1 00:00:02,849 --> 00:00:05,134 Come on, football! Go, go! 2 00:00:07,259 --> 00:00:08,682 Oh, come on. 3 00:00:08,740 --> 00:00:10,307 Play football! 4 00:00:18,901 --> 00:00:20,066 Aaah! 5 00:00:21,144 --> 00:00:22,660 So, you're mining stuff to craft with 6 00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:24,160 and crafting stuff to mine with? 7 00:00:24,223 --> 00:00:26,112 - Uh-huh. - Did your dad write this game? 8 00:00:26,170 --> 00:00:27,170 Mean. 9 00:00:30,349 --> 00:00:33,793 Gentlemen, you're needed by a friend in Washington! 10 00:00:33,943 --> 00:00:35,730 How clandestine. 11 00:00:37,394 --> 00:00:38,611 If they can teleport, 12 00:00:38,669 --> 00:00:40,052 - why did we take... - I just work here, Steve, 13 00:00:40,109 --> 00:00:41,410 same as you! 14 00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:44,402 All right. All right, all right. 15 00:00:44,809 --> 00:00:47,019 - Mr. President. - It's about time, gentlemen. 16 00:00:47,097 --> 00:00:48,614 - Rick, do you need to drink in here? - Yes. 17 00:00:48,671 --> 00:00:49,715 Here's the adventure. 18 00:00:49,773 --> 00:00:51,519 Some kind of alien... googa 19 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,580 has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. 20 00:00:53,665 --> 00:00:55,457 I want it hunted down and taken out. 21 00:00:55,515 --> 00:00:56,910 Kennedy Sex Tunnels? 22 00:00:56,968 --> 00:00:58,480 Naturally, you'll forget you saw them, 23 00:00:58,538 --> 00:01:00,644 along with, in order of national embarrassment, 24 00:01:00,721 --> 00:01:02,821 the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, 25 00:01:02,899 --> 00:01:04,754 and the Lincoln Slave Coliseum. 26 00:01:04,954 --> 00:01:06,387 He didn't free them all. 27 00:01:06,464 --> 00:01:07,781 And let me know when you're done. 28 00:01:07,839 --> 00:01:08,861 Maybe then we could get a selfie? 29 00:01:08,918 --> 00:01:11,168 Too busy, Morty. Now tell me about this summit. 30 00:01:11,226 --> 00:01:13,230 Is it a peace one or a regular one? 31 00:01:23,957 --> 00:01:25,449 Ugh. This sucks. 32 00:01:25,549 --> 00:01:26,649 God, tell me about it. 33 00:01:26,707 --> 00:01:28,289 Oh, man. If you're not into it... 34 00:01:28,347 --> 00:01:30,037 What do you mean? Why would I be into it? 35 00:01:30,095 --> 00:01:32,160 - It's lame. - You're into lame stuff, Morty. 36 00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:34,363 I thought young dumb people considered it an honor 37 00:01:34,421 --> 00:01:36,371 to work for presidents or whatever the shit. 38 00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,824 Maybe the first few times, but this just sucks. 39 00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:40,613 He treats us like Ghostbusters. 40 00:01:40,671 --> 00:01:42,505 - We should talk to him. - Yeah, that sounds fun. 41 00:01:42,562 --> 00:01:44,904 Let's set some boundaries with a spoiled control freak 42 00:01:44,977 --> 00:01:45,933 that thinks he runs the world 43 00:01:45,991 --> 00:01:48,351 and orders drone strikes to cope with his insecurity. 44 00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,574 It's either that or more of this. 45 00:01:50,771 --> 00:01:51,965 Third choice... 46 00:01:52,069 --> 00:01:53,698 - "Minecraft." - You like it now? 47 00:01:53,756 --> 00:01:54,796 Got to be honest, Morty. 48 00:01:54,854 --> 00:01:55,918 It's growing on me. 49 00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:57,376 Notify the president. 50 00:01:57,434 --> 00:01:58,462 What do I tell him? 51 00:01:58,520 --> 00:01:59,722 Tell him the truth. 52 00:01:59,943 --> 00:02:03,355 Tell him Rick and Morty just blew off America. 53 00:02:35,666 --> 00:02:37,158 You can use that wood to make a chest. 54 00:02:37,216 --> 00:02:38,688 Oh, good. Then I can store all this wood 55 00:02:38,745 --> 00:02:40,281 I'll need later for chest-making. 56 00:02:40,347 --> 00:02:41,425 Okay. You're not going to have fun 57 00:02:41,482 --> 00:02:42,666 if you analyze everything. 58 00:02:42,743 --> 00:02:43,972 This is what they'd rather do? 59 00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:45,573 It's all in the transcript. 60 00:02:45,939 --> 00:02:47,526 "Treats us like Ghostbusters." 61 00:02:47,622 --> 00:02:49,452 So, Ghostbusters aren't cool now? 62 00:02:49,534 --> 00:02:51,018 I don't recall signing that bill. 63 00:02:51,076 --> 00:02:52,151 "Control freak." 64 00:02:52,209 --> 00:02:54,557 "Orders drone strikes to cope with..." 65 00:02:56,103 --> 00:02:57,173 "Insecurity." 66 00:02:57,231 --> 00:02:58,356 Should we drone-strike them? 67 00:02:58,414 --> 00:03:00,573 - That would prove them right! - And blow him up. 68 00:03:00,631 --> 00:03:01,815 Give me the phone. 69 00:03:01,873 --> 00:03:03,776 Is this game popular with autistic people? 70 00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:05,315 Why would you say something like that? 71 00:03:05,373 --> 00:03:06,822 'Cause I'm starting to love it. 72 00:03:07,735 --> 00:03:09,827 "Failure to answer is a felony offense"? 73 00:03:09,885 --> 00:03:12,604 Play it cool. As far as he knows, we're still in the tunnels. 74 00:03:13,674 --> 00:03:15,202 When should we reveal we can see them? 75 00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:16,885 We're holding all the cards right now. 76 00:03:16,955 --> 00:03:18,721 We don't show any before the time is right. 