1 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,405 Everyone has a worst nightmare. 2 00:00:53,155 --> 00:00:55,488 For some, it's bathing suit season. 3 00:00:55,571 --> 00:00:57,196 For others, it's knowing your birth certificate 4 00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:59,113 can never be legally destroyed. 5 00:00:59,821 --> 00:01:00,988 For Miranda, 6 00:01:01,071 --> 00:01:03,280 it was family hour at her gym. 7 00:01:03,780 --> 00:01:05,321 Hey! What the… 8 00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:15,113 Kiddie Jazzercise, Aerobics room one, 9 00:01:15,196 --> 00:01:16,196 five minutes. 10 00:01:16,655 --> 00:01:18,196 On Sundays, her whole neighborhood 11 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,363 became occupied territory, under siege to children. 12 00:01:21,530 --> 00:01:22,431 They were everywhere. 13 00:01:22,446 --> 00:01:25,488 Movie theaters, restaurants, bookstores, hair salons… 14 00:01:25,571 --> 00:01:28,280 Starbucks was basically a stroller parking lot. 15 00:01:28,363 --> 00:01:32,446 Was it too much to hope for one small space to call her own? 16 00:01:34,446 --> 00:01:36,655 Uh, don't touch it, don't touch it. Please? 17 00:01:37,738 --> 00:01:39,155 Is there a problem? 18 00:01:39,238 --> 00:01:41,738 No, no, it's just that he really likes to push the button. 19 00:01:42,446 --> 00:01:44,738 Okay, fine, I'm in kind of a rush. Push one? 20 00:01:44,821 --> 00:01:45,723 Ah, Simon, see? 21 00:01:45,738 --> 00:01:47,905 This very pretty lady said that you can push the button. 22 00:01:52,030 --> 00:01:52,973 So sorry. 23 00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,946 I'm sure it's just a phase. 24 00:01:55,030 --> 00:01:59,613 Mmm, yeah. The guilty, overindulgent phase of a d-I-v-o-r-c-e. 25 00:02:00,071 --> 00:02:01,071 Ah. 26 00:02:04,363 --> 00:02:05,363 Daddy. 27 00:02:05,446 --> 00:02:08,321 Simon, we're not being very nice to… 28 00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:10,696 - Miranda. - Miranda. 29 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,446 Sounds kind of like a princess name, doesn't it? 30 00:02:14,030 --> 00:02:15,446 Stop talking. 31 00:02:19,030 --> 00:02:20,280 I'm going to bite you. 32 00:02:20,863 --> 00:02:22,113 Do you want to go to the toy store later? 33 00:02:22,196 --> 00:02:23,140 Yes. 34 00:02:23,155 --> 00:02:24,238 Well, then, don't bite me. 35 00:02:26,530 --> 00:02:29,446 See, I'm in violation of every parenting book ever written. 36 00:02:31,696 --> 00:02:33,613 - Do you have kids? - Uh, no. 37 00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:34,696 Married? 38 00:02:36,446 --> 00:02:38,613 - Well, here we are! - At last! 39 00:02:40,780 --> 00:02:43,780 Any chance I could persuade you to take another ride? 40 00:02:52,363 --> 00:02:53,905 His name was Roger Cobb, 41 00:02:54,030 --> 00:02:56,113 and it only took him another floor and a half 42 00:02:56,196 --> 00:02:58,196 to ask Miranda for her phone number. 43 00:02:58,738 --> 00:03:00,905 The whole thing might have been very romantic 44 00:03:01,030 --> 00:03:02,988 if Simon hadn't peed in his pants. 45 00:03:03,196 --> 00:03:04,780 I don't wear vintage clothes, 46 00:03:04,863 --> 00:03:07,363 I hate flea markets, I don't collect antiques, 47 00:03:07,446 --> 00:03:09,488 is it too much to ask that he not be… 48 00:03:09,571 --> 00:03:12,155 - I don't know. Used? - Okay, before it goes any further, 49 00:03:12,238 --> 00:03:15,030 just make sure his parts are still under warranty. 50 00:03:15,113 --> 00:03:17,030 It's like chewing somebody else's gum. 51 00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:19,238 Well, divorced men do come with baggage. 52 00:03:19,321 --> 00:03:21,905 Yeah, baggage is one thing. But when they come with kids… 53 00:03:21,988 --> 00:03:24,446 Especially kids with bladder control issues. 54 00:03:24,696 --> 00:03:26,196 - Here's what I think. - Mmm-hmm? 55 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,696 Round up all the divorced men and keep them in a pound. 56 00:03:29,238 --> 00:03:32,196 That way, you get their whole history before you take one home. 57 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,821 Just because a man is divorced doesn't mean he has a problem. 58 00:03:34,905 --> 00:03:36,071 Like my brother Wesley. 59 00:03:36,155 --> 00:03:37,780 He's just separated from his wife, Leslie, 60 00:03:37,863 --> 00:03:38,905 - and he is… - Eh! 61 00:03:39,363 --> 00:03:40,655 Wesley and Leslie? 62 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,905 - I don't think so. - What is that? 63 00:03:42,988 --> 00:03:44,738 Marriage by Mother Goose? 