1
00:00:48,238 --> 00:00:50,821
They say that if you've lived
in New York for ten years,

2
00:00:50,905 --> 00:00:52,988
you can officially call yourself
a New Yorker.

3
00:00:53,655 --> 00:00:57,321
But the trained eye can always spot
the ones who were born here.

4
00:00:57,905 --> 00:01:01,238
I want it all, I want it now,
and I want you to get it for me.

5
00:01:01,321 --> 00:01:03,488
After firing
her last two publicists,

6
00:01:04,196 --> 00:01:07,238
Jenny Brier, the daughter
of a wealthy New York restaurateur,

7
00:01:07,321 --> 00:01:08,863
had decided that Samantha

8
00:01:08,946 --> 00:01:11,530
would be taking over the PR
for her upcoming party.

9
00:01:12,863 --> 00:01:17,863
I want Vanity Fair, Carson Daly,
People, Teen People, InStyle, NSYNC…

10
00:01:17,946 --> 00:01:19,488
Jenny, sweetie.

11
00:01:20,321 --> 00:01:23,363
Don't take this the wrong way,
but how old are you?

12
00:01:23,446 --> 00:01:25,905
Hello, it's my bat mitzvah party.
I'm 13.

13
00:01:25,988 --> 00:01:30,030
- You're 13 years old?
- Duh! And what are you, like, 45?

14
00:01:30,113 --> 00:01:33,238
And just like that,
the meeting was officially over.

15
00:01:33,321 --> 00:01:36,696
I'm sorry, I don't do kids' parties.

16
00:01:36,780 --> 00:01:40,113
Sweetie, my father has invited over 300

17
00:01:40,196 --> 00:01:41,946
of his most powerful friends
to this event.

18
00:01:42,530 --> 00:01:45,446
They're not all coming.
The Clintons can't make it, of course.

19
00:01:45,530 --> 00:01:48,030
Like I told Daddy, we'll be lucky
if we can swing this for under a mil.

20
00:01:48,780 --> 00:01:51,155
But what do I know? I'm just a kid.

21
00:01:54,363 --> 00:01:55,780
We'll never get NSYNC.

22
00:01:58,155 --> 00:02:01,738
After meeting her new client,
Samantha met Charlotte, Miranda and me

23
00:02:01,821 --> 00:02:04,113
for the latest trend
in Manhattan power lunching,

24
00:02:04,196 --> 00:02:06,030
haute cafeteria cuisine.

25
00:02:09,571 --> 00:02:10,738
You coming in for a landing, sister?

26
00:02:11,655 --> 00:02:13,321
Sorry. Cute guy.

27
00:02:13,905 --> 00:02:15,530
I thought he was checking me out
for a second.

28
00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:16,696
Where?

29
00:02:17,530 --> 00:02:20,321
Hey, stop, don't turn.

30
00:02:20,405 --> 00:02:22,946
He's a cutie, all right.

31
00:02:23,446 --> 00:02:24,348
Definitely looking.

32
00:02:24,363 --> 00:02:27,321
Looking at you guys looking at him,
like I asked you not to.

33
00:02:27,405 --> 00:02:28,988
- Take your tray over there.
- What!

34
00:02:29,071 --> 00:02:31,321
- No.
- Absolutely. Why not?

35
00:02:31,405 --> 00:02:33,696
Because this isn't PS 147.
We're adults now.

36
00:02:33,780 --> 00:02:35,030
She's married, for Christ's sake.

37
00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:36,405
We have to at least pretend
to know better.

38
00:02:37,446 --> 00:02:40,405
So, I finally went to the doctor
about my headaches.

39
00:02:40,488 --> 00:02:41,905
Still looking.

40
00:02:42,571 --> 00:02:44,530
Which you're not helping, thanks.

41
00:02:44,613 --> 00:02:47,321
Because I've been trying
to diagnose myself on the Internet.

42
00:02:47,405 --> 00:02:48,613
- You can do that?
- Sure.

43
00:02:48,696 --> 00:02:51,030
You just type in your symptoms,
hit "enter,"

44
00:02:51,113 --> 00:02:53,030
and wait for the word "cancer"
to appear on the screen.

45
00:02:53,113 --> 00:02:56,113
Anyway, turns out I'm a tongue-thruster.

46
00:02:56,738 --> 00:02:59,321
Now, see, if you were a man,
that would be a good thing.

47
00:02:59,905 --> 00:03:03,446
My tongue pushes up against
my front teeth, so my bite is all off.

48
00:03:03,530 --> 00:03:04,946
My dentist thinks I have TMJ.

49
00:03:05,030 --> 00:03:06,738
Come on, you have to do something.

50
00:03:06,821 --> 00:03:08,696
I am.
I'm going to the orthodontist tomorrow.

51
00:03:08,780 --> 00:03:10,780
No, I mean, he's really cute.

52
00:03:10,863 --> 00:03:14,780
- She could write him a note.
- I know. Even cuter!

53
00:03:14,863 --> 00:03:17,030
You guys, I'm not writing him a note.

54
00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:19,988
- Dear Mr. Cutie-Cute.
- You did not just write that.

55
00:03:20,071 --> 00:03:21,530
No. Just your phone number.

56
00:03:21,613 --> 00:03:23,696
I'm not giving him my phone number.

57
00:03:23,780 --> 00:03:26,488
Oh, relax, TMJ. You don't have to.

58
00:03:26,946 --> 00:03:28,488
- I'll do it for ya.
- Carrie.

59
00:03:29,363 --> 00:03:30,613
- Carrie.
- Go, girl.

60
00:03:30,696 --> 00:03:31,696
Oh, my God.

61
00:03:35,821 --> 00:03:39,946
Hi. I'm sorry to bother you,
but my friend Miranda over there…

62
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,821
- Oh, my God.
- She thinks you're kinda cute.

