Manhattan is a place you can get anything, anytime.
Cabs at 2:00 a.m.
Chinese food at 3:00.
But somehow, you can never get your dry-cleaning.
Charlotte was spending all of her time with Trey,
a doctor from family money who had it all.
All but all of Charlotte.
Apparently, Trey was one New Yorker not getting everything, anytime.
Trey is so thoughtful.
He knew I wasn't feeling well last night,
so he took me to get some soup down on Seventh Street,
and then we went to second.
Avenue?
Base.
And then what, he did your physics homework with you?
No, I want to take it slow with him. I think he could really be the one.
Charlotte, honey, you've only known him for two weeks.
You can know his email address, you cannot know he's the one.
I just know.
And it's really hard, because he is very sexy,
but I don't want to ruin it by having sex with him too early.
Oh.
So, you're "everything but" girl.
I like to think of it as "kissing with extras."
How very ninth-grade of you.
Do you know, I read that if you don't have sex for a year,
you can actually become revirginized.
And, I would imagine, quite frisky.
But isn't that great?
You can erase your whole sexual past and start again.
Who wants their virginity back? It was bad enough the first time.
How old were you?
Um, 11th grade.
Seth Bateman.
His smelly rec room.
Half a joint, three thrusts. Finito.
Ew.
And P.S., it was on the ping pong table.
Meanwhile, I was doing "everything plus" with Aidan.
I couldn't get out of bed with him.
My bed had become our restaurant, our entertainment center,
our own little New York.
- Open 24 hours. - Mmm!
When do you think they're gonna send a search party in for us?
I guess spring thaw.
That's an awful long time, my friend.
Mmm-hmm.
Downtown, another New Yorker was enjoying her very full life.
Samantha had a new apartment in the ultra-chic Meatpacking District,
and a new admirer.
Well, there goes the neighborhood.
Len Schnieder.
4-A.
I collect art.
Samantha Jones, 2-D.
And I'm guessing you collect compliments.
Oh, Len, stop.
Really, Len.
Stop.
If you'll excuse me.
Listen,
I would love to have you come up to my place tonight.
I make a mean wine spritzer.
Oh, I don't think so. Sorry.
Samantha said, "Sorry," but what she really meant was,
"When did it become acceptable for over-the-hill losers
to ask out hot women like her?"
I'm keeping you on neighborhood watch.
And just when Samantha thought her day couldn't get any worse…
This is a catalog for pre-menopausal women.
"New Transitions." Nice name.
Why don't they call it what it is? "J. Crew for women who are drying up."
FYI, I am not transitioning, I am happening.
Sweetie, you just got on the wrong mailing list.
I knew I shouldn't have signed up
for that three-month Mirabella trial subscription.
Last year I bought a back pillow online
and ended up with all these catalogs for trusses.
- You bought a back pillow? - Yeah, at I'm-getting-old.com.
Maybe I could interest you in some vaginal lubrication suppositories.
Listen to this.
"Sometime in the ten years before menopause,
you may experience symptoms including all-month-long PMS,
fluid retention, insomnia, depression, hot flashes, or irregular periods."
On the plus side, people will start to give up their seats to you on the bus.
Oh, my God!
Vagina weights.
Honey, my vagina waits for no man.
Look at this.
The Kegelmaster.
What's a Kegel muscle?
It helps you stay tight down there.
And I have one?
If you have to ask, you haven't been doing your exercises.
What exercises?
All you have to do to stay tight
is to tighten and release it for ten minutes a day.
Kegel exercises.
I'm doing mine right now.
Man, she's good.
Well, I for one can't wait for menopause.
Do you realize how freeing it'll be not to have our periods?
Ugh, I can't wait till Flo stops coming to town.
No one calls it Flo.
I think my grandmother did.
Oh, it'll be nice to be done with the mind-numbing cramps.
Ugh, no kidding.
I've got mine right now big time.
I hear that, sister.
Oh, my God, I have my period too!
We're all synched up. I've heard about that happening.
What?
I'll get mine in a few days.
If Samantha was running late, I was running even later.
The Gab magazine launch party was starting in an hour
and my fabulous party dress was still at the cleaners.
Oh. Oh!
Oh, please, sir?
Shit!
Apparently, my fabulous party dress would be staying in for the evening.
Across town,
Miranda and Steve decided instead of staying in, they'd go out.
Since when did it become appropriate to bring babies to restaurants?
Aw, come on, he's cute.
Yeah, God invented babysitters for a reason.
I don't think it's so bad.
It's nice having babies around.
Don't get me wrong, I love babies.
I just don't love babies with my soup.
Oh, my God. Look at you.
You're a mess!
We should do it.
We should have a baby.
Yeah, right.
