1 00:00:51,111 --> 00:00:52,153 LA, 2 00:00:52,236 --> 00:00:55,445 land of perpetual sun and perpetual sun bathing. 3 00:00:55,528 --> 00:00:56,861 Which also makes it… 4 00:00:56,945 --> 00:00:59,445 land of the perpetual bikini wax. 5 00:01:00,695 --> 00:01:03,236 After a week in LA, I made an appointment 6 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:06,945 with the city's premiere waxer to the stars, Alicia. 7 00:01:08,153 --> 00:01:10,236 - She was known for her artful work… - Oh. 8 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,236 - …her lightning-quick hands… - Thanks. That's great. 9 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:13,486 Put feet ahead. 10 00:01:14,028 --> 00:01:16,153 …and her indecipherable accent. 11 00:01:16,236 --> 00:01:17,361 Excuse me? 12 00:01:19,986 --> 00:01:21,070 Ahhh! 13 00:01:21,778 --> 00:01:24,028 All done. Beautiful. 14 00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:25,736 You look. 15 00:01:30,403 --> 00:01:31,778 I got mugged! 16 00:01:31,861 --> 00:01:33,486 She took everything I got! 17 00:01:33,570 --> 00:01:34,861 It's called a Brazilian wax. 18 00:01:34,945 --> 00:01:36,445 Why didn't you tell her to stop? 19 00:01:36,528 --> 00:01:40,070 I tried. I feel like one of those freaking hairless dogs. 20 00:01:40,153 --> 00:01:42,528 It's an aesthetic thing. Everyone goes bare out here. 21 00:01:42,611 --> 00:01:46,361 Of course they do. LA men are too lazy to have to go searching for anything. 22 00:01:46,445 --> 00:01:47,945 Yeah, you can't hide your light under a bush. 23 00:01:48,028 --> 00:01:52,320 Well, she must have left something, a triangle? A little landing strip? 24 00:01:52,403 --> 00:01:56,653 No, I am totally bald! And, might I add, freezing. 25 00:01:56,736 --> 00:01:57,903 Oh, I would've killed her. 26 00:01:57,986 --> 00:02:00,153 I'm so aware of down there now. 27 00:02:00,236 --> 00:02:02,611 Now I feel like I'm nothing but walking sex. 28 00:02:02,695 --> 00:02:05,820 That's the thing about the Brazilian. It makes you do crazy things. 29 00:02:05,903 --> 00:02:08,820 You have to be very careful who you invite to Brazil. 30 00:02:08,903 --> 00:02:11,111 Well, I'm officially RSVP-ing "no." 31 00:02:11,195 --> 00:02:13,570 - Hey, where you going? - I'm meeting Lew. 32 00:02:13,653 --> 00:02:14,778 Letterman Lew? 33 00:02:14,861 --> 00:02:16,570 He doesn't work for Letterman anymore. 34 00:02:16,653 --> 00:02:18,903 He moved out here to write that New York sitcom. 35 00:02:18,986 --> 00:02:22,153 You know, the one about the three 20-something kids who live in a loft? 36 00:02:22,236 --> 00:02:23,820 Oh, yeah, one's a feisty waitress. 37 00:02:23,903 --> 00:02:25,653 What are you and Lew gonna do? 38 00:02:25,736 --> 00:02:28,778 I'm sure we'll have a couple of drinks and bitch about LA. 39 00:02:28,861 --> 00:02:30,945 I can't believe he lives out here now. 40 00:02:31,028 --> 00:02:34,278 Well, maybe you should tell him to move to Brazil. I hear it's quite popular. 41 00:02:34,361 --> 00:02:35,861 So you guys are on your own tonight. 42 00:02:35,945 --> 00:02:37,653 We're going to go to that movie premiere thing. 43 00:02:37,736 --> 00:02:40,028 - Oh, what's the movie? - Oh, no one sees the movie. 44 00:02:40,111 --> 00:02:42,778 We're going to use my press pass and get into the after-party. 45 00:02:42,861 --> 00:02:44,445 I love LA. 46 00:02:44,528 --> 00:02:46,236 You two should get out of the sun. 47 00:02:50,653 --> 00:02:51,638 Mmm. 48 00:02:51,653 --> 00:02:55,528 Lew asked Miranda to meet him at the Flowing Tree. 49 00:02:55,611 --> 00:02:58,986 Surrounded by all these tan, fit, happy people, 50 00:02:59,070 --> 00:03:02,986 she knew she would recognize pale, chubby, unhappy Lew immediately. 51 00:03:04,486 --> 00:03:05,528 Miranda? 52 00:03:06,695 --> 00:03:08,445 Oh, my God! 53 00:03:10,403 --> 00:03:11,611 Do I look that different? 54 00:03:11,695 --> 00:03:14,861 Well, let's just say it's a good thing you still wear that hat. 55 00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:17,028 Oh, please, if you ever see me in a Lakers hat… 56 00:03:17,111 --> 00:03:18,111 I know, shoot you. 57 00:03:18,153 --> 00:03:19,736 Exactly. Come on, sit. 58 00:03:20,528 --> 00:03:21,861 You look amazing. 59 00:03:21,945 --> 00:03:23,653 Thanks. You want to grab a drink? 60 00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:25,820 Oh, please, yes, let's go. 61 00:03:25,903 --> 00:03:28,486 The sight of all these bleached teeth is blinding. 62 00:03:28,570 --> 00:03:29,820 No, I mean, grab something here. 63 00:03:29,903 --> 00:03:32,445 This place is known for its green tea infusions. 64 00:03:32,528 --> 00:03:35,986 Please, infusions? Could LA be any worse? 65 00:03:36,070 --> 00:03:39,195 Take off that hat, I'm gonna shoot you right now. 66 00:03:39,278 --> 00:03:42,070 Actually, I really like it here. 67 00:03:42,778 --> 00:03:44,236 Hang on. What happened to the guy 68 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,486 I used to share beers with and make fun of happy people? 