63
00:03:44,821 --> 00:03:48,071
Please tell your friend Miranda
to call me.

64
00:03:53,905 --> 00:03:58,071
On the way home from lunch,
I decided to brave the afternoon heat

65
00:03:58,155 --> 00:04:00,363
to see if my favorite shoe-repair guy
could do anything

66
00:04:00,446 --> 00:04:02,196
about my tired old soles.

67
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:07,571
But when I got there,
there was no "there" there.

68
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,696
Hey, what happened to Artie?

69
00:04:25,446 --> 00:04:29,905
- Artie?
- Artie. My guy. My shoe guy.

70
00:04:29,988 --> 00:04:31,446
He fixed these the last time.

71
00:04:31,571 --> 00:04:33,863
Oh, yeah, Artie.
Nah, he moved back to Williamsburg.

72
00:04:33,946 --> 00:04:35,863
- Oh.
- Brooklyn, not Colonial.

73
00:04:36,321 --> 00:04:39,155
He couldn't afford the place
once they destabilized the rent.

74
00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:41,821
And if the comic business
keeps going the way it is,

75
00:04:41,905 --> 00:04:43,196
I'm not sure I'll be able to either.

76
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:46,613
- Oh, comics aren't selling, huh?
- No, especially mine.

77
00:04:50,363 --> 00:04:52,988
"Power Lad by Wade Adams."

78
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:55,696
Is this you? Did you draw this?

79
00:04:56,821 --> 00:04:57,821
Wow!

80
00:04:58,571 --> 00:05:01,405
So, what's so powerful about him?

81
00:05:01,488 --> 00:05:06,071
He's a superhero, or he wants to be.
See, his parents were superheroes.

82
00:05:06,155 --> 00:05:07,946
And he's trying to figure out
what his superpowers are.

83
00:05:08,030 --> 00:05:09,071
They haven't really kicked in yet.

84
00:05:09,655 --> 00:05:11,196
It's stupid.
What do you… What do you do?

85
00:05:11,655 --> 00:05:12,946
Oh, I'm a writer.

86
00:05:13,030 --> 00:05:14,738
Really, that's cool. What do you write?

87
00:05:14,821 --> 00:05:17,238
Turn to page seven
of your newspaper there.

88
00:05:22,780 --> 00:05:24,821
Ah, yes, I thought you looked familiar.

89
00:05:25,488 --> 00:05:28,613
- You ever think about writing comics?
- Aren't the comics more of a boy thing?

90
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:31,238
No way!
There's all kinds of women superheroes.

91
00:05:31,321 --> 00:05:33,238
Batgirl, Supergirl, Black Canary.

92
00:05:33,613 --> 00:05:35,238
I know you've heard of Wonder Woman.

93
00:05:35,738 --> 00:05:39,446
Oh, with the bracelets and the tiara.

94
00:05:39,530 --> 00:05:43,238
I used to love that
even her accessories had superpowers.

95
00:05:43,321 --> 00:05:44,321
Oh, man.

96
00:05:52,113 --> 00:05:53,280
What's wrong with them?

97
00:05:53,363 --> 00:05:55,988
Well, see, to them,
you are Wonder Woman.

98
00:05:56,488 --> 00:05:59,530
- All right, stop. I'll buy some.
- All right.

99
00:06:06,613 --> 00:06:08,530
I never did get my shoes fixed.

100
00:06:08,613 --> 00:06:11,071
But the following week,
I did get a new pair of boots.

101
00:06:14,530 --> 00:06:15,655
I don't know what came over me,

102
00:06:15,738 --> 00:06:17,821
but I suddenly felt compelled
to call and thank him.

103
00:06:18,613 --> 00:06:21,613
Even as a superhero,
I was powerless to resist.

104
00:06:23,196 --> 00:06:26,655
That evening,
inspired by Miranda's digital diagnosis,

105
00:06:26,738 --> 00:06:29,280
Charlotte went surfing
for a cure for Trey's condition.

106
00:06:32,071 --> 00:06:35,113
There it was,
in both the on and off positions.

107
00:06:35,196 --> 00:06:39,905
$8,000 worth of hydraulics that could
turn Trey into the Bionic Man.

108
00:06:40,238 --> 00:06:43,655
Ordinarily, this was the kind of thing
Charlotte would shy away from,

109
00:06:43,738 --> 00:06:45,613
but since her marriage
was shy of wood…

110
00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:51,405
That night, I met Wade Adams
alias Power Lad at Bar Code,

111
00:06:51,488 --> 00:06:55,613
a Times Square bar that specialized
in real drinks and virtual reality.

112
00:06:55,696 --> 00:06:58,571
I can't believe this place.
It's like ten bucks a game.

113
00:06:58,655 --> 00:07:00,821
Yeah, but, you know,
games come with beer.

114
00:07:00,905 --> 00:07:03,821
Yeah, that's 'cause they want you
to play half as well and twice as much.

115
00:07:04,321 --> 00:07:05,530
Sounds good to me.

116
00:07:05,613 --> 00:07:08,821
What will it be,
a little Bloodburst or Terrorfright ll?

117
00:07:08,905 --> 00:07:11,238
Whatever happened
to Frogger and Ms. Pac-Man?

118
00:07:11,321 --> 00:07:14,821
- She got married.
- No! To Pac-man?

119
00:07:15,196 --> 00:07:17,113
Aw! Good for them.

120
00:07:17,196 --> 00:07:18,905
Man, where have I been?

121
00:07:18,988 --> 00:07:21,238
I don't know, but you wanna go to Mars?

122
00:07:21,321 --> 00:07:23,905
- For ten bucks? It's a bargain.
- Let's go.

123
00:07:24,738 --> 00:07:26,946
Then, without ever leaving
the building,

124
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:30,196
Power Lad took me
to the furthest reaches of the galaxy.

125
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,863
And right back to seventh grade.

