1 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,570 Are we... are we gonna put it back when we're done with it? 2 00:00:15,590 --> 00:00:18,070 Why? The only thing of value on it is the secret treasure map. 3 00:00:18,090 --> 00:00:20,009 The rest is just instructions for running a country, 4 00:00:20,010 --> 00:00:21,249 and I'm pretty sure they're online. 5 00:00:21,250 --> 00:00:22,630 It just feels a little wrong... 6 00:00:22,650 --> 00:00:24,389 Morty, are you gonna be a America nerd 7 00:00:24,390 --> 00:00:27,470 or are you gonna be cool and steal the Constitution with Grandpa? 8 00:00:30,070 --> 00:00:32,010 Here, hold this while I crack the hermetic seal. 9 00:00:32,030 --> 00:00:33,650 W-Why not just use this again? 10 00:00:40,970 --> 00:00:42,730 Morty! You just destroyed the map 11 00:00:42,750 --> 00:00:45,219 and activated the giant assassin hidden in the Statue of Liberty! 12 00:00:45,220 --> 00:00:46,560 I'm sorry... w-wait, what? 13 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,730 It was a Trojan horse, Morty. Never trust the French. 14 00:00:48,750 --> 00:00:49,760 All right, fun's fun, 15 00:00:49,780 --> 00:00:51,729 but now the federal government's gonna be pissed again. 16 00:00:51,730 --> 00:00:53,830 Way to go. And on America's birthday 17 00:00:53,850 --> 00:00:55,520 or whatever the Thanksgiving is. 18 00:01:24,030 --> 00:01:28,250 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - www.addic7ed.com ... 19 00:01:29,230 --> 00:01:31,179 Rick and Morty! You are under arrest 20 00:01:31,180 --> 00:01:33,210 and surrounded by an anti-portal shimmer! 21 00:01:33,220 --> 00:01:34,630 Come out with your hands up! 22 00:01:34,650 --> 00:01:36,690 Well, Happy Thanksgiving to me. 23 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:39,350 Can't wait to see what a "shimmer" does to my prostate. 24 00:01:39,370 --> 00:01:41,436 Dad, can you please just end whatever this is... 25 00:01:41,450 --> 00:01:43,300 I understand you're upset, Mr. President. 26 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:44,569 It's honestly all Morty's fault. 27 00:01:44,570 --> 00:01:46,790 But in the meantime, you really want to keep your army 28 00:01:46,810 --> 00:01:48,943 of pointlessly camouflaged Eagle Scouts off my lawn. 29 00:01:48,950 --> 00:01:50,950 Don't tell me what I want, you anti-American 30 00:01:50,970 --> 00:01:52,159 piece of, you terrorist! 31 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:53,620 You know, you use that word so much 32 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,090 it's lost all meaning, Mr. P. 33 00:01:55,110 --> 00:01:56,990 It's like, at this point, what's a terrorist? 34 00:01:57,020 --> 00:01:58,495 It's a guy you don't like. Big deal. 35 00:01:58,500 --> 00:01:59,510 Hoo-rah! 36 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,390 Told you to stand down. 37 00:02:05,410 --> 00:02:07,730 You just lost two soldiers over here. Good men. 38 00:02:07,750 --> 00:02:09,649 Might be time to look at the terrorist in the mirror. 39 00:02:09,650 --> 00:02:10,670 You want a war? 40 00:02:10,690 --> 00:02:13,230 I'll put your outer-space ass in a goddamn Phantom Zone 41 00:02:13,250 --> 00:02:14,849 with a bar of kryptonite soap around your neck. 42 00:02:14,850 --> 00:02:16,770 You're done, Sanchez! You hear me? 43 00:02:16,790 --> 00:02:18,270 Oof. He's really pissed this time. 44 00:02:18,290 --> 00:02:19,909 Why don't you guys just and get it over with. 45 00:02:19,910 --> 00:02:21,350 Okay, well, thank you, Summer, 46 00:02:21,370 --> 00:02:22,759 but I think I've got a better option. 47 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,070 - Dad, no. - Ehh... hands are tied, sweetie. 48 00:02:25,090 --> 00:02:27,269 I have to turn myself into a turkey and trick the President 49 00:02:27,270 --> 00:02:29,030 into giving me a Presidential turkey pardon. 50 00:02:29,050 --> 00:02:31,130 Again? How many times have you done this? 51 00:02:31,150 --> 00:02:33,089 I don't know, Jerry, how many years have I lived here? 52 00:02:33,090 --> 00:02:34,689 - Careful how you answer that. - Geez, Rick, 53 00:02:34,690 --> 00:02:36,010 y'know, y-you've done this a lot. 54 00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:38,149 Don't you think the President might see it coming this time? 55 00:02:38,150 --> 00:02:40,930 He probably will, Morty. That's all part of the dance. 56 00:02:40,950 --> 00:02:42,370 In the past, I've inserted myself 57 00:02:42,390 --> 00:02:44,460 into the potential turkey pardonee population 58 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,480 by brainwashing the presidential turkey wrangler 59 00:02:46,490 --> 00:02:47,502 prior to the ceremony. 60 00:02:47,510 --> 00:02:49,790 But this time, the turkey wrangler's been euthanized 61 00:02:49,810 --> 00:02:51,210 and the turkeys will be transported 62 00:02:51,230 --> 00:02:52,810 by armored military vehicles. 63 00:02:52,830 --> 00:02:56,160 Vehicles manufactured by ghost corporations that I control. 