1 00:00:48,370 --> 00:00:51,370 Two years ago, my friend Susan Sharon, 2 00:00:51,453 --> 00:00:54,911 the East Coast rep for a line of Italian cashmere sportswear, 3 00:00:54,995 --> 00:00:56,620 married a very mean man. 4 00:00:56,703 --> 00:00:59,286 What did I tell you about listening to my CDs? 5 00:00:59,911 --> 00:01:04,495 You put Natalie Imbruglia back in U2! 6 00:01:05,328 --> 00:01:07,536 Now, I only see her once or twice a year, 7 00:01:07,620 --> 00:01:09,870 generally when her husband's out of town. 8 00:01:09,953 --> 00:01:13,453 And now, I cannot remember if I've taken my Halcion before dinner or not. 9 00:01:13,536 --> 00:01:15,453 So I take another one, I have a cocktail, 10 00:01:15,536 --> 00:01:16,870 I'm feeling no pain. 11 00:01:16,953 --> 00:01:20,745 The next thing I know, this freaked out stewardess is slapping me awake. 12 00:01:20,828 --> 00:01:22,245 Senora! Senora! 13 00:01:22,328 --> 00:01:23,995 Buona sera! Buona sera! 14 00:01:24,911 --> 00:01:28,495 So, I open my eyes, I look around the plane, it's completely empty. 15 00:01:29,078 --> 00:01:30,870 Turns out, we landed in Milan 30 minutes ago. 16 00:01:30,953 --> 00:01:32,203 Oh, my God. 17 00:01:32,620 --> 00:01:33,620 Oh, you know what? 18 00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:35,661 Come up to my apartment 'cause I have something for you. 19 00:01:39,245 --> 00:01:41,661 Oh, wow! The place looks fantastic… 20 00:01:41,786 --> 00:01:44,745 Richard's asleep. 21 00:01:44,995 --> 00:01:46,495 Oh… In here? Okay. 22 00:01:47,328 --> 00:01:50,786 Susan Sharon and her husband had one of those very adult apartments 23 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:54,078 that made me feel like I was about 16, visiting the home of a friend 24 00:01:54,161 --> 00:01:56,536 whose parents thought I was a bad influence. 25 00:01:58,411 --> 00:02:01,578 Happy birthday, Carrie. Happy birthday, Carrie. 26 00:02:01,661 --> 00:02:02,870 You didn't have to. 27 00:02:02,953 --> 00:02:04,703 I know it's a little early. 28 00:02:04,786 --> 00:02:06,078 Oh, jeez. 29 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,661 Oh, Susan Sharon, it's beautiful. 30 00:02:11,745 --> 00:02:14,870 It's 100% Italian cashmere and light as a feather. 31 00:02:14,995 --> 00:02:16,536 God, I love it. 32 00:02:16,828 --> 00:02:18,411 It's a "cashmere-ical." 33 00:02:18,953 --> 00:02:20,786 You wouldn't believe what Barneys gets for this. 34 00:02:20,870 --> 00:02:21,771 Oh, don't tell me. 35 00:02:21,786 --> 00:02:25,078 - $900. - $900 for a scarf? No. 36 00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:26,995 Oh, no! 37 00:02:27,745 --> 00:02:29,911 Do you mind if I return it? I could really use the cash. 38 00:02:29,995 --> 00:02:31,120 Oh, why not? 39 00:02:31,203 --> 00:02:32,578 Why do you think they call it "cash-mere"? 40 00:02:36,661 --> 00:02:39,661 - What the hell is going on? - Sorry, honey. 41 00:02:40,036 --> 00:02:41,828 But Carrie had this idea about returning… 42 00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:46,328 What was our agreement about visitors after 9:00 pm? 43 00:02:46,703 --> 00:02:47,953 I know, it's just that it's her birthday… 44 00:02:48,036 --> 00:02:49,786 I'm on London time! 45 00:02:50,245 --> 00:02:53,661 I've got to be up in three hours when the markets open. 46 00:02:54,036 --> 00:02:58,786 So I'd really appreciate it if you take the fucking noise somewhere else. 47 00:02:58,911 --> 00:03:00,453 Okay, sweetie. I'm gonna give you a call, okay? 48 00:03:00,536 --> 00:03:02,411 Okay, you know what? Just ignore him. You don't have to leave. 49 00:03:02,495 --> 00:03:04,161 It's okay. It's okay. 50 00:03:07,078 --> 00:03:10,078 - Goodnight, Grumpy. - Get the fuck out of my house! 51 00:03:10,161 --> 00:03:14,120 Taunting the psychotic spouse, I realized, was not a wise move. 52 00:03:14,203 --> 00:03:15,786 Just shut the fuck up! 53 00:03:18,995 --> 00:03:21,953 I wondered, could Susan Sharon's marriage be that bad, 54 00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:24,995 or was their fighting just a form of foreplay? 55 00:03:25,245 --> 00:03:28,411 In which case, I was merely the catalyst to get things going. 56 00:03:34,786 --> 00:03:35,911 Hello. 57 00:03:35,995 --> 00:03:37,703 I am so sorry. 58 00:03:37,953 --> 00:03:39,203 I'm so embarrassed. 59 00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:40,286 No, don't be. 60 00:03:40,370 --> 00:03:43,328 He's just… He's just tired and cranky. 61 00:03:43,411 --> 00:03:45,078 That was classic Richard. 62 00:03:45,203 --> 00:03:49,661 Tyrannical, emotionally abusive. I don't know what to do anymore. 63 00:03:49,953 --> 00:03:52,911 Well… Maybe there were special circumstances tonight. 