126
00:07:31,946 --> 00:07:34,405
You're about to
journey to Mars. Pilot, please select…

127
00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:37,071
- There we go.
- Oh, God.

128
00:07:37,571 --> 00:07:38,655
It was maddening.

129
00:07:39,321 --> 00:07:43,905
Bram and Pippin favored the '78 Lafite,
which is entirely acceptable.

130
00:07:43,988 --> 00:07:45,905
The implant's patented
on/off switch

131
00:07:45,988 --> 00:07:47,905
had Charlotte thinking about Trey's.

132
00:07:48,446 --> 00:07:51,613
She desperately wanted to turn his on,
but she didn't know where to find it.

133
00:07:51,696 --> 00:07:53,363
But at the end of the night,
the joke was on him.

134
00:07:53,446 --> 00:07:55,321
'Cause we ordered both.

135
00:07:56,946 --> 00:07:57,946
How was your day?

136
00:07:59,488 --> 00:08:02,280
Well, I went to the gallery
in the morning,

137
00:08:02,363 --> 00:08:05,363
and then the framer's in the afternoon.

138
00:08:06,863 --> 00:08:10,446
And then I found this,
on the Internet. See?

139
00:08:14,863 --> 00:08:16,071
What on Earth…

140
00:08:18,071 --> 00:08:19,405
Charlotte, what are you getting at?

141
00:08:20,155 --> 00:08:21,280
Well, just that…

142
00:08:21,863 --> 00:08:22,863
Well…

143
00:08:23,863 --> 00:08:25,530
We've tried everything else,

144
00:08:26,071 --> 00:08:27,196
and we still…

145
00:08:27,988 --> 00:08:28,988
You haven't…

146
00:08:29,738 --> 00:08:31,446
in my… ever…

147
00:08:31,530 --> 00:08:32,530
So…

148
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,071
So, I just thought…

149
00:08:37,571 --> 00:08:38,696
You can't be serious.

150
00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:41,363
What other options do we have?

151
00:08:50,946 --> 00:08:52,905
Five beers, four video games,

152
00:08:52,988 --> 00:08:55,405
102-degrees-outside later…

153
00:08:58,196 --> 00:08:59,196
Oh, man.

154
00:09:01,238 --> 00:09:03,155
Aw… You gotta be kidding.

155
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:05,613
What? This is fun.

156
00:09:06,071 --> 00:09:07,613
It's cheaper than taking cabs.

157
00:09:08,238 --> 00:09:09,738
Besides, all the kids got them.

158
00:09:10,696 --> 00:09:13,321
- You wanna try it?
- It's too hot to scoot.

159
00:09:13,405 --> 00:09:17,363
Then we could go to my place.
I got a terrace, I got a great view.

160
00:09:17,446 --> 00:09:19,238
And the breeze up there is even better.

161
00:09:19,321 --> 00:09:22,821
I'm not the kind of girl who scoots
to a guy's terrace on the first date.

162
00:09:24,696 --> 00:09:25,905
I could respect that.

163
00:09:26,905 --> 00:09:29,571
- I have central air.
- Give me that scooter.

164
00:09:29,655 --> 00:09:31,488
- You ever been on one?
- No.

165
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,988
- That's great.
- Thank you.

166
00:09:34,821 --> 00:09:36,988
I'm scooting in heels.

167
00:09:37,780 --> 00:09:38,780
You know.

168
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:54,155
You said you had a view, not the view.

169
00:09:54,238 --> 00:09:58,113
And this breeze, it's like
there's even different air up here.

170
00:09:58,696 --> 00:10:00,155
How do you have all this?

171
00:10:00,613 --> 00:10:01,905
Why don't I go get us some beers?

172
00:10:01,988 --> 00:10:04,405
Then we can talk
adventures and real estate.

173
00:10:07,155 --> 00:10:10,030
How was it possible
that mild-mannered Power Lad

174
00:10:10,113 --> 00:10:12,238
could afford a classic six
on the Upper East Side

175
00:10:12,321 --> 00:10:14,196
with a terrace and a view of the park?

176
00:10:14,988 --> 00:10:16,571
Was he merely Power Lad by day

177
00:10:16,655 --> 00:10:18,905
and secretly
a millionaire playboy by night?

178
00:10:21,696 --> 00:10:22,738
Hello?

179
00:10:23,655 --> 00:10:25,113
Oh, you scared me.

180
00:10:25,196 --> 00:10:28,196
I just heard voices outside and…

181
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:29,405
- You're up.
- Oh.

182
00:10:29,488 --> 00:10:31,946
- Did we wake you?
- Oh, no, no, you know me,

183
00:10:32,030 --> 00:10:33,655
always keeping the watch.

184
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:36,238
- Uh, did you meet Carrie?
- Um…

185
00:10:36,321 --> 00:10:38,238
Carrie,
I'd like you to meet my mother.

186
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:40,280
Hello.

187
00:10:40,821 --> 00:10:43,780
- It's a beautiful night, isn't it?
- Yeah.

188
00:10:44,738 --> 00:10:47,196
Well, I'm off to bed.

189
00:10:48,488 --> 00:10:49,821
You two have fun.

190
00:10:51,696 --> 00:10:53,363
- But don't stay up too late, dear.
- No.

191
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,446
- Good night.
- Good night.

192
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,196
It's lovely to meet you, Carrie.

193
00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:01,155
Oh, lovely to meet you too, Mrs. Adams.

194
00:11:05,530 --> 00:11:08,738
- He lives with his parents?
- It's their apartment.

195
00:11:08,821 --> 00:11:11,988
The next day at Commune,
Daddy Brier's latest restaurant,

196
00:11:12,071 --> 00:11:14,446
I asked Samantha
about my prospects with Power Lad.

197
00:11:14,530 --> 00:11:16,030
Not sexy, honey.

198
00:11:16,113 --> 00:11:18,613
Dump him immediately.
Here, use my cell phone.

