1 00:00:47,928 --> 00:00:49,636 Once upon a time… 2 00:00:51,011 --> 00:00:52,928 in a kingdom far away… 3 00:00:55,220 --> 00:00:59,011 a certain man and a slightly less certain woman 4 00:00:59,386 --> 00:01:01,178 kept bumping into one another. 5 00:01:03,053 --> 00:01:05,053 They seemed to meet everywhere. 6 00:01:08,261 --> 00:01:09,553 On street corners. 7 00:01:12,553 --> 00:01:13,678 At parties. 8 00:01:14,470 --> 00:01:17,428 It was almost as if they were dating accidentally. 9 00:01:18,220 --> 00:01:20,345 And then, after another chance meeting, 10 00:01:20,845 --> 00:01:23,136 at a wealthy lawyer's new son's bris… 11 00:01:25,970 --> 00:01:29,970 They decided to pick a time to bump into each other on purpose. 12 00:01:32,470 --> 00:01:36,303 Saturday, 10:30. The hottest new restaurant in Manhattan. 13 00:01:37,511 --> 00:01:40,011 Samantha's PR Firm was handling the opening. 14 00:01:40,845 --> 00:01:42,678 - Hi! - Hey. 15 00:01:42,761 --> 00:01:43,845 Hi. 16 00:01:44,678 --> 00:01:46,178 So, isn't Brian great? 17 00:01:46,261 --> 00:01:49,678 Charlotte had a new boyfriend. He had her big three. 18 00:01:49,761 --> 00:01:51,970 Looks, manners, money. 19 00:01:52,053 --> 00:01:55,261 Did I tell you he wants to buy a painting from my gallery? 20 00:01:55,345 --> 00:01:57,928 Love and a commission. She couldn't have been happier. 21 00:01:58,011 --> 00:02:00,345 - All right. It's official. He's late. - Who? 22 00:02:00,428 --> 00:02:02,136 Mr. Big, who else? 23 00:02:02,220 --> 00:02:04,678 Carrie, that's great. Is it a date? 24 00:02:04,761 --> 00:02:07,261 He called it a thing. He said, "Meet me… 25 00:02:07,345 --> 00:02:09,095 Meet me for a drink thing." 26 00:02:09,178 --> 00:02:12,095 - He never used the "D" word. - Well, "thing" is good. 27 00:02:12,178 --> 00:02:14,803 - I mean, "thing" comes before date. - Let's hope so. 28 00:02:14,886 --> 00:02:16,595 - All right, I'm gonna go in. - Okay. 29 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:19,303 - See you in there. - Where did Skipper go? 30 00:02:19,386 --> 00:02:21,636 I don't know how you can date that younger guy. 31 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:23,303 I mean, they're so scattered and unfocused. 32 00:02:23,386 --> 00:02:24,330 We're not dating. 33 00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:25,636 It's a "fuck" thing. 34 00:02:26,928 --> 00:02:28,761 Girls, isn't this fun? 35 00:02:28,845 --> 00:02:32,761 I've turned away 20 so far. People are actually crying. 36 00:02:40,470 --> 00:02:44,011 Oh, something came up. He's not gonna meet me. 37 00:02:44,095 --> 00:02:47,053 Here, will you listen to this and tell me if you can figure out 38 00:02:47,136 --> 00:02:50,470 whether he's not meeting me as a date or not meeting me as a friend. 39 00:02:50,553 --> 00:02:51,553 All right. 40 00:02:52,428 --> 00:02:54,470 Sometimes you need a second opinion 41 00:02:54,553 --> 00:02:57,178 with doctors, real estate, men. 42 00:02:57,261 --> 00:02:58,261 Well? 43 00:02:58,886 --> 00:03:00,303 I have no idea. 44 00:03:01,053 --> 00:03:03,595 And I finished first in my litigation class. 45 00:03:04,386 --> 00:03:09,511 How pathetic do I feel asking you if a guy kind of likes me? 46 00:03:10,595 --> 00:03:11,845 There you are. 47 00:03:12,178 --> 00:03:13,178 - Hey. - Hey. 48 00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:14,303 Hi. 49 00:03:14,845 --> 00:03:16,845 Carrie, Miranda, 50 00:03:16,928 --> 00:03:20,053 this is the hottest chef in New York, Jon. 51 00:03:20,553 --> 00:03:24,053 Jon. J-O-N. No "H," no last name. 52 00:03:24,136 --> 00:03:26,678 His blue crab strudel was so fabulous, he didn't need one. 53 00:03:27,095 --> 00:03:29,553 And this is his very cute friend, Sam. 54 00:03:29,636 --> 00:03:30,636 Hey! 55 00:03:30,970 --> 00:03:32,928 Sam? Who's named Sam? 56 00:03:33,011 --> 00:03:35,470 Me. Can I get you a drink? 