77 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,136 - Awesome. - Yello? 78 00:03:20,194 --> 00:03:21,764 Hi, guys. U.S. President calling. 79 00:03:21,838 --> 00:03:23,205 - How's it going? - Oh, hey. 80 00:03:23,263 --> 00:03:25,213 Just hard at work on this sex tunnel gagoo. 81 00:03:25,271 --> 00:03:27,272 I think it's kind of our new archnemesis, you know? 82 00:03:27,330 --> 00:03:28,358 It might take a while. 83 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:29,717 What do you think, Morty... a month? 84 00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:31,494 Fingers crossed, a month, yeah. 85 00:03:32,665 --> 00:03:33,865 You lying dicks! 86 00:03:33,932 --> 00:03:35,522 I see your asses playing "Minecraft"! 87 00:03:35,580 --> 00:03:36,849 I got you on satellite! 88 00:03:36,914 --> 00:03:38,174 That's right. 89 00:03:38,244 --> 00:03:39,542 What do you have to say for yourselves? 90 00:03:39,599 --> 00:03:41,585 Okay, obviously, this looks bad, Mr. President. 91 00:03:41,643 --> 00:03:42,960 I mean, what doesn't look bad 92 00:03:43,018 --> 00:03:44,109 through an illegal spy satellite? 93 00:03:44,166 --> 00:03:45,479 Don't high-road me. 94 00:03:45,537 --> 00:03:47,260 The two of you break 1,000 federal laws a day. 95 00:03:47,318 --> 00:03:48,724 - Wow, really? - That's pretty cool. 96 00:03:48,754 --> 00:03:51,108 And, yes, yes, yes, yes, you save the world now and then. 97 00:03:51,166 --> 00:03:52,448 America returns that favor 98 00:03:52,506 --> 00:03:54,874 by not holding the two of you accountable to its laws. 99 00:03:54,932 --> 00:03:56,647 - Oh! - Oh! Oh, God. 100 00:03:56,705 --> 00:03:58,377 We... We didn't know you saw it that way. 101 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,218 Well, it's nobody's fault. 102 00:04:00,276 --> 00:04:02,069 We never had "the talk," so to speak. 103 00:04:02,135 --> 00:04:03,183 Yeah. I mean, the way we see it, 104 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,857 when we show up, that's the favor to you. 105 00:04:05,974 --> 00:04:08,054 Especially, you know, when it turns out 106 00:04:08,112 --> 00:04:10,094 you wanted someone to come over just because you found 107 00:04:10,151 --> 00:04:11,718 an "X-Files" monster in your basement. 108 00:04:11,776 --> 00:04:14,979 As for the reason you've never, like, arrested us, 109 00:04:15,057 --> 00:04:17,026 we assumed you just knew that it was impossible, 110 00:04:17,084 --> 00:04:18,502 like, if you tried. 111 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,908 You know, it wouldn't go well. 112 00:04:21,669 --> 00:04:24,901 Wouldn't go well? Can you elaborate? 113 00:04:24,959 --> 00:04:27,854 I think one of your 1,000 laws says, no, I can't elaborate. 114 00:04:27,971 --> 00:04:29,780 Just trust me. None of us want to go there. 115 00:04:29,838 --> 00:04:31,229 Which we'll never have to. 116 00:04:31,323 --> 00:04:33,190 By the way, we'll keep on saving the Earth. 117 00:04:33,252 --> 00:04:34,847 You know, we're... we're happy to do that. 118 00:04:34,904 --> 00:04:36,312 Yeah, but not because it contains America... 119 00:04:36,369 --> 00:04:38,971 because moving to a new version of Earth is a bitch and a half. 120 00:04:39,041 --> 00:04:41,632 But feel free to call us, you know, as... as, like, friends. 121 00:04:41,690 --> 00:04:44,065 Yeah, like, if you ever want to take a selfie... 122 00:04:44,510 --> 00:04:46,127 So, are we cool? 123 00:04:47,315 --> 00:04:48,914 Yes. Thank you, gentlemen. 124 00:04:49,221 --> 00:04:50,319 I told you, man! 125 00:04:50,377 --> 00:04:52,869 I'm impressed, Morty. That went really well. 126 00:04:55,098 --> 00:04:57,068 Everybody, get ahold of yourselves! 127 00:04:57,137 --> 00:04:59,507 Sir, what is our new Rick and Morty policy? 128 00:04:59,565 --> 00:05:02,432 Our policy is, we never needed them and never will again. 129 00:05:02,629 --> 00:05:05,026 Today, we celebrate our independence 130 00:05:05,094 --> 00:05:06,479 from Rick and Morty. 131 00:05:07,448 --> 00:05:08,682 Everyone out. 132 00:05:18,329 --> 00:05:20,696 All this spring at Clothes Mart, there's a clothes sale. 133 00:05:20,777 --> 00:05:22,114 Come on down to the clothes section. 134 00:05:22,172 --> 00:05:24,298 I just put it on for fun. I know I can't buy it. 135 00:05:24,356 --> 00:05:27,321 Oh, come on. You look great! You're only young once. 136 00:05:27,379 --> 00:05:29,176 Just promise, if the results are too strong, 137 00:05:29,270 --> 00:05:30,306 you'll use protection. 138 00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:31,965 Really? Thanks! 139 00:05:32,137 --> 00:05:34,395 - When did you get rad? - I don't know. 140 00:05:34,453 --> 00:05:38,423 Maybe I adjusted to the divorce and everything's new. 141 00:05:38,516 --> 00:05:39,906 I'll say. I couldn't stand you 142 00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:42,223 for more than an hour at a time before. 143 00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:43,621 No... No offense. 144 00:05:43,679 --> 00:05:46,590 I like it. It's great. You're like a different person. 145 00:05:47,093 --> 00:05:48,178 Yeah. 146 00:05:48,864 --> 00:05:50,465 Different person. 