64 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:54,021 He works hard. 65 00:03:54,036 --> 00:03:55,120 He's sleep deprived. 66 00:03:55,203 --> 00:03:57,245 Blah, blah, blah. I don't give a shit! 67 00:04:00,911 --> 00:04:02,453 What would you do if you were with a guy like that? 68 00:04:02,536 --> 00:04:03,536 Would you leave? 69 00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:05,786 Well… you know, If things didn't change… 70 00:04:05,911 --> 00:04:07,078 Well, they haven't, 71 00:04:07,828 --> 00:04:08,870 and they won't. 72 00:04:11,036 --> 00:04:13,036 So, you think I should leave him? 73 00:04:13,953 --> 00:04:17,078 If you're not happy, you know, life's too short. 74 00:04:17,286 --> 00:04:19,661 I gotta go. 75 00:04:19,745 --> 00:04:21,245 As I hung up, I realized 76 00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:25,078 I had just been placed in a classic no-win situation. 77 00:04:25,328 --> 00:04:28,620 Telling a friend to leave her husband is something you just don't do. 78 00:04:28,870 --> 00:04:30,953 If she does break up with him, it's your fault. 79 00:04:31,078 --> 00:04:32,453 If she doesn't break up with him, 80 00:04:32,536 --> 00:04:33,828 she knows that you think that she should, 81 00:04:33,911 --> 00:04:35,911 and therefore, can never speak to you again. 82 00:04:35,995 --> 00:04:37,661 Either way, you're screwed. 83 00:04:37,786 --> 00:04:40,578 Which is a shame, because there goes your cashmere connection. 84 00:04:40,661 --> 00:04:41,828 She had me at a weak moment. 85 00:04:41,911 --> 00:04:44,703 I was tired, I'd been chased out of her apartment. 86 00:04:44,828 --> 00:04:46,411 I have a birthday looming. 87 00:04:47,953 --> 00:04:49,120 I said too much. 88 00:04:49,203 --> 00:04:51,703 No, I just think in an intimate relationship 89 00:04:51,828 --> 00:04:54,495 - you should be able to say anything. - I would highly disagree. 90 00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:58,495 Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies 91 00:04:58,661 --> 00:05:00,245 and mutually-accepted delusion. 92 00:05:00,953 --> 00:05:02,495 James and me, for instance. 93 00:05:02,578 --> 00:05:05,578 I pretend that he doesn't have a small dick and… 94 00:05:05,828 --> 00:05:08,578 He pretends not to notice we haven't had sex for three weeks. 95 00:05:08,661 --> 00:05:10,078 You should be working for the UN. 96 00:05:10,161 --> 00:05:12,953 I happen to be in an intimate relationship at the moment, 97 00:05:13,036 --> 00:05:16,120 and I can tell you, that the level of verbal discourse 98 00:05:16,203 --> 00:05:18,453 has become a little too intimate. 99 00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:22,245 - Are we speaking of Spring Roll Guy? - Spring Roll Guy? Who's that? 100 00:05:22,370 --> 00:05:23,370 Aaron Melman. 101 00:05:23,411 --> 00:05:24,578 He's a dermatologist I met 102 00:05:24,661 --> 00:05:27,078 at the Vietnamese lunch truck outside my building. 103 00:05:27,203 --> 00:05:28,328 So, what's the problem? 104 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,536 The problem, if you can call it that, 105 00:05:30,661 --> 00:05:33,745 is Spring Roll Guy liked to talk dirty in bed. 106 00:05:33,870 --> 00:05:37,578 Oh, baby, I just love the way your pussy feels. 107 00:05:37,953 --> 00:05:39,036 So wet… 108 00:05:39,161 --> 00:05:40,328 and warm… 109 00:05:40,411 --> 00:05:41,620 and tight. 110 00:05:42,870 --> 00:05:46,703 Kissing your beautiful tits feels unbelievably sexy. 111 00:05:46,995 --> 00:05:48,870 So hot and nasty. 112 00:05:49,203 --> 00:05:50,495 How's it feel to you? 113 00:05:50,870 --> 00:05:52,370 Umm… 114 00:05:52,536 --> 00:05:53,870 What you said. 115 00:05:54,036 --> 00:05:55,870 That can be a turn on. 116 00:05:55,995 --> 00:05:59,703 Sure, but now he wants me to reciprocate, and I can't. 117 00:05:59,786 --> 00:06:01,703 - I never could. - Why not? 118 00:06:01,786 --> 00:06:04,911 Because sex is not a time to chat. 119 00:06:05,370 --> 00:06:07,411 In fact, it's one of the few instances 120 00:06:07,495 --> 00:06:10,328 in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life 121 00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:13,995 where it is perfectly appropriate, if not preferable, to shut up. 122 00:06:14,203 --> 00:06:17,328 And now suddenly I have to worry about being stumped for conversation? 123 00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:18,411 No, thank you. 124 00:06:18,453 --> 00:06:20,245 Just keep talking about his big cock. 125 00:06:20,536 --> 00:06:23,495 Correction, his big, beautiful cock. 126 00:06:23,578 --> 00:06:25,828 - We're using the "C" word now? - Sorry. 