64 00:02:56,180 --> 00:02:58,620 - Which we have audited. - Allowing me access to... 65 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,109 - Central computers... - To track the... 66 00:03:00,110 --> 00:03:02,370 Real armored transports, which he can never... 67 00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:03,710 Totally track and sneak aboard. 68 00:03:03,730 --> 00:03:05,450 And even if he does, he'll be on a truck 69 00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:07,730 full of turkeys and fully armed marines. 70 00:03:07,740 --> 00:03:09,770 Who won't recognize me because the human eye 71 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,234 is inherently face blind to turkeys. 72 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:14,200 Fortunately, those marines won't have human eyes. 73 00:03:14,220 --> 00:03:17,370 - They'll have turkey eyes. - Jesus ever-loving Christ, 74 00:03:17,390 --> 00:03:19,750 why don't you two just and get it over with? 75 00:03:19,770 --> 00:03:21,670 Careful, Dwayne. You're only Vice President 76 00:03:21,690 --> 00:03:23,390 because I need 10% of the white vote. 77 00:03:23,410 --> 00:03:26,090 There's a giant French assassin attacking New York, 78 00:03:26,110 --> 00:03:28,450 and you're using the war room to measure dicks 79 00:03:28,470 --> 00:03:30,530 with your alcoholic sci-fi boyfriend? 80 00:03:30,550 --> 00:03:32,070 Rick Sanchez is more dangerous 81 00:03:32,090 --> 00:03:34,160 than some steam-powered French bitch, 82 00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:36,290 and New York can handle its own global emergencies. 83 00:03:36,310 --> 00:03:38,595 General? Initiate Operation Deep Gobble. 84 00:03:41,690 --> 00:03:43,600 Coop, not on Thanksgiving. 85 00:03:43,620 --> 00:03:45,050 It's what I trained for, Mary Lou. 86 00:03:45,070 --> 00:03:46,880 - It ain't our fight. - Baby. 87 00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:49,490 That little race car driver you got bakin' in your belly. 88 00:03:49,510 --> 00:03:51,390 What world you want him rearin' up in? 89 00:03:51,410 --> 00:03:53,820 One where some... spiky-haired Doctor Who 90 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,030 in a lab coat can change the color of the sky? 91 00:03:56,050 --> 00:03:58,620 Or a world where he can fill his pickup with hot dogs 92 00:03:58,640 --> 00:03:59,970 and drive it to a jukebox 93 00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:02,220 full of our demographic's current favorite music? 94 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:03,786 Obviously the latter, but... 95 00:04:03,790 --> 00:04:06,370 Well, that world, Mary Lou, the one with those meals, 96 00:04:06,390 --> 00:04:09,450 vehicles, and songs people in this 30-mile area prefer... 97 00:04:09,470 --> 00:04:11,190 that world needs a few good men. 98 00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:12,930 In a secret Pentagon lab. 99 00:04:12,950 --> 00:04:14,213 Turning into turkeys. 100 00:04:14,230 --> 00:04:16,290 You come back without feathers, Coop. 101 00:04:18,150 --> 00:04:19,969 God, I love this country. 102 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:23,598 Hoooo-ah! 103 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,640 These pills contain tracking chips 104 00:04:40,660 --> 00:04:42,890 that identify each of you as individuals. 105 00:04:42,910 --> 00:04:44,470 That will be important later. 106 00:05:01,010 --> 00:05:02,740 All right, boys, search every bird. 107 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,330 If Sanchez is here, I wanna hear you gobblin'. 108 00:05:05,350 --> 00:05:06,910 Let me look at you, scum. 109 00:05:06,930 --> 00:05:08,330 Get outta here, you wobbleneck. 110 00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:10,950 Sarge, this... this ain't like the simulation, man. 111 00:05:10,970 --> 00:05:12,920 - I don't like it. - Keep it together, Martinez. 112 00:05:12,940 --> 00:05:14,460 Eyes are on the ground, sir. 113 00:05:14,470 --> 00:05:16,651 - No sign of Einstein. - Stay frosty, gentlemen. 114 00:05:16,660 --> 00:05:19,696 I want this pardoning pipeline airtight. 115 00:05:19,700 --> 00:05:21,690 Sir! We have hacked the garage door. 116 00:05:21,710 --> 00:05:23,640 We are in. Eyes on the bogey. 117 00:05:23,660 --> 00:05:25,160 Or you've got eyes on a robot. 118 00:05:25,170 --> 00:05:27,810 All due respect, sir, I know flesh when I see it! 119 00:05:27,830 --> 00:05:30,373 Those flesh-covered robots should buy us some time. 120 00:05:30,380 --> 00:05:32,690 The pardonable turkeys should be on that truck. 121 00:05:32,710 --> 00:05:34,930 Ship, go stealth. 122 00:05:34,950 --> 00:05:37,500 Rodriguez, Fincher. Get eyes on that. 123 00:05:37,510 --> 00:05:39,590 Huh. Turkey Marines. 124 00:05:39,610 --> 00:05:42,150 The President came to play. Jam those two radios. 125 00:05:42,170 --> 00:05:43,380 Confirmed. 126 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,870 Ah! Geez! 127 00:05:54,780 --> 00:05:56,470 Fincher, Rodriguez, come in! 128 00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:58,190 Copy, copy, tango, all good. 129 00:05:58,210 --> 00:06:00,770 Just a couple of branches on the roof. 130 00:06:00,790 --> 00:06:02,800 Don't ever turn your radio off again. 