57 00:03:35,553 --> 00:03:37,761 Oh, good luck. The bar is packed. 58 00:03:37,845 --> 00:03:40,220 No problem, 'cause the bartender's a buddy of mine. 59 00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:42,136 - Miranda? - Martini. 60 00:03:42,220 --> 00:03:43,345 Twenty-something guys 61 00:03:43,428 --> 00:03:46,053 always know the really important "B" people. 62 00:03:47,386 --> 00:03:49,345 Busboys, bouncers. 63 00:03:49,428 --> 00:03:51,136 Plus, they have cute butts. 64 00:03:51,220 --> 00:03:52,261 Mmm. 65 00:03:52,345 --> 00:03:55,011 That's the Times critic. I'd better go. 66 00:04:10,011 --> 00:04:11,595 Did I mention I'm sleeping with him? 67 00:04:15,678 --> 00:04:17,011 Skipper! 68 00:04:19,553 --> 00:04:21,345 He's lost. We gotta get him. 69 00:04:24,053 --> 00:04:25,136 They stopped making martinis, 70 00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:27,095 so I got us two rum and Cokes. Is that okay? 71 00:04:27,511 --> 00:04:29,720 Well, I hate rum and I hate Coke. 72 00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:32,261 - But thanks. - Martinis, ladies. 73 00:04:32,345 --> 00:04:35,720 - Wow. Look at you. - I was a waiter at TGIF. 74 00:04:36,136 --> 00:04:37,428 Fabulous. 75 00:04:40,053 --> 00:04:41,428 - Hey. - Hey. 76 00:04:41,761 --> 00:04:43,220 - Sam. - Skipper. 77 00:04:43,303 --> 00:04:44,428 - Hey. - Hey. 78 00:04:44,761 --> 00:04:46,595 They liked each other immediately. 79 00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:48,720 You wanna see something? 80 00:04:53,886 --> 00:04:55,470 Can you narrow that down a little bit? 81 00:04:57,803 --> 00:04:59,136 Wait, I didn't even… 82 00:05:00,761 --> 00:05:03,386 No fair. Do it over. Let me see. 83 00:05:06,595 --> 00:05:07,886 - Hey! - Hey. 84 00:05:07,970 --> 00:05:10,928 - It's you. - I've been looking all over for you. 85 00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:13,720 Here you are, holding a tongue. 86 00:05:14,345 --> 00:05:16,136 Well, your message said you weren't coming. 87 00:05:16,220 --> 00:05:18,386 I thought I said I'd try to make it for an hour. 88 00:05:18,470 --> 00:05:20,053 Well, yeah, but then you said that… 89 00:05:20,136 --> 00:05:22,970 - What did I say? - Never mind. Never mind. 90 00:05:23,053 --> 00:05:24,886 You're here, you have an hour. Let's have a drink. 91 00:05:24,970 --> 00:05:27,261 Well, I was outside trying to get in for 30 minutes, 92 00:05:27,345 --> 00:05:28,761 inside looking for you for 20 minutes, 93 00:05:28,845 --> 00:05:33,428 so that leaves me with just enough time to tell you that I'm out of time. 94 00:05:34,553 --> 00:05:35,636 You have fun. 95 00:05:36,095 --> 00:05:38,178 Men in their 40s are like the New York Times 96 00:05:38,261 --> 00:05:39,511 Sunday crossword puzzle. 97 00:05:39,595 --> 00:05:40,845 Tricky, complicated, 98 00:05:40,928 --> 00:05:43,720 and you're never really sure you've got the right answer. 99 00:05:43,803 --> 00:05:45,095 This place is tired. 100 00:05:47,178 --> 00:05:49,636 - Do you want to get out of here? - Sure. 101 00:05:53,386 --> 00:05:54,511 Why not? 102 00:05:55,386 --> 00:05:57,095 A short cab ride later, 103 00:05:57,178 --> 00:05:59,470 Samantha, Jon "no H", Sam and I 104 00:05:59,553 --> 00:06:01,845 found ourselves at the nearby twenty-something club. 105 00:06:03,636 --> 00:06:06,011 I can't believe you made Jon leave his own opening. 