127 00:06:25,911 --> 00:06:27,203 I can't use adjectives. 128 00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:29,620 A simple, "You're so hard," is often quite effective. 129 00:06:30,203 --> 00:06:32,661 Sometimes men just need to hear a little encouragement. 130 00:06:32,745 --> 00:06:33,730 Such as? 131 00:06:33,745 --> 00:06:34,745 You know… 132 00:06:34,786 --> 00:06:37,245 "Yes, stud, that's right. Uh-huh. 133 00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:40,745 Don't stop, just like that. Come on, fucker, don't stop." 134 00:06:41,953 --> 00:06:43,828 You're kidding, right? 135 00:06:43,911 --> 00:06:45,203 Wow! 136 00:06:45,286 --> 00:06:46,453 No, they like it. 137 00:06:47,536 --> 00:06:49,995 So, are you really telling us 138 00:06:50,453 --> 00:06:52,995 that during sex you're just… you're completely mute? 139 00:06:53,078 --> 00:06:56,203 No, I can do a good orgasm alert, you know… 140 00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:58,745 "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum." 141 00:06:58,870 --> 00:07:01,036 But that's because, you know, I'm gonna cum. 142 00:07:01,911 --> 00:07:03,870 Anything else feels like make believe. 143 00:07:03,953 --> 00:07:08,203 Well, if you really like this guy, then you're gonna have to start talking. 144 00:07:09,536 --> 00:07:10,953 Was Miranda right? 145 00:07:11,036 --> 00:07:14,786 Have we put such a premium on being open and honest with one another, 146 00:07:14,870 --> 00:07:17,786 that we've misplaced the boundaries of propriety? 147 00:07:17,911 --> 00:07:21,578 Are there still certain things in a relationship one should never say? 148 00:07:22,078 --> 00:07:24,911 My best friend just got engaged to the biggest loser I've ever met. 149 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:28,203 What am I supposed to tell her? "You're marrying an imbecile"? 150 00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:30,995 My wife, she's had her breasts done twice. 151 00:07:31,286 --> 00:07:33,870 They look fantastic, they feel like shit. 152 00:07:34,828 --> 00:07:36,453 I keep that thought to myself. 153 00:07:36,536 --> 00:07:39,661 I'm a single, 38-year-old woman still hoping to get married. 154 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,786 I don't want to know the truth. 155 00:07:41,870 --> 00:07:44,286 I told Richard I couldn't spend another day 156 00:07:44,370 --> 00:07:46,870 married to a man who behaves like an utter asshole. 157 00:07:47,703 --> 00:07:49,828 There it was, standing across from me. 158 00:07:49,911 --> 00:07:53,828 Biscotti-eating, cashmere-swaddled proof that I had said too much. 159 00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:54,896 So, then what happened? 160 00:07:54,911 --> 00:07:57,495 Well, once I said that, the floodgates just opened. 161 00:07:57,703 --> 00:07:59,620 He said to me that there was a moment during our wedding, 162 00:07:59,703 --> 00:08:00,605 when he looked at me, 163 00:08:00,620 --> 00:08:02,120 and he felt a huge wave of disappointment 164 00:08:02,203 --> 00:08:03,870 because I looked so generic. 165 00:08:03,953 --> 00:08:05,161 I said to him, "You know what? 166 00:08:05,286 --> 00:08:08,286 On second thought, no. I don't think the Rogaine is working." 167 00:08:08,370 --> 00:08:11,786 So then he said to me that if I leave, all he'll feel for me is pity 168 00:08:11,870 --> 00:08:13,620 because he'll be remarried within a year 169 00:08:13,703 --> 00:08:16,161 and I'll be single for the rest of my life. 170 00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:17,870 I didn't want to tell Susan Sharon 171 00:08:17,953 --> 00:08:20,328 that his last statement was probably true. 172 00:08:20,495 --> 00:08:23,328 I just feel like I owe you so much. 173 00:08:23,411 --> 00:08:26,536 I mean, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have had the guts to do this. 174 00:08:26,620 --> 00:08:27,605 Oh, I didn't really… 175 00:08:27,620 --> 00:08:29,620 It's like I was under house arrest for the past few years 176 00:08:29,703 --> 00:08:31,036 and now I'm suddenly free. 177 00:08:32,161 --> 00:08:33,661 So, what are you gonna do? 178 00:08:34,870 --> 00:08:36,578 Do you mind if I stay at your place tonight? 179 00:08:37,245 --> 00:08:38,578 Of course not. 180 00:08:38,911 --> 00:08:42,411 That evening, as Susan Sharon squatted on my couch, 181 00:08:42,745 --> 00:08:45,828 Charlotte came home to the new male in her life. 182 00:08:46,245 --> 00:08:48,828 Fed up with lonely mornings, cuddle-free nights 183 00:08:48,911 --> 00:08:51,703 and the lack of unconditional love she so longed for, 184 00:08:51,786 --> 00:08:54,620 Charlotte decided to take matters into her own hands. 