64 00:03:44,821 --> 00:03:46,696 - Definitely a candidate for the pound. - Mmm. 65 00:03:46,780 --> 00:03:50,071 Okay, I was going to ask you all to meet him because he's coming to visit me. 66 00:03:50,155 --> 00:03:51,321 And now, forget it. 67 00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:55,030 No, no, no, honey, we want to meet Wesley of Wesley and Leslie. 68 00:03:55,113 --> 00:03:57,488 And, PS, does he work for Nestlé? 69 00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,488 My brother's very important to me, 70 00:04:00,571 --> 00:04:04,196 and I'm not going to have him subjected to scrutiny and ridicule. 71 00:04:04,863 --> 00:04:05,988 I'll be scrutiny. 72 00:04:06,238 --> 00:04:08,071 - You'll be ridicule. - I always have to be ridicule. 73 00:04:08,155 --> 00:04:09,988 Why can't you be ridicule for once? 74 00:04:10,071 --> 00:04:11,155 I know. 75 00:04:12,446 --> 00:04:15,363 As for me, rather than sort through the half-off bin, 76 00:04:15,446 --> 00:04:18,446 I was dating someone brand spanking new. 77 00:04:18,530 --> 00:04:21,738 I met Vaughn Wysel at a PEN luncheon a month ago. 78 00:04:21,821 --> 00:04:24,988 It's amazing how much better looking fiction writers have become. 79 00:04:25,071 --> 00:04:26,530 Still up for a movie? 80 00:04:26,613 --> 00:04:28,696 Yeah, I just gotta drop these books by my parents' place. 81 00:04:28,780 --> 00:04:29,780 It's on the way. 82 00:04:31,446 --> 00:04:32,696 Hey, GQ called. 83 00:04:32,780 --> 00:04:34,655 Really? They want you to write something? 84 00:04:34,738 --> 00:04:36,530 No, they want me to wear something. 85 00:04:37,071 --> 00:04:38,321 It's so great to be a writer these days. 86 00:04:38,405 --> 00:04:39,988 There's just so little writing involved. 87 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,780 Just don't be photographed in anything sleeveless. 88 00:04:42,863 --> 00:04:45,155 No one who went sleeveless ever won a Pulitzer. 89 00:04:45,696 --> 00:04:47,655 It's just a little tip from me to you. 90 00:04:49,946 --> 00:04:52,238 Hey, wow, nice townhouse! 91 00:04:52,321 --> 00:04:54,488 - Come on in, this will only take a sec. - Oh, no, no. Oh, God. 92 00:04:54,571 --> 00:04:55,988 No, I'm really… I'm not dressed for family. 93 00:04:56,071 --> 00:04:57,821 Can you just maybe drop them through the mail slot? 94 00:04:58,238 --> 00:05:00,446 If I'm here and I don't at least say hello, you know… 95 00:05:00,530 --> 00:05:02,946 I'm looking at two months minimum hard family time. 96 00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:05,363 All right, all right. Yeah, okay. 97 00:05:06,321 --> 00:05:07,363 Oof. 98 00:05:08,321 --> 00:05:09,780 Thank you. 99 00:05:09,863 --> 00:05:13,363 Mother, I swear, you're the only person who can kill a cactus. 100 00:05:13,738 --> 00:05:15,780 - Hey, Vaughn. - Uh, Zoey, this is Carrie. 101 00:05:15,863 --> 00:05:18,613 Tell your sister to stop bringing me plants. 102 00:05:18,905 --> 00:05:20,446 They get suicidal around me. 103 00:05:20,530 --> 00:05:22,530 I have to talk them down from the ledge. 104 00:05:22,780 --> 00:05:24,738 - Vaughn! - Those books you asked me to sign. 105 00:05:24,821 --> 00:05:26,363 - Oh, great, dear! - Yeah. 106 00:05:26,613 --> 00:05:29,988 - Duncan, Vaughn's here! - Yeah, and he brought a girl! 107 00:05:30,071 --> 00:05:31,196 Well, hi. 108 00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:33,530 - Wallis Wysel. - Hi. 109 00:05:33,613 --> 00:05:34,905 Say, have we met? 110 00:05:34,988 --> 00:05:38,030 No, no, I don't think so. Carrie Bradshaw. 111 00:05:38,113 --> 00:05:39,655 Oh, my God! 112 00:05:39,905 --> 00:05:41,780 Duncan, get your ass in here! 113 00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:45,071 I just love, love, love your column. 114 00:05:45,196 --> 00:05:46,238 Oh, well… 115 00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:48,405 I love, love, love to hear that. 116 00:05:48,488 --> 00:05:50,321 Oh, Mom, we can't stay. 117 00:05:50,405 --> 00:05:53,071 The hell you can't! You know what you should write about? 118 00:05:53,196 --> 00:05:54,946 Re-virginization. 119 00:05:55,238 --> 00:05:57,780 Did you know that there are women who are actually having 120 00:05:57,863 --> 00:06:01,780 their vaginas restitched to make them like-new again? 121 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:03,571 Well, aren't they clever? 122 00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:06,238 In case you're wondering, Mom just finished making a documentary 123 00:06:06,321 --> 00:06:07,571 on genital mutilation. 