69 00:03:46,570 --> 00:03:48,195 I know, I know. The thing is, 70 00:03:49,278 --> 00:03:51,028 I think I'm one of those happy people now. 71 00:03:52,403 --> 00:03:54,528 Wow. I mean, good for you. 72 00:03:54,611 --> 00:03:55,820 I know it sounds crazy, 73 00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:58,486 but I think I was just supremely unhappy in New York. 74 00:03:58,986 --> 00:04:02,695 I mean, I came out here and I let a lot of that old, toxic anger go. 75 00:04:02,778 --> 00:04:05,861 I take things slowly, get outside… 76 00:04:06,486 --> 00:04:07,611 LA agrees with me. 77 00:04:08,111 --> 00:04:11,070 Miranda realized she was the one standing out in that room. 78 00:04:11,153 --> 00:04:14,028 She was the only angry New Yorker for miles. 79 00:04:14,111 --> 00:04:16,278 Hey, let's go for a hike. 80 00:04:18,278 --> 00:04:20,236 - Over here. - Look over here. 81 00:04:24,445 --> 00:04:25,570 Good evening, ma'am. 82 00:04:25,653 --> 00:04:28,695 Later that night, two very happy New Yorkers 83 00:04:28,778 --> 00:04:32,153 prepared to hike up their first LA red carpet. 84 00:04:34,070 --> 00:04:36,445 Hi, Carrie Bradshaw, I'm with the New York Star. 85 00:04:36,528 --> 00:04:37,736 Are you on the list? 86 00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:39,653 Well, I'm press… Well, I'm a columnist. 87 00:04:39,736 --> 00:04:42,195 - Here, that's me. - Press room is to the left. 88 00:04:42,278 --> 00:04:44,736 Crinkle cut cheese and some fat Enquirer reporters? 89 00:04:44,820 --> 00:04:45,986 I don't think so. 90 00:04:46,070 --> 00:04:47,403 Let me see your passes from the movie. 91 00:04:47,486 --> 00:04:48,986 Oh, no one goes to the movie. 92 00:04:49,070 --> 00:04:51,528 Everyone goes to the movie. 93 00:04:51,611 --> 00:04:53,403 Could you please step off the red carpet? 94 00:04:53,486 --> 00:04:56,611 - Do you know who she is? - I know she's not on the list. 95 00:04:56,695 --> 00:04:58,611 Okay, okay, okay. 96 00:04:58,695 --> 00:04:59,820 Let's just go. 97 00:05:00,986 --> 00:05:02,403 I can't believe this. 98 00:05:02,486 --> 00:05:04,445 This wouldn't happen in New York. People know you in New York. 99 00:05:04,528 --> 00:05:06,236 And no one goes to the freaking movie. 100 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:09,070 We're out of here. I'm getting the car out of valet hoc. 101 00:05:14,736 --> 00:05:17,195 There I was, a Hollywood nobody, 102 00:05:17,278 --> 00:05:20,236 cast off the red carpet and standing in my proper place 103 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,028 on a grease-stained parking lot. 104 00:05:23,445 --> 00:05:26,986 We're talking in circles here. That's right, we're talking in circles. 105 00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:29,195 I understand… No, I heard you. 106 00:05:29,820 --> 00:05:31,195 Okay, sure. 107 00:05:32,486 --> 00:05:33,486 Yeah. 108 00:05:34,111 --> 00:05:35,570 Well, you tell her that when she's ready to deal, 109 00:05:35,653 --> 00:05:37,361 she can go ahead and call me herself, okay? 110 00:05:37,445 --> 00:05:39,278 I'm at a function here. 111 00:05:40,528 --> 00:05:42,445 Please tell me that you have another one of those. 112 00:05:42,528 --> 00:05:44,820 Wow, and I thought I had a problem. 113 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:46,611 - Are you going to light it for me? - Yeah. 114 00:05:46,695 --> 00:05:47,695 Thanks. 115 00:05:51,070 --> 00:05:52,070 Mmm. 116 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:54,528 Full tar, it's very nice. 117 00:05:54,653 --> 00:05:55,945 I thought they banned these here. 118 00:05:56,028 --> 00:05:58,028 I taped them to my body on the plane. 119 00:05:58,528 --> 00:06:00,361 - New Yorker? - Yep. 120 00:06:00,445 --> 00:06:01,820 I'm Keith Travers, 121 00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:03,445 - representing Matt Damon. - Oh. 122 00:06:03,945 --> 00:06:06,653 Carrie Bradshaw, I'm representing myself. 123 00:06:06,736 --> 00:06:09,820 - Actress? - Oh, no, no, no, writer. 124 00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,778 You're too pretty to be a writer. 125 00:06:12,278 --> 00:06:14,695 And that's too cheesy a line for you to be a writer. 126 00:06:14,778 --> 00:06:16,820 It's going to take a fucking hour to get the car. 127 00:06:16,903 --> 00:06:19,153 Samantha Jones, meet, um… 128 00:06:19,236 --> 00:06:21,403 Keith Travers. He's representing Matt Damon. 129 00:06:22,570 --> 00:06:24,028 And you ladies aren't going anywhere. 130 00:06:24,111 --> 00:06:25,445 If you say so. 131 00:06:25,528 --> 00:06:26,945 Should we go inside? 132 00:06:27,403 --> 00:06:28,986 Let's enjoy our evening, huh? 133 00:06:29,070 --> 00:06:32,820 Once we got inside, our magic carpet ride really began. 134 00:06:32,903 --> 00:06:34,695 I can't believe that they wouldn't let someone like you in. 135 00:06:34,778 --> 00:06:35,945 That's a total disconnect. 