199
00:11:18,696 --> 00:11:20,280
But it's only because
he put all his money

200
00:11:20,363 --> 00:11:21,405
in the comic book store.

201
00:11:21,488 --> 00:11:22,780
Still not sexy. What's his number?

202
00:11:22,863 --> 00:11:25,155
Because he's saving up
for his own place.

203
00:11:25,238 --> 00:11:26,946
Come on, you know how tough
the market is right now.

204
00:11:27,030 --> 00:11:29,988
Plus, he's fun and funny.

205
00:11:30,071 --> 00:11:31,988
Honey, stop while you're still sexy.

206
00:11:32,071 --> 00:11:33,905
So, are you saying there's no way

207
00:11:33,988 --> 00:11:35,821
you'd go out with a guy
who lived with his family?

208
00:11:35,905 --> 00:11:38,238
Well, maybe Prince William.

209
00:11:39,238 --> 00:11:41,238
I'm sorry I'm late.

210
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:45,821
This is what happens
to tongue-thrusters.

211
00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:48,988
I have to wear them for a year.
Am I hideous?

212
00:11:49,571 --> 00:11:50,613
No.

213
00:11:50,696 --> 00:11:54,155
Hey, no. No, they don't look so bad.

214
00:11:54,238 --> 00:11:55,655
Really? You mean it?

215
00:11:55,738 --> 00:11:57,321
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

216
00:11:57,405 --> 00:12:00,321
Are you in pain?
I'm in pain just looking at you.

217
00:12:00,405 --> 00:12:04,071
I'm a 34-year-old woman with braces,
and I'm on a liquid diet.

218
00:12:04,155 --> 00:12:05,696
"Pain" doesn't begin to cover it.

219
00:12:06,780 --> 00:12:09,488
- Oh, look, lunch.
- We didn't order champagne.

220
00:12:09,613 --> 00:12:11,196
Compliments of Jenny Brier.

221
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,696
Ah, you always get
the nicest compliments.

222
00:12:13,780 --> 00:12:16,238
Do you realize a 13-year-old girl

223
00:12:16,321 --> 00:12:18,988
just bought us
a $200-bottle of Dom Perignon?

224
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:21,946
You know what I was buying
when I was 13? Nothing.

225
00:12:22,030 --> 00:12:25,405
I couldn't afford anything.
I was serving Dilly Bars at Dairy Queen.

226
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:28,946
Where is she?
Where's that little Brat Mitzvah beast?

227
00:12:30,071 --> 00:12:33,071
- Jenny!
- So, ladies, is everything fabulous?

228
00:12:33,155 --> 00:12:35,530
It is now. I didn't know you were here.

229
00:12:35,613 --> 00:12:37,363
And I didn't know
you knew Carrie Bradshaw?

230
00:12:37,821 --> 00:12:39,821
You are fucking fabulous.

231
00:12:39,905 --> 00:12:43,405
Your column about secret sex?
Hello, my life.

232
00:12:43,863 --> 00:12:47,238
Seriously. My ex was so completely
about the sex when we were alone,

233
00:12:47,321 --> 00:12:49,405
but at school in the hallway,
I didn't exist.

234
00:12:49,905 --> 00:12:52,780
- And they're all like that.
- Or worse. Men suck.

235
00:12:56,571 --> 00:12:57,571
What?

236
00:12:57,988 --> 00:13:00,071
I'm sorry, are your braces blue?

237
00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:02,071
No, they're sapphire.

238
00:13:02,571 --> 00:13:03,738
Oh, my God. Look.

239
00:13:04,363 --> 00:13:05,571
You have the old-fashioned kind.

240
00:13:05,655 --> 00:13:07,405
I didn't even know
they made those anymore.

241
00:13:07,488 --> 00:13:09,071
I said I'll be there.

242
00:13:09,155 --> 00:13:11,280
We have to dash.
Enjoy your meal, ladies.

243
00:13:11,363 --> 00:13:13,446
You are so fucking fabulous.

244
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,488
Her braces are sapphire.

245
00:13:19,571 --> 00:13:21,571
I'm a 34-year-old nerd.

246
00:13:22,946 --> 00:13:26,071
- How old are they?
- Thirteen.

247
00:13:26,780 --> 00:13:28,696
- But they sound…
- I know.

248
00:13:28,780 --> 00:13:30,238
- And they're dressed…
- I know.

249
00:13:30,613 --> 00:13:32,030
Just like us.

250
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:36,613
Were Jenny Brier
and her friends

251
00:13:36,696 --> 00:13:38,696
dressed like
30-something-year-old women,

252
00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:41,196
or were we trying
to look like teenagers?

253
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,613
One of us was sending over Dom Perignon,

254
00:13:43,696 --> 00:13:45,780
while another was touring
around New York on a scooter.

255
00:13:46,530 --> 00:13:49,196
When you're a teenager,
all you want to do is buy beer.

256
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,946
But once you hit 30,
all you want to do is get carded.

257
00:13:52,696 --> 00:13:55,363
I wondered,
in today's youth-obsessed culture,

258
00:13:55,446 --> 00:13:59,780
are the women of my generation
growing into mature responsible adults,

259
00:13:59,863 --> 00:14:02,988
or are we 34 going on 13?

260
00:14:04,446 --> 00:14:06,988
After a week of self-imposed seclusion,

261
00:14:07,071 --> 00:14:10,280
Miranda finally felt strong enough
for solid food and table service

262
00:14:10,363 --> 00:14:12,988
with Lance Bloom,
a senior editor at Knopf.

263
00:14:13,071 --> 00:14:17,071
I started out wanting to be a writer,
but it's such a solitary life.

264
00:14:17,155 --> 00:14:20,113
I'm much more interested
in collaborating with someone.

265
00:14:20,196 --> 00:14:21,946
What are you working on now?