147 00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,254 Oh, not you. 148 00:05:58,403 --> 00:06:00,895 Vamos! Vamos! Aaah! 149 00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:03,048 How do you like that, Morty? 150 00:06:03,106 --> 00:06:04,966 Whoa! Just like "Minecraft"! 151 00:06:05,129 --> 00:06:07,418 Ooh, a tiny nuclear-capable species 152 00:06:07,504 --> 00:06:08,825 just got discovered in the Amazon. 153 00:06:08,885 --> 00:06:10,592 Let's go make first contact before someone else 154 00:06:10,650 --> 00:06:12,130 - gets all their shit. - What about this? 155 00:06:12,187 --> 00:06:13,739 South Park did it 4 years ago, Morty. 156 00:06:13,797 --> 00:06:14,817 They're fast. 157 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,345 Or we're slow. 158 00:06:19,871 --> 00:06:21,144 Don't do it, guys. 159 00:06:21,202 --> 00:06:23,629 The casualties would be in the "Brazilians" 160 00:06:23,832 --> 00:06:25,214 because you're Brazilian. 161 00:06:25,371 --> 00:06:26,731 It's a threat and a pun. 162 00:06:26,817 --> 00:06:27,906 Nobody gets me. 163 00:06:27,964 --> 00:06:29,723 Americanos! Pressa! 164 00:06:48,386 --> 00:06:50,303 Oh. Hello, Rick. You're here, too. 165 00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:52,211 I guess this is a global crisis. 166 00:06:52,269 --> 00:06:53,361 Oh, God. 167 00:06:53,419 --> 00:06:55,668 Mr. President, Morty and I have the situation covered. 168 00:06:55,726 --> 00:06:56,918 I'm sure you did. 169 00:06:57,046 --> 00:06:58,610 - Dismissed. - Dismissed? 170 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,059 Yeah, dismissed. 171 00:07:00,117 --> 00:07:02,470 Not needed here. You can leave and nobody will care. 172 00:07:02,528 --> 00:07:03,462 Have you never heard that before? 173 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:05,079 Do you even know how to take out this kind of threat? 174 00:07:05,137 --> 00:07:06,254 We're not taking it out. 175 00:07:06,312 --> 00:07:08,895 We're going to shrink down and approach them diplomatically. 176 00:07:12,658 --> 00:07:15,001 - You shrink with pills? - Are you still here? 177 00:07:15,059 --> 00:07:17,041 Shouldn't you be going down to your next version of Earth 178 00:07:17,098 --> 00:07:19,157 with your selfie-craving star... sidekick? 179 00:07:19,215 --> 00:07:20,923 - Whoa! - We're allowed to be here. 180 00:07:20,981 --> 00:07:22,462 You aren't president of the Amazon. 181 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,145 Yeah, I learned about your job in school. 182 00:07:24,207 --> 00:07:25,404 You're a civil servant. 183 00:07:25,444 --> 00:07:26,879 We're technically your boss. 184 00:07:26,937 --> 00:07:28,090 Oh, please, Morty. 185 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,700 You pay as many taxes as you have pubes. 186 00:07:29,757 --> 00:07:32,462 Oh, I got pubes, Commander-in-Queef. 187 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,571 - You want to count them? - Commander-in-Queef. 188 00:07:34,629 --> 00:07:36,489 That's it! Do it! 189 00:07:36,785 --> 00:07:39,032 Recognize the rare element Sanchez-eum? 190 00:07:39,090 --> 00:07:41,583 We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time. 191 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:43,912 You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it 192 00:07:43,969 --> 00:07:45,699 while you sat on your ass at peace summits. 193 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:46,746 Peace summits are important! 194 00:07:46,804 --> 00:07:47,824 Oh, yeah! They work great! 195 00:07:47,882 --> 00:07:49,509 We're really drowning in peace! 196 00:07:49,567 --> 00:07:51,227 - You suck! - You suck! 197 00:07:51,285 --> 00:07:52,934 Task Force Alpha, prepare to shrink. 198 00:07:52,992 --> 00:07:55,934 Is there a Task Force Alpha health plan, by the way? 199 00:07:55,992 --> 00:07:58,321 Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression, 200 00:07:58,379 --> 00:07:59,904 you could get a more curable cancer 201 00:07:59,944 --> 00:08:01,801 just walking through the mushroom clouds. 202 00:08:02,033 --> 00:08:03,809 God damn it! I'll do it. 203 00:08:04,457 --> 00:08:05,538 Whoa. 204 00:08:05,596 --> 00:08:06,989 Task Force Alpha is disbanded. 205 00:08:07,114 --> 00:08:09,044 And you two aren't American anymore! 206 00:08:09,102 --> 00:08:10,801 I can say that. You're expatriated! 207 00:08:10,954 --> 00:08:12,864 If you step foot on homeland soil again, 208 00:08:12,984 --> 00:08:14,543 I'll treat it as an invasion. 209 00:08:14,813 --> 00:08:15,869 Is this supposed to be painful? 210 00:08:15,926 --> 00:08:17,024 Painful to watch. 211 00:08:17,054 --> 00:08:18,621 Oh, such lame shrinking. 212 00:08:18,679 --> 00:08:20,692 Oh, his clothes stay the same size? 213 00:08:20,835 --> 00:08:23,505 Oh! '70s shrinking, party of one. 214 00:08:23,563 --> 00:08:25,340 Eat my shrinking ass! 215 00:08:26,763 --> 00:08:29,293 There he goes. All right. Let's get out of here, Morty. 216 00:08:30,864 --> 00:08:31,871 What the hell? 217 00:08:31,929 --> 00:08:34,184 I made Sanchez-eum up, dumbasses. 218 00:08:34,242 --> 00:08:36,153 Don't believe everything you read on Wikipedia. 219 00:08:36,211 --> 00:08:37,220 Stand down. 220 00:08:37,278 --> 00:08:38,856 He's not afraid of pirates. 