1 00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:08,520 Ah! Now, that was some fantastic chow mein. 2 00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:10,220 And before you say that sounded racist, 3 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:11,970 you can ask the waiter how they say it. 4 00:00:11,990 --> 00:00:14,590 It's Panda Express, honey. The waiter's from Portland. 5 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:16,370 All right, who the hell changed my ringtone 6 00:00:16,390 --> 00:00:18,590 to the theme from "Taxi"? 7 00:00:18,610 --> 00:00:20,090 It's a new thing on Taxi Tok. 8 00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:21,660 That's a subculture on TikTok of kids 9 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,470 who decided the theme from "Taxi" slaps. 10 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:24,829 Now you have to play the "Taxi" theme 11 00:00:24,830 --> 00:00:26,200 for ten people while I film it. 12 00:00:26,210 --> 00:00:27,930 I don't have to do shit. That's dumb. 13 00:00:28,870 --> 00:00:31,190 It raises awareness for leukemia. 14 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:34,470 So... who else is excited for the zoo tomorrow? 15 00:00:34,490 --> 00:00:36,880 Zoos are my favorite kind of non-water park. 16 00:00:36,890 --> 00:00:38,990 It's just a shame that they both give you diarrhea. 17 00:00:39,010 --> 00:00:41,870 You only get diarrhea at the zoo if you eat the food 18 00:00:41,890 --> 00:00:43,490 you're supposed to feed to the animals. 19 00:00:43,500 --> 00:00:45,120 Which you've done, twice. 20 00:00:45,130 --> 00:00:47,250 They put it in gumball machines. 21 00:00:47,260 --> 00:00:49,110 You know, fortune cookies only come true 22 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,052 if you eat the cookie first. 23 00:00:51,060 --> 00:00:55,014 All right. "Hard work often pays off"? Lame. 24 00:00:55,020 --> 00:00:57,890 "Family time is time well spent." 25 00:00:57,910 --> 00:01:00,061 Okay, that's not only empty. It's been disproven. 26 00:01:00,070 --> 00:01:02,510 Okay, mine says, "Family time is time well... " 27 00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:03,856 Oh, man, I got the same one? 28 00:01:03,860 --> 00:01:04,870 - Boo. - Boo. 29 00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:08,430 What's your stupid 21-century watered-down fortune cookie say, Dad? 30 00:01:08,450 --> 00:01:11,030 "You will have sex with your mother." 31 00:01:42,260 --> 00:01:46,482 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - — www.addic7ed.com — 32 00:01:47,470 --> 00:01:49,530 Fortune cookies aren't legitimate, right? 33 00:01:49,550 --> 00:01:51,210 Jerry, are you seriously asking 34 00:01:51,230 --> 00:01:52,929 if I think you're gonna have sex with your mom? 35 00:01:52,930 --> 00:01:55,930 No, I-I wanted to ask if it's okay with you 36 00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:57,950 if I make myself throw up the cookie. 37 00:01:57,970 --> 00:02:00,930 If it makes you feel better and you can do it quietly, yes, 38 00:02:00,950 --> 00:02:03,010 but don't hand that advice down to Summer. 39 00:02:05,350 --> 00:02:06,950 Ugh! Can't do it. 40 00:02:06,970 --> 00:02:09,190 Sleepy Gary ruined my gag reflex, 41 00:02:09,210 --> 00:02:11,690 which is frustrating because Sleepy Gary wasn't real. 42 00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:14,650 Neither are fortune cookies. Go to sleep, Jerry. 43 00:02:14,670 --> 00:02:16,440 I know they're not real. 44 00:02:16,450 --> 00:02:18,390 It's just... why is it so specific? 45 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:19,409 And why are three of the numbers 46 00:02:19,410 --> 00:02:21,420 a few numbers off from my Mom's birthday? 47 00:02:21,430 --> 00:02:22,910 Can we investigate this, Rick? 48 00:02:22,930 --> 00:02:24,190 It's not an X-File, Jerry. 49 00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,390 You got the world's last interesting fortune. 50 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:29,150 Dad, can you explain to TikTok what's going on with your mom? 51 00:02:29,170 --> 00:02:31,730 Summer, no social videoing! What if Mi-Maw sees it? 52 00:02:31,740 --> 00:02:34,010 We can't let her know this is a thing that might happen! 53 00:02:34,030 --> 00:02:35,510 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh, "might"? 54 00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,069 She's calling again. 55 00:02:37,070 --> 00:02:38,570 She doesn't usually call this much. 56 00:02:38,590 --> 00:02:40,630 Because you don't usually ghost her 57 00:02:40,650 --> 00:02:43,650 because you don't usually decide you're at risk of... 58 00:02:43,670 --> 00:02:45,459 What if she's calling me to tell me I'm adopted? 59 00:02:45,460 --> 00:02:47,890 Well, yeah, then you should definitely hit that. 60 00:02:49,020 --> 00:02:50,030 That's not funny! 61 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,150 Jerry, you're making it funny by taking it seriously. 