266
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:24,488
Uh…

267
00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:26,113
You have a little…

268
00:14:28,113 --> 00:14:30,863
I just got these. I guess they're going
to take some getting used to.

269
00:14:32,196 --> 00:14:33,196
Oh, my God.

270
00:14:34,155 --> 00:14:38,863
So, what's it like
to, uh, kiss somebody with those things?

271
00:14:40,238 --> 00:14:42,780
- The doctor said it should be fine.
- Ah.

272
00:14:43,488 --> 00:14:45,238
But a blow job's
out of the question, right?

273
00:14:48,405 --> 00:14:50,321
Oh. I was kidding.

274
00:14:51,530 --> 00:14:54,321
That was… That was a joke. I'm sorry.

275
00:14:55,946 --> 00:14:59,155
He just didn't want your hardware
getting too close to his software.

276
00:14:59,238 --> 00:15:01,071
Oh, it's not just him, it's everybody.

277
00:15:01,155 --> 00:15:02,280
I can't open my mouth

278
00:15:02,363 --> 00:15:05,613
without the whole world looking at me
like I'm a freak.

279
00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:07,113
It's like I'm suddenly
back in junior high.

280
00:15:07,196 --> 00:15:09,696
And believe me, I was lucky
to get out alive the first time.

281
00:15:09,780 --> 00:15:13,280
Maybe you should think of it as mouth
jewelry. You know, tooth bracelet.

282
00:15:13,363 --> 00:15:14,905
I'm never dating again.

283
00:15:14,988 --> 00:15:16,946
Oh, of course you are.
Listen, if the guy's worth dating,

284
00:15:17,030 --> 00:15:19,446
he's not gonna care about your braces.
He's gonna care about you.

285
00:15:19,905 --> 00:15:21,905
That was so Afterschool Special of you.

286
00:15:21,988 --> 00:15:25,405
Well, in the Afterschool Special,
you'd see him across the cafeteria.

287
00:15:25,488 --> 00:15:28,696
He'd smile, and he'd have braces too.

288
00:15:28,780 --> 00:15:30,946
Yeah, but the sick thing is,

289
00:15:31,030 --> 00:15:33,571
I would never date a guy with braces.
Even now.

290
00:15:34,155 --> 00:15:35,155
Come on, are you kidding me?

291
00:15:35,238 --> 00:15:36,488
Don't you think
that's a little childish?

292
00:15:37,196 --> 00:15:40,696
- More lemonade, Carrie?
- Yes, please, Mrs. Adams.

293
00:15:40,780 --> 00:15:44,655
And how about some nice,
homemade Toll House cookies?

294
00:15:44,738 --> 00:15:46,446
Yes, please, Mrs. Adams.

295
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,530
On closer inspection,

296
00:15:48,613 --> 00:15:52,030
it turned out this "living with
the parents thing" wasn't so bad.

297
00:15:52,113 --> 00:15:54,446
It was like having servants
you didn't have to pay.

298
00:15:55,530 --> 00:15:58,238
Oh, and Carrie,
can you stay for dinner?

299
00:15:58,321 --> 00:15:59,321
Uh-huh.

300
00:16:01,613 --> 00:16:06,488
Faced with the idea of having
hydraulic cylinders placed in his shaft,

301
00:16:06,571 --> 00:16:09,821
Trey decided to pursue
the less physically demanding option

302
00:16:09,905 --> 00:16:10,988
of couples counseling

303
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:14,155
with a therapist he'd found
through his college alumni association.

304
00:16:14,238 --> 00:16:19,238
I sense you're both having difficulty
verbalizing your sexual issues.

305
00:16:22,238 --> 00:16:25,530
With some clients,
I've found it often helps to

306
00:16:26,155 --> 00:16:29,780
create your own non-threatening language
with which to talk about sex.

307
00:16:31,363 --> 00:16:32,946
I'm not sure that I understand.

308
00:16:33,030 --> 00:16:37,696
Well, for example,
one client, rather whimsically,

309
00:16:37,780 --> 00:16:41,196
dubbed his anus
"the Chocolate Starfish."

310
00:16:42,030 --> 00:16:43,571
Are you quite sure you went to Yale?

311
00:16:44,238 --> 00:16:49,738
Charlotte, if you could
rename your vagina

312
00:16:49,821 --> 00:16:51,488
something completely non-sexual,

313
00:16:51,571 --> 00:16:54,738
something that didn't feel threatening
to yourself or Trey,

314
00:16:56,113 --> 00:16:57,238
what would you call it?

315
00:17:00,530 --> 00:17:01,655
Rebecca.

316
00:17:02,863 --> 00:17:05,321
Rebecca? Why on Earth would you…

317
00:17:05,405 --> 00:17:08,196
'Cause it sounds nice,
and I've always liked the name.

318
00:17:09,113 --> 00:17:10,321
Now you name yours.

319
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:15,780
- Oh, this is preposterous.
- Something with positive associations.

320
00:17:18,655 --> 00:17:22,155
Well, Trey loves to sail.
Don't you, Trey?

321
00:17:22,238 --> 00:17:24,488
Yeah, that's true. I do love to sail.

322
00:17:24,571 --> 00:17:27,821
So, how about something like Canoe?

323
00:17:28,613 --> 00:17:29,613
Canoe?

324
00:17:31,446 --> 00:17:33,446
"Canoe" doesn't go with "Rebecca."

325
00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:34,696
Well, what, then?

326
00:17:36,113 --> 00:17:38,280
Uh, well, how about, um…

327
00:17:39,863 --> 00:17:42,946
- Schooner.
- Schooner's good.

328
00:17:43,030 --> 00:17:45,488
Rebecca and Schooner.
Schooner's good, isn't it?

329
00:17:45,571 --> 00:17:48,405
Oh, that's very good. It's very good.

330
00:17:48,488 --> 00:17:51,196
This is a wonderful beginning.