131 00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:04,249 - We will not surrender. - We will never surrender. 132 00:06:04,250 --> 00:06:05,920 - We will not surrender. - Oh, yeah? 133 00:06:05,940 --> 00:06:07,535 Bring in the David Blaine box. 134 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,770 Damn, is that a David Blaine box? 135 00:06:11,790 --> 00:06:14,009 I told you we should have just gone to my parents' house. 136 00:06:14,010 --> 00:06:16,150 - No, you didn't. - Well, I didn't say it out loud, 137 00:06:16,170 --> 00:06:17,650 but it should be well known by now 138 00:06:17,670 --> 00:06:19,254 that I'd always rather be there. 139 00:06:19,255 --> 00:06:20,549 - Oh, God, oh, no! - Aw, geez, Rick! 140 00:06:20,550 --> 00:06:22,630 Sir, we've got Rick and Morty inside the box! 141 00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:24,330 - Then that confirms it. - Sir? 142 00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:26,929 No David Blaine box can hold Rick Sanchez. 143 00:06:26,930 --> 00:06:28,200 Scan the turkey truck! 144 00:06:28,220 --> 00:06:29,330 Huh. That's weird. 145 00:06:29,350 --> 00:06:31,640 ID chips for Fincher and Rodriguez are glitching. 146 00:06:31,660 --> 00:06:32,730 Sanchez... 147 00:06:32,750 --> 00:06:34,670 I'll deal with this bastard myself. 148 00:06:34,690 --> 00:06:35,820 Sir, don't be a cowboy. 149 00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:38,850 - You can't get re-elected dead. - System is calibrated, sir. 150 00:06:38,870 --> 00:06:40,789 That pill contains a tracking chip that will identify... 151 00:06:40,790 --> 00:06:42,760 I know, it'll be important later! 152 00:06:42,780 --> 00:06:44,370 Do it. 153 00:06:47,660 --> 00:06:48,790 Moments from now, 154 00:06:48,810 --> 00:06:50,690 the President will be pardoning a turkey... 155 00:06:53,750 --> 00:06:54,830 Home stretch, Morty. 156 00:06:54,850 --> 00:06:57,110 Here comes dip right on schedule. 157 00:06:57,130 --> 00:06:58,510 Nothing can go wrong now. 158 00:06:59,630 --> 00:07:01,139 - Jesus, is that... - Oh, 159 00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:02,339 The President has the upper hand. 160 00:07:02,340 --> 00:07:03,729 G-Grandpa up. Sunglasses on. 161 00:07:03,730 --> 00:07:04,869 - Act like a turkey. - What? Wha... 162 00:07:04,870 --> 00:07:06,450 - Are you scared? - Act like a turkey! 163 00:07:09,490 --> 00:07:12,090 - That's Rodriguez and Fincher, sir. - It's Rick and Morty, 164 00:07:12,110 --> 00:07:13,870 you useless stump humper! 165 00:07:13,890 --> 00:07:16,550 Sorry, don't tell 10% of your friends I called you that. 166 00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:17,600 Mr. President. 167 00:07:17,620 --> 00:07:19,410 Sanchez, admit it. You lose. 168 00:07:19,430 --> 00:07:21,316 Say it and I'll let your loser ass go. 169 00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:24,769 Did you just try to spit in my face with no saliva gland? 170 00:07:24,770 --> 00:07:25,890 Just pardon me, dick. 171 00:07:25,910 --> 00:07:26,989 - Why the hell would I? - Oh, I dunno, 172 00:07:26,990 --> 00:07:28,370 'cause if I move to Canada, 173 00:07:28,380 --> 00:07:29,409 they'll be the best country! 174 00:07:29,410 --> 00:07:31,159 I'll peck your goddamn eyes out! 175 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:32,328 Ow! Hey! 176 00:07:32,930 --> 00:07:35,630 - Shit! My plume! - Hey, back off! 177 00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:38,970 Blueberries! We got blueberries down! 178 00:07:38,990 --> 00:07:41,129 Hold your positions, it's a feeding frenzy! 179 00:07:41,140 --> 00:07:43,430 I-I can't see. I mean, I can see. 180 00:07:43,450 --> 00:07:47,740 270 degrees... it's too many degrees! 181 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:50,270 Sir, we are losing the mental game down here. 182 00:07:50,290 --> 00:07:51,469 Keep it together, soldier! 183 00:07:51,470 --> 00:07:53,540 POTUS is still in that pen... 184 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,090 We just lost New York to France! 185 00:08:02,110 --> 00:08:03,651 Pull out the President right now! 186 00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:05,870 Gobble Tango... I want POTUS out of that pen! 187 00:08:05,890 --> 00:08:08,110 That is an order! Locate the president's chip! 188 00:08:08,130 --> 00:08:09,630 Roger, roger. 189 00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:10,860 There he is, I got him. 190 00:08:10,870 --> 00:08:12,850 Let's go, boys! Let's fly out the Eagle! 191 00:08:15,110 --> 00:08:16,372 Hey, that's not me! 192 00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:18,310 Package is secure. Pull us out. 193 00:08:19,990 --> 00:08:21,780 Reinjecting subject DNA. 194 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,590 Hoppin' Jehovah, you look like five pounds of shit 195 00:08:33,610 --> 00:08:35,070 in a whore's lunchbox. 196 00:08:35,090 --> 00:08:36,710 You all right, Mr. President? 197 00:08:36,730 --> 00:08:40,062 Yes. I am... the President. 