62 00:02:53,170 --> 00:02:55,930 And none of us will be laughing if you let this ruin our zoo trip. 63 00:02:55,940 --> 00:02:58,310 Rick, can you use science to make it impossible for me to... 64 00:02:58,320 --> 00:02:59,690 Jerry, you're insulting science. 65 00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:02,230 And as the most powerful man in the universe, 66 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:04,640 if I create technology to prevent a random occurrence, 67 00:03:04,650 --> 00:03:06,730 I'll end up making it more possible than random. 68 00:03:08,450 --> 00:03:10,990 - When do we leave for the zoo? 69 00:03:11,010 --> 00:03:13,850 One hour. You have one hour to let go of this. 70 00:03:13,870 --> 00:03:15,820 I'm already done thinking about it. 71 00:03:21,370 --> 00:03:23,160 Check that out, huh? 72 00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:25,890 Ah! 73 00:03:25,910 --> 00:03:27,333 Ah! No! 74 00:03:29,650 --> 00:03:31,795 Aah! Aah! Aah! 75 00:03:33,250 --> 00:03:34,840 Let me out! Let me out! 76 00:03:36,630 --> 00:03:38,770 - You have ten seconds. - I want to go. 77 00:03:38,790 --> 00:03:40,410 You know of my love for the zoo! 78 00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:41,760 Why are you dressed like Morty? 79 00:03:41,780 --> 00:03:43,630 Because Morty's mom is Beth. 80 00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:45,351 I'm not unpacking that. 81 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,910 Okay, if you think I have this much patience for the zoo, 82 00:03:47,930 --> 00:03:49,980 on Earth, you're sorely mistaken. 83 00:03:49,990 --> 00:03:52,950 Jerry, if you don't come with us, I will be so disappointed. 84 00:03:52,970 --> 00:03:54,709 Okay, you guys should probably go on without Jerry. 85 00:03:54,710 --> 00:03:56,910 I just took some readings on his probability field, 86 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,650 and this fortune has some strange powers 87 00:03:58,670 --> 00:04:00,209 - I'm gonna need to investigate. - Really? 88 00:04:00,210 --> 00:04:02,350 - Oh, God, I knew it. - Okay. 89 00:04:02,370 --> 00:04:03,810 - Well, be careful, honey. - Ooh! 90 00:04:03,830 --> 00:04:05,369 Bring me back a handful of zebra snacks? 91 00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:08,790 A-And please take pictures with my favorite animal, the white tiger! 92 00:04:08,810 --> 00:04:11,200 - Because they breed via incest? - Is that true? 93 00:04:14,430 --> 00:04:16,966 - Ah. I knew I was right. - Not even close. 94 00:04:16,970 --> 00:04:19,710 I just didn't want to see someone get bullied into going to a zoo. 95 00:04:19,730 --> 00:04:21,969 You may be the single dumbest human I've ever met, Jerry, 96 00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:25,010 but you still have a right to take whatever you want seriously. 97 00:04:25,030 --> 00:04:27,909 Thank you, but if that thing says I'm not gonna do it with my mom, 98 00:04:27,910 --> 00:04:28,920 I can go to the zoo. 99 00:04:28,930 --> 00:04:31,670 Jerry, this thing measures aberrations in probability waves. 100 00:04:31,690 --> 00:04:34,020 I didn't even bother to turn it on because if I did... 101 00:04:35,380 --> 00:04:36,390 - Huh. - What? 102 00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,130 Nothing. Don't get weird on me. 103 00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:40,140 But, uh, since we're free for the afternoon, 104 00:04:40,150 --> 00:04:41,907 you mind doing a quick activity? 105 00:04:41,910 --> 00:04:44,230 We're gonna disprove this with efficient brute force. 106 00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,110 These are two shoeboxes. Both are empty, 107 00:04:46,130 --> 00:04:48,049 but I wrote your mother's name on the inside of one. 108 00:04:48,050 --> 00:04:50,850 What? God, no! If you think for a second I'm gonna put my... 109 00:04:50,870 --> 00:04:52,690 Good. I didn't wanna do this anyway. 110 00:04:52,710 --> 00:04:56,255 Fine! Can I just tell you which box I would put my penis in? 111 00:04:56,260 --> 00:04:59,008 Saying it seems worse, but okay. 112 00:04:59,010 --> 00:05:02,177 All right. I would put my penis in the box on the right. 113 00:05:02,180 --> 00:05:03,729 Great. Uh, look in the other direction, 114 00:05:03,730 --> 00:05:05,410 and I'm gonna switch up the boxes. 115 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,710 This feels really low-tech. 116 00:05:06,730 --> 00:05:08,650 Yeah, 'cause we're measuring reality. 117 00:05:10,630 --> 00:05:11,860 I would take out my penis 118 00:05:11,870 --> 00:05:14,060 and place it in the box on the... right. 119 00:05:14,070 --> 00:05:15,691 Again. 120 00:05:16,710 --> 00:05:18,320 I would put my penis... 121 00:05:18,330 --> 00:05:20,059 Jerry, you don't have to say "penis" every time. 122 00:05:20,060 --> 00:05:22,350 - Just left or right. - Hey, this was your idea! 123 00:05:22,370 --> 00:05:24,070 I didn't think it'd go on this long. 124 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,810 Okay, penis. Ugh! Left! 125 00:05:26,830 --> 00:05:29,170 - Keep going. - Right. 