124 00:06:07,655 --> 00:06:09,696 Which I still haven't gotten your notes on. 125 00:06:09,780 --> 00:06:11,030 Mom, I told you, 126 00:06:11,113 --> 00:06:12,696 I can't bring myself to look at that fucking thing. 127 00:06:12,780 --> 00:06:16,196 And I typed all his short stories for him when he was 12. 128 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,738 Duncan, look. Do you know who this is? 129 00:06:19,238 --> 00:06:21,780 Carrie Bradshaw. She writes that column we love. 130 00:06:22,071 --> 00:06:23,988 What are you doing Thursday night? 131 00:06:24,321 --> 00:06:26,030 Um… laundry. 132 00:06:26,113 --> 00:06:29,738 I teach a seminar at Columbia on cultural zeitgeist. 133 00:06:29,988 --> 00:06:31,488 I'd love to have you come speak. 134 00:06:31,571 --> 00:06:34,780 Mr. Self-Involved here didn't tell us he was dating an icon. 135 00:06:34,863 --> 00:06:35,806 Icon? 136 00:06:35,821 --> 00:06:37,988 Oh, you are an icon. You are. 137 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,905 Hey, who brought a girl? 138 00:06:39,988 --> 00:06:41,988 Oh, this is my other sister. 139 00:06:42,071 --> 00:06:45,196 - Franny, this is Carrie. - Hey, what's up? 140 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,530 Hey, what's up? 141 00:06:46,613 --> 00:06:47,988 - Hey, Mom. - Hi, sweetie. 142 00:06:48,405 --> 00:06:49,863 Franny and Zoey? 143 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:51,280 What can I say? 144 00:06:51,363 --> 00:06:53,405 JD Salinger used to get me high. 145 00:06:53,488 --> 00:06:55,405 And then she'd call me at 3:00 a.m., 146 00:06:55,488 --> 00:06:57,530 "I love you, I love you." 147 00:06:57,655 --> 00:06:59,280 Good for you, Vaughn. 148 00:06:59,363 --> 00:07:01,363 Beautiful and she thinks I'm funny. 149 00:07:01,446 --> 00:07:02,488 You're hilarious. 150 00:07:02,571 --> 00:07:05,988 Put your tongue back in your head, and the lox on the table, please. 151 00:07:06,196 --> 00:07:07,446 Come on, everybody, let's… 152 00:07:07,530 --> 00:07:08,988 - have something to eat. Come on! - Yeah. 153 00:07:09,071 --> 00:07:10,446 Look, we… We have to go. 154 00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:11,530 - Oh, you don't. - What? 155 00:07:11,613 --> 00:07:13,446 - Why? - Oh, come on, please! 156 00:07:13,530 --> 00:07:15,696 Sweetie, we can… We'll stay. 157 00:07:15,780 --> 00:07:17,280 Great! Oh, good, thank you! 158 00:07:17,363 --> 00:07:20,238 I mean, really, within the space of five minutes, 159 00:07:20,321 --> 00:07:21,863 I had next week's column, 160 00:07:21,946 --> 00:07:24,988 an invitation to speak at an Ivy League university, 161 00:07:25,071 --> 00:07:27,821 and access to the entire Zabar's fish counter. 162 00:07:28,405 --> 00:07:30,113 Leave now? Was he nuts? 163 00:07:30,196 --> 00:07:31,196 Have a napkin. 164 00:07:34,030 --> 00:07:37,780 So, have you ever gone out with someone who had a kid? 165 00:07:37,863 --> 00:07:39,946 No, but I've never gone out with someone I met 166 00:07:40,030 --> 00:07:41,613 on an elevator either, so… 167 00:07:41,696 --> 00:07:42,696 Well, that's a first for me, too. 168 00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:45,196 There was a woman I met on an escalator once, 169 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:46,280 but it didn't last long. 170 00:07:46,321 --> 00:07:48,321 It was over by the time we got to ladies' lingerie. 171 00:07:48,696 --> 00:07:51,696 I dated a man once who wore ladies' lingerie. 172 00:07:51,780 --> 00:07:53,946 That was kind of the problem there. 173 00:07:54,488 --> 00:07:55,530 I'm kidding. 174 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:57,780 'Cause I'm wearing panties now. 175 00:07:58,988 --> 00:08:00,780 You're kidding, right? 176 00:08:00,863 --> 00:08:02,196 - Yah! - Ow! 177 00:08:02,488 --> 00:08:03,655 Daddy, look what I found! 178 00:08:03,738 --> 00:08:05,613 - Can you say you're sorry? - No! 179 00:08:05,696 --> 00:08:07,155 - No, no, no! - Are you okay? 180 00:08:07,238 --> 00:08:08,571 Ah… 181 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:11,113 Fortunately, I mostly use the right side of my brain. 182 00:08:16,446 --> 00:08:19,613 It must be hard, having a social life as a single parent. 183 00:08:19,696 --> 00:08:20,738 Well, yeah, it is. 184 00:08:20,863 --> 00:08:22,780 I got to buy protective helmets for all my dates. 185 00:08:22,863 --> 00:08:24,738 Yeah! Where's mine by the way? 186 00:08:24,821 --> 00:08:26,238 Oh, truth is, I… 187 00:08:26,655 --> 00:08:29,238 I never really had a great social life before Simon either. 188 00:08:29,446 --> 00:08:32,738 I'm just one of those weird male aberrations who… 189 00:08:33,071 --> 00:08:34,321 prefers to be married. 190 00:08:35,196 --> 00:08:37,613 I mean, I like stability. I like routine. 