106 00:06:06,095 --> 00:06:09,761 He is way too happening to be seen someplace borderline tired. 107 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:14,553 It was a tough town. Hot places had the life span of a medfly. 108 00:06:14,636 --> 00:06:18,345 Samantha, everybody in here is in their 20s. 109 00:06:18,428 --> 00:06:20,345 And so are we. 110 00:06:20,428 --> 00:06:24,053 As I glanced around the room, I was amazed at the wide variety 111 00:06:24,136 --> 00:06:26,178 of great 20-something guys. 112 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,553 The groovy guy. 113 00:06:29,428 --> 00:06:30,928 The corporate guy. 114 00:06:32,136 --> 00:06:33,595 The jock guy. 115 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:36,053 The underage guy. 116 00:06:40,970 --> 00:06:42,178 Oh, there you are. 117 00:06:42,261 --> 00:06:43,803 How are you? 118 00:06:45,178 --> 00:06:47,720 - I see you found us. - Big couch. 119 00:06:47,803 --> 00:06:49,178 Oh, here. 120 00:06:51,928 --> 00:06:53,553 Oh. Ooh! 121 00:06:57,678 --> 00:06:59,011 That'll work. 122 00:07:00,470 --> 00:07:02,386 I'm not too heavy, I don't weigh too much? 123 00:07:02,470 --> 00:07:04,261 Right. You weigh, like, nothing. 124 00:07:04,636 --> 00:07:06,553 What's cuter than that? 125 00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:10,095 As we took a swig from our pony-necked beers, 126 00:07:10,178 --> 00:07:12,886 I remembered another type of 20-something guy. 127 00:07:12,970 --> 00:07:16,470 So, what's it like to kiss with that thing in? 128 00:07:17,678 --> 00:07:20,011 You wanna find out? 129 00:07:23,886 --> 00:07:26,053 The really good kisser guy. 130 00:07:40,095 --> 00:07:41,136 Hello? 131 00:07:41,636 --> 00:07:43,970 - I am so fucked. - What's wrong? 132 00:07:44,053 --> 00:07:45,553 No, I mean, literally. 133 00:07:45,636 --> 00:07:48,261 I have been fucked every way you can be fucked. 134 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,761 If you keep talking like that, I'm gonna have to charge you by the minute. 135 00:07:51,845 --> 00:07:54,345 As I searched for my morning Marlboro Light, 136 00:07:54,428 --> 00:07:57,761 Samantha proceeded to give me a rundown of her night with Jon 137 00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,720 no "H," no inhibitions. 138 00:07:59,803 --> 00:08:05,303 We did it with him on top, me on top, me on my side. 139 00:08:06,136 --> 00:08:09,470 - Him on his side? - Oh, God, yes. 140 00:08:09,553 --> 00:08:12,886 On his back, on his side, on his face. 141 00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:16,178 - Have you ever done that? - It's too early to remember. 142 00:08:16,261 --> 00:08:18,845 Well, do it immediately. It is fabulous. 143 00:08:18,928 --> 00:08:21,303 These guys in their 20s, they are up for anything. 144 00:08:21,636 --> 00:08:24,636 How did it go with you and Sam? 145 00:08:25,011 --> 00:08:28,345 - We kissed. - Just kissed? 146 00:08:29,095 --> 00:08:31,970 No. We just kissed for five hours 147 00:08:32,553 --> 00:08:35,678 at the club, in front of the club, on the corner of the club. 148 00:08:36,261 --> 00:08:38,803 I forgot how much fun it is to just kiss, you know, 149 00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,845 even if I did only get two hours sleep. 150 00:08:40,928 --> 00:08:43,553 I didn't sleep at all. 151 00:08:43,970 --> 00:08:46,386 As Samantha went on about her sexual escapades, 152 00:08:46,470 --> 00:08:48,595 I glanced down at my arm. 153 00:08:48,678 --> 00:08:53,136 There it was in Bic blue, 20-something Sam's phone number. 