126 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:32,860 Left. Right. 127 00:05:32,870 --> 00:05:34,350 Jerry, are you fucking peeking? 128 00:05:34,370 --> 00:05:37,090 Tell me what's going on! You're scaring me! 129 00:05:39,510 --> 00:05:41,270 Okay, I'm just as likely to shit a balloon 130 00:05:41,290 --> 00:05:42,420 as I am to become a dolphin. 131 00:05:42,430 --> 00:05:43,589 Those are things that could happen? 132 00:05:43,590 --> 00:05:45,700 Jerry, everything is as likely as anything else. 133 00:05:47,470 --> 00:05:49,970 Which is why it's weird that you're at all likely to... 134 00:05:49,990 --> 00:05:51,700 To what? To what? 135 00:05:51,710 --> 00:05:54,350 Jerry, has your mother been leaving messages? 136 00:05:54,370 --> 00:05:56,950 Three texts. I'm afraid to read them. 137 00:05:56,970 --> 00:05:58,410 Read them. 138 00:05:58,420 --> 00:06:00,450 She's asking if she can come visit. 139 00:06:00,470 --> 00:06:02,110 Why would she want that? 140 00:06:02,130 --> 00:06:05,774 Jerry, I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anyone. 141 00:06:05,780 --> 00:06:07,826 We need to go to Panda Express. 142 00:06:08,570 --> 00:06:09,769 If these guys wanted my respect, 143 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:11,339 they could've just gotten a liquor license. 144 00:06:11,340 --> 00:06:13,370 Now you think this has something to do with you? 145 00:06:13,380 --> 00:06:16,130 Jerry, whoever's behind that fortune has, like, god powers. 146 00:06:16,140 --> 00:06:17,790 Of course it has something to do with me. 147 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,631 What do you think I am in this story, the father-in-law? 148 00:06:24,770 --> 00:06:26,850 You guys wanted my attention? 149 00:06:29,030 --> 00:06:31,519 Okay, well, now I'm getting mixed signals. 150 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:32,600 - Gah! 151 00:06:32,610 --> 00:06:33,850 Stay here, Jerry. 152 00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:35,010 Time to kick ass. 153 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,270 Gonna need a soundtrack. 154 00:06:36,290 --> 00:06:38,607 Ship, favorites playlist, track one. 155 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,590 All right, fine. No wrong answers. 156 00:07:01,510 --> 00:07:03,090 Tell me where you get your cookies at, 157 00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,899 - and we can all walk out of here alive! - Fuck you, DEA piece of shit! 158 00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:06,239 - DEA? - Cookies? 159 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:07,429 - Fortune cookies. - You're not here 160 00:07:07,430 --> 00:07:08,899 about our gang's city-wide meth ring? 161 00:07:08,900 --> 00:07:11,740 What? No. Break the laws. They shouldn't exist anyway. 162 00:07:12,970 --> 00:07:15,150 Yeah. Wow. I am embarrassed. 163 00:07:15,170 --> 00:07:18,410 Aw, me too. Sorry about, uh, these dead guys. 164 00:07:18,420 --> 00:07:19,850 Comes with the territory. 165 00:07:19,870 --> 00:07:21,950 So w-where do you get your cookies? 166 00:07:21,970 --> 00:07:24,750 Same distributor as everyone else. That's their truck out back. 167 00:07:24,770 --> 00:07:26,330 Solid. Okay, I'm gonna take the truck 168 00:07:26,340 --> 00:07:28,115 in exchange for not turning you in. 169 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,630 Geez. How much money can there be 170 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,041 in cookies that you get for free? 171 00:07:38,050 --> 00:07:40,390 And now we're being retina scanned? 172 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:41,720 Oh, oh, oh! I know! 173 00:07:41,730 --> 00:07:43,660 - I've got a theory, Jerry. - Oh, good. 174 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,650 This place is run by Cookie Monster. 175 00:07:46,670 --> 00:07:48,930 He's really protective about his cookies. 176 00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:50,830 C'mon, man. You can't crack a smile? 177 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:52,839 Oh, yeah... you're worried about doing it with your mom. 178 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,010 Okay. Fair enough. 179 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:57,210 Whoa! 180 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,750 Fucking cameras everywhere. That cup is a camera. 181 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,567 That tree is a camera. 182 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:04,850 Can you disable them? 183 00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:07,290 Stealth rule number one... turning off 300 cameras 184 00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:09,697 draws more attention than changing outfits. 