191 00:08:38,155 --> 00:08:40,530 I like knowing there's people waiting for me at home. 192 00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:43,905 I guess that makes me sound pretty dull. 193 00:08:44,238 --> 00:08:45,321 Are you kidding? 194 00:08:45,530 --> 00:08:47,488 You're the heterosexual holy grail. 195 00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:51,321 Miranda began to wonder how a vintage man 196 00:08:51,405 --> 00:08:53,655 might look on her modern couch. 197 00:08:56,238 --> 00:08:57,696 Here, here, here, here. 198 00:08:57,780 --> 00:08:59,030 - Oh! - Ah! 199 00:08:59,113 --> 00:09:00,113 Thank you! 200 00:09:00,530 --> 00:09:03,030 Probably not the best time to ask you to dinner, huh? 201 00:09:03,113 --> 00:09:05,655 While Miranda was dealing with queasiness, 202 00:09:05,738 --> 00:09:07,863 Charlotte was handling depression. 203 00:09:07,946 --> 00:09:10,905 Which, of course, she felt could be solved with a homemade muffin. 204 00:09:10,988 --> 00:09:13,071 There you go! Just like Nana used to make. 205 00:09:13,530 --> 00:09:14,738 Charlie, the muffins are great. 206 00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:17,071 But I'd much prefer a nice dry Martini. 207 00:09:17,530 --> 00:09:20,196 But Nana always made muffins to cheer you up. 208 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,655 Well, that was pre-Leslie. 209 00:09:21,738 --> 00:09:24,696 Post-Leslie, I need a cocktail. Now, where's your vodka? 210 00:09:24,780 --> 00:09:25,946 I don't have any. 211 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:27,905 And you call yourself a WASP. 212 00:09:28,363 --> 00:09:30,488 I don't see why you two can't work it out, 213 00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:32,530 you had the most beautiful wedding. 214 00:09:32,613 --> 00:09:34,405 And we're going to have an even lovelier divorce. 215 00:09:34,488 --> 00:09:37,738 I can't believe you're willing to just throw it all away so easily. 216 00:09:37,821 --> 00:09:39,696 I mean, relationships take work. 217 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:42,363 You need patience and understanding. 218 00:09:42,655 --> 00:09:45,780 Charlotte, when was your last long-term relationship? 219 00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:49,530 Oh, just eat your muffin. 220 00:09:59,363 --> 00:10:02,613 The afternoon had been like six hours of foreplay. 221 00:10:07,488 --> 00:10:10,655 Some men seduce with dim lights and soft music… 222 00:10:12,071 --> 00:10:15,488 Vaughn seduced with chocolate chip cookies and relatives. 223 00:10:18,571 --> 00:10:20,488 It was inevitable this would happen. 224 00:10:26,613 --> 00:10:29,155 I just didn't know it would happen so quickly. 225 00:10:31,196 --> 00:10:32,196 Uh… 226 00:10:32,738 --> 00:10:34,238 Um, I'll get a tissue. 227 00:10:45,821 --> 00:10:48,280 Get out now, before he stains all your sheets. 228 00:10:48,363 --> 00:10:50,071 Oh, come on, that's harsh. 229 00:10:50,155 --> 00:10:51,613 It could be he was just nervous. 230 00:10:51,696 --> 00:10:52,863 The first time is always weird. 231 00:10:52,946 --> 00:10:54,363 And he'd probably had something to drink. 232 00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:56,488 And we'd just spent the whole day with his family. 233 00:10:56,571 --> 00:10:59,863 Look, the guy could not get his Cadillac into the garage. 234 00:10:59,946 --> 00:11:02,696 Honey, I'm sorry, I hate being right about this. 235 00:11:02,946 --> 00:11:05,821 Samantha was the General Patton of sex. 236 00:11:05,905 --> 00:11:07,905 She didn't like sending her troops into battle 237 00:11:07,988 --> 00:11:09,238 if she thought they would lose. 238 00:11:09,571 --> 00:11:11,196 - I like him. - Well, that's real swell, 239 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:13,363 but it still doesn't get the cream in the cupcake. 240 00:11:13,571 --> 00:11:15,905 But the thing I like best about him is his family. 241 00:11:15,988 --> 00:11:17,696 Mmm, anyone there you can fuck? 242 00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,946 What? I'm trying to be helpful. 243 00:11:21,030 --> 00:11:23,321 I'm telling you, this family is like… 244 00:11:24,321 --> 00:11:25,530 They've got charisma! 245 00:11:25,863 --> 00:11:28,155 Like Tom Cruise, they're the Tom Cruise of families. 246 00:11:28,238 --> 00:11:30,988 I'm pretty sure the family is supposed to be the obstacle 247 00:11:31,071 --> 00:11:33,030 to a relationship, not the attraction. 