154 00:08:53,470 --> 00:08:56,636 I had this sudden urge to call, but I'd just left him. 155 00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:00,303 Hell, my lips were still swollen. Why this sudden craving? 156 00:09:01,095 --> 00:09:03,470 Are men in their 20s the new designer drug? 157 00:09:04,636 --> 00:09:08,136 Yes, Samantha, Miranda and I were all recreational users, 158 00:09:08,220 --> 00:09:10,970 but were we getting into something we couldn't handle? 159 00:09:11,053 --> 00:09:14,678 Okay, we were attracted to younger men for various reasons. 160 00:09:14,761 --> 00:09:17,636 But I couldn't help but wonder… What do they see in us? 161 00:09:19,053 --> 00:09:21,636 Women in their thirties are just so grateful. 162 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:24,553 It's like every bullshit nice thing you do, 163 00:09:24,636 --> 00:09:26,136 is like throwing food to the starving. 164 00:09:28,928 --> 00:09:30,553 Take your shot! 165 00:09:32,345 --> 00:09:34,470 They give great head and know a lot about wine. 166 00:09:38,886 --> 00:09:40,220 They remind me of my mom. 167 00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:49,553 They know who they are and what they want, and I like that. 168 00:09:53,136 --> 00:09:55,220 Take it. Come on. Take it, man. 169 00:09:57,136 --> 00:09:59,303 - Fuck! - Two words, smart pussy. 170 00:10:01,386 --> 00:10:02,428 Shoot it! 171 00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:06,303 Later that week, Miranda and I compared notes. 172 00:10:06,386 --> 00:10:08,511 Shouldn't we be dating men our own age? 173 00:10:08,595 --> 00:10:09,928 Good luck finding one. 174 00:10:10,011 --> 00:10:13,095 There are no available men in their thirties in New York. 175 00:10:13,178 --> 00:10:15,511 Giuliani had them removed along with the homeless. 176 00:10:17,053 --> 00:10:18,720 Also, then what's really going on here? 177 00:10:18,803 --> 00:10:21,470 I mean, is it younger men feel safer? 178 00:10:21,553 --> 00:10:23,928 What's really going on here is sex. 179 00:10:24,011 --> 00:10:26,011 Good old-fashioned, eager-to-please, 180 00:10:26,095 --> 00:10:28,595 do-what-l-tell-you-to, Eagle Scout sex. 181 00:10:28,678 --> 00:10:31,720 Yeah, but I'm not having sex. It's a kissing thing. 182 00:10:31,803 --> 00:10:34,595 So what's the big deal? It's just a fling. 183 00:10:34,678 --> 00:10:37,095 It's not like we're throwing out our schedules or anything. 184 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,220 - Oh, sweetie, I gotta go. - Yeah? 185 00:10:39,303 --> 00:10:40,803 I'm late for a meeting with my editor. 186 00:10:40,886 --> 00:10:42,136 - Oh. Bye! - Bye! 187 00:10:44,761 --> 00:10:47,011 I didn't wanna tell her I cancelled lunch with my editor 188 00:10:47,095 --> 00:10:50,136 to go to Banana Republic and help twenty-something Sam pick out a shirt. 189 00:10:54,553 --> 00:10:55,553 Here. 190 00:10:57,178 --> 00:10:59,261 As I helped him try them on, I thought, 191 00:11:00,136 --> 00:11:03,345 "He's sweet, he's fun, and I think he likes me. 192 00:11:03,428 --> 00:11:07,553 Could he be more than a fling? Could he be a potential boyfriend?" 193 00:11:07,636 --> 00:11:09,011 Please. 194 00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:11,803 This isn't the Gap. 195 00:11:15,220 --> 00:11:17,720 And speaking of potential boyfriends, 196 00:11:17,803 --> 00:11:20,470 later that week the "crossword puzzle" asked me 197 00:11:20,553 --> 00:11:22,553 to meet him for a drink, blank. 