1 00:00:02,652 --> 00:00:04,087 Do you know what this is all about? Why we're here? 2 00:00:04,154 --> 00:00:06,322 To be out. This is out. 3 00:00:06,389 --> 00:00:08,257 And out is one of the single most 4 00:00:08,324 --> 00:00:10,359 enjoyable experiences of life. 5 00:00:10,426 --> 00:00:12,528 Do you know how people talk about "We should go out"? 6 00:00:12,595 --> 00:00:13,863 This is what they're talking about. 7 00:00:13,929 --> 00:00:15,498 This whole thing. 8 00:00:15,565 --> 00:00:18,000 We're all out now. No one is home. 9 00:00:18,067 --> 00:00:21,236 Not one person here is home. We're all out. There are people 10 00:00:21,303 --> 00:00:23,405 trying to find us. They don't know where we are. 11 00:00:24,874 --> 00:00:26,742 "Did you re—? I can't find him. Where did he go? 12 00:00:26,809 --> 00:00:28,478 "He didn't tell me where he was going. 13 00:00:28,544 --> 00:00:29,645 He must have gone out." 14 00:00:31,347 --> 00:00:33,016 You wanna go out. You get ready, you pick out 15 00:00:33,082 --> 00:00:34,316 the clothes, right? 16 00:00:34,383 --> 00:00:35,985 You take the shower, get all ready, 17 00:00:36,051 --> 00:00:37,419 get the cash, get your friends, 18 00:00:37,486 --> 00:00:39,522 the car, the spot, the reservation. 19 00:00:39,589 --> 00:00:41,624 Then you stand around. What do you do? You go, 20 00:00:41,691 --> 00:00:43,425 "We gotta be getting back." 21 00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:47,096 Once you're out, you wanna get back. 22 00:00:47,163 --> 00:00:48,931 You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, 23 00:00:48,998 --> 00:00:50,433 you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? 24 00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,001 Wherever you are in life, 25 00:00:52,068 --> 00:00:54,104 it's my feeling, you've gotta go. 26 00:01:01,043 --> 00:01:03,780 See that? To me, that button's in the worst possible spot. 27 00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:06,916 The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt. 28 00:01:06,983 --> 00:01:08,985 Look at it. It's too high. 29 00:01:09,051 --> 00:01:10,120 It's in no man's land. 30 00:01:10,186 --> 00:01:11,821 You look like you live with your mother. 31 00:01:11,888 --> 00:01:13,322 Are you through? 32 00:01:13,389 --> 00:01:15,391 You do, of course, try on when you buy. 33 00:01:15,457 --> 00:01:17,393 Yes, it was purple. I liked it. 34 00:01:17,460 --> 00:01:19,595 I don't actually recall considering the buttons. 35 00:01:19,662 --> 00:01:21,530 Oh, you don't recall. 36 00:01:21,597 --> 00:01:24,433 Er, n-no, not at this time. 37 00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:25,868 Well, senator, I'd just like to know 38 00:01:25,935 --> 00:01:27,537 what you knew and when you knew it. 39 00:01:27,603 --> 00:01:29,005 Mr. Seinfeld, 40 00:01:29,071 --> 00:01:30,173 Mr. Costanza. 41 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,541 Are you sure this is decaf? 42 00:01:31,607 --> 00:01:33,176 Where's the orange indicator? 43 00:01:33,242 --> 00:01:34,276 It's missing. 44 00:01:34,343 --> 00:01:36,178 I have to do it in my head. 45 00:01:36,245 --> 00:01:37,513 Decaf left, 46 00:01:37,579 --> 00:01:38,580 regular right. 47 00:01:38,647 --> 00:01:39,682 Decaf left, 48 00:01:39,748 --> 00:01:41,183 regular right. 49 00:01:41,250 --> 00:01:43,186 It's very challenging work. 50 00:01:45,621 --> 00:01:47,523 Can you relax? It's a cup of coffee. 51 00:01:47,590 --> 00:01:49,258 Claire's a professional waitress. 52 00:01:49,325 --> 00:01:50,826 Trust me, George. 53 00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,829 No one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. 54 00:01:55,664 --> 00:01:57,667 How come you're not doing the second show tomorrow? 55 00:01:57,733 --> 00:02:01,270 Well, there's this, uh, woman who might be coming in. 56 00:02:01,337 --> 00:02:02,838 Wait a second. Wait a second. 57 00:02:02,905 --> 00:02:04,573 What coming in? What woman is coming in? 58 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:07,143 I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan. 59 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:08,378 No, you didn't. 60 00:02:08,444 --> 00:02:09,779 I thought I told you about her. 61 00:02:09,845 --> 00:02:11,414 Yeah. She teaches political science, 62 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,683 I met her the night I did the show in Lansing. 63 00:02:13,750 --> 00:02:15,017 Huh. 64 00:02:15,083 --> 00:02:16,819 - There's no milk in here. - Wait, wait, wait. 65 00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:18,921 - Why's there no milk? - What is she—? What is she like? 66 00:02:18,988 --> 00:02:20,322 Oh, she's really great. 