248 00:11:33,113 --> 00:11:35,780 I fucked a guy once because his family had a pool. 249 00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,655 He was pretty much of a nerd, but, 250 00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:40,446 I'd go over there and get all cocoa-buttered up. 251 00:11:40,530 --> 00:11:41,780 His mom loved me. 252 00:11:41,863 --> 00:11:43,863 She was always serving me Kool-Aid and chips. 253 00:11:43,946 --> 00:11:45,363 - Kool-Aid? - Mmm, yeah! 254 00:11:45,446 --> 00:11:49,405 Kool-Aid! I was 13 and, honey, you should've seen my tan. 255 00:11:50,738 --> 00:11:54,280 In my mind, the complications of making a relationship work 256 00:11:54,363 --> 00:11:56,655 had just expanded exponentially. 257 00:11:57,363 --> 00:11:58,655 When you date someone, 258 00:11:58,780 --> 00:12:01,655 how many people become emotionally involved? 259 00:12:02,030 --> 00:12:05,446 When you sleep with someone, are you screwing the family? 260 00:12:06,905 --> 00:12:09,196 While I was still on the fence about my feelings for Vaughn, 261 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,280 I had no doubt about my feeling for his mother. 262 00:12:12,363 --> 00:12:13,738 I was in love with her. 263 00:12:13,821 --> 00:12:17,155 Then we were in Nicaragua with the Peace Corps. 264 00:12:17,238 --> 00:12:18,613 That's where Vaughn was born. 265 00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:22,446 I can't get over it! You've had, like, five lives. 266 00:12:22,655 --> 00:12:24,405 I can barely make one happen. 267 00:12:24,488 --> 00:12:28,405 Oh, don't pull that self-effacing shit with me, Carrie. 268 00:12:28,488 --> 00:12:31,905 I see you. I know what you've got going. 269 00:12:31,988 --> 00:12:33,321 What? What do I do? 270 00:12:33,405 --> 00:12:36,113 - I write this little column. - It's a contribution. 271 00:12:36,321 --> 00:12:38,946 I mean, you are putting it out there. You… 272 00:12:39,321 --> 00:12:40,946 You're part of a dialogue. 273 00:12:41,030 --> 00:12:44,280 I mean, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't know half the things we do 274 00:12:44,363 --> 00:12:46,280 about other people's sex lives. 275 00:12:46,780 --> 00:12:48,571 Well, thanks a lot. 276 00:12:48,655 --> 00:12:49,863 I'm teasing. 277 00:12:51,363 --> 00:12:55,280 No, no. It's wonderful to be frank and honest about sex. 278 00:12:55,363 --> 00:12:59,780 That's how I raised my kids. I mean, sex was always a part of the discussion. 279 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,613 When they were two years old, 280 00:13:01,696 --> 00:13:04,571 they knew the proper names for their body parts. 281 00:13:04,821 --> 00:13:07,863 None of this pee-pee and wee-wee crap, no, no. 282 00:13:08,196 --> 00:13:11,696 And as result, do you know, they can talk to me about anything. 283 00:13:12,113 --> 00:13:14,738 When Franny told me she was a lesbian, I said, 284 00:13:14,821 --> 00:13:17,488 "Great, just as long as you're not a Republican." 285 00:13:18,655 --> 00:13:20,030 May I just say, 286 00:13:20,696 --> 00:13:22,363 I like you very much. 287 00:13:22,446 --> 00:13:24,446 Oh, that's dear, thank you. 288 00:13:27,321 --> 00:13:28,905 So, did you talk to Leslie today? 289 00:13:29,238 --> 00:13:30,363 No, but I talked to her lawyer. 290 00:13:30,446 --> 00:13:31,863 Do you want to know all about that? 291 00:13:31,946 --> 00:13:34,488 I'm giving her the house and she's giving me an ulcer. 292 00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:37,738 Okay, okay, I'm sorry I brought it up. 293 00:13:37,821 --> 00:13:38,946 Tonight we'll have fun. 294 00:13:39,030 --> 00:13:40,446 You'll finally meet my friend Carrie, 295 00:13:40,530 --> 00:13:42,738 we'll go out, have dinner, maybe we'll go to a club… 296 00:13:43,196 --> 00:13:44,363 Shit. 297 00:13:47,238 --> 00:13:48,571 - Hi. - Hello. 298 00:13:49,738 --> 00:13:54,321 Carrie, Samantha, this is my wonderful brother, Wesley. 299 00:13:54,446 --> 00:13:56,446 - Hi. - Hi, Nice to meet you. 300 00:13:56,530 --> 00:13:58,905 Oh, good looks run in the family. 301 00:13:59,905 --> 00:14:01,155 Can I get you ladies a drink? 302 00:14:01,238 --> 00:14:02,988 - Cosmopolitan. - Ditto. 303 00:14:03,530 --> 00:14:05,238 So, how are you enjoying New York? 304 00:14:05,321 --> 00:14:06,321 Excuse us. 305 00:14:08,780 --> 00:14:10,113 Why is she here? 306 00:14:10,196 --> 00:14:11,446 Oh, um… 307 00:14:11,530 --> 00:14:14,321 That's our friend. I believe you remember Samantha? 308 00:14:14,780 --> 00:14:15,946 But… 309 00:14:16,030 --> 00:14:17,655 I mean, you know how she gets. Like, look! 310 00:14:17,738 --> 00:14:18,863 She's doing it already. 311 00:14:18,946 --> 00:14:20,571 What? They're talking. 