No, I'm serious.
We'd have a really cute baby.
Not like one of those who look like Khrushchev.
We wouldn't have to get married.
You're serious.
Yeah, I'm serious. The timing's perfect.
The timing is not perfect.
We've only been living together for what, two months?
It's way too quick, and I'm up for partner at the firm…
We cannot have a baby. You're insane.
Aw!
Come on. I want a baby, it'd be fun.
It's not like owning a foosball table, Steve.
Do you have any idea how much work a baby is?
Yeah, yeah, I know.
But I could hang out with him during the day.
You know, watch Sesame Street with him while you're at work,
then I could go to work at the bar.
And I'd be up all night with the baby, alone,
and get no sleep and then have to get up the next day
and stay awake to work the 14 hours I need to make partner
so I can afford the apartment
you're watching all the Sesame Street in.
Let's hope the baby inherits my positive attitude.
Can we please talk about something else?
No problem.
While Miranda was left contemplating diapers,
I was contemplating McQueen versus Gucci.
All right, it's your last chance to attend a fabulous party
with a fabulous girl.
It's a party on a boat?
Correction. Fancy boat.
And, P.S., the fabulous girl is rumored to be easy.
What's the party for?
- This new magazine, Gab. - Have you read it?
Oh, hell no. I'm just going for the celebrity sightings.
Oh, and I'll be stuck on this boat with all these celebs?
And celebrity hangers-on.
Well, as tempting as it sounds,
would it be okay if I stayed on dry land for the night?
Yeah, of course.
Will you still be easy later?
Is that a proposition?
Bon voyage.
Bye.
Send me the pillow that you dream on
So that I can dream on it too
The Gab party was everything they promised and more.
Regis Philbin, Madonna,
and every fired editor of The New Yorker was there.
- Hey. - Hey.
So, where was I?
Unfortunately,
it was Trey who was doing most of the gabbing.
You were at the part about the birthday present.
Oh, that's right.
So, my mother gives me this god-awful machine,
you know, for sorting change…
He has a lot of change.
…for my birthday, and I lied to her and I said I loved it.
And then immediately jumped into a cab and drove that thing
right back down to Hammacher Schlemmer.
So, there I was on…
- 40th and Broadway. - Right, 40th and Broadway.
And I hear this woman yell like a hyena…
I did not!
And the cab stops up short, right?
I almost hit my head on that plastic partition, I got out,
- I told him to stop the meter. - He told him to stop the meter.
Right. And there was Charlotte, lying in the middle of the street.
And that's how we met.
That's very sweet.
Oh! You forgot the part about when the cabbie gets mad.
No, it's okay, 'cause I remember.
Well, anyway, it was fate.
I mean, if my mother didn't give me such bad gifts,
this wonderful gift would never have come into my life.
Aw!
I had heard the story at least three times already.
A minute more of Trey,
and we would definitely be in a "man overboard" situation.
Hey, I'm going to go hit the buffet.
Okay.
Not too hard.
As I walked away, I realized
I hadn't seen Charlotte that happy in years,
and with a man she'd known for five minutes.
And just when I thought I was safe…
- Hello. - Oh, hey.
Cheese.
Hello.
I ran into the man I'd been happy with for five minutes.
Right.
Well…
Hi.
I thought I might see you here.
You did?
So, where's Natasha?
She missed the boat.
- Oh! - I'm sorry.
Very crowded.
Okay, well, I gotta…
Dominick Dunne is holding my place in the bathroom line.
Big and I trapped together on a boat. Without dates.
We were two miles offshore. There was no way off.
Children and women with emotional baggage first.
Carrie.
Look what Trey gave me. Isn't it beautiful?
Oh, wow!
Cartier.
It was a complete surprise.
He said the last few weeks have been really special, and that he's smitten.
Look. It's inscribed.
Oh, let's see.
"To Charlotte, it's about time I met you."
Oh, sweetie, that's great.
Do you know what time this boat docks?
- I think around 10:00. - What time is it?
Oh, it's not set yet.
Oh, well, it's pretty.
Thanks. I guess I better get back to Trey.
I think this is it, Carrie. I can just feel it.
Apparently, one woman's Titanic is another woman's love boat.
Boo.
Jesus.
So, what was that back there?
I…
I don't know.
Well, can't we have a conversation anymore?
I don't know, can we?
Around Brooklyn, there's gonna be a mutiny, pass it on.
That's a spiffy opener.
I try.
So, what are you, are you…
Are you seeing anyone? Or…
Yeah, I am.
He's great.
He's perfect, actually.
Where is he, Mr. Perfect?
Oh, he's home. I didn't want to subject him
to the cold food and slimy media leeches.
Good idea.