198 00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:42,340 Clean his ass up and get him to the War Room. 199 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:45,670 Hey! Gobble Squad! You got the wrong guy, you morons! 200 00:08:45,690 --> 00:08:47,710 Look at this dumb piece of. 201 00:08:47,730 --> 00:08:49,697 Gobbling away. Get back in there! 202 00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:52,533 All right, boys, you heard the VP. 203 00:08:52,540 --> 00:08:53,600 Pardon is tits up. 204 00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,180 Pack up and ship out! 205 00:08:57,710 --> 00:08:59,910 As for you, Sanchez... 206 00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,150 bon appétit. 207 00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:05,970 Where is this elevator going? 208 00:09:05,990 --> 00:09:08,320 Where all the unchosen turkeys go. 209 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:09,870 The feeding chamber. 210 00:09:13,510 --> 00:09:17,150 - What the is that? - Not what... who. 211 00:09:17,170 --> 00:09:20,500 The only thing to fear is... me! 212 00:09:20,510 --> 00:09:21,669 How the does the White House 213 00:09:21,670 --> 00:09:23,530 have a cloned spider of FDR? 214 00:09:23,550 --> 00:09:24,960 It's no clone, it's FDR. 215 00:09:24,980 --> 00:09:26,569 He was a guinea pig for the polio vaccine. 216 00:09:26,570 --> 00:09:29,050 We asked ourselves "What walks the most?" 217 00:09:29,070 --> 00:09:30,880 "We?" You're taking credit for this? 218 00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:33,180 The office comes with baggage, Morty. 219 00:09:34,010 --> 00:09:36,449 - Rick, I'm afraid to die! - You won't have to be for long, Morty! 220 00:09:36,450 --> 00:09:37,929 We're due to return to human form any second! 221 00:09:37,930 --> 00:09:39,529 - Then what? - Then we just have to not get eaten 222 00:09:39,530 --> 00:09:40,900 by the spider! 223 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,910 Oh, so in other words, be afraid to die? 224 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:44,739 Morty, if winning an argument is that important to you, 225 00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:45,753 you were never alive! 226 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,330 Time for a New Deal... Murder! 227 00:09:48,350 --> 00:09:50,750 I'm sick of hearing how iconic you were! 228 00:09:51,470 --> 00:09:53,520 Try having an historical administration 229 00:09:53,540 --> 00:09:56,040 after Facebook goes online, you old-timey bitch! 230 00:09:57,370 --> 00:09:58,950 Morty, tear open that panel! 231 00:10:00,060 --> 00:10:02,210 How's this for a fireside chat? 232 00:10:05,130 --> 00:10:06,770 Woof. You just killed FDR. 233 00:10:06,790 --> 00:10:07,970 He was a monster, though. 234 00:10:07,990 --> 00:10:10,150 Don't mythologize him. He was a politician. 235 00:10:10,180 --> 00:10:12,210 Speaking of, you kind of saved our bacon there, 236 00:10:12,230 --> 00:10:13,250 so I'll make you a deal. 237 00:10:13,270 --> 00:10:15,270 You pardon us and I'll make you human. 238 00:10:15,290 --> 00:10:16,650 Wrong turkey. 239 00:10:16,670 --> 00:10:18,550 Man, the face blindness is real. 240 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,830 I'd like these... men... turned back into humans, please. 241 00:10:23,850 --> 00:10:25,530 Uh, yes, of course, Mr. President. 242 00:10:25,550 --> 00:10:27,750 But I thought we already rehumanized 243 00:10:27,770 --> 00:10:29,171 all the turkified marines. 244 00:10:29,180 --> 00:10:32,070 I'd like these men turned back into humans. 245 00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:33,410 I am the President. 246 00:10:33,430 --> 00:10:34,670 Yes, sir. Uh, sure thing. 247 00:10:34,690 --> 00:10:39,010 Increase their strength by 1,000%. 248 00:10:39,030 --> 00:10:41,250 But... that wouldn't be human. 249 00:10:41,270 --> 00:10:45,150 Turkeys have always been more than human. 250 00:10:45,170 --> 00:10:48,410 Okay, uh, so right there, now I'm starting to... 251 00:10:49,990 --> 00:10:54,090 I am selling New York to France. 252 00:10:54,710 --> 00:10:57,850 And giving all of the money to Congress. 253 00:10:57,870 --> 00:10:59,640 All right, yeah! 254 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:00,780 Now that's how you do it! 255 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:02,640 He became President today. 256 00:11:04,890 --> 00:11:06,150 That's right, murmur! 257 00:11:06,170 --> 00:11:07,770 And when you're done, get me some pants. 258 00:11:07,790 --> 00:11:09,350 If you're the President, 259 00:11:09,370 --> 00:11:11,690 who the hell have we been governing the country with 260 00:11:11,710 --> 00:11:12,882 for the last three hours? 261 00:11:12,883 --> 00:11:14,660 An impostor, you good for nothing idiot! 262 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,510 You humanized the wrong turkey! 263 00:11:16,530 --> 00:11:17,830 It's possible. 264 00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:20,130 We shouldn't leave anything to chance. 265 00:11:20,150 --> 00:11:24,060 Wouldn't want Congress working with the wrong president. 266 00:11:24,070 --> 00:11:26,840 A very good point, Mr. President. 