the feeling
you've got a hard job.

276
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,175
I wonder what it takes
to please you.

277
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,310
That's the job I want ...
part time, full time,

278
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,146
I want to be good at it,
bad at it,

279
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:22,115
I want to get promoted, fired,
corner office, hostile takeover,

280
00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:24,417
workplace accident ...
I'm on my knees, Stacy ...

281
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:27,254
praying, worshipping, begging,
whatever you want.

282
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:30,757
What do you think about that?

283
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:31,992
Okay. Fuck it.

284
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,293
Tink.

285
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:36,363
Mm!

286
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,598
Let's ask my grandpa.
He's a scientist.

287
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:41,801
Hey, Rick, are you familiar
with "Ben Wa" technology?

288
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,103
Morty, great news.

289
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:44,337
I went back to the spa
and they let me purchase

290
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,106
the containment unit
from their detoxifier.

291
00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:48,108
Why?
Because we're coming home,
bitch!

292
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:51,278
What is this?
This is the parts of your pussy
grandpa that keep it real.

293
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,513
Oh ... oh, and I think you
dropped something, too!

294
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:54,614
I don't want to be
on camera.

295
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:56,049
I'm ugly and gross,
please.

296
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:57,951
Should I go?
You're your own person,
Stacy.

297
00:11:57,985 --> 00:11:58,986
Then I'd like to stay.

298
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,487
Rick, please tell me

299
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,389
you're not trying to put
that stuff back inside of us.

300
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:04,824
Morty, I'm sorry. That stuff
is alive and it belongs with us.

301
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:07,194
We yanked them from their homes
and locked them in a can.

302
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,728
Motherfucker!

303
00:12:08,761 --> 00:12:10,130
See?
They're living in pain.

304
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:11,999
That's what they do, Rick,
they live in pain.

305
00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:13,666
They are pain, you know?

306
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:15,402
They ... they're all the bad
parts of us, which, by the way,

307
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:16,870
includes our dishonesty,

308
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,805
so how do you know this isn't
all some sort of crazy trick?

309
00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:21,741
Oh, so now because I'm
made entirely of toxins
I'm also a liar?

310
00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:23,376
Fuck you,
you little sociopath.

311
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,545
You hear this, Morty?
Oh, everybody hates me.
I can tell.

312
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,147
Y-You all
hate me ...
All right,
shut up, Morty.

313
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,715
Healthy Rick,
are we doing this or what?

314
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,417
Yep. Sorry, Morty. I need you
to step into the booth.

315
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,652
Don't negotiate
with that little turd, dummy.

316
00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:34,221
You're the Rick.
You need to show dominance.

317
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:37,757
Morty, booth, now. Booth!

318
00:12:37,790 --> 00:12:39,326
Come on, Morty.
Don't touch me!

319
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,828
Morty, do the healthy thing and
voluntarily retoxify yourself.

320
00:12:41,861 --> 00:12:43,096
Nooooo!

321
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:44,564
Is it wrong if I think
this is kind of hot?

322
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,599
Let me out of here!
Stacy, help! Open the door!

323
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,435
I need to hear our safe word,
Morty.

324
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:50,337
Sea Cucumber!
Sea Cucumber!

325
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:52,505
What are you doing?
I'll do anything for you,
Morty.

326
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:54,107
No!

327
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:59,112
It worked! Yes!
That idiot believed every word.

328
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:01,248
Now let's see how he enjoys
living in that shit tank.

329
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:03,016
He's right behind me,
isn't he?

330
00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:06,019
He's in front of you.
Oh.
My eyes are still adjusting.

331
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:07,887
Uh, is this like
a sex dungeon?

332
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:10,123
I guess I should've been
paying attention.

333
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:13,126
After 70 years
of being bottled up

334
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,527
inside a
sentimental jackass,

335
00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:16,363
I finally get to live
my own life.

336
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:19,299
You said we were merging.
I lied, dumb-ass!
I lie about everything!

337
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,634
Why would I ever re-merge
with a pussy like you?

338
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:23,536
So... you were just gonna trap us
in that tank?

339
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:26,806
T-That was your plan?
Not wa motherfucker ...
still is.

340
00:13:26,839 --> 00:13:28,408
Kill him, Rick!

341
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:29,776
I don't like this!
This is scary!

342
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:30,877
All right,
you asked for it.

343
00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:32,479
Did I ask for this?

344
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:35,082
Did I ask for this?
Huh? Did I?

