1 00:00:02,230 --> 00:00:04,519 Most men like working on things. 2 00:00:06,712 --> 00:00:10,251 Tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. 3 00:00:10,568 --> 00:00:14,003 Ever noticed if a guy's in his driveway working on something with tools... 4 00:00:14,007 --> 00:00:16,192 how all the other men in the neighbourhood... 5 00:00:16,300 --> 00:00:18,902 are magnetically drawn to this activity? 6 00:00:18,906 --> 00:00:22,550 They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. 7 00:00:23,805 --> 00:00:28,282 Men... It's true. Men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. 8 00:00:30,267 --> 00:00:32,451 They go running up to the living-room curtain. 9 00:00:32,455 --> 00:00:36,203 "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there." 10 00:00:36,833 --> 00:00:38,288 So they run over to the guy. 11 00:00:38,396 --> 00:00:40,164 They don't actually help the guy. 12 00:00:40,272 --> 00:00:44,646 No. They just want to hang around the area... 13 00:00:44,754 --> 00:00:48,189 where work is being done. 14 00:00:49,548 --> 00:00:52,150 That's what men want to do. 15 00:00:52,258 --> 00:00:54,651 We want to watch the guy. We want to talk to him. 16 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,674 We want to ask him dumb questions. You know... 17 00:00:59,346 --> 00:01:01,947 "What are you using, a Phillips head?" 18 00:01:03,098 --> 00:01:05,178 You know, we feel involved. 19 00:01:05,286 --> 00:01:07,471 That's why when they have construction sites... 20 00:01:07,579 --> 00:01:10,077 they have to have those wood panel fences around it. 21 00:01:10,185 --> 00:01:12,995 That's just to keep the men out. 22 00:01:13,103 --> 00:01:14,871 They cut those little holes for us... 23 00:01:14,979 --> 00:01:17,685 so we can see what the hell is going on. 24 00:01:17,689 --> 00:01:21,750 But if they don't cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. 25 00:01:21,858 --> 00:01:25,710 Right over there. "What are you using, the steel girders down here?" 26 00:01:26,757 --> 00:01:29,254 Yeah, that'll hold. 27 00:01:42,078 --> 00:01:43,637 I had to say something. 28 00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:45,722 Had to say something. 29 00:01:45,830 --> 00:01:48,640 Everything was going so well. I had to say something. 30 00:01:48,749 --> 00:01:50,412 I don't think you did anything wrong. 31 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:54,164 I told her I liked her. Why? 32 00:01:54,273 --> 00:01:55,936 Why did I tell her I like her? 33 00:01:56,670 --> 00:02:00,313 I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. 34 00:02:00,422 --> 00:02:02,294 I like you. I don't tell you. 35 00:02:02,298 --> 00:02:04,482 We can only thank God for that. 36 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,860 I'm out of the picture. I am out of the picture. 37 00:02:09,177 --> 00:02:11,257 Matter of time now. 38 00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:15,426 - You're imagining this. Really. - Oh, no. No, no. 39 00:02:18,140 --> 00:02:20,325 I'll tell you when it happened too. 40 00:02:20,433 --> 00:02:24,494 It's when that floss came flying out of my pocket. 41 00:02:24,498 --> 00:02:26,682 What floss? When? 42 00:02:26,687 --> 00:02:28,975 In the lobby, during the intermission of the play. 43 00:02:28,980 --> 00:02:31,685 I was buying her one of those containers of orange drink. 44 00:02:31,690 --> 00:02:33,666 For $5. 45 00:02:33,774 --> 00:02:35,750 I reach into my pocket to pay for it. I look down. 46 00:02:35,859 --> 00:02:38,877 There's this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers. 47 00:02:38,881 --> 00:02:41,795 - Mint. - Of course. 48 00:02:41,799 --> 00:02:46,173 So I'm looking at it. I look up and see she's looking at it. 49 00:02:46,281 --> 00:02:48,153 Our eyes lock. 50 00:02:49,512 --> 00:02:51,488 It was a horrible moment. I just... 51 00:02:53,785 --> 00:02:57,221 So let me get this straight. She saw the floss. 52 00:02:57,329 --> 00:03:00,452 You panicked, and you told her you liked her. 53 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,328 If I didn't put floss in my pocket... 