267 00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:28,420 Do we believe this fine feathered, 268 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,750 collaborative gentleman to be our commander-in-chief? 269 00:11:30,770 --> 00:11:34,490 Or are we gonna let "Mr. Cash Bar at the Christmas Party" 270 00:11:34,510 --> 00:11:35,520 stay in office? 271 00:11:35,540 --> 00:11:38,150 All in favor of Turkey President? 272 00:11:38,170 --> 00:11:39,310 You can't be serious. 273 00:11:39,330 --> 00:11:40,910 You think he cares about America? 274 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,210 Is that why this is happening to you? 275 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:45,748 Because you cared about America? 276 00:11:46,690 --> 00:11:49,830 Guards, these men are... oh, what is the word? 277 00:11:49,850 --> 00:11:51,490 Uh, terrorists. 278 00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:54,730 Okay, screw this. Go, Go, Sanchez laser fists. 279 00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:57,380 Oh, I was a turkey for a while, wasn't I? 280 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,330 Okay, guy's pretty strong. 281 00:11:59,340 --> 00:12:00,350 Mary Todd Lincoln! 282 00:12:03,950 --> 00:12:05,559 Who's dead weight now, bitch? 283 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:13,274 You should regain feeling in your ass in a minute. 284 00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:15,194 Sorry my turrets blew up your motorcycle. 285 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:16,930 Just give me some goddamn clothes. 286 00:12:16,950 --> 00:12:19,250 Must suck to have your only safe haven be my house. 287 00:12:19,270 --> 00:12:20,530 Y-You want your regular outfit 288 00:12:20,550 --> 00:12:22,769 - or should we dress you like a terrorist? - I don't need to be here, 289 00:12:22,770 --> 00:12:23,829 and I'm still the President. 290 00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:25,929 Oh, glad to hear it. That means you can give me that pardon. 291 00:12:25,930 --> 00:12:27,469 Or... Or I could put you out with the trash. 292 00:12:27,470 --> 00:12:29,550 What is your problem? Why do you hate this country? 293 00:12:29,570 --> 00:12:31,299 I hate every country in the universe, brother! 294 00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:32,920 They're job placement programs 295 00:12:32,940 --> 00:12:34,419 for the politicians that invent them... 296 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:35,740 Okay, Fight Club. 297 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:38,490 I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on! 298 00:12:38,510 --> 00:12:40,090 You get paid to make sports metaphors! 299 00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:41,410 I clean your litterbox! 300 00:12:41,430 --> 00:12:43,710 So your little nerd paws don't have to touch 301 00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,880 another nerd's nerdy poopies while you're flexing 302 00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,870 your grody little edge lord anus all over it! 303 00:12:47,890 --> 00:12:49,430 Guys, maybe you're both right 304 00:12:49,450 --> 00:12:50,989 - and both wrong. - Shut up, Morty! 305 00:12:50,990 --> 00:12:53,370 You little bitch, you destroyed the Constitution. 306 00:12:53,390 --> 00:12:54,779 You're the biggest booger eater here! 307 00:12:54,780 --> 00:12:56,652 Do not talk to my son that way. 308 00:12:57,590 --> 00:12:58,900 Sorry, Mrs. Smith. 309 00:12:58,910 --> 00:13:01,210 The two of you are ruining Thanksgiving. Together. 310 00:13:01,230 --> 00:13:02,829 And you can both either come to the table 311 00:13:02,830 --> 00:13:04,210 and eat food with my family 312 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,890 or you can keep doing what you're doing at the corner bar. 313 00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:09,999 Bars actually suck at Thanksgiving. 314 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,290 I'm still trying to sort through this. 315 00:13:12,310 --> 00:13:14,250 One of you wishes you had the personal quality 316 00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:15,280 known as courage, 317 00:13:15,290 --> 00:13:17,700 but the other two of you want actual vital organs? 318 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,020 This Charlie Kaufman reboot of "Wizard of Oz" 319 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:21,490 is destroying itself. 320 00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:23,120 That's why I need a brain! 321 00:13:23,140 --> 00:13:26,130 I'm doing a terrible job writing this! 322 00:13:26,150 --> 00:13:27,590 Pass the potatoes. 323 00:13:28,770 --> 00:13:30,630 - Thank you. - Mm-hmm. 324 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,430 Good green beans, Mom. 325 00:13:32,450 --> 00:13:34,570 The turkey's raw, Dad. Shit's potato bunz. 326 00:13:34,590 --> 00:13:36,770 Sorry, Summer, the United States enclosed us 327 00:13:36,790 --> 00:13:39,200 in a shimmer bubble that scrambled my oven timer. 