67 00:02:20,389 --> 00:02:22,058 She's got, like, a real warmth about her. 68 00:02:22,125 --> 00:02:24,927 And she's really bright and really pretty and... 69 00:02:24,994 --> 00:02:27,796 And the conversation, though, I mean, it was... 70 00:02:27,863 --> 00:02:29,966 You know, talking with her, it was like talking with you, 71 00:02:30,033 --> 00:02:32,968 but, you know, obviously much better. 72 00:02:33,035 --> 00:02:35,237 So, you know, wh-what happened? 73 00:02:35,304 --> 00:02:36,339 Well, nothing happened, you know. 74 00:02:36,405 --> 00:02:37,673 But it was great. 75 00:02:37,739 --> 00:02:38,808 Oh, nothing happened, but it was... 76 00:02:38,874 --> 00:02:39,875 This is great! 77 00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:41,477 - Yeah. Yeah. - So, you know she called 78 00:02:41,543 --> 00:02:43,512 and said she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? 79 00:02:43,579 --> 00:02:44,880 God bless. 80 00:02:44,947 --> 00:02:46,349 You devil, you. 81 00:02:46,415 --> 00:02:48,317 Yeah. Well, not exactly. 82 00:02:48,384 --> 00:02:49,618 I mean, she said— 83 00:02:49,685 --> 00:02:50,953 You know, she called this morning and said 84 00:02:51,020 --> 00:02:52,621 she had to come in for a seminar, 85 00:02:52,688 --> 00:02:53,956 and maybe we'd get together. 86 00:02:54,023 --> 00:02:55,023 So, you know... 87 00:02:55,090 --> 00:02:56,125 Oh, oh, oh. 88 00:02:56,192 --> 00:02:57,360 "Had to"? Y-yeah. 89 00:02:57,426 --> 00:02:59,295 - "Had to come in"? - Yeah, but— 90 00:02:59,361 --> 00:03:00,763 - "Had to come in"? - Yeah, but— 91 00:03:00,829 --> 00:03:02,531 "And maybe we'll get together"? 92 00:03:02,598 --> 00:03:04,100 "Had to" and "maybe"? 93 00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:05,234 Yeah. No, 94 00:03:05,301 --> 00:03:06,435 no. 95 00:03:06,502 --> 00:03:07,737 No, I hate to tell you this. 96 00:03:07,804 --> 00:03:09,238 You're not gonna see this woman. 97 00:03:09,304 --> 00:03:11,240 What? Are you serious? Why—? Why did she call? 98 00:03:11,307 --> 00:03:13,709 What do I know? Maybe, you know, she wanted to be polite. 99 00:03:13,776 --> 00:03:15,912 To be polite? 100 00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:17,580 - You are insane. - All right. All right. 101 00:03:17,646 --> 00:03:19,047 I didn't want to tell you this. 102 00:03:19,114 --> 00:03:20,249 - Wanna know why she called? - Yes. 103 00:03:20,316 --> 00:03:22,117 You're a backup. 104 00:03:22,184 --> 00:03:23,852 You're a second line, 105 00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:25,454 a "just in case," 106 00:03:25,521 --> 00:03:26,589 a B plan, 107 00:03:26,655 --> 00:03:28,758 a contingency. 108 00:03:28,825 --> 00:03:32,061 Oh, I get it. This is about the button. 109 00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:34,597 Claire. Claire, you're a woman, right? 110 00:03:34,664 --> 00:03:37,199 What gave it away, George? 111 00:03:37,266 --> 00:03:38,734 I'd like to ask you— 112 00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,102 Ask you to analyze 113 00:03:40,169 --> 00:03:41,470 a hypothetical phone call, 114 00:03:41,537 --> 00:03:42,772 you know, from a female point of view. 115 00:03:42,838 --> 00:03:44,040 Oh, come on, now. 116 00:03:44,106 --> 00:03:45,141 What are you asking her? 117 00:03:45,208 --> 00:03:46,675 Now, how's she gonna know? 118 00:03:46,742 --> 00:03:47,976 Please. Now, 119 00:03:48,043 --> 00:03:49,612 - a woman calls me, right? - Mm-hmm. 120 00:03:49,679 --> 00:03:51,681 She says she has to... 121 00:03:51,747 --> 00:03:52,915 No. 122 00:03:52,981 --> 00:03:54,216 come to New York on business— 123 00:03:54,283 --> 00:03:55,717 - You are beautiful. - And— 124 00:03:55,784 --> 00:03:57,119 And maybe... 125 00:03:57,186 --> 00:03:58,821 she'll see me when she gets in. 126 00:03:58,888 --> 00:04:01,023 Does this woman intend to spend time with me? 127 00:04:01,090 --> 00:04:03,760 I'd have to say, uh... no. 128 00:04:07,530 --> 00:04:08,997 So why did she call? 129 00:04:09,064 --> 00:04:12,001 - Be polite. - To be polite. I rest my case. 130 00:04:12,068 --> 00:04:13,502 Good, good. Did you have fun? 131 00:04:13,569 --> 00:04:15,337 You have no idea what you're talking about. 132 00:04:15,404 --> 00:04:18,307 Now, come with me. I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer. 133 00:04:18,373 --> 00:04:19,675 I'm not gonna watch you do laundry. 134 00:04:19,742 --> 00:04:22,244 Oh, come on. Be a "come-with" guy. 135 00:04:22,311 --> 00:04:23,512 Come on. I'm tired. 136 00:04:23,579 --> 00:04:25,982 Don't worry. I gave him a little caffeine. 137 00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:27,249 He'll perk up. 138 00:04:27,316 --> 00:04:28,484 Right. I knew I felt something. 139 00:04:28,551 --> 00:04:29,652 I can't— 140 00:04:30,219 --> 00:04:31,254 Boom. 141 00:04:33,622 --> 00:04:34,890 Jerry... 142 00:04:34,957 --> 00:04:38,227 I have to tell you something. 143 00:04:38,294 --> 00:04:41,631 This is the dullest moment I've ever experienced. 