221 00:08:39,050 --> 00:08:42,811 Oh! Run, Morty! That part was true! 222 00:08:57,494 --> 00:08:59,837 - I-I can't talk now, sweetie. - Oh, when can you? 223 00:08:59,895 --> 00:09:01,235 Good point. What's up? 224 00:09:01,293 --> 00:09:03,845 Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted, 225 00:09:03,903 --> 00:09:06,595 I could, like, leave Earth and wander the infinite cosmos 226 00:09:06,653 --> 00:09:09,064 to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left 227 00:09:09,121 --> 00:09:11,374 because you could replace me with a clone? 228 00:09:11,432 --> 00:09:12,786 - Mm-hmm. - Am I the clone? 229 00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:14,173 - Sorry. What? - Am I the clone? 230 00:09:14,231 --> 00:09:15,685 Did the real me choose to leave, and I only 231 00:09:15,742 --> 00:09:17,661 think I chose to stay because that's what I need to think 232 00:09:17,718 --> 00:09:19,374 because I'm the replacement Beth? 233 00:09:20,054 --> 00:09:21,489 - No. - Okay. 234 00:09:21,794 --> 00:09:25,801 And one more thing. If I were a clone, would you tell me? 235 00:09:26,723 --> 00:09:28,806 Beth, you know, when... when smart people get happy, 236 00:09:28,864 --> 00:09:30,879 they stop recognizing themselves. 237 00:09:31,043 --> 00:09:34,340 And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter. 238 00:09:34,418 --> 00:09:36,981 Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry. 239 00:09:37,092 --> 00:09:38,153 Thank you, Dad. 240 00:09:38,215 --> 00:09:39,290 - All good? - Totally. 241 00:09:39,348 --> 00:09:40,785 I'm fine now. 242 00:09:41,059 --> 00:09:43,931 And just to be sure, you're not pretending to be convinced you're real 243 00:09:43,989 --> 00:09:45,853 because you're actually convinced you're a clone 244 00:09:45,910 --> 00:09:47,588 and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware 245 00:09:47,645 --> 00:09:49,489 would mean I'd have to terminate you? 246 00:09:50,338 --> 00:09:52,398 - No. - Okay. Glad I could help. 247 00:09:52,456 --> 00:09:53,586 See you soon. 248 00:09:55,460 --> 00:09:57,324 Aaaaaah! 249 00:10:05,677 --> 00:10:07,433 Where do I go? 250 00:10:08,177 --> 00:10:10,556 What does th... What... What... What... What does this mean? 251 00:10:10,614 --> 00:10:11,668 This means nothing. 252 00:10:11,754 --> 00:10:13,423 Pull forward and park. 253 00:10:13,481 --> 00:10:15,231 Then say that, God damn it! 254 00:10:15,473 --> 00:10:16,556 Sorry. 255 00:10:16,731 --> 00:10:18,074 Bad day. 256 00:10:20,144 --> 00:10:22,751 I am Presidentress of the Mega Gargantuans. 257 00:10:22,809 --> 00:10:25,168 We named ourselves before learning we were small. 258 00:10:25,226 --> 00:10:27,926 Madam Presidentress, I'm President of America, 259 00:10:27,984 --> 00:10:29,094 which is basically the world, 260 00:10:29,124 --> 00:10:30,465 but you didn't hear that from me. 261 00:10:30,528 --> 00:10:32,176 - I've come to... - I know who you are. 262 00:10:32,293 --> 00:10:34,064 We've already agreed to a ceasefire 263 00:10:34,122 --> 00:10:35,798 with your ambassadors, Rick and Morty. 264 00:10:35,856 --> 00:10:37,736 Rick and Morty were here? Of course they were here. 265 00:10:37,793 --> 00:10:39,528 They can shrink instantly and teleport. 266 00:10:39,676 --> 00:10:41,604 They told me to give you this. 267 00:10:41,754 --> 00:10:44,004 They said it will stretch as your cancer pill wears off 268 00:10:44,062 --> 00:10:46,840 and your body awkwardly enlarges at the rate of a '50s movie. 269 00:10:46,904 --> 00:10:48,028 Are there pants? 270 00:10:48,104 --> 00:10:50,104 They said you'd prefer just a shirt. 271 00:10:50,162 --> 00:10:53,215 Apparently, you have a need to swing your dick around? 272 00:10:54,996 --> 00:10:56,153 Rick and Morty escaped. 273 00:10:56,214 --> 00:10:57,989 No shit. Take me to the Pentagon. 274 00:10:58,047 --> 00:10:59,457 We're at war with Rick and Morty. 275 00:10:59,515 --> 00:11:01,122 You'll want to make a stop at the White House? 276 00:11:01,179 --> 00:11:03,559 I have pants at the Pentagon, Rhonda. It's in my contract. 277 00:11:03,624 --> 00:11:05,554 I mean you need to call a press conference. 278 00:11:05,612 --> 00:11:08,231 Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire. 279 00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:10,024 What? They signed something called 280 00:11:10,090 --> 00:11:12,364 "The Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord. 281 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,837 Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat 282 00:11:14,895 --> 00:11:16,946 took them to a "Star Wars" cantina, 283 00:11:17,004 --> 00:11:18,809 where they smoked perspective-enhancing 284 00:11:18,867 --> 00:11:21,016 alien pheromones through a laser hookah. 285 00:11:21,074 --> 00:11:22,426 I still say it has to be Putin. 286 00:11:22,486 --> 00:11:24,134 It was Rick and Morty, you ... ing dunce! 287 00:11:24,192 --> 00:11:25,377 But you're getting the credit, sir. 288 00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:27,368 Your approval rating just hit 100% 289 00:11:27,426 --> 00:11:28,720 Why would Rick and Morty want that? 290 00:11:28,777 --> 00:11:30,278 Because they're assholes! 