Present company excluded.
That's some outfit, kid.
Oh, really? You think so?
Well, if you like this one, you would have loved the one
being held hostage on 74th and Lex.
It's good to see you.
The next morning, I recovered from my see-Big sickness.
While Downtown, Samantha realized maybe her ship had sailed.
She was five days late.
Later, we did brunch and bathroom at Time Café.
I'm in love with him.
You're not in love with him.
You're in love with the very expensive watch he gave you.
Do you have another?
Ladies, I am not Tampax central. Put on list, buy tampons.
Well, I have them at home,
but they won't fit in my Kate Spade purse.
Wow. Kate must have a tiny vagina.
I think the watch is a sign that he's in love with me, too.
Aw, he's not in love, he's in blue-ball hell.
Sometimes you just know.
We're the right match, it's fate.
It's not fate.
His light is on, that's all.
What light?
Men are like cabs.
When they're available, their light goes on.
They wake up one day and they decide they're ready
to settle down, have babies, whatever, and they turn their light on.
The next woman they pick up, boom!
That's the one they'll marry. It's not fate. It's dumb luck.
I'm sorry. I refuse to believe that love is that random.
Please, it's all about timing.
You gotta get them when their light's on.
Most men I meet are flashing yellows.
Or off duty.
They can drive around for years picking up women and not be available.
Then they really shouldn't be allowed to get behind the wheel.
Most men don't stay lit long before they take the plunge,
versus most women, who've been lit pretty much since birth.
You mooches took my last tampon.
- You packing? - No, okay, I'm not.
I don't have a tampon and I'll probably never need one again.
A simple "no" is good enough.
I haven't had my period in 35 days.
- Are you… - No, I'm not pregnant, I'm…
I'm drying up.
Oh, come on. You're overreacting. It was a stupid catalog.
I'm day-old bread. My time is up.
Enjoy your Flos.
For someone with no period, you've got a mean case of PMS.
You have years of miserable cramps ahead of you.
Ladies,
what I'm about to tell you
may come as a shock.
I'm a little…
older…
than you.
That night, I couldn't stop thinking about time.
Was every second of our lives controlled by fate?
Or is life just a series of random occurrences?
If I wasn't perpetually ten minutes late,
would my life be totally different?
Would I never run into Big?
And would there ever be a good time to see him?
Was Miranda right?
Is timing everything?
Hey, Scoob! Can't you do something…
- Hey. - Hey.
Could you turn that down? I'm working.
Okay, not low enough.
Hey, you're going to have to get used to a noisy house
if we're gonna have a baby around.
Okay, look.
I've been thinking about this baby thing.
We're really not in a great place right now, and I don't think…
Could we have this conversation, please, without Scooby-Doo?
It's a great one.
It's the one where they find the ghost in the old salt mine.
I'm serious, Steve, turn off the cartoons.
"But, Scoobs, what about the ghost?"
You know what? Forget it.
Miranda!
It was then that Miranda realized
she may have already had a baby in her house.
I want to shelve this whole baby thing for a while.
Yeah, okay, you got it.
And put a coaster under that glass.
And turn off the lights before you come to bed.
We haven't had sex in over a week, and he wants to have a baby.
What's wrong with this picture?
Well, you could always go the immaculate conception route.
Seriously.
We're in this shitty place.
We fight,
and I'm working really long hours 'cause I'm up for this partner thing,
and it's like he's using a baby as a Band-Aid
for everything that's wrong with us.
Well, what is wrong with you guys?
I don't know.
It's like he's a kid, and I end up nagging him all the time.
I'm mean mommy, and believe me, no one wants to fuck mean mommy.
Oh, I believe you.
And then I think maybe I'm just sabotaging the relationship
so I don't have to have a baby with him and actually be happy.
Maybe the problem is me.
This baby is gonna need a lot of therapy.
There is no baby.
Okay, mean mommy.
But I do want one eventually, and my clock is running out.
I mean, I've only got like a million viable eggs left.
300 of which we just killed with those martinis at lunch.
That night, Samantha got drunk.
She had lost her spirit, and there was no pill in the catalog to correct that.
And so, she accepted a date with Len.
After all, day-old bread needed to stick together.
You ever been in a Cadillac Eldorado?
- No. - Oh.
Man, those babies are smooth.
And they have buttons to do everything for you.
They even have a button to adjust your lumbar.
It's great for my hip.
Uh-huh.
Did I tell you that I have an artificial hip?
- No. - Hard to believe, huh, baby?
Samantha couldn't listen to one more minute of Len.
And so, she slept with him and his hip to shut him up.
Yeah, baby.
Give it to daddy.
Yeah!
Oh, Jesus!
What?
Baby, either you're a virgin
or Flo just came to town.