345
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,150
Assessing threat to groin.

346
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:39,419
Groin System 6000.
Kill him!

347
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,322
That... is my groin's user.

348
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:43,823
Believe me, I got a lot more use
out of that thing

349
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:45,125
than he ever did.

350
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,660
You know what?
Not my table.

351
00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:55,502
You do know me.

352
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:56,836
What the hell,
Grandpa Rick?

353
00:13:56,869 --> 00:13:58,271
Fuck you, Summer!
Sorry, Summer!

354
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:01,674
Okay, okay, take it easy.
Don't do it.

355
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:03,910
I love you. Good boy.

356
00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:05,012
Daddy's little boy.

357
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,446
Summer,
get out of here! Go!

358
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:07,514
Oh, who's that?

359
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,016
Who's
that over there?

360
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,784
Oh, no. You see the bad man
in front of you?

361
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:13,086
You're a good little boy,
you're gonna get him.

362
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,954
You're gonna get him.

363
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,624
Ahh!

364
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,559
Son of a...

365
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:27,634
Ahh!

366
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,204
Nice try, asshole.

367
00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:32,872
We can resolve
our issues.

368
00:14:32,905 --> 00:14:34,774
We don't need to resort
to over-the-top ...

369
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:37,644
Aah!

370
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,379
I-I did it, Rick.
I got the tank!

371
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:41,214
I-I'm a piece of shit,
but I got the tank!

372
00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:43,050
You're going in that tank,
motherfucker.

373
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:44,717
You're gonna live in
that toxic shit wasteland

374
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:45,718
like I had to do!

375
00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:47,120
Ahh!
Ow!

376
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:52,725
That's right, motherfucker
You're going in that fucking ...

377
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:55,895
Dads?

378
00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:57,397
Okay, just ...
just leave her out of it.

379
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:58,731
What's going on?

380
00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,233
All right, fuck this.
Time for plan B ...

381
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:01,901
If I can't trap you
in a toxic world,

382
00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:06,173
I'll just make the whole world
toxic.

383
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:07,540
It's okay, girls.

384
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,742
I-I'm so sorry I put us in
danger with some of my behavior.

385
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:12,212
I-If you'd like I can go out
in the g-garden,

386
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,847
pick some fresh basil,
and make us a nice Scallopini.

387
00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:16,583
What did the booger version
of you mean

388
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:19,319
when he said he was going
to make the whole world toxic?

389
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:22,389
Believe me, sweetie, that man's
motivations are a mystery.

390
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,324
Screw that, Rick.
We got to stop him.

391
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,759
What's the last thing
you'd think about doing
with that tank thing?

392
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:28,761
Morty, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

393
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:30,397
but it's not our place,
you know,

394
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,699
to pick and choose which world
gets saved from what apocalypse.

395
00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:35,602
Our ... our toxins have as much
a right to their worldview as ...

396
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,904
Morty, how is it healthy
to slap me?

397
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,172
Obviously
my version of health

398
00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:40,907
is a hell of a lot different
from yours,

399
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,175
you useless old turd.

400
00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:43,443
Wait. That's it.

401
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:45,245
How could that detox machine
know the difference

402
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,348
between healthy and sick for
everything that goes through it?

403
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,782
It can't.

404
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:51,684
It must be by the individual's
own definition of toxicity.

405
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,286
That means...

406
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,288
Dad!
What the ...
What the hell, Rick?

407
00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:56,289
I'll explain on the way.

408
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:57,924
This "Moon Tower," Morty,

409
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,059
is the perfect height
and metallic composition

410
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:02,195
for the amplification
and beaming of toxic energies.

411
00:16:02,229 --> 00:16:03,563
What do you think about that,
Morty?

412
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:05,064
Are you excited about that,
Morty?

413
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:07,934
Oh, man. I'm just freaked out.
I-It's too high up here.

414
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,402
Once I flip this switch,

415
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:11,804
the entire world is gonna
be just as toxic as us, baby.

416
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,747
As we praise
our loving Father ...

417
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:23,783
God is a lie!
We made him up for money!

418
00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:31,224
Santa Claus isn't real.

419
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:33,993
You were all mistakes!

420
00:16:34,026 --> 00:16:36,763
We fucking did it, Morty.

421
00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:38,131
Put your fucking hands
in the air.

422
00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:39,732
Yeah, you little piece
of shit.

423
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,601
Remember me?