54 00:03:02,332 --> 00:03:06,601 I'd be crawling around her bedroom right now, looking for my glasses. 55 00:03:06,709 --> 00:03:10,874 - You sure the floss was the catalyst? - Yes, I am. 56 00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:14,209 You don't think it might have had anything to do with that? 57 00:03:14,735 --> 00:03:16,607 What, you don't like this? 58 00:03:16,715 --> 00:03:19,838 Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal. 59 00:03:20,988 --> 00:03:25,778 They got a cure for cancer. See, it's all big business. 60 00:03:26,304 --> 00:03:28,905 Oh, hey! Jerry just walked in. 61 00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:30,781 Hi, George! 62 00:03:31,619 --> 00:03:33,804 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take my number. 63 00:03:33,912 --> 00:03:38,598 It's 555-8643. 64 00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:40,787 Okay. Here he is. 65 00:03:41,625 --> 00:03:43,184 - Who is it? - Take it. 66 00:03:44,126 --> 00:03:46,832 - Who is it? - It's for you. 67 00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:49,750 Hello? 68 00:03:49,859 --> 00:03:52,564 Oh, hi, Joel. 69 00:03:52,569 --> 00:03:55,691 No. I was out of town. I just got back. 70 00:03:55,695 --> 00:03:59,235 Kramer doesn't know anything. He's just my next-door neighbour. 71 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:02,466 Nothing much. Tuesday? 72 00:04:03,095 --> 00:04:07,156 Tuesday, no. I'm meeting somebody. 73 00:04:07,786 --> 00:04:09,866 Wednesday? 74 00:04:10,079 --> 00:04:14,035 Wednesday's okay. All right. 75 00:04:14,143 --> 00:04:16,849 I'm a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning? 76 00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,621 Okay. Yeah. 77 00:04:18,729 --> 00:04:21,435 Right. Thanks. Bye. 78 00:04:21,439 --> 00:04:23,624 Why do you put me on the phone with him? 79 00:04:23,732 --> 00:04:26,021 I hate just being handed a phone. 80 00:04:26,025 --> 00:04:28,418 Well, it's your phone. He wanted to talk to you. 81 00:04:28,422 --> 00:04:30,607 Maybe I didn't want to talk to him. 82 00:04:30,715 --> 00:04:32,691 - Well, why not? - He bothers me. 83 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,984 I don't answer the phone anymore because of him. 84 00:04:35,093 --> 00:04:37,590 He's turned me into a screener. 85 00:04:38,636 --> 00:04:40,612 Now I gotta see him on Wednesday. 86 00:04:40,617 --> 00:04:43,322 What? I thought we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. 87 00:04:43,431 --> 00:04:44,886 We got seats behind the bench. 88 00:04:45,098 --> 00:04:47,491 - What happened? We're not going? - We're going. 89 00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:49,680 That's next Wednesday. 90 00:04:51,456 --> 00:04:54,057 - Who is this guy? - His name's Joel Horneck. 91 00:04:54,166 --> 00:04:56,872 He lived, like, three houses down from me when I grew up. 92 00:04:56,980 --> 00:05:00,103 He had a Ping-Pong table. We were friends. 93 00:05:00,107 --> 00:05:04,689 Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping-Pong? 94 00:05:04,797 --> 00:05:07,086 I was 10! 95 00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:10,838 I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping-Pong table. 96 00:05:13,865 --> 00:05:16,674 He's so self-involved. 97 00:05:19,805 --> 00:05:22,094 That's for me. 98 00:05:22,932 --> 00:05:24,491 Kramerica Industries. 99 00:05:25,017 --> 00:05:26,472 Hi, Mark. 100 00:05:26,789 --> 00:05:30,120 No, no. Forget that. I got a better idea. 101 00:05:30,124 --> 00:05:32,308 A pizza place where you make your own pie. 102 00:05:32,417 --> 00:05:34,184 Can you conduct your business... 103 00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:37,936 elsewhere? - No, I'm talking about a whole chain. 104 00:05:38,358 --> 00:05:40,125 Yeah. 105 00:05:42,318 --> 00:05:45,337 I don't know why you bother with this Ping-Pong guy, I tell you. 106 00:05:45,341 --> 00:05:46,691 I don't bother with him. 107 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,922 He's been calling me for seven years. I never called him once. 108 00:05:50,031 --> 00:05:52,737 He's got the attention span of a 5-year-old. 109 00:05:52,845 --> 00:05:54,404 Sometimes I sit there... 