136 00:06:36,028 --> 00:06:37,861 - A disconnect? - Yeah. Excuse me, guys. 137 00:06:37,945 --> 00:06:40,528 Yeah, a disconnect. That's like, you know, a fuck-up. 138 00:06:40,986 --> 00:06:43,653 - Oh. A disconnect. - Yeah. 139 00:06:44,236 --> 00:06:45,861 You writers are word Nazis, huh? 140 00:06:45,945 --> 00:06:47,528 You're going to ride me with that. 141 00:06:47,611 --> 00:06:49,236 Uh, hey. 142 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:51,403 Someone's ass is ringing and it ain't mine. 143 00:06:51,486 --> 00:06:53,070 But yours would if it could. 144 00:06:53,153 --> 00:06:55,111 It would ring if it could ring. Excuse me, I got to… 145 00:06:55,195 --> 00:06:56,861 I'll just be one second, okay? 146 00:06:56,945 --> 00:06:58,570 Enjoy yourself, you're in now, so… 147 00:07:02,028 --> 00:07:03,695 That is one tall drink of water. 148 00:07:04,695 --> 00:07:05,695 Uh-huh. 149 00:07:12,445 --> 00:07:13,861 Samantha had worshipped Hugh Hefner 150 00:07:13,945 --> 00:07:15,278 ever since she was old enough 151 00:07:15,361 --> 00:07:16,861 - to steal her father's Playboys. - Oh, my God. 152 00:07:16,945 --> 00:07:19,570 To her, this wasn't a celebrity sighting, 153 00:07:19,653 --> 00:07:22,070 this was the celebrity sighting. 154 00:07:22,153 --> 00:07:23,236 I'll be back. 155 00:07:28,861 --> 00:07:30,236 Hugh, hi. 156 00:07:30,653 --> 00:07:32,445 - Hello. - I'm Samantha Jones. 157 00:07:32,528 --> 00:07:34,320 - Well, hello. - I just wanted to tell you, 158 00:07:34,403 --> 00:07:35,570 I'm a huge fan. 159 00:07:35,653 --> 00:07:37,820 Well, in that case, join us for a drink. 160 00:07:37,903 --> 00:07:39,278 - A drink? - That'd be great. 161 00:07:39,361 --> 00:07:41,070 Oh, well, thank you. 162 00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,653 Seriously? 163 00:07:47,195 --> 00:07:48,903 Drinking with three blondes, 164 00:07:48,986 --> 00:07:51,736 I guess that's just a regular day for you. 165 00:07:51,820 --> 00:07:54,153 A slow one, yes. 166 00:07:55,945 --> 00:07:57,653 Listen, I'm pretty crazed this week, 167 00:07:57,736 --> 00:07:59,445 but I do have a lunch opening on Wednesday. 168 00:07:59,528 --> 00:08:00,945 Can I take you out? 169 00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:03,278 - Link, great table. - Oh. 170 00:08:03,361 --> 00:08:06,611 I had been trying to get into Link for a week. 171 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:08,486 He seemed smart and sexy, 172 00:08:08,570 --> 00:08:11,278 and this outsider was starting to like the view from the inside. 173 00:08:11,361 --> 00:08:12,778 - Yeah, okay. - Great. 174 00:08:12,861 --> 00:08:14,028 - Sure. Okay. - Great. 175 00:08:14,111 --> 00:08:15,486 - Hey, Keith. - Hey, how are you? 176 00:08:15,570 --> 00:08:16,611 You know, there's a VIP room. 177 00:08:17,903 --> 00:08:19,195 You want to go to the VIP room? 178 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,570 Yeah, I want to go to the VIP room. 179 00:08:21,653 --> 00:08:22,945 - Okay, let's go. VIP room. - VIP room? 180 00:08:23,028 --> 00:08:24,028 - All right. - All right. 181 00:08:25,903 --> 00:08:28,445 Back home, Charlotte had never felt more inside. 182 00:08:29,028 --> 00:08:32,403 She had just attended her first black-tie doctors' benefit. 183 00:08:33,778 --> 00:08:35,695 Mmm. Mmm. 184 00:08:37,945 --> 00:08:39,945 Damn, we make a fine-looking couple. 185 00:08:40,028 --> 00:08:41,278 Yes, we do. 186 00:08:43,403 --> 00:08:45,861 So, how did I do? 187 00:08:47,028 --> 00:08:49,695 Well, Mrs. MacDougal, you did quite well. 188 00:08:49,778 --> 00:08:52,486 Well, thank you, Dr. MacDougal. 189 00:08:53,111 --> 00:08:57,611 You know, doctor, I have an itch I was hoping you could help me out with. 190 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:02,486 Trey. 191 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:09,320 You know, maybe it's time we really thought about some options, 192 00:09:09,403 --> 00:09:10,778 like Viagra. 193 00:09:10,861 --> 00:09:11,861 Viagra? 194 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:17,528 Charlotte, are you aware that Viagra is a killer for men with heart problems? 195 00:09:18,195 --> 00:09:21,403 And let me remind you, my father died of a heart attack 196 00:09:21,486 --> 00:09:23,070 and it runs in my family. 197 00:09:23,153 --> 00:09:25,236 Trey wasn't the only one with heart problems. 198 00:09:25,653 --> 00:09:27,028 I'm just trying to help. 199 00:09:28,486 --> 00:09:31,111 Now I'm tense. I'm going for a run. 200 00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:33,778 It was the fifth time Trey had gone running at bedtime 201 00:09:33,861 --> 00:09:35,070 in the last two weeks. 202 00:09:36,778 --> 00:09:40,278 The next day, Samantha decided to get some exercise as well. 203 00:09:40,361 --> 00:09:43,570 Unfortunately, her pocketbook was getting most of the workout. 204 00:09:43,653 --> 00:09:44,778 Fendi, $150. 