185 00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:12,034 Looks like we need to dress for success. 186 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,490 Eye of Thundara, give me suits beyond suits! 187 00:08:16,710 --> 00:08:19,120 Jerry, assistant clothing. MAKE-UP! 188 00:08:23,810 --> 00:08:25,370 What the hell was that? 189 00:08:25,390 --> 00:08:26,890 Reuseable "Sailor Moon" sequence. 190 00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:29,009 If we ever need to show you becoming my assistant again, 191 00:08:29,010 --> 00:08:30,770 we can repeat it and save lots of money. 192 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,400 Why does an operation bigger than the government 193 00:08:40,410 --> 00:08:43,050 want me to... couple with my mother? 194 00:08:57,210 --> 00:09:01,333 Whoa. Bezos? Bill Gates? Prime ministers? 195 00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:03,418 Weirdly, Billy Zane is also here. 196 00:09:03,420 --> 00:09:07,297 Hello. You're about to meet me, Jennith Padrow-Chunt. 197 00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:10,110 15 years ago, I was living in my parents' garage, 198 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:13,512 eating ramen out of a toilet when I discovered something. 199 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,370 Fate isn't fiction. 200 00:09:15,390 --> 00:09:18,220 Everything you want can be yours, if you ask for it. 201 00:09:18,230 --> 00:09:19,970 Just ask me. 202 00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:21,810 - Hello, me. - Hello, me. 203 00:09:21,820 --> 00:09:23,150 Look at Me's. 204 00:09:23,170 --> 00:09:25,274 Every suit I wear is virgin white. 205 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,100 I sleep on a bed of loose grains 206 00:09:27,110 --> 00:09:29,830 and begin every morning by dragging my perfect vagina 207 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,570 across Chinese silver grass. 208 00:09:31,580 --> 00:09:33,390 I'm firm and ripe. 209 00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:35,830 My mother's plane just landed. 210 00:09:35,850 --> 00:09:37,240 She took a photo at the airport 211 00:09:37,250 --> 00:09:39,746 in front of that Wolfgang Puck that smells like a kindergarten. 212 00:09:39,750 --> 00:09:40,909 Want to know the secret 213 00:09:40,910 --> 00:09:43,083 - to how I changed my future? - Yes. 214 00:09:43,090 --> 00:09:45,130 Well, once you're a level seven investor, 215 00:09:45,150 --> 00:09:46,795 you'll learn that and more. 216 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:49,250 Yeah, we're not getting the answers we want here. 217 00:09:49,260 --> 00:09:50,924 Let's go deeper. 218 00:09:55,230 --> 00:09:57,790 And now, thanks to your generous contributions, 219 00:09:57,810 --> 00:09:59,550 here are this year's cookies. 220 00:10:00,730 --> 00:10:03,790 "You will receive a 6.8% year-on-year increase." 221 00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:06,410 - Very nice. - "Your talents are appreciated... " 222 00:10:06,420 --> 00:10:09,030 "... when you become junior partner." 223 00:10:09,050 --> 00:10:12,240 Holy shit! I'm going to be on "Dancing with the Stars"! 224 00:10:12,250 --> 00:10:14,300 Please, I can get the money. I swear! 225 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,190 - Gak! - I'm afraid it's too late for that. 226 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:19,750 Oh, God, what does it say? 227 00:10:19,770 --> 00:10:21,480 "Your penis will be mangled 228 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:24,130 by a frozen-yogurt machine at the U.N."? 229 00:10:24,150 --> 00:10:25,410 I know that machine! 230 00:10:25,430 --> 00:10:27,170 This would sound impossible to a layman, 231 00:10:27,190 --> 00:10:28,962 but to me it rings inevitable! 232 00:10:28,970 --> 00:10:31,490 Holy shit. This is real. 233 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:34,110 - They're controlling fate for profit. - I'm glad you're happy. 234 00:10:34,130 --> 00:10:36,390 Now can we blow up the building or something? 235 00:10:36,410 --> 00:10:38,789 I don't think that's the best way to take away their power, Jerry. 236 00:10:38,790 --> 00:10:40,909 Let's take it in a way that ends with us having it. 237 00:10:40,910 --> 00:10:42,270 You mean you having it. 238 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,070 - I'll share it. - Then you fuck my mom. 239 00:10:44,090 --> 00:10:46,630 That's not how it works, and I already have. 240 00:10:46,650 --> 00:10:49,274 - What? - Jesus, Jerry, come on. 241 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,990 How unfortunate. 242 00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,446 Use the emergency fortunes! 243 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,115 Fighting fortunes. T-T-They're leveling up! 244 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,452 "You'll have great success in a fight." 245 00:11:01,630 --> 00:11:02,830 I'll be damned. 