185 00:08:55,203 --> 00:08:57,703 She combed the city for the perfect specimen 186 00:08:57,786 --> 00:09:00,495 of breeding, style and trendiness. 187 00:09:00,578 --> 00:09:02,245 Henry, I'm home. 188 00:09:04,453 --> 00:09:06,036 Hi, my good boy. 189 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,370 Hello, Henry. My good boy. 190 00:09:09,453 --> 00:09:10,953 Until she found the perfect man, 191 00:09:11,036 --> 00:09:13,828 Charlotte would have the perfect dog. 192 00:09:14,953 --> 00:09:18,328 That night, Samantha, who was never any good at keeping a secret, 193 00:09:18,411 --> 00:09:20,745 suddenly found the one thing she couldn't say 194 00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:22,786 was the only thing she could think about. 195 00:09:22,995 --> 00:09:24,453 Sweetheart, is anything wrong? 196 00:09:24,536 --> 00:09:26,786 Because if there is, I want you to tell me. 197 00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,411 No, honey, I'm tired. 198 00:09:28,495 --> 00:09:30,661 I just feel like you've become so distant, 199 00:09:30,745 --> 00:09:32,370 like you're upset with me about something. 200 00:09:32,453 --> 00:09:35,661 I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. 201 00:09:35,828 --> 00:09:38,036 I'm not upset about anything. 202 00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,411 You're wonderful. 203 00:09:42,370 --> 00:09:45,161 Will you do me a favor and come see a couple's counselor with me? 204 00:09:45,453 --> 00:09:49,203 Samantha dreaded the shrink, the way most people feared the dentist. 205 00:09:49,703 --> 00:09:52,203 Well, if it's really important to you… 206 00:09:52,286 --> 00:09:53,370 Great. 207 00:09:54,078 --> 00:09:55,286 Goodnight. 208 00:09:55,786 --> 00:09:57,786 She suddenly longed for the simple days 209 00:09:57,911 --> 00:10:01,786 of emotional unavailability and hot one-night stands. 210 00:10:04,661 --> 00:10:09,078 Meanwhile, across town, Miranda was appearing as Eliza Doolittle 211 00:10:09,161 --> 00:10:10,870 in My Filthy Lady. 212 00:10:13,286 --> 00:10:16,245 I just love kissing this sensitive spot right here. 213 00:10:17,203 --> 00:10:18,828 You like that? 214 00:10:18,995 --> 00:10:20,453 Uh-huh. 215 00:10:21,036 --> 00:10:22,453 Tell me what you like. 216 00:10:23,911 --> 00:10:24,911 That. 217 00:10:26,953 --> 00:10:30,245 You like my hand there, caressing your breast? 218 00:10:31,536 --> 00:10:32,578 Sure. 219 00:10:32,661 --> 00:10:34,745 Gently pinching your nipple? 220 00:10:34,953 --> 00:10:35,953 Fine. 221 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,036 Oh, yeah. 222 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:39,411 Kissing my chest. 223 00:10:39,495 --> 00:10:42,286 That's hot. That really turns me on. 224 00:10:43,161 --> 00:10:44,703 How's it feel? 225 00:10:44,911 --> 00:10:45,911 Hot? 226 00:10:45,995 --> 00:10:47,078 Hot. 227 00:10:48,495 --> 00:10:49,620 And? 228 00:10:51,078 --> 00:10:53,411 - Hairy? - Oh, God, you're getting me hard. 229 00:10:55,078 --> 00:10:56,703 Tell me how it feels. 230 00:10:57,328 --> 00:10:58,328 Big. 231 00:10:59,286 --> 00:11:00,286 And? 232 00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:02,620 Hard? 233 00:11:04,703 --> 00:11:06,536 - Rock hard. - Yeah, keep talking. 234 00:11:07,870 --> 00:11:10,453 - A big rock. - Yes. 235 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,161 A hard rock. 236 00:11:14,245 --> 00:11:17,286 - A big, hard rock. - Oh, yeah. 237 00:11:18,036 --> 00:11:20,745 - A sausage. - Baby, you are so nasty. 238 00:11:20,828 --> 00:11:23,036 Surprisingly enough, once Miranda opened her mouth, 239 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:24,786 she found it difficult to shut up. 240 00:11:24,870 --> 00:11:29,911 A big, throbbing, rock-hard sausage. 241 00:11:31,536 --> 00:11:33,036 That night, I took Susan Sharon 242 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,536 to meet the new male in Charlotte's life. 243 00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:40,286 True to form, he was already falling far short of her high expectations. 244 00:11:41,245 --> 00:11:42,870 Well, he did it a minute ago. 245 00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,286 He was inconsistent… 246 00:11:45,411 --> 00:11:46,536 Get the ball, Henry. 247 00:11:46,620 --> 00:11:49,786 …selfishly stubborn, and hopelessly codependent. 248 00:11:50,036 --> 00:11:51,370 Isn't he smart? 249 00:11:51,495 --> 00:11:52,495 We shouldn't stay long, 250 00:11:52,536 --> 00:11:54,411 I want to be back at your apartment in case Richard calls. 