110 00:05:54,513 --> 00:05:57,427 and I make up things just to see if he's paying attention. 111 00:05:57,535 --> 00:06:00,032 I don't understand why you spend time with this guy. 112 00:06:00,141 --> 00:06:02,430 What can I do, break up with him? 113 00:06:02,538 --> 00:06:05,765 Tell him, "I don't think we're right for each other." 114 00:06:05,873 --> 00:06:07,745 It's a guy. 115 00:06:07,853 --> 00:06:09,934 At least with a woman there's a precedent. 116 00:06:10,042 --> 00:06:12,122 The relationship goes sour, you end it. 117 00:06:12,127 --> 00:06:16,604 No, no, no. You have to approach this as if he was a woman. 118 00:06:16,713 --> 00:06:19,210 - Just break up with him? - Absolutely. 119 00:06:19,318 --> 00:06:22,545 - You just tell him the truth. - The truth? 120 00:06:25,780 --> 00:06:29,632 No. As a guy, I don't know how I can break up with another guy. 121 00:06:29,741 --> 00:06:31,717 You know? I don't know how to say: 122 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:34,635 "Bill, I feel I need to see other men." 123 00:06:35,265 --> 00:06:37,345 Know what I mean? There is nothing I can do. 124 00:06:37,454 --> 00:06:39,846 I have to wait for someone to die. 125 00:06:40,372 --> 00:06:42,973 I think that's the only way out of this relationship. 126 00:06:43,082 --> 00:06:44,432 It could be a long time. 127 00:06:45,583 --> 00:06:48,810 See the great thing about guys is that we can become friends... 128 00:06:48,814 --> 00:06:51,103 based on almost nothing. 129 00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:55,585 Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. 130 00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:58,399 That's almost all we need to have in common. 131 00:06:58,507 --> 00:07:02,359 Because sports and women is really all we talk about. 132 00:07:02,363 --> 00:07:05,590 If there was no sports and no women, the only thing guys would say is: 133 00:07:05,699 --> 00:07:07,987 "So, what's in the refrigerator?" 134 00:07:11,118 --> 00:07:14,971 So my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. 135 00:07:15,079 --> 00:07:17,055 I mean, this guy is a brilliant man. 136 00:07:17,163 --> 00:07:18,931 Lenny Bruce used to go to him... 137 00:07:18,935 --> 00:07:20,807 and I think, Geraldo. 138 00:07:23,417 --> 00:07:25,810 I read the Lenny Bruce biography. I thought it was... 139 00:07:25,918 --> 00:07:27,582 Hey, hey, hey! We're starving here! 140 00:07:27,690 --> 00:07:30,187 interesting... - We've been waiting here 10 minutes. 141 00:07:30,192 --> 00:07:31,855 that he would... 142 00:07:34,256 --> 00:07:36,545 So I'm thinking about going to Iran this summer. 143 00:07:36,549 --> 00:07:38,630 You know, I have to eat. 144 00:07:43,116 --> 00:07:45,300 I mean, I'm hypoglycaemic. 145 00:07:46,451 --> 00:07:49,573 Anyway, the Hezbollah has invited me to perform. 146 00:07:54,685 --> 00:07:58,224 - It's their annual terrorist luncheon. - Yeah. 147 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,726 I'm gonna do it in Farsi. 148 00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:03,644 Do you think I need a haircut? 149 00:08:03,752 --> 00:08:05,207 Are you ready? 150 00:08:05,212 --> 00:08:07,813 Yeah, I'll have the egg salad on whole wheat. 151 00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:11,461 Hey, let me ask you a question. This turkey sandwich here... 152 00:08:11,465 --> 00:08:13,650 is that real turkey or is it a turkey roll? 153 00:08:13,758 --> 00:08:15,526 I don't want that processed turkey. 154 00:08:15,738 --> 00:08:17,506 I hate it. 155 00:08:17,510 --> 00:08:19,069 I think it's real turkey. 156 00:08:19,490 --> 00:08:23,238 - Is there a real bird in the back? - No, there's no bird, but... 157 00:08:23,243 --> 00:08:26,052 How do you know for sure? Why don't you do me a favour. 158 00:08:26,057 --> 00:08:29,388 Why don't you go in the back and find out, okay? 159 00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:33,452 Unbelievable. 