291 00:11:31,050 --> 00:11:34,394 I'm flattered, but it takes a whole team to achieve what we did today. 292 00:11:34,550 --> 00:11:35,667 Thank you. 293 00:11:36,050 --> 00:11:37,695 Well? They haven't been back home, sir. 294 00:11:37,753 --> 00:11:40,182 We've got every possible location under surveillance. 295 00:11:40,495 --> 00:11:42,211 God damn it! They're right here! 296 00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,336 They're here, God damn it! Code Red! We need backup! 297 00:11:44,394 --> 00:11:45,492 Everybody relax. 298 00:11:45,550 --> 00:11:46,837 Just waiting for you in the only room 299 00:11:46,894 --> 00:11:48,316 you can't blow up or spy on. 300 00:11:48,394 --> 00:11:50,203 So, we're not changing timelines for you, 301 00:11:50,261 --> 00:11:51,688 but now you have everything you want, 302 00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:52,969 so you can forget we exist, 303 00:11:53,027 --> 00:11:54,000 and we'll return the favor. 304 00:11:54,058 --> 00:11:55,432 You couldn't say that in a text? 305 00:11:55,472 --> 00:11:58,003 Well, since we won't be seeing each other again, my... 306 00:11:58,097 --> 00:12:00,566 Guys, we get it. It's a Code Red. Enough. 307 00:12:00,691 --> 00:12:02,191 My grandson has worked hard for you, 308 00:12:02,249 --> 00:12:03,872 and I feel like he's earned a selfie. 309 00:12:03,933 --> 00:12:05,949 Honestly, I could take it or leave it at this point. 310 00:12:06,006 --> 00:12:06,859 You're taking it. 311 00:12:06,917 --> 00:12:08,844 No. What kind of fratty-ass status move is that? 312 00:12:08,902 --> 00:12:09,953 Get out of my office! 313 00:12:10,011 --> 00:12:11,492 Seriously? You're that stubborn? 314 00:12:11,550 --> 00:12:13,313 He's the stubborn one. I'm protecting my country. 315 00:12:13,370 --> 00:12:14,480 Uh, from selfies? 316 00:12:14,581 --> 00:12:16,140 From subordination to hostile powers. 317 00:12:16,206 --> 00:12:18,039 Uh, does China know about that deal-breaker? 318 00:12:18,097 --> 00:12:19,683 China doesn't piss on the White House. 319 00:12:19,769 --> 00:12:21,625 Well, why would they? I'm sure it was expensive. 320 00:12:21,682 --> 00:12:23,000 - Get out. - Not without a selfie. 321 00:12:23,057 --> 00:12:25,281 - Arrest them. - Son, you have a right to refuse his order, 322 00:12:25,338 --> 00:12:27,039 and I guarantee you're going to die if you touch me, 323 00:12:27,096 --> 00:12:29,094 and there's no afterlife. Everything just goes black. 324 00:12:29,151 --> 00:12:30,206 Don't do it. 325 00:12:30,307 --> 00:12:31,302 - Whoa, Rick! - Okay. 326 00:12:31,332 --> 00:12:32,232 What was that? 327 00:12:32,290 --> 00:12:33,372 - Death. - What kind? 328 00:12:33,402 --> 00:12:34,570 - Instant. - There was no sound. 329 00:12:34,627 --> 00:12:36,296 - He just died. - Yeah, terrifying. 330 00:12:36,354 --> 00:12:37,774 It's a terrifying thing to watch happen. 331 00:12:37,831 --> 00:12:38,812 It's called a deterrent. 332 00:12:38,870 --> 00:12:40,194 You couldn't just knock him out? 333 00:12:40,252 --> 00:12:42,116 How is knocking out a deterrent? 334 00:12:42,181 --> 00:12:43,609 Everyone wants to be knocked out. 335 00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:44,741 Nobody wants to be dead. 336 00:12:44,799 --> 00:12:46,195 You committed murder in the Oval Office. 337 00:12:46,252 --> 00:12:47,710 - Now you can't leave. - That's fine. 338 00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:48,977 I said I'm not leaving without a selfie. 339 00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:50,265 Uh, I don't need a selfie. 340 00:12:50,323 --> 00:12:51,602 And I'm saying you aren't getting one 341 00:12:51,659 --> 00:12:52,609 and you aren't leaving. 342 00:12:52,667 --> 00:12:55,109 - So we agree? - Yes. No. We disagree 343 00:12:55,167 --> 00:12:57,039 because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving. 344 00:12:57,096 --> 00:12:58,116 Am I getting a selfie? 345 00:12:58,174 --> 00:12:59,485 - Never. - Then I'm never leaving. 346 00:12:59,542 --> 00:13:00,562 - Exactly. - See? 347 00:13:00,620 --> 00:13:01,632 Does anyone have a shot? 348 00:13:01,690 --> 00:13:03,713 Yes, nine people. I can show you. 349 00:13:03,954 --> 00:13:05,609 But I wouldn't recommend... 350 00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:06,667 Open fire! 351 00:13:06,979 --> 00:13:08,175 God, you are dumb! 352 00:13:08,233 --> 00:13:09,274 Get the President out of here! 353 00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:10,937 - Bad idea. - Wait. Why? 354 00:13:10,995 --> 00:13:12,211 Because if there isn't someone in here 355 00:13:12,268 --> 00:13:13,563 that they're not supposed to kill, 356 00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:15,344 they're going to wreck the place trying to kill me. 357 00:13:15,401 --> 00:13:17,440 As long as you live, no matter where you are, 358 00:13:17,518 --> 00:13:19,155 if it isn't in a selfie with him, 359 00:13:19,213 --> 00:13:20,652 I'll be here. 360 00:13:21,057 --> 00:13:22,444 - Jesus! - He's not a ... ing God! 361 00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:23,710 You don't know what I am! 362 00:13:23,768 --> 00:13:24,867 And you don't know what I can do! 363 00:13:24,924 --> 00:13:27,205 - Jesus! It's... It's cool, Rick! - I'm Doctor Who in this mother ... ! 