144 00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:47,970 Oh, look at this guy. 145 00:04:48,036 --> 00:04:49,438 Look at— He's got everything. 146 00:04:49,505 --> 00:04:52,207 He's got detergents, sprays, fabric softener. 147 00:04:52,274 --> 00:04:54,977 This is not his first load. 148 00:04:55,711 --> 00:04:57,012 I need a break, Jerry. 149 00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:58,614 You know, I gotta get out of the city. 150 00:04:58,681 --> 00:04:59,949 I feel so cramped— 151 00:05:00,015 --> 00:05:02,285 And you didn't hear how she sounded. 152 00:05:02,351 --> 00:05:04,219 - What? - Laura. 153 00:05:04,286 --> 00:05:07,956 I can't believe— We already discussed this. 154 00:05:08,023 --> 00:05:09,491 Yeah, but how could you be so sure? 155 00:05:09,558 --> 00:05:10,792 Because it's 156 00:05:10,859 --> 00:05:11,927 signals, Jerry. 157 00:05:11,994 --> 00:05:14,063 It's signals. Don't you—? 158 00:05:16,031 --> 00:05:18,034 All right. Did she even ask you 159 00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:19,569 what you were doing tomorrow night, 160 00:05:19,635 --> 00:05:21,270 if you were busy? No. 161 00:05:21,337 --> 00:05:22,638 She calls you today, 162 00:05:22,705 --> 00:05:24,339 she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? 163 00:05:24,406 --> 00:05:25,841 What is that? It's Saturday night. 164 00:05:25,908 --> 00:05:29,211 - Yeah. - What is that? It's ridiculous. 165 00:05:29,278 --> 00:05:31,347 You don't even know what hotel she's staying at. 166 00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:32,581 You can't call her. 167 00:05:32,648 --> 00:05:33,849 That's a signal, Jerry. 168 00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:34,983 That's a signal. 169 00:05:35,050 --> 00:05:36,586 Signal. 170 00:05:39,087 --> 00:05:40,155 Maybe you're right. 171 00:05:40,222 --> 00:05:41,223 Maybe I'm right? 172 00:05:41,290 --> 00:05:42,325 Of course I'm right. 173 00:05:42,391 --> 00:05:44,059 Mm-hmm. 174 00:05:44,126 --> 00:05:45,361 This is insane. 175 00:05:45,427 --> 00:05:47,797 You know, I don't even know where she's staying. 176 00:05:47,863 --> 00:05:49,164 She's— She's not gonna call me. 177 00:05:49,231 --> 00:05:50,299 It's unbelievable. 178 00:05:50,366 --> 00:05:53,102 I know, I know. It's tough. 179 00:05:53,168 --> 00:05:55,304 Listen, your stuff has to be done by now. 180 00:05:55,371 --> 00:05:57,206 Why don't you just see if it's dry? Just— 181 00:05:57,273 --> 00:06:00,443 No, no, no. Don't interrupt the cycle. 182 00:06:00,509 --> 00:06:01,810 The machine is working. 183 00:06:01,877 --> 00:06:03,913 It knows what it's doing. Just let it finish. 184 00:06:03,979 --> 00:06:05,481 You're gonna overdry it. 185 00:06:05,548 --> 00:06:06,816 You can't overdry. 186 00:06:06,882 --> 00:06:07,984 Why not? 187 00:06:08,050 --> 00:06:10,218 Same reason you can't overwet. 188 00:06:10,285 --> 00:06:13,789 You see, once something is wet, it's wet. 189 00:06:13,855 --> 00:06:15,124 Same thing with death. 190 00:06:15,191 --> 00:06:17,593 Like, once you die, you're dead. Right? 191 00:06:17,660 --> 00:06:20,129 Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you. 192 00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:22,665 You not gonna die again. You're already dead. 193 00:06:22,732 --> 00:06:25,768 You can't "overdie," you can't overdry. 194 00:06:28,236 --> 00:06:30,440 Any questions? 195 00:06:34,343 --> 00:06:37,513 How could she not tell me where she was staying? 196 00:06:42,284 --> 00:06:44,019 Look at that. They're done. 197 00:06:44,086 --> 00:06:45,488 Look at that. Dry! 198 00:06:47,022 --> 00:06:50,258 Laundry day is the only exciting day 199 00:06:50,325 --> 00:06:51,827 in the life of clothes. 200 00:06:51,894 --> 00:06:53,362 It is. No, think about it. 201 00:06:53,429 --> 00:06:57,199 The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. 202 00:06:57,265 --> 00:06:59,568 You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, 203 00:06:59,635 --> 00:07:01,971 they're all kind of dancing around in there. 204 00:07:02,038 --> 00:07:04,940 A shirt grabs the underwear. "Come on, babe. Let's go." 205 00:07:06,508 --> 00:07:08,777 You come by, you open up the lid, and they all: 206 00:07:11,613 --> 00:07:14,082 Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. 207 00:07:14,149 --> 00:07:15,651 They hate their lives. 208 00:07:15,718 --> 00:07:18,387 They're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. 209 00:07:18,454 --> 00:07:22,791 The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. 210 00:07:22,858 --> 00:07:24,159 They do escape from the dryer. 211 00:07:24,226 --> 00:07:26,061 They plan it in the hamper the night before. 212 00:07:26,128 --> 00:07:27,629 "Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm going." 