328 00:13:39,220 --> 00:13:41,590 So I guess elections do have consequences. 329 00:13:41,610 --> 00:13:44,350 Eat my ass, Jerry. I've seen your IRS records. 330 00:13:44,370 --> 00:13:46,530 You can blame me once you have taxable income. 331 00:13:46,550 --> 00:13:48,430 Yes, Jerry is a piece of. 332 00:13:48,450 --> 00:13:49,790 I agree. 333 00:13:49,810 --> 00:13:51,730 Um, guys? What's that? 334 00:13:51,750 --> 00:13:54,750 Paula, as you can see, President Curtis has enacted a plan 335 00:13:54,770 --> 00:13:56,410 to turn all turkeys in America 336 00:13:56,430 --> 00:13:57,970 into hybrid super soldiers. 337 00:13:57,990 --> 00:13:59,960 The move has 100% approval from Congress 338 00:13:59,970 --> 00:14:02,090 following its third pay raise in six hours. 339 00:14:02,110 --> 00:14:03,120 Back to you. 340 00:14:07,310 --> 00:14:09,320 My God, the bastard's unhinged! 341 00:14:09,340 --> 00:14:11,210 There won't be a single bird left in DC! 342 00:14:11,230 --> 00:14:14,010 Oh, wow, wiping out a native population on Thanksgiving? 343 00:14:14,030 --> 00:14:16,230 - That's never happened before. - What did you just say? 344 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,330 Well, I-I associated Thanksgiving with genocide. 345 00:14:18,350 --> 00:14:20,680 It's what young people do. I wasn't trying to... 346 00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:22,170 The Crypt of the New World. 347 00:14:22,190 --> 00:14:24,460 That could be our one chance to turn this thing around. 348 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:25,630 You know about the Crypt? 349 00:14:25,650 --> 00:14:27,310 Ugh, so the treasure's already gone. 350 00:14:27,330 --> 00:14:29,560 Wait, is that why you were stealing the Constitution? 351 00:14:29,580 --> 00:14:30,590 You old fart dick. 352 00:14:30,610 --> 00:14:32,690 The Crypt of the New World isn't a treasure. 353 00:14:32,710 --> 00:14:34,050 But it might be our only hope. 354 00:14:34,070 --> 00:14:36,480 - Come on. - But isn't the crypt underneath DC? 355 00:14:36,490 --> 00:14:38,130 The Turkey President's got an army. 356 00:14:38,150 --> 00:14:39,830 An actual Army. And an Air Force. 357 00:14:39,850 --> 00:14:41,109 - And Marines... - Slow down, Morty. 358 00:14:41,110 --> 00:14:42,700 Walk us through every military service. 359 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:43,730 Does somebody have a pen? 360 00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,300 We've got something more powerful 361 00:14:45,310 --> 00:14:46,830 than every army in the world. 362 00:14:46,850 --> 00:14:49,310 Well, no, we don't, but with the right speech, 363 00:14:49,330 --> 00:14:51,119 we could get a handful of well-trained hillbillies. 364 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:52,830 Eh, it worked against the British. I'm in. 365 00:14:54,070 --> 00:14:55,650 Birds replacin' people. 366 00:14:55,670 --> 00:14:58,210 What would Johnny Cash or Dale Earnhardt say? 367 00:14:58,220 --> 00:15:00,390 He'd say "It's time to walk the line" 368 00:15:00,420 --> 00:15:02,410 or "Drive very fast between two of them." 369 00:15:02,430 --> 00:15:04,230 We don't serve your kind here. 370 00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:05,680 Oh, my God, are you serious? 371 00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:07,620 - Read the sign. 372 00:15:07,630 --> 00:15:09,630 - He's my boss, Marvin. - It's okay. 373 00:15:09,650 --> 00:15:12,120 Mistrusting Presidents is a patriotic duty. 374 00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:13,900 And that guy on TV isn't me. 375 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,010 He's a turkey infused with my DNA. 376 00:15:16,030 --> 00:15:18,043 I'll be damned. 377 00:15:20,610 --> 00:15:21,910 Well, I'm racist. 378 00:15:21,930 --> 00:15:24,330 You better not be here to take my man again. 379 00:15:24,350 --> 00:15:25,810 - Mary Lou. - I'm poor! 380 00:15:25,830 --> 00:15:27,000 And pregnant! 381 00:15:27,020 --> 00:15:29,780 - With a poor person! - And I need you. 382 00:15:29,790 --> 00:15:31,290 And 10% of your baby. 383 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:34,990 Now, look, I know it's gonna take more than some speech. 384 00:15:35,010 --> 00:15:36,590 But what is a speech? 385 00:15:36,610 --> 00:15:38,410 Isn't it just a question? 386 00:15:38,430 --> 00:15:40,070 And isn't that a question too? 387 00:15:40,090 --> 00:15:41,550 Speeches are words. 388 00:15:41,570 --> 00:15:42,970 Repeated words. 389 00:15:42,990 --> 00:15:44,310 Listed words. 390 00:15:44,330 --> 00:15:46,180 Repeated lists of repeated words. 391 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,590 None of that matters. 392 00:15:47,610 --> 00:15:49,110 You know what does matter? 393 00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:53,770 Me. Asking you. "Will you do what I say?" 394 00:15:53,790 --> 00:15:55,770 Just two questions, Chief. 