205 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,528 And so she decided to give her old pocketbook a rest. 206 00:10:02,070 --> 00:10:04,195 That day, as Charlotte picked up my mail, 207 00:10:04,278 --> 00:10:06,903 she realized she missed a lot more than just her sex life… 208 00:10:07,570 --> 00:10:08,986 She missed her single life. 209 00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:12,903 And if Trey could run away from their problems, 210 00:10:13,820 --> 00:10:14,820 so could she. 211 00:10:18,486 --> 00:10:19,945 I can't deal with Trey. 212 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,778 Okay, honey, calling to tell me that 213 00:10:21,861 --> 00:10:23,361 might have been a little more economical. 214 00:10:24,528 --> 00:10:27,903 And, I just… I really missed you guys. 215 00:10:27,986 --> 00:10:30,320 Well, we missed you too. 216 00:10:30,986 --> 00:10:32,903 So, Trey is… 217 00:10:33,445 --> 00:10:36,236 It's not working. And he refuses to even talk about it. 218 00:10:37,695 --> 00:10:39,736 I take it from the wheelie bag, you'll be staying? 219 00:10:40,486 --> 00:10:41,903 I really need a vacation. 220 00:10:41,986 --> 00:10:44,028 Well, you came to the right place. 221 00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:45,736 I got to meet this Keith guy, 222 00:10:45,820 --> 00:10:49,320 um, but Miranda and Samantha are down by the pool. 223 00:10:49,403 --> 00:10:51,028 - Oh? - Oh. 224 00:10:56,653 --> 00:10:58,570 Charlotte glanced down at the glistening pool, 225 00:10:58,653 --> 00:11:02,486 and just like that, her marriage and Trey seemed very far away. 226 00:11:06,611 --> 00:11:10,611 Before lunch, I agreed to go with Keith to see a house he was interested in. 227 00:11:15,153 --> 00:11:18,986 Jesus, this is not a house, this is an airport. 228 00:11:19,736 --> 00:11:20,903 It's Lorenzo Lamas's. 229 00:11:20,986 --> 00:11:23,861 He's asking 3.4, but it'll go for 3.2. 230 00:11:23,945 --> 00:11:25,986 Now there's a bargain. 231 00:11:26,070 --> 00:11:28,111 - Yes? - Hey, come check out the view. 232 00:11:28,195 --> 00:11:30,903 In New York, a first date is dinner and a movie. 233 00:11:30,986 --> 00:11:35,320 In LA, it's lunch and seeing a $3.4-million house. 234 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:36,486 So, what do you think? 235 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,486 I think I should be working in syndicated television. 236 00:11:39,570 --> 00:11:40,611 But it's good, right? 237 00:11:40,695 --> 00:11:43,736 It's really good. 238 00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:47,736 But does a single guy like you need this much space? 239 00:11:48,153 --> 00:11:49,195 Probably not. 240 00:11:49,611 --> 00:11:51,236 But come on, I mean, it looks good. 241 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:52,320 And so did he. 242 00:12:01,236 --> 00:12:04,153 And there, in the South American's living room, 243 00:12:04,236 --> 00:12:06,028 my Brazilian made me kiss him. 244 00:12:09,403 --> 00:12:11,070 Wait till you see the hot tub. 245 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,986 We should go check out the hot tub, huh? 246 00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:17,903 Okey dokey. 247 00:12:20,611 --> 00:12:22,986 I'll have the egg-white omelet with no cheese, 248 00:12:23,070 --> 00:12:24,695 but tomatoes and mushrooms, 249 00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:28,028 and instead of the fries, a side of fruit with no grapes. 250 00:12:28,736 --> 00:12:30,403 And a half decaf skim. 251 00:12:30,486 --> 00:12:32,986 Can I suggest that you get the mushrooms steamed? 252 00:12:33,070 --> 00:12:35,945 Because it lightens the calories but retains the flavor. 253 00:12:36,028 --> 00:12:37,028 Great, thanks. 254 00:12:38,820 --> 00:12:40,611 - I really like LA - Who wouldn't? 255 00:12:40,695 --> 00:12:43,736 Keith wants to buy a $3-million house, and I can't even afford new curtains. 256 00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:46,028 That's where the guy's out here have New York men beat. 257 00:12:46,111 --> 00:12:47,778 - Real estate. - Mmm. 258 00:12:47,861 --> 00:12:49,736 Lew may be the perfect guy. 259 00:12:50,236 --> 00:12:52,028 - Letterman Lew? - Yeah! 260 00:12:52,111 --> 00:12:54,445 He's an ideal combination of the two coasts. 261 00:12:54,528 --> 00:12:58,611 He's still a New Yorker at heart, but he's lost all his anger and neuroses 262 00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,653 and 30 pounds. 263 00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:01,945 Wait a minute, we're New Yorkers. 264 00:13:02,028 --> 00:13:03,820 Aren't we supposed to like the neurotic guys? 265 00:13:03,903 --> 00:13:06,611 Oh, honey, the Woody Allen thing's so over. 266 00:13:06,695 --> 00:13:09,070 I'm telling you, he's a changed man. 267 00:13:09,153 --> 00:13:12,195 He's really spiritual and happy. He met the Dalai Lama. 268 00:13:12,278 --> 00:13:13,986 So? I met Hugh Hefner. 269 00:13:14,070 --> 00:13:17,028 One woman's pornographer is another woman's spiritual leader. 270 00:13:17,111 --> 00:13:19,278 Maybe he's on to something, you know? 271 00:13:19,695 --> 00:13:21,903 Maybe it's time I stopped being so angry. 