213 00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:32,468 "You wait here." 214 00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:33,836 The dryer door swings open, 215 00:07:33,903 --> 00:07:36,972 the sock is waiting up against the side wall. 216 00:07:39,475 --> 00:07:41,777 He hopes you don't see him, then he goes down the road. 217 00:07:43,745 --> 00:07:45,047 They get buttons sewn on their face, 218 00:07:45,113 --> 00:07:46,281 join a puppet show. 219 00:07:48,584 --> 00:07:50,452 So they're showing me on television 220 00:07:50,519 --> 00:07:53,889 the detergents are getting out bloodstains. 221 00:07:53,956 --> 00:07:57,226 Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? 222 00:07:57,293 --> 00:07:58,627 I mean, come on. 223 00:07:58,694 --> 00:08:00,228 You got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, 224 00:08:00,295 --> 00:08:03,231 maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. 225 00:08:05,367 --> 00:08:08,203 You ought to get the harpoon out of your chest first. 226 00:08:32,361 --> 00:08:33,662 If you know what happened in the Met game, 227 00:08:33,729 --> 00:08:35,498 don't say anything, I taped it. Hello. 228 00:08:37,199 --> 00:08:38,200 Yeah. No, I'm sorry. 229 00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:40,335 You have the wrong number. 230 00:08:40,402 --> 00:08:41,803 Yeah. No— 231 00:08:43,104 --> 00:08:44,339 - Yeah. - You up? 232 00:08:44,406 --> 00:08:46,175 Yeah. Yeah. 233 00:08:46,242 --> 00:08:47,910 People do move. 234 00:08:47,977 --> 00:08:49,444 Have you ever seen the big trucks 235 00:08:49,511 --> 00:08:51,713 out on the street? 236 00:08:51,780 --> 00:08:53,015 Yeah, no problem. 237 00:08:53,082 --> 00:08:54,917 Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh? 238 00:08:54,983 --> 00:08:57,519 Oh, what are you doing? 239 00:08:57,586 --> 00:09:00,756 Kessler, it's a tape. I taped the game. 240 00:09:00,823 --> 00:09:03,258 It's 1:00 in the morning. 241 00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:06,929 I avoided human contact all night to watch this. 242 00:09:06,996 --> 00:09:08,296 Hey, I'm sorry. I... 243 00:09:08,363 --> 00:09:10,533 You know, I-I thought you knew. I... 244 00:09:12,601 --> 00:09:14,136 You got any meat? 245 00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:17,139 Meat? 246 00:09:18,107 --> 00:09:19,141 I-I don't know. 247 00:09:19,208 --> 00:09:21,077 Go... hunt. 248 00:09:26,949 --> 00:09:29,818 Well, what happened in the game, anyway? 249 00:09:29,884 --> 00:09:31,219 What happened? 250 00:09:31,286 --> 00:09:33,589 Well, they stunk! That's what happened. 251 00:09:38,593 --> 00:09:41,330 You know I almost wound up going to that game? 252 00:09:41,397 --> 00:09:42,898 Yeah, you almost went to the game. 253 00:09:42,965 --> 00:09:45,767 You haven't been out of the building in 10 years. 254 00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:47,470 Yeah. 255 00:09:57,712 --> 00:09:58,914 Well...? 256 00:10:07,022 --> 00:10:08,424 You...? I... 257 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,034 Oh. 258 00:10:21,837 --> 00:10:23,138 You done with this? 259 00:10:23,205 --> 00:10:24,540 No. 260 00:10:35,651 --> 00:10:37,886 - When you're done, let me know. - Yeah, yeah. 261 00:10:37,953 --> 00:10:40,723 You can have it tomorrow. 262 00:10:40,789 --> 00:10:44,626 I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend. 263 00:10:44,693 --> 00:10:47,630 No, it's okay now. That girl's not coming. 264 00:10:47,696 --> 00:10:49,798 I— I misread the whole thing. 265 00:10:49,865 --> 00:10:51,366 Hmm. 266 00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:53,202 You want me to talk to her? 267 00:10:56,271 --> 00:10:58,240 I don't think so. 268 00:10:58,307 --> 00:11:01,110 No, I can be very persuasive. 269 00:11:01,176 --> 00:11:04,680 You know that I was almost a lawyer? 270 00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:06,515 That close, huh? 271 00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:08,784 You better believe it. 272 00:11:12,688 --> 00:11:14,056 Hello. 273 00:11:14,122 --> 00:11:15,557 Oh, hi, Laura. 274 00:11:15,624 --> 00:11:17,092 Oh, give me it. Let me talk. 275 00:11:17,158 --> 00:11:18,593 No. What's up? 276 00:11:18,660 --> 00:11:20,162 - Well, let me talk to her. - Believe me, 277 00:11:20,229 --> 00:11:21,864 I'm always up at this hour. 278 00:11:21,930 --> 00:11:24,600 How are you? Great. 279 00:11:25,634 --> 00:11:27,103 Sure. 280 00:11:27,169 --> 00:11:29,171 What time does the plane get in? 281 00:11:29,237 --> 00:11:31,006 I'll get my friend George to take me. 282 00:11:31,073 --> 00:11:32,541 Now slide! 283 00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:35,377 Out. Do you believe that? 284 00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:37,479 No, it's just my neighbor. 285 00:11:37,546 --> 00:11:39,080 Um... 286 00:11:39,147 --> 00:11:40,983 Yeah, I got it. 10:15. 