160 00:08:36,688 --> 00:08:39,081 How can you talk to someone like that? 161 00:08:39,814 --> 00:08:42,937 Look, what are you saying? What, you like turkey roll? 162 00:08:43,983 --> 00:08:47,419 Listen, Joel. There's something I have to tell you. 163 00:08:48,048 --> 00:08:49,712 Wait. 164 00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:52,421 You'll never guess who I ran into. 165 00:08:52,530 --> 00:08:54,923 - Howard Metro. - Howard Metro. 166 00:08:54,927 --> 00:08:58,258 He asked me if I still saw you. I said, "Sure, I see him all the time. 167 00:08:58,367 --> 00:09:02,636 We're still great friends." Anyway, Howard says hello. 168 00:09:05,454 --> 00:09:07,430 Listen, Joel. 169 00:09:08,685 --> 00:09:10,869 I don't think we should see each other anymore. 170 00:09:12,124 --> 00:09:13,475 What? 171 00:09:13,792 --> 00:09:16,185 This friendship, it's not working. 172 00:09:16,293 --> 00:09:18,374 Not working? What are you talking about? 173 00:09:19,316 --> 00:09:22,230 We're just not suited to be friends. 174 00:09:22,547 --> 00:09:25,357 - But how can you say that? - Look, you're a nice guy. 175 00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:28,067 It's just that we don't have anything in common. 176 00:09:28,071 --> 00:09:30,151 Wait. What did I do? 177 00:09:30,260 --> 00:09:32,444 Tell me what... I want to know what I did. 178 00:09:32,553 --> 00:09:36,092 You didn't do anything. It's not you. It's me. 179 00:09:37,555 --> 00:09:39,010 It's... This is very difficult. 180 00:09:39,119 --> 00:09:41,929 Look, I know I call you too much. Right? I mean, I know. 181 00:09:41,933 --> 00:09:44,951 - You're a very busy guy. - No, it's not that. 182 00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:49,120 You're one of the few people I can talk to. 183 00:09:49,124 --> 00:09:51,830 Look, come on. Now, that's not true. 184 00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:53,915 I always tell everybody about you. 185 00:09:54,023 --> 00:09:56,937 I tell everybody to go see his show! 186 00:09:59,755 --> 00:10:01,315 I mean, I'm your biggest fan. 187 00:10:01,423 --> 00:10:03,920 - I know, I know. - I mean, you're my best friend. 188 00:10:04,654 --> 00:10:07,047 Best friend? I've never been to your apartment. 189 00:10:07,155 --> 00:10:09,965 I cannot believe that this is happening! I can't believe it. 190 00:10:09,970 --> 00:10:13,613 Okay, okay, forget it. It's okay. I didn't mean it. 191 00:10:13,617 --> 00:10:15,594 - Didn't mean what? - What I said. 192 00:10:15,598 --> 00:10:19,137 - I've been under a lot of stress. - Oh, you've been under a lot of stress. 193 00:10:20,705 --> 00:10:24,036 Look, just... Can we just forget the whole thing ever happened? 194 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,537 I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I took it out on you. 195 00:10:26,646 --> 00:10:30,602 We're still friends. We're still friends. Still friends. 196 00:10:31,961 --> 00:10:36,126 Okay, look. I tell you what. I got Knick tickets. This Wednesday. 197 00:10:36,130 --> 00:10:38,732 Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? 198 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,608 Come on. 199 00:10:40,716 --> 00:10:42,171 Tonight? 200 00:10:42,592 --> 00:10:46,132 No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would've said tonight. 201 00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:50,196 You really want me to go? 202 00:10:52,077 --> 00:10:53,532 Yes. 203 00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:59,681 - Okay. - Here, take these. 204 00:11:00,519 --> 00:11:03,120 Okay. Great. That would be... 205 00:11:03,125 --> 00:11:05,726 That'd be great. So... 206 00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:07,915 next Wednesday. - Next Wednesday. 207 00:11:09,482 --> 00:11:11,875 Say, where is that waitress? Hey! 208 00:11:28,868 --> 00:11:32,512 She calls me up at the office. She says, "We have to talk." 209 00:11:33,350 --> 00:11:36,785 The four worst words in the English language. 