251 00:11:54,536 --> 00:11:55,870 What do you mean? I though you were leaving him? 252 00:11:55,995 --> 00:11:56,995 I am. But if he calls, 253 00:11:57,078 --> 00:11:58,703 I want to be there to tell him that I don't wanna talk to him. 254 00:11:58,828 --> 00:12:00,120 Well, that's really passive aggressive. 255 00:12:00,203 --> 00:12:02,536 You should only speak to him if you have something specific to say. 256 00:12:04,411 --> 00:12:07,203 - Do you believe I married such a prick? - You didn't know he was a prick. 257 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:09,661 I just can't believe that prick hasn't called. 258 00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:11,786 Although, he does have this sweet side, you know. 259 00:12:11,870 --> 00:12:13,370 You just don't know him very well. 260 00:12:14,703 --> 00:12:16,120 Do you think I did the right thing, Henry? 261 00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:18,245 Or should I give him another chance… 262 00:12:19,078 --> 00:12:21,078 He's a dog, not an oracle. 263 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:31,161 The next morning, I woke up to an unsettling birthday surprise. 264 00:12:31,536 --> 00:12:32,578 Coming. 265 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:38,661 Sign here. 266 00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:42,078 Thank you. 267 00:12:52,036 --> 00:12:53,120 Oh, my God. 268 00:12:53,661 --> 00:12:55,870 "Best wishes on your birthday." 269 00:12:56,453 --> 00:12:57,536 It's from Big. 270 00:12:57,620 --> 00:13:00,120 - What kind of flowers? - Roses, red. 271 00:13:00,870 --> 00:13:01,911 Big. 272 00:13:02,911 --> 00:13:04,120 Expensive. 273 00:13:04,578 --> 00:13:07,411 - What do you think it means? - It means rip up the card. 274 00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,120 And watch out for the thorns. 275 00:13:09,203 --> 00:13:11,995 No, no, no. This is the grand gesture. 276 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:13,620 The grand gesture? 277 00:13:13,745 --> 00:13:14,870 Yeah, you know… 278 00:13:14,953 --> 00:13:16,203 If you break up with someone 279 00:13:16,286 --> 00:13:18,078 and they just disappear from your life altogether, 280 00:13:18,161 --> 00:13:19,578 well then, it wasn't meant to be. 281 00:13:19,661 --> 00:13:22,661 But if they make a powerful declaration of their love, 282 00:13:22,745 --> 00:13:24,203 then you really have to reconsider. 283 00:13:24,286 --> 00:13:26,328 You think a dozen roses and a card that says, 284 00:13:26,411 --> 00:13:28,703 "Best wishes" qualifies as the grand gesture? 285 00:13:29,036 --> 00:13:32,828 Well, you know men. They can never say, "I was wrong." They just send flowers. 286 00:13:32,911 --> 00:13:35,453 Yeah, well, sometimes a rose is just a rose. 287 00:13:35,536 --> 00:13:37,953 Now, jewelry, that's another story. 288 00:13:38,036 --> 00:13:39,078 Henry, no. 289 00:13:39,203 --> 00:13:41,411 Henry, no, not the purse. 290 00:13:41,661 --> 00:13:44,078 You know, I really don't need this on my birthday. 291 00:13:44,203 --> 00:13:47,661 Really, what does this mean, the ball's in my court or something? 292 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,078 I don't wanna play games. 293 00:13:50,578 --> 00:13:51,828 This is not the grand gesture. 294 00:13:51,911 --> 00:13:55,786 This is the vague gesture, which is truly worse than no gesture at all. 295 00:13:55,870 --> 00:13:57,078 You know, under the guise of being thoughtful, 296 00:13:57,161 --> 00:13:58,745 he's actually being very selfish. 297 00:13:58,828 --> 00:14:00,536 I agree, he's muddied the waters. 298 00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:01,995 You're all just cuckoo. 299 00:14:02,078 --> 00:14:04,453 The man sends her flowers on her birthday and you're all condemning him. 300 00:14:04,536 --> 00:14:06,828 Henry, no. No, damn it. 301 00:14:07,078 --> 00:14:08,953 For Christ's sake, give the dog a break. 302 00:14:09,036 --> 00:14:10,578 He's already eaten four pairs of shoes. 303 00:14:10,661 --> 00:14:12,578 I just don't want him starting on purses. 304 00:14:12,661 --> 00:14:14,953 Damn it, now. Okay, we're gonna go home. 305 00:14:15,203 --> 00:14:16,828 You said you wanted to get out and socialize, 306 00:14:16,911 --> 00:14:18,870 but you'll have to learn to behave. 307 00:14:18,953 --> 00:14:19,953 Bye. 308 00:14:25,036 --> 00:14:26,536 Speaking of cuckoo… 309 00:14:26,661 --> 00:14:28,328 Charlotte was at the point in her relationship 310 00:14:28,411 --> 00:14:30,953 where she was starting to see the real Henry. 311 00:14:31,786 --> 00:14:34,078 But she did raise a valid question. 