424
00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:44,271
Didn't you learn last time
that you can't beat me?

425
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:46,173
Yeah, I did. And then I learned
something else.

426
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,940
- This.
- Ahh!

427
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:50,343
That bullet is laced with an
encrypted nanobotic virus

428
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:53,079
that will disintegrate your
Morty in about, ah, 20 minutes.

429
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,281
You think I give a shit?

430
00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:55,848
I know you give a shit,
dummy.

431
00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:56,983
Because I know I don't.

432
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,351
Here's another thing
I know ...

433
00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:00,119
the decryption key
that neutralizes the virus.

434
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:01,488
You want it?
Come and get it.

435
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,256
Merge with me and you'll know
how to save him.

436
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:04,957
Pfft. Come on, man.
I've been trapped

437
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:06,693
in your pussy brain
for 70 years of delusions,

438
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:09,696
but this is the all-time weakest
bluff that I've ever ...

439
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:11,631
Ow-Ohh!
Jesus Christ!
What are you doing?

440
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:13,533
He's cutting your time
in half. 10 minutes.
Ohh! It hurts!

441
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,034
What is your problem?

442
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:17,870
Oh, I had all my problems
removed ... my entitlement,

443
00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:19,872
my narcissism,
my crippling loneliness,

444
00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:21,374
my irrational attachments.

445
00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:23,510
They must be somewhere.
They ain't over here, bro.

446
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:24,877
I'm not going back in there!

447
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,513
Honestly,
I don't care either way.

448
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,947
I hate having you in me.

449
00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,282
And when I say "honestly"
you can believe it,

450
00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:31,050
because we both know
I'm too healthy to lie.

451
00:17:31,083 --> 00:17:32,552
Watch.

452
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,521
All right! Knock it off!
You're not impressing anyone.

453
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,556
Morty, not that I give
a shit, but are you okay?

454
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,558
Jesus Christ, it hurts.
Relax, quit your bitching.

455
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,827
Y-You're gonna be fine.
Grandpa's here.

456
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,362
You think that's funny?

457
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,397
Y-You got to have a sense
of humor about these things.

458
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:45,832
Oh, wait, you can't.

459
00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:47,867
You're literally incapable
of seeing the bigger picture.

460
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,469
I guess it's just funny
because you've never done

461
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,238
anything but complain
about me being in charge,

462
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:54,006
but if I ever gave you the wheel
we'd be dead in five minutes.

463
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,709
- Rick?
- You poor, dumb, sick animal.

464
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:57,744
Rick?

465
00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:59,912
Ahh! Just do it!

466
00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:01,848
Just do it, you piece of ...

467
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:06,686
I'm back, baby! Regular Rick!
Master of both worlds!

468
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:07,987
Check it it out!

469
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:09,522
"Excuse me."

470
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:12,091
Now we'll just reverse
this hacky toxicity beam.

471
00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:13,926
Man, I really over think shit
when I'm angry.

472
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:19,266
Oh, give it to me.

473
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:21,668
Mm, ma-mah.

474
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,537
God is not a lie.

475
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:34,747
Mommy! Mommy!

476
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:35,948
Ha! All right, Morty,

477
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:37,784
now it's time we re-merge
your little ass.

478
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:39,118
You're a better man
than me, Rick.

479
00:18:39,151 --> 00:18:40,453
I'm healthy
enough to admit that!

480
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:43,122
That kid
is a real piece of shit.

481
00:18:43,155 --> 00:18:44,223
Y-Y-You're gonna save me,
right?

482
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:46,393
Part of me wanted to,
Toxic Morty.

483
00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:49,729
Part of me
really wanted to.

484
00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:52,865
I'm telling you,
these shares are hot. Yeah.

485
00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:55,134
That sounds like a good idea.
It's definitely a good idea.

486
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:57,637
Duane, Duane, Duane, I get it,
now can you get me?

487
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,138
Have I ever lied to you?

488
00:18:59,171 --> 00:19:02,575
That's right, and ask around,
I never do, Duane.

489
00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:03,976
Let me put this real simple.

490
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:06,313
This stock is a beautiful
redhead, recently single,

491
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:08,648
not looking to date
but ready to fall in love,

492
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:11,718
and fate has put her locker
two down from yours, Duane ...

493
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,453
two lockers down.

494
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,488
So step up or step off,
Duane.

495
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:18,358
Blue pill or red pill,
what'll be, bro?

496
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,961
Totally understand, Duane.