210 00:11:37,415 --> 00:11:40,642 That or, "Whose bra is this?" 211 00:11:40,750 --> 00:11:42,622 That is worse. 212 00:11:42,730 --> 00:11:45,019 So we order lunch, and we're talking. 213 00:11:45,023 --> 00:11:47,208 Finally, she blurts out how it's not working. 214 00:11:47,212 --> 00:11:48,563 Really. 215 00:11:48,671 --> 00:11:51,690 So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this, I'm thinking, "Great. 216 00:11:51,694 --> 00:11:54,608 The relationship's over, but the egg salad's on the way." 217 00:11:54,612 --> 00:11:57,735 So now I have a decision. Do I walk or do I eat? 218 00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,819 You ate. 219 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,050 Sat there for 20 minutes, chewing. 220 00:12:03,159 --> 00:12:06,073 Staring at each other in a defunct relationship. 221 00:12:06,181 --> 00:12:08,991 Someone says, "Get out of my life." 222 00:12:09,099 --> 00:12:11,701 And that doesn't affect your appetite? 223 00:12:11,914 --> 00:12:13,577 Have you ever had their egg salad? 224 00:12:13,685 --> 00:12:16,495 - It is unbelievable. - It's unbelievable. 225 00:12:16,604 --> 00:12:19,309 Tell you what else is unbelievable. I picked up the check. 226 00:12:19,418 --> 00:12:21,707 She didn't even offer. She ended it. 227 00:12:21,711 --> 00:12:24,938 The least she could do is send me off with a sandwich. 228 00:12:26,088 --> 00:12:28,794 How much could you possibly have in there? 229 00:12:28,902 --> 00:12:30,461 Look, it's my money. 230 00:12:30,570 --> 00:12:32,963 All right? What should I do, throw it out the window? 231 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,673 I know a guy who took his vacation on his change. 232 00:12:35,781 --> 00:12:37,966 Yeah? Where'd he go? To an arcade? 233 00:12:39,429 --> 00:12:41,092 That's funny. You're a funny guy. 234 00:12:41,409 --> 00:12:43,490 Come on, move up. 235 00:12:43,494 --> 00:12:45,262 Great. Ewing's hurt. 236 00:12:45,266 --> 00:12:46,721 How long is he gonna be out? 237 00:12:46,829 --> 00:12:50,056 Well, a couple days at the most, but... 238 00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,349 - Oh, God. - I got scared there for a second. 239 00:12:52,353 --> 00:12:53,704 The Knicks without Ewing. 240 00:12:53,812 --> 00:12:56,726 Listen, George. A little problem with the game. 241 00:12:56,731 --> 00:12:58,811 - What about it? - The thing is, yesterday... 242 00:12:58,919 --> 00:13:01,312 I kind of... 243 00:13:02,046 --> 00:13:06,836 - What? - I gave your ticket to Horneck. 244 00:13:12,781 --> 00:13:14,445 - You what? - Yeah. 245 00:13:14,553 --> 00:13:17,155 I'm sorry. I had to give it to Horneck. 246 00:13:18,722 --> 00:13:20,177 No. 247 00:13:23,725 --> 00:13:25,284 My ticket? 248 00:13:25,288 --> 00:13:28,202 - You gave my ticket to Horneck? - Come on. Go ahead. Move up. 249 00:13:28,207 --> 00:13:29,870 What did you give him my ticket for? 250 00:13:29,979 --> 00:13:31,746 You didn't see him. It was horrible. 251 00:13:31,855 --> 00:13:34,143 Oh, come on, Jerry. I can't believe this! 252 00:13:34,148 --> 00:13:36,019 - I had to do it. - Oh, please. 253 00:13:36,128 --> 00:13:38,729 Can you change this into bills? 254 00:13:38,838 --> 00:13:40,710 I'm sorry, sir, we can't do that. 255 00:13:40,714 --> 00:13:42,377 Do you want to go with him? 256 00:13:42,486 --> 00:13:44,670 - You go, I don't mind. - I'm not going with him! 257 00:13:44,674 --> 00:13:46,442 I don't even know the guy! 258 00:13:46,655 --> 00:13:48,422 Look, they did this for me before. 259 00:13:48,531 --> 00:13:51,549 Look, I can give you these, and you can roll them yourself. 260 00:13:51,657 --> 00:13:54,259 You want me to roll 6000 of these? 261 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,865 What, should I quit my job? 262 00:13:57,286 --> 00:14:00,304 No, I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression: 263 00:14:00,308 --> 00:14:03,848 "Laughing all the way to the bank." I've never seen anyone actually do it. 264 00:14:05,936 --> 00:14:07,391 And those bank lines. 