198 00:11:22,636 --> 00:11:25,678 Not quite a date, five letters, starts with a "T". 199 00:11:30,220 --> 00:11:32,511 Yeah. Whoever this is, I can't talk. I'm late for a drink thing. 200 00:11:32,595 --> 00:11:35,678 I just need five minutes. I'm meeting Brian later and don't know what to do. 201 00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:38,261 - About what? - Well, last night, 202 00:11:38,345 --> 00:11:41,470 after a movie, we're walking down Second Avenue and we just passed… 203 00:11:41,553 --> 00:11:43,386 - Four minutes, Charlotte. - Okay. 204 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:46,261 I can't just blurt out what he asked me. It's embarrassing. 205 00:11:46,345 --> 00:11:49,011 What? What did the perfect boyfriend ask? 206 00:11:51,553 --> 00:11:53,386 Meet me in front of your apartment in ten minutes. 207 00:11:56,970 --> 00:12:00,595 Okay, words are essential. Tell me exactly how he worded it. 208 00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:03,136 "We've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks. 209 00:12:03,220 --> 00:12:04,345 I really like you. 210 00:12:04,428 --> 00:12:06,178 And tomorrow night after dinner, 211 00:12:06,553 --> 00:12:08,178 I want us to have anal sex. 212 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,303 Okay, next stop is gonna be 62nd and Madison. 213 00:12:11,386 --> 00:12:13,636 - 62nd and Madison? - We're picking up Miranda. 214 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,053 - No, God, no. - Yes. 215 00:12:15,136 --> 00:12:17,178 - And then we're picking up Samantha. - Oh, Carrie, no. 216 00:12:17,261 --> 00:12:18,163 Sweetie, listen. 217 00:12:18,178 --> 00:12:19,470 You need all the girl support you can get, 218 00:12:19,553 --> 00:12:21,053 and I'm late for drinks with Big. 219 00:12:21,136 --> 00:12:22,595 Oh, that's great. 220 00:12:22,678 --> 00:12:25,095 Even in her state of abject blackness, 221 00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:27,303 Charlotte was a dating optimist. 222 00:12:27,386 --> 00:12:29,095 It all depends. How much do you like him? 223 00:12:29,178 --> 00:12:30,511 A lot. 224 00:12:30,595 --> 00:12:33,095 "Dating a few months until somebody better comes along" a lot 225 00:12:33,178 --> 00:12:35,261 or "marrying and moving to East Hampton" a lot? 226 00:12:35,345 --> 00:12:37,053 I don't know. I'm not sure. 227 00:12:37,136 --> 00:12:39,053 Well, you better get sure real quick. 228 00:12:39,136 --> 00:12:40,428 - You're scaring me. - Okay. 229 00:12:40,511 --> 00:12:41,511 Don't scare her. 230 00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,345 It's all about control. 231 00:12:43,428 --> 00:12:45,761 If he goes up there, there's gonna be a shift in power. 232 00:12:45,845 --> 00:12:47,845 Either he'll have the upper hand or you will. 233 00:12:47,928 --> 00:12:51,261 Now there's a certain camp that believes whoever holds the dick holds the power. 234 00:12:51,345 --> 00:12:53,636 But… Hello! You're driving. 235 00:12:54,928 --> 00:12:56,636 The question is, 236 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,803 if he goes up your butt, will he respect you more or respect you less? 237 00:12:59,886 --> 00:13:02,386 - That's the issue. - No smoking in cab. 238 00:13:03,845 --> 00:13:06,386 Sir, we're talking "up the butt." A cigarette is in order. 239 00:13:07,303 --> 00:13:10,178 Front, back, who cares? A hole is a hole. 240 00:13:10,261 --> 00:13:12,553 - Can I quote you? - Oh, don't be so judgmental. 