287 00:11:41,050 --> 00:11:43,753 No, don't be silly. Go ahead and ask. 288 00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:46,989 Yeah, sure. 289 00:11:47,689 --> 00:11:48,891 Okay, great. 290 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:51,126 No, no. It's no trouble at all. 291 00:11:51,192 --> 00:11:53,461 I'll see you tomorrow. 292 00:11:53,528 --> 00:11:55,264 Great. Bye. 293 00:11:55,331 --> 00:11:57,332 I don't believe it. 294 00:11:57,399 --> 00:12:00,803 That— That was her. She wants to stay here. 295 00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:13,014 If my father was moving this, 296 00:12:13,081 --> 00:12:15,384 he'd have to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. 297 00:12:15,451 --> 00:12:16,685 "Have you got your end?" 298 00:12:16,752 --> 00:12:18,086 "Your end's got to come down first. 299 00:12:18,153 --> 00:12:19,521 "Easy, now. Drop it down. 300 00:12:19,588 --> 00:12:21,890 Drop it down. Your end's gotta come down." 301 00:12:21,957 --> 00:12:24,693 You know, I can't believe you're bringing in an extra bed 302 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:26,761 for a woman that wants to sleep with you. 303 00:12:26,828 --> 00:12:29,532 Why don't you bring in an extra guy too? 304 00:12:30,999 --> 00:12:32,768 Look, it's a very awkward situation. 305 00:12:32,834 --> 00:12:34,136 I don't wanna be presumptuous. 306 00:12:34,202 --> 00:12:35,604 All right. All right. One more time. 307 00:12:35,670 --> 00:12:36,839 One more time. 308 00:12:36,906 --> 00:12:41,309 What was the exact phrasing of the request? 309 00:12:41,376 --> 00:12:44,513 All right. She said she couldn't find a decent hotel room. 310 00:12:44,580 --> 00:12:45,880 A decent hotel room. 311 00:12:45,947 --> 00:12:47,049 Yeah, a decent hotel room. 312 00:12:47,116 --> 00:12:48,850 Would it be terribly inconvenient 313 00:12:48,917 --> 00:12:51,052 if she stayed at my place? 314 00:12:51,119 --> 00:12:52,854 You can't be serious. 315 00:12:52,921 --> 00:12:54,322 This is New York City. 316 00:12:54,389 --> 00:12:57,659 There must be 11 million decent hotel rooms. 317 00:12:57,726 --> 00:12:58,794 What do you need, a—? 318 00:12:58,860 --> 00:12:59,962 A flag? 319 00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:01,463 This is the signal, Jerry. 320 00:13:01,530 --> 00:13:03,966 This is the signal. 321 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,668 This is the signal. Thank you, Mr. Signal. 322 00:13:05,734 --> 00:13:07,202 Where were you yesterday? 323 00:13:07,269 --> 00:13:09,571 I think I was affected by the caffeine. 324 00:13:09,637 --> 00:13:10,972 Ho, ho. 325 00:13:11,039 --> 00:13:14,076 All right. Good dog. Good dog. All right. 326 00:13:14,143 --> 00:13:15,778 Hey, he really likes you, George. 327 00:13:15,844 --> 00:13:17,913 Well, that's flattering. 328 00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:21,851 Ah, he's getting a drink of water. 329 00:13:25,687 --> 00:13:27,422 Is this for that girl? 330 00:13:27,489 --> 00:13:28,623 Yeah. 331 00:13:28,690 --> 00:13:30,359 Why even give her an option? 332 00:13:30,425 --> 00:13:32,194 This is a person I like. 333 00:13:32,260 --> 00:13:34,829 It's not how to score on spring break. 334 00:13:34,896 --> 00:13:36,599 All right. Can we go? I'm double-parked. 335 00:13:36,665 --> 00:13:37,700 I'm gonna get a ticket. 336 00:13:37,766 --> 00:13:39,435 Yeah, okay. Oh, wait a second. 337 00:13:39,501 --> 00:13:40,936 I— I forgot to clean the bathroom. 338 00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:42,304 So what? That's good. 339 00:13:42,371 --> 00:13:43,472 Now how could that be good? 340 00:13:43,538 --> 00:13:45,341 Because filth is good. 341 00:13:45,407 --> 00:13:48,042 What do you think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia 342 00:13:48,109 --> 00:13:49,611 lying around the bathroom? 343 00:13:49,678 --> 00:13:52,280 You think they have a woman coming over, "I gotta tidy up"? 344 00:13:52,347 --> 00:13:54,750 In these matters, you never do what your instincts tell you. 345 00:13:54,816 --> 00:13:56,885 Always, always do the opposite. 346 00:13:56,951 --> 00:13:58,152 This is how you operate? 347 00:13:58,219 --> 00:14:00,088 Psh. Yeah, I wish. 348 00:14:00,155 --> 00:14:01,623 Let me just wipe the sink. It'll— 349 00:14:01,690 --> 00:14:05,527 - Why even give her an option for? - Just give me a second. 350 00:14:05,594 --> 00:14:07,930 - It's unbelievable. - Yeah. 351 00:14:11,533 --> 00:14:14,370 How's the real estate business? 352 00:14:16,104 --> 00:14:17,338 It's, uh, not bad. 353 00:14:17,405 --> 00:14:20,475 It's coming along. 354 00:14:20,542 --> 00:14:23,278 Why, did you need something? 355 00:14:23,345 --> 00:14:24,913 You handle any of that commercial 356 00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:29,284 whhhhhh... real estate, that... sshhhooo? 357 00:14:29,351 --> 00:14:31,353 Well, I might be getting into that. 358 00:14:31,419 --> 00:14:32,721 You keep me posted. 