272 00:13:21,986 --> 00:13:23,820 Yeah, but what would you do with all your free time? 273 00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:25,486 I'll tell you what you could do. 274 00:13:27,528 --> 00:13:28,611 Shop. 275 00:13:28,695 --> 00:13:31,070 - Jesus! - No, you didn't! 276 00:13:31,153 --> 00:13:32,903 That's like, $3,000! 277 00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,111 Or a $150. 278 00:13:34,903 --> 00:13:36,153 - Fake. - No! 279 00:13:36,236 --> 00:13:38,111 Oh, my God, it looks so real. 280 00:13:38,195 --> 00:13:39,695 - I know. - Give me that. 281 00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:42,986 You'd never know it wasn't a real Fendi unless you looked inside at the lining. 282 00:13:43,070 --> 00:13:45,820 Yeah, I don't have that luxury. All my insides are on the outside now. 283 00:13:45,903 --> 00:13:46,888 I don't like fakes. 284 00:13:46,903 --> 00:13:49,195 Oh, who cares? All that matters is what it looks like. 285 00:13:49,278 --> 00:13:50,778 It's pretty good. It's pretty good. 286 00:13:50,861 --> 00:13:52,486 We could go get more. I got the guy's card. 287 00:13:52,570 --> 00:13:54,736 He lives somewhere called the Valley. 288 00:13:56,445 --> 00:13:57,778 Could you have more condoms? 289 00:13:57,861 --> 00:13:59,111 I did, yes. 290 00:13:59,653 --> 00:14:04,195 I am just so happy to be out of that condom stage of life. 291 00:14:04,278 --> 00:14:06,528 And here I thought it was called my 30s. 292 00:14:06,611 --> 00:14:08,820 It's so nice to go to bed with the same man every night. 293 00:14:08,903 --> 00:14:11,445 Please tell me you didn't come to LA to regale us with stories 294 00:14:11,528 --> 00:14:14,028 about how much sex you're having now that you're married. 295 00:14:14,111 --> 00:14:15,861 Charlotte didn't have the nerve to tell them 296 00:14:15,945 --> 00:14:18,236 her conjugal bliss was a conjugal miss. 297 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:21,070 So, what should I do first in LA? 298 00:14:21,736 --> 00:14:25,778 Well, the first thing you'll need is a good bikini wax. 299 00:14:25,861 --> 00:14:28,820 Hey, you should try Alicia. 300 00:14:33,236 --> 00:14:34,653 Ow! 301 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:41,861 That night, after hours of stress-free pool time, 302 00:14:41,945 --> 00:14:43,820 I realized something startling. 303 00:14:44,403 --> 00:14:46,736 I was actually starting to like LA. 304 00:14:48,653 --> 00:14:51,653 New Yorkers are trained to hate Los Angeles. 305 00:14:51,736 --> 00:14:54,320 This supposedly is a place where intellect is ridiculed 306 00:14:54,403 --> 00:14:57,195 and who you date and what you look like is revered. 307 00:14:57,278 --> 00:14:59,820 Yet here we were, having the time of our lives. 308 00:14:59,903 --> 00:15:03,236 The men were happy, the homes were huge, the bags looked great. 309 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,945 And maybe that was enough. 310 00:15:05,611 --> 00:15:07,611 The weather moves from west to east. 311 00:15:07,695 --> 00:15:11,070 Was it just a matter of time before the truth blew across Manhattan? 312 00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:14,445 When it comes to bags, men and cities, 313 00:15:14,528 --> 00:15:16,903 is it really what's outside that counts? 314 00:15:18,111 --> 00:15:21,861 The next day, Samantha and I went to the Valley for Fendi bags. 315 00:15:21,945 --> 00:15:24,403 This is it, 4-5-3-8-6. 316 00:15:24,486 --> 00:15:26,111 Is that an address or a zip code? 317 00:15:26,195 --> 00:15:29,111 - I don't know. - I miss Lorenzo Lamas's neighborhood. 318 00:15:34,278 --> 00:15:35,361 My God. 319 00:15:35,445 --> 00:15:36,820 Oh, there he is. 320 00:15:38,903 --> 00:15:42,070 We had found it, fake Fendi paradise. 321 00:15:44,528 --> 00:15:46,445 He should really work on his display area. 322 00:15:47,445 --> 00:15:49,070 Seven for a thousand, huh. You like? 323 00:15:50,653 --> 00:15:51,820 I should have liked them. 324 00:15:51,903 --> 00:15:53,611 But staring into that trunk, 325 00:15:53,695 --> 00:15:55,778 they no longer looked like elegant Fendi bags. 326 00:15:55,861 --> 00:15:56,986 They just looked cheap. 327 00:15:57,361 --> 00:15:59,486 And even if everyone else thought it was real, 328 00:15:59,570 --> 00:16:02,778 I'd always know my bag came from a cardboard box in a trunk 329 00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:04,361 - deep in the Valley. - This is good. Very good quality. 330 00:16:04,445 --> 00:16:06,986 You know what? I don't think so. 331 00:16:07,361 --> 00:16:08,611 You don't want a bag now? 332 00:16:08,695 --> 00:16:11,320 I'm sorry, they're very nice, it's just… 333 00:16:11,403 --> 00:16:14,111 Yeah, yeah. Please, don't smoke near the bags, huh? 334 00:16:16,945 --> 00:16:19,361 We drove for two hours in the Valley. 335 00:16:20,861 --> 00:16:22,236 - God. - That's it. 336 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:23,820 We're going back to the hotel. 337 00:16:23,903 --> 00:16:24,986 Oh, my God! 338 00:16:25,570 --> 00:16:29,945 They just looked so sad staring up at me from that trunk. 