241 00:13:12,636 --> 00:13:15,636 - You could use a little back door. - I'm not a hole. 242 00:13:16,095 --> 00:13:17,220 Honey, we know. 243 00:13:17,303 --> 00:13:20,386 Look. All I'm saying is that this is a physical expression 244 00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:23,136 that the body was designed to experience. 245 00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:25,053 And PS, it's fabulous. 246 00:13:25,678 --> 00:13:28,178 What are you talking about? I went to Smith. 247 00:13:28,261 --> 00:13:30,470 Look, I'm just saying, with the right guy 248 00:13:30,553 --> 00:13:33,053 and the right lubricant… 249 00:13:37,136 --> 00:13:38,470 What was that? 250 00:13:39,011 --> 00:13:40,261 A preview. 251 00:13:47,136 --> 00:13:48,178 Thanks. 252 00:13:52,178 --> 00:13:55,303 Well, I can't believe it. 253 00:13:55,636 --> 00:14:00,011 Same time, same place. Just you and me. 254 00:14:01,053 --> 00:14:03,470 Well, sort of. 255 00:14:04,303 --> 00:14:05,761 Meet my friend, Jack. 256 00:14:08,053 --> 00:14:09,845 Oh, hi. How are you? 257 00:14:11,386 --> 00:14:13,178 Marvelous. Going through my second divorce. 258 00:14:13,261 --> 00:14:15,678 Bitch is getting everything the first bitch didn't. 259 00:14:16,011 --> 00:14:19,803 There he was, right in the middle of my drink thing… 260 00:14:19,886 --> 00:14:21,345 Mr. Marvelous. 261 00:14:22,345 --> 00:14:25,845 Jesus. Look at that beautiful woman. 262 00:14:26,970 --> 00:14:29,803 I'm gonna go ask her to join us for dinner. Excuse me. 263 00:14:29,886 --> 00:14:30,928 Okay. 264 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,220 He… called me crying. 265 00:14:45,345 --> 00:14:46,470 Do you forgive me? 266 00:14:48,886 --> 00:14:49,970 Here's what. 267 00:14:54,553 --> 00:14:56,803 Why don't you two have a guy's night. 268 00:14:56,886 --> 00:14:59,928 You know, talk, cry, shoot bear. 269 00:15:00,011 --> 00:15:02,011 I'm way behind on my column anyway. 270 00:15:03,053 --> 00:15:05,678 Here. Next round on me. 271 00:15:06,345 --> 00:15:08,303 We'll do our thing another time. 272 00:15:09,761 --> 00:15:10,928 Are you sure? 273 00:15:14,428 --> 00:15:16,386 Abso-fucking-lutely. 274 00:15:17,345 --> 00:15:19,511 I didn't know what I was supposed to feel. 275 00:15:19,595 --> 00:15:22,261 Confused? Sad? Rejected? 276 00:15:23,095 --> 00:15:25,428 I decided to walk to clear my head. 277 00:15:25,511 --> 00:15:27,720 Also, I just left my cab fare on the table. 278 00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:33,053 So I walked. I walked 48 blocks in $400 shoes. 279 00:15:39,761 --> 00:15:41,803 I just needed something to take the edge off. 280 00:15:46,678 --> 00:15:48,720 A little kiss to make me feel better. 281 00:16:04,261 --> 00:16:08,095 But now, it wasn't working. I wasn't getting the same rush. 282 00:16:08,511 --> 00:16:10,303 Tonight, I needed more. 283 00:16:11,595 --> 00:16:12,720 Meanwhile uptown, 284 00:16:12,803 --> 00:16:16,220 Charlotte wondered when relationships had gotten so complicated. 285 00:16:16,303 --> 00:16:20,095 She yearned for the time when dinner was followed by dessert, not lubricant. 