246 00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:06,124 Ha! 247 00:11:07,390 --> 00:11:08,910 Yah! 248 00:11:08,930 --> 00:11:10,128 Fuck! This both sucks 249 00:11:10,130 --> 00:11:11,660 and is really valuable data. 250 00:11:11,670 --> 00:11:13,570 - Ha! - Oh! 251 00:11:14,430 --> 00:11:17,409 Aah! Wha! Rick, what are you doing? 252 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,290 - Using you as a human shield. - You said it! 253 00:11:19,310 --> 00:11:21,370 You said the thing I thought you were doing. 254 00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:24,250 We've got intruders. 255 00:11:24,270 --> 00:11:27,690 And one of them... has an unresolved fortune. 256 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:30,880 We need that man's mother. 257 00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:32,760 Lot of mothers in the world, ma'am. 258 00:11:32,770 --> 00:11:35,050 But only one of them is Mrs... 259 00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:37,520 ugh, God damn it... Smith? 260 00:11:42,540 --> 00:11:45,372 So are we going to ignore that you tried to stop bullets 261 00:11:45,390 --> 00:11:46,540 using my body? 262 00:11:46,550 --> 00:11:47,789 You have an unresolved fortune. 263 00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:50,170 Until you have sex with your mom, you're basically immortal. 264 00:11:50,180 --> 00:11:52,240 Do you have any idea how amazing that is? 265 00:11:52,250 --> 00:11:53,830 You don't even care about me. 266 00:11:53,850 --> 00:11:56,248 You just want fortune cookie power. 267 00:11:56,250 --> 00:11:58,120 Okay, Jerry, how 'bout this? 268 00:11:58,130 --> 00:11:59,370 If it comes down to it, 269 00:11:59,390 --> 00:12:01,120 I promise I'll put a bullet in her head. 270 00:12:01,130 --> 00:12:02,730 - No! - Ah, you're right. 271 00:12:02,750 --> 00:12:04,479 The fortune didn't say she'd be alive, did it? 272 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,290 - I hate you! - Hate productive things. 273 00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:08,290 Hate crawling through a fucking air vent. 274 00:12:08,940 --> 00:12:11,410 Ah, those are those weird hex-headed screws. 275 00:12:11,430 --> 00:12:12,609 Do your screwdriver fingers... 276 00:12:12,610 --> 00:12:14,150 Aah! Aah! 277 00:12:31,340 --> 00:12:34,340 Well, at least we have no idea what's going on. 278 00:12:34,350 --> 00:12:37,360 That's a LOCKER-ean. I-It's a species that eats chaos. 279 00:12:37,370 --> 00:12:39,270 But it has its digestive disorder. 280 00:12:39,290 --> 00:12:41,360 Its stomach is stripping randomness from spacetime 281 00:12:41,370 --> 00:12:43,290 and leaving behind super-dense pockets of energy 282 00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:45,700 that bend entropy towards definable outcomes. 283 00:12:45,710 --> 00:12:47,210 I mean, th-that's how fate works. 284 00:12:47,230 --> 00:12:48,435 It's a field, like gravity, 285 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,190 but instead of pulling small toward big, 286 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,690 it pulls unknown toward known. 287 00:12:51,710 --> 00:12:53,570 Ah, so we do know what's going on. 288 00:12:53,580 --> 00:12:55,609 We know this... everyone that's had a fortune cookie 289 00:12:55,610 --> 00:12:57,910 in the last 20 years has eaten this thing's poop. 290 00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:59,830 Fortune cookies are alien poop. 291 00:13:01,090 --> 00:13:02,610 These fortunes are so basic. 292 00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:04,870 Why wouldn't you use this power to change the world? 293 00:13:04,890 --> 00:13:07,630 Or at least get Nintendo to make a portable VR headset? 294 00:13:07,650 --> 00:13:10,150 Ooh, this place ain't for creatin' the future, 295 00:13:10,170 --> 00:13:11,620 but controllin' it. 296 00:13:11,630 --> 00:13:14,460 Hi, I'm Old. Old M. Hucksbee. 297 00:13:14,470 --> 00:13:16,490 The "M" stands for "Man." 298 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,170 You're an arch little character. 299 00:13:18,190 --> 00:13:19,810 You're the reason fortune cookies suck? 300 00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:21,850 No, no, no, that's Jenneth Chunt's idea. 301 00:13:21,870 --> 00:13:24,300 You have to glut the marketplace with pointless fortunes 302 00:13:24,310 --> 00:13:26,130 to increase the value of real ones. 303 00:13:26,150 --> 00:13:28,230 Controlling destiny for a price... 304 00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:31,269 that's the Fortune 500's fortune. 305 00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:33,250 And you're trying to stop them? 306 00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:34,530 Just tryin' to get out. 307 00:13:34,550 --> 00:13:37,070 I want to be free with this here alien gal 308 00:13:37,090 --> 00:13:38,510 so we can get married. 309 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,270 Then we can have relations. 