265 00:14:08,125 --> 00:14:10,310 I hate it when there's nobody on the line at all. 266 00:14:10,418 --> 00:14:12,811 You now that part? You go to the bank, it's empty... 267 00:14:12,919 --> 00:14:16,042 and you still have to go through the little maze. 268 00:14:16,672 --> 00:14:19,273 "Could you get some cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. 269 00:14:19,381 --> 00:14:22,191 I'd like a reward for this, please." 270 00:14:22,717 --> 00:14:24,693 - Thirty-two, 33... - George. 271 00:14:24,801 --> 00:14:28,132 Not now, 33... 272 00:14:28,241 --> 00:14:31,259 - Thirty... - Could you stop the counting? 273 00:14:34,494 --> 00:14:37,200 - What? - Can I make it up to you? 274 00:14:37,204 --> 00:14:38,763 I'll give you $50 for the jug. 275 00:14:38,767 --> 00:14:40,848 Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money. 276 00:14:40,852 --> 00:14:43,036 Well, then I'm not gonna go to the game either. 277 00:14:43,145 --> 00:14:45,746 Okay, I'll give him both tickets. 278 00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:48,039 Go. Go! 279 00:14:52,629 --> 00:14:55,231 l... No, I don't want to go. 280 00:14:55,339 --> 00:14:58,670 - He was really crying? - I had to give him a tissue. 281 00:14:58,779 --> 00:15:01,901 In fact, let me call his machine now, and I'll make up some excuse... 282 00:15:02,010 --> 00:15:04,507 why I can't go to the game either. 283 00:15:04,615 --> 00:15:07,738 Wait. Wait a minute. As long as you're gonna lie to the guy... 284 00:15:07,846 --> 00:15:11,803 why don't you tell him that you lost both of the tickets. Then we can go. 285 00:15:11,807 --> 00:15:14,200 George, the man wept. 286 00:15:15,663 --> 00:15:17,118 Hey, guys. 287 00:15:17,122 --> 00:15:21,079 Man, I'm telling you, this pizza idea is really gonna happen. 288 00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:26,811 This is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza? 289 00:15:26,815 --> 00:15:28,166 We give you the dough. 290 00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:31,710 You smash it. You pound it. You fling it up in the air. 291 00:15:31,714 --> 00:15:34,732 And then you get to put your sauce and sprinkle your cheese. 292 00:15:34,737 --> 00:15:38,484 And then, you slide it into the oven. 293 00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:42,445 You have to know how to do that. 294 00:15:42,449 --> 00:15:46,197 You can't have people shoving their arms into a 600-degree oven! 295 00:15:46,306 --> 00:15:49,115 - It's all supervised. - Oh, well... 296 00:15:49,224 --> 00:15:50,783 All of it! 297 00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:54,118 - You want to invest? - My money's tied up in change. 298 00:15:54,227 --> 00:15:55,890 You know, look. I'm telling you. 299 00:15:55,999 --> 00:15:58,913 People, they really want to make their own pizza pie. 300 00:15:59,021 --> 00:16:02,352 I have to say something, with all due respect. 301 00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:05,583 I just never... I can't imagine anyone... 302 00:16:05,692 --> 00:16:08,501 in any walk of life, under any circumstance... 303 00:16:08,610 --> 00:16:11,420 wanting to make their own pizza pie. 304 00:16:11,528 --> 00:16:13,609 - But that's me. - Well, okay. 305 00:16:13,613 --> 00:16:15,797 - That's you. - I'm just saying. 306 00:16:15,801 --> 00:16:19,132 I just wanted to check with you guys. This business is going to be big. 307 00:16:19,241 --> 00:16:21,217 I just want to... Okay. 308 00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:28,304 One day, you'll beg me to make your own pie. 309 00:16:34,145 --> 00:16:37,268 Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you... 310 00:16:37,376 --> 00:16:39,769 Oh, hi, Joel. Oh, you just came in. 311 00:16:39,878 --> 00:16:44,564 Listen, I can't make it to the game tonight. 312 00:16:44,672 --> 00:16:46,961 I have to tutor my nephew. 313 00:16:47,069 --> 00:16:49,775 Yeah, he's got an exam tomorrow. 314 00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:51,964 Geometry. 315 00:16:52,385 --> 00:16:54,673 You know, trapezoid, rhombus. 