286 00:16:21,261 --> 00:16:23,303 I… I can't, Brian. I can't. 287 00:16:23,386 --> 00:16:26,928 I want to, but I can't. I mean, actually… 288 00:16:27,011 --> 00:16:29,095 No, that's not true. I don't want to. Or maybe I do. 289 00:16:29,178 --> 00:16:30,178 I don't know what I want, 290 00:16:30,261 --> 00:16:32,095 but I'm afraid if I don't you'll dump me. 291 00:16:32,178 --> 00:16:34,636 And if I do, then I'll be the "up the butt" girl. 292 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,470 And I don't wanna be the "up the butt" girl because… 293 00:16:36,553 --> 00:16:38,303 I mean, men don't marry the "up the butt" girl. 294 00:16:38,386 --> 00:16:40,970 Whoever heard of Mrs. Up The Butt? No, no, no. 295 00:16:41,053 --> 00:16:42,261 I can't. 296 00:16:42,678 --> 00:16:46,845 I want children and nice bedding and I just can't handle this right now. 297 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:50,136 Can we fuck the regular way? 298 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,345 Yes, please. 299 00:16:59,261 --> 00:17:02,261 That night, they made love the Charlotte way. 300 00:17:02,345 --> 00:17:06,803 Polite and respectful on 300-count Egyptian cotton sheets. 301 00:17:08,303 --> 00:17:10,136 Meanwhile downtown… 302 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,470 That was really great. 303 00:17:18,261 --> 00:17:20,470 - You know… - Yeah? 304 00:17:20,553 --> 00:17:22,720 …when you lay like that… 305 00:17:23,386 --> 00:17:26,011 you have the cutest little wrinkles in your neck. 306 00:17:26,886 --> 00:17:30,303 Samantha realized as long as she dated someone younger, 307 00:17:30,386 --> 00:17:32,220 she would always be older. 308 00:17:32,845 --> 00:17:35,428 She gave up 20-somethings right then and there. 309 00:17:35,511 --> 00:17:37,428 As Samantha went cold turkey, 310 00:17:39,386 --> 00:17:41,511 I got in deeper and deeper. 311 00:17:49,803 --> 00:17:52,095 - That was… - Totally awesome. 312 00:17:52,178 --> 00:17:54,553 I was hooked. Gone. 313 00:17:54,636 --> 00:17:56,928 Who cares about age, crossword puzzles, 314 00:17:57,011 --> 00:17:59,053 the cab money I'd left on the table? 315 00:17:59,136 --> 00:18:02,595 This felt so good, I'd do anything to keep this high. 316 00:18:02,678 --> 00:18:05,303 And just when I thought I couldn't get any higher, 317 00:18:05,928 --> 00:18:07,261 he spooned me. 318 00:18:17,303 --> 00:18:20,595 I woke up wanting more, or maybe not. 319 00:18:21,303 --> 00:18:25,386 In the gray morning light, everything looked completely different. 320 00:18:26,678 --> 00:18:30,761 Candles from Urban Outfitter, dirty laundry, a pizza box. 321 00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:33,220 Suddenly, reality hit. 322 00:18:34,053 --> 00:18:35,928 I'm in a 20-something apartment. 323 00:18:38,178 --> 00:18:40,428 - Good morning, babe. - Good morning. 324 00:18:40,886 --> 00:18:43,345 Fuck! I had this amazing dream. 325 00:18:44,553 --> 00:18:49,178 My father and my ex-girlfriend were, like, dead or something. 326 00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:51,636 How are you doing? It's good to see you. 327 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,928 - Coffee. I need coffee. - It's in the kitchen. 328 00:18:55,011 --> 00:18:59,928 And I had these big hands, like big aluminum hands. 329 00:19:01,553 --> 00:19:04,636 And I lived in this, like, big missile silo 330 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,553 that was totally nuclear, 331 00:19:06,636 --> 00:19:10,011 and it was surrounded by, like, my enemies and shit. 332 00:19:10,095 --> 00:19:14,303 And one by one, they'd run at me! I mean, they got inside somehow. 333 00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:17,386 I don't remember, but they would, like, run at me 334 00:19:17,470 --> 00:19:21,470 and I would crush them to pieces with my big aluminum hands. 