331
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:56,113
There's still a lot of work ahead,
some here and some at home.

332
00:17:56,613 --> 00:17:59,238
So, tonight, as homework,

333
00:17:59,321 --> 00:18:03,446
I want you to lie down together,
side by side, without touching,

334
00:18:04,405 --> 00:18:08,030
and share a sexual fantasy.

335
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,488
I'm a fairy princess in a forest,

336
00:18:13,446 --> 00:18:14,988
and I'm riding on a unicorn,

337
00:18:15,696 --> 00:18:20,863
when suddenly I see
a pirate in buckskins.

338
00:18:21,946 --> 00:18:23,530
A prince in disguise.

339
00:18:24,030 --> 00:18:26,571
And that's when you pull me
off my unicorn.

340
00:18:26,655 --> 00:18:29,613
You tear away my gossamer petticoats,

341
00:18:29,696 --> 00:18:33,280
and you put your Schooner
deep inside my Rebecca.

342
00:18:36,905 --> 00:18:37,905
Now you.

343
00:18:38,488 --> 00:18:39,488
Where are you?

344
00:18:40,696 --> 00:18:41,696
I'm in hell.

345
00:18:43,738 --> 00:18:46,571
I'm sorry, Charlotte. I can't do this.

346
00:18:47,363 --> 00:18:49,946
I'm a respected surgeon.
I can't. I can't.

347
00:18:50,030 --> 00:18:51,780
Yes, you can. I know you can.

348
00:18:51,863 --> 00:18:54,030
Charlotte, we've been dealing with this
for weeks and weeks.

349
00:18:54,571 --> 00:18:57,488
Just accept the fact that
I'm not that sexual a person, all right?

350
00:18:57,988 --> 00:18:58,988
But…

351
00:18:59,988 --> 00:19:01,405
we love each other,

352
00:19:02,655 --> 00:19:04,030
and we're married now.

353
00:19:05,071 --> 00:19:09,280
Rebecca and Schooner belong together.
They need each other. Please.

354
00:19:10,071 --> 00:19:11,696
You are a fairy princess.

355
00:19:12,530 --> 00:19:14,821
I don't deserve you. I'm sorry.

356
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:17,530
I'm sorry.

357
00:19:27,613 --> 00:19:31,821
That night, Wade and I had
our very first sleepover, at my place.

358
00:19:31,905 --> 00:19:34,988
And I finally figured out
what made Power Lad so powerful.

359
00:19:35,071 --> 00:19:39,113
He had the soul of a teenage boy
in the body of a very grown-up man.

360
00:19:39,196 --> 00:19:40,946
Oh, the machine will get it.

361
00:19:41,030 --> 00:19:42,488
Hi, I'm not here but my shoes are,

362
00:19:42,571 --> 00:19:44,446
so leave them a message.

363
00:19:44,530 --> 00:19:50,113
Hi, Carrie.
This is Mrs. Adams, Wade's mother.

364
00:19:50,530 --> 00:19:51,821
How are you, dear?

365
00:19:51,905 --> 00:19:53,030
Oh, my God.

366
00:19:53,113 --> 00:19:56,988
I'm so sorry to bother you,
but we never heard from Wade tonight

367
00:19:57,071 --> 00:20:00,613
about whether or not
he fed the dog his medicine.

368
00:20:00,696 --> 00:20:04,571
And Wade's father
was just about to give it to the dog,

369
00:20:04,655 --> 00:20:08,988
but if he's already had it,
well, that would be bad.

370
00:20:09,488 --> 00:20:11,905
So, if you speak to Wade,

371
00:20:11,988 --> 00:20:15,988
please tell him
I won't go to bed until I hear from him.

372
00:20:16,905 --> 00:20:19,280
Yes, Mom, I gave the dog his medicine.

373
00:20:21,113 --> 00:20:23,030
No, Mom, I'm not mad, I just…

374
00:20:24,363 --> 00:20:25,738
I told you not to call me here.

375
00:20:27,321 --> 00:20:28,821
No, don't call me here.

376
00:20:31,238 --> 00:20:32,238
I love you, too.

377
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,863
- She wants to talk to you.
- What?

378
00:20:39,946 --> 00:20:40,946
Why…

379
00:20:47,905 --> 00:20:49,613
Hi, Mrs. Adams. How are you?

380
00:20:50,905 --> 00:20:52,571
Several blocks south,

381
00:20:52,655 --> 00:20:55,071
Charlotte's night
was interrupted as well,

382
00:20:55,155 --> 00:20:57,405
by odd noises coming from her bathroom.

383
00:21:10,030 --> 00:21:13,071
Charlotte felt terrible.
She hadn't meant to make Trey cry.

384
00:21:21,613 --> 00:21:22,613
Honey?

385
00:21:46,780 --> 00:21:50,363
- He told me he wasn't a sexual person.
- It wasn't sexual.

386
00:21:50,446 --> 00:21:52,905
It was tension release.
It helps me sleep.

387
00:21:53,238 --> 00:21:54,280
I understand.

388
00:21:55,238 --> 00:21:58,113
Now, this may be difficult, Trey,

389
00:21:58,196 --> 00:22:04,030
but I want you to tell me specifically
which magazine you were using.

390
00:22:05,613 --> 00:22:06,613
Juggs.

391
00:22:07,613 --> 00:22:12,613
All right. Now I think, we can try
and see this as a positive thing.

392
00:22:12,696 --> 00:22:15,780
How? How is this a positive thing?

393
00:22:15,863 --> 00:22:20,071
Well, Trey was masturbating to jugs.

394
00:22:21,405 --> 00:22:22,738
At least we know he isn't gay.

395
00:22:23,446 --> 00:22:26,446
Excuse me,
what exactly is the problem here?

396
00:22:26,530 --> 00:22:28,196
It was tension release with a magazine,

397
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,488
it had nothing whatsoever
to do with my wife.