316 00:16:54,678 --> 00:16:58,634 Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. They're at the will-call window. 317 00:16:58,638 --> 00:17:03,637 And I'm really sorry. Have a good time. We'll talk next week, okay? Yeah. 318 00:17:03,641 --> 00:17:06,242 Yeah. I don't... Fine. 319 00:17:06,247 --> 00:17:08,223 Fine, bye. 320 00:17:10,416 --> 00:17:11,662 "Trapezoid"? 321 00:17:11,771 --> 00:17:14,789 I know. I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. 322 00:17:14,897 --> 00:17:17,499 I need some kind of excuse Rolodex. 323 00:17:24,382 --> 00:17:27,504 Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. 324 00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:29,381 - Wanna get something to eat? - Where? 325 00:17:29,697 --> 00:17:31,673 I don't care. I'm not hungry. 326 00:17:33,033 --> 00:17:35,113 We could go to one of those cappuccino places. 327 00:17:35,117 --> 00:17:37,093 They let you just sit there. 328 00:17:37,202 --> 00:17:39,386 What are we gonna do there, talk? 329 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,200 We can talk. 330 00:17:42,205 --> 00:17:44,181 I'll go if I don't have to talk. 331 00:17:46,061 --> 00:17:47,724 Then we'll just sit there. 332 00:17:48,145 --> 00:17:51,059 Okay, I'm gonna check my machine first. 333 00:17:55,545 --> 00:17:58,147 "Picking someone up at airport, jury duty... 334 00:17:58,255 --> 00:18:02,316 waiting for cable company." - Okay, just hand that over, please. 335 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,817 - What is this? - It's a list of excuses. 336 00:18:04,926 --> 00:18:09,090 It's for that guy Horneck, who's at the game tonight with my tickets. 337 00:18:09,095 --> 00:18:12,947 I have that list now, so in case he calls, I just consult it... 338 00:18:12,951 --> 00:18:14,823 and I don't have to see him. 339 00:18:17,433 --> 00:18:19,409 - God. - I need it. 340 00:18:21,289 --> 00:18:23,161 - What are you doing? - I got some for you. 341 00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:25,662 - Oh, I don't need any more. - No, no, no. 342 00:18:25,667 --> 00:18:27,851 These are good. Listen, listen. 343 00:18:27,855 --> 00:18:30,874 "You ran out of underwear, you can't leave the house." 344 00:18:31,712 --> 00:18:33,062 Very funny. 345 00:18:34,734 --> 00:18:36,398 How about you've been diagnosed... 346 00:18:36,506 --> 00:18:40,358 as a multiple personality? You're not even you. 347 00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:42,443 You're Dan. 348 00:18:42,447 --> 00:18:43,798 I'm Dan. 349 00:18:43,906 --> 00:18:48,384 - Can I have my list back, please? - Here. Here. 350 00:18:48,805 --> 00:18:51,823 Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe you are doing this. 351 00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:54,012 This is absolutely infantile. 352 00:18:56,622 --> 00:19:00,369 - What can I do? - Deal with it. Be a man. 353 00:19:00,478 --> 00:19:02,037 Oh, no. 354 00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:07,665 That's impossible. I'd rather lie to him the rest of my life... 355 00:19:07,670 --> 00:19:09,646 than go through that again. 356 00:19:09,754 --> 00:19:11,105 He was crying. 357 00:19:11,422 --> 00:19:14,961 Tears, accompanied by mucus. 358 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:17,879 You made a man cry? 359 00:19:18,613 --> 00:19:20,172 I never made a man cry. 360 00:19:20,177 --> 00:19:24,237 I even kicked a guy in the groin once, and he didn't cry. 361 00:19:24,346 --> 00:19:26,322 I got the cab. 362 00:19:28,306 --> 00:19:30,699 A couple of tough monkeys. 363 00:19:33,205 --> 00:19:34,972 Hi, Elaine. 364 00:19:34,977 --> 00:19:36,744 Hey, you missed a great game tonight. 365 00:19:36,853 --> 00:19:38,203 - Game? - Knick game. 366 00:19:38,312 --> 00:19:41,539 Horneck took me. We're sitting two rows behind the bench. 367 00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:43,936 We were getting hit by sweat! 368 00:19:45,295 --> 00:19:47,375 Wait. How does Horneck know you? 369 00:19:47,484 --> 00:19:50,085 Last week, when I, you know, gave you the phone. 