335 00:19:21,553 --> 00:19:23,386 I crushed this one guy. 336 00:19:23,470 --> 00:19:27,970 He had no face and stuff, but I crushed him. 337 00:19:29,011 --> 00:19:32,470 I could crush anything with these big fucking hands, man. 338 00:19:32,553 --> 00:19:35,095 You don't have any coffee… 339 00:19:35,178 --> 00:19:37,928 - You don't have any coffee filters. - I'll make that. That's all right. 340 00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:40,845 Oh! You were in the dream 341 00:19:40,928 --> 00:19:45,053 as this beautiful unicorn woman with glass eyes. 342 00:19:45,636 --> 00:19:47,720 You, coffee. Me, bathroom. 343 00:19:47,803 --> 00:19:50,636 That would make a kick-ass song, wouldn't it? 344 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,678 Unicorn woman. 345 00:19:52,761 --> 00:19:53,845 Coffee. 346 00:20:00,970 --> 00:20:02,761 Oh, that's my roommate. 347 00:20:04,928 --> 00:20:08,011 Every fiber in my 30-something being was screaming, 348 00:20:08,095 --> 00:20:10,303 "Get out! You're too old for this." 349 00:20:10,386 --> 00:20:12,303 And just when I thought I couldn't sink any lower… 350 00:20:15,345 --> 00:20:17,178 I need toilet paper! 351 00:20:18,178 --> 00:20:20,761 I'm just using the last of it to make the coffee. 352 00:20:27,761 --> 00:20:29,886 I decided the only way to break free 353 00:20:29,970 --> 00:20:32,928 was to move from one addiction to an even bigger one. 354 00:20:34,928 --> 00:20:36,011 Shoes. 355 00:20:38,011 --> 00:20:40,761 A couple of blocks and way too much money later, 356 00:20:40,845 --> 00:20:44,595 I realized I had just entered an interesting chapter in my life. 357 00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:46,595 I had outgrown the boys of my past 358 00:20:46,678 --> 00:20:48,845 and not quite grown into the men of my future. 359 00:20:48,928 --> 00:20:50,053 Hey! 360 00:20:51,178 --> 00:20:53,345 - Hi. How are you? - Hello. 361 00:20:53,428 --> 00:20:56,553 Why is it in a city of ten million men, 362 00:20:56,636 --> 00:20:59,970 you always see the one you don't want and never see the one you… 363 00:21:00,303 --> 00:21:01,928 - Hi! - Hi. 364 00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:05,136 What are you doing down there? 365 00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:08,178 Oh, it's a wobbly table. Guess I have the touch. 366 00:21:08,261 --> 00:21:09,595 Would you care to join us? 367 00:21:10,178 --> 00:21:11,511 Hinge. 368 00:21:12,261 --> 00:21:14,053 - What? - Your crossword puzzle. 369 00:21:14,136 --> 00:21:17,386 Five-letter word. "To bring together." Hinge. 370 00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:20,095 Well, nice seeing you. Bye. 371 00:21:20,178 --> 00:21:22,095 - Bye. - Excuse me. 372 00:21:22,636 --> 00:21:26,928 Uh, hey, just so you know, I would've gotten hinge on my own. 373 00:21:27,345 --> 00:21:29,595 - Maybe. - I have no doubt. 374 00:21:30,095 --> 00:21:31,970 Now that I've got Jack hooked up, I'm single again. 375 00:21:32,053 --> 00:21:33,386 Maybe we could have dinner sometime. 376 00:21:34,261 --> 00:21:37,886 Hmm, I don't know. I'm good at crossword puzzles. 377 00:21:37,970 --> 00:21:40,178 I'm just not so good at people puzzles. 378 00:21:41,053 --> 00:21:42,261 Anywhere you want. 379 00:21:42,636 --> 00:21:43,845 Just you and me. 380 00:21:45,928 --> 00:21:47,053 Call me. 381 00:21:49,470 --> 00:21:50,970 As I walked away, I had a thought. 382 00:21:51,303 --> 00:21:53,178 Maybe all men are a drug. 383 00:21:53,261 --> 00:21:54,678 Sometimes they bring you down 384 00:21:54,761 --> 00:21:58,386 and sometimes, like now, they get you so high. 385 00:22:00,511 --> 00:22:01,678 Damn. 386 00:22:02,011 --> 00:22:04,511 It would've been so cool if I hadn't looked back.