497
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,630
You're the boss.

498
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,064
Heinholz Biotech ...

499
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:26,999
million and a half
at thirty-three.

500
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,968
Heh.

501
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,003
You little fucking monster.

502
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:36,609
Mmm! Is this organic?

503
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:38,144
Mmm!

504
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,780
Go for Morty.

505
00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:42,615
Hi, Morty. It's Jessica.

506
00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:44,784
Look, can we just talk
for a minute?

507
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:47,186
Is that how long it takes
for Rick to trace my location?

508
00:19:47,219 --> 00:19:49,589
Come back, Morty.
I miss you.

509
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:50,623
You miss the old me.

510
00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:51,958
You miss someone
that loved you so much

511
00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:53,259
you never
had to love 'em back.

512
00:19:53,292 --> 00:19:54,861
How do you know
I don't want to love you?

513
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:57,196
Because I'm not sick.
Ex-girlfriend?

514
00:19:57,229 --> 00:19:59,766
Should I be jealous?
There's nothing to be
jealous of.

515
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:02,134
I just realized that
I'm scheduled to speak
at that fundraiser

516
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:03,703
on our date night.

517
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:06,839
I can cancel.
We'll be together.
That's a date.

518
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:08,541
You are the perfect man.

519
00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:11,210
Oh, sweetie, I think you hit
the wrong button.

520
00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:12,512
You didn't hang up.

521
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,714
Huh. How 'bout that?

522
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,220
Sorry, tiny American Psycho,

523
00:20:21,253 --> 00:20:23,390
time to take the opposite
of your medicine.

524
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:26,393
Do what you got to do.

525
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:29,328
Oh! Ow! Ahh!

526
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:31,230
So, how do you feel,
Morty?

527
00:20:31,263 --> 00:20:33,866
Ah, geez. I'm miserable.
Am I good or what?

528
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,202
I guess it's worth it, though,
to know how much you care.

529
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,905
Care? Me?
Morty, I'm fine with you.

530
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,740
I only did this for him.
You lying bitch.

531
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:43,376
She kept coming to our house,
Morty, and kept asking me

532
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:45,545
"Did ... did ... d-did you get
a new Morty yet?"

533
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,580
Because you kept drunk dialing
me and crying about it.

534
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:48,815
I wasn't crying!

535
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:50,149
Jacquelyn, I ...

536
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:51,851
I-I-I wasn't
who I said I was.

537
00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:54,320
You weren't a 14-year-old boy
from the Midwest

538
00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:56,523
who ran away from his family
and capitalized

539
00:20:56,556 --> 00:20:59,225
on his lack of conscience
by becoming a stock broker?

540
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,428
Oh. I guess I was pretty
up front about that, wasn't I?

541
00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:03,195
You were up front
about everything.

542
00:21:03,229 --> 00:21:04,397
You were my soul mate.

543
00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:08,200
Well...
N... Not anymore. I'll, um...

544
00:21:08,234 --> 00:21:09,602
Y-You can keep the apartment,

545
00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:11,738
and ... and ... and,
uh... the drones.

546
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:12,939
She can't keep the drones.

547
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,206
They turn into
a little Voltron robot.

548
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,274
They're awesome.

549
00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:18,611
You can't keep the drones.

550
00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:21,681
So, how was your date
with Brad?

551
00:21:21,714 --> 00:21:23,750
It wasn't a date.
We were just having lunch.

552
00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:25,552
You guys are getting
back together, aren't you?

553
00:21:25,585 --> 00:21:26,953
Morty, I need your help
on an adventure.

554
00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:28,387
Eh, "need"
is a strong word.

555
00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:30,457
We need door stops,
but a brick would work, too.

556
00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,625
Okay.

557
00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:34,961
Morty.

558
00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:36,663
Good to have you back.

559
00:21:38,330 --> 00:21:39,632
Have you ever been peed on
before?

560
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:42,469
Oh, my God. Yum.

561
00:22:16,002 --> 00:22:18,671
Although only a handful
of moon towers remain today,

562
00:22:18,705 --> 00:22:21,508
they were popular
in the late 19th century.

563
00:22:21,541 --> 00:22:24,010
An entire town could be
illuminated by...

564
00:22:24,043 --> 00:22:25,512
What the hell is this?

565
00:22:27,279 --> 00:22:28,915
Sea Cucumber!

566
00:22:28,948 --> 00:22:31,317
Sea Cucumber!