312 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:23,223 Hey. 313 00:14:23,238 --> 00:14:24,488 - Thank you. - Samantha says 314 00:14:24,571 --> 00:14:26,155 there's a great jazz bar that we should go to. 315 00:14:26,613 --> 00:14:28,280 Oh, I… I… 316 00:14:28,446 --> 00:14:30,446 I just don't think I'm up for it tonight. 317 00:14:30,530 --> 00:14:32,071 Well, then maybe we'll just go. 318 00:14:35,113 --> 00:14:37,405 Talking and going to hear jazz. 319 00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:42,738 I think I have your son's slinky embedded in my back. 320 00:14:44,738 --> 00:14:47,071 Well, I like to brand my women. 321 00:14:50,363 --> 00:14:53,238 I'm going to use the bathroom, and then I really will go. 322 00:15:03,905 --> 00:15:05,530 - Daddy? - No, Simon! 323 00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:07,905 Ow! Daddy! 324 00:15:07,988 --> 00:15:09,613 - Simon? - Shit. 325 00:15:12,155 --> 00:15:15,321 I'm sorry, I was peeing and I didn't want him to see me. 326 00:15:16,988 --> 00:15:18,905 I was afraid he'd see me and the next thing you know, 327 00:15:18,988 --> 00:15:21,280 he'd be drawing pictures for a child psychologist 328 00:15:21,363 --> 00:15:22,946 and then nobody's happy, right? 329 00:15:23,030 --> 00:15:24,238 I'll get a Band-Aid, huh? 330 00:15:24,321 --> 00:15:26,238 He's hurt. I think he might need a stitch. 331 00:15:26,321 --> 00:15:27,905 I'll go with you to the emergency room. 332 00:15:27,988 --> 00:15:29,113 No! 333 00:15:29,863 --> 00:15:31,238 Just go. 334 00:15:31,946 --> 00:15:32,946 Please. 335 00:15:33,655 --> 00:15:34,780 Just… 336 00:15:35,155 --> 00:15:36,155 go. 337 00:15:36,821 --> 00:15:38,696 One thing about families. 338 00:15:38,821 --> 00:15:42,738 If no one's sorry to see you go, then you're probably not coming back. 339 00:15:43,946 --> 00:15:46,946 The next morning, Charlotte was in for a rude awakening. 340 00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:49,488 Oh, honey, where do you keep your coffee filters? 341 00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:51,030 Uh… 342 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,196 Just tell me if I'm warm. 343 00:15:54,905 --> 00:15:55,988 My brother? 344 00:15:56,446 --> 00:15:58,030 You slept with my brother? 345 00:15:58,113 --> 00:16:02,155 Oh, honey, what a doll. I mean, he really… 346 00:16:02,238 --> 00:16:04,530 Is your vagina in the New York City guidebooks? 347 00:16:04,613 --> 00:16:06,946 Because it should be, it's the hottest spot in town! 348 00:16:07,030 --> 00:16:08,196 It's always open! 349 00:16:15,696 --> 00:16:16,821 What's going on? 350 00:16:22,155 --> 00:16:23,488 What did you say? 351 00:16:23,571 --> 00:16:25,613 She was in my kitchen, she was wearing your shirt, I… 352 00:16:25,696 --> 00:16:26,696 I snapped. 353 00:16:26,863 --> 00:16:29,030 Who asked you to butt your nose into my… 354 00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:30,280 Samantha, wait! 355 00:16:30,363 --> 00:16:31,530 Samantha, don't go! 356 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:34,405 Wesley! 357 00:16:35,655 --> 00:16:38,071 I didn't know your mom was nominated for an Oscar. 358 00:16:38,446 --> 00:16:40,405 Mmm-hmm. Best documentary short. 359 00:16:42,071 --> 00:16:45,571 I just love that she still has so many ambitions for herself. 360 00:16:47,405 --> 00:16:50,030 I'm not really in the mood to talk about my mom. 361 00:16:51,905 --> 00:16:54,196 I'm not really in the mood to talk at all. 362 00:17:05,738 --> 00:17:09,071 Uh! Don't touch it. Don't touch it! 363 00:17:30,196 --> 00:17:31,321 So, 364 00:17:31,405 --> 00:17:33,405 what was the documentary short about, anyway? 365 00:17:37,571 --> 00:17:39,071 Oh, good, you're back. 366 00:17:39,613 --> 00:17:42,405 Charlotte, I swear to God, if you hand me a muffin, 367 00:17:42,488 --> 00:17:44,280 - I'm out of here. - Honey, 368 00:17:44,946 --> 00:17:46,321 you don't know Samantha. 369 00:17:46,405 --> 00:17:48,363 I do. She has so many notches on her bedpost, 370 00:17:48,446 --> 00:17:50,696 it's practically whittled down to a toothpick. 371 00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:52,030 It was fun. 372 00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,988 I know, I know, you had your little fling and… 373 00:17:55,071 --> 00:17:57,571 Now you can go back to Leslie and you can work it out, right? 374 00:17:57,655 --> 00:17:59,071 We're not working it out. 375 00:17:59,488 --> 00:18:01,488 You think you know Wesley and Leslie? 376 00:18:01,571 --> 00:18:04,030 Let me tell you about Wesley and Leslie. 377 00:18:04,405 --> 00:18:05,696 Leslie's frigid. 378 00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:08,905 And before last night, Wesley hadn't gotten laid in two years. 