395 00:15:55,790 --> 00:15:59,030 Lock? And load? 396 00:15:59,050 --> 00:16:00,230 They're rhetorical, sir! 397 00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:01,510 Lock and load! 398 00:16:01,530 --> 00:16:03,320 Lock and load! 399 00:16:11,430 --> 00:16:14,070 Sir, we've got Rick and Morty coming in what appears to be 400 00:16:14,090 --> 00:16:16,050 an unlicensed "Star Wars" AT-AT. 401 00:16:16,070 --> 00:16:18,530 Or as the millennials say, A-T, A-T. 402 00:16:18,550 --> 00:16:19,820 So it begins. 403 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:22,340 Gobblers! Tonight, we rise! 404 00:16:30,610 --> 00:16:32,270 Aww, geez, geez, geez. 405 00:16:33,830 --> 00:16:35,371 Nice driving, Sanchez. 406 00:16:35,380 --> 00:16:37,039 Wire's down, pen is clear. 407 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:38,590 You know the goddamn rules! 408 00:16:38,610 --> 00:16:40,099 If you see something clucking or pecking, 409 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,543 put a buckshot in its panties. 410 00:16:56,020 --> 00:16:58,110 Jesus Christ! T-they got Johnson! 411 00:16:58,120 --> 00:16:59,330 He got off easy. 412 00:16:59,350 --> 00:17:01,290 Hold off the bastards! 413 00:17:03,150 --> 00:17:05,630 - What now, Rick? - Time to turn up the broiler. 414 00:17:12,430 --> 00:17:15,950 - Whoa, i-is that... - The Crypt of the New World. 415 00:17:17,430 --> 00:17:21,230 The treasure you were after is this country's oldest secret. 416 00:17:21,250 --> 00:17:25,130 One disguised by centuries of Thanksgiving folklore. 417 00:17:27,870 --> 00:17:30,260 Is that... a turkey dinosaur? 418 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:31,750 America's original rulers. 419 00:17:31,770 --> 00:17:35,110 Merciless beasts, grazing on the flesh of cowering humans. 420 00:17:35,130 --> 00:17:37,830 Then, in the 15th century, a vessel crashed. 421 00:17:37,850 --> 00:17:41,750 Two vessels, really. On board... our saviors. 422 00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:44,460 Sanchez, pull that lever at the same time I do. 423 00:17:54,410 --> 00:17:56,550 Oh, they're gonna fight! 424 00:17:57,230 --> 00:17:59,020 No, wait, they love each other! 425 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:00,710 They were at war when they arrived, 426 00:18:00,730 --> 00:18:03,230 but they united over their hatred of turkeys. 427 00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:05,250 And what they love even more than each other 428 00:18:05,270 --> 00:18:07,400 is kicking turkey butt. 429 00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:10,620 Gentlemen! Ba'ruka Dar Tin'in Yo-Tei! 430 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,870 Coooooooooorn! 431 00:18:22,410 --> 00:18:24,410 It's working! Come on, Sanchez, 432 00:18:24,430 --> 00:18:26,210 let's power down the humanizer ray. 433 00:18:30,950 --> 00:18:32,750 - Whose side are we on? - I don't know, 434 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:35,050 but we've done enough to pay for college. 435 00:18:36,310 --> 00:18:38,060 Look, we're almost there. 436 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,829 Sorry, my turn for a surprise. 437 00:18:40,830 --> 00:18:42,950 Damn, this guy loves arriving from the shadows. 438 00:18:42,970 --> 00:18:45,400 Look around. You can't beat our ancient warriors. 439 00:18:45,410 --> 00:18:48,630 Can't I? My kind has always dealt with predators. 440 00:18:48,650 --> 00:18:50,750 That's why we sleep in trees. 441 00:18:50,770 --> 00:18:53,950 And that's why, in the wild, we fly. 442 00:18:55,850 --> 00:18:58,210 Now you must choose... 443 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:02,450 Fight me, or stop that weapon from turning all of America's turkeys 444 00:19:02,470 --> 00:19:04,670 into a new master race. 445 00:19:04,690 --> 00:19:06,119 You dumb dip, there's three of us, 446 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:07,410 and two of us are spacemen. 447 00:19:07,430 --> 00:19:09,280 Obviously they're gonna save America 448 00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:10,489 and bring that monument home, 449 00:19:10,490 --> 00:19:12,290 and I'm gonna kick your ass. 450 00:19:12,310 --> 00:19:13,590 Oh, and, Sanchez? 451 00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,090 - You got your pardon. - Aw. 452 00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:16,950 Shut up, Morty. Come on. 453 00:19:16,970 --> 00:19:19,340 - Let's go, bitch. - So be it. 454 00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:25,150 Is it true what Turkey Man said? That turkeys sleep in trees? 455 00:19:25,170 --> 00:19:26,270 Who the hell cares, Morty? 456 00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:27,969 Let's just deactivate this. 457 00:19:27,970 --> 00:19:29,650 Calibrating. 458 00:19:29,670 --> 00:19:32,005 Targeting all American turkeys. 459 00:19:32,010 --> 00:19:33,510 Oh, my God, they gave it a voice? 460 00:19:33,530 --> 00:19:35,150 Who is this for? We're in space. 461 00:19:36,390 --> 00:19:39,070 - Geez, Rick, I-I-I guess them? - Morty, use this carefully. 462 00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:41,130 Crack the humanizer core and cut the blue wire. 463 00:19:41,150 --> 00:19:42,170 You hear me? Blue wire. 464 00:19:42,190 --> 00:19:43,539 Wha... Why don't we just blow it up? 465 00:19:43,540 --> 00:19:45,090 It's a national monument, nut! 466 00:19:45,110 --> 00:19:46,119 We just got pardoned. 