364 00:13:27,351 --> 00:13:29,518 I could be a clone. I could be a hologram. 365 00:13:29,620 --> 00:13:31,327 We could be clones controlled by robots 366 00:13:31,385 --> 00:13:32,679 controlled with special headsets 367 00:13:32,737 --> 00:13:33,992 that the real Rick and Morty are wearing 368 00:13:34,049 --> 00:13:35,145 while they're ... ing your mother! 369 00:13:35,203 --> 00:13:36,207 I'm going to kill you! 370 00:13:36,265 --> 00:13:37,898 Then come to 312 Olive Street! 371 00:13:37,956 --> 00:13:39,149 - Is that her address? - You don't know 372 00:13:39,206 --> 00:13:40,554 because you're a bad son! 373 00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:41,707 Ow! Take him down! 374 00:13:41,765 --> 00:13:43,089 Semper fi! 375 00:13:43,119 --> 00:13:44,219 Aaaaah! 376 00:13:44,259 --> 00:13:46,019 Number three, The Twister. 377 00:13:46,078 --> 00:13:47,629 Ow! Damn it. Number four... 378 00:13:47,659 --> 00:13:49,375 The Hanky Panky. 379 00:13:50,699 --> 00:13:52,000 Beth? 380 00:13:52,089 --> 00:13:54,200 My dad might have cloned me, and I might be the clone. 381 00:13:54,257 --> 00:13:56,068 And he says I'm not, but that's what he'd say to a clone. 382 00:13:56,125 --> 00:13:57,141 Typical. 383 00:13:57,199 --> 00:13:58,811 Number six, The Texas Ripple. 384 00:13:58,869 --> 00:13:59,899 You look like you to me. 385 00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,239 What are you, an idiot? 386 00:14:01,551 --> 00:14:02,978 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 387 00:14:03,036 --> 00:14:04,223 That was so rude. 388 00:14:04,281 --> 00:14:06,463 I came to you for help, and now I'm insulting your intelligence. 389 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:07,857 And look where intelligence gets you. 390 00:14:07,914 --> 00:14:10,165 Well, don't knock intelligence, because right now 391 00:14:10,302 --> 00:14:12,879 I'd love to understand how I can help you. 392 00:14:12,949 --> 00:14:14,509 I can't be in charge of that, Jerry. 393 00:14:14,567 --> 00:14:17,052 My mind, my ideas are all part of the variable. 394 00:14:17,110 --> 00:14:18,907 The only constant is you. 395 00:14:19,029 --> 00:14:21,403 You know me inside and out. 396 00:14:21,889 --> 00:14:23,489 Do what you have to do. 397 00:14:25,151 --> 00:14:26,614 Okay. Sit down. 398 00:14:26,736 --> 00:14:28,136 Now cross your legs. 399 00:14:28,281 --> 00:14:29,711 That leg on top. Good. 400 00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:31,567 Oh, what is this? 401 00:14:33,169 --> 00:14:34,962 Senior year, I took you on a date 402 00:14:35,020 --> 00:14:36,339 to the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra 403 00:14:36,379 --> 00:14:39,139 performing the music of Alan Silvestri in the Park. 404 00:14:39,622 --> 00:14:41,814 At this point in the song from "Volcano," 405 00:14:41,887 --> 00:14:43,864 when Tommy Lee Jones and the utility workers 406 00:14:43,922 --> 00:14:46,165 are using cars to guide the lava into a cul-de-sac, 407 00:14:46,271 --> 00:14:48,001 I realized my palms were so sweaty, 408 00:14:48,071 --> 00:14:49,495 I would never get to hold your hand. 409 00:14:49,559 --> 00:14:50,989 But I was desperate to touch you, 410 00:14:51,047 --> 00:14:53,046 so I wiped my palm on the grass next to me. 411 00:14:53,104 --> 00:14:55,078 But a Snickers wrapper kind of got stuck on it, 412 00:14:55,136 --> 00:14:56,859 so I started kind of jiggling it, 413 00:14:56,899 --> 00:14:58,597 whipping it without moving too much. 414 00:14:58,672 --> 00:15:00,123 But you started looking over, and I thought, 415 00:15:00,180 --> 00:15:02,212 "Well, this is it. She's going to see that I'm a loser, 416 00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:03,485 and I'll never get to touch her. 417 00:15:03,542 --> 00:15:05,003 But I still have time to touch her." 418 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,499 But my hand had Snickers on it, 419 00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:07,964 and the brass section was swelling 420 00:15:08,022 --> 00:15:09,617 because it was the scene with the guy melting in the lava. 421 00:15:09,674 --> 00:15:11,674 And I just thought, "... it. Lips don't sweat." 422 00:15:14,670 --> 00:15:16,370 Wow. Yeah. 423 00:15:16,479 --> 00:15:18,557 I'll never forget that feeling. 424 00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:20,401 You're the real thing. 425 00:15:20,849 --> 00:15:22,073 Then that settles it, 426 00:15:22,137 --> 00:15:24,747 because my memory is of hating that night. 427 00:15:24,989 --> 00:15:28,190 But now, reliving it, all I can feel is how lucky I am 428 00:15:28,268 --> 00:15:33,099 to be loved by such a simple, honest, simple man. 429 00:15:33,175 --> 00:15:34,300 Simple twice. 430 00:15:34,358 --> 00:15:36,564 This isn't the woman you married, Jerry, 431 00:15:37,139 --> 00:15:38,705 because this woman loves you. 432 00:15:38,822 --> 00:15:42,691 Uh... well, vive la différence. 433 00:15:42,769 --> 00:15:44,206 Okay. That was lame. 434 00:15:44,339 --> 00:15:46,699 Listen, I... Words. 435 00:15:47,411 --> 00:15:48,995 Don Cheadle. 436 00:15:53,989 --> 00:15:56,347 You have the right to get the ... out of my office! 437 00:15:56,425 --> 00:15:57,870 You have the right to kiss my dick! 438 00:15:57,959 --> 00:15:59,581 Give me the thing. 