379 00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:10,030 Oh, my God. 380 00:18:10,113 --> 00:18:11,613 I think I was going out of my mind. 381 00:18:11,696 --> 00:18:13,488 I've seen a pastor, I've seen a shrink. 382 00:18:13,571 --> 00:18:16,905 But until I saw Samantha, I didn't realize what I really needed. 383 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,655 Sex. 384 00:18:18,738 --> 00:18:19,863 So, it was a good thing. 385 00:18:19,946 --> 00:18:21,780 It was a freaking great thing. 386 00:18:22,613 --> 00:18:23,738 That Samantha… 387 00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,655 You've really got a good friend there. 388 00:18:35,821 --> 00:18:36,863 It's Charlotte. 389 00:18:42,030 --> 00:18:44,696 That was a terrible thing I said. 390 00:18:45,030 --> 00:18:46,030 Yes, it was. 391 00:18:46,446 --> 00:18:49,030 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have another tour group 392 00:18:49,113 --> 00:18:51,030 coming through my vagina in ten minutes. 393 00:18:51,113 --> 00:18:52,530 And I'm so sorry. 394 00:18:53,030 --> 00:18:54,613 You said what you came to say? 395 00:18:54,696 --> 00:18:55,696 Wait! 396 00:18:58,696 --> 00:19:00,155 I wanted to give you this. 397 00:19:05,155 --> 00:19:07,030 Samantha was touched. 398 00:19:07,530 --> 00:19:09,071 - Come here. - Oh… 399 00:19:09,155 --> 00:19:11,571 She realized this was Charlotte's way of saying, 400 00:19:11,655 --> 00:19:13,821 "Thank you for fucking my brother." 401 00:19:13,905 --> 00:19:15,363 - Get in there. - Ah! 402 00:19:18,738 --> 00:19:21,571 Hey, kids, Funtastics on three. 403 00:19:23,655 --> 00:19:26,905 And Miranda decided she had ceded enough territory 404 00:19:27,030 --> 00:19:28,280 to the invading troops. 405 00:19:30,113 --> 00:19:32,696 Oh, do you mind? He really loves to push the button. 406 00:19:33,155 --> 00:19:34,155 Yeah? 407 00:19:35,030 --> 00:19:36,030 So do I. 408 00:19:42,613 --> 00:19:45,571 That is so sexy. 409 00:19:46,655 --> 00:19:47,863 You in bed, 410 00:19:48,196 --> 00:19:49,238 with my book. 411 00:19:50,696 --> 00:19:52,738 It's really great. 412 00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:58,863 Ah. Do that again. 413 00:19:59,238 --> 00:20:01,613 What? Turn the page? 414 00:20:03,696 --> 00:20:05,571 Oh, baby. 415 00:20:10,363 --> 00:20:11,405 Again. 416 00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:19,196 Okay, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop. 417 00:20:20,696 --> 00:20:23,530 Let's just take this nice and slow. 418 00:20:24,571 --> 00:20:27,738 And you tell me if you're feeling too excited 419 00:20:28,155 --> 00:20:30,071 and we'll take a little break. 420 00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:31,946 Why? 421 00:20:32,446 --> 00:20:35,821 Because I think we both really want this to work. 422 00:20:36,946 --> 00:20:37,988 I mean… 423 00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:42,363 I love that you get so turned on by me, 424 00:20:42,821 --> 00:20:45,988 and I am very turned on by you and… 425 00:20:46,238 --> 00:20:49,696 maybe we've just been in too much of a rush. 426 00:20:50,030 --> 00:20:51,030 Okay. 427 00:20:51,655 --> 00:20:52,821 Forget it. 428 00:20:52,905 --> 00:20:55,988 No, I don't want to forget it. Hey, come here. 429 00:20:56,571 --> 00:20:58,738 - Let's talk about it. - No! 430 00:20:59,071 --> 00:21:00,405 I don't want to talk about it. 431 00:21:00,488 --> 00:21:02,488 Well, I think we have to. 432 00:21:02,571 --> 00:21:03,988 Why does everything have to be about sex! 433 00:21:04,113 --> 00:21:06,363 I am so sick of talking about sex. 434 00:21:06,446 --> 00:21:08,446 I've been talking about it since I was two! 435 00:21:10,030 --> 00:21:11,280 So, let's go. 436 00:21:12,446 --> 00:21:13,946 My parents are expecting us. 437 00:21:17,321 --> 00:21:19,988 Duncan and I went down to the Neil Simon Theatre 438 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,863 - and spent $65… - Seventy-five. 439 00:21:23,071 --> 00:21:26,363 …to see a British movie star simulate a blow job. 440 00:21:26,446 --> 00:21:28,738 I wonder if that's what Neil had in mind. 441 00:21:29,738 --> 00:21:31,238 Did she show her tits? 442 00:21:31,530 --> 00:21:32,530 No. 443 00:21:32,738 --> 00:21:34,155 How's the pickled herring? 444 00:21:34,363 --> 00:21:35,780 It's very good. 445 00:21:35,863 --> 00:21:38,863 Franny tells me that you two are going camping this weekend. 446 00:21:39,363 --> 00:21:41,113 Where's the scallion cream cheese? 447 00:21:41,196 --> 00:21:43,155 Oh, it's out there on the table. 