359 00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:35,324 I'm aware of you. All right, let's go. 360 00:14:35,390 --> 00:14:36,558 Let's go. Oh! 361 00:14:36,624 --> 00:14:38,060 You're on-stage in 25 minutes. 362 00:14:39,894 --> 00:14:43,065 The dating world is not a fun world. 363 00:14:44,399 --> 00:14:45,834 It's a pressure world. 364 00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:48,404 It's a world of tension, it's a world of pain. 365 00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:50,338 And if a woman comes over to my house, 366 00:14:50,405 --> 00:14:52,340 I gotta get that bathroom ready because she needs things. 367 00:14:52,407 --> 00:14:54,142 Women need equipment. I don't know what they need. 368 00:14:54,209 --> 00:14:55,978 I know I don't have it, I know that. 369 00:14:56,044 --> 00:14:57,378 You— You know what they need? 370 00:14:57,445 --> 00:14:59,114 Women seem to need a lot of cotton balls. 371 00:14:59,181 --> 00:15:02,751 This is one— Always been one of the most amazing things to me. 372 00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:05,353 I have no cotton balls. We're all human beings. 373 00:15:05,420 --> 00:15:06,488 What is the story? 374 00:15:06,555 --> 00:15:07,823 I've never had one, 375 00:15:07,890 --> 00:15:08,991 I never bought one, 376 00:15:09,058 --> 00:15:10,491 I never needed one. 377 00:15:10,558 --> 00:15:13,028 I've never been in a situation where I thought to myself, 378 00:15:13,095 --> 00:15:14,796 "I could use a cotton ball right now." 379 00:15:16,264 --> 00:15:18,933 "I could certainly get out of this mess." 380 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,103 Women need them. And they don't need one or two. 381 00:15:22,170 --> 00:15:24,172 They need thousands of them. They need bags. 382 00:15:24,239 --> 00:15:25,574 They're like peat moss bags. 383 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,609 Have you ever seen these giant bags? 384 00:15:27,676 --> 00:15:29,244 They're huge... 385 00:15:29,311 --> 00:15:30,745 and two days later, they're out. 386 00:15:30,812 --> 00:15:32,447 They're gone. The bag is empty. 387 00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:33,848 Where are the cotton balls, ladies? 388 00:15:33,915 --> 00:15:35,551 What are you doing with them? 389 00:15:35,617 --> 00:15:37,018 The only time I ever see them 390 00:15:37,085 --> 00:15:38,553 is in the bottom of your little wastebasket. 391 00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:39,921 There's two or three that look like 392 00:15:39,988 --> 00:15:41,389 they've been through some horrible experience. 393 00:15:43,958 --> 00:15:45,193 Tortured, interrogated, 394 00:15:45,260 --> 00:15:47,062 I don't know what happened to them. 395 00:15:47,129 --> 00:15:48,664 I once went out with a girl, 396 00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:51,032 she left a little Ziploc Baggie of cotton balls at my house. 397 00:15:51,099 --> 00:15:52,567 I didn't know what to do. 398 00:15:52,634 --> 00:15:55,270 I put them on the kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. 399 00:15:55,337 --> 00:15:56,972 I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, 400 00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:59,007 figure, "This is a dead town. Let's move on." 401 00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:02,910 The dating world is a world of pressure. Let's face it, 402 00:16:02,977 --> 00:16:06,515 a date is a job interview that lasts all night. 403 00:16:06,582 --> 00:16:08,716 The only difference between a date and job interview is 404 00:16:08,783 --> 00:16:10,385 not many job interviews is there a chance 405 00:16:10,452 --> 00:16:13,388 you'll end up naked at the end of it. 406 00:16:13,455 --> 00:16:14,756 You know, "Well, Bill, 407 00:16:14,823 --> 00:16:16,425 "the boss thinks you're the man for the position 408 00:16:16,492 --> 00:16:17,859 "Why don't you strip down and meet 409 00:16:17,926 --> 00:16:19,527 some of the people you'll be working with?" 410 00:16:23,632 --> 00:16:25,333 Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman 411 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:26,635 what she's thinking? 412 00:16:26,701 --> 00:16:28,403 Psh. What a world that would be 413 00:16:28,470 --> 00:16:30,972 if you could just ask a woman what she's thinking. 414 00:16:31,039 --> 00:16:32,173 You know, instead... 415 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,176 I'm like a detective. I gotta pick up clues. 416 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,712 The whole thing's a murder investigation. 417 00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:38,346 All right, listen, listen. Don't get worked up. 418 00:16:38,413 --> 00:16:39,748 because you're gonna know the whole story 419 00:16:39,814 --> 00:16:41,082 the minute she steps off the plane.. 