439 00:16:00,277 --> 00:16:01,503 Ugh! 440 00:16:01,714 --> 00:16:03,410 Oh! 441 00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:09,855 Ugh! 442 00:16:38,399 --> 00:16:40,292 Oh! 443 00:16:44,149 --> 00:16:46,149 Ugh! Ugh! 444 00:17:06,129 --> 00:17:07,929 Ohh! 445 00:17:07,959 --> 00:17:09,989 Submit! Submit for the selfie! 446 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,199 I yield! I yield! Take the selfie! 447 00:17:12,229 --> 00:17:14,587 Okay. Morty, get in there and say, "Cheese." 448 00:17:15,199 --> 00:17:16,533 Morty? 449 00:17:16,743 --> 00:17:18,322 Morty, come on! 450 00:17:18,595 --> 00:17:20,392 God damn it! 451 00:17:21,947 --> 00:17:25,126 Rick, don't get mad, but I-I stole your portal gun. 452 00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,479 What the ... , Morty? 453 00:17:26,509 --> 00:17:29,142 I told you I didn't want the damn selfie 800 times! 454 00:17:29,311 --> 00:17:30,983 Look, whatever the hell is going on between you 455 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,862 and the president, it's got nothing to do with me. 456 00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,595 So where did you go? I can't tell you. 457 00:17:34,704 --> 00:17:36,931 Rick, did you tell my mom she might be a clone? 458 00:17:37,001 --> 00:17:38,678 No! I told her she wasn't! 459 00:17:38,736 --> 00:17:40,259 Well, isn't that what you'd tell a clone? 460 00:17:40,289 --> 00:17:41,459 Oh, for Christ's sake. 461 00:17:41,489 --> 00:17:43,533 Rick, my mom and dad are getting back together. 462 00:17:43,665 --> 00:17:45,033 What? No! She's not a clone! 463 00:17:45,091 --> 00:17:47,123 Well, she says it doesn't matter if she is or isn't 464 00:17:47,181 --> 00:17:48,560 because now she loves my dad, 465 00:17:48,618 --> 00:17:50,212 and she wanted me and Summer to come home, 466 00:17:50,269 --> 00:17:52,199 and we're hiding from you so you don't kill her 467 00:17:52,353 --> 00:17:53,892 if she's a clone in a place 468 00:17:53,950 --> 00:17:55,380 I picked that you will never find. 469 00:17:55,601 --> 00:17:58,071 So don't look for us. 470 00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:00,407 Come on, bitch! 471 00:18:00,465 --> 00:18:01,521 Oh, you come on, bitch. 472 00:18:01,579 --> 00:18:03,209 I'm out. I'm done. 473 00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,491 I've got to... I've got to go. 474 00:18:05,565 --> 00:18:07,822 So I win. Then I'm in charge, and you can't leave. 475 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:09,461 You're a terrorist. You're an enemy of the state, 476 00:18:09,518 --> 00:18:11,202 and you kicked me in the balls 10 minutes ago! 477 00:18:11,259 --> 00:18:12,989 The office of the President can't coexist 478 00:18:13,029 --> 00:18:14,919 with a living God that won't submit to it... 479 00:18:15,029 --> 00:18:16,489 I mean, besides Poseidon. 480 00:18:16,552 --> 00:18:18,099 But he's locked up in Area 51 already, 481 00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:19,368 so that doesn't really count. 482 00:18:19,427 --> 00:18:20,987 Mr. President, I'll make you a deal. 483 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:23,020 If you let me use your ghetto-ass off-brand 484 00:18:23,106 --> 00:18:24,911 deficit-tripling teleporter, 485 00:18:25,001 --> 00:18:27,412 I can go take care of something, and you'll never see me again. 486 00:18:27,469 --> 00:18:30,439 Yes. Deal. Invisi-troopers, stand down. 487 00:18:30,645 --> 00:18:32,369 - Yeah, yeah. - I don't want to hear it. 488 00:18:32,427 --> 00:18:34,130 You know I could see them this whole time, right? 489 00:18:34,187 --> 00:18:35,587 Don't push it, Sanchez. 490 00:18:46,123 --> 00:18:47,423 He found us! 491 00:18:47,481 --> 00:18:48,646 I told you we shouldn't have gone 492 00:18:48,703 --> 00:18:50,122 to the same cabin as last time! 493 00:18:50,180 --> 00:18:53,091 Oh, we're not going anywhere. This ends now. 494 00:18:53,575 --> 00:18:55,372 Dad, if you're my dad. 495 00:18:55,430 --> 00:18:56,622 Of course, you're not my dad. 496 00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,481 You're here with a gun because I am a clone. 497 00:18:58,674 --> 00:19:00,391 I guess I have all your daughter's memories. 498 00:19:00,448 --> 00:19:04,002 So I guess I was her, which makes me related to her. 499 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:05,544 But I don't relate to her. 500 00:19:05,639 --> 00:19:09,216 She left her family and me, which means I relate to them. 501 00:19:09,286 --> 00:19:10,549 So if you kill me, fine. 502 00:19:10,614 --> 00:19:11,661 You're not killing her. 503 00:19:11,719 --> 00:19:13,389 But you're killing a real family. 504 00:19:13,447 --> 00:19:15,917 And instead of doing that, will you just go away? 505 00:19:15,975 --> 00:19:17,630 Aren't there, like, infinite time lines? 506 00:19:17,691 --> 00:19:20,071 Can't you just move to one where I don't know I'm a clone 507 00:19:20,129 --> 00:19:22,470 and where a different but identical version 508 00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:24,899 of your authentic sociopathic crazy bitch 509 00:19:24,929 --> 00:19:27,059 of a daughter can keep making you proud 510 00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:28,888 by being somewhere else? 511 00:19:29,763 --> 00:19:32,039 Beth, you crazy bitch. You're my daughter. 