448 00:21:44,696 --> 00:21:45,696 I don't see it. 449 00:21:46,405 --> 00:21:48,196 Well, then check the refrigerator. 450 00:21:50,405 --> 00:21:51,988 Why is he so edgy? 451 00:21:52,863 --> 00:21:54,030 I have no idea. 452 00:21:54,113 --> 00:21:56,321 Don't let him pull that moody shit on you. 453 00:21:56,405 --> 00:21:57,821 I know, it's such a pose. 454 00:21:57,905 --> 00:21:59,530 The minute he got published, he's suddenly this quote, 455 00:21:59,613 --> 00:22:00,905 "tortured artist." 456 00:22:01,905 --> 00:22:03,488 Where's the cream cheese? 457 00:22:03,571 --> 00:22:05,113 It's out there. 458 00:22:17,155 --> 00:22:19,196 What's the point of buying all this shit if you can't remember 459 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:21,405 the one fucking thing that holds it all together? 460 00:22:21,613 --> 00:22:22,613 Vaughn, 461 00:22:22,946 --> 00:22:25,030 let's deal with what's really upsetting you. 462 00:22:25,405 --> 00:22:26,696 Hmm, shall we? 463 00:22:26,863 --> 00:22:27,988 Okay. 464 00:22:28,196 --> 00:22:29,655 If you have to have everything out on the table, 465 00:22:29,738 --> 00:22:32,363 why don't we start with some scallion cream cheese? 466 00:22:35,113 --> 00:22:36,613 Jenna and I looked at each other 467 00:22:36,696 --> 00:22:38,905 like two foreigners without visas. 468 00:22:40,780 --> 00:22:41,946 Well, I'm… 469 00:22:42,821 --> 00:22:44,863 You know what, I think I'd better go. 470 00:22:44,946 --> 00:22:46,071 I, um… 471 00:22:46,488 --> 00:22:47,946 I've got a deadline. 472 00:22:50,696 --> 00:22:53,113 So, yeah. I'll go. 473 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:54,280 Uh… 474 00:22:54,613 --> 00:22:56,655 Thank you for lunch, for everything. 475 00:23:02,613 --> 00:23:03,655 Uh, Carrie! 476 00:23:08,446 --> 00:23:11,238 What happened? Everything was going so well. 477 00:23:11,530 --> 00:23:13,030 It really wasn't. 478 00:23:13,113 --> 00:23:14,530 Okay, I know what it is. 479 00:23:14,613 --> 00:23:16,613 His last girlfriend wasn't as discreet. 480 00:23:16,905 --> 00:23:18,863 I don't even want to get in the irony. 481 00:23:18,946 --> 00:23:20,405 He writes "short stories." 482 00:23:20,821 --> 00:23:21,821 Okay, this has… 483 00:23:22,113 --> 00:23:24,113 This has officially become too weird. 484 00:23:24,196 --> 00:23:27,280 Really? In a situation like this, you gotta laugh. 485 00:23:27,488 --> 00:23:29,155 All right, it's a problem. 486 00:23:29,905 --> 00:23:30,905 But… 487 00:23:30,988 --> 00:23:32,363 you'll work it out. 488 00:23:33,238 --> 00:23:34,530 He… 489 00:23:34,613 --> 00:23:36,696 He won't even talk about it. 490 00:23:36,905 --> 00:23:40,155 - You want me to talk to him? - No, no, no. 491 00:23:40,988 --> 00:23:43,238 I can't discuss this with you. 492 00:23:43,321 --> 00:23:44,405 You can! 493 00:23:44,488 --> 00:23:46,780 Carrie, you and I can discuss anything. 494 00:23:47,363 --> 00:23:50,280 So your sex life isn't so great. So what? 495 00:23:50,905 --> 00:23:54,488 77% of all marriages are sexless. 496 00:23:54,780 --> 00:23:56,780 Other things are so much more important. 497 00:23:57,155 --> 00:23:59,030 Like family. 498 00:24:00,613 --> 00:24:02,988 Then I saw that the person I really had to break up with 499 00:24:03,071 --> 00:24:04,405 wasn't Vaughn. 500 00:24:04,488 --> 00:24:05,655 It was his mother. 501 00:24:05,863 --> 00:24:09,863 Wallis, I would still like us to be friends. 502 00:24:10,863 --> 00:24:12,780 No, I mean that. 503 00:24:13,488 --> 00:24:16,155 And what happens when you meet somebody else? 504 00:24:16,405 --> 00:24:18,780 I can tell you right now, they won't have a mother like me. 505 00:24:18,863 --> 00:24:20,238 And you know that. 506 00:24:21,530 --> 00:24:24,363 You know that we have something. 507 00:24:24,946 --> 00:24:26,863 Well, what we have is very special. 508 00:24:30,821 --> 00:24:31,863 All right, well… 509 00:24:33,030 --> 00:24:34,280 All right. 510 00:24:36,155 --> 00:24:37,821 Call me sometime. 511 00:24:38,821 --> 00:24:40,863 - I will. - Sweetie. 512 00:24:45,821 --> 00:24:47,238 Wallis was right. 513 00:24:47,363 --> 00:24:50,571 The most important thing in life is your family. 514 00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:53,821 There are days you love them and others you don't, 515 00:24:53,905 --> 00:24:57,821 but in the end, they're the people you always come home to. 516 00:24:57,905 --> 00:25:00,113 Sometimes it's the family you're born into. 517 00:25:00,196 --> 00:25:04,196 And sometimes, it's the one you make for yourself. 518 00:25:07,780 --> 00:25:08,780 - Carrie! - Hey! 519 00:25:08,863 --> 00:25:10,488 What are you doing here? 520 00:25:10,696 --> 00:25:11,863 - Hey! - Come here!