398
00:22:31,196 --> 00:22:33,363
Interesting choice of words, Trey.

399
00:22:34,321 --> 00:22:35,738
Maybe that's the problem.

400
00:22:36,863 --> 00:22:40,155
We have to find a way
to integrate your wife

401
00:22:40,821 --> 00:22:42,571
into your sexual routine.

402
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:46,738
How are we supposed to do that?

403
00:22:47,780 --> 00:22:49,280
Charlotte had no idea.

404
00:22:50,030 --> 00:22:51,655
She wished they were 13 again,

405
00:22:51,738 --> 00:22:54,363
before sex had made everything
so complicated.

406
00:22:54,780 --> 00:22:56,946
When just holding hands
and a goodnight kiss

407
00:22:57,030 --> 00:22:58,696
would have been everything she needed.

408
00:23:00,238 --> 00:23:01,738
To pierce the corporate veil,

409
00:23:01,821 --> 00:23:04,113
the courts
generally look at five factors,

410
00:23:04,196 --> 00:23:06,738
whether the subsidiary
is wholly-owned or…

411
00:23:09,321 --> 00:23:12,613
The 13-year-old girl
inside Miranda wanted to disappear,

412
00:23:12,696 --> 00:23:15,488
but the 34-year-old woman
who was a partner in this law firm

413
00:23:15,571 --> 00:23:17,155
decided she wasn't going anywhere.

414
00:23:17,696 --> 00:23:19,280
You think that I'm funny, gentlemen?

415
00:23:19,821 --> 00:23:22,155
You think the fact that I have braces
is hilarious?

416
00:23:22,488 --> 00:23:25,488
Well, let's just all take a moment
and have a good laugh, shall we?

417
00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:29,113
Let's just get it out of our systems
so we can go back to work like adults.

418
00:23:30,113 --> 00:23:32,405
Hobbes, we were just laughing
at the typo on page three.

419
00:23:35,405 --> 00:23:37,446
Miranda decided that TMJ

420
00:23:37,530 --> 00:23:40,280
was a lot less painful
than a second adolescence.

421
00:23:41,071 --> 00:23:42,863
The next day, she had her braces removed

422
00:23:42,946 --> 00:23:45,905
and resumed her life
as a 34-year-old tongue-thruster.

423
00:23:46,613 --> 00:23:49,655
That night Trey resumed
his own brand of thrusting

424
00:23:49,738 --> 00:23:52,363
and discovered that tension release
could be a turn-on.

425
00:24:02,488 --> 00:24:06,613
And Charlotte discovered a way
to include herself in Trey's sex life.

426
00:24:09,821 --> 00:24:12,363
She also figured out what to do
with all those wedding proofs

427
00:24:12,446 --> 00:24:13,863
not suitable for framing.

428
00:24:16,030 --> 00:24:18,613
The following weekend,
at the Brier Bar Mitzvah party…

429
00:24:19,113 --> 00:24:20,488
I'm not sure if I have your name.

430
00:24:20,571 --> 00:24:24,071
Let's see, Goldfarb,
Goldman, Goldstein…

431
00:24:24,155 --> 00:24:25,988
I'm sorry, ladies, I just don't see it.

432
00:24:26,071 --> 00:24:27,238
I'm sure I'm on the list.

433
00:24:34,571 --> 00:24:37,571
Jenny, I loved your haftarah portion.

434
00:24:41,988 --> 00:24:44,363
I can't believe
you still have actual albums.

435
00:24:45,113 --> 00:24:50,613
Oh, my God, Styx! I love Styx!

436
00:24:50,696 --> 00:24:54,738
- I had this album.
- Yeah, I love "Renegade." Hated "Babe."

437
00:24:57,488 --> 00:24:59,613
How do you have this?

438
00:24:59,696 --> 00:25:01,571
What are you, kidding?
This is a classic.

439
00:25:01,655 --> 00:25:05,113
Oh, this song is so
me driving my parents' Oldsmobile

440
00:25:05,196 --> 00:25:06,738
without them knowing about it.

441
00:25:06,821 --> 00:25:08,113
You know what would go great
with this song?

442
00:25:08,196 --> 00:25:10,155
- Tube top and roller skates?
- No.

443
00:25:12,030 --> 00:25:13,571
Canadian super grass.

444
00:25:13,655 --> 00:25:16,821
Six times stronger than pot,
and 400 bucks an ounce.

445
00:25:16,905 --> 00:25:18,280
It suddenly became obvious

446
00:25:18,363 --> 00:25:21,113
Wade was in no hurry
to save up for his own apartment.

447
00:25:22,863 --> 00:25:26,613
- And what, pray tell, is that?
- My bong. I made it.

448
00:25:26,946 --> 00:25:30,821
- At Camp Takatoka.
- I'm sorry, Camp Takatoka?

449
00:25:34,405 --> 00:25:36,321
I hadn't smoked pot
out of a homemade bong

450
00:25:36,405 --> 00:25:39,196
since my eighth-grade boyfriend made one
out of tin foil, a BIC pen,

451
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,988
and a two-liter bottle
of his mother's lemony Pepsi Light.

452
00:25:42,071 --> 00:25:43,821
I didn't even know if I'd remember how.

453
00:25:46,321 --> 00:25:49,946
Turns out it was like riding a bike,
a ten-speed.

454
00:25:50,405 --> 00:25:51,988
Oh, wow!

455
00:25:52,071 --> 00:25:53,905
Back at the Bat Mitzvah bash,

456
00:25:53,988 --> 00:25:56,905
Samantha heard some girl-talk
not suitable for little ladies.

457
00:25:56,988 --> 00:25:59,946
I'm gonna totally fuck at least three
of those five NSYNC guys

458
00:26:00,030 --> 00:26:01,238
after the after-party.

459
00:26:01,321 --> 00:26:02,613
And I heard the other two are gay.