339 00:16:30,028 --> 00:16:32,153 They were waiting for some nice lady to adopt them. 340 00:16:32,236 --> 00:16:33,695 I was almost eaten by dogs. 341 00:16:33,778 --> 00:16:35,528 The least you could've done was buy a bag. 342 00:16:35,611 --> 00:16:37,111 Well, I guess I'd rather wait for the real thing. 343 00:16:37,195 --> 00:16:41,153 Then, at least you know it's one of a kind and special or something. 344 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:44,903 My marriage is a fake Fendi. 345 00:16:45,278 --> 00:16:46,278 Excuse me? 346 00:16:46,861 --> 00:16:50,195 Trey and I look like the perfect couple from the outside, 347 00:16:50,278 --> 00:16:52,361 but on the inside, it's all fake. 348 00:16:52,861 --> 00:16:54,195 It's not special. 349 00:16:54,736 --> 00:16:56,153 He can't even get it up. 350 00:16:56,236 --> 00:16:57,236 What? 351 00:16:57,820 --> 00:16:59,153 We've never had sex. 352 00:16:59,236 --> 00:17:00,570 You've never had sex? 353 00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,903 - But you've been married for… - Over a month! 354 00:17:02,986 --> 00:17:03,986 You've never had sex? 355 00:17:04,486 --> 00:17:06,611 It's not a physical thing, it's emotional. 356 00:17:06,695 --> 00:17:07,903 You knew about this? 357 00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:09,945 She told me at the wedding. 358 00:17:12,361 --> 00:17:14,736 Well, I was afraid you'd just say you told me so, 359 00:17:14,820 --> 00:17:17,070 and then I should never have gotten married so quickly. 360 00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:19,945 Charlotte, who am I to judge you? 361 00:17:20,695 --> 00:17:23,028 We all have our own paths in life. 362 00:17:23,111 --> 00:17:26,070 Apparently, three days with Lew had changed Miranda 363 00:17:26,153 --> 00:17:28,861 from deeply sarcastic to Deepak Chopra. 364 00:17:30,611 --> 00:17:32,111 What am I going to do? 365 00:17:32,195 --> 00:17:33,986 Wait, you've never had sex? 366 00:17:34,070 --> 00:17:36,236 - She's never had sex. - It's only been a month. 367 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,861 Hey, he hasn't seen Brazil. 368 00:17:38,945 --> 00:17:42,153 A second honeymoon to South America. 369 00:17:42,236 --> 00:17:43,778 That might do the trick. 370 00:17:43,861 --> 00:17:46,778 I know how to cheer you up. A trip to the Playboy Mansion. 371 00:17:47,403 --> 00:17:48,445 Hef invited us over 372 00:17:48,528 --> 00:17:51,903 for one of those Playmate pool parties tomorrow afternoon. 373 00:17:51,986 --> 00:17:53,903 Hef? Did you say, Hef? 374 00:17:53,986 --> 00:17:55,153 Why would that cheer her up? 375 00:17:55,236 --> 00:17:57,278 Does she look like a 22-year-old frat boy? 376 00:17:57,361 --> 00:17:59,861 No, but it wouldn't hurt for us to meet some. 377 00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:01,236 Sorry, not going. 378 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,236 Oh, come on, it would be fun. 379 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,445 We're in LA. 380 00:18:05,528 --> 00:18:07,820 All right, fine, but I better be on the guest list. 381 00:18:08,986 --> 00:18:12,611 Later that night, I was a guest at Keith's amazing house. 382 00:18:12,695 --> 00:18:14,111 He made sizzling scallops, 383 00:18:14,195 --> 00:18:16,528 and after dinner, things got even hotter. 384 00:18:16,611 --> 00:18:18,028 I like hot tubs. 385 00:18:18,611 --> 00:18:21,570 New York should have more hot tubs, like on roofs and stuff. 386 00:18:22,445 --> 00:18:23,611 Well, if you like that… 387 00:18:52,611 --> 00:18:54,695 While I was going native with Keith, 388 00:18:54,778 --> 00:18:57,070 Miranda and Lew went back to New York. 389 00:18:57,153 --> 00:18:58,736 Or at least to the New York strip steak. 390 00:18:58,820 --> 00:19:00,486 Oh, this looks great. 391 00:19:00,570 --> 00:19:02,195 Oh, my God, do I miss this smell. 392 00:19:02,278 --> 00:19:04,528 So, you were saying? 393 00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:06,653 You should really read Zen and the Art of Modern Living. 394 00:19:06,736 --> 00:19:08,028 It is so calming. 395 00:19:08,111 --> 00:19:10,028 I'm still trying to get used to bath beads. 396 00:19:10,111 --> 00:19:12,486 You are so New York. 397 00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:14,986 Come on, don't you miss it? 398 00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:16,195 Just a little? 399 00:19:16,278 --> 00:19:18,528 No. I get to write about it every day. 400 00:19:18,611 --> 00:19:20,986 But that's not New York, it's a sound stage. 401 00:19:21,070 --> 00:19:22,820 Twenty-somethings with tiny salaries 402 00:19:22,903 --> 00:19:25,403 don't live in huge SoHo lofts painted bright colors. 403 00:19:25,486 --> 00:19:26,736 It's totally fake. 404 00:19:26,820 --> 00:19:29,445 I think 40 million viewers would disagree with you on that one. 405 00:19:37,361 --> 00:19:38,986 Is something wrong with your steak? 406 00:19:39,070 --> 00:19:40,778 No, uh-uh, it's great. 407 00:19:52,195 --> 00:19:53,486 What are you doing? 