467 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:48,140 You really wanna do this again next year? 468 00:19:52,910 --> 00:19:54,450 You forgot something, Turkey Man. 469 00:19:54,470 --> 00:19:56,905 No matter what you got people to believe, 470 00:19:56,910 --> 00:19:59,220 I'm still the goddamn President. 471 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:02,390 And you forget, in the one day I've had your job, 472 00:20:02,420 --> 00:20:04,690 I've learned 10 times as much. 473 00:20:04,710 --> 00:20:06,480 I've underestimated you. 474 00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:08,230 For the last time. 475 00:20:13,350 --> 00:20:15,310 Rick, they're not exactly primary colors! 476 00:20:15,340 --> 00:20:17,420 A-Are... Are we cool with, like, t-turquoise? 477 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:19,553 Are you kidding me, Morty? Just cut the damn thing! 478 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,638 Oh, shit, oh, 479 00:20:24,070 --> 00:20:26,610 Targets acquired. Activating weapon. 480 00:20:26,630 --> 00:20:28,460 Oh, shit! Oooooooh! 481 00:20:29,670 --> 00:20:31,590 Heritage destroyed. 482 00:20:31,610 --> 00:20:32,670 Morty! 483 00:20:34,910 --> 00:20:37,010 God damn it, you had one job! 484 00:20:44,690 --> 00:20:46,230 I beat you. 485 00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:48,320 Look at me, you turkey ass bitch. 486 00:20:49,580 --> 00:20:51,670 Wait, why are you... 487 00:20:51,690 --> 00:20:55,500 - Is that a wishbone? - I wish to explode. 488 00:21:02,290 --> 00:21:04,220 The Berlin Wall has come down. 489 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,549 It's called the Playstation. 490 00:21:05,550 --> 00:21:07,530 The winner is... "Shakespeare in Love." 491 00:21:07,550 --> 00:21:10,150 - Playstation 2. - Hurricane Katrina slams Louisiana... 492 00:21:10,170 --> 00:21:12,099 - Playstation 3. - This is Maroon Five... 493 00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:13,850 - Playstation 4. - The Cubbies win! 494 00:21:13,870 --> 00:21:16,380 I want a Playstation 5. 495 00:21:17,550 --> 00:21:18,829 I wasn't sure when to pull you out. 496 00:21:18,830 --> 00:21:20,769 I-I assumed you were running through your whole life. 497 00:21:20,770 --> 00:21:22,230 Yes. 498 00:21:22,250 --> 00:21:24,326 And what a life it was. 499 00:21:25,230 --> 00:21:27,955 Gentlemen, thank you once again for saving this nation. 500 00:21:27,956 --> 00:21:29,831 Slloosh garg blurrg. 501 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:31,150 I don't speak googa. 502 00:21:31,170 --> 00:21:33,500 The CIA only taught me your activation phrase. 503 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:34,910 But if I could say anything... 504 00:21:34,930 --> 00:21:37,900 I'd say give America one more chance. 505 00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:44,679 Kalaak 'ha benben prilo garg. 506 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:47,730 Oh, my God, they're gonna fight. Th-They're really gonna fight. 507 00:21:47,750 --> 00:21:49,643 Aw, they love each other! 508 00:21:49,650 --> 00:21:51,309 - Never gets old. - I'll never get tired of that. 509 00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:53,920 So... after those aliens discovered America... 510 00:21:53,940 --> 00:21:55,150 They went into hibernation, 511 00:21:55,170 --> 00:21:58,770 leaving us the technology we used to lead the free world. 512 00:21:58,790 --> 00:22:00,850 That and also to do stuff like slavery. 513 00:22:00,860 --> 00:22:03,470 I always thought we were... more special than that. 514 00:22:03,490 --> 00:22:05,209 Like we invented everything and did everything 515 00:22:05,210 --> 00:22:06,710 and that's why we own everything. 516 00:22:06,730 --> 00:22:08,704 Now I-I-I-I don't know what to feel. 517 00:22:08,705 --> 00:22:10,510 Feel thankful, Morty. 518 00:22:10,530 --> 00:22:12,449 Feel thankful. 519 00:22:12,450 --> 00:22:17,450 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - www.addic7ed.com ... 520 00:22:43,980 --> 00:22:46,090 I know, baby. 521 00:22:46,110 --> 00:22:48,990 Coop, honey, should we get Lucky Charms or Kibble Bibbitz? 522 00:22:49,010 --> 00:22:50,630 You know we can't afford either. 523 00:22:50,650 --> 00:22:52,470 Baby, the President owes you. 524 00:22:52,490 --> 00:22:53,630 You saved him. 525 00:22:53,650 --> 00:22:55,417 Ain't his fault our insurance got cut. 526 00:22:55,420 --> 00:22:56,500 They gotta build missiles. 527 00:22:56,510 --> 00:22:59,590 Ugh, fine, just... Can y'all hold Jakey for a second? 528 00:23:10,020 --> 00:23:11,269 What the hell's he doin'? 529 00:23:11,270 --> 00:23:12,439 I think he's foraging. 530 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:14,250 Crazy bastard thinks he's a turkey. 531 00:23:14,270 --> 00:23:16,340 Well, I refuse to pay for this man's health care. 532 00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:24,196 Did you get any of that?