310 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,430 Can't do that before marriage, you know. 311 00:13:42,450 --> 00:13:43,689 I'm a Catholic. 312 00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:45,190 Uh, does the alien want that? 313 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,790 It's not exactly what I'd call a sentient species. 314 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:48,830 A man knows. 315 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,690 What does this have to do with me? 316 00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:52,630 You put this in my cookie. 317 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:55,710 Yep. Oh, I've been tryin' to get people's attention. 318 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,450 I'd make fortunes saying, "You're a-gonna break your leg 319 00:13:58,460 --> 00:14:00,670 unless you investigate this cookie company," 320 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,390 or, "Please come help me 321 00:14:02,410 --> 00:14:04,430 or a virus will shut down the world." 322 00:14:04,450 --> 00:14:06,430 Finally I just made a bunch that said, 323 00:14:06,450 --> 00:14:09,057 "You're gonna have sex with your own momma." 324 00:14:09,060 --> 00:14:11,309 How many? It... What happened to the others? 325 00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:13,160 I 'spose they fucked their moms. 326 00:14:13,180 --> 00:14:15,830 Now let's cut her chains and get the hell outta here. 327 00:14:17,870 --> 00:14:19,940 Well, shit on a spaghetti. 328 00:14:19,950 --> 00:14:21,403 Hello, Jerry Smith. 329 00:14:21,410 --> 00:14:24,406 Glad you could join us on Bring Your Mother to Work day. 330 00:14:24,410 --> 00:14:26,032 - Mom! - Hi, Jerry. 331 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:29,150 Your friends picked me up in a limousine. 332 00:14:29,170 --> 00:14:30,209 They said you won something, 333 00:14:30,210 --> 00:14:31,870 and I should be the one to give it to you. 334 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,416 - You sick fucks. - Are you guys enjoying this? 335 00:14:34,420 --> 00:14:37,390 I used to think I was just a regular white woman. 336 00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:40,130 Then I discovered I could control my destiny. 337 00:14:40,140 --> 00:14:41,530 All white women think that. 338 00:14:41,550 --> 00:14:43,670 The truth is, this alien crashed in your yard 339 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:44,968 and you ate its shit. 340 00:14:44,970 --> 00:14:46,678 How dare you! What's your name? 341 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,080 How dare you? 342 00:14:48,090 --> 00:14:49,514 We should've blown up the building. 343 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,210 Doesn't matter. All I was gonna say is, 344 00:14:51,230 --> 00:14:54,090 "Guess what, insert name? Time for you to eat shit." 345 00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:55,770 - But first... - Aah! 346 00:14:56,570 --> 00:14:57,790 Oh, no! 347 00:14:57,810 --> 00:14:59,110 - I'm so wet! - Ah! 348 00:14:59,130 --> 00:15:01,234 - No! - Jerry! Come back and block bullets. 349 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,653 Authorizing the use of prototype fortunes. 350 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,078 - Fuck! - You can't hide! 351 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,372 My fortune said, "Headshots only." 352 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:19,090 Harry! Greg! Lashawn! Dave C.! Dave M.! Noooo! 353 00:15:19,110 --> 00:15:20,754 You piece of shit, you killed my friends. 354 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,297 Oh! 355 00:15:23,130 --> 00:15:25,342 All right, what does the future hold? 356 00:15:27,990 --> 00:15:29,800 Aah! 357 00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:32,850 - Maybe I can Pokémon this shit. 358 00:15:32,870 --> 00:15:34,935 Blast him, or we're both gonna die. 359 00:15:34,940 --> 00:15:36,603 Oh, God! Oh, God! 360 00:15:36,610 --> 00:15:39,550 - Aaah! - Whoa! You control control water. 361 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,710 Like, the water inside a guy. That's a gross power. 362 00:15:47,630 --> 00:15:49,649 I'm gonna let you live because your fortune sucks. 363 00:15:49,650 --> 00:15:51,489 You can't kill me! I can't be killed! 364 00:15:51,490 --> 00:15:54,240 Trust me, that's not as good as it sounds. 365 00:15:54,250 --> 00:15:55,538 Aaaaaaah! 366 00:15:55,540 --> 00:15:57,207 Ah! Ah! Aah! 367 00:15:57,210 --> 00:15:59,430 Oh, it hurts! It burns! 368 00:15:59,450 --> 00:16:01,430 Fuck! Oh, my God! My ribs! 369 00:16:01,450 --> 00:16:03,922 I can feel my shattered ribs! 370 00:16:11,590 --> 00:16:14,010 Shit, these are useless. Where are the fighting fortunes? 371 00:16:14,020 --> 00:16:17,170 Ah, no-no-no-no-no! Those are blanks! 372 00:16:17,190 --> 00:16:20,470 Without fortunes, the effects are completely unpredictable! 