312 00:14:34,161 --> 00:14:38,661 Was, "I was wrong," the one thing Mr. Big couldn't say? 313 00:14:39,620 --> 00:14:42,495 I realized that just because we were no longer together, 314 00:14:42,578 --> 00:14:44,536 didn't mean I couldn't be polite. 315 00:14:46,411 --> 00:14:47,453 Yeah. 316 00:14:47,536 --> 00:14:48,911 Hey, it's me. 317 00:14:49,911 --> 00:14:50,911 Carrie. 318 00:14:50,953 --> 00:14:52,370 Hey. How are you doing? 319 00:14:52,453 --> 00:14:56,036 Great. Listen, I just wanted to call and thank you for the flowers. 320 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,786 That was thoughtful of you. 321 00:14:57,911 --> 00:15:01,578 Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, my secretary had it on her calendar, 322 00:15:01,703 --> 00:15:02,703 so I, you know… 323 00:15:02,786 --> 00:15:05,661 Oh. So your secretary sent them? 324 00:15:05,745 --> 00:15:10,495 No, I sent the flowers, my secretary alerted me to the day. 325 00:15:11,036 --> 00:15:13,995 That was very thoughtful of her and you for sending them. 326 00:15:14,245 --> 00:15:16,786 So, you're welcome. What are you doing on the big day? 327 00:15:16,870 --> 00:15:18,286 Oh, well… 328 00:15:18,495 --> 00:15:20,911 Stanford's arranged this party down at Layla, 329 00:15:20,995 --> 00:15:22,703 you know, it's that Moroccan restaurant. 330 00:15:22,786 --> 00:15:23,730 You should come. 331 00:15:23,745 --> 00:15:26,786 The instant the words popped out of my mouth, I regretted them. 332 00:15:27,286 --> 00:15:29,703 Well, I… I… 333 00:15:29,786 --> 00:15:31,036 I made plans already. 334 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,620 Or not. I mean, just forget it. 335 00:15:33,703 --> 00:15:35,620 I could maybe stop by later. 336 00:15:35,703 --> 00:15:37,245 Fine. I mean, whatever. 337 00:15:37,745 --> 00:15:38,745 I… uh… 338 00:15:38,828 --> 00:15:40,786 I may bring someone. 339 00:15:40,870 --> 00:15:42,453 Well, yeah… 340 00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:46,786 Come and bring that person and maybe I'll see you later and… 341 00:15:46,995 --> 00:15:49,661 Thank you again for the thoughtful flowers. 342 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,911 I couldn't believe it. 343 00:15:54,995 --> 00:15:58,745 I had just invited my ex and his date to my birthday party, 344 00:15:59,161 --> 00:16:01,411 as if getting older wasn't traumatic enough. 345 00:16:02,245 --> 00:16:04,703 That afternoon in the office of Velma Rudin, 346 00:16:04,786 --> 00:16:07,870 celebrated psychologist and author of In-to-me-see, 347 00:16:07,953 --> 00:16:10,286 A Couple's Guide to Intimacy, 348 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,578 Samantha did her best not to say 349 00:16:12,661 --> 00:16:15,203 the one thing she knew she should not say. 350 00:16:15,286 --> 00:16:17,828 I can't help but notice that our sex life has diminished. 351 00:16:17,995 --> 00:16:20,578 That's normal, isn't it? I mean, after a while… 352 00:16:20,661 --> 00:16:22,536 How long has it been? 353 00:16:23,495 --> 00:16:24,495 A month. 354 00:16:24,870 --> 00:16:26,911 Don't take it all so seriously. 355 00:16:26,995 --> 00:16:29,286 Have fun with your sexuality. 356 00:16:29,953 --> 00:16:32,620 Have you tried playing erotic games? 357 00:16:33,286 --> 00:16:35,370 Samantha had a burning desire to confess 358 00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:38,536 that James had been playing "hide the salami" since the day met. 359 00:16:38,620 --> 00:16:41,453 I'm just not feeling very sexual these days. 360 00:16:42,953 --> 00:16:45,828 I saw you masturbating the other day when I came out of the shower. 361 00:16:47,411 --> 00:16:52,328 Many women are simply unable to achieve orgasm through intercourse. 362 00:16:52,703 --> 00:16:54,495 It's nothing to be ashamed of. 363 00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:56,495 You think you have a big problem with intimacy. 364 00:16:56,578 --> 00:16:57,953 No, that's not it. 365 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,036 - Then what is it? - It's nothing. 366 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,120 Nothing. Forget about it. 367 00:17:01,161 --> 00:17:02,620 Sweetheart, there is nothing you say that can hurt me, 368 00:17:02,703 --> 00:17:04,036 as long as it's what you're feeling. 369 00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:06,661 That seems to be all the time we have for today. 370 00:17:07,078 --> 00:17:08,495 Nice work, you two. 371 00:17:08,911 --> 00:17:10,953 Shall we say next week, same time? 372 00:17:11,078 --> 00:17:12,203 Good for me. 373 00:17:12,995 --> 00:17:13,995 Samantha? 