420 00:16:41,149 --> 00:16:42,350 Really, how? 421 00:16:42,417 --> 00:16:43,752 Because it's all in the greeting. 422 00:16:43,818 --> 00:16:45,253 All right. If she puts the bags down 423 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:46,822 before she greets you, that's a good sign. 424 00:16:46,888 --> 00:16:48,156 - Right. - You know, anything in— 425 00:16:48,222 --> 00:16:50,025 - In the lip area is good. - Lip area. 426 00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:51,426 You know, a hug, definitely good. 427 00:16:51,492 --> 00:16:52,594 - Hug is definitely good. - Sure. 428 00:16:52,660 --> 00:16:54,262 Although, what if it's one of those hugs 429 00:16:54,329 --> 00:16:55,430 where the shoulders are touching, 430 00:16:55,497 --> 00:16:56,665 the hips are 8 feet apart? 431 00:16:56,731 --> 00:16:57,899 Those are brutal. I hate that. 432 00:16:57,966 --> 00:17:00,468 - You know how they do that? - Also, a shake is bad. 433 00:17:00,535 --> 00:17:02,371 Shake is bad. But what if it's the two-hander? 434 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,406 The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top. 435 00:17:04,473 --> 00:17:05,641 The warm look in the eyes. 436 00:17:05,707 --> 00:17:07,009 - Hand sandwich. Right. - Right. 437 00:17:07,075 --> 00:17:08,543 Well, that's open to interpretation 438 00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,011 because so much depends on the layering 439 00:17:10,078 --> 00:17:11,980 and the quality of the wetness in the eyes— 440 00:17:12,047 --> 00:17:14,950 - Guess who. - Hey, hey. He— 441 00:17:15,017 --> 00:17:16,985 Hey! 442 00:17:17,052 --> 00:17:18,153 Hey! 443 00:17:18,220 --> 00:17:19,721 Hey. 444 00:17:20,588 --> 00:17:22,357 Hey. It's good to see you. 445 00:17:22,424 --> 00:17:23,825 Hi. 446 00:17:23,892 --> 00:17:25,226 This is my friend George. 447 00:17:25,293 --> 00:17:26,895 - Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. - How are you? 448 00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:28,697 - This is Laura. - Sure, Laura, sure. 449 00:17:28,763 --> 00:17:31,132 I can't believe you're here. 450 00:17:31,199 --> 00:17:32,467 Oh, wow. Wow. 451 00:17:34,335 --> 00:17:36,604 - The bags. Let's get the bags. - Oh, yeah, sure, the bags. 452 00:17:36,671 --> 00:17:38,606 - Here, Laura. I'm sorry. - Oh, thank you. 453 00:17:38,673 --> 00:17:39,941 Boy, that was an interesting greeting. 454 00:17:40,008 --> 00:17:41,209 Did you notice that, George? 455 00:17:41,276 --> 00:17:43,311 Yes, the "surprise blindfold" greeting. 456 00:17:43,378 --> 00:17:45,447 That wasn't in the manual. 457 00:17:47,082 --> 00:17:48,816 So... 458 00:17:48,883 --> 00:17:50,151 what do you think? 459 00:17:50,218 --> 00:17:51,620 Whoa. 460 00:17:51,687 --> 00:17:53,055 Wow. 461 00:17:53,121 --> 00:17:54,556 This place isn't so bad. 462 00:17:54,623 --> 00:17:58,994 Yeah, it kind of motivates me to work on the road. 463 00:17:59,060 --> 00:18:01,263 So make yourself at home. 464 00:18:19,114 --> 00:18:20,248 So, uh... 465 00:18:20,315 --> 00:18:22,283 can I get you anything? Uh... 466 00:18:22,350 --> 00:18:24,486 Bread, water... 467 00:18:24,553 --> 00:18:25,754 salad dressing? 468 00:18:27,121 --> 00:18:30,359 Actually, um, do you have any wine? 469 00:18:30,425 --> 00:18:32,594 Uh, yeah, I think I do. 470 00:18:36,164 --> 00:18:38,667 Oh, do you mind if I turn this down? 471 00:18:39,367 --> 00:18:40,602 Uh, no. Yeah, go— 472 00:18:40,669 --> 00:18:42,538 Go right ahead. Yeah. 473 00:18:46,241 --> 00:18:48,309 Jerry, I was wondering 474 00:18:48,376 --> 00:18:50,845 would it be possible, and if it's not, fine, 475 00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:53,682 for me to stay here tomorrow night too? 476 00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:58,152 Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah, why don't you stay? 477 00:18:58,219 --> 00:19:01,055 Yeah. Um... 478 00:19:01,122 --> 00:19:03,492 What is your schedule for tomorrow? 479 00:19:03,558 --> 00:19:05,093 Are you doing anything? 480 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:06,627 Oh. No, I'd love to do something. 481 00:19:06,694 --> 00:19:08,129 I have my seminar in the morning, 482 00:19:08,196 --> 00:19:09,430 but after that I'm wide open. 483 00:19:09,497 --> 00:19:11,166 Really? What would you like to do? 484 00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:12,834 Well... 485 00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:14,435 Now, I know this sounds touristy, 486 00:19:14,502 --> 00:19:16,271 but I'd love to go on one of those 487 00:19:16,338 --> 00:19:19,240 five-hour boat rides around Manhattan. 488 00:19:19,307 --> 00:19:22,611 Yeah, we could do that. 489 00:19:22,678 --> 00:19:25,880 Why not? Why not? 490 00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:28,349 I'm just— I'm really glad you're here. 491 00:19:32,887 --> 00:19:34,356 Hello. 