460
00:26:02,696 --> 00:26:06,738
So I'd fuck them,
I'd fuck them, and their gay boyfriends.

461
00:26:07,321 --> 00:26:10,321
Ladies, aren't you a little young
for that kind of talk?

462
00:26:11,738 --> 00:26:15,363
Oh, I'm serious. You have
your whole lives to talk that way.

463
00:26:15,446 --> 00:26:17,321
You should enjoy being children,

464
00:26:17,405 --> 00:26:20,821
at least until you turn 15
and start having sex.

465
00:26:20,905 --> 00:26:23,530
Please, I've been giving blow jobs
since I'm 12.

466
00:26:24,321 --> 00:26:25,265
Really?

467
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,321
It's the only way
to get guys to like you.

468
00:26:27,405 --> 00:26:28,988
Oh, honey, that isn't true.

469
00:26:29,071 --> 00:26:31,155
Uh, talk to the hand, Grandma.

470
00:26:31,655 --> 00:26:34,405
Samantha had been resenting
Jenny Brier all this time

471
00:26:34,488 --> 00:26:36,363
because of everything she had.

472
00:26:36,446 --> 00:26:37,988
But then Samantha realized,

473
00:26:38,071 --> 00:26:42,363
she'd had something that no amount
of money could buy, a childhood.

474
00:26:42,696 --> 00:26:45,863
And suddenly,
the Dairy Queen wasn't looking so bad.

475
00:26:54,196 --> 00:26:55,405
I'm thirsty.

476
00:26:56,821 --> 00:26:58,071
There's bong water.

477
00:26:58,780 --> 00:27:01,071
Bong water!

478
00:27:10,488 --> 00:27:11,488
Whoa…

479
00:27:13,113 --> 00:27:15,113
Bong water.

480
00:27:18,696 --> 00:27:19,696
Hold this.

481
00:27:27,113 --> 00:27:30,321
Hey, what are you doing? That's wet.

482
00:27:37,071 --> 00:27:40,280
Attack of the spicy chicken wings.

483
00:27:42,613 --> 00:27:43,946
Oh, shit!

484
00:27:46,780 --> 00:27:48,530
That looks like my parents' car.

485
00:27:51,363 --> 00:27:52,363
Oh, shit.

486
00:27:55,821 --> 00:27:59,030
- Shit, shit, shit, shit.
- It's okay, it's okay.

487
00:27:59,113 --> 00:28:00,321
No, it's not okay.

488
00:28:00,405 --> 00:28:02,821
My parents said that if they caught me
smoking pot in the house again,

489
00:28:02,905 --> 00:28:04,696
I'd have to sleep on a cot
in the comic book store.

490
00:28:04,780 --> 00:28:06,696
- Wait. Wade. Stop.
- What? What?

491
00:28:06,780 --> 00:28:09,071
The chicken wings.
If they see billions of chicken wings…

492
00:28:10,571 --> 00:28:12,113
They're gonna know…

493
00:28:13,946 --> 00:28:16,821
we've been smoking the pot.

494
00:28:16,905 --> 00:28:19,821
Fuck the fucking chicken wings, man.
Where'd we put the fucking pot?

495
00:28:23,446 --> 00:28:27,113
- Wade.
- You're home. Early.

496
00:28:28,196 --> 00:28:29,655
Hi.

497
00:28:30,780 --> 00:28:32,946
Is that marijuana I smell?

498
00:28:34,363 --> 00:28:36,155
- No. No, ma'am.
- No. No God, no.

499
00:28:39,155 --> 00:28:40,238
Then what is this?

500
00:28:43,738 --> 00:28:45,155
Your father and I told you

501
00:28:45,238 --> 00:28:48,238
if you ever brought marijuana
into this house again…

502
00:28:48,321 --> 00:28:49,321
Carrie brought it.

503
00:28:50,196 --> 00:28:51,780
I couldn't believe it.

504
00:28:51,863 --> 00:28:54,155
Power Lad would never
have ratted me out like that.

505
00:28:54,238 --> 00:28:55,488
Is that true, Carrie?

506
00:28:56,405 --> 00:28:58,821
Did you bring marijuana into this house?

507
00:28:58,905 --> 00:29:00,905
There comes a time
in everyone's life

508
00:29:00,988 --> 00:29:03,321
when you have to take responsibility
for yourself.

509
00:29:03,863 --> 00:29:08,446
A time when I, like Jenny Brier,
had to stand up and say to the world,

510
00:29:08,530 --> 00:29:10,530
"Today, I am a woman."

511
00:29:10,613 --> 00:29:12,030
Yes, Mrs. Adams.

512
00:29:13,196 --> 00:29:15,446
I brought the marijuana into the house.

513
00:29:17,655 --> 00:29:20,030
And I'm taking it with me when I go.

514
00:29:20,738 --> 00:29:23,113
Hot child in the city

515
00:29:24,988 --> 00:29:27,030
Hot child in the city…

516
00:29:27,113 --> 00:29:28,405
Oh, baby!

517
00:29:32,655 --> 00:29:33,640
There she is!

518
00:29:33,655 --> 00:29:38,071
In the end, I decided
I was definitely 34 going on 35,

519
00:29:38,155 --> 00:29:41,196
but in a city like New York,
with its pace and its pressures,

520
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:44,280
sometimes it's important
to have a 13-year-old moment,

521
00:29:44,363 --> 00:29:45,571
to remember a simpler time

522
00:29:45,655 --> 00:29:47,905
when the best thing in life
was just hanging out,

523
00:29:47,988 --> 00:29:49,280
listening to records,

524
00:29:49,363 --> 00:29:53,321
and having fun with your friends,
in your very own apartment.

525
00:29:53,405 --> 00:29:55,321
Hot child in the city

526
00:29:55,405 --> 00:29:57,821
Hot child in the city