408 00:19:53,570 --> 00:19:54,611 I'm tasting my food. 409 00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:56,778 Why aren't you swallowing your food? 410 00:19:57,528 --> 00:19:59,153 Do you think I look this good by eating? 411 00:19:59,945 --> 00:20:02,445 Miranda realized Lew hadn't found inner peace, 412 00:20:02,528 --> 00:20:04,111 he'd found an eating disorder. 413 00:20:04,195 --> 00:20:05,278 Are you serious? 414 00:20:05,361 --> 00:20:07,653 Miranda, don't put your toxic shit on me. 415 00:20:07,736 --> 00:20:09,403 This is fucking LA, okay? 416 00:20:09,486 --> 00:20:11,361 You have no idea what kind of pressure I'm under here. 417 00:20:11,445 --> 00:20:13,570 Who cares what you look like? You're a writer. 418 00:20:13,653 --> 00:20:14,695 For a hit show. 419 00:20:15,195 --> 00:20:17,486 Trust me, no one wants to hire a fat story editor. 420 00:20:17,570 --> 00:20:20,278 All Miranda wanted to do was rip that Knicks hat off his head, 421 00:20:20,361 --> 00:20:25,153 because no self-respecting New Yorker would ever spit out that good a steak. 422 00:20:25,236 --> 00:20:26,445 Jesus fucking Christ! 423 00:20:26,861 --> 00:20:28,111 Now I've lost my appetite. 424 00:20:31,403 --> 00:20:33,195 Waking up in Keith's sun-filled bedroom, 425 00:20:33,278 --> 00:20:35,945 I was starting to feel like 3.4 million myself. 426 00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:38,111 I really like what you have going on down there. 427 00:20:38,861 --> 00:20:41,111 - That would be a whole lot of nothing. - Yeah. 428 00:20:43,236 --> 00:20:44,653 Don't you ever work? 429 00:20:44,736 --> 00:20:46,195 I don't have anything till 11:00. 430 00:20:46,278 --> 00:20:48,028 - Nice life. - Yeah. 431 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,111 What the fuck do you think you're doing? 432 00:20:54,611 --> 00:20:57,986 I told you, no prostitutes when you're house sitting. 433 00:20:59,111 --> 00:21:00,111 You're a house sitter? 434 00:21:00,195 --> 00:21:02,486 Personal assistant. Personal assistant. 435 00:21:02,570 --> 00:21:04,111 I thought you were an agent. 436 00:21:04,195 --> 00:21:06,778 Please, I wish I could get my agent to water my plants. 437 00:21:06,861 --> 00:21:09,820 Apparently, the life I was coveting wasn't Keith's. 438 00:21:09,903 --> 00:21:11,153 It was Carrie Fisher's. 439 00:21:11,236 --> 00:21:14,070 You are so fired. Wait till I tell Penny. 440 00:21:14,153 --> 00:21:15,861 Does this mean that I'm gonna have to return her car? 441 00:21:15,945 --> 00:21:17,070 And Penny Marshall's. 442 00:21:17,153 --> 00:21:18,528 I'm just… I'm gonna… 443 00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:22,236 - You might need these. - Thank you. 444 00:21:23,195 --> 00:21:27,361 Are you going to bring prostitutes to Ben's new $3-million home? 445 00:21:27,445 --> 00:21:28,570 And Ben Affleck's. 446 00:21:28,653 --> 00:21:32,070 You know, I'm not a prostitute. I'm Carrie Bradshaw. 447 00:21:33,278 --> 00:21:35,236 I'm a writer, too. Well, actually, I'm… 448 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,611 Well, I have a column in New York. 449 00:21:38,445 --> 00:21:39,945 I'm Carrie, you're Carrie. 450 00:21:40,028 --> 00:21:41,945 I write, you write. 451 00:21:42,861 --> 00:21:45,736 I have a child, you know, I really… I can't do this. 452 00:21:47,403 --> 00:21:49,070 Have you guys been smoking in here? 453 00:21:51,153 --> 00:21:52,153 Um… 454 00:21:56,153 --> 00:21:57,278 This was always on. 455 00:21:59,028 --> 00:22:01,486 The dry cleaning and the cat food, that's all done. 456 00:22:03,028 --> 00:22:06,236 It was the perfect ending to my week of make-believe. 457 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,403 A visit to the Playboy Mansion, and the Playmate pool party. 458 00:22:11,820 --> 00:22:14,320 Okay, could our lives get any weirder? 459 00:22:14,403 --> 00:22:15,986 Nothing surprises me anymore. 460 00:22:16,070 --> 00:22:18,070 Apparently, in LA, house sitters are somebodies, 461 00:22:18,153 --> 00:22:20,195 and New York writers are prostitutes. 462 00:22:20,278 --> 00:22:22,611 Oh, sweetie, you're at least a high-class escort. 463 00:22:22,695 --> 00:22:24,611 - Thank you. - Fuck Carrie Fisher! 464 00:22:24,695 --> 00:22:26,611 - Oh, now we're angry again? - Oh, yeah. 465 00:22:26,695 --> 00:22:28,195 Well, frankly, I blame the wax. 466 00:22:28,278 --> 00:22:30,570 - That's it, blame it on Rio. - What? 467 00:22:32,695 --> 00:22:36,403 After the sun went down, the party really started heating up. 468 00:22:37,278 --> 00:22:40,236 Where are the girls in the satin outfits and the bunny ears? 469 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,903 Yeah, I want to see some bunny ears. 470 00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:47,820 Goes far, flies near To the stars away from here… 471 00:22:47,903 --> 00:22:51,361 Meanwhile, somewhere between the Italian grotto and the petting zoo, 472 00:22:51,445 --> 00:22:53,195 Charlotte found something real. 473 00:22:53,278 --> 00:22:54,528 His name was Ian. 474 00:22:54,611 --> 00:22:56,361 And that's when I started collecting Hockney. 