492 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:36,758 Yes. 493 00:19:36,825 --> 00:19:38,093 Yes, she is. 494 00:19:38,159 --> 00:19:39,193 Hold on. 495 00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:40,662 Um, it's for you. 496 00:19:40,729 --> 00:19:42,296 Oh. 497 00:19:42,363 --> 00:19:44,466 Uh... Hello? 498 00:19:44,532 --> 00:19:46,134 Oh, hi. 499 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,237 No, no. It was great, right on time. 500 00:19:49,303 --> 00:19:51,907 No, I-I'm gonna stay here tomorrow. 501 00:19:51,974 --> 00:19:54,042 Yes. Yes, it's fine. 502 00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:57,379 No, we're going on a boat ride. 503 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,716 Don't be silly. 504 00:20:01,782 --> 00:20:04,152 I'm not gonna have this conversation. 505 00:20:04,218 --> 00:20:06,121 Look, I'll call you tomorrow. 506 00:20:06,188 --> 00:20:07,689 Okay. Bye. 507 00:20:09,157 --> 00:20:10,826 Never get engaged. 508 00:20:13,361 --> 00:20:15,163 You're engaged? 509 00:20:15,230 --> 00:20:16,797 You know, you really have no idea 510 00:20:16,864 --> 00:20:18,600 what it's like until you actually do it. 511 00:20:18,667 --> 00:20:21,236 I'm on this emotional roller coaster. 512 00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:22,738 You're engaged? 513 00:20:22,804 --> 00:20:25,039 You know, I can't believe it myself sometimes. 514 00:20:25,106 --> 00:20:28,042 You— You have to start thinking in terms of "we." 515 00:20:28,109 --> 00:20:29,577 It's a very stressful situation. 516 00:20:29,644 --> 00:20:30,845 You're engaged. 517 00:20:30,912 --> 00:20:32,080 Yeah. 518 00:20:32,146 --> 00:20:33,848 - Yeah, he's a great guy. - Yeah. 519 00:20:33,915 --> 00:20:35,850 You'd really like him. 520 00:20:35,917 --> 00:20:37,686 I can't wait to get on that boat. 521 00:20:37,752 --> 00:20:39,488 Me too. 522 00:20:41,122 --> 00:20:43,125 I swear, I have absolutely no idea 523 00:20:43,191 --> 00:20:45,526 what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? 524 00:20:45,593 --> 00:20:48,096 I-I-I admit, I'm not getting the signals. 525 00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:49,631 I am not getting it. 526 00:20:49,698 --> 00:20:52,367 Women, they're so subtle. Their little— 527 00:20:52,434 --> 00:20:53,802 Everything they do is subtle. 528 00:20:55,202 --> 00:20:58,306 Men are not subtle. We are obvious. 529 00:20:58,373 --> 00:21:00,842 Women know what men want, men know what men want. 530 00:21:00,909 --> 00:21:02,144 What do we want? 531 00:21:02,210 --> 00:21:03,879 We want women. That's it. 532 00:21:06,915 --> 00:21:09,917 It's the only thing we know for sure. It really is. 533 00:21:09,984 --> 00:21:11,586 We want women. How do we get them? 534 00:21:11,652 --> 00:21:13,588 Oh, we don't know about that. We don't know. 535 00:21:13,655 --> 00:21:15,824 The next step after that, we have no idea. 536 00:21:15,891 --> 00:21:18,359 This is why you see men honking car horns, 537 00:21:18,426 --> 00:21:19,794 yelling from construction sites. 538 00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:22,196 These are the best ideas we've had so far. 539 00:21:25,667 --> 00:21:28,369 The car horn honk. Is that the beauty? 540 00:21:28,436 --> 00:21:30,772 Have you seen men doing this? 541 00:21:30,838 --> 00:21:33,041 What is this? The man is in the car. 542 00:21:33,108 --> 00:21:34,976 The woman walks by the front of the car. 543 00:21:35,042 --> 00:21:36,110 He honks the— 544 00:21:38,847 --> 00:21:41,215 This man is out of ideas. 545 00:21:42,584 --> 00:21:43,618 How does the—? 546 00:21:47,489 --> 00:21:49,557 "I don't think she likes me." 547 00:21:51,593 --> 00:21:52,761 The amazing thing is that 548 00:21:52,827 --> 00:21:54,128 we still get women, don't we? 549 00:21:54,195 --> 00:21:56,064 Men— I mean, men are with women. 550 00:21:56,130 --> 00:21:57,766 You see men with women. 551 00:21:57,832 --> 00:22:00,836 How are men getting women? Many people wonder. 552 00:22:00,902 --> 00:22:03,504 Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. 553 00:22:05,507 --> 00:22:06,975 Wherever women are, 554 00:22:07,042 --> 00:22:09,777 we have a man working on the situation right now. 555 00:22:09,844 --> 00:22:12,981 Now, he may not be our best man... 556 00:22:14,349 --> 00:22:16,317 Okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, 557 00:22:16,384 --> 00:22:20,388 but someone from our staff is on the scene. 558 00:22:20,454 --> 00:22:22,089 That's why I think men get frustrated 559 00:22:22,156 --> 00:22:24,292 when we see women reading articles 560 00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:27,229 like "Where to Meet Men." 561 00:22:27,295 --> 00:22:29,230 We're here. We are everywhere. 562 00:22:30,765 --> 00:22:32,566 We're honking our horns to serve you better.