370 00:19:50,194 --> 00:19:51,961 He's really into my pizza place idea. 371 00:19:52,070 --> 00:19:54,567 - This is too much. - Wait. What pizza place idea? 372 00:19:54,571 --> 00:19:56,547 Oh, no. 373 00:19:56,656 --> 00:19:58,632 You get to make your own pie. 374 00:19:59,261 --> 00:20:03,009 That sounds like a great idea. It would be fun. 375 00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:04,885 - Kramer! - Yeah! 376 00:20:04,889 --> 00:20:06,553 Perfect. 377 00:20:06,557 --> 00:20:08,116 Hey! 378 00:20:09,163 --> 00:20:11,764 Okay, who wants meat loaf? 379 00:20:12,289 --> 00:20:13,953 - No, thanks. - No, no. 380 00:20:13,957 --> 00:20:16,142 It's gonna be hot in a minute. 381 00:20:16,667 --> 00:20:19,373 So I thought you were tutoring your nephew. 382 00:20:19,689 --> 00:20:22,812 - We finished early. - I'll bet. 383 00:20:23,337 --> 00:20:27,189 So are you going to introduce me to your nephew? 384 00:20:27,298 --> 00:20:30,212 Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck. 385 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:32,922 Whoa, Nelson. 386 00:20:33,030 --> 00:20:35,319 This is Elaine. 387 00:20:35,427 --> 00:20:38,863 - I thought you guys split up. - We're still friends. 388 00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:41,260 So... 389 00:20:41,473 --> 00:20:44,804 Thanks again for those tickets, But next week, I'm gonna take you. 390 00:20:44,912 --> 00:20:47,409 How about next Tuesday night? Why don't you come along. 391 00:20:47,726 --> 00:20:53,142 Oh, no, no. Tuesday's no good because we've got choir practice. 392 00:20:53,354 --> 00:20:55,122 Right. 393 00:20:55,230 --> 00:20:57,102 - Forgot about choir. - Yeah. 394 00:20:57,106 --> 00:20:59,499 We're... We're doing that evening... 395 00:20:59,608 --> 00:21:02,001 of Eastern European national anthems. 396 00:21:02,005 --> 00:21:03,460 Right. You know... 397 00:21:03,568 --> 00:21:06,170 the wall being down and everything. 398 00:21:07,321 --> 00:21:10,756 Well, what about Thursday night? I mean, they're playing the Sonics. 399 00:21:11,594 --> 00:21:16,592 Thursday is not good because we've gotta get to the hospital... 400 00:21:16,701 --> 00:21:20,136 to see if we qualify as those organ donors. 401 00:21:20,244 --> 00:21:22,116 I should really try something like that. 402 00:21:22,225 --> 00:21:25,139 You really should. 403 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:28,578 Well, let's just take a look here. 404 00:21:28,687 --> 00:21:30,350 Forty-one home games. 405 00:21:30,354 --> 00:21:32,747 Let's see, Saturday night we got the Mavericks. 406 00:21:32,856 --> 00:21:35,353 If you don't like the Mavericks, next Tuesday, Lakers. 407 00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:37,125 I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? 408 00:21:37,233 --> 00:21:39,939 Now, let's see. On the road, on the road, on the road... 409 00:21:40,047 --> 00:21:42,023 Back, back on the 14th. 410 00:21:42,028 --> 00:21:45,359 They play the Bulls. You can't miss Air Jordan... 411 00:21:45,988 --> 00:21:49,528 I've come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in your life... 412 00:21:49,636 --> 00:21:52,759 that they're just always your friends, and you have to accept it. 413 00:21:52,867 --> 00:21:55,781 You see them. You don't want to see them. You don't call them. 414 00:21:55,890 --> 00:21:57,553 They call you. 415 00:21:57,661 --> 00:21:59,950 You don't call back, they call again. 416 00:22:01,309 --> 00:22:03,390 The way to get through talking with people... 417 00:22:03,394 --> 00:22:05,162 you have nothing in common with... 418 00:22:05,270 --> 00:22:08,080 is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. 419 00:22:08,188 --> 00:22:10,998 This is what I do. Pretend there's a little desk around you. 420 00:22:11,002 --> 00:22:14,750 There's a little chair over there, and you interview them. 421 00:22:14,754 --> 00:22:16,834 The only problem is, there's no way to say: 422 00:22:16,943 --> 00:22:19,962 "Hey, it's been great having you on the show. 423 00:22:20,070 --> 00:22:21,421 We're out of time."