- My period? - There's fucking blood everywhere.
Oh, my God.
That is so…
These are fucking Pratesi sheets.
Two grand a set.
I'm sorry.
Really. Very, very sorry.
Samantha said, "Sorry."
What she really meant was,
"There are plenty more young studs
in this hot pre-pre-menopausal woman's future."
This is embarrassing.
I should go.
Thanks for dinner.
The next day, Miranda was putting in time and a half
at her firm when…
- Miranda Hobbes. - Hey.
Hey, I'm really busy. I don't really have time to talk.
Yeah, meet me in a half hour at 56th and 3rd, okay?
I can't, I got a meeting at 4:00.
Come on, Miranda, I think it'll help.
Please?
Okay.
This is not gonna happen.
Oh, come on, look at them.
- How exactly would this help us? - What?
Maybe we're not ready for a baby.
This could be a test run.
And who would take care of the test run?
Me.
Please, lawyer lady, take me home and love me.
You're insane.
Not in front of the puppy.
Miranda had been backed into a corner.
And even though she was surrounded by bitches,
she didn't want to be one.
Okay.
That night, Charlotte and Trey were performing their usual duet…
And then I got out and I found you.
- Oh, really? - Mmm-hmm.
I found you.
I think I should come in.
No, sweetie.
I have an early meeting.
But thanks, I had a lovely time. Really.
Me, too.
- Night. - Night.
You're very persistent.
I don't want to come in. I want to tell you something.
I love you, Charlotte.
You do?
Yeah.
I love you too.
That night, Charlotte got everything she wanted.
Trey got a hand job.
And at 3:00 a.m…
…Miranda was getting nothing but aggravated.
Please, go to sleep.
Shh, please, I beg you. Here.
Look…
This is supposed to be your mom's heart beating or something.
Are you happy?
Not really, no.
We get this puppy and already I'm the only one taking care of it.
I've been up all night, you're sound asleep,
and this was a huge mistake.
Hey, come on, relax. It'll be fine.
Yeah, it'll be fine for you because you're not doing anything.
He's just getting used to us.
Hey! Poochy, poochy, puppy boy.
Hey.
Give mommy a kiss.
Okay, this is it.
I am so sick of you being the kid here. I cannot be in charge all the time.
We're supposed to be equals, partners.
You think we can have a baby?
We can't even have a puppy together!
We're just going through a rough patch here.
This isn't a patch, Steve. This is it, all the time.
And it's not good.
Great. So you're just going to give up on us, just like that.
Not just like that.
I've been trying not to give up on us for a long time.
That's nice.
I'm just being honest.
It was then that Miranda realized something.
All this time, she thought the problem was her.
It wasn't. It was them.
And there was never a good time to say what she had to say.
This isn't gonna work, Steve.
There's good stuff here.
Not enough.
A baby would have been a quick fix for something that can't be fixed.
Because you don't want it to work.
That is so unfair.
I don't want to fight with you anymore.
You think that I do?
I don't know.
Steve.
I really tried.
That night, Miranda lost her partner.
The next day, she got a new one.
- Congratulations. - Hear, hear!
Thank you.
Fifteen of them.
- Congratulations, partner. - Thanks.
- Well deserved. - Thank you.
Meanwhile, I was still enjoying my one.
Do you want to have a sleepover?
Mmm-hmm.
Let me set the timer.
I didn't know about Aidan, but my light was definitely on.
You have one new message.
Hey, Carrie, I'm…
I knew who it was.
I couldn't stop Big from coming back into my life,
but at least I could stop him from coming out of my machine.
Hey, you're out of filters.
I'm gonna run down to the Korean.
- Okay. - Okay?
Hey.
Yeah?
You make me really happy.
- See you in a bit. - Okay.
Well, that was very fast.
- What are you doing here? - Didn't you get my message?
No, I didn't, I paused it.
What are you doing here?
That was him, wasn't it?
The perfect guy?
Yes, it was, and he's coming back, so…
Please.
What do you want?
I don't know.
No, go home to your wife.
Go.
I'm so fucked up.
I had no idea what else Big was gonna say.
And I'm not sure what bugged me more.
That I didn't know, or that I cared.
Hey, Carrie.
I'm here on your corner.
I know you're home, pick up.
I, uh…
I…
Jesus.
Well, I miss you.
I can't fucking stop thinking about you.
There you have it.
There it was.
Exactly what I had needed to hear, a year too late.
I should have been happy, but I wasn't.
It was the absolute worst timing of all.
Ten minutes later, Aidan still hadn't come back.
Suddenly, my life was all about timing.
All the right things said at all the wrong times.
My past coming back way too fast,
and my future taking way too long to come home.