374 00:17:14,495 --> 00:17:18,620 The idea of seeing Velma "In-to-me-see" Rudin on a weekly basis 375 00:17:18,703 --> 00:17:21,036 was much more than Samantha could bear. 376 00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:22,870 Your penis is too small. 377 00:17:24,370 --> 00:17:25,661 Excuse me? 378 00:17:25,828 --> 00:17:29,786 It doesn't… and it just… it can't. 379 00:17:29,870 --> 00:17:31,370 I can't. And it's… 380 00:17:32,453 --> 00:17:34,536 It's just too damn small. 381 00:17:35,995 --> 00:17:39,161 Did you ever stop to think that maybe your vagina is too big? 382 00:17:47,411 --> 00:17:50,120 What can I say? I need a big dick. 383 00:17:50,245 --> 00:17:51,536 I hear that. 384 00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:55,453 As Samantha paid the price of mentioning the unmentionable, 385 00:17:55,578 --> 00:17:59,036 Miranda discovered that free speech comes with a cost of its own. 386 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,870 I just love putting my hand around your cock. 387 00:18:02,370 --> 00:18:04,495 I just love hearing you say "cock." 388 00:18:05,245 --> 00:18:06,911 Your big hard cock. 389 00:18:08,828 --> 00:18:10,620 Cock, cock, cock… 390 00:18:11,745 --> 00:18:14,245 Why couldn't I ever say that before? 391 00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:16,161 It's just a word. 392 00:18:16,245 --> 00:18:18,995 Why does it turn us both on when I say it? 393 00:18:19,953 --> 00:18:21,370 What else do you like? 394 00:18:21,453 --> 00:18:23,286 I like it when you're rough. 395 00:18:23,495 --> 00:18:26,495 When you throw my legs over your head, I lose all control. 396 00:18:26,578 --> 00:18:27,661 Mmm-hmm. 397 00:18:27,870 --> 00:18:29,161 And what do I like? 398 00:18:29,911 --> 00:18:33,120 You like it when I'm biting your nipple. 399 00:18:33,453 --> 00:18:34,453 Mmm-hmm. 400 00:18:35,245 --> 00:18:36,328 And what else? 401 00:18:36,411 --> 00:18:39,828 You like it when I'm kissing your balls. 402 00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:41,953 Oh, yeah, keep going. 403 00:18:42,745 --> 00:18:46,661 And you really like it when I slip my finger in your ass. 404 00:18:50,078 --> 00:18:51,161 Excuse me? 405 00:18:51,286 --> 00:18:53,911 You just love a finger in your ass. 406 00:18:58,661 --> 00:19:01,328 How was I supposed to know that, "You love a finger in your ass" 407 00:19:01,495 --> 00:19:03,495 is the one thing you can't say to a man in bed? 408 00:19:03,578 --> 00:19:05,453 Trust me, that's not the only thing. 409 00:19:05,536 --> 00:19:08,453 - But it's true, he enjoys it. - So do a lot of men. 410 00:19:08,578 --> 00:19:11,620 Oh, no. They enjoy it, they just don't want it brought to their attention. 411 00:19:11,703 --> 00:19:14,203 Personally, I don't like anything in my ass. 412 00:19:16,453 --> 00:19:18,286 I know that may come as a surprise. 413 00:19:18,370 --> 00:19:20,411 I just feel so betrayed, you know. 414 00:19:20,495 --> 00:19:22,453 He tried to get me to start talking dirty, 415 00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:24,203 then I kinda got into it a little bit, 416 00:19:24,286 --> 00:19:25,828 then he pulled the rug out from under me. 417 00:19:25,911 --> 00:19:29,203 Men are so frustratingly inconsistent. That's why I love my Henry. 418 00:19:29,328 --> 00:19:32,411 He's a big love bug. You tell him anything and he just licks your face. 419 00:19:32,495 --> 00:19:34,620 Charlotte, you may be onto something. 420 00:19:35,703 --> 00:19:38,411 Waiter, another double vodka rocks for the birthday girl. 421 00:19:38,536 --> 00:19:41,036 The truth was, vodka was my only ally. 422 00:19:41,161 --> 00:19:44,620 At any moment, Big was just gonna walk right in here with his gorgeous date, 423 00:19:44,703 --> 00:19:48,578 smile at me like some distant stranger and say something absolutely crushing… 424 00:19:48,745 --> 00:19:50,203 Happy birthday, baby. 425 00:19:51,870 --> 00:19:52,911 Hi! 426 00:19:53,245 --> 00:19:54,661 Hey, glad you could make it. 427 00:19:54,745 --> 00:19:56,245 I can't stay long. 428 00:19:56,328 --> 00:19:57,911 Left my camel outside. 429 00:19:59,370 --> 00:20:01,453 Oh, Carrie, you remember Jack, right? 430 00:20:01,703 --> 00:20:03,411 Jack? You mean… 431 00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:05,328 Jack is your date? 432 00:20:05,828 --> 00:20:08,203 I wasn't aware we were formally dating, but… 433 00:20:08,286 --> 00:20:10,911 It is so good to see you again. 434 00:20:11,078 --> 00:20:12,370 How have you been? 435 00:20:12,453 --> 00:20:14,661 Marvelous, just split up with a bitch who broke my heart. 436 00:20:14,745 --> 00:20:17,161 At least, she didn't get my money. 437 00:20:17,245 --> 00:20:19,078 Well, happy birthday to me. 438 00:20:28,370 --> 00:20:34,036 An hour later, my Arabian Nights fantasy birthday felt like Midnight Express. 