475 00:22:56,445 --> 00:22:58,445 I love Hockney! 476 00:22:58,528 --> 00:23:02,153 Oh, the colors in his pool series are so LA. 477 00:23:02,236 --> 00:23:04,736 The blues and those deep, deep greens. 478 00:23:04,820 --> 00:23:09,153 Oh, God. It is such a pleasure talking to an intelligent woman for once. 479 00:23:09,236 --> 00:23:12,111 And I love talking to you, too. 480 00:23:12,653 --> 00:23:14,986 It's so nice to be with a man who talks. 481 00:23:15,070 --> 00:23:16,361 I love LA! 482 00:23:17,695 --> 00:23:20,278 I guess that third welcome-wagon drink has finally kicked in. 483 00:23:23,028 --> 00:23:24,695 This is bad of me. 484 00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:26,945 Is this bad of me? I mean, I'm drunk, 485 00:23:27,028 --> 00:23:29,445 and I'm laying here with a man I hardly know. 486 00:23:29,528 --> 00:23:30,736 It's the Playboy Mansion. 487 00:23:30,820 --> 00:23:32,570 I mean, things could be a lot worse. 488 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:37,820 You're nice, Ian. You're really, really nice. 489 00:23:37,903 --> 00:23:39,445 And you're nice too, Charlotte. 490 00:23:40,611 --> 00:23:43,861 Hey, let me buy you some boobs. 491 00:23:45,070 --> 00:23:47,486 - Pardon me? - What? It's a gift. 492 00:23:47,570 --> 00:23:49,736 I don't need any breasts! 493 00:23:51,486 --> 00:23:54,861 Charlotte had forgotten how awful single life could be. 494 00:23:54,945 --> 00:23:57,320 And suddenly, marriage, with all its problems, 495 00:23:57,403 --> 00:23:58,695 wasn't looking so bad. 496 00:24:02,111 --> 00:24:04,695 Oh! Someone stole my fake Fendi! 497 00:24:04,778 --> 00:24:06,611 - Are you sure? - I put the bag down beside me, 498 00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:08,195 when I got up it was gone. 499 00:24:09,528 --> 00:24:12,653 Oh, my God. That bunny's got my bag. 500 00:24:19,153 --> 00:24:21,111 - All right, give me my bag. - Excuse me? 501 00:24:21,195 --> 00:24:23,111 - You stole my bag. - This is my bag. 502 00:24:23,986 --> 00:24:25,986 - Are we having a problem here? - Yes. 503 00:24:26,070 --> 00:24:28,861 I'm sorry to tell you this, but this bunny stole my bag. 504 00:24:28,945 --> 00:24:30,195 It's my bag. 505 00:24:31,236 --> 00:24:33,653 - She says it's her bag. - Look on the inside. 506 00:24:33,736 --> 00:24:35,861 You'll see, there's a label that says "Made in China" 507 00:24:35,945 --> 00:24:37,486 and there's a bunch of condoms in there. 508 00:24:40,736 --> 00:24:42,570 See? Fendi. 509 00:24:43,111 --> 00:24:44,695 Samantha was mortified. 510 00:24:44,778 --> 00:24:46,861 She assumed everything on the bunny was fake. 511 00:24:49,236 --> 00:24:50,986 Okay, then… 512 00:24:51,070 --> 00:24:52,653 Innocent mistake. 513 00:24:53,361 --> 00:24:57,028 Apparently, one nod from Hef and the pool party was over. 514 00:24:57,486 --> 00:24:59,403 I'm not leaving without my friends. 515 00:24:59,903 --> 00:25:01,028 I'm so sorry. 516 00:25:02,695 --> 00:25:06,445 The fake Fendi ended up costing $150 for the bag, 517 00:25:06,528 --> 00:25:09,361 $2,000 in stolen credit card charges, 518 00:25:09,445 --> 00:25:12,570 and unspecified costs to Samantha's ego. 519 00:25:14,361 --> 00:25:15,653 And across the compound, 520 00:25:15,736 --> 00:25:19,070 Miranda and I took a wrong turn on the way to the buffet. 521 00:25:26,278 --> 00:25:28,695 Look at that. Tit soup. 522 00:25:30,153 --> 00:25:31,695 It's time to go home. 523 00:25:32,528 --> 00:25:33,778 Oh, there you are. 524 00:25:34,445 --> 00:25:35,430 We have to leave. 525 00:25:35,445 --> 00:25:36,611 We are. 526 00:25:36,986 --> 00:25:37,986 Right now. 527 00:25:38,445 --> 00:25:40,945 Oh, relax, we're going, we're going. 528 00:25:41,570 --> 00:25:43,278 - What'd she do? - I don't know. 529 00:25:46,153 --> 00:25:47,361 What happened? 530 00:25:47,445 --> 00:25:49,820 All right, all right. 531 00:25:51,278 --> 00:25:54,945 The next day, four New Yorkers left LA a little lighter. 532 00:25:55,028 --> 00:25:59,111 Some of us had lost our hair, and all of us had lost a little dignity. 533 00:25:59,195 --> 00:26:03,236 Samantha couldn't wait to get back to the crime-free streets of Manhattan. 534 00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:05,778 Miranda couldn't wait to get back to men who swallowed. 535 00:26:05,861 --> 00:26:08,236 Charlotte couldn't wait to get back to Trey. 536 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:09,320 And as for me? 537 00:26:10,195 --> 00:26:11,945 - I couldn't wait. - You can't smoke in here. 538 00:26:12,028 --> 00:26:14,611 Oh, relax, we're going, we're going. 539 00:26:24,570 --> 00:26:27,028 Six hours later, I was home. 540 00:26:27,111 --> 00:26:30,111 And it looked even better on the inside than I remembered it. 541 00:26:30,570 --> 00:26:33,778 Because inside, it was all real. 542 00:26:39,195 --> 00:26:41,320 I was starting to feel like myself again. 543 00:26:44,111 --> 00:26:46,653 And the rest of me would grow back, eventually.