512 00:19:32,114 --> 00:19:33,739 I brought this here to kill Jerry. 513 00:19:33,797 --> 00:19:35,880 Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! 514 00:19:36,005 --> 00:19:38,645 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You win, Jerry. You win! 515 00:19:38,810 --> 00:19:42,247 No amount of genius can stop your dumb mediocre vacuous roots 516 00:19:42,305 --> 00:19:44,341 from digging into everything and everyone around you 517 00:19:44,398 --> 00:19:47,094 and draining them of any ability to fend you off. 518 00:19:47,164 --> 00:19:50,031 Well, it couldn't have been easy for you to say that. 519 00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:51,089 I appreciate it. 520 00:19:51,189 --> 00:19:52,341 Morty, where's my portal gun? 521 00:19:52,398 --> 00:19:53,434 Let's get out of here. 522 00:19:53,492 --> 00:19:54,567 I'm staying here, Rick. 523 00:19:54,625 --> 00:19:56,559 Are you... Ugh! 524 00:19:56,599 --> 00:19:57,689 Nobody gets it. 525 00:19:57,729 --> 00:19:59,180 Nothing you think matters matters. 526 00:19:59,258 --> 00:20:00,312 This isn't special. 527 00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:01,935 This... This is happening infinite times 528 00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:03,247 across infinite realities. 529 00:20:03,305 --> 00:20:04,758 Including this? 530 00:20:05,265 --> 00:20:06,773 Yes! 531 00:20:07,219 --> 00:20:10,009 Which is not to say that, subjectively, it wasn't funny. 532 00:20:10,039 --> 00:20:11,239 Are you going to stay? 533 00:20:11,309 --> 00:20:12,672 There's infinite time lines, Morty. 534 00:20:12,730 --> 00:20:14,974 Why would I stay in the one where I trashed the White House, 535 00:20:15,031 --> 00:20:16,561 became an enemy of America 536 00:20:16,663 --> 00:20:19,726 and the lowest-status character in my idiot family? 537 00:20:21,433 --> 00:20:23,233 Because of the fart? 538 00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:25,059 There's still some rubble over there. 539 00:20:25,117 --> 00:20:26,711 I don't think you've ever understood 540 00:20:26,778 --> 00:20:29,383 what "Secretary of the Interior" means! 541 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,969 Hi, Mr. President. I'm Rick Sanchez, 542 00:20:32,027 --> 00:20:33,500 but not the one that did this. 543 00:20:33,656 --> 00:20:36,578 We Ricks travel the infinite and switch places with each other 544 00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:37,953 like hermit crabs, I think. 545 00:20:38,011 --> 00:20:39,390 I'm fly-fishing Rick. 546 00:20:39,476 --> 00:20:41,912 You can distinguish me from the Rick that you had a falling-out with 547 00:20:41,969 --> 00:20:44,809 by my fly-fishing enthusiasm and accompanying hat. 548 00:20:44,839 --> 00:20:46,309 I hope I can be of service 549 00:20:46,349 --> 00:20:48,273 if, uh, you ever find the planet to be in danger. 550 00:20:48,344 --> 00:20:50,390 Friends? 551 00:20:51,361 --> 00:20:52,969 Sounds good to me. 552 00:20:53,157 --> 00:20:54,617 Kids, dinner! 553 00:20:54,689 --> 00:20:55,949 I got Panda Express! 554 00:20:55,989 --> 00:20:57,249 Did you get sugar chicken? 555 00:20:57,289 --> 00:20:58,802 That's kind of the only thing they have. 556 00:20:58,859 --> 00:21:00,781 I love Panda E! Thanks, Mom! 557 00:21:00,859 --> 00:21:03,090 I'm hoping to get a piece of your sugar chicken later. 558 00:21:04,015 --> 00:21:05,182 Stop it. 559 00:21:05,259 --> 00:21:07,234 Here's your stupid hat, dipshit. 560 00:21:07,292 --> 00:21:09,322 Dad, you can't talk to Jerry that way anymore. 561 00:21:09,433 --> 00:21:11,258 We're a real family now. 562 00:21:11,316 --> 00:21:13,381 In many ways, things will be like season 1 563 00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:14,699 but more streamlined. 564 00:21:14,739 --> 00:21:16,844 Now Jerry and I are happily married parents, 565 00:21:16,902 --> 00:21:18,645 and the idea that I was motivated 566 00:21:18,703 --> 00:21:20,476 by a fear of you leaving can be eschewed. 567 00:21:20,586 --> 00:21:22,695 Eschewed? You've never used that word. 568 00:21:22,805 --> 00:21:24,219 Maybe you are a clone. 569 00:21:24,843 --> 00:21:26,984 It's not like Rick would tell us. 570 00:21:27,784 --> 00:21:31,300 Sync corrections by srjanapala 571 00:22:03,281 --> 00:22:05,754 Ooh-wee! What a season! 572 00:22:05,812 --> 00:22:08,336 Sorry I never showed up, but I got married. 573 00:22:08,394 --> 00:22:09,496 I had a baby. 574 00:22:09,554 --> 00:22:12,531 I went back to school and got my G-E-E-E-D. 575 00:22:12,729 --> 00:22:14,937 What did you do while you were waiting? 576 00:22:15,025 --> 00:22:18,765 Hopefully you didn't just ... around and waste your life. 577 00:22:18,869 --> 00:22:20,328 Ooh-wee! 578 00:22:20,429 --> 00:22:25,569 See you for Season 4 in, like, a really long time! 579 00:22:25,639 --> 00:22:29,279 I might even have a big white Santa Claus beard 580 00:22:29,414 --> 00:22:31,449 and... and... and a... 581 00:22:31,609 --> 00:22:33,836 and a couple of grandkids 582 00:22:33,931 --> 00:22:36,601 and all that kind of stuff. 583 00:22:36,742 --> 00:22:38,695 See you... See you then!