439 00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:38,370 - How are you? - Great. 440 00:20:38,453 --> 00:20:39,536 How are you? 441 00:20:39,620 --> 00:20:40,953 Good. Fine. 442 00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:42,370 Good. 443 00:20:42,620 --> 00:20:45,536 Excuse me, what is your ex doing at your birthday? 444 00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:48,245 I told him to drop by for a drink. 445 00:20:48,745 --> 00:20:50,870 Jeez, I didn't think he'd stay for a lap dance. 446 00:20:50,953 --> 00:20:53,411 Oh, my God, have you tried the baba ghanoush? 447 00:20:53,745 --> 00:20:54,953 It is to die for. 448 00:20:55,245 --> 00:20:56,911 I don't eat baba ghanoush. 449 00:20:57,036 --> 00:20:59,453 Oh! You don't know what you're missing. 450 00:20:59,536 --> 00:21:02,078 I can't believe the bastard had the nerve to show up. 451 00:21:02,786 --> 00:21:05,411 I can't believe what that woman can do with her bellybutton. 452 00:21:05,536 --> 00:21:07,620 Please, I'm about to lose my couscous. 453 00:21:07,703 --> 00:21:10,786 While I watched my ex get a Mesopotamian lap dance, 454 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,411 Susan Sharon made a play for Mr. Marvelous. 455 00:21:13,495 --> 00:21:15,953 I don't know if I can't deal with being single all over again. 456 00:21:16,078 --> 00:21:17,161 I mean, it's not like every relationship 457 00:21:17,245 --> 00:21:18,495 doesn't have its ups and downs, you know. 458 00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:20,661 It's just that my husband and I, we work very hard. 459 00:21:20,745 --> 00:21:23,245 We probably don't spend enough downtime together. 460 00:21:23,411 --> 00:21:25,453 Compounded by the fact that neither of us gets enough sleep. 461 00:21:25,536 --> 00:21:27,536 You know… Then again, who does? 462 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:30,870 I just that I really never imagined myself as a divorcee, you know? 463 00:21:30,953 --> 00:21:33,620 But I do think it's more important to till your own soil 464 00:21:33,703 --> 00:21:35,953 than it is to go in search of greener pastures. 465 00:21:37,870 --> 00:21:40,870 Do you ever shut the fuck up? 466 00:21:41,661 --> 00:21:44,620 In that moment, Susan Sharon suddenly realized 467 00:21:44,703 --> 00:21:47,328 how much she desperately missed her husband. 468 00:21:48,995 --> 00:21:50,328 Henry! 469 00:21:50,411 --> 00:21:54,870 That night, Charlotte came home to a very unpleasant surprise. 470 00:21:59,036 --> 00:22:00,120 Henry! 471 00:22:01,161 --> 00:22:03,870 Henry! Bad! 472 00:22:04,536 --> 00:22:05,911 Bad! 473 00:22:05,995 --> 00:22:08,620 Charlotte realized, like so many males before him, 474 00:22:08,703 --> 00:22:11,620 Henry had shit all over her perfect world. 475 00:22:11,703 --> 00:22:13,620 He and Charlotte soon parted ways, 476 00:22:13,703 --> 00:22:15,995 and the one thing she could never say was, 477 00:22:16,078 --> 00:22:18,036 "I got rid of the puppy." 478 00:22:18,203 --> 00:22:20,036 Of course we all know what happened to him. 479 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:21,411 He'd become the glue that put 480 00:22:21,495 --> 00:22:23,703 Susan Sharon and her husband back together again. 481 00:22:23,786 --> 00:22:25,161 Shut up. 482 00:22:25,495 --> 00:22:27,453 Shut the fuck up. 483 00:22:27,536 --> 00:22:28,911 Although neither of them could ever admit 484 00:22:28,995 --> 00:22:31,036 that a dog saved their marriage. 485 00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:32,203 And later that evening, 486 00:22:32,286 --> 00:22:36,036 as my birthday passed into the early morning hours of just another day, 487 00:22:36,203 --> 00:22:38,786 I found myself alone on the street with Mr. Big. 488 00:22:38,953 --> 00:22:40,411 Another year older. 489 00:22:40,745 --> 00:22:41,911 And none the wiser. 490 00:22:41,995 --> 00:22:43,661 Hey, that's the way it goes. 491 00:22:47,328 --> 00:22:50,411 - Can I give you a ride home? - No, I'm just gonna grab a cab. 492 00:22:50,495 --> 00:22:52,995 - Do you need cab fare? - No, I'm okay. 493 00:22:53,328 --> 00:22:56,995 Good, because I think I left all my $20 in that belly dancer's crotch. 494 00:23:01,828 --> 00:23:02,828 Well… 495 00:23:04,620 --> 00:23:05,620 Well… 496 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:07,328 Goodnight. 497 00:23:10,036 --> 00:23:11,286 Goodnight. 498 00:23:32,328 --> 00:23:33,870 As I watched him go, 499 00:23:33,953 --> 00:23:37,328 I realized the one thing I couldn't say to Mr. Big was… 500 00:23:38,411 --> 00:23:40,536 "I'm still not over you."