373 00:16:20,490 --> 00:16:21,970 All right. 374 00:16:32,370 --> 00:16:34,577 I am the son of God! 375 00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:37,914 Ah! 376 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:40,810 Jerry! 377 00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:45,046 - Help me, Jerry! - Mom! Stay away! Just stay away! 378 00:16:45,050 --> 00:16:47,370 Come on and fuck already! 379 00:16:47,380 --> 00:16:49,470 Ma'am, is it possible we're being given a chance 380 00:16:49,490 --> 00:16:52,250 to take a step back and examine our behavior? 381 00:16:54,060 --> 00:16:56,090 You can't kill me, old man. 382 00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:58,590 I also have an unresolved fortune. 383 00:16:59,020 --> 00:17:01,760 "The most successful businesswoman on Earth?" 384 00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:04,774 You could do anything you wanted and you chose... work? 385 00:17:04,780 --> 00:17:07,957 Every day I get closer to an unattainable goal. 386 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,350 A one-woman lifestyle brand, forever! 387 00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:13,030 Well, I just used a dark web account 388 00:17:13,050 --> 00:17:15,090 to hack Goldman Sachs, remove trillions of dollars, 389 00:17:15,110 --> 00:17:17,010 and purchase everything your company offers. 390 00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:18,029 Congratulations! 391 00:17:18,030 --> 00:17:20,450 You're officially the most successful businesswoman on Earth. 392 00:17:20,460 --> 00:17:21,916 Fortune fulfilled. 393 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,249 And now I'm emptying your bank accounts 394 00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,929 and giving the money back to Goldman Sachs, 395 00:17:24,930 --> 00:17:27,130 because I sit dead-center on the alignment chart. 396 00:17:27,910 --> 00:17:30,110 You son of a bitch! 397 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,910 How does it feel to achieve your dreams? 398 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,011 Empty, right? 399 00:17:33,020 --> 00:17:34,580 Like when DiCaprio won the Oscar. 400 00:17:34,590 --> 00:17:36,050 You could see it in his face. 401 00:17:36,060 --> 00:17:40,010 I still have one more dream... 402 00:17:40,030 --> 00:17:45,148 watching you die, Rick Sanchez! 403 00:17:45,150 --> 00:17:46,983 Ha! You knew my name! 404 00:17:56,790 --> 00:17:58,578 She's free! Run! 405 00:17:58,580 --> 00:18:00,710 Run, my beauty! 406 00:18:06,220 --> 00:18:08,590 Well, butterfly on a corncob. 407 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,590 I see that I've romanticized a wild animal 408 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,210 the same way Margaret Howe did 409 00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:14,790 when she jerked off that dolphin 410 00:18:14,810 --> 00:18:16,470 in the 19-and-60s. 411 00:18:16,490 --> 00:18:19,540 Both she and I assaulted a captive creature 412 00:18:19,550 --> 00:18:21,870 and expected it to be reciprocal. 413 00:18:21,890 --> 00:18:23,603 Welp, joopityboot. 414 00:18:23,610 --> 00:18:25,170 Time to die. 415 00:18:27,150 --> 00:18:29,484 Ah! 416 00:18:29,490 --> 00:18:32,390 Follow me, my queen! 417 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,492 That's all the bad guys down. We almost got this, Jer. 418 00:18:39,260 --> 00:18:40,390 Ah! 419 00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:44,624 No! 420 00:18:45,550 --> 00:18:47,190 Oh, sticks-to-walls guy, 421 00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,070 I-I-I guess we were both wrong. 422 00:18:50,510 --> 00:18:51,850 Oh, God. 423 00:18:55,390 --> 00:18:57,050 Oh! Ah! 424 00:18:57,060 --> 00:18:58,530 Ah! Oh! 425 00:18:58,550 --> 00:19:01,610 Aaaah! Rick! Please! 426 00:19:01,630 --> 00:19:03,090 Jerry, I've got the creature. 427 00:19:03,110 --> 00:19:05,937 - I knew it. I knew it. - God damn it! 428 00:19:07,570 --> 00:19:10,399 Aaaaaaaah! 429 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:13,361 Oh, God! 430 00:19:13,910 --> 00:19:15,822 Aaaaah! 431 00:19:15,830 --> 00:19:16,906 God damn it. 432 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,270 Ah. Holy shit, that was close. 433 00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:27,410 Close to what? 434 00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:30,850 Close to everyone but your son getting anything they want forever. 435 00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:31,970 You saved me. 436 00:19:31,980 --> 00:19:34,170 I will never stop holding this over you, 437 00:19:34,190 --> 00:19:35,970 as if that buys me anything. 438 00:19:35,990 --> 00:19:38,470 - We should get you some clothes, son. - Oh, oh! 439 00:19:43,070 --> 00:19:44,970 I can just feel the savings. 440 00:19:46,430 --> 00:19:48,170 Hey, wait, uh... 441 00:19:48,180 --> 00:19:50,770 Got this at the crazy place we just were. 442 00:19:50,780 --> 00:19:53,549 It may look like someone stuck a hand-written fortune 443 00:19:53,550 --> 00:19:55,199 in there last second, but I'm pretty sure 444 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:56,710 that's just the way it came. 445 00:19:56,730 --> 00:19:58,281 Besides, these don't mean anything. 446 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,450 - Jerry, while I appreciate the sentiment, 447 00:20:02,470 --> 00:20:05,140 this is a huge waste of the last real fortune. 448 00:20:05,150 --> 00:20:06,990 Oh. I'm sorry. I just... 449 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,510 It's cool, it's cool. 450 00:20:08,530 --> 00:20:10,430 - Thanks, friend. - Friend? 451 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:11,649 - Did you just say friend? - What? 452 00:20:11,650 --> 00:20:13,270 - W-W-What did I do? - You fucking idiot! 453 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,799 I'm not your friend! Why did you think I was your friend? 454 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,210 Look at this you piece of shit. 455 00:20:17,230 --> 00:20:19,290 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, so? - I was immortal! 456 00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:20,870 I was immortal for that whole fight. 457 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:22,870 All I had to do was never make a new friend. 458 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,490 - Jesus fucking Christ, Jerry. - I'm sorry! We're not friends! 459 00:20:25,510 --> 00:20:26,750 Yeah, too late, bonehead. 460 00:20:26,770 --> 00:20:28,810 It doesn't say "new permanent friend." 461 00:20:28,830 --> 00:20:31,670 All friendships end, especially new ones. 462 00:20:31,690 --> 00:20:35,210 Well, maybe that's a fate the two of us still control. 463 00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:42,690 I'm... I'm sorry I did that. 464 00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:43,870 It's fine. 465 00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:58,591 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - — www.addic7ed.com — 466 00:21:24,750 --> 00:21:27,650 The zoo. Animals. Balloons. Moats. Cages. 467 00:21:27,660 --> 00:21:29,270 A fun time for the whole family. 468 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,249 But you don't care about that. You're a zebra. 469 00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:33,640 You're here for the unparalleled dining experience 470 00:21:33,650 --> 00:21:35,709 of hand-fed zebra food. Delicious. 471 00:21:35,710 --> 00:21:37,560 He... Hey, wait. Don't eat... 472 00:21:37,570 --> 00:21:39,090 Th... That's for the zebras. 473 00:21:39,110 --> 00:21:40,730 It's making you sick! What are you doing? 474 00:21:40,750 --> 00:21:42,479 Jesus, why have they left all the zebra-feeding 475 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:43,739 to the people who come to the zoo? 476 00:21:43,740 --> 00:21:45,620 Is that the only way the zebras can get food? 477 00:21:45,630 --> 00:21:47,550 They're so hungry. What the fuck is happening? 478 00:21:47,570 --> 00:21:49,020 We're out of zebra food. Okay? 479 00:21:49,030 --> 00:21:50,910 There's no food left. Don't come to the zoo. 480 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:52,910 This was supposed to be a commercial for zebras, 481 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,050 targeted to zebras. 482 00:21:54,060 --> 00:21:55,950 The premise itself was questionable, but this... 483 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,150 this is a nightmare! 484 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,010 Don't go to the zoo. Stay away from the zoo. 485 00:21:59,020 --> 00:22:00,529 Oh, God, what are you doing in the booth? 486 00:22:00,530 --> 00:22:02,090 Get out! Get out, you're mad with... 487 00:22:03,630 --> 00:22:06,950 Ow. Eat it. Eat zebra food. 488 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,860 Okay, um. I guess I can't blame Dad for being confused 489 00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:11,390 about what to do with the zebra food. 490 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:14,810 Also, I have no idea why they're running this ad, like, on a loop? 491 00:22:14,830 --> 00:22:15,910 There were murders in it, 492 00:22:15,930 --> 00:22:17,459 and it was specifically telling you to do 493 00:22:17,460 --> 00:22:18,799 the thing it didn't want you to do 494 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,530 until the very end, when it reversed. 495 00:22:20,540 --> 00:22:22,640 Why would they sell the zebra food in the gift shop, 496 00:22:22,650 --> 00:22:25,280 unless... I mean, do the zebras shop in here? 497 00:22:25,290 --> 00:22:26,910 Are we